Yes, guilt trips are real (some parents cannot cut the umbilical cord) but let's keep things in perspective--it is all too common that kids dishonor their parents who have given them a lot. A bit of gratitude and kindness would go a long way.
John like so many beta boys needs to grow a pair and let it be known they aren't a bank or welfare agency. No his wife isn't sweet she's weak and STUPID and half of the problem. Saying no is a prerequisite to being intelligent adults.
My brother borrows money all the time. I only borrowed money once when I lost my rent but I got it back to my parents under two weeks. I felt horrible for even have to ask them for money.
@M Dac My friend, the fact that you are even writing this means you haven't got over it, as well as the fact that he makes no attempt to pay you, even monthly installments, or even talk about it means your relationship is deeply affected. I would sit down with him and say that you are shocked that he never brought it up, but what can we do to settle this debt, interest free, by payments.
I gave my son £36'000 for a deposit on his first house 🏡 a year later he started a new job so lent him £1500 to buy a new laptop for his job he said he'll pay me back £100 a month off the £1500 15 months later he's only paid me £700 back.
My sister used me as her personal ATM because she would lie about what the money was used for...until I caught her doing a drug deal on my mother’s front porch. Cut her off then and there. When I confronted her, my mother came to her defense. It was at that point that I realized my mother was in on the money leeching, and the drug dealing. I cut them both off.
@@nryanmusic Borrow from a bank, because it won't destroy a relationship you care about if you can't pay the money back, and it won't judge you for how you spend your $$ when you are still paying back the loan
@@nryanmusic Dave would say never borrow money....from anyone. If my family needed financial help, I would gift it to them. I would not want to put them in the position to have to pay me back when they are struggling financially.
@@nryanmusic you can give money. You just don’t loan it. There is good cause for this. Even giving becomes an entitlement though. We were burdened for decades with supporting my in laws. We found out later that they had more income than we did but had a gambling problem. So we were going without so they could play slot machines.
There are healthy and unhealthy relationships with money. But to avoid money scenarios with a person based on relationship status is nonsense as far as I’m concerned. I started a computer support business with a friend from highschool myself.
@@adama5929 lol. Some people you can't say no to if they helped you in the past when you were in need. If it ain't a one way chronic issue of people in good health and capable of going to school, I am ok with it. But, always say you need a couple of weeks to organize the funds unless it is a grandma/grandpa in her 80s who is not able to work.
Some parents think that you own them ... everything because they had you. I am almost 40 and I explained to them that I don't own them nothing. It was their choice to have me and to keep me. I am my own person and that's it. Boundaries.
Dam this hit home! My parent began depending on me all the time then it rolled down to siblings. I felt obligated and was made to feel guilty if I didn’t help. It was hard but it had to stop.
Went through something similar. MIL had lung cancer and had to drive 2 counties over for chemo. We gave them gas money until we found out she was buying cigarettes and still complaining about gas money. Had to stop. Sounds bad, but was not going to buy a person with lung cancer going for chemo smokes. Plus she had COPD.
The hardest part is getting them to understand. My husband pays for my in-laws mortgage, gas, insurance, phone etc. Every time I bring up that he is enabling them we have an argument. I just wish my in laws would realize they are being disrespectful!
Rosario Martinez This a cultural matter. When you grow up your parents expect you to support them just the same way they supported your grandparents (their parents) It's kind of annoying and inconvenient.
Genesis 2 : 24: That is why a man LEAVES his father and mother and is UNITED with his WIFE, and they become one. I am sorry you have to go through this Rosario. :(
A lot of cultures are like this...if your in law parents are in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s and healthy caregiving for seniors or kids is a good way to earn money or clean homes. Like all those senior care companies or privately.
Sit down with them and help budget their paycheck, including the plan to pay you back....do that every time they ask to borrow money, they'll eventually get fed up
So true, my mom is expecting me to take care of her financially in retirement. She is 54, and I offered this with her. They refused, then pulled the "I raised you! You're so ungrateful!" cards. I just say, it was your choice to have me. Thank you for what you have done for me in life, but if you want my help and my money in the future you have to play by my rules.
That dosesn't always work , because " they don't have a problem " and " we are ungreatful " and " they know bether " they are not going to listen tot they'er kids about how to hendel they'er monney
The quickest way to get people to stop asking for money i find is to ask them questions about it. Look how quickly they find someone else when you meet their request with 'what will the money be for?' 'what are your plans for this money?' 'if i am going to give my money to you it has to be for something worth while why do you need my money?' As soon as you ask questions most people will be like 'why do you need to know?' by the time you have gotten out 'its my money i have a right to know' they mostly are 'well keep your money then i will find someone else (mug) to borrow from' Just goes to show they see you as an easy target for this and don't expect you to put up any fight or any response just hand it over like a good little dog and roll over and have your belly tickled whilst they do it.
I had a situation with a friend where he he was forever owing me $50. Borrow $50, pay it back after he got paid only to ask to borrow $50 a few days later. Rinse and repeat. All it took to break the pattern was to say "sorry bud I'm broke". Had to say it twice within 2 weeks and he never asked me again.
I would think chronic borrowers wouldnt have a problem with parratoing answers that may be truths or lies for an hour or so if they can still get a decent amount from such work. I would take your concept and be like "Sure, this could be a win-win. I was going to send some money to my brother, but maybe we can keep the money in the circle if my niece can stay with you. She's a wonderful girl and I'm proud she's coming out of rehab. She's so troubled, we think she has schizophrenia and bi-polar, but I cant even be sure. She wont take her meds. And, honestly, I dont know how much that rehab helped at all with her methamphetamine addiction. Her parents just aren't in a position to provide the financial help she needs. I don't know how long I'm going to have to step in, but if she could stay with you or if you could help her with some of the things she needs, then I might be able to help with the loan. Now, this wouldnt be payment, I still need the money back. This would be a favor for a favor. Still it would be way better than to send her to some facility again, she's trying to lose all that weight she gained at the last one.
