What a fantastic video. You relay your pain and sadness incredibly well. Before I get into what I want to say, I just want to give you a bit of an internet stranger pat on the back. You're a good-looking dude with a strong resolve and you have a lot to offer a woman. I am a married man. I've been with my wife for 15 years now, married for 7. I want to impart a bit of wisdom onto some of the younger viewers, because I think I've learned a thing or two about what it takes to navigate the incredibly complex "desire gap" that shows up in just about every marriage on the planet. It either shows up early in the relationship/marriage (like in your case), or over time you'll start to notice it here and there. The ultimate cruelty of partnership that young men (and women) aren't told about is this: sex becomes progressively more difficult the deeper you get into the marriage. It requires an escalating amount of work and commitment to maintain it as a core feature of the love shared by two people. There are exceptions to this rule, for sure, but between my own marriage and the marriages of friends that I've witnessed, it's almost a certainty that you will run into this issue at some point. My wife and I are still enjoying sexual contact 1-2x a week at our age. I'm 38 and she's 43. The number one thing to ask yourself about your relationship if you find that you've ended up in a low-sex or sexless marriage is the following: Can I talk to them about sex? Do they allow me the space to discuss my dissatisfaction with our sexual dynamic? Or do they shut down, gaslight, tell me "you've just set us back" or try to hand-wave the issue as a "problem I'm having" versus a "problem we're having together." If you find that you can't even TALK to your spouse about difficult things like sex (much less have sex at all), you are in a bad relationship, and outside intervention is crucial. Suggest couples therapy. If they wrinkle their nose at that option, figure out how to unwind the marriage. Life is much too short to waste it on the hope or expectation that people will change. People never, ever, EVER change at the behest of someone else. They change because they've decided they want to. My wife is not a raging sex-freak who wants to act out porn scenes or sit on my face after dinner or anything like that. She's got responsive desire, which means it's often on me to "warm her up" to sexual contact. We have 3 or 4 very specific things we like to do together. Sometimes it's mutual masturbation in the shower. Sometimes she wants to feel my arms around her while I we have sex. And yeah, sometimes she gets "warmed up" enough to enjoy more aggressive, rough, dominating sex. Hair-pulling or spanking or what have you. Finding the overlap in what turns us on has been a process for the entire relationship, all 15 years of it. We're still working on it. She's a very private, introverted person. She shares none of this stuff with anyone but me, which makes me feel special and deepens my love for her. The only way we were ever able to get to this kind of happy medium is through communication. You have to be able to talk about this stuff with your partner. If you feel like you're getting punished for talking about your feelings - especially in a non-judgmental way - you are in a relationship that's going to suck the life out of you bit by bit. Find a way to leave. Having kids and shared finances makes it much more difficult, for sure. But there's always a way out. You just have to choose it for yourself. I'm continuing to choose my wife every single day. And she chooses me back, in her own way. There may come a day when we stop making the efforts for each other, and if that happens, I may end up leaving the marriage. But that's OK, too. As you say in the video, we all end up as different people than we were when we started the journey. It's OK to grow apart and want different things. Best of luck, my dude. You'll be alright.
This could be the best comment ever written on my channel. Thank you. May I screenshot it to bring attention to it? Maybe use it on the community page or potentially in a future video? It's truly excellent and more people need to see it.
Wow don't ever underestimate the quality of a man you are...and ever allow someone else to determine your value. Your emotional intelligence developed through this journey of desert pain will serve you for future years. The wold is full of narcissistic manipulation and evil controle.. You deserve someone special...pray God will assist in this way and make your healing complete.
Experienced divorce attorney here. In a majority of divorce cases the couple has not been intimate with each other for years before someone files for divorce. Sad but true.
So damn true regarding sex. I told my wife prior to marriage that sex is very important and without it the relationship dies. For some reason there are people out there that think it’s not important. I don’t know who would tell them?
Truth. Almost the entirety of our 10 year total relationship (half married), we are now in divorce process. Any intimacy in this regard ended shortly after our honeymoon, it stopped altogether a year later when I was diagnosed with cancer. And now he acts shocked that I filed for divorce after I begged and pleaded him to seek counseling together, had handed him an uncontested divorce with me wiling to walk away from all assets a year prior-only for him to promise and beg to reconsider and that he would do anything to save our marriage. Yet, in the end, he did absolutely nothing but spread a massive smear campaign in that time while continuing to promise without action, causing me more and more emotional distress.
Absolutely and it's sad. As a woman, I'm always trying to encourage my guy friends not to feel ashamed. No one can advocate for you, the way you can advocate for yourself. Anybody who tries to make fun of men for having fun. Some of us women will support you.
@@Mineshine89Way to make it about you. This isn't about you. Yes of course, women suffer in silence as well; but you cannot deny that there are way more platforms and forums for women to share their feelings and we are not ashamed for being vulnerable the way men are. Just like I can't stand it when men interject their own experiences onto women's experiences? Same goes for you. Shame on you for this comment seriously.
@cortezconquistador I presented him with the request of having a woman that wasn't crazy but he said that was beyond his ability. He offered to create my own galaxy for me though.
@cortezconquistador _baby noooooooo you can’t have that mentality. Write down the type of woman you desire and present it to the Lord._ Women and their terrible and frankly stupids advise. You litteraly live in your lalaland where thing work the same for men and women.. Total delusional. Sexual and dating market value of a woman is far and beyond above than of a man that to say that "other women will want you" is trully laughable. Women do not do the first step... So he'll have to grind over and over and over for that woman who will want him. So yeah, your comments were just senseless.
@@EstrellaO-2023 it isn't. I'm not saying it's the majority but there are plenty of men who think like this. Whether you notice them or are attracted to them is another matter.
I had a sexless marriage.. an absolute nightmare. I was so in love with him but he would find so many reasons why he didn’t want me… I kept myself fit, dressed, talked and walked the way he wanted, adjusted every single cell of my being to his life and his needs… it was like role reverse .. I was the chaser… pursuer.. convincer… it’s almost unbelievable looking back now. He started to sleep separately and then we divorced 3 years after marriage.. worst years of my life. But here is the happy ending - two months after my divorce was finalised I met my future husband. The same year he proposed and we married 6 months after that.. and now have two children together and I am the happiest wife with a very healthy fulfilling sex life. I did a lot of inner work, therapy, support from my friends to be where I am now… thank you for sharing your story ✨
What a HANDSOME, smart an articulate man. Most women would die to have someone with all these qualities, who’s also so committed!! Wow! Sounds like she was in total denial and very selfish!! What a waist of all those years! Glad you are free from her and that relationship. I hope you have someone in your life now who loves and appreciates you for ALL the amazing qualities you possess. You deserve to have a HAPPY, HEALTHY, relationship and life. All the best to you.
If I had a man like you as my partner, I'd be deeply happy and grateful. I met all the wrong people at the right time and the right people at the wrong time and made a hash of my life. You're a kind man and kindness is a rare quality. I'm glad you're out of this. You deserve much better. Hope and pray you meet the right person. Wishing you all the love and happiness in the world.
Bro was giving her back massage and trip to exotic locations, and still… she didn’t want him. You did a good thing by leaving, and taking back your life.
His feelings are definitely valid. But you have to remember that women face different trauma compared to men when it comes to sex. There can be a million reasons. Maybe she just did not enjoy it. Maybe she hurt, maybe he was rough. We don't know. Women don't really talk about it if they experience pain during intercourse, because they feel ashamed and think they just have to endure it. Communication is key in that regard, but so many people are really bad with it
@@Ekam-Sat Exactly, I had a similar experience for years and it's absolutely true that both partners must be of their of abundance of life and happiness outside of the relationship that compliments such. The main source of happiness cannot just be the relationship or there is codependency that's quite volatile and causes a self-neglect in a sense. Maybe I'm biased being a guy, but I do hear a lot of stories that the guy seems to have his own sources of happiness but the girl doesn't for some reason - might fall into that trap of trying to fill her void that she is supposed to fill herself. It's important the man provides the natural things she cannot provide for herself and vice versa - physical and psychologically in the prosperous / survival department. Things obviously nature intended hunter gatherers to collaborate on.
Even beautiful men struggle. Joking. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It was very interesting and insightful since for many Christians there is this pressure in sacrificing ourselves into roles that can't break us on so, so, so many levels. Wishing you the best, truly!
No intimacy in a marriage, including no sex for months or years on end is absolutely soul destroying. When the withholding spouse doesn't want to seek therapy for their problems/sin/issues then they clearly don't love you. Very difficult for someone to fathom if they've never experienced this rejection or neglect within a marriage.
‘Neglect’. Yeah that’s a great word to use here. To neglect something is to loose interest, to not care, to have no real feeling or opinion about. Looking at this with some detachment the withholding spouse, in my case, lost interest in me about 9 years ago - I am not the shiny new penny - it’s like living with a magpie or a squirrel, constantly distracted by objects that have no value other than they are new. This has, and continues to destroy me, to a point that I have absolutely no life whatever - but my ‘problems’ can only be solved with my solutions and that is true for all of you out there. But walking away is not that easy-as you all know. Good luck to you. ‘And above all, don’t pity the dead, pity the living, especially those that live without love…..”
This is a very attractive man and I can't speak for his wife. For me, pornography is a HUGE turn off and I no longer desire sex with a man because of it.
Pornography is more damaging than drugs. I’m in recovery from substances and I know people that have pornography issues. It’s wild to see the change in them. Even after abstinence from it.
The part where you said that she says "now you just set us back 6 months because you upset me." Holy cow. That is exactly what was said to me as well. I'm grateful that I'm not alone in that experience.
That’s an amazing video, i am a muslim woman, i have never had sex, the first man i knew was my ex husband, and within 5 years of marriage we slept very few times, and i would feel like i am shit and undesirable, so i filed for divorce a year ago, now i am moving on with my life and having the same way of thinking as you, i am saving myself my energy .. for someone who deserves it, i feel the urge somtimes to just do it , but my fear of god, and my dignity won t allow me. Thanks for sharing this story , Bless you
Same I am Ina. Sexless marriage hardly we sleep I hav two kids forcefully I slept with him to conceive so that he changes , he is narcissistic , I dint leave him yet he is playin mind games m at my parents home with two kids I don’t knw what to do ! M searchin for a job after 7.5 years of gap in my job carrier m worried I don’t knw what to do it’s difficult to get a. Job plz plz pray for me I am a Muslim women too
Salam, sister. Please keep doing the right thing, and if your desire is to get married again, take the right steps and do the right things. Please don’t give in to temptation. InshaAllah, Allah SWT will bring the right person for you at the right time. Until then, keep doing the right things. I just wanted to remind you to not lose track because of a bad experience. Your future is more important than your past suffering 🩶
@@Ana-rb7ws but I have two kids one duaghter is 4 year old and a son two year old he has left me at moms place tryin to punish me that sicne I don’t have job etc I wil run to him one day but I m in search of job I have a gap in my job for seven years since I got married to Him ☹️n difficult to get job now m tryin n tryin m becoming hopeless here in India it’s like u can’t get remarried again but if u do so it’s with lots of difficulties with two kids ☹️😞so thinkin of marriage again is out of question now I believe m stil in my marriage though but no contact with him that’s what his mother n sisters want n he is spineless suckling on his mothers milk still so I don’t knw what future awaits for me , I see nothin 😞
N I am already 32 years old gich means pretty old here in India 😔but don’t look my age I look 26 tbh I am good looking alhumdulillah all my frends use to praise me n still do but he lowered my self esteem by makin me feel like a thrash
@@arshiaamreen7853 Hazrat Khadija was 40 when she married the Prophet Muhammad saws, when he was 25 and in his prime. India, like many other countries, though may have parts that claim to be Islamic, aren’t in actuality not Islamic when it comes to practice, mindset and belief. Henceforth, you said what you said. If I were you, I’d do everything in my power to protect my mind from the toxicity outside. I’d read the Quran and the Hadith more to understand Islamic philosophy and psychology which gives dignity to men, women and children regardless of age, color, education, wealth etc. If I were you, I would fill my mind with so much of the richness of Islam that their words would bounce off me. Then, I’d do whatever that needs to be done about my marriage. And I would seek the help of Allah, who understands and sees all things, past, present and future and would guide me to the best path for me. That’s what I would do. Toxicity exists in every part of the world. But the trick is to fight evil with good, as the Quran taught us. What I learned from my experience is that when you align yourself with the values of Islam, worldly stupidity doesn’t affect you anymore, or definitively affects you less. That’s what I would’ve done had I been in your place. Yes, it would be one heck of a long journey, at which I would remind myself, that maybe this is the test for my life, so therefore take it to the best of my ability and equip myself with knowledge from the Quran and the Sunnah. I hope I was able to raise your spirits even a little, sister. May Allah SWT make things easy for you. Ameen.
