I have the trait that I leave comments on people's channels about something that's similar that's happened to me and when I read through other's comments they always say things just about the person whose channel it is. I think another personal story might be interesting to hear too.
I agree, I love it when people leave relatable stories in my comments. It gets so boring when they all are about me. Lol, I'd much rather hear how what I had to say reminds you of something that relates to you. 😁
Funny and not with all but a few friends we have AuDHD multi convos all at once... And we are all understanding. The stuff that confuses the heck outta those different from us. Not bad, just different. It's neat when we can free flow thru a varying conversation wherever it will go.
See, and that's exactly what makes conversation with other neurodivergent people so much more interesting! The conversations range widely, but still come back eventually if the topic is still of interest. @@EricAllenGriff
Omg I never even thought of this but 100% same. I can have a comment about p.much anything in the entire world. It's something I've been mostly admonished for but occasionally complimented for and now that I'm a full adult (30+) I realize it really IS more of a strength than a weakness. At least when you can get control of the gas and brake pedals. But otherwise I can basically 'yes, and..." anything from anyone forever as long as they're willing to play. (I called that "here's something about me, now you go" badminton communication in a diff comment and it really does feel like actual PLAYing to me. That's part of why 'serious' conversations freak me out so much.) What I personally notice is that my comments are often like you say. It was me responding to the same prompt the video maker was responding to. "Another answer" to the same question, basically. Then I look in comments and 80-90% are, instead, people having '1-step' (Ie not 'fractal', not multi-branching, singular and one-track) emotional reactions to what was actually, concretely said in the video. Always gives me a strong sense of embarrassment after I've already wrote my 5 paragraph response and 99% of the people above and below me went "Lol when you said bingus". Funny how it mirrors the same type of social 'too much' rejection I was experiencing so often in school and even work, and why I am, generally, a 'shut down' person in reaction. The only thing that screws deeply with me is when people just stop responding. I don't know what to do with that because I can't carry a convo on my own. Or if I'm forced to, then i actually do start to feel like I'm really monopolizing everything with my own thoughts, because what else do we have in life besides our own thoughts to talk about? (I say, autistically perhaps lol... Apparently NTs figured out something else that life is made of to talk about? Enough that they call even a modicum of re-telling self-facts being 'self-centered' I guess. IDK, I don't understand and never have, prob never will. I am only aware of 2 modes of social communication: Self starring anecdotes or re-telling anecdotes of others I've heard, and talking about a technique or opinion about a topic, like a TV show or other work of art. I can't even come up with a single thing that falls outside of this range currently... hmm. Yea I got nothing. I guess maybe that's what all this 'small talk' is? Just like......... restating recent facts or something, like weather. Not that this reads as communication to me, just kinda gapfilling contentless nothingness.)
I’m a 22 year old medium support needs autistic and I find so much comfort and feel so seen listening to you talk. I talk very similar, and struggle in similar ways although I’m not really able to mask. Currently feeling overwhelmed from a long day but this video feels like a FaceTime with a friend and is bringing me back to earth. So glad I found your channel. :3 🍓💫💕☁️🌈
14:00 My mask is all about making other ppl comfortable, that’s how I had friends.. As a black kid in all white schools my main goal was for ppl not to be threatened by me. It felt like I had the entire African American race on my back to prove to these ppl that black ppl are not dumb or ignorant and that we can be very well spoken and intelligent as well as funny and anything that I felt like I was “supposed to be” at the time.
I’ve always thought of asd and adhd as the nts saying “because they are not like us they are therefore wrong”, which I strongly disagree with. There’s not something wrong, it’s just a difference! Thanks for the video ❤ (I hope you understood what I was trying communicate🙈)
I am so glad I found your channel! (Thanks RUclips algorithm 😂) I can so relate to you as I was late diagnosed with autism after having been diagnosed with CPTSD too. I agree that being an undiagnosed autistic for most of your life is hugely traumatising. Social communication is my biggest challenge. I have friends scattered around the country who adore me but also have no social “group” and most people I really struggle with and always feel “too much”. I used to be a member of “Sisters on the Fly” who are a huge womens camping group that love to dress up and decorate their trailers all cute and I was like “Yay these are my people” we went on trips all around America in vintage trailers and I did a full trip of Route 66 with them but I ended up going off on my own a lot as I get too overwhelmed in group settings. Now I’m homeless and live full time in my vintage trailer and have moved back to Australia. I have a RUclips channel that I’d love you to check out as I don’t have many people in my life who understand how much being autistic affects my life. My family have completely cut me off 😢 Oh I so get the being told I’m talking too much or self absorbed because I tend to just fill in the gaps of conversation with my stories and completely forget to ask people questions about them, and when I remember to do that all I’d get was one word answers and no details! 😂
I have a good example of PDA. I do small engine repair as one of my special interests. A friend of mine had an old mower in his back yard that hadn't run for years, and asked me to see if I could get it running for him about a year and a half ago. I had it running within 8 hours, but then made a mistake changing the oil that necessitated a complete teardown of the machine. I disassembled it, and then my PDA kicked in. I just got it running again yesterday. It sat disassembled in my shop for over a year because I just could not bring myself to work on it, even though I wanted to work on it. I had to force myself to work on it, but I should be giving it back to him tomorrow, barring any unforeseen disaster.
