You just gave me the big realization that I've internalized allistic speech too. And making me reflect on what other allistic behavioral expectations I've internalized and possibly judge other neurodivergent folks for them.
My best friend helped me get my autistic diagnosis. She recently said she was so happy I ended up being her best friend. Because, when I got diagnosed, I spent years learning so much (still feel like I know nothing). All that research and listening to other autistics helped me know a lot about myself, but also made my friends life easier cause she doesn’t have to filter or code switch with me. She often apologizes for seeming rude, but I tell her she wasn’t rude to me and I appreciate her directness. Or she will apologize for not making sense and I then reiterate what she said to me and what I understood. She told me I make life so much easier and her feel less misunderstood. It was the best compliment as an autistic person myself to hear how comfortable she is and loves being my friend.
I’ve gotten so mad at the regurgitated responses of, “That sounds so rough. You have ever reason to be upset. I can’t even fathom dealing with that myself.” It sounds pedantic and pandering- you’re just doing the therapist speak. Its meaningless. It’s empty. I loaaathe it. I had to tell my therapist before to avoid that, because I know why that’s said and it is irritating to me. Cause I want to know the behaviors behind my struggles- I want the why answers- I need to pathologize and apply my issues logically so I can understand how to work through it. I don’t need my feelings affirmed right now! Is that just me?
9:44 Oh my gosh yeah, please dont use "slow" when you dont mean "slow"! I am "slow" like, speed-wise. Once I told a friend I was "slow" (because I needed her to slow down and give me more time). She suddenly argued (in my defense) as if I said something offensive about myself "no you aint slow" and I get the feeling she thought I meant Stupid. No, I meant slow, as in, not so fast.
to be fair they do see the statement of slow as an offense like retarded is treated like such a bad word but in its initial use it meant to slow down cause that's what fire extinguishers were called to begin with and then the word got used to describe something about people which makes sense in that regard cause that's how words work!
I so relate to this. I have never been able to establish habit. I have always felt the main difference with my autism is that thinks allistic people do automatically without thinking I have to put conscious thought and analyze every time I have to do it, even if it is a task I have to do on a regular basis.
Thanks Amanda In this video you talk about how autistic communication style is to share relatable stories, where as alistics see this style as trying to steal the stage. I did not know I was autistic when growing up and was not aware this style was normal for someone like me. Instead I thought it was a flaw. So to avoid being seen as too self centered, I would do my best not to speak this way. But that just made it more difficult to talk to others, because it didn't feel natural, so I would not speak unless asked a direct question. One benefit of this though was I preferred to be around people who talk a lot. There are a few people like this I work with that I catch the train with some times. They do most of the talking and I just mostly listen. Which makes them feel good for being listened to, and I feel good too because there is less chance for me to feel awkward revealing what I thought where flaws in my communication style. Thanks to your video and others like this, I now realize my communication style was not a flaw, I'm not being self centered and this is normal for someone like me. I think my attempts to stop it was just masking, and shows that I was not being self centered, otherwise I would not have masked it to fit in. I love your analogy for what its like for Autistics communicating with each other. My wife has a friend who was diagnosed recently. Even though she does not want others in my wife's friend circle to know she is Autistic, we can speak to each other naturally without mentioning anything about autism and no one else around us except my wife realises we are just two autistics communicating without any problems.
11:40 My mom once told me, she would like me to say "aww poor baby" when she has told me she is experiencing something she doesnt like. It felt weird to me to say "aww poor baby" but she said she likes it. 🙄
I think people with ADHD have a tough time forming habits. I think we can create routines and it’s easier to follow routines than it is to remember and or stick to habits. The routines can actually lead to creating longterm habits. Habits have no tether where as routines do and I think that’s why routines are easier to follow. With a routine you can forget a step, but still be able to follow the routine and then remember the missed step, because each step is tethered together. If you get bored which we often do, you can add variety to the routine, change it up, but still accomplish your task or goal. Hopefully that makes sense. 😅
I invite you to watch my video on habits, I definitely talk about routines too! Routines are so helpful but if something disrupts them, they can disapate. Where a habit is something not easily broken.
great analogy! i think i just found your channel a couple days ago, and I've been enjoying your explanations very much! also, hair is always a crazy challenge✌️🤪 but a worthy one! ps. sometimes i mention this but are you aware of Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication thing? pretty sure the guy cracked the code for some neurotypical-divergent crosstalk, and even though it's not a silver bullet all the time, i found it enlightening and can usually recommend checking it out ps2. the ps is longer than the og comment bc really i wanna make multiple comments which isn't legal in my country i'm just joking it's time to drink my third coffee what could possibly go wrong 🤪
Just mulling over some thoughts from this video and one thing I was thinking about allistic vs autistic empathetic communication is that autistic story sharing keeps both people on the same level of vulnerability whereas allistic sympathetic phrases don't. Maybe that's why it can come across as condescending or insincere? My second thought was that I definitely have internalized the indirect allistic communication style (and it's intensified by majority Canadian culture also being veeery indirect/passive aggressive) and also the allistic "meanings" around communication. So I find myself both wanting more honest, direct communication and also taken aback/offended by it when I do encounter it- because that's how my brain was trained. The question is: How does anyone even unlearn that?
