One question to ask about a problematic female friend
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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starring -
Melissa Macedo
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Michelle Macedo
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shot by Eric Lombart
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grip - Melissa Gasca, John Lee
sound - John Lee
edited by Ben Chinapen
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"The pain of continuing to have her in my life is so much greater" - this is for all the people in your life, not just female friends
YOP. That's what it really comes down to.
Wise words
“We should have equal opportunity for evil for women.” There are times I love these videos for lines like that. “Another potential con: Death.”
Mee too
I definitely want "We should have equal opportunity for evil for women." on a t-shirt, sweater and as a framed poster.
"i support women's rights but most importantly i support women's wrongs" vibe
🤣
Another question is, "do you feel comfortable sharing good news about yourself ". I am semi ghosting someone right now due me realizing their toxic behavior. They had a lot of the things mentioned.
Same, I’m still kind of confused whether I should just ghost her and focus on myself or maybe confront her but one is clear to me, she’s not a good person and I don’t want that kind of energy in my life
@@user-ff3ko4oz6l not sure. Personally, my confronting experience wasnt fruitful. I told this person repeatedly about their behavior and I was gas lighted each time. Examples of their responses- "oh (insert my name) , you know how much I love you! I tell everyone how smart and unique you are!!!" If I let them know the current status of our relationship and my feeling I 100% believe they would gaslight me again and then talk about me behind my back, in the form of being "concerned". Probably making me look like a big, sensitive baby. I also have the advantage of knowing this person for a long time (they are close family). They have been that way since childhood. I am not sanguine on them changing behavior. Also, I am not ghosting , I am semi ghosting:)
I'm in this boat. I tried semi ghosting but it still didn't stop them from saying awful stuff to me. So, after the latest blow-up I told them "at this point in my life I'm prioritising healthy relationships. I've sunk a lot of money into therapy and it's important that I choose people that make me feel safe and loved". Haven't heard or seen them since 🤷♀️ it made me sad that they didn't even seem to care about how I felt, but to be honest that was the most fitting end to the entire friendship. My life is so much more calm and happy now I can't even begin to describe it. Cut them off!!
This reminds me of a close member of my family. I'm semighosting them as well, and I do not share all my good news or actions with them, as I know they are always jealous, judging, and will put me down (while victimising themselves) or downplay my victories and happy moments. They don't value me truly, so I don't share myself with them. But I can't cut them off as they're family, and I do care about them. It's complex...
Why would you ever be friends with someone you couldn't share good news with?? How did you even get into this
tbh i had terrible female friends that would behave appropriately when left alone with my partner (no matter who the partner is) but would treat me bad
yeah that part is definitly none negotiable but it is far from being the only reason you should cut a friendship short!
Perhaps they don't see you as a "high -vaule friend/ woman" hence they don't want what you have invested in AND treat you poorly
They don't respect other women so that treat men better
Wanted to comment the same thing
I have a friend who only goes for rich, dumb guys. Given that my boyfriend is a broke PhD student, I would put them in the same room without any fear whatsoever. However, she is a horrible person otherwise - judgemental, thieving, superficial, manipulative, etc etc.
The "would you trust them alone with xyz" also works with abusive people in your life, too. For yourself you always try to find some way to keep yourself safe around them which turns into self blame. For someone else, however...
Mind blown! Thinking of narc-ish family members I'm always considering if there will be a "buffer" aka person around if/when I see them
oooooh riiiight
I love how quickly the conversation shifted at the mention of reality shows and murder documentaries 🤣
I swear this sketch was written by a woman. The characters act like women.
Female characters tend to act really odd when written by men. Generally speaking.
Yep, that's basically what I did when evaluating boundaries with family. My therapist asked me "if you had a child, would you trust [relative] alone with [child]?" Huge eye opener. Also "would you trust a relative to keep your hypothetical child away from your abuser?" Also worked. I'm not planning on having kids, but the question was still effective.
