Love?! Defining love in a "loveless" era
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- Опубликовано: 29 ноя 2023
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“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly, but the love of a free man is never safe. There is no gift for the beloved. The lover alone possesses his gift of love. The loved one is shorn, neutralized, frozen in the glare of the lover’s inward eye.”- Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye
Ooooof that final sentence is a doozey
💖💖💖
@Khadija, thank you gurl! 🌈🥰
Interesting 😎
whats real is the hate and the luv is all fake - my life expeirince in life as a black man with autism
I’ve talked with my mum about this a lot. For context, I’m Pakistani Muslim, and my parents are one of very few South Asian/Muslim couples ik that have had love marriages. My mum talks to me about how she knew my dad for yearssss before marrying him. How she put her schooling and taking care of her siblings over my dad yet he never left. How my dad became less angry and less confined to gender norms as he became closer to my mum. My mum moved twice yet my dad kept coming back in her life. Their love feels written in the stars man, I’ve described it to my friends as a “Bollywood Romance” lmao. The more I learn about others more negative experiences, I get scared. I get scared that I’m going to fail to live up to their marriage, or that they’re the exception that proves the rule of unhappy South Asian/Muslim families. But, I think I’m realising it’s the ability for two people to not have to rely on each other, to see themselves and not be blind in their adoration for someone else. And for them to see the mistakes in each other and themselves. Mashallah I don’t see them loving each other any less even after all these years. They don’t show love through grand gestures, or through constant touch. Just through, watching dramas, move nights, playing video games w me and my sis, they both provide financially and domestically. My dad does half the housework and most childcare + my mum is the main breadwinner, and neither of them feel threatened or less because of it. Maybe I’ve been given an idealised view, but I’m thankful I got to experience what a loving marriage can be through them. ❤
Really interesting! You will find love, you already know it🤍
That’s beautiful! they truly set a good example with their love story and their continued dedication to each other and your family 🤎
I have the same experience with my family! My parents had almost the ideal "Bollywood romance" and despite their parents being against it at first, they fought for each other and now it's been 22 years together! The biggest thing I love about them is their teamwork and they show their love everyday through actions.. just like your parents my dad handles the cooking and household work and my mom works..it's nice to see them straying from typical gender roles and making it work..it gives me hope for my future and what an ideal partnership could be!
This is genuinely such a pocket of joy to read!
As a person who grew up with only 1 parent, I feel like you should not be afraid at all. What you are missing out on is fake love. You know what real, proper, deep love looks like and you will know it when you have it too. I did not have an example like that and I went through a lot of toxic relationships because I didn't know what it should look and feel like. It meant I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had no idea until I could feel easier the moment it was over. Because you have the example, you won't have to question whether what someone gives you is love or not. You will be able to tell. I have that sort of love now and the difference is night and day. You do not want the useless love. Spend your time and energy on yourself, not people you will lose because they are not worthy of you. The joy in those relationships that are not based on real love is very temporary no matter how nice it might look. You know how a person should treat you, do not settle for less.
When you want to show someone your best self, but know confidently that you can show them your worst self. That's trust. That's love.
thanks for those words... I like them.
That's a mother's love right there
I am a grown woman in my late 30s, and I still don't know what love is. I swore I was in love 36 times and "never felt this way" 35 times.
Thank you for sharing! ❤♥♥
Infatuation is a strong drug. Love persists after
It makes sense, with the "love being a space you co-create with someone" definition. If you have the capacity to create a completely unique, loving space with someone else on 35 seperate occasions, you must be powerful enough to move mountains.
bell hooks rly got us together in all abt love
she really did
"real love brings peace" is what I desperately needed to hear
Being on the ace spectrum made me think about love, in all it's forms, for my whole life. Even if I can never nail down the concept, connecting with others is one of my most favorite things. Whether named or not, connecting with others is one of the best things we get in life ❤
I love this! In my constant creation of new types of love, the connection and companionship has to be genuine
Oh man, one of my besties recently said "aceness is so foreign to me, I don't understand how you can live without connection" and I was biiiinncchhh, you think I don't feel connected to yer ass? Id die fer you. Id raise yer child if you needed me too. I feel more connected to you than most people I know, and I am more committed to you than I could ever be fer a romantic partnership er anything like that.
I only recently, like as of a few years ago, realized I've been ace my whole life and it's a wild time of self discovery, and in that time and space I learned to love myself above all else, and through that I learned how to connect and love to others in a way I never thought possible. I honestly wish more people/most people were ace/aro cause I think the world would be a more kind and beautiful place 😅
Exactly!! I feel like being ace makes me more connected to others and my partner because I don't have lust clouding my mind when I meet someone or start getting to know them. I love my partner and will love them regardless of whether physical connection is possible or not. I'm not planning on leaving them if they get sick, like I've read a lot of men do to their wives once they realize sex isn't available anymore. I want them to be happy and healthy and successful even if they stop loving me back. I want to marry them! I think that's love.
Thank you for sharing! 💛💙💜
@@catjones3594 Thank you for sharing! 🖤💜🤎
I think it's worth looking at "love" from a different cultural perspective too. For myself, growing up in China, I did not hear the words "I love you" from my family ever. Love was shown through actions and the classic "have you eaten yet?" those actions, at least in my experience, was how Asian people expressed their love. Whether it's familial, romantic, or platonic. When I go to visit, I often hear my relatives saying that "you've become such a westerner" because I want to hug them and show physical affection. And it's looked as weird or "a western" thing to them. It's almost seen as artificial if that makes sense. Some of my relatives always say westerns seem so fake because they are so touchy feely or that they are so open with their feelings. I do agree to some extent. Like Khadija said in the video, we use the word love so much that it almost lost its meaning. But honestly? Why can't we have both? Both as in physical affection as well as a genuine want to provide and help a person (if they want it). Whether they are a stranger, family, a partner, or a friend.
