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- Опубликовано: 22 апр 2024
- Dr. Kirk reacts to your comments!
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The Psychology In Seattle Podcast ®
Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
Disclaimer: The content provided is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing here constitutes personal or professional consultation, therapy, diagnosis, or creates a counselor-client relationship. Topics discussed may generate differing points of view. If you participate (by being a guest, submitting a question, or commenting) you must do so with the knowledge that we cannot control reactions or responses from others, which may not agree with you or feel unfair. Your participation on this site is at your own risk, accepting full responsibility for any liability or harm that may result. Anything you write here may be used for discussion or endorsement of the podcast. Opinions and views expressed by the host and guest hosts are personal views. Although, we take precautions and fact check, they should not be considered facts and the opinions may change. Opinions posted by participants (such as comments) are not those of the hosts. Readers should not rely on any information found here and should perform due diligence before taking any action. For a more extensive description of factors for you to consider, please see www.psychologyinseattle.com
Timestamps
0:01 Love Is Blind - Bean Dip Analysis - Season 6 #90
5:25 Love Is Blind - Confronting Trevor - Season 6 #91
12:45 Love Is Blind - Clay Makes Me Cry - Season 6 #93
14:50 Love Is Blind - Not My Best Moment - Season 6 #94
37:00 Love Is Blind - Confronting Chelsea - Season 6 #95
43:00 Love Is Blind - Confronting Matthew - Season 6 #98
43:50 90 Day Fiancé - (Last Resort #53) - The End
48:12 90 Day Fiancé - (Last Resort #54) - Final Thoughts
54:40 Natalia Grace #14 - (Monster)
56:16 Wrap up - heading into a slower youtube time, Dr Honda's plans
Thanks!
I love how this channel feels like a secret little club
💜
That you have to pay for.
@@Carissa99Xoso worth it! 😊
@@Carissa99Xo you dont have to pay but its super worth if you want more of this kind of content!
no fr
Just want to say we completely support you taking more time for things outside the channel Dr. Honda! You do more than enough for your viewers, you really, really do! 🙂
Woohoo! Hour long video with Dr. Honda sharing his thoughts and feelings related to comments? Perfect thing to listen to on the drive home
Thank you for talking occasionally about feminism and its value. I have found and been forwarded several articles about how feminism is no longer needed in American society; we are equal. I have found a lot of success and community in the military as well as in my current aerospace career. Even so, there is a low, but significant number of events, where I feel ignored or not taken as seriously as my male counterparts. I believe that continued feminist ideas and education are still necessary to improve individual attitudes toward women and the culture in general. I appreciate it again that you talked more in this video about how people don’t naturally change, they need to have advocacy.
Maybe this is a weird comparison to make, but your comments about how to respond to deflection reminds me a lot of how I was trained as a 911 dispatcher to respond to a distraught caller.
If someone was so distressed that they were unable to listen to my directions or answer my questions, our protocol was to reassure the caller that help was on the way (and that staying on the phone wasn’t delaying the response of police, EMS, firefighters, etc.), followed by quietly repeating the question or instructions several times until the caller was able to comply.
Most new dispatcher’s instinct was to raise their voice or rephrase their question in order to get through to a caller, but getting louder in response to someone that’s yelling usually just results in them getting even louder. Calm, quiet repetition would often trigger something in the caller’s brain to lower their voice to try and focus on trying to hear what they’re being told/asked.
It might seem like a stretch (and maybe it is), but thinking about the similarity between Dr. Kirk’s instructions to responding to deflection versus the training emergency dispatchers receive made me think about the similarity between a distressed caller and a person being accused of something negative i.e. hurting someone’s feelings and being called out for it. For some people, hearing that someone feels hurt by them or that they did something “bad” could really trigger an emergency response in their brain that would lead to deflection, yelling, denying, etc.
I’m sure that someone like Dr. Honda or even many of his listeners might be thinking, “duh” 😂, because he’s explained this in similar terms in the past, but for some reason, this was a light bulb moment for me.
Have a great day, everyone!
I would love in depth commentary on to be effective with people who have strong reactivity around flaw shame
Yeah, those principles apply to lots of situations, for sure. Thanks for sharing your expertise.
I'm an ER doc here in SF & I listen to you when I need to feel like the world is ok. Thank you for what you do.