This video almost perfectly describes my communication style, as well as the social difficulties i face due to these differences. Thank you for the validation! It means a lot to me to know i'm not alone in this 💚
Thanks Amanda for another relatable video! As an adult unless I'm asking people very specific questions like "whats the time", I find it very awkward. I prefer to be with people who talk a lot so I can listen, because they are more likely to say something where I can ask a specific question to show I'm interested. There are a bunch of people like this I work with, that I'm very comfortable catching the train home from work with, where as most of the time I would prefer to just read a book and avoid talking to anyone. As a kid, I used to drive everyone nuts asking questions. Most of my questions were about things I could find answers at the library. So once I got access to the school library, that mostly satisfied my curiosity. But with social interactions as got older I became out of practice from being more cautious from too many mistakes. Now though I'm lucky to work with a good bunch of people that understand me, so I'm able to learn from them. The best part about it, is the social interactions are spread out through the day, with the actual work feeling like a break from them. Also because we are often busy, people tend to be more accepting of anyone being direct but still polite on work related matters, which suits my communication style.
Man same to all of this. I had my wife point out that "I talk about myself" a lot and never realized, because to me, I'm not talking about myself at all. I'm 'offering' and then going "Ok now you go..." but it's been super spotty whether that works w/ people. That much I did notice. it wasn't until my 30's where I started to realize not everyone is getting the badminton back-and-forth I'm expecting, and are instead just... idk I guess waiting for a stimulus that they recognize for a conversation topic. I'm def more ADHD/AuDHD than anything, and after trying to figure this out for years I guess I finally realized not everyone's brains 'light up' with related connections and related thoughts when any one thought passes across their grey matter like I (And other ADHD + AuDHD people report) do. I've heard reports that allistics need to be 'prompted' for their thoughts to turn, and otherwise just kinda go the same way they were already going and it blew my mind entirely. That was the moment I fully and 100% accepted that I have ADHD onboard, and I sure hear a lot of AuDHD ppl specifically talk about this, more than any other one community in fact. So I'm still very questioning there but allies always lead towards answers so far.
I also have a very strong tendency to come up with related connections and thoughts! Often when I talk to people I have to explain why it relates, though, because they don't see the linkages. My brain is like a natural version of that "conspiracy theorist's wall" meme where there are strings showing connections between every piece of paper pinned on the wall in multiple different ways.
"I talk about myself because I know a lot about the topic. I don't talk about others because that's rude as hell. I would PREFER to talk about ideas and things, but that seems to not be common."
This resonates so much with me, especially the friendship bit about 'I will share something about myself and then you will share a similar thing about yourself' thought process of 'getting to know you'. This has generally led to the non-autistics kind of just thinking I'm very self-centered and always trying to make every conversation about me, or that I'm thinking it's a competition, if that makes any sense. I am very grateful that I have found several extremely close friends who get me and don't judge.
13:05 My mother ordered me (when I was under 10 years old, an undiagnosed autistic girl) to not ask "why" questions, and in my literal mind, I obeyed her. I did not learn "pragmatic" social skills, nor learned why we have to ask "how are you?" nor did I know we are supposed to 'lie' as a response when asked. I refuse to LIE! Mom also told me that people really dont wanna know how I am really doing, as I was sharing too much 'real stuff' somehow. I was not allowed to ask why, for anything. I grew into a confused autistic adult... I'm glad she's dead. I am practically a child in many ways at age 47, as she only died less than 10 years ago. Only after her death was I free to find my own way in life, and not be obedient to her rules. I hear you (although, I am a month behind in my youtube inbox). I wish we knew how to make friends better too. I find myself with less than 5 close friends, and hundreds of broken bridges with ex-friendships. We both missed out on learning how to make friends in our unique autistic way, by the reoccurring denial of an environment suitable to our minds. My closest friends are ADHD and/or autistic people.
That makes sense. I still prefer to use the more affirming "differences" because my way of communicating is valid but it really is hard to navigate society set up for Allistic communicators. 😢
I have come to the end of the video. I believe there is someone for everyone. I found someone in my life who loves to hear me share my stories. Even if I repeat one of the stories about me, she is delighted to hear it again. I hope you find that friend for you, to share everything with, without fear.
Your hair is so pretty. And I love your thumbnail title -- I can't see it now that the video is playing but I think it said "if I'm too much, then go find less."
56 years in... I've come to the conclusion that a good friend is someone that is them self, and honest. Everything else good or bad just makes sense then . Free flow. Not masked or hidden. Blatantly out in the open. I can handle the truth far better from the get go then the crash later on when the truth comes out. What is real is important to me.
Oof, I relate so much. Particularly the "questions" part, I used to be a lot more open and able to ask questions without worrying that the other person would be put off, but as i got older, it seemed like more and more i was unsure of what was a normal "getting to know you" type of question, (and when it was 'appropriate' to start asking those questions of an acquaintance,) and what was an intrusive/too soon/oversharing kind of question, so i eventually stopped asking questions beyond the most shallow, surface level topics like what books/tv/games do you like? And lately, it feels like people are immediately bored with me and i dont really know what to do about that. I don't know how to be open like i was as a kid/teenager. Plus throw in the tremendous burnout i hit several years into adulthood and the skill regressions i had as a result of that and also being intensely out of practice due to extreme isolation--even prior to the pandemic--and it's gotten really bad. I miss having friends, and i wonder if i ever really knew how to find/keep them in the first place.
