It’s okay, Karen-I had so many red flags when I first met and thought I knew my husband…A divine development of divorce fort me after 30 years. I’m so my ugh healthier and knowledgeable at age 80, and would not make a choice to marry a man without these five traits❤ we were able to raise wonderful children and remain solid v EED cause we were both Christians. Counseling was uselesss for my husband because h Red was closed off emitionally. Devastating pain endured. Intellectual intimacy was very lacking also.🪁
I started off my marriage with 4 out of 5. But with time i grew as a person and really worked on myslef as an INFJ. My partner on the otherhand had no desire to do so or they wouldnt feel the need to work on themselves or to grow. With time we started to loose pillars each at a time and eventually left we zero. So bad it was in the end that we part our ways without even communicating with each other. We even lost the basic communication. Its important to grow together even if you take a good start
That is kinda sad. As INFJs, I think we outgrow most people in our lives because not everyone values growth as much as we do. Sad INFJ truth. I have outgrown a lot of people in my life. You want them to grow with you but they wont.
I feel that your videos always perfectly puts into words what I have a hard time explaining. I love watching them and having someone express what I'm thinking about in easy ways to digest for others.
I just came across the video and Clay actually made me realize what have been missing in my relationship with my ex-husband. Makes me even more cautious now getting into a relationship. I know I need a deep emotional intimacy because I hate the question things in my mind, not knowing or speculating. That causes huge problems in a relationship.
great five pillars, really, wow. my boyfriend has just given me a birthday gift and i’m absolutely surprised. I didn’t expect the natural drops spanish fly, we have tried it immediately and after 5 drops!? i really want to be like that forever!
I told my sons relationships are like a table or a chair. 4 legs: 1.She respects herself. 2. She respects you. 3. You respect yourself. 4. You respect her. If any is missing don't sit on that chair
Intellectual intimacy: not so much about interest in a topic but in wanting understanding of each others thoughts. What does the other focus their mind on? Why? How are their thoughts affecting them/us.
Intellectual stimulation! This is super important. I can attest to this, as I’ve realized over the last few years that I cannot be in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t help expand my mind. I find these “5 pillars” important aspects that can give true perspective on any relationship. These are interesting and insightful concepts. Once again, thanks for the brain food!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Clay. They are clarifying as always. Context - INFJ, my current romantic relationship began with 4/5 pillars in good standing. Our intellectual connection was never strong, and your depth of connection analogy video was particularly helpful for coming to understand this. Our other pillars eroded over the years until I started hating myself for feeling like I was compromising my values, thoughts, and world views by staying in my LTR. Due to financial reasons and my current professional obligations, I could not residentially separate (and therefore mentally or emotionally) from my partner even though over the holidays I slammed the proverbial door by signing a professional contract that would take me out of state. I discovered your videos at the beginning of quarantine. They helped me set healthy emotional boundaries, reconnect with my intellectual side, and to some extent even rebuild my sense of self. Now, I am just 2 months away from freedom and the next phase of my life. Thank you for your one-sided internet friendship. Your thoughts have been a life-preserver for a lonely soul lost in the sea of relationship limbo.
You got this! This is exactly how I felt living my past partner in College (fellow INFJ). Unfortunately, I wasn't working on myself and was grasping hold of the idea of a strong relationship that had actually eroded. Held on much longer than I needed to. Glad you've come to the realization and are continuing to grow. Best of luck
True emotional intimacy is the most important factor in a relationship. All the other 4 follows and depend on that. Another 2 important one are intellectual and physical intimacy.💯
Clay: 1. Your empirical evidences through your own experiences Involve a lot of wisdom. 2. (I also find your talking about intimacy and sex authenticly and extremely respectful) The tone conveys...authentic care (not objectifying..or often the crude objectifying and harm causing garbage out there in society ) 3.These conversations are very important ...they don't teach this in school. 4. Your life experience is important and can assist in mentoring people in vaccum of existence where there is no information, no instruction . (Or very stupid and superficial sales con blather) 5. I want to thank you for the dialogue...creates a fertile environment for thinking about these subjects. 6. How can a person live intentionally with a chosen direction if they have not studied and thought about the road and roads they chose to travel . 7. Thorough thought is involved...you don't create a lot of chaos when you think about these topics (and know where you stand) 8. The INFJ spends alot of time trying to understand human nature (INFJ are driven to study and come to some understanding, this is what makes us the compassionate counselor people seek out.) 9. Thanks again., INFJ here doing the INFJ thing; thinking and studying these topics. Thanks for the dialogue (its approachable and not boring)
Great video! #4, shared values, really hit home. I have always been adamant about not having kids, because I both couldn't and didn't want to. And I always mentioned, casually but firmly, to any new potential boyfriends, that I would neither bear nor adopt children. This is how I lost about 1/2 of my new relationships....but not at first like I wanted. Instead, they harbored the futile belief/hope that they could somehow change my mind and manipulate me into being barefoot and pregnant, all without even a hint they "secretly" wanted kids! So I'd WASTE 6 months' investment of time and energy in guys who were basically lying about something so basic and fundamental as having kids. E-Yikes! Luckily this isn't an issue anymore at my age, and my boyfriend and I agree on this and the other shared values mentioned. I give him a high score on the 5 pillars; but two of them I need to work on more than he does.
"An experienced person give the best advice & a high quality person hold the golden key of values" :) This video is as good as a college dictionary:) I guess in my own word I would like to say it that follow instructions & try to read each others mind also count in a relationship:)
Revisited the 5 Pillars. Definitely worth doing. Lest we forget? Thanks, Clay for these most important insights in a relationship. Especially helpful as I also am an INFJ.
Dude, in case you didn't notice - we kinda always depress people, when we start digging) so...let it go. As for the pillars - agree. on all. and as a person who tried and failed to build on 3 - I can totally justify that it DOES NOT WORK and could be pretty devastating in the end. And please do go on with the videos. Every time I watch and listen - I feel less of a freak and not so alone. so...thank you
Watching your videos feels like my heart and mind are spoken out by someone else. Thank you, Clay. Simple but great videos. A younger INFJ from Vietnam :)
You are like the male version of myself... I love all your videos, you give me hope that perhaps there is another man out there who could potentially understand me. Thank you for all these videos... You have no idea how much you have helped me to put my past relationships into perspective and to get a better understanding of who I am and what I should pay attention to in the future. ❤️ I have never had 5/5 ... the closest was intellectual intimacy, physical/sexual intimacy, common values, and quality time together. He was an ESTJ... and as you know, we INFJ cannot build a fulfilling relationship without emotional intimacy. What a pity
Thank you for such an insightful video! It’s like I’ve known all these, but to have it all sum it up and give the right words to the concepts and thoughts was so helpful to hear and process.