Thanks for responding to my comment! Glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself for the next while ☺️
Whoever asked about his notes, thank you!! I have been wondering the same thing. Dr Honda is a whiz! My “notes” are about as organized as my ADHD brain. Which is not at all 😂
The online community is ABSOLUTELY NOT in agreement with the person claiming it was absolutely wrong for Jimmy to stay friends with someone he had sex with!!! A lot of us are actual adults and recognize that men have inhibitions and self-control! I'm so tired of this emotionally immature narrative that people who've had sex can't be just friends. What is this, high school?? Get over it.
100% with you on this one.
I don’t agree with those insisting it’s wrong to be friends with an ex or someone they’ve had a sexual relationship with, but I think the commenter’s point is that the people that don’t see a problem with it are a small minority, unfortunately.
I think that if someone is uncomfortable with their partner being friends with someone they used to have a romantic or sexual dynamic with can also be reasonable, so long as they’re clear and upfront with their partner about their expectations and boundaries. The person presenting that boundary would need to be aware of and okay with it being a dealbreaker for their partner and understands that it might result in the end of their relationship.
The big problem I had with Chelsea’s “boundaries” is that Jimmy appeared to be upfront and honest with Chelsea about his friend, and she appeared to be okay with it and even compared it to her being friends with her ex. Later, when she was feeling insecure, she pretty much weaponized it and did a 180 on what she had previously said on camera. That said, since Jimmy told her off camera about that relationship, maybe she was supportive of him having female friends and then afterwards, she was given the information about him having slept with one of them, and no longer shared that sentiment? Either way, she clearly has a lot to work through.
Just wanted to say this because I think a lot of people probably are uncomfortable with the concept and I don’t feel like those people should necessarily just have to “get over it”. There’s a reasonable, fair way to set that boundary if needed or wanted. We just didn’t see that with Chelsea and Jimmy.
What is this “THE online community”? I don’t think that’s a thing…
First of all wtf is the online community? Second of all, no we don’t. Not everyone should agree to be in a relationship where people are friends with their ex partners. There’s different people and different cultures everywhere in the world, if being friends with your ex isn’t something that floats your boat you can expect for your future partner to not have that as well. If you aren’t friends with the opposite sex, which mind you, is apparent in a lot of cultures around the world, you can expect that from your future partner as well. Not everyone needs to follow whatever western culture you’re following.
@@san7043 honey, it's not called western culture. It's called being a mature adult and honestly not being misogynistic. Thinking women and men can't be friends has a LOT to do with misogyny. Did you listen to Dr Honda's explanation? Of course you can disagree. Just know that you're immature in your belief. And not wanting to be friends with your ex and DEMANDING that your partner isn't friends with THEIR ex are two VERY different things. You don't get to set other people's boundaries. You get to set your own. And a friend you've had sex with isn't an ex. Grow. Up.
13:15 I would like to enthusiastically support Dr. Honda's rebuttal of 'no show' socks. YES they do migrate under the foot, every time I've tried them, and then not only do you have pain when walking because there's fabric balled up weirdly under your foot, but your sneakers still get sweat in them. This whole 'flashing your ankles' fashion is madness and must be stopped!
😂
I only wear short socks in the summer and if you get the size right and the socks are not too old (the elastic in good condition) they stay totally in place. However, they are not "no-show", they are anckle socks. Shorter than regular short socks but there is still a bit of sock showing. They just have a less sporty look than short socks or long socks that cover the anckle fully.
I'm going to miss the daily content but I'm glad you're not burning yourself out and taking care of yourself! Cuz you deserve it! You really really do!
33:27 this discussion is so, so helpful to me. I recently found myself in frequent contact with someone who required a very thoughtful approach like this and your roadmap is great
Dr. Honda!! I really hope you see this. I just discovered this crazy situation from the show “smothered” of a mom with three daughters only caring for one of them, making her the moms “twin, and only referring to the other two sisters as “the sisters” because she doesn’t care enough to call them by their names. She’s a crazy pageant mom on top of everything. I would LOVE to see you watch and react to it! It’s honestly hard to watch, hard not to get pissed off at the mom.
I see your comment!
I'll try to check it out!