I was too in the past. Luckily I found a partner who could deal with my emotional dysregulation. With my few friends I try not to be too unregulated around them. I try to save it for therapy.
It sounds like you were an informal therapist! I can take that role too! I am trying to have more balanced relationships where they support me sometimes as well.
I relate to this so much and I havnt really founs someone who is like me. I struggle keeping friends and I also feel like people come to me for advice so they can go back to their real friends. I also put people in close or best friend catagories when I am only.an aqaintence to them. I over analyze past friendships and get really bummed and wonder why they ended.
This is so relatable! I too was that “friend” that everyone came to with their problems. I gave good advice (I’m terrible at taking my own advice though 😅). But no one ever asked about my problems or how I was doing. A lot of my friendships felt very one sided.
Another very good video and very relatable. I like the blurbs/little windows that you pop up to further explain, I often feel like that is what is needed in everyday conversations in order to clarify things with other people, but of course, that is not how the world works/or maybe it does, as you mention navigating friendships and communications with NT's, very challenging now even though diagnosed (very late, 40's), reevaluating all interactions and friendships through a half broken mask, work in progress and trying to catchup as a 50yr old teenager :)
Thank God I don't want friends. I've always wished I wanted to have friends, but just don't have the desire. Seeing how you are struggling with wanting friends, but not knowing how to go about it, really makes me count that small blessing. 😊
That's one way to look at it, and if thst works for you, I'm glad. I do struggle, but when I have friendships that work, even for a short while it does bring a lot of joy to my life.
I'm really glad I can help. Getting diagnosed for me was life changing in the best possible ways. If I can help others understand themselves better, that means a lot to me.
Oh yeah, I totally relate to friendships ending in non healthy ways. 😢 I am still traumatized from losing my best friend after highschool which led to a lot of destructive and bad times in my life. Do you ever think about contacting those ppl from the past for some not so negative closure? Should we just let it go? 😅
I often struggle with the same question, to go back and figure things out, never having a clear picture then, but thinking I could figure things out now, The whys/how's for what has happened, but never having closure or answers, also, still not being able to really figure things out, so think " best not to try," or " that may be weird for them" or "was that bridge burned?"
I am in the process of getting a ASD/ADHD diagnosis and highly suspect PDA in the mix as well (among other things). My hubby is ADHD and we are 163% sure he also has PDA. Our household is a real treat sometimes lol, but at least we can laugh about it now! Well, mostly! 😅 Thank you for mentioning that it may not be linked solely to ASD. ☺
I have simular issues feeling strong friendship vibes with someone but to them I am just an acquaintance. 😅 at least now in my process of trying to unmask, I will typically just ask straight up "Do you consider me a friend?" Or if I have a weird feeling like they dont like what I said, I'll ask if I did something to upset them or if I'm just overthinking LoL
I struggle with saying that people are friends because friendship has a checklist and I don’t meet those requirements. People call me their friend but I still can’t classify myself anything better an acquaintance. This has led to a lot of arguments.
Adhder only here, and I have so much hard time classifying acquaintances. I have acquaintances, everyday friends who are just acquaintances with a plus and true friends. PS: I don’t have true friends. Is it because we struggle with social things or is it because throw words around so damn easily?
I've been fortunate to encounter a lot of others who are comfortable with my neurodivergent conversation style. They are often also neurodivergent themselves! Those who aren't comfortable just don't seem to stick around, and thankfully it's worked out so far.
I think you seem a really interesting person; I’d rate you prime friend material ☺️ would also love a deep friendship or two, a sort of platonic soulmate… In a stage of life where I have friends aplenty (makes a very welcome change! Think I’ve found my tribe at last) but none of them are that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
My native language is hungarian, and it is very difficult language with difficult words, so a lot of the times, especially when I am tired the words just don’t come. English words come insted cause it is an easier language. So I speak half hungarian half english 😅
That's really interesting. I'd think your native language would be easier! Also, I've always heard English is so hard so I can only imagine Hungarian! Wow. I wish I knew more than one language but I've never been good at my attempts to learn a second language.
🍩 can sympathize 💯 its actually super exhausting to try to maintain appropriate conversation histories & boundaries w each individual preemptively, so a lot of the time its just Functionally Easier not to talk about anything substantial w anyone even when i Rly Want to just to avoid aggravating frustration thru dissatisfaction?? i have a v hard time weighing cost benefit analysis of interacting for health when accessible options & capacities are so limited now bc responsible adulting is always priority by absolute necessity, too. doesnt leave much time & energy for philosophy for fun, lol so idk how to safely expand friend horizons to satisfy social needs when everyone around me seems to be focused entirely on basic survival anymore, either would love more simulating conversation & topic exploration w friends in my life, tho! is this video also an invitation for like minded people to reach out & say hi to you somewhere? :>
Talking outloud to nobody, never did my thinking any good. I have had so many people tell me to write in a journal, but that never felt as clear or solid to process stuff...Having an audience somehow makes my thoughts more clear.
