"This will not make you who you are. You already are who you are." Wise words for all of us, trans or not. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Thank you.
I think the illusion that is sold to some people in the concept of transitioning is the belief that cisgender people are vastly more happy and self-confident simply because they don't have that additional "noise" in their life, but you can find miserable cisgender people struggling to find their identity everywhere. Successfully passing from one gender to another means having to come to terms with the new insecurities that your gender commonly faces everyday, it doesn't mean an end to insecurity.
I understand your point but hey for me is kinda the opposite. When I look in the mirror I don't recognise who I see (before Transition). Inside I am male and on the days I look more masculine I start to recognise my self. As a physical representation of my inner self.
I'm no youngster... I'm probably old enough to be your parental unit! But this video really touched me, and I appreciate the fact that you made it! I quit T and threw out the notion of "passing" years ago. Genuine self-expression, comfort with my body, and security in my identity are way more important than trying to not appear "female" to society. I've gone in a controversial direction in my journey (that I'll probably get shit for by the trans community) because I wear skirts and make-up. But that doesn't mean I'm de-transitioning at all! Quite the contrary. I'm having bottom surgery in 2016! I also have no desire to erase my past. 37 years of suffering while growing up being labeled "female", and 4 years of going through transition, have shaped who I am today. And I love who I am! I've had more growth, courage, wisdom, and strength that I ever thought was possible! That's because the entire journey of my life, transition included, has changed me into someone I'm proud of. How could I erase that? Why would I erase that? I'm under no illusions--I know I'm not ever gonna be cis. I'm aware that I'm never gonna know what body/mind congruence feels like. I know that I'm not ever gonna "pass". I know I'm not gonna wipe out the way I was socialized, nor do I want to bother with trying. So I may as well live my life the way I want, and just be myself. Some won't accept that. I don't give a fuck. This is my life! At the end of the day, I can say that travelling on the path that's right for me is more important than pleasing anyone, more important than making people less uncomfortable, more important than helping folks feel less confused about my gender identity/gender expression, and more important than trying to make people understand why I live the way I do! Yes, I feel alone sometimes... but aren't we all alone to a certain degree? I mean, honestly who gets me more than me? Ummm... nobody!
Skye Taylor I regret years of losing my spontaneity and personality when I realized I was different because people treated me how I considered to be really strange starting when I was twelve and I didn't understand it because I didn't know that this is the way women like to be treated. I stopped having fun and socializing and I could have done so many crazy things had I been myself and been so goofy and happy. I never realized when I was little that "women" exist because I thought they were just basically men with different private parts and they wear different things. I was so frustrated to see that people would not treat me the way that I wanted because of my appearance and they did not respond to the things I did in the manner they responded to males who were doing the same things. My life has been wasted. But I have enjoyed my life. There have been good things.
"To be the hybrid that I was born to be." Yes, yes and thousand times YES. You are telling my life story and I'm over 60. Bless you for your truth. :-)
I am sitting here crying because I have been agonizing over this same thing, and I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us.
i was born female. been on "t" for a year. taking "t" makes me feel two extremes: extremely happy to be clocked as a man. but extremely fake. never, ever normal. literally since I was a kid I'd cry because I'm not a real male. as an adult I saw "t" as the solution. I love my body and facial hair. my voice change. being called "sir". it's just a dream though, one with real consequences. I'm losing family and increasing health risks. I live by a needle. I'm not brave. I am so unimaginably lost. since I was a child. the injections scare me and I dont believe they are turning me into what I feel. I don't feel trapped in a body. I feel born as the wrong person. or completely crazy. at the same time, I loathe the idea of stopping "t" and going back to life as a girl. I will always be a girl, no matter how hairy or buff I am. "t" is a lifetime commitment to wearing make-up. I wish the medical world would create a dysphoria pill. I never said any of this to anyone.
+Suck Dickman Are you having therapy sessions. You do really seem to have issues to deal with so you know what you want. You say the transitioning (in regards to hormones) doesn't make you feel you are heading in the right direction and you also realize the fact that your body will need constant injections to keep you being male. Which to you seem fake. But the other approach of not taking t and even reverting back is also scary, because you don't want to be a girl, I guess. So clearly you are divided right now. I think you should seek some help to see if you can figure out if there is an underlying cause for you "feeling lost" or if you need help figuring out which way you want to take. Good thing with anonymity online though! Glad you got the opportunity to express your personal fears to others! I do hope you try to find a therapist (that´s what I (as a layman) would recommend) who can help you solve these issues.
+Oak Shaman thanks for the advice. I've seen a few therapists in my life, most recently one who specializes in gender issues. being on t and living as a guy as well as I can has made me more happy and comfy than I've ever been. logically i can't make sense of any of this stuff. but even though being a transman feels fake, in a way, I'm still happier going this route. I'm more puzzled by this stuff than anything.
Testosterone is NOT a lifetime commitment. I'm a M to F Transgender and I know that testosterone will PERMANENTLY masculinize your body. My voice will NEVER get higher, etc. Once T lowers your voice and gives you a beard, that's it. You're good to go.
You said: "Testosterone will not help you become who you are" (paraphrased) And you're right. Testosterone can only complete you. You already have to know who you are before you start transitioning. If you still search for that, and hope to find your answer in the opposit gender, then you are not ready for this.
First of all, I'd like to disclose that your video kept popping up while I was endlessly surfing youtube for helpful ftm footage, and I invariably kept scrolling past. I didnt want to unearth the negative aspects of taking T, or realize any disclaimers for fear that it would alter my decision to transition. But thank you. I could not have been more wrong in not watching this sooner. I'm still in the really early phases of transitioning. Just in the past 6 months I cut my hair, professed to close friends that I'd been considering coming out as trans, and began dating under my new transgender identity. The whole process has been incredibly surreal. So surreal, in fact, that in the last week or so I began to question myself as to whether or not this was the right decision for me. I never experienced an excess of disphoria growing up, partly because I've been blessed with a very feminine body and mild, adaptable personality. But I always knew there was something slightly off, and that lead me to eventually discovering I'd been occupying "the wrong vessel" as you so elegantly put it. The reason I want to thank you, is because your video just eased a lot of the pressure I've been feeling to dive right into injecting T, and immediately altering myself to fit societal standards of masculinity, regardless of whether or not that's actually who I am. I don't want to blindly become something I'm not, and after watching this, I am definitely convinced that taking T is not going to solve any inequalities that currently exist in my life. If anything, this video has encouraged me to do some soul searching and fully understand myself on a more intimate level, instead of viewing Testosterone as a false metaphor for total body and soul unity. So thank you again. Sorry for writing you an essay lol.
Brooke Davis You have said it more elegantly than I ever could. "Testosterone as a false metaphor" was exactly the disillusionment I experienced on T. Perhaps the expectation is what killed it. I THOUGHT testosterone was something it is not; I was misinformed. I'm beginning to wonder if those who experience a successful hormonal transition fully understand that T is a metaphor, the same way a packer is a metaphor. I'd like more longevity studies on this.
I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive, but if you're looking for a place to start in soul searching, I'd suggest studying religions throughout history. That really helped me at the beginning of my own transition just to learn about the deep psychology and spirituality in other people throughout history and all over the world. Discovering that put most of the pieces of who I really am together, what I believe, what I think of myself, and what I stand for. While I did eventually decide I wanted to go on T, it did take me seven years to get there, so don't worry, you're not alone.
raggedy-smith Which religions / perspectives ended up helping you the most? I am a Jesus follower, but I believe strongly that I have something to learn from everyone.
I completely understand. I don't want to be seen as I feel I am only because I have started HRT. I just want to be ME. I am a male in a female body. I feel like HRT would be a band aid. I know that it is the best option for many trans people;but, for me, just being different is okay. I have decided to embrace my transeness in the vessel I was given...even though I know that many people opt for HRT and surgeries...and that's okay, too, of course. It can be very difficult for many people to understand how a trans person could want want to remain how they are. I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself. Jumping out of that cage when we come out is such a relief...I don't want to have to jump into another cage just to make people happy yet again. I am handsome...I am desirable...I am loved just the way I am. Maybe I will change my mind as my journey progresses;but, for now, I am happy...and that's what I strive to be. :-)
Adam Joseph I have felt the same way, I had to learn to appreciate my vessel as it was anyhow. It sucks though, I want to be called Logan, but they don't see or hear a Logan.
Adam Joseph I absoluty agree with you especially in your sentece " I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself", I share with you the same opinion, be strong and don't give shit about others, it's your life so enjoy it to the fullest, you're amazing :)
This really made my a lot more sympathetic to people experiencing gender disphoria, whether they transition or not. I hope you have/get peace in this life. You seem like a very thoughtful person.
I don’t. If your actually trans, then you need to transition. It’s the only way to rid dysphoria and be yourself. You can’t be anybody else but yourself. I don’t consider people who say they are trans and don’t transition actually transgender. They aren’t-they usually confuse body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria.
koltonshawn you’re a self righteous self loving POS! Who are you to make these judgements? What if someone doesn’t have the financial means to transition?
This is me. I will never be cisgender. I am a man trapped in a woman, but I don't want to lose me... I was given my body for a reason... and I feel like one day the right person will love me for it and that I can be happy being a hybrid too *high five*
+Z zz do some research asshat. If you were to look into the composition of an embryo,you'd know that xx& xy chromosomes do not strictly define gender, as someone born as a "male" may still be born with female genitalia (see term:intersex). Gender is a wide spectrum friend, much wider than your understanding.
I have to say that this video explained things to me in a way that was clearer than anyone has ever been able to explain before. I could REALLY feel the struggle that trans folks must go through when you were explaining the mismatch between the brain and body. Thank you so much for making this. And you made me smile. You are one MAGNIFICENT hybrid my friend! I wish you ALL THE BEST in the world!
I'm... I'm so sorry that anyone ever said you were a disgrace to transgender people. Specially other trans people. Transition is not (or atleast should not be seen as such in my oppinion) something you do to become male or female. It is not about taking hormones or getting surgery. Nor is it about becoming someone else. It is about getting to be comfortable with who you are. I figure reaching that point is different for everyone because we are all different, but if you keep that in mind then even if you take a "step back" you are actually still going forward, because you now have the knowledge to realize that you needed that "step back", which made you truer to yourself. And if you manage to feel comfortable with who you are.. well I guess that is the goal of transition.
I get what you are saying 100%. You are saying that your brain is male and your body is female. It’s a dichotomy that you were born with and that what makes you feel complete is not pretending your female body doesn't exist but allowing your male brain a voice to express yourself as a male in your female body. I would compare it to the way the Kinsey scale measures sexuality. That our sexuality is best expressed as a spectrum instead of on and off. In the same way your gender experience doesn't need fixing. You realized that as the supposed cure was robbing you of part of your identity. So that while other transgendered people might feel complete at the opposite end of the spectrum from where they were born that this isn't necessarily the case for all, that for some their gender identity exists somewhere between the two as is clearly the case for you. You are a brave intelligent and very articulate individual. I’m glad you made the choice you did to make yourself feel complete and happy. Your voice deserves to be heard and I for one am very glad you are sharing your experience.
I thoroughly enjoy reading intelligent video responses, thank you. It was a pleasure to get to know your opinion on the matter and what you said makes a great deal of sense. As a FtM myself I am very much male and desire the complete transition however I do know some who are very much in the middle of the scale. I only hope, through education and understanding, every human being can come to realize we are all somewhere on the scale, even cis-gendered people, and stop attempting to shun the other half of our own personal self. In one of my cultures, Japanese, we see the world through an artists eyes. Men and Women alike are simply artists balancing the gender roles while keeping them distinctly separate. This is strongly evident among the ancient warriors where Martial Arts is only one aspect of his or her strength. Every man worth his weight in gold could also arrange flowers, delicately drink ceremonial tea and usually paint, draw, sing or dance. This fact was also true of the women warriors. I wish these values were still valued in this day and age as they were then and that they were spread across all modern cultures. Life would be quite a bit more peaceful in my opinion.
pappiwolf I appreciate your point of view as well. I myself am just beginning to realize aspects of my gender experience that could qualify as not completely cisgender and as such go a very long way to explaining why all through puberty and my early adult life I was seen and treated as gay or effeminate even though I've always been attracted to women. I never even thought that anything else was possible until just recently. It's lead me to start reevaluating everything about my self and how I've been forced to see my self all these years so much so that I think I'm ready to start discussing things with a mental health professional that is licensed to deal with such issues. If it were not for You Tube I think I would still be in the dark of the many beautiful people that exist all through out the spectrum. I'm very happy to have read your very positive words as well.
@@AnthonyRizzo2 Wow, I truly have total respect for you. You are smart and Genuine and you speak your mind. Its amazing to see someone figuring out what they want in life. I hope you found your path
I agree that dysphoria will always follow us, as trans. No matter what we go through. But hrt and my surgeries made me survive, made me have a life, made me see myself and be myself, and helped others see myself. Harry Benjamins book The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966)(can be downloaded for free) is oldfashioned in many ways, but Benjamin was very aware of the transgender spectrum (he called it transsexualism) and empasized as a endocrinologist that hrt was not suitable, necessary or wanted treatment for every transindividual. Our brains are wired differently, so its probably true then, that transgender treatment should be adjusted to the individual. Your video made me for the first time understand the wish not to go through full transition. Its all how our brains are wired.
***** As a transman who has transitioned (nearly fully), your perspective is invaluable to me. Everything you're saying, I said with as much conviction before I took hormones. My reality on T turned out to be quite different, though. The fact that your own conviction has remained is certainly proof that we're wired differently, and also that some folks are indeed happy on hormones.
@@BluntedFSharps I hope you are happy bud and that your journey of discovery is going well. You are an amazing person, Strong and Unique. I wish I had friends like you (or any for that matter). I'm a Cisgendered gay geeky guy, so I haven't had to go through the same things as you, but I'm always here to listen. You are a gorgeous human being 😄
I am hybrid too. I thought a lot about taking T, but I decided to stay a masculine woman. I hate menstruating and getting paid less to do the same job as males, but otherwise I do just fine. I work as an engineer, most of my colleagues are male and they consider me one of the guys, but not because I'm "passing"... it's just that they recognize the masculinity in me and it's not something forced, it comes out of me naturally. I also have a muscular built because I work out everyday, and I think that people also respect that; when you have muscles because you work hard and eat properly... so I feel proud of the body I created and that gives me a self-confidence, something that comes only from you accepting who you are.
That was one of the most beautiful and well thought out conversations I have ever heard in my life. Thank you for your time and effort despite how hard it must be to articulate the complexity of the situation. It means a great deal to me that there are multiple perspectives even if some are at times against the overwhelming wave of opinions and continues to help me understand myself as well as concerns of available options. You seem absolutely amazing and I do wish you every luck in your journey; I hope you find the truth that will relieve that pain, not at all presuming that is at all a possibility.