@13:30 in regards to the no show socks possibly slipping down under the foot, most of them now have a little silicone or rubber dots on the inside where the heel goes so it stays in one place. It sounds uncomfortable but you really dont feel it at all. Hope that further clarifies things lmaoo, if u look up for ex. Vans no show socks you'll see what i mean. I think the trend has a lot to do with wearing pants that are tight to where crew socks wont fit under the pant leg or you'll see the imprint of the sock which looks weird/bulky
OMG, with the passive/agressive example, you have perfectly described the "crazy making" situations I've been through with my ex partner. He did appear, and was recognized by everyone around us, as the nicest, warmest man on earth and yet, these situations went on and on for years, almost daily in the end. I've felt confused and aggravated more times than I can count and he would always blame me for being too emotional or ruining the mood. The repetition of these situation did an immense amount of psychological damage on me. On the very few occasions where he would be overtly (verbally) agressive, he would admit why he did and the reason was jarring to me. It always pointed to a narcissitic wound, like when asking an open question too lightly, "as if it was not obvious that HE knows the answer". I still struggle to understand if this qualifies as abusive since there was no clear control component to it. He just felt justified to "stick it to me" for hurting his extremely fragile intellectual ego, even though he was an extremely intelligent man. Gosh, am I relieved to be out of this relationship though.
Wow, I recognize most of the comments!
Me too! I feel like such an insider. I’ve been so addicted to his vids everyday and reading the comments
5:04 I love note taking, I think the process you described is pretty similar to zettelkasten where you take notes on a material and then condense it down to evergreen takeaways
Ooo, there's a word for it??
1:00:19 Dr Honda is friend zoning us lol, best day ever.🤣
That was hilarious 😅
Ha! It was late when I recorded that.
Thank you for enriching my morning routine for the past several weeks, Dr Honda!
Aw thanks, Nellie. Yeah, we've all been a part of each other's daily lives.
Hi Dr. Kirk! I loved your Love Is Blind -series, loved it so much and it gave me so much! Could you maybe do some sort of analysis of series on Netflix called "Baby Reindeer"? It's based on true events and I think a therapists' view would be really good as there is so much going on about trauma etc...?
yes! i really want to see this too! that series was so disturbing but also a very realistic look at trauma/ shame/ boundaries.
Watching now. Oof.
0:30 Ugh. That sounds so horrible for a girl to be picked on like that. 😢
In my high school it was snapping the back of the bras, I developed late and didn’t wear one so when they couldn’t find it they started laughing at me and bullying me even more.
As a former "gifted kid" that is highly sensitive, I think that Dr. Honda is gifted too.
Every therapist should be like Dr Honda who seems to actually put himself in the shoes of people from completely different backgrounds to him and empathises with everyone. Unfortunately, not every therapist is able to do this/wants to do it and in some countries, the criteria to become a counsellor/therapist really isn't strict enough. These people deal with vulnerable people from all backgrounds/races so should definitely be assessed thoroughly to ensure they can deal with ALL people properly without bias before they are given that license, but unfortunately that's really not the practise in some places. This should be a basic requirement before any person is able to become a licensed therapist. He seems to have this quality naturally as part of his personality but you can also see that this trait definitely has been even further emphasised with his years of experience so he can understand different people/situations in more depth.
ohhh i just learnt something super important lol omg you sometimes are just talking and it's like a huge revelation for me! (the actual feeling hurt/fear behind an interpretation)
Please share your thoughts on the Netflix miniseries Baby Reindeer!
Watching now. My goodness.
Pretty sure giving a sex tape to a kid is illegal, Trevor.
42:00 about being friends with an ex: some cultures see this as a normal thing. Within the lesbian community it's very common to be friends with your exes.
Re: Trevor topic. You defined for me exactly why I had a very isolated PTSD situation watching the Queer Ultimatum. At the reunion it came out seeing how the person had stated what happened during the downtime and no one helping manage what is so clearly obvious abuse to me personally. Jumbled thought here but I remember being on Reddit and then here to process what that was.
Update: 3rd listen. Passive Aggressive fits my mother perfectly. I have been fighting this behavior from myself since childhood.
Psa about the socks 😂😂 so they usually have a little silicone patch right about the heel to keep them on, when I was younger it was a fashion “no go” for your socks to show! mine usually stayed on, but at unfortunate times it would migrate 😂😂😂🐍 even tho I hated them at the time, I felt like I had to fit in, so there ya go 👾😂
0:26 I'm waiting for the out of context recap that fanpage does. 😅
Uh oh... :)
To answer your no show sock question, possibly, yes.
The elastic in the no show sock does eventually wear out and their ability to remain above your heel vastly diminishes. So you're either stuck walking on lumpy sock wads OR buying new socks more often
I do personally prefer the no show look. But I can admit they're not perfect
Wow you are very diligent with your notes. I’m a scientist and never really take notes of the literature I read. I have everything in categorize in my mind, which is not a great system 😅
I’m slowly learning that isn’t a great system. I work at NASA and as I get older it’s harder to recall everything instantly. Ugh.
