My partner is my secure base as well. He was told to have a calming effect on traumatized women eversince because he stays calm no matter what. He is literally the block of ice inside the firestorm calming down everyone around him. It is so liberating to have somebody who "doesn't care" about you raging like a lunatic and still loves you.
my secure base are the stories that I come up with, it's something I can always go back to, to feel good, to heal, to reflect and to let my emotions flow.
The question "where or who is your base" is very interesting... I just now realized, it's some time now, I don't have A base... I live with my boyfriend, but we are very different persons, and we don't want the same things in life... And I have now realized that he is not my base anymore, since a long time now... I have different bases: I have a lot of friends, I have my mother (but who lives far from me), and especially I have my home, my room, my tv series, my youtube channels (it's true!)... And I have myself... But, I would like very much to have a person who is also my base... I hope I'll find that person one day :) Thank you so much for your insight and super interesting reflexions! ❤️
Thanks for sharing this video. My marriage was also my home base for a long time. When it ended, I didn't go to a corner. I curled up in the middle of the ring and just kept taking my beating. I didn't want to be a burden to people, a bummer for my married friends, a source of worry for my family as I spiraled deeper and deeper into misery,. Eventually I began to fantasize about ending it, so I did finally reach out to a counselor. Counseling gave me the courage to really reconnect with my friends and family. I found once again just how many people were in my "corner" - and how much I needed them to reconnect to the world at large and remember why I wanted to live.
Thank you for this. It's so true. We often find it easier to help than to ask for help. The "not wanting to be a burden" is so universal. Oftentimes people want to be there for us if we'll just ask. I greatly appreciate your vulnerability. - Jonathan
@@MendedLight It's true - two of my best friends actually thanked me for letting them help me, as they'd felt worse standing helpless on the sidelines. I was so surprised, but of course I feel the same way. :)
For a lot of time in life I have had no secure base. My bed may have been the closest, until violence enterred my bedroom. Then my apartment became my secure base when I moved out, but it was only a resting place, it didn't help me in any way. Today I may have a friend who is helping the best she can, but she lives in another country but we talk almost daily. She accepts most things I say, and shut me down when I go far too overboard, calling myself some truly horrible things. Still, she met her first boyfriend not long ago, and I couldn't be happier for her, I feel so happy and I hope I was part of it, every day she could tell me about him giving her a compliment and telling her what I thought it meant. But now I am scared as hell that she will become too busy to be my safe base anymore, and that is scary.
You mention a favorite youtube channel as a possibility for a secure base. I have chronic emotional and physical fatigue and frequently visit youtube or indulge in shows or video games as a way to cope. I often worry that this habit is a sign of avoidance or an "addictive personality." That I'm not facing my mental health issues in a productive or positive way. I've recently self-diagnosed as autistic and discovered a channel here that's a great resource: Aspergers from the Inside. In at least one video, the host Paul describes the phenomenon of autistic burnout, which helped me understand that perhaps my fatigue is a symptom of constant low-key stress, where I need to take more breaks from life than the average neurotypical person, and sometimes these breaks are long and isolating. I wonder if these so-called indulgences or "addictive behaviors" are my way of taking a break from the stress of living in a neurotypical world. As always, my life is a long process of discovery and self-acceptance. I wanted to share my thoughts in the hope that someone will learn something, either about themselves or the world around them. Sometimes the person who learns something is me, and that's good enough.
Sharky snuggles from a fellow ASD person (the sharky is so soft & snuggly & a sensory pleasure), even if you don't like hugs. if you do you can have one from me
This reminds me of a podcast I took part in last year where we talked about finding your flow in polyamory and how it involves building a stable base before inviting others in. I don't know how much comes from my religious upbringing or the myriad of resources I've approached or researched to write my books. My partner is a rock. I find myself gravitating towards him in my mind a lot watching this video. His family always makes me feel safe, validated and accepted. In fact I would say they're a perfect example of a normal healthy family dynamic.
I'm so lucky to have multiple layers of people: family members who accept me without question, a small group of friends who will not only support me but also have healthy boundaries (and respect me creating and practicing enforcing my own) so the relationships stay healthy in both directions, I have a great professional support team (therapist, psychiatrist, and medical doctors) so that I'm able to seek their input when my needs go beyond help from non-professionals (friends don't really have a scope of practice... lol... but still). It has taken a *long* time for me to trust those people with the broken parts and it's still really hard to show anything other than the "positive, friendly, responsible, steady, secure" persona that I have always presented. But slowly being honest, being vulnerable when I am with safe people, has been so different. I'm so lucky. It's still hard, especially because I can't physically be near any of them right now. But I'm grateful for the people in my life, even if there are days when I feel like I am unworthy of their unconditional love and support. That I'm not enough for them. That I'm too broken. But somehow, they keep being patient and repeat, again and again, "We know it is hard, and we're here when you're ready."
