Unfortunately this continues to be an ongoing battle, and the decrease in frequency of SI is no longer true. But, now that i know that it is possible it is a matter of continuing to refine treatment and explore new therapies.
if only our workplace respected mental health at all they don’t like we were already asking our doctor for MAID… he told us that’s a lot of resentment to direct at ourselves he’s Jewish so we know he gets it’s #indigenous and #2Spirit here then for them just to decline our harassment case cause they tore up the physical copies of our medical documents our doctor has offered the electronic copies and they ignore that and uphold that with no consideration of our mental health when we’re gay, nonbinary, indigenous… no just excuse yourselves cause you can since you work for the Crown in #Ottawa #Canada could not fathom having to endure a 6 year h word cause we joined the Public Service but marginalized white women are all wendigo from the backlog of grieving and everyone at work was a Quebecers it’s their culture to extinguish us pagans too and they all feel the same so they’re blind to it Cheers #toronto #autism #audhd #adhd
Yessssss! If we have feelings, there's no getting around it. It's a wall in front of you until you're not feeling them anymore. Unless you get good at disassociating. Then you waste your life spent in almost constant disassociation or waiting til the next time you can disassociate.
Oh my gosh!! I stopped it at 4:02 to write this- You are describing what goes through my mind constantly! CONSTANTLY!! When I was younger I believed if I was the most handsome person in the world, then I would be enough. 😢 Thank you for sharing this!!!
I relate so much to the description by Tiffany of the self hatred. I grew up hating my life and wishing I'd never been born, and when the emotional distress got super high, I would literally rock back and forth thinking and speaking "I hate my life, I wish I had died." That throbbing nerve was ever=present and every time I noticed it, I would turn to a maladaptive coping mechanism. It ruled my life, truly. Am seeing now as I'm healing, that I put a lot of energy into making myself feel bad, into actually torturing myself emotionally and endlessly. It would hurt so much, and I had so much grief to let out but it would trigger dissociation. Gets hard to accomplish much with that cycle of completely invisible self harm. Same thing with hypersexual episodes, that also takes heaps of energy and focus to maintain. I'm relieved to hear Tiffany share the self hatred episodes can decrease and even go away.
I feel really sorry for Tiffany but on the other hand with every word she said about how she felt in interactions and the it's my fault part I was like yeah sounds just like me... And it does kind of make me feel less isolated knowing that there are other people out there like me (I have BPD and chronic depression)... I know this might sound very selfish but it is kind off comforting to hear you speak and know hey I'm not alone/the only one who thinks and feels like this!!! All the best to Tiffany and all you girls and guys out there!!!!! Thanks!!!! ❤
Very enlightening .... we're dealing with a loved one who is going through a lot of this - dwelling on past "trespasses" on others along with body image issues - hiding it under substance abuse and alcohol which only serve to create more "trespasses". In between, there's bursts of rage and we're afraid this person might wind up in the penal system if they keep going down the same path. It's good to see one can learn to deal with it - even if there are bad days, you always know there's a new day coming without those feelings controlling your life.
What Tiffany said, sounded exactly what I went through. I talked about my paranoid thoughts with a "close friend" who I thought was "close" , she wasn't close after I realised afterwards about what she said about me. She told me that she doesn't wanna be "close friends" anymore. I told her I didn't understand and ok couldn't fathom what she was telling me. Then she completely ignored my messages as I could see she had read them. I got a sudden wave of panic and it took my mind a long time to process this because this when I wasn't aware of my BPD. Now I look back and split on myself and think "I am either black or why?* I can't be a balanced person. Its really excruciating
Like hearing someone talk about myself. The part about feeling like an angry troll that no one knows about which makes you feel unknown, isolated, and alone. Fuck yes!!! BPD: total isolation. I only feel seen by my friend who had BPD.
Tiffany, thank you so much for the courage to share this as well. I deal with SI on a daily basis as part of my BPD, some days worse, other days better and at this point, spend less time trying to fight the thoughts and just blend with them if that makes sense, sort of just a form of acceptance. I just feel like, at least for me, I have been in this never ending battle for so long, I am never going to win. So, co-exist as best as I can. My heart is with you and all of us with this damn curse.