Ok. I am a neurotypical woman in America who is married to a high functioning, low support needs, autistic woman. I am going to push back, slightly on something you said. You said "there is nothing wrong with being autistic". I'm going to say that I both agree and disagree with this statement. For my wife, most of the time being autistic is fine. For her youngest brother....not so much. He is low functioning and high support needs. He will never get a job, be an independent person, know the joys of falling in love and getting married, or get to vote for president, even though he is old enough to have done so this year. For him, Autism is a debilitating disease that has robbed him of a real future. He is semi verbal and smart enough to know what he has been robbed of too. Three days ago, on the third of November, he realized that his parents, who are his caretakers, were not going to be taking him to vote. They refused because he almost always has violent meltdowns in crowded places and because he can not make an informed decision about the vote anyway. He isn't mentally capable of actually casting a vote since he is only about ten years old mentally. His autism caused such a meltdown at this realization that my wife's father(and his), had to go to the emergency room to get stitches and now has a broken nose. For my brother in law, there is something fundamentally wrong with being autistic. And one day, he will become my financial burden because my wife, who also suffers from CPTSD and panic anxiety disorder on top of autism doesn't work. My income is the only income in our house. But, three days ago, my wife flat out told her parents in a phone call that her brother would likely end up in a hospital or a home for the mentally handicapped after they die, because of his violent outbursts when things don't go his way. It made her mother pretty angry, however my wife was like "yeah the first time he attacks one of us, he will leave my house in handcuffs mom. Because being autistic doesn't give him the right to commit assault and battery when he's angry". Now, my brother in law is high enough functioning to understand that hitting, punching, biting and throwing things are wrong. He can even tell you these things are wrong. But he can't control himself. He hates being autistic. He hates his parents, who are both autistic and knew it when they had kids together. He resents my wife for being able to lead a pretty normal life when he will never have that. So, yeah, sometimes there is a whole lot wrong with being autistic. No offense to anyone. I am not discriminating against anyone, just relaying a heartbreaking struggle that someone I care about goes through daily. His struggle to accept his life for what it is when his autism won't allow him to emotionally accept or deal with his disability is the most horrible, sad, and disheartening thing I have ever witnessed in my life. My heart breaks for him each and every day.
There's nothing wrong with being Autistic or disabled. Autism is a disability and disability is neutral. Not bad or good. A variation of the human condition that needs accomodations, love and support. Absolutely nothing wrong with being any level of Autism. Also, autism is not a disease. Diseases are contagious. Autism is a neurodevelopment disorder
@i.am.mindblind I married an autistic. I do not think there is anything wrong with my wife. My brother in law is also autistic. He is too low functioning to ever lead a normal, happy, and healthy life. But he is too high functioning to be oblivious to the fact that being autistic has robbed him of his Independence, the chance to fall in love, get married, have kids and a home of his own. He wants all of those things and knows he will never have them. To him, there is definitely something wrong with being autistic. We tell him every day that he is loved and cherrished just the way he is. Funny thing is that our attempts to get him to accept his life for what it is, yeah they just piss him off. He is very resentful of the relatively normal life his sister gets to have. Us telling him that he is loved doesn't change that no woman wants to date a man who is basically an over grown ten year old. And since he will never be able to get a job, he is stuck on a fixed income for his entire life. He can't handle his own finances. He can't even get in the kitchen and cook a proper meal and he just wants to be normal. His IQ is quite high, but he will never fully grow up emotionally, and he hates being autistic with a passion. So, no matter how we dress this disability up with floofy, positive language, for some people, being autistic is not ok. Not only that, but his meltdowns cause him to act out violently against the people who love him the most. Which is also NOT ok. We all love him very much, but my wife and I are not willing to be punching bags for an adult man who is a hundred pounds heavier than either of us are. That means that when my wife's parents die and we become responsible for him, he will likely end up in a mental hospital. So you tell me, does his life sound ok to you? To me his life sounds cruel and inhumane. My heart breaks for him almost daily. I can't even imagine going through life with his outlook on life.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
I have the trait that I leave comments on people's channels about something that's similar that's happened to me and when I read through other's comments they always say things just about the person whose channel it is. I think another personal story might be interesting to hear too.
I agree, I love it when people leave relatable stories in my comments. It gets so boring when they all are about me. Lol, I'd much rather hear how what I had to say reminds you of something that relates to you. 😁
Yes, and I really like to hear that someone else can relate to my experiences, especially after so many years feeling out on my own.
Funny and not with all but a few friends we have AuDHD multi convos all at once... And we are all understanding. The stuff that confuses the heck outta those different from us. Not bad, just different. It's neat when we can free flow thru a varying conversation wherever it will go.
See, and that's exactly what makes conversation with other neurodivergent people so much more interesting! The conversations range widely, but still come back eventually if the topic is still of interest. @@EricAllenGriff
Omg I never even thought of this but 100% same. I can have a comment about p.much anything in the entire world. It's something I've been mostly admonished for but occasionally complimented for and now that I'm a full adult (30+) I realize it really IS more of a strength than a weakness. At least when you can get control of the gas and brake pedals. But otherwise I can basically 'yes, and..." anything from anyone forever as long as they're willing to play. (I called that "here's something about me, now you go" badminton communication in a diff comment and it really does feel like actual PLAYing to me. That's part of why 'serious' conversations freak me out so much.)