I have a feeling we may be of the same faith lol. These last few years have been rough for me, this has helped me realize that losing my 'secure base' has been contributing to that hardship. My mother was also my security but things have happened where trust got shattered a bit and I feel so up in the air. I feel like I'm still looking for that home base. Thank you for doing this channel, I'm very grateful to have found it, this and the cinema therapy channel have been amazingly helpful (the one with iron man and ptsd was very impactful for me as well) you guys rock :)
This video was great! Thank you so much! I can second your statement about not having a safe base being a challenge! While spending some time serving as a travelling minister, I had fellow ministers assigned to live and work with me. Because I was very far from home and had to abstain from communications outside my congregation's borders, my ministering companions were the only reliable social connection I had at the time, and were supposed to be my 'safe base'. Unfortunately, I had many companions that were abusive and unjust, which not only hurt on a personal level, but stripped away any semblance of safety from my life. After finishing my service period, I was able to find many 'safe bases' once I was able to live with my family again and receive some much-needed therapy and medication. Having trust and penitence before a higher power has greatly helped me on my path towards becoming a mended light!
I have some BPD tendencies: hot and cold (intimate and close for 2 weeks to one month and then just unsure of how to continue so I fade slowly), rapid mood swings, and very black/white perfectionistic, idealistic thinking. The more I grow closer to people, the more I grow fearful for the emotional harm they can do me. I've been in therapy for 6 or so years. Thought I had depression, no it turns out it was anxiety. Then the anxiety wasn't just anxiety, it was tinged with some BPD traits. My current therapist is leaving in two months to support his wife in a career move. The sense of loss is strong right now and we've been working through it. My secure base was therapy until he told me he had to leave. My secure base is a bunch of friends on Discord I can shit around with, but sometimes they're busy with their own lives and I feel like I'm intruding. I don't know. I feel so lost right now. I feel so alone even though my friends have my back. What do I even do?
@@MendedLight We're slowly working on finding someone new, but part of me just doesn't want him to leave? Though the more mature side of me understands why he's moving. He's supporting his wife's career decision. That's such a great thing, and I respect him for it. But also, it hurts because it brings the therapy relationship to a close. I worked with him through my school's therapy center, so it's not like I'm losing that. He's even given me two potential people I can work with and he's even suggested I work in a DBT-focused group setting as an addition. It's a little scary, but I also don't want to disrespect the time and effort he and I put into the therapy by not giving it a try, y'know? It just hurts though. It really hurts. He says I'm strong enough to pull through, but right now I'm going to have to just trust his judgment because I don't see it at the moment. Thank you for responding.
I love my parents and I know they love me unconditionally, so you'd think they were my secure base, and they are to some extent, but I often struggle with telling them things because I don't want them to worry. One of my parents has had trauma-related depression for most of my childhood and it resulted in me partly picking up a parenting role, trying to look after her and protect her. So, I generally don't want to burden her, especially with regards to issues I picked up from her or her traumatised and abusive mother. My other parent was my secure base until I went on a year abroad as a teenager and things did not go too well. The whole situation worried her immensely and she has been constantly worrying about me since. So after that I ended up just putting on a brave face so both of them wouldn't worry. I relied completely on relationships for my secure base, which backfired as one of them was extremly toxic, the person telling me I should just kill myself whenever people weren't around. Another study abroad trip gave me the physical distance needed to get out. Moved to that country for the rest of my education and it has become a physical secure base to some extent. Kept trying to have romantic relationships as my secure base and it kept resulting in me getting hurt. Over the past 3 years or so, I have slowly started to heal myself. My (former) flatmate became one of my new secure bases and despite her now living at the other end of the country, she remains that. I have also managed to talk about things with my parents, not everything, but it's a start. And another friend, who is quite a bit older than me, has become like a surrogate aunt, somebody who's just a few minutes away if I need somebody. I still worry about other people worrying about me, still struggle with opening up to my parents, but I guess I have accepted that they will worry about me whether I tell them anything or not and I am slowly accepting that they are strong enough to handle it. I think the main thing I have learned is that relying on only one secure base is not the best idea, because if that base crumbled, you may lose your footing completely
Thank you for writing in! Having relationships where you can open up to others and they have genuine concern for you is actually healthy and a beautiful thing! You may be stopping yourself from being closely connected, due to your worry that they will worry. But stop worrying! Start focusing on how to love them well and allow yourself to be loved by them, which includes them being concerned for you.
This is going to sound completely weird, but my secure base is a plushie sharky. A specific plushie sharky. I tried parents but they were too critical & refused to listen. I don't have a relationship, & I tried friends but there was just too much drama & it hurt. The sharky has a whole community built round them. I'm on both the Reddit & the Discord, & of the latter I've only found one which comes close to how caring & wholesome the sharky Discord is (hint: you're there). Seeing the pictures of plushie sharkies like my one in all kinds of situations & scenarios, & sharing my own, in both the Reddit & the Discord, gives me a sense of connection in a way I haven't felt in years. I feel snuggled when I'm on the Discord in particular, & it's amazing.