Thank you for your perspective Tiffany. I can relate to a lot of what you have articulated regarding the patterns of thoughts and SI when it comes to BPD. I hope you take some solace in the fact that in this video you are not just the voice of one, but for the experiences of many. Your bravery and openness will go a long way in helping others confront the challenges they face.
This is probably the first time im listening to someone talk about bpd and totally feel seen and heard without saying anything... I just dont see a way out... Like an actual solution for bpd. Im seeing a therapist, for a long time now and i dont feel or see any change. Most therapists dont get bpd, i feel. They see it as some personal flaw.
There are underlying biological factors, which is why heritability is known to exist wrt the condition. At some point an acceptance of one’s neurocircuitry being different is the “best” one can get. Think of Tourette’s or motor neuron disease. Both are known to involve disruptions in dopaminergic signaling among certain areas of the brain, among other things (especially in the case of Tourette’s). Similarly, in issues like autism, adhd, and personality disorders, there are numerous morphological differences compared to neurotypicals. When therapy as a whole begins to widely accept that there are underlying organic differences in patients that come to them for help, we as a society will make a lot more progress. Same goes for the prophylactic prevention of suffering: addressing neurodiversity in those from a younger age that come from families where disorders are more heritable will do loads to lessen difficulties later on.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile too. I have BPD. I’ve been through so many therapists who were terrible and didn’t have any idea how to handle BPD and also treated me like I had a personal flaw and wasn’t trying. I’m not sure my BPD is any more manageable with this therapist but at least she’s a support person and validating, which maybe is as good as it gets. Losing her at the end of the month. I feel seen by this video too. I mask all day long but there’s a monster raging inside me and it’s so hard and I’m so tired. Hang in there. It has helped me to have a thoughtful friend with BPD. I’m looking into doing peer support training.
I hate being alive and I try everyday to not do something stupid. I have no meds or help because I don’t have insurance so yea. I’ll keep going until I reach my breaking point
For me its not so much that I want to die or that I idealize dying. It's that I don't want to feel. I don't want to be the reason other people hurt. I don't want to exist. Thanos snap style, just cease. I feel like that's different. There's not usually details or a plan. Sometimes I mentally write letters and apologies. Sometimes I feel like the act itself would BE an apology. But there isn't any momentum behind it. I've tried once and can feel the difference between going to and wanting to. But that doesn't make it feel any less maddening that there is a constant yammering in my head (at times) that the absence of me would make the world better. Changing my self talk, shrinking the internal critic, learning how to connect with my emotions, it all helps but it mutes it at best. Fucking exhuasting.
Thanks you so much for this video. It has really helped me to get an idea of what someone important in my life may be experiencing. I really wish I knew how to help this person but I feel so powerless to help alleviate their pain.
Thankyou for this. I need to show this to people and maybe the doctor as i dont have BPD (I suspect it do) but littereally everything Tiffany was saying was exactly how i feel and i dont know how to explain it. Nearly 2 weeks ago i had to have a meeting with my boss and it set me into an emotional flashback due to her being a certain way and i am still thinking about it now. So when you were talking about compartmentalising it really made sense.
I've already watched this and ye second video with Tiffany but needed to listen again. I've been putting it off. I recognise myself so much in what Tiffany says here. My mental health problems started when I was very young. Bullying started at primary school when I was 5. The years of bullying meant I was suicidal by 10/11. I don't know if I knew it was called suicidal at that time but I became fascinated by the description of the word from the dictionary a few years later I was always a big/ overweight kid so it's difficult to really pinpoint when food became a real problem. I weighed 10 stones when I was 10 years old. My suicidal ideation has gone hand in hand with the chaotic eating, with brief flirtations with self harm and alcohol. DBT helped for a while but with my dad dying, my mum being very ill, having dementia, MS and being virtually blind. I also ended a 3 year relationship where my ex claimed she was in recovery from alcoholism but wasn't for 3 years I became very unwell just over a year ago. I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" but the experience has taken something from me. I've also put on about 4 stones in a year. Unfortunately I seem a lot more accepting that this is my life and there's no point trying any more!