Mutuality is essential. Yes. You might be interested in reading about the relationship research by psychologist John Gottman, who’s quantified exactly what separates relationship ‘masters’ from relationship ‘disasters’. For example, partners who respond 87% or more to their partner’s ‘bids for attention’ are masters. Example of a ‘bid for attention’ is when one partner points out the window, saying, ‘Look at that beautiful bird.” If the other partner, who’s engrossed in reading the newspaper, puts the newspaper down and responds by sharing the viewing of the beautiful bird, that’s mastery. If the response is to ignore or grunt etc, it’s generally not great. Not every time, but 87% of the time, it’s important to the health of the relationship to attune to your partner’s bids for attention. He’s got all sorts of indicators like this from 40+ years of research. John Gottman.
This is a really great framework, Clay! It really resonates with me and my best friend who I showed your video to. I personally skimp out on Pillar 5 (Quality Time/Shared Interests) more than I should and it is the first pillar I "sacrifice" when evaluating a potential partner's fit. I think Pillar 1 (Emotional Intimacy) and Pillar 2 (Intellectual Intimacy) are fundamental in holding up a close relationship and may need to be reinforced almost daily/weekly, but if someone needs Pillar 3 (Physical/Sexual Intimacy) more than the other, then it may be an easier "fix" because I see Pillar 3 as being intrinsically linked to Pillar 1 (and Pillar 2 for the kinky folks out there). Also sex is fun if there's good emotional (and intellectual) intimacy!
I'm an INTP but my partner is an INFJ and I'm here to try understand how he feels a bit more than I already did. Expressing emotions doesn't come natural for INTP but I try my best
You are so right on this, once agin find myself Agreeing with every word you said. Trying to grow emotional intimacy in my relationship at the moment, it’s a struggle when the other person just isn’t willing
How to know if you have found your life-companion ! ;) I have had linkies inquire how to know if he or she has found the one. I have given the best counsel I could, but this video does a fantastic job. THE FIVE PILLARS: 1. Emotional Intimacy (the non-negotiable, absolutely essential keystone) as I say: let's go deep or let's not bother. a. accepts me as I am b. I openly share my deepest thoughts and feelings c. cares d. helps e. affirms my thoughts and feelings Emotional intimacy leaves you feeling UNDERSTOOD and is based on TRUST. 2. Intellectual Intimacy as I am a sapiosexual, intellectual stimulation is a must. ;) 3. Physical / Sexual Intimacy (as the speaker is an INFJ and I am an INFJ, INFJs are NOT into one night stands). LOL ;) 4. shared values (political, religious, cultural) 5. Quality time and shared interests Although the presenter at the end seems somewhat pessimistic even though he has articulated a great framework, I can share that it is possible to increase and you should increase ALL FIVE PILLARS as your relationship ages like a fine wine. (more below) Our emotional intimacy increases as we learn to trust each other more and more. As we see the other person genuinely understanding us on a level we don't even understand ourselves. Lisa knew that nursing was my calling before I did. Lisa knew that I would not last two years as a truck driver when I was thinking we would team drive for a decade. Conversely, I helped Lisa commit to going back to school to be an Electrical Engineer and to pursue a hobby of her choice and she chose figure skating. We started out our marriage with slightly different values. We shared the values of frugality, being opposed to hand-outs, and hard work to claw our way to wealth. However, our values used to be much further apart on religion, children, and deep fundamentals. Somehow we have grown together to where now it would be hard to distinguish which of us was talking if we were discussing values. ;)
Thank you for this great video! I completely agree with you in every point. I do see that the depth our personality type demands, especially concerning emotional and intellectual intimacy is often may be too intense for partners.
😊So people with No knowledge of Attachment Wounds and Attatchment Theory might have troubles. If you learned Secure Connection Style, nice. But If half of Population learned Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant or Fearful Attatchment, Well, all in the unconscious mind, It might be helpful Bring light at Triggers and ChildHood Wounds and Traumas First...If the mind IS more Concious and the surrounding people know AS Well...learning new behavior IS way easier. CBT and internal Work plus external Work helped me Lots to Form more Secure and intimate relationships, instead of Feeling lonley, because I was Not able to Connect with my inner Vulnurability and communicating, Sharing exploring that together with Others in early years. Being vulnurable and emotionally Open, can lead to forming deeper Bonds with Others. But First learned to allow my self to feel vulnurable and than learned to communicate that with my dears in the external world. Best wishes from Former demon Fi, Savior NeTe with Fearful Avoidant Attatchment Style turning into Secure emotional Bonding. Enfp 9w1 Hope your Journeys will be wonderful 🌏🌟
Thank you for your videos. They have opened my eyes and gave me more understanding and is making things hard as now i have to figure out my relationship but it's better than staying in the abuse cycle.
I love watching your videos!!!! Near the end of video....haha...depressed....NOT. I think it is very important to have personal time for self care. Understanding one's feelings about current emotional status with another is important. If you lose a pillar, is it worth building it back up....can you build it back up....trial and error. It really takes personal investment to maintain pillars. Ppl will have to make a decision to stay and fight the good fight or let that persona take their own path in another direction....to each his/her own.
I think that some people really get depressed when someone talk about this topics that deeply, and more if is an INFJ, like you and me. For me, it's a key that I will use later, so I can grow as a person, and if I get a partner, I will know what are the pillars and things that I want. Thank you so much for making this video. I do really appreciate it. You give to me a more huge perspective about what I want and feel.
So glad you pointed out shared values. I have several family members who's spouses come from very religious families. (We're a mix bag but mostly not religious) But those marriages work because they have shared values in other ways. Also, I'm always surprised to find out when a couple are having a dispute over children because I kind of assume that's something you discuss when you get to a certain point in your relationship. You know, BEFORE you actually sign a legal agreement.
In astrology we would compare the following in synastry: Sun - basic personality type Moon - emotional (the only factor in Hindu marriage matching) Mercury - intellectual Venus/Mars - physical Jupiter - values Saturn - commitment, responsibility They are all important but I agree there is no good primary relationship without emotional intimacy. Without this you are not at home.
On the shared values: the two should not only agree on what they agree on, but also be clear on what they are willing to compromise on. And trade off explicitly what they expect with what they are willing to put up with. Not in terms of the actual material things probably, but intentions, effort, and such more abstract negotiables. Hm, imagine chasing intellectual intimacy with an INTP. It's like chasing physical intimacy with ESFP, for the lack of a better metaphor.
