the gender wars, are’nt yall tired? 🤨heteropessimism unpacked | khadija mbowe
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- Опубликовано: 15 ноя 2023
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Yet again, you bring us a serve.
i may not like u but i respect u big time because your telling facts as is like the whole truth and nothin besides it
So that was an example when When in iceland feminism It was used for for women to be degenerated and not Contributee society So didn't you just Contradict yourself
Because you said having kids and taking care of is it not beneficial for society? But you stayed at the same time women refuse to do homework and work outside So they shut down a Shut down our government Or it When into Chaos
It's not been manipulator or insecure Because you have Consequences when you sleep around They are article And say how condoms don't work they can't protect . Tim pool Did A video About a feminist who admitted that third wave feminism Promotes women in her own words to be a slut. A lot of menasphere Do the same thing I don't agree with all of them like fresh and fit They Are going to get stis or stds .😢 You promote garbage feminism. it used to be about Getting Leave for day care for kids This crap brain washes you To Things that don't helpt You .
Honestly, as a straight guy, I think I started noticing the concept of heteropessimism or fatalism in my teens when I spotted how many comedians and sitcoms had a "I hate my wife/husband" or "We hate our loveless relationship" joke. It stops being funny and becomes concerning after a while...It's like a friend constantly making suicide jokes.
It’s been normalized to hate women historically.. we are now seeing the opposite within the last decade.
That and the constant 'wedding day pranks' that just involve making the bride the butt of the joke or cake smashing videos. Like why are y'all even getting married atp?
At this point I feel like we need to re-evaluate the way we look at jokes and comedy because I feel like even humour has become weaponized, sadly.
I was only a child when that was common (at least the only time I recall it), but I always thought those were just uncreative comedians going for the lowest hanging but still clean fruit possible.
I didn't know anyone took that nonsense seriously, let alone enough to make a whole social move out of. I'm not sure which part of that is more depressing.
@@sxmvp I think humor always had the ability to be weaponized. It's just that access to comedians used to be a lot more difficult. You can look at people like Carlin, Hicks, or even Bruce and any of their contemporaries and see the stark differences.
To me, if it kicks down then it isn't a joke. It's just a grade school attempt at attention, at best. Hicks was one of my favorites because he wanted to use comedy to make people think and reconsider what they thought they knew. He viewed them as kind of like rock stars in that sense.
Hot take
Straight people should be the poster child for "you can't choose your sexsuality"
OMFG 😂😂😂
As a heterosexual woman, I agree.
Dude I've BEEN SAYING THIS. The existence of straight women is proof that sexuality is not a choice.
Hold up you’re actually cooking up a masterpiece
This sentiment will probably rise over time as queer acceptance betters worldwide, hets see how open queer people are with themselves and their loved ones, want in, and just can’t. Just this month I was talking with a friend and he ended up mentioning this form of envy about queer people…
As a straight man I agree.
I feel like literally everything is pessimistic now. Hetero-pessimism, Afro-pessimism, Climate-pessimism, Political-pessimism, etc. Literally nobody has any hope for the future, nobody believes that anything can get better. Everyone is just bitter and depressed.
We all should be. Better be pessimistic and be surprised, if anything gets better than feeling all the time let down
we're in the deconstruction phase unfortunately, and because of the heel digger inners in our society suffering decades of white straight cis gendered capitalistic brainwashing, it's taking a loooooong time to break down old structures. it's hard, but like Khadija said in a previous video, it's not for us, it's for the future people.
@@triloization that's what a pessimist would say. I slightly disagree, i am a gen z bisexual man, living in an explicitly homophobic country. I kinda see the potential for humanity always being there and i choose to believe in it. Although every single time i get on my phone, there is a 80% bad news 20% good news wombo combo, but that 20% is kinda enough for me to have hope. But then again m an optimist and i do get let down often but for some reason i still keep having hope hahaha
I agree with you. I love James Baldwin's quote, 'i can't be a pessimist because I'm alive'. Being an optimist is also good for your mental health and overall wellbeing
I like to imagine a better future. I believe this hardship we are experiencing will make the pendulum swing hard in the other direction. I see it everyday in climate activism. Just when I think all is lost, sneak attack by climate lawyers! Or mayors, or voters. All is not lost and it’s not good for a person to believe it to be. It’s better to believe in change because then you can be a part of the change. The person who does nothing out of pessimism can’t claim any credit for making a difference. If pessimism makes one act, ok! Act! But changing things will always take work sadly. But it will pay off down the road. It took 2 generations before women won the right to vote. The people that started the fight didn’t see it come to pass, the people that finished it didn’t see the beginning struggles.
I think there are 3 key broad issues with heterosexuality:
1) women are groomed into viewing toxic dynamics as romantic or potentials for romance induced change.
2) men are groomed into viewing their partners as succes symbols
3) compatibily is often mistaken as a matter of similar prefernces as opposed to harmonious behaviors/ values.
Patriarcy aside these 3 things come together to create a situation where people are consistently dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
I dont know which women your talking about but it ain't me
@@ChillingTales12 that's great! Sadly the popularity of twilight, fifty shades of gray, etc paints a grimmer picture for masses. Stay winning!
@@redmaple1982 Yeah I don't read any of that garbage
Oooooh and the way women are also grooomed to be responsible for men's emotional well-being
Here’s the thing none of those are explicitly tied to sexuality, it’s legit all social conditioning… so fucked
I will say though I think the third point kinda encroaches into semantics. Idk I think it’s pretty common knowledge that both of those two things are needed for a good relationship. And a lot of people choose to follow… neither of them
the moment you said "i've never met a woman who hasn't experienced sexual harassment from a man" i just... jaw to the floor. because i've been thinking about this for YEARS. and the moment i told a man, who tried to imply i'm over-dramatizing stuff in a convo about sa, exactly what you said... he was stunned. i told him to ask his wife about it. never brought up the topic with me again :/
I've never been sexually harrased by a man a woman yes but not a man. You've orobabaly never heard a man say he was sexually harrased by a woman because I guess only women can be harrased and it's always by a a man never a woman. Guess I've burnt your bubble.
@@ChillingTales12 so you’re basically saying their experience is not valid instead of admitting both of you have suffered harassment and we should work to change that.
@@tk-ol3ml right??
@@ChillingTales12this why people don’t care abt men’s problems cos men only bring them up when women are talking ab theirs. You “people”are fucking insufferable
@@qua03able Alright alright I get it. I guess I just wanted to bring some awareness
Ma'am. You are a baby. You're probably young enough to be my daughter yet you are consistently distilling and validating my 48 year old life experience. Just..... thank you 💓
That's all I got. It's still happening, people.
@butterflymafia 💓
🥹💕💕
Okay so the comment is very wholesome but I just laughed at "you are a baby"😂
@@anelkia27 lol now that I see it again, that does look funny. She said something about being a baby (or maybe perceived as one) and I think that in contrast to her critical thinking skills, wisdom and ability to articulate it, she looks like a baby to me. Like, her hair should be completely gray 😂
My ideals were half baked at her age and even now, my ability to articulate them in context to my lived experience takes some time. So I stick to art and journaling and I sure as hell don't put myself into debates or long discussions with people I disagree with who I feel need to hear/understand a different perspective. So I can almost be overwhelmed with joy when I hear her deftly make point after point and back it up.
It's also yet another thing that gives me so much hope in younger people and the power they will soon have or do have right in the palms of their hands 💓
It's exciting.
You had me in the first half 😂. Im glad it turned out to be a compliment ❤
It just feels like a good majority of men don’t see women as people. The needs, and wants of women are deemed illogical and a nuisance. The “no” said by a woman is just a barrier needed to be nocked down. It’s disgusting
I talk to my wife about things that concern you all. I mean it's not hard to read reddit threads or Twitter posts to see what people deal with. It sucks when you see other men locked not that old mindset whereas you're trying to make them think or question their hypocrisy and so on. I hope you have a good day.
@@Chill-mm4pnthat’s nice!
@@ediblelipscrubs9466your pfp.. giga chad... but woman??? So giga...?
You snatched Mexican men’s wig on that one girl 😂😂😂
@@avarosalia4309 girl every man’s wig
heteropessimism is getting more and more apparent and it’s exhausting and depressing
I don't think it's getting more popular though. It's peak is behind us and we've gotten better at recognizing these behaviors.
@@blasterblade02yeah, but misandry has lol!
@dave it sure has but some of us women have lived our entire lives hearing mysoginistic bullshit, hard not to want to give men a taste of their own damn medicine. Problem is that a mans ego is so much more fragile than a woman's, so it doesnt actually help, men just cry and whine and become more violent. Women have just peacefully allowed men to dog the fuck out of them for centuries and are just plain tired.
@@Dave102693 ma man, misandry is 1/2 of heteropessimism so heterpessimism can't be both gone and also still exist. It doesn't work that way lol
@@Dave102693just like “reverse racism” doesn’t exist in white supremacist run societies, “misandry” doesn’t exist in a patriarchal society. Sorry, but you’re objectively wrong.
I had a lot of moments during college where my straight friends would say: " I hate men, I wish I was gay. Life would be so much easier."
Me *Raised as Mormon, identified as lesbian, almost sent to conversion therapy, ostracized by family and friends who I grew up with* :
"Yeah, being a lesbian makes life a total walk in the park...."
Also lesbian dating can be real hard for different reasons
To be fair I (a lesbian leaning bi ex Mormon) also expressed that sentiment when I thought I was straight and faithful, because I didn't have the words to express the mandatory heterosexuality pressures at the time. But to my family's credit, I knew that if I allowed myself to be gay they would accept me, even if it isn't the norm in Mormon society at large
Lol I hate that some straight women think like this. Like queer woman/afab people have the easiest time finding someone and having the perfect relationship. If that was the case, my gay ass would be more confident and just would be on the dating scene until I found the “one” instead of just being exhausted by 9 pm like the loser I’m honestly proud to be.
