I am married to a man who was a Widower when we met. He was ready to love again & able to be a good husband. That made him head & shoulders above other men who were mostly commitment phobic, or wanted me to have their baby at my age! We have been married 3 years & he is the best thing that's ever happened to me! This is my 2nd marriage. My 1st marriage doesn't even compare to this one! The love keeps growing! We get along well & are extremely compatible. He listens & above all wants me to be happy & works to ensure I am! I treat him like the King he is!
Very happy for you. Each person has there own amount of time to mourn. I have been a widower for 5.5 years, I miss the companionship and having a person to share life experiences. Maybe 67 will be a better year.
From bible study, only can re-marry if spouse died, and if spouse died after a divorce. Both ex spouses cannot remarrty while the ex is still alive. Hmmmm.
@@specialstone9153church gives really bad advice at times especially when the old and new testament contradict each other . I highly doubt that God is going to keep you from entering the gates of heaven just because you married a divorced person who ex is still alive.
I lost my wife of 23 years to cancer last year. 6 months after I reconnected with my first love. We are so happy together I still love my wife but also totally in love with my partner.
Hello, Carey. Yes, your video is super helpful. I met a man who is a widower, and he had a very loving experience with his passed wife. She has been gone for 3 years now. We are so crazy compatible on every level that he even says I am a much stronger match to him than even his passed wife. And no, he is not exaggerating it. We seem like having a very healthy relationship building up, and your video just added up some confidence to me that this is going to last forever. Thank you so so much! This is the first video I watched on your channel, and I'm your subscriber now. 😂❤
Great points! I'm dating a widower after my 2nd divorce. We're both learning & growing together. There are definitely differences between grieving a beloved spouse & grieving a divorce. You have to be willing to honestly & openly communicate (have the tough conversations). My guy didn't understand my discomfort w/ spending time in his home (shrine to his late wife) until I shared my feelings & point of view. How they refer to the late spouse & how frequently is huge too. Thank you for sharing this info!
That is why I am concerned about dating a widower especially when I live in a very sexist country where it would not even likely to occur to the man to concern himself at all with how I might or would feel, and I would not tolerate that at all. Having said that most widowers I have met throughput my life were already completely over the wife before she even died, and in some cases had already started a relationship with another woman by then which would be suspicious if it wasn't a terminal disease that the wife died of.
Widowed ten years ago after 23 years of marriage. Started dating someone about 3 months ago but she broke it off. Breaking things off with my friend, rocked my world. So I know I’m still working this disappointment, of the breakup, through areas of my life. In the meantime I’m getting rid of stuff, to help organise my house. and also working on growing into a more mature man.
I went on a date after two years and it was way too soon for me…cried through the whole date. Now, four years later I am trying again. Married for 36 years to my soul mate. Dating a person who had a very happy long marriage is very positive as it shows that person is capable of having such a relationship.
Everything in its own time.♥️ And that was my bonus tip at the end! Now people can just read your comment and they don’t have to watch the episode. ;-).
I loved this video! You brought out excellent points. My second marriage was to a widower and at first I was a little worried that I would be dating someone who’s wife that passed would be elevated to “Saint” level. However, it was not that way at all! He must have been ready because after him telling me about her, he rarely brought up her name and when she did come up in conversation I never felt threatened by his love for her. Rather, it showed me how capable he was of being in truly loving husband. We were married for 14 years before Pneumonia took him. Now I’m the Widow. He passed almost a year and a half ago now and I’m now just starting to date again. I want to be sure that I don’t over mention him in my new conversations with my dates.
You had said the children will always be the priority. I disagree. My children are adults with their own lives and families. I expect their partners to be their priority not me just because I am their parent. In the same way I feel I should be the priority as the partner over the adult children. I am the one with them daily and sharing my life with them. I once had a man tell me if he had to choose between me or his children he would choose me and my reply was that I would never want him to be in the position where he would have to choose. Either way I believe the partner should come first over adult children.
I think grown adult children might be a different category than what I was talking about. However, I would say that if my son, daughter or one of my grandchildren needed me… i’d be on my way I n a second with no thought to how that would affect a partner. But that’s me.
Hi Carey. I was interviewed for a story about dating Over 60 last week for the NYTs. I said that Coffee With Carey was my favorite coaching site. It wasn't included but noted. Kathy
I finished the video. As a widow, you spelled out my process pretty well. I'm just feeling ready to open my heart, in a romantic way, after 4 years. I have a lot of love to give still. I spent 1/3 of my life with my husband . All my years as a parent. Its impossible to negate his existence from 1/3 of my life for another person's comfort. There will always be a photo of him and our child, in my home. For our child's sake, as much as anything.
'His family photos' that is what is of concern to me of not having my family photos meaning my family wouldn't identify with my new place. I was even thinking maybe if l get married we alternate homes just for the sake of my children when they come home😮
I thought of keeping my home too just to be able to do what I want with my surroundings reasoning that I am too old (67) to accommodate someone else. But, I now realize that it is a way for me not to fully commit to my new love. And that may be ok. But before you decide that - have the talk. Hard as it may be. If he wants you in his home, you should not ignore his request. He may not feel loved if you ignore it. It has to be your home too. Otherwise stay put and “date”. If your children are old enough to live independently, you should be also able to do so too. Make up your own mind independent of the adult children.
I still miss my husband of 48 years , not a day goes by that I'm talking to him up in heaven. It's been a year and 8 months now and the pain is still there, I struggle with myself confidence and feeling lost. But I decided to go out and explore and I met someone by accident and it's been 4 months now and I'm scared but starting to feel comfortable being with someone else,it's not easy to just get back to things that are strange and different , but I'm letting myself learn that it's alright to be with someone else,it's ok . And the person I'm with let's me cry and understands that I need time to adjust. I'll never marry, but at least I know I'm alive and can enjoy life with someone or just be on my own. I'm going to be Alright, no matter what I do. Time flies I'm 68 and I'll always love and miss my late husband,but it's ok to be with someone else that cares for me and loves me the way I am. 💗
sounds like you are allowing yourself to work through your grief in your own time and that’s wonderful to hear. Also, it’s exciting to know you are rediscovering yourself and checking to see who you are at this point of your life. 🤎
Lost my wife of 24yrs to breast cancer last year in August 2022 maybe someday fhe right woman will come into my life but right now my whole focus and energy is spent on my 4 children
Thank you for the helpful video, my only thing to add is I don't think of my future life as "moving on", I don't like that term. I refer to it as my next journey and that gives me comfort and joy for the future. I will never "move on".