This was so helpful. I literally took notes :p. I'm online dating, and this is going to help me get through meeting up with all these random boys lol. Thanks Clay xx
Clay...your thesis here, consolidates human drives..similar to Maslow's heirarchy of needs in life. Oh if educators could teach your method to young people, each of us would have concrete "choosing perimeters". I love what you illustrate...thank you! An Enfp here, who observes "discoveries that seem to work". Thank you! C'ndy
Your theory, or illustration does make sense to me, and I think it is helpful. I feel that my relationship has all five, but two of them are not as strong and I realized that is partially my fault because of how unassertive I am. My husband and I are very close and talk a lot, but he is a thinking type and I often find it easier not to express emotions and thoughts I don't think he will agree with. I work on this off and on, but I have been known to put my foot in my mouth and unintentionally offend him. Losing his respect is one of my greatest fears and I feel a very real possibility because he doesn't care for emotionalism. what you said about one partner being a good listener and the other having lots to say, that's us. I am the captive audience. But I need to speak up about it if I don't like it. Things for me to think about.
Lol at the end "I hope this wasn't depressing"...right when I realized we are all doomed, even if you aren't doomed currently. Hopefully the willingness of both parties to make it work is enough to sort out the differences.
I was married to an INTJ for 14 years. In the beginning there was some emotional intimacy and for sure intellectual intimacy But over time I believe that the more expressive emotional side of an INFJ caused this INTJ to not trust and therefore held back the emotional intimacy piece. And I will be honest you are right on the money about this and the need for emotional intimacy because as an INFJ who literally thrives on emotional intimacy it was like starving to death. It was agonizing to have someone that was supposed to be the one person I could turn to but also knowing that person could absolutely never understand or identify or approve of anything I was going through. I am now dating and ISFJ and although he is a sensor the emotional intimacy is very very strong. And it made a huge difference to the way that we connect as two people. So if I had watched this video years ago I probably would have known that my relationship with my INTJ needed to end. Thank you for putting this together if anything it makes it clear what I should be looking for moving forward.
Hi Clay, just stumbled across your channel and found that you have a lot of interesting things to say. As a fellow INFJ, I would love to hear your experiences with romantic relationships and discuss your bumps along the way. Thanks and stay well. -Silver
I've thought about talking about it - maybe at some point. It feels quite personal to talk about and I might piss some people off. But I think I will eventually.
I think I've noticed a trend that infj tend to be demisexuals. Maybe you are one. Demisexuality is the definition of only having real sexual attraction to a person when you really got to know them and maintained emotional intimacy with them :)
I don’t know if that is necessarily true, for example, I will not kiss anyone who I am not serious about, let alone have sex with them, but that does not mean that I don’t feel attraction without a deep emotional connection, I have eyes, I see a hot guy, I am attracted to him, but I have standards, and emotional needs that need to be met before I engage in anything sexual with them, I think most INFJs are like this, sex and intimacy is important and not seen as something to be thrown around, that does not make INFJs Demi sexual, as being Demi sexual is not a choice, choosing to not sleep with anyone before standards are met is a choice, but an emotional connection definitely helps with forming sexual attraction, but I’m pretty sure everyone feels that way
Hi clay! Omg I struggled for years with people I have dated and my ex husband about intellectual intimacy, if that’s missing for me, it’s a deal breaker, it’s also tied up with communication, thank you, they me feel like a weirdo, 🙃
Thanks Clay for a thorough discussion and critical insights into the making of a great relationship. I’m an INFJ, recently divorced from someone with NPD. In the dating world again. Current boyfriend and I seem to share all 5 pillars. One thing I’ve noticed is that something that I’m missing still with current boyfriend but kept me hooked in toxic relationship was shared history and memories. My ex even tried to guilt me into staying by saying “how could you throw away 20 years of memories together” I’m wondering if this could be a 6th pillar?? Curious as to your thoughts. Thanks for your contributions!!
I think it's highly important for couples to do things together cooking. Like cooking. She leads with communication to keep communication skills open then next time different activity an he leads I must say though clay. Each one of them needs a must requirement to have some of own friends to go out with. To be own person still not the label of wife mother or Co of company I individualty is a must
All the pillars were very you, helpful I always thought intimacy was just in the bedroom and talking to it is very difficult I was going through all this with my husband today and and I didn't know what to do about it but this was all informative about the situation. Yeah it's worth the try but we know and it's hard difficult you just have to find some things that he's interested in talking about keep up the good work
What do you think about a spiritual connection? I have read about "4D relationships" = Emotional connection, Intellectual connection, Physical connection, and Spiritual connection. I'm not very religious, but I do think we all have some spiritual beliefs. I've not totally conceptualized what a spiritual connection means to me. This is not nessecarily about compatibility of spiritual beliefs, but rather having a higher purpose- in some way you two together are greater than the sum of your parts.
Imagine reaching out to your partner about your worries or a bad day and get a reply like "okay nice, that's good to hear babe".. Or imagine they get annoyed because it makes them feel bad that you're not happy and thriving all the time because that means they have make an effort to be supportive.. Or imagine not even getting a reply for one, two, maybe three days.. Imagine staying in that for 2.5 years because it's the first time there's at least one other pillar that works in a relationship lol. Yeah, so I'm dumb like that. I'm trying to stay single for a while so I can get used to expecting a higher fucking standard.
I know this is probably supposed to be a depressive rant but I couldn´t help and laugh a little bit because of the incredibly self-aware way you presented it. So you got at least the humor thing going for you!
2.5 years might be tough but try 30 years with raising 2 boys with no growth from the other person, it was like being married to Bender from Futurarma. He's gone now and I understand and identify with INFJ so all good now, and my boys are good as can be expected. Thank you so much for everyone sharing now days, everything has helped me understand WTH went wrong, happy to be still learning even at 57 💖
@@colleenprice3725 Tbf toxic and unfulfilling relationships would probably add up to about 8 years in total since I started seriously dating about 10 years ago lol. I've been single for 8 months now for that reason, realizing I should maybe stop and take a look at what's going on lol. Usually I'd allow someone to come tempt me to just jump into the next one to get over the previous. But the point was just that that last relationship just had those episodes that seemed completely surreal, as detached communication as it can get, yet I kept it going.. Now I'm seriously tired though. It's not much compared to many other life spans, but it's more than enough for me lol. I'm glad you got out of that 30 year stagnant jail though, damn.
This is super helpful Clay! Not depressing at all! Healthy relationships require a lot more work than we think. You're providing insights to my personal dilemmas, and being an INFJ myself, I have many:) Many thanks.
