"You'll be crazy nice to her, then she'll be crazy nice to you, and everything will work out." Life should be so simple! I love it. Thanks for sharing this transcript, Frieda. It really is special.
That was the part where I was like “this is obviously so different from what I grew up with, but it’s also really sweet.” You can really see how those homosocial relationships really thrive in this very sex segregated environment.
Very touching. Very sweet. Sometimes in movies or TV the husband is a stereotype. But this glimpse shows how husbands want their wives to feel good. It. Is incomplete, but a lovely beginning to ease fears. ❤
Thank you for sharing. I am not Jewish, but a respectful outsider who wishes to understand the human experience of all of us. You handled this sensitive topic with care. Bless you.
I think the repeated reminders to compliment your wife's outfit, remember that a lot of time and effort went into it, try to take good care to protect it (such as helping keep the dress off the ground), and notice and remark when she changes outfits is very sweet and great advice for anyone to try to follow throughout the whole marriage! Noticing and being grateful for the effort our partners put in for us is a lovely part of maintaining lifelong love. Thank you for sharing 🙂
@FriedaVizelBrooklyn I have 3 little boys and 1 girl. I'm already teaching them how to treat their future wife by practicing on their sister. And she gets used to being treated well by males which is great, too!
Frieda, you have a way of presenting all topics, even the most delicate ones, with style, grace, class, and dignity. I always learn something from your lectures. Thank you!
All grooms, regardless of their religious beliefs should have such a beautiful lesson. How to show caring, love and pride is so often overlooked. I found this very moving. Thanks for saving it Frieda.
What an interesting listen..delivered beautifully by you..with such a sympathetic tone and respect...I could listen to you for hours..as your voice is so soft and makes you want to listen. 🥰
I have just fallen onto your channel. I am an Orthodox Jewish woman, modern Orthdox. Thank you for being so respectful to the community you left. I love how you handle these topics.
I found the way the Groom Teacher explained the whole process particularly moving, you can tell he himself has a very happy life with his wife and is not only teaching the groom about the intimacies of married life but above all to RESPECT his wife. Very touching indeed ❤
This is a very special episode. I am touched by how much emphasis is placed on “be nice, be respectful to each other”. Grateful to the young man who recorded it - and to you - for allowing us to partake of this joyful and important lesson. Wish I had had one like that.
I found it really endearing that the older guy was very firm in the fact that young man should be patient and be attentive to her emotional state throuhgout the ordeal. Thank you for sharing this transcript. Super interesting!
@phillipff9923 tbh phill, I think a lot of women, regardless of religion, would describe their first time as "an ordeal". Not that I think having to have sex woth an effective stranger isn't awful - but I think given the context of the culture, a lot of what is taught about how to treat a woman is really lovely. I think if more people implemented that kind of courtship, first times might not be so traumatic for so many women.
Hey Freida! Thank you for always approaching topics like these with an open mind, and a non-driven, non biased point of view. Although you speak of personal experience, I appreciate how you present it in a way that does not sum it up to black or white. That must be work on your end! It would be worth mentioning that the bride and groom teachers of today's generation, even within the Satmar sect, are advancing and becoming much better. Many people who I've spoken to agree that today's mentors (for bride and groom) are more proffessional and openminded, and young couples are given a lot more information to help the development of their relationship.
This is very interesting and so respectful! I've seen too many videos of grooms shoving their wife's face into cake, so its nice to hear about traditions that honor the one a person is marrying.
Honestly this rebbe has really gotten what consent is about. I love the part where he tells the groom that his wife must insert the male organ. I know not all marriages will be perfect but he is doing his absolutely best to teach a good way to be a husband and a lover in a loving and respectful marriage.
Shkoyach to you and the chazan’s teacher. Of course, all marriages are different but men in ‘normal’ society rarely get this kind of insight. Women too! What a wonderful way to start. Treat each other kindly, with respect. Marriage isn’t all about the bedroom, it’s about understanding, friendship, compassion and companionship. I’ve often wondered what a pre marital lesson for the Chassidic community might be like, and given how much negative press the community has received recently where the emphasis has been on the marriages that don’t work or on people who just don’t want to be good spouses, this was a lovely counterpoint.
An intimate glimpse into a real-life chusen’s (groom’s) sex/intimacy education prior to marriage with a sensitive and informative commentary by our guide Frieda. I see great value and insight in the continued conversation on this delicate topic. Shkoyakh!
What an amazing lesson on how marriage should begin, how considerate the groom should be toward his bride, and she toward him. Much better than wham bam, thank you ma'am.
What a privilege to get to know this very authentic transcript, Frieda. Thank you so much for your work transcribing it and putting it online. May it serve as a good primary source for studies.
Love this as well as all your videos. I am a Christian believer in Jesus and am learning so much about your life and other Jewish groups by listening to your testimonies and interviews. May you be forever blessed.
Frieda, I so admire you for your positive take on all of these traditions, which are so lovely in theory. Many ex-orthodox, no matter the strain, are so bitter about so many aspects of that life. As a recovering ex-Hareidia, I find these videos so refreshingly uplifting, because so much of yahadut IS uplifting but gets forgotten in all the rancor that permeates the switch to a different lifestyle. Thank you so much for these reminders of the good that can be found there.
Frieda: this is brilliant and perhaps your very best work to date. Thank you for creating understanding! This is priceless. I’ve been involved with the Chabad community for years now, but have never been to an Orthodox wedding. WOW! Is all I can say about the wedding part. They really know how to do weddings. I ❤️ it! I’m in! I think you put your finger right on the problem: “If you get married to someone you don’t know….” I loved the teachings. Like you said, they were a bit like literature. It was lovely and charming. If only we all had (& grew up with) community and teachings like this!
sex isn't a topic discussed in our society as well, but only after the new couple got engaged. I knew the concept of sex when I was 12 years old, because my parents took me to a public high school where the topic of "sex" was normal, but discussing it at home with my parents would be seen as shameless. a lot of the topics that were discussed in your video is something I can relate to. THANK YOU FRIEDA!!☺💗
This is so sweet and precious!!!! It takes the groom by the hand and basically teaches him not to be a cretin. Does it deal with much of the sexual process? No. But it concentrates on behaving as a caring man. That's worth a lot.