This is great. As a genderqueer person, I still get dysphoria from certain aspects that I'm desperate to change, but I kind of know already that everything will never be 100% aligned. I think I'll end up on T eventually, because I can't handle some things (like my voice), but it's a struggle knowing that I'll never be at a point where everything fits. Negative shit aside, thank you for this video. I think it's important for people to explore gender and explore who they are, no matter what other people tell them. And it's important for people to know that hormones and surgeries aren't what makes a person trans -- being trans is an identity, and other people have no full understanding of what a person is feeling to make them take on that identity. People deserve to explore and ignore the barriers people try to throw at them.
hey you, I am now in my 5th month of hormonal therapy, I 'pass'(such a stupid word) fully right now and even before injections I passed most of the time.The thing is, that now I stopped fussing whether my haircut or clothing is 'passing material', I don't care anymore. I don't care not because of some particular changes(i didn't change a lot though) but because I am not afraid to be seen as trans anymore, I am more provocative and daring. Your point of view is quite gripping to me, because I stopped being fearful right after my first injection, which was kind of a ritual, an ending and a beginning at the same time.I know I'll start seeing a young MAN in the mirror soon and this knowing helps me to embrace my transsexuality. While before T I was very sharp and insecure even about the word 'trans'alone, I just wanted to be a man, no compromise. I totaly agree that the vial and the needle will not make you, me or some other person who they truly are, but for me it's helping to reach the climax of my maleness. I don't feel that T is masking my path or even my own individual self, it's actually unveiling this path, the image I always had in my head, unvealing this severe and blessed voyage. And what about being invisible, yes, there is something of that nature in every ftms life (those who use hormones) when you start being 'just a guy' in the socieity. I don't believe there is such thing as 'just a guy' or 'just another girl', because every single random person you spot in a coffee shop, park, whatever could tell you at least one intriguing story from a personal journal. Our lives are happenning in our heads and I'll never feel just a guy, why would I care what my enviroment assumes? Anyway, regarding trans stuff - I find FTMs sexy, both physically and intellectually, your speech and perspective is sexy as well and muchness wow lets love and respect more
S M Vieira When I first set out to make these videos, I prepared myself for possible backlash and cruelty (the Internet can be a cruel place). What I found instead was kindness, humility, a hunger for knowledge, appreciation for a different perspective. Thank you, for all of those things.
Why does transitioning have to be throwing away a large part of you? That's still your story that's still a part of you. Changing your body to match your brain (and passing as male)only changes the fact that your past isn't on your sleeve and you may have to have close deep connections with people before telling that story. Just my opinion to each there own good luck on your journey everyone's is different
in the vast majority of pre-contact indigenous tribes, transfolks were integrated as an essential reflection of the nature of Nature themselves (since the real world is one of multiple realities all intersecting at once). ive always hated the way the western world pathologizes transfolk based on this false binary gender dichotomy....you are here for a reason and the very existence of your trans reality is not only beautiful but gives me hope for the rest of the world :)
Okay, no. I'm tired of this bullshit. As a Native American, I am telling you that most tribes were sexist, homophobic, and transphobic; including my own. Stop idolizing "indigenous cultures" that you don't understand. They were just as horrible as the rest of the ancient world. The "Two-Spirit" concept is a Neo-Native American culture aspect. Like dream catchers, they originated from a few tribes. The concept got slightly twisted to suit the needs of the majority who liked the basic idea. (In this sense, it's sort of a consensual culture appropriation). What you are saying is misinformation. Please stop that and check your facts.
Aubren Lewis hey I appreciate your input and you're totally right! I guess I appreciate the concept, as many others including other indigenous folks do. I am mixed blood too :)
You are so awesome Jonah. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. Personally, I want to be invisible, to just be seen as a male. My close friends know, and that is enough for me. I do sometimes think I wish I could tell people I'm trans, but only when I perceive a woman sizing me up as a potential problem. I always want women to be comfortable around me, and I hate that the culture is such that many women don't feel safe around men. But all I can do is be a good guy. Thanks again for your video. You are so brave and such a strong person. :)
Teddy Theodore It does feel bad to be stealth and have women distrust you for the danger you pose as a man. Even if you're invisible as trans, being visible as a good guy will still change things for the better. Leading by example is admirable.
a lesson on self acceptance and love for every one, male, female, everybody in between. i dont write comments, but this moved me. im a straight female. i dont know what im called right now, but people always called people like me straight. i never thought i'd be moved so much by a transgender story, but i was surprisingly able to relate to this with regards to self acceptance and love. hormones, mutilation, adoration, attention, are not the key to self acceptance. silent confidence, acceptance, self love is something only you can do within you. being a woman or a man is beyond physical. its far beyond having a vagina or penis. its an essence. something which this person has finally understood.
I have waited a long time for this video.. And it did not disappoint ..you are truly one of the most intriguingly beautiful, intelligent, soft spoken individuals I have ever come across. Seriously!! I'm not a crazy creeper but my gosh your eyes and that mouth.. Wheeew you are like on an entirely different level than the masses.. You were right, you were born exactly the way you were supposed to be born... And I'm telling you now my dear, you are are destined for greatness..
Thank you!!! This is a thing I have been thinking for now few years... Im also ftm and being on t for five years but I have always felt the same way to do also. I just have decided to stop t, the reasons are the same and its very great and cheering to find a person who thinks the same. I will start following you!! Really thank you. Your words are the words in my mind that never really came out
You're right. Different IS ok. You are on the right track.You already are who you are, and know who you are. Nothing can change that. I'm a born female in every sense of the word, although I was always a bit of a tomboy, but I have always kind of resented the male and female division thing. It's like us and them. I feel that it is more important to be a member of the human race than a gender. I'm a person who just happens to be female, and that's ok, except for the period and cramps that I don't wish on anyone. I'm just me. Maybe I'm alone in thinking this way. Everybody is different. Thank you for this excellent video.
+Beverly Glover I'm with you on this, the strong binary divide drives me crazy if I think about it too hard. I was born female and have body dysphoria about having breasts that are large and presenting as female, but I'm not interested in being either of the extremes. Physically I'd rather be flat chested, muscular, but keep some female characteristics and ideally be androgynous, which would match my feelings of agender identification, but I don't really care that much to think about it. And would I really? - because choosing androgyny could also mean being ostracised and being at risk of attack and invasive inappropriate questioning for no reason but not fitting in a strangers perceptual box. Socialisation helped me get used to the rules, but I'm very uncomfortable and feel misgendered when they're overtly applied to me as a "female", and I think the rules for males could be worse, if Norah Roberts' work 'Self Made Man" is anything to go by. I resent the us and them divide too, the objectification from some men that can't relate to women so badly they can't even be freinds, like women aren't people. That's so weird, and I've met people I liked, smart, good people, only to find they stopped talking to me when sexual involvement wasn't an option! I look around and gender seems like a religion that causes more harm than good. I just don't get it.
Thank you for your courage and bravery, I respect your narrative so much. I understand where you're coming from. I was prominent in the social justice community on Tumblr. I had been where most females have been. My fear of men and getting raped again consumed me, it paralyzed me. It paralyzes me. I have heart palpitations just entering the male section of a clothing store. When men are around me, I can feel how small my body is. My blood pulses to the end of my veins and I become so very aware of how short that distance is. And once I came out as trans, as male, what was a respected narrative, a loud, well-spoken voice, was suddenly a person forcing themselves into a marginalized, discriminated community, a voice that was trying to speak over. I was hated. I was called trash and scum and told to die, that my very existence was displorable and disgusting. The hate was so bad that I deleted my account and took to the other extreme to find solice. I ran from a world of hating men to a world that exmbraced men and side-eyed these feminists. And while I've learned that my opinions, my thoughts, my preconceived notions were wrong, that not all menwere violent, still I was between to very different worlds. And it's so hard. It's so hard that the story my biology made me have is erased by three small words, "I am male". I struggle with it daily. Hearing all the crying for men to be equal, that men have pain too; I still have that instantaneous gut reaction to cry out that women have it worse. I can never unlive, unknow, retract, or reject my female experience. I can never retrograde on living the harsh reality that men's esteem is maybe not as important as women's safety. And there will never be peace in that. But as you said, it is unique. It is my purpose. I was made to speak. Although nothing makes me more excited than shot day, and I find harmony in my shifting body, there will always be doubt. And being on that line, I know I am but a few inches away from speaking your story as my own. Thank you, friend. You are not in this alone. You are a beautiful human being.
Kristoffer S Do you perchance live anywhere near me? Because we need to have coffee. You have shared yourself so openly with me. I cannot imagine how my video could spark such an amazing outpouring of truth and pain and love. But I am so grateful. Your narrative is similar to mine in many ways. Whatever your narrative becomes, wherever it takes you, never stop speaking. Never stop speaking.
I'm autistic and nobody knew so I didn't get the help I needed. My parents just left me in my room. My mind consummed itself. All I had were my thoughts. To imagine my words are worth speaking, after so much silence, when I couldn't speak, is mind blowing. Thank you kindly, sir n__n
Very moving, thoughtful introspection- I am an old straight white male whose work brings me close to folks in all stages of this process-I am trying to educate myself from the literature and from others' lived experience. Your elucidation of the irony of reinforcing the binary that you also reject was very well said and is something that has been gnawing at me but I had not articulated it so well. Also impressive how you can take so much meaning from your experience and share it without insisting it applies to everyone-this should be simple but hardly anyone can do it. thanks
This is amazing and clear and I think gender is at the heart of a dynamic that is destroying the planet. I see folks like you as being the hope of the planet and I mean that quite literally. Thank you for bieng so brave, so clear, so articulate.
Most videos I've watched of post-transition individuals seem to have expected more and still have unresolved gender dysphoria. I wonder if the problem is closer to body dysmorphia and is caused by social pressures to conform to gender norms. I worry that treating transexuals by creating a false biology is not the best way to help. Anyways, very insightful video, I hope you continue learning!
This is beautiful! My partner is going through the same thing right now and I have been trying to watch more videos to be more supportive of him. Thank you for speaking your truth! You are opening the door for a lot more trans men to be at peace with themselves. Good luck on the rest of your journey! Love & Light!
Heart touching video and thoughtful comments. I need a moment to take in how much this moved me. I am a genderfluid, assigned male a birth. I change almost every day often twice or more in a day. When I wake up it helps to ask myself who I am at the moment so that I can better dress and prepare for the day. I more frequently find myself as female or nonbinary then male but for the sake of family and some relations(both of which I am working on improving) I present as male regardless of the rarity of actually fitting that roll. I find the message of this video to be vary powerful and it is amazing to me how much he(hoping that is correct) stood up for his humanity. This idea that you have to look or be a specific way is absurd. I am proud he could show himself and pass but hod onto his being well enough to say who he is and was and will be, that even if his appearance and voice are different, he should be allowed a life to discover what this body image is and how to best express it. It shows me that though hormones, surgery, voice training, magic, or anything else must be done for yourself and not for others. Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that. It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand. As a genderfluid I do sometimes feel male, but people don't see who I am at any given moment and regardless of what gender I feel like the things I like to do and dislike to do are still fairly the same. I should not be expected to like power rangers, think flowers are silly, to desire to wrestle, or build, just based on how I was born. I would like to be a female, to live and reproduce as one, but it is true, I am not one. I probably will not achieve such a body switch. But even if I did it would be for me, it would be because I want to choose that lifestyle. Given that ideal I would still be genderfluid, I would still feel male sometimes, and that is okay. It should be seen as okay. It should be okay to say "I am a woman, and I choose a male lifestyle." or "I am a woman who was told to be male, choosing a female lifestyle" or even "I was told I have to be a gender but I choose to live without." It is huge and validating to hear someone say that they have transitioned and though they are their expressed gender, they are still transgender and that is part of their identity. I would like to say that I am proud to be genderfluid, I wish for people to soon see me as female but I am proud to also be transgender. Proud to take this choice for myself, and go. Thanks for this video and thanks to all who took the time to read this long comment.
+JareMicah Schmidt "Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that. It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand." So poignant.
I'm a cis straight woman and watching this video I find you extremely attractive. The masculinity of you. Your spirit. I just want to give you a hug. You are a man and you are so beautiful inside and out.
You are very articulate and clearly have put a great deal of thought into all of this. Thank you for speaking - especially with regards to detransition in the context of body dysphoria. Being told transition "wasn't right for you" like I've been told (and I can probably guess you've been told as well) just seems to minimize the dysphoria aspect. Alternatives to transition are kind of a taboo topic in most trans circles I've encountered, compared erroneously with conversion therapy. But that's what you are doing, it seems - finding an alternative to transition in dealing with dysphoria. Good luck, and you are brave for speaking out. There aren't any resources for detransitioners, so videos like yours represent what exists of the support structure.
+MiriamAfloat You're right-being told that "transition just wasn't right for me" is incredibly invalidating of the point I was trying to make. In fact, if you google my name, the very first result is an article in which I was misquoted as saying "it just wasn't right for me." So many people seem to be missing the message. I also believe applying the word "detransitioning" to everyone who's decided to quit T is grossly overgeneralizing and oversimplifying. I haven't detransitioned. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Hey! I really like your video and I agree with you. In first place your are a HUMAN. Unfortunatelly in our society gender is binary, there is just such as "female" and "male and they expect you to identify with it. If you aren't able to do this, you can't really choose something in between, people don't get it, you have to fit in a category. I have never heard about cis-genderism before. Thank you for bringing up and explaining it. I am not transgender, but watching this and thinking about cis-genderism I asked myself if was cis. Thinking about it leaves me with the conclusion that, there are definitly things i like about beeing a woman, and I am lucky tu be one. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind beeing a boy, i often asked myself how i would have looked like, if i had been sexy as man, if i had succes. Also I vary very much my clothing and my perception. I like to dress in a very androgenous way (tomboyisch), i used to wear binders when i was 15 and i shaved my head. Then, when i was 17 i started to discover make up and be more on the feminine side. I fell in love with a guy and i felt like i was "fitting in" as a girl and that everything was allright. As my realtionship ended i discovered some gay tendecies. I admit that, not being chased guys and not chasing them that much, i feel less pressured to "fit in" as a woman. So i still have a very tomboyish side, but also a feminine one. Also i would not identify as hetero, homo or gay. Gay would mean to me, that i do not consider men at all, which is not true, because i fell in love with one in the past. Hetero wouldn't apply neither because it excludes my girls crushes, and "bi" would be too "binary (i could maybe fall for a trans). Futhermore, i don't have much of a phisical sexual desire, compared to other people my age, so there would be also a "asexual" aspect. I do not believe in black or white, at least it does not apply for me. It makes a lot easier, but thats not fully me. I wish to meet a person, who will be ready to get to know all aspects of me, even if they seem contradictory. For others this might sound really confusing but in my mind it is really clear. I perfectly know who I am. I am a spectrum of many aspects and you can't reduce me in a category.