My heart is still trying to catch up with my head. I feel so lonely since my husband died six months ago (stage four cancer) - It is only now occurring to me that everything is totally down to me now 🤯
Awww, I’m sorry. You will be okay. I know it may seem overwhelming now, but many of us are out here handling all of it. It will be different but it’s not difficult. Hang in there.
I have been dating a widower for over 3 months. He just pulled away from me, and I didn't know why. I feel that it is because he is going through boxes of memories of his late wife. I understand what he must be going through, but I wish he would communicate with me how he feels. Since I am starting to fall for him, I plan to step back to protect my heart. 😢
Grief is not a process as that imo implies an end, where as our grief evolves but never ends. I speak as a widow and someone who is in a new relationship
The process is forever. So, no. There is no timeline. There's no end. Signed, a young widow. I have no guilt over the success in my marriage, to my dead husband. Nor guilt for my need for love on earth. If anything, people I've dated wanted to move slower than me. And it's true. My marriage ended in success. We didn't fail. My husband's final admissions to me before his death were that he felt that I was the best thing that ever happened in his life, and his grief over his mother who died. Grief is love. And if the love would have endured, the grief will. Until the final breath. That doesn't mean a person can't love someone else, though. I warn anyone who hasn't lost a spouse to be careful with what the emotional assumptions are.
Thank you dear Carey for a timely and very thorough "wisdom-sharing" video! From my widow's POV, there is absolute truth here; especially "timing is everything". Your thoughts are also helpful to bring extra awareness of how we widows/widowers present ourselves in dating situations.
Thank you so much for letting me know, Jane. I’m glad that you feel that I’m passing along some helpful information here! * Jane’s seal of approval* ☺️😉
Just dating a 5 year widower, he wants us to share our locations..either words go back and forth but live with each other to start...her pictures are everywhere, some items in her dresser her ashes on the mantle... generally nothing much has changed When do I ask to change those things...in my home, my late husband pictures are limited ( widow 17 years) if there are it's with the kids. ... What to do ? I would never ask to stop mourning but how can they "be in love with you" and then "this reminds me " sentence comes up
if you’re going to be a couple, you’ll have to be able to communicate, and if you can communicate, you should be able to mention if anything makes you uncomfortable. As to changing his place dramatically…? I would think when you are talking about creating a home together that reflects both of you and the new life you’re creating as a couple. -meaning when you live together. how often are you hearing “this reminds me of…” And then a story about the two of them? Because that’s something people need to learn how to reframe as they move onto new relationships. Has he had any counseling?
@@CoffeewithCarey no he hasn't. One thing I did notice of the few things that I took notice of... The second time we were together, to he had removed her picture from his wallet. What's left is pictures around the house. He's emptying a three-door dresser so I could leave things there when I stay with him because we live in two different states right now. I don't want to be the one responsible as in him saying, but you emptied her drawers ...that type of scenario. I don't want that to ever happen. The other thing is her picture is on his screensaver on his cell phone, again as I mentioned above. Her ashes are on the mantle. And her bed pillows....She was basically in the wheelchair bound the last 10 years of her life. She did not die at home and I think that was the tragedy of him calling 911 things like that. So her bed pillows are on the sofa that he stretches out on in the afternoon. He's retired. He's 76. I'm 67. We reconnected. We're old friends from 44 years ago. so I'm kind of like okay. How do I approach this in a kind manner...as we progress will it help him get over some of grief . I know I'm not there to replace but we're in the now, our time together. Thank you so much for responding
@@CoffeewithCarey PS Often, he'll bring up comparing or in a reminiscent way..."we did this" At times I think he wants me to cook like she did... It's often enough for me to know he's still grieving I totally understand but like you said....for us as a couple to move forward, there's got to be some changes
@@nancychristenson2903 I can’t really tell you how to approach things because I don’t know him well, I don’t know you well, and certainly don’t know the relationship. I believe if these situations apply to someone I was dating, I would suggest for the two of us to have couples counseling before moving into something very serious.
Carey I just broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months. Her husband had passed away about 2 years ago. She had never grieved the loss or healed from it. She is now taking the time to do that which I’m glad but it sure is painful.
@@mahaismail2022 hopefully there were some very strong strong signals that made you “insist”. otherwise you just broke up with somebody. I imagine it was for a good reason. 🤞
It doesn’t sound like he’s ready maybe. I hope you’ll be honest with him and let him know why you’re not going to be dating him anymore or send him a link to this episode. So he stands a chance of doing better with the next woman he feels connected to.
@@CoffeewithCarey doesn't everyone wants to be number one? it proves that he really chose you over the others, and not only when the others weren't available or interested. but again, the reality is that later in life, u will never be number one to any man.
Hmmm, So instead of being the priority in somebody’s life and living the dream with a partner who truly loves you you’d rather skip the whole thing and be in no place at all if you can’t be first? Our partners have been with other people before us. Maybe had their heart broken by women many times before meeting us. Personally I wouldn’t want to be somebody’s first experience. I want them to have dated a bunch of people and figured out what they wanted and what they Didn’t want in a relationship. so I’ve never their first, in that way, hopefully. But I don’t think there are medals given out for first place in a relationship I just need to know somebody loves me, not that they didn’t love somebody else before me.
@@CoffeewithCarey Hardly ever number 2 fulfills all your needs in romantic relationship. No woman with a healthy self-esteem will agree to be second while she has options of being one and only.
@@CoffeewithCarey we all know that with widowers it is not about having other people in past. Widowers carry these people with them into their new relationships. If he buys flowers for his new wife he also buys same flowers for his late wife. He wears 2 wedding rings, he places photos of his late wife around the house so nobody but him can breath there, he drags his new wife on holidays to recreate memories with his late wife, he buys new wife same clothes, jewelry , perfumes and so on and on and on. There are so many such and worse stories all over Internet. Relationship with a widower who actively is in a relationship with late spouse while dating or being married to someone else is only attractive to codependent women who experienced such abuse in past that something slightly better seems like love and good life. These women need therapy not a widower. Once they are healthy they will expect much more than being placed second after dead woman or any woman.
