People Will Misjudge You Unless You Manipulate Them | Big Think.
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- Опубликовано: 5 авг 2024
- People Will Misjudge You Unless You Manipulate Them
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"Perception is tricky," explains Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, an associate director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia Business School. There's this notion that the way we see ourselves is the way others see us as well - not true. In her book No One Understands You and What to Do About It, she talks about the two phases of perception: automatic and thoughtful. People rarely try to move past that first phase where people have a "gist" of who you are as a person - most of the time, that's all they want. Halvorson explains some of the barriers that hinder people from going into that second phase and looking at you as a more nuanced person.
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HEIDI GRANT HALVORSON:
Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of motivation. She is the Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia Business School, Senior Consultant for the Neuroleadership Institute, and author of the best-selling books:
Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals, Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World for Success and Influence (co-written with E. Tory Higgins), and The 8 Motivational Challenges.
Halvorson is also a contributor to the Harvard Business Review, 99u, Fast Company, WSJ.com, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
In addition to her work as author and co-editor of the highly-regarded academic book The Psychology of Goals (Guilford, 2009), she has authored papers in her field’s most prestigious journals, including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, European Journal of Social Psychology, and Judgment and Decision Making. She has received numerous grants from the National Science Foundation for her research on goals and achievement.
HGH is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and was recently elected to the highly selective Society for Experimental Social Psychology. She gives frequent invited addresses and speaks regularly at national conferences, and is available for speaking and consulting engagements, primarily in education, marketing, and management. She received her PhD in social psychology from Columbia University.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Heidi Grant Halvorson: One of the challenges I think that we need to face head on when we think about how we come across to other people is really understanding that perception is tricky and that for your perceiver, the person who’s trying to understand you, it’s really kind of an uphill battle. They’re operating on very little information trying to get the right, accurate image of you. But the good news is that the kinds of mistakes that perceivers make are very predictable. It’s not random. We know a lot about the kinds of signals a person sends and how they tend to be perceived by other people. President Obama, when he was running for reelection, had his first debate with Mitt Romney and he went into it, according to everything that was said afterwards, he had gone into it really trying to seem presidential and not wanting to rise to debate, kind of trying to take advantage of the fact that he was coming in as an incumbent president. And it turned out that at the end of it people who were in the audience, even people who were fans of President Obama, thought that he had come across as lethargic, as disengaged, wondering if he had had enough sleep that night. And afterwards he was really quite surprised when he spoke to his aides to find out how poorly he had done because he really thought he was very successfully coming across as above the fray and presidential when, in fact, he was actually seeming sort of out of it. And so you can think if someone like President Obama who’s really a gifted orator and has a lot of experience trying to come across to other people in a particular way, if he can be so wrong about how he’s coming across, then it’s obviously pretty easy for the rest of us to make the same mistake.
We tend to think that other people are really paying attention, really trying to understand us. I mean most of the time they’re happy to just get the gist of you and the gist can be totally wrong. The first phase of perception, what Kahneman calls system one thinking,......
To read the transcript, please go to bigthink.com/videos/heidi-gra...
I began to feel like I was being upsold on something rather than being given any actual information.
If someone is "trying to come across" as trustworthy, friendly, competent, caring, etc. then that is a strong indication that they are severely lacking in the quality in question. The best advise is to just relax and be yourself. People who are fake are typically found out very quickly, and then they loose all credibility.
Eugene Khutoryansky I disagree that they're usually found out very quickly. Look at American CEOs and politicians. Nine out of ten of them have less individuality or personal character than a carpenter ant.
They are only found out quickly by people who have an IQ above 130 or so. Intelligent people can spot it right away. Not everyone is intelligent. Most people are artificial and like to show off. Most are extroverted and open their mouths very quickly, deceiving people through charisma. The average IQ in most countries is 99. An orangutan can have an IQ of 90.
Non sequitur. This is such an absurd comment.