So much insight in this video. This is how I see it: Believing you are something that you are not, or wanting to be something that you can never be - is painful. And I don't believe anyone wants to live in pain. I can't truly speak for any other person on this planet, as I am not experiencing anyone's life but my own, but dear transsexuals. I believe you are confused. There is a difference between the spiritual and the biological world. And to me it looks like you're caught in between. In the biological world you will always be the sex you were born with. It can never be changed. Not even with surgery or hormones. In the spiritual world there are no boundaries. No sexes. And your experience as a transsexual can only be spiritual. No scientific research has ultimately proven the condition to be biological. Therefore the narrative "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa is a delusion. You can't be something you physically are not. It's just thoughts. You can identify with the opposite sex, but why would you identify with something you can never be? Stop fighting with reality and the things you can't change. Instead of looking to the physical/biological aspect you should look to the spiritual. Spiritually no one is male or female. You are just consciousness. Physically/biologically you will always be either male or female (or intersex in rare cases) no matter how much you resist. If you learn to accept the truth of your human condition I think you will be happier. If you are a feminine male you can transition into physical femininity, and call yourself a woman, because that is just a social construct anyway, but never believe that you are female, 'cause that is delusional. The same goes for female-assigned transsexuals. The moment you start fighting with the physical reality you are bound to be unhappy.
MammalucaArt The only reason I'm not deleting this comment (as it has nothing to do with my video, and is likely copied/pasted on several other videos) is that my viewers have a right to think for themselves and hear everyone's opinions on the subject. And you definitely buffered your opinion with phrases like "I believe" and "to me," so thank you. But let me tell you this: recognizing your genderless spirit can never make you comfortable inside of your gendered body. If you are comfortable inside of yours, congratulations. If you were previously uncomfortable, but have found a way to deal with it, congratulations. For many, the only "truth of their human condition" is the fact that there is a problem and no ideal way to fix it. You cannot tell them their discomfort is a delusion. Our human experience is the only tangible thing we have, and God forbid we spend 60 years in discomfort because somebody told us that looking for a solution would ultimately be more painful.
BluntedFSharps You can look for a solution all you want. I just don't think you will find the answer as long as you look for it in the physical world, or try to change your body, instead of examining your mind. From watching your video I thought you felt somewhat the same? I am male-bodied and have always struggled with accepting this. I could have easily fallen into the classic transsexual narrative of "I am a girl trapped in a boy's body", but I realized at a very young age, that a sex change would never truly make me happy, because I could never be the other sex anyway. I asked myself "why am I so ashamed of being a boy with a penis and short hair in the first place?" and I realized that it was because of the associations these physical traits have in this world, and my social conditioning had implemented in my consciousness that because I was feminine I could only be a girl, and girls don't have penises or short hair. Gender is like language. We learn it almost automatically as infants from social conditioning. Why do people think their mind/soul/consciousness is gendered or sexed? I believe it's because of social conditioning. As soon as we develop our consciousness we learn that femininity belongs to females and masculinity belongs to males. It makes us limited in our understanding of ourselves. Therefore I think it's important to look beyond one's own logic, and that's what I did. Today I am still a product of society, as we all are, but at least I try to examine the logic behind my thoughts, which I think a lot of people don't care to do. I have come to the temporary conclusion that I am a male who predominantly embodies characteristics that our society attaches to females. Just because society has set these rules, it's not gonna brainwash me into thinking that my body should have been female, and make me come up with elaborate theories why my brain is that of a female. All these studies are themselves a product of a social conditioning/social constructs. There is no god-given answer to what it means to be a man or a woman, and why should it even matter?. We are all so caught up in our language and social constructs, it's not just transsexuals, they are just the symptom of a bigger confusion in society. Bottom line is. Every human (including transsexuals) should keep questioning who they are throughout life, and understand that most likely everything you think you are, is something that has been tought to you. Most likely you will never know the truth of who you really are.
MammalucaArt I created this channel to explore all the things you just mentioned, and bring to light all the issues you mentioned. Many people don't stop to think about them. I strongly agree with a lot of your points about socialization, and believe our conditioning is so ingrained that it's nearly impossible to go back and pick through it all. But one thing I have to strongly protest is your calling the brain-body mismatch a "brainwashing." As a 4-year-old, I didn't have the capacity for "elaborate theories," or any conscious knowledge of gender expectations. I had no shame for being female. No idea how a "male" acted, really, or why I'd want to act like that, or act like anything, really. I acted how my friends acted-boys and girls. I enjoyed the toys I was given. Didn't really care what my parents forced me to wear (that came in middle school, once I did have knowledge of social expectations, and did feel shame). And yet I felt an overwhelming incongruence between my body and my mental recognition of my body parts. Your theory cannot fully explain my experience. I can learn from it, sure-and other trans people may see themselves in it. But please don't generalize. Your experience is not representative of the whole.
BluntedFSharps "Your experience is not representative of the whole." Absolutely not! I can only fully understand what I already know. And I have never known the feeling you describe of incongruence between the body and the mental recognition of body parts. Though your experience seems inherent to me, I also think that mental recognition is spiritual and cannot be blamed on biology. Therefore I can still only see transsexuality/gender dysphoria as a spiritual condition, not a biological one. The reason behind my tantrum (sorry) is this war on "true transsexualism/transgenderism". These "true transsexuals" try to rationalize their condition with a biological explanation, but I just don't buy it. For me mental recognition/perception, thoughts, feelings and identification are pure consciousness and has nothing to do with hormones, chromosomes or anything biological in general. It will always be consciousness that tells you what you are. You can never be a victim of biology. You can only be a victim of your own thoughts. Most human suffering stems from thoughts, and most transsexuals (and people in general) are just completely blinded by their own thoughts and narratives, and have built their entire indentity on them. Of course they're gonna think I'm an idiot for saying this.. I consider myself a spiritual person. That's why I don't believe our consciousness can be explained fully from a biological point of view. It's not your body that is wrong. It's your thoughts about it. To be completely honest with you - I don't think there is anything wrong with reality. Our minds create the problems. And most people on this planet, including myself, are caught up in our minds most of the time. For me it's about stepping out of this illusion, and learning not to identify with my thoughts - no matter how inherent they may seem. We live in a post-modern western society. We no longer have to identify with our thoughts or our biology to survive. Thanks for reading!
MammalucaArt Thanks for your thoughts. While I don't agree with all of them, I do recognize your intellect, and hope that you too never stop exploring these issues.
Wonderful video, and in parts quite poetic. For someone like me, who has wondered for such a long time whether I'm fooling myself one half of the time or the other, constantly shifting in how I feel and what I want, it's nice to see someone who isn't unsure, but who pretty much upholds the inbetween as something worthy in itself.
viewhue I am indeed sure that being unsure is freeing. I've always found that the most intelligent people are starkly aware of how much they have left to learn. Humbling ourselves to the in-between, to the open doors, to the uncertain future is a worthy life goal, I feel.
BluntedFSharps I don't even remember what I was looking for when I opened youtube this evening, but your video was just right there, so of course I had to watch it. I watched and couldn't help feeling that you were speaking my story (putting into words what I have not quite found the words to express.. and I definitely related to everything you said). It was INSANE how much your words resonated with me. I do realize that we are two very different people.. and it's wonderful! It is SO beautiful that you exist.. that I exist.. hell, even that youtube exists. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a very important thing by telling your story. It's actually incredibly inspiring.. and although I spend a lot of time telling myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say, witnessing your bravery has absolutely effected me. It has made me think. It has made me want to act.. be heard.. be visible. Thank you SO VERY MUCH! honestly, i have NO idea who you are, but I have such a pure love and respect for you. It's like, "damn.." Thank you! If you're in L.A. let's fucking talk. haha. RESPECTTTTT!!! :-) also, I shared the mess outta this video.
Ash Cardona I am speechless by the love you just gave me, a stranger. The respect is purely mine. You should know that you've affected me, too. Penciling you in for coffee if I ever visit the west coast...
Jonah, I know it has been over a year since you posted this video, but thank you so much for posting it. In a world full of people hating themselves and taking drastic measures to change what they were born with, you are the brave individual who was just honest. You are a very eloquent speaker and I can tell you are an intellectual. You truly could write a book about this subject with substance. I respect people like you.
Dude that was deep. Great video. I'm mtf and I used to feel totally pressured to get the big surgery. Luckily I realized that I'm fine with being a hybrid before I wasted $20k. Fuck what people think. There's no separating me from my estrogen though lol I love that shit
This makes a lot of sense and I have definitely had these thoughts myself. What comes up for me is that I am not just tansgender (FTM) but I am also attracted to straight women. I have never had any real serious relationships because they in the end, were attracted to men. So to look male, even though I know I myself will always have female parts as well, but to look male is so my partner can see the being that I see myself as. Changing my outward appearance to look male will never deny my feminine side. We are all made up of masculine and feminine. So the way I see it is I can change my physical appearance to be male and finally attract the woman into my life who is attracted to me physically. But again this does not erase my femininity. But we all have our different perspectives and are meant to experience things for different reasons which is beautiful and perfect. So thank you for sharing.
Finding acceptance of yourself is such a great thing. I think it's wonderful that you've found a path to your real self and that's all you can really ask for in life. Good luck on your path!
I'm 58, and my youngest daughter (of six kids) has been in lesbian relationships for the last six years, since her senior year in high school. I'm so glad I got over my fundamentalist beliefs against homosexuality in time to be completely supportive of her choices and inclinations; and when she joined an LGBTQ group at college, there was something a little different in her experience than most of the people she met there--she had never experienced prejudice or harrassment from family or friends for who she was. She and her girlfriend were actually celebrated in their newfound relationship by their instructors and peers in a small town alternative charter school. I'm proud of her as I am proud of all my children. I find all the sex and gender identity exploration going on these days fascinating, and see it as a reflection of a transition happening in the world at large, from duality to multidimentionality in many areas of life. No more either/or. Now it is both/and then some.
BluntedFSharps I have personally been thrilled to be female all my life, and never wanted to be male, not the least of the reasons being that I loved having babies and being a mother. However, being in the "right" body didn't prevent me from having huge issues and struggles with self hatred and rejection, which have made it possible for me to feel great sympathy and compassion for those who feel they are in the "wrong" body. "Who am I?" is the great question. I agree with you. There is a reason why we go through what we go through. We may not know what the reason is, but I believe we can find it out, though it take a whole lifetime, or many lifetimes.
Roberta Riley I second the motion for more of you. Please clone yourself a few times over. ;) But seriously, it never fails to touch me deeply when I hear from people like you, who overcome their beliefs in order to fully support and love their children. Your daughter is very lucky, and the world is richer for one more open and loving human soul.
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking your truth! I know living authentically tends to mean taking a lot of hits, and many hit a lot harder because you're more vulnerable. But your courage and your true self are seriously radiating out of you in this video. I haven't seen your other videos, so I don't know what you have looked like or what you would look like if you could be reborn in the vessel that matches your inner map, but when I look at you I see a person who I would love to know, would be proud to call a friend, and can learn a lot from. I hope that as you explore all of the joys, limitations, revelations, triumphs, and sorrows of being hybrid, you find inner peace, freedom from static, and community with those who are able to see the authentic you. All the best to you!
Jonah - It is truly a pleasure to listen to your truth. What you so eloquently explain is what I've been writing about (in my personal journal) for several years now. There has always been a part of me that although embraces that I am transgender, I cannot deny the beauty of my entire experience in this life time. To not accept my ALL would be to deny the beautiful being that I came here to experience. I respect that every journey is different, but I've come to understand that straddling the masculine and feminine personality/qualities ...is what makes ME whole!! We are so much more and beyond the experiences on this plane ...and dear friend, I am so grateful for you, that you exist and that you are sharing your experience. Much love to you Jonah!
You astonish and inspire me. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey- it has impacted me in ways i can barely explain. So, I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite quotes "You need only claim the event of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality." -Florida Scott-Maxwell
You are right, I was born the way I was for a reason... That reason I am learning more and more each day/week and what not. You literally just stopped me. I was very confused, but I wanted to. I now completely feel and know that I should just be who I am. I can't be a man, I thought of this as well... You video made me cry, I'm crying as I'm typing as well... Thanks for the eye opener.
You speak very poetically and have a wonderful voice. As someone who's been questioning their assigned gender for a while, this was really enlightening and reassuring. I love the amount of thought put into this and am eager to watch more in the future! Thank you :)
"I am inside of a female vessel, and no matter how I shape it, no matter how I inject, no matter how I cut it, that's not going to change." Hearing you say this just absolutely broke my heart. stay strong
It is actually possible for cis-gender people to have body dysphoria, although I don't know if you would call it that. I am a cis-woman, but for some reason (genetic or hormonal I don't know), I never grew breasts. I don't mean they're small, but they actually didn't develop. I have never asked a doctor about it because of embarrassment, and also because there are limits to what the NHS will do if it's not causing me physical harm, but it does give me what I would call body dysmorphia.
As a lesbian feminist who has always been a trans ally, but appalled by the current iteration of transactivism that considers me a bigot, this is the first time I've ever experienced the term "cis" used neutrally. I can't even begin to tell you what it was like to listen to your story. Your self-respect is at the heart of your respect for everyone else. That's what is so heartbreakingly absent from the angry frightened voices I hear on both "sides" : huge distorted unilateral descriptions of who and what each Other "They" are or are not, know or don't know... In the admittedly small number of online forums I've witnessed or been part of, only a tiny number of transwimmin have been able or willing to contradict the hate spoken in their name. Many wimmin identifying as lesbian feminist casually or angrily dismiss transwimmin as men - and they are complemented by transactivists who condemn any "cis wimmin" who think their shared material experience and all that comes it is a natural foundation for connecting and making meaning in a separatist space. Feminism saved my life - it gave me back my intelligence and reason. It was my gateway understanding of oppression that revealed the dynamics common to all oppression, and the varied paths to liberation. No matter how peacefully or violently freedom is pursued, it always begins with people making meaning of their lives, developing a language of identity and self-respect, by themselves: separate from any voices but their own. It is arduous wonderful work, full of shared pain, healing laughter, furious refinements of identity and purpose, and always celebration. Literacy is the ability to make meaning by talking, listening, reading, & writing. For a study, I decided to look at homophobia in schools as a literacy issue. The greatest tool each of us brings to learning is our own experience: what we already know because of who we are. The talking, listening, reading and writing in a classroom- the literacy achieved - is driven by what each student brings into that classroom- what each hears, what each chooses to say or not say. So, I was able to say to school faculties eventually and with irrefutable statistics, this isn't about your moral opinion of sexual identities, it's about whether you as a teacher are equally committed to the ability of Every student in your classroom to learn. Well and good, but the most exciting thing I discovered was the history and role of Gay Straight Alliances. As sexual minorities became more visible in language and culture in the 1990's, more young people recognized themselves and became more discernible to other school students. Schools - not courts or dark alleys - became the true battlefield - with actual dead and uncountable wounded. Some students began to do for themselves and each other what the administrations refused to do: support & educate. GSAs were a literacy movement. Students got together, talked & listened, shared and refined information : they made meaning. And with the courage that comes from solidarity, and desperate pride of rebels with a cause, they started dispensing good information, one conversational contradiction, one poster at a time : a children's crusade. Good information - the truth about the unknown or feared or despised - is the most powerful force for change. Every struggle for liberation/civil rights has been a literacy campaign. And yes, knowing the horrific history, and naming the enduring hatred, is important, but "what we are *for* is so much more powerful than what we are against." This is how I challenge the haters on any side of any conflict, but especially the transactivists trashing lesbian feminists : trust your truth to speak for itself. And to the alleged feminists spewing back I quote feminism's golden rule of consequence and making change: how you do it is what you get. Feminism is the antithesis of both zero-sum thinking and ends-justify-means behavior. I know this is long - it is all I can offer in gratitude for your eloquent clarity in sharing the meaning you have made of your life, are making. I told some parts of my journey toward clarity and compassion because you gave me directions in my own language. Trusting what I am for and letting that illuminate what I don't understand is pretty reliable as far as it goes. Your description of how you came to be for yourself is the story I needed, the good information that makes emotional literacy possible and empowering. Thank you again and again.
