Don't wait. Care for yourself. I've been through this. It was liberating letting go of her. I left her after she pushed away, came back, and pushed away again. Too cowardly to just cut it off herself. I have been no contact for 6 weeks. I have no desire to see her, talk to her, nothing. Because I found my self respect and let me tell you that blows away the fireworks I had with her. YMMV but really really consider if it's worth the continuous pain and struggle you will face with them.
This man has been to hell like the rest of us. Big respect for educating and healing other wounded souls. It's difficult to survive this type of emotional decimation.
Yes. I don’t want to accept it. It’s not that we didn’t have something good, but it needed to be so much more for how long we were together. She said she was gonna go to therapy, so if she does come back, that’s gonna be dealbreaker if hasn’t done that.
Totally true ! The difficult part though is, that they also showed in their behavior they are capable of loving very deeply, making you feel, even convinced you truly met your soulmate. And once experienced that, it’s very hard to let go of that feeling. I saw the following statement somewhere else: “See the difference between how you feel about someone (the potential) and how they make you feel (their behavior)”. So the main take away is: look at the total picture of behavioral patterns.
I agree w/ you. I know you’re aware that DA’s are watching and you don’t want to discourage them from getting help. But sometimes I believe you want to say to the people who have been discarded You tried It’s not your fault and you dodged a bullet. You will find someone else Do not get back on the hamster wheel with this person. Run!
I feel like emotionally available people willing to do the hard work are in minority. And those that are, are mostly in relationships already. Dating world nowadays is a wild, emotionally unhealthy jungle.
Ugh I did this forn6 years. And, truthfully, if he actually changed, I would have 30 seconds of second thoughts. But my eyes have been blasted open and my ears irrevocably cleared. Things will never change as he sees no problem here. Now I just need to stop rolling my eyes at my own naïveté for the past 6 years.
....naive to seome degree perhaps and it's always easy to say so in retrospect, but somehow necessary for some of us. Something in our psyche meant we had to go through such a relationship, me 12 years with my ex-wife. Interesting that all these years later she will say that she has so many memories of all the trips I took her on and all the experiences we had together. Me, I have not one single good memory, I was dealing with someone who wasn't present emotionally. The key is to learn from it, be better in the future and avoid the avoidant altogether. easier said than done for some of us. I just discarded one after 3 near perfect months together and out of the blue she shut down emotionally for the first time. 4 days later I ended it. Pretty secure these days and have very strong boundaries but that 4 days of increasing anxiety was enough for me. Never again.
I've come to the conclusion that this man standing by the fish ☝🏼 is the real on in these RUclips streets. The others advise you how to baby avoidant people, and how secure people should bend over backwards to "keep them". Lemme just say this, this man here is the only coach that will say "F***k the avoidant and their BS , secure people duck out now from this connection ‼️" and say it in a nice, professional, way 😂. But really when you check what Ryan's saying , he is telling us all let them date each other and be avoidant together, and keep it moving find a secure person. Man, I love it here as I made this decision after educating myself and learning really they are a lost cause if they don't see the problematic behaviour they have. I just hope to never attract another fearful avoidant my first and last time, I knew nothing about them due to my past experiences. I can tell an avoidant in about thirty seconds with proper questioning in a conversation now 🗑️☺️. I think this is a good look what Ryan is doing. It keeps me saying no to the behaviour every time the fearful avoidant comes around wanting to know "how I feel?" I will never entertain another one again trust and believe that 💯
Once again, I wish Coach Ryan was around in some form back in 2005-09. Yes, 4 years I played this game and he's right. I was in love with the potential. I was in fantasy land and Im considered fairly smart, level headed, common sense type of guy.....I guess not. I started dating too soon after I got divorced. 4 months. Met a girl who I had a bunch of stuff in common with. We went out and did things Id always wanted to do but my ex wife didn't. We just clicked, the attraction was mutual but yep, she grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family with alcoholism, had a bad marriage of 5 years, the usual. Like a dummy, I thought my decent guy, good job, normal behavior would do the job. WRONG. We made great friends but myself and my ex wife made great friends. I didnt need another friend or room mate. Looking back, the best thing was that she never tried to use me for money, try to move in with me and make me even more messed up. She's now 58, still single and in a financial nightmare. I guess she prefers that over what could have been a stable, happy, financially secure future. I know see she was hardwired long ago this way.