Just recently learning that I have BPD and having no idea why I acted the way I did until now was a small relief followed by an overwhelming dread. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since I was 10 and always struggled with debilitating self loathing. I thought I’d never make it.
Self hatred, self loathing.. what a constant in my life. I am HORRIBLY mean to myself in my head all day everyday, andnill rvem be internally screaming at myself to shut the hell up and i just cant get it to stop. Its gotten realy bad since i found my older sister on the floor after suffering a major stroke. I blame myself so much for how mucb she struggles now, if i would have just checked on her sooner she'd be not as bad off, my head constantly tells me that.. and I dont really know how to stop these thoughts.
Over the years I somehow developed the coping skill of always giving others the benefit of the doubt and playing the devil's advocate against myself, whether I was in the wrong or not. Even if on the outside I would act like a cool cucumber and cut people loose and move on, all the while, on the inside, I was blasting myself with ruthless shame, self-doubt, and belittling. Suicidal ideation is the last resort, the desperate Mirage that you can actually get to a peaceful place where these endless ruminating voices simply can't get to you.
I hard relate to having a lot of anger in me. I think the people around me would be horrified to know the full extent, but of course, I don’t show it. I started suicidal ideation when I was 12 and it’s been off and on since then. Honestly 3-4 times a week isn’t bad at all. When I’m in a phase I’ll think about it all throughout the day, every day.
The crazy thing is at 25 I started having those thoughts I'm 27 now, but it has become so normal that I forget its even taboo or that I at once point didn't think of it daily. It also is strange that the majority of people can suffer so much especially with the fentanyl epidemic and even at their lowest point they still want to continue living I have forgotten what we fight so desperately for if that makes sense. I fortunately have a great life on paper love my job, good health, good social groups yet, I just find things to be agonizingly slow and mundane and life has basically lost its charm. I can distract myself with some fun days, but it feels like my brain is restless even when I've tired my body out and this realm seems like purgatory. For me it isn't as much as a self hatred, it is like feeling I am in a waiting room where nothing changes and I am stuck there in limbo indefinitely.
Thank you my man! That is right! Limbo and waiting and nothing hapening! Thats how I feel! Bravo for the right Words. I have Bpd and 48 Years all. Nothing ever change
@@GTFBITK i don't know what was worse my ignorance of BPD, or being so aware now of everything and the weight that comes with that... all i know is ive been confused my whole life about everything and its brutal, i don't see this reality as anything special in fact for me it's just one tragedy after another, nothing is real not god, not karma nothing... so why suffer for nothing? people suffer for many things which give them purpose, but how can you know what you want if you don't even know who you are? i'm tired of suffering for no reason.
@@GTFBITK i used to say "i wish i was never born" to my parents from a young age,my mother was a Narcissist and shes dead now..i never cried for her! You are so much more than what your parents produced and i promise it got easier for me after 40.I dont work rn but ill never be homeless and i recently got a dog who i love more than any living person..i love you bro.
Talk therapy is utterly useless Mostly because most ppl cant relate, question our position and want to talk about themselves too much. Thats NOT helping anyone It just makes them more suicidal 😮
overwhelming emotions sense of inner badness (the troll, who is the real me) isolation = nobody truly understands & sees me I wonder, in addition to your brain being wired in a certain way: Don't you *enjoy* to be overwhelmed by emotions because it gives juicy feelings? Don't you *enjoy* to be a beast inside? Don't you *enjoy* to feel isolated, because you want others to leave you be alone because they suck? And also you can feel special in this aloneness? I'm trying to understand. There are big benefits of anti-social behavior. Everybody can relate to this. In BPD it's just very strong but in a way totally legitimate!
dunno about her but: 1. yeah, it makes it more clear that something is true when it's overwhelming so it's harder to loop into a constant stream of self doubt where I don't know what is the real me vs. the societal mask I'm trying to live up to. For example, me getting very clearly emotional anytime my dead cat is brought up has me convinced she meant a lot to me in a way that I can't deny or argue myself out of. 2. no, it wants to kill me 3. kinda, any instance of isolation is a risk of severe disappointment and even worse feelings of isolation if it 'fails'. (potentially) anti-social behavior isn't sought after or enjoyed, it just seems to turn out that way sometimes even when I had no idea it was happening and even thought I was doing 'good' (not good as in good enough but at least not bad). Even that is hard to say since I've heard some people that called me manipulative admit they projected a lot of their own problems and biases regarding BPD (and that's after me losing my mind trying to figure out how I wasn't only a disappointment but a straight up villain) so now I don't even know what to think.
