When it comes to dating with social anxiety, is there anything specific that has worked well for you? Anything that HASN'T worked so well? Share it here so we can help those with social anxiety CHANGE their story when it comes to dating IN SPITE OF anxiety.
I didn't go on a date until I was about 34 yrs old. After that, there was a period of about 3 yrs before I went on another date. Now, I'm 41 and I haven't dated at all because of S.A.D. I'm TERRIFIED of embarrassing myself. I want to date, but the fear is so real that I haven't been able to do it. I don't want to end up alone. I feel so hopeless. I would have rather had a physical disability rather than a mental/emotional disability. I feel people would be more understanding and not think I'm just strange or weird or crazy. They definitely know something is wrong, they just have NO clue what it is. I'm so glad I came across your channel. I've had a hard time finding help for S.A.D. Thank you for highlighting S.A.D. and offering video on so many subjects related to this disorder.
@@zxe5juThis comment is so real. I hear you and I see you. So many people feel this way, and I appreciate you being willing to share. The fear of embarrassment is something you can practice overcoming, one tiny step at a time AND it's understandably difficult to even consider going there. I'm so grateful that you've received some value from the videos. Don't hesitate to let me know if there's ever a social anxiety question or topic that would be helpful for me to address.
The pattern of avoidance is definitely something I struggle when dealing with social anxiety. It really resonated with me when you said we tend to put things off, I think one thing that rlly helped me was forcing myself into volunteering/working in a job that is very customer facing so I got exposure in uncomfy situations. In terms of dating, I can't say anything because I haven't asked anyone out despite getting my college degree, I feel like I am already behind in social skills so idk how to get caught up
@@HermesCheese I am so happy to hear that you were willing to challenge yourself when choosing a job. Honestly, the willingness to challenge oneself a bit (and be uncomfortable) is the most important skill when working to improve anxiety. Any chance you're wiling to apply that same spirit to dating? You can view it as a personal challenge to ask a certain number of people to hang out over a certain period of time. It will not be easy (and may involve some rejection), but anxiety is uncomfortable but not dangerous. And, it will be the best way to practice social skills.
For me it wasn't getting a relationship going that was the biggest challenge, it was the constant and neverending anxiety of maintaining the relationship.
My thing with social anxiety is not so much thinking that the person will reject but feeling so nervous and uncomfortable that I shake and can’t even drink or grab a fork , I start panicking thinking that people will notice I start ssweating and I feel like escaping. I don’t know how to stop the shaking thing in my hands it’s embarrassing and not only happens on romantic situations
Ughhh, I really hate to hear that. I hope you've been able to (or will be able to) get some support so that you can heal in a positive way. Totally understandable that abuse would lead to anxiety and fear in romantic relationships.
I'm 35 and I've barely dated and I'm absolutely terrible at it but people kind of expect me to know what I'm doing by now. It's really difficult and I have no idea how to dress or act or what people are expecting of me, especially regarding physically intimacy. Also a lot of people tell me that I'm too quiet or seem nervous on the dates. I'm also really bad at standing up for myself and setting boundaries. And I am too shy to dress nice, so I wear baggy pants and sweaters, and sneakers. I'm terrified to wear heels
Thank you for sharing your experience @lalasparkles. I'm sure lots of people can relate to this - dating with anxiety is HARD. I would definitely recommend taking baby steps. It's hard to make changes in all of the areas you mentioned overnight. And, if at all possible (and if you're open to it), working with a therapist might help a lot. The therapist could work with you on identifying the thought patterns that might be getting in the way, talking through some behavioral goals you could set, and even doing some role plays to help you get practice with behaviors such as boundary setting and engaging in conversations on dates.
Every single point hit home! The way you phrased the different "lessons" made me aware of things I did unconsciously, or things that I wanted but couldn't put into words. This video is really helpful, thank you so much!