If a man is taught to not be a cretin in one setting by words from a Rabbi ... I suspect the man was not a cretin to begin with. Honestly, I found the instruction absurd ... two people who are so in love that they have decided to marry, are the only ones in the whole world who know what to say to each other and how to treat each other in a way that the other would feel most appreciated. This scripted conversation is just plain odd, and carries an underlying assumption that the woman will be easily flattered with scripted praise and too gullible to realize she is hearing a scripted line.
@@pmarcum7146 At this point in an Orthodox setting, they have met, their goals align, they like each other, and they are attracted to one another. Orthodox Jews don't date like in the Western world. They haven't formed a full relationship yet. They were introduced to one another based on background information, their personalities, interests, and known goals. They have met in public settings for a few dates to see if things seemed to click between them. They will fall in love only after living with one another and treating each other with this type of respect while setting up a life together. The point where most Orthodox Jews get engaged is when others in the Western world decide they're going to be an "item". An engagement often lasts 3 months or less, and then they're in this intimate situation, involving two people who've had very little social contact with the opposite sex outside of close family. Now they are married, and suddenly all that was forbidden since before adolescence is suddenly not only allowed but required. She has her list of things to do as well. Neither is gullible. Respect just goes a long way. They need the details and scripts until they can get their own flow going, as this is all so new and out of the range of any previous experience. My newlywed life involved a lot of conferring with one another on "Okay, now what are we supposed to do?" for a while.
@@pmarcum7146 Their conversation will be their own, but it's always good to have instruction and models especially at such a sensitive time. TBH some people are just bad eggs from the start though so any amount of instruction is not going to be enough. A person at that age has their own personality.
@@pmarcum7146I understand your perspective, but to me it sounds more like the intent is to assuage a couple of sexually inexperienced teenagers about the expectations of husbands and wives than anything else. Young Orthodox men and women are taught from birth the role of men and woman in their religion and the basic responsibilities of a mother and father, but they’ve never been taught how to act as sexual partners. I think it’s rather fascinating that there’s such an emphasis on treating one another with intense kindness and patience, especially from the male gaze. Traditionally, so much of modern pop culture has been expressed contrary to that, and I wouldn’t necessarily expect that from a male voice.
@@pmarcum7146 I would guess in a society where boys and girls do not spend much time together, and parents are more subtle and private in how they show each other affection, even in private, this is actually very helpful information. It may NEVER occur to a boy who has never had close interactions with women who are not his mother or sister etc to compliment a dress!
I don't belong to any of the theist religions, but I wish we could all (men and women) learn to be "crazy nice" to each other and talk kindly and respectfully, and especially with our spouse and family. That's very good advice indeed! PS: And you read the trancript beautifully!
Good video. I haven't watched the previous one you mentioned. This groom teacher is very wise, indeed complimenting his wife and mother in law are key aspects of a good marriage at any point in life, the first day or the 50th year. Thank you for this video, i really enjoyed it.
Thank you. Your presentation and reading was lovely. With the variables of people, personalities, time, money, children, feelings, values, families, friends, faith etc. all this blending together there’s a miracle when it works. ❤
Thank you for sharing this - I wish i knew this when I worked in NICU for over 35 yrs and attended Hasidic women’s births - I knew they had limited information about their bodies and very often seemed traumatized by labor and delivery and breastfeeding - reading this really makes it truly understandable why so many were on antidepressants and appeared so miserable ! Such difficult lives! They did have a rich life if support from other women and over the years I saw some couples that really seemed to have normal happy marriages in their own terms with smaller families . I always tried to be as kind to the young women as possible and let them know that I was there to care for them and their babies as if they were my own and many responded with trust to me
Great video! As an "insider" I found this so interesting. I saw some similarities to how my husband and I were taught. I was happy to hear that this chassan teacher was direct and not "beating around the bush" on this topic as I heard some like to do (was not my experience). I think it's a good thing that this entire subject is taboo to discuss in society in general as it's personal and can cause unnecessary comparisons between couples, and is also totally inappropriate for children and even teens to talk or engage about it. With that being said, I think it's very important that the chassan/kallah teachers be as direct and open as possible when teaching about this as many of us have little to no knowledge on sex Ed which is crucial to know before you get married. With that messaging, should also come a deep education on what our Torah teaches us about it, including that it's not "bad / impure / unjewish" to want and enjoy marital relations when done in the right way with the halachacally married husband/ wife. It is actually the contrary! For me personally everything worked out perfectly in the end and I have a beautiful, respectful and close intimate marriage b"h but I can understand the challenges (as well as the great benefits!) many of my fellow community members have to go through in order to achieve that. Side note! Hope Yossi and Libby are living happily ever after!
Thank you Frieda, I loved hearing this. The emphasis on caring and making your spouse happy and at ease shows such a generous view of marriage. When I was growing up we were told the mechanics of sex, but not how to treat someone we have sex with.
I have a feeling this man has a very good relationship with his wife and her family. You can tell he's happily married and knows how to keep his wife happy. I also love how the teacher said "don't just go straight for her body, she's not ready for that". I wish all men knew that.
I found this sad. Although there is much sweetness and caring i felt sorry ftor the bride. The first time making love my husband jumps up and wipes himself off, checks me for blood and leaves me and goes and gets in his bed. No warmth or being held in my husbands arms after something that may have been painful and shocking. I would not want that on my wedding night
It is definitely sad to me as well. It's part of how Orthodox Judaism works because of the losing virginity thing. This isn't something that continues through the marriage though.
It's a very methodical and prescribed way to enter into a physical relationship. The Jewish concept of "being unclean" after the first sexual encounter adds an unpleasant heaviness to something that should be explorative and naturally pleasurable. I'm not Jewish, so I'm probably missing some context here, but I wonder if couples can enjoy their married sex-life after such an artificial start.
The more I am reading about orthodox judaism the more I support women who left that religion all that pretending “beautiful “ and “nice” a lot of woman hates their husbands , she is the one who raised the family and she is the one who provides for the families, and what he is doing?!!!!!!!!!