Tbh, I used to say this before I realized I was a lesbian. I don’t think it’s fair to assume people are just being ignorant of the challenges that come with being gay.
IDK I've talked to friends who are bi and a lot of them say dating women is harder. probably gender norms have a lot to do with that, but also like... straight privilege is real and not anything to ignore in these conversations. like as a straight white cis gendered Canadian woman, I'm one chromosomal difference away from being the social majority, I don't forget that lol
I'm a cishet guy, but (since my own friend group is pretty gay) I didn't understand until recently how bad the hetero landscape is. The more I interact with cishet guys outside of my normal circles, the more I realize that these men don't just happen to lack friendships with women and enbies -- aside from the prospect of validation or sex, they genuinely get NOTHING out of their interactions with non-men. These are guys who are attracted to women, but who act like talking to a woman is a legitimate chore. Aren't straight men supposed to, y'know. . . like women?
They don't. They just want to fuck them and nothing else. I know not all of you are like this, but I rarely see any who are. This is why the only guys I'll ever be with have to be pan or bi.
"Wah wah straight men are so bad and mean to women. But straight women are wonderful creatures. I'm a good male feminist now my beautiful queen?"
@@Sting02-ko4ef or I just meant it
this guy just completely ignored what u said lol he is such an intel lol@@pinkoandthebrain5719
Thinking "Aren't straight men supposed to like women?" was my pivot moment as a human being
Oh I have to tell my story about heteropessimism as a man
My thing is that I'm not the MASCULINE DUDE, I have long hair and an androgynous style and I'm soft AF
But I'm heterossexual
And I swear to God, after I showed any kind of "female trait", like emotional vulnerability, sexual passivity or something like that, 98% of the girls that I had any kind of sexual/romantic/affective relationship treated me like... A undesirable guy, you know? Something like "I like men and this is not a Man™"
And it was not 1 or 3 or 5 times that this happened to me.
I think that in heterossexual relationships, generally both sides expects some behaviors based on hetero-normativity. And this is toxic af. Because the other person is not a person, he has to be a Man™and she has to be a Woman™.
And this is a thing that people don't want to admit, like, who's gonna proudly say this? "HEY I REALLY EXPECT YOU TO BE ULTRA MANLY AND VIRILE, AND IF YOU ARE NOT, I DON'T EVEN CONSIDER YOU TO BE A MAN"
that's hard.........
I will not change. I will be me with a person that respects me in this way of existing.
But I got myself a break from romantic relationships
Sometimes it's not about not being "manly enough," it's unfortunately common for men to pretend to be like you described (emotionally open, available) as a manipulation tactic. So despite being genuine you might get hit with the red flag label because of it, and the "not masculine enough" spiel is an easier excuse because it's such a common way of thinking.
@@dissidentcrusher I have to disagree with you, even understanding your point.
Yes, sometimes it could be just an excuse to dump me in a non-rude way. But, as I said, this happened to me numerous times. And when things happens to you many times you can fEEL the exact point that things got bad.
It's not a rational thing, like I said, nobody will proudly say "I DON'T LIKE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE MAN BECAUSE THIS IS GIRLYY", but there is a mixture here of homophobia and cis-normativity and sexism. Women too reproduce sexism that is socially imposed to them
I used to work in a bar and this regular was always there. He was a man who was in touch with his emotions, loved gardening and massages, and always gave out free cbd lotions. He would tell me how he'd also have that exact problem with dating. I was surprised at first because I personally don't think like this, and I prefer more feminine guys. I hadn't realized how much of an issue this really was. Patriarchy hurts everyone.
Bi-women are how I’ve avoided this most of my life. They generally don’t subscribe to patriarchy and were the best relationships I’ve had. Doubt I’ll ever date a “straight” girl ever again.
@@dissidentcrusher It's not so common that any random woman you meet can be reasonably assumed to not be treating you in a specific way unique to this lack of stereotypically masculine traits, and there's no way to quantify if it's more common than the also common way of thinking that the OP was describing having experienced. "I have a boyfriend, husband, I'm married, me and are together, etc." are far more common deflections from women. It gets so granular too. Overweight? Well that's a mark against you just in general, but overweight with prominent breast tissue giving you more distinguished man tits? That's worse than the guy who is technically more overweight than you because tits are for women so sayeth the patriarchy. And then many women uphold that alongside the men upholding it. Women uphold patriarchy knowingly and unknowingly all the time. Whether they want to hear it or not, that purposeful distancing and shunning of men (as a group not like distancing yourself from an abusive partner, etc.) in response to how they've been treated reinforces patriarchy from a systemic perspective, even if it individually feels relieving or empowering to a woman. The social and emotional isolation imposed upon men for failing to meet certain criteria causes poor mental health outcomes and contributes in a variety of ways to the behaviors exhibited with toxic masculinity.
The long hair bit for example ebbs and flows with how much it's associated with femininity. 15 years ago I would occasionally get called "ma'am" or something from behind because of long hair but the moment I turned around the amount of social signifiers denoting "man" was greater than those denoting "woman" to a stranger and people would correct themselves and assume I was a hippie's kid or something. People around me would regularly claim I needed to cut my hair including to find a job as a man. Nowadays long hair has come back into fashion for men. There's nothing stopping it from going right back out though.
I feel for my brothers who suffer the indignity of being reduced to lesser for not meeting nebulous, artificial, often completely genetic and out of your hands, standards. Regardless of what gender they were assigned at birth.
Edit: I've also *been* that "we're together" friend to deflect the advances of men numerous times whether I was in on it or not lol.
While I do understand straight women's plight in dating men. I always felt uneasy about them saying "I wish I was a lesbian/bi". As a lesbian, I feel like that phrase is dismissive of our lived societal struggles. Also, I've been in relationships with women who've treated me really badly, and as much as I'm a girl's girl, there are toxic women. Actually, relationships with toxic women can be more painful than men because it is not based on patricarchy and is more personal.
nope, you're lying. Only men are bad people and women never hurt anybody unless they did something to them to deserve it FIRST! You must have been an abuser, and the patriarchal vibes I get from this comment are just *ick*
I knew a lesbian too that told me her extremely toxic stories dating women either lesbian or bi and how she reslIzed her straight sister and her both don’t have it easier with any gender
@@E1ucidate only men are bad people is one crazy ass take 💀
I wouldn't be so quick to excuse the patriarchy just because you're dealing with a woman. Internalized patriarchy has poisoned the well for all of society.
Yeah this was a rude awakening for me when I started dating women. Not all women are perfect angels who will never cause harm.
It’s the unseen, unappreciated emotional and household labor and childcare that women are expected to do on top of working a full-time job just like men
exactly. and even if men ask if we need "help", which is well intentioned, it's like "cool cool cool now I'm your manager."
Or when they say “why didn’t you tell me to do x”… why don’t you have the initiative to do any chores???
I'm glad you included emotional labor. I once told my mom that I see her doing a lot of emotional labor and she realized I was right and then we just sort of stared at each other not knowing what to do about it. Because my dad will not assist with emotional labor. He does the avoidant thing whenever uncomfortable emotions arise. She can't even lean on him with her own emotions, so she comes to me. And then here I am, another afab doing all the emotional labor.
@@loekust Dealing with this with my brother currently, and it's so frustrating and pissing my entire family off, myself included.
And single moms feel this on a completely next level, but are put down just as much by other women as by men ❤
As a man who dates men (maybe I'd be considered a "homopessimist" lol), I find dating men to be very challenging for various reasons. I sometimes jokingly say they're for "sex only" and I don't want to deal with other gay men otherwise. I suppose the sex positive person in me thinks "go off, live your best life, be a slut, etc" but ultimately, if a meaningful, fulfilling romantic relationship with a man is a desire in your best life, it's just depressing.
In your experience as a gay man what do you think needs to happen in order for men to be capable of being good romantic partners for anybody? Like, do you think it's even possible for yall as a group to ever get to that point or is it hopeless?
@@Chambermenz Bi man in a very meaningful fulling, romantic relationship with a gay man (who, more relevant to this conversation, is also a social worker) chiming in. Being with him has really opened my eyes to how emotionally immature the vast majority of people are. I don’t mean that as an insult, and I am absolutely included in that statement.
Very few of us are raised with any kind of emotional education and many never had good models to look up to. There are a lot of really integral interpersonal skills that most of us genuinely just have never been taught like nonviolent communication, healthy conflict and conflict resolution, how to feel and understand our own feelings, how to listen and understand the feelings of others, how to trust ourselves, how to trust other people, how to build empathy, how to build self awareness. And to be clear, I do think men tend to be worse off with all of this, but I’ve dated my fair share of women who struggle too. I think it’s a larger social issue.
Trying to unlearn whatever interpersonal patterns you’ve unconsciously picked up to keep yourself safe is difficult work, and trying to learn new, better alternatives and put them into practice is too. Especially considering that therapy is pretty much only accessible to the financially privileged.
Large scale I think at least part of the answer is better (preferably early) education surrounding emotional literacy and relationship building. That said, I do think there are loads of people trying their best to make progress in that arena, and it’s just a matter of finding them. If a meaningful, fulfilling romantic relationship with a man is something you’re after, I do believe you can find it.
slayy boss
@@diemdia I'm guessing women in egalitarian places are more mature in their relationships. The patriarchy screws both men and women up.
@@acegikm nice, all enbies are exempt from being screwed up!
Yes! It makes me think about the boomer humor of them only talking about their spouses in ways of how they hate them. All I can think is, "Why are y'all still together if you feel this way? Why are you not getting therapy?" The pessimism of it all
You know how much therapy is? Like if you did. You would realize how dismissive "just get therapy is" not to mention therapy isnt immune to capitalism and who is holding the wallet. But yeah, they should break up.