I was full on expecting "would you trust her to watch your dog?" because hell, I am protective over that little fur ball.
Exactly what I was thinking!
It’s different. If you don’t trust them around your dog, it’s probably because they’re not responsible. Which is not a criteria for ending a friendship.
@@frenchgirl5878 yeah but the same does apply with children and partners because responsibility is important in relationship because you’re more likely to trust a responsible friend than an untrustworthy friend
If they can’t be trusted then what’s stopping them from taking you for granted and lying to you?
I’m not female, but I feel like I could use some of this towards my own friends, if I had any.
Gender is a construct
Can i be yours?
theres no such thing as friends.
Ended multiple friendships like this, you have so much more time for yourself you can't imagine.
I relate to this on so many levels... I have a friend who I love so much since kindergarten but we're not compatible anymore. I trust her tho. But I feel like I get more negativity from her than positivity. I've grown a lot since the past few years and she stayed kind of the same, she has the same attitude towards life and it's kind of like I've grown out of that and I don't see it from her perspective. she influences me a lot and I love her a lot.... I don't know what to do, i would appreciate a good advice.
Note: we're 23 yo. So it's a friendship that lasted 20 years.
i have a similar friendship (she is my cousin but was my bestie) just like your friend she stayed the same like she is 15 or so but ive grown a lot and her bad behaviors remained. i couldnt separate her from my life but as time passes it gets worse. so based on my experience i think even if you tried to in maybe 5 years or 10 it would end atleast in both of your hearts. depends on her personality or behaviors. my cousin is jealous and insufferable so i cant keep being understanding forever. 🤷🏻♀️☹️
I’m exactly in the same position :( it’s really hard knowing what to do
I was in a very similar situation. I’m also 23 and I had to cut off a friend I’ve had for 10 years. She was not a good friend to me for the same reasons and she also took advantage of people. It was tough because I knew her for so long but it was the best decision for my mental health. I can see that you still care about your friend and I relate to that. The only thing we can do is give them that distance and hopefully they will realize what they need to work on. It’s important to focus on yourself and better your mental health now. Just know you’re not alone in this feeling ♥️
Hi, I have grown apart with my close kindergarten friend after 23 years of friendship and a perspective that is not often talked about but I think very important is the following. She might not be a particularly bad friend to you, but are you really a good friend to her? Is she wasting her time and energy on someone who tolerates her because of feelings of guilt/nostalgia or trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation? Is she better off investing her time in other people? I think this was the case with me, I did not want to hurt her feelings but I think I did her more of a disservice by not being honest with her. I actually think this can be a kind of betrayal in some situations, just like staying in a romantic relationship with someone you don't want to be with anymore. Of course, it might be possible to move to a more casual relationship for old time's sake, to keep in touch once in a while or become friends again later in life. But I think the best way to achieve that is to be honest. This is a very though situation you are in, I hope you'll figure out what's best for you ♥️
@@7ScarletRoses love your perspective!
When I've dumped a friend that really got me thinking to this point, I've never regretted it and a lot of ongoing chronic stress did end. It takes a lot for me to get to that point, but when someone repeatedly hurts you in the same ways after several talks about it ... gotta give up on this person.
no kidding
Anna's self restraint is amazing. I didn't once see her sniff the marker.
The magic of editing.