What I personally notice is that my comments are often like you say. It was me responding to the same prompt the video maker was responding to. "Another answer" to the same question, basically. Then I look in comments and 80-90% are, instead, people having '1-step' (Ie not 'fractal', not multi-branching, singular and one-track) emotional reactions to what was actually, concretely said in the video. Always gives me a strong sense of embarrassment after I've already wrote my 5 paragraph response and 99% of the people above and below me went "Lol when you said bingus". Funny how it mirrors the same type of social 'too much' rejection I was experiencing so often in school and even work, and why I am, generally, a 'shut down' person in reaction. The only thing that screws deeply with me is when people just stop responding. I don't know what to do with that because I can't carry a convo on my own. Or if I'm forced to, then i actually do start to feel like I'm really monopolizing everything with my own thoughts, because what else do we have in life besides our own thoughts to talk about?
(I say, autistically perhaps lol... Apparently NTs figured out something else that life is made of to talk about? Enough that they call even a modicum of re-telling self-facts being 'self-centered' I guess. IDK, I don't understand and never have, prob never will. I am only aware of 2 modes of social communication: Self starring anecdotes or re-telling anecdotes of others I've heard, and talking about a technique or opinion about a topic, like a TV show or other work of art. I can't even come up with a single thing that falls outside of this range currently... hmm. Yea I got nothing. I guess maybe that's what all this 'small talk' is? Just like......... restating recent facts or something, like weather. Not that this reads as communication to me, just kinda gapfilling contentless nothingness.)
I’m a 22 year old medium support needs autistic and I find so much comfort and feel so seen listening to you talk. I talk very similar, and struggle in similar ways although I’m not really able to mask. Currently feeling overwhelmed from a long day but this video feels like a FaceTime with a friend and is bringing me back to earth. So glad I found your channel. :3 🍓💫💕☁️🌈
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad I can be that for you. ❤️ I hope you have a good evening.
14:00
My mask is all about making other ppl comfortable, that’s how I had friends..
As a black kid in all white schools my main goal was for ppl not to be threatened by me. It felt like I had the entire African American race on my back to prove to these ppl that black ppl are not dumb or ignorant and that we can be very well spoken and intelligent as well as funny and anything that I felt like I was “supposed to be” at the time.
Yes!! It’s exhausting. 🤦🏾♀️👏🏾🙏🏾💜
Insanely relatable, transparent and profoundly validating! I swear, 90% hits home hard. Thnx 4 real 4 real. Hugs.
I’ve always thought of asd and adhd as the nts saying “because they are not like us they are therefore wrong”, which I strongly disagree with. There’s not something wrong, it’s just a difference!
Thanks for the video ❤ (I hope you understood what I was trying communicate🙈)
I gotcha! That is what they have said, but we're changing the narrative! 😁❤️
I am so glad I found your channel! (Thanks RUclips algorithm 😂)
I can so relate to you as I was late diagnosed with autism after having been diagnosed with CPTSD too. I agree that being an undiagnosed autistic for most of your life is hugely traumatising. Social communication is my biggest challenge. I have friends scattered around the country who adore me but also have no social “group” and most people I really struggle with and always feel “too much”.
I used to be a member of “Sisters on the Fly” who are a huge womens camping group that love to dress up and decorate their trailers all cute and I was like “Yay these are my people” we went on trips all around America in vintage trailers and I did a full trip of Route 66 with them but I ended up going off on my own a lot as I get too overwhelmed in group settings.
Now I’m homeless and live full time in my vintage trailer and have moved back to Australia. I have a RUclips channel that I’d love you to check out as I don’t have many people in my life who understand how much being autistic affects my life. My family have completely cut me off 😢
Oh I so get the being told I’m talking too much or self absorbed because I tend to just fill in the gaps of conversation with my stories and completely forget to ask people questions about them, and when I remember to do that all I’d get was one word answers and no details! 😂
I have a good example of PDA. I do small engine repair as one of my special interests. A friend of mine had an old mower in his back yard that hadn't run for years, and asked me to see if I could get it running for him about a year and a half ago. I had it running within 8 hours, but then made a mistake changing the oil that necessitated a complete teardown of the machine. I disassembled it, and then my PDA kicked in. I just got it running again yesterday. It sat disassembled in my shop for over a year because I just could not bring myself to work on it, even though I wanted to work on it. I had to force myself to work on it, but I should be giving it back to him tomorrow, barring any unforeseen disaster.
Its so frustrating when PDA gets in the way of things we actually want to do.
This video almost perfectly describes my communication style, as well as the social difficulties i face due to these differences. Thank you for the validation! It means a lot to me to know i'm not alone in this 💚
Thanks Amanda for another relatable video!
As an adult unless I'm asking people very specific questions like "whats the time", I find it very awkward. I prefer to be with people who talk a lot so I can listen, because they are more likely to say something where I can ask a specific question to show I'm interested. There are a bunch of people like this I work with, that I'm very comfortable catching the train home from work with, where as most of the time I would prefer to just read a book and avoid talking to anyone.