Same as being a Haitian person
Same being a Caribbean person
This video reminds me that love isn’t enough. You do need that desire, motivation, that want to create and maintain/grow a relationship with someone. It takes both/all parties to make it work. Def helped me understand that so much of love in seen throw such a heteronormative view which can be narrow & lacking so much of what love is outside of that box
I also say "sometimes love is not enough" but it's usually followed up by "if a relationship isn't healthy... it isn't healthy." If there are other aspects of the relationship that are too damaging to everyone involved, it might need to be severed. Unfortunately.
Thank you for sharing!🤎💚🧡
If you don’t have that desire to create and maintain that relationship then do you really love that person?
@quadeevans6484 I think so. Or at least, at this moment I do. I still think about it.
I think love is enough, but it depends upon the definition that people use when they speak in terms of love. For me, love is an endless growing of collaboration with one-another. It requires constant bravery, courage, it is a choice and action you have to choose to do so. Love in itself is the desire and motivation. If I am unable to do that for someone, then I am either A. don't have the bravery/courage/motivation to choose to love them or B. think it's better to love them from a distance. I don't know if that makes sense, but I see a lot of people have the relentless drive and desire and motivation to love other people, but still "love" in ways that are unhealthy, with certain selfish/toxic desires, obsession/enmeshment, etc. And they call it love whilst leaving out all the other parts that love is supposed to have-which doesn't really include those things to me
You reprimanded us for not watching this video in your new The state of modern dating is cursed, so here I am 😂😂😂
😂
Good
I think what most people consider love isn’t actually love. It’s infatuation. Love is a choice because even those feelings go away you’re left with something that seems way less intense. Most people think that’s when love ends but I’d argue that’s when it truly begins. Because the challenges come and differences begin to stand out more. Instead of learning healthy ways to love others, we will cut them off, push them away, say that the love isn’t there anymore, etc. when it really just shows that it takes work and isn’t always easy. It requires you to communicate and actively connect. Something most people think they are good at but aren’t. It’s like people forget that we all have different brains, life experiences, and ways of processing. You can’t have healthy relationships if you’re assuming other people think like you, people are actively trying to hurt you, or if you shut down when things get tough. It’s understandable why people do these things but at some point it becomes your responsibility to heal and do the work. If you don’t, more likely than not, the people who you surround yourself with don’t either.
Shots fired 🤣
That last sentence is a bar, when I wasn't doing the work, it was much more easier for me to find myself surrounded by people who weren't either. And the love was not... love. It was messy and complicated and unhealthy. It wasn't until I actually started committing to becoming better within myself that now it's easier for me to acquire connections where we are on the same page. It's still really difficult though and I get why people avoid the shit out of this. Especially in the context of attachment styles
I believe love exists. Mind you, I didn't start believing in it until I was 34 years old. Its such a wild feeling, healthy love. I met this man at the most broken moment in my life, after I'd fully given up hope, and sworn off dating. He loved me enough to spend a year earning my trust without even a guarantee I'd change my mind.
Its like a fairy tale,except he didn't carry me off into the sunset. No. He stood by me as I picked my own self up out of the mess I'd made of my life, and gave me space to get myself together.
He made me want to be a better person - because he loved me exactly as I was.
He wrote songs for me. And I learned, painstakingly, how to participate in our relationship in a healthy way.
Love doesnt make sense, and maybe thats why so much effort has been put into trying to understand it. That irresistible pull you feel towards someone just becayse they're them, its irrational. And beautiful. Otherworldly. Ephemeral. Surreal.
Thank you for sharing! 💕🖤♥
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing ❤
Kind of don't like or appreciate these stories, reads very Christian somehow. So many people suffering and this kind of story just makes them feel even more alone. People need to stop looking for a rescuer or healer. I've done every horrible dark moment in my life almost totally alone or with friends around me, and I'm actually fine - gratified that I didn't depend on someone else to love me while I did my own healing to learn Im worthy by myself regardless of others opinions or takes on my existence. So to anyone else reading this kind of thing and thinking damn, I'm alone forever fr, you will make it. You don't need someone else. Meet someone when you're healthy - relationships always a choice.
@@shanereynolds8651 well, for what it's worth, I really tried to be clear that he wasn't my savior, and didn't help with my healing. Only existed alongside me as I did my own healing work.
I think that's really important, to have a healthy love. The only person who can save or fix you is, well, you. And a person can do that alone or on a relationship, but for those of us who are traumatized and in relationships, it's really, vitally important not to see our partners as saviors. That's not their responsibility.
But I did want to add, I hope that my story can offer hope to people - people who DO want a partner - that you can find healthy love, no matter how broken you are. And a healthy love, a healthy partner, won't invest in your healing process, because they'll know instinctively that healing is a path we must walk alone ❤️
This is beautiful and thank you for sharing. Right now I feel like your partner who lovingly gave you space to heal your wounds. Except I'm learning how to not be codependent and clean my partner's wounds for them. I think bc I grew up in a dysfunctional family, it made me believe that love was a different kind of control that helped ppl in the way I thought they should be helped, and something like giving space to heal didn't feel like enough; furthermore, it felt like the opposite of love. Huh, I guess typing this out helped me grow a bit
Ngl when I saw the title, the “What is Love? Baby don’t hurt me…no more.” started playing in my mind 😂
Me too🤣🤣🤣
Finally, someone else! I have to say, I'm really disappointed that this isn't the top comment :P
Hey Pokhraj! You’re everywhere!
@@moethemoon Hello! Nice to see you here!
@@PokhrajRoy. Hehe I just seen you in like 3 videos I watched today. As a random act of 'love' I just want you to know i appreciate seeing you and I hope you're doing well!
For the longest time I thought love was finding someone who could tolerate you. I had undiagnosed ADHD and an emotionally abusive parent who constantly made fun of my behaviors, so I always felt like I was too much.
Then I met my current partner who loves every weird thing I used to be insecure about. For me love is about comfort and peace. If I can be completely comfortable being myself and their comfortable being themselves. Thats love. And I think that applies to more than just romantic love.
Thank you for sharing your BPD diagnosis. I was diagnosed about a year ago and babyyyy it flipped my wig. But it’s nice to see other black folx who have the same diagnosis and are open.
another woc with a bpd diagnosis within the last year here - it’s nice to finally understand we are also deserving of love and actively participating in it!