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404 I've definitely noticed a trend in progressive spaces of well meaning people suggesting therapy not realizing a lot of people, maybe even most people, can't exactly just walk outside and pick a free therapist off the therapy tree. I was pretty lucky to have automatic coverage for certain health things for many years by default, but I probably don't have those benefits now since I signed up to my works insurance and I think those benefits would run out come my next birthday anyway. My work didn't have an option for mental health coverage, so I'll have to call and see if the group I was seeing my current guy with can still work with me. If they can't, I don't have the money needed to hire a personal therapist, I'll be SOL. Therapy is great, everybody should be able to have a free therapist. If we want that we need to advocate our elected representatives push that to be law because as it stands that's far from a lot of people's material reality.
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404With insurance therapy can be “cheap” i only pay $15 per visit for mine
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404 Oh, trust me. I know! I've lived below the poverty line my entire life. I've needed therapy for the past decade and have been unable to get it because I don't have the money. I meant my comment towards the boomers with that problem. They'll talk about how the only reason they stay with their spouse is because the spouse buys them expensive things, or how their expensive trip was ruined by their spouse just breathing. I can't help but think that instead of using the money those people spent on a trip to Italy, a new car, or whatever, would've been better spent on therapy. If someone can't afford therapy, that's 1000% understandable and not their fault. Fuck capitalism and the US healthcare system. But if you genuinely can't stand your partner like that, break up so both of you can find happiness.
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404going through a divorce is kinda of more expensive than therapy. Or at least you could use youtube videos from licensed therapists or take advice from people in healthy relationships
I’m a bi woman who just completely avoids men romantically. Even guys I know are good and nice people tend to fall into these bizarre gendered traps when it comes to relationships and I can’t handle it. Let alone the idea of meeting dudes who are strangers and probably holding some type of resentment toward me. I don’t have the time for any of that anymore.
that's the main thing. Men are scary and dangerous! It's not random pessimism
Get it get it! Don’t even BOTHER
Amen
Yeah I don't think I want to attempt dating any men unless they're also bi/pan/heavily involved with the queer community. If a guy asks me out and I like him sure I'll try, but I don't think I'll be seeking out any. (No offense to all the straight men out there, I just noticed I tend to find women and other queer people easier to navigate and connect with.)
It's comments like these that make me low key happy I'm not straight. I sometimes think about how if I were straight, I would've been like the men around me. Misogynistic, distant, bitterness and infidelity. Either complaining about thier partners or mad they didn't have one. Maybe not forever but definitely as a young man.
It's not easy dating for me in a rural area, im definitely at a high risk of violence. but hearing how my female and male friend talk about thier relationships 😒.
Glad im not missing out
When it comes to talking about the way women are "just mean to men", i think about a feminist protest in South Korea where some of the women made fun of the male politicians' penis sizes. Immature? Yeah. But those politicians used that as a justification for not giving women their rights when asking nicely obviously wasn't doing anything either. Korean women deal with intense misogyny and yet feminism has been framed as a "radical extremist" ideology when the most harm it causes is temporarily bruising the male ego. Meanwhile, women live in constant fear of being harassed, assaulted, abused, etc. with nothing to protect them. Korean female celebrities and influencers are mobbed with death and r*pe threats and sabotaging of their careers by misogynists if they even just read a book or exist independently from men, which has literally killed women.
None of this is used to rob men of their human rights because that's obviously irrational but its the exact reasoning used to prevent women from theirs. It's why I don't like the whole attitude towards female rage being meaningless and spiteful. Even if isn't the most productive, focusing on it ends up validating men's misogyny who frame their mistreatment towards women as something women brought onto themselves. Women shouldn't earn men's consideration to begin with, it just shows how men understand the power they have when they expect us to *earn* our rights from *them*, something they already have for being men.
Agreed its so frustrating ong
Omg i was just thinking about this when people call the generic, even might be objectively annoying, "internet mob" as bad as fascists or the REAL racists when asked to behave more progressive.
A week ago i saw someone messing with a pole that i suspected started to follow me, pulled out the *start a pretend video call * move and he dissipared. Going back home i saw that on the pole he sticked the logos of a white supremacist italian party we have and straight up fascist organization that started to rise.
Annoyance being told online how to behave isnt fascism, this is: literal fear of having to go outside, exhasperation because you just jave to go on like nothing happened
It's not about hurting a man's feelings. It's about not body-shaming people. I see women and feminists do the same thing with gays or virgins. Calling a man gay or a virgin to insult his manhood or worldview is bad. People don't need to throw gay men and male virgins under the bus to get their point across. Body shaming, homophobia, and virgin shaming when it comes to men just make progressive people look like massive hypocrites. Most people wouldn't throw men of color under the bus, to insult racist misogynistic white men lol.
@@markstriker925Good point.
Go off then
Coming from the woman perspective as someone who’s mostly attracted to men part of its fear and the other part anger. It’s the constant fear of is this man actually who he says he is, is this man going to harm me, another woman was killed by another man today. The list goes on and on, it’s very easy to hate the people you are not only attracted to but also being oppressed by. Are we actually sitting here wondering why this is happening? I mean be real right now. I also think this is a big part of I’d rather be miserable than alone mentality when it comes to men and women but that’s just my take.
I 100% agree, men are just terrifying me at this point and I've lost all trust in them just from the things I've seen and heard. The entire manosphere and the disgusting way they talk about us, the constant rapes and femicides etc.
Even my super sweet ex, who was most likely genuine, I wasn't able to fully trust. From that moment on I realised that if I couldn't even trust a guy like him, I could never trust any other guy either, so why bother?
This!! Also not enough ppl bring up the cross sections of parenthood and financial stability with this type of dynamic. It's always "just leave him." Having a home and access to your children is held over women's heads all the time.
Ofc in reality it's much less likely a court would side with a man in a custody battle, but the fact that it happens is enough to reinforce that fear... and we all remembered Brittany Spears. Any woman who's been abused and pushed down is at risk to being labeled crazy and having her rights stripped 🥲
@@sxmvpGod, this is painfully relatable. As much as it sucks that so many of us are feeling this way, there is something oddly comforting in knowing that. Like, we’re scared shitless, but at least we’re all scared shitless together… or maybe I’m just searching for any positive thing I can latch onto at this point idk.
@@jq9690
I think it's a self-enforcing feedback loop that drives man and woman away from each other. And we are stuck pretty far into that loop.
Especially since the pandemic and the explosion of online-dating, we are socially disturbed anyways, but now we have to get some spidey-senses,
about what the other person would think about us in our respecitve role.
Women seem to get unrealisticly seeked out and man seem to face a lot rejection.
As much as you are scared of men I guess
As much men define themselves through woman or their capability to woo them. So this "hunting" "being hunted" dynamic in all of this dating dynamic is totally fucked by analysis paralysis, mirrors and projections.
@@sxmvpBut if a woman kills a man not a pipe from your or anyone. I get it you hate men and think women are sweet fragile angels
I'm taking a class on medieval literature and we were reading a play called "the second shepherd's play," and the heteropessimism is SO strong in it.
Here's an excerpt from a male character in the play: "But young men awooing, for God that you bought, be well ware of wedding and think in your thought: "Had I known" is a thing that serves of nought"
Here's an excerpt from a female character in the play: "Why, who wanders? Who wakes? Who comes? Who goes? Who brews? Who bakes? What makes me thus hoarse? And then it is ruth to behold, now in hot, now in cold, full woeful is the household that lacks a woman"
HOWEVER, the play starts with the characters complaining not about each other, but about the ruling class, whose practices at that time had rendered the land nearly un-farmable and who sat around getting richer while farmers labored day and night. This got me thinking about how heteropessimism isn't just tied to patriarchy, but also to capitalism and other hierarchical economic systems. If the men are being worked to the bone every day from morning til night just to make ends meet, that means the women are left to care for children and the elderly, tend to the household (cook, clean, etc), and then take care of their exhausted husbands when they get home. (It gets worse when you bear in mind that women at the time didn't have a right to refuse sex to their husbands, so they were performing sexual labor as well, with a liability to get pregnant every time they did so...) Partners in these systems are not given much of an opportunity to share labor in healthy and egalitarian ways because they're forced not to work for themselves, but to work for the elites above them. And wouldn't it be hard not to build up resentment as either person in that partnership, since you feel powerless to address the actual root cause of the situation? I think this is mirrored a lot in modern capitalism and that's why we continue to have these problems with the fragility of heterosexual partnership patterns and family structures. That's just my two cents!
This was super interesting! Thank you for sharing.
You're completely right, so much of modern sexism, homophobia, and other prejudices seem to stem from capitalism trying to force us into an unhealthy mode of living and relationships in order to make people as efficient at creating profit as possible. As well as sort of forcing women to have and raise children with very little help, to create new workers for the society with no compensation.
That’s so cool!
Excellent point!
Absolutely. All other valid points in the broader context of this phenomenon aside, I think the late stage capitalism piece of this is much more culpable and much less discussed than it should be.
Honestly there’s no room for anyone to care anymore . I am an angry woman and every turn I feel criticism even if it’s valid it’s continuous . There’s no room to breathe process and self care enough. The world as we know it is absolutely judgemental and it’s tiring.
I empathize with so much of this and I just want to offer the suggestion that self care likely isn't supposed to be "enough" and part of the issue in these growing divisions are making community, and the care we'd be receiving from taking part in it, much rarer.
I wish you luck in finding more loving (romantic or otherwise) and caring relationships that will help lessen your burdens.
a fucking men
not to to mention that more people are more selfish and self involved. I think. More people are out for themselves and their own interests and more people are getting the short end of the stick and less trusting because of it. Plus shit flows downstream so some people are more greatly impacted than others
I understand the frustration and constant pressure you're under. It's tough when it feels like there's no room to breathe or be yourself without criticism, and the journey towards self-care and lessening the burden can seem lonely. It's disheartening to see divisions grow, pushing us into self-preservation rather than community care. And it's true, the world does often seem more selfish, making trust harder to build. In trying to adapt and grow, I'm learning that my role is not just to listen, but to actively create spaces where genuine support and empathy can flourish.