❤️🌻 i am truly so thankful how much this channel creates a community that can perpetuate kindness and understanding. I appreciate you taking the time to watch/listen. Thank you for real ❤️❤️
Unfortunately this continues to be an ongoing battle, and the decrease in frequency of SI is no longer true. But, now that i know that it is possible it is a matter of continuing to refine treatment and explore new therapies.
Thank you Tiffany for sharing this, and for doing this vid. -P
Thank you for sharing your experiences Tiffany, I feel less alone x
if only our workplace respected mental health at all
they don’t
like we were already asking our doctor for MAID… he told us that’s a lot of resentment to direct at ourselves
he’s Jewish so we know he gets it’s
#indigenous and #2Spirit here
then for them just to decline our harassment case cause they tore up the physical copies of our medical documents
our doctor has offered the electronic copies and they ignore that
and uphold that with no consideration of our mental health
when we’re gay, nonbinary, indigenous…
no just excuse yourselves cause you can since you work for the Crown in #Ottawa #Canada
could not fathom having to endure a 6 year h word cause we joined the Public Service but marginalized white women are all wendigo from the backlog of grieving and everyone at work was a Quebecers
it’s their culture to extinguish us pagans too
and they all feel the same so they’re blind to it
Cheers
#toronto #autism #audhd #adhd
I get it too. Wishing you well. 🫶
I wish you the best!
I am Tiffany.. Word by word.. Made my cry. I really am not alone.. There's others like me..
And like me too
Ya just diagnosed, happy to know this too :)
"I could not fathom the capacity to compartmentalize thoughts and emotions to where it wouldn't following me everywhere I went"...nailed it
I related so much to this x
@@Infowarrior08 it was a perfect articulation of the experience and validating.
💥💯🔥
Yessssss! If we have feelings, there's no getting around it. It's a wall in front of you until you're not feeling them anymore. Unless you get good at disassociating. Then you waste your life spent in almost constant disassociation or waiting til the next time you can disassociate.
Oh my gosh!! I stopped it at 4:02 to write this- You are describing what goes through my mind constantly! CONSTANTLY!! When I was younger I believed if I was the most handsome person in the world, then I would be enough. 😢
Thank you for sharing this!!!
I relate so much to the description by Tiffany of the self hatred. I grew up hating my life and wishing I'd never been born, and when the emotional distress got super high, I would literally rock back and forth thinking and speaking "I hate my life, I wish I had died." That throbbing nerve was ever=present and every time I noticed it, I would turn to a maladaptive coping mechanism. It ruled my life, truly. Am seeing now as I'm healing, that I put a lot of energy into making myself feel bad, into actually torturing myself emotionally and endlessly. It would hurt so much, and I had so much grief to let out but it would trigger dissociation. Gets hard to accomplish much with that cycle of completely invisible self harm. Same thing with hypersexual episodes, that also takes heaps of energy and focus to maintain. I'm relieved to hear Tiffany share the self hatred episodes can decrease and even go away.
I feel really sorry for Tiffany but on the other hand with every word she said about how she felt in interactions and the it's my fault part I was like yeah sounds just like me... And it does kind of make me feel less isolated knowing that there are other people out there like me (I have BPD and chronic depression)... I know this might sound very selfish but it is kind off comforting to hear you speak and know hey I'm not alone/the only one who thinks and feels like this!!! All the best to Tiffany and all you girls and guys out there!!!!! Thanks!!!! ❤
Tiffany, it doesn’t sound stupid at all. It’s very relatable and thank you for sharing.
