12 Hard Truths You Need to Know to Avoid Toxic Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 26 июл 2024
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Have you ever felt like you had to walk on eggshells in a relationship? Or had a partner who criticized you or made you feel bad when you were succeeding?
It’s often easier to see a toxic relationship from the outside than when you’re in the thick of it. Sometimes it can even be hard to tell the difference between something that can be worked on and a major red flag.
For today’s new video, I’ve gathered 12 of my most important pieces of advice over the years on how to spot a toxic relationship, set standards, and ultimately find the love you’re looking for so you don’t end up in a relationship that damages your self-confidence.
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:20 - Introduction - Hard Truths
0:20 - 1:16 - They Inflict Damage
1:16 - 1:55 - They Treat Everything Like an Attack
1:55 - 2:40 - They Make You the Bad Guy
2:40 - 3:18 - You Get Love From Them at Your Low Points
3:18 - 4:28 - They’re Uncomfortable With Your Success
4:28 - 7:30 - “It Should No Longer Surprise Us”
7:30 - 8:44 - No New Reaction Is Going to Change Them
8:44 - 10:32 - The Danger of Empathy in a Toxic Relationship
10:32 - 13:23 - Who’s Taking Care of You?
13:23 - 15:42 - Listen to Your Resentment
15:42 - 16:45 - Convert Complaints to Standards
16:45 - 18:07 - Don’t Expect It to Feel Good (Initially)
18:07 - 19:49 - Making Room for Real Love
19:49 - 21:00 - Finding the Love You’re Looking for
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Don't let your current partner stand in the way of your future partner.
Absolutely love this 👏🏻
Heard that one about Kourtney Kardashian , which is an excellent exsample !
That’s a bit bs. If you love him, work things out like you have no one left.
@@andrecrispim3209 the intention behind the statement wasn’t about leaving one person for another but leaving a toxic or incompatible relationship so you can find one that is better suited for you
Qui Quo Qua
I was married for 31 years to a man like this…. and then walked straight into a relationship with the sane kind of man.
I just left him a week ago.
Not feeling positive about moving forward with anyone! It’s exhausting trying to make relationships work when you try so hard… ( kids were involved in the long marriage), for years, and things still don’t change and you’re still like a ghost in the room. There’s only so much you can TRY to understand or forgive.
Perfect!! Because i’m empathetic.. Ive always taken care of everyone… but who would take care of me? After the divorce, I realized… no one.
Thank you for this.
Better to be alone? maybe.
Kristin...me too. 25 years. I feel your pain and know all too well.
Really!?
Sounds like it's time for you to stop taking care of everyone, and to start taking care of yourself. There's an undertone in your comment that you expect people to take care of you because you've taken care of them. But unfortunately, it's not always like this. Part of taking care of yourself first, is ceasing to invest in people who don't reciprocate the care you give them - so that you don't end up with a life full of people who only take and never give.
This has been a hard - but ultimately valuable lesson I've learned over the past 5 years.
This is probably the single best video MH has ever shared
I swear he always knows what I'm thinking about and will post something about it. I'm talking to this guy and I love him a lot to be honest but I wanted to make sure I can check if there are red flags before doing anything
Thank you Matthew. After an incredibly painful breakup from a relationship with a toxic dynamic almost a year and a half ago, I’ve stayed single, worked on my hurt, journaled, worked with a therapist, and watched videos from you and your good friend Dr Ramani, almost obsessively. I felt the content deep in my gut, like it spoke direct to my pain, but gradually I’ve began to watch less. As I sat watching this compilation video it was like it all still made sense, yet I didn’t connect with it so personally any more. Why? Because after all the hurt, the tears, the self reflection, the self work, coming to terms with my own failings, and accepting what my ex was and what she wasn’t..it makes me realise how much I’ve now healed. This video marks the day when I’ve found proof of how far I’ve come, and I am sending you my utmost gratitude, because yourself and Dr Ramani have made a genuine difference. To everybody reading this that has just started your journey of healing, I promise you that better days are ahead if you are willing to do the work.. 🙏🏻
For all the people still in pain, keep doing your best. You will heal and become a better version of yourself !