We play this game here with the YT comment section. Your choice of avatar and writing style indicate how you want others to perceive you. Sometimes it works and sometime not so much. My avatar is Pogo, a comic strip 'possum from the 70's. I picked it because of his most famous quote: *We have met the enemy and he is us!* Unfortunately, most see the funny-looking critter tipping his hat and conclude I am a child.
Ken Van Item What do you see in mine?
Ken Van Item More to that, what do you see in MINE? :)
Ken Van Item Whoops, I shouldn't have chimed in.
Lord Marcus Someone who rightfully doesn't give jackshit about a friggin' avatar
***** Gamer
What's the name of the book? "Con Artistry For Dummies"?
Does she advice Clinton, the democratic nominee, or something? I have a feeling Clinton is voraciously looking for ways to improve her image because she just can't compare to Obama in that regard. This focus on superficiality is really unique to U.S. politics. In other developed countries, presidents are voted more on practicality and ideology. For instance, you have Angela Merkel in Germany who has little charisma but is just extremely effective in getting things done. I think it's always the case that the people who are most competent are never the most charismatic.
***** Even so, every leader needs at least a little air of power/confidence, or charisma if you like, to get into power.
wishcraft4u2 It's very naive to expect any bit of honest agenda in politics. Politics is much worse than that. Not unless you up the intelligence of the populace, can we finally expect honesty. This is why free and mandatory college education is necessary. Unfortunately, Americans believe in the freedom to be stupid.
wishcraft4u2
I don't get what you said, but it seems interesting. Must get someone to translate the terms and complicated words before I forget it.
"People will probably make vague generalizations about you when you meet them."
Thnx lady. Had no idea. I will totally buy your book.
She explains the Book "thinking fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman. Nobel Prize Winner for Economics
This episode really wasn't ground braking or anything. as everyone else is pointing out, this is very common knowledge. It is nice to take a step back and examine life's little particulars, i get that. Here i feel we are just overcompensating and forgoing the countless other particulars in the human psyche.
wheelman220 was it just me, or did she explain how others should form judgements of others better? not actually how to get people to misjudge you less, as the title suggested... badly worded title as well.
I thought I was going to get actual information but I clearly misjudged this video.
Big Think Should these videos really be marketing videos for peoples books? Can't they go on tonight show to do that?
John Labandera I will check that out.
These perceptions are also extremely Western. In the United States, sincerity is such a political liability that any candidate who employs it is called a "fringe candidate". Only the politically savvy who recite meaningless agreeable mantras can build the charisma needed to win an election. The candid, the inspired, the disciplined; they are considered un-electable.
This video made me question my entire life when I came to meeting new ppl. Looking back, I probably sold myself terribly. No wonder I'm single :(
Alone. Forever :(
I like this idea. This really made me question how I myself come across to others and how I present my ideas. Thank you big think for once again opening my mind to new possibilities :)
The best solution is to have no pre-perception of someone. Don't think anything of them, be in the present moment and you will learn the characteristics of a person as you go along.
Eckhart Tolle
This actually explains twitter dramas in a precise way.
It's difficult because if you read her book and go into a situation being like "oh, I'll just do A B and C and then I'll convey X" - even having that attitude in mind will put a hidden agenda in your interaction and will show in your body language.
Years ago, I gave this issue a title Perception Management, before it was even a thing that people discussed. I want to write a book and get the credit for this term.
Phase 1 uses stereotypes to assert ones opinion. Some people find this phase to be pleasantly coinciding with their needs and forego the important part of seeing context and the truth of the individual exceptions that we all are.
This should be a lesson about how to improve our understanding of people, rather than a lesson about how to improve the way we come across to others. This should be the education, not the other way around.
Yes, I manipulate people without them even noticing. Is so much fun.
Sounds to me like this lady spent her life pursuing a wrong direction and is now not only trying to justify it but also trying to convince us this is how it's done. Your soul will speak through your body language. Have genuine intentions and become the person you wish to come across as. The way this person came across was good at lying, maybe even lazy, someone you shouldn't trust.
And which are?
Thanks for the videos!
Its a provocative title, but there is truth to what she says
The title was misleading, but still a good video.
