Yeah for me I thought I was asexual but now I think I might be gray asexual as I remembered that one anime girl that I liked (in a sexual way). For me I am questioning whether I am gray asexual because I don't know the amount of sexual experiences an allo has to say whether the amount I experience can be considered extremely rare or not. All I can say is that it is definitely not often.
im having an opposite problem where ive always thought i was sexually attracted to people but im now thinking im asexual. ive always been interested in sex as a concept but when it comes to ME doing it i am usually repulsed.. the only person ive been comfortable having sex with is my bf of three years. but im realising all of the times ive wanted sex were just to fulfil a desire/libido, it doesnt have anything to do with looking at my bf and wanting sex... occasionally i have become turned off in the middle of having sex and then i become repulsed at what we're doing. im having a bit of a hard time understanding if at any point i wanted sex because of attraction and not just feeling horny or wanting to feel good. i think i assumed it was like that for everyone which is why it has taken me just now to realise. thank you for your videos, theyve been really useful to me
I think a lot of aces question whether or not they are ace, it's good that you are adressing it, makes me feel way better about my constant self doubt :) also even if you did feel sexual atraction once, I don't think it makes you any less of an ace if it isn't on a regular basis. Like a hetero man or woman could still find the same sex atractive once and it wouldn't make them any less hetero if it isn't consistant. Don't worry, sexuality is so complex and fluid it is often very confusing
I'm glad you made a video like this. I recently discovered that I'm asexual but I'm scared that it would change one I get into a relationship (never been in one) . It's reassuring to know that if it changes, that it's okay. Thank you, your videos helped a lot!
Nothing wrong about that, in fact we are proudly one of the most fluid subgroups in the LGBT+ community. I have questioned my aro asexual state several times too, is still actually very robust, but maybe sometime I will flow to a romantic area or even another one who knows? I'm a nuclear physicist myself colleague, have a nice week Daniel!
I think that people on the allospectrums are fluctuating too but that we're more used to question ourselves cause the environment are questioning our orientations more than others.
Is it possible that what you're feeling is sensual attraction instead of sexual? Up until very recently I thought there was only sexaul and romantic attraction, so in my brain emotional attraction and romantic attraction were the same thing, and sensual attraction and sexual attraction were the same thing. It's still something I'm trying to unlearn, what I thought was a desire for romance was actually a desire for emotional bonding.
I identified as asexual for a while, then gray-asexual, but now I'm basically back to asexual once I realized I could separate sexual attraction from sensual attraction.
As a fellow scientist, I really understand your way of thinking and reasoning. I have made those same kind of hypotheses to rule out possible outcomes to end up with the 'concluding' one. I also think it's really brave of you to share these uncertainties you have of identifying as asexual or somewhere else on the spectrum.
I can relate to this so much. At first I thought I was straight. Then I realized I was demisexual. Then I realized I was demiromantic. Then I wondered if I were either bi, bi-courious, or heteroflexible because I was confused if I were romantically attracted to a certain person, or just Sensualy. Then I thought I was asexual and and aromantic because I went though this phase where I wanted to be single for the rest of my life, and I just thought I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone ever again. But then I realized that I do have romantic feelings for that person, and I think I am now pan, demisexual, and demiromantic. I regret calling myself asexual and aromantic because I came out to someone as that during that time, but I don’t really want to tell them what I think I am now, because I don’t talk to them that much, but I think I they will realize eventually
I can only imagine how hard it would be having to make a video like this and I'm really happy to see that you were able to do it! I've actually been questioning whether I have sensual attraction recently, while I'm still very much put off sex the whole thing of touch is a mystery to me, in some aspects it sounds like it'd be nice but in others it sounds like it'd be horrible, idk if it's something else that's maybe making some ways of touch feel bad, it is all very confusing. I feel like it's very normal to still be questioning stuff though, thanks for sharing your story on it!
It took a very long time to realize I'm ace, it took even longer to realize I'm aro. It's hard to figure out if you've never really experienced something before.
I definitely know I'm on the ace spectrum, sometimes I'm unsure if I am completely ace, like I could definitely go my life without any sex and be happy, but sometimes, especially when it comes to just being more intimate with my boyfriend, I'm unsure if I'm actually feeling that sexual attraction. As of right now, I consider myself hetero-demisexual, however, I may be more grey ace when I think about it (I'm also bi questioning right now so that's a different thing in itself). It is something I want to try and figure out about myself and so watching videos like this helps me figure it out more.
Hello everyone, I've recently discovered that i identify as heteroromantic asexual, or straight ace. This is all very new to me, but also very liberating. I'm proud to be among you. Hopefully i can make some new friends.
All power to you my guy! It's pretty brave to address the complications of your identity like this, and especially to let it be a learning resource for your fanbase! No matter where you fall on the spectrum, you're completely valid
Thank you for sharing this with us. I also want to add to your thoughts about how the representativity of your channel might change a little but not much: Sharing your uncertainty itself is I think very representative of the Ace Community. From what I gathered in being part of Ace Forums what is or isn't sexual attraction, how it even would feel to you etc. is one of the Core connundrums for Ace and figuring-out-if-they'd-consider-themselves-ace persons. Also love your scientific approach, that's also how I approach lots of stuff in life and figuring myself out. Best of luck on your further journey! And I hope you don't let the uncertainty weigh you down or push you into any direction. Remember: Accounting for uncertainty is one of the most difficult things in life as in science, but your life as your science will be much richer if you can do it.