This comment had an impact on me. Gives hope. Thanks for sharing.
@@PetterssonRobin You’re very welcome..and I hope you’re doing okay. Wishing you my best..
No matter what we do, the insecure, egocentric one in the relationship will NEVER TRULY change the behavior from the core. It's all a coverup, lies, 1/2 truths, attacks, deflections, avoidance, denying, and name-calling to the worst degree. I just quit a 4-year relationship that blew up last weekend. My brain & heart finally came together and said "NO MORE OF THIS BS!!" No more empathy for all of his past trauma, whining, and hypocrisy that I tolerated. I'll miss the fun, laughs/inside jokes, and comfort level of partnership that we worked so hard to establish--so I thought.
I can leave partners all day long, but how do we deal with coworkers and bosses who are this way? 😢
I’m in the same situation except I haven’t left. I was so ready to until he hit me with the whole realizing the need of change and his problems. As much as I’d like to stick around to see the progress of getting better, I still am feeling like the damage is too far gone.
@@steezybri I feel you on this big time. My ex was doing well changing his behavior and self-destructive behavior. So I was cautiously optimistic and stuck around since we were supportive of each other and enjoyed the low key times together. The attraction never went away either. But when I found out his true feelings about a very sensitive issue around money/past, I threw in that proverbial towel. I knew that for me, I cannot be with someone who cannot communicate tough issues like adults AND pettiness with money.
So my question to you is, in your opinion, what are the traits that are absolutely non-negotiable? If your partner shows you the changes long term, good for him. But what about your needs, your standards (realistic, non egotistical ones)?
Very valuable information, as always - thank you very much, Matthew! I wish I knew all of that years ago because thus, I could have avoided 4 years of a relationship with a covert narcissist, which nearly cost me my life. I've been single for nearly 4 years now but I worked on myself, mainly through psychotherapy, and now I know the risk of falling into a similar trap again is very low for me now. I'm finally happy and know that I deserve good things in life :)
same here!!! and also took me nearly 4 years to get to the place you describe 🙏🏽
Same here, and struggling to trust or have hope again…. But determined to allow love ❤️ 😊
I think intentional narcissist or other toxic personality types have done such a good job everyone is walking on eggshells regardless as it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real and genuine and what’s a fantasy. I think to combat that the idea of a teammate in this video is a highlight because if it feels like you’re constantly teaching someone how to treat you well instead of asking for nice things or your style of romance then that would be a toxic relationship (plus the selfishness). Great insights!
I am staying single period. I dont need the extra stress of dating or being in a relationship right now. Busy looking after a mum who has dementia.
This is a very useful video for me, I had to learn a fair bit of this video's content the hard way, especially the danger of being empathetic in an unhealthy situation
Oh my gosh! You just reminded me of my ex-husband. He was exactly like this. Always blaming me and always telling me that I’m perfect when I am not. I was just living as myself. I was walking on eggshells all the time and for the last 2 years of our relationship I never want to go home anymore. I am so happier now with a new relationship. I am sorry I don’t want to watch this one. It hurts so bad that I don’t want to relive my experience, Wth sorry! 😢😢😢
I just love your material, Matthew! Right around 4:40 you describe exactly where I am right now. I don't know how many times I needed to communicate what needs to change, and it's not changing. I gave SO MUCH space and opportunity for this to happen over the course of 2.5 years. I LOVE how you put it into words this change is too big of a shift for this person. It won't happen. It happened and reverted back over and over.
AND you nailed it. It keeps happening, I'm still here (although trying very hard to break free. My ex and I broke up in July, but still communicate and still have sex on occasion. I recently told him we can't do that anymore, and I have to now go and heal, because the problem is no longer him anymore. It's because I'm addicted to him on some level and it's like just trying to quit any bad habit such as smoking and drinking. I like beer and cigarettes, but it doesn't mean those things are good for me.
If I stay, the problem becomes me not him. I keep insisting on a Cadillac relationship from a man who can only deliver Nissan Versa.
