I really don’t believe he should be even dating let alone getting married. He needs more time to grieve and emotionally heal, it’s not fair to his current wife. He will be emotionally unavailable while in this state. You can only actively love one woman at a time. The new wife will feel like ultimate number two.
Hi Kim, I really respect your resources - but I really disagree with this and I have a different perspective. After dating a widower myself, I can absolutely say that what this man is doing PUBLICALLY is humiliating for this woman. It's communicating to the world that his present love is not important and he would really rather the first wife be there. If he has grief like that, he needs to process it in a more respectful way to his current wife - privately. Yes, grief never really "goes away" but I do think it starts to take a backseat over time (I still have moments of secondary grief from my divorce) but it's also not fair for this man to actively and publicly love BOTH women at the same time, and if he needs to do that, then I would question if he looking for a companion to fill the void while he continues grieving for his "real" love. How is this an emotionally available man? I would say this man is not giving her the respect she deserves. Of course he needs to grieve, but respecting and honoring his former (yes, former) wife, cannot come at a cost to his current wife. If he is still emotionally married and in relationship to his former/late wife, his current wife will never feel secure and will never feel like anything more than an affair partner. Can you imagine YOUR husband confessing his love for another woman PUBLICALLY? I don't think it's wrong for this man to have grief, but trauma keeps us in the past taking the present for granted. If this woman felt and was secure in being first, and the priority relationship, she would not mind as much some of the things he does, but the truth is if he has not moved past, or is not ready to move past some of the more active grieving, she is always going to feel like consolation prize and a placeholder while the real love of his life is in a grave. Also, just a kind heads up... nothing is more hurtful when someone else accidently refers to the LATE wife as "his wife" when YOU are his current wife. I am sure what I am writing may come across as a lack of understanding or harsh, but I am telling you that it is a different ball game if you have lived it - it crushes your self esteem over time. I am not unaware of the loss process either- I watched my ex widower boyfriend lose his late life to pancreatic cancer, so I am not unaware of the depth of the grief - and then I hit my own trauma 6 months later when my ex husband left me in a crazy traumatic way. We bonded over our grief, and then it was the same grief that divided us because for some reason losing someone to death seems to give this idea that the rules of a healthy CURRENT relationship changes - and it does not. Guilt 100% keeps widowers stuck - and it's even harder if they feel guilty for loving you more etc. - it's one of the most powerful breakdowns of next relationships - that and boundaries with the kids. The late spouse idea is the same concept as "managing thirds" that Stan Talkin talks about. We have to feel like WE are eachother's priority in order for a relationship to succeed - or, there must be some kind of unavailability on both sides that equals the playing field to create a more shared power dynamic - but even then I have also seen widows and widowers be in different places and STILL break down over grief and those things. I agree that it is healthy for someone to grieve, and that it would be more upsetting that he didn't grieve, but often you will see more men that just expect women to accept that they are still grieving, versus women tend to get to a healthier place before re-entering a dating dynamic. Just something to consider... I would recommend to this woman to attempt having stronger boundaries instead - I doubt that this is the only issue she is facing!
This is the reason why widow/widower relationship work better. They are both unavailable for True love so nobody really suffers from unrequited, one sided love. I wouldn't recommend dating or marrying a man who is a widower unless he stopped keeping her memory alive nonsense.
I agree with you and very well said!!! My guy had a Facebook page and on it is a huge photo of the late wife and him with all the kiddos. It’s lovely . He added my photograph with him right next to a photo of him with his late wife …I told him I was upset. He didn’t change it. Just said ..well I’m not doing Facebook anymore!!
I think marrying 10 months post death of spouse is way too soon!! I think both need to Compromise . I am dealing with adult Children giving him hell and judgement and the wife has been gone a year and a half!! He wants me to attend countless functions with all of them almost every weekend and they barely speak to me!! So I’ve been putting my boundaries up. The house looks like a shrine to her memory ! Here’s the kicker…I’m a widow too and all my deceased belongings are put away completely !!