Was married for 42 years to my late wife. I'm not interested in going through the effort it takes to build it all again. I will stay Married and waiting to return to my wife.
@JeffreyWatkins-xk5wh I’m sorry you lost your wife. It sounds like you loved her dearly and are still hurting. My husband died 8 years ago after we had been married 41 yrs. They say opposites attract, but that’s not at all what I want at this stage of life. It seems to me it would be a lot more fun to share life with someone who agrees with you on religion & politics, and has a similar sense of humor. It’s also important to me that they want to go, see & do many of the same places & things as me. I want them to be healthy and do whatever it takes to remain that way. I don’t know if this helps you, but that’s what makes sense to me. God Bless you & provide all you stand in need of.
Married to a dead person?? To love and to be loved is for the living. Sorry for the denial may you be healed just to come to the truth no matter what your plans are.
I don't think I'll be comfortable to date again, after losing my husband this year... I'm afraid that after i invest my love he will also leave me😢😢😢 I feel so disappointed.. i loved my husband so much
I feel like it would be hard to imagine that while you’re in the middle of grieving. But if you find that after sometime, you are not moving through your grief at all, I hope you talk to a professional to help you do that.
Wanted your thoughts Carey on how I might one day date again. I lost my SO when she was only 34 and myself 35. I am a widowed father to a 1 year old, who was delivered early due to complications with my wife's health.
As a next step for a video: I am a member of the worst club; my baggage is that I lost my 20 yr young son 5 yrs ago. The issue is when and how to answer the inevitable question of how many kids and what do they do? I might answer I have 2, one is in heaven or he resides in the Skokie Cemetery. When asked during a 1st date, I was told my answer ruined her night (obviously no 2nd date), but I don’t want to be a downer. The question needs to be answered, do I say something on an initial phone call, avoid the subject for a while, but I can’t talk too much about his younger sister and not mention him. Grief will last until my last breath, and if the potential partner can’t deal with it (as with a widow or widower), they are not the right person. Thanks for listening and BTW, I see a golf teacher in your town of Naperville.
Oy, I’m sorry. That’s horrible and terribly unfair. 😔 I can do that episode - but I will tell you what I have said previously, as far as sharing what I consider personal information. People have to EARN THE RIGHT to our personal stories. It’s not our responsibility to lay out our feelings and full life story on a first or second date. Nor in our own best interest. First figure out whether this person is even worth sharing with! Ps. Skokie? What? Your high school? What year?
Thank you for this. It's been three years for me (33 years together)and I'm concerned about how much of me I could give to another woman but I want to try. A wonderful woman (4 years for her) came into my life six months ago. I finally asked her for a date and waiting for her reply. I've wept every day since but it feels like it's from my emotions for her more than for my wife. What if l tear up in front of her? Every instinct tells me it will make me appear weak and not ready.
So lovely to hear you have found someone new to care about. Honestly I don’t think tearing up is a anything to be concerned about, you can always just say you’re feeling a bit emotional. But if you start bawling in front of her that might be another story. But I think you have more control than you think. It’s good you enjoy bringing things up in our alone time. But we seem to be able to control that when other people are around. You’ll be fine. I don’t know if you have children but you might want to remember how when you found out you were having a second child and wondered how the heck you were ever going to love another like you did your first born. 💖
It was pretty long so hopefully you got the gist of it. Lol And I’m glad you thought it was interesting! My thought was that people might check out the beginning and only if they were in that situation would they bother to listen all the way through. Maybe I should not have buried the lead and put the positive right at the top of the episode. Oh well. Lol
well my widower bf spent my bday with his would've been in-laws, so yeah not true about not being a nonpriority. I've always made lots of room for his feelings and in-laws and friends and even on my birthday I was an after thought. Its important to reward desired behaviors, that's all ive got
Im on two dating sites and my status is a widower. I was told by a casual couple I know that it would attract more women if I listed myself as divorced or single. They reasoned that women don't want to be compared to the late wife or the emotions that may not have healed. Doing that would start any relationship with lies. It has been over 5 years now for me. I have had a relationship already so I know I have " moved" on. Currently unattached
I don’t think it’s dishonest to list your status as single. I’ve never listed myself as divorced on anything. I always try to live in the moment and in this current moment, I am single. Why should we label be labeled by our past and how we got here? I’m not a “former student”. I’m a college graduate.
I have no idea how to tell where someone else is in their grieving process except by what they tell me. I dated one widower who asked me out one year after his wife passed. But after having several great dates and other casual time together, he told me he was sorry, that he had thought he was ready, but it was too soon. He said he’d like to see me in the future if I was available and agreeable at that time… Now I’ve met another widower whose wife passed a little less than 2 years ago. Again, we’ve had fun together, been on several great dates, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. It seems the more they like me, the guiltier they feel for having a good time. If I’m doing something wrong, I have no idea what it is. Your thoughts?
One year seems like not much time and two years starts to feel like somebody might be ready. Are you saying that this second person who has had two years to grieve is not ready?!
@@CoffeewithCarey Thank you for your reply! I’m just saying I know I’m ready to date again, but I don’t know if he (the 2nd one) is or not. Conversation and laughter flow easily between us, we have fun together, and he seems eager to please me. Both of us were married for over 40 years, and were used to being part of a “we”. As a result, from time to time, something comes up in conversation about our late spouses. It still happens to me, and It’s been over 9 years since my husband passed. When he occasionally mentions his late wife in conversation, it seems natural to me. If he went on and on about how great she was at this or that, I’d be concerned. But that’s not the case. What other signs should I be listening and/or watching for?
I’ve dated 2 widowers. Horrible experiences. They both wanted to hold on to the late wife’s belongings in their bedroom. They both didn’t take down their photos when inviting another female to their home. Both times were similar in so many ways, and very very awkward. I felt like the late wife’s would always be in their hearts and minds. Learned my lesson..
Been widowed 5y….nobody will or can take my late husband’s place …and I get angered at those who are divorced cuz a wife or husband is a spouse for life till death due them part …death is final …divorce isn’t …divorce is just one of the spouse’s change of living venue …if anything , I would stay away from a divorced man , especially one with kids …no way !!!