I keep on insisting it's not true. I keep on insisting on giving him a toxic level of empathy. Pretty sure we have that toxic chemistry you speak of where I lean more empathetic and he can probably be diagnosed as a narcissist.
This is my situation exactly. It's also been 2.5 years, just like yours. Matthew hit the nail on the head.
I know that feeling of not being able to “escape” and wanting him even tho he’s toxic
I’ve been going to therapy for 3 years, not regularly, but anyway my therapist said that I have a form of addiction and I have to work on that. I feel like I know how you feel. It’s tough. And remember that sex is powerful, men can dissociate and not feel anything but it’s hard for us women not to feel attached during sex. So that’s one of the reasons why we’re dependent on them
Run. No more access to him. Nothing. You don't want to spend 7 years crying over this or with the illusion that things are going to change. I was there for almost 7 years. He just crushed my heart til the very end. Don't waste your time on a person like this. Please, run!
@@solsticio3 I’m going to take your advice for sure. I must keep repeating to myself over and over the pain of losing him is temporary. The pain of staying in that toxic relationship will go on indefinitely. It reminds me of that song Tainted Love when we are together. Like it feels good on some level, but also somehow feels wrong and violating at the same time. It feels like I am betraying myself over and over by staying in it. It just sucks no matter which way you turn, but I/we must fine a way to preserve and give our lives time and the opportunity to change.
@@donnab8345 agreed and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone, thank you 🙏
I watched you years ago and I feel like your content has evolved a lot since then. It's cool to see your relationship coaching journey! 🙌
Thank you, Matthew. I can attest to the fact that implementing these steps is the way home to self love and to a renewed way of showing up for others. ✌🏽❤️
1 and 2 - last two exes were like that, 5 - last ex rarely complimented me but always eyed other women and when someone complimented me he would brush it off like I dont deserve to hear it
😢😢
I appreciate this information ❤ You very clearly understand this relationship dynamic very well. I love that you address how we can feel when we assert a boundary because it truly does feel uncomfortable and does take practice.
My ex was a great example. He flooded me with thousands of reasons why our marriage didn't work but behind the scene, he was cheating and didn't want me to know about it. I was basically chewed and spat out without knowing until his own sister accidentally leaked that he was with another woman, a woman who had basically stalked us for 30yrs.
6yrs after the divorce, i am still in pain. Not because i am missing him but how he lied and cheated behind my back. Betrayal is hard to swallow when you gave 100% to our relationship despite his infinity.
Mathew.. I love what you speak of. Whole you mostly speak of newer relationships. I'm in a rock on a hard spot with my husband and your information here speaks so much to me. I've been married 17 years and together 20. While things have mostly been good. I fear I'vebeen somewhat stuck in a conflicting balance of what you mention here. I'm navigating and your info really helps. Thank you for such good insights. 💗
This video is PERFECT and MAGIC. Thank you so much for saying this in just this way. SO RIGHT!
The only realization I that you have NOT come to is how much you need to love and believe in YOURSELF and how to draw a line in the sane that has consequences for them: I'M LEAVING! Our empathy gets us into these nasty relationships and it is only when we learn to stand up for ourselves that we create a boundary for how we will allow others to treat us. How do I know? Veteran of two narcissistic marriages and FINALLY learning that I just don't have to take it! Ta Da!
Thank you for this. After almost 7 years, i was finally dumped. He told me i was the one looking for him, i was toxic, i was obsessed with him. I barely remember trying to get away from him and he always hovering me. Now i feel like i should have done more for him. But I did a lot to keep him happy. He was really clear i wasn't good enough. What saddens me is that i had many attempts to leave the guy, i even moved to another country, but he wanted us to be friends. I was so blind i thought he loved me. So now, after all the humiliations, i am here trying to pick up the pieces of my dignity. I am paying attention to your videos, this one is really soothing.I hope i recover soon. I don't wish him wrong, i just want to forget him and move on.
You were in a situationship
Thank you. ❤
This is a brilliant YT channel - perhaps even the best of them all.
Beautiful words Matthew 👏🏻
Literally be thinking about this same topic thank you Matthew 🙏
With November being Men’s Mental Health Month, I needed this video. Thank you MH!