As a kid, I used to drive everyone nuts asking questions. Most of my questions were about things I could find answers at the library. So once I got access to the school library, that mostly satisfied my curiosity. But with social interactions as got older I became out of practice from being more cautious from too many mistakes.
Now though I'm lucky to work with a good bunch of people that understand me, so I'm able to learn from them. The best part about it, is the social interactions are spread out through the day, with the actual work feeling like a break from them. Also because we are often busy, people tend to be more accepting of anyone being direct but still polite on work related matters, which suits my communication style.
Yes questions about things are a bit easier than anything that may be considered personal in nature to me
Man same to all of this. I had my wife point out that "I talk about myself" a lot and never realized, because to me, I'm not talking about myself at all. I'm 'offering' and then going "Ok now you go..." but it's been super spotty whether that works w/ people. That much I did notice. it wasn't until my 30's where I started to realize not everyone is getting the badminton back-and-forth I'm expecting, and are instead just... idk I guess waiting for a stimulus that they recognize for a conversation topic. I'm def more ADHD/AuDHD than anything, and after trying to figure this out for years I guess I finally realized not everyone's brains 'light up' with related connections and related thoughts when any one thought passes across their grey matter like I (And other ADHD + AuDHD people report) do. I've heard reports that allistics need to be 'prompted' for their thoughts to turn, and otherwise just kinda go the same way they were already going and it blew my mind entirely. That was the moment I fully and 100% accepted that I have ADHD onboard, and I sure hear a lot of AuDHD ppl specifically talk about this, more than any other one community in fact. So I'm still very questioning there but allies always lead towards answers so far.
I also have a very strong tendency to come up with related connections and thoughts! Often when I talk to people I have to explain why it relates, though, because they don't see the linkages. My brain is like a natural version of that "conspiracy theorist's wall" meme where there are strings showing connections between every piece of paper pinned on the wall in multiple different ways.
"I talk about myself because I know a lot about the topic. I don't talk about others because that's rude as hell. I would PREFER to talk about ideas and things, but that seems to not be common."
Asking questions is the hardest
It really is for so many of us who were told not to do so.
This resonates so much with me, especially the friendship bit about 'I will share something about myself and then you will share a similar thing about yourself' thought process of 'getting to know you'. This has generally led to the non-autistics kind of just thinking I'm very self-centered and always trying to make every conversation about me, or that I'm thinking it's a competition, if that makes any sense. I am very grateful that I have found several extremely close friends who get me and don't judge.
i do the same!! this is amazing
Thanks so much for offering these insights and articulating things that I've been struggling to put into words. 💜💜
13:05 My mother ordered me (when I was under 10 years old, an undiagnosed autistic girl) to not ask "why" questions, and in my literal mind, I obeyed her. I did not learn "pragmatic" social skills, nor learned why we have to ask "how are you?" nor did I know we are supposed to 'lie' as a response when asked. I refuse to LIE! Mom also told me that people really dont wanna know how I am really doing, as I was sharing too much 'real stuff' somehow.
I was not allowed to ask why, for anything. I grew into a confused autistic adult... I'm glad she's dead. I am practically a child in many ways at age 47, as she only died less than 10 years ago. Only after her death was I free to find my own way in life, and not be obedient to her rules.
I hear you (although, I am a month behind in my youtube inbox). I wish we knew how to make friends better too. I find myself with less than 5 close friends, and hundreds of broken bridges with ex-friendships. We both missed out on learning how to make friends in our unique autistic way, by the reoccurring denial of an environment suitable to our minds. My closest friends are ADHD and/or autistic people.
Sometimes I can definietly feel my social differences as deficits cause they gave my such a hard time with socializing. 😢
That makes sense. I still prefer to use the more affirming "differences" because my way of communicating is valid but it really is hard to navigate society set up for Allistic communicators. 😢
@@i.am.mindblind true
I have come to the end of the video.
I believe there is someone for everyone.
I found someone in my life who loves to hear me share my stories. Even if I repeat one of the stories about me, she is delighted to hear it again. I hope you find that friend for you, to share everything with, without fear.
Your hair is so pretty.
And I love your thumbnail title -- I can't see it now that the video is playing but I think it said "if I'm too much, then go find less."
56 years in... I've come to the conclusion that a good friend is someone that is them self, and honest. Everything else good or bad just makes sense then . Free flow. Not masked or hidden. Blatantly out in the open. I can handle the truth far better from the get go then the crash later on when the truth comes out. What is real is important to me.
I love the idea of camping with a group of women. Someone meeds to start "Autistic Women Who Camp"! 😊
Sounds so lovely!
I am an autistic woman who camps full time as I live in a tiny vintage trailer! ❤
Oof, I relate so much. Particularly the "questions" part, I used to be a lot more open and able to ask questions without worrying that the other person would be put off, but as i got older, it seemed like more and more i was unsure of what was a normal "getting to know you" type of question, (and when it was 'appropriate' to start asking those questions of an acquaintance,) and what was an intrusive/too soon/oversharing kind of question, so i eventually stopped asking questions beyond the most shallow, surface level topics like what books/tv/games do you like?