When you said you "missed yourself" it made me think about how I don't "miss myself" at all as the person I "was" before. This video just helps assure that transition is 100% a personal experience. No two people transition the same or have the same feelings, before, during, or after. Trans people have an incredibly hard journey through this life.
Huge respect to you! Embracing the Grey of anything is challenging. You're awesome, & it's great that you're sticking to your Truth, & being honest that the details of that Truth can be as surprising to you as they are to the rest of the world. All the best with your journey!!
I am genderqueer and I identify with a lot of what you're saying. I have considered taking T because I identify more with masculinity, but I do not identify with maleness. Taking T would only move me closer to being in the binary which I do not want. I do not want to be read as a man or a woman. Or a masculine woman or feminine man. I am just a multifaceted person whose bodily configuration does not necessarily match my brain. I would love top surgery though.
Wow, I've never related to someone so much, even if I don't feel exactly like you, what you said feels exactly like what I feel. Thank you so much for making this video. I am who I am already
This is exactly what I think. I loved everything of this video, because it was like talking with myself. These are the exact reasons why I'll never ever go on T, I'll never ever spoke the truth about myself to my parents and family, and I'll never ever consider about surgery and things like that. Thank you very much, and I hope your days will always be bright and full of happiness. Female or male, you are an amazing human, and that's what really matters. Stay strong. ❤️
I am genderfluid and sometimes feel like a woman that I was born as but sometimes I feel as a man. I wish there was a way that when I feel like a man I could be in a man's body. This is the body I was born in and that ok when I feel like a woman but then there is my man side that wishes to be in another body. It's a constant struggle with myself. If I could some how change to a different gender whenever I felt like I'd be happier with myself. I am conflicted of changing to a man, fearing that I will change my personal being. I'm not sure what I want as a physical form right now but I'm doing the best I can with what I have
batjoker12 thats pretty much the same problem i'm having. i feel like i have to choose to be one part of myself or the other instead of somehow being both at the same time.
batjoker12 I'm gender fluid as well - Biologically, I am female, and sometimes I am content with that. But a lot of the time I lean towards feeling very male. But I think the majority of the time, I land somewhere in between (but I still experience fluidity, hence why I identify as genderfluid). I believe the best option for me, personally, is to pursue testosterone..But never "fully" transition (does that make sense?). I love having shoulder length hair, and I love wearing makeup. But I want a deeper voice, and a more masculine figure. I don't ever plan on having top surgery, but just binding instead. It's kind of difficult to explain; But I just wanted you to know that it's really just a matter of think through what you feel may be best for you. You don't have to fully transition, or transition at all. And if you we're to ever go through the testosterone route, you don't have to stay on it for very long, or even permanently (much like the person who made this video). Being genderfluid is difficult and tricky; I think it's really a balancing act, and I certainly intend on finding a nice balance between male and female, to hopefully minimize dysphoria on "male" and "female" days.
Shalee Michelle I think it'd be pretty crazy to go on T if you're not serious about going all the way. Why would you want the voice of a teenage boy like the uploader and have to shave for the rest of your life? That would suck on days you feel like a woman.
Paul Mattoon Do you not understand the definition of being genderfluid, or? I experience a range of fluidity. It's different for everyone; I am somewhere in the middle of female and male for the large majority of the time. I think it'd be worth it; I can't ever feel masc on masc days or in between days if I'm always 100% female. Binding, wearing "masculine" clothing, and packing only go so far. Hair isn't a problem in the slightest, as I wax regularly anyway. But the muscle distribution, thickened jawline and more masc features, as well as a deeper voice are the things I feel would allow me to settle somewhere in the middle. I feel as though it would allow me to lessen the immense amount of gender dysphoria I feel, as well as make my masc days much more bearable. I don't intent to fully transition, because I am not male, nor female. I feel differing levels of gender. Some days I feel totally male, or female, and I use either he/him or she/her pronouns accordingly on those days. On my masc days, I also go by a different name from that of my birth, and dress masc. Are you following? I'm gender fluid; Not solely just one of the binary genders, which is why transitioning fully to the opposite sex would be just as bad as not transitioning at all..Because I'd be in the same position I currently am; One gender, and struggling to relate to the other gender I feel.
That was such a beautiful sharing from the heart. Such a deep dive into what is beneath the surface and what truly matters. Thank you. I wish you could have seen me smiling back at you as you were talking, because I could feel the love. That means you're finding out what it means to love yourself, and that is what every decision is really about.
Like you said you can't forget about your past as a female and that's why it's important for transgender people to create continuity with the past after transitioning because the more you hide the more you're going to be haunted. Stopping transition to avoid confronting the past is not an answer. I hope you're getting therapy because that helps. If you stopped transitioning that's probably because you are content with the changes that already occurred (the voice for example), but if you're not I suspect things aren't going to get better.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a lot of dysphoria, but I feel, as you describe here, like medical measures aren't going to change the feeling that I have different maps, and I'd just be hiding in a different way. I haven't found this perspective before among trans* youtubers, and it it speaks to me so, so much. So thank you. I feel less alone now.
I like this a lot because you aren't a transgender person striving to be cisgender. The fact that a transgender person's "success" is measured by how cisgender they look is one reason why our society is fucked up. I do want to say that gender is a social construct, and the way one identifies with gender is based completely upon their individual culture and experiences. No one is born with a male or female or transgender brain. Our notion of gender and their respective roles is completely imagined. So keep being the one that doesn't fit the gender binary, we have to push these boundaries until they break.
I think this could be the truth for some, and other may disagree. I feel whatever your truth is, whatever makes you happy, live it. Also, IMHO, how one experienced life and judgement and fitting in and all those questions of the early 20's thankfully change later in life. Things become a lot clearer and simpler, hopefully. Thanks for the insight! :)
Transition means something different for everyone. For you, it is just masking the pain. But for me? It's just evolving, becoming what I've always firmly believed I am, finally seeing who I've hoped to see in the mirror all my life. As far as I am aware, as far as my family is aware and anyone else, I had a twin sister. And she died. My mother was told by psychics that she would have 2 daughters and 1 son. But the son would not be strong. And we now know that it's because I, her son, was going to live this difficult life. So I lost my sister, and my sister lost her sister. But her, and my family, wouldn't wish me away to bring her back. Because we are two separate people, despite having shared the same vessel for a time. Transition will enable me to finally become who I've always been. And this 'history' you're on about, it isn't my history. It's just my twin sister's life. I'm glad you've found or are finding harmony with acceptance and your history is something you're proud of and are accepting of. But do not assume this of everybody and don't try to encourage this in everybody. Because we're all different, we all have individual experiences.
When you dont have a dick but you feel like you have an erection (?) Like literal. I'm so serious. Is this almost what you mean. Cause I swear everytime I read porn I feel my no dick rise. I kid you not knowing that I will never get a blow job upsets me.
The Fandom Dork Oral. I meant oral. Blow job = oral. Oral = blow job. Oral is disgusting anyway, though. I don't know why anyone would *want* to put their mouth there. Sure, to please their partner, but to actually *enjoy* giving it? No. The only one enjoying it is the one getting it. I would never want to degrade anyone like that.
That was the most eloquent explanation I have ever heard concerning transgender transition. I am a bigender female, and this video made perfect sense to me. Thank you so much for your courage and insight. I have subscribed and saved this clip so that I can help educate others who struggle, like me, to understand themselves. If it is possible, I would be honored if you would allow me to ask more questions. Thanks, again for your honesty.
Maybe you're androgynous? (but dominantly male.) I think those types of people are beautiful. :) You pass as male, but there's a feminine quality about you that sorta balances everything out and makes you gorgeous. I hope none of that offends you. I just honestly think you're perfect the way you are. ^_^
I honor you for your sensitive, thoughtful and honest sharing of your experience. You express yourself very effectively and in a way that moved me. I am currently the weekend coordinator for a GBTQ ManKind Project weekend in the Carolinas in August and will recommend this to other staff. My hope (and MKP's goal) is that our weekend will help men step into leadership in their lives and their communities around transgender and other issues. You model this for us. Thank you!
I'm FTM but haven't undergone any surgery. I want to, but then again, I'm afraid of not being satisfied with myself afterwards or regreting my decision. I tried putting my thoughts and feelings into words but nothing felt right, no word I chose seemed to fathom the feeling. This video is everything I've wanted to say for so long. I want to pass, but I don't want to miss my biological body. I don't have any trans friends but most of them are confident in their bodies so it's a hard subject to explain to them. I'm so glad I found this video. I really felt like I was the only trans kid who felt like this. I agree with 100% of this video. Thank you for making it.
Be who you are, and be at peace with that. Strive to be better as a person, not different. Also: being a man isn't all that it's cracked up to be. isn't it?
Thanks for your comment +Rembo. Regarding your first line, that's why I went off testosterone. Regarding the second line, you're absolutely right. I found that being a man in our society-in most societies, I imagine-comes with enormous responsibility, but also enormous privilege. Being a woman, however, comes with enormous responsibility and very little privilege. I prefer male responsibility to female responsibility, as I'm not really good at expected female tasks, but the male privilege was unearned and awkward. I didn't want it. Not like that. Not by injecting it into my thigh once a week.
I am FTM and i am pre-everything. Thank you for this video. I feel very confused and lost because i am not sure if i want to start T or not. It would definitely make me "a man with no history" just like you said. But this is not THAT important to me. The most important thing is that i will never be a cis-male no matter how hard i try. It's just medically impossible. And i don't want to have the bottom surgery because it's not advanced enough and it can produce some pathetic results that i won't be happy with. Yes, i can cut off my breasts and i can start T but where does it leave me? Basically, this will make me a walking lie. Because even though i will look like a guy i will also know the harsh truth. This will also make me feel disabled because there will be nothing in my pants. This makes me sad to even think about it. I am really really confused because i do feel like a man on the inside but my options are so limited and i feel like i will never be able to make my body match my brain. :( It's really depressing. :( I do have body dysphoria and i absolutely HATE my breasts so i am 100% sure i want to have the top surgery. But i am not sure about T... It's a very difficult decision. OMG, i really wish i never had to make decisions like this. Anyway, if you feel like talking to me you can always PM me, i would be happy to talk to you.
do more research before you make your decision. I've seen alot of photos of breast removal and it isn't pretty. Also maybe try seeing a therapist with experience with body dysphoria. I believe the biggest problem is we don't know how to love ourselves. I am not trans but have had body dysphoria my whole life. It often keeps me from having any kind of social life for fear of being judged (and the biggest judge is me) . We live in a society that is constantly telling us what is attractive or beautiful and that if we aren't happy we can just have surgery but the problem with that is , if we don't know how to love ourselves the way we are, then after surgery, we still won't. love and blessings to you no matter what you choose to do
@Kakashi Hatake This: "I feel like I can never be a "real" guy. I feel like I will just be a female who has mutilated her body" is EXACTLY how i feel. And this is one of the main reasons why i think i will never start testosterone. Because it will NOT magically turn me into a "real" man. I will always feel there is something wrong with my body. Testosterone and surgeries are unable to solve this problem. Btw, i live in a country where we don't have gender clinics and nobody can prescribe T. Some FTMs get it online anyway and take it without any supervision from doctors! This is really dangerous! I will never do this, it's not for me. Don't get me wrong, if there was a pill that could turn me into a "real" guy i would take it right here right now without thinking twice. Unfortunately, this is impossible. Btw, if you want to talk more, you can always send me a PM. That would be great.
Riding with you on the exhausting hybrid/mutant train my love. It's a lifelong journey and one we can share only through stories and empathy. I feel kind of like we are all in this pack, lone wolves, yet interdependant. Our stories bind us, help to weave more stories, hold this web together. I'm glad to have been able to hold your words, thank you for sharing them. Much love from Casper. Looking forward to more thoughts captured on video xxx
"This will not make you who you are. You already are who you are."
Wise words for all of us, trans or not. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Thank you.
I think the illusion that is sold to some people in the concept of transitioning is the belief that cisgender people are vastly more happy and self-confident simply because they don't have that additional "noise" in their life, but you can find miserable cisgender people struggling to find their identity everywhere. Successfully passing from one gender to another means having to come to terms with the new insecurities that your gender commonly faces everyday, it doesn't mean an end to insecurity.
Exactly. Is anyone comfortable in their owns skin?
Being trans not thoughts . It is biologic search about it more it is something from that day you born
You are the definition of awake. You walk your own path, and i respect the hell out of you for it.
I understand your point but hey for me is kinda the opposite. When I look in the mirror I don't recognise who I see (before Transition). Inside I am male and on the days I look more masculine I start to recognise my self. As a physical representation of my inner self.
Yeah I'm the same man. isn't it strange?
true
Same man
What is it about women that makes you not want to be one? You say "inside I am a male", what does that mean to you? What is a female inside vs a male?
I'm no youngster... I'm probably old enough to be your parental unit! But this video really touched me, and I appreciate the fact that you made it! I quit T and threw out the notion of "passing" years ago. Genuine self-expression, comfort with my body, and security in my identity are way more important than trying to not appear "female" to society. I've gone in a controversial direction in my journey (that I'll probably get shit for by the trans community) because I wear skirts and make-up. But that doesn't mean I'm de-transitioning at all! Quite the contrary. I'm having bottom surgery in 2016!
I also have no desire to erase my past. 37 years of suffering while growing up being labeled "female", and 4 years of going through transition, have shaped who I am today. And I love who I am! I've had more growth, courage, wisdom, and strength that I ever thought was possible! That's because the entire journey of my life, transition included, has changed me into someone I'm proud of. How could I erase that? Why would I erase that? I'm under no illusions--I know I'm not ever gonna be cis. I'm aware that I'm never gonna know what body/mind congruence feels like. I know that I'm not ever gonna "pass". I know I'm not gonna wipe out the way I was socialized, nor do I want to bother with trying. So I may as well live my life the way I want, and just be myself. Some won't accept that. I don't give a fuck. This is my life! At the end of the day, I can say that travelling on the path that's right for me is more important than pleasing anyone, more important than making people less uncomfortable, more important than helping folks feel less confused about my gender identity/gender expression, and more important than trying to make people understand why I live the way I do! Yes, I feel alone sometimes... but aren't we all alone to a certain degree? I mean, honestly who gets me more than me? Ummm... nobody!
Skye Taylor So true. All of it.