Here's what I'd say, "Yeah I'll loan you money, but first, please provide the following for my review": - Annual income (pay stubs etc) for the past year - Detailed spreadsheet of all expenditures over the past year, broken down by category.
Dave I always appreciate your direct manner in dealing with these things; so many in our world tiptoe through the tulips and won't come out and say what needs to be said.
I hear stories like this and it strengthens my resolve to take care of my business. I want to be a BLESSING to my adult children when I'm elderly, not a drain. My MIL and SIl lived together and could not handle money one iota. They never asked for any, just punished us with bad behavior when they were jealous we were doing well and making good choices. They seemed to think it was 'luck', not decisive action that was putting us in a good place. No, it's work, and these parents just plain don't want to do the work, they'd rather burden their grown children.
Some people cannot be helped. Unless THEY reach out and ask for that help......it is like being in a boat with no oars OR the boat has oars but THEY refuse to paddle. All you can do (at this point) is line the boat into the best and safe direction and get out of the boat. Kindly.
When you have a wife that can't say no to her family, then she needs to step out of the way and tell the family that they need to ask you when they want money. That lifts the burden from her shoulders and allows you to be purely objective about the situation.
If you lend money to friends - you lose the friend cause they make you out to be a villian for wanting to be paid back. - You may never see a dime. If you decline to lend money - you lose the friend as they make you out to be a villin for not "helping" them out, but at least in this scenerio - you still have YOUR MONEY. If you can see the request coming - complane to them about a "relative" that has borrowed a large sum and you are having finacial stress right now because of it. Cut them off at the pass - only works once though
Before you get with someone figure out their family dynamic. I come from a culture where you take care of your parents. No nursing homes no senior facilities (exceptions for safety) and if they are struggling you bring them in and take care of them. Anybody that gets into a relationship with my brothers and I knows that my dad is part of the package. We care for him together (he is disabled) and having someone else do it is not an option.
This is underrated but so true. I’ve avoided relationships that have a family dynamic that I can’t deal with. Nothing wrong with helping but there are families that have crossed over into enmeshment and I will not deal with that.
That is not the same, these parents are NOT disabled! They are people who don't know how to manage money, especially if they pay them back. I agree being an immigrant myself that I don't see myself putting my parents in a home, but Americans have a different advantage....they were born in America and grew up here and had a lifetime to get rid of debt and build wealth!
@N P yes because unlike other cultures we have a 18 and get out mentality. I have no loyalty to someone who raised me just enough. My dad is not American and his parents supported him through school and till he got his 1st stable job. No complaints or issues. Because it's a culture thing. I lived with my mom and once I turned 18 I was basically on my own and if I asked for something it had so many strings attached wasnt even worth it. My dad supported me till I got a job no questions
Well we are talking about two extremes here. It's one thing to take care of a parent who is disabled, has dementia, can't take care of themselves etc. But it's another thing for parents who just don't want to put in the work to fix their budgeting problems and keep asking their kid and her husband for money, they also need to save for their future too!! Also, I don't love nursing homes but many people who put their loved ones into nursing facilities do visit them regularly and often don't know what other option to take because they still have to work and pay the bills and don't have the ability to stay home and take care of them
Four places my money goes: savings, 401k, mutual fund, and Roth IRA. Notice that you don't see bums in that list. Don't care if they're family or friends, a bum is a bum. And a surefire way of becoming a bum is to give bums money.
People who actually love and respect you will never guilt trip you into doing anything. That's what I said to the last relative who approached me with an mlm proposal just before I disowned them.
My husband & I have had chase relatives away for this very reason! My side & his side of the fam, & our grown children we've had to say no to & totally ignore their begging!!!
My uncle and I have been going through this, too. Both my mother and my grandparents have had to bail them out so many times. Whenever a car breaks down or the phone gets turned off, they turn to us. I love my family, but money problems have been the singlemost cause of drama. I'm not sure what to do
This is exactly the advice I was looking for since unfortunately I'm going through the same thing with my in-law. Love her and have helped her unconditionally for years and that won't stop in other aspects but if we continue being her emergency fund, she will never learn how to handle her finances. Thank you so much Dave for your great advice. We will definitely implement this, we will be getting her FPU.
Same thing with my in-laws. You can tell they have money when they frequent the city. Then you'll know they don't have any money if the messages of "how are you?" comes even more frequently. 😅
This hit home for me! My brother runs our 86 yr old father and they are constantly needing "help". They wont move, read, learn, change and when dad passes on to Heaven, my brother will be homeless. I feel I should share the responsibility and help our father, but he just gives $ over to my brother. I feel like my husband and I learn, sacrifice, work and do our due diligence and they just want the $$ rewards of it.
I hope the parents get on board. I know of a elderly couple who stopped asking and went into debit at a cash advance place. It was only when the husband could no longer drive that they faced reality.
My in-laws think I’m obligated to them and it pisses me when they sound entitled to whatever I have, especially after they failed in planning for themselves. Most annoyingly is that they are people of means, but they keep asking for money like peasants. I hate it...
At their age and the length of the issue...they probably won't change...nor will she. I'm a senior, on your program, and I live in subsidized senior apt, and am paying my old credit cards off, and saving , as well. It can be done. Buttt.....a lot of older folks might have an old house they absolutely refuse to give up till they are physically taken out. In the meantime, they will pull out all the pity stops on everyone to keep the failing status quo. They also ...some that is....refuse to give up smoking and drinking, which is costly.