And lately, it feels like people are immediately bored with me and i dont really know what to do about that. I don't know how to be open like i was as a kid/teenager. Plus throw in the tremendous burnout i hit several years into adulthood and the skill regressions i had as a result of that and also being intensely out of practice due to extreme isolation--even prior to the pandemic--and it's gotten really bad. I miss having friends, and i wonder if i ever really knew how to find/keep them in the first place.
Wonderful musings! Thank you for sharing your experience with the rest of us 🥰
I'm so glad you enjoyed!
I'm too much for my friends and even my spouse too 😢
It's so hard. ❤️
I was too in the past. Luckily I found a partner who could deal with my emotional dysregulation. With my few friends I try not to be too unregulated around them. I try to save it for therapy.
It sounds like you were an informal therapist! I can take that role too! I am trying to have more balanced relationships where they support me sometimes as well.
I relate to this so much and I havnt really founs someone who is like me. I struggle keeping friends and I also feel like people come to me for advice so they can go back to their real friends. I also put people in close or best friend catagories when I am only.an aqaintence to them. I over analyze past friendships and get really bummed and wonder why they ended.
Your content is so relatable !
Amanda = 🐐
Greatest Of All Time (autistic content creator)
This is so relatable! I too was that “friend” that everyone came to with their problems. I gave good advice (I’m terrible at taking my own advice though 😅). But no one ever asked about my problems or how I was doing. A lot of my friendships felt very one sided.
It always gave the illusion of being close with someone.
Another very good video and very relatable.
I like the blurbs/little windows that you pop up to further explain, I often feel like that is what is needed in everyday conversations in order to clarify things with other people, but of course, that is not how the world works/or maybe it does, as you mention navigating friendships and communications with NT's, very challenging now even though diagnosed (very late, 40's), reevaluating all interactions and friendships through a half broken mask, work in progress and trying to catchup as a 50yr old teenager :)
Thank God I don't want friends. I've always wished I wanted to have friends, but just don't have the desire.
Seeing how you are struggling with wanting friends, but not knowing how to go about it, really makes me count that small blessing. 😊
That's one way to look at it, and if thst works for you, I'm glad. I do struggle, but when I have friendships that work, even for a short while it does bring a lot of joy to my life.
Oh yes, exactly feel that way😢
Just found your channel and am thinking about getting formally tested... Your content is helping me reflect on it.
I'm really glad I can help. Getting diagnosed for me was life changing in the best possible ways. If I can help others understand themselves better, that means a lot to me.
Oh yeah, I totally relate to friendships ending in non healthy ways. 😢 I am still traumatized from losing my best friend after highschool which led to a lot of destructive and bad times in my life. Do you ever think about contacting those ppl from the past for some not so negative closure? Should we just let it go? 😅
I often struggle with the same question, to go back and figure things out, never having a clear picture then, but thinking I could figure things out now, The whys/how's for what has happened, but never having closure or answers, also, still not being able to really figure things out, so think " best not to try," or " that may be weird for them" or "was that bridge burned?"
I am in the process of getting a ASD/ADHD diagnosis and highly suspect PDA in the mix as well (among other things). My hubby is ADHD and we are 163% sure he also has PDA. Our household is a real treat sometimes lol, but at least we can laugh about it now! Well, mostly! 😅 Thank you for mentioning that it may not be linked solely to ASD. ☺
I have simular issues feeling strong friendship vibes with someone but to them I am just an acquaintance. 😅 at least now in my process of trying to unmask, I will typically just ask straight up "Do you consider me a friend?" Or if I have a weird feeling like they dont like what I said, I'll ask if I did something to upset them or if I'm just overthinking LoL
I struggle with saying that people are friends because friendship has a checklist and I don’t meet those requirements. People call me their friend but I still can’t classify myself anything better an acquaintance. This has led to a lot of arguments.
I struggle with labeling someone a friend too.
Adhder only here, and I have so much hard time classifying acquaintances. I have acquaintances, everyday friends who are just acquaintances with a plus and true friends. PS: I don’t have true friends.
Is it because we struggle with social things or is it because throw words around so damn easily?
I've been fortunate to encounter a lot of others who are comfortable with my neurodivergent conversation style. They are often also neurodivergent themselves! Those who aren't comfortable just don't seem to stick around, and thankfully it's worked out so far.
Omg you are explaining my life
I am an extrovert too but I can't handle too many friends at once because it is too much for me. I have 3 friends now.
Thanks for your incite, how is the book going?
It's coming along. I've got a few friends who are going to read it and give me feedback. Thanks for asking!
I am glad its coming along....
I think you seem a really interesting person; I’d rate you prime friend material ☺️ would also love a deep friendship or two, a sort of platonic soulmate… In a stage of life where I have friends aplenty (makes a very welcome change! Think I’ve found my tribe at last) but none of them are that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
16:00
What does this comment mean?
My native language is hungarian, and it is very difficult language with difficult words, so a lot of the times, especially when I am tired the words just don’t come. English words come insted cause it is an easier language. So I speak half hungarian half english 😅
That's really interesting. I'd think your native language would be easier! Also, I've always heard English is so hard so I can only imagine Hungarian! Wow. I wish I knew more than one language but I've never been good at my attempts to learn a second language.