Mine is a rabbit plushie I've had pretty much since birth (over 25 years ago). I hope I never wear it down; it already has some bald spots from being cuddled excessively o.O
Haven't had a good cry in a while, this really set me off though. I don't have any secure attachments and it's deeply lonely and I'm always scared for the future. My parents accept me back but home has never been healthy and I can't truly rely on them. Friends come and go, and actively seeking deeper connections has only brought toxicity into my life. I had a loving and supportive relationship for nearly 5 years but my issues with mental health and employment eventually put too much strain for it to continue. Every new friendship group or chance at a relationship is an opportunity I crave so much but don't know if *I'm* good enough for because I don't want to risk my damage making me an unhealthy friend or partner. Do you have any advice for cultivating healthy parasocial relationships? Is there such a thing? I know to keep my emotional boundaries in check, even when I'm relying on the 'company' and 'connection' from online content creators. Is this just an inevitable product of the digital media age? Thanks so much for the advice you're giving on this channel
Thank you so much for your vulnerable and raw question. I'm sorry for all you've had to pass through. Two great books I'd recommend "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People." As for cultivating healthy parasocial relationships, I don't know much about having a connection be one-sided and that being healthy. As for building two-sided connections, there's this :) ruclips.net/video/uoQQsMLK6jA/видео.html
Really appreciated this video. I don't think I really have a secure base, but I think I'm trying to form one with my partner, and if nothing else, I think I could turn to my aunt or a couple of specific books in my collection, or one of two friends. Do you think you could do a video regarding familial abuse/trauma? I notice a lot of videos involve partner-relationship trauma, and there's some about the effects of trauma in general, but I think there are people like me who could really benefit from learning how to move on from bad familial relationships.
I don't have a secure base in the form of people, I used to have that from my romantic partners but that made me dependent and prevented me leaving when the relationship was obviously doomed to fail, and left me heartbroken and with no ground beneath my feet afterwards. I think my secure base today is the acknowledgement that the world is terrible, because when life feels bad it's just expected and I feel at home, and when it randomly goes well I can have a pleasant surprise 😁
I never thought that anyone else will have a similar story about the secure base as I have. My secure base was also my hometown, at my parents house. But then, when my mother died 2 years ago, and father found a new girfriend, it just does not feel like the same home again. I love them both, she is really lovely, motherly lady. But I just can not go through the feeling, that it is not the same home like before and I just can not enjoy my stays there like before. So my secure base has moved much more to my closest friends. It is still there but they are in past months struggling with their own serious matters, so I dont want to be in the way as they need more time with themselves. But I can always reach them when I need, which is nice. But it sometimes feels really lonely.
I didn't have a secure base as a child, so I created one. I became a writer and illustrator. The characters and places I created in those stories and illustrations are where I go when I'm hurting the most.
I've been looking for so long for answer and here it is! Now I know what the idea of "home" is. I was trying to create "secure base" in many ways but it didn't work out.
I don't really have a secure base as "Person" but when I'm breaking down the only thing I turned to is paintings, so I kinda paint my pains out xD I know my mom loves me, but she's never quite there for me emotionally, like if I have problem with works, or anything logical related she's ready to listen, but when it comes to my emotion, mostly she'll use her signature word, "You must built a strong mind." xD My sister, and I kinda hate each other, and I'm in good terms with my Co-Workers, but at the same time knowing it won't be a lasting relationship, because the HR rotates all the time xD
What an exceptional video! Nothing beats a personal story, beautifully written. I really hope that I will be a secure base for my husband and children as long as I live and beyond.
My bed! It's the safest place in the world, unless it's not or not with me and then it's nature. I can go to any tree or bush or single flower in the cracks between the pavement and I'm safe. Animals, ofcourse. Musik, books and stories I adore, yes indeed the helpful channels XD and then there's two places online to just share my current issues with dear close "strangers" of which one is the association from a game that we've enjoyed and struggles with for some years now LOL. And yes, there's close friends plus a spiritual (as in non-religious) group. Particularly the later is THE place to go when I'm with something that I really can't seem to deal with on my own, because my sytem asks for some outside confirmation. We're capable to bring up solutions and cclarity for one another with almost no knowledge of the exact circumstances or even close knowledge of each other. People tend to find that very har to believe :'D But when people with good intuition train accessing it in service of others, then we reach and access what needs to be said or discovered or encouraged to release without much effort. It's lie magic. Just that it's not. Just that reading through intuition can access many channels of information that do exist beside the logic of thinking. For me, it has reaffirmed me in times when I e.g. wasn't sure if I'm listening to my inner warnings OR running away from a necessary challence (so far the first being the case mostly, but at times I can just get insecure about my perception when faced with a lot of outer pressure and I bet a lot of ppl can relate to that). For me, if I can have me-time in a safe surrounding and - in hard cases - a simple word from the mouth of a stranger not realising they're telling me just what I needed. That's it. I walk into the pain, I walk out, I throw on a patch of "things I've learned" and I'm good to go. Not ot say that it can't take time or can't take a bunch of repetitions over a time. I came to learn that it's a skill (including that which Jonathan termed "radical acceptance" once, in a pandepic related video) and not a normal thing people do. (°~°) I'm frequently fascinated over how different people cope, live and thrive. Lots of things I couldn't do, not in their ways :D Such an abundance to learn from!
My sister and my husband are like a double home base for me. I was raised by my father because my mother blatantly didn't want me, and although he loves me an earth-shaking amount, he was emotionally and physically unavailable much of the time due to EXTREME pain and the depression and self-hate that often goes with being physically incapable. So my sister did much of the work of raising me because she's the oldest and has always had that innate sense of responsibility. My husband is the second one because he's the one who was there patiently waiting and being a stable source of love until I was able to better cope with my fear and depression.