Coach Ryan, this is one of the best videos I've seen on the 'potential' of avoidants. The discussion-loops I have had in my mind over the past months has raised the idea of her potential, and this video articulates my thoughts into an organised understanding of this dynamic. I really appreciate all your work on the topic of avoidants - it's helped me a lot. Thank you.
Ryan - Thank you very much for these videos! You have been the voice of god/best friend I needed after my split with the avoidant. Thanks for reminding us of self-respect and self-worth. Lots of avoidant videos on RUclips is on the other side of how to basically walk on eggshells with the them, which isn't really a permanent fix and instead, a band-aid approach. The insecure attachment styles need to turn secure - period. I listen to you almost every day and all of this resonates with me. They have a choice to stay in their comfort zone or to fight for their chance to be loved and give love, really, for the first time. What you're doing here has been absolutely meaningful for me, and I'm sure for others as well. May this good karma you created bring good things into yours and your love ones' lives. Really appreciate you Ryan and many thanks again! 🙏
Thank you for all of your videos Coach, your channel has aided in the healing process from a discard I experienced. I feel a lot better knowing that its not something I did to caused it to take place. I walked around blaming myself for a long time and your videos brought me much clarity 🙏🏾
Dude, I can relate so much that we even tried to fall pregnant. i proposed to her and everything. We were supposed to be living together and everything. The beginning was so beautiful. She made me promise never to forget her love for me, we are friends now and i can't forget her love she is my person😥 💔
I fought for that woman's heart for 1.5 years because I thought she was worth it. 1.5 years later I was thrown in the garbage. I still don't know what happened. It is at least 39 years later and I still have always the damage and that damage can no longer be repaired after so long
How she manage to keep up a facade for 14 years? Being blindsided after such a long relationship of building a life together and intertwining our families and friends is bizarre to me.
Coach Ryan you’re the best! I want to take care of myself. Yes I want someone that is healthy emotionally. The discard I’ve faced is something I never want again. With your help I’m sure I will have the strength to never go down this path again. Thank you for your work.
I wonder how you get to know all the thoughts coming up while being discarded and stonewalled. I see the potential and want to reconnect but on the other hand, then the cycle starts again. You remind me on the spot in easy and very clear language on an otherwise difficult-to-understand topic of what is best for me. Thank you! I will stay strong and keep the energy for myself respectively my self-development.
How do i know someone is really emotinal available when my ex avoidant was very emotional available in the beginning, thats why i gave it a Chance. Now i dont trust Nobody anymore on whatever word they say...
When we love some1 deep, its obvious to have a little hope that things will get better and we will be on the track again. I used to feel like so. Now day by day I am getting disappointed to see she has completely abandoned me. I dont know how much time I will take, I just dont want to be like this anymore. Its a burden to carry where my emotional health is diminshing bcoz of her rude behaviour. All those promises and sacrifices were of no value. Not sure when I will be okay.
Definitely real. They tapped into some of the best aspects of themselves because of the love the connection noirished, but those aspects are too difficult to sustain once they *need* to do so to keep the connection healthy. That's where the phantom ex phenomenon comes from, because what they experienced with you with real enough to haunt them.