Tears in my eyes at the respect given to the woman. My Muslim husband was told by his family to beat me into submission. He came from an educated, cultured family. He didn't beat me, and we talked about it.
This is wonderful. I so wish my parents had such a relationship. My parents treated each other awful. Both parents resented getting tied down because of being pregnant with me. I’ve been a nurse for 40 years. Did so many things, but never married because I never felt good enough. Teaching both sexes what the expectations are and respecting each other is so important.
Wow! Thank you for sharing that! The manner in which you read/narrated the words…made me feel like I was right there with them!! Also, can you get ahold of a transcript of the ladies class?? That would be great!
What a beautiful reading. While I agree that it is a little short on details that might be helpful, I so appreciated the repeated instructions to be kind and loving, and most of all, compassionate.
Frieda, your kind and thoughtful nature is apparent as you covered this delicate topic. No everybody could treat the topic with such dignity. Thank you for sharing.
This is so beautiful and sweet - such a lovely introduction. I would like to think that "Yossi" and "Libbi" figured it out quickly. After all, they have a lifetime together!!🙂❤️🙏🏼
I'm not sure why others are commenting on the video with words such as sweet and beautiful. The whole coming together of a man and a woman was performed in a prescribed and clinical way. This is very sad to me, the absence of emotion coming from the man's own words, without the tenderly exploring of each other's bodies, give and take, all in good time. I wonder if the couples are able to develop a true physical relationship later on, after such an artificial and methodic start of their intimate relationship.
It's truly sad totally repressed when making love with the right partner is truly a beautiful, mystical, God given gift. This is so awkward , cold, and sad . Making love with a stranger. Great advice curious how many men walk this talk . If a men did the world would be a better place. Making women umpire is truly disgraceful.
Wow!! This is such a caring kind Chussen Teacher. I hope The Kallah Teacher also gave such a warm kind lesson. Thank you for sharing Frieda❤ Have a sweet peaceful Shabbos Frieda and Seth
I felt this was beautiful. I grew up Christian, but in the very secular world and both private and public schools. I may have been thoroughly instructed in biology, but neither of my parents gave me one bit of advice for marriage or even finding a suitable husband. I feel that I got very lucky in my marriage, but we have both grown a lot in 20 years. How much difficulty could be saved with loving advice about how to speak to one another and treat one another? (Which really informs how you think about the other person.) To give each other respectful space. To say, "You have my number? Call for anything." The idea apparently was that everyone has to make their own mistakes, but I would much rather arm my children with wisdom. Not every mistake needs to be made by everyone, and a great many mistakes are avoidable.
Picturing how precious and sacred it is in the Orthodox community brings tears to my eyes! The very fast, immoral secular world could learn alot from historic sacred rituals from this community. ✡️🕎
Sheer entertainment.. so thoughtfully read. I learn so much about the piety of marriage from all of your videos and I am without a religion. Thank you so much, frieda!!!
That was so interesting! As you got into the transcript, the story had my complete focus and I didn't want to miss a word. Sometimes I perform a chore while listening but this story caused me to sit at the computer. I felt like a curious kid that was learning the birds and bees for the first time. Wonderful. ! I liked how he encourages respect and compassion and it makes the event really beautiful.
I think it feels like a story as it builds and you get to imagine this couple through such an emotional experience and you almost feel there with them!
@FriedaVizelBrooklyn love that for you!!! You have the perfect voice for this type of entertainment. You're filling in a lot of gaps of information for jews and non jews alike!
That was so lovely and so interesting. Thank you for sharing that with us, you did it so well. I hope in modern times they teach about contraception and orgasms at least .
I love how the rabbi is teaching the groom how to be nice and respectful to his bride and also her family. I think everyone should have that lesson. This was very sweet. It was a lot of information though. How is that groom going to remember all of that? 😅
Thank you for sharing this transcript. You did a beautiful job reading it. I loved hearing how the instructor suggested his student caress the face of his bride and emphasizing the importance of compliments. I thought the transcript was from many years ago until I heard reference to the cell phone. I also listened to your previous show with the sex therapist and was impressed with her insights and empathy for her clients’ cultural sensitivity around the issue of human sexuality. Your scope of topics covers an amazing range of topics and I always look forward to watching new episodes.
I once taught at a Hassidic junior high school, and was fired for teaching the fundamentals of sex, as how can you teach biology without reproduction, and what 14 year-old boy doesn't wonder about sex.
I wish this talk was given to all men. He is teaching him to be loving and so sweet to his wife. I tried to talk to my sons and I think I did good. My oldest has been with 1 woman since college and is getting married in May 2025 my youngest has 3 children with 2 woman but he really loved both and is still with 1 of them. My mom told me nothing I didn't even know what my period was. The only reason I knew is ruddy on the Cosby show got her period the same day (on the show) I did. So I got lucky and watched it on the Cosby show and understood what was going on. My mom did the best she could with what she knew.
Just to let people know who may be wondering: the bride/groom classes that we got as "modern chasidic" (meaning we are chasidic, ultra orthodox, but lived in a more diverse community, not as "sheltered") our classes were much more sex-positive. The teachers spoke with modest language but still taught and emphasized pleasure for both partners and how to achieve that. Even though it was scary and new, it was also very exciting, and the wedding night does feel nerve-wracking but not like you're "with a stranger". Remember, many non jewish or secular people have one-night-stands, not even knowing that person's name, so being together for the first time with your new spouse who you know much more about and have been thinking about for months is very different than a complete stranger.
I love thev being nice to each other. That first week, then let them read Song of Solomon. I know some non Hasidic Orthodox couples that have lots of fun! Sweet video, thank you, Freida...❤🎉
I love how much the teacher emphasized making sure the groom knew it was okay if the bride didn't bleed. Hymens are very different person to person, so it's entirely possible for a virgin to bleed a lot or not at all, and if a guy is under the assumption that his wife isn't a virgin if she doesn't bleed, that can cause a great deal of distress early in a marriage that isn't warranted. One of my grandmothers had a lot of trouble in her marriage because she didn't bleed (this was in a conservative Christian community, so a little bit different), and I wish my grandfather had had someone tell him that around half of women don't bleed their first time.