I want to cry watching this. I want a man like you but she had you and couldn’t even realize how great you are. If only I met someone who has the emotional depth you have.
Sometimes people just don't match very well. Doesn't have to mean that any of them are bad. Haven't wathed the video, so don't know anout this particular woman. I dind't have the right feelings for my ex, and was so unexperienced with love and intimacy, I didn't know that was the issue. I thought that if you can love someone, then the issue has to be my body, but it's possible to love, without that love being the romantic kind. Wish I knew sooner. I know my ex is great, but he isn't meant to be my partner.
@@rosyapplekitchen635You’d be surprised how much emotional depth men have. It’s just that most of us learn it to show it because when we do, women usually get extremely sexually turned off by it. They may say they like it in the moment but something totally changes.
no. he is not. He has a serious nice guy problem. It was very clear in his story that he is very much looking for validation from women in order to feel loved. a pattern from his childhood that he urgently needs to break. Nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a needy (begging) man. Don't get me wrong: he has very good abilities. He seems nice, is visually appealing, and has many good attributes. but he urgently needs to strengthen his psyche.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm going through a divorce right now. I stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 years (got married when I was 22). I felt the same way, unwanted, unloved, and rejected because the person I loved the most didn't touch me. I tried everything I could to get him to see me. I changed my appearance, started to dress the way he liked, and tried to have the same interests. I changed myself to fit into his life and he still never noticed me. A couple of years into the marriage I gave up and thought that love was enough to keep us together. I already had low self-esteem, it only got worse with time. I totally lost myself, my identity, and my joy in living in a dysfunctional relationship. Last month we decided to get a divorce. I’m working on myself at the moment releasing all the pain and trauma. I’m discovering myself again, what I like, who I am without him. Thank you for doing this video, it was very helpful.
It is a terrible hurt when the one you think you are supposed be with forever doesn't want to touch you any longer. Even worse when they bristle at just a brief caress. I understand your hurt.
Oh God his story and your story ... So many similarities to my story. God bless you both. So much pain I have experienced and rejection. He also did not want to have chilidren.
39 year old female, been in a sexless marriage for 7 years...had the same experiences like you...and like you therapy helped me...5 years since my divorce and really at peace....i appreciate your guts to post this video
@@haydenbrewer4128 honestly I don't know...imagine how insulting it is to be a woman whose husband doesn't want to have physical intimacy with her...and to make matters worse I come from a conservative Indian family where divorce is looked down upon
I swear the first 5 minutes is like hearing somebody else retelling my own life. But it seems your ability to overcome is better than mine. Glad you made it, it's inspiring.
My sister went through a similar experience to yours.. I’m glad you are finding yourself & putting a video out there to ignite discussion. She didn’t discuss her feelings around being used, she fell into a deep dark hole & committed suicide thinking there was no one who would want to love her. My sister worked all hours bringing back her hard earned money & giving it to her husband.. the man she married sounds exactly like your ex-wife. She also had similar sexual experiences. What you’re talking about is VERY real. My heart is with you, I hope you bump into ‘the one’ meant for you.
After 5yrs married to my high school sweetheart, he felt he had settled to soon and wanted to re live his 20’s, I should had seen the red flags but didn’t listen to the ppl who lovingly told me not to marry him. I was young and naive, but thankfully I was able to re-marry and have a family with another. I have never had contact with my ex, feels like I had a completely different life before. Anyway I hope you find the right woman for you, you seem like a great guy!
omg. This sounds exactly like what my husband does to me. I consider our relationship "sexless" because it's a battle to get him to be interested in me once a month. Like you, it started out a several times a week and slowly became less and less. Most recently it was three months. And if I dare bring it up and how unhappy it makes me, he says im making things worse. It's awful, but I'm still in it. So happy you got out. It's been 8 years for me.
You matter. Your needs matter. Please take the steps that are best for you. And don't wait for someone who won't even communicate to change when they haven't done anything so far.
@@busybecomingmyselfas long as children are not in the picture you are right, otherwise parents have to sacrifice their needs and modern society tells you nothing wrong with breaking up the family for either parents selfish desires over the children.
@@rejectionistmanifesto8836 "staying together for the children" is often the worst thing to do. Children learn by example of what men, women, and relationships are like. It can be better to be 100% of who you should be as a parent 50% of the time than 50% of who you could be 100% of the time.
@@rejectionistmanifesto8836 You are wrong. Children can sense the tension and know when the relationship is love-less or empty. Children are not stupid. You don’t want to set that example. Also, why is a parent “selfish”? Parents are individuals who have their own desires and needs, they have a right to be happy in the most basic way, having that emotional connection.
That's is right there! You hit the nail on the head. "She didn't respect me so didn't find me attractive" Exactly what happened to me. I gave in too much and it turned her off.
What it sounds like, so she can't respect anybody though. If he's telling his side of the story accurately, what is there not to respect? He paid the bills, treated her like a princess. I just don't think narcissists are capable of respecting anyone.
I am a woman and I can relate to your story. I was conditioned as a child to please others and I was repeatedly put down. I was a good student and that was the only thing that gave me confidence. Thank you for sharing, you are helping many people. You are a wonderful man, you deserve an amazing woman in your life. I hope you heal and receive the best things in life. Empathic people want connection and emotional relationship not just sex.
It is a sadistic type of abuse. I went through it as a woman as well and divorced over it in the end, after cheating and other types of abuse. This one was the final straw. Then I met a younger, better looking and amazing man. 🤣🤣🥰🥰😍😍
Thank you for your very honest story! I have heard of so many ‘being used/abused’ female stories, rarely a man’s story. I can clearly see your childhood set you up for not picking up healthy relationships. But what I see beneath that is a sensitive, intelligent man- willing to learn and build his own true life. Hope it all beautifully flowers 🌸🌸
@@busybecomingmyself a lesson that i learned about life in general, that respect is much more important than love, and that’s what alot of men fail to understand. Really happy for you learning from your experience and you earned my respect sharing it online.
Wow, I'm 60 now and still am trying to put all this into words and thoughts- where were you when I was 30. My life could have been so much more fulfilling. Thank you.
I too, had a very similar childhood. Then married an abusive narcissist and actually stayed for 38 years before finally kicking him to the curb. Don't be too hard on yourself, it happens to many of us; unfortunately.
When I was in my 20’s I read a book called Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. That was one of the best books I ever read and helped me to understand the vast differences between men and women. That’s half of the battle. I was kind of pissed because men and women are so different that it’s almost a cruel joke to expect them to get together in the first place. There’s a balance between the two sexes. We can benefit immensely if we can find the balance. It’s like a dance. You have to communicate well and openly along with the push and pull of finding your equilibrium in order to succeed successfully. Man is it out of this world when you get it right.
Hey man, thank you for having the balls to post this. I think WAY more men are in this exact situation than anyone realizes. Due to the exact reason you stated, being raised by dysfunctional mothers. Thank you for your courage & honesty. I know it took a lot of both to post this.
My BIL openly told us he hasn’t had sex in his marriage for 5 years! I can see how distant his wife is around him. They’re barely together. Something strange is going on.
I too left a marriage for very similar reasons. I’m so grateful I didn’t waste more than a couple years and even more grateful that I did it young. I bounced at 27 and was the best decision I ever made. I’ve had a fun and interesting life since then. I’m 46 years old now. I can’t imagine if I’d not been able to live the great life I’ve had. Don’t waste time on the wrong people everyone. Like Clark Gable said in Gone With The Wind, don’t waste time, that’s the stuff life is made out of.
The only thing that worked in my 23 year marriage was our sex life. The dynamic between couples is always totally unique. I know many women with healthy sex drives and their husbands aren’t “doing” their part. Like attracts like. One has to find that other half, where simply it all harmonizes.
This is why PARENTING WELL is so important. Our decisions (good or bad) are a DIRECT RESULT of our childhood. Recognize the issues you have, GET HELP WITH THEM in therapy, and make BETTER DECISIONS, and don't repeat what the toxicity and dysfunction that you hated about your childhood with your own children.
Much love to you brother. My wife treated me so badly for so many years. A couple years ago, after our daughter was born, I really started standing up to her. Threatened divorce multiple times. Things are getting better, I am very firm with my boundaries and that is the key. I dont tolerate any bad behavior anymore. There are still issues, but it feels like we're heading down a good path. I still contemplate leaving, but I still believe staying and trying is the right thing. Maybe in the future that will change, and I will always choose what i feel is best for myself and my daughter.
My experience was worse. My wife was the total opposite and wanted sex all the time, she was insatiable. I was losing weight with all the hours of sex each week. She started involving another woman from her gym and it was exhausting. In the end I was a broken man and she then brought in the strap on which was demeaning and damaged my body. Eventually I had no choice but to divorce as she refused to admit she had issues and would not visit a therapist. She is now living in an open relationship with two personal trainers from the gym and I'm slowly getting my life and health back.
I stay in a sexless marriage for 10 years because I have two awesome boys and I can see them everyday(instead of half the time) and maintaining 1 house is expensive enough without have to think of maintaining two. She also put on 50 pounds and isn't the kind agreeable person I fell in love with so I don't feel like I'm missing anything. (Marriage/Contracts of adhesion really mess with some women once they got the bag secured because of the state.)
Even better shape. Work out. Eat right. Probably why I find it offputting when I see poor discipline. While I grew as a person, she regressed into someone I would never have even been interested in and would like to even know as a person.(not selfish and self-serving). 80% of women end marriages these days. (largely because they put their needs above the needs of the family unit) @@byronic0967
@@grildcheez1504 Sorry, but kind and agreeable sounds like a pushover for me. If you want to stay then at least try to work on the relationship, if there is anything to work on. Even for the kids it's better than having parents barely tolerating each other.
This is insane to me. I’m 26 and just hit the 7 year mark of my relationship. We are currently going to couples therapy and are most likely going to break up because my sex needs haven’t been met for almost the entirety of the relationship. It’s been incredibly hard because we are best friends and have genuine love for each other and it’s always been easy. Needless to say, I had to click on this video because I related so hard. Stay strong everyone ❤️
@@xerxesroms4062 I think monogamy should be seen as first dibs, not exclusive rights to make the other person celibate. If someone wants monogamy, you're asking for all the other person's sexual energy to be directed at you. If you don't want to have sex with anyone, fine, your body, your choice. But let the other person find someone to have sex with. The family doesn't need to be destroyed over it.