For me, it would be if I trusted them alone with my dog, and the list of people is super super short
A friend ended our mutual friendship of 15 years after I wasn't there for her during a difficult time, in the way that she wanted and needed. I had put distance (unconsciously) because the energy she has and the energy I had to give whenever we met up was too much for me to handle during times where I was mentally and emotionally struggling. On the one hand, it hurt when she ended it, because she also threw a lot of past mistakes in my face (from even 5+ years before), and because I had been there for everything else. But on the other, it's been a relief, and the type of friendship she wants and needs is no longer the type I can give. But it still hurts when I see her hang out with other people and I'm supposedly friends or on good terms with, but I'm never told about any plans. Understandable, in a way, but still upsetting
Wow. Mindblown! The one question: do you trust her alone with your boyfriend - goes right to the journal of wiswdom
I am trusted with all my s/o's friends because I'm ugly lol
I mean death is bad but that murder mystery show…has its benefits :)
I have this friend (well not sure if we still are friends anymore) who got mad at me because according to her I excluded her in a social setting, an event we went to (I stayed beside her a lot of the time but told her in advance that I wanted to be around other people too so I did) she basically didn't want to even talk to me about this and I had to be the one to ask her multiple times to have a conversation about this only to be met with "I'm still hurt over that". It's been a month and a half already. I'm questioning the friendship so much I might as well just leave the issue as it is and let it end by itself.
Sounds to me like you just wanted to be around other people from the beginning, but you invited her out of courtesy. If she was a good friend why invite her to an event and be around other people?
You are a psychic! I’m literally questioning the one sided relationships I have with a female friend at the moment 😅
That's hilarious, I have a friend that's almost all of these so I knew the deciding question was going to be "Can you trust her alone with your boyfriend?" And the answer is also a big fat no on my end, lol
Same, I have a close friend like this and I’ve been beating myself up for being “too jealous” or “crazy possessive” over my partner but honestly she’s the problem why I don’t trust her. Because she’s acting suspicious and shady even though she has a boyfriend too. And recently I’ve had a shady situation with her and my partner that cleared my vision. I now know she can’t be trusted
“Congrats to everyone who is early and found this comment”💙
i like to use "would i trust them alone with my mom" alongside the partner one. like, if you wouldn't trust your friend not to make a rude comment to your mom, judge her, or use the information about your parents to slander you in some way, THAT'S NOT A FRIEND
This is a great one!
Good point!
No one, and I mean no-one can put together such real problems into such a witty and fun way like Anna does. Never been in this exact situation myself but this could definitely be applied with any friendship.
I'm seeing 2 friends this weekend who are very chaotic bless them ❤ sometimes it's annoying being the friend who always shows up no matter what, but I know if I go through a chaotic phase they'll probably show up for me... hopefully... idk I like to believe the best in people even if I'll be disappointed :/
Believe me, one day they or future friends will realize how good and loyal of a friend you are and praise you for always being there. You stay true to who you are and good things will come to you. 🪬
Eh idk....the best in people is usually not who they really are. Because we're usually being our average, not our best
nobody shows up for you
The dog waking up at the end was perfect
The way I personally know a semi-problematic female cult leader… (the cult/her leadership isn’t bad, she just has semi-problematic reactions in her personal life cuz bpd which like, valid, but she’s always working on herself so…eh)
She’s also been on reality TV once so 😂
When I broke up with my ex, my female friend confided with him so she could collect stories against me. Sheesh, now I gained 2 exes. 1 female and 1 male. Best decision in the world.
I cant believe I literally am in this situation and I get recommended this at the top
*FRIENDLY REMINDER* | Laugh whenever possible. Be willing to apologize when you've made a mistake. Recognize when it's not possible to change a situation, and let go of the things that aren't within your power to change. Live your life happily.
Right now Anna. You are my Best friend. Your videos help me A lot. I hear Your stories and is like lisening to myself. Thank you very much
BUT THE CHIHUAHUA THOOOOO
Everything (beside the netflix) is highly accurate to my used to be close best female friend. But the backstabbing and playing victim is real honey.
I had a frenemy but thankfully she moved away lol. She was always making backhanded comments and then gaslighting me for being upset with her.
this is my closest (and only) friend to a T and it’s even harder when you know she has self-destructive tendencies and you yourself need extra support when living with an abuser 😞
Besides the cult part you’ve just described my “best friend”. And recently she’s been acting extra insane and immoral and I started wondering whether it makes sense to keep her close. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m confused whether I should help her (intervention or push her to go to therapy) or maybe just leave this relationship in the past because honestly anytime I’d tried to help her she would just not accept my advice and do whatever the hell she wants anyway. And honestly, the fact that I have to question the relationship and that I don’t even feel SAFE around her makes me realise that this is not a real friendship. Also, now that I think about it she was talking about dark magic to destroy someone’s life at some point so now I’m extra nervous 😅
What if we hang out with male friends who have a crush on us because we really like spending time with them and wéd like them to date outs other friends because they could both be happy and at the same time divert the undesired romantic feelings towards someone else.