Thank you, Frieda! This is very lovely, and thank you for sharing it. There is so much to learn regarding marriage, what wonderful words of wisdom and advice. XO,
Dear Frieda, I deeply appreciate your video!!! I am particularly touched at the rebbe’s instruction to love and revere the bride with such tenderness, gentleness, and appreciation. I believe that sex is sacred. I am a 70-year-old Jewish widow (my husband died when I was 36). Miraculously, I have a fabulous new boyfriend, thanks to JDate. I absolutely love the idea of BOTH the male & female (in heterosexual relationships) being tender, gentle, respectful, communicative, and grateful. Most folks have shyness and body-image issues under the sheets!!! I love being gentle and complimentary to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 72, and at our ages, everything feels very precious. None of us knows how much time we have on this Earth. Intimate relationships are not easy day in and day out. It benefits us to be kind, & to treat our partner as we would like to be treated.🩵🩵🩵🙏Thank you again, my dear Frieda!💕
Oh Maralyn, what a great great report. I also have a boyfriend now and share your feelings about everything being so precious. May our journeys be joyous.
Thank you, precious. I was raised in a tiny town in NC. My boyfriend, Sam, was raised Orthodox in Queens, NY, & he learned conversational Hebrew from his dad, as well as Hebrew for praying. Sam now attends two synagogues, Conservative and Modern Orthodox Sephardic. I have been to the Modern Orthodox with Sam, and I love the passionate praying & the warmth of the congregants. I am a feminist- but I feel at home with the separate seating. I do not judge, and am very respectful. Using me as an example, it is possible to find love at many ages. Love is not just for the “young.”🩵🩵Sam keeps Kosher at home only, and again, I am totally supportive and respectful. Sending you blessings and gratitude, dear Frida!!!❤️
Although it sounds sweet at first that he's told to say all those over the top of nice things, it's actually insincere. He's telling him to say these things regardless of whether they are true, just to butter her up for sex. Real compliments depend on the situation and come from the heart, not a script.
I agree. I also wonder what happens when the continual compliments fade and they have to get to know each other and not base their discussions on surface level things. I can only imagine how difficult all of these transitions could be.
This was beautiful! Being a Catholic my husband and I went to Pre Canon classes before we got married. We had some of it like mostly how to make a budget setting up our home. My husband knew all that because he had his own apartment. I knew all about I had a mom who taught me about money. My priest was worried more about us making our confromation together worrying we did not know the world. I was 27 and my husband was almost 30 I think we dated and did things to prepare for marriage.
Wow thank you so much for making a kiddish hashem with this video as a proud Jewish woman this represents the Jewish people for me ❤ we need more of these videos more healthy and not trauma for the Jewish community
We will celebrate 39 years next month. Our Baptist preacher counseled us just before the big day. He said “there’s nothing better than a roll in the hay with my Nell”🤦♀️. My mother drilled into my head that there are girls who do and girls who don’t. That was my sex talk🤣
Thanks for doing this video. At one time, sex education was so bad in some Hassidic communities that couples don't know the difference between vaginal sex and anal sex. Plus coming from a sheltered world with separation of the sexes creates problems that can carry over to an arranged message.
"You'll be crazy nice to her, then she'll be crazy nice to you, and everything will work out." Life should be so simple! I love it. Thanks for sharing this transcript, Frieda. It really is special.
💕
That was the part where I was like “this is obviously so different from what I grew up with, but it’s also really sweet.” You can really see how those homosocial relationships really thrive in this very sex segregated environment.
❤
Absolutely fascinating and beautiful. It's really special to be allowed an insight into the lives of other faiths.
Very touching. Very sweet. Sometimes in movies or TV the husband is a stereotype. But this glimpse shows how husbands want their wives to feel good. It. Is incomplete, but a lovely beginning to ease fears. ❤
Thank you for sharing. I am not Jewish, but a respectful outsider who wishes to understand the human experience of all of us. You handled this sensitive topic with care. Bless you.
thank you! sending blessings back
I think the repeated reminders to compliment your wife's outfit, remember that a lot of time and effort went into it, try to take good care to protect it (such as helping keep the dress off the ground), and notice and remark when she changes outfits is very sweet and great advice for anyone to try to follow throughout the whole marriage! Noticing and being grateful for the effort our partners put in for us is a lovely part of maintaining lifelong love. Thank you for sharing 🙂
yes lots here to learn, I’d hope to teach those lovely things to my son about being good to a woman and the in laws!
@FriedaVizelBrooklyn I have 3 little boys and 1 girl. I'm already teaching them how to treat their future wife by practicing on their sister. And she gets used to being treated well by males which is great, too!
@@beans4853That's wonderful!
@@beans4853 I have a friend who always taught her son (only son with multiple sisters) that he was a HIT - Husband in Training!
@@beans4853good plan!
I am 55 divorced female, this was wonderful. I wish more men were taught to appreciate each other like this instruction.
this was cold and dismissive to the women .....
I need a matchmaker😢
@ same
Frieda, you have a way of presenting all topics, even the most delicate ones, with style, grace, class, and dignity. I always learn something from your lectures. Thank you!
I appreciate your kind words
She is a great story-teller
All grooms, regardless of their religious beliefs should have such a beautiful lesson. How to show caring, love and pride is so often overlooked. I found this
very moving. Thanks for saving it Frieda.
yes i was thinking the same for my son. lovely lessons in treating a woman with care for her feelings and wellbeing.
What an interesting listen..delivered beautifully by you..with such a sympathetic tone and respect...I could listen to you for hours..as your voice is so soft and makes you want to listen. 🥰
I have just fallen onto your channel. I am an Orthodox Jewish woman, modern Orthdox. Thank you for being so respectful to the community you left. I love how you handle these topics.
I found the way the Groom Teacher explained the whole process particularly moving, you can tell he himself has a very happy life with his wife and is not only teaching the groom about the intimacies of married life but above all to RESPECT his wife. Very touching indeed ❤
I literally just commented the same thing. You can tell he's happily married and has a great relationship with his wife's family.
This is a very special episode. I am touched by how much emphasis is placed on “be nice, be respectful to each other”. Grateful to the young man who recorded it - and to you - for allowing us to partake of this joyful and important lesson. Wish I had had one like that.