Women can also be in a marriage where their husband doesn’t want to have an intimate relationship with them. In my profession individuals (male and female)often felt very comfortable confiding in me and I can tell you it goes both ways. It saddened me to listen to their stories and the emotional pain they felt. Some stay in the marriage because there are children and they want to do the right thing: they feel trapped. It is a difficult challenge and as I have aged I recognize I don’t have a “one fits all advice” for people.
@@dermlover1same here. My partner will purpose blow cold and claim busy and do nothing with me but watch TV cause he knows it turns me off and then I won't expect sex. We went on many vacation and it was always me asking him for sex, he would sit across the room from me in a hotel room and even just keep leaving. I am convinced that we married energy vampires who just wanted to steal our time and energy, or they are gay or addicted to porn.
Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who has a low libido, I've resolved to just remaining single until I find a 'unicorn' that is sexually compatible. And if I don't, then I don't. It's better to be peaceful than hold someone hostage to how I should feel (and viser versa). My ex and I were together for 1 year. We got on like a house on fire on every level! The relationship was amazing! However, over time it became clear that we had different needs from a romantic relationship. It broke my heart when my ex bf thought I didnt love him because I didn't have the same appetite for the amount of sex he craved. I could not convince him that I found him attractive and that I loved him. Without the sex, the relationship meant nothing to him. Our view about sex was simply just different and our libidos made us villians to each other. We even tried couples counseling at some point but it was too late. The damage was done. I blamed myself for a while and still see how I played a role in the breakdown of our relationship. I did also learn a great deal about myself. I think the experience scarred both of us. I'm sure he's happier now with someone else and I hope he is; just as I hope you are.
@@arshiaamreen7853 I don't know hey. I can't speak for everone but I've heard some say stress, anxiety and/or depression can cause it. If that's the case, I can understand why someone would want to 'get their libido back'. But I know for myself, I don't have any of those (or atleast I have not been diagnosed with any clinical concerns). I've just always never had a big craving for sex. I'm 33 now. So maybe some people (like me) just don't have a high sex drive and it's not "a problem to be fixed" about them. Rather, I think it's a matter of sexual compatibility. From experience, it becomes a problem when one is in a relationship with someone who wants more sex than the other person (viser versa).
@@lirekoqhobela4439just saying if you’re on SSRIs or birth control. That can affect your libido, especially in women. Also your health, if you workout and eat healthier, your libido might increase. If you want it too, not everybody needs sex in a relationship.
@@arshiaamreen7853I’ve went from high to no libido with the same guy when he stopped listening to me, didn’t care about what I wanted and wouldn’t even go for a walk with me. He was harsh and judgmental. I missed my best friend’s birthday party because as we drove there we went through an African American family neighborhood and he flipped out, got scared and drove us home. We went on a trip to Yosemite National Park. His comment was that it was just a pile of rocks and he proceeded to smoke pot, really the only time I ever saw him do so. Point is that he left me alone in the relationship.
As someone who grew up in a very similar way, but female, the bad first relationship was a cheater. These are narcissists who have the tenacity and will to break down boundaries and draw the life force off vulnerable partners.
This sounds VERY similar to my marriage, which is in the process of divorce currently. We were married for just over 2 years, but only lived together for 1 year due to visa processing. After 4 months of living together she started withdrawing sex with very similar excuses, being too tired, etc...A huge red flag that helped me to wake up was when she withdrew sex because I had lunch with my parents and let my parents pay for it, and despite the fact that I was paying for nearly everything for our life she said it's proof that I'm a bad husband...because my parents took me out to lunch, lmao. She would use anything as an excuse to belittle and devalue me and then be angry and say that she was too angry for sex. Later I found out that she has all the classic behaviors of a covert / vulnerable narcissist. After listening to your story, I believe at least one of your parents must be a narcissist, and likely your wife was too. Because you had to endure being devalued on a regular basis you developed a people pleaser mentality, wherein you devalue your own self and think that your own existence is not good enough, and put others needs above yours, no matter what. I'm a very different person now, and so are you. We got this! Best wishes to you man.
This must be my first RUclips comment ever. Its totally worth it. It's wonderful to see a person grow, blooming into this incredible being of you. Thank you for your insight and being so candid of your journey. This video was sealing all my own learnings, truly grateful for it. I hope you always get guidance from your soul, intuition- all the answers are just waiting to be dug out. You are a rolemodel for all the others. Much love and respect. Be blessed.
I am really sorry to hear what a horrible experience you had, but props to you for developing self-awareness and working on self-development and healing. I was bullied as a child and in consequence I turned into people-pleaser, unfortunately many people took advantage of it....I'm also trying to heal my wounds, I find it so much more peaceful just being single, no more anxiety or stress....
There are still many women, like me, who believe in the sanctity of sex and are not interested in passing it out like candy. You are a good man and a worthy of a good woman.
Wow. I could have easily written this. Thank God we parted when it was still early but those very same patterns existed in one of my relationships when I was younger. This video is just absolute divine timing. Thank you for your message!
We don't know what we do not know until coming across a video such as this that is such invaluable advice. Reading the comments below, it appears your experience struck home with more people than I might have earlier imagined. "the things we do for love" -- is stripped here to the core and shreds the idea of romance many of come to be blinded by not having sufficient real life experience. Much appreciation to Chris, this channel's creator. p.s. how easily we fall into the trap of failing to comprehend our own tremendous abilities and worth.
It was heartbreaking to hear this. If someone is making you feel like your not enough they need to get out the way so someone else can come in and treat you like the king you are.
@@busybecomingmyself I was approached by boys/ men all my life starting from high school. Faced the exact situation as you. Ditto. 7 years wasted. And then he tells me.. I wanted other men. To a girl who stayed virgin till 28. Literally had to beat guys away with sticks. Now I'm finally free from him. Life is precious. Don't waste it on losers who can't be honest about themselves. When we give too much out of feeling worthless (something taught to us by toxic parents) people take us for granted. They think we'll never leave. We have to leave.
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and so transparent about a deeply painful situation. I have been there and suffered through it for eight long years of feeling so ashamed and unworthy of love and intimacy that I dared not tell anybody. I can relate so well to your sense of despair and powerlessness to be trapped in such a marriage. I hope you found the relationship and true intimacy that you have wanted all along.
Wow how honest, raw and succinct. There are thousands of women like you who don't know what a healthy relationship is but are also trying to navigate and walk on the tight rope of desire vs an unhealthily sacrificial relationship whilst being Christian. Often we feel so alone we can't see the wood from the trees. Sharing is a fantastic way to help yourself and others. Thank you
Thank you for sharing, being a woman in this world It's easy to start to believe there aren't any men left who care about having a true and honest bond in a relationship, I'm glad you exist ❤
Your ability to be vulnerable with the world is beautiful and much appreciated. Although the experiences you’ve been through weren’t something you may have wanted to go through, it still seems as if you allowed yourself to learn and grow through it, which takes extreme courage and willpower. It’s so lovely to see more men choosing to heal, evolve through, and learn from their experiences. You do deserve a sacred love because you are sacredness and worthiness itself. Much love, healing, and continued harmony to you 🤍
wow! it's really something to think about, hearing this from a man....so very similar to my own experience. i'd never thought about a guy being 'in my shoes'. Def eye opening and a lot of validation here--Very happy you were able to remove yourself from that kind of toxic. Thank you for being so open and honest. Wising u the very best🕊️
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, sad and vulnerable confession. The void we grow up with, that makes us crave for love and attention, makes us loose ourselves. It was so heartbreaking to hear about yours. I've got such a void, too. Maybe that's why your vid hit close to home and made me cry. I'm working on therapy on my void. Slowly growing to respect myself. Slowly getting myself back. I'm glad you got the good relationship you deserve. All the best for you ❤
Thanks for transparency - this vid gives me hope that there are still good guys out there. Also, Ill take brutal honesty over any kind of lying any day!
I love this video! So relatable! I struggle the same as a women! 😊 I try to forgive myself for sleeping with men easily when I didn’t know better. We do just want to be loved. I’m here with you on the struggle of self discovery and love. I think we were victims as children and carry that mentally as adults. I try to remember I have choice. Choices are not easy, sometimes all paths have pain. But which on aligns with me is what matters.
Thank you for sharing. I know there will be so many people can relate to not even have of them taking care of themselves as even a thought. So many bad relationships come from people thinking dysfunctional behaviors are normal and not knowing there could be a healthier alternative.
There are many ppl who are raised by wrong parenting and end up in either in wrong relationship or unsuccessful career or becoming depressed in growing yrs and there are children who have been exposed to many different environmental issues and get things done by previously discussed children. You are the classic example of good human being unfortunately raised by wrong parents and manipulated by wrong partners. Past should be in past and see yourself now, how confident, mature, responsible person you are, spreading awareness to ppl and saving their lives ❤
Ty for sharing! You sound like a beautiful man inside and out! U think we all go thru our trips and falls in our 20’s. I hope you resolved to not bring your standards down but up to now choose someone who values intimacy and has integrity and commitment. Never lose these things!
In some regard, the thinking that a bloke is "getting lucky" is a myth, it's a mirage. Pushed by testosterone. I'm now 62, been married twice, failed twice for a multitude of reasons. Lived 10 years no sex, trying to make it work, ultimately had it thrown under the bus. Truly a deep level of sadness. Long story short, I'm working on what's left of my life, not expecting any miracles. ALONE..... peace and quiet. Good luck guys. There's no easy answers.
Hang in there man. There's more to life than women, but when a man lives without sex, it's not easy. I've been there. Exercise, experience nature, travel, go to movies, play music, swim..
Dang. This is a cautionary tale for me about how bad things could have become. My wife started cutting me off and after about 2 months I stopped "asking". I basically told her that if she wasn't going to have sex with me then I wasn't going to show much concern for any of her needs either. Somehow she thought that was unfair. Happily, I just stopped caring. Rather than pursue sex with me she pursued a divorce. She mistakenly thought that I'd beg her not to go through with it and she'd keep cutting me off but I was ALL TOO HAPPY to leave. Funny thing is that when I called her bluff she tried to put the brakes on but it was too late. She'd given me a golden parachute and I took it. I'll never ever get married again. GFs don't play those games because they know you'll leave.
Sex isn't a need. It's a want. You won't die without sex. You'll die without food/water, not sex. You need to get this in your head or you'll be perpetually miserable
@@xxxxOS That's a stupid point. Wives aren't a need, jobs aren't a need, if we're going by maslow there are very few things that are. But, if we're going by maslow a NEED for fulfillment is a sense of belonging. That's where sex comes in.
@@xxxxOS Sex is absolutely a biological need. Some people may need more, others less, but generally men need it often. I think we all can make a personal decision to not have it and keep our bodies under control but it takes a lot of discipline and we cannot be exposed to anything of that nature. For virgins it's easier than for someone who has already had it.
@@yanise1625 I disagree. I can have a wank. I probably only hook up with 2 or 3 women a year because I dont want to date much. I'm plenty happy going months without sex.
It’s comforting to know someone else had a nearly identical experience. I’m 2 years out of mine and still working through the damage of feeling undesirable for so long.
I’m very glad you are realizing your self worth. And it’s ok to be upfront with potential mates that you are looking for something long term. You’re doing great keeping it real. Good luck in your quest for the happy ever after.