I can relate to your story so much. But in my case it was after my dad died and I had some health issues.Thank you for sharing your story and insights❤
my secure base is Jesus and I am so glad he is in my life now. as long as I have him (which is forever) there can come what may in this world. God is always with me and that is the most solid rock and foundation I could ever hope to build my life on. that being said I am also blessed with amazing friends and some family! that and to an extend my hometown (or more the nature of the area I live in!) and my favourite TV show and its fandom engagement and the bonding experience of it with a dear friend really helped me through the isolations of the pandemic. I thank God for gifting me all of these things, including himself!
A secure space? Well, I'm not allowed to move back into my parents (mom and step-dad) unless it's "their house or the streets" type of situation (This goes for my brother too, it's a house rule). I love my city but only because there's roots. With a person, no matter what I'm going through, I can count on my dad to be my secure space. He's been through major hardship and can relate to me more on my level of life experience. We get each other. I love my mom to bits and pieces but she will tell me she doesn't understand my habits or choices when we argue and I do my best to hold back the tears on the phone when I try to explain myself further. Again with my dad, it's a healthy conversation, he's there to listen and encourage and tells me it's okay, I can do it, or try again. He's in my corner. Don't get me wrong, my mom is in my corner too, just in a different way. She doesn't understand, she can add stress even though she's trying to help. I also have a bad case of fomo. So even though I'm consistently hanging out with my some of my best friends from 22 years ago, I'm still scared they'll ditch me. I'm scared my best friend, who I literally grew up with since birth, will ditch me. I think? this is because when I was with my ex 12 years ago, he cheated on me with a close friend, and for some reason, none of my friends in that circle at the time checked in with me to see how I was doing even though they knew the situation. That was it, I lost my love life, and I felt like I lost my social world and some of what I thought were core friendships all at once. It was eye opening. I've seen one friend from that circle since, and only because they were at a party I was attending as well. A couple years afterwards I reconnected with my older friends (the 22yr ones) and we're always together now. I feel like I'll be 60yrs old and playing D&D with them still, yet terrified to loose them. Like I'm not worth keeping even though they've helped me manage a lot of bumps in the road. Every relationship or date I've been in since, I've been the first one to break it off. I need that control instead of being blindsided again. I can never move away from my city, not unless everyone else picks up and moves with me hah. My family has been here for 3 generations and there's a lot of fomo with that right there with my nieces and nephews. Definitely attachment and trust issues. The therapist I used to see told me I'm trying to be a fortune teller, when in reality we can't predict the future. There's no one in my love life corner, but I hope that can change. I also suffer from BPD. Anyway, this video hit me in the gut and definitely drew out some tears. Thank you for being out here on youtube and sharing your light and advise
I like the analogy about boxing ring ｡◕‿◕｡ If you don't mind answering my question, is there any way to strengthen a connection through online or virtual? Thank you for the video!
Yes, absolutely. Those connections can be strong, healthy, and beautiful. Just be mindful that, with online connections, you only see what they want you to see.
@@MendedLight Not sure how. I recognize I'm at fault for not having close friendships anymore. Between being a depressed introvert and an obsessed ADHD individual, I don't often feel like putting energy into them. There are outside factors, but it is what it is. And I move a lot. My family has enough skeletons in the closet to be a Halloween store. I tried dating after divorce and thought I was in a good spot. But just 1 interaction triggered me and I realized I don't know how to trust, and to say starting over in your mid-30s sucks is an understatement lol. Slim-pickings!
What is stranght for you what means to be strong And is your partner with you couse your partner is weak- how to build up a strong relationship with somebody how stay couse he or she is weak? Do realy want a weak one couse she or he Was first? Maby real love is can be find after have learned what is not real love. Maby?
Me is my base, realy my inside opinion is you must be your base in your life. If you give the base away how to be free and independen? You must say when you hungry, when you wanna sleep when you want do these or that. But its quite right! A Familie give stranght if a strong woman Look for a strong Familie base.
We hope you liked this video! Leave a comment and let us know!
My partner is my secure base as well.
He was told to have a calming effect on traumatized women eversince because he stays calm no matter what. He is literally the block of ice inside the firestorm calming down everyone around him. It is so liberating to have somebody who "doesn't care" about you raging like a lunatic and still loves you.
Sounds like a total rock.
my secure base are the stories that I come up with, it's something I can always go back to, to feel good, to heal, to reflect and to let my emotions flow.
That's beautiful! What a fantastic outlet.
The question "where or who is your base" is very interesting...
I just now realized, it's some time now, I don't have A base...
I live with my boyfriend, but we are very different persons, and we don't want the same things in life... And I have now realized that he is not my base anymore, since a long time now...
I have different bases: I have a lot of friends, I have my mother (but who lives far from me), and especially I have my home, my room, my tv series, my youtube channels (it's true!)... And I have myself...
But, I would like very much to have a person who is also my base... I hope I'll find that person one day :)
Thank you so much for your insight and super interesting reflexions! ❤️
We hope this for you! But yes, being your own secure base is a great way to start.