Ontheroadwith Joy Thats my 82 yr old father. He wont ever leave the Swiss cheese dump they live in, nor will he quit using credit cards. He talks about living paycheck to paycheck but refuses to change at his age.
I'm sure a lot of folks have to deal with a variety of situations. My feeling is...if you have to give them money...then they better be signing over power of attorney to you! I will say...my kids talked me into giving up keeping a vehicle, and take me to the store, etc, and their home to keep a garden. By NOT keeping a vehicle....and living in this rent subsidy high rise, I keep my independence, and am paying off dept and saving. Not a LOT...but I have a plan, and in 3 years I will be debt free, and will be feeling pretty rich, having that extra money every month .
It's sad to see that money has such a huge influencing factor when it comes to dealing with other family members. This could really cause some issues within family ;(
When I got divorced I asked my rich bro for $2000 to get out and get an aprt and move. He said no. It was the best but thing that ever happened to me. Made me sink or swim
My divorce made me face my issues head on..Finally was able to get my finances in order and I was able to see my ex for who she really was. I'm so much better now.
If they can afford to pay it back they can afford to budget there own money the daughter should cut them off because one day they re not going to be able to pay them back
My mom mismanages money and we kids have bailed her out a couple of times. I finally told my brother that it's the end of the line with me. If she needs help again he can foot the bill or we are getting in my mom's financial business.
Send them a link to this video. They’ll stop asking for money and they’ll probably be so embarrassed they’ll never talk to you again. They call that killing 2 birds with one stone.
@@willsommervil6141 Yep...my parents got married and moved right next door to her mom and dad, plus my dad's mom lived right down the road...caused loads of problems for my parents...they told me the stories. Plus, when I was a kid, whenever we drove by my grandpa's house, if he was outside, he would freeze and watch us drive by until we got out of sight...hehehe
I would just offer to help them come up with a budget. If they keep asking for money definitely start telling them “ no” or asking them what they need the money for because they shouldn’t need to borrow $500 if they were sticking to the budget.
I'm new to the Dave Ramsey Show and this is one of the best videos. I'd love to see the in-laws' faces when they're told the money tap is going to be turned off..
Sounds like there aren't the proper boundaries between parent and child... you need to set those. This makes me want to make sure I have everything in line so when I'm old, my kids don't have to deal with this. I don't want to be an obligation or responsibility to my children when I'm older.
My wife is from a third world country and we live in a first world country. We're lower upper class I guess! We have very little liquid cash with this turn in economy. But we have a little to stash away but are fortunate enough to have food to eat as we see fit. Not filet mignon by no means. I told her straight up, we can't help your family if we can't help ourselves!! Once in awhile we help, but fortunately they aren't lazy and work. They also understand that we have just barely enough and we help if we can! If anyone doesn't understand that they're already lost!!
Thanks for the book recommendation. I just received it. My pastor also quoted it and I appreciate the structure and order of God’s world expressed in this book.
But what if your partner doesn't listen at you? What if she will say that she won't give anymore but still continue giving? Is it advisable to leave the partner? Because it will be like a sink drain if it will continue.
Very difficult situation but its $500 and they are being paid back. If they asking for $500 and for the right reasons, then I would have no problem helping them out, especially if they are in laws. Enabling bad is wrong but if they need extra help for medicine,groceries,and etc, I see no problem. People have to be more sympathetic,understanding, and approach the situation intelligently.
If someone is a smoker. drinker and they ask for money. Show them how much they are spending per year on that - most times its not a money problem - its a bugeting problem
This is so common in some family cultures. Barely a month goes by without giving. I just set a limit in my head of how much per person. If someone is ill or elderly, I always say help. But, people who are young and able to work smh.
I wouldn't let an occasional 500 dollar loan to parents that they always pay back cause issues in my marriage. I dont mind lending any amount (as long as I have it) to family or close friends if I know they're gonna pay me back. Not really seeing the issue if stuff comes up and their occasionally a couple hundred short in their budget. They are your parents/ in-laws after all
I did my step mother’s hair and she expected me to ask my dad for the money. I definitely side eyed her. Um NO! Yes I’m licensed but I don’t ask my dad for money and he doesn’t ask me for money. I use to when I was younger and I always paid him back. One day I asked myself if he died tomorrow, what would I do? From then on, I learned to become financially responsible.
Man I'm going through the same thing. My in-laws live in a 55 in over community and they want to move at. They want us to help them get a home. Please pray for me,
Wife does it - "She's being nice, she's an enabler" Husband does it - "He's an idiot, he needs to set his family straight and grow up" Really interesting to see the trends with some of these calls.
How can 23 dislike Dave's message here...the nice kind-giving enabler was misbehaving by enabling her parents not to stand up for themselves to ever be able to take their own financials into their own hands. Stop giving- gifting money to people that have proven track record of not being able to handle money. Your bad behavior is feeding and propagating their bad behavior....endless cycle.
Well that is not what the caller is doing. He is lending money to inlaws whp pay it back in a timely manner. There is no bad behavior involved whatsoever except for going against Dave's sayings which are basically his opinions and not really valid. I mean are his inlaws going to go from living month to month to billionaires? According to Dave the 70 year olds can easily do so with just a few changes, but we all know that is garbage. Again as is it is true in this case the money is being paid back. If they were giving 500 a week to the inlaws it would be an issue if it not being paid back.
@@ernieellan5694 Why should they keep playing the money give and take floating game. I BE SOOO TIRED OF FLOATING MONEY. So what Dave is saying stop enabling this FLOAT...float ends...parents use their own money wisely.
Yeah I know the feeling, they were even going into foreclosure and I bailed them out but I made sure to get a contract and a set payment. I said my money is mines, I want to retire and not have to work at Wendy's...lol. But you are right as usual Mr. Ramsey
My husband was/is (but not as bad at beginning of our marriage)constantly trying to help his homeless able bodied brothers.