@rajisinghsoni2321 thank you. Then she is truly the best person I've ever known. A mutual friend told me that she is sorry I'm going to go see him today to bless him with some clothes and food
Right now I think the reason is because I started going to church she left me. I am still trying to shake her off. She seemed like such a happy nice person in January and then in February she looked so sad. What the hell happened? I pray to God I get an alternate version of her. Maybe on an alternate timeline. I pray to God she didn't cheat on me. If she ever comes back I'll have her confess her sins.
because they love bomb you initially and are very easygoing and identify with all the stuff you are about. its a subconcious thing they do without realising
@@nabeninja5718 hi, thanks, i am doing a bit better, but i think it's Looks better to the outside because I can not bother my friends etc with this no more so I suppress it. Getting more and more avoident myself every day. I am dealing now with the enormous shame I feel and just can't Shake off. I really having a hard time with that... And I still feel like my soul gets ripped right back out, the moment I think of him and wherever happy, beautiful moment we had . It hurts so bad to not be able to talk things out. Or talk about anything at all!!! How did I manage to stay in this for this long??? ( Just under a year, glad it's not longer). I wonder every day when and if this disabilatating feeling will leave me in peace..... He hurt me much more then I could see in the beginning.. I really hope my trust etc will come back, I hope I can overcome this as well. Still think I miss him 🤦🏻♀️. But i now how a fool i was all that time and makes me not want anything to do with him again. I still feel dirty and so much More awefull feelings because of him/ our experience together. Yuk...😣. How are you doing right now?? I pretend to be tuff but I think it might not be a Very healthy way to cope... 🌷
Glad you wrote your story/situation so to speak…just doing that much is great therapy and definitely a nice block added to the Healing Process you are on. I can tell from your words that you are on the right track even though we feel sometimes that we will never get there. Remember always it was never your fault and you did not create the dysfunctional childhood environment that he had to navigate through and be set up with all the Coping Mechanisms (so to speak) which is so entrenched in his Subconscious and Likely a False Self that believes it is a True Identity and afraid that if he stays too long without A Healthy Relationship like Yours then he would develop a New True Healthy Identity!!!. Therefore, the False self is always in Cooperation with the Subconscious that can take over the consciousness mind and place him in a State of Complete Terror reminding him of the Painful Possibility Torturous Scenarios that will come out of being to close to you(Making you the Most Likely to hurt him as per his painful childhood experiences) is Terrifying and to be avoided at all costs thus Ensuring the False Self Would Never Be Eliminated!!!…This False Self was created in childhood as the Small Child inside needed constant protection after the Last Traumatic Painful Experience. This is why you/me in my case are viewed as Love (Which they never properly experienced but associated to Pain) and they can have close and even Sexual Relations with a Stranger as this Stranger is not viewed as danger as there can be no Love or Intimacy as we are Labeled for life and is always triggering the False Self to go into Its Own Survival Mode for itself and not our Person. Until they get the Therapy they need …we will always have a Runner and a Likely a Cheater until the False Self successfully Drives us away. Sorry so long winded but I promise you will get through it like I am almost through the Worst of it and I Know you will be Stronger than you ever was and will help others to navigate the Healing Process and Understand that are Zero Responsibility for how this Crazy Behaviour Displayed itself…God Bless You as we are all in it together and You are never alone …it shows strength to grapple with it and Strength to be able to ask for help…I Did and I am a very Strong Man…
Don't wait. Care for yourself. I've been through this. It was liberating letting go of her. I left her after she pushed away, came back, and pushed away again. Too cowardly to just cut it off herself. I have been no contact for 6 weeks. I have no desire to see her, talk to her, nothing. Because I found my self respect and let me tell you that blows away the fireworks I had with her.
YMMV but really really consider if it's worth the continuous pain and struggle you will face with them.
This man has been to hell like the rest of us. Big respect for educating and healing other wounded souls. It's difficult to survive this type of emotional decimation.
Potential is what you see when what's in front of you isn't good enough
Excellent analogy
Yes. I don’t want to accept it. It’s not that we didn’t have something good, but it needed to be so much more for how long we were together. She said she was gonna go to therapy, so if she does come back, that’s gonna be dealbreaker if hasn’t done that.
💯 same for me... good boundary to set
Totally true !
The difficult part though is, that they also showed in their behavior they are capable of loving very deeply, making you feel, even convinced you truly met your soulmate. And once experienced that, it’s very hard to let go of that feeling.
I saw the following statement somewhere else: “See the difference between how you feel about someone (the potential) and how they make you feel (their behavior)”.
So the main take away is: look at the total picture of behavioral patterns.
I agree w/ you.