Thanks for sharing this video. My marriage was also my home base for a long time. When it ended, I didn't go to a corner. I curled up in the middle of the ring and just kept taking my beating. I didn't want to be a burden to people, a bummer for my married friends, a source of worry for my family as I spiraled deeper and deeper into misery,. Eventually I began to fantasize about ending it, so I did finally reach out to a counselor. Counseling gave me the courage to really reconnect with my friends and family. I found once again just how many people were in my "corner" - and how much I needed them to reconnect to the world at large and remember why I wanted to live.
Thank you for this. It's so true. We often find it easier to help than to ask for help. The "not wanting to be a burden" is so universal. Oftentimes people want to be there for us if we'll just ask. I greatly appreciate your vulnerability. - Jonathan
@@MendedLight It's true - two of my best friends actually thanked me for letting them help me, as they'd felt worse standing helpless on the sidelines. I was so surprised, but of course I feel the same way. :)
For a lot of time in life I have had no secure base. My bed may have been the closest, until violence enterred my bedroom. Then my apartment became my secure base when I moved out, but it was only a resting place, it didn't help me in any way. Today I may have a friend who is helping the best she can, but she lives in another country but we talk almost daily. She accepts most things I say, and shut me down when I go far too overboard, calling myself some truly horrible things. Still, she met her first boyfriend not long ago, and I couldn't be happier for her, I feel so happy and I hope I was part of it, every day she could tell me about him giving her a compliment and telling her what I thought it meant. But now I am scared as hell that she will become too busy to be my safe base anymore, and that is scary.
You mention a favorite youtube channel as a possibility for a secure base. I have chronic emotional and physical fatigue and frequently visit youtube or indulge in shows or video games as a way to cope. I often worry that this habit is a sign of avoidance or an "addictive personality." That I'm not facing my mental health issues in a productive or positive way.
I've recently self-diagnosed as autistic and discovered a channel here that's a great resource: Aspergers from the Inside. In at least one video, the host Paul describes the phenomenon of autistic burnout, which helped me understand that perhaps my fatigue is a symptom of constant low-key stress, where I need to take more breaks from life than the average neurotypical person, and sometimes these breaks are long and isolating. I wonder if these so-called indulgences or "addictive behaviors" are my way of taking a break from the stress of living in a neurotypical world.
As always, my life is a long process of discovery and self-acceptance. I wanted to share my thoughts in the hope that someone will learn something, either about themselves or the world around them. Sometimes the person who learns something is me, and that's good enough.
Sharky snuggles from a fellow ASD person (the sharky is so soft & snuggly & a sensory pleasure), even if you don't like hugs. if you do you can have one from me
I loved reading this. Thank you.
This reminds me of a podcast I took part in last year where we talked about finding your flow in polyamory and how it involves building a stable base before inviting others in. I don't know how much comes from my religious upbringing or the myriad of resources I've approached or researched to write my books. My partner is a rock. I find myself gravitating towards him in my mind a lot watching this video. His family always makes me feel safe, validated and accepted. In fact I would say they're a perfect example of a normal healthy family dynamic.
I'm so lucky to have multiple layers of people: family members who accept me without question, a small group of friends who will not only support me but also have healthy boundaries (and respect me creating and practicing enforcing my own) so the relationships stay healthy in both directions, I have a great professional support team (therapist, psychiatrist, and medical doctors) so that I'm able to seek their input when my needs go beyond help from non-professionals (friends don't really have a scope of practice... lol... but still). It has taken a *long* time for me to trust those people with the broken parts and it's still really hard to show anything other than the "positive, friendly, responsible, steady, secure" persona that I have always presented. But slowly being honest, being vulnerable when I am with safe people, has been so different. I'm so lucky. It's still hard, especially because I can't physically be near any of them right now. But I'm grateful for the people in my life, even if there are days when I feel like I am unworthy of their unconditional love and support. That I'm not enough for them. That I'm too broken. But somehow, they keep being patient and repeat, again and again, "We know it is hard, and we're here when you're ready."
I have a feeling we may be of the same faith lol. These last few years have been rough for me, this has helped me realize that losing my 'secure base' has been contributing to that hardship. My mother was also my security but things have happened where trust got shattered a bit and I feel so up in the air. I feel like I'm still looking for that home base. Thank you for doing this channel, I'm very grateful to have found it, this and the cinema therapy channel have been amazingly helpful (the one with iron man and ptsd was very impactful for me as well) you guys rock :)
What faith is that? Faith rocks, lol. I'm sorry for the hardships and glad that what we're doing helps you.
This video was great! Thank you so much!
I can second your statement about not having a safe base being a challenge! While spending some time serving as a travelling minister, I had fellow ministers assigned to live and work with me. Because I was very far from home and had to abstain from communications outside my congregation's borders, my ministering companions were the only reliable social connection I had at the time, and were supposed to be my 'safe base'. Unfortunately, I had many companions that were abusive and unjust, which not only hurt on a personal level, but stripped away any semblance of safety from my life. After finishing my service period, I was able to find many 'safe bases' once I was able to live with my family again and receive some much-needed therapy and medication.