I found it really endearing that the older guy was very firm in the fact that young man should be patient and be attentive to her emotional state throuhgout the ordeal.
Thank you for sharing this transcript. Super interesting!
Calling it an "ordeal" shows just how horrendous this is.
@@michelleheegaard Ordeal? Yikes! Terrifying you have that mindset.
"ordeal"????
@phillipff9923 tbh phill, I think a lot of women, regardless of religion, would describe their first time as "an ordeal".
Not that I think having to have sex woth an effective stranger isn't awful - but I think given the context of the culture, a lot of what is taught about how to treat a woman is really lovely.
I think if more people implemented that kind of courtship, first times might not be so traumatic for so many women.
Hey Freida! Thank you for always approaching topics like these with an open mind, and a non-driven, non biased point of view. Although you speak of personal experience, I appreciate how you present it in a way that does not sum it up to black or white. That must be work on your end!
It would be worth mentioning that the bride and groom teachers of today's generation, even within the Satmar sect, are advancing and becoming much better. Many people who I've spoken to agree that today's mentors (for bride and groom) are more proffessional and openminded, and young couples are given a lot more information to help the development of their relationship.
this is what I hear as well
This is very interesting and so respectful!
I've seen too many videos of grooms shoving their wife's face into cake, so its nice to hear about traditions that honor the one a person is marrying.
Honestly this rebbe has really gotten what consent is about. I love the part where he tells the groom that his wife must insert the male organ. I know not all marriages will be perfect but he is doing his absolutely best to teach a good way to be a husband and a lover in a loving and respectful marriage.
This was so romantic. I am 66 years old and no man has ever treated me with that much kindness. That was so beautiful thank you for sharing
1 am the same age as you and feel the same way .I wish all men would learn these lessons
Hi Frieda - I'm so happy you put out a video today. I needed to hear a soothing, caring voice - and there you were! Thanks you for your videos!
aww I am so moved that people like my voice, I’ve always wanted to be a storyteller!
Shkoyach to you and the chazan’s teacher. Of course, all marriages are different but men in ‘normal’ society rarely get this kind of insight. Women too! What a wonderful way to start. Treat each other kindly, with respect. Marriage isn’t all about the bedroom, it’s about understanding, friendship, compassion and companionship. I’ve often wondered what a pre marital lesson for the Chassidic community might be like, and given how much negative press the community has received recently where the emphasis has been on the marriages that don’t work or on people who just don’t want to be good spouses, this was a lovely counterpoint.
An intimate glimpse into a real-life chusen’s (groom’s) sex/intimacy education prior to marriage with a sensitive and informative commentary by our guide Frieda. I see great value and insight in the continued conversation on this delicate topic. Shkoyakh!
What an amazing lesson on how marriage should begin, how considerate the groom should be toward his bride, and she toward him. Much better than wham bam, thank you ma'am.
What a privilege to get to know this very authentic transcript, Frieda. Thank you so much for your work transcribing it and putting it online. May it serve as a good primary source for studies.
Love this as well as all your videos. I am a Christian believer in Jesus and am learning so much about your life and other Jewish groups by listening to your testimonies and interviews. May you be forever blessed.
Frieda, I so admire you for your positive take on all of these traditions, which are so lovely in theory. Many ex-orthodox, no matter the strain, are so bitter about so many aspects of that life. As a recovering ex-Hareidia, I find these videos so refreshingly uplifting, because so much of yahadut IS uplifting but gets forgotten in all the rancor that permeates the switch to a different lifestyle. Thank you so much for these reminders of the good that can be found there.
Frieda: this is brilliant and perhaps your very best work to date. Thank you for creating understanding! This is priceless. I’ve been involved with the Chabad community for years now, but have never been to an Orthodox wedding. WOW! Is all I can say about the wedding part. They really know how to do weddings. I ❤️ it! I’m in! I think you put your finger right on the problem: “If you get married to someone you don’t know….” I loved the teachings. Like you said, they were a bit like literature. It was lovely and charming. If only we all had (& grew up with) community and teachings like this!
sex isn't a topic discussed in our society as well, but only after the new couple got engaged.
I knew the concept of sex when I was 12 years old, because my parents took me to a public high school where the topic of "sex" was normal, but discussing it at home with my parents would be seen as shameless. a lot of the topics that were discussed in your video is something I can relate to. THANK YOU FRIEDA!!☺💗
This is so sweet and precious!!!! It takes the groom by the hand and basically teaches him not to be a cretin. Does it deal with much of the sexual process? No. But it concentrates on behaving as a caring man. That's worth a lot.
If a man is taught to not be a cretin in one setting by words from a Rabbi ... I suspect the man was not a cretin to begin with. Honestly, I found the instruction absurd ... two people who are so in love that they have decided to marry, are the only ones in the whole world who know what to say to each other and how to treat each other in a way that the other would feel most appreciated. This scripted conversation is just plain odd, and carries an underlying assumption that the woman will be easily flattered with scripted praise and too gullible to realize she is hearing a scripted line.
@@pmarcum7146 At this point in an Orthodox setting, they have met, their goals align, they like each other, and they are attracted to one another. Orthodox Jews don't date like in the Western world. They haven't formed a full relationship yet. They were introduced to one another based on background information, their personalities, interests, and known goals. They have met in public settings for a few dates to see if things seemed to click between them. They will fall in love only after living with one another and treating each other with this type of respect while setting up a life together. The point where most Orthodox Jews get engaged is when others in the Western world decide they're going to be an "item". An engagement often lasts 3 months or less, and then they're in this intimate situation, involving two people who've had very little social contact with the opposite sex outside of close family. Now they are married, and suddenly all that was forbidden since before adolescence is suddenly not only allowed but required. She has her list of things to do as well. Neither is gullible. Respect just goes a long way. They need the details and scripts until they can get their own flow going, as this is all so new and out of the range of any previous experience. My newlywed life involved a lot of conferring with one another on "Okay, now what are we supposed to do?" for a while.
@@pmarcum7146 Their conversation will be their own, but it's always good to have instruction and models especially at such a sensitive time. TBH some people are just bad eggs from the start though so any amount of instruction is not going to be enough. A person at that age has their own personality.