Absolutely shocking to hear your story and read so many comments from men and women who have went through the same thing. This is nothing short of abuse and manipulation. 😢 I hope you all know the abuse says something about them as a person and nothing about you and your value. It's hard to believe that, but it's true. They will treat their next victim in the same manner. Your identity and value is not in your bad marriage. Don't make it your identity and don't accept the lies! May you find love, peace, and happiness. 💛
I just found this video and oh my goodness, just almost identical upbringing even though we come from different parts of the world, the social pressure, religious background and the never-ending conditional love by my parents. The lack of acceptance by my family for who I am as a person but rather treated as one of their possession, resulted in extremely low self esteem blindly called as "being shy". That moreover resulted in my lack of ability to correct asses any advances or even slight emotions showed towards me thinking that this is the best thing I could ask for. It is still an ongoing battle even to this day (I am in my 40s now) constantly discovering myself, my worth and what exactly is my purpose in this world. I'd like to thank you for sharing this with the world. It's not easy to be vulnerable and brave to tackle this part of your live and talk about it. Wishing you nothing but the best. You're absolutely worth it! 💚
I am so sorry you were tormented by this woman. I would love to find a man like you. May all your dreams be about to come true. Keep going! She’s out there!
This is why moms need to be good to thier sons. They pick women like their moms So if you don’t want to worry about your son, teach him what love and respect look like BY RESPECTING HIM
Moms are a big part of the problem. Especially single moms. Look up "devouring mother syndrome" They unconsciously hobble their sons so they will be unattractive to women and will never leave the nest.
No. I did not and never have been with a woman that’s anything like my mum. I’ve heard people say this before and as far as I can tell it’s complete bs…and creepy af.
Seventeen years ✋ The reason they don't respect you is ironically precisely because you chose them and you credit them with decency and goodness. But they know what they are.
We don’t respect men who are door mats. Your self esteem is so low you don’t vet your partner or set expectations & standards for them to rise up to. You didn’t really choose us. You settled for us. I have enough decency not to choose that man back. But I know women who will use you back because they already feel like you’re using them too.
This video is heartbreaking. I think most people feel this way - they are looking for intimacy both physical and emotional. You seem really sincere and I hope you find someone who genuinely cares for you.
She said this is really enlightening and a lot of people are going through and it’s honest and it’s real and it needed to be said. I’m so grateful that you found yourself and respecting yourself enough to say I’m better than this and I’m worth more than what I’m receiving. Good for you.
"You just set us back 6 months." says a lot. SHE was appointing herself monitor of where you BOTH were. That's not just cold, what a mysterious timeline. I don't know why youtube put this in my path because I'm a female who has a near 30 year good marriage, but this is interesting. I am glad you got out of it. You deserve to be in a relationship WITH someone, not waiting for someone.
False. Sex is not important in a relationship, what is important is true love and communication. Many people don’t have sex anymore when they grow older which is normal. Also, some people are asexual meaning they don’t want sex. Also, some women deal with birth defects in their vagina meaning sex will be very very painful for them and not enjoyable. Or they have to deal with the condition Vaginismus. All this leads to sexless marriage for a lot of men eventually. Porn made you think sex is so essential, but many men survived without it. Just hugging and kissing and cooking together etc. Can be enough.
@@truehappiness4U you don't get to tell other people what is and is not important in a relationship. Just because it isn't important to you it doesn't mean it isn't important to another person. Marital fidelity doesn't mean making sure the other person can't be happy. And plenty of couples continue to have sex well into old age.
@@truehappiness4U so true some will measure how many times their wife gives them sex and will kick them out if they refuse few times. If people think sex is an obligation in marriage better don't marry. I would never tell my loved one give me sex or else I will leave you or else kick you out basically legal prostitution
This speaks to me differently at 29 keeping myself for marriage and seemingly never finding the right person. Wanting a family, wanting kids but just seemingly out of reach. I thought I had a lot of love to give but watching this I had to ask myself if I really do? Will I be different when I finally settle with someone? I really want to oh I pray I am and I hope the person I am keeping myself for will be worth the wait.
You’re not alone. Lots of people, men and women choose the wrong life mate. I did. Two decades of loneliness and dysfunction are hard to accept as my reality but that’s what happened.
Ueah, I dealt with that for eight years. She left when her mom died. She freaked out and ran off to a HS boyfriend who already had two kids. They got married and he ended up getting a third woman pregnant. Now shes with a guy who looks like a slug. It was the worst of times and I thought it was the best of times because its just how she was, I thought. Men will tolerate so much out of goodness and honor but we can't allow ourselves to be run over.
Thank you for being so brave to share this very personal, difficult part of your life. I've been in a sexless marriage for 13 years. We waited to have sex until we were married and then 3 weeks in, everything changed. I finally moved out on Labor Day. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone.❤️
Congratulations on starting the rest of your life. I hope my other content will be useful to you in doing the work to rebuild your life. My life now is better than I ever could have imagined thankfully.
@@rockon8174 many people were thoroughly trained that they didn't deserve any better. Please try not to judge people whose situations you have no awareness of.
Not to be rude but his hair is thinning, hair is life, going bald is just your hair divorcing you. 99.999… percent of women find balding men unattractive, and majority of men don’t respect bald men. He’s handsome, but not desirable to alot of women or people. That’s just… the reality, don’t like it, don’t reply.
It is if you find someone who is sexually compatible. I almost never refuse my husband sex, even if I’m really tired. The way I see it is a quickie is better than no action at all 🤷♀️😅
Great video and man's point of view. Lovely that you were able to share your difficult story. 🤗 Best of luck now because now you know what you wont tolerate in a relationship. Some people are just lessons, some very painfull leassons, some people are our teachers and some are pure blessings.
Thank you. I think there are a lot of men thinking like you. More women should watch this. Women who are saying „all men are the same“. We are all humans, needing love, affection and a healthy relationship. The more we heal, the more beautiful the relationships become. 🙏🏽✨
Sounds like my first marriage. I spent 15 years in a sexless marriage. My life was centered around trying to make her happy. Nothing I did was good enough. “If you would do X, Y, Z I would be in the mood.” I would do that only to be told “If you would do A, B, C I would be in the mood.” My life was being constantly criticized and withholding of sex as a weapon. I also ignored the red flags before we got married. It took 15 years for me to break. Thankfully I met another woman who understands the importance of physical intimacy including sex. Over a decade later and we have a solid relationship of mutual respect and gratitude (and an active sex life). My relationship with my second wife is everything I had ever hoped for with a woman. I am the happiest I have ever been with her and the children she has given me.
Am in a dating hiatus while I prepare for the marriage I want. Your video is helpful. Thank you. It seems like I need to learn more than just manifest picture perfect union.
Nah not for tons of guys. Woman will cut that part of their life out. Just to punish you maybe they’ll cheat one day if the opportunity comes up but they become so grumpy after having kids it’s like they hate men. Most moms hate the life of being a mom.
I feel you. It’s not your fault for every abuse you’re subjected to. The good news is… You’ve acknowledged the dysfunction and your healing is your responsibility as a conscious adult. Congrats of becoming busy becoming your truest authentic self despite what happened to you. Unlearning old patterns and letting go of our childhood beliefs is also important because when you come from a dysfunctional family can make choose familiar patterns from the opposite sex. People pleasing is something that most of us has to heal from too.
What a fantastic video. You relay your pain and sadness incredibly well. Before I get into what I want to say, I just want to give you a bit of an internet stranger pat on the back. You're a good-looking dude with a strong resolve and you have a lot to offer a woman.
I am a married man. I've been with my wife for 15 years now, married for 7. I want to impart a bit of wisdom onto some of the younger viewers, because I think I've learned a thing or two about what it takes to navigate the incredibly complex "desire gap" that shows up in just about every marriage on the planet. It either shows up early in the relationship/marriage (like in your case), or over time you'll start to notice it here and there. The ultimate cruelty of partnership that young men (and women) aren't told about is this: sex becomes progressively more difficult the deeper you get into the marriage. It requires an escalating amount of work and commitment to maintain it as a core feature of the love shared by two people. There are exceptions to this rule, for sure, but between my own marriage and the marriages of friends that I've witnessed, it's almost a certainty that you will run into this issue at some point.
My wife and I are still enjoying sexual contact 1-2x a week at our age. I'm 38 and she's 43. The number one thing to ask yourself about your relationship if you find that you've ended up in a low-sex or sexless marriage is the following: Can I talk to them about sex? Do they allow me the space to discuss my dissatisfaction with our sexual dynamic? Or do they shut down, gaslight, tell me "you've just set us back" or try to hand-wave the issue as a "problem I'm having" versus a "problem we're having together." If you find that you can't even TALK to your spouse about difficult things like sex (much less have sex at all), you are in a bad relationship, and outside intervention is crucial. Suggest couples therapy. If they wrinkle their nose at that option, figure out how to unwind the marriage. Life is much too short to waste it on the hope or expectation that people will change. People never, ever, EVER change at the behest of someone else. They change because they've decided they want to.
My wife is not a raging sex-freak who wants to act out porn scenes or sit on my face after dinner or anything like that. She's got responsive desire, which means it's often on me to "warm her up" to sexual contact. We have 3 or 4 very specific things we like to do together. Sometimes it's mutual masturbation in the shower. Sometimes she wants to feel my arms around her while I we have sex. And yeah, sometimes she gets "warmed up" enough to enjoy more aggressive, rough, dominating sex. Hair-pulling or spanking or what have you. Finding the overlap in what turns us on has been a process for the entire relationship, all 15 years of it. We're still working on it. She's a very private, introverted person. She shares none of this stuff with anyone but me, which makes me feel special and deepens my love for her.
The only way we were ever able to get to this kind of happy medium is through communication. You have to be able to talk about this stuff with your partner. If you feel like you're getting punished for talking about your feelings - especially in a non-judgmental way - you are in a relationship that's going to suck the life out of you bit by bit. Find a way to leave. Having kids and shared finances makes it much more difficult, for sure. But there's always a way out. You just have to choose it for yourself.
I'm continuing to choose my wife every single day. And she chooses me back, in her own way. There may come a day when we stop making the efforts for each other, and if that happens, I may end up leaving the marriage. But that's OK, too. As you say in the video, we all end up as different people than we were when we started the journey. It's OK to grow apart and want different things.
Best of luck, my dude. You'll be alright.
This could be the best comment ever written on my channel. Thank you.
May I screenshot it to bring attention to it? Maybe use it on the community page or potentially in a future video? It's truly excellent and more people need to see it.
@@busybecomingmyself Absolutely, and I'm glad you found it helpful!
I concur ~ Communication is key
I'm a female and this is a truly phenomenal comment. Thank you for being honest and telling the truth. All the best to you and your wife!
Wow don't ever underestimate the quality of a man you are...and ever allow someone else to determine your value. Your emotional intelligence developed through this journey of desert pain will serve you for future years. The wold is full of narcissistic manipulation and evil controle.. You deserve someone special...pray God will assist in this way and make your healing complete.
Experienced divorce attorney here. In a majority of divorce cases the couple has not been intimate with each other for years before someone files for divorce. Sad but true.
Ah, I've seen you as a guest on some of the channels I follow. It's great that our paths crossed this way. Subscribed.
@@busybecomingmyself Thank you!
I always love watching your videos!!
So damn true regarding sex. I told my wife prior to marriage that sex is very important and without it the relationship dies. For some reason there are people out there that think it’s not important. I don’t know who would tell them?
Truth. Almost the entirety of our 10 year total relationship (half married), we are now in divorce process. Any intimacy in this regard ended shortly after our honeymoon, it stopped altogether a year later when I was diagnosed with cancer. And now he acts shocked that I filed for divorce after I begged and pleaded him to seek counseling together, had handed him an uncontested divorce with me wiling to walk away from all assets a year prior-only for him to promise and beg to reconsider and that he would do anything to save our marriage. Yet, in the end, he did absolutely nothing but spread a massive smear campaign in that time while continuing to promise without action, causing me more and more emotional distress.