Having trust and penitence before a higher power has greatly helped me on my path towards becoming a mended light!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. May that higher power continue to bless you!
abstaining from other happy, healthy humans sounds very, very painful and unjust. I hope you recover ❤️
I have some BPD tendencies: hot and cold (intimate and close for 2 weeks to one month and then just unsure of how to continue so I fade slowly), rapid mood swings, and very black/white perfectionistic, idealistic thinking. The more I grow closer to people, the more I grow fearful for the emotional harm they can do me. I've been in therapy for 6 or so years. Thought I had depression, no it turns out it was anxiety. Then the anxiety wasn't just anxiety, it was tinged with some BPD traits. My current therapist is leaving in two months to support his wife in a career move. The sense of loss is strong right now and we've been working through it. My secure base was therapy until he told me he had to leave. My secure base is a bunch of friends on Discord I can shit around with, but sometimes they're busy with their own lives and I feel like I'm intruding. I don't know. I feel so lost right now. I feel so alone even though my friends have my back.
What do I even do?
This sounds so overwhelming. I'm sorry. Have you found someone new to work with?
@@MendedLight We're slowly working on finding someone new, but part of me just doesn't want him to leave? Though the more mature side of me understands why he's moving. He's supporting his wife's career decision. That's such a great thing, and I respect him for it. But also, it hurts because it brings the therapy relationship to a close.
I worked with him through my school's therapy center, so it's not like I'm losing that. He's even given me two potential people I can work with and he's even suggested I work in a DBT-focused group setting as an addition. It's a little scary, but I also don't want to disrespect the time and effort he and I put into the therapy by not giving it a try, y'know?
It just hurts though. It really hurts. He says I'm strong enough to pull through, but right now I'm going to have to just trust his judgment because I don't see it at the moment.
Thank you for responding.
I definitely have RUclips as a part of my secure base.
Yes!
I love my parents and I know they love me unconditionally, so you'd think they were my secure base, and they are to some extent, but I often struggle with telling them things because I don't want them to worry. One of my parents has had trauma-related depression for most of my childhood and it resulted in me partly picking up a parenting role, trying to look after her and protect her. So, I generally don't want to burden her, especially with regards to issues I picked up from her or her traumatised and abusive mother. My other parent was my secure base until I went on a year abroad as a teenager and things did not go too well. The whole situation worried her immensely and she has been constantly worrying about me since. So after that I ended up just putting on a brave face so both of them wouldn't worry.
I relied completely on relationships for my secure base, which backfired as one of them was extremly toxic, the person telling me I should just kill myself whenever people weren't around. Another study abroad trip gave me the physical distance needed to get out. Moved to that country for the rest of my education and it has become a physical secure base to some extent. Kept trying to have romantic relationships as my secure base and it kept resulting in me getting hurt.
Over the past 3 years or so, I have slowly started to heal myself. My (former) flatmate became one of my new secure bases and despite her now living at the other end of the country, she remains that. I have also managed to talk about things with my parents, not everything, but it's a start. And another friend, who is quite a bit older than me, has become like a surrogate aunt, somebody who's just a few minutes away if I need somebody. I still worry about other people worrying about me, still struggle with opening up to my parents, but I guess I have accepted that they will worry about me whether I tell them anything or not and I am slowly accepting that they are strong enough to handle it.
I think the main thing I have learned is that relying on only one secure base is not the best idea, because if that base crumbled, you may lose your footing completely
Thank you for writing in! Having relationships where you can open up to others and they have genuine concern for you is actually healthy and a beautiful thing! You may be stopping yourself from being closely connected, due to your worry that they will worry. But stop worrying! Start focusing on how to love them well and allow yourself to be loved by them, which includes them being concerned for you.
This is going to sound completely weird, but my secure base is a plushie sharky. A specific plushie sharky. I tried parents but they were too critical & refused to listen. I don't have a relationship, & I tried friends but there was just too much drama & it hurt. The sharky has a whole community built round them. I'm on both the Reddit & the Discord, & of the latter I've only found one which comes close to how caring & wholesome the sharky Discord is (hint: you're there). Seeing the pictures of plushie sharkies like my one in all kinds of situations & scenarios, & sharing my own, in both the Reddit & the Discord, gives me a sense of connection in a way I haven't felt in years. I feel snuggled when I'm on the Discord in particular, & it's amazing.
It is a very wholesome Discord, I agree. And plush animals are legit great healing tools.
Mine is a rabbit plushie I've had pretty much since birth (over 25 years ago). I hope I never wear it down; it already has some bald spots from being cuddled excessively o.O
Haven't had a good cry in a while, this really set me off though. I don't have any secure attachments and it's deeply lonely and I'm always scared for the future. My parents accept me back but home has never been healthy and I can't truly rely on them. Friends come and go, and actively seeking deeper connections has only brought toxicity into my life. I had a loving and supportive relationship for nearly 5 years but my issues with mental health and employment eventually put too much strain for it to continue. Every new friendship group or chance at a relationship is an opportunity I crave so much but don't know if *I'm* good enough for because I don't want to risk my damage making me an unhealthy friend or partner.
Do you have any advice for cultivating healthy parasocial relationships? Is there such a thing? I know to keep my emotional boundaries in check, even when I'm relying on the 'company' and 'connection' from online content creators. Is this just an inevitable product of the digital media age?