Skye Taylor I regret years of losing my spontaneity and personality when I realized I was different because people treated me how I considered to be really strange starting when I was twelve and I didn't understand it because I didn't know that this is the way women like to be treated. I stopped having fun and socializing and I could have done so many crazy things had I been myself and been so goofy and happy. I never realized when I was little that "women" exist because I thought they were just basically men with different private parts and they wear different things. I was so frustrated to see that people would not treat me the way that I wanted because of my appearance and they did not respond to the things I did in the manner they responded to males who were doing the same things. My life has been wasted. But I have enjoyed my life. There have been good things.
"To be the hybrid that I was born to be." Yes, yes and thousand times YES. You are telling my life story and I'm over 60. Bless you for your truth. :-)
"You already are who you are" -- I like that.
I am sitting here crying because I have been agonizing over this same thing, and I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us.
i was born female. been on "t" for a year. taking "t" makes me feel two extremes: extremely happy to be clocked as a man. but extremely fake. never, ever normal.
literally since I was a kid I'd cry because I'm not a real male. as an adult I saw "t" as the solution. I love my body and facial hair. my voice change. being called "sir". it's just a dream though, one with real consequences. I'm losing family and increasing health risks. I live by a needle.
I'm not brave. I am so unimaginably lost. since I was a child. the injections scare me and I dont believe they are turning me into what I feel. I don't feel trapped in a body. I feel born as the wrong person. or completely crazy.
at the same time, I loathe the idea of stopping "t" and going back to life as a girl. I will always be a girl, no matter how hairy or buff I am. "t" is a lifetime commitment to wearing make-up. I wish the medical world would create a dysphoria pill. I never said any of this to anyone.
+Suck Dickman Truth, brother.
+Suck Dickman Are you having therapy sessions. You do really seem to have issues to deal with so you know what you want. You say the transitioning (in regards to hormones) doesn't make you feel you are heading in the right direction and you also realize the fact that your body will need constant injections to keep you being male. Which to you seem fake.
But the other approach of not taking t and even reverting back is also scary, because you don't want to be a girl, I guess.
So clearly you are divided right now. I think you should seek some help to see if you can figure out if there is an underlying cause for you "feeling lost" or if you need help figuring out which way you want to take.
Good thing with anonymity online though! Glad you got the opportunity to express your personal fears to others! I do hope you try to find a therapist (that´s what I (as a layman) would recommend) who can help you solve these issues.
+Oak Shaman
thanks for the advice. I've seen a few therapists in my life, most recently one who specializes in gender issues.
being on t and living as a guy as well as I can has made me more happy and comfy than I've ever been. logically i can't make sense of any of this stuff. but even though being a transman feels fake, in a way, I'm still happier going this route. I'm more puzzled by this stuff than anything.
Testosterone is NOT a lifetime commitment. I'm a M to F Transgender and I know that testosterone will PERMANENTLY masculinize your body. My voice will NEVER get higher, etc. Once T lowers your voice and gives you a beard, that's it. You're good to go.
The is one of the most beautifully worded videos I have ever seen. I admire your intelligence and eloquence.
You said: "Testosterone will not help you become who you are" (paraphrased)
And you're right. Testosterone can only complete you. You already have to know who you are before you start transitioning. If you still search for that, and hope to find your answer in the opposit gender, then you are not ready for this.
So true! Thank you for these commentary!!
One is never "completed".
Polite Q isn't 1 technically complete? asking for science
First of all, I'd like to disclose that your video kept popping up while I was endlessly surfing youtube for helpful ftm footage, and I invariably kept scrolling past. I didnt want to unearth the negative aspects of taking T, or realize any disclaimers for fear that it would alter my decision to transition. But thank you. I could not have been more wrong in not watching this sooner. I'm still in the really early phases of transitioning. Just in the past 6 months I cut my hair, professed to close friends that I'd been considering coming out as trans, and began dating under my new transgender identity. The whole process has been incredibly surreal. So surreal, in fact, that in the last week or so I began to question myself as to whether or not this was the right decision for me. I never experienced an excess of disphoria growing up, partly because I've been blessed with a very feminine body and mild, adaptable personality. But I always knew there was something slightly off, and that lead me to eventually discovering I'd been occupying "the wrong vessel" as you so elegantly put it. The reason I want to thank you, is because your video just eased a lot of the pressure I've been feeling to dive right into injecting T, and immediately altering myself to fit societal standards of masculinity, regardless of whether or not that's actually who I am. I don't want to blindly become something I'm not, and after watching this, I am definitely convinced that taking T is not going to solve any inequalities that currently exist in my life. If anything, this video has encouraged me to do some soul searching and fully understand myself on a more intimate level, instead of viewing Testosterone as a false metaphor for total body and soul unity. So thank you again. Sorry for writing you an essay lol.
Brooke Davis You have said it more elegantly than I ever could. "Testosterone as a false metaphor" was exactly the disillusionment I experienced on T. Perhaps the expectation is what killed it. I THOUGHT testosterone was something it is not; I was misinformed. I'm beginning to wonder if those who experience a successful hormonal transition fully understand that T is a metaphor, the same way a packer is a metaphor. I'd like more longevity studies on this.
I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive, but if you're looking for a place to start in soul searching, I'd suggest studying religions throughout history. That really helped me at the beginning of my own transition just to learn about the deep psychology and spirituality in other people throughout history and all over the world. Discovering that put most of the pieces of who I really am together, what I believe, what I think of myself, and what I stand for. While I did eventually decide I wanted to go on T, it did take me seven years to get there, so don't worry, you're not alone.
raggedy-smith Which religions / perspectives ended up helping you the most? I am a Jesus follower, but I believe strongly that I have something to learn from everyone.
I completely understand. I don't want to be seen as I feel I am only because I have started HRT. I just want to be ME. I am a male in a female body. I feel like HRT would be a band aid. I know that it is the best option for many trans people;but, for me, just being different is okay. I have decided to embrace my transeness in the vessel I was given...even though I know that many people opt for HRT and surgeries...and that's okay, too, of course. It can be very difficult for many people to understand how a trans person could want want to remain how they are. I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself. Jumping out of that cage when we come out is such a relief...I don't want to have to jump into another cage just to make people happy yet again. I am handsome...I am desirable...I am loved just the way I am. Maybe I will change my mind as my journey progresses;but, for now, I am happy...and that's what I strive to be. :-)
Adam Joseph So glad for your happiness, brother. Don't jump into another cage for anyone, ever again. Congratulations on your freedom.
I'm glad I could offer a point of view that you connect with, shane tanner :-) ;and, Thank you, BluntedFSharps .
Adam Joseph I have felt the same way, I had to learn to appreciate my vessel as it was anyhow. It sucks though, I want to be called Logan, but they don't see or hear a Logan.
Thank you, that means a lot to me!
Adam Joseph I absoluty agree with you especially in your sentece " I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself", I share with you the same opinion, be strong and don't give shit about others, it's your life so enjoy it to the fullest, you're amazing :)
You are so beautifully spoken. PLEASE do more videos on literally anything. I could listen to your voice all day
You don't get out much do u?
This really made my a lot more sympathetic to people experiencing gender disphoria, whether they transition or not. I hope you have/get peace in this life. You seem like a very thoughtful person.
I hate when people try to tell trans people that they HAVE to transition
Agreed. The pressure is real!!! Queers echo the binary as well.
Lol if they don't want to transition why are they even trans they can be cis gender not so hard
I don’t. If your actually trans, then you need to transition. It’s the only way to rid dysphoria and be yourself. You can’t be anybody else but yourself. I don’t consider people who say they are trans and don’t transition actually transgender. They aren’t-they usually confuse body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria.
koltonshawn you’re a self righteous self loving POS! Who are you to make these judgements? What if someone doesn’t have the financial means to transition?
Jenna Anderson that’s the only exception. If you can’t financially transition, that’s unfortunate, but you should want to.
This is me. I will never be cisgender. I am a man trapped in a woman, but I don't want to lose me... I was given my body for a reason... and I feel like one day the right person will love me for it and that I can be happy being a hybrid too *high five*
+Z zz do some research asshat. If you were to look into the composition of an embryo,you'd know that xx& xy chromosomes do not strictly define gender, as someone born as a "male" may still be born with female genitalia (see term:intersex). Gender is a wide spectrum friend, much wider than your understanding.
Yes it has been proven.
sternyduke hmm If that is so I should reasearch more into this.
What is it about being a woman you don't identify with?
Tortor Smith we’re all trapped in a different body. Most people hate the body in which they’re in. Mutilating your body is not gonna fix YOU.
I have to say that this video explained things to me in a way that was clearer than anyone has ever been able to explain before. I could REALLY feel the struggle that trans folks must go through when you were explaining the mismatch between the brain and body. Thank you so much for making this. And you made me smile. You are one MAGNIFICENT hybrid my friend! I wish you ALL THE BEST in the world!
I'm... I'm so sorry that anyone ever said you were a disgrace to transgender people. Specially other trans people. Transition is not (or atleast should not be seen as such in my oppinion) something you do to become male or female. It is not about taking hormones or getting surgery. Nor is it about becoming someone else. It is about getting to be comfortable with who you are. I figure reaching that point is different for everyone because we are all different, but if you keep that in mind then even if you take a "step back" you are actually still going forward, because you now have the knowledge to realize that you needed that "step back", which made you truer to yourself. And if you manage to feel comfortable with who you are.. well I guess that is the goal of transition.
Ircy2012 Well said.
I get what you are saying 100%. You are saying that your brain is male and your body is female. It’s a dichotomy that you were born with and that what makes you feel complete is not pretending your female body doesn't exist but allowing your male brain a voice to express yourself as a male in your female body.
I would compare it to the way the Kinsey scale measures sexuality. That our sexuality is best expressed as a spectrum instead of on and off. In the same way your gender experience doesn't need fixing. You realized that as the supposed cure was robbing you of part of your identity.
So that while other transgendered people might feel complete at the opposite end of the spectrum from where they were born that this isn't necessarily the case for all, that for some their gender identity exists somewhere between the two as is clearly the case for you.
You are a brave intelligent and very articulate individual. I’m glad you made the choice you did to make yourself feel complete and happy. Your voice deserves to be heard and I for one am very glad you are sharing your experience.
I thoroughly enjoy reading intelligent video responses, thank you. It was a pleasure to get to know your opinion on the matter and what you said makes a great deal of sense. As a FtM myself I am very much male and desire the complete transition however I do know some who are very much in the middle of the scale. I only hope, through education and understanding, every human being can come to realize we are all somewhere on the scale, even cis-gendered people, and stop attempting to shun the other half of our own personal self.
In one of my cultures, Japanese, we see the world through an artists eyes. Men and Women alike are simply artists balancing the gender roles while keeping them distinctly separate. This is strongly evident among the ancient warriors where Martial Arts is only one aspect of his or her strength. Every man worth his weight in gold could also arrange flowers, delicately drink ceremonial tea and usually paint, draw, sing or dance. This fact was also true of the women warriors.
I wish these values were still valued in this day and age as they were then and that they were spread across all modern cultures. Life would be quite a bit more peaceful in my opinion.
pappiwolf I appreciate your point of view as well. I myself am just beginning to realize aspects of my gender experience that could qualify as not completely cisgender and as such go a very long way to explaining why all through puberty and my early adult life I was seen and treated as gay or effeminate even though I've always been attracted to women.
I never even thought that anything else was possible until just recently. It's lead me to start reevaluating everything about my self and how I've been forced to see my self all these years so much so that I think I'm ready to start discussing things with a mental health professional that is licensed to deal with such issues.
If it were not for You Tube I think I would still be in the dark of the many beautiful people that exist all through out the spectrum. I'm very happy to have read your very positive words as well.
@@pappiwolf Wow, I hope you are happy and living your best life. You said you loved Intelligent Comments and then made one. Much love to you
@@AnthonyRizzo2 Wow, I truly have total respect for you. You are smart and Genuine and you speak your mind. Its amazing to see someone figuring out what they want in life. I hope you found your path
I agree that dysphoria will always follow us, as trans. No matter what we go through. But hrt and my surgeries made me survive, made me have a life, made me see myself and be myself, and helped others see myself.
Harry Benjamins book The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966)(can be downloaded for free) is oldfashioned in many ways, but Benjamin was very aware of the transgender spectrum (he called it transsexualism) and empasized as a endocrinologist that hrt was not suitable, necessary or wanted treatment for every transindividual. Our brains are wired differently, so its probably true then, that transgender treatment should be adjusted to the individual.
Your video made me for the first time understand the wish not to go through full transition. Its all how our brains are wired.
***** As a transman who has transitioned (nearly fully), your perspective is invaluable to me. Everything you're saying, I said with as much conviction before I took hormones. My reality on T turned out to be quite different, though. The fact that your own conviction has remained is certainly proof that we're wired differently, and also that some folks are indeed happy on hormones.
@@BluntedFSharps I hope you are happy bud and that your journey of discovery is going well. You are an amazing person, Strong and Unique. I wish I had friends like you (or any for that matter). I'm a Cisgendered gay geeky guy, so I haven't had to go through the same things as you, but I'm always here to listen. You are a gorgeous human being 😄
I am hybrid too. I thought a lot about taking T, but I decided to stay a masculine woman. I hate menstruating and getting paid less to do the same job as males, but otherwise I do just fine. I work as an engineer, most of my colleagues are male and they consider me one of the guys, but not because I'm "passing"... it's just that they recognize the masculinity in me and it's not something forced, it comes out of me naturally. I also have a muscular built because I work out everyday, and I think that people also respect that; when you have muscles because you work hard and eat properly... so I feel proud of the body I created and that gives me a self-confidence, something that comes only from you accepting who you are.
That was one of the most beautiful and well thought out conversations I have ever heard in my life. Thank you for your time and effort despite how hard it must be to articulate the complexity of the situation. It means a great deal to me that there are multiple perspectives even if some are at times against the overwhelming wave of opinions and continues to help me understand myself as well as concerns of available options. You seem absolutely amazing and I do wish you every luck in your journey; I hope you find the truth that will relieve that pain, not at all presuming that is at all a possibility.
This is great. As a genderqueer person, I still get dysphoria from certain aspects that I'm desperate to change, but I kind of know already that everything will never be 100% aligned. I think I'll end up on T eventually, because I can't handle some things (like my voice), but it's a struggle knowing that I'll never be at a point where everything fits.
Negative shit aside, thank you for this video. I think it's important for people to explore gender and explore who they are, no matter what other people tell them. And it's important for people to know that hormones and surgeries aren't what makes a person trans -- being trans is an identity, and other people have no full understanding of what a person is feeling to make them take on that identity. People deserve to explore and ignore the barriers people try to throw at them.
I want to thank you for making me feel a little less alone in the world.