Does it really need to be internalized misogyny? I don’t think so
For people like this that you can't necessarily confront about their behavior (due to their toxic nature), it's easier to do what I call the "slow ghost". This is where I start slowly pulling back my energy. Maybe start by taking a long time to reply to a text, not being as available as usual, giving more brief responses when talking to them. Then you can move onto maybe only replying to some of their messages, become less reliable. Sometimes the hardest thing is these people are so used to you always being right there all the time, so start to only be there half the time. Eventually, as you pull back your energy more and more, it becomes much easier to distance yourself and you also become less worried about their reaction because you are less attached to them in general. Obviously, most people deserve somewhat of an explanation when they are being ghosted, but if there's someone that you know will gaslight you or blow up when you try to talk to them, this method might be easier. Hope this helps anyone trying to get out of a toxic friendship!
I thought the ultimate question was going to be "would you trust her with your Netflix password"
i was expecting it to be "your pet."
Or "your phone"
I would also say that if anyone is a potential question mark in your life, ask yourself, would you trust them with your pets?
That's the real real!
Even if you don't have pets, imagine some.
Would they respect these beings that mean something to you?
To what extent?
Would they be given the bare minimum? Or treated really well?
If you aren't sure, maybe you don't know the friend well enough. And that's ok too.
But if they would mistreat a pet, then chuck them away!!
Sometimes you can trust them with your cat but not your physical health! Or ❤
2:37 she would definitely not sleep with him .she would make him uncomfortable by asking questions related to s e x y time like how he performs and how i perform. and she would get off on it .(like literally she gets off on pushing boundaries) .
Relatable
Love the discussion on cults you slipped in there 🤣
I have a friend exactly like this I'm not strong enough to end the friendship
The dog: I don't care. Just let me sleep, please.
Your videos are so helpful especially looking at issues in my own life. It became apparent to myself and a few friends that my one friend tend to be very possessive of males and tends to hurt our friendships with guys. But looking at this, I also have my own issues with misogyny, and where in the past I have tried to set friends up with guys that used to have crushes on me or even ex partners. Thank you for the insight and possibly saving a friendship!
The first 3 points for both pros and cons describes my highschool friend who i don't keep in touch with anymore
Anna: I have one question for you that will assess whether she should be in your life…
Me: Does she like/have cats?
Awesome job ana
Did I just waste 4 whole minutes of my life listening to the pros and cons of a dog friend?
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD finally someone else who also uses "levels" to denote how bad things are! I'm sold. I'm sold right there.
levels? can you explain?
@@louera she said "level 10 chaos" so not just normal chaos, it was level 10 chaos.
I like to imagine Sasha did this with Marcy and Anne
Thank you for this topic! All cons are for me huge red flags in any kind of relationships especially in friendships. They all reminded me of narcissistic traits and behavior or maybe another personality disorders. In my experience I cut off this toxic connections.
Evil should be equal opportunity
Joining the female-led cult of Daddy Netflix was nearly streamlined by now.
why is this centred around men?
I don't get this question because I trust my partner enough to resist whatever toxic friend I have. So what exactly are we not trusting the friend with? Just being appropriate, even if it doesn't go anywhere?
It is not about the partner. It is the truth about her being hostile towards you. It is the intention itself that is off putting.
what if we have no partner/spouse to ask this question with.....
I did not understand this episode at all, lol, but I love the Pro-cons list, I think I´ll start applying that, often.
Lol at the Banjo-Kazooie sound effects.