Thanks so much for the advice you're giving on this channel
Thank you so much for your vulnerable and raw question. I'm sorry for all you've had to pass through. Two great books I'd recommend "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People." As for cultivating healthy parasocial relationships, I don't know much about having a connection be one-sided and that being healthy. As for building two-sided connections, there's this :) ruclips.net/video/uoQQsMLK6jA/видео.html
Really appreciated this video. I don't think I really have a secure base, but I think I'm trying to form one with my partner, and if nothing else, I think I could turn to my aunt or a couple of specific books in my collection, or one of two friends.
Do you think you could do a video regarding familial abuse/trauma? I notice a lot of videos involve partner-relationship trauma, and there's some about the effects of trauma in general, but I think there are people like me who could really benefit from learning how to move on from bad familial relationships.
Some videos on that subject are coming, thank you for the suggestion :)
Thank you 💙
Starting to realise I have more human bases then I think I do. Mostly the rejuvenating bases have been my dogs, my poetry and reading.
Dogs, poetry, and reading sounds pretty awesome, actually.
I don't have a secure base in the form of people, I used to have that from my romantic partners but that made me dependent and prevented me leaving when the relationship was obviously doomed to fail, and left me heartbroken and with no ground beneath my feet afterwards. I think my secure base today is the acknowledgement that the world is terrible, because when life feels bad it's just expected and I feel at home, and when it randomly goes well I can have a pleasant surprise 😁
I never thought that anyone else will have a similar story about the secure base as I have. My secure base was also my hometown, at my parents house. But then, when my mother died 2 years ago, and father found a new girfriend, it just does not feel like the same home again. I love them both, she is really lovely, motherly lady. But I just can not go through the feeling, that it is not the same home like before and I just can not enjoy my stays there like before. So my secure base has moved much more to my closest friends. It is still there but they are in past months struggling with their own serious matters, so I dont want to be in the way as they need more time with themselves. But I can always reach them when I need, which is nice. But it sometimes feels really lonely.
I didn't have a secure base as a child, so I created one. I became a writer and illustrator. The characters and places I created in those stories and illustrations are where I go when I'm hurting the most.
I've been looking for so long for answer and here it is! Now I know what the idea of "home" is.
I was trying to create "secure base" in many ways but it didn't work out.
We're so glad this helped!
I don't really have a secure base as "Person" but when I'm breaking down the only thing I turned to is paintings, so I kinda paint my pains out xD I know my mom loves me, but she's never quite there for me emotionally, like if I have problem with works, or anything logical related she's ready to listen, but when it comes to my emotion, mostly she'll use her signature word, "You must built a strong mind." xD My sister, and I kinda hate each other, and I'm in good terms with my Co-Workers, but at the same time knowing it won't be a lasting relationship, because the HR rotates all the time xD
Your paintings are an expression of yourself. It sounds like you are your secure base :)
Mine is both parts of my family. I suspect my daughters is us and her phone. It makes a lot more sense to me now why its so important to her.
Great insight.
What an exceptional video! Nothing beats a personal story, beautifully written.
I really hope that I will be a secure base for my husband and children as long as I live and beyond.
Thank you! I'm sure you will be Kellie
My bed! It's the safest place in the world, unless it's not or not with me and then it's nature. I can go to any tree or bush or single flower in the cracks between the pavement and I'm safe. Animals, ofcourse. Musik, books and stories I adore, yes indeed the helpful channels XD and then there's two places online to just share my current issues with dear close "strangers" of which one is the association from a game that we've enjoyed and struggles with for some years now LOL. And yes, there's close friends plus a spiritual (as in non-religious) group.
Particularly the later is THE place to go when I'm with something that I really can't seem to deal with on my own, because my sytem asks for some outside confirmation. We're capable to bring up solutions and cclarity for one another with almost no knowledge of the exact circumstances or even close knowledge of each other. People tend to find that very har to believe :'D But when people with good intuition train accessing it in service of others, then we reach and access what needs to be said or discovered or encouraged to release without much effort. It's lie magic. Just that it's not. Just that reading through intuition can access many channels of information that do exist beside the logic of thinking. For me, it has reaffirmed me in times when I e.g. wasn't sure if I'm listening to my inner warnings OR running away from a necessary challence (so far the first being the case mostly, but at times I can just get insecure about my perception when faced with a lot of outer pressure and I bet a lot of ppl can relate to that).
For me, if I can have me-time in a safe surrounding and - in hard cases - a simple word from the mouth of a stranger not realising they're telling me just what I needed. That's it. I walk into the pain, I walk out, I throw on a patch of "things I've learned" and I'm good to go. Not ot say that it can't take time or can't take a bunch of repetitions over a time.
I came to learn that it's a skill (including that which Jonathan termed "radical acceptance" once, in a pandepic related video) and not a normal thing people do. (°~°)
I'm frequently fascinated over how different people cope, live and thrive. Lots of things I couldn't do, not in their ways :D Such an abundance to learn from!
Sounds like you've got some great systems and coping strategies in place!