I'm a 39 year old guy that has SA. I have never had a girlfriend and I've only dated once after asking a girl out through a text message. We didn't really advance in the relationship because I was too shy to really speak and connect with her. That was 15 years ago. I am currently working with a lot of women and they have urged me to ask someone out and have fun. I would always tell them that I'm not interested in dating anyone at work. I'm not really interested in any of my co-workers because they keep up too much drama and talk about everything with everyone and I don't want everyone in my business. Because I've been working mostly 10-12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week I rarely have time to go out and meet people. I don't really drink alcohol much and bars are not my scene. I have SAD and going to a bar to meet new people isn't something I think I could do. I also feel that the people I'd meet at bars wouldn't match well with me. I've always preferred meeting people through volunteer type work or social groups. I would participate in such things; however, I can't because of how I work. I never dated in high school and I never really got that early developmental experience with dating. I have also played the "waiting game" for the past 15 years or more. I've just never felt I was in the right place to date. I do realize that right now I am in a good position to find someone. A couple of weeks ago, I started working with a new girl that seems to have a similar energy to me. She's a sweet person and attractive but she doesn't seem to quite have much in common with me. My co-workers urged me to ask her out saying that we look like we were made for each other. I could kind of see myself with her and she is somewhat attractive to me, so I asked her out through facebook. I know I should have done it face-to-face but I could never chalk up the nerve to do it. She replied and told me that I'll find someone someday and that we could all hang out (the whole group) not on a date but just in general. I wasn't crushed by it and surprisingly it wasn't devastating to see her again. I just shrugged it off and acted as if nothing happened and so did she. Everyone else knew I asked her out but they stopped talking about us dating. I'm not hurt by the rejection but I am a bit depressed because I do want to date again. I want more than just a casual friendship. I don't even have close friends that I hang out with. I'm not suicidal or anything and I do plan on leaving that job sometime in the coming year. but I just don't know if/when I'll find that person. I've had what I feel are near misses but I can never say if those ladies would have actually dated me. I don't like the idea of randomly asking out strangers. Also, I would like to date a certain type of person. Someone that has similar interests or passion for something in life. That way I can have something to share with that person. I don't know if that's an idealization or a realistic expectation. I want something to bond around and that's why I like to meet people through volunteer work-type situations. I can't really afford talk therapy or an online solution like Better Help. Do you have any advice?
Hi there. I missed the email alert regarding your comment, and I apologize for the delay. Thank you for sharing your experience. First off, I just want to say that I really appreciate your story about taking the leap and asking your coworker out. And, the piece about finding that the rejection was not as devastating as you may have expected (or as others might generally think) is so important. Rejection can be awful, no doubt, AND sometimes it's not as bad as we think. As for ideas for best next steps, here are a few: The workbook below is a good self-help resource for improving social anxiety. www.amazon.com/Managing-Social-Anxiety-Cognitive-Behavioral-Treatments/dp/0195336690/ref=asc_df_0195336690/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312643571004&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=649071591320085455&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9010794&hvtargid=pla-469943922440&psc=1 The website below offers many articles, videos, and personal stories about overcoming social anxiety. nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/ If you're interested in therapy at all, I'll be starting a new round of social anxiety group therapy services very soon, and I'm scheduling clients now. Group is often a less expensive option for treatment (compared to individual services) and a great opportunity for support and practicing social skills. Feel free to reach out to me at drfranks@bashfulandbright.com if you want to learn more.
If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place. Just do it (easier said than done), there’s nothing to lose, the worse that will happen is they say no, buts that’s fine because you can always ask someone else. You can even try to get to know different women as friends, that way there is no pressure on either of you and if it blossoms then great.
@@123reletive123 I've had women laugh in m face after asking them out then tell everyone else that was in our group. Also I; am afraid of asking out someone in the wrong setting. If she's someone you've been working with for some time, it can be awkward after she says no and you go back to work seeing her again. You can't jut be friends or do anything with her after being rejected like that. Unless you find someone else.
I love the last tip about suggesting an environment where you feel more comfortable. I find that when I suggest that I always get told "let's do drinks" - any suggestions on how to handle this?
Being a woman, how do i ask out a guy? I have this traditional idea that he should ask me out. The only thing i do is slide into his dms. The conversation goes on and even if he doesn't ask, does that mean he is not interested? I am from India. We were not allowed to date during school. During college i didn't try. And now i am sitting here thinking i should start somewhere. But where
Maybe subtly do things when hanging out. Tell him he has beautiful eyes, or touch his hand when talking and laughing. He might be just as nervous as you are. If he is certain that you are interested, and the feeling is mutual, there will be much less pressure for him to ask you out.
The biggest issue might not even going on a date. What about the rest of your life. People without anxiety like to do things, going out together. If you can't do this, it will feel like living on a rope 😂 (Been there, done that. Never ever going to happen again)
When it comes to dating with social anxiety, is there anything specific that has worked well for you? Anything that HASN'T worked so well? Share it here so we can help those with social anxiety CHANGE their story when it comes to dating IN SPITE OF anxiety.