@@pmarcum7146I understand your perspective, but to me it sounds more like the intent is to assuage a couple of sexually inexperienced teenagers about the expectations of husbands and wives than anything else. Young Orthodox men and women are taught from birth the role of men and woman in their religion and the basic responsibilities of a mother and father, but they’ve never been taught how to act as sexual partners. I think it’s rather fascinating that there’s such an emphasis on treating one another with intense kindness and patience, especially from the male gaze. Traditionally, so much of modern pop culture has been expressed contrary to that, and I wouldn’t necessarily expect that from a male voice.
@@pmarcum7146 I would guess in a society where boys and girls do not spend much time together, and parents are more subtle and private in how they show each other affection, even in private, this is actually very helpful information. It may NEVER occur to a boy who has never had close interactions with women who are not his mother or sister etc to compliment a dress!
I don't belong to any of the theist religions, but I wish we could all (men and women) learn to be "crazy nice" to each other and talk kindly and respectfully, and especially with our spouse and family. That's very good advice indeed!
PS: And you read the trancript beautifully!
Thank you Frieda, a sensitive subject explained in an understandable manner 😊
This was a very special glimpse into the private lives of these groups, thank you for that
Thank you ❤️
Good video. I haven't watched the previous one you mentioned. This groom teacher is very wise, indeed complimenting his wife and mother in law are key aspects of a good marriage at any point in life, the first day or the 50th year. Thank you for this video, i really enjoyed it.
thank you, agreed!
Thank you. Your presentation and reading was lovely. With the variables of people, personalities, time, money, children, feelings, values, families, friends, faith etc. all this blending together there’s a miracle when it works. ❤
Thank you for sharing this - I wish i knew this when I worked in NICU for over 35 yrs and attended Hasidic women’s births - I knew they had limited information about their bodies and very often seemed traumatized by labor and delivery and breastfeeding - reading this really makes it truly understandable why so many were on antidepressants and appeared so miserable ! Such difficult lives! They did have a rich life if support from other women and over the years I saw some couples that really seemed to have normal happy marriages in their own terms with smaller families . I always tried to be as kind to the young women as possible and let them know that I was there to care for them and their babies as if they were my own and many responded with trust to me
That is so beautiful of you!!! Thank you for your kindness.
So sweet. I can see how he was being instructed to make her feel loved and adored.
Wow! Thank you for sharing that! The manner in which you read/narrated the words…made me feel like I was right there with them!!
Great video! As an "insider" I found this so interesting. I saw some similarities to how my husband and I were taught. I was happy to hear that this chassan teacher was direct and not "beating around the bush" on this topic as I heard some like to do (was not my experience). I think it's a good thing that this entire subject is taboo to discuss in society in general as it's personal and can cause unnecessary comparisons between couples, and is also totally inappropriate for children and even teens to talk or engage about it.
With that being said, I think it's very important that the chassan/kallah teachers be as direct and open as possible when teaching about this as many of us have little to no knowledge on sex Ed which is crucial to know before you get married. With that messaging, should also come a deep education on what our Torah teaches us about it, including that it's not "bad / impure / unjewish" to want and enjoy marital relations when done in the right way with the halachacally married husband/ wife. It is actually the contrary!
For me personally everything worked out perfectly in the end and I have a beautiful, respectful and close intimate marriage b"h but I can understand the challenges (as well as the great benefits!) many of my fellow community members have to go through in order to achieve that.
Side note! Hope Yossi and Libby are living happily ever after!
lovely. thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am hopeful for Yossi and Libby as well!
Thank you Frieda, I loved hearing this. The emphasis on caring and making your spouse happy and at ease shows such a generous view of marriage. When I was growing up we were told the mechanics of sex, but not how to treat someone we have sex with.
Same, and being crazy nice to each other would’ve been great to start with.
I have a feeling this man has a very good relationship with his wife and her family. You can tell he's happily married and knows how to keep his wife happy.
I also love how the teacher said "don't just go straight for her body, she's not ready for that". I wish all men knew that.
Yes yes yes, agreed. I so like the old man, seems like he knows how to treat a woman
I agree with you that this is a lovely slice of life look into a young couple starting out. It's really sweet. Thanks for sharing!
I found this sad. Although there is much sweetness and caring i felt sorry ftor the bride. The first time making love my husband jumps up and wipes himself off, checks me for blood and leaves me and goes and gets in his bed. No warmth or being held in my husbands arms after something that may have been painful and shocking. I would not want that on my wedding night
It is definitely sad to me as well. It's part of how Orthodox Judaism works because of the losing virginity thing. This isn't something that continues through the marriage though.
It's a very methodical and prescribed way to enter into a physical relationship. The Jewish concept of "being unclean" after the first sexual encounter adds an unpleasant heaviness to something that should be explorative and naturally pleasurable. I'm not Jewish, so I'm probably missing some context here, but I wonder if couples can enjoy their married sex-life after such an artificial start.
The more I am reading about orthodox judaism the more I support women who left that religion all that pretending “beautiful “ and “nice” a lot of woman hates their husbands , she is the one who raised the family and she is the one who provides for the families, and what he is doing?!!!!!!!!!
Correct me if I am wrong, but nothing was said about the woman’s pleasure. Almost as if sex is only for the man
Frieda, this is incredibly eye opening and sweet. What a kiddush Hashem. 👏
It wouldn’t be Christmas without Sandy! The OG of vlogmas!!!! I totally look forward to this each and every year.
Tears in my eyes at the respect given to the woman. My Muslim husband was told by his family to beat me into submission. He came from an educated, cultured family. He didn't beat me, and we talked about it.
Good for your husband, not beating you into submission, though someone had told him to! He must be a very good man.
Unimaginable
❤
Doesn’t seem very Islamic to me.
Conditioning our children and passing the psychosis from beginning of time. Males are NOT superior.
Such a beautiful lesson. I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you to the generous groom that was willing to share his experience with us.
Thank you for sharing this Frieda, so well done.
As a side note, you look so lovely! Your haircut and glasses are PERFECTION!
This is wonderful. I so wish my parents had such a relationship. My parents treated each other awful. Both parents resented getting tied down because of being pregnant with me. I’ve been a nurse for 40 years. Did so many things, but never married because I never felt good enough. Teaching both sexes what the expectations are and respecting each other is so important.