I know it's been a couple of years, but I just wanted to say; Thank you for making this video. : )
You speak very well and I think the way you describe dysphoria is very well done. I think the maps is very fitting to describe what gender is
hey you,
I am now in my 5th month of hormonal therapy, I 'pass'(such a stupid word) fully right now and even before injections I passed most of the time.The thing is, that now I stopped fussing whether my haircut or clothing is 'passing material', I don't care anymore. I don't care not because of some particular changes(i didn't change a lot though) but because I am not afraid to be seen as trans anymore, I am more provocative and daring. Your point of view is quite gripping to me, because I stopped being fearful right after my first injection, which was kind of a ritual, an ending and a beginning at the same time.I know I'll start seeing a young MAN in the mirror soon and this knowing helps me to embrace my transsexuality. While before T I was very sharp and insecure even about the word 'trans'alone, I just wanted to be a man, no compromise.
I totaly agree that the vial and the needle will not make you, me or some other person who they truly are, but for me it's helping to reach the climax of my maleness. I don't feel that T is masking my path or even my own individual self, it's actually unveiling this path, the image I always had in my head, unvealing this severe and blessed voyage. And what about being invisible, yes, there is something of that nature in every ftms life (those who use hormones) when you start being 'just a guy' in the socieity. I don't believe there is such thing as 'just a guy' or 'just another girl', because every single random person you spot in a coffee shop, park, whatever could tell you at least one intriguing story from a personal journal. Our lives are happenning in our heads and I'll never feel just a guy, why would I care what my enviroment assumes?
Anyway, regarding trans stuff - I find FTMs sexy, both physically and intellectually, your speech and perspective is sexy as well and muchness wow lets love and respect more
Emilijus Sebastianas That story you just told me is beautiful. One intriguing story from each person's journal.
This was truly beautiful, you are a very strong person. Everyone should watch this video.
Caden Manchev Love to you, brother.
You are special and very strong, courageous, and authentic, not to mention sober minded and lucid. I will share your video.
S M Vieira When I first set out to make these videos, I prepared myself for possible backlash and cruelty (the Internet can be a cruel place). What I found instead was kindness, humility, a hunger for knowledge, appreciation for a different perspective. Thank you, for all of those things.
Why does transitioning have to be throwing away a large part of you? That's still your story that's still a part of you. Changing your body to match your brain (and passing as male)only changes the fact that your past isn't on your sleeve and you may have to have close deep connections with people before telling that story. Just my opinion to each there own good luck on your journey everyone's is different
in the vast majority of pre-contact indigenous tribes, transfolks were integrated as an essential reflection of the nature of Nature themselves (since the real world is one of multiple realities all intersecting at once). ive always hated the way the western world pathologizes transfolk based on this false binary gender dichotomy....you are here for a reason and the very existence of your trans reality is not only beautiful but gives me hope for the rest of the world :)
Yes, they are called "two spirit"...its such a beautiful term for the hybrid experience.
Okay, no. I'm tired of this bullshit. As a Native American, I am telling you that most tribes were sexist, homophobic, and transphobic; including my own. Stop idolizing "indigenous cultures" that you don't understand. They were just as horrible as the rest of the ancient world.
The "Two-Spirit" concept is a Neo-Native American culture aspect. Like dream catchers, they originated from a few tribes. The concept got slightly twisted to suit the needs of the majority who liked the basic idea.
(In this sense, it's sort of a consensual culture appropriation).
What you are saying is misinformation. Please stop that and check your facts.
Aubren Lewis hey I appreciate your input and you're totally right! I guess I appreciate the concept, as many others including other indigenous folks do. I am mixed blood too :)
Of Native American? What tribe?
I understood about two of those words...
You look very androgynous and beautiful, whether as a boy or as a girl!
Susanna agreed!
You are so awesome Jonah. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. Personally, I want to be invisible, to just be seen as a male. My close friends know, and that is enough for me. I do sometimes think I wish I could tell people I'm trans, but only when I perceive a woman sizing me up as a potential problem. I always want women to be comfortable around me, and I hate that the culture is such that many women don't feel safe around men. But all I can do is be a good guy. Thanks again for your video. You are so brave and such a strong person. :)
Teddy Theodore It does feel bad to be stealth and have women distrust you for the danger you pose as a man. Even if you're invisible as trans, being visible as a good guy will still change things for the better. Leading by example is admirable.
a lesson on self acceptance and love for every one, male, female, everybody in between.
i dont write comments, but this moved me. im a straight female. i dont know what im called right now, but people always called people like me straight. i never thought i'd be moved so much by a transgender story, but i was surprisingly able to relate to this with regards to self acceptance and love.
hormones, mutilation, adoration, attention, are not the key to self acceptance.
silent confidence, acceptance, self love is something only you can do within you.
being a woman or a man is beyond physical. its far beyond having a vagina or penis. its an essence. something which this person has finally understood.
I have waited a long time for this video.. And it did not disappoint ..you are truly one of the most intriguingly beautiful, intelligent, soft spoken individuals I have ever come across. Seriously!! I'm not a crazy creeper but my gosh your eyes and that mouth.. Wheeew you are like on an entirely different level than the masses.. You were right, you were born exactly the way you were supposed to be born... And I'm telling you now my dear, you are are destined for greatness..
Ashley Summers I can't tell you how encouraging and beautiful your words are. Thank you for that.
Happy to know I met your expectations, too ;)
Can't wait for video número tres lol you are utterly amazing ..
Thank you!!! This is a thing I have been thinking for now few years... Im also ftm and being on t for five years but I have always felt the same way to do also. I just have decided to stop t, the reasons are the same and its very great and cheering to find a person who thinks the same. I will start following you!! Really thank you. Your words are the words in my mind that never really came out
You're the first person I've seen who shares this view point with me. Thank you for sharing your story
You're right. Different IS ok. You are on the right track.You already are who you are, and know who you are. Nothing can change that. I'm a born female in every sense of the word, although I was always a bit of a tomboy, but I have always kind of resented the male and female division thing. It's like us and them. I feel that it is more important to be a member of the human race than a gender. I'm a person who just happens to be female, and that's ok, except for the period and cramps that I don't wish on anyone. I'm just me. Maybe I'm alone in thinking this way. Everybody is different. Thank you for this excellent video.
+Beverly Glover I'm with you on this, the strong binary divide drives me crazy if I think about it too hard. I was born female and have body dysphoria about having breasts that are large and presenting as female, but I'm not interested in being either of the extremes. Physically I'd rather be flat chested, muscular, but keep some female characteristics and ideally be androgynous, which would match my feelings of agender identification, but I don't really care that much to think about it.
And would I really? - because choosing androgyny could also mean being ostracised and being at risk of attack and invasive inappropriate questioning for no reason but not fitting in a strangers perceptual box.
Socialisation helped me get used to the rules, but I'm very uncomfortable and feel misgendered when they're overtly applied to me as a "female", and I think the rules for males could be worse, if Norah Roberts' work 'Self Made Man" is anything to go by. I resent the us and them divide too, the objectification from some men that can't relate to women so badly they can't even be freinds, like women aren't people. That's so weird, and I've met people I liked, smart, good people, only to find they stopped talking to me when sexual involvement wasn't an option! I look around and gender seems like a religion that causes more harm than good. I just don't get it.
Thank you for your courage and bravery, I respect your narrative so much. I understand where you're coming from. I was prominent in the social justice community on Tumblr. I had been where most females have been. My fear of men and getting raped again consumed me, it paralyzed me. It paralyzes me. I have heart palpitations just entering the male section of a clothing store. When men are around me, I can feel how small my body is. My blood pulses to the end of my veins and I become so very aware of how short that distance is. And once I came out as trans, as male, what was a respected narrative, a loud, well-spoken voice, was suddenly a person forcing themselves into a marginalized, discriminated community, a voice that was trying to speak over. I was hated. I was called trash and scum and told to die, that my very existence was displorable and disgusting. The hate was so bad that I deleted my account and took to the other extreme to find solice. I ran from a world of hating men to a world that exmbraced men and side-eyed these feminists. And while I've learned that my opinions, my thoughts, my preconceived notions were wrong, that not all menwere violent, still I was between to very different worlds. And it's so hard. It's so hard that the story my biology made me have is erased by three small words, "I am male". I struggle with it daily. Hearing all the crying for men to be equal, that men have pain too; I still have that instantaneous gut reaction to cry out that women have it worse. I can never unlive, unknow, retract, or reject my female experience. I can never retrograde on living the harsh reality that men's esteem is maybe not as important as women's safety.
And there will never be peace in that.
But as you said, it is unique. It is my purpose. I was made to speak.
Although nothing makes me more excited than shot day, and I find harmony in my shifting body, there will always be doubt.
And being on that line, I know I am but a few inches away from speaking your story as my own.
Thank you, friend.
You are not in this alone.
You are a beautiful human being.
Kristoffer S Do you perchance live anywhere near me? Because we need to have coffee.
You have shared yourself so openly with me. I cannot imagine how my video could spark such an amazing outpouring of truth and pain and love. But I am so grateful. Your narrative is similar to mine in many ways.
Whatever your narrative becomes, wherever it takes you, never stop speaking. Never stop speaking.
I'm autistic and nobody knew so I didn't get the help I needed. My parents just left me in my room. My mind consummed itself. All I had were my thoughts. To imagine my words are worth speaking, after so much silence, when I couldn't speak, is mind blowing.
Thank you kindly, sir n__n
Very moving, thoughtful introspection- I am an old straight white male whose work brings me close to folks in all stages of this process-I am trying to educate myself from the literature and from others' lived experience. Your elucidation of the irony of reinforcing the binary that you also reject was very well said and is something that has been gnawing at me but I had not articulated it so well. Also impressive how you can take so much meaning from your experience and share it without insisting it applies to everyone-this should be simple but hardly anyone can do it. thanks
This is amazing and clear and I think gender is at the heart of a dynamic that is destroying the planet. I see folks like you as being the hope of the planet and I mean that quite literally. Thank you for bieng so brave, so clear, so articulate.
Alfred Adler understood that our belief that male traits are superior to female has created the downfall of our society.
Most videos I've watched of post-transition individuals seem to have expected more and still have unresolved gender dysphoria. I wonder if the problem is closer to body dysmorphia and is caused by social pressures to conform to gender norms. I worry that treating transexuals by creating a false biology is not the best way to help. Anyways, very insightful video, I hope you continue learning!
This is beautiful! My partner is going through the same thing right now and I have been trying to watch more videos to be more supportive of him. Thank you for speaking your truth! You are opening the door for a lot more trans men to be at peace with themselves. Good luck on the rest of your journey! Love & Light!
What your saying is so beautiful and interesting. It's so self accepting. So beautiful.
Heart touching video and thoughtful comments. I need a moment to take in how much this moved me.
I am a genderfluid, assigned male a birth. I change almost every day often twice or more in a day.
When I wake up it helps to ask myself who I am at the moment so that I can better dress and prepare for the day.
I more frequently find myself as female or nonbinary then male but for the sake of family and some relations(both of which I am working on improving) I present as male regardless of the rarity of actually fitting that roll.
I find the message of this video to be vary powerful and it is amazing to me how much he(hoping that is correct) stood up for his humanity.
This idea that you have to look or be a specific way is absurd. I am proud he could show himself and pass but hod onto his being well enough to say who he is and was and will be, that even if his appearance and voice are different, he should be allowed a life to discover what this body image is and how to best express it.
It shows me that though hormones, surgery, voice training, magic, or anything else must be done for yourself and not for others. Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that.
It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand.
As a genderfluid I do sometimes feel male, but people don't see who I am at any given moment and regardless of what gender I feel like the things I like to do and dislike to do are still fairly the same.
I should not be expected to like power rangers, think flowers are silly, to desire to wrestle, or build, just based on how I was born.
I would like to be a female, to live and reproduce as one, but it is true, I am not one. I probably will not achieve such a body switch. But even if I did it would be for me, it would be because I want to choose that lifestyle. Given that ideal I would still be genderfluid, I would still feel male sometimes, and that is okay.
It should be seen as okay. It should be okay to say "I am a woman, and I choose a male lifestyle." or "I am a woman who was told to be male, choosing a female lifestyle" or even "I was told I have to be a gender but I choose to live without."
It is huge and validating to hear someone say that they have transitioned and though they are their expressed gender, they are still transgender and that is part of their identity.
I would like to say that I am proud to be genderfluid, I wish for people to soon see me as female but I am proud to also be transgender. Proud to take this choice for myself, and go.
Thanks for this video and thanks to all who took the time to read this long comment.
+JareMicah Schmidt "Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that.
It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand."
So poignant.
+BlunedFSharps Thank you.
I'm a cis straight woman and watching this video I find you extremely attractive. The masculinity of you. Your spirit. I just want to give you a hug. You are a man and you are so beautiful inside and out.
wow... ur so inteligent, i just want to give u hug
I'm so irritated by this vid, which probably means you spoke a truth to me. Peace
You are very articulate and clearly have put a great deal of thought into all of this. Thank you for speaking - especially with regards to detransition in the context of body dysphoria. Being told transition "wasn't right for you" like I've been told (and I can probably guess you've been told as well) just seems to minimize the dysphoria aspect. Alternatives to transition are kind of a taboo topic in most trans circles I've encountered, compared erroneously with conversion therapy. But that's what you are doing, it seems - finding an alternative to transition in dealing with dysphoria.
Good luck, and you are brave for speaking out. There aren't any resources for detransitioners, so videos like yours represent what exists of the support structure.
+MiriamAfloat You're right-being told that "transition just wasn't right for me" is incredibly invalidating of the point I was trying to make. In fact, if you google my name, the very first result is an article in which I was misquoted as saying "it just wasn't right for me." So many people seem to be missing the message. I also believe applying the word "detransitioning" to everyone who's decided to quit T is grossly overgeneralizing and oversimplifying. I haven't detransitioned. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Hey! I really like your video and I agree with you. In first place your are a HUMAN. Unfortunatelly in our society gender is binary, there is just such as "female" and "male and they expect you to identify with it. If you aren't able to do this, you can't really choose something in between, people don't get it, you have to fit in a category.
I have never heard about cis-genderism before. Thank you for bringing up and explaining it. I am not transgender, but watching this and thinking about cis-genderism I asked myself if was cis. Thinking about it leaves me with the conclusion that, there are definitly things i like about beeing a woman, and I am lucky tu be one. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind beeing a boy, i often asked myself how i would have looked like, if i had been sexy as man, if i had succes.
Also I vary very much my clothing and my perception.
I like to dress in a very androgenous way (tomboyisch), i used to wear binders when i was 15 and i shaved my head. Then, when i was 17 i started to discover make up and be more on the feminine side. I fell in love with a guy and i felt like i was "fitting in" as a girl and that everything was allright.
As my realtionship ended i discovered some gay tendecies. I admit that, not being chased guys and not chasing them that much, i feel less pressured to "fit in" as a woman. So i still have a very tomboyish side, but also a feminine one. Also i would not identify as hetero, homo or gay. Gay would mean to me, that i do not consider men at all, which is not true, because i fell in love with one in the past. Hetero wouldn't apply neither because it excludes my girls crushes, and "bi" would be too "binary (i could maybe fall for a trans). Futhermore, i don't have much of a phisical sexual desire, compared to other people my age, so there would be also a "asexual" aspect.