I didn't go on a date until I was about 34 yrs old. After that, there was a period of about 3 yrs before I went on another date. Now, I'm 41 and I haven't dated at all because of S.A.D. I'm TERRIFIED of embarrassing myself. I want to date, but the fear is so real that I haven't been able to do it. I don't want to end up alone. I feel so hopeless. I would have rather had a physical disability rather than a mental/emotional disability. I feel people would be more understanding and not think I'm just strange or weird or crazy. They definitely know something is wrong, they just have NO clue what it is. I'm so glad I came across your channel. I've had a hard time finding help for S.A.D. Thank you for highlighting S.A.D. and offering video on so many subjects related to this disorder.
@@zxe5juThis comment is so real. I hear you and I see you. So many people feel this way, and I appreciate you being willing to share. The fear of embarrassment is something you can practice overcoming, one tiny step at a time AND it's understandably difficult to even consider going there.
I'm so grateful that you've received some value from the videos. Don't hesitate to let me know if there's ever a social anxiety question or topic that would be helpful for me to address.
The pattern of avoidance is definitely something I struggle when dealing with social anxiety. It really resonated with me when you said we tend to put things off, I think one thing that rlly helped me was forcing myself into volunteering/working in a job that is very customer facing so I got exposure in uncomfy situations. In terms of dating, I can't say anything because I haven't asked anyone out despite getting my college degree, I feel like I am already behind in social skills so idk how to get caught up
@@HermesCheese I am so happy to hear that you were willing to challenge yourself when choosing a job. Honestly, the willingness to challenge oneself a bit (and be uncomfortable) is the most important skill when working to improve anxiety.
Any chance you're wiling to apply that same spirit to dating? You can view it as a personal challenge to ask a certain number of people to hang out over a certain period of time. It will not be easy (and may involve some rejection), but anxiety is uncomfortable but not dangerous. And, it will be the best way to practice social skills.
For me it wasn't getting a relationship going that was the biggest challenge, it was the constant and neverending anxiety of maintaining the relationship.
My thing with social anxiety is not so much thinking that the person will reject but feeling so nervous and uncomfortable that I shake and can’t even drink or grab a fork , I start panicking thinking that people will notice I start ssweating and I feel like escaping. I don’t know how to stop the shaking thing in my hands it’s embarrassing and not only happens on romantic situations
My biggest fear is going over that physical barrier from 'friendship' to 'imtimate' and of being hit, because my first experience was abusive 💔 😔
I’m so sorry you went through that❤️
Ughhh, I really hate to hear that. I hope you've been able to (or will be able to) get some support so that you can heal in a positive way. Totally understandable that abuse would lead to anxiety and fear in romantic relationships.
Superb crystallization of ideas I share with my clients with social anxiety. These videos need more views!
Thank you so much for watching @alexanderalexandrou and leaving this feedback.
I'm 35 and I've barely dated and I'm absolutely terrible at it but people kind of expect me to know what I'm doing by now. It's really difficult and I have no idea how to dress or act or what people are expecting of me, especially regarding physically intimacy. Also a lot of people tell me that I'm too quiet or seem nervous on the dates. I'm also really bad at standing up for myself and setting boundaries. And I am too shy to dress nice, so I wear baggy pants and sweaters, and sneakers. I'm terrified to wear heels
Thank you for sharing your experience @lalasparkles. I'm sure lots of people can relate to this - dating with anxiety is HARD. I would definitely recommend taking baby steps. It's hard to make changes in all of the areas you mentioned overnight. And, if at all possible (and if you're open to it), working with a therapist might help a lot. The therapist could work with you on identifying the thought patterns that might be getting in the way, talking through some behavioral goals you could set, and even doing some role plays to help you get practice with behaviors such as boundary setting and engaging in conversations on dates.
Every single point hit home! The way you phrased the different "lessons" made me aware of things I did unconsciously, or things that I wanted but couldn't put into words. This video is really helpful, thank you so much!
You are so very welcome! I deeply appreciate this feedback and love knowing the video was helpful to you.
You're amazing! Thank you for sharing this.😊
Ahhh, you're so welcome. Thank you for leaving a comment.
I'm a 39 year old guy that has SA. I have never had a girlfriend and I've only dated once after asking a girl out through a text message. We didn't really advance in the relationship because I was too shy to really speak and connect with her. That was 15 years ago. I am currently working with a lot of women and they have urged me to ask someone out and have fun. I would always tell them that I'm not interested in dating anyone at work. I'm not really interested in any of my co-workers because they keep up too much drama and talk about everything with everyone and I don't want everyone in my business. Because I've been working mostly 10-12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week I rarely have time to go out and meet people. I don't really drink alcohol much and bars are not my scene. I have SAD and going to a bar to meet new people isn't something I think I could do. I also feel that the people I'd meet at bars wouldn't match well with me. I've always preferred meeting people through volunteer type work or social groups. I would participate in such things; however, I can't because of how I work. I never dated in high school and I never really got that early developmental experience with dating. I have also played the "waiting game" for the past 15 years or more. I've just never felt I was in the right place to date. I do realize that right now I am in a good position to find someone.