Very enlightening .... we're dealing with a loved one who is going through a lot of this - dwelling on past "trespasses" on others along with body image issues - hiding it under substance abuse and alcohol which only serve to create more "trespasses". In between, there's bursts of rage and we're afraid this person might wind up in the penal system if they keep going down the same path. It's good to see one can learn to deal with it - even if there are bad days, you always know there's a new day coming without those feelings controlling your life.
What Tiffany said, sounded exactly what I went through. I talked about my paranoid thoughts with a "close friend" who I thought was "close" , she wasn't close after I realised afterwards about what she said about me. She told me that she doesn't wanna be "close friends" anymore. I told her I didn't understand and ok couldn't fathom what she was telling me. Then she completely ignored my messages as I could see she had read them. I got a sudden wave of panic and it took my mind a long time to process this because this when I wasn't aware of my BPD. Now I look back and split on myself and think "I am either black or why?* I can't be a balanced person. Its really excruciating
Like hearing someone talk about myself. The part about feeling like an angry troll that no one knows about which makes you feel unknown, isolated, and alone. Fuck yes!!! BPD: total isolation. I only feel seen by my friend who had BPD.
Yessss 😢
We don’t hate ourselves we hate living with this illness.
Tiffany, thank you so much for the courage to share this as well. I deal with SI on a daily basis as part of my BPD, some days worse, other days better and at this point, spend less time trying to fight the thoughts and just blend with them if that makes sense, sort of just a form of acceptance. I just feel like, at least for me, I have been in this never ending battle for so long, I am never going to win. So, co-exist as best as I can. My heart is with you and all of us with this damn curse.
Yes , me too
For me, this video could not have been more timely. Having a particularly bad episode this week. Thank you❤
Same. Hugs ❤
Thank you for your perspective Tiffany. I can relate to a lot of what you have articulated regarding the patterns of thoughts and SI when it comes to BPD. I hope you take some solace in the fact that in this video you are not just the voice of one, but for the experiences of many. Your bravery and openness will go a long way in helping others confront the challenges they face.
This is probably the first time im listening to someone talk about bpd and totally feel seen and heard without saying anything... I just dont see a way out... Like an actual solution for bpd. Im seeing a therapist, for a long time now and i dont feel or see any change. Most therapists dont get bpd, i feel. They see it as some personal flaw.
There are underlying biological factors, which is why heritability is known to exist wrt the condition. At some point an acceptance of one’s neurocircuitry being different is the “best” one can get.
Think of Tourette’s or motor neuron disease. Both are known to involve disruptions in dopaminergic signaling among certain areas of the brain, among other things (especially in the case of Tourette’s). Similarly, in issues like autism, adhd, and personality disorders, there are numerous morphological differences compared to neurotypicals.
When therapy as a whole begins to widely accept that there are underlying organic differences in patients that come to them for help, we as a society will make a lot more progress. Same goes for the prophylactic prevention of suffering: addressing neurodiversity in those from a younger age that come from families where disorders are more heritable will do loads to lessen difficulties later on.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile too. I have BPD. I’ve been through so many therapists who were terrible and didn’t have any idea how to handle BPD and also treated me like I had a personal flaw and wasn’t trying. I’m not sure my BPD is any more manageable with this therapist but at least she’s a support person and validating, which maybe is as good as it gets. Losing her at the end of the month. I feel seen by this video too. I mask all day long but there’s a monster raging inside me and it’s so hard and I’m so tired. Hang in there. It has helped me to have a thoughtful friend with BPD. I’m looking into doing peer support training.
@@tessamellas6869 Big hug... Its a little comforting knowing im not alone in my experience but i also hate other people also go trough it.
I love how articulate you are Tiffany! I relate to a lot of what you say. Thanks for sharing!!!
I hate being alive and I try everyday to not do something stupid. I have no meds or help because I don’t have insurance so yea. I’ll keep going until I reach my breaking point
Thankyou, you have no idea how much your interviews and this channel helps someone xxxx
For me its not so much that I want to die or that I idealize dying. It's that I don't want to feel. I don't want to be the reason other people hurt. I don't want to exist. Thanos snap style, just cease. I feel like that's different. There's not usually details or a plan. Sometimes I mentally write letters and apologies. Sometimes I feel like the act itself would BE an apology. But there isn't any momentum behind it. I've tried once and can feel the difference between going to and wanting to. But that doesn't make it feel any less maddening that there is a constant yammering in my head (at times) that the absence of me would make the world better. Changing my self talk, shrinking the internal critic, learning how to connect with my emotions, it all helps but it mutes it at best. Fucking exhuasting.