"The Gang Joins a Cult"
Best part of my day so far 😂❤️😄
Little doggy , treats and tummy rubs.
she doesn't talk to me unless I message her first. Also doesn't tell me anything. Idk why she doesn't trust me.
Who re-wrote the whiteboard in nicer penmanship?
Honestly never seen someone write with a whiteboard marker so nicley
Would've been awesome if they'd called her and Anna's phone went off...
Anna, your content is always top quality, I just can't stop watching your videos!!!
1:56 I mean, that’s true, there is already a Charles Manson, women need their equivalent, it could be called Marilyn Manson.
Like the rock singer?
Anna really loves these mustard color shirts, doesn't she?
OMG the doggie!!!
this channel deserves more exposure, her vids helped me so much lately
That's a beautiful floral top ngl
SASHAAA
Had a friend like that and I had to cut her out of my life.
This is so validating 💞
This kind of ping-ponging dilemma is how the mind works when it isn't driven by ethical values.
Ethics are a pain, bit they alternative is to live your inner life like a pin ball
1) is she honest
2) is she kind
3)is she capable
4) is she fun
People are complex and multifaceted yes . But the basic principles are pretty simple.
i can relate very much to that one. i also have a friend i have known for years and who i have been very close to but for the last 2 years or so everything has become more and more stressful and everytime we meet with a bigger group she always seems to find a way to make everyone feel miserable about themselves/or take pity on her at least once. i´ve already talked to my therapist about her since i don´t know what i´m supposed to do anymore. i´m also a people pleaser so it´s even more frustrating that i can´t bring myself to openly talk about those issues with her. i don´t want to lose her but i also don´t want to continue like this
U need to drop her for YOUR mental health
Sorry that's happening. I had so many drafts of letters I wanted to send a certain friend when I was in a similar situation, but I was always overthinking how to be more direct that she needed to change for us to remain friends. But it inevitably blew up. I had felt that moment coming for a year or two and talked to a therapist as well. It was kind of a relief to see that relationship combust in flames. If someone has been a close friend, I think it's hard to actually ghost or semi-ghost -- you have to break up with them.
I love you guys. My wise counsel of women.
I had a friend who was good one-on-one, but would always gossip about everyone in the group and sometimes act differently if we were out with the rest of the group, ignoring me
The first 20 seconds reminded me of all the times I gave relationships reality checks to others….I needed Anna to do it for me-ooooh a few years back 😮💨😅well, here’s to hoping it saves many more people precious time!
Way too early here
That top in the outro 😍
My question is “would I trust them to watch my cats” - that bumps them out a circle of friendship
Here I thought the questioin would be "would you entrust your pet to her".
One doesn’t experience self transcendence, the illusion of self only dissipates~ 🎈
Twist: she calls Anna
The dog casting is a nice change of pace.
I wish I knew where you got these adorable crocheted tops from!
Netflix is no daddy. haha
Indeed. If we have learned our lessons from Anna's videos, we all know Daddy is Daddy Squarespace. :)
Out of topic, but
I love her handwriting
Nah. I'm done with friends who don't show up for me.
nobody shows up for you. me of all people would know
....Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday
ehh....you know the guy motto bros before hoes? so the female version throws that out the window. negatively, women are prone to extreme jealousy, judgementalness, and passive/aggressively hating on their female friends especially if they are in relationships. :/
Is this what LA is like?!
Reminds me a conversation that I just had with my daughter! Lol 😂
Did anyone else notice the handwriting change on the board?
Hola Miss Akana and everyone ♥️
Would you trust your friend with your pet. That is a better sign. Humans are more complicated.
You're amazing, love everything you do 😊
Mmmmmm what about talking to the friend about the problematic behavior? No matter how it turns out, it’s a net good right?
I need friends like these :))
I usually set my friends up with guys who’ve liked me because I’m ace and genuinely want to be friends with the guys. Setting them up with someone ensures they stop pursuing me, while setting them up with my friends means they’re more likely to remain friends with me.