@@heftyhefty_ You work at NASA??? Jealous. Email me via the website! I need to know.
@@PsychologyInSeattle For 12 years now! Mentally its like any job... "ugh I have to go to work" ick still happens. Every now and then I remind myself to take a step back and remember I'm part of team sending people and science experiments to space. :) I can send you an email and happily mail you some swag.
But didn't Jimmy say just before Chelsea's revelation, that he will not limit contact with that woman in question?
I love your break downs of each episode, I went to see your commentary on the season 1 episodes and it seemed less detailed. Would you ever consider going more in depth on those episodes like you did for this season? Maybe that’s not the best use of your time but I’d certainly watch. :)
Sorry- Love is Blind, in case that wasn’t obvious.
Yeah, Stacy just reminded me about this - that I only made a few episodes for the entirety of season one, which makes sense because I had ample reason to believe that no one would be interested in my thoughts. Yeah, geez, I would love to re-watch that season and comment with more depth. I would love to do a lot of things like that - like the way I reviewed couples that resembled Chelsea and Jimmy. But I'm guessing I won't have the time. Too many goals... so little time.
16:56 deflecting. Once you told also : I can hear you and we will come back to this topic in a minute but right now lets talk about my point. Sth like that but with my toxic ex narcissist didn't work 😂 actually nothing worked 😊
Yeah, if the other person refuses to play ball, there's little one can do.
Can you react to Baby Reindeer? Love your channel!
Watching now!
@@PsychologyInSeattle Hooray! Would also LOVE your feedback on it, such a fascinating and well done show, imo
WHY??? WHY????? Why did I feel so sad at the end?😭 The ending felt like a godbye😢
On the other side, I am really happy that he is taking some WELL DESERVED time!!
Thank you Dr. Kirk Honda🫡
Yeah, I feel sad too. For sure. But I'll be at it again soon. And I love doing this sort of thing, so I'm not going anywhere.
It was interesting to hear about your system!
And l believe Trevor.
Wait what. Release sex tapes? That's awful.
Yes, the sock style gives me chills.
ha! Very concise comment.
Please respond to the Watcher videos!!
46:40 Polish Feminism 🙌
Please respect differences in preferences for heterosexual male and female friendships. Just because someone thinks it's not okay, doesn't mean it's childish. This is really the one thing that has really been bothering me about these videos. Respect differences please.
Why are you not okay with women and men being friends?
Please go watch the Viall Files interview!!! Dr Honda- we know so much more about the real Jimmy!!!! So much more context now- I know you like to be in the know… and you are so far out of the know at this point. Saying that in the kindest way possible…. Its really starting to make me feel anxious (I wont say gas-lit) hearing your out of date take on things now that we have heard both of them in the same interview in their own words describing what really went on! Please DR HONDA!
Well he’s just using these people as a jumping point, he’s not really making any claims about what really happened. Also it’s difficult to comment on something he hasn’t seen yet. Maybe he will see it later or no and comment
Yeah I was frustrated at his recap and felt like he needed to rewatch the argument. Jimmy says Chelsea never asked her to take a step back chelsea says "I did...." and it sounds like she was going to say but he never heard/listen to her but Jimmy cuts her off. I think Chelsea goes to the extreme in these arguments because he doesn't validate her feelings and as a result I think she is saying extreme things in the heat of the moment that she doesn't believe. It's not like Chelsea ever said he can't be friends with so and so or he can't go out ever. I think she's a reasonable person who would negotiate these things - and unlike people of preoccupied abusive behavior I tend to give the benefit of the doubt that she would not repeat these patterns the way that is suggested otherwise. She's also friends with her ex (having friends with an existing not against her values) and she's still friends with Jimmy. Wouldn't it be more likely they'd want nothing to do with her if she was thus awful controlling person?
Great points @@samanthas8340
45:28 *"Feminism was great for us women in the work force, but it destroyed our love lives." By LA's Dr. Pat Allan.*
.
I wonder if it ruined Dr Kirk and Stacey's love life. Dr Pat seems to have that weird masculine/feminine duality ideology
That quote seems to imply that a 'love life' is not possible without oppression of women? Because the goals of feminism is equality. Speaking personally, partners who saw us as equals were the best for my love life. So, yeah, f that quote.
43:07 how did you know the correct pronunciation of my name?! I’m impressed 😅🥹
I'm pronounced it correctly? Oh good.