Bro, mad respect to you for having the courage to openly talk about this so honestly… many many men suffer in total silence
I did too, until the very end. I thought it would be a breach of her privacy to talk about it with anyone for almost the whole time.
Many women suffer in silence too.
Wow! Woman suffer in silence as well.
Absolutely and it's sad. As a woman, I'm always trying to encourage my guy friends not to feel ashamed. No one can advocate for you, the way you can advocate for yourself. Anybody who tries to make fun of men for having fun. Some of us women will support you.
@@Mineshine89Way to make it about you. This isn't about you. Yes of course, women suffer in silence as well; but you cannot deny that there are way more platforms and forums for women to share their feelings and we are not ashamed for being vulnerable the way men are. Just like I can't stand it when men interject their own experiences onto women's experiences? Same goes for you. Shame on you for this comment seriously.
Being rejected by the person you are committed to choosing hurts like hell💔
Because men don’t understand how women view marriage
“No one else wants me, she must be the one”. Too many men think like this and get trapped in toxic relationships
Most of us men HAVE to settle for whatever woman will have us.
@cortezconquistador I presented him with the request of having a woman that wasn't crazy but he said that was beyond his ability. He offered to create my own galaxy for me though.
That’s just people in general
@cortezconquistador
_baby noooooooo you can’t have that mentality. Write down the type of woman you desire and present it to the Lord._
Women and their terrible and frankly stupids advise. You litteraly live in your lalaland where thing work the same for men and women.. Total delusional.
Sexual and dating market value of a woman is far and beyond above than of a man that to say that "other women will want you" is trully laughable.
Women do not do the first step... So he'll have to grind over and over and over for that woman who will want him.
So yeah, your comments were just senseless.
Exactly, "You'll do!"
"I wanted sex to be bonding...I wanted it to mean something." I completely get this.
Amen, bro!
I love this!
I can't believe I'm hearing a man say that?! It's a miracle.
@@EstrellaO-2023 it isn't. I'm not saying it's the majority but there are plenty of men who think like this. Whether you notice them or are attracted to them is another matter.
Yes
People just want sex for bad reason and its hard to know it
It hurts and its not right
I had a sexless marriage.. an absolute nightmare. I was so in love with him but he would find so many reasons why he didn’t want me… I kept myself fit, dressed, talked and walked the way he wanted, adjusted every single cell of my being to his life and his needs… it was like role reverse .. I was the chaser… pursuer.. convincer… it’s almost unbelievable looking back now. He started to sleep separately and then we divorced 3 years after marriage.. worst years of my life. But here is the happy ending - two months after my divorce was finalised I met my future husband. The same year he proposed and we married 6 months after that.. and now have two children together and I am the happiest wife with a very healthy fulfilling sex life. I did a lot of inner work, therapy, support from my friends to be where I am now… thank you for sharing your story ✨
Something’s off.
Your story doesn’t make sense since men almost never are the ones withholding from their woman
What a HANDSOME, smart an articulate man. Most women would die to have someone with all these qualities, who’s also so committed!! Wow! Sounds like she was in total denial and very selfish!! What a waist of all those years! Glad you are free from her and that relationship. I hope you have someone in your life now who loves and appreciates you for ALL the amazing qualities you possess. You deserve to have a HAPPY, HEALTHY, relationship and life. All the best to you.
*waste
Your waist is just under your rib cage.
Couldn’t agree more, I was thinking exactly the same thing’s while watching this! She was clearly toxic and mentally unhealthy.
Oh god I m into this relationship same same two kids but
you have no idea how that guy's character really is
She made this guy! There's experiences you just have to go through in order to form your true personality
"The stuff you're raised to can be continued by partners"...wow! Very powerful and eye opening, well said. You are also incredibly insightful!
If I had a man like you as my partner, I'd be deeply happy and grateful. I met all the wrong people at the right time and the right people at the wrong time and made a hash of my life. You're a kind man and kindness is a rare quality. I'm glad you're out of this. You deserve much better. Hope and pray you meet the right person. Wishing you all the love and happiness in the world.
It's always the nice people who get used and hurt
@@watermelonlover745 nice people pleasing individuals always get shit. Lets all champion selfishness
Bro was giving her back massage and trip to exotic locations, and still… she didn’t want him. You did a good thing by leaving, and taking back your life.
Exploitation indeed - honestly sounds like she couldn't make herself happy too, a massive top tier red flag.
this is brutal... because he is not even a bad looking guy.
imagine all the other stories like this that are never told.
Most men are happy to be with their woman. But for a woman to be happy, she needs a whole lot of different things besides her man.
His feelings are definitely valid. But you have to remember that women face different trauma compared to men when it comes to sex. There can be a million reasons. Maybe she just did not enjoy it. Maybe she hurt, maybe he was rough. We don't know. Women don't really talk about it if they experience pain during intercourse, because they feel ashamed and think they just have to endure it. Communication is key in that regard, but so many people are really bad with it
@@Ekam-Sat Exactly, I had a similar experience for years and it's absolutely true that both partners must be of their of abundance of life and happiness outside of the relationship that compliments such. The main source of happiness cannot just be the relationship or there is codependency that's quite volatile and causes a self-neglect in a sense. Maybe I'm biased being a guy, but I do hear a lot of stories that the guy seems to have his own sources of happiness but the girl doesn't for some reason - might fall into that trap of trying to fill her void that she is supposed to fill herself. It's important the man provides the natural things she cannot provide for herself and vice versa - physical and psychologically in the prosperous / survival department. Things obviously nature intended hunter gatherers to collaborate on.
Even beautiful men struggle. Joking.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It was very interesting and insightful since for many Christians there is this pressure in sacrificing ourselves into roles that can't break us on so, so, so many levels.
Wishing you the best, truly!
No intimacy in a marriage, including no sex for months or years on end is absolutely soul destroying. When the withholding spouse doesn't want to seek therapy for their problems/sin/issues then they clearly don't love you. Very difficult for someone to fathom if they've never experienced this rejection or neglect within a marriage.
‘Neglect’. Yeah that’s a great word to use here. To neglect something is to loose interest, to not care, to have no real feeling or opinion about. Looking at this with some detachment the withholding spouse, in my case, lost interest in me about 9 years ago - I am not the shiny new penny - it’s like living with a magpie or a squirrel, constantly distracted by objects that have no value other than they are new. This has, and continues to destroy me, to a point that I have absolutely no life whatever - but my ‘problems’ can only be solved with my solutions and that is true for all of you out there. But walking away is not that easy-as you all know.
Good luck to you. ‘And above all, don’t pity the dead, pity the living, especially those that live without love…..”
This is a very attractive man and I can't speak for his wife. For me, pornography is a HUGE turn off and I no longer desire sex with a man because of it.
he is not attractive and no offence to him @@nunyabizness573
@@nunyabizness573I’m pretty sure my ex-wife was involved with watching porn. In the end her choice of car was more important than I was.
Pornography is more damaging than drugs. I’m in recovery from substances and I know people that have pornography issues. It’s wild to see the change in them. Even after abstinence from it.
The part where you said that she says "now you just set us back 6 months because you upset me." Holy cow. That is exactly what was said to me as well. I'm grateful that I'm not alone in that experience.
Gas lighting 101.
Total narcissistic manipulative behaviour for sure. Mine wouldn’t say that but the death glare I got was for her enemy.
That’s an amazing video, i am a muslim woman, i have never had sex, the first man i knew was my ex husband, and within 5 years of marriage we slept very few times, and i would feel like i am shit and undesirable, so i filed for divorce a year ago, now i am moving on with my life and having the same way of thinking as you, i am saving myself my energy .. for someone who deserves it, i feel the urge somtimes to just do it , but my fear of god, and my dignity won t allow me. Thanks for sharing this story , Bless you
Same I am Ina. Sexless marriage hardly we sleep I hav two kids forcefully I slept with him to conceive so that he changes , he is narcissistic , I dint leave him yet he is playin mind games m at my parents home with two kids I don’t knw what to do ! M searchin for a job after 7.5 years of gap in my job carrier m worried I don’t knw what to do it’s difficult to get a. Job plz plz pray for me I am a Muslim women too
Salam, sister. Please keep doing the right thing, and if your desire is to get married again, take the right steps and do the right things. Please don’t give in to temptation. InshaAllah, Allah SWT will bring the right person for you at the right time. Until then, keep doing the right things. I just wanted to remind you to not lose track because of a bad experience. Your future is more important than your past suffering 🩶
@@Ana-rb7ws but I have two kids one duaghter is 4 year old and a son two year old he has left me at moms place tryin to punish me that sicne I don’t have job etc I wil run to him one day but I m in search of job I have a gap in my job for seven years since I got married to
Him ☹️n difficult to get job now m tryin n tryin m becoming hopeless here in India it’s like u can’t get remarried again but if u do so it’s with lots of difficulties with two kids ☹️😞so thinkin of marriage again is out of question now I believe m stil in my marriage though but no contact with him that’s what his mother n sisters want n he is spineless suckling on his mothers milk still so I don’t knw what future awaits for me , I see nothin 😞
N I am already 32 years old gich means pretty old here in India 😔but don’t look my age I look 26 tbh I am good looking alhumdulillah all my frends use to praise me n still do but he lowered my self esteem by makin me feel like a thrash
@@arshiaamreen7853 Hazrat Khadija was 40 when she married the Prophet Muhammad saws, when he was 25 and in his prime. India, like many other countries, though may have parts that claim to be Islamic, aren’t in actuality not Islamic when it comes to practice, mindset and belief. Henceforth, you said what you said. If I were you, I’d do everything in my power to protect my mind from the toxicity outside. I’d read the Quran and the Hadith more to understand Islamic philosophy and psychology which gives dignity to men, women and children regardless of age, color, education, wealth etc. If I were you, I would fill my mind with so much of the richness of Islam that their words would bounce off me. Then, I’d do whatever that needs to be done about my marriage. And I would seek the help of Allah, who understands and sees all things, past, present and future and would guide me to the best path for me. That’s what I would do. Toxicity exists in every part of the world. But the trick is to fight evil with good, as the Quran taught us. What I learned from my experience is that when you align yourself with the values of Islam, worldly stupidity doesn’t affect you anymore, or definitively affects you less. That’s what I would’ve done had I been in your place. Yes, it would be one heck of a long journey, at which I would remind myself, that maybe this is the test for my life, so therefore take it to the best of my ability and equip myself with knowledge from the Quran and the Sunnah. I hope I was able to raise your spirits even a little, sister. May Allah SWT make things easy for you. Ameen.
I want to cry watching this. I want a man like you but she had you and couldn’t even realize how great you are. If only I met someone who has the emotional depth you have.
I agree it is exactly that the “emotional depth” he has is so rare
Sometimes people just don't match very well. Doesn't have to mean that any of them are bad. Haven't wathed the video, so don't know anout this particular woman.
I dind't have the right feelings for my ex, and was so unexperienced with love and intimacy, I didn't know that was the issue. I thought that if you can love someone, then the issue has to be my body, but it's possible to love, without that love being the romantic kind. Wish I knew sooner.
I know my ex is great, but he isn't meant to be my partner.
Oooooo
@@rosyapplekitchen635You’d be surprised how much emotional depth men have. It’s just that most of us learn it to show it because when we do, women usually get extremely sexually turned off by it. They may say they like it in the moment but something totally changes.
You will leave that man later anyway, that is in your biology
This man is the total package! May he find someone who truly deserves him.