Where can I buy that book?
So if a person is doing this should I do this? What if a person is doing that should I do that? Meh... Fuck it. Goes back to playing video games.
If you are wondering about what are the "right tools" she says at the end, check out jung's cognitive functions, MBTI and socionics
the title mentions manipulation but she, in the video, doesn't; did I miss something?
Personally... i find this kind of thing distasteful and dishonest
... just be yourself
lol
ok let me rephrase "i find the application of this science distasteful and dishonest... Be your natural self, instead of trying to influnce others"
***** If you have to learn how to be yourself, does that not signify a flaw in logic? Are we not who we are before we succeed in persuading someone? We may only be as strong as our weakest link in a community's sense, but must that by default apply to ourselves?
I agree with that, but I'd think it was an inward spiritual journey rather than reliant on external validation.
DiyEcoProjects A politician? Dishonest?
Noooooooooooooo.
I figured it out (a note for those who are looking for the meaning in the video):
They cut the juice part out. I'm sure. She surely did come to a conclusion after the laborious intro that was actually a good intro (!) (...but only if it was just the intro)
Something was edited out like: you have to persuade them... you have to call the attention of people by preparing something that will make them worth some brain work.
Hm? Makes sense ...no?
"Arthur Miller's, 1949 play titled " Death of A Salesman " tells the story of a maturing/fanciful sales representative, Willy Loman, who longs for striking it huge. The incongruity is that his fantasy incomprehensibly, needs to coincide with his yearning for peaceful life. That is the means by which I deciphered this Big Think feature. I, similar to every one of you, are sales representatives; in light of that, we must turn out to be better businesspersons. The essential thing is to know your self person in "The Sale" ...at all times, that is; not to overlook that you are effectively offering yourself and do not turn into "The Sale", that is; to forget that you need to effectively offer yourself. "Being fake " is gradually changing into " Being thoughtful ", and eventually " Being hyper-anticipatory ". That is; perceiving that we have the open door and social-obligation to take a stab at making reality twist to the will of ourselves (hopefully, both sides ought to turn out winning). The problem is in the expectation, i.e. is this going to be utilized to control or to induce? Persuasion ends up being more lucrative on the grounds that a really convincing individual regularly has the best interest of the "client" as a primary concern. This is the life we humans have manufactured for ourselves; to disregard your inward businessperson is to sink into hallucination; grasping your internal
businessperson is to know yourself and eventually give you the capacity to
outfit this force for good or bad (but we know doing good is much all the more remunerating and lucrative).
Why is it that this video has so many dislike? Everything she is saying is true. Why do you think first impressions are so important? Because people rarely bother past them. They are quick to judge and quite frankly... stupid. And if you want people to get a closer impression of the person you are you have to put a lot of effort into showing them to the point where you are actually not being your actual self, but rather an emphasized catalog of the person you are; unless you around them a lot, in which case they have no choice but to get a better understanding of you.
buy my book promotion? no informations at all in this video..
Very interesting idea. I think that i do not come across at all like i would like to come across as.
Why doesn't she just admit that the average person is not intelligent, and that they will respond better to false confidence, smugness, flattery, snark, or threats than actual meaningful conversation?
This is awesome
I feel like she should be trying to research on what motivates people into phase 2 and not marketing a book on how to mimic people who are trustworthy, competent, caring, etc...
Quit acting competent, pick up a book. Quit acting trustworthy, BE trustworthy. Quit acting like you care. If it's something you don't care about, there's a reason.
I think just being yourself should be enough. I think that people don't be enough of who they are. She sounds like she's saying you can pretend to be who you are not for the intent of being who you want to be well guess what...all masks fall off. I usually don't get misjudged nor do I judge people when I meet them. I actually see the bad but I see the good and it's the good that I tend to connect with. The bad will still be there. If I can't accept the bad, then I keep things at arms length. If I can accept the bad then I let you in my inner circle, but one of the bads that I don't like to accept is people who always speak negatively about others. That I hate with the utmost.