Another great informative video! I never knew there were men like yourself... Do I need to look for a partner based on Myers Briggs personality chart? It sure does get you to where your going quicker 😂 lol
NOT. My narcissistic ex-husband and I played card games and other games all the time. It was always his way of feeling the winner and making sure that I was the loser. He hated it when I won anything. After 4 different counsellors I slammed the door on our "relationship". I can see how it would work with a couple where both are NORMAL and HEALTHY though.
Emotional, intellectual, sexual, values, quality time. Indeed, though I am sceptical if 5 out of 5 is feasible, that would be rare I think. I would add to that, willingness to learn ad grow together. I guess if one cares about their partner, one would be willing to.
Is it possible do you think that we can only reach those 5 out of 5 only when we have fully actualized.? I’ve been looking for that soul mate for so long and have left several marriages because I couldn’t get to that place . But then I realize being an INFJ , HSP and Pisces and variables from my childhood all add up to the me , being a difficult person indeed and even though I’ve been working on myself since grad school only now that I know who I am not ,am I only starting to realize who I am and only then will my eyes be truly open to the possibility of meeting that one .
Ok so how can I improve for this person to meet these needs through emotional trauma? My man is more like you. I was raised only by my father and well he was abusive in every way. I’m in therapy but I don’t feel like I’m getting somewhere fast enough to improve my relationship
Regarding sexual intimacy, people who are disconnected from their own emotional intimacy and do not need deep relationships, can totally have good sex without deep intimacy and they just love it like that. They are totally uninteresting to me but these people do exist and live this way.... basically do not need more than what is for me superficial intimacy.... I actually think that most people are like this and what you describe here as the 5 pillars apply more to people who are INFJ, which is why it is hard for us cos we look for depth and understanding in each pillar...
We think a lot alike. In my mid 50's I think I found the gal who hits me on 5 cylinders (pillars). I too feel that emotional intimacy is the cornerstone. Sex without it is vacant. Sex only on a physical level denies soul. Emotional intimacy strengthens the other pillars.
I am in a relationship with another INFJ and although we share similar blind spots that we need to mutually work on, we have an extremely deep and fulfilling relationship.
You know what you mean to me?! You mean so much to me, so much I can´t describe, it seems to be more than love and it seems to be more stronger. You mean so much to me, you´re like a rainbow in the sky, cause you´re the one I wanna hold and you´re the one I miss at night. You mean so much to me, you are every breathe I take. You mean the world to me and the fire that burns inside me. You mean too much to me, sometimes it mades me hurt, cause I know we should be together, forever and ever! So hold me tight, make me dream of you at night, take your arms around me, and show me how it wanna be, to feel you next to mine, when our sun starts to shine. Hatuk Hill
Completely understand. But, realize that if they are not providing love, honesty, and respect, then you are better off alone, until you do find those attributes.
To me this all sounds like more what an extrovert needs. Personally, as an introvert, I need WAY more space than this to be comfortable in any relationship, be it with a partner, friend or my kids. We are all unique, for sure.
Unfortunately, this video as insightful as it is, is also pretty sad because it only proves how complicated relationships are and how clueless the majority of humanity is when it comes to finding the right partner. Even us, INFJs struggle to get there. It pains me to know how people marry each other or get together to use each other consciously or subconsciously, for money, status, comfort... And it has been going on for forever. If ever we evolve to be so intentional about it and the pursuit for a high quality relationship becomes the norm, that'll be 100 of years away in an utopian society where money and hunger are no longer issues.
Quality time should never be penciled in. Should be spontaneous no one says always have to set one hour 9pm Tuesday quality time such pressure it's not quality quantity
No very helpful. Wish I had this kind of information years ago. I feel like I made wiser decisions in my life and my life would be more stable. I didn't come from a family with that I really stable foundation and in all relationship types over all. I will pray that God keeps on blessing you with information to help all kinds of people in the world. You are a voice of reason and the fact that most people can't afford to pay for therapy you are very valuable person in the world. I hope me saying I will pray for you does not offend you. I pray for all kinds of people.
I have a situation where I am friends with a INFJ female who said our emotional intimacy and connection is strong. The only thing Is she said she doesn’t see me as a sexual partner. What I realize is that she gets what she wants from me and then has sex with other dudes. Girls are really mess up in the fact that they go for dudes with not emotional connection. Lol
1. Emotional Intimacy
2. Intellectual Intimacy
3. Sexual Intimacy
4. Shared Values
5. Quality Time/ Shared Interests
This is a great video! Why aren't these talked about more, TedTalks, or even therapists aware?? Great info! Needs WAY more broad acceptance.
Sad that it took me 8 years to realize my relationship was one sided and we have non of these core values
It’s okay, Karen-I had so many red flags when I first met and thought I knew my husband…A divine development of divorce fort me after 30 years. I’m so my ugh healthier and knowledgeable at age 80, and would not make a choice to marry a man without these five traits❤ we were able to raise wonderful children and remain solid v EED cause we were both Christians. Counseling was uselesss for my husband because h Red was closed off emitionally. Devastating pain endured. Intellectual intimacy was very lacking also.🪁
Clay, you are superb in explaining A solid relationship for marriage. Thanks♥️
I started off my marriage with 4 out of 5. But with time i grew as a person and really worked on myslef as an INFJ. My partner on the otherhand had no desire to do so or they wouldnt feel the need to work on themselves or to grow.
With time we started to loose pillars each at a time and eventually left we zero. So bad it was in the end that we part our ways without even communicating with each other. We even lost the basic communication.
Its important to grow together even if you take a good start
I know what a lot of that feels like actually.
That is kinda sad. As INFJs, I think we outgrow most people in our lives because not everyone values growth as much as we do. Sad INFJ truth. I have outgrown a lot of people in my life. You want them to grow with you but they wont.
Thanks for your share.
Same
I class pillar 1&2 as a part of foreplay.
Foreplay can build up over a period of a day or two sometimes. The joy of being open and tolerance.
I feel that your videos always perfectly puts into words what I have a hard time explaining. I love watching them and having someone express what I'm thinking about in easy ways to digest for others.
Thanks for the comment :)
I just came across the video and Clay actually made me realize what have been missing in my relationship with my ex-husband.
Makes me even more cautious now getting into a relationship.
I know I need a deep emotional intimacy because I hate the question things in my mind, not knowing or speculating. That causes huge problems in a relationship.
great five pillars, really, wow. my boyfriend has just given me a birthday gift and i’m absolutely surprised. I didn’t expect the natural drops spanish fly, we have tried it immediately and after 5 drops!? i really want to be like that forever!
Yes...good sexual intimacy is directly built upon good emotional intimacy. Absolutely.