I know you’re aware that DA’s are watching and you don’t want to discourage them from getting help.
But sometimes I believe you want to say to the people who have been discarded You tried It’s not your fault and you dodged a bullet.
You will find someone else Do not get back on the hamster wheel with this person.
Run!
I feel like emotionally available people willing to do the hard work are in minority. And those that are, are mostly in relationships already. Dating world nowadays is a wild, emotionally unhealthy jungle.
True
🫣😳…FUCK… that was hurtful but needed eye opener. 🙄
I waited patiently for 6 years grr
me, too
But now we know.
It is do difficult to leave somebody because they dont have a clue to who they really are themselves
Ugh I did this forn6 years. And, truthfully, if he actually changed, I would have 30 seconds of second thoughts. But my eyes have been blasted open and my ears irrevocably cleared. Things will never change as he sees no problem here. Now I just need to stop rolling my eyes at my own naïveté for the past 6 years.
....naive to seome degree perhaps and it's always easy to say so in retrospect, but somehow necessary for some of us. Something in our psyche meant we had to go through such a relationship, me 12 years with my ex-wife. Interesting that all these years later she will say that she has so many memories of all the trips I took her on and all the experiences we had together. Me, I have not one single good memory, I was dealing with someone who wasn't present emotionally.
The key is to learn from it, be better in the future and avoid the avoidant altogether. easier said than done for some of us.
I just discarded one after 3 near perfect months together and out of the blue she shut down emotionally for the first time. 4 days later I ended it. Pretty secure these days and have very strong boundaries but that 4 days of increasing anxiety was enough for me. Never again.
I've come to the conclusion that this man standing by the fish ☝🏼 is the real on in these RUclips streets. The others advise you how to baby avoidant people, and how secure people should bend over backwards to "keep them". Lemme just say this, this man here is the only coach that will say "F***k the avoidant and their BS , secure people duck out now from this connection ‼️" and say it in a nice, professional, way 😂. But really when you check what Ryan's saying , he is telling us all let them date each other and be avoidant together, and keep it moving find a secure person.
Man, I love it here as I made this decision after educating myself and learning really they are a lost cause if they don't see the problematic behaviour they have. I just hope to never attract another fearful avoidant my first and last time, I knew nothing about them due to my past experiences. I can tell an avoidant in about thirty seconds with proper questioning in a conversation now 🗑️☺️.
I think this is a good look what Ryan is doing. It keeps me saying no to the behaviour every time the fearful avoidant comes around wanting to know "how I feel?" I will never entertain another one again trust and believe that 💯
Once again, I wish Coach Ryan was around in some form back in 2005-09. Yes, 4 years I played this game and he's right. I was in love with the potential. I was in fantasy land and Im considered fairly smart, level headed, common sense type of guy.....I guess not. I started dating too soon after I got divorced. 4 months. Met a girl who I had a bunch of stuff in common with. We went out and did things Id always wanted to do but my ex wife didn't. We just clicked, the attraction was mutual but yep, she grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family with alcoholism, had a bad marriage of 5 years, the usual. Like a dummy, I thought my decent guy, good job, normal behavior would do the job. WRONG. We made great friends but myself and my ex wife made great friends. I didnt need another friend or room mate. Looking back, the best thing was that she never tried to use me for money, try to move in with me and make me even more messed up. She's now 58, still single and in a financial nightmare. I guess she prefers that over what could have been a stable, happy, financially secure future. I know see she was hardwired long ago this way.
Coach Ryan, this is one of the best videos I've seen on the 'potential' of avoidants. The discussion-loops I have had in my mind over the past months has raised the idea of her potential, and this video articulates my thoughts into an organised understanding of this dynamic. I really appreciate all your work on the topic of avoidants - it's helped me a lot. Thank you.