*hug*
I eventually got tired from hearing phrases like "you need to learn to be on your own" or "we are all alone" that I started replying "aren't we supposed to live in a society?". I don't pay my own salary, I am not my own government, I can cure my own seasonal coughs but I wouldn't know what to do if I caught pneumonia other than rushing to the nearest doctor...We are stuck in a world full of people and we depend on all of those people for everything but it seems none of us really want to make our presence bearable for each other. As in, practicing forgiveness, caring for each other, being patient and undestanding...
As per not being room for self care: The funniest part is that those things are demanded from us. You should be sane and pretty because the people that don't give af about you should also be confortable when you're around.
An interesting question popped in my mind when you said some men aren't trying to be misognyistic as much as they are just trying to impress other men. Do men also suffer from the male gaze?? that there's this invisible male eye peering down on them at all times to make sure they keep within the strict lines of masculinity the way it does women with feminity/beauty?
Yes. And your idea of a male gaze is something that starts when boys are young. It gets enforced on to them by their fathers, by other boys in school, and other adult men. I was raised by a single mom who taught me to be loving and respectful but that shit does not fly once you are around other boys who are raised under stereotypical patriarchical guidelines.
Kinda, it's more of a self policing shame that's ingrained into you since an extremely young age for doing anything "feminine." Like dolls? Shamed. Like makeup? Shamed. Cry? Shamed. Friends with a girl? You better believe a young boy's never gonna here the end of it, even from grown ass adults.
After having that forced on for so many years, starting so young, it eventually is just how your mind works. It can be unlearned, but it's a long, hard process. I'm a trans women and I still feel nervous just wearing women's clothing even around my very accepting friends. Shit sucks :/
Yep. Male gaze hits men pretty hard as well.
they absolutely can suffer from expectations, real or perceived, to look a certain way. it's just that that entails being very fit, tall in american (possibly other western/northern european countries) culture, having masculine features like good facial hair and a defined jawline. but at the same time it seems there is less pressure to meet this than there is for women to meet their beauty standards, but that's just my onion
@@eg4441 While I cannot speak for women as I am not a woman, I will say that for men, especially in lower income environments it boils down to "be hot or die alone". Yeah, we don't face problems outside of the dating game, but it still sucks. And while men generally have the ability to compensate for that with cash, you never get a good partner when all you can offer is cash.
11:10 Being gay doesn’t just mean proficiency in interior design and being chummy with your female friends. It’s also dealing with your self-perception and the misogyny of not being a desirable ‘man’ or being told femmes are unwelcome.
And dealing with other men struggling with the same ^^*
As a straight woman.. I’m sorry you had to go through that..
@@Iamhere829 awwww poor thing 😂
I won't lie, it does hurt my feelings when people say they won't date men/won't talk to them etc even when they attracted to them because they so horrible. I really appreciate Khadijah acknowledging that that can hurt a bit. Not saying it's wrong to choose not to engage with men if it's traumatizing/exhausting etc though, my feelings aren't more important than another person's comfort, and I'm glad women are building the romantic relationships that serve them, even if that means avoiding men. That's totally valid. Something I think men in general (or at least me) could work on is recognizing that it's ok to acknowledge that people saying: "I'm attracted to men but have divested from them because they are traumatizing/tiring etc." can be hurtful or whatever while still being 100% valid. Everyone ain't for everybody. Plus many, many men hurt the women in their relationships, it's just reality. So I get it. Edited to try and word some stuff better
@@butterflymafia I think on top of that too is that in general dating seems so much more harder than before on BOTH ends, and I have to think that the genuine guys who are out there who just haven’t gotten lucky enough to simply go on a date just are faced with a seemingly insurmountable wall of “we don’t see you as safe” - it’s kinda hurtful, but there’s nothing that you can really do about that. Those are the experiences people have had, and just because you’ve been like a hermit removed from a lot of it, it doesn’t mean people are entitled to understand where *you’re* coming from themselves.
I really appreciate the generous responses, y'all!
Couldn't agree more. I understand that the fault lies with patriarchy and other men, but ironically it becomes a bit of a double-whammy - on one hand, it hurts when your gender is seen as inherently toxic, but on the other, I *get* why so many women feel this way because a lot of men are abusive, are lacking in compassion and understanding, are creating the world where women are rather divesting entirely from men than dealing with the harm men cause. If anything, the fact that I 100% understand why women are feeling this way and saying these things is the most hurtful part.
I volunteer with troubled (mostly young) men, and many of them both hurt a lot and lack emotional literacy to manage this hurt, or other feelings, in a constructive manner.Hence, I think we men who have better tools to handle these things have the opportunity to do a lot of good for our brothers (and by extension for womankind, though I'd argue this shouldn't be the primary focus).
@@Babycake. I'm really sorry to hear that you've had that experience - I know how difficult it can be to come to terms with your sexuality. I hope that as time passes, the trauma you feel will get easier to manage, and that you'll one day be at peace with yourself and the orientation you were born with in spite of the harm caused by many men and the patriarchy
WGTOW, not my business.
As a bisexual woman I have had so many negative romantic, sexual, and social experiences w straight men (I’m gen z, 21) that I have chosen to no longer participate in heterosexuality. The men I have interacted with and have seen my close friends interact with are overwhelmingly entitled and misogynistic, even while claiming otherwise. I feel lucky that I am attracted to women and therefore able to fully divest of men, and it has made my life so much more peaceful
How is a bi woman dating a man called doing a heterosexuality? Isnt that still just bisexuality? Sorry im still learning
@@tofuteh2348 It’s still OP being bi, it’s just OP is using the term heterosexuality to easily describe their relationship (or lack there of) with straight men. They probably will still the attraction to straight men but because of OPs experience they might never get into a relationship, whether if it’s romantic or not, with one again.
@@facethreetimes thank you
“Doing a heterosexuality” is such a funny phrase. I wanna start saying that now
With cis men...it's that it's exhausting being with someone who just doesn't get it (the toxicity of patriarchy, misogyny, etc). I don't have a good experience with anyone though regardless of identity or orientation because app based dating is not it 🤦🏻
My dad made his own lunch and dinner yesterday and my mom, genuinely congratulated him and said 'good job'. Agh!!!! Blessed to be asexual.
Some cishet men would rather starve then pick up the butter knife and bread, we need to teach our boys how to cook and clean while they're young because they won't always have a wife to baby them
Screaming💀💀 the bar is in the Netherworld
@@novacaine_ I totally read "the bar is in the Netherlands" and was like what did the Dutchmen do?
@@thegnome73we did quite a lot of bad shit 😶🌫️
@@thegnome73 HELP 😭😭
Great topic! So I’m probably your mom’s age-ish, and I just had to comment. I hope it’s not too long. This lifestyle was forced upon me. After being SA more than once, I was pretty much forced to get a boyfriend (I was a child) for protection. I had no interest in boys. They terrified me. I ended up getting married and having kids, getting divorced and trying again. As a child I dreamt of a life of traveling and freedom with no kids or a husband. If I was young it todays world, I would be child free by choice (and I love my kids dearly) and I’d be happily asexual with hopefully a QPR. Definitely panromantic.
I can completely identify with this. I had no idea that I could be non-heterosexual in my youth due to my cultural and religious upbringing. If I was just 10 years younger I’m sure I would have made different choices as far as my sexuality is concerned. I believe a lot of the pessimism comes from ppl who don’t feel they can choose to be who they truly want to be.
Heterofatalism is just a coping mechanism. Hand remains in unloving hand by design, these powerarchal structures make love transactional and less human
If I hear another cis man talk about being in my feminine energy, I'm going to scream. Never been happier to be pansexual and have options lol. 🤣
men need respect and women need love, duhhhhh lol they're so ridiculous
Lmao exactly
Lmao it's so many cis Black women that make content on this bullshit "divine femininity" nonsense. Girl it's beyond exhausting 😩 😂🤦🏾♀️!
Yeah as a pan trans guy I like to joke that I'm t4t except for cis ladies, meaning I'll date anyone but a cis man. Trans men, cis women, trans women, enby folk, everyone but cis men
Why?
I really, truly feel for straight people. It's rough being queer in a cisheteronormative world, don't get me wrong, but we at least get to see the machine from the outside; being stuck in it while it chews you up must feel hopeless and terrifying. It makes sense that so many straight people's knee jerk response is to deny it's there or at the very least deny that they're being hurt by it.
It took me a long time to see it. I had a knee jerk period all through my teens, but now that I’m seeing it, the machine, patriarchy, oppression, colonialism, capitalism, my own privilege therein. I recognize that as a straight white male I have advantage in terms of power structures, social and economic hierarchies, all that cold soulless shit I hate, but we are feared and despised by people of our generation. You know, potential peers, who’s opinion I actually care about. I recognize my privileges but I am still absolutely miserable, a bad week from offing myself, so the slow motion ever growing realization that everything is worse than it’s always seemed, combined with the common attitude that I am just a potential abuser who should just shut up, it’s… uh… it’s sure something.
@@Peanutjoepap24that's not normal man, i can see how it must feel like that being a white guy in progressive lit spaces but when you're not a bad person you shouldn't be harsh on yourself because of your place in something you can't control. I'm not white or a guy but if you feel like that, take a step back and reflect/cut out spaces that make you feel terrible. You can choose to be intellectually challenged while still being kind to yourself.
@@Peanutjoepap24also everything is not worse than before, alot of impactful progress is being made incrementally we're absolutely going to be better off as time passes. ^That's just not a fact. About the last part, many a time queer feminist communities are thought of as safe spaces to vent out the sadness and rage of marginalised people, if you internalise alot of the messaging from there, then you'll essentialize your identity (male/white/cis) to be something inherently shameful and oppressive, which is bad both for yourself and for causes like feminism, anti racism etc. because the goal of these movements is not to make everyone in the oppressive group feel guilty it's to bring everyone together to make it so that the group hegemony no longer exists.