Lost another job this week,the struggle is real.
Appreciate you here. -P
Thanks you so much for this video. It has really helped me to get an idea of what someone important in my life may be experiencing. I really wish I knew how to help this person but I feel so powerless to help alleviate their pain.
Try prayer🙏
I think of suicide almost everyday but instead of hatred for myself, my hatred is to everyone that had wronged me
Thankyou for this. I need to show this to people and maybe the doctor as i dont have BPD (I suspect it do) but littereally everything Tiffany was saying was exactly how i feel and i dont know how to explain it. Nearly 2 weeks ago i had to have a meeting with my boss and it set me into an emotional flashback due to her being a certain way and i am still thinking about it now. So when you were talking about compartmentalising it really made sense.
I've already watched this and ye second video with Tiffany but needed to listen again.
I've been putting it off.
I recognise myself so much in what Tiffany says here.
My mental health problems started when I was very young.
Bullying started at primary school when I was 5.
The years of bullying meant I was suicidal by 10/11.
I don't know if I knew it was called suicidal at that time but I became fascinated by the description of the word from the dictionary a few years later
I was always a big/ overweight kid so it's difficult to really pinpoint when food became a real problem.
I weighed 10 stones when I was 10 years old.
My suicidal ideation has gone hand in hand with the chaotic eating, with brief flirtations with self harm and alcohol.
DBT helped for a while but with my dad dying, my mum being very ill, having dementia, MS and being virtually blind. I also ended a 3 year relationship where my ex claimed she was in recovery from alcoholism but wasn't for 3 years I became very unwell just over a year ago.
I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" but the experience has taken something from me.
I've also put on about 4 stones in a year.
Unfortunately I seem a lot more accepting that this is my life and there's no point trying any more!
Thank you for this. -P
Just recently learning that I have BPD and having no idea why I acted the way I did until now was a small relief followed by an overwhelming dread. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since I was 10 and always struggled with debilitating self loathing. I thought I’d never make it.
Self hatred, self loathing.. what a constant in my life. I am HORRIBLY mean to myself in my head all day everyday, andnill rvem be internally screaming at myself to shut the hell up and i just cant get it to stop. Its gotten realy bad since i found my older sister on the floor after suffering a major stroke. I blame myself so much for how mucb she struggles now, if i would have just checked on her sooner she'd be not as bad off, my head constantly tells me that.. and I dont really know how to stop these thoughts.
Over the years I somehow developed the coping skill of always giving others the benefit of the doubt and playing the devil's advocate against myself, whether I was in the wrong or not. Even if on the outside I would act like a cool cucumber and cut people loose and move on, all the while, on the inside, I was blasting myself with ruthless shame, self-doubt, and belittling. Suicidal ideation is the last resort, the desperate Mirage that you can actually get to a peaceful place where these endless ruminating voices simply can't get to you.
Great service. Very helpful. Thanks
Very insightful, experiencing this now. For a while, hope it passes soon..
Maybe you qualify for medicaid.
I hard relate to having a lot of anger in me. I think the people around me would be horrified to know the full extent, but of course, I don’t show it.
I started suicidal ideation when I was 12 and it’s been off and on since then. Honestly 3-4 times a week isn’t bad at all. When I’m in a phase I’ll think about it all throughout the day, every day.
thank you for sharing ... its good not to feel alone in this
Such a wonderful interview, thank you. Very insightful and poignant, excellent 👍💛
7:54- The angry troll got me.