Aww Daniel, we’ll always support you and YOU ARE VALID! Looking forward to hearing updates on this. I could tell something was different about you... and then it hit me- you got your hair cut finally! 😂 Also I love the low key pride shirt. 😜 I also just wanted to comment that I broke up with my first bf when I realized I was ace, but then we kept living together for 6 months afterward and well... sexy times were had. Moreso than the previous weeks/months when we were together. And also to my surprise I was actually really into some of the stuff we were doing. This really confused me for several years afterward, and while I have still not definitively concluded this... I believe I had (have?) some sexual kinks. And so I was very interested in specific sexual situations, but it was not the person involved that I felt any sort of sexual desire or feelings towards, it was the act or situation itself that I found enticing. Not that I would be sexually intimate with just anybody, but to further explain my point- the person who I was engaging with didn’t matter so much as what we were doing and the specific ways in which those situations unfolded. Not to get into the details, but I think it has something to do with domination/submission. I say all this because maybe it was something about that particular sexual experience that you really liked and maybe you have some sort of sexual kink? At least something to think about.
That's what came to my mind as well. I recently had a lenghty discussion with allosexual people about allo-ace relationships and what asexuality does (and does not) mean in the terms of relationship. Obviously it's all very individual. Anyhow, it seemed that for a lot of people it's really difficult to separate the desire to do sexual acts from the desire to have sex with someone (with a certain person especially). For majority of people the two go 100% hand in hand. Which leads people to conclude that without one a person can't desire the another. Not just allo people, but also a lot of ace people might lead this false conclusion. Anyhow, it's obvious that sexual attraction plays a huge role in relationship for allo people - so I think it would only hurt both the ace and allo people if we claimed someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards any person was not ace simply because of they are capable of enjoying sexual activity. Acts don't define any sexual orientation - and that applies also to asexuality. This all said, only time and introspection can tell whether you are ace, demi/gray or allo :)
@@Kotifilosofi Thanks, that was very informational! I am quite confused about myself, because I do have some sexual drive (often influenced by hormone levels), I enjoy sex, but I never felt like "Wow, this person is so sexy, I want to bang them!" And I still don't fully understand the difference between "wanting to have sex" and "wanting to have sex with Greg".
@@Lumors No problem! Sex drive is yet another thing and a thing separate from sexual orientation (asexual) 😆 Sex drive= libido Sexual orientation = towards whom the sex drive is aimed at (towards no-one, in the case of asexuality). There was a good analogy: sex drive is hunger, and sexual attraction is what you want to eat. You can be hungry but not really have anything special you want to eat. Correspondingly, low libido would be you're never hungry. Ace can have high or low sex drive, and thus they can want to have (partnered) sex. But it's not because you desired someone and that especially made you to want partnered sex.
Honestly, I'm confused most part of the time. It's undeniable I don't feel sexual attraction like alo people but I genuinely don't know if what I feel towards people is sensual or sexual attraction. What I know is that sex makes me extremely uncomfortable but I love kissing. I think questioning ourselfs is the best thing because it means we are aware of the mutable nature of humans.
This channel always makes me feel better about, well, everything. As someone who has never been in a relationship, I find myself questioning if I should differ judgment on my sexuality until I have at least given it a try but I honestly there are so many other things I would rather do than find a partner.
Good to hear that you are okay with every possible outcome in your journey in finding your label. It makes, in my opinion, the journey a bit easier because the finish line isn't scary. I questioned my label a lot. I didn't knew that there was such a thing as aseksuality. And when I found out what it meant I didn't fit the label of full Ace ( I learnt it was no sexdrive at all) Now I'm still questioning my label. I think I'm floating between Lith and Akoi seksual. I'm okay with my orientation now and I like the journey in learning about this important part of me!
Been subscribed for some time; love and appreciate your openness and channel. I totally relate in many ways. I'm 36 and I believe I've pretty much narrowed down my specifics🤔. It was quite tricky especially being in the gay community, just because of feeling who I am (DEMI-ACE) is opposite of gen. gay pop and also insecurity of being open with it while still not feeling sure myself. I too am comfortable with who I am, finding a mate can be a headache; so its encouraging that channels like yours allows one to voice and be open🤗
Thank you so much for making this, Daniel. I recently had something that made me question my aromanticism (as of right now I'm still saying I'm aromantic) so hearing that you're going through the same thing is really helpful. It's definitely challenging to encounter something that makes you question yourself when you've been so certain for so many years, and I think you put that feeling into words really well :)
A wonderful unpacking and unraveling exploration of the quandary. Nothing is set in stone as you point out and yet, I know how staunchly I’ve clung to, I’m this or that, so I do think the open minded approach you are taking, as perplexing as it all is, has to be the right one. We live in perpetual change and fluidity it’s the nature of things, I wonder what it is about definitive labels that is so comforting, a relief in some ways then, as you are sharing confusion in others. Ive missed your seeking and enquiring chats.