Two people in love is a team who have share the same goals, support each other always, and ultimately just have fun navigating this world. Same with friendship and family.
To me, the highest expression of love is truth-telling. If you love someone deeply, your entire existence will be compelled to tell them the truth, no matter how hard it is. If you love someone, you can't live with yourself knowing you lied to them. Lying can be manipulation, gaslighting, just presenting inauthentic versions of yourself, etc. Additionally, when you love someone, you are compelled to put yourself through the hard work of cultivating an authentic and honest self. Because you realize they don't deserve anything less.
“Love is active.” Yes! 🙌🏾
Its actively selective
I was speaking with an elderly woman yesterday and she asked me why don't more Black men know about the Tuskegee airmen. Without being defensive I explained to her that what we are dealing with is a broken relationship. You get lied to enough, cheated on, and disrespected enough that eventually you don't want to talk anymore. You just live under the same roof with your abuser. The elderly woman wept.
Biggest misconception in life is that love is static! Love this!
So much this point!!
I like gow the first 4 mins were like, 50% screaming noises and singing. I feel like that sums up love really well.
i tried to record the intro so many times and just gave into the chaos lol
@@KhadijaMbowe don't change boo, it's all part of the charm!
i just think love is a cozy feeling of safety and freedom. safe as in you know the person will be very gentle and kind with you, and freedom because you can just be yourself and be honest. source: im love my partner very much :)
edit: yay khadija mentioned it :)
Some people genuinely have no concept of genuine love...I know because I used to be one of them lol. If you never experience it growing up, you just never develop a concept of it in your head. Or you do but its a watered down surface level version of "love"
or or or, You begin to associate love with a lot of negativity (co-dependency, manipulation, controllingness, ect)
Love being something that should bring you peace is a really important thing. Not that all conflict is bad, but love being something that didn't bring me peace wad often when i started to reevaluate my relationships, and whether they were healthy (esp for romantic partners)
This
i do believe that the ideas around platonic love and romantic love are socially constructed
not that feelings aren't real, but that the difference is manmade
@@v1ped what do you mean by socially constructed? this sounds interesting to me, but i dont know if i understood what you are saying. . . if the feelings are real then we made up words to easily describe them which would make them not social constructs i think? do you mean that platonic and romantic love feel the same but we percieve them differently due to culture?
im guessing they mean that the boundaries people perceive between platonic relationships and romantic relationships are manmade? Like you know how some people kiss their friends or have sex with them, but they don’t have romantic feelings for them? For them, those are not inherently romantic activities. Of course, not everybody feels that way and some people do draw hard lines between what they would do with a friend versus what they would do with a lover. Basically, there are no hard and fast rules, but I think our societies often enforce ideals/rules of love onto us, thus the mainstream/expected norms are socially constructed ideas.
I’m still not over “sugar parental figures” tho!!!! 😂
Was cool to hear you're not religious but your faith is in humanity cause that's how ive described my spirituality, hadnt heard anyone else phrase it like that
Also id love a spirituality vid :P
Omg same I’m so glad there are people who get it
ditto on a spirituality video!!
lots of my friends who’s parents are from africa had never experienced unconditional love in their life… lots of african parents only show love when you get good grades or get into an ivy league school or whatever
unconditional love is an oxymoron anyway, existing is a condition.
the way many of our parents "love" us is honestly one of the markers of colonial legacy that has deeply penetrated into our lives and relationships. im so glad many of us are waking up to this and breaking cycles, but i also hope for healing for our parents and theirs
@@jinorism I said EXACTLY so loudly that I suprised myself 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I know love. I know what love is. Love is the pain in my chest that will never go away. Love is the memories of her smile and the sound of her laughter. Love is the million small kindnesses she did for me over 25 years together, and the never enough kindnesses I did for her. Love was separating to figure out who we were when things weren't working out right, and coming back together when we realized there was little happiness to be found apart. Love was working through the difficulties, acknowledging and amending out mistakes. Love is letting each other be our own selves, but doing it together. Love is spending the pandemic in a safe place together and finding humor in all the relationships falling apart when they were forced to spend actual time together. Love is sharing, and knowing another person and letting them really know you. Love is forgiving the minor irritations that don't actually matter at the end of the day, week, month or year. Love is a drive to look inside of yourself and do the work to fix the parts that are broken so that you can be the kind of person you want to be, because you don't want to give them anything less than your best. Love is knowing that not everything can be fixed, and that they will still accept you and protect your broken pieces more fiercely because of it. Love is named Shannon McComb and I miss her so damn much.
Thank you for sharing! 🖤💚♥
I’m sorry for your loss, she sounded like a beautiful person
This cracked my heart and warmed it at the same time. Thank you. 💜
Oh that was beautiful and it broke my heart to read it. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a beautiful person.
My deepest condolences to you on your loss ... hold on to your cherished memories of real love, a blessing forever yours ... and thank you for blessing us by telling us about Shannon McComb.
The best definition of love Ive ever heard is that its the acceptance of something as a part of yourself. I like that because it captures how grand and how nebulous love can be. You can love a TV show, you can love a food, you can love a routine you have for yourself, you can even love an antagonist in your life if the relationship you have with them is consistent enough. You can also love your community, your culture, your partners and friends very deeply when you associate thier well being and happiness as genuine extentions of your own
I once heard it said that love is letting others voluntarily evolve. That's my favorite definition.
I don’t have much to add to this conversation. Just wanted to say it was extremely informative and validating. Hope everyone reading this has good love in their life and is having a beautiful Thursday 🖤
Excellent timing I must say.
As an aro, I spent a lot of time thinking about what is love (baby don't hurt me)
And I've come to the conclusion that...
You can't logic a feeling.
Like seriously, what is love is like asking what is happiness, or anger, or sadness.