How do you know that?! Theres 2 sides to every story
@@BeautifulDove-i7u well we heard one side, and this is the case in most marriages
Don’t get married
@@Garett.1214 well said
no. he is not. He has a serious nice guy problem. It was very clear in his story that he is very much looking for validation from women in order to feel loved. a pattern from his childhood that he urgently needs to break. Nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a needy (begging) man. Don't get me wrong: he has very good abilities. He seems nice, is visually appealing, and has many good attributes. but he urgently needs to strengthen his psyche.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm going through a divorce right now. I stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 years (got married when I was 22). I felt the same way, unwanted, unloved, and rejected because the person I loved the most didn't touch me. I tried everything I could to get him to see me. I changed my appearance, started to dress the way he liked, and tried to have the same interests. I changed myself to fit into his life and he still never noticed me. A couple of years into the marriage I gave up and thought that love was enough to keep us together. I already had low self-esteem, it only got worse with time. I totally lost myself, my identity, and my joy in living in a dysfunctional relationship. Last month we decided to get a divorce. I’m working on myself at the moment releasing all the pain and trauma. I’m discovering myself again, what I like, who I am without him. Thank you for doing this video, it was very helpful.
Thank you for your comment. I'm glad it was helpful to you.
It is a terrible hurt when the one you think you are supposed be with forever doesn't want to touch you any longer. Even worse when they bristle at just a brief caress. I understand your hurt.
If thats the case ..why did u get married in the first place¿
Oh God his story and your story ... So many similarities to my story. God bless you both. So much pain I have experienced and rejection. He also did not want to have chilidren.
@@pannanikt333 I mean did u not talk about this before getting married? Why did u get married in the first place,?
39 year old female, been in a sexless marriage for 7 years...had the same experiences like you...and like you therapy helped me...5 years since my divorce and really at peace....i appreciate your guts to post this video
Congratulations on your healing and achieving peace
How would you be in that situation if your a woman and your husband is a, well, dude. Usually, it's the other way around. No offense.
I would love to help you make up for the lost time. I too am in a sexless marriage, I'm about to get The F OUT.
@@haydenbrewer4128 honestly I don't know...imagine how insulting it is to be a woman whose husband doesn't want to have physical intimacy with her...and to make matters worse I come from a conservative Indian family where divorce is looked down upon
@@elypowell6797 more power to you, you just have one life...
I swear the first 5 minutes is like hearing somebody else retelling my own life. But it seems your ability to overcome is better than mine. Glad you made it, it's inspiring.
Quite by accident in my case, but if I can help others overcome it I'm happy to help.
My sister went through a similar experience to yours.. I’m glad you are finding yourself & putting a video out there to ignite discussion.
She didn’t discuss her feelings around being used, she fell into a deep dark hole & committed suicide thinking there was no one who would want to love her. My sister worked all hours bringing back her hard earned money & giving it to her husband.. the man she married sounds exactly like your ex-wife. She also had similar sexual experiences. What you’re talking about is VERY real. My heart is with you, I hope you bump into ‘the one’ meant for you.
Thank you. I'm now in a loving relationship.
It's amazingly frustrating and demoralizing when you're in a relationship................. And feel so incredibly unwanted, sad and lonely. :(
You did well to escape. Many men are left trapped living a life of despair because of this.
And women 😢
I've lived a life abandoned by the man who claims to love me, but won't touch me.
@@sanlic2968 look up intimacy anorexia 🙏
I wonder how could it even be 😢 @@sanlic2968
@@Alexxx492 far more men tho
After 5yrs married to my high school sweetheart, he felt he had settled to soon and wanted to re live his 20’s, I should had seen the red flags but didn’t listen to the ppl who lovingly told me not to marry him. I was young and naive, but thankfully I was able to re-marry and have a family with another. I have never had contact with my ex, feels like I had a completely different life before.
Anyway I hope you find the right woman for you, you seem like a great guy!
omg. This sounds exactly like what my husband does to me. I consider our relationship "sexless" because it's a battle to get him to be interested in me once a month. Like you, it started out a several times a week and slowly became less and less. Most recently it was three months. And if I dare bring it up and how unhappy it makes me, he says im making things worse. It's awful, but I'm still in it. So happy you got out. It's been 8 years for me.
You matter.
Your needs matter.
Please take the steps that are best for you. And don't wait for someone who won't even communicate to change when they haven't done anything so far.
As few men talk about this there are even fewer women that will discuss it
@@busybecomingmyselfas long as children are not in the picture you are right, otherwise parents have to sacrifice their needs and modern society tells you nothing wrong with breaking up the family for either parents selfish desires over the children.
@@rejectionistmanifesto8836 "staying together for the children" is often the worst thing to do. Children learn by example of what men, women, and relationships are like. It can be better to be 100% of who you should be as a parent 50% of the time than 50% of who you could be 100% of the time.
@@rejectionistmanifesto8836
You are wrong. Children can sense the tension and know when the relationship is love-less or empty. Children are not stupid. You don’t want to set that example. Also, why is a parent “selfish”? Parents are individuals who have their own desires and needs, they have a right to be happy in the most basic way, having that emotional connection.
That's is right there! You hit the nail on the head. "She didn't respect me so didn't find me attractive"
Exactly what happened to me. I gave in too much and it turned her off.
What it sounds like, so she can't respect anybody though. If he's telling his side of the story accurately, what is there not to respect? He paid the bills, treated her like a princess. I just don't think narcissists are capable of respecting anyone.
I am a woman and I can relate to your story. I was conditioned as a child to please others and I was repeatedly put down. I was a good student and that was the only thing that gave me confidence. Thank you for sharing, you are helping many people. You are a wonderful man, you deserve an amazing woman in your life. I hope you heal and receive the best things in life.
Empathic people want connection and emotional relationship not just sex.
Thank you so much
I think withholding of sex is abuse. It is cruel. This happened to me for over 20 years until I decided to divorce. Just wish I’d done it sooner.
It is absolutely abuse.
It is abuse
Withholding sex is definitely abuse.
It's comparable to withholding food.
There is no concern for life, but it's messing with someone's physiology.
It is a sadistic type of abuse. I went through it as a woman as well and divorced over it in the end, after cheating and other types of abuse. This one was the final straw. Then I met a younger, better looking and amazing man. 🤣🤣🥰🥰😍😍
I believe love is innate.
Thank you for your very honest story! I have heard of so many ‘being used/abused’ female stories, rarely a man’s story. I can clearly see your childhood set you up for not picking up healthy relationships. But what I see beneath that is a sensitive, intelligent man- willing to learn and build his own true life. Hope it all beautifully flowers 🌸🌸
"She didn’t respect me so she didn’t find me attractive" what a line
@@muawia469 many men don't understand how attraction works, and how men and women are different in how they experience it.
@@busybecomingmyself a lesson that i learned about life in general, that respect is much more important than love, and that’s what alot of men fail to understand.
Really happy for you learning from your experience and you earned my respect sharing it online.
Wow, I'm 60 now and still am trying to put all this into words and thoughts- where were you when I was 30. My life could have been so much more fulfilling. Thank you.
You're very welcome. I wish you a fulfilling life now.
There was no RUclips 30yrs ago 😂
30 years ago this guy was a baby 😂
I too, had a very similar childhood. Then married an abusive narcissist and actually stayed for 38 years before finally kicking him to the curb. Don't be too hard on yourself, it happens to many of us; unfortunately.
When I was in my 20’s I read a book called Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. That was one of the best books I ever read and helped me to understand the vast differences between men and women. That’s half of the battle. I was kind of pissed because men and women are so different that it’s almost a cruel joke to expect them to get together in the first place. There’s a balance between the two sexes. We can benefit immensely if we can find the balance. It’s like a dance. You have to communicate well and openly along with the push and pull of finding your equilibrium in order to succeed successfully. Man is it out of this world when you get it right.
Hey man, thank you for having the balls to post this. I think WAY more men are in this exact situation than anyone realizes. Due to the exact reason you stated, being raised by dysfunctional mothers. Thank you for your courage & honesty. I know it took a lot of both to post this.
My BIL openly told us he hasn’t had sex in his marriage for 5 years! I can see how distant his wife is around him. They’re barely together. Something strange is going on.
I too left a marriage for very similar reasons. I’m so grateful I didn’t waste more than a couple years and even more grateful that I did it young. I bounced at 27 and was the best decision I ever made. I’ve had a fun and interesting life since then. I’m 46 years old now. I can’t imagine if I’d not been able to live the great life I’ve had. Don’t waste time on the wrong people everyone. Like Clark Gable said in Gone With The Wind, don’t waste time, that’s the stuff life is made out of.
The only thing that worked in my 23 year marriage was our sex life. The dynamic between couples is always totally unique. I know many women with healthy sex drives and their husbands aren’t “doing” their part. Like attracts like. One has to find that other half, where simply it all harmonizes.
@sonant288? You wrote "was"....does this mean you both got divorced after 23 years? Interesting.
If sex is the only thing that worked, you’re doomed
This is why PARENTING WELL is so important. Our decisions (good or bad) are a DIRECT RESULT of our childhood. Recognize the issues you have, GET HELP WITH THEM in therapy, and make BETTER DECISIONS, and don't repeat what the toxicity and dysfunction that you hated about your childhood with your own children.
Much love to you brother. My wife treated me so badly for so many years. A couple years ago, after our daughter was born, I really started standing up to her. Threatened divorce multiple times. Things are getting better, I am very firm with my boundaries and that is the key. I dont tolerate any bad behavior anymore. There are still issues, but it feels like we're heading down a good path. I still contemplate leaving, but I still believe staying and trying is the right thing. Maybe in the future that will change, and I will always choose what i feel is best for myself and my daughter.
This goes to show how much of a world's difference self esteem and how you view yourself makes. Because this dude is actually super attractive.
It’s really nice to hear a man be vulnerable and so genuine, thank you for sharing ✨
Thank you for your kind words
As a woman, I’m appalled to hear what you went through. I’m glad you got out of this marriage!
My experience was worse. My wife was the total opposite and wanted sex all the time, she was insatiable. I was losing weight with all the hours of sex each week. She started involving another woman from her gym and it was exhausting. In the end I was a broken man and she then brought in the strap on which was demeaning and damaged my body. Eventually I had no choice but to divorce as she refused to admit she had issues and would not visit a therapist. She is now living in an open relationship with two personal trainers from the gym and I'm slowly getting my life and health back.
I stay in a sexless marriage for 10 years because I have two awesome boys and I can see them everyday(instead of half the time) and maintaining 1 house is expensive enough without have to think of maintaining two. She also put on 50 pounds and isn't the kind agreeable person I fell in love with so I don't feel like I'm missing anything. (Marriage/Contracts of adhesion really mess with some women once they got the bag secured because of the state.)
@@grildcheez1504Are you the same person then? Still in the same shape and keep yourself fit? Most people struggle with it when getting older.
Even better shape. Work out. Eat right. Probably why I find it offputting when I see poor discipline. While I grew as a person, she regressed into someone I would never have even been interested in and would like to even know as a person.(not selfish and self-serving). 80% of women end marriages these days. (largely because they put their needs above the needs of the family unit) @@byronic0967
@@grildcheez1504 Sorry, but kind and agreeable sounds like a pushover for me. If you want to stay then at least try to work on the relationship, if there is anything to work on. Even for the kids it's better than having parents barely tolerating each other.
This is insane to me. I’m 26 and just hit the 7 year mark of my relationship. We are currently going to couples therapy and are most likely going to break up because my sex needs haven’t been met for almost the entirety of the relationship. It’s been incredibly hard because we are best friends and have genuine love for each other and it’s always been easy. Needless to say, I had to click on this video because I related so hard. Stay strong everyone ❤️
I'm sorry and I wish you all the best
As a married man, I will tell you it's not going to get any better.Im stuck with children but not happy.