Nobody ever takes somebody else’s place in any capacity in our life. People are not replaceable in that way. If it’s been five years though, and you have that kind of anger and you DO want a partner, if it were me, I would look into counseling for myself. 🤎
I agree - most divorced men I have met carry on the intimate connection and remain in the personal intimate zone with their ex wife basically so they don't have to break up with her and she can keep him in a relationship that has nothing whatsoever to do with the kids but they weaponize the kids and aim and shoot them at anyone as the excuse. They don't set appropriate or respectful boundaries and anyone new becomes the enemy under attack over it. Intimacy isn't just physical btw. I was even stalked, sexually vilified repeatedly and physically attacked by an ex wife out if her jealousy after he fuelled that by telling her every intimate private thing about us and me including my address and everywhere I went so she could stalk me. I had to get the cops involved.
@@blonde789 yes, a wife or husband is supposed to be a spouse for life, but some spouses betray the other one on that and the divorce is forcably imposed on the loyal and committed spouse, so why are you "angry" at all divorced people? I think people who don't take marraige seriously are absolutely horrible. It's bad enough to be falsely tainted by being divorced when you are not the one who caused it.
I've heard women describe the man she lost as the love of her life. How can any man compete with a ghost like that? Trying to date someone like her sounds more like a kamikaze mission
I don't recommend dating a widow at all if she has family who clearly will never accept it. I wasted several years thinking things would change. It didn't, and the next guy will be just as big a fool as I was for thinking it will.
I hope l can get to that place with my widower. He is a wonderful man who is leaps and bounds over my ex-husband. I am giving him space to sort through his feelings right now.
You mention reframing your stories, I have watched 2 different RUclips channels that deal with widows and widowers dating and both have brought that topic up. Both channels are by people (a man and a woman) who have been widowed.
I’m trying to figure out where you’re going with the comment. I am not widowed. I just have good common sense. ;-) And, for years, have recommend that even people who are divorced reframe their stories to not include their former spouse. 🤷🏻♀️
@@CoffeewithCarey you said that you didn't know if anyone else on RUclips was telling people to reframe their stories and I was reaffirming that there are people doing that.
I dated a woman who had been married 14 years, widowed for 15 (no children)...Never would shut up about him.....Never again will I date a woman who is widowed.
Hi Mrs Carey, no apologies for the video being late certainly not your fault and we understand things happen. So glad you were to upload and share your insight. Dating a widow or widower sounds like different from any other relationship to me. Losing a dear love is never easy.
You are right my friend. Patience and understanding can go along way in all relationships but even more so in this situation. I’m just glad people are finding the episode today. I don’t like people expecting me to show up and then letting them down.
@@bensprinks I misunderstood your point of view. Apologies. Of course, children will, and should in my opinion come before a new partner. That’s not their other parent. I am sure there are people who would disagree with me and that’s fine. 🤷🏻♀️
Doesn’t matter the gender. When someone passes away, it’s not that someone chose to not be with them. But eventually, depending on their age, many widows and widowers are able to move on eventually. The video is pretty helpful. I hope you watched the full thing.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
I am married to a man who was a Widower when we met. He was ready to love again & able to be a good husband. That made him head & shoulders above other men who were mostly commitment phobic, or wanted me to have their baby at my age! We have been married 3 years & he is the best thing that's ever happened to me! This is my 2nd marriage. My 1st marriage doesn't even compare to this one! The love keeps growing! We get along well & are extremely compatible. He listens & above all wants me to be happy & works to ensure I am! I treat him like the King he is!
What a lovely story! Thank you for sharing.
Very happy for you. Each person has there own amount of time to mourn. I have been a widower for 5.5 years, I miss the companionship and having a person to share life experiences. Maybe 67 will be a better year.
From bible study, only can re-marry if spouse died, and if spouse died after a divorce. Both ex spouses cannot remarrty while the ex is still alive. Hmmmm.
I am so happy for you. It sounds like you both love, respect and cherish one another and that’s what I want!
@@specialstone9153church gives really bad advice at times especially when the old and new testament contradict each other .
I highly doubt that God is going to keep you from entering the gates of heaven just because you married a divorced person who ex is still alive.
I lost my wife of 23 years to cancer last year. 6 months after I reconnected with my first love. We are so happy together I still love my wife but also totally in love with my partner.
I’m happy you’re happy. 🤎 Hopefully, you found something useful in this episode. 👍
Hello, Carey. Yes, your video is super helpful. I met a man who is a widower, and he had a very loving experience with his passed wife. She has been gone for 3 years now. We are so crazy compatible on every level that he even says I am a much stronger match to him than even his passed wife. And no, he is not exaggerating it. We seem like having a very healthy relationship building up, and your video just added up some confidence to me that this is going to last forever. Thank you so so much! This is the first video I watched on your channel, and I'm your subscriber now. 😂❤
I’m so glad you found the episode helpful! Welcome! 🤎
Great points! I'm dating a widower after my 2nd divorce. We're both learning & growing together. There are definitely differences between grieving a beloved spouse & grieving a divorce. You have to be willing to honestly & openly communicate (have the tough conversations). My guy didn't understand my discomfort w/ spending time in his home (shrine to his late wife) until I shared my feelings & point of view. How they refer to the late spouse & how frequently is huge too. Thank you for sharing this info!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🤎👍
That is why I am concerned about dating a widower especially when I live in a very sexist country where it would not even likely to occur to the man to concern himself at all with how I might or would feel, and I would not tolerate that at all. Having said that most widowers I have met throughput my life were already completely over the wife before she even died, and in some cases had already started a relationship with another woman by then which would be suspicious if it wasn't a terminal disease that the wife died of.
Widowed ten years ago after 23 years of marriage. Started dating someone about 3 months ago but she broke it off. Breaking things off with my friend, rocked my world. So I know I’m still working this disappointment, of the breakup, through areas of my life. In the meantime I’m getting rid of stuff, to help organise my house. and also working on growing into a more mature man.
That is the goal of quite a few people here who are single, divorced or widowed. 🤎
I went on a date after two years and it was way too soon for me…cried through the whole date. Now, four years later I am trying again. Married for 36 years to my soul mate.