Is going to look different for everybody, for some it might be unhealthy, for others no. But at the end of the day, you just know it when you feel it and there'll never be a right way to put it into words
my perspective is almost completely the opposite, i think you can logic all feelings and have yet to come across one to cross that line into being beyond that
my two cents is that emotions are all reactions that we have to things that tell us whether they're positive or negative to us - joy vs pain, euphoria vs dysphoria - and they can get more complicated than this but this is what sits at the core of it all
happiness is simply one way we process positivity, and we extrapolate it into more of a general philosophical concept based _around_ that, in terms of trying to make sense of it as a big picture/long-term thing rather than as a reaction, which is what the initial emotion is
anger and sadness are two different forms of the flipside, which is pain - anger is the more defensive form of pain when you're trying to maintain a sense of control, and sadness is the more open form of pain when you're willing to be more vulnerable
love is another form of processing joy by appreciating it, and as an extension of that appreciation, deciding that it is worth caring about
put in fairly simple terms but that's what i make of all this personally, i can't think of any emotion/behaviour/etc that totally defies all logic or reason there always seems to be some process going on behind it all
@@Envy_May
I think your view of emotions is way too simplistic.
Like say, sadness, have you never feel sad out of nowhere? like you feel sad and there's no good reason for it? You just are.
Then there happiness, you say happiness is an expression of positivity. Are you familiar with the concept of schadenfreude?
You also say that you get angry when you are in pain, as a form of regain back control. But you aren't always angry when you get hurt, sometimes you get angry and you aren't hurt at all. For example, sometimes I get angry for no reason at all. Some days I'm just sitting there calmly being incredibly angry, nothing has happened to me, and if someone talks to me at that moment, then I explode on them.
And you said that love is another form of positivity... My friend, love hurts. And sometimes it hurts so much you wish you could stop loving someone but you can't. I say this as an aro, who has only experienced platonic love.
I think you aren't taking in factor different aspects like culture, hormones, and even climate that make emotions random and not follow a logical pattern.
For example, I'm Mexican, here we like to joke in a mean way with friends. For us is a way to express "love" but I've seen gringos getting angry when a Mexican jokes with them in a friendly way.
If emotions are as simple you say, then it doesn't make sense. Love would be just joy and appreciation, why would someone else get angry at an expression of love?
Or have you never seen someone angrily hit their child while screaming "I do this because I love you"?
Or what about masochist that react to pain with happiness and pleasure?
@@jlhn okay - my position was put into an oversimplified summary so it would fit in a short comment, but your response helps me see where that failed to communicate certain aspects to someone with a different perspective to mine
i'll try to go more in-depth and see if that helps clear up my position to a limited extent at all
first of all, no, i can't say i've ever felt sad for no reason whatsoever; i can definitely be more or less _sensitive_ at certain points (amplifying any emotional reaction i do have) as a result of regular shifts in hormonal balance or things in my life that i'm dealing with at that time, so i might suddenly get more sad about something i would otherwise have a milder reaction to or what have you, even if that's just an idea i suddenly think of or the general vibe i'm detecting on some level from the atmosphere around me or anything - more on this later
as for schadenfreude, i'll take this opportunity to explain that what i meant by "positive or negative" is meant to be from the perspective of the one _experiencing_ the emotion, NOT whether we believe the _thing causing the reaction_ to be positive or negative _overall_ / relative to others, or society, or the world, or what have you - so yes, schadenfreude wouldn't be some kind of exception to that, it would in fact count as a _positive emotional reaction_ even if it's to a _negative thing happening to someone_ - basically, think of it as "positive or negative FEEDBACK"
as for getting angry for no reason...while i don't want to be presumptuous and assume anything about you - and i still want to convey a reasonable amount of unconfidence in my position so i don't seem arrogant and unwilling to consider my own shortcomings/blind spots/the possibility of being wrong about certain things - but, while i'm acknowledging that since i don't know you, and i don't know everything, there's no guarantee that my inclination would be right, i _will just say_ that my _inclination_ would be to suspect here that you may not necessarily angry for _no_ reason whatsoever, and at the risk of potentially sounding rude, i would ask if you've ever considered that you may be some degree of some form of alexithymic at all...? it's by no means uncommon but i say this because i would suspect, in any case where someone appears on the surface to be getting angry for no reason, that it's actually because they're in a state of heightened sensitivity and/or holding onto pain that they've yet to notice/acknowledge in response to some combination of external or internal stressors in their life around that time that they may be subconsciously displacing because they haven't processed it - and again, hormonal shifts are also a potential factor
so while i agree that you aren't always angry when you get hurt, because like i said, i believe anger is _one_ way of processing/expressing pain (meaning that more vulnerable forms like sadness are alternatives)...