Can you make a vid about how ppl think grey ( n or demi ) aces like me are often seen as normal to most ppl n that we just want to be special n are seen as fake n just sexual ppl that lie to look innocent n stuff? When I came out at school n online I got a bunch of ppl attacking me more thinking grey n demi aces are just faking it or snowflakes n aren't actually ace n they can't comprehend how you can not feel sexual attraction but sort of feel it at the same time. *Idk how to explain in a less complicated way*
I've actually spoken about this a couple of times already in other videos: ruclips.net/video/S81epD6xbes/видео.html ruclips.net/video/As-UluvH9O8/видео.html But I'm happy to go into in more depth in the future 😊
Oh wow I can relate to this so much. When I was in a long-distance relationship, I still felt very ace, but early on during the pandemic I moved in with my at the time boyfriend, and after living with him for a while began to question if I might be demisexual or grey ace too. We were quite physically intimate minus sex, and I really enjoyed that. I think what I figured out after having months to process it is that any desire to try sexual things with him was about wanting to please him, or wanting to get to that “next level” of intimacy even though it wasn’t something I innately desired, because I knew that for him that was the pinnacle of intimacy. Alas, we never got that far so I still don’t even know if sexual intimacy is something I’m able to enjoy, but since it’s not something I innately desire I’m pretty fine with that. I still identify as ace, though this did cause me to question it quite a bit. I’ve toyed with the demisexual label but to keep things simple I still identify as ace or “ace-spectrum”, saving the more detailed explanation for guys I date.
It’s totally fine to question aspects of your sexuality. Questioning my sexuality is almost my part time job tbh. I identify as bisexual but in the past I have identified as different but similar labels such as pansexual or abrosexual. I question whether or not those labels fit me better than bisexual all the time. Labels are hard. Just keep in mind that regardless of what label you think fits your orientation the best, you are valid.
I'm a guy and have identified as heteroromantic asexual ever since I discovered the term, but recently I've been seriously questioning. I have always found my fellow men attractive, I can appreciate their looks... but I can't tell if it's just simple appreciation or if I'm experiencing sensual attraction. Whenever I think of celebrities I find attractive, way more male celebs come to mind than female celebs, and I don't know if that says anything about me. Maybe I find masculinity more appealing to look at? Or maybe it's just easier for me to point out attractive men because I can relate to them more? I'm really not sure, especially because I don't have much experience with dating.
Well you could be just aesthetically attracted to guys without the romantic attraction? Or if you do feel romantic attraction to men as well, it doesn't have to be in the same way or to the same level as your attraction to women. All the bi folk I've known have had "unbalanced" attraction to men and women
I love your videos and it makes so much sense to me. Thanks and please keep making those. I feel like I belong to ACE. Is there any dating app particularly for Ace? It's so hard to find someone similar.
As someone who’s Homoromantic/Demisexual, I definitely still feel the uncertainty sometimes. The spectrum can feel stressful sometimes. I know I like men but when it comes to sex I feels very different from most. Sex isn’t a huge deal for me. I love the idea of it and at times think about it but I don’t have to have it and I only have that attraction for one person. I find myself aesthetically attracted to most people but that’s about it. Best of luck and take your time. I hope you find your answer.
Hi 😁 Yes we can have some sparkles of sexual attraction. This one was virtual though as your boyfriend's not there. It happens to me virtually too then in real life my lack of sexual attraction is back so like you said, you need to see if it's there in real life.
I can't offer any better advice than has already been said. As an allo person, everything you've said and posted so far here and elsewhere sounds so ace that its a shame you have to question yourself so much. I can understand wanting to find the right label, but I hope you don't hold asexuality as a monolithic thing only valid so specifically when we all experience our sexuality so differently.
I was in 3 relationships so I no longer have any doubt, I'm demi-romantic and demi-sexual, 100% Since I'm like what bi is for stright and gay people (cuse demi-sex feel both being allosexual to one/two/tree person that we know well and complete aces to the general popilation) and I can confirm I grow up being completly ace and I have never in my life felt s*xual attration (or even drive lol) to anyone and even when I had my first boyfrend I got into a huge identety crisis thinking I'm compltly aromantic ace, but... I think one year into the realationship I started feeling attraction for the first time in my life (lol I thought it was pain or drags), after expirincing it for 3 times, I think I finally understand where I am. It's important to try to undertand youself and where you stand also, I had another boyfriend that I know for... 4 years now? and just recently I started feeling attracted to, so it's fine to be suprised by becoming demi, but at least I can tell for certian that the more time would pass the more you would know you are demisexual since it seems vary clear once you try to think abou simply hot celeb guys and than think about you're best freind, and you find out you only feel "hot" when it's the best friend even if he isn't hotter by sociaty standerts and even if there isn't any romantic thing between you two. I don't know if it's just me, but I find myself doing that to my friend in a platonic reltionship as well, like thinking they are prettier than more "sociaty convantoaly good looking people" so I don't have a problem to be frineds with people with ugly scars or any strange "non normal" thing. my friends are mosly the "outcast" which is weird 😂 but.. they make the best friends, right?
I know I've never felt sexual attraction, but I definitely feel arousal and desire. I desire sex with my partner but it isn't a feeling. The best I can describe it is wanting something logically but not driven by a sexual emotion. I don't know what you felt, but I'm happy you felt it, and you shouldn't let it trip you up.
thank u so much because you are laterally describing! i'm confused about myself bc i want to have sex but i don't care who is the person that i'm going to have it with i don't feel sexual attracted to anyone and sometime i feel disgusted by the idea of sex and in other times i want to have sex so do i count as asexual?