I told my sons relationships are like a table or a chair. 4 legs: 1.She respects herself. 2. She respects you. 3. You respect yourself. 4. You respect her. If any is missing don't sit on that chair
Excellent analogy, if you’re missing one leg it’s wobbly, maybe even fatally flawed, but 2 legs down and it’s doomed from inception.
Intellectual intimacy: not so much about interest in a topic but in wanting understanding of each others thoughts. What does the other focus their mind on? Why? How are their thoughts affecting them/us.
Love this! Great distinction
Intellectual stimulation! This is super important. I can attest to this, as I’ve realized over the last few years that I cannot be in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t help expand my mind. I find these “5 pillars” important aspects that can give true perspective on any relationship. These are interesting and insightful concepts. Once again, thanks for the brain food!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Clay. They are clarifying as always. Context - INFJ, my current romantic relationship began with 4/5 pillars in good standing. Our intellectual connection was never strong, and your depth of connection analogy video was particularly helpful for coming to understand this. Our other pillars eroded over the years until I started hating myself for feeling like I was compromising my values, thoughts, and world views by staying in my LTR. Due to financial reasons and my current professional obligations, I could not residentially separate (and therefore mentally or emotionally) from my partner even though over the holidays I slammed the proverbial door by signing a professional contract that would take me out of state.
I discovered your videos at the beginning of quarantine. They helped me set healthy emotional boundaries, reconnect with my intellectual side, and to some extent even rebuild my sense of self. Now, I am just 2 months away from freedom and the next phase of my life. Thank you for your one-sided internet friendship. Your thoughts have been a life-preserver for a lonely soul lost in the sea of relationship limbo.
all the best moving forward :)
Best of luck!
You got this! This is exactly how I felt living my past partner in College (fellow INFJ). Unfortunately, I wasn't working on myself and was grasping hold of the idea of a strong relationship that had actually eroded. Held on much longer than I needed to. Glad you've come to the realization and are continuing to grow. Best of luck
True emotional intimacy is the most important factor in a relationship. All the other 4 follows and depend on that. Another 2 important one are intellectual and physical intimacy.💯
Clay:
1. Your empirical evidences through your own experiences
Involve a lot of wisdom.
2. (I also find your talking about intimacy and sex authenticly and extremely respectful) The tone conveys...authentic care (not objectifying..or often the crude objectifying and harm causing garbage out there in society )
3.These conversations are very important ...they don't teach this in school.
4. Your life experience is important and can assist in mentoring people in vaccum of existence where there is no information, no instruction . (Or very stupid and superficial sales con blather)
5. I want to thank you for the dialogue...creates a fertile environment for thinking about these subjects.
6. How can a person live intentionally with a chosen direction if they have not studied and thought about the road and roads they chose to travel .
7. Thorough thought is involved...you don't create a lot of chaos when you think about these topics (and know where you stand)
8. The INFJ spends alot of time trying to understand human nature (INFJ are driven to study and come to some understanding, this is what makes us the compassionate counselor people seek out.)
9. Thanks again., INFJ here doing the INFJ thing; thinking and studying these topics. Thanks for the dialogue (its approachable and not boring)
Great video! #4, shared values, really hit home. I have always been adamant about not having kids, because I both couldn't and didn't want to. And I always mentioned, casually but firmly, to any new potential boyfriends, that I would neither bear nor adopt children. This is how I lost about 1/2 of my new relationships....but not at first like I wanted. Instead, they harbored the futile belief/hope that they could somehow change my mind and manipulate me into being barefoot and pregnant, all without even a hint they "secretly" wanted kids! So I'd WASTE 6 months' investment of time and energy in guys who were basically lying about something so basic and fundamental as having kids. E-Yikes! Luckily this isn't an issue anymore at my age, and my boyfriend and I agree on this and the other shared values mentioned. I give him a high score on the 5 pillars; but two of them I need to work on more than he does.
This is so dear to my heart
So glad I’m not the only one feeling the gaps .. in relationships…
"An experienced person give the best advice & a high quality person hold the golden key of values" :) This video is as good as a college dictionary:) I guess in my own word I would like to say it that follow instructions & try to read each others mind also count in a relationship:)
How does this not have 10m views?!
Revisited the 5 Pillars. Definitely worth doing. Lest we forget? Thanks, Clay for these most important insights in a relationship. Especially helpful as I also am an INFJ.
Dude, in case you didn't notice - we kinda always depress people, when we start digging) so...let it go.
As for the pillars - agree. on all. and as a person who tried and failed to build on 3 - I can totally justify that it DOES NOT WORK and could be pretty devastating in the end.
And please do go on with the videos. Every time I watch and listen - I feel less of a freak and not so alone. so...thank you
glad it helps :)
Clay Arnall good one! #
Watching your videos feels like my heart and mind are spoken out by someone else. Thank you, Clay. Simple but great videos. A younger INFJ from Vietnam :)
Heyyyyyy✌🏻
This is awesome! I felt alone, and thought I was the only person thinking this way. Thank you for this.
You are like the male version of myself... I love all your videos, you give me hope that perhaps there is another man out there who could potentially understand me.
Thank you for all these videos... You have no idea how much you have helped me to put my past relationships into perspective and to get a better understanding of who I am and what I should pay attention to in the future. ❤️
I have never had 5/5 ... the closest was intellectual intimacy, physical/sexual intimacy, common values, and quality time together. He was an ESTJ... and as you know, we INFJ cannot build a fulfilling relationship without emotional intimacy. What a pity
Wasn't depressing at all. You made good points that I'd like to keep in mind for my relationships.
These are things that I have always looked for in any relationship in my life. Thank you. I totally agree.
Thank you for such an insightful video! It’s like I’ve known all these, but to have it all sum it up and give the right words to the concepts and thoughts was so helpful to hear and process.
Mutuality is essential. Yes. You might be interested in reading about the relationship research by psychologist John Gottman, who’s quantified exactly what separates relationship ‘masters’ from relationship ‘disasters’. For example, partners who respond 87% or more to their partner’s ‘bids for attention’ are masters. Example of a ‘bid for attention’ is when one partner points out the window, saying, ‘Look at that beautiful bird.” If the other partner, who’s engrossed in reading the newspaper, puts the newspaper down and responds by sharing the viewing of the beautiful bird, that’s mastery. If the response is to ignore or grunt etc, it’s generally not great. Not every time, but 87% of the time, it’s important to the health of the relationship to attune to your partner’s bids for attention. He’s got all sorts of indicators like this from 40+ years of research. John Gottman.
That is actually the grown up version of the still face experiment, which you can find as a video.