Thanks Tiffany😢
The crazy thing is at 25 I started having those thoughts I'm 27 now, but it has become so normal that I forget its even taboo or that I at once point didn't think of it daily. It also is strange that the majority of people can suffer so much especially with the fentanyl epidemic and even at their lowest point they still want to continue living I have forgotten what we fight so desperately for if that makes sense. I fortunately have a great life on paper love my job, good health, good social groups yet, I just find things to be agonizingly slow and mundane and life has basically lost its charm. I can distract myself with some fun days, but it feels like my brain is restless even when I've tired my body out and this realm seems like purgatory. For me it isn't as much as a self hatred, it is like feeling I am in a waiting room where nothing changes and I am stuck there in limbo indefinitely.
Thank you my man! That is right! Limbo and waiting and nothing hapening! Thats how I feel! Bravo for the right Words. I have Bpd and 48 Years all. Nothing ever change
WOW I RELATE 😞 I NEED HELP. I need to get a new doctor they don't accept my insurance anymore.
Tiffany said exactly The Thing.
One of the issues I faced with mental health care professionals was lack of official diagnosis. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything.
I held it together until the clock
ur got me on a lvl no one does wtf
I don't know what to do 😢
Thanks for being here with us. Wishing you well. -P
i think of suicide daily, im 43 been thinking of suicide my whole life, BPD has ruined me completely
🖤💔
Same ❤,,im 42
Same. 39. I self sabotaged to the point that I feel like cutting my loses. I give serious thought of not hitting 40. I wish I never existed.
@@GTFBITK i don't know what was worse my ignorance of BPD, or being so aware now of everything and the weight that comes with that... all i know is ive been confused my whole life about everything and its brutal, i don't see this reality as anything special in fact for me it's just one tragedy after another, nothing is real not god, not karma nothing... so why suffer for nothing? people suffer for many things which give them purpose, but how can you know what you want if you don't even know who you are? i'm tired of suffering for no reason.
@@GTFBITK i used to say "i wish i was never born" to my parents from a young age,my mother was a Narcissist and shes dead now..i never cried for her! You are so much more than what your parents produced and i promise it got easier for me after 40.I dont work rn but ill never be homeless and i recently got a dog who i love more than any living person..i love you bro.
i relate so damn much.
BPD is exhausting
nailed it
holy fuk itts me
>.>
Me too
💯
2:06 2:06
3:10
Talk therapy is utterly useless
Mostly because most ppl cant relate, question our position and want to talk about themselves too much.
Thats NOT helping anyone
It just makes them more suicidal 😮
1:52
Who is the crazy lady in the glasses? God I hope she's not a therapist!
Lol 3 times a week.... come on thats a joke
overwhelming emotions
sense of inner badness (the troll, who is the real me)
isolation = nobody truly understands & sees me
I wonder, in addition to your brain being wired in a certain way:
Don't you *enjoy* to be overwhelmed by emotions because it gives juicy feelings?
Don't you *enjoy* to be a beast inside?
Don't you *enjoy* to feel isolated, because you want others to leave you be alone because they suck? And also you can feel special in this aloneness?
I'm trying to understand.
There are big benefits of anti-social behavior. Everybody can relate to this. In BPD it's just very strong but in a way totally legitimate!
dunno about her but:
1. yeah, it makes it more clear that something is true when it's overwhelming so it's harder to loop into a constant stream of self doubt where I don't know what is the real me vs. the societal mask I'm trying to live up to. For example, me getting very clearly emotional anytime my dead cat is brought up has me convinced she meant a lot to me in a way that I can't deny or argue myself out of.
2. no, it wants to kill me
3. kinda, any instance of isolation is a risk of severe disappointment and even worse feelings of isolation if it 'fails'.
(potentially) anti-social behavior isn't sought after or enjoyed, it just seems to turn out that way sometimes even when I had no idea it was happening and even thought I was doing 'good' (not good as in good enough but at least not bad). Even that is hard to say since I've heard some people that called me manipulative admit they projected a lot of their own problems and biases regarding BPD (and that's after me losing my mind trying to figure out how I wasn't only a disappointment but a straight up villain) so now I don't even know what to think.
@@99sins mine wants me dead, too.
Tiffany, will you be my friend?! 🥹🥲🥺😭 Lol
❤️🌻 i am truly so thankful how much this channel creates a community that can perpetuate kindness and understanding. I appreciate you taking the time to watch/listen. Thank you for real ❤️❤️