Ryan - Thank you very much for these videos! You have been the voice of god/best friend I needed after my split with the avoidant. Thanks for reminding us of self-respect and self-worth. Lots of avoidant videos on RUclips is on the other side of how to basically walk on eggshells with the them, which isn't really a permanent fix and instead, a band-aid approach. The insecure attachment styles need to turn secure - period. I listen to you almost every day and all of this resonates with me. They have a choice to stay in their comfort zone or to fight for their chance to be loved and give love, really, for the first time. What you're doing here has been absolutely meaningful for me, and I'm sure for others as well. May this good karma you created bring good things into yours and your love ones' lives. Really appreciate you Ryan and many thanks again! 🙏
Thank you for all of your videos Coach, your channel has aided in the healing process from a discard I experienced. I feel a lot better knowing that its not something I did to caused it to take place. I walked around blaming myself for a long time and your videos brought me much clarity 🙏🏾
Yes. I see so much potential for “us” and I’m heartbroken that he future faked me and made me believe in him. And I want to help him fix himself.
Dude, I can relate so much that we even tried to fall pregnant. i proposed to her and everything. We were supposed to be living together and everything. The beginning was so beautiful. She made me promise never to forget her love for me, we are friends now and i can't forget her love she is my person😥 💔
Fantastic Coach spot on potential is not worth nothing unless they show change and are willing to accept there issues and be able to open up
This video really gets through to me. Thank you Ryan!
I fought for that woman's heart for 1.5 years because I thought she was worth it. 1.5 years later I was thrown in the garbage. I still don't know what happened. It is at least 39 years later and I still have always the damage and that damage can no longer be repaired after so long
This videos was so well said from beginning to end..
Thank you you're so kind
How she manage to keep up a facade for 14 years? Being blindsided after such a long relationship of building a life together and intertwining our families and friends is bizarre to me.
Coach Ryan you’re the best! I want to take care of myself. Yes I want someone that is healthy emotionally.
The discard I’ve faced is something I never want again. With your help I’m sure I will have the strength to never go down this path again. Thank you for your work.
I wonder how you get to know all the thoughts coming up while being discarded and stonewalled. I see the potential and want to reconnect but on the other hand, then the cycle starts again. You remind me on the spot in easy and very clear language on an otherwise difficult-to-understand topic of what is best for me. Thank you! I will stay strong and keep the energy for myself respectively my self-development.
This video helped me to move on.
Coach Ryan is the gentleman I can see myself having a lot of interesting conversations with. with a braai, or as some put it a BBQ 😃
How do i know someone is really emotinal available when my ex avoidant was very emotional available in the beginning, thats why i gave it a Chance.
Now i dont trust Nobody anymore on whatever word they say...
Same here! It's such a mindf*ck. Was it all a lie? Or does he have somebody else? Or multiple others for all these Monts?
Thank you for saying this
Spending my time surviving Second by second. Trying to get out of the Shock... I feel dirty
Heal yourself and move on to greater levels!
Well explained my pains
When we love some1 deep, its obvious to have a little hope that things will get better and we will be on the track again. I used to feel like so. Now day by day I am getting disappointed to see she has completely abandoned me. I dont know how much time I will take, I just dont want to be like this anymore. Its a burden to carry where my emotional health is diminshing bcoz of her rude behaviour. All those promises and sacrifices were of no value. Not sure when I will be okay.
Thank you for this video!
The thing that i can't understand is if the beginning was all real or if it is also a fisage with my DA ex. Some clarity, please ?🙏
I want to know as wel. Was it all a lie?
Definitely real. They tapped into some of the best aspects of themselves because of the love the connection noirished, but those aspects are too difficult to sustain once they *need* to do so to keep the connection healthy. That's where the phantom ex phenomenon comes from, because what they experienced with you with real enough to haunt them.
@rajisinghsoni2321 thank you. Then she is truly the best person I've ever known. A mutual friend told me that she is sorry I'm going to go see him today to bless him with some clothes and food
So does it mean when they start to form feelings of love for you that's when they shutdown?
Right now I think the reason is because I started going to church she left me.
I am still trying to shake her off. She seemed like such a happy nice person in January and then in February she looked so sad.
What the hell happened?
I pray to God I get an alternate version of her. Maybe on an alternate timeline.
I pray to God she didn't cheat on me. If she ever comes back I'll have her confess her sins.