4 года назад+2
When they ask for money tell them no , but give them one if Dave’s books if they still say they want money from you tell them you already gave them the solution. Tell them to read the book again or tell them to call Dave!
If she doesn’t give once then they will know they have to get serious with money ‘ they r like now even if we mishandle money daughter will give them’ no matter you love your parents but as adults they have to be responsible with their money’ they can take from her in an emergency or so’ but not mishandle money on a regular basis and take it granted that their daughter will loan them out’ that is irresponsibility of her parents
Start charging the in-laws interest and I'll bet they stop asking to borrow money! I don't think $500 is a lot of money to loan someone, especially since they pay back, but they're adults and need to learn to live within their own means.
my wifes family does that with her all the time. I am white and they think I am rich so they want their share of the pie. they think that all foreigners are responsible for making all the wife's family financially comfortable for the rest of their lives. they guild trip her and I know when they do it because our marriage become a nightmare as a result of it. their guilt tripping interfers with us and it is a disgusting thing to go through. be careful who you marry because they will do it to you to if you are stuck in such a situation.
Parents are so hard headed. I’ve changed my life with this program. I’m not completely debt free but close and I have more money than I have ever had in my life. I try to get my mom to start and follow the program and she simply refuses. She doesn’t ask me for money or anything but she’s in debt and she simply will not turn it around
Just do what I do if family asks for money, I tell them I don't have any to give them, they have no idea how much money I have or don't have. Works, end of conversation! It's a good thing to not inform family if you have extra money in the bank!
She needs to stop telling her parents they are out of debt. When they ask for money just say you don’t have extra money . Extra is defined however you choose
Don't they ever ask what the money is for? Sit down with them make a budget,that would solve alot of your problems . I'd want to see all the receipts too.
If they are paying you back, and if it's not causing a hardship for you, then I would say it's not a huge problem. You have to pick your battles, and this might be one to let go. As they say, happy wife, happy life.
They need to agree that the husband now handles all loans to her parents. If they protest, then she tells them no. Let the husband handle it. It will destroy the relationship, which, unfortunately will happen regardless of what she does.
This is SO common!
Guilt trips are real, and parents do it best.
Yes, guilt trips are real (some parents cannot cut the umbilical cord) but let's keep things in perspective--it is all too common that kids dishonor their parents who have given them a lot. A bit of gratitude and kindness would go a long way.
Anielka Baldera Inlaws: I need about a tree fiddy
I try to guilt trip my daughter all the time but never for money usually it's about hanging out with dad instead of your friends for a day
@@waynekerr2472 😁😁😁
"No."
Help them by not helping them
John like so many beta boys needs to grow a pair and let it be known they aren't a bank or welfare agency. No his wife isn't sweet she's weak and STUPID and half of the problem. Saying no is a prerequisite to being intelligent adults.
Forget FPU CLASSES!!! Forget love,forget giving money JUST SAY HELL NO!!!!
Loving act? Really? No such thing as guilt trips just being disrespectful for another's money.
If they are paying you back, consider yourself MASSIVELY lucky.
binkle58 binkle I agree!! The majority of family members don’t pay back lol 😂
My brother borrows money all the time. I only borrowed money once when I lost my rent but I got it back to my parents under two weeks. I felt horrible for even have to ask them for money.
@M Dac My friend, the fact that you are even writing this means you haven't got over it, as well as the fact that he makes no attempt to pay you, even monthly installments, or even talk about it means your relationship is deeply affected. I would sit down with him and say that you are shocked that he never brought it up, but what can we do to settle this debt, interest free, by payments.
I gave my son £36'000 for a deposit on his first house 🏡 a year later he started a new job so lent him £1500 to buy a new laptop for his job he said he'll pay me back £100 a month off the £1500 15 months later he's only paid me £700 back.
@@BarryBethal-yv2oz So instead of calling you dad, you are now the Bank of Barry
My sister used me as her personal ATM because she would lie about what the money was used for...until I caught her doing a drug deal on my mother’s front porch. Cut her off then and there. When I confronted her, my mother came to her defense. It was at that point that I realized my mother was in on the money leeching, and the drug dealing. I cut them both off.
Oof I am sorry for that I can't imagine what that must feel
How they doing now?
Good move. Whatever you enable, you support.
Well done. Freedom from parasites. Lol.
Wow, that's tough but thank God that you learned the truth and were able to bounce those bums from your life.
There are a lot of golden rules of finance, but there are two diamond rules: never loan money to family, and never co-sign a loan.
What?
If u cant borrow money from family who can you borrow from?
Jesus hope u never need help.
@@nryanmusic Borrow from a bank, because it won't destroy a relationship you care about if you can't pay the money back, and it won't judge you for how you spend your $$ when you are still paying back the loan
lol
@@nryanmusic Dave would say never borrow money....from anyone. If my family needed financial help, I would gift it to them. I would not want to put them in the position to have to pay me back when they are struggling financially.
@@nryanmusic you can give money. You just don’t loan it. There is good cause for this. Even giving becomes an entitlement though. We were burdened for decades with supporting my in laws. We found out later that they had more income than we did but had a gambling problem. So we were going without so they could play slot machines.
Never get money involved with family, friends, or any body. It's unhealthy relationship
There are healthy and unhealthy relationships with money. But to avoid money scenarios with a person based on relationship status is nonsense as far as I’m concerned.
I started a computer support business with a friend from highschool myself.
Bingo. I just tell people that I'm not a bank; I don't extend credit to people. Shockingly, most don't understand what that even means.
@@adama5929 lol. Some people you can't say no to if they helped you in the past when you were in need. If it ain't a one way chronic issue of people in good health and capable of going to school, I am ok with it. But, always say you need a couple of weeks to organize the funds unless it is a grandma/grandpa in her 80s who is not able to work.