Oh boo hoo, it's so hard being straight
@@Peanutjoepap24You shouldn’t take to what others think so deeply, lol the loud progressive moment always shouting with absolutely no aim. They in fact wouldn’t care about you offing yourself because they can be just as bad as you perceive yourself to be. The only thing you’re doing is inflicting yourself with a mental crisis, let it go man..
Don’t let these wannabe try hard to be different virtue signalers destroy your psyche…
As a gay guy I’m often thinking the gay community isn’t doing too well, then I look at the straight community and am like “Well I guess we’re not doing too bad after all.”.
I have a doctorate in educational leadership and I’m a researcher and I love your videos. I remember my first marriage and constantly telling him I am not a child nor am I your child. How are we expected to grow up and become adult women and become infantilized once married. Perhaps that’s one reason girls were married off super young to adult men. They kind of stunt their growth emotionally yet expect woman activities. Chile…..where my mind just went.
infantilizing women yet at the same time going to BAT for how men "don't grow up they just grow old". the patriarchy is wild.
Honestly its wild, Im also seeing it with ‘men and women cant be friends, they can only barely stand each other to have sex’ like thats sad. Im a lesbian with male friends, and I think them knowing theres no universe where it happen and me being very high standard in what I stand makes a difference. But God knows Im not the hater out here! People are out here acting as if we are separate species and it is this continued battle of sexes
I'm tired of heteropessimism being used as a tool to make women be nicer about their anger when women being angry about their experiences has only just started becoming normalised and there's already an ongoing and wide-spread manosphere incel online backlash also becoming mainstream. It is also so centred on the global north perspective and experience. Frankly even as a poc in the global north, like myself, I find it difficult to relate to this thinking as there is specific forms of misogyny and male violence against women and girls that communities bring with us wherever we go. To quote black activists, if you're not angry you're not paying attention. Trans rights are human rights, black lives matter, listen to black women, stop asian hate, free palestine, stop telling women to stop being angry. You can't tell an oppressed class to not be angry at their oppressors once they have reached a class consciousness that unlocks that common anger. It doesn't work and it feels like an attempt at control. Peace and love people. ✌🏽
I wish that I could double like this comment
Oh didn’t you hear? We’re not allowed to call men an oppressor class anymore. It hurts their feelings and like, marginalized men exist, so how could they oppress anyone 🥺 misogyny affects everyone equally 🥺
@@leia4190 The reason why a lot of men don't like being called oppressors is because they don't like being blamed for something they have not done. It is as simple as that.
Kind of like black people not liking to be called "thugs" just because of their skin tone. Most black people are just people. They're not the stereotype folks built up of them.
You can criticize shitty aspects of society without blanketing ~half of the population.
Yes. Don’t ever let this be forgotten. You see.
Damn it's almost like when you tell a generation of boys 'men ain't shit' and feed it to the girls they'll grow up to resent women. (I'm talking ab the #metoo, girlboss, whatever u wna call it 'white feminism' of the early to mid 2010s that really put 3rd wave feminism on the map to the publics' eye)
Thank you for emphasizing a definition of patriarchy that emphasizes behavior. Even many men who claim to be feminist still act patriarchal, and some of the least patriarchal men I know would never call themselves a feminist. Also, love the comment about sharpening contradictions💜❤️🧡 And yes, too many men only think of female partners as a status symbol (and vice versa). We are all babies😂 Like Christ, and as the Dao would tell us to be, we are babies💙
actions always speak louder than words. i wouldn’t want a man to outright deny being a feminist when asked, but it’s also weird if he CONSTANTLY talks about how much of a feminist is. passiveness (not in action) and letting other people label you as such is more of a green flag then the two extremes i listed. just like with every other social justice issue, the non-marginalized group doesn’t get to label themselves as allies, that is the job of the marginalized.
Men should not be calling themselves feminists.
@@queenamidala3620 It's a good thing you don't make the decisions for everyone then. huh? Maybe there's a reason for that.
I appreciate your emphasis on behavior over labels. It's a reminder for me that embodying the values we profess takes consistent, reflective action. As I navigate these changing times, I aim to do more than just claim labels; I seek to understand and dismantle the patriarchal behaviors I've been exposed to, consciously working towards being an ally in more than just name. It’s about growth and the willingness to listen, learn, and change.
Remember that labels DO have a purpose. They, among other things, let us know when we've encountered a kindred spirit. That's valuable.
I gave up on men, the entitlement of most of them and then being sucked into several super manipulative, toxic relationships. I decided I'm out, I would rather be alone and work on my own projects than have to take care of an adult man child. The dating pool is less of a pool and more of a rapidly evaporating mud puddle these days. It helps that I'm on the ACE spectrum and don't feel a need for any type of physical relationship.
What if you dated women? You don't think you'd run into any issues?
@@ChillingTales12 I'm sure dating women also has it's draw backs, but as I'm not attracted to them at all, not really an option for me. I'm perfectly happy being single and trying to be with men has been nothing but trouble. Why is someone not wanting to be in a relationship so hard to understand?
@@dempseydoodle2010 I understand but you haven't dated every man in the world but it seems you've been corrupted probably traumatized. Well dating women for me has been a nightmare so your actually lucky. I'm starting to think dating and friendships just aren't worth it anymore not even family. I'm going to give with a pack of wolves
@dempseydoodle2010 this karenrobledo person has been all over the comment section bothering people. Just ignore.
“rapidly evaporating mud puddle” really got me good 😂
I love this so much, i think alot of female frustration (from many conversations i have) come from men's unwillingness to unlearn patriarchal teaching, and they don't want to do that work for them, too
It goes for females too, is sl*t pride and using multiple males for s*x at the same time not just internalising the toxic male standard?
And feminism destroying femininity. Most modern females would make terrible mothers, but reject the males who would make decent mother figures as they aren’t mAnLy.
Sometimes I wonder if all of this is also connected to everyone having an unhealthy attachment style and not seeing any positive representation of what a relationship really is. I have been with my partner for a year now, but for a long time I didn't even realize I was into him because I was like "hmm I feel really comfortable around him and I don't feel really stressed out all the time so that's not romantic attraction". It's insane how much straight people don't seem to realize that you should also be FRIENDS with the person you are with romantically. But also, this is the exact trap I was in for so long without realizing it.
GOD! Cis het male here, and you don't understand the look on my face when I asked my mother to name a single reason why she ever got with my dad. Something, *anything* at all, that she liked about him. Her response? She fuckin made a face I can only describe as reading, "Well what can you do?" and shrugged, and said "I dunno." I had thought for a long time something was wrong with my parents relationship when I was young, because even before they started getting at each other, it wasn't very often where it felt like they actually *liked* each other as people.
Yes, I think for women who stay in relationships but aren't being abused or threatened, relationships that they can leave and don't like but choose to stay in anyways, I think this can have something to do with it. And I find most people aren't very clearheaded, they live in the drama rather than communicate or leave.
I'm straight but I cannot believe that that's news to other straights. Like... I knew even as a kid how awesome it'd be to fall in love with your best friend, like... does that fantasy stop at puberty or something? XD It's such a no-brainer but apparently it's not.
And then there's me getting super offended with the 'I hate my wife/gf' boomer jokes cus that doesn't make a shit of sense except for misogyny. 😭
It is truly depressing when I hear what so many men think about women and the things they excuse. Men who I thought were upstanding and decent were bending over backwards to defend K. Samuels and claiming that hes right, its just the way he says it. Things were always kinda ashy between women and men but the Manosphere really opened some eyes.
People went from saying it's just incels to its just online losers to its just online content creators capitalizing on a trend to it just being chronically online men. Then we started seeing regular men co-signing it. People tested common talking points with men in their lives and discovered the vile way of thinking that was normalized and so common. No it wasnt all men but it was more than enough to become scary, infuriating, disgusting and sad. The current iterations of "men are trash" is quite literally a response to men coming out and outlining all of the ways that many of them are morally bankrupt. It became very clear that this is a way of thinking that past generations of men had the good sense to hide but now men are talking about how much they hate women and how good it feels to harm them while teaching others to do the same. Pessimism seems like a valid response
Can you give me some examples of what you speak of?
It wasn't hidden. The sexes have integrated in many apsects of life. Men & women had their own spaces where they could talk freely which included ideas & opinions that arent politically correct. Those don't exist anymore. Unflattering truths of both genders are on full display for everybody to see now, it's almost unavoidable at this point.
Our mothers and grandmothers passed down stories and warnings. If a man wants to be an asshole to women then he isn’t passing the minimum qualifications for us. But rather than take our legit criticism and learn and actually get women men throw a tantrum. If essentially all women are telling men something maybe stop asking questions and live in our reality or don’t and leave us alone. Men don’t think we have evolved and been reared by in a way that would mean we know what we want?
@@treacherousjslither6920 Example:- Andrew tate. SAed 2 women, had a whole website like onlyfans & forced/scammed women to join it. After all this He is still respected by many men & boys internally saying he is ''tOp G"🤢
What about listening to K. Samuels automatically makes a man non-upstanding? And what are you referring to when you say “it”?
I can only speak for myself, but I feel there’s an aspect left out of this. I’m a straight guy who sometimes falls into heteropessimism and it’s not because I’m upset that women aren’t submitting to patriarchal gender norms. If anything it’s the opposite, because I’m from Texas and often enough, run into tradwife types who get the ick from me specifically not embodying the patriarchal gender norms. It’s not everyone or even most, but those are the moments when the pessimism comes.
The pessimism comes from my feeling trapped by gender norms/patriarchy, not because women don’t let me uphold it. The culture infects all of us, and feels so impossible to overcome it sometimes. But either way, I’ll always insist on being myself, even if it’s outside the bounds of what society considers a proper man. Patriarchy can’t make me!!
I hope you continue to stay true to yourself and that you will not fall into fatalism. And if that's what you want, find a woman who don't conform to patriarchal gender norms. :)
I live in Texas and I get so mad that there's so many tradwifes out here putting us women 100 years back. 😭 They'd celebrate if they lose their right to vote, istg.