People will misjudge you unless you manipulate them? urrggh, that sentence makes me want to thow up. she doesn't understand what she's talking about, people misjudge you when you try to act like someone, rather than be who you are or change who you are. because acting and pretending takes practice and knowledge which IS what she's talking about. so this book seems to be about how to decieve, instead of being misjudged. if anything, it's about prevent people from misjudging you're deception (or act if you will), for anthing else just be yourself. don't like who you, change who you are (don't act it)
I will really have to disagree here, but this is solely based on how i do it.
Yes i do have that automatic understanding of a person but because of what i have later understood from them ive learned that i was actually pretty often very wrong, and i could fairly easily point out in conversations with them that i failed to pick up on a lot of different things.
So ive stopped using that method altogether, i try to actually really listen to what someone is saying and trying to read between the lines (there you will find most of the information) and really take a close look at them when they are speaking or when you are saying something. I find that in almost all cases what we say is a "shadow" to what we think, and therefor you really have to try and read between the lines.
And here i have been thinking that most of us did that since we were like 15 or something, because i became aware of it at that time, Now when it comes to obama and mitt talk, i could see what obama was trying to convey, but he never connected to us emotionally, he was alienated to us because he had no feelings. And someone that is always cool and collected will always look cold and lethargic compared to someone that is animated.
Title is misleading. Additionally phase 2, requires more mental resources and time, which is why we don't profile everyone we meet in huge depth - its not possible. Phase 1 is a evolutionary tool we inherited, and whilst the PC brigade are like 'don't ever generalize' - they know shit, its an involuntary mechanism we are all bound to.... its useful too!
Purposefully incendiary title, insinuating a particular angle by which to perceive this video, of which on full watching expressed none of the sort. Poor display, Big Think...
What rubbish. How about you just develop yourself into a trustworthy person, a friendly person, a competent person, a caring person, instead of trying to come across as. That's just being fake, and living a life that's fake is surely not living. If you don't know how to do these things, then learn. That's what makes life so interesting and joyful: learning, growing, and being true to yourself!
wonphi Doesn't work that well anymore. Not when you have to compete with people that come from old money.
wonphi If you fail at the 1st impression then you won't have the opportunity to show your real self.
I understand it can be difficult, but society has over complicated many things. I say just develop yourself into a real person that can make a great first impressions by just being yourself, instead of just pretending.
wonphi whats the difference?
dothedeed
You are taking the time and effort into making yourself grow into a person you envision that is all those qualities, rather than let life kick you around into some random being who conforms with society or mediocrity, and when it's time where those outstanding qualities are needed, you do not have it, as oppose to those who worked hard earlier and already have those qualities in their core being, living life to the full, giving back to the world, rather than trying to play catchup, and trying to pretend to have those qualities, and living in anxiety that people will find out you're a fake (Those qualities that so many people fail to develop but wish they had, and envy the few who have it.)
Pretending and trying to impress is what 90% of society tries to do, only a few have it. I say everyone has the potential to have it, as long as they are not wasting their time pretending but instead developing, learning, studying and growing.
It's a large concept to wrap your head around, but only a few will get it.
No content.
Does anyone have a problem with the POTUSA actively choosing to "act" a certain way so others would believe him to "actually" be a certain way? I understand the concept of Face, it seems to betray a lack of "being" presidential if he felt the need to "act" presidential. Blah, Blah performance art.
This talk is vague to the point of being useless.
No shit, you perceive yourself differently than other people do.
No shit, you have to make an effort to get people to be interested in you and manipulate them.
What's next in Being a Human 101, it's not a good idea to walk around naked in public?
who gives a shit. tbh most people are not important as they think they are so don't worry about how others judge you. they'll probably forget it within the hour
Of course a women is vaguely talking about manipulation
get to the point sooner in the video.
What is your angle big think? Are you trying to transform everyone into narcissistic sociopaths? This strategy is garbage. If you have integrity and youre outspoken and honest people will respect you.
Obama be sippinnn'' boiii
I'm sure she makes a lot of money from her speeches.
Barack Obama was lethargic, or just black?