This video helped me immensely!!!
I can only say THANK YOU Matthew for pointing these 12 things out . Also typical that you mention in the beginning… the scorpio 😂😂😂😂…. I most definitely know now 100% that I was dealing with a toxic person. Only thing now is how to deal with this person because of my child🤷♀️
So you just described my past abusive relationship with a narc
Loving the animation!
I love the animated videos you make 😄 So fun to watch❤
Videos like this is just what I need I really hope you do a video on grief soon I have so many family members In Heaven and I’m finding it so hard to heal I really hope you do one soon have a wonderful blessed day
This is hard to hear. Basically sums up all of my dating experiences. Thanks for the enlightenment !! Appreciate you and your teams work/videos/postcasts/courses. Bought one back in 2017, totally recommend it even though it didn't work (how to get your ex back, was a dumb idea on my part and so I was glad that your program still helped me get on with my life and not miss him.)
Such a great video
Yes fantastic ❤️💯
Good morning Matthew hope your well I’m just writing to you to say thank you so much for doing this video it’s just what I need to hear to start healing I have been so hurt over the years believing other people then my self I feel now it’s time to just believe me
I am actually very good at avoiding toxic relationships, or more specific relationships in general 😬
Your videos definitely help me I’m a crafter I’m very creative and I let other people steal that from me not going to anymore I have been following you for many years I first heard of you when I saw you on Tic Tok many years ago congratulations on all your success big crafty hugs
Dear mathew...i just love the way you talk❤..love from india❤
Dating is terrible today. I have the book and have sat in on the video
My family... I distance myself, moved abroad nd finally i feel stringer and no depression any more. And they are angry that i dont see them so often. It still affects me, messages or calls are sometimes violent but to a lower than before degree.
Yes! There are people out there who use the past as an excuse for their present day behavior. They ultimately end up blaming their actions and behavior in the present moment, the here and now, on what happened to them in the past. These individuals MUST learn how to deal with their childhood trauma in the appropriate manner.
I just Broker up with my Ex. I cound‘t put my finger on the deeper level of why. But it is exactly this video. 😅
Evwry single point checks out with both my narcissistic parents. No wonder I chise the wring partner. Starting over at 30. But I'm not starting from zero. I'm starting from experience 🎉
Most importantly this describes relationships that are not intimate not sexual yet they are very toxic interactions you have with another person.. this video describes these really poisonous people so accurately..
I really liked the transition you made between identifying a partner as a toxic one, then progressing to say, "We're now the one complaining about old information." (6:01) and "Why do we still have speculative expectations, that are entirely speculative." (7: 09)
What a classic statement and insightful way to look at relationships, and life issues; for that matter. These are great ways to launch personal change, without self-blame.
6:56 right on, so important
With him. Feelings is a complaint
After expressing my boundaries and expectations to the point where I finally ended things, I was told I’m needy. That really hurt. Is there a line between expressing needs and being needy?
A response that assumes responsibility and is mature and kind is “I can’t/won’t fulfill your needs”. Calling you needy is blame shifting. Look up gaslighting. Sounds like you won getting out! Run friend and go no contact. 🩷
Gaslighting
I’m only at #4 and all weren’t just present: they absolutely defined my last relationship… :(
Hey how are you
The cartoon is adorable...LOL
is there any such thing as a life long relationship anymore especially when you're in your 50's? or is it just serial monogamy now?
Yes I have for only 4 months. No change just yo-yo Done
if someone tells you in initial getting to know each other stage, that they cheated on their ex wife/the love of their life, should you even consider them or just wish good luck and get out of that right away?
Good morning how can I get a question answered by Matt
I dont know how to put myself first... I dont know how to love myself.
Hello i want an answer please...i have no contact about one week now..and i unfriend and unfollow her...its bad or good id if i want a connection again during nc?