Good one.
This is a really great framework, Clay! It really resonates with me and my best friend who I showed your video to. I personally skimp out on Pillar 5 (Quality Time/Shared Interests) more than I should and it is the first pillar I "sacrifice" when evaluating a potential partner's fit. I think Pillar 1 (Emotional Intimacy) and Pillar 2 (Intellectual Intimacy) are fundamental in holding up a close relationship and may need to be reinforced almost daily/weekly, but if someone needs Pillar 3 (Physical/Sexual Intimacy) more than the other, then it may be an easier "fix" because I see Pillar 3 as being intrinsically linked to Pillar 1 (and Pillar 2 for the kinky folks out there). Also sex is fun if there's good emotional (and intellectual) intimacy!
thanks for the feedback :)
I'm an INTP but my partner is an INFJ and I'm here to try understand how he feels a bit more than I already did. Expressing emotions doesn't come natural for INTP but I try my best
This type of subject matter should be taught in school all over the world!
You are so right on this, once agin find myself Agreeing with every word you said. Trying to grow emotional intimacy in my relationship at the moment, it’s a struggle when the other person just isn’t willing
How to know if you have found your life-companion ! ;)
I have had linkies inquire how to know if he or she has found the one. I have given the best counsel I could, but this video does a fantastic job.
THE FIVE PILLARS:
1. Emotional Intimacy (the non-negotiable, absolutely essential keystone)
as I say: let's go deep or let's not bother.
a. accepts me as I am
b. I openly share my deepest thoughts and feelings
c. cares
d. helps
e. affirms my thoughts and feelings
Emotional intimacy leaves you feeling UNDERSTOOD and is based on TRUST.
2. Intellectual Intimacy
as I am a sapiosexual, intellectual stimulation is a must. ;)
3. Physical / Sexual Intimacy
(as the speaker is an INFJ and I am an INFJ, INFJs are NOT into one night stands). LOL ;)
4. shared values
(political, religious, cultural)
5. Quality time and shared interests
Although the presenter at the end seems somewhat pessimistic even though he has articulated a great framework, I can share that it is possible to increase and you should increase ALL FIVE PILLARS as your relationship ages like a fine wine. (more below)
Our emotional intimacy increases as we learn to trust each other more and more. As we see the other person genuinely understanding us on a level we don't even understand ourselves. Lisa knew that nursing was my calling before I did. Lisa knew that I would not last two years as a truck driver when I was thinking we would team drive for a decade.
Conversely, I helped Lisa commit to going back to school to be an Electrical Engineer and to pursue a hobby of her choice and she chose figure skating.
We started out our marriage with slightly different values. We shared the values of frugality, being opposed to hand-outs, and hard work to claw our way to wealth. However, our values used to be much further apart on religion, children, and deep fundamentals. Somehow we have grown together to where now it would be hard to distinguish which of us was talking if we were discussing values.
;)
great summary, thanks :)
Thank you for this great video!
I completely agree with you in every point. I do see that the depth our personality type demands, especially concerning emotional and intellectual intimacy is often may be too intense for partners.
are we too intense? Or are we just living in a world that doesn't value real connection. It's hard to know for sure.
😊So people with No knowledge of Attachment Wounds and Attatchment Theory might have troubles. If you learned Secure Connection Style, nice. But If half of Population learned Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant or Fearful Attatchment, Well, all in the unconscious mind, It might be helpful Bring light at Triggers and ChildHood Wounds and Traumas First...If the mind IS more Concious and the surrounding people know AS Well...learning new behavior IS way easier. CBT and internal Work plus external Work helped me Lots to Form more Secure and intimate relationships, instead of Feeling lonley, because I was Not able to Connect with my inner Vulnurability and communicating, Sharing exploring that together with Others in early years. Being vulnurable and emotionally Open, can lead to forming deeper Bonds with Others. But First learned to allow my self to feel vulnurable and than learned to communicate that with my dears in the external world. Best wishes from Former demon Fi, Savior NeTe with Fearful Avoidant Attatchment Style turning into Secure emotional Bonding. Enfp 9w1 Hope your Journeys will be wonderful 🌏🌟
Thank you for your videos. They have opened my eyes and gave me more understanding and is making things hard as now i have to figure out my relationship but it's better than staying in the abuse cycle.
I love watching your videos!!!! Near the end of video....haha...depressed....NOT. I think it is very important to have personal time for self care. Understanding one's feelings about current emotional status with another is important. If you lose a pillar, is it worth building it back up....can you build it back up....trial and error. It really takes personal investment to maintain pillars. Ppl will have to make a decision to stay and fight the good fight or let that persona take their own path in another direction....to each his/her own.
I think that some people really get depressed when someone talk about this topics that deeply, and more if is an INFJ, like you and me. For me, it's a key that I will use later, so I can grow as a person, and if I get a partner, I will know what are the pillars and things that I want. Thank you so much for making this video. I do really appreciate it. You give to me a more huge perspective about what I want and feel.
So glad you pointed out shared values. I have several family members who's spouses come from very religious families. (We're a mix bag but mostly not religious) But those marriages work because they have shared values in other ways. Also, I'm always surprised to find out when a couple are having a dispute over children because I kind of assume that's something you discuss when you get to a certain point in your relationship. You know, BEFORE you actually sign a legal agreement.
In astrology we would compare the following in synastry:
Sun - basic personality type
Moon - emotional (the only factor in Hindu marriage matching)
Mercury - intellectual
Venus/Mars - physical
Jupiter - values
Saturn - commitment, responsibility
They are all important but I agree there is no good primary relationship without emotional intimacy. Without this you are not at home.
I don't believe in "Astrology or Zodiac Signs(Space beliefs)", but thank u for sharing
Much appreciate you giving your thoughts on these issues. You have given a lot of insight into what is typically wrong in relationships.
Thank U For Sharing This😁
On the shared values: the two should not only agree on what they agree on, but also be clear on what they are willing to compromise on. And trade off explicitly what they expect with what they are willing to put up with. Not in terms of the actual material things probably, but intentions, effort, and such more abstract negotiables.
Hm, imagine chasing intellectual intimacy with an INTP. It's like chasing physical intimacy with ESFP, for the lack of a better metaphor.
This was so helpful. I literally took notes :p. I'm online dating, and this is going to help me get through meeting up with all these random boys lol. Thanks Clay xx
Clay...your thesis
here, consolidates human drives..similar to Maslow's heirarchy of needs in life. Oh if educators could teach your method to young people, each of us would have concrete "choosing perimeters".
I love what you illustrate...thank you!