My partner is much better at masking than I am (he’s level 1, I’m level 2 support needs). I need him with me anytime I’m around people to ‘handle’ the interaction so it doesn’t go horribly wrong because of my unmasked autism… neurotypicals are a lot warmer and more accepting of him because he masks well, whereas they automatically assume negative things about me. It’s helped him get a career, make friends, etc whereas I don’t have a job or friends 🤷🏻♀️ so yes, masking is bad for your mental health, but damn I wish I could mask more effectively sometimes 😭
I been ripping my mask off because I get along better with my soulmate without the allistic behaviors I was tricked into having. I cant do a lot of the allistic behaviors I was trained to do, because I have grown too old and too tired to keep up the pace I was never meant to be doing. I take pain pills to counter the damage done to my nerves.
Yes. There are more undiagnosed women and POC because of society. Women and POC have to mask more. The "boys will be boys" trope allows for more (white) boys to display autistic traits and get a diagnosis. This isn't universal and there are women and POC that do get early Dx. And there are white men who don't. On average it takes a woman 7 years from the first time she inquire about mental health to getting a diagnosis of Autism. Usually with one or two misdiagnoses along the way.
You just gave me the big realization that I've internalized allistic speech too. And making me reflect on what other allistic behavioral expectations I've internalized and possibly judge other neurodivergent folks for them.
It was such a big ah-ha moment!
My best friend helped me get my autistic diagnosis. She recently said she was so happy I ended up being her best friend. Because, when I got diagnosed, I spent years learning so much (still feel like I know nothing). All that research and listening to other autistics helped me know a lot about myself, but also made my friends life easier cause she doesn’t have to filter or code switch with me. She often apologizes for seeming rude, but I tell her she wasn’t rude to me and I appreciate her directness. Or she will apologize for not making sense and I then reiterate what she said to me and what I understood. She told me I make life so much easier and her feel less misunderstood. It was the best compliment as an autistic person myself to hear how comfortable she is and loves being my friend.
I’ve gotten so mad at the regurgitated responses of, “That sounds so rough. You have ever reason to be upset. I can’t even fathom dealing with that myself.” It sounds pedantic and pandering- you’re just doing the therapist speak. Its meaningless. It’s empty. I loaaathe it.
I had to tell my therapist before to avoid that, because I know why that’s said and it is irritating to me. Cause I want to know the behaviors behind my struggles- I want the why answers- I need to pathologize and apply my issues logically so I can understand how to work through it. I don’t need my feelings affirmed right now!
Is that just me?
9:44 Oh my gosh yeah, please dont use "slow" when you dont mean "slow"!
I am "slow" like, speed-wise. Once I told a friend I was "slow" (because I needed her to slow down and give me more time). She suddenly argued (in my defense) as if I said something offensive about myself "no you aint slow" and I get the feeling she thought I meant Stupid. No, I meant slow, as in, not so fast.
to be fair they do see the statement of slow as an offense like retarded is treated like such a bad word but in its initial use it meant to slow down cause that's what fire extinguishers were called to begin with and then the word got used to describe something about people which makes sense in that regard cause that's how words work!
You explain it very well, how I think and speak. Thank you for giving us a voice!
Thank you! ☺️
I so relate to this. I have never been able to establish habit. I have always felt the main difference with my autism is that thinks allistic people do automatically without thinking I have to put conscious thought and analyze every time I have to do it, even if it is a task I have to do on a regular basis.
Yes exactly! I hope you check out my video on adhd habits were I go into more detail ☺️
Thanks Amanda
In this video you talk about how autistic communication style is to share relatable stories, where as alistics see this style as trying to steal the stage. I did not know I was autistic when growing up and was not aware this style was normal for someone like me. Instead I thought it was a flaw. So to avoid being seen as too self centered, I would do my best not to speak this way. But that just made it more difficult to talk to others, because it didn't feel natural, so I would not speak unless asked a direct question. One benefit of this though was I preferred to be around people who talk a lot. There are a few people like this I work with that I catch the train with some times. They do most of the talking and I just mostly listen. Which makes them feel good for being listened to, and I feel good too because there is less chance for me to feel awkward revealing what I thought where flaws in my communication style.
Thanks to your video and others like this, I now realize my communication style was not a flaw, I'm not being self centered and this is normal for someone like me. I think my attempts to stop it was just masking, and shows that I was not being self centered, otherwise I would not have masked it to fit in.
I love your analogy for what its like for Autistics communicating with each other. My wife has a friend who was diagnosed recently. Even though she does not want others in my wife's friend circle to know she is Autistic, we can speak to each other naturally without mentioning anything about autism and no one else around us except my wife realises we are just two autistics communicating without any problems.