I do not believe in black or white, at least it does not apply for me. It makes a lot easier, but thats not fully me. I wish to meet a person, who will be ready to get to know all aspects of me, even if they seem contradictory. For others this might sound really confusing but in my mind it is really clear. I perfectly know who I am.
I am a spectrum of many aspects and you can't reduce me in a category.
That last line rang so true. Thank you for that.
So much insight in this video.
This is how I see it: Believing you are something that you are not, or wanting to be something that you can never be - is painful. And I don't believe anyone wants to live in pain. I can't truly speak for any other person on this planet, as I am not experiencing anyone's life but my own, but dear transsexuals. I believe you are confused. There is a difference between the spiritual and the biological world. And to me it looks like you're caught in between. In the biological world you will always be the sex you were born with. It can never be changed. Not even with surgery or hormones. In the spiritual world there are no boundaries. No sexes. And your experience as a transsexual can only be spiritual. No scientific research has ultimately proven the condition to be biological. Therefore the narrative "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa is a delusion. You can't be something you physically are not. It's just thoughts. You can identify with the opposite sex, but why would you identify with something you can never be? Stop fighting with reality and the things you can't change. Instead of looking to the physical/biological aspect you should look to the spiritual. Spiritually no one is male or female. You are just consciousness. Physically/biologically you will always be either male or female (or intersex in rare cases) no matter how much you resist. If you learn to accept the truth of your human condition I think you will be happier. If you are a feminine male you can transition into physical femininity, and call yourself a woman, because that is just a social construct anyway, but never believe that you are female, 'cause that is delusional. The same goes for female-assigned transsexuals. The moment you start fighting with the physical reality you are bound to be unhappy.
MammalucaArt The only reason I'm not deleting this comment (as it has nothing to do with my video, and is likely copied/pasted on several other videos) is that my viewers have a right to think for themselves and hear everyone's opinions on the subject. And you definitely buffered your opinion with phrases like "I believe" and "to me," so thank you. But let me tell you this: recognizing your genderless spirit can never make you comfortable inside of your gendered body. If you are comfortable inside of yours, congratulations. If you were previously uncomfortable, but have found a way to deal with it, congratulations. For many, the only "truth of their human condition" is the fact that there is a problem and no ideal way to fix it. You cannot tell them their discomfort is a delusion. Our human experience is the only tangible thing we have, and God forbid we spend 60 years in discomfort because somebody told us that looking for a solution would ultimately be more painful.
BluntedFSharps You can look for a solution all you want. I just don't think you will find the answer as long as you look for it in the physical world, or try to change your body, instead of examining your mind. From watching your video I thought you felt somewhat the same?
I am male-bodied and have always struggled with accepting this. I could have easily fallen into the classic transsexual narrative of "I am a girl trapped in a boy's body", but I realized at a very young age, that a sex change would never truly make me happy, because I could never be the other sex anyway. I asked myself "why am I so ashamed of being a boy with a penis and short hair in the first place?" and I realized that it was because of the associations these physical traits have in this world, and my social conditioning had implemented in my consciousness that because I was feminine I could only be a girl, and girls don't have penises or short hair. Gender is like language. We learn it almost automatically as infants from social conditioning. Why do people think their mind/soul/consciousness is gendered or sexed? I believe it's because of social conditioning. As soon as we develop our consciousness we learn that femininity belongs to females and masculinity belongs to males. It makes us limited in our understanding of ourselves. Therefore I think it's important to look beyond one's own logic, and that's what I did. Today I am still a product of society, as we all are, but at least I try to examine the logic behind my thoughts, which I think a lot of people don't care to do. I have come to the temporary conclusion that I am a male who predominantly embodies characteristics that our society attaches to females. Just because society has set these rules, it's not gonna brainwash me into thinking that my body should have been female, and make me come up with elaborate theories why my brain is that of a female. All these studies are themselves a product of a social conditioning/social constructs. There is no god-given answer to what it means to be a man or a woman, and why should it even matter?. We are all so caught up in our language and social constructs, it's not just transsexuals, they are just the symptom of a bigger confusion in society.
Bottom line is. Every human (including transsexuals) should keep questioning who they are throughout life, and understand that most likely everything you think you are, is something that has been tought to you. Most likely you will never know the truth of who you really are.
MammalucaArt I created this channel to explore all the things you just mentioned, and bring to light all the issues you mentioned. Many people don't stop to think about them. I strongly agree with a lot of your points about socialization, and believe our conditioning is so ingrained that it's nearly impossible to go back and pick through it all. But one thing I have to strongly protest is your calling the brain-body mismatch a "brainwashing."
As a 4-year-old, I didn't have the capacity for "elaborate theories," or any conscious knowledge of gender expectations. I had no shame for being female. No idea how a "male" acted, really, or why I'd want to act like that, or act like anything, really. I acted how my friends acted-boys and girls. I enjoyed the toys I was given. Didn't really care what my parents forced me to wear (that came in middle school, once I did have knowledge of social expectations, and did feel shame). And yet I felt an overwhelming incongruence between my body and my mental recognition of my body parts. Your theory cannot fully explain my experience. I can learn from it, sure-and other trans people may see themselves in it. But please don't generalize. Your experience is not representative of the whole.
BluntedFSharps "Your experience is not representative of the whole."
Absolutely not! I can only fully understand what I already know. And I have never known the feeling you describe of incongruence between the body and the mental recognition of body parts. Though your experience seems inherent to me, I also think that mental recognition is spiritual and cannot be blamed on biology. Therefore I can still only see transsexuality/gender dysphoria as a spiritual condition, not a biological one.
The reason behind my tantrum (sorry) is this war on "true transsexualism/transgenderism". These "true transsexuals" try to rationalize their condition with a biological explanation, but I just don't buy it. For me mental recognition/perception, thoughts, feelings and identification are pure consciousness and has nothing to do with hormones, chromosomes or anything biological in general. It will always be consciousness that tells you what you are. You can never be a victim of biology. You can only be a victim of your own thoughts. Most human suffering stems from thoughts, and most transsexuals (and people in general) are just completely blinded by their own thoughts and narratives, and have built their entire indentity on them. Of course they're gonna think I'm an idiot for saying this..
I consider myself a spiritual person. That's why I don't believe our consciousness can be explained fully from a biological point of view. It's not your body that is wrong. It's your thoughts about it. To be completely honest with you - I don't think there is anything wrong with reality. Our minds create the problems. And most people on this planet, including myself, are caught up in our minds most of the time. For me it's about stepping out of this illusion, and learning not to identify with my thoughts - no matter how inherent they may seem. We live in a post-modern western society. We no longer have to identify with our thoughts or our biology to survive. Thanks for reading!
MammalucaArt Thanks for your thoughts. While I don't agree with all of them, I do recognize your intellect, and hope that you too never stop exploring these issues.
Wonderful video, and in parts quite poetic. For someone like me, who has wondered for such a long time whether I'm fooling myself one half of the time or the other, constantly shifting in how I feel and what I want, it's nice to see someone who isn't unsure, but who pretty much upholds the inbetween as something worthy in itself.
viewhue I am indeed sure that being unsure is freeing. I've always found that the most intelligent people are starkly aware of how much they have left to learn. Humbling ourselves to the in-between, to the open doors, to the uncertain future is a worthy life goal, I feel.
BluntedFSharps I don't even remember what I was looking for when I opened youtube this evening, but your video was just right there, so of course I had to watch it. I watched and couldn't help feeling that you were speaking my story (putting into words what I have not quite found the words to express.. and I definitely related to everything you said). It was INSANE how much your words resonated with me.
I do realize that we are two very different people.. and it's wonderful!
It is SO beautiful that you exist.. that I exist..
hell, even that youtube exists.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a very important thing by telling your story. It's actually incredibly inspiring.. and although I spend a lot of time telling myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say, witnessing your bravery has absolutely effected me. It has made me think. It has made me want to act.. be heard.. be visible.
Thank you SO VERY MUCH!
honestly, i have NO idea who you are, but I have such a pure love and respect for you.
It's like, "damn.." Thank you!
If you're in L.A. let's fucking talk. haha.
RESPECTTTTT!!! :-)
also, I shared the mess outta this video.
Ash Cardona I am speechless by the love you just gave me, a stranger. The respect is purely mine. You should know that you've affected me, too.
Penciling you in for coffee if I ever visit the west coast...
Everyone must choose their own path. Good for you in finding yours.
That's beautiful. A beautiful message to anyone experiencing body dysphoria.
Jonah, I know it has been over a year since you posted this video, but thank you so much for posting it. In a world full of people hating themselves and taking drastic measures to change what they were born with, you are the brave individual who was just honest. You are a very eloquent speaker and I can tell you are an intellectual. You truly could write a book about this subject with substance. I respect people like you.
Dude that was deep. Great video. I'm mtf and I used to feel totally pressured to get the big surgery. Luckily I realized that I'm fine with being a hybrid before I wasted $20k. Fuck what people think.
There's no separating me from my estrogen though lol I love that shit
I wish this video was everywhere, because it's exactly what I had to learn myself.
This makes a lot of sense and I have definitely had these thoughts myself. What comes up for me is that I am not just tansgender (FTM) but I am also attracted to straight women. I have never had any real serious relationships because they in the end, were attracted to men. So to look male, even though I know I myself will always have female parts as well, but to look male is so my partner can see the being that I see myself as. Changing my outward appearance to look male will never deny my feminine side. We are all made up of masculine and feminine. So the way I see it is I can change my physical appearance to be male and finally attract the woman into my life who is attracted to me physically. But again this does not erase my femininity. But we all have our different perspectives and are meant to experience things for different reasons which is beautiful and perfect. So thank you for sharing.
Finding acceptance of yourself is such a great thing. I think it's wonderful that you've found a path to your real self and that's all you can really ask for in life. Good luck on your path!
I'm 58, and my youngest daughter (of six kids) has been in lesbian relationships for the last six years, since her senior year in high school. I'm so glad I got over my fundamentalist beliefs against homosexuality in time to be completely supportive of her choices and inclinations; and when she joined an LGBTQ group at college, there was something a little different in her experience than most of the people she met there--she had never experienced prejudice or harrassment from family or friends for who she was. She and her girlfriend were actually celebrated in their newfound relationship by their instructors and peers in a small town alternative charter school. I'm proud of her as I am proud of all my children. I find all the sex and gender identity exploration going on these days fascinating, and see it as a reflection of a transition happening in the world at large, from duality to multidimentionality in many areas of life. No more either/or. Now it is both/and then some.
Roberta Riley Your support for your daughter truly moves me. We need more of you in the world.
BluntedFSharps I have personally been thrilled to be female all my life, and never wanted to be male, not the least of the reasons being that I loved having babies and being a mother. However, being in the "right" body didn't prevent me from having huge issues and struggles with self hatred and rejection, which have made it possible for me to feel great sympathy and compassion for those who feel they are in the "wrong" body. "Who am I?" is the great question. I agree with you. There is a reason why we go through what we go through. We may not know what the reason is, but I believe we can find it out, though it take a whole lifetime, or many lifetimes.
Roberta Riley I second the motion for more of you. Please clone yourself a few times over. ;)
But seriously, it never fails to touch me deeply when I hear from people like you, who overcome their beliefs in order to fully support and love their children. Your daughter is very lucky, and the world is richer for one more open and loving human soul.
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking your truth! I know living authentically tends to mean taking a lot of hits, and many hit a lot harder because you're more vulnerable. But your courage and your true self are seriously radiating out of you in this video. I haven't seen your other videos, so I don't know what you have looked like or what you would look like if you could be reborn in the vessel that matches your inner map, but when I look at you I see a person who I would love to know, would be proud to call a friend, and can learn a lot from. I hope that as you explore all of the joys, limitations, revelations, triumphs, and sorrows of being hybrid, you find inner peace, freedom from static, and community with those who are able to see the authentic you. All the best to you!
insightarevolution You are quite articulate. And quite beautiful. I would be proud to call you a friend.
Jonah - It is truly a pleasure to listen to your truth. What you so eloquently explain is what I've been writing about (in my personal journal) for several years now. There has always been a part of me that although embraces that I am transgender, I cannot deny the beauty of my entire experience in this life time. To not accept my ALL would be to deny the beautiful being that I came here to experience. I respect that every journey is different, but I've come to understand that straddling the masculine and feminine personality/qualities ...is what makes ME whole!! We are so much more and beyond the experiences on this plane ...and dear friend, I am so grateful for you, that you exist and that you are sharing your experience. Much love to you Jonah!
You astonish and inspire me. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey- it has impacted me in ways i can barely explain. So, I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite quotes "You need only claim the event of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality." -Florida Scott-Maxwell
You are right, I was born the way I was for a reason... That reason I am learning more and more each day/week and what not. You literally just stopped me. I was very confused, but I wanted to. I now completely feel and know that I should just be who I am. I can't be a man, I thought of this as well... You video made me cry, I'm crying as I'm typing as well... Thanks for the eye opener.
your eyes are so captivating.....
You speak very poetically and have a wonderful voice. As someone who's been questioning their assigned gender for a while, this was really enlightening and reassuring. I love the amount of thought put into this and am eager to watch more in the future! Thank you :)
"I am inside of a female vessel, and no matter how I shape it, no matter how I inject, no matter how I cut it, that's not going to change."
Hearing you say this just absolutely broke my heart. stay strong
It is actually possible for cis-gender people to have body dysphoria, although I don't know if you would call it that.
I am a cis-woman, but for some reason (genetic or hormonal I don't know), I never grew breasts. I don't mean they're small, but they actually didn't develop. I have never asked a doctor about it because of embarrassment, and also because there are limits to what the NHS will do if it's not causing me physical harm, but it does give me what I would call body dysmorphia.
Lol yes
+Katie (DoofusKat) id be happy to
Yeah I wish
You should go to the doctor!! If it's a hormonal disorder you may have other things wrong with you that could be serious. Take care of yourself!
The same thing happened to me due to a bad eating disorder at an early age. I have no female breast tissue. I understand how you feel.
As a lesbian feminist who has always been a trans ally, but appalled by the current iteration of transactivism that considers me a bigot, this is the first time I've ever experienced the term "cis" used neutrally.
I can't even begin to tell you what it was like to listen to your story. Your self-respect is at the heart of your respect for everyone else. That's what is so heartbreakingly absent from the angry frightened voices I hear on both "sides" : huge distorted unilateral descriptions of who and what each Other "They" are or are not, know or don't know...
In the admittedly small number of online forums I've witnessed or been part of, only a tiny number of transwimmin have been able or willing to contradict the hate spoken in their name. Many wimmin identifying as lesbian feminist casually or angrily dismiss transwimmin as men - and they are complemented by transactivists who condemn any "cis wimmin" who think their shared material experience and all that comes it is a natural foundation for connecting and making meaning in a separatist space.
Feminism saved my life - it gave me back my intelligence and reason. It was my gateway understanding of oppression that revealed the dynamics common to all oppression, and the varied paths to liberation. No matter how peacefully or violently freedom is pursued, it always begins with people making meaning of their lives, developing a language of identity and self-respect, by themselves: separate from any voices but their own. It is arduous wonderful work, full of shared pain, healing laughter, furious refinements of identity and purpose, and always celebration.