Blood and money don't mix
This has always been my rule, but I usually suffer for it. Mostly Judgemental name calling, etc
Some parents think that you own them ... everything because they had you. I am almost 40 and I explained to them that I don't own them nothing. It was their choice to have me and to keep me. I am my own person and that's it. Boundaries.
You probably mean owe:-), no pun intended.
Owe me , not own them.
Milan Broz
Maybe its a typo
Mati Kot Amen!
Mati Kot I mean they brought u into this world and gave you food and a home and took care of you and that’s why your here today
Dam this hit home! My parent began depending on me all the time then it rolled down to siblings. I felt obligated and was made to feel guilty if I didn’t help. It was hard but it had to stop.
Went through something similar. MIL had lung cancer and had to drive 2 counties over for chemo. We gave them gas money until we found out she was buying cigarettes and still complaining about gas money. Had to stop. Sounds bad, but was not going to buy a person with lung cancer going for chemo smokes. Plus she had COPD.
The hardest part is getting them to understand. My husband pays for my in-laws mortgage, gas, insurance, phone etc. Every time I bring up that he is enabling them we have an argument. I just wish my in laws would realize they are being disrespectful!
Rosario Martinez This a cultural matter. When you grow up your parents expect you to support them just the same way they supported your grandparents (their parents) It's kind of annoying and inconvenient.
Summer Rose annoying? Inconvenient? I will always help my family out, I won’t enable but I will always be there for Jt family.
Genesis 2 : 24: That is why a man LEAVES his father and mother and is UNITED with his WIFE, and they become one.
I am sorry you have to go through this Rosario. :(
A lot of cultures are like this...if your in law parents are in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s and healthy caregiving for seniors or kids is a good way to earn money or clean homes. Like all those senior care companies or privately.
Luz Renteria that’s why the divorce rate is at 50%...can’t divorce over solvable problems
Sit down with them and help budget their paycheck, including the plan to pay you back....do that every time they ask to borrow money, they'll eventually get fed up
I'd say, if you budget, and they still want to borrow, let them borrow at 50% interest. Lol.
Makaveli The Don It sounds smart, but oh budget meeting are so hard. Not jealous of having that conversation.
So true, my mom is expecting me to take care of her financially in retirement. She is 54, and I offered this with her. They refused, then pulled the "I raised you! You're so ungrateful!" cards. I just say, it was your choice to have me. Thank you for what you have done for me in life, but if you want my help and my money in the future you have to play by my rules.
That dosesn't always work , because " they don't have a problem " and " we are ungreatful " and " they know bether " they are not going to listen tot they'er kids about how to hendel they'er monney
That is a great idea! They want to do things the easy, lazy way instead of being responsible.
The quickest way to get people to stop asking for money i find is to ask them questions about it. Look how quickly they find someone else when you meet their request with 'what will the money be for?' 'what are your plans for this money?' 'if i am going to give my money to you it has to be for something worth while why do you need my money?' As soon as you ask questions most people will be like 'why do you need to know?' by the time you have gotten out 'its my money i have a right to know' they mostly are 'well keep your money then i will find someone else (mug) to borrow from' Just goes to show they see you as an easy target for this and don't expect you to put up any fight or any response just hand it over like a good little dog and roll over and have your belly tickled whilst they do it.
Perfect advice. I wish I would've thought of that with my sister years ago.
I had a situation with a friend where he he was forever owing me $50. Borrow $50, pay it back after he got paid only to ask to borrow $50 a few days later. Rinse and repeat. All it took to break the pattern was to say "sorry bud I'm broke". Had to say it twice within 2 weeks and he never asked me again.
I would think chronic borrowers wouldnt have a problem with parratoing answers that may be truths or lies for an hour or so if they can still get a decent amount from such work. I would take your concept and be like "Sure, this could be a win-win. I was going to send some money to my brother, but maybe we can keep the money in the circle if my niece can stay with you. She's a wonderful girl and I'm proud she's coming out of rehab. She's so troubled, we think she has schizophrenia and bi-polar, but I cant even be sure. She wont take her meds. And, honestly, I dont know how much that rehab helped at all with her methamphetamine addiction. Her parents just aren't in a position to provide the financial help she needs. I don't know how long I'm going to have to step in, but if she could stay with you or if you could help her with some of the things she needs, then I might be able to help with the loan. Now, this wouldnt be payment, I still need the money back. This would be a favor for a favor. Still it would be way better than to send her to some facility again, she's trying to lose all that weight she gained at the last one.
This or just tell them you're broke, lol
I appreciate this advice but close relatives often play a guild trip.
Here's what I'd say, "Yeah I'll loan you money, but first, please provide the following for my review":
- Annual income (pay stubs etc) for the past year
- Detailed spreadsheet of all expenditures over the past year, broken down by category.
....and that would be the last you'd hear of it !!!!!!
And a notarized statement to 👢😆!
Love this.
"Travel agent for guilt trips" lol gold....
Dave I always appreciate your direct manner in dealing with these things; so many in our world tiptoe through the tulips and won't come out and say what needs to be said.
At least they pay you back, ours never do. Every week is a life or death situation. All about mismanagement.
Good point, K Black. You know the difference between a "root" problem & a "symptom" of another problem.
Listening to Dave has helped me realize that how we spend money is a direct reflection of our emotional health.
I hear stories like this and it strengthens my resolve to take care of my business. I want to be a BLESSING to my adult children when I'm elderly, not a drain. My MIL and SIl lived together and could not handle money one iota. They never asked for any, just punished us with bad behavior when they were jealous we were doing well and making good choices. They seemed to think it was 'luck', not decisive action that was putting us in a good place. No, it's work, and these parents just plain don't want to do the work, they'd rather burden their grown children.