Analyzing that you cannot say it with the certainty of a scientific argument because there are many variables... I personally feel a certain ace vibe in this. 😉👍🏻 And by ace I mean ace spectrum_s, including demisexual and gray-ace and non-demi-non-gray-ace - and much more. I personally think of me as aromantic, even though I’ve had some crush-like-experiences. So, grayromantic, quoiromantic, maybe also demiromantic could be also, „technically“ even more „correct“. But I think all descriptions are fine for people who feel like me and like you (accordingly with ace instead of aro/demi- or grayromantic). Anyway, thanks for the video and all the best for you and your boyfriend.
I find your talks really interesting but have a problem focussing because of the background music (I have ADHD & Asperger syndrome). Would it be possible to not have background music for people like me. Incidentally hearing aids amplify background music.
The music in this video is a bit louder than usual, sorry. I don't want to get rid of it completely because it does help mask some of the noise I'm not able to get rid of (which to me at least would be more distracting), and sets a calmer tone than if it were just me talking, which I think might seem a bit serious. I know I don't manage to get subtitles going in all of my videos, but would it be helpful to follow along with those if they are there?
It's a bit of a cruel joke that the ace/aro community is one of the most susceptible to having our orientations shift, and we're also probably the group that gets the most dismissive reactions, with people saying that we'll grow out of it or meet the right person one day. It makes it seem like questioning our orientations proves those dismissive people right. Fortunately I haven't had to question my aro ace identity at all so far, but there's nothing wrong with having minor or even major label changes if things do change. It doesn't invalidate your past experiences
Let it be...there will be an answer -let it be. Paul McCartney. The happiest among us (humans) are those who are in the business of giving to the poor, hungry, uneducated etc. The more we give the more we get. I am a mom and I love you.
I consider myself gray/demisexual. Basically because while I am fine with it not happening, I'm not ready to rule out the thought of it never happening ever in my life.
I used to think of myself as greysexual but now I prefer “asexual who is also a heterosexual who doesn’t experience sexual attraction.” Though it’s very long and might seem illogical or redundant to some.
From your outro... Hey, you have a NICE singing voice! Get your BF to take you out karaokeing so you can sing more! So, thanks for your response and advice earlier on a prior video. If sexuality, including Ace, is on a spectrum, why can't' people evolve in time on that spectrum to embrace a change in how they self-identify? I have for example been gay for most of my life. I still am. But I am not driven to sexual insanity like a lot of people are. I can take it or leave it, just looking for one special person. I like to cuddle with whomever I meet. Doesn't mean I will go all the way. Am I a demi? Who knows? Who cares? Same for you. As long as you are comfortable with your BF and the people around you, that should be ok. Thanks again, you rock. Good luck on the journey with your BF!
“I’m very gay... men are very hot, and that’s not gonna change any time soon” My new moto ❤️ I’m demi-gay btw. I think that depends on what you consider “sex” is. For me, I consider sex to be any action related to the genitals.
Honestly, I think most people in the Ace/Aro community are going to question themselves a lot, lol
"To be ace or aro is to be in a constant state of questioning" - Me, sometime in the past 😅
**thinks about penis ONCE (1) because i was curious about a character's body type**
am i a sexual???? do i want to bing bong???? am i A FRAUD??????
@Lord Targaryen I feel so similar, especially with the fact I didn't identify as ace to others but still try to find it out myself.
Yeah for me I thought I was asexual but now I think I might be gray asexual as I remembered that one anime girl that I liked (in a sexual way).
For me I am questioning whether I am gray asexual because I don't know the amount of sexual experiences an allo has to say whether the amount I experience can be considered extremely rare or not. All I can say is that it is definitely not often.
I just think that we have to keep an open mind that we can be fluid or not and not stress too much about it.
im having an opposite problem where ive always thought i was sexually attracted to people but im now thinking im asexual. ive always been interested in sex as a concept but when it comes to ME doing it i am usually repulsed.. the only person ive been comfortable having sex with is my bf of three years. but im realising all of the times ive wanted sex were just to fulfil a desire/libido, it doesnt have anything to do with looking at my bf and wanting sex... occasionally i have become turned off in the middle of having sex and then i become repulsed at what we're doing. im having a bit of a hard time understanding if at any point i wanted sex because of attraction and not just feeling horny or wanting to feel good. i think i assumed it was like that for everyone which is why it has taken me just now to realise. thank you for your videos, theyve been really useful to me
This is literally my experience to a T!!!!
This is me except I've never been in a relationship where I can test what feels comfortable, so I really don't know where I lie as an ace😂
Aegosexual is something that might describe ur situation
Talking about this fluidity and questioning your orientation publicly is really helpful and meaningful. Thank you!