Dating a person who had a very happy long marriage is very positive as it shows that person is capable of having such a relationship.
Everything in its own time.♥️
And that was my bonus tip at the end! Now people can just read your comment and they don’t have to watch the episode. ;-).
I love u really ❤❤😍😍
I like u 🌷🌷👧👧
I m very seriouse intrested with u well u merry me I m triad live alone life 💑💑💗💗❤❤🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
Hello DM let's be honest friends
So what man wants to be the not soul mate husband?
@@CoffeewithCareyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I loved this video! You brought out excellent points. My second marriage was to a widower and at first I was a little worried that I would be dating someone who’s wife that passed would be elevated to “Saint” level. However, it was not that way at all! He must have been ready because after him telling me about her, he rarely brought up her name and when she did come up in conversation I never felt threatened by his love for her. Rather, it showed me how capable he was of being in truly loving husband. We were married for 14 years before Pneumonia took him. Now I’m the Widow. He passed almost a year and a half ago now and I’m now just starting to date again. I want to be sure that I don’t over mention him in my new conversations with my dates.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Debbie. What a beautiful love story you have.
Hi ❤❤
You had said the children will always be the priority. I disagree. My children are adults with their own lives and families. I expect their partners to be their priority not me just because I am their parent. In the same way I feel I should be the priority as the partner over the adult children. I am the one with them daily and sharing my life with them. I once had a man tell me if he had to choose between me or his children he would choose me and my reply was that I would never want him to be in the position where he would have to choose. Either way I believe the partner should come first over adult children.
I think grown adult children might be a different category than what I was talking about. However, I would say that if my son, daughter or one of my grandchildren needed me… i’d be on my way I n a second with no thought to how that would affect a partner. But that’s me.
Hi Carey. I was interviewed for a story about dating Over 60 last week for the NYTs. I said that Coffee With Carey was my favorite coaching site. It wasn't included but noted.
Kathy
You are a sweetheart, Kathy! Thank you for the compliment and letting me know! 🤎👍
also that is heartbreaking. hahah
The grieving process in non linear. My late wife is not my ex, she is my late wife.
Indeed! 🤎
I finished the video. As a widow, you spelled out my process pretty well. I'm just feeling ready to open my heart, in a romantic way, after 4 years. I have a lot of love to give still. I spent 1/3 of my life with my husband . All my years as a parent. Its impossible to negate his existence from 1/3 of my life for another person's comfort. There will always be a photo of him and our child, in my home. For our child's sake, as much as anything.
If somebody wants you to erase your previous life experiences they are not the right person. 💖
'His family photos' that is what is of concern to me of not having my family photos meaning my family wouldn't identify with my new place. I was even thinking maybe if l get married we alternate homes just for the sake of my children when they come home😮
I thought of keeping my home too just to be able to do what I want with my surroundings reasoning that I am too old (67) to accommodate someone else. But, I now realize that it is a way for me not to fully commit to my new love. And that may be ok. But before you decide that - have the talk. Hard as it may be. If he wants you in his home, you should not ignore his request. He may not feel loved if you ignore it. It has to be your home too. Otherwise stay put and “date”. If your children are old enough to live independently, you should be also able to do so too. Make up your own mind independent of the adult children.
I still miss my husband of 48 years , not a day goes by that I'm talking to him up in heaven. It's been a year and 8 months now and the pain is still there, I struggle with myself confidence and feeling lost. But I decided to go out and explore and I met someone by accident and it's been 4 months now and I'm scared but starting to feel comfortable being with someone else,it's not easy to just get back to things that are strange and different , but I'm letting myself learn that it's alright to be with someone else,it's ok . And the person I'm with let's me cry and understands that I need time to adjust.
I'll never marry, but at least I know I'm alive and can enjoy life with someone or just be on my own.
I'm going to be Alright, no matter what I do. Time flies I'm 68 and I'll always love and miss my late husband,but it's ok to be with someone else that cares for me and loves me the way I am. 💗
sounds like you are allowing yourself to work through your grief in your own time and that’s wonderful to hear. Also, it’s exciting to know you are rediscovering yourself and checking to see who you are at this point of your life. 🤎
Lost my wife of 24yrs to breast cancer last year in August 2022 maybe someday fhe right woman will come into my life but right now my whole focus and energy is spent on my 4 children
Im sorry for your family’s loss.
Depending on the age of the children, that seems like a common stage and order of events for many folks. 🤎
@CoffeewithCarey Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.
I have 3 and widowed too can we have a blended family together ❤
Married for 63 years. Now in my mid 80’s. Is there any hope for me?
i dunno. what are you hoping for?
… and what are you willing to give up to get it?
As long as you are breathing there is HOPE !
Thank you for the helpful video, my only thing to add is I don't think of my future life as "moving on", I don't like that term. I refer to it as my next journey and that gives me comfort and joy for the future. I will never "move on".
I can understand and respect that. But rest, assured, I did not mean moving on and forgetting!
My heart is still trying to catch up with my head. I feel so lonely since my husband died six months ago (stage four cancer) - It is only now occurring to me that everything is totally down to me now 🤯
Awww, I’m sorry.
You will be okay. I know it may seem overwhelming now, but many of us are out here handling all of it. It will be different but it’s not difficult. Hang in there.
I have been dating a widower for over 3 months. He just pulled away from me, and I didn't know why. I feel that it is because he is going through boxes of memories of his late wife. I understand what he must be going through, but I wish he would communicate with me how he feels. Since I am starting to fall for him, I plan to step back to protect my heart. 😢
Before you do that, maybe try scheduling a conversation. #CommunicationCommunicationCommunication.
Grief is not a process as that imo implies an end, where as our grief evolves but never ends. I speak as a widow and someone who is in a new relationship
I don’t believe there are any rules or a timeline for how long the stages or ‘process’ takes.
The process is forever. So, no. There is no timeline. There's no end. Signed, a young widow. I have no guilt over the success in my marriage, to my dead husband. Nor guilt for my need for love on earth. If anything, people I've dated wanted to move slower than me. And it's true. My marriage ended in success. We didn't fail. My husband's final admissions to me before his death were that he felt that I was the best thing that ever happened in his life, and his grief over his mother who died. Grief is love. And if the love would have endured, the grief will. Until the final breath. That doesn't mean a person can't love someone else, though. I warn anyone who hasn't lost a spouse to be careful with what the emotional assumptions are.
