Confronting my own Internalized Ableism
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- Опубликовано: 5 окт 2024
- Talking about internalized ableism, alexithymia and anxiety today. I had therapy this morning and I worked through a lot of things I want to share with you all.
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I am NOT a medical professional and this channel is not a diagnostic tool. This is a personal vlog coming from a lived experience point of view.
#SDAM
#MemoryLoss
You have an EXELLENT hair day, Amanda! Am jelous about Your beautiful curls again😘
Thank you! 😍😍☺️
❤ thank you
You're welcome, thanks for watching. 😊
"I'm really wiggly today!" 😅 I totally relate.
I related to much to your anxiety about your outing with your friend! When you were breaking down the thought patterns around worrying about if you were going to have lunch or not, and comparing yourself to others who might not worry about such things. That's exactly the road my mind travels down! My autism brain needs stability, I need to know what's going to happen in order to feel "safe". I've never been a "play it by ear" kind of person, I need to know what to expect so I can be prepared. I don't like surprises! And I do compare myself to others. I get so embarrassed about my anxiety, because I think that the things I worry about are so "weird". So I won't talk about my anxious thoughts with anyone, because I fear what they might think about me. But then keeping it inside makes me feel even more anxious!
The only thing I didn't relate to was that I have always known I am a highly anxious person even as a child.
I have struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager in the 80's and 90's. We didn't know back then that THAT is what it was, but I have learned over time that's what it was. It would usually happen right before an event or outing that I was really excited about going to (or right after being picked up by someone for said event). All the thoughts that would roam around in my head...you described them perfectly! My brain would work itself into a frenzy, and I would end up throwing up, or nearly throwing up. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I got good at not letting anyone see this by swallowing it down and pushing it all down. I was miserable. But my mask wouldn't let me tell anyone, which I know is what made it worse. I am proud to say that I'm much better now that I'm an adult, but I wish I could tell my younger self that I didn't have to suffer like that.
thanks for sharing your therapy experience so we can know what to work on
Thank you for watching ❤️
5:38 I absolutely agree.
Wowww this is me too in many ways! Thank you so much for sharing.
I was ridiculed by peers for being anxious, so appearing "calm" and shaming myself for being otherwise (the internalized ableism piece) became very important early on. I wasn't DXed till age 53 so there are decades of damage to remedy.
Love this
Aw I hate those "Everything feels wrong" days :( My putting-up-with-discomfort items are some crew-neck tshirts with designs from my favourite video game. Crew-neck tshirts make me wiggly and twitchy, but at least they're not as bad as turtleneck shirts. I haven't worn a turtleneck since I was 4 when it was clear that I couldn't function in them and wasn't going to get used to them.
Thank you for sharing this. I also have troubles around friendships, but the best way I can describe it right now is that at some point I inevitably feel like I've shown my "weirdness" too much, so I withdraw. Also, I have to work to pay rent so I don't have much energy left over for friendships. Gah!
Sensory sensitive days are so hard.
Yeah, I'm grateful that I do have time to at least attempt to make friends. Especially because I'm very extroverted. My therapist did remind me today that it important to make connections because humans need each other and social isolation contributes to depression. But she knows that isn't always easy.
May I suggest summarizing all feelings into two descriptive words:
1. comfortable (want to feel)
2. uncomfortable (do not want).
Figuring out the specific emotion's name, can be VERY difficult for me sometimes. I hope this helps.
Thank you so much for sharing, that was SO relatable!
I'm very glad. I never know for sure!
@@i.am.mindblind omg yes! Your examples are spot on. I never had a word for anxiety either and I never wanted to “rock the boat” in my family, I had to be perfect. You really helped me put that together, so thank you!
🌸🌸
I didnt recognize anxiousness for decades. A psychiatrist would ask me everytime I saw them, how is my anxiety, and I had to ask them "what is anxiety?" I find out in my late 30's, I'm always anxious.
Maybe anxiety about your anxiety instead of embarrassment about your anxiety? Windy Dryden has a book about anxiety. I like his straight forward style of teaching psychology. X
Interesting concept. I'll have to think on this. I think it could be a bit of both!
Amanda! I love the captioning!
I follow another autistic creator, Claire from “Woodshed Theory,” and she does a podcast with fellow autistic creators. I’d like to suggest she reach out to you if that’s okay?
Claire and I've been talking! I have plans to be on her podcast! I'll post an official update when I have more details. 😊
Thanks! I just found out that my editing software finally added captions for free. It used to be an extra fee to add captions and while I'm monetized, I don't make much on this channel and I've been making less and less each month. But now they're free, I should be able to add them every time! (I don't think it was a trial.)
@@i.am.mindblind oh heck yeah! I’m so glad and can’t wait to see you guys on the pod!
Well, sadly just before You asked I thought "Oh, I can so much relate to that, damn!".
If You want to make it worse, I can tell You how😉: Everytime You meet someone You like just think about very intensively "They will definitely find me too much". And then if they don´t react the way You expected and ask You to meet for a coffee or whatever sabotage it right in the beginning by telling them "I think I should tell You BEFORE that I am not the easy person You see in me now". Reaction: They will find THIS akward and not ask again, good job😫
😖Yep, that´s what I did before totally giving up and withdrawing from any social events and just staying at home with my cat.
Not very smart, of cause, but I guess just some trauma response way to try to secure myself from getting hurt again "when they see how bad I really am and leave me then when I like them and it will hurt".
But knowing about and now having an idea WHY helps, also hearing from You or others I am not alone with this. So thank You again for talking about😚
It's so easy to just want to withdrawal from trying to make friends, but it's so important (at least for me) to keep trying.
I don't hunger cues either. AaHa! Thank you.
I always thought I did, but I learned that by the time I get a hunger cue it's much later than it should be for a person without low interoception. Therefore I'm what people like to call "hangry." Definitely best for me to eat on a schedule
I recognise some of these things. And you always make me have some aha moments of my own.
But the karaoke-like subtitles were distracting. especially since they had multiple colors. They are pretty, but the yellow was a bit irritating. I guess since I'm used to just plain white subtitles without the karaoke-like tracker.
I'm so glad you had some aha moments too.
As for the captions, I've been wanting to add them but before it was an extra fee in my editing software. I'll play around with settings and see if I can find some less flashy ones. I just got a comment that someone else loved them (and I like the bouncy kind too) so there's no way to make everyone happy BUT, I will see if I can find captions that are less flashy. I do appreciate the feedback.
?Do you talk to people in a group or one on one the same way to talk to people that may view your video?
I'm sorry, I don't understand your question. Can you ask in a different way? Thank you. ❤️