I think a lot of aces question whether or not they are ace, it's good that you are adressing it, makes me feel way better about my constant self doubt :)
also even if you did feel sexual atraction once, I don't think it makes you any less of an ace if it isn't on a regular basis. Like a hetero man or woman could still find the same sex atractive once and it wouldn't make them any less hetero if it isn't consistant. Don't worry, sexuality is so complex and fluid it is often very confusing
This channel has been so helpful while I figure out my complicated graysexuality. This video just reassured me that it's ok to not be sure :)
I swear this describes my wrestling with aceness to a friGHTENING DEGREE
I'm glad you made a video like this. I recently discovered that I'm asexual but I'm scared that it would change one I get into a relationship (never been in one) . It's reassuring to know that if it changes, that it's okay. Thank you, your videos helped a lot!
No matter what sexuality you are weather it's on the ace spectrum or not your always valid as a person.
Nothing wrong about that, in fact we are proudly one of the most fluid subgroups in the LGBT+ community. I have questioned my aro asexual state several times too, is still actually very robust, but maybe sometime I will flow to a romantic area or even another one who knows? I'm a nuclear physicist myself colleague, have a nice week Daniel!
Oooh, nuclear physics is cooool 😁 I mostly work with lasers nowadays so I'm foremost an optics guy myself
I think that people on the allospectrums are fluctuating too but that we're more used to question ourselves cause the environment are questioning our orientations more than others.
@@niinapalm4503 interesting!
Is it possible that what you're feeling is sensual attraction instead of sexual? Up until very recently I thought there was only sexaul and romantic attraction, so in my brain emotional attraction and romantic attraction were the same thing, and sensual attraction and sexual attraction were the same thing. It's still something I'm trying to unlearn, what I thought was a desire for romance was actually a desire for emotional bonding.
True
Same
It is very possible, yeah. I get reeeaaally strong sensual attraction sometimes, like a koala bear 😅 Just grab onto my boyfriend and don't let go 🤣
I identified as asexual for a while, then gray-asexual, but now I'm basically back to asexual once I realized I could separate sexual attraction from sensual attraction.
Sorry, RUclips marked your comment as spam because it was long and you'd commented a lot in a short period. It should all be good now 😊
As a fellow scientist, I really understand your way of thinking and reasoning. I have made those same kind of hypotheses to rule out possible outcomes to end up with the 'concluding' one. I also think it's really brave of you to share these uncertainties you have of identifying as asexual or somewhere else on the spectrum.
me too
I can relate to this so much. At first I thought I was straight. Then I realized I was demisexual. Then I realized I was demiromantic. Then I wondered if I were either bi, bi-courious, or heteroflexible because I was confused if I were romantically attracted to a certain person, or just Sensualy. Then I thought I was asexual and and aromantic because I went though this phase where I wanted to be single for the rest of my life, and I just thought I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone ever again. But then I realized that I do have romantic feelings for that person, and I think I am now pan, demisexual, and demiromantic. I regret calling myself asexual and aromantic because I came out to someone as that during that time, but I don’t really want to tell them what I think I am now, because I don’t talk to them that much, but I think I they will realize eventually
I've been going through and still am going through something very similar. Thanks for sharing
I can only imagine how hard it would be having to make a video like this and I'm really happy to see that you were able to do it! I've actually been questioning whether I have sensual attraction recently, while I'm still very much put off sex the whole thing of touch is a mystery to me, in some aspects it sounds like it'd be nice but in others it sounds like it'd be horrible, idk if it's something else that's maybe making some ways of touch feel bad, it is all very confusing. I feel like it's very normal to still be questioning stuff though, thanks for sharing your story on it!
Thanks, Ameer! It's difficult to test sensual attraction too because so many people will mistake it for romantic or sexual intent 😅
It took a very long time to realize I'm ace, it took even longer to realize I'm aro. It's hard to figure out if you've never really experienced something before.
Can't argue with you there 😂
I definitely know I'm on the ace spectrum, sometimes I'm unsure if I am completely ace, like I could definitely go my life without any sex and be happy, but sometimes, especially when it comes to just being more intimate with my boyfriend, I'm unsure if I'm actually feeling that sexual attraction. As of right now, I consider myself hetero-demisexual, however, I may be more grey ace when I think about it (I'm also bi questioning right now so that's a different thing in itself). It is something I want to try and figure out about myself and so watching videos like this helps me figure it out more.
Hello everyone, I've recently discovered that i identify as heteroromantic asexual, or straight ace. This is all very new to me, but also very liberating. I'm proud to be among you. Hopefully i can make some new friends.
Welcome!!! 😁
All power to you my guy! It's pretty brave to address the complications of your identity like this, and especially to let it be a learning resource for your fanbase!
No matter where you fall on the spectrum, you're completely valid
Thank you for sharing this with us. I also want to add to your thoughts about how the representativity of your channel might change a little but not much: Sharing your uncertainty itself is I think very representative of the Ace Community. From what I gathered in being part of Ace Forums what is or isn't sexual attraction, how it even would feel to you etc. is one of the Core connundrums for Ace and figuring-out-if-they'd-consider-themselves-ace persons. Also love your scientific approach, that's also how I approach lots of stuff in life and figuring myself out. Best of luck on your further journey! And I hope you don't let the uncertainty weigh you down or push you into any direction. Remember: Accounting for uncertainty is one of the most difficult things in life as in science, but your life as your science will be much richer if you can do it.
Aww Daniel, we’ll always support you and YOU ARE VALID! Looking forward to hearing updates on this.