I am truly so tired of the hate. Seems like the “dating advice” content has reached an all-time high and it’s exhausting. I’m in my late 20s and stopped dating a couple months ago (at least, online dating lol) and feel so much better now 😅 I need a year to myself!
Mysogyny as a form of men trying to impress men is an excellent observation.
That was such an insightful comment, "How are you supposed to be attracted to someone you can't trust."
The key to healthy and loving hetro relationships is friendship. If you have a strong friendship with the other person, the relationship will be solid for years. If you don't start off as friends, like a love at first sight scenario, hold off having sex until you know them well. It's not for any moral reason. It's just that positive pre sex relationship will be what you fall back on to reconnect when the relationship hits rough patches. Friendship or dating without sex straight away is like a solid foundation you can re build your house on if needed.
Part of Western society is that boys and girls aren't allowed to start as friends. They do of course, as little kids, but it quickly gets gendered and jokingly sexalized by adults and then not too long after it becomes about boy germs and girl germs for the little kids. Boys and girls are taught rivalry based on gender.
The famous poet Ovid, who was a sexist tool bag, did nevertheless speak the truth when he said "Love will come cloaked in friendship's name."
This is the way. Thank you for sharing this insight.
In my first serious relationship, we made the mistake of acting on our physical chemistry too soon and when the sex stopped, the relationship suffered irreparable damage.
Now that I am single, I am celibate and it is a game changer while dating! I've met men with whom I had amazing chemistry but after getting to know them, I quickly see the many ways in which we are incompatible.
Without sex blinding me to their faults, it's easier to practice discernment and make sure I'm with someone for the right reasons. My friends who continually sleep with the first person they find attractive are going through hell in comparison.
Ultimately, focus on building a solid foundation and let friendship, not lust, guide you.
Definitely agree with this. The only person I ever had any real feelings for was a really good friend of mine. Unfortunately it didn't lead to anything, but fortunately we remained friends. I don't think I could ever be actually attracted to someone I don't really know, however good looking they might be.
I'm kind of shocked not very many millenials think this way (im 33). It could be because I was raised Catholic (now agnostic lol) but I always always thought that the best way to do it is being friends first and wait to get physical after you know each other. Having sex soon after meeting is not the way I'd do things, you're just having flings at that point, not looking for anyone as a life partner.
To add to these comments: all the most satisfying, emotionally healthy and connected bonds ive had this lifetime have been with women, trans people and queer men. Ive given up years of my life giving help and energy to men living the 'normie het' life and they appear like carbon copies of each other. Its depressing and infuriating. I liken patriarchal male conditioning to an opiate than keeps them sedated though life
Why did your comment just give me newfound hope in love 💖🥰. I’m a queer femme and I’m totally ready to begin a fulfilling queer relationship when it’s time 🥰
@@heysilly1341 I'm happy I gave you hope
you're so d//umb and brainwashed 😂
the idea of emotional objectification, that men can exploit us for more than sex and household labour and see us as not just unpaid maids and sex workers, but therapists as well, was mind blowing to me when I figured it out half a decade ago. and that men who are otherwise good, who insist they don't want to use women for sex, will happily use women for emotional comfort without a second thought. I was dealing with a dude who at the time "just wanted someone to cuddle", and I was just there thinking "it's like we're emotional support plush toys now lol".
and to give men the benefit of the doubt, because I do try to do that, they're not aware of it, it's just how they were raised to see us. the problem comes when you try to explain it to them, and they dig their heels in and insist NO I'M NOT LIKE THAT NOT ALL MEN# and go super *online* lol :(
Those kind of dudes are in denial and can’t handle the fact ur figuring them out lol
@@markigirl2757 not wanting to confront the truth about your bad behaviour is very human. I was in denial about my prejudices for a looooong time :(
Good point. I do not rely on anyone else for emotional support. This is just plain old traditionalism.
@@pavelthefabulous5675 It's normal to rely on others for emotional support from time to time. We are social beings after all.
It can become a problem if it is all the time and only about them and they expect others to solve their problems.
But there is nothing wrong with wanting a shoulder to cry on sometimes or a good hug. That's just normal human behaviour.
@@danika9411 100%, it has to be mutually offered and received though. my observation is that a lot of men will be completely emotionally unavailable while expecting women to hug away all their problems :(
I wish we’d throw away the words feminine & masculine at this point. They’re made up concepts yet EVERYONE who uses the terms uses them as if they’re rules. Smh I’m tired of seeing it!
Straight woman and proud. Just not into dating anymore because everyone is sick, upset, tired, broke, worked to the bone etc. We are currently in the Great Depression or a recession and no one wants to talk about it.
Sometimes I'm afraid women will just be too afraid to exist in my presence for extended periods of time, but some pep talks from my sister and her friends made me realise that the bar to being a man who doesn't make people's lives worse is surprisingly low. It doesn't seem any different from being a friend.
Honestly the amount of times my galpals have vented about problems their men just can’t seem to change, and they’re literally CRYING over these issues 5+ years down the line and I’m like… sis, there’s no way staying in this relationship is worth this pain and suffering? But they stay anyway and a month later they’re back to posting couple pictures on their stories or IG or whatever talking about how “I love you so much, we’ve been through so much together” as if you weren’t in my ear telling me how you didn’t see him as a good father figure the other night… the straights are NOT okay.
turning 30 this weekend and realized the world is in a pessimism state. the level of grifting hate does make you feel awful.
Now that I know this word, I immediately thought of the show Married with Children. Heteropessimism was the entire plotline of that show 😆
🎯 Used to watch it in my teens...and thought it was funny...once i catch some re-runs on my late 30s and i was kinda gross out about how blatant the misoginy was...and the live audience cheering every nasty comment from Al didnt help much 🤦🏽♂️🙄. I couldnt return to watch the show.
Good one. Never understood why Al wasn't too happy with Peg. But, apparently he was bitter over being able to do better and had to settle.
I’m in my mid 40s and I only know 1 woman that’s sort of happy in their marriage and I don’t know any faithfully married men…not one 🥴
Oof this video was for me. I have been feeling extra bitter about heterosexuality recently. I know #notallmen, but every man (and everyone) lives with patriarchy conditioned into them to some degree, even if they’re a feminist. It’s easier for women to just say men are inherently trash than to acknowledge we are fighting against +20 years of sexist conditioning in our potential partners and friends. It’s overwhelming. A lot of women have to teach men to unlearn these things and teach them how to communicate, while teaching ourselves to overcome some of our traumas over men in order to have healthy relationships with them. This is an insane amount of emotional labor, even if man is a willing student. This should’ve been his parents job, not his partner’s. I don’t mean to infantilize. In all sincerity, it’s not entirely boys’ fault that they are ignorant. We don’t choose the environment we’re raised in. But men need to step up and take more active roles in their unlearning. And they need to teach it to each other to lift the burden off women.
🙌🏻🙌🏻
@@lucievelyn4866i believe they were talking about the amount of years any individual guy has spent being conditioned, not society as a whole.
Wait a minute, are you trying to justify the sentiment that all men are trash? I've dated a lot of women who aren't exactly "apart from the system" in terms of how they view dudes, but I wouldn't use that to justify calling ~half the population garbage.
I really hope I misinterpreted your comment.
@@snkybrki #notallmen! 🥺
@@mariebourgot4949 Sister, if you're going to try and troll, at least put some effort into it.
Imo a lot of the heteropessimism I see from men, stems from having to stick to the str8 dating script. From being expected to initiate everything to the never ending 1st date discourse, there are parts of the dating script that men don't naturally align with or don't want to partake in, yet they see it as the only way to do the str8 dating.
I've lost count of how many times I've seen the mens dating advice of "just be yourself" responded with "I tried that and it didn't work"
A lot of men choose to change parts of themselves to get better at dating (even if they like that part about themselves), because they see no other choice or option, which leads to heteropessimism.
Also I'm not saying that str8 women don't also experience this.
THIS!!!!!!!
the men online that seek advice for this also are probably the ones pursuing certain types of women that they honestly can't upfront be themselves around; i imagine for many of these guys their interests don't quite align with the interests of women they seek out, and they have no idea how to cultivate a relationship from this point. plus the women they seek out likely have ways of behaving and socializing that are too different to their own
@@eg4441 Yep. Pressure from society to attract certain kinds of women can really hurt a man.
@@eg4441Even if their interests align with women, if those interests are coded "feminine" it could work against them. For example a straight man being into makeup, painting their nails or certain types of fashion.
Personally I'm into astrology and apparently that's a 🚩. I've been told that from people both into and not into astrology 🙄🙃😶
I follow this role reversal subreddit. You’re correct. So many guys feel the need to stealth there dating preferences as it is really hard to get a date as a straight guy if you’re femme. And masculine women get fetishized.
Men and women can both act in ways that uphold patriarchy within the relationship, and that can place a barrier in the relationship. When that happens repeatedly to people, that can really lead to a sense of defeat. The main difference between the two parties, though, is that this situation doesn't (usually) threaten men physically or mortally the way it does women. Both parties can have valid grievances, but the stakes are just so much higher for women.
Bi woman here who has been in a relationship with a man for several years. In the beginning i did have to deal with some patriarchal baggage from my partner, but i have been incredibly fortunate to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship. However, being aware of how many men are, i have resigned myself to never date another man if we break up. I don’t want to deal with all of the patriarchal baggage from both me and a potential other male partner that could get in the way of my happiness, and honestly being aware of society, i am pretty afraid of men in general
I fully agree, this topic has blown out of proportion since 2020 negl. The internet is now exposing what people have been internally discussing as well as in their friend groups etc.
Best representation of patriarchy and gender roles I’ve seen was in “Things Fall Apart” by Chinua Achebe. It’s crazy to see some of these gender roles from the Igbo Tribe of Nigeria 300 years ago still in action today. So many undercover Okonkwo’s out there.