11:40 My mom once told me, she would like me to say "aww poor baby" when she has told me she is experiencing something she doesnt like. It felt weird to me to say "aww poor baby" but she said she likes it. 🙄
Buzzed back and sides with a lil mop on top would be cute! I’m glad your new PT is good, the right PT makes all the difference!
It's so interesting thinking about the different communication styles! I'm glad you're seeing improvements with your health!
It's really wild how much we do communicate on so many different levels.
Here are happy thoughts toward your upcoming hair adventure. I can't wait to see what you will choose.
Thanks! There is a chance I change my mind, but I've been thinking on it a few weeks so I think I'm set. Plus, it's just hair, it grows back. ☺️
You do so well explaining. Well done ❤
Thank you. ❤️
Thanks for your incite, my cat says hi again.
I hope you liked the video. Thanks for watching
Yes I did.....
I think people with ADHD have a tough time forming habits. I think we can create routines and it’s easier to follow routines than it is to remember and or stick to habits. The routines can actually lead to creating longterm habits. Habits have no tether where as routines do and I think that’s why routines are easier to follow. With a routine you can forget a step, but still be able to follow the routine and then remember the missed step, because each step is tethered together. If you get bored which we often do, you can add variety to the routine, change it up, but still accomplish your task or goal. Hopefully that makes sense. 😅
Try having both Autism & ADHD. Balancing both is overwhelming. Medication helps but only for 12 hours a day.
I invite you to watch my video on habits, I definitely talk about routines too! Routines are so helpful but if something disrupts them, they can disapate. Where a habit is something not easily broken.
so apt and well explained
Thank you, I'm glad it landed!
Hello Amanda. Listening. 💕NonnaGrace 🐓
Your Spanish story reminded me of my father. His first language was Italian 💕NonnaGrace 🐓
You’re a very intelligent person. 💕NonnaGrace 🐓
great analogy! i think i just found your channel a couple days ago, and I've been enjoying your explanations very much! also, hair is always a crazy challenge✌️🤪 but a worthy one!
ps. sometimes i mention this but are you aware of Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication thing? pretty sure the guy cracked the code for some neurotypical-divergent crosstalk, and even though it's not a silver bullet all the time, i found it enlightening and can usually recommend checking it out
ps2. the ps is longer than the og comment bc really i wanna make multiple comments which isn't legal in my country i'm just joking it's time to drink my third coffee what could possibly go wrong 🤪
Thank you! I fully understand the need for extra PSs or parentheses. I haven't heard of Marshall, but I'll look him up!
I actually had really long hair then it went short. You’re going to look really cute with a pixie cut. 💕NonnaGrace 🐓
❤
💚
I have both Autism 2 & ADHD 2
Just mulling over some thoughts from this video and one thing I was thinking about allistic vs autistic empathetic communication is that autistic story sharing keeps both people on the same level of vulnerability whereas allistic sympathetic phrases don't. Maybe that's why it can come across as condescending or insincere?
My second thought was that I definitely have internalized the indirect allistic communication style (and it's intensified by majority Canadian culture also being veeery indirect/passive aggressive) and also the allistic "meanings" around communication. So I find myself both wanting more honest, direct communication and also taken aback/offended by it when I do encounter it- because that's how my brain was trained. The question is: How does anyone even unlearn that?
i have no habits, i have systems
exactly!
Your face really shows you're feeling less pain.
It's really amazing how much pain effects everything.
It's a really amazing how pain effects everything
My partner is much better at masking than I am (he’s level 1, I’m level 2 support needs). I need him with me anytime I’m around people to ‘handle’ the interaction so it doesn’t go horribly wrong because of my unmasked autism… neurotypicals are a lot warmer and more accepting of him because he masks well, whereas they automatically assume negative things about me. It’s helped him get a career, make friends, etc whereas I don’t have a job or friends 🤷🏻♀️ so yes, masking is bad for your mental health, but damn I wish I could mask more effectively sometimes 😭
Yeah… I feel like just saying “that must be frustrating” is fake. I want to know they understand me.
I never understood why people would talk that way until recently.
@@i.am.mindblind Same here! I try to do it if I think the person needs to hear it. But i definitely tell a short story to show I understand.
I never lerned to speak allistic, I don't believe I'm able to. I wish I could!
Sometimes I'm not sure I can either!
I been ripping my mask off because I get along better with my soulmate without the allistic behaviors I was tricked into having. I cant do a lot of the allistic behaviors I was trained to do, because I have grown too old and too tired to keep up the pace I was never meant to be doing. I take pain pills to counter the damage done to my nerves.
Are their many men going thru this also? I feel just that bit more alone dealing with the anecdotal number of neurodivergent women. Luv yall but ...
Yes. There are more undiagnosed women and POC because of society. Women and POC have to mask more. The "boys will be boys" trope allows for more (white) boys to display autistic traits and get a diagnosis. This isn't universal and there are women and POC that do get early Dx. And there are white men who don't. On average it takes a woman 7 years from the first time she inquire about mental health to getting a diagnosis of Autism. Usually with one or two misdiagnoses along the way.
I would love to grow my channel too. 💕NonnaGrace 🐓