I could tell something was different about you... and then it hit me- you got your hair cut finally! 😂 Also I love the low key pride shirt. 😜
I also just wanted to comment that I broke up with my first bf when I realized I was ace, but then we kept living together for 6 months afterward and well... sexy times were had. Moreso than the previous weeks/months when we were together. And also to my surprise I was actually really into some of the stuff we were doing. This really confused me for several years afterward, and while I have still not definitively concluded this... I believe I had (have?) some sexual kinks. And so I was very interested in specific sexual situations, but it was not the person involved that I felt any sort of sexual desire or feelings towards, it was the act or situation itself that I found enticing. Not that I would be sexually intimate with just anybody, but to further explain my point- the person who I was engaging with didn’t matter so much as what we were doing and the specific ways in which those situations unfolded. Not to get into the details, but I think it has something to do with domination/submission. I say all this because maybe it was something about that particular sexual experience that you really liked and maybe you have some sort of sexual kink? At least something to think about.
Hahaha, I definitely have a thing... that's all I'm EVER going to say about that on the internet 🤣
That's what came to my mind as well. I recently had a lenghty discussion with allosexual people about allo-ace relationships and what asexuality does (and does not) mean in the terms of relationship. Obviously it's all very individual. Anyhow, it seemed that for a lot of people it's really difficult to separate the desire to do sexual acts from the desire to have sex with someone (with a certain person especially). For majority of people the two go 100% hand in hand. Which leads people to conclude that without one a person can't desire the another. Not just allo people, but also a lot of ace people might lead this false conclusion. Anyhow, it's obvious that sexual attraction plays a huge role in relationship for allo people - so I think it would only hurt both the ace and allo people if we claimed someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards any person was not ace simply because of they are capable of enjoying sexual activity. Acts don't define any sexual orientation - and that applies also to asexuality.
This all said, only time and introspection can tell whether you are ace, demi/gray or allo :)
@@Kotifilosofi Thanks, that was very informational! I am quite confused about myself, because I do have some sexual drive (often influenced by hormone levels), I enjoy sex, but I never felt like "Wow, this person is so sexy, I want to bang them!" And I still don't fully understand the difference between "wanting to have sex" and "wanting to have sex with Greg".
@@Lumors No problem! Sex drive is yet another thing and a thing separate from sexual orientation (asexual) 😆
Sex drive= libido
Sexual orientation = towards whom the sex drive is aimed at (towards no-one, in the case of asexuality).
There was a good analogy: sex drive is hunger, and sexual attraction is what you want to eat. You can be hungry but not really have anything special you want to eat. Correspondingly, low libido would be you're never hungry.
Ace can have high or low sex drive, and thus they can want to have (partnered) sex. But it's not because you desired someone and that especially made you to want partnered sex.
@@Kotifilosofi wow, thank you! That clears up so much!
Honestly, I'm confused most part of the time. It's undeniable I don't feel sexual attraction like alo people but I genuinely don't know if what I feel towards people is sensual or sexual attraction. What I know is that sex makes me extremely uncomfortable but I love kissing. I think questioning ourselfs is the best thing because it means we are aware of the mutable nature of humans.
This channel always makes me feel better about, well, everything. As someone who has never been in a relationship, I find myself questioning if I should differ judgment on my sexuality until I have at least given it a try but I honestly there are so many other things I would rather do than find a partner.
Aww, thanks 😊 Just do things at your own pace, and no pressure to decide upon an orientation
Questioning and changing your identification is valid. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Good to hear that you are okay with every possible outcome in your journey in finding your label. It makes, in my opinion, the journey a bit easier because the finish line isn't scary. I questioned my label a lot. I didn't knew that there was such a thing as aseksuality. And when I found out what it meant I didn't fit the label of full Ace ( I learnt it was no sexdrive at all) Now I'm still questioning my label. I think I'm floating between Lith and Akoi seksual. I'm okay with my orientation now and I like the journey in learning about this important part of me!
Been subscribed for some time; love and appreciate your openness and channel. I totally relate in many ways. I'm 36 and I believe I've pretty much narrowed down my specifics🤔. It was quite tricky especially being in the gay community, just because of feeling who I am (DEMI-ACE) is opposite of gen. gay pop and also insecurity of being open with it while still not feeling sure myself. I too am comfortable with who I am, finding a mate can be a headache; so its encouraging that channels like yours allows one to voice and be open🤗
I'm so glad it isn't just me, but also I feel your pain and confusion 😅🖤
We can be pain-and-confusion buddies 😅🤣
@@SliceOfAce HA love it 😂👌🏻
The a okay podcast is really great! Thank you for sharing this in the last videos :D
Yeah, I agree! I'm glad you enjoy it! 😊
Thank you so much for making this, Daniel. I recently had something that made me question my aromanticism (as of right now I'm still saying I'm aromantic) so hearing that you're going through the same thing is really helpful. It's definitely challenging to encounter something that makes you question yourself when you've been so certain for so many years, and I think you put that feeling into words really well :)
You have my support no matter where you fall on the ace spectrum. These things can be tough to figure out. Best of luck to you. Nice shirt btw.
Thanks! I like subtle pride stuff so I had to get that when I saw it 😁🌈
PS: Thanks for responding to that one annoyed commenter 😊
I'm not on social media, so I'm not aware of drama when it happens, but hearing about it always makes me sad.