...when it comes to "sometimes you get angry and you aren't hurt at all", i would say that, while i'm acknowledging the possibility of being wrong, from my experience and understanding i simply don't believe that's true and would cast significant doubt on the idea; i think people get angry when they don't want to admit they're hurt (whether to themselves or others), or when they don't know why they're hurt, or that they're hurt at all
as for "love hurts", i would say that what i was intending to describe with the word "love" was the core feeling that fuels it, and not all the complicated baggage that comes _with_ that in the context some form of interpersonal relationship - in fact my intention was to use the word "love" here to very broadly refer to the feeling of "loving" ANYTHING, even like a song or a drawing or sunsets or something you have, and that feeling is _founded_ on appreciating the thing that you love, that's what i think it means when we say we "love" something
of course it can LEAD to pain as well so i'm not disagreeing with the idea you're presenting, i've experienced "painful love" myself, but the way i understand it to work is that joy and appreciation lead to _caring_ which inherently leads to the situation that anything that affects the thing you _care_ about can deal you _pain_ maybe even to the point that the fact of _caring_ about that thing is causing you _more_ pain than joy due to situational factors or something, to the point that you would wish you _didn't care_ because you are aware that if you didn't, there would be no foundation upon which that pain could be dealt to you - do you understand what i mean ? but of course we can't choose to stop caring because we can't simply cease to be aware of the truth that the thing in question is _worth_ caring about, because of the appreciation that laid the groundwork for all this in the first place
and the thing about joking in a mean way isn't very complicated i don't think, people banter with each other to "express love" mainly because what their banter is reflecting, in context, is that they trust each other enough to know that it's ironic - someone who doesn't have the context to interpret it that way, or isn't comfortable with it for some other contextual reason, will take it more at face value, without the trust in question, as something that is _actually_ mean, which is not how it's interpreted in the former instance. right ? they get angry because they think you're being mean to them because they lack the contextual understanding that that's not the intended _meaning_ of what's being said - that doesn't mean that the feeling of love that leads to people wanting to enjoy this kind of banter with each other isn't still based on appreciation, you appreciate the person so you want to have a close and trusting relationship with them and you express that by talking in ways that you only would if you trusted each other to do so, it's like a form of friendly intimacy
someone angrily hitting their child "because they love them" could...have a few different reasons behind them depending on the context, and each possibility would take a fair amount to unpack, but like a simplified example could be that maybe they feel hurt by their child's behaviour because they care about their child being a certain way (because it would bring them joy if they were) and genuinely (misguidedly) believe that hitting them will somehow lead to this being improved and/or they're simply taking out their pain _on_ the child (but the source is still caring about...something to do with how the child is, whether it's genuine or not is up to the situation but yeah)
also masochism doesn't counter any of this at all because both joy and pain can co-exist without contradicting each other and i never meant to imply that they're mutually exclusive or anything, it just means that there's something about the type of pain they're experiencing that also brings them some type of joy...or depending on the person, it _could_ also be some kind of coping mechanism or something where introducing this form of pain relieves them of another form of pain that they're struggling to deal with - either way that's another case-by-case kind of scenario
my point overall is just like, while these _situations_ can be complex and emotions can tangle up and manifest in complex _ways_ i still believe that at the very core of it all, at the deepest simplest point, it all boils down to good feelings and bad feelings and i hope i've conveyed that in a way that makes a decent amount of sense, even if you don't share that perspective yourself
...i do understand though that this is a lot of like, conceptual and kind of abstract thinking type of stuff to, again, be trying to communicate effectively in a short youtube comment so lol
@@Envy_May I'm going to be honest. I don't actually care much about arguing with someone on YT on this. Mostly because you won't change my mind as I'm illogically stubborn. And illogically I feel bored about this topic already.
People are inherently illogical to me, heck, we are a bunch of meat with electricity mostly controlled by chemical substances.
Maybe you're younger than me and haven't experienced much of this, or maybe you've been luckier than me and haven't had to deal with the consequences of quite illogical emotions like I've had to.
Lastly; please don't take this the wrong way, but you would benefit from using more periods and semi colons; because sometimes your writing is a bit confusing.
Anyway, have a good day.
I think love is a choice to integrate your life with someone. It requires vulnerability as you support and rely on support of others. It is not short term, and it is not narrow. It is conditional, not like barter or debt, but conditional on a longer time scale, on your comfort with and trust another. I think that familial love, romantic love, love in friends, etc cannot be separated fully. Familial love can exist between friends, friendly love between partners, and familial as well as they choose to integrate their familial lives and begin their own. This is how love makes sense to me, but it's certainly a difficult phenomenon to define fully.
Personally, I don't view the different kinds of love as a hierarchy of love itself, but more a hierarchy of priority. It everything is going well for everyone in your life, all the various loves are equal. But if you're married and your partner and a dear friend are both going through something, it means attending your partner before attending your friend. They can both happen within moments of each other, but it means one has more immediacy than the other. It's not about the emotion itself to me, but the priority you give to the people involved.
I wouldn't want to join my life with someone who doesn't respect what that kind of relationship means, or someone who thinks their attention is the only kind of love that matters. I've known my friends for many years and we've shared a whole lot over that time, but my family will always get priority if something happens. And if we've been together long enough to live together or otherwise open our lives up to each other, my relationship partner will get more immediacy than familial love under most but the most immediate emergency conditions. But that doesn't change what love is to me. I want all those people in my life, and they all add to my experience of the world in positive ways.
Love to me is a space where there is a tender acceptance of whatever version of ourselves we are in. Love listens, love understands, love holds our most wounded child parts with nurturing, warm attentiveness.
Thank you so much for addressing how aro/ace people sometimes process love. For myself, it's been really hard, because I was okay with being ace pretty much off the bat (being a cis woman means that on some level there's less expectation for you to have desires in the first place because of stigmatization of women's desires, so in a weird way being ace is more acceptable than loudly voicing your desires... but also it very much isn't, because people still feel entitled to you, because "no woman likes those things until they're in a relationship". Shoutout to ace mascs since they have to deal with the flip side of this standard though.)
But accepting being aromantic took so much more time, and I'm not even there yet. It's hard to shake the idea that there's something wrong with me, because I have this yearning to be in love and in a relationship because I'm not getting those needs met from my platonic relationships. But that zip of attraction isn't there and I feel like I shouldn't try to force a relationship based only on my own needs-- even if those needs are valid, that doesn't mean I'd be a good fit for a couple as I am right now.
was looking for another aro/ace person!! it took me a while to accept my aromantic identity too, but it becomes such a beautiful thing once you embrace it. the way we love is so unique and special and it’s something to be cherished. it’s a gift, even if it may not feel that way right now, but it will one day :) 🖤🤍💚
i think love is one of those things that everyone has a specific personal definition and because of that people are constantly talking about different things.
Love the self to find love. Learn the self so you can learn others. People are too busy destroying themselves before they learn that.
My mom and my dad have been together for 35 years. My mom has always told me love is about wanting to grow and change for each other (for the better). Love is also empathy and forgiveness of flaws.
After hearing your definition, I agree, that is the essence! Mutual space of creation ❤
I quite like this definition: love is the act of building ourselves by building each other, sometimes to a point of creating something new. The feeling of love can start out as seeing potential to be built up or having been built up. The different types of love are just different practices. As an aro person, the romantic practices of courtship, flowers and the like just don't appeal to me.
I'm so hyped for this video. need this conversation right now. I got really into "love is something you do" philosophy and perhaps forgot about my own feelings in the process.