I have been there when I recognized the different btw him and me. Most the time it was me leaving the relationship or he disappeared and wanted to come back. I'm the problem in every case 😅 💔 he says I'm the person who don't wanna listen, stubborn or feel bored . but in fact it wasn't right to be together 🏋 again the scale. Who put more offered and who is able to sacrifice more than the other .feeling wax cold and no more fireworks 🎆 in our marriage that can lite 🔥 our relationship to last. -so.. Baby I'm leaving you - is the result
It seems we were both behaving toxic and I donno how to forgive myself
I had kids with him before I knew the depth of emtional hits he would give me. Now what
I fall in love in the summer, I have listen to all the advice. He look and look at me. He got happy when he saw me. He flirt with me. I did something about it. And then…. Nothing! I have learn when men stare at me, is because I am ugly! When his friends is staring at me, they bully me! I give up! My advice is: Don’t lie about love and don’t play game with the heart. Go and cross your male ego…. Men 🤮
Love the video man but the sound effects make it extremely hard to listen to
THIS
What I don't understand about our partners is when his wrong he will use the words religion because he want to correct all the time
That's not true jumping forth back..
Those are kinda obvious. I would like to know hidden things
Jeremiah 33:3 🔥
I want to remain single. I want a financial wealthy future . I need to provide for my autism spectrum daugter future.
You’re pretty much a relationship psychologist 😅
Please help 🙏 i can tell this is so good but I think I’m slower to understand these things than others and need something more direct.
I’m resonating with the content around 10:25 but I don’t get what he’s trying to say as the next step in what to do with being empathetic in that way. Is it good or too empathetic.
not sure how to explain it best as english isnt my first language.
You have to take care of yourself, too. especially in order to help others.
Sometimes it surely is needed to put others first. Meaning you put their interests before yours.
But many times its important to consider that you are the literal only person trhat you yourself will have to deal with for the rest of your life.
Treat yourself nice. be respectful to yourself. forgive yourself.
The order of importantance for people in your life should be, to my knowledge:
1) You yourself!
2) your partner
3) your kids
4) others
You can't have a good relationship if you yourself are not well
you can't be a good parent if you yourself and your relationship are not doing well.
simply put: Put yourself at number one. Doesnt mean ignore everything else, but you yourself matter a lot in your life, too!
@@thetute59thanks so much for taking the time to explain this. It was the part before that about the danger of empathy in a toxic relationship. It’s like he was building up to something but I only heard the problem and no solution to it.
Watching it again I think I better connected the transitions towards the solutions in the end 😌
@@SupertechUSA Thats a part I didnt fully understand either. I thought they could've ment that you have to be more empathetic towards yourself. Just seeing where the other person is coming from will put your own needs and desires too low of a priority. However this is just an assumption.
Do you mean the solution is the 4 steps he provides at the end?
The short way to say it is, if a person is asking so much of you that you have to give up on things you want, values you have, and give up on being content and happy today because you hope tomorrow they will be better, then you’re being too empathetic. A partner should not be granted so much power and self pity that you constantly feel like you’re sacrificing and waiting for the day you’re happy. if only they could be healed by how much you love and give. If that’s happening, you need to put yourself first. They won’t change and you will wait your life away being hopeful for tomorrow but not happy today.
Why are coaches going on and on about this stuff. Just simplify it. Do you feel good most of the time or not, then leave. This is giving me a headache. Women have intuition far greater than any coach. All they need to do is listen and act accordingly.
Yes, the First Red Flag must place you on High Alert and Slow down with caution. When the Red Flags continue, it's time to end the association. It will not work for your highest and best good in life.
True. Our health usually screams but we won’t listen
The problem is, we don’t listen to our intuition. So we then need coaches and therapy
People purposely use dark psychology :/ it’s like alcohol or a drug, anyone can be vulnerable
Straight romantic relationships all sound dysfunctional at best. My straight buds all say women want expensive dining, entertainment and all on his tab, despite the women also work. So what happened to equality of the sexes? Selective equality.
Jump like a kanderoo n smile
Give them a bone n say fetch it yay
Sounds like AI voice generated
Really!?
No advice for men. Sadge
Girls night should not be a thing for women in relationships. At least bar hopping, clubbing etc
But it's perfectly fine for the guys to go out with their friends.
Bigoted, much? Double-standard, much?
Whhaat?!
why not?