@@xerxesroms4062 I think monogamy should be seen as first dibs, not exclusive rights to make the other person celibate. If someone wants monogamy, you're asking for all the other person's sexual energy to be directed at you. If you don't want to have sex with anyone, fine, your body, your choice. But let the other person find someone to have sex with. The family doesn't need to be destroyed over it.
Do you have kids? How often do you and your spouse have sex?
Sex before marriage kills a loving relationship
I sincerely appreciate your ability to be so open and vulnerable. This is helping many people. ❤
Women can also be in a marriage where their husband doesn’t want to have an intimate relationship with them. In my profession individuals (male and female)often felt very comfortable confiding in me and I can tell you it goes both ways. It saddened me to listen to their stories and the emotional pain they felt.
Some stay in the marriage because there are children and they want to do the right thing: they feel trapped. It is a difficult challenge and as I have aged I recognize I don’t have a “one fits all advice” for people.
Thank you for acknowledging that this happens to women too. I am so embarrassed that i am in that situation.
@@dermlover1 I was too. It was a control devlauing tactic.
@@dermlover1same here. My partner will purpose blow cold and claim busy and do nothing with me but watch TV cause he knows it turns me off and then I won't expect sex. We went on many vacation and it was always me asking him for sex, he would sit across the room from me in a hotel room and even just keep leaving. I am convinced that we married energy vampires who just wanted to steal our time and energy, or they are gay or addicted to porn.
Thank you for sharing your story.
As someone who has a low libido, I've resolved to just remaining single until I find a 'unicorn' that is sexually compatible. And if I don't, then I don't. It's better to be peaceful than hold someone hostage to how I should feel (and viser versa). My ex and I were together for 1 year. We got on like a house on fire on every level! The relationship was amazing! However, over time it became clear that we had different needs from a romantic relationship. It broke my heart when my ex bf thought I didnt love him because I didn't have the same appetite for the amount of sex he craved. I could not convince him that I found him attractive and that I loved him. Without the sex, the relationship meant nothing to him. Our view about sex was simply just different and our libidos made us villians to each other. We even tried couples counseling at some point but it was too late. The damage was done. I blamed myself for a while and still see how I played a role in the breakdown of our relationship. I did also learn a great deal about myself. I think the experience scarred both of us. I'm sure he's happier now with someone else and I hope he is; just as I hope you are.
I have low libido too but when I use rhodiola rosea Im always in a mood
Can someone explain y do people have low libido ? ☹️yes right don’t hold other people hostage in a relationship ,
@@arshiaamreen7853 I don't know hey. I can't speak for everone but I've heard some say stress, anxiety and/or depression can cause it. If that's the case, I can understand why someone would want to 'get their libido back'. But I know for myself, I don't have any of those (or atleast I have not been diagnosed with any clinical concerns). I've just always never had a big craving for sex. I'm 33 now. So maybe some people (like me) just don't have a high sex drive and it's not "a problem to be fixed" about them. Rather, I think it's a matter of sexual compatibility. From experience, it becomes a problem when one is in a relationship with someone who wants more sex than the other person (viser versa).
@@lirekoqhobela4439just saying if you’re on SSRIs or birth control. That can affect your libido, especially in women. Also your health, if you workout and eat healthier, your libido might increase. If you want it too, not everybody needs sex in a relationship.
@@arshiaamreen7853I’ve went from high to no libido with the same guy when he stopped listening to me, didn’t care about what I wanted and wouldn’t even go for a walk with me. He was harsh and judgmental. I missed my best friend’s birthday party because as we drove there we went through an African American family neighborhood and he flipped out, got scared and drove us home. We went on a trip to Yosemite National Park. His comment was that it was just a pile of rocks and he proceeded to smoke pot, really the only time I ever saw him do so. Point is that he left me alone in the relationship.
As someone who grew up in a very similar way, but female, the bad first relationship was a cheater. These are narcissists who have the tenacity and will to break down boundaries and draw the life force off vulnerable partners.
This sounds VERY similar to my marriage, which is in the process of divorce currently. We were married for just over 2 years, but only lived together for 1 year due to visa processing. After 4 months of living together she started withdrawing sex with very similar excuses, being too tired, etc...A huge red flag that helped me to wake up was when she withdrew sex because I had lunch with my parents and let my parents pay for it, and despite the fact that I was paying for nearly everything for our life she said it's proof that I'm a bad husband...because my parents took me out to lunch, lmao. She would use anything as an excuse to belittle and devalue me and then be angry and say that she was too angry for sex. Later I found out that she has all the classic behaviors of a covert / vulnerable narcissist. After listening to your story, I believe at least one of your parents must be a narcissist, and likely your wife was too. Because you had to endure being devalued on a regular basis you developed a people pleaser mentality, wherein you devalue your own self and think that your own existence is not good enough, and put others needs above yours, no matter what. I'm a very different person now, and so are you. We got this! Best wishes to you man.
It's great to hear of another person who went through hell and is now doing much better. Congratulations!
Visa processing?
Obviously a mail order bride lol@@sonofhibbs4425
This must be my first RUclips comment ever. Its totally worth it.
It's wonderful to see a person grow, blooming into this incredible being of you. Thank you for your insight and being so candid of your journey.
This video was sealing all my own learnings, truly grateful for it.
I hope you always get guidance from your soul, intuition- all the answers are just waiting to be dug out.
You are a rolemodel for all the others. Much love and respect.
Be blessed.
Thank you for these beautiful and kind words
I am really sorry to hear what a horrible experience you had, but props to you for developing self-awareness and working on self-development and healing. I was bullied as a child and in consequence I turned into people-pleaser, unfortunately many people took advantage of it....I'm also trying to heal my wounds, I find it so much more peaceful just being single, no more anxiety or stress....
Awareness is the first step towards healing. Keep going. You can do this.
Love your transparency. Your brave and your intelligence, insight and self awareness is commendable. Thanks for this 💕👏🏾
Thank you
I am glad I come across your video. Going through same at age of 38.
The main challenge is to not compromise yourself however you love the person, i admire your courage expressing that
There are still many women, like me, who believe in the sanctity of sex and are not interested in passing it out like candy. You are a good man and a worthy of a good woman.
Thank you. I'm now in a relationship with a really high quality woman who deeply loves me.
It's like your looking for me right we can get you one
Wow. I could have easily written this. Thank God we parted when it was still early but those very same patterns existed in one of my relationships when I was younger. This video is just absolute divine timing. Thank you for your message!
same, I was with someoe for 10 years, we nearly married but I decided against it in the end
Bro, it takes balls to be vulnerable and talk about personal stuff.
Thank you for sharing yours 🙏
There are two sides to every story
We don't know what we do not know until coming across a video such as this that is such invaluable advice. Reading the comments below, it appears your experience struck home with more people than I might have earlier imagined. "the things we do for love" -- is stripped here to the core and shreds the idea of romance many of come to be blinded by not having sufficient real life experience. Much appreciation to Chris, this channel's creator. p.s. how easily we fall into the trap of failing to comprehend our own tremendous abilities and worth.
I struggle with low self esteem and I never made that connection but now that I hear it it makes so much sense...thanks for that
It was heartbreaking to hear this. If someone is making you feel like your not enough they need to get out the way so someone else can come in and treat you like the king you are.
Thanks. I'm now being treated extremely well thankfully.
@@busybecomingmyself I was approached by boys/ men all my life starting from high school. Faced the exact situation as you. Ditto. 7 years wasted. And then he tells me.. I wanted other men. To a girl who stayed virgin till 28. Literally had to beat guys away with sticks. Now I'm finally free from him. Life is precious. Don't waste it on losers who can't be honest about themselves. When we give too much out of feeling worthless (something taught to us by toxic parents) people take us for granted. They think we'll never leave. We have to leave.
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and so transparent about a deeply painful situation. I have been there and suffered through it for eight long years of feeling so ashamed and unworthy of love and intimacy that I dared not tell anybody. I can relate so well to your sense of despair and powerlessness to be trapped in such a marriage. I hope you found the relationship and true intimacy that you have wanted all along.
Wow how honest, raw and succinct. There are thousands of women like you who don't know what a healthy relationship is but are also trying to navigate and walk on the tight rope of desire vs an unhealthily sacrificial relationship whilst being Christian. Often we feel so alone we can't see the wood from the trees. Sharing is a fantastic way to help yourself and others. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for sharing, being a woman in this world It's easy to start to believe there aren't any men left who care about having a true and honest bond in a relationship, I'm glad you exist ❤
Your ability to be vulnerable with the world is beautiful and much appreciated. Although the experiences you’ve been through weren’t something you may have wanted to go through, it still seems as if you allowed yourself to learn and grow through it, which takes extreme courage and willpower. It’s so lovely to see more men choosing to heal, evolve through, and learn from their experiences. You do deserve a sacred love because you are sacredness and worthiness itself. Much love, healing, and continued harmony to you 🤍
You’ve left me feeling inspired to share my story with vulnerability:)
wow! it's really something to think about, hearing this from a man....so very similar to my own experience. i'd never thought about a guy being 'in my shoes'. Def eye opening and a lot of validation here--Very happy you were able to remove yourself from that kind of toxic. Thank you for being so open and honest. Wising u the very best🕊️
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, sad and vulnerable confession.
The void we grow up with, that makes us crave for love and attention, makes us loose ourselves. It was so heartbreaking to hear about yours. I've got such a void, too. Maybe that's why your vid hit close to home and made me cry.
I'm working on therapy on my void. Slowly growing to respect myself. Slowly getting myself back.
I'm glad you got the good relationship you deserve. All the best for you ❤
I wish you the very best on your journey also
Such videos are priceless!!! I've been searching for genuine ones like this. Thanks for this, man
Thanks for transparency - this vid gives me hope that there are still good guys out there. Also, Ill take brutal honesty over any kind of lying any day!
I love this video! So relatable! I struggle the same as a women! 😊 I try to forgive myself for sleeping with men easily when I didn’t know better. We do just want to be loved. I’m here with you on the struggle of self discovery and love. I think we were victims as children and carry that mentally as adults. I try to remember I have choice. Choices are not easy, sometimes all paths have pain. But which on aligns with me is what matters.
Thank you for sharing. I know there will be so many people can relate to not even have of them taking care of themselves as even a thought. So many bad relationships come from people thinking dysfunctional behaviors are normal and not knowing there could be a healthier alternative.
There are many ppl who are raised by wrong parenting and end up in either in wrong relationship or unsuccessful career or becoming depressed in growing yrs and there are children who have been exposed to many different environmental issues and get things done by previously discussed children. You are the classic example of good human being unfortunately raised by wrong parents and manipulated by wrong partners. Past should be in past and see yourself now, how confident, mature, responsible person you are, spreading awareness to ppl and saving their lives ❤
Thank you for these very kind words
Thank you for sharing. So many people struggle from thier childhood wounds in silence
Thanks for listening
Ty for sharing! You sound like a beautiful man inside and out! U think we all go thru our trips and falls in our 20’s. I hope you resolved to not bring your standards down but up to now choose someone who values intimacy and has integrity and commitment. Never lose these things!
In some regard, the thinking that a bloke is "getting lucky" is a myth, it's a mirage. Pushed by testosterone. I'm now 62, been married twice, failed twice for a multitude of reasons. Lived 10 years no sex, trying to make it work, ultimately had it thrown under the bus. Truly a deep level of sadness.
Long story short, I'm working on what's left of my life, not expecting any miracles. ALONE..... peace and quiet.
Good luck guys. There's no easy answers.
Hang in there man. There's more to life than women, but when a man lives without sex, it's not easy. I've been there. Exercise, experience nature, travel, go to movies, play music, swim..