Thank you dear Carey for a timely and very thorough "wisdom-sharing" video! From my widow's POV, there is absolute truth here; especially "timing is everything". Your thoughts are also helpful to bring extra awareness of how we widows/widowers present ourselves in dating situations.
Thank you so much for letting me know, Jane. I’m glad that you feel that I’m passing along some helpful information here!
* Jane’s seal of approval*
☺️😉
Just dating a 5 year widower, he wants us to share our locations..either words go back and forth but live with each other to start...her pictures are everywhere, some items in her dresser her ashes on the mantle... generally nothing much has changed
When do I ask to change those things...in my home, my late husband pictures are limited ( widow 17 years) if there are it's with the kids.
...
What to do ? I would never ask to stop mourning but how can they "be in love with you" and then "this reminds me " sentence comes up
if you’re going to be a couple, you’ll have to be able to communicate, and if you can communicate, you should be able to mention if anything makes you uncomfortable.
As to changing his place dramatically…? I would think when you are talking about creating a home together that reflects both of you and the new life you’re creating as a couple. -meaning when you live together.
how often are you hearing “this reminds me of…” And then a story about the two of them? Because that’s something people need to learn how to reframe as they move onto new relationships. Has he had any counseling?
@@CoffeewithCarey no he hasn't. One thing I did notice of the few things that I took notice of... The second time we were together, to he had removed her picture from his wallet. What's left is pictures around the house. He's emptying a three-door dresser so I could leave things there when I stay with him because we live in two different states right now. I don't want to be the one responsible as in him saying, but you emptied her drawers ...that type of scenario. I don't want that to ever happen. The other thing is her picture is on his screensaver on his cell phone, again as I mentioned above. Her ashes are on the mantle. And her bed pillows....She was basically in the wheelchair bound the last 10 years of her life. She did not die at home and I think that was the tragedy of him calling 911 things like that. So her bed pillows are on the sofa that he stretches out on in the afternoon. He's retired. He's 76. I'm 67. We reconnected. We're old friends from 44 years ago. so I'm kind of like okay. How do I approach this in a kind manner...as we progress will it help him get over some of grief . I know I'm not there to replace but we're in the now, our time together.
Thank you so much for responding
@@CoffeewithCarey PS
Often, he'll bring up comparing or in a reminiscent way..."we did this"
At times I think he wants me to cook like she did...
It's often enough for me to know he's still grieving
I totally understand but like you said....for us as a couple to move forward, there's got to be some changes
@@nancychristenson2903 Definitely!
@@nancychristenson2903 I can’t really tell you how to approach things because I don’t know him well, I don’t know you well, and certainly don’t know the relationship. I believe if these situations apply to someone I was dating, I would suggest for the two of us to have couples counseling before moving into something very serious.
If that new possible partner keeps talking about their previous spouse they are not over them so are not ready to date.
I would tend to agree, but I have worked with some clients who just get into the bad habit of including their former spouse and all their stories.
Hi thank you so much would love to be connected am a widow for five years now
Good luck getting yourself back out there. 👍 There is a wealth of information here, in my hundreds of episodes, to get you started. 🤎
Carey I just broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months. Her husband had passed away about 2 years ago. She had never grieved the loss or healed from it. She is now taking the time to do that which I’m glad but it sure is painful.
I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t understand that but I suppose everybody grieves differently.
I have the same situation. I decided to give him space and told him to take his time to grieve .. he didn’t want that but I insisted
@@mahaismail2022 hopefully there were some very strong strong signals that made you “insist”. otherwise you just broke up with somebody. I imagine it was for a good reason. 🤞
I'm dating a widower and he's talking about he's late Girlfriend like everyday I'm tired of him it's too much for me
It doesn’t sound like he’s ready maybe. I hope you’ll be honest with him and let him know why you’re not going to be dating him anymore or send him a link to this episode. So he stands a chance of doing better with the next woman he feels connected to.
He's not ready to date Sis !
5:25 I also feel that way. I will never be number one. I will get less and be second choice. it just feels that way
It’s not a contest. Maybe ask why number one is so important if being number two fulfills all your needs.🤷🏻♀️
@@CoffeewithCarey doesn't everyone wants to be number one? it proves that he really chose you over the others, and not only when the others weren't available or interested. but again, the reality is that later in life, u will never be number one to any man.
Hmmm, So instead of being the priority in somebody’s life and living the dream with a partner who truly loves you you’d rather skip the whole thing and be in no place at all if you can’t be first?
Our partners have been with other people before us. Maybe had their heart broken by women many times before meeting us. Personally I wouldn’t want to be somebody’s first experience. I want them to have dated a bunch of people and figured out what they wanted and what they Didn’t want in a relationship. so I’ve never their first, in that way, hopefully.
But I don’t think there are medals given out for first place in a relationship I just need to know somebody loves me, not that they didn’t love somebody else before me.
@@CoffeewithCarey Hardly ever number 2 fulfills all your needs in romantic relationship. No woman with a healthy self-esteem will agree to be second while she has options of being one and only.
@@CoffeewithCarey we all know that with widowers it is not about having other people in past. Widowers carry these people with them into their new relationships. If he buys flowers for his new wife he also buys same flowers for his late wife. He wears 2 wedding rings, he places photos of his late wife around the house so nobody but him can breath there, he drags his new wife on holidays to recreate memories with his late wife, he buys new wife same clothes, jewelry , perfumes and so on and on and on. There are so many such and worse stories all over Internet. Relationship with a widower who actively is in a relationship with late spouse while dating or being married to someone else is only attractive to codependent women who experienced such abuse in past that something slightly better seems like love and good life. These women need therapy not a widower. Once they are healthy they will expect much more than being placed second after dead woman or any woman.
Was married for 42 years to my late wife. I'm not interested in going through the effort it takes to build it all again. I will stay Married and waiting to return to my wife.
That’s certainly an option. How many more years do you plan on living?
@JeffreyWatkins-xk5wh
I’m sorry you lost your wife. It sounds like you loved her dearly and are still hurting. My husband died 8 years ago after we had been married 41 yrs.