I’m so sorry you didn’t see love between your parents, I think many kids are unhappy parents and it so affects the children.
Wow! Thank you for sharing that! The manner in which you read/narrated the words…made me feel like I was right there with them!! Also, can you get ahold of a transcript of the ladies class?? That would be great!
VERY MUCH AGREE.
Hi.
What a beautiful reading. While I agree that it is a little short on details that might be helpful, I so appreciated the repeated instructions to be kind and loving, and most of all, compassionate.
Thank you, Frieda. I value your content. This took me to you blog, where I read several entries. I appreciate and value what you have written.
thank you so much! most of my journey had been accompanied by writing…
Frieda, your kind and thoughtful nature is apparent as you covered this delicate topic. No everybody could treat the topic with such dignity. Thank you for sharing.
This is so beautiful and sweet - such a lovely introduction. I would like to think that "Yossi" and "Libbi" figured it out quickly. After all, they have a lifetime together!!🙂❤️🙏🏼
This was lovely, Frida. Thank you so much for sharing.
I'm not sure why others are commenting on the video with words such as sweet and beautiful. The whole coming together of a man and a woman was performed in a prescribed and clinical way. This is very sad to me, the absence of emotion coming from the man's own words, without the tenderly exploring of each other's bodies, give and take, all in good time. I wonder if the couples are able to develop a true physical relationship later on, after such an artificial and methodic start of their intimate relationship.
It's truly sad totally repressed when making love with the right partner is truly a beautiful, mystical, God given gift. This is so awkward , cold, and sad . Making love with a stranger. Great advice curious how many men walk this talk . If a men did the world would be a better place. Making women umpire is truly disgraceful.
This was so wonderful. You did a great job. Thank for this selfless work.
I find this so interesting , teaching the young man to care for his wife first then himself ,thank you for sharing . 17:40
Wow!! This is such a caring kind Chussen Teacher.
I hope The Kallah Teacher also gave such a warm kind lesson.
Thank you for sharing Frieda❤
Have a sweet peaceful Shabbos Frieda and Seth
thanks dear lovely Chaya! git shabbes!!
@FriedaVizelBrooklyn 🥰
This was so lovely. Thank you so much for sharing it with us
Thank you! 🥰
I felt this was beautiful. I grew up Christian, but in the very secular world and both private and public schools. I may have been thoroughly instructed in biology, but neither of my parents gave me one bit of advice for marriage or even finding a suitable husband. I feel that I got very lucky in my marriage, but we have both grown a lot in 20 years. How much difficulty could be saved with loving advice about how to speak to one another and treat one another? (Which really informs how you think about the other person.) To give each other respectful space. To say, "You have my number? Call for anything." The idea apparently was that everyone has to make their own mistakes, but I would much rather arm my children with wisdom. Not every mistake needs to be made by everyone, and a great many mistakes are avoidable.
PS: Your current hairstyle is the perfect shape and length for your face.
thank you so much!
True! Frieda looks so nice.
@@FriedaVizelBrooklynIt is just striking on you ❤
Picturing how precious and sacred it is in the Orthodox community brings tears to my eyes! The very fast, immoral secular world could learn alot from historic sacred rituals from this community. ✡️🕎
With a sheitel you could look the same always…. Almost….😜
This was a very sweet chassan (groom) lesson. Thanks for sharing . You brought me back sweet memories of 2 decades ago.
Sheer entertainment.. so thoughtfully read. I learn so much about the piety of marriage from all of your videos and I am without a religion. Thank you so much, frieda!!!
Thank you for sharing this, and the way you did, too, by way of transcript, and changing names. I love your channel, and admire you so much.
That was so interesting! As you got into the transcript, the story had my complete focus and I didn't want to miss a word. Sometimes I perform a chore while listening but this story caused me to sit at the computer. I felt like a curious kid that was learning the birds and bees for the first time. Wonderful. ! I liked how he encourages respect and compassion and it makes the event really beautiful.
I think it feels like a story as it builds and you get to imagine this couple through such an emotional experience and you almost feel there with them!
This is so beautiful, I loved it :) Thanks Frieda
I love it too!
Yes it was a wonderful reading,thank you for sharing it with us in such a respectful way 🙏
I’m so happy to hear, I hope I did this wonderful piece justice
So glad your channel is doing so well! Love the mic! Your voice is so clear.🎉
Oh my thank you, the mic is new-ish!!
@FriedaVizelBrooklyn love that for you!!! You have the perfect voice for this type of entertainment. You're filling in a lot of gaps of information for jews and non jews alike!
I think this is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard. I love it.
This was so sweet, it made me tear up at multiple points
This is so sweet. Hard to not feel something. I'm glad that at least in these communities marriage is so treasured and revered.
That was so lovely and so interesting. Thank you for sharing that with us, you did it so well.
I hope in modern times they teach about contraception and orgasms at least .
wow - thank you so much for sharing this. It is so incredibly sweet and sincere and I love how you read it.
I love how the rabbi is teaching the groom how to be nice and respectful to his bride and also her family. I think everyone should have that lesson. This was very sweet. It was a lot of information though. How is that groom going to remember all of that? 😅
Thank you for sharing this transcript. You did a beautiful job reading it. I loved hearing how the instructor suggested his student caress the face of his bride and emphasizing the importance of compliments. I thought the transcript was from many years ago until I heard reference to the cell phone. I also listened to your previous show with the sex therapist and was impressed with her insights and empathy for her clients’ cultural sensitivity around the issue of human sexuality. Your scope of topics covers an amazing range of topics and I always look forward to watching new episodes.
I once taught at a Hassidic junior high school, and was fired for teaching the fundamentals of sex, as how can you teach biology without reproduction, and what 14 year-old boy doesn't wonder about sex.
No words. I’m so thankful we’ve evolved as humans.
I wish this talk was given to all men. He is teaching him to be loving and so sweet to his wife. I tried to talk to my sons and I think I did good. My oldest has been with 1 woman since college and is getting married in May 2025 my youngest has 3 children with 2 woman but he really loved both and is still with 1 of them. My mom told me nothing I didn't even know what my period was. The only reason I knew is ruddy on the Cosby show got her period the same day (on the show) I did. So I got lucky and watched it on the Cosby show and understood what was going on. My mom did the best she could with what she knew.