Try Jesus
Try looking into "childhood emotional neglect". It's where our relationship patterns start.
As a woman I lived in a sexless marriage and felt much of what you described. I felt worthless. Sad. Lonely. Now that I’m free, I am much happier.
@Katrn30 One problem I have is that I feel I have so much love to give. But have much difficulty in finding anyone to share with. 😕
Dang. This is a cautionary tale for me about how bad things could have become. My wife started cutting me off and after about 2 months I stopped "asking". I basically told her that if she wasn't going to have sex with me then I wasn't going to show much concern for any of her needs either. Somehow she thought that was unfair. Happily, I just stopped caring. Rather than pursue sex with me she pursued a divorce. She mistakenly thought that I'd beg her not to go through with it and she'd keep cutting me off but I was ALL TOO HAPPY to leave. Funny thing is that when I called her bluff she tried to put the brakes on but it was too late. She'd given me a golden parachute and I took it. I'll never ever get married again. GFs don't play those games because they know you'll leave.
Scary. This could have been my post....
Sex isn't a need. It's a want. You won't die without sex. You'll die without food/water, not sex. You need to get this in your head or you'll be perpetually miserable
@@xxxxOS That's a stupid point. Wives aren't a need, jobs aren't a need, if we're going by maslow there are very few things that are. But, if we're going by maslow a NEED for fulfillment is a sense of belonging. That's where sex comes in.
@@xxxxOS Sex is absolutely a biological need. Some people may need more, others less, but generally men need it often. I think we all can make a personal decision to not have it and keep our bodies under control but it takes a lot of discipline and we cannot be exposed to anything of that nature. For virgins it's easier than for someone who has already had it.
@@yanise1625 I disagree. I can have a wank. I probably only hook up with 2 or 3 women a year because I dont want to date much. I'm plenty happy going months without sex.
It’s comforting to know someone else had a nearly identical experience. I’m 2 years out of mine and still working through the damage of feeling undesirable for so long.
I’m very glad you are realizing your self worth. And it’s ok to be upfront with potential mates that you are looking for something long term. You’re doing great keeping it real. Good luck in your quest for the happy ever after.
Absolutely shocking to hear your story and read so many comments from men and women who have went through the same thing. This is nothing short of abuse and manipulation. 😢 I hope you all know the abuse says something about them as a person and nothing about you and your value. It's hard to believe that, but it's true. They will treat their next victim in the same manner. Your identity and value is not in your bad marriage. Don't make it your identity and don't accept the lies! May you find love, peace, and happiness. 💛
I just found this video and oh my goodness, just almost identical upbringing even though we come from different parts of the world, the social pressure, religious background and the never-ending conditional love by my parents. The lack of acceptance by my family for who I am as a person but rather treated as one of their possession, resulted in extremely low self esteem blindly called as "being shy". That moreover resulted in my lack of ability to correct asses any advances or even slight emotions showed towards me thinking that this is the best thing I could ask for. It is still an ongoing battle even to this day (I am in my 40s now) constantly discovering myself, my worth and what exactly is my purpose in this world.
I'd like to thank you for sharing this with the world. It's not easy to be vulnerable and brave to tackle this part of your live and talk about it. Wishing you nothing but the best. You're absolutely worth it! 💚
I am so sorry you were tormented by this woman. I would love to find a man like you. May all your dreams be about to come true. Keep going! She’s out there!
I love open women like you your open you need a man
Men where are you here is a queen who needs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Where are you from and how can we get your number
This is why moms need to be good to thier sons. They pick women like their moms
So if you don’t want to worry about your son, teach him what love and respect look like BY RESPECTING HIM
Moms are a big part of the problem. Especially single moms. Look up "devouring mother syndrome" They unconsciously hobble their sons so they will be unattractive to women and will never leave the nest.
Agree!!
Also, Mums and Dads need to teach sons what to look for in a suitable wife. Character traits to look for or flaws that are a red flag.
No. I did not and never have been with a woman that’s anything like my mum. I’ve heard people say this before and as far as I can tell it’s complete bs…and creepy af.
You’re very self aware and able to handle your challenges well. Hats off to you!
Thank you :)
Seventeen years ✋ The reason they don't respect you is ironically precisely because you chose them and you credit them with decency and goodness. But they know what they are.
Agree
@@tjatkinson88 The very fact that you trust them makes you contemptible in their eyes.
Narcissist
Im a fucking idiot
We don’t respect men who are door mats. Your self esteem is so low you don’t vet your partner or set expectations & standards for them to rise up to. You didn’t really choose us. You settled for us. I have enough decency not to choose that man back. But I know women who will use you back because they already feel like you’re using them too.
This video is heartbreaking. I think most people feel this way - they are looking for intimacy both physical and emotional. You seem really sincere and I hope you find someone who genuinely cares for you.
Thank you. My current girlfriend is great.
She said this is really enlightening and a lot of people are going through and it’s honest and it’s real and it needed to be said. I’m so grateful that you found yourself and respecting yourself enough to say I’m better than this and I’m worth more than what I’m receiving. Good for you.
"You just set us back 6 months." says a lot. SHE was appointing herself monitor of where you BOTH were. That's not just cold, what a mysterious timeline. I don't know why youtube put this in my path because I'm a female who has a near 30 year good marriage, but this is interesting. I am glad you got out of it. You deserve to be in a relationship WITH someone, not waiting for someone.
One of the traits of a narcissistic relationship is to withold affection and intimacy
Do you have links?
False. Sex is not important in a relationship, what is important is true love and communication. Many people don’t have sex anymore when they grow older which is normal. Also, some people are asexual meaning they don’t want sex. Also, some women deal with birth defects in their vagina meaning sex will be very very painful for them and not enjoyable. Or they have to deal with the condition Vaginismus. All this leads to sexless marriage for a lot of men eventually. Porn made you think sex is so essential, but many men survived without it. Just hugging and kissing and cooking together etc. Can be enough.
@@truehappiness4U you don't get to tell other people what is and is not important in a relationship. Just because it isn't important to you it doesn't mean it isn't important to another person. Marital fidelity doesn't mean making sure the other person can't be happy.
And plenty of couples continue to have sex well into old age.
I find narcissistic personality to be give me sex or else I will leave you or kick you out of the house.
@@truehappiness4U so true some will measure how many times their wife gives them sex and will kick them out if they refuse few times. If people think sex is an obligation in marriage better don't marry. I would never tell my loved one give me sex or else I will leave you or else kick you out basically legal prostitution
This speaks to me differently at 29 keeping myself for marriage and seemingly never finding the right person. Wanting a family, wanting kids but just seemingly out of reach. I thought I had a lot of love to give but watching this I had to ask myself if I really do? Will I be different when I finally settle with someone? I really want to oh I pray I am and I hope the person I am keeping myself for will be worth the wait.
I think this is a great decision and God will provide, I trust in this.
@@lydiaj5894 Amen
Thing is ....in life nothing is ever promised.Love is a risk.Good luck out here.
@@forevermoss4007 thanks
You’re not alone. Lots of people, men and women choose the wrong life mate. I did. Two decades of loneliness and dysfunction are hard to accept as my reality but that’s what happened.
I'm sorry you also went through that. I hope life is better for you now.
Ueah, I dealt with that for eight years. She left when her mom died. She freaked out and ran off to a HS boyfriend who already had two kids. They got married and he ended up getting a third woman pregnant. Now shes with a guy who looks like a slug. It was the worst of times and I thought it was the best of times because its just how she was, I thought. Men will tolerate so much out of goodness and honor but we can't allow ourselves to be run over.
Find Jesus
You poor baby. Please find Jesus and love, real love will follow
Male friends will also cheat with your spouse. I rarely trust people in general anymore.
You are so brave talking so openly about a common problem many men have. Bravo!!!
Thank you for being so brave to share this very personal, difficult part of your life. I've been in a sexless marriage for 13 years. We waited to have sex until we were married and then 3 weeks in, everything changed. I finally moved out on Labor Day. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone.❤️
Congratulations on starting the rest of your life. I hope my other content will be useful to you in doing the work to rebuild your life. My life now is better than I ever could have imagined thankfully.
Why'd you wait 13 years????? Seriously, 13 years! You stayed celibate until marriage, so the deal was broken, time to leave.
@@rockon8174 many people were thoroughly trained that they didn't deserve any better. Please try not to judge people whose situations you have no awareness of.
You're a good-looking, well-versed guy. You deserved better than your "wife."
I am surprised too…. He is good looking not sure why his ex didn’t want intimacy
@@isaacyomost women don’t realise what they have until it’s too late. Many are selfish too as witnessed here.
@isaacyo not about looks it's about feelings.
He’s really handsome
Not to be rude but his hair is thinning, hair is life, going bald is just your hair divorcing you. 99.999… percent of women find balding men unattractive, and majority of men don’t respect bald men. He’s handsome, but not desirable to alot of women or people. That’s just… the reality, don’t like it, don’t reply.
Wow.....it sounds like you are telling my story. Thank you for sharing so that I realize I am not alone.
If a smart, handsome and well spoken man like this isn’t getting any in a marriage then we as men really need to ask if the risk is even worth it.
It's always 2 sides to every story
He’s not that attractive
It is if you find someone who is sexually compatible. I almost never refuse my husband sex, even if I’m really tired. The way I see it is a quickie is better than no action at all 🤷♀️😅
Thank you so much for sharing this. You're amazing. Love to see such good men on their healing journey
Great video and man's point of view. Lovely that you were able to share your difficult story. 🤗 Best of luck now because now you know what you wont tolerate in a relationship. Some people are just lessons, some very painfull leassons, some people are our teachers and some are pure blessings.
Thank you. I think there are a lot of men thinking like you. More women should watch this. Women who are saying „all men are the same“. We are all humans, needing love, affection and a healthy relationship. The more we heal, the more beautiful the relationships become. 🙏🏽✨
Sounds like my first marriage. I spent 15 years in a sexless marriage. My life was centered around trying to make her happy. Nothing I did was good enough. “If you would do X, Y, Z I would be in the mood.” I would do that only to be told “If you would do A, B, C I would be in the mood.” My life was being constantly criticized and withholding of sex as a weapon. I also ignored the red flags before we got married. It took 15 years for me to break.
Thankfully I met another woman who understands the importance of physical intimacy including sex. Over a decade later and we have a solid relationship of mutual respect and gratitude (and an active sex life). My relationship with my second wife is everything I had ever hoped for with a woman. I am the happiest I have ever been with her and the children she has given me.
I'm happy that you turned around your life. Thanks for sharing.
Am in a dating hiatus while I prepare for the marriage I want. Your video is helpful. Thank you. It seems like I need to learn more than just manifest picture perfect union.
Every time a guy I know claims to be in a sexless marriage it turns out he was the only one in the marriage not having sex.
Perhaps. Never had evidence. She was chronically dishonest so I wouldn't be surprised.
True story
*Or a woman! It happens the other way around too, you know?
Nah not for tons of guys. Woman will cut that part of their life out. Just to punish you maybe they’ll cheat one day if the opportunity comes up but they become so grumpy after having kids it’s like they hate men. Most moms hate the life of being a mom.
@@iloveyoufromthedepthofmyheartbarely
I feel you. It’s not your fault for every abuse you’re subjected to. The good news is… You’ve acknowledged the dysfunction and your healing is your responsibility as a conscious adult.
Congrats of becoming busy becoming your truest authentic self despite what happened to you.
Unlearning old patterns and letting go of our childhood beliefs is also important because when you come from a dysfunctional family can make choose familiar patterns from the opposite sex.
People pleasing is something that most of us has to heal from too.