Some people cannot be helped. Unless THEY reach out and ask for that help......it is like being in a boat with no oars OR the boat has oars but THEY refuse to paddle. All you can do (at this point) is line the boat into the best and safe direction and get out of the boat. Kindly.
KH-C exactly what my hubby n I say an we r preparing for..supper well on our way
When you have a wife that can't say no to her family, then she needs to step out of the way and tell the family that they need to ask you when they want money. That lifts the burden from her shoulders and allows you to be purely objective about the situation.
Sorry, nope. sons-in-law and daughters-in law are easy to dislike, for many people. This is an issue between the daughter and her parents (imo).
@@AN-cy7xm When the person cannot say no to the family then the spouse needs to step in and handle it.
I disagree also. Then the wife (or whoever is enabling) doesn't get the opportunity to grow and learn either!
Once she sets the habit of saying no they will stop asking for money.
If you lend money to friends - you lose the friend cause they make you out to be a villian for wanting to be paid back. - You may never see a dime.
If you decline to lend money - you lose the friend as they make you out to be a villin for not "helping" them out, but at least in this scenerio - you still have YOUR MONEY.
If you can see the request coming - complane to them about a "relative" that has borrowed a large sum and you are having finacial stress right now because of it. Cut them off at the pass - only works once though
Amen. I lent my best friend $5000. When she inherited $50,000 a few years later she still never offered me a dime of what she owed me.
@@joycewright5386 or better says you don’t have money or make a contract if she or he doesn’t pay go to court
Before you get with someone figure out their family dynamic. I come from a culture where you take care of your parents. No nursing homes no senior facilities (exceptions for safety) and if they are struggling you bring them in and take care of them. Anybody that gets into a relationship with my brothers and I knows that my dad is part of the package. We care for him together (he is disabled) and having someone else do it is not an option.
Good advice👌🏼
This is underrated but so true. I’ve avoided relationships that have a family dynamic that I can’t deal with. Nothing wrong with helping but there are families that have crossed over into enmeshment and I will not deal with that.
That is not the same, these parents are NOT disabled! They are people who don't know how to manage money, especially if they pay them back.
I agree being an immigrant myself that I don't see myself putting my parents in a home, but Americans have a different advantage....they were born in America and grew up here and had a lifetime to get rid of debt and build wealth!
@N P yes because unlike other cultures we have a 18 and get out mentality. I have no loyalty to someone who raised me just enough. My dad is not American and his parents supported him through school and till he got his 1st stable job. No complaints or issues. Because it's a culture thing. I lived with my mom and once I turned 18 I was basically on my own and if I asked for something it had so many strings attached wasnt even worth it. My dad supported me till I got a job no questions
Well we are talking about two extremes here. It's one thing to take care of a parent who is disabled, has dementia, can't take care of themselves etc. But it's another thing for parents who just don't want to put in the work to fix their budgeting problems and keep asking their kid and her husband for money, they also need to save for their future too!! Also, I don't love nursing homes but many people who put their loved ones into nursing facilities do visit them regularly and often don't know what other option to take because they still have to work and pay the bills and don't have the ability to stay home and take care of them
Four places my money goes: savings, 401k, mutual fund, and Roth IRA. Notice that you don't see bums in that list. Don't care if they're family or friends, a bum is a bum. And a surefire way of becoming a bum is to give bums money.
Most underrated comment ever!!
People who actually love and respect you will never guilt trip you into doing anything. That's what I said to the last relative who approached me with an mlm proposal just before I disowned them.
My husband & I have had chase relatives away for this very reason! My side & his side of the fam, & our grown children we've had to say no to & totally ignore their begging!!!
My uncle and I have been going through this, too. Both my mother and my grandparents have had to bail them out so many times. Whenever a car breaks down or the phone gets turned off, they turn to us. I love my family, but money problems have been the singlemost cause of drama. I'm not sure what to do
This is exactly the advice I was looking for since unfortunately I'm going through the same thing with my in-law. Love her and have helped her unconditionally for years and that won't stop in other aspects but if we continue being her emergency fund, she will never learn how to handle her finances. Thank you so much Dave for your great advice. We will definitely implement this, we will be getting her FPU.
Same thing with my in-laws. You can tell they have money when they frequent the city. Then you'll know they don't have any money if the messages of "how are you?" comes even more frequently. 😅
Start charging interest @ 24% lol.
This hit home for me! My brother runs our 86 yr old father and they are constantly needing "help". They wont move, read, learn, change and when dad passes on to Heaven, my brother will be homeless. I feel I should share the responsibility and help our father, but he just gives $ over to my brother. I feel like my husband and I learn, sacrifice, work and do our due diligence and they just want the $$ rewards of it.
I really needed this today. Thank you so much for posting this call.
I always loaned my family members money as long as they paid it back. One by one they stopped paying me back and I quit loaning.
I hope the parents get on board. I know of a elderly couple who stopped asking and went into debit at a cash advance place. It was only when the husband could no longer drive that they faced reality.
My in-laws think I’m obligated to them and it pisses me when they sound entitled to whatever I have, especially after they failed in planning for themselves. Most annoyingly is that they are people of means, but they keep asking for money like peasants. I hate it...
At their age and the length of the issue...they probably won't change...nor will she. I'm a senior, on your program, and I live in subsidized senior apt, and am paying my old credit cards off, and saving , as well. It can be done. Buttt.....a lot of older folks might have an old house they absolutely refuse to give up till they are physically taken out. In the meantime, they will pull out all the pity stops on everyone to keep the failing status quo. They also ...some that is....refuse to give up smoking and drinking, which is costly.
