Life Long Memory Disorder: SDAM with Aphantasia
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- What is it like living with Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory Disorder also known as SDAM? In this video I talk about not remembering my kids lives, how I try to track my memories and adapting to SDAM and aphantasia
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I am NOT a medical professional and this channel is not a diagnostic tool. This is a personal vlog coming from a lived experience point of view.
#SDAM
#MemoryLoss
#aphantasia
One thing I forgot to talk about in this video is how I will completly forget people exist. Or I'll meet someone and add them to my social media and later not remember who they were at all. This is really frustrating for me!
Okay, I have experienced that too, but just some not so important people.
Or things I did and then others tell me and I really can't remember.
But as I remember a lot of other things I am very sure I have not a biographical memory disorder like You. So it must be something also other people experience.
Could be also ADHD-related?
I’m the same as you I can’t remember my childhood, and can’t remember last year. My memory is broken remember small details and I can’t spell for hell. Also adhd effects your attention, and Aphantasia effects the able to remember long term. I also have these weird talks I can talk with without a script I talk for hours without anything I don’t understand how I do it. I also a forgot people, I have this fear where my mom dies and I completely forgot them. I’m now reading this I don’t known what is going on in this.
Also try not to repeat yourself I do it all the time, I hate it.
Thanks Amanda. 💖
I know forgetting who a person is on social media happens with normal memory, but not as often. I know it happened to me recently. I would be really frustrated I'm sure if it happened to me all the time.
17:23 "I'm not choosing what to remember, what not to remember" SAME!
Do other people choose what their memory remembers?!
I wish I had that magical ability.
Hear you! Thanks so much!
Very relatable. Especially not remembers life events other people told me about that were pretty big deals.
You have described my same experience. I do get vague flashes of photo memory but they are few and far between and I definitely cannot call them up. They are elusive if I try to force them. Thank you for making these videos!
You're welcome, talking about our inner experiences is so important for me to understand myself better
I’m the same as you I can’t remember my childhood, and can’t remember last year. My memory is broken remember small details and I can’t spell for hell. Also adhd effects your attention, and Aphantasia effects the able to remember long term. I also have these weird talks I can talk with without a script I talk for hours without anything I don’t understand how I do it. I also a forgot people, I have this fear where my mom dies and I completely forgot them. I’m now reading this I don’t known what is going on in this.
Also try not to repeat yourself I do it all the time, I hate it.
Here is a story I remember it was on a Sunday or Saturday. Me and my family went to the lack I was stepping on the sand it burned, the I got it the water it was good water just perfect, I swam around. I then got out of the water and had something to eat I think it was a sandwich. Then got back in and that is all I known.
I just found your channel last night and I'm so glad. I also have aphantasia and SDAM, which I found out about a few years ago. I'm strongly suspecting that I'm also autistic and will be looking into a diagnosis soon.
This is the first channel I've seen of someone who shares my experiences, and it's comforting in a way.
As far as memory aids, I think the thing that has helped me the most is that I am an artist, and I date my art religiously. Anything I export digitally or scan in traditionally, I name with the date I made it. That way, I have a chronological view of everything I've drawn (that was worth exporting or scanning in)
Not only does this help me remember when I drew what, but it also has the added benefit of... I can see what subjects I was drawing and therefore what I was interested in, and that helps me to place various events in my life into a rough timeline.
I know I was friends with this person during these years, because that's when I was drawing their characters. I know this is when I joined that group, this is when I participated in that project, etc.
That's how I remember when I graduated, too; I only know it because I made a drawing for it and I put the year number on it.
Having a string of drawings with dates on them helps me to logic out when things in my life must have happened. And, at times it can be an insight into how I was feeling at the time.
It's been really helpful for me. Anything from before I started making art and dating it in this way is so much more hazy. I know of some things that happened, but I don't know almost any detail, and the order of events is pretty much unknown.
I also try to write in a journal every month, but most months I forget if I'm honest. Whenever something comes up that feels big, though, I try to sit down and write. That way I have *some* kind of catalogue of what's happened...
It's rough. It upsets me a lot. But I don't have a choice but to keep moving forward, keep dates on things that seem important, and just hope for the best.
oh yes, I'm an artist with aphantasia! how fun is that. Everyone else gets a cheat code to see what they want to draw, but I just gotta try based on the vague impressions my brain gives me 😂 what fun. I know some other aphant artists as well.
For me, I can't visualize my characters doing stuff in my brain, so instead I draw it
I'm an artist too! I rely a lot on reference photos. I don't create art often but when I do, I enjoy the experience immensely. I love that your art helps ground some memories for you!
I waited for such a video to find out what this concept of SDAM is about. For me as an aspie it is material to hear from other autists how they apply concepts, though these be created in a neurotypical world. For example, hearing the particular autistic experience of women sharpened my male understanding of women in general, rather than their NT filters.