Ur wierd
A wonderful unpacking and unraveling exploration of the quandary. Nothing is set in stone as you point out and yet, I know how staunchly I’ve clung to, I’m this or that, so I do think the open minded approach you are taking, as perplexing as it all is, has to be the right one. We live in perpetual change and fluidity it’s the nature of things, I wonder what it is about definitive labels that is so comforting, a relief in some ways then, as you are sharing confusion in others. Ive missed your seeking and enquiring chats.
Can you make a vid about how ppl think grey ( n or demi ) aces like me are often seen as normal to most ppl n that we just want to be special n are seen as fake n just sexual ppl that lie to look innocent n stuff? When I came out at school n online I got a bunch of ppl attacking me more thinking grey n demi aces are just faking it or snowflakes n aren't actually ace n they can't comprehend how you can not feel sexual attraction but sort of feel it at the same time. *Idk how to explain in a less complicated way*
I've actually spoken about this a couple of times already in other videos:
ruclips.net/video/S81epD6xbes/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/As-UluvH9O8/видео.html
But I'm happy to go into in more depth in the future 😊
Listening to your experiences is such a relief... thank you for making these videos..
You're welcome! 😊
Oh wow I can relate to this so much. When I was in a long-distance relationship, I still felt very ace, but early on during the pandemic I moved in with my at the time boyfriend, and after living with him for a while began to question if I might be demisexual or grey ace too. We were quite physically intimate minus sex, and I really enjoyed that. I think what I figured out after having months to process it is that any desire to try sexual things with him was about wanting to please him, or wanting to get to that “next level” of intimacy even though it wasn’t something I innately desired, because I knew that for him that was the pinnacle of intimacy.
Alas, we never got that far so I still don’t even know if sexual intimacy is something I’m able to enjoy, but since it’s not something I innately desire I’m pretty fine with that. I still identify as ace, though this did cause me to question it quite a bit. I’ve toyed with the demisexual label but to keep things simple I still identify as ace or “ace-spectrum”, saving the more detailed explanation for guys I date.
It’s totally fine to question aspects of your sexuality. Questioning my sexuality is almost my part time job tbh. I identify as bisexual but in the past I have identified as different but similar labels such as pansexual or abrosexual. I question whether or not those labels fit me better than bisexual all the time. Labels are hard. Just keep in mind that regardless of what label you think fits your orientation the best, you are valid.
I'm a guy and have identified as heteroromantic asexual ever since I discovered the term, but recently I've been seriously questioning. I have always found my fellow men attractive, I can appreciate their looks... but I can't tell if it's just simple appreciation or if I'm experiencing sensual attraction. Whenever I think of celebrities I find attractive, way more male celebs come to mind than female celebs, and I don't know if that says anything about me. Maybe I find masculinity more appealing to look at? Or maybe it's just easier for me to point out attractive men because I can relate to them more? I'm really not sure, especially because I don't have much experience with dating.
Well you could be just aesthetically attracted to guys without the romantic attraction? Or if you do feel romantic attraction to men as well, it doesn't have to be in the same way or to the same level as your attraction to women. All the bi folk I've known have had "unbalanced" attraction to men and women
Being demi myself, I'll say that if you'd felt sexual attraction, you'd know!
I love your videos and it makes so much sense to me. Thanks and please keep making those.
I feel like I belong to ACE. Is there any dating app particularly for Ace? It's so hard to find someone similar.
Asexuals.net is an aspec dating site! 😊
As someone who’s Homoromantic/Demisexual, I definitely still feel the uncertainty sometimes. The spectrum can feel stressful sometimes. I know I like men but when it comes to sex I feels very different from most. Sex isn’t a huge deal for me. I love the idea of it and at times think about it but I don’t have to have it and I only have that attraction for one person. I find myself aesthetically attracted to most people but that’s about it. Best of luck and take your time. I hope you find your answer.
Hi 😁 Yes we can have some sparkles of sexual attraction. This one was virtual though as your boyfriend's not there. It happens to me virtually too then in real life my lack of sexual attraction is back so like you said, you need to see if it's there in real life.
I can't offer any better advice than has already been said. As an allo person, everything you've said and posted so far here and elsewhere sounds so ace that its a shame you have to question yourself so much. I can understand wanting to find the right label, but I hope you don't hold asexuality as a monolithic thing only valid so specifically when we all experience our sexuality so differently.
I'm glad you got the chance to talk about yourself, and now I know you better. I didn't know you had an American boyfriend or you were a physicist!
Okay , I daily Google these kinda questions everyday. It's so messy...
I really like your video!!! you’re kinda cute
I am in the same spectrum asking myself these questions
I was in 3 relationships so I no longer have any doubt, I'm demi-romantic and demi-sexual, 100%
Since I'm like what bi is for stright and gay people (cuse demi-sex feel both being allosexual to one/two/tree person that we know well and complete aces to the general popilation) and I can confirm I grow up being completly ace and I have never in my life felt s*xual attration (or even drive lol) to anyone and even when I had my first boyfrend I got into a huge identety crisis thinking I'm compltly aromantic ace, but... I think one year into the realationship I started feeling attraction for the first time in my life (lol I thought it was pain or drags), after expirincing it for 3 times, I think I finally understand where I am. It's important to try to undertand youself and where you stand also, I had another boyfriend that I know for... 4 years now? and just recently I started feeling attracted to, so it's fine to be suprised by becoming demi, but at least I can tell for certian that the more time would pass the more you would know you are demisexual since it seems vary clear once you try to think abou simply hot celeb guys and than think about you're best freind, and you find out you only feel "hot" when it's the best friend even if he isn't hotter by sociaty standerts and even if there isn't any romantic thing between you two.