They say opposites attract, but that’s not at all what I want at this stage of life. It seems to me it would be a lot more fun to share life with someone who agrees with you on religion & politics, and has a similar sense of humor. It’s also important to me that they want to go, see & do many of the same places & things as me. I want them to be healthy and do whatever it takes to remain that way. I don’t know if this helps you, but that’s what makes sense to me. God Bless you & provide all you stand in need of.
Married to a dead person?? To love and to be loved is for the living. Sorry for the denial may you be healed just to come to the truth no matter what your plans are.
I don't think I'll be comfortable to date again, after losing my husband this year... I'm afraid that after i invest my love he will also leave me😢😢😢 I feel so disappointed.. i loved my husband so much
I feel like it would be hard to imagine that while you’re in the middle of grieving. But if you find that after sometime, you are not moving through your grief at all, I hope you talk to a professional to help you do that.
Wanted your thoughts Carey on how I might one day date again. I lost my SO when she was only 34 and myself 35. I am a widowed father to a 1 year old, who was delivered early due to complications with my wife's health.
Most all of my dating advice is applicable to dating as a widowed father. You probably just need the added benefit of a counselor or therapist. 💖
@@CoffeewithCarey thanks. Yes, i have a therapist already
As a next step for a video: I am a member of the worst club; my baggage is that I lost my 20 yr young son 5 yrs ago. The issue is when and how to answer the inevitable question of how many kids and what do they do? I might answer I have 2, one is in heaven or he resides in the Skokie Cemetery. When asked during a 1st date, I was told my answer ruined her night (obviously no 2nd date), but I don’t want to be a downer. The question needs to be answered, do I say something on an initial phone call, avoid the subject for a while, but I can’t talk too much about his younger sister and not mention him. Grief will last until my last breath, and if the potential partner can’t deal with it (as with a widow or widower), they are not the right person.
Thanks for listening and BTW, I see a golf teacher in your town of Naperville.
Oy, I’m sorry. That’s horrible and terribly unfair. 😔
I can do that episode - but I will tell you what I have said previously, as far as sharing what I consider personal information.
People have to EARN THE RIGHT to our personal stories.
It’s not our responsibility to lay out our feelings and full life story on a first or second date. Nor in our own best interest.
First figure out whether this person is even worth sharing with!
Ps. Skokie? What? Your high school? What year?
I’m originally from NYC. I lived in Highland Park for 20 yrs, now in Mundelein. Skokie is the burial place for my son.
@@barrycohen9430 I see. I thought you may also have lived in Skokie.
(I went to HS there.)
@@barrycohen9430small world. I live in Gurnee. From Lake Forest and had family that owned a store in Highland Park.
Thank you for this. It's been three years for me (33 years together)and I'm concerned about how much of me I could give to another woman but I want to try. A wonderful woman (4 years for her) came into my life six months ago. I finally asked her for a date and waiting for her reply. I've wept every day since but it feels like it's from my emotions for her more than for my wife. What if l tear up in front of her? Every instinct tells me it will make me appear weak and not ready.
So lovely to hear you have found someone new to care about.
Honestly I don’t think tearing up is a anything to be concerned about, you can always just say you’re feeling a bit emotional. But if you start bawling in front of her that might be another story. But I think you have more control than you think. It’s good you enjoy bringing things up in our alone time. But we seem to be able to control that when other people are around. You’ll be fine.
I don’t know if you have children but you might want to remember how when you found out you were having a second child and wondered how the heck you were ever going to love another like you did your first born. 💖
Thanks Cary very interesting challenges 💝
It was pretty long so hopefully you got the gist of it. Lol And I’m glad you thought it was interesting! My thought was that people might check out the beginning and only if they were in that situation would they bother to listen all the way through. Maybe I should not have buried the lead and put the positive right at the top of the episode. Oh well. Lol
Yes its very hard to move on there not such thing as the right time
Just a right time for everyone individually.
well my widower bf spent my bday with his would've been in-laws, so yeah not true about not being a nonpriority. I've always made lots of room for his feelings and in-laws and friends and even on my birthday I was an after thought. Its important to reward desired behaviors, that's all ive got
Some people, no matter their relationship history or marital status, are a$$&01es. That’s my thought.
@@CoffeewithCarey that's true
Im on two dating sites and my status is a widower. I was told by a casual couple I know that it would attract more women if I listed myself as divorced or single.
They reasoned that women don't want to be compared to the late wife or the emotions that may not have healed. Doing that would start any relationship with lies.
It has been over 5 years now for me. I have had a relationship already so I know I have " moved" on. Currently unattached
I don’t think it’s dishonest to list your status as single. I’ve never listed myself as divorced on anything.
I always try to live in the moment and in this current moment, I am single. Why should we label be labeled by our past and how we got here? I’m not a “former student”. I’m a college graduate.
@@CoffeewithCarey thanks ill think about that
I have no idea how to tell where someone else is in their grieving process except by what they tell me. I dated one widower who asked me out one year after his wife passed. But after having several great dates and other casual time together, he told me he was sorry, that he had thought he was ready, but it was too soon. He said he’d like to see me in the future if I was available and agreeable at that time…
Now I’ve met another widower whose wife passed a little less than 2 years ago. Again, we’ve had fun together, been on several great dates, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. It seems the more they like me, the guiltier they feel for having a good time. If I’m doing something wrong, I have no idea what it is. Your thoughts?
One year seems like not much time and two years starts to feel like somebody might be ready. Are you saying that this second person who has had two years to grieve is not ready?!
@@CoffeewithCarey Thank you for your reply! I’m just saying I know I’m ready to date again, but I don’t know if he (the 2nd one) is or not.
Conversation and laughter flow easily between us, we
have fun together, and he seems eager to please me. Both of us were married for over 40 years, and were used to being part of a “we”. As a result, from time to time, something comes up in conversation about our late spouses. It still happens to me, and It’s been over 9 years since my husband passed. When he occasionally mentions his late wife in conversation, it seems natural to me. If he went on and on about how great she was at this or that, I’d be concerned. But that’s not the case. What other signs should I be listening and/or watching for?