Ontheroadwith Joy Thats my 82 yr old father. He wont ever leave the Swiss cheese dump they live in, nor will he quit using credit cards. He talks about living paycheck to paycheck but refuses to change at his age.
I'm sure a lot of folks have to deal with a variety of situations. My feeling is...if you have to give them money...then they better be signing over power of attorney to you! I will say...my kids talked me into giving up keeping a vehicle, and take me to the store, etc, and their home to keep a garden. By NOT keeping a vehicle....and living in this rent subsidy high rise, I keep my independence, and am paying off dept and saving. Not a LOT...but I have a plan, and in 3 years I will be debt free, and will be feeling pretty rich, having that extra money every month .
Ontheroadwith Joy congratulations, that is awesome! I wish some of my older family members had this mentality.
Just tell them your broke , unexpected bills and that will settle that.
I find that lying to your family usually ends well...
It's sad to see that money has such a huge influencing factor when it comes to dealing with other family members. This could really cause some issues within family ;(
@Tech Guy17 yeah its like money is needed for food,bills,housing,other so giving it away takes away your ability to pay for such for yourself.
@@bobbarker9556 😂 Touché!
When I got divorced I asked my rich bro for $2000 to get out and get an aprt and move.
He said no. It was the best but thing that ever happened to me. Made me sink or swim
Good point. I can tell that you did not sink!
Sometimes it is hard to say no to ur parents
My divorce made me face my issues head on..Finally was able to get my finances in order and I was able to see my ex for who she really was. I'm so much better now.
How did you get an apartment eventually?...
blank blank I think he meant on his own but not immediately.
A spouse who sacrifices their spouse for parents who'll never let go, shouldn't be married.
Loan them money BUT MOM MUST REHAB to get it .
If they can afford to pay it back they can afford to budget there own money the daughter should cut them off because one day they re not going to be able to pay them back
Boundaries, BOUNDARIES!!
Borrow $500,- from them next time.
And never pay them back, that will end this game.
Lol probably, which is obviously not the point
Best idea ever
+Eddie Jansen - Wasn't the point they both stop being enablers, it could be the dead stop ;)
My mom mismanages money and we kids have bailed her out a couple of times. I finally told my brother that it's the end of the line with me. If she needs help again he can foot the bill or we are getting in my mom's financial business.
This hits home. Travel agents of guilt trips for sure. They refused to see they faults and make changes.
If I asked my brother for money, he'd love me enough to say, "Are you out of your mind?"
Send them a link to this video. They’ll stop asking for money and they’ll probably be so embarrassed they’ll never talk to you again. They call that killing 2 birds with one stone.
Move.Always move after marriage.
magnus pym lol, I'm trying to get my husband to move us far away, lol, he finally sees what I've been telling him
You're absolutely right. Some people moved right next door. That's really stupid! I'd moved out of state.
I like how u think ^^^
When you marry someone, you really do marry their family as well. You can earn yourself a whole lot of toxic people...scares me...yikes.
@@willsommervil6141 Yep...my parents got married and moved right next door to her mom and dad, plus my dad's mom lived right down the road...caused loads of problems for my parents...they told me the stories. Plus, when I was a kid, whenever we drove by my grandpa's house, if he was outside, he would freeze and watch us drive by until we got out of sight...hehehe
I would just offer to help them come up with a budget. If they keep asking for money definitely start telling them “ no” or asking them what they need the money for because they shouldn’t need to borrow $500 if they were sticking to the budget.
I'm new to the Dave Ramsey Show and this is one of the best videos. I'd love to see the in-laws' faces when they're told the money tap is going to be turned off..
Sounds like there aren't the proper boundaries between parent and child... you need to set those. This makes me want to make sure I have everything in line so when I'm old, my kids don't have to deal with this. I don't want to be an obligation or responsibility to my children when I'm older.
@TIMOTHY SAINT DE AUBIN Why do you have to comment on her looks? It's creepy and inappropriate.
My wife is from a third world country and we live in a first world country. We're lower upper class I guess! We have very little liquid cash with this turn in economy. But we have a little to stash away but are fortunate enough to have food to eat as we see fit. Not filet mignon by no means. I told her straight up, we can't help your family if we can't help ourselves!! Once in awhile we help, but fortunately they aren't lazy and work. They also understand that we have just barely enough and we help if we can! If anyone doesn't understand that they're already lost!!
God bless Dave for shedding light on this subject. So, so important
Sometimes it pays to not be a 'sweet' woman.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I just received it. My pastor also quoted it and I appreciate the structure and order of God’s world expressed in this book.
This hit home hard. What do you do when they have no power, food, or water?
@@kshuf8426 Lol that's hilarious. so true man
But what if your partner doesn't listen at you? What if she will say that she won't give anymore but still continue giving? Is it advisable to leave the partner? Because it will be like a sink drain if it will continue.
Very difficult situation but its $500 and they are being paid back. If they asking for $500 and for the right reasons, then I would have no problem helping them out, especially if they are in laws. Enabling bad is wrong but if they need extra help for medicine,groceries,and etc, I see no problem. People have to be more sympathetic,understanding, and approach the situation intelligently.
If someone is a smoker. drinker and they ask for money.
Show them how much they are spending per year on that -
most times its not a money problem - its a bugeting problem
This is so common in some family cultures. Barely a month goes by without giving. I just set a limit in my head of how much per person. If someone is ill or elderly, I always say help. But, people who are young and able to work smh.
I wouldn't let an occasional 500 dollar loan to parents that they always pay back cause issues in my marriage. I dont mind lending any amount (as long as I have it) to family or close friends if I know they're gonna pay me back. Not really seeing the issue if stuff comes up and their occasionally a couple hundred short in their budget. They are your parents/ in-laws after all
I did my step mother’s hair and she expected me to ask my dad for the money. I definitely side eyed her. Um NO! Yes I’m licensed but I don’t ask my dad for money and he doesn’t ask me for money. I use to when I was younger and I always paid him back.