I really don’t believe he should be even dating let alone getting married. He needs more time to grieve and emotionally heal, it’s not fair to his current wife. He will be emotionally unavailable while in this state. You can only actively love one woman at a time. The new wife will feel like ultimate number two.
Hi Kim, I really respect your resources - but I really disagree with this and I have a different perspective. After dating a widower myself, I can absolutely say that what this man is doing PUBLICALLY is humiliating for this woman. It's communicating to the world that his present love is not important and he would really rather the first wife be there. If he has grief like that, he needs to process it in a more respectful way to his current wife - privately. Yes, grief never really "goes away" but I do think it starts to take a backseat over time (I still have moments of secondary grief from my divorce) but it's also not fair for this man to actively and publicly love BOTH women at the same time, and if he needs to do that, then I would question if he looking for a companion to fill the void while he continues grieving for his "real" love. How is this an emotionally available man? I would say this man is not giving her the respect she deserves. Of course he needs to grieve, but respecting and honoring his former (yes, former) wife, cannot come at a cost to his current wife. If he is still emotionally married and in relationship to his former/late wife, his current wife will never feel secure and will never feel like anything more than an affair partner. Can you imagine YOUR husband confessing his love for another woman PUBLICALLY? I don't think it's wrong for this man to have grief, but trauma keeps us in the past taking the present for granted. If this woman felt and was secure in being first, and the priority relationship, she would not mind as much some of the things he does, but the truth is if he has not moved past, or is not ready to move past some of the more active grieving, she is always going to feel like consolation prize and a placeholder while the real love of his life is in a grave. Also, just a kind heads up... nothing is more hurtful when someone else accidently refers to the LATE wife as "his wife" when YOU are his current wife. I am sure what I am writing may come across as a lack of understanding or harsh, but I am telling you that it is a different ball game if you have lived it - it crushes your self esteem over time. I am not unaware of the loss process either- I watched my ex widower boyfriend lose his late life to pancreatic cancer, so I am not unaware of the depth of the grief - and then I hit my own trauma 6 months later when my ex husband left me in a crazy traumatic way. We bonded over our grief, and then it was the same grief that divided us because for some reason losing someone to death seems to give this idea that the rules of a healthy CURRENT relationship changes - and it does not. Guilt 100% keeps widowers stuck - and it's even harder if they feel guilty for loving you more etc. - it's one of the most powerful breakdowns of next relationships - that and boundaries with the kids. The late spouse idea is the same concept as "managing thirds" that Stan Talkin talks about. We have to feel like WE are eachother's priority in order for a relationship to succeed - or, there must be some kind of unavailability on both sides that equals the playing field to create a more shared power dynamic - but even then I have also seen widows and widowers be in different places and STILL break down over grief and those things. I agree that it is healthy for someone to grieve, and that it would be more upsetting that he didn't grieve, but often you will see more men that just expect women to accept that they are still grieving, versus women tend to get to a healthier place before re-entering a dating dynamic. Just something to consider... I would recommend to this woman to attempt having stronger boundaries instead - I doubt that this is the only issue she is facing!
This is the reason why widow/widower relationship work better. They are both unavailable for True love so nobody really suffers from unrequited, one sided love. I wouldn't recommend dating or marrying a man who is a widower unless he stopped keeping her memory alive nonsense.
I agree with you and very well said!!! My guy had a Facebook page and on it is a huge photo of the late wife and him with all the kiddos. It’s lovely . He added my photograph with him right next to a photo of him with his late wife …I told him I was upset. He didn’t change it. Just said ..well I’m not doing Facebook anymore!!
I think marrying 10 months post death of spouse is way too soon!! I think both need to
Compromise . I am dealing with adult
Children giving him hell and judgement and the wife has been gone a year and a half!! He wants me to attend countless functions with all of them almost every weekend and they barely speak to me!! So I’ve been putting my boundaries up. The house looks like a shrine to her memory ! Here’s the kicker…I’m a widow too and all my deceased belongings are put away completely !!
She is in a parallel