This goes exactly in line with a book I read the tragedy of sexuality. Talked about how society had to get “men and women to like each other” it’s so crazy. But heteropessimism is exactly this!
All men's bitterness and hetero pessimism comes from the haves vs have nots paradigm. When you're taught that the only way you will ever get love, affection, validation from a woman is by initiating everything and being primary pursuer, this naturally ingrains bitterness and deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and feeling undesired, unwanted, and invalidated.
All your desires for women turn into, "how do I compete better with other men so I can get the affection of a woman who I know will never make a move on me first in any capacity, including sexually?" And when you factor in that a bunch of men want the same women, the kind you like, you can see where the competition comes in. The leading with money because how else do I differentiate myself to get love?
I thought I had to provide and that was it. Then the news that it's not enough hits. And the cycle continues. This dynamic is the root of violence towards women. Being born into a position where you are inherently low value and work for the remainder of you finally get your pick and feel wanted. It's not an excuse for bad behavior. But it is the root cause.
17:42 I'm trying to come up with how to nicely express "I've been harassed and groped and told I'm lucky it wasn't worse than that, and this happens to every woman I know because of male entitlement. Also every man I've tried to have a romantic relationship with has neglected and abused me because of the same entitlement. I can't trust men in general, especially cishet men who have no reason to question the norm of their own entitlement, and I won't date them anymore." Like, yeah, none of that is nice, because it's coming from a place of having been traumatized by men. I'd prefer to *not* have been traumatized and to not feel that way. But I have been and I do, and I get blowback for saying so because I'm not "nice" about it. Even general statements like "we should expect more of men and teach men how to be better" get all this backlash because so many of them are so entitled to doing whatever they want that being told their behavior is harmful is taken as "attacking men." It's deeply frustrating.
0:19 You can’t watch a Hindi movie without some allusion to men vs women. I blame schools and this whole ‘boys vs girls’ nonsense like excuse me I’m homosexual and I’m given dirty looks by both lol
😂😂
I've got a younger brother who derives most of his confidence from what the little girl he's interested in, likes. He's like most young 13 yr. old boys who get conditioned early seeing where all the attention is focused on. Athletes, rappers, or people with fame. How do we make the reformed man a thing if that's not what's actually desirable to the majority? It almost feels like we're asking for the hardware update before ensuring there's actually infrastructure to support it.
You just explained why the Manosphere/Red Pill and types like Andrew Tate/Sneako are so popular among young men. If the enviorment around men does not change to encourage the type of wanted behaviour, they become cynical and resentful when they try to enact that change and get negative results that dissuade them from continuining down that path. They will change for whatever they perceive is bound to get them results and to whatever makes them feel SEEN.
It's honestly really disappointing how this was completely ommited from the conversation, especially with Khadija already having covered the "bisexual men" double standard. I really hate this framing of "well the onus is on men to get this patriarchy thing fixed". If you genuinely believe this, just expect more cynical Red Pill type communities to pop up in the future.
Yeah I think that's actually a way that patriarchy sabotages women too. A lot of women fetishize one or more of the patriarchal male archetypes on one hand and then on the other hand are like, "But why are all the guys I'm into so patriarchal?" I am not joking when I say a lot more people need to start thinking about some of their preferences in terms of kinks so they can explore them through sex games instead of dating men that live their daily lives embodying patriarchal stereotypes.
@@bobafetteste I was also that little boy. Trying to find what made me special and important in a world that always made me feel like my value was rooted in how well I could protect a woman, make money to provide for a family or sexually satisfy a woman (patriarchy). At 16 the only thing I knew I didn’t want to be was physically weak (I needed muscles), a “scrub” (broke) or a “minute man” 😂😂😂 I don’t say this to negate any woman’s experience but the conversation always seems to end with “Hey men, you did this, it’s your fault and you have to fix it.” But sooo many of these pressures are placed on us as well. Just wish we could have the full dialogue so that bridge is properly built. Instead of coming into the conversation with a “bad guy” assigned, we can all engage as people thrust into systems that didn’t benefit us.
Hard agree. FD Signifier was actually talking about points like this in his manosphere video. Lots of these boys are lost and looking for dating success and these red pill dudes take advantage and exploit that. There needs to be more alternatives without all the misogyny and toxic masculinity.
@@TPlocksright. I hate that these conversations always turn into more finding a bad guy to attack than to work together to solve a problem that negatively effects everyone. It especially annoys me when men say things like "men are trash." Like bro, YOU of all people shouldn't being saying that. Be an example to show they don't have to be, that being a man doesn't automatically mean you have to have toxic masculinity. Instead saying that just pushes more toxic masculinity and pushes away many boys/men who otherwise might have listened.
10:10 Especially after watching ‘The Lost Daughter’, I realised that maybe I was an obstacle in my mother’s professional success. I do not believe in parents saying “My happiness is your happiness.”
"Humour the idea that this gender stuff might be a smokescreen to reify patriarchal standards." 💯💯💯
awww so smart, men are bad because patriarchy 😂😂😂
Honestly, this is the first time I've heard the term heteropessimism, but damn it makes sense. 😅
The only example of heteropessimism I've thought is justified was my grandmother. Her Dad was pure evil, she grew up in the 50s South (worst place for most people) , and her husband really screwed her over. My transition seems to actually be lessening instances when we talk, oddly, and idk if that's because she's healing or if it's just because I'm not gendered anymore.
well, in that case heteropessimism still wouldn't be justified. It is understandable, but it isn't justified. Her issues were with that specific man, (and assumedly with the patriarchy/system as a whole) not with "all men" (god I threw up a bit).
As someone who has been abused by multiple men, learning that it was those specific men, and not "men™" was difficult, but ultimately, my issues lie with the individuals, and the systems that created/perpetuated those individuals.
Again, its totally understandable, and I wouldn't say to someone who has been abused "hey you shouldn't be mad at all men, just the one" but that is the reality of the situation, and it takes a lot of self reflection and healing to be able to get to that point, but ultimately, it still isn't justified. Only explained and understandable.
As a straight, no they're not okay which is why I stay away. I'm sick of it! Someone always has a damn complaint about the other sex. Leave me out of it! 😂😂
Being a black hetero dude makes dating really difficult. I dated a girl who was textbook definition of heteropessism making "i hate men" jokes which i didn't mind at first, but i realized that the jokes weren't just jokes and i felt really disposable and it makes it hard for me to feel venerable when it feels like i have to constantly prove my innocent in any relationship i step into, and seen as inherently dangerous. I hold out hope but man its cold out here in these streets lol💀
I hope starts treating you better soon. Stay strong brother 💪
As a heterosexual cisgender man in my early 40s, who has always had a strained relationship with my mother and no real male role models except 80's & 90's action stars, I find myself constantly trying to please women, perhaps seeking the approval I missed in my youth. (It’s a miracle I found a partner that can stand me). Adapting to the modern understanding of relationships and gender dynamics is challenging. I want to change with the times but often feel scared to open up, fearing I might offend someone, especially on the internet. It's a delicate balance, trying to be true to myself while being sensitive to others in this evolving social landscape.
You sound like a compassionate communicator. Keep being kind to yourself on your life journey. You got this ☮️
You're doing a great job so far, honestly 👍
"Is the straight ok?"
Yeah, I'm doing fine, there's a new Khadija video, that's always a great time.
We will never witness the death of “I-HATE-MY-WIFE” boomer jokes. I gotta get over it ☠️
Don’t blame it on boomers. Those jokes come from the “greatest generation “. (Think Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, etc).
Wow as a cis straight woman, this term perfectly explains my experience. I'm 26 and have never dated (celibate by choice) and I genuinely don't think I ever will. The anxiety I get when thinking about dating is off the charts. I can't trust men and would rather be single than have to mother my partner. But I really want the companionship/joy of an equal loving relationship. It's very upsetting.
I recommend dating a trans man, especially one who transitioned relatively late in life. Having lived as a woman tends to give them a visceral-level empathy for women's experiences that cis men mostly lack.
I'm exactly the same, and I'm 33. 😢 It burns my hopelessly romantic heart knowing that I might not ever find a good man in this sea of sharks.
Your male counterpart probably has an AI girlfriend by now.
@@astolat2262 LOL
@@MK_ULTRA420 they've said the best shit to say, all they need to do is advise her to have a date with a transsexual AI
Men scare me. I don’t even like working with them. Dating them seems like a sure fire way of being murdered by one. Celibacy it is, for me.
you're so d//umb and brainwashed 😂
For the longest time, I strove to be a man who actually treats women like people, like equals; it was rough, I was surrounded by a culture that told me I couldn't do that if I wanted to be in a relationship. But then came the realization that I don't have to be a man at all, I can just be enby... so, c'est la vie.
Somehow the savior complex within me has saved me a few of these headaches cause I know all too well _why_ these men are like this. And when you can have a motherly presence, these men turn to babies. And that’s not even to insult them, they straight up have this like metaphorical child that’s been neglected all their life in their brains.
And they’ve been trying to fill the void with childish antics, games, and it’s obviously not working because all they’re doing is distracting themselves instead of being vulnerable.
But the women, the women are tired of constantly providing emotional labor for men. And men are so terrified of losing that, that it’s exactly contributing to this whole heteropessism mess.
Right no we’re at a point where men absolutely need better outlets, cause honestly the women are fine, they just need better healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with these emotionally repressed men.
I say we push for better access to therapy, encourage men to seek it, and who knows, maybe everybody will finally mature.
lol @ "theraphy"
Male heteopessimism seems to be focused on the before and the after of the relationship. MRAs talk about women divorcing men, but don't seem to understand why women actually do that (see the complaints of female heteropessimism). A lot of (seemingly insecure) men talk about difficulty in dating, struggling to get women's attention, getting called creepy for behavior that was seen as normal a generation ago, saying women judge them by their looks/height, worrying they are not as manly as other man and thus their woman will cheat.
Great insight!