You'll have her confess her sins? That's whacked.
I feel baited and trapped..and abused
You sure made a lot of posts lol. Have a shower.
@@r.bishop1127 you wanna join me in the shower??
Mine never love bombed. Isn’t that more the norm?
Honeymoon period is the similar thing.
Mine didn't either. This is why I liked him. He wasn't trying to be a phoney.
💔💔💔💔
Coach Ryan I have a question. WHY is the connection to the avoidant so out of this world?
Thank you
because they love bomb you initially and are very easygoing and identify with all the stuff you are about. its a subconcious thing they do without realising
🙏🙏👍👍✨✨🌷🌷♥♥
🎵🎶song Lesson in Leaving 🎵🎵
ruclips.net/video/I8XQnB9HsjE/видео.htmlsi=KmumMfetKnK2ujep
Spending my time surviving Second by second. Trying to get out of the Shock... I feel dirty
Spending my time surviving Second by second. Trying to get out of the Shock... I feel dirty
Spending my time surviving Second by second. Trying to get out of the Shock... I feel dirty
I’m feeling the same. Hope you’re doing better
@@nabeninja5718 hi, thanks, i am doing a bit better, but i think it's Looks better to the outside because I can not bother my friends etc with this no more so I suppress it. Getting more and more avoident myself every day.
I am dealing now with the enormous shame I feel and just can't Shake off. I really having a hard time with that...
And I still feel like my soul gets ripped right back out, the moment I think of him and wherever happy, beautiful moment we had .
It hurts so bad to not be able to talk things out. Or talk about anything at all!!! How did I manage to stay in this for this long??? ( Just under a year, glad it's not longer).
I wonder every day when and if this disabilatating feeling will leave me in peace.....
He hurt me much more then I could see in the beginning..
I really hope my trust etc will come back, I hope I can overcome this as well.
Still think I miss him 🤦🏻♀️. But i now how a fool i was all that time and makes me not want anything to do with him again.
I still feel dirty and so much More awefull feelings because of him/ our experience together. Yuk...😣.
How are you doing right now??
I pretend to be tuff but I think it might not be a Very healthy way to cope...
🌷
Glad you wrote your story/situation so to speak…just doing that much is great therapy and definitely a nice block added to the Healing Process you are on. I can tell from your words that you are on the right track even though we feel sometimes that we will never get there. Remember always it was never your fault and you did not create the dysfunctional childhood environment that he had to navigate through and be set up with all the Coping Mechanisms (so to speak) which is so entrenched in his Subconscious and Likely a False Self that believes it is a True Identity and afraid that if he stays too long without A Healthy Relationship like Yours then he would develop a New True Healthy Identity!!!. Therefore, the False self is always in Cooperation with the Subconscious that can take over the consciousness mind and place him in a State of Complete Terror reminding him of the Painful Possibility Torturous Scenarios that will come out of being to close to you(Making you the Most Likely to hurt him as per his painful childhood experiences) is Terrifying and to be avoided at all costs thus Ensuring the False Self Would Never Be Eliminated!!!…This False Self was created in childhood as the Small Child inside needed constant protection after the Last Traumatic Painful Experience. This is why you/me in my case are viewed as Love (Which they never properly experienced but associated to Pain) and they can have close and even Sexual Relations with a Stranger as this Stranger is not viewed as danger as there can be no Love or Intimacy as we are Labeled for life and is always triggering the False Self to go into Its Own Survival Mode for itself and not our Person. Until they get the Therapy they need …we will always have a Runner and a Likely a Cheater until the False Self successfully Drives us away. Sorry so long winded but I promise you will get through it like I am almost through the Worst of it and I Know you will be Stronger than you ever was and will help others to navigate the Healing Process and Understand that are Zero Responsibility for how this Crazy Behaviour Displayed itself…God Bless You as we are all in it together and You are never alone …it shows strength to grapple with it and Strength to be able to ask for help…I Did and I am a very Strong Man…
Spending my time surviving Second by second. Trying to get out of the Shock... I feel dirty