I don't know if it's just me, but I find myself doing that to my friend in a platonic reltionship as well, like thinking they are prettier than more "sociaty convantoaly good looking people" so I don't have a problem to be frineds with people with ugly scars or any strange "non normal" thing. my friends are mosly the "outcast" which is weird 😂 but.. they make the best friends, right?
Thank you...for the demi part
I know I've never felt sexual attraction, but I definitely feel arousal and desire. I desire sex with my partner but it isn't a feeling. The best I can describe it is wanting something logically but not driven by a sexual emotion. I don't know what you felt, but I'm happy you felt it, and you shouldn't let it trip you up.
thank u so much because you are laterally describing!
i'm confused about myself
bc i want to have sex but i don't care who is the person that i'm going to have it with
i don't feel sexual attracted to anyone and sometime i feel disgusted by the idea of sex
and in other times i want to have sex
so do i count as asexual?
Sexual orientation can be fluid too just like gender. I found ou there is abrosexuality, were sexuality is fluid for people.
Thanks! You really helped me!
You're welcome! I'm happy to hear that 😊
All the cake!!
EVEN THE CHEESECAKE!
Aww man, I would so much like to get in contact with you and have a proper conversation! You are helping me so much!
Analyzing that you cannot say it with the certainty of a scientific argument because there are many variables... I personally feel a certain ace vibe in this. 😉👍🏻
And by ace I mean ace spectrum_s, including demisexual and gray-ace and non-demi-non-gray-ace - and much more.
I personally think of me as aromantic, even though I’ve had some crush-like-experiences. So, grayromantic, quoiromantic, maybe also demiromantic could be also, „technically“ even more „correct“. But I think all descriptions are fine for people who feel like me and like you (accordingly with ace instead of aro/demi- or grayromantic).
Anyway, thanks for the video and all the best for you and your boyfriend.
I find your talks really interesting but have a problem focussing because of the background music (I have ADHD & Asperger syndrome). Would it be possible to not have background music for people like me. Incidentally hearing aids amplify background music.
The music in this video is a bit louder than usual, sorry. I don't want to get rid of it completely because it does help mask some of the noise I'm not able to get rid of (which to me at least would be more distracting), and sets a calmer tone than if it were just me talking, which I think might seem a bit serious. I know I don't manage to get subtitles going in all of my videos, but would it be helpful to follow along with those if they are there?
Also I'm mad that your 'I'm confused' video is so much better than mine 😂
If it is, it's only because I took notes from yours 😅
❤️
It's a bit of a cruel joke that the ace/aro community is one of the most susceptible to having our orientations shift, and we're also probably the group that gets the most dismissive reactions, with people saying that we'll grow out of it or meet the right person one day. It makes it seem like questioning our orientations proves those dismissive people right. Fortunately I haven't had to question my aro ace identity at all so far, but there's nothing wrong with having minor or even major label changes if things do change. It doesn't invalidate your past experiences
You's in love. I love it!
Let it be...there will be an answer -let it be. Paul McCartney. The happiest among us (humans) are those who are in the business of giving to the poor, hungry, uneducated etc. The more we give the more we get. I am a mom and I love you.
I consider myself gray/demisexual. Basically because while I am fine with it not happening, I'm not ready to rule out the thought of it never happening ever in my life.
For demi aces: if you're in a relationship, is there pressure to feel sexual attraction ("do you feel sexual attraction yet because we've bonded")
I used to think of myself as greysexual but now I prefer “asexual who is also a heterosexual who doesn’t experience sexual attraction.” Though it’s very long and might seem illogical or redundant to some.
That was cute.
From your outro... Hey, you have a NICE singing voice! Get your BF to take you out karaokeing so you can sing more! So, thanks for your response and advice earlier on a prior video. If sexuality, including Ace, is on a spectrum, why can't' people evolve in time on that spectrum to embrace a change in how they self-identify? I have for example been gay for most of my life. I still am. But I am not driven to sexual insanity like a lot of people are. I can take it or leave it, just looking for one special person. I like to cuddle with whomever I meet. Doesn't mean I will go all the way. Am I a demi? Who knows? Who cares? Same for you. As long as you are comfortable with your BF and the people around you, that should be ok. Thanks again, you rock. Good luck on the journey with your BF!
Aww, thanks. I sing pretty much every day but I loathe to in front of anyone 😳 I have to cut a song or two out of the footage most weeks 😅
All I know is what I like and/or don't like. Whatever that makes me is fine lol
“I’m very gay... men are very hot, and that’s not gonna change any time soon”
My new moto ❤️ I’m demi-gay btw.
I think that depends on what you consider “sex” is. For me, I consider sex to be any action related to the genitals.
Ace brits unite!