An Enfp here, who observes "discoveries that seem to work".
Thank you! C'ndy
Your theory, or illustration does make sense to me, and I think it is helpful. I feel that my relationship has all five, but two of them are not as strong and I realized that is partially my fault because of how unassertive I am. My husband and I are very close and talk a lot, but he is a thinking type and I often find it easier not to express emotions and thoughts I don't think he will agree with. I work on this off and on, but I have been known to put my foot in my mouth and unintentionally offend him. Losing his respect is one of my greatest fears and I feel a very real possibility because he doesn't care for emotionalism. what you said about one partner being a good listener and the other having lots to say, that's us. I am the captive audience. But I need to speak up about it if I don't like it. Things for me to think about.
Lol at the end "I hope this wasn't depressing"...right when I realized we are all doomed, even if you aren't doomed currently. Hopefully the willingness of both parties to make it work is enough to sort out the differences.
I think if you have communication then anything can be worked out. It's the people that can't communicate that might be doomed.
This was SO extremely helpful and super accurate! Not depressing at all. Thank you for sharing these! 🙏
I was married to an INTJ for 14 years. In the beginning there was some emotional intimacy and for sure intellectual intimacy But over time I believe that the more expressive emotional side of an INFJ caused this INTJ to not trust and therefore held back the emotional intimacy piece. And I will be honest you are right on the money about this and the need for emotional intimacy because as an INFJ who literally thrives on emotional intimacy it was like starving to death. It was agonizing to have someone that was supposed to be the one person I could turn to but also knowing that person could absolutely never understand or identify or approve of anything I was going through. I am now dating and ISFJ and although he is a sensor the emotional intimacy is very very strong. And it made a huge difference to the way that we connect as two people. So if I had watched this video years ago I probably would have known that my relationship with my INTJ needed to end. Thank you for putting this together if anything it makes it clear what I should be looking for moving forward.
Hi Clay, just stumbled across your channel and found that you have a lot of interesting things to say. As a fellow INFJ, I would love to hear your experiences with romantic relationships and discuss your bumps along the way. Thanks and stay well. -Silver
I've thought about talking about it - maybe at some point. It feels quite personal to talk about and I might piss some people off. But I think I will eventually.
Thank you Clay
Yes, good to hear my own thoughts and conclusions be validated by another's experience.
Whoops.. Meant to comment this on the intimacy talk.
I think I've noticed a trend that infj tend to be demisexuals. Maybe you are one. Demisexuality is the definition of only having real sexual attraction to a person when you really got to know them and maintained emotional intimacy with them :)
Yes, I think I can attest to that. Most infjs if not all are demisexual.🙂
I don’t know if that is necessarily true, for example, I will not kiss anyone who I am not serious about, let alone have sex with them, but that does not mean that I don’t feel attraction without a deep emotional connection, I have eyes, I see a hot guy, I am attracted to him, but I have standards, and emotional needs that need to be met before I engage in anything sexual with them, I think most INFJs are like this, sex and intimacy is important and not seen as something to be thrown around, that does not make INFJs Demi sexual, as being Demi sexual is not a choice, choosing to not sleep with anyone before standards are met is a choice, but an emotional connection definitely helps with forming sexual attraction, but I’m pretty sure everyone feels that way
Just realized that I am.
Hi clay! Omg I struggled for years with people I have dated and my ex husband about intellectual intimacy, if that’s missing for me, it’s a deal breaker, it’s also tied up with communication, thank you, they me feel like a weirdo, 🙃
Thanks Clay, my new relationship is good, and now I know it!!!
Thanks Clay for a thorough discussion and critical insights into the making of a great relationship.
I’m an INFJ, recently divorced from someone with NPD. In the dating world again. Current boyfriend and I seem to share all 5 pillars.
One thing I’ve noticed is that something that I’m missing still with current boyfriend but kept me hooked in toxic relationship was shared history and memories. My ex even tried to guilt me into staying by saying “how could you throw away 20 years of memories together”
I’m wondering if this could be a 6th pillar?? Curious as to your thoughts.
Thanks for your contributions!!
I think it's highly important for couples to do things together cooking. Like cooking. She leads with communication to keep communication skills open then next time different activity an he leads I must say though clay. Each one of them needs a must requirement to have some of own friends to go out with. To be own person still not the label of wife mother or Co of company I individualty is a must
RUclips ads are awesome-ly funny...
The ad that piggy-backed on your "5 Pillars"... is the 5 Pillars of successful polyamorous relationships. ;)
All the pillars were very you, helpful I always thought intimacy was just in the bedroom and talking to it is very difficult I was going through all this with my husband today and and I didn't know what to do about it but this was all informative about the situation. Yeah it's worth the try but we know and it's hard difficult you just have to find some things that he's interested in talking about keep up the good work
What I've been trying to achieve with my recent love interest..and now no success in the love dept..he was not seeking the same. His. Loss. I'm good!
I totally agree, thank you ❣️
Interesting about the quality time. My ex husband gifted me with a spa day for my 47th birthday years ago. I was crushed.
Very good, very helpful. It really gives me impetus for contemplation. Thank you.
🤓🤓🤓🤓so true. Great tool to have🙏
Thank you Clay!!!!
What do you think about a spiritual connection? I have read about "4D relationships" = Emotional connection, Intellectual connection, Physical connection, and Spiritual connection. I'm not very religious, but I do think we all have some spiritual beliefs. I've not totally conceptualized what a spiritual connection means to me. This is not nessecarily about compatibility of spiritual beliefs, but rather having a higher purpose- in some way you two together are greater than the sum of your parts.
This was very good. Thank you
Imagine reaching out to your partner about your worries or a bad day and get a reply like "okay nice, that's good to hear babe".. Or imagine they get annoyed because it makes them feel bad that you're not happy and thriving all the time because that means they have make an effort to be supportive.. Or imagine not even getting a reply for one, two, maybe three days.. Imagine staying in that for 2.5 years because it's the first time there's at least one other pillar that works in a relationship lol.
Yeah, so I'm dumb like that.
I'm trying to stay single for a while so I can get used to expecting a higher fucking standard.
I know this is probably supposed to be a depressive rant but I couldn´t help and laugh a little bit because of the incredibly self-aware way you presented it.
So you got at least the humor thing going for you!