Literacy is the ability to make meaning by talking, listening, reading, & writing. For a study, I decided to look at homophobia in schools as a literacy issue. The greatest tool each of us brings to learning is our own experience: what we already know because of who we are. The talking, listening, reading and writing in a classroom- the literacy achieved - is driven by what each student brings into that classroom- what each hears, what each chooses to say or not say.
So, I was able to say to school faculties eventually and with irrefutable statistics, this isn't about your moral opinion of sexual identities, it's about whether you as a teacher are equally committed to the ability of Every student in your classroom to learn.
Well and good, but the most exciting thing I discovered was the history and role of Gay Straight Alliances. As sexual minorities became more visible in language and culture in the 1990's, more young people recognized themselves and became more discernible to other school students. Schools - not courts or dark alleys - became the true battlefield - with actual dead and uncountable wounded. Some students began to do for themselves and each other what the administrations refused to do: support & educate.
GSAs were a literacy movement. Students got together, talked & listened, shared and refined information : they made meaning. And with the courage that comes from solidarity, and desperate pride of rebels with a cause, they started dispensing good information, one conversational contradiction, one poster at a time : a children's crusade.
Good information - the truth about the unknown or feared or despised - is the most powerful force for change. Every struggle for liberation/civil rights has been a literacy campaign. And yes, knowing the horrific history, and naming the enduring hatred, is important, but "what we are *for* is so much more powerful than what we are against." This is how I challenge the haters on any side of any conflict, but especially the transactivists trashing lesbian feminists : trust your truth to speak for itself.
And to the alleged feminists spewing back I quote feminism's golden rule of consequence and making change: how you do it is what you get. Feminism is the antithesis of both zero-sum thinking and ends-justify-means behavior.
I know this is long - it is all I can offer in gratitude for your eloquent clarity in sharing the meaning you have made of your life, are making. I told some parts of my journey toward clarity and compassion because you gave me directions in my own language. Trusting what I am for and letting that illuminate what I don't understand is pretty reliable as far as it goes. Your description of how you came to be for yourself is the story I needed, the good information that makes emotional literacy possible and empowering. Thank you again and again.
judith angelo If women are wimmin, are men min?
no - men are boys.
When you said you "missed yourself" it made me think about how I don't "miss myself" at all as the person I "was" before. This video just helps assure that transition is 100% a personal experience. No two people transition the same or have the same feelings, before, during, or after. Trans people have an incredibly hard journey through this life.
Huge respect to you! Embracing the Grey of anything is challenging. You're awesome, & it's great that you're sticking to your Truth, & being honest that the details of that Truth can be as surprising to you as they are to the rest of the world. All the best with your journey!!
I am genderqueer and I identify with a lot of what you're saying. I have considered taking T because I identify more with masculinity, but I do not identify with maleness. Taking T would only move me closer to being in the binary which I do not want. I do not want to be read as a man or a woman. Or a masculine woman or feminine man. I am just a multifaceted person whose bodily configuration does not necessarily match my brain. I would love top surgery though.
You speak so eloquently. I really felt for you while watching this. I hope all is well and you are happy. :)
Wow, I've never related to someone so much, even if I don't feel exactly like you, what you said feels exactly like what I feel. Thank you so much for making this video. I am who I am already
This is exactly what I think. I loved everything of this video, because it was like talking with myself. These are the exact reasons why I'll never ever go on T, I'll never ever spoke the truth about myself to my parents and family, and I'll never ever consider about surgery and things like that.
Thank you very much, and I hope your days will always be bright and full of happiness.
Female or male, you are an amazing human, and that's what really matters.
Stay strong. ❤️
You are so articulate and brilliant. Your soul is beautiful. You will do great things with your life. Stay strong, you are not alone.
I am genderfluid and sometimes feel like a woman that I was born as but sometimes I feel as a man. I wish there was a way that when I feel like a man I could be in a man's body. This is the body I was born in and that ok when I feel like a woman but then there is my man side that wishes to be in another body. It's a constant struggle with myself. If I could some how change to a different gender whenever I felt like I'd be happier with myself. I am conflicted of changing to a man, fearing that I will change my personal being. I'm not sure what I want as a physical form right now but I'm doing the best I can with what I have
batjoker12 thats pretty much the same problem i'm having. i feel like i have to choose to be one part of myself or the other instead of somehow being both at the same time.
it is confusing but we all have each other right?
batjoker12 I'm gender fluid as well - Biologically, I am female, and sometimes I am content with that. But a lot of the time I lean towards feeling very male.
But I think the majority of the time, I land somewhere in between (but I still experience fluidity, hence why I identify as genderfluid).
I believe the best option for me, personally, is to pursue testosterone..But never "fully" transition (does that make sense?). I love having shoulder length hair, and I love wearing makeup. But I want a deeper voice, and a more masculine figure.
I don't ever plan on having top surgery, but just binding instead. It's kind of difficult to explain; But I just wanted you to know that it's really just a matter of think through what you feel may be best for you.
You don't have to fully transition, or transition at all. And if you we're to ever go through the testosterone route, you don't have to stay on it for very long, or even permanently (much like the person who made this video).
Being genderfluid is difficult and tricky; I think it's really a balancing act, and I certainly intend on finding a nice balance between male and female, to hopefully minimize dysphoria on "male" and "female" days.
Shalee Michelle I think it'd be pretty crazy to go on T if you're not serious about going all the way. Why would you want the voice of a teenage boy like the uploader and have to shave for the rest of your life? That would suck on days you feel like a woman.
Paul Mattoon Do you not understand the definition of being genderfluid, or? I experience a range of fluidity. It's different for everyone; I am somewhere in the middle of female and male for the large majority of the time.
I think it'd be worth it; I can't ever feel masc on masc days or in between days if I'm always 100% female. Binding, wearing "masculine" clothing, and packing only go so far.
Hair isn't a problem in the slightest, as I wax regularly anyway. But the muscle distribution, thickened jawline and more masc features, as well as a deeper voice are the things I feel would allow me to settle somewhere in the middle.
I feel as though it would allow me to lessen the immense amount of gender dysphoria I feel, as well as make my masc days much more bearable.
I don't intent to fully transition, because I am not male, nor female. I feel differing levels of gender. Some days I feel totally male, or female, and I use either he/him or she/her pronouns accordingly on those days. On my masc days, I also go by a different name from that of my birth, and dress masc.
Are you following? I'm gender fluid; Not solely just one of the binary genders, which is why transitioning fully to the opposite sex would be just as bad as not transitioning at all..Because I'd be in the same position I currently am; One gender, and struggling to relate to the other gender I feel.
How could anybody not like this? He's honest and real.
That was such a beautiful sharing from the heart. Such a deep dive into what is beneath the surface and what truly matters. Thank you. I wish you could have seen me smiling back at you as you were talking, because I could feel the love. That means you're finding out what it means to love yourself, and that is what every decision is really about.
Seriously, I relate to this to the fullest degree possible.
Like you said you can't forget about your past as a female and that's why it's important for transgender people to create continuity with the past after transitioning because the more you hide the more you're going to be haunted. Stopping transition to avoid confronting the past is not an answer. I hope you're getting therapy because that helps. If you stopped transitioning that's probably because you are content with the changes that already occurred (the voice for example), but if you're not I suspect things aren't going to get better.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a lot of dysphoria, but I feel, as you describe here, like medical measures aren't going to change the feeling that I have different maps, and I'd just be hiding in a different way. I haven't found this perspective before among trans* youtubers, and it it speaks to me so, so much. So thank you. I feel less alone now.
Your depth of self awareness and courage is profound. I'm so grateful I found your channel.
I like this a lot because you aren't a transgender person striving to be cisgender. The fact that a transgender person's "success" is measured by how cisgender they look is one reason why our society is fucked up. I do want to say that gender is a social construct, and the way one identifies with gender is based completely upon their individual culture and experiences. No one is born with a male or female or transgender brain. Our notion of gender and their respective roles is completely imagined. So keep being the one that doesn't fit the gender binary, we have to push these boundaries until they break.
This is a LIE, and here's why: m.ruclips.net/video/10KbyHzlv3Q/видео.html
I think this could be the truth for some, and other may disagree. I feel whatever your truth is, whatever makes you happy, live it. Also, IMHO, how one experienced life and judgement and fitting in and all those questions of the early 20's thankfully change later in life. Things become a lot clearer and simpler, hopefully. Thanks for the insight! :)
This is literally the best speech I've ever heard it helped me so much and I just want to cry now thank you for making this so much
Transition means something different for everyone. For you, it is just masking the pain. But for me? It's just evolving, becoming what I've always firmly believed I am, finally seeing who I've hoped to see in the mirror all my life. As far as I am aware, as far as my family is aware and anyone else, I had a twin sister. And she died. My mother was told by psychics that she would have 2 daughters and 1 son. But the son would not be strong. And we now know that it's because I, her son, was going to live this difficult life. So I lost my sister, and my sister lost her sister. But her, and my family, wouldn't wish me away to bring her back. Because we are two separate people, despite having shared the same vessel for a time. Transition will enable me to finally become who I've always been. And this 'history' you're on about, it isn't my history. It's just my twin sister's life. I'm glad you've found or are finding harmony with acceptance and your history is something you're proud of and are accepting of. But do not assume this of everybody and don't try to encourage this in everybody. Because we're all different, we all have individual experiences.
When you dont have a dick but you feel like you have an erection (?) Like literal. I'm so serious. Is this almost what you mean. Cause I swear everytime I read porn I feel my no dick rise. I kid you not knowing that I will never get a blow job upsets me.
Hans Bjorgman ya missed the point
Hans Bjorgman internal screaming of nos
:')
The Fandom Dork Oral. I meant oral. Blow job = oral. Oral = blow job.
Oral is disgusting anyway, though. I don't know why anyone would *want* to put their mouth there. Sure, to please their partner, but to actually *enjoy* giving it? No. The only one enjoying it is the one getting it. I would never want to degrade anyone like that.
Omggggg yes
+Hans Bjorgman giving is the best
This video is so powerful and I think every ftm should see it
Asher Priscott yes I agree,very interesting ,respect
That was the most eloquent explanation I have ever heard concerning transgender transition. I am a bigender female, and this video made perfect sense to me. Thank you so much for your courage and insight. I have subscribed and saved this clip so that I can help educate others who struggle, like me, to understand themselves. If it is possible, I would be honored if you would allow me to ask more questions. Thanks, again for your honesty.
This is indescribably beautiful, thanks for sharing.
The depth of your self-understanding is something we should all strive for.
God I love your videos. I'm glad I came across you. Very eloquent, very intelligent. And those eyes though.
Maybe you're androgynous? (but dominantly male.) I think those types of people are beautiful. :) You pass as male, but there's a feminine quality about you that sorta balances everything out and makes you gorgeous. I hope none of that offends you. I just honestly think you're perfect the way you are. ^_^
I honor you for your sensitive, thoughtful and honest sharing of your experience. You express yourself very effectively and in a way that moved me. I am currently the weekend coordinator for a GBTQ ManKind Project weekend in the Carolinas in August and will recommend this to other staff. My hope (and MKP's goal) is that our weekend will help men step into leadership in their lives and their communities around transgender and other issues. You model this for us. Thank you!
I'm FTM but haven't undergone any surgery. I want to, but then again, I'm afraid of not being satisfied with myself afterwards or regreting my decision. I tried putting my thoughts and feelings into words but nothing felt right, no word I chose seemed to fathom the feeling. This video is everything I've wanted to say for so long. I want to pass, but I don't want to miss my biological body. I don't have any trans friends but most of them are confident in their bodies so it's a hard subject to explain to them. I'm so glad I found this video. I really felt like I was the only trans kid who felt like this. I agree with 100% of this video. Thank you for making it.
Be who you are, and be at peace with that. Strive to be better as a person, not different.
Also: being a man isn't all that it's cracked up to be. isn't it?
Thanks for your comment +Rembo. Regarding your first line, that's why I went off testosterone.
Regarding the second line, you're absolutely right. I found that being a man in our society-in most societies, I imagine-comes with enormous responsibility, but also enormous privilege. Being a woman, however, comes with enormous responsibility and very little privilege. I prefer male responsibility to female responsibility, as I'm not really good at expected female tasks, but the male privilege was unearned and awkward. I didn't want it. Not like that. Not by injecting it into my thigh once a week.
I am FTM and i am pre-everything. Thank you for this video. I feel very confused and lost because i am not sure if i want to start T or not. It would definitely make me "a man with no history" just like you said. But this is not THAT important to me.
The most important thing is that i will never be a cis-male no matter how hard i try. It's just medically impossible. And i don't want to have the bottom surgery because it's not advanced enough and it can produce some pathetic results that i won't be happy with.
Yes, i can cut off my breasts and i can start T but where does it leave me? Basically, this will make me a walking lie. Because even though i will look like a guy i will also know the harsh truth. This will also make me feel disabled because there will be nothing in my pants. This makes me sad to even think about it. I am really really confused because i do feel like a man on the inside but my options are so limited and i feel like i will never be able to make my body match my brain. :( It's really depressing. :( I do have body dysphoria and i absolutely HATE my breasts so i am 100% sure i want to have the top surgery. But i am not sure about T... It's a very difficult decision. OMG, i really wish i never had to make decisions like this.
Anyway, if you feel like talking to me you can always PM me, i would be happy to talk to you.
do more research before you make your decision. I've seen alot of photos of breast removal and it isn't pretty. Also maybe try seeing a therapist with experience with body dysphoria. I believe the biggest problem is we don't know how to love ourselves. I am not trans but have had body dysphoria my whole life. It often keeps me from having any kind of social life for fear of being judged (and the biggest judge is me) . We live in a society that is constantly telling us what is attractive or beautiful and that if we aren't happy we can just have surgery but the problem with that is , if we don't know how to love ourselves the way we are, then after surgery, we still won't. love and blessings to you no matter what you choose to do
@Kakashi Hatake This: "I feel like I can never be a "real" guy. I feel like I will just be a female who has mutilated her body" is EXACTLY how i feel. And this is one of the main reasons why i think i will never start testosterone. Because it will NOT magically turn me into a "real" man. I will always feel there is something wrong with my body. Testosterone and surgeries are unable to solve this problem. Btw, i live in a country where we don't have gender clinics and nobody can prescribe T. Some FTMs get it online anyway and take it without any supervision from doctors! This is really dangerous! I will never do this, it's not for me. Don't get me wrong, if there was a pill that could turn me into a "real" guy i would take it right here right now without thinking twice. Unfortunately, this is impossible. Btw, if you want to talk more, you can always send me a PM. That would be great.
Thank you for sharing your "story of both-ness"! It's so needed in the world. Love and hugs.
Riding with you on the exhausting hybrid/mutant train my love. It's a lifelong journey and one we can share only through stories and empathy. I feel kind of like we are all in this pack, lone wolves, yet interdependant. Our stories bind us, help to weave more stories, hold this web together. I'm glad to have been able to hold your words, thank you for sharing them. Much love from Casper. Looking forward to more thoughts captured on video xxx