“love is not just a verb” - kendrick lamar
Love is such a complex thing, and I feel like you could make at least 5 more videos just about love and relationships. I think a great summary to it all though, is that love, at large, is about respect. When we say we love people - or even animals/plants/other living beings - is that we have enough respect for them to see them for what they are, and want to know them or learn what is best for them (very broad. Again, this could be broken down SO much). I think love on a smaller scale (platonic, familial, and romantic) is a combination of respect and safety. That you can be yourself and not have to fear the repercussions. That’s in essence what love is. Seeing someone and their soul, and accepting it
My definition of love has definitely changed a lot as ive aged, bounced from one toxic partner into a marriage w someone whose definition of love was me doing the most while they did the least.
Now (post divorce) i have come to the conclusion that for me love is an emotion that has been used over and over to put the wool over my eyes since if i really loved them i wouldnt do whatever XYZ transgression set them off today.
All that bitterness aside, since abandoning monogamy, and really embracing my journey, ive found that my deepest feelings of love havent been for any of my romantic partners, but for my friends and family. It really is just like they say: society at large teaches and enforces monogamous heterosexual romantic love over all other forms, to the point that remaining as part of your nuclear family is somehow shameful past a certain age; as if remaining in a place w people who love and care for you is bad.
Crying right now because you said love heals and I felt that, and I know I’m missing a safe space for my healing.
Clarifying what love can mean is helpful though.
"it should be a place that you could heal" resonated with me. As an ace person, I couldn't understand what love was until I met my partner who makes me feel safe and healed. I haven't felt the need to go to therapy for a long time :) It's just really been nice.
I had a mental breakdown earlier this year over the fact that I never been in romantic relationships/situations 😭😭 I don't seek out romance either but the fact that this is something everyone is expected to experience just made anxious I think, but I don't want to settle for something by default, i hate romance fictions for that reasons, I want to live a fairytale kinda love, i already get love from my friends and family and it's fulfilling, if romance is just friendship with s3x then idk, I don't want to be deceive by romance so I stay out of it 😭😭😭💔
The amount of times I said “YUUUUUUUUP” aloud, by myself, listening to this video while I do my makeup… this video is gospel. I swear I’m gonna come back to this again and again and share it. Also, immediately put all about love on my tbr list. Thank you for this 🙌
for me its hard to see what i would offer to a relationship because when i try to imagine this nebulous partner who cares about me, i dont actually feel anything toward them bc theyre not a real person. i cant imagine what id bring to the table when the table is imaginary. the only time ive been able to actually imagine it is when im with someone that i deeply care about. thats when i can finally see what i can do for them or how i can love them in return. i think thats probably why a lot of the time people are asking for love and not just offering it to imaginary people
Great video. As a young guy, I feel like less of a dumbass when I get exposed to different viewpoints I would've never considered, thanks
My new favorite routine on my days off is waking up, making some tea, rolling a joint and starting a new painting while listening to your videos ❤
Love is amazing.
Love that
I'm not a big social person, I can only be in a social setting for like an hour before getting tired. So if I actually want to go out and see you, I love you 😅 that's how I'd put it haha
Your description of your friends makes me so happy to hear. I hold friendship love in such high regard (without a hierarchy necessarily, but I just really value friendships) and i agree with you there. Also, I have seen where there isn't love like that in friendships and the lack of accountability is just so harmful. true friends hold you accountable. not in a mean way, but they make you better.
your definition is something I have been starting to do with people in my life, but haven’t been able to put it to words. shooketh
"Omg did you just wake up?!"
Yeah, how could you tell?
"What is the definition of love?" is less of a question for me than "what is the word i should use for how I'm feeling?" and for that reason i think love just has to have more meanings than this definition. We don't have another word for just the feeling, so if i defined it through action, i would hesitate to tell my loved ones that i love them because i would wonder if I've done enough to say it.
I don't know how i would define love, i think mostly i just wouldn't, since i prefer clean definitions and for this word it would end up being in the form of X or Y or Z etc.
"Where are the sugar parental figures?" That's what I want to know as well 😢
I love the phrase "love is a space of mutual creation" the people in relation to each other in any way then yes they are partially responsible to make the space as safe, growth allowing, honest, and care as possible. I also will think of it that way. Also to add on, the spaces can also be connected to other spaces you share with others. Like a venn diagram - for example, you and a friend starting an romantic intimate relationship but are still friends and still with ur friend group. So we have two spaces connected and adding to it with your friends and each other continually.
I feel I know enough about romantic love to know that what people talk about in poetry, music, and on tv is really just infatuation. The presentation of what love supposedly is, is hugely distorted.
What is romantic love to you then? (Genuine question)
@@Amanda-eh8zf For me? Most words fall short, but my very cornball best is a powerful but gentle feeling of attachment, warmth, safety, trust. A soul-deep kind of contentment and feeling whole. Of being home at long last and all being right with the world. A partnership between two people who share a deep and layered understanding with and acceptance of the other.
I see it as a very different sensation than the passionate, overwhelming obsession that a lot of popular culture seems to think love is and that I characterize as infatuation. Infatuation can and often does lead to love, sure, but I still view them as distinct states of being.
@@brianu2229 Interesting, I did imagine it would feel different than what's depicted in the media. The way you described it sounds so sweet and satisfying 💗. Thank you for sharing! have a nice day/night :)
According to Bill Wurtz it’s a 4 letter word which you can use in various ways that are mostly positive.
Perfect timing, literally doing my thesis in love lol
I’m really such a softy. I’m not sure it’s because my mom raised me and my brothers to think of each other. But in my life I’ve found that I love love of all forms. I observe it like art bc love takes so many forms. I love mom/daughter and dad/daughter relationships, people who love and care for their daughters in whatever form they come in just melts me to pieces. I’m also very proud of and enthralled by sibling relationships. I consider those relationships to be the baseline for how you treat your partner in the future. More than that, when you are able to love your siblings, no matter where you are in life, you’re never alone, someone is always thinking about you and loving you as you were and who you are and who you will become. Sib love is one of the MOST fulfilling feelings to be able to express before your first love or first kid and after parental love. Not having siblings also doesn’t mean you’ve never experienced it. You have a best friend? A favorite cousin? Sib love important and so joyful
Love to me is being there for someone and taking care of someone out of genuine care and a genuine interest in understanding them even if you don't want to be apart of their lives and this can exists in all shapes and sizes and no love is more than any other love but depending on people's incentives and the structure of the relationship, they assign more value to one type of love over another.