Man here! I agree with everything said in the video I just wish Khadija would’ve leaned more into the subject of cruel optimism as it relates to patriarchy and how it frames what we desire. In my dating experience going through college, I can’t tell you how many leftist femmes and feminist women who still desire aspects of patriarchal roles in relationships. I’m always choosing where we go on dates, I’m (most of the time) expected to pay, I’m (most of the the time) expected to make all the sexual advances and even when I’ve asked previous partners (as well as my current partner) a lot of them have explained that they just prefer things to be that way. A lot of women still select for men who are fine with patriarchal dynamics in relationships that put a lot of leadership, initiative and decision-making roles in men and it’s no wonder given that we are ALL conditioned by patriarchal society.
The entire paradigm of heterosexual dating just needs to be thrown out.
Eternally blessed that I’m asexual and don’t need to deal with this bullshit
I recently found out that I'm aegosexual 😅
My friend's current partner used to have "men are trash" muted on his social media, something my friend only found out about because she confronted him about a different issue and he ended up bringing it up because he was essentially triggered (the whole "I'm a good guy" spiel and he didn't like being grouped in with misogynists despite the fact he did the misogyny).
I get it can be uncomfortable for your identity to be insulted, I had to swallow that pill as an Asian confronting my community's racism, but avoiding that discussion because you didn't like being called out in a way that you didn't feel was "respectful and productive" is shielding your ignorance and trying to frame yourself as the exception to the problem. My apprehension to recognizing my capabilities of being racist isn't that I felt discriminated against, it's that I wanted to be valued as "the good one" without actually challenging myself. It's entirely a me issue and men who denounce female rage because it hurt their feelings isn't women's faults either, its a mens issue.
It's frustrating that women are still expected to put in more effort and emotional maturity than men when dealing with misogyny when all you can really think and want to say is "men are trash". It's important to educate but women, as a whole, didn't sign up to be daily activists. We're victims in this scenario so why are we responsible for the outcome of it??
@@lucievelyn4866 I know 💀💀
I guess they talked it out and I don't wanna be the person who refuses other people's chances to grow (or else I'd be a hypocrite) but like... It didn't sit right with me when she decided to stay. 🤐
How do you grow so that you don’t take those things personally? I find myself logically understanding that they don’t mean me or even all men but are instead venting about very real and oppressive systems. But in the back of my head there’s always those hurt feelings of “look I’m trying my best here I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I’m not inherently a bad person, yadda yadda yadda…”
Like I’ve been really struggling with this cognitive dissonance
@@Sculpted_stacheSame here, it's hard not to feel like shit when I see comments like that and I'm both uncomfortable hearing them as well as uncomfortable for feeling that same unease. Like an extra bit of guilt, wishing I didn't have that response.
@@Sculpted_stache it can be one of those things where you have your "first thought and second thought" where you're first instinctive thought is propelled by your unconscious biases, or in this case feeling called out, and your second thought is recognizing what the actual issue is. What's important is that you act on your second thought instead of your first one (like what the boyfriend did lol). I think your first reaction being uncomfortable is natural, it's just your ability to tackle that discomfort in a way that doesn't invalidate or neglect women's problems that matters!
Yeah I don’t usually want to do the work either that’s why and I let my husband figure it out and tell him figure it out then and leave it at that lol. He ususally does and although we still got work (including me) don’t give up jsut yet but keep the convo going
All I can say is I’m semi-glad a HUGE mass of young girls and women are finally seeing men unmasked. How they talk about us with other men, what they really think of us.
It’s hard to see but it is necessary to understand them, to understand how derogatory and therefore meaningless their opinions on us are.
There is a significantly stronger sisterhood going around these days because of this and for that I couldn’t be happier. Change is slow but steady..
I've decided, as a pansexual woman, to log out of hetero (primarily sexual) relationships same way i did with AOL: never to log back in again. A couple reasons
- Found myself in unsafe situations with cis men
- never actually dipped my toes into other aspects of my sexuality
- learning what romantic love really looks like, learning to spot red flags and working on mine
- took a vow of celibacy for religious reasons so all the above points are moot
I'm stuck dating girls ugggh
Hope your vow of celibacy bring you enlightening ! 💜💜
Watching this whole video I kept thinking how the actor who played the original Gomez Addams in the 1960s "Addams Family" sitcom fought to make sure Gomez and Morticia had a healthy, loving marriage onscreen to separate the show from the rest of the family sitcoms at the time. It worked.
The term Heteropessimism is SO GOOD. On top of the term being really useful it’s just so fun to say
Also a pans femme they/them who is attracted to men and am really glad you differentiate between women “de-centering” men and the MAU and red pill men. I think hetero women opting out of the whole mess and putting themselves first is excellent.
I did my best to change for the better - reading about unequal labor and listening to podcasts by feminists, put in effort to be my best self. But now I'm just tired, unemployed, and burnt out. Being single and undesirable to women and seen as a strange homosexual sjw by men (I'm bi) so they avoid me too. Very lucky to have my family, and they are my primary companions now. I long for a partner, but I'm not looking for a partner to save me, just wish it was easier to have supportive male friends. Anyway take care of yourselves
i thought i was like this till i realized i dont have romantic attraction to men. and now i dont have physical attraction to them either. so .... i guess i was just closeted.
oh wait i never once called myself straight tho but idk maybe that doesnt matter
Great hearing you finaly feel like being yourself.
I literally just had this realization two months ago
Dang that's a scary and sad thought. To wonder if our moms would've never had us if society was different back then. Scary cause then you wouldn't be here, but also sad cause you wonder if your mom is fully satisfied with her life.
The need to control from certain men is icky as hell, and justifying it by calling it "masculine energy". Just ick.
another great analysis. i really appreciate your effort. I've always been a weirdo who couldn't understand any of the performative stuff people do in the name of fitting in and it almost gives me hope or something that more people are finally coming around.
my mom has definitely told me if she had actually thought outside the bubble of getting married and having kids she would have NEVER done it. so im livin life for all the woman who didn't think they could choose! 35, single and childfree!
Oof “these men a lot of the time do not even care about being that misogynistic- it’s a symptom of them trying to impress other men… are they attracted to the type of women they’re attracted to because they actually ARE, or because being with the most desirable types of women show that you are that man.”
All of this. This was a very well articulated video (as all of your videos are 🙌🏽❤️), thank you for this.
you're so brainwashed 😂
Heyy, I know you probably won’t see this and is not so much the topic but at around 9 minutes you talk about all the extra labor that is “a woman’s job” in taking care of everybody and the house
That was the subject of the essay for the Brazilian national test for entering colleges (I don’t know what the world in English is for that :p), we need to write a dissertation about the invisibility of that type of work and I remembered your videos right away! (Obviously not this one cause it was two weeks ago but it helped!)
So I guess thank you so much!! ❤
And it’s always nice to see this topic brought up again
If anyone is interested the test is called ENEM and almost 4 million people take it every year
That’s actually really encouraging!
that’s really cool, I hope you get in
I really like how you phrased it: "The canaries in the coal mines, we have to look out for the most disinfranchised people of society." As a man, I'm often frustrated about how while the patriarcal society we live in is framed as "Patriarchy is bad for all genders", it ends up being "let me spend 2 sentences about the men side and 3h on the women side". I understand the causes of that, it being obviously that women get the worse end of the stick. I dunno I just felt like your way of phrasing it is really efficient, I'll keep it in mind next time I talk feminism with my friends
On a sidenote this is the first video from you I'm watching, I really like the vibe of it. It does get jokey and light hearted but without being overly jaded nor overly cautious. Really good work, subscribed
I can't believe I never considered male comphet before and now I need to know more. Like are you attracted to that woman or do you just crave the male validation that being with her grants you? Ouch.
Honestly I’m a straight women & for me it’s literal fear. Like I’m terrified of straight men atp. I don’t hate them. I understand how quick & easily they can take my life because I see/hear how they joke about it. My sister was k*lled a couple years ago by a stranger. Idk any women in my community that weren’t r*ped by age 25 (Including me). There are good men but they often stay quiet because they fear these men too. I can’t tell who’s who so I’d rather be alone. I’m scared that I’ll die at the hands of a man too
I'm so glad you pointed out that the pessimism of women who date men is NOT equivalent to the pessimism from.men who date women cuz I was about to FIGHT lol. I know there's issues with political lesbianism but like....tbh I am heavy into decentering men rn and I am bisexual so ...idk why I would put myself thru this when most men, even the most seemingly feminist leftist ones I've known, don't ever do the deep inner work and change how they behave in daily life with women.
Men are still expected to be providers and protectors for women. And get shame for it when they aren't. Even some feminists still expect men to uphold certain gender roles.
Probably because women aren't having kids with the men who do those things.
This is making me grateful that my husband grew up with three sisters. He’s often more in tune with his emotions than I am.
Thanks Khadija!I bet your mom appreciates feeling seen by you in this way. Even if she will never acknowledge it.
I started as a 19 year old optimistic and romantic straight girl and 10 years later feel like a bitter woman lol. 90% of my sexual and or romantic encounters/ relationships have been on the spectrum from controlling/disempowering all the way to SA/DV and emotional abuse. I broke up my relationship of 5 years recently to DEcenter men, I would rather spend time with my friends and family and by myself than put myself in another traumatic situation. The therapy bills from my 20s are ridiculous. I would rather go through life without the expectation of dating and partnership , focus on my community and myself, while staying open if somehow I meet a man who is not defensive and is invested in deconstructing white supremacist patriarchal capitalism. That’s the bar!
As a pansexual woman with a lot of trauma from cis men, I definitely talk a lot of shit about men in general and throw in a “not you though honey” for my boyfriend. I think it’s more for bonding with women and trying to find catharsis from the continual oppression. But I’ve never heard of this term heteropessism, and I wonder if maybe being more positive about men could be a way of having higher expectations of them, but also like, having good men in our lives that we love. Cause my boyfriend really is wonderful.