Everything that you describe however is within the general ballpark of autistic memory structure. Have you checked whether autists have memory different from allists, before trying to shoehorn the label of SDAM? It is. Semantic memory (aka itemspecific memory) is stronger while episodic memory (aka relational memory) is weaker, as a function of the lack of intuitive understanding for social interaction, making tribal alignment and hence other than random, other than only goal-oriented order, less meaningful. See The Wiley Handbook of Memory, Autism Spectrum Disorder and the Law from 2018 for the details. It’s a known problem that you can’t even interview autists the usual way in court or police without their averments sounding sketchy. (Less so it has been expanded upon what happens if the person applying the law is autistic, as myself who just got his law degree, having to take particular note of how the exams are designed with neurotypical memory structure, ehm, in mind.)
The aphantasia part is also related to the autistic deficits in social cognition: for how is there a point in imagining something if you are not supported in it by synchronization with your close persons who want to comfort you? (Also a reason for anxiety disorders in autists. In males it is more often recognized as alexithymia due to the normative male who is supposed to be strong and unyielding.)
They are finding there is overlap between sdam/Aphantasia and Autism. Just like the opposite of those spectrums there are many autistic people who have a hyper memory or hyper visualizing capabilities. That being said, a lot of autistic people have a typical memory or visualizing capabilities.
Like I said in the video, at this time I am confident I have SDAM. My memory isn't typical, autistic or Allistic.
Oh lordt. The bullet journal struggle is REAL. I'm HOPING to get back into it with my iPad journaling app once I've moved (short form: just closed on a house so I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off and don't have the time, energy, or focus to work on starting a bullet journal) to help me create a more consistent routine. Regardless of whether you ultimately remember them or not, I'm glad you have the chance to have those experiences, like in Hawaii.
I tried a digital bullet journal but I wasn't tech savvy enough to make it work well
My memories feel like blurry virtual reality, as if I'm in a Star Trek holodeck, and there is a dense fog.
Feelings, smells, and sights I remember better than words.
My poor memory of words was frequently used by my father to berate me.
I can rebuild my childhood home in Minecraft, when I havent seen that home for over 30 years, from memory.
I am horrible at remembering words, times, special dates, appointments... if I didnt set an alarm, I would forget to take my meds, miss appointments, birthdays, weekends, maybe some of this is time blindness too.
❤
Thanks for your incite.
Thank you for sharing this
You make me wonder if I have any kind of memory disorder and not just amnesia because of trauma and dissociation.
It's worth looking into I think.
I have very low memory retention. If i read a chapter in a book i wont inow what u read after reading it. Unless its a special interest of mine or something tied to an emotion its very hard. Even when i film videos, while im talking sometimes i cant even remember what i was talking about. Im not diagnosed so i cant say i have this at all. I was married once before and i genuinely dont remember being married. I know i was but unless someones soeaking on marriage or divorce, it's not something I think about. Honestly for me i think because each day is a task in itself, I believe my brain trashes everything else. When I havent seen family in a long time I forget what they look like and have a fear that they forget me too but obviously they dont and I wont actually forget their voices or stop recognizing them. The best way i can describe my memory is its a fog. i have to dive really deep in my past to remember things. But then theres random things I do remember. Some traumatic memories and one was my 3rd grade birthday at McDonald's. All this to say, I cant say i have the same issue, but I relate to this so much
I should clarify, I do have a visual in my brain and can see letters and numbers and math in my mind and they have colors. The memory not remembering things is what I relate to ❤
Sounds like you could have SDAM without the aphantasia. Sdam doesn't effect short term memory, but if you have adhd, adhd effects short term memory. There are other reasons for memory loss too, and it's worth it to talk to a doc. Sometimes even low iron can be a cause of memory loss or brain fog.
*none of my advice is medical advice, I am not a medical professional.*
Can you dream? I have an excellent visual memory, and I learn from images too. My dreams are complex and lucid. I can't imagine what your dreams could be like.
I can dream and in pictures too. But I don't do it often. Apparently the part of the brain that visualizes in dreams versus day are different areas. I have an older video where I talk about this more.
I remember loosing my baby molders....
It's again sooo fascinating for me!
I too don't remember moving scenes a lot, more like watching photographs.
And with AuDHD I also experience this "Hey brain, work with me" thing😂
I remember random not important informations but don't (also random) very important ones. So frustrating!
I now would like to know how this has an impact of experience trauma and work on it yourself or in therapy.
And how is it handled in law-related fields, maybe a person is accused to have done something and they cannot remember. Or they are a victim.
I mean, it's hard to imagine for me, is there any memory?