My sister and my husband are like a double home base for me. I was raised by my father because my mother blatantly didn't want me, and although he loves me an earth-shaking amount, he was emotionally and physically unavailable much of the time due to EXTREME pain and the depression and self-hate that often goes with being physically incapable. So my sister did much of the work of raising me because she's the oldest and has always had that innate sense of responsibility.
My husband is the second one because he's the one who was there patiently waiting and being a stable source of love until I was able to better cope with my fear and depression.
I can relate to your story so much. But in my case it was after my dad died and I had some health issues.Thank you for sharing your story and insights❤
books are definitely mine but i hadn’t been able to recognize that before so this video was very helpful in validating that thanks
Could you talk more about how to expand or create a secure base? What that looks like?
my secure base is Jesus and I am so glad he is in my life now. as long as I have him (which is forever) there can come what may in this world. God is always with me and that is the most solid rock and foundation I could ever hope to build my life on. that being said I am also blessed with amazing friends and some family! that and to an extend my hometown (or more the nature of the area I live in!) and my favourite TV show and its fandom engagement and the bonding experience of it with a dear friend really helped me through the isolations of the pandemic. I thank God for gifting me all of these things, including himself!
Can you please make these feel a little less scripted. It's so much more powerful when I hear you speaking from your heart in cinema therapy.
Great feedback. We're working on that very thing :)
A secure space? Well, I'm not allowed to move back into my parents (mom and step-dad) unless it's "their house or the streets" type of situation (This goes for my brother too, it's a house rule). I love my city but only because there's roots.
With a person, no matter what I'm going through, I can count on my dad to be my secure space. He's been through major hardship and can relate to me more on my level of life experience. We get each other. I love my mom to bits and pieces but she will tell me she doesn't understand my habits or choices when we argue and I do my best to hold back the tears on the phone when I try to explain myself further. Again with my dad, it's a healthy conversation, he's there to listen and encourage and tells me it's okay, I can do it, or try again. He's in my corner. Don't get me wrong, my mom is in my corner too, just in a different way. She doesn't understand, she can add stress even though she's trying to help.
I also have a bad case of fomo. So even though I'm consistently hanging out with my some of my best friends from 22 years ago, I'm still scared they'll ditch me. I'm scared my best friend, who I literally grew up with since birth, will ditch me. I think? this is because when I was with my ex 12 years ago, he cheated on me with a close friend, and for some reason, none of my friends in that circle at the time checked in with me to see how I was doing even though they knew the situation. That was it, I lost my love life, and I felt like I lost my social world and some of what I thought were core friendships all at once. It was eye opening. I've seen one friend from that circle since, and only because they were at a party I was attending as well. A couple years afterwards I reconnected with my older friends (the 22yr ones) and we're always together now. I feel like I'll be 60yrs old and playing D&D with them still, yet terrified to loose them. Like I'm not worth keeping even though they've helped me manage a lot of bumps in the road.
Every relationship or date I've been in since, I've been the first one to break it off. I need that control instead of being blindsided again.
I can never move away from my city, not unless everyone else picks up and moves with me hah. My family has been here for 3 generations and there's a lot of fomo with that right there with my nieces and nephews.
Definitely attachment and trust issues. The therapist I used to see told me I'm trying to be a fortune teller, when in reality we can't predict the future. There's no one in my love life corner, but I hope that can change. I also suffer from BPD.
Anyway, this video hit me in the gut and definitely drew out some tears. Thank you for being out here on youtube and sharing your light and advise
Thank you for this. Just... thank you!
Thanks for the video! I really like this channel a lot :)
Happy to hear that!
I like the analogy about boxing ring
｡◕‿◕｡ If you don't mind answering my question, is there any way to strengthen a connection through online or virtual? Thank you for the video!
Yes, absolutely. Those connections can be strong, healthy, and beautiful. Just be mindful that, with online connections, you only see what they want you to see.
not having a healthy family to go "home to" definitely explains a lot of my struggles to recover from normal loss
The secure attachment test also works for pets.
Awesome!
please make a video on building a base
Hmm... Maybe that's my problem. Don't have one.
Oh no! Let's get started. Can we help you?
@@MendedLight Not sure how. I recognize I'm at fault for not having close friendships anymore. Between being a depressed introvert and an obsessed ADHD individual, I don't often feel like putting energy into them. There are outside factors, but it is what it is. And I move a lot. My family has enough skeletons in the closet to be a Halloween store. I tried dating after divorce and thought I was in a good spot. But just 1 interaction triggered me and I realized I don't know how to trust, and to say starting over in your mid-30s sucks is an understatement lol. Slim-pickings!
What is stranght for you what means to be strong
And is your partner with you couse your partner is weak- how to build up a strong relationship with somebody how stay couse he or she is weak?
Do realy want a weak one couse she or he Was first?
Maby real love is can be find after have learned what is not real love.
Maby?
Me is my base, realy my inside opinion is you must be your base in your life.
If you give the base away how to be free and independen?
You must say when you hungry, when you wanna sleep when you want do these or that.
But its quite right! A Familie give stranght if a strong woman Look for a strong Familie base.
i dont have a secure base and i never have. i'm 42
My secure base is myself :( and she's mean to me
My base was my wife. Now we’re divorced. Don’t know what I’ve got any more.