A couple of weeks ago, I started working with a new girl that seems to have a similar energy to me. She's a sweet person and attractive but she doesn't seem to quite have much in common with me. My co-workers urged me to ask her out saying that we look like we were made for each other. I could kind of see myself with her and she is somewhat attractive to me, so I asked her out through facebook. I know I should have done it face-to-face but I could never chalk up the nerve to do it. She replied and told me that I'll find someone someday and that we could all hang out (the whole group) not on a date but just in general. I wasn't crushed by it and surprisingly it wasn't devastating to see her again. I just shrugged it off and acted as if nothing happened and so did she. Everyone else knew I asked her out but they stopped talking about us dating.
I'm not hurt by the rejection but I am a bit depressed because I do want to date again. I want more than just a casual friendship. I don't even have close friends that I hang out with. I'm not suicidal or anything and I do plan on leaving that job sometime in the coming year. but I just don't know if/when I'll find that person. I've had what I feel are near misses but I can never say if those ladies would have actually dated me. I don't like the idea of randomly asking out strangers. Also, I would like to date a certain type of person. Someone that has similar interests or passion for something in life. That way I can have something to share with that person. I don't know if that's an idealization or a realistic expectation. I want something to bond around and that's why I like to meet people through volunteer work-type situations. I can't really afford talk therapy or an online solution like Better Help. Do you have any advice?
Hi there. I missed the email alert regarding your comment, and I apologize for the delay. Thank you for sharing your experience.
First off, I just want to say that I really appreciate your story about taking the leap and asking your coworker out. And, the piece about finding that the rejection was not as devastating as you may have expected (or as others might generally think) is so important. Rejection can be awful, no doubt, AND sometimes it's not as bad as we think.
As for ideas for best next steps, here are a few:
The workbook below is a good self-help resource for improving social anxiety.
www.amazon.com/Managing-Social-Anxiety-Cognitive-Behavioral-Treatments/dp/0195336690/ref=asc_df_0195336690/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312643571004&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=649071591320085455&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9010794&hvtargid=pla-469943922440&psc=1
The website below offers many articles, videos, and personal stories about overcoming social anxiety.
nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/
If you're interested in therapy at all, I'll be starting a new round of social anxiety group therapy services very soon, and I'm scheduling clients now.
Group is often a less expensive option for treatment (compared to individual services) and a great opportunity for support and practicing social skills. Feel free to reach out to me at drfranks@bashfulandbright.com if you want to learn more.
If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.
If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.
If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.
Just do it (easier said than done), there’s nothing to lose, the worse that will happen is they say no, buts that’s fine because you can always ask someone else.
You can even try to get to know different women as friends, that way there is no pressure on either of you and if it blossoms then great.
@@123reletive123 I've had women laugh in m face after asking them out then tell everyone else that was in our group. Also I; am afraid of asking out someone in the wrong setting. If she's someone you've been working with for some time, it can be awkward after she says no and you go back to work seeing her again. You can't jut be friends or do anything with her after being rejected like that. Unless you find someone else.
I love the last tip about suggesting an environment where you feel more comfortable. I find that when I suggest that I always get told "let's do drinks" - any suggestions on how to handle this?
So, a question for you before I answer. What would be an environment that you would find more comfortable for a first date?
This is so helpful thank you
So glad it was helpful. I appreciate your feedback.
This is exactly what i needed. You have no idea. God bless you.
I wish the same to you. So glad you found this helpful and took the time to comment.
Being a woman, how do i ask out a guy? I have this traditional idea that he should ask me out. The only thing i do is slide into his dms. The conversation goes on and even if he doesn't ask, does that mean he is not interested? I am from India. We were not allowed to date during school. During college i didn't try. And now i am sitting here thinking i should start somewhere. But where
Maybe subtly do things when hanging out. Tell him he has beautiful eyes, or touch his hand when talking and laughing. He might be just as nervous as you are. If he is certain that you are interested, and the feeling is mutual, there will be much less pressure for him to ask you out.
I'm almost 40 and avoided dating l for to get out of this mental hell
It's not too late. Social anxiety can improve. It's not easy necessarily, but it's possible.
The biggest issue might not even going on a date. What about the rest of your life. People without anxiety like to do things, going out together. If you can't do this, it will feel like living on a rope 😂 (Been there, done that. Never ever going to happen again)