One day I asked myself if he died tomorrow, what would I do? From then on, I learned to become financially responsible.
Man I'm going through the same thing. My in-laws live in a 55 in over community and they want to move at. They want us to help them get a home. Please pray for me,
Parents should never ask their kids for money.
Wife does it - "She's being nice, she's an enabler"
Husband does it - "He's an idiot, he needs to set his family straight and grow up"
Really interesting to see the trends with some of these calls.
I feel your pain sir.
How can 23 dislike Dave's message here...the nice kind-giving enabler was misbehaving by enabling her parents not to stand up for themselves to ever be able to take their own financials into their own hands. Stop giving- gifting money to people that have proven track record of not being able to handle money. Your bad behavior is feeding and propagating their bad behavior....endless cycle.
Well that is not what the caller is doing. He is lending money to inlaws whp pay it back in a timely manner. There is no bad behavior involved whatsoever except for going against Dave's sayings which are basically his opinions and not really valid. I mean are his inlaws going to go from living month to month to billionaires? According to Dave the 70 year olds can easily do so with just a few changes, but we all know that is garbage. Again as is it is true in this case the money is being paid back. If they were giving 500 a week to the inlaws it would be an issue if it not being paid back.
@@ernieellan5694 Why should they keep playing the money give and take floating game. I BE SOOO TIRED OF FLOATING MONEY. So what Dave is saying stop enabling this FLOAT...float ends...parents use their own money wisely.
Yeah I know the feeling, they were even going into foreclosure and I bailed them out but I made sure to get a contract and a set payment. I said my money is mines, I want to retire and not have to work at Wendy's...lol. But you are right as usual Mr. Ramsey
My husband was/is (but not as bad at beginning of our marriage)constantly trying to help his homeless able bodied brothers.
When they ask for money tell them no , but give them one if Dave’s books if they still say they want money from you tell them you already gave them the solution. Tell them to read the book again or tell them to call Dave!
If she doesn’t give once then they will know they have to get serious with money ‘ they r like now even if we mishandle money daughter will give them’ no matter you love your parents but as adults they have to be responsible with their money’ they can take from her in an emergency or so’ but not mishandle money on a regular basis and take it granted that their daughter will loan them out’ that is irresponsibility of her parents
"I'm sorry. I am not going to mortgage my retirement to support yours."
Start charging the in-laws interest and I'll bet they stop asking to borrow money! I don't think $500 is a lot of money to loan someone, especially since they pay back, but they're adults and need to learn to live within their own means.
To not have your finances together after 40 years old is just unacceptable. Some ppl are just sad
Children will do this to their spouse until it costs them personally.
The biggest lesson I learned is to not lend money to anyone. Ever. Family is not an excuse.
Very solid advice. I agree.
Loans with family a lot of times end up as gifts according to the debtors on judge Judy! If you get paid back, you are lucky!
my wifes family does that with her all the time. I am white and they think I am rich so they want their share of the pie. they think that all foreigners are responsible for making all the wife's family financially comfortable for the rest of their lives. they guild trip her and I know when they do it because our marriage become a nightmare as a result of it. their guilt tripping interfers with us and it is a disgusting thing to go through. be careful who you marry because they will do it to you to if you are stuck in such a situation.
Parents are so hard headed. I’ve changed my life with this program. I’m not completely debt free but close and I have more money than I have ever had in my life. I try to get my mom to start and follow the program and she simply refuses. She doesn’t ask me for money or anything but she’s in debt and she simply will not turn it around
Thanks for this word of wisdom Dave may God bless this program. So much insight here
Just do what I do if family asks for money, I tell them I don't have any to give them, they have no idea how much money I have or don't have. Works, end of conversation! It's a good thing to not inform family if you have extra money in the bank!
If they always pay them back, what's the big deal? Charge them a little interest (1-3%) and consider this a huge win.
Lie. Tell the in-laws you lost all your money at the casino. Tell them to visit the casino and ask if they can review security footage.
Thats exactly wat i tell my mom with her family all the time
Tell friends and family asking for money this, "Sorry to hear that. If I had the money I would give it to you, I just don't have it."
She needs to stop telling her parents they are out of debt. When they ask for money just say you don’t have extra money . Extra is defined however you choose
Don't they ever ask what the money is for? Sit down with them make a budget,that would solve alot of your problems . I'd want to see all the receipts too.
Some thing dont need other people to know, even family
"yeah Dave, we loaned them a thousand bucks and ran into them at Palme d' Or!"
When my sister kept asking for money I helped her do a budget
👏🏾👏🏾
Dave suggest the book boundaries author has several versions VERY helpful
No she is not sweat. She is codependent on her parents. That's a problem.
Quote: "A rich man is but a poor man with money"------W.C Fields
Everybody wants money. Except those who already have some.
You nailed it again!
If they are paying you back, and if it's not causing a hardship for you, then I would say it's not a huge problem. You have to pick your battles, and this might be one to let go. As they say, happy wife, happy life.
I have an old saying: “if ya say yes once, you’ve said it a thousand times.” Never feed a stray cat.
What about a stray dog? Or any other living creature that can’t feed itself. I know it’s just a saying, but it’s a bad one.
Thanks❤
Her and her parents are using this guy, hes definitely getting divorced and her and her parents are going to clean him out!
They need to agree that the husband now handles all loans to her parents. If they protest, then she tells them no. Let the husband handle it. It will destroy the relationship, which, unfortunately will happen regardless of what she does.
My dad loved going to the freaking casino so much he kept asking me to cover rent. 😤 If he goes homeless not my fault😕