@@user-ei8rb7sj6c if you have particular questions beyond the episode, I’d be happy to chat with you. ☺️👍
www.coffeewithcarey.com/scheduling
I’ve dated 2 widowers. Horrible experiences. They both wanted to hold on to the late wife’s belongings in their bedroom. They both didn’t take down their photos when inviting another female to their home. Both times were similar in so many ways, and very very awkward. I felt like the late wife’s would always be in their hearts and minds. Learned my lesson..
Thank you for this advice
Lynn, You are very very welcome! Thanks for commenting and letting me know that this was helpful for you
Been widowed 5y….nobody will or can take my late husband’s place …and I get angered at those who are divorced cuz a wife or husband is a spouse for life till death due them part …death is final …divorce isn’t …divorce is just one of the spouse’s change of living venue …if anything , I would stay away from a divorced man , especially one with kids …no way !!!
Nobody ever takes somebody else’s place in any capacity in our life. People are not replaceable in that way.
If it’s been five years though, and you have that kind of anger and you DO want a partner, if it were me, I would look into counseling for myself. 🤎
I agree - most divorced men I have met carry on the intimate connection and remain in the personal intimate zone with their ex wife basically so they don't have to break up with her and she can keep him in a relationship that has nothing whatsoever to do with the kids but they weaponize the kids and aim and shoot them at anyone as the excuse. They don't set appropriate or respectful boundaries and anyone new becomes the enemy under attack over it. Intimacy isn't just physical btw. I was even stalked, sexually vilified repeatedly and physically attacked by an ex wife out if her jealousy after he fuelled that by telling her every intimate private thing about us and me including my address and everywhere I went so she could stalk me. I had to get the cops involved.
Don't expect a guy to replace your husband just take him for what he is good and bad ?!
@@blonde789 yes, a wife or husband is supposed to be a spouse for life, but some spouses betray the other one on that and the divorce is forcably imposed on the loyal and committed spouse, so why are you "angry" at all divorced people? I think people who don't take marraige seriously are absolutely horrible. It's bad enough to be falsely tainted by being divorced when you are not the one who caused it.
I'm a long term widower. Where do the widows hide? They are IMPOSSIBLE to find.
Are you on any of the dating apps for seniors?
Also, they have to grocery shop. Do you go to religious services? They’re in all the same places that women go. Check out one of those episodes.
What if he puts up 2 life size pictures of her up in the living room.
😳🥹 go slowly and communicate?
Run!
@@flipdiva0007 Fast and far
That's a tad insensitive and probably means he's not ready to date ?
Hi would love to be connected am a widow
Make it happen, Nancy!
You go girl!
thank you
🙏
I've heard women describe the man she lost as the love of her life. How can any man compete with a ghost like that? Trying to date someone like her sounds more like a kamikaze mission
I’ve heard dozens of men do the same thing. Losing a partner is very difficult.
Explain to her you are different than her husband ?
I don't recommend dating a widow at all if she has family who clearly will never accept it. I wasted several years thinking things would change. It didn't, and the next guy will be just as big a fool as I was for thinking it will.
Well that’s why we take time getting to know people and assess the situation over a handful of dates
@@CoffeewithCarey Oh, I know her alright, but cared enough about her to keep playing her breakup game every 2 months--for years....
And I guess you won’t be taking five years again, to believe that somebody is who they say they are. 💖👍
@@CoffeewithCarey Your assumption is correct.
If you are like me and never married, do not get involved with a widow.
I hope l can get to that place with my widower. He is a wonderful man who is leaps and bounds over my ex-husband. I am giving him space to sort through his feelings right now.
Continue to communicate!
Thankyou for this but me I prefer dating a widower
You do you, Elizabeth! 💖👍
@@CoffeewithCarey yes
Dating a widower has been the most toxic miserable experience of my life.
Awww shoot. Any of my thoughts and comments useful? 🤷🏻♀️
You mention reframing your stories, I have watched 2 different RUclips channels that deal with widows and widowers dating and both have brought that topic up. Both channels are by people (a man and a woman) who have been widowed.
I’m trying to figure out where you’re going with the comment. I am not widowed. I just have good common sense. ;-) And, for years, have recommend that even people who are divorced reframe their stories to not include their former spouse. 🤷🏻♀️
@@CoffeewithCarey you said that you didn't know if anyone else on RUclips was telling people to reframe their stories and I was reaffirming that there are people doing that.
Ohhhh. Okay. Thanks. I don’t recall that but I’m old.
there is no demand for 60 year old widowers....
100% Untrue. Matchmakers are matching them every single day!
You are wrong bro!
I dated a woman who had been married 14 years, widowed for 15 (no children)...Never would shut up about him.....Never again will I date a woman who is widowed.
Because of one??! 🤦🏻♀️
@@CoffeewithCarey One was enough
Same here .. but understandable
As soon as it was clear she kept talking about him you should have bailed ?
@ Had never dated a widow, kept thinking it would get better....After 4 months I bailed
Hi Mrs Carey, no apologies for the video being late certainly not your fault and we understand things happen.
So glad you were to upload and share your insight. Dating a widow or widower sounds like different from any other relationship to me. Losing a dear love is never easy.
You are right my friend. Patience and understanding can go along way in all relationships but even more so in this situation.
I’m just glad people are finding the episode today. I don’t like people expecting me to show up and then letting them down.
Don't! The deceased spouse will always be there, you will always be compared, and you will never measure up.
Sorry if this has happened to you, but that’s definitely not true for everyone. Making generalizations to keep people from connecting isn’t helpful.
@@CoffeewithCarey I've experienced it first hand, and had many friends, both male and female, who have also. So, if not a red flag, at least a yellow.
Might depend on how good the marriage was ?
Another person's kids "are a priority" means you ARE in second place. Come on.
Tell me you’re not a parent without telling me you’re not a parent…
@@CoffeewithCarey 5 daughters & 7 grandchildren later. They would always be priority no matter who I remarried.
@@bensprinks I misunderstood your point of view. Apologies. Of course, children will, and should in my opinion come before a new partner. That’s not their other parent. I am sure there are people who would disagree with me and that’s fine. 🤷🏻♀️
Widows. Always comparing you to their dead husband, who was perfect… seems impossible to me…
Doesn’t matter the gender. When someone passes away, it’s not that someone chose to not be with them. But eventually, depending on their age, many widows and widowers are able to move on eventually. The video is pretty helpful. I hope you watched the full thing.