I am nearing 30. I still don't really know what love is, but that's okay. While I still wish to find a partner, I no longer allow that to drive and define me. Lately, I've noticed how too much importance is placed upon finding "the one". I see the growing desperation in my friends, my age or older, that time passes and that "one" is still not showing up. I see how it drags them down... and I wish it didn't. Because as disappointing as it is, I can also see how they value that potential, but still non-existent, relationship more than they value the friendships they currently have. I know that once that "one" person will come along, they will slowly fade away and retreat into their families, because "that's what everyone is doing." I don't want to get married and have children simply because I am too afraid I will die alonw otherwise. Maybe I'm not surrounded by the right people. But it surely feels like the majority of people in my country think like this. Sadly, friendships are not as cherished as romantic relationships, but I wish they were.
When you find the true love of your life it is the most precious thing when its a two way street. I found mine and we have been married for 36 years. She passed away six months ago and when she left she took half of me with her. It was the only time that love hurt. The love and the hurt will never go away.❤
I'm sorry for your pain but jealous of that love. She is woven into everything she touched and all the days you shared. You will never really be alone because she left fingerprints all over the life you built together. Hang on to that ❤️
@@mcwjes thank you so much. You’ll never know how much your response is helping me through a very difficult day.
I really enjoy your content.
The depths you go in with the subjects you pick. I appreciate you.
Thank you for all you do ❤
Currently reading All about love. Its a good read.
I absolutely adore this video. I was trying to think my answer before you explained your definition and I came to the conclusion that love is mutual respect. Your definition made me think of addition to that: Love is freedom for people to be true to themselves and each other and building that freedom to everyone in that space. This love that thrives for freedom can therefore be applied to not only people but the whole world around us.
I have never understood why people want to keep separating romantic love from friendship love or family love (obviously it's for the patriarchal reasons). To me, it's all the same because it is about the mutual respect and genuine care for the others.
They're not just having fun in their videos - it's an all-out party! 🎉
And let's talk about the NUANCE - it's basically next-level brilliance.
This surprisingly short video did not only cover, compare and contrast different forms of love, but ACTUALLY somehow managed to give a definition to this honest to God complicated word I have never been able to make sense of. While some creators I have come across have put forth some similar opinions, this one's a breath of fresh air - miles away from the cringe-fest that haunts the internet. Major BOSS QUEEN vibes coming through! 👑 💃
P.S. Can't get enough of the fun they inject into every videoooo - The vibe is off the charts!
In a relationship but I don’t think I’m ready cuz I’m too weak to create boundaries. I’ve cried myself to sleep over the things he’s done and just can’t say anything. Maybe it’s the people pleaser in me as an immigrant eldest daughter. I’ve asked him to be more affectionate and to unfollow thirst trap accounts. Says it’s too hard to unfollow all the accounts, and is taking his time to unfollow them. Would it be more fair to him to break up when I’m already feeling like this? Maybe that’ll teach him to be better for the next girl IDK. I feel like he can change
You’ve got this!! Your voice is valid!! What you want is valid!! Don’t let anyone take you for granted, you haven’t requested for anything that is too much and I truly pray you get exactly what you deserve 💪🏾🙏🏾
ruclips.net/video/R8btgP_S4QE/видео.htmlsi=JfmFz-NbRfVBT_Yt
Oh my first comment was deleted (apologies if it wasn’t and is just isn’t showing up on my side and I’m repeating myself)
But basically I relate to you hard
I am also an immigrant first daughter in a Nigerian household and my word I am learning to get rid of my people pleasing saviour complex. This video (linked in the comment) really helped come to terms with the problems I had and gave some good insight on how to deal with it. It’s a good starting point.
Please note it is very Nigerian lol but the message is very easy to understand even if you’re not Nigerian 😁
Good luck girl you’ve got this!!
@@FK87 thank you thank you❤️you are so kind and so generous. I will be strong. Sending you lots of love and good things only
I hate to say it but this person is using you. They are ignoring your tears just to keep an online player appearance?
I would keep my eyes open for someone else if I were you. You deserve love.
I've been on a bit of a binge of your videos today and I just wanted to say I love how you discuss and organize topics in a very engaging and accessible way!! Also your analysis is very consistent from topic to topic, and based in recognizing both the truth of individual perspectives/feelings and the truth of how we can all operate better together and what we can take responsibility for to make those improvements. It's just very graceful and nuanced and I appreciate that rn ❤
🥹🥹🥹 thank you so much for this generous comment and just true understanding of the vibes I’m trying my best to put out.
(Remember to take breaks so you don’t get sick of it tho LOOOOOL)
Tysm this comment was really nice to read🥰
I’m still working on defining love, but I’ve always considered it to be the dedication we have to one another in maintaining the trust, adoration, compassion, and kindness we have towards each other :)
Dropping a random quote -"To love, is to trust. To trust is to believe." Episode - An Old Friend from Star Wars the Clone Wars.
But anywho, I loved this video ☺️ I really agreed with these video. And I agree that love shouldn't be hierarchical. You should feel safe, equally, and come as you are and feel at peace.
So thank you Khadija ☺️ I really appreciate this video ❤
Another Khadija banger!!! Your video on relationship anarchy from a while back absolutely rewired my brain after I had just gotten out of a long term romantic relationship that ended up being super unhealthy for both parties. Hearing about the concepts of non-hierarchical relationships and redefining what we mean when we talk about love was a huge step in my healing and processing after that, so it's really cool to revisit some of those same nebulous ideas all this time later and gauge how my perceptions have shifted.
I truly have no idea what romantic love is anymore, but I don't think that's a bad thing. A lot of my concept of romantic love in the past was based around shallow media depictions of it, fueled by the capitalist American Dream version of amatanormative commitment, and rooted in the idea that mere attraction will eventually become love all on its own. By having romantic love on a pedestal and overlooking the ways in which it was inauthentic and untruthful, I convinced myself that romantic love was defined by devotion, to the detriment of all my other relationships. It took time after that relationship ended for me to look around and realize that I had actual loving connections all around me that I didn't respect because they weren't "romantic".