2.5 years might be tough but try 30 years with raising 2 boys with no growth from the other person, it was like being married to Bender from Futurarma. He's gone now and I understand and identify with INFJ so all good now, and my boys are good as can be expected. Thank you so much for everyone sharing now days, everything has helped me understand WTH went wrong, happy to be still learning even at 57 💖
@@colleenprice3725 Tbf toxic and unfulfilling relationships would probably add up to about 8 years in total since I started seriously dating about 10 years ago lol. I've been single for 8 months now for that reason, realizing I should maybe stop and take a look at what's going on lol. Usually I'd allow someone to come tempt me to just jump into the next one to get over the previous. But the point was just that that last relationship just had those episodes that seemed completely surreal, as detached communication as it can get, yet I kept it going.. Now I'm seriously tired though. It's not much compared to many other life spans, but it's more than enough for me lol.
I'm glad you got out of that 30 year stagnant jail though, damn.
This is super helpful Clay! Not depressing at all! Healthy relationships require a lot more work than we think. You're providing insights to my personal dilemmas, and being an INFJ myself, I have many:) Many thanks.
Another great informative video!
I never knew there were men like yourself...
Do I need to look for a partner based on Myers Briggs personality chart? It sure does get you to where your going quicker 😂 lol
Wow. Well, done.
Thank you for this video!
I had a Professor in College. She married a plumber. They have a great marriage. Her needs are met via her colleagues.
NOT. My narcissistic ex-husband and I played card games and other games all the time. It was always his way of feeling the winner and making sure that I was the loser. He hated it when I won anything. After 4 different counsellors I slammed the door on our "relationship". I can see how it would work with a couple where both are NORMAL and HEALTHY though.
What about Trust? What if you dont Trust someone's actions?Is that part of emotional intimacy
This is GOOD shit sir!!!
We can work it out. We can work it out.
Emotional, intellectual, sexual, values, quality time. Indeed, though I am sceptical if 5 out of 5 is feasible, that would be rare I think. I would add to that, willingness to learn ad grow together. I guess if one cares about their partner, one would be willing to.
Is it possible do you think that we can only reach those 5 out of 5 only when we have fully actualized.?
I’ve been looking for that soul mate for so long and have left several marriages because I couldn’t get to that place . But then I realize being an INFJ , HSP and Pisces and variables from my childhood all add up to the me , being a difficult person indeed and even though I’ve been working on myself since grad school only now that I know who I am not ,am I only starting to realize who I am and only then will my eyes be truly open to the possibility of meeting that one .
Ok so how can I improve for this person to meet these needs through emotional trauma? My man is more like you. I was raised only by my father and well he was abusive in every way. I’m in therapy but I don’t feel like I’m getting somewhere fast enough to improve my relationship
Regarding sexual intimacy, people who are disconnected from their own emotional intimacy and do not need deep relationships, can totally have good sex without deep intimacy and they just love it like that. They are totally uninteresting to me but these people do exist and live this way.... basically do not need more than what is for me superficial intimacy.... I actually think that most people are like this and what you describe here as the 5 pillars apply more to people who are INFJ, which is why it is hard for us cos we look for depth and understanding in each pillar...
Wow... I have more of greek ruins than 5 pillars.
I chalk it up to lack of experience. It only took me fifteen years of being married to realize it 😅
I really am interested in this video but I can't turn the volume up high enough to get it.
hmm weird.
We think a lot alike. In my mid 50's I think I found the gal who hits me on 5 cylinders (pillars). I too feel that emotional intimacy is the cornerstone. Sex without it is vacant. Sex only on a physical level denies soul. Emotional intimacy strengthens the other pillars.
Do you think two infjs in a romantic relationship will thrive, despite all the similarities??
I am in a relationship with another INFJ and although we share similar blind spots that we need to mutually work on, we have an extremely deep and fulfilling relationship.
Fellow INFJ understanding myself and my purposes in this life through God’s revelation and Christian Counseling for years!
You know what you mean to me?! You mean so much to me, so much I can´t describe, it seems to be more than love and it seems to be more stronger. You mean so much to me, you´re like a rainbow in the sky, cause you´re the one I wanna hold and you´re the one I miss at night. You mean so much to me, you are every breathe I take. You mean the world to me and the fire that burns inside me. You mean too much to me, sometimes it mades me hurt, cause I know we should be together, forever and ever! So hold me tight, make me dream of you at night, take your arms around me, and show me how it wanna be, to feel you next to mine, when our sun starts to shine. Hatuk Hill
"How healthy is your relationship?"
I'm not in one, so you tell me😪
Completely understand. But, realize that if they are not providing love, honesty, and respect, then you are better off alone, until you do find those attributes.
some things to watch out for then when you do get into one :)
❤️
This is like Joe Beam's PIES, but Shared Interests makes it SPIES.
What is Lexi's story? Was she single, holding out for you as you figure out when you were going to end your crappy marriage?
To me this all sounds like more what an extrovert needs. Personally, as an introvert, I need WAY more space than this to be comfortable in any relationship, be it with a partner, friend or my kids. We are all unique, for sure.
The depth of a relationship has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert. But yes agreed we are all different.
Unfortunately, this video as insightful as it is, is also pretty sad because it only proves how complicated relationships are and how clueless the majority of humanity is when it comes to finding the right partner. Even us, INFJs struggle to get there. It pains me to know how people marry each other or get together to use each other consciously or subconsciously, for money, status, comfort... And it has been going on for forever. If ever we evolve to be so intentional about it and the pursuit for a high quality relationship becomes the norm, that'll be 100 of years away in an utopian society where money and hunger are no longer issues.
Quality time should never be penciled in. Should be spontaneous no one says always have to set one hour 9pm Tuesday quality time such pressure it's not quality quantity
No very helpful. Wish I had this kind of information years ago. I feel like I made wiser decisions in my life and my life would be more stable. I didn't come from a family with that I really stable foundation and in all relationship types over all. I will pray that God keeps on blessing you with information to help all kinds of people in the world. You are a voice of reason and the fact that most people can't afford to pay for therapy you are very valuable person in the world. I hope me saying I will pray for you does not offend you. I pray for all kinds of people.
Correction in one of my statements: I would have made wiser decisions.
Hmm. Instead of a Ken doll I think a Clay doll would be appropriate here. Got Merch?
I have a situation where I am friends with a INFJ female who said our emotional intimacy and connection is strong. The only thing
Is she said she doesn’t see me as a sexual partner. What I realize is that she gets what she wants from me and then has sex with other dudes. Girls are really mess up in the fact that they go for dudes with not emotional connection. Lol
The INFJ needs intellectual and physical stimulation from their partners. We want the total package beautiful and smart LOL.
🌬 " WE ARE SOLID AS ROCK ". 🪨 👉🏽 MY FRIEND 💯 KEEP UP THE GOOD WORKZ 👍🏾 CLAY. 💜 NAMSTAE 🙏🏾😝🇺🇸☮