@@i.am.mindblind hungarian is one of the hardest languages. For me english is quite easy and simple
🍩 can sympathize 💯
its actually super exhausting to try to maintain appropriate conversation histories & boundaries w each individual preemptively, so a lot of the time its just Functionally Easier not to talk about anything substantial w anyone even when i Rly Want to just to avoid aggravating frustration thru dissatisfaction??
i have a v hard time weighing cost benefit analysis of interacting for health when accessible options & capacities are so limited now bc responsible adulting is always priority by absolute necessity, too. doesnt leave much time & energy for philosophy for fun, lol
so idk how to safely expand friend horizons to satisfy social needs when everyone around me seems to be focused entirely on basic survival anymore, either
would love more simulating conversation & topic exploration w friends in my life, tho! is this video also an invitation for like minded people to reach out & say hi to you somewhere? :>
Another term that annoys me is "Co-Morbid". Thanks for sharing Amanda.
“Not a social deficit, but a social difference.” ugh brb cryin in the club rn 😭😂 27 y/o F with Asperger’s/ASD.
Talking outloud to nobody, never did my thinking any good.
I have had so many people tell me to write in a journal, but that never felt as clear or solid to process stuff...Having an audience somehow makes my thoughts more clear.
Ok. I am a neurotypical woman in America who is married to a high functioning, low support needs, autistic woman. I am going to push back, slightly on something you said. You said "there is nothing wrong with being autistic". I'm going to say that I both agree and disagree with this statement. For my wife, most of the time being autistic is fine. For her youngest brother....not so much. He is low functioning and high support needs. He will never get a job, be an independent person, know the joys of falling in love and getting married, or get to vote for president, even though he is old enough to have done so this year. For him, Autism is a debilitating disease that has robbed him of a real future. He is semi verbal and smart enough to know what he has been robbed of too. Three days ago, on the third of November, he realized that his parents, who are his caretakers, were not going to be taking him to vote. They refused because he almost always has violent meltdowns in crowded places and because he can not make an informed decision about the vote anyway. He isn't mentally capable of actually casting a vote since he is only about ten years old mentally. His autism caused such a meltdown at this realization that my wife's father(and his), had to go to the emergency room to get stitches and now has a broken nose. For my brother in law, there is something fundamentally wrong with being autistic. And one day, he will become my financial burden because my wife, who also suffers from CPTSD and panic anxiety disorder on top of autism doesn't work. My income is the only income in our house. But, three days ago, my wife flat out told her parents in a phone call that her brother would likely end up in a hospital or a home for the mentally handicapped after they die, because of his violent outbursts when things don't go his way. It made her mother pretty angry, however my wife was like "yeah the first time he attacks one of us, he will leave my house in handcuffs mom. Because being autistic doesn't give him the right to commit assault and battery when he's angry". Now, my brother in law is high enough functioning to understand that hitting, punching, biting and throwing things are wrong. He can even tell you these things are wrong. But he can't control himself. He hates being autistic. He hates his parents, who are both autistic and knew it when they had kids together. He resents my wife for being able to lead a pretty normal life when he will never have that. So, yeah, sometimes there is a whole lot wrong with being autistic. No offense to anyone. I am not discriminating against anyone, just relaying a heartbreaking struggle that someone I care about goes through daily. His struggle to accept his life for what it is when his autism won't allow him to emotionally accept or deal with his disability is the most horrible, sad, and disheartening thing I have ever witnessed in my life. My heart breaks for him each and every day.
There's nothing wrong with being Autistic or disabled. Autism is a disability and disability is neutral. Not bad or good. A variation of the human condition that needs accomodations, love and support. Absolutely nothing wrong with being any level of Autism. Also, autism is not a disease. Diseases are contagious. Autism is a neurodevelopment disorder
@i.am.mindblind I married an autistic. I do not think there is anything wrong with my wife. My brother in law is also autistic. He is too low functioning to ever lead a normal, happy, and healthy life. But he is too high functioning to be oblivious to the fact that being autistic has robbed him of his Independence, the chance to fall in love, get married, have kids and a home of his own. He wants all of those things and knows he will never have them. To him, there is definitely something wrong with being autistic. We tell him every day that he is loved and cherrished just the way he is. Funny thing is that our attempts to get him to accept his life for what it is, yeah they just piss him off. He is very resentful of the relatively normal life his sister gets to have. Us telling him that he is loved doesn't change that no woman wants to date a man who is basically an over grown ten year old. And since he will never be able to get a job, he is stuck on a fixed income for his entire life. He can't handle his own finances. He can't even get in the kitchen and cook a proper meal and he just wants to be normal. His IQ is quite high, but he will never fully grow up emotionally, and he hates being autistic with a passion. So, no matter how we dress this disability up with floofy, positive language, for some people, being autistic is not ok. Not only that, but his meltdowns cause him to act out violently against the people who love him the most. Which is also NOT ok. We all love him very much, but my wife and I are not willing to be punching bags for an adult man who is a hundred pounds heavier than either of us are. That means that when my wife's parents die and we become responsible for him, he will likely end up in a mental hospital. So you tell me, does his life sound ok to you? To me his life sounds cruel and inhumane. My heart breaks for him almost daily. I can't even imagine going through life with his outlook on life.