Now I'm in a place where every relationship of mine is fulfilling and engaging, and I don't feel any desire at all to find another long term romantic partner. I never expected myself to be someone who wouldn't want a romance, since I always dreamed of it as a kid and held onto it even when it was corrosive as an adult, but I find that I have everything I need by fostering my existing relationships and spending time with those I love consciously, be it family or friends, but that distinction barely matters anymore anyway.
I fully agree that love is active, it's not solely a feeling but a verb, and one that needs to be engaged with consciously in order to thrive. I used to be scared of that idea because I didn't want my relationships to be "transactional", but that fear went away when I approached my loved ones with honesty. It's okay to ask them for what I need and to clarify what they need from me, and for both of us to agree upon it and articulate our boundaries. It doesn't make the relationship a callous give-and-take, but an active project in loving where we continuously make the effort to grow stronger and support the other in doing so as well. We all want love to be easy and effortless but nothing in life is and it requires the same attention to nurture as anything else.
I think a lot of our perceptions of love are based around the idea that it just "happens" or is included by default in a given dynamic, but because of that we can get into trouble when we mistake something like "care" for "love", as bell hooks talked about with her own family. Love being included by default is a nice thought, but when we accept things that aren't love in places where we expect it to be, then our idea of true authentic loving can become quite a bit warped. I'm not sure I know exactly what love is myself, but I've learned a lot about what it isn't, and I really like your definition currently. Like anything I think this is something that will continue to evolve for all of us over time, and I hope you continue exploring this topic with us as your own journey goes on!
I grew up learning what love is mostly looking from the outside in. I determined to learn how to truly love and it took years.
I find myself agreeing with your definition of love. It's malleable in the ways it's used, I think love is essential for any close relationship. Compassion and more. Love is a lot of things, true love is the genuine care for another person. A want to be right for them and vice versa. I don't know if it makes sense, at the end of the day I'm alright with love not having a concrete meaning. It's whatever I want it to be, and I love that.
I agree with bell hooks and believe love is a verb. Love is something you do for someone. Whether that person is your children, parents, friends, lovers, or even self, it requires work. It also often requires introspection and reflection. By examining how you love or allow others to love you can teach you so much.
“love is not just a verb” - kendrick lamar
love is a choice.
As a content creator, is it strange to think that you're loved by folk you'll never meet?
On a related note : i love you 💖
Love the equal valuing of love, I love all the love ❤️
I believe that love is a multitude of things. It can be a bit of a paradox at times and multiple experiences can exist at once. For example, I really vibe with the phrase, "love is not enough" and "to be loved is to be changed". Which at first glace can appear to be a bit confusing. But the relationships you have with others do change you and you need more than love to thrive. (like you said with creating a mutual space for each other and having honest compassion)
I also think this can be applied to different types of love as well. Because at times, I believe people have this notion that romantic love will save you. That once you find "the one" everything will magically align. Yet, I don't believe it does. Yes, that love can change you, but it will not fix everything. It is something you have to actively and willingly show up to and put in the work to creating a meaningful and impactful relationship.
While I am not married, there is a book by John and Julie Gottman (couple counselors) that talk about how to repair relationships and I thought, "Yo, all of these things can and should be used in any type of relationship. This shouldn't be exclusive to romance."
Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on love and think about it pretty often. I'm in the ace/aro community and am navigating through my definition and thoughts.
One example for love in my life is when my ex and I realised we didn't work, but after parting realising we fought so hard to make incompatible people stay together was that we love having each other in our lives we just aren't suited romantically. Then becoming each others cheerleaders, hypepeople, and bringing each other food when we're sick, and generally looking out for each other and cheering each other on while we each explore relationships that are more compatible to us.
Unconventional, but a very active love where of we have a conflict we still problem solve it and at the end of the day neither of us ever wants to accodentally or intentionally cause harm to the other. We cute beans.
I feel like, Love is an unconditional witness
I like how you phrase us as being co-creators. It shows that you have to put intention in it
LOVED THE VIDEO!
I’m glad you made a video on the concept of love. It’s been a long time coming and I still can’t define it as graceful as you have
Love is definitely one of those words that get thrown around and mean multiple different things and still be viewed as something serious. Its all context and nuance. Most ppl can't tell the difference between lust and love. Some people have love with conditions. Others have love until you do something they don't agree with. Those last 2 to me is where the term real love isn't present. Can't really love someone if there is conditions to it. As someone else said, if someone comes out and their parents react negatively...there isn't real love present. Then there is love and like. You might like someone, but you might not love them.
Okay vocals 🤩
Stunning video as always Khadija!
I totally agree with your approach that love should give you ease and peace. Hope I ”stumble upon” it at some point in my life, haha
This is brilliant! Thank you!
Great video as always ❤❤
This made me feel so valid. Thank u
Such a powerful video thank you!!!
So perfectly timed. Love these reflections ❤
Thanks for spreading love. 💕
Very needed right now.
thank youuuuuu for this khadija ‼️‼️💖💖💖💖
Aristophanes would probably like your definition of love. Look beyond the myth Aristophanes uses to illustrate his ideas in the Symposium and he is giving a definition of love that lines up closely with yours - a desire for wholeness for oneself and for others. I think you both probably followed similar thought patterns to get there too 😊
such a good video as always, Khadija!! thank you❤
Thank you for this sweet and very real reflection on such a complex concept
Been waiting for this video!!! Watching asap ✨️
lmao I was just thinking about this yesterday...very nice timing. Loves it
Thank you for putting a voice to my thoughts on love. I found it really difficult to figure out what that meant when my family said "we love you" but then critiqued the hell outta me. Even to this day, I tell my family "no, you don't!" As a parent and looking for honest connections, I ❤ your "co-creators" definition. It makes so much sense in parenting, creating longterm friendships, and of course in romantic endeavors. I'm learning to say excatly what I want and not be apologetic about it. I've come a long way and thank you again for sharing your insights about your love journey. Blessings and love, friend. 🧿❤️🧿❤️🧿❤️
youre such an amazing human