Like if something horrible and very impressive happens like 9/11 or a car-accident in which people die, it's just not imaginable for me not to remember although of cause I believe You if it would be like this.
That must be very dangerous then if other people know and manipulate You then (not You as a specific person, Amanda, just every person with SDAM.
And how is it different from this complete memory loss like (as a very simple romcom!) portrayed in this Movie with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler (50 first dates). I mean there are similar things after brain injuries when the short time memory doesn't work any more but people can remember older things. Or dementia, when people can remember things long time ago. But that's totally different, I get that, as I have worked with people with dementia, also Korsakow.
Neurology, psychiatry, neuro-biology are so interesting!
I have a video I did about 9/11. I specifically decided to do it because it is a collective memory many of us have so it was a way to talk about a specific memory and how I experience it versus other people.
@@i.am.mindblind Ah okay, then I should look this up.
I do remember that on this day my son was a baby and I called a friend and she said "I can´t talk right now, I am busy watching this in the news" And then I turned the TV on for the first time when my child was not sleeping and was horrified as I felt "this will cause war", even am german. And then I felt for the first time an emotional, not cognitive connection to mothers having their children in the arms and running away from bombs, what war means and started to cry (pregnency made me very emotional and the first months after birth the same). And then I missed one of this big steps I all noticed in the baby diary because I was watching the news on this damned TV; his first time moving from back to stomach, which happens around month four (he was born begin of may 01). And I hated myself then for it. The only other thing I know is that I was so upset and as a single I went down to the oldtimer-VW-beetle-garage with whos owners I was befriended as good neighbors, was feeding the garage-cat when they had been in holiday, had keys then, I lived in the flat directly above it. And they didn´t hear about too that time and went up with me to see on TV and I said then "This will cause war!" and that I am frightened and don´t know what to do then. And they said "No, calm down, that is a horrible thing but other things happened and there will be no war". And that I later thaught I wish I had been wrong.
Hm, maybe this is very different from a random german perspective and I guess very different to US-citizens.
@@i.am.mindblind Now I have watched it and two others. It´s still not a thing I can "grab". Is this a term used in english too? In german an alternative verb for to understand sth ("etwas (=sth) verstehen") is "etwas (=sth) begreifen". And to grab sth is "etwas greifen". So to "begreifen" comes from like grab on something to feel>understand by touching the thing what it is. Like if a blind person whould do. So it makes sense to me to use it as to understand. And if there is something You want to understand, try, have an clear idea but You can´t, it´s not grab-able, what term would You use?
But there was something different that was also a thing I am not able to "grab". You appear somehow different to me on those videos that are just a year old. So I watched some, had this feeling at all but can´t say what it is. Again interesting to me. It´s not worse or better, just different. Hmmm. And it´s not that the hair is different (no bang) or make-up, it´s something how You appear at all.
Is this a thing I see or is it something You or others do too, know about and can name?
I'm autistic and have been unmasking, settling into myself. This whole channel is a vlog of me learning who I am after a late diagnosis. And I've definitely changed a lot since I started the channel! 😊
@@i.am.mindblind so it's the unmasking?
I wonder how it will appear on myself as I have no photographs from me of cause and nobody near who would see.
Maybe it would help to write a cheat sheet of the keywords you decide to use in searchable notes.
I've tried that, but the couple times I didn't have my sheet with me, I'd screw up my system. I did have it on paper because it was during my bullet journaling phase.
I have aphantasia and SDAM as well. I also have ADHD as well. I'm struggling with moving and not remembering how I would pack and not able to think how it will unfold.
It's like your my curly haired sister. It's unbelievable. Have you ever done the Myers Briggs test online? I'm curious what yours is.
I haven't done one in many years. I'm sure it's changed since unmasking! Curls are so fun! I hope you love yours as much as I love mine. ❤️
Is SDAM a spectrum? I always say that I have “Swiss cheese memory”. I remember some experiences but many I don’t. It’s frustrating but I always just thought that “it is what it is”. 🤷🏻♀️
I think most brain things are a spectrum. It's called Severly Deficient Autobiographical Memory. Not complete Autobiographical memory. So it's possible. A couple things to keep in mind, it's lifelong and ongoing. I don't remember my childhood, but I also don't remember three months ago. If your memory loss is all just the past it's probably something else. There are actually a lot of reasons for memory loss. If yours is lifelong and ongoing and effecting autobiographical memory specifically then it's possible!
@@i.am.mindblind thank you for your response! Sometimes I forget things (mostly the details) that are more current but I have holes in my memory from childhood up until now. I will definitely look into SDAM a bit more. Thank you for sharing your journey! 💖
You could be gaslighted and lied to very easily. Does that worry you?
Yes and no. I know my moral compass so if someone says I did something that I just feel I'd never do, I know to question it.