How lovely. Congrats to your oldest son!!
Just to let people know who may be wondering: the bride/groom classes that we got as "modern chasidic" (meaning we are chasidic, ultra orthodox, but lived in a more diverse community, not as "sheltered") our classes were much more sex-positive. The teachers spoke with modest language but still taught and emphasized pleasure for both partners and how to achieve that.
Even though it was scary and new, it was also very exciting, and the wedding night does feel nerve-wracking but not like you're "with a stranger". Remember, many non jewish or secular people have one-night-stands, not even knowing that person's name, so being together for the first time with your new spouse who you know much more about and have been thinking about for months is very different than a complete stranger.
yep makes a lot of sense
I love thev being nice to each other. That first week, then let them read Song of Solomon. I know some non Hasidic Orthodox couples that have lots of fun! Sweet video, thank you, Freida...❤🎉
I read the blog's post. The wife's pleasure and consent are not prioritized. While the romance ed was good, the sex ed was bad
I found this to be really sweet and respectful and I especially loved the part about bringing God to the marriage bed ❤ amen x
Thank you for this. The world needs more of this.
So incredibly loving, sweet and innocent. A place and time we should all aspire to. Thanks for sharing.
I love how much the teacher emphasized making sure the groom knew it was okay if the bride didn't bleed. Hymens are very different person to person, so it's entirely possible for a virgin to bleed a lot or not at all, and if a guy is under the assumption that his wife isn't a virgin if she doesn't bleed, that can cause a great deal of distress early in a marriage that isn't warranted. One of my grandmothers had a lot of trouble in her marriage because she didn't bleed (this was in a conservative Christian community, so a little bit different), and I wish my grandfather had had someone tell him that around half of women don't bleed their first time.
So very interesting Frieda. Thank you.
Loved this video.Answered so many questions for me on the videos I have seen.
Thank you, Frieda! This is very lovely, and thank you for sharing it. There is so much to learn regarding marriage, what wonderful words of wisdom and advice. XO,
it’s fascinating and so so sweet
Dear Frieda, I deeply appreciate your video!!! I am particularly touched at the rebbe’s instruction to love and revere the bride with such tenderness, gentleness, and appreciation.
I believe that sex is sacred. I am a 70-year-old Jewish widow (my husband died when I was 36). Miraculously, I have a fabulous new boyfriend, thanks to JDate. I absolutely love the idea of BOTH the male & female (in heterosexual relationships) being tender, gentle, respectful, communicative, and grateful. Most folks have shyness and body-image issues under the sheets!!! I love being gentle and complimentary to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 72, and at our ages, everything feels very precious. None of us knows how much time we have on this Earth. Intimate relationships are not easy day in and day out. It benefits us to be kind, & to treat our partner as we would like to be treated.🩵🩵🩵🙏Thank you again, my dear Frieda!💕
Oh Maralyn, what a great great report. I also have a boyfriend now and share your feelings about everything being so precious. May our journeys be joyous.
Thank you, precious. I was raised in a tiny town in NC. My boyfriend, Sam, was raised Orthodox in Queens, NY, & he learned conversational Hebrew from his dad, as well as Hebrew for praying. Sam now attends two synagogues, Conservative and Modern Orthodox Sephardic. I have been to the Modern Orthodox with Sam, and I love the passionate praying & the warmth of the congregants. I am a feminist- but I feel at home with the separate seating. I do not judge, and am very respectful. Using me as an example, it is possible to find love at many ages. Love is not just for the “young.”🩵🩵Sam keeps Kosher at home only, and again, I am totally supportive and respectful. Sending you blessings and gratitude, dear Frida!!!❤️
Although it sounds sweet at first that he's told to say all those over the top of nice things, it's actually insincere. He's telling him to say these things regardless of whether they are true, just to butter her up for sex. Real compliments depend on the situation and come from the heart, not a script.
I agree. I also wonder what happens when the continual compliments fade and they have to get to know each other and not base their discussions on surface level things. I can only imagine how difficult all of these transitions could be.
This was beautiful! Being a Catholic my husband and I went to Pre Canon classes before we got married. We had some of it like mostly how to make a budget setting up our home. My husband knew all that because he had his own apartment. I knew all about I had a mom who taught me about money. My priest was worried more about us making our confromation together worrying we did not know the world. I was 27 and my husband was almost 30 I think we dated and did things to prepare for marriage.
I’ve heard people talk who left and they complained they weren’t taught life lessons math or history they couldn’t live outside your community
different people learned different things or were affected by the teaching differently
I would love to hear about how this lesson goes for the bride! This was a beautiful lesson
I am reminded of the Song of Solomon. Beautiful reading and beautifully read, Frieda.
I found this to be beautiful and it was read with such respect. The moments that were heartwarming to you, I also found myself feeling like that also.
thank you. I feel this is special and it came through in my reading.
I loved this. Thank you for sharing this zeesy account of what a groom should expect & strive for. 😊
Wow thank you so much for making a kiddish hashem with this video as a proud Jewish woman this represents the Jewish people for me ❤ we need more of these videos more healthy and not trauma for the Jewish community
Thank you ❤ this brought me to tears
We will celebrate 39 years next month. Our Baptist preacher counseled us just before the big day. He said “there’s nothing better than a roll in the hay with my Nell”🤦♀️. My mother drilled into my head that there are girls who do and girls who don’t. That was my sex talk🤣
Such a wonderfully interesting video as always. Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m so glad to hear dear Raz
That was so sweet, hopefully the groom carried it throughout his marriage. Also, the older male probably has a wonderful marriage.
Thanks for doing this video. At one time, sex education was so bad in some Hassidic communities that couples don't know the difference between vaginal sex and anal sex. Plus coming from a sheltered world with separation of the sexes creates problems that can carry over to an arranged message.
It is lovely. If only things stay as lovely this start, they would never end.
My grandparents on my mother's side where Lithuanian Jews. My family no longer practicing Judaism. I love learning about this. Thank you!