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So I have been following you for a very long time. Like 2015/2016 and this is not meant to be rude at all but as an autistic person: I already kind of have the feeling you were autistic all the time I followed you😅. I'm very happy you have gotten your diagnosis! I got mine in 2014 and my life has improved a lot and I hope yours will too! Edit: I also was misdiagnosed and mistreated until my diagnosis. It's awful that society won't take you seriously unless you have a piece of paper with evidence how you need to be treated.
I'm a long time follower too that in recent years found out they are autistic. I didn't suspect autism cause I didn't even suspect it for myself at the time 😅 but had the thought clicking this video "what if she's going to share that she's autistic?" Because so many people I feel connected to are now sharing their journey finding out they're autistic. It helps relieve part of my imposter syndrome lol
These last two videos have absolutely mirrored my own feelings minus the official diagnosis but it opens my eyes to the idea of actually being evaluated. I never took into consideration how much a diagnosis would improve things by just affirming that I would be in fact autistic. Thank you for sharing parts of this journey. I'm happy you're finding yourself even when it's hard. ❤ you ARE valid.
Rebecca, I have never commented on a video before but I have been watching your videos since 2015. I found your channel when I was in a very difficult place in my life and the way you described your struggles and how you think, I had never found someone online or in person who I related to in such a deep way. I was diagnosed as autistic last December at the age 26 and when I saw that you had been diagnosed aswell it made so much sense why I felt so seen in you.i just want to say thank you for making me feel less alone when I felt I was the only person who felt and thought the way I do. And I know you must have done the same for so many undiagnosed autistic people. Thank you ❤
The most exhausting part of late diagnosis for me was the processing and re-contextualising my entire life. I feel like when we get our diagnoses we should also be given a support person and guide to help us through the next few years of discovery and affirmation, also help with getting all those access needs met and just figuring it all out. I’m glad that so many folks share their experiences online, it really helped me through that time.
You have the most beautiful eyes. Rebecca, your amazing and just because you have been diagnosed with your condition, doesn’t change who you are. You are amazing, a powerful woman and don’t ever forget that. You have helped so many people around the world 👍 Please keep up the amazing vids. You rock !!
After years of watching you and being on the spectrum myself, it brings me great joy to see you doing well and seeing support from other people :) Hearing how you talked with your friend who is also nurodivergent was one of the best explinations I have heard on explaining it. I have always fundamentally understood that certian people I can connect with differently and everything just propperly flows but I have always struggled to find words for this or exactly why. I have also struggled greatly with relationships, in different ways but I think that is common for everyone as relationships are just complex. Regardless very happy that you are being you!
this is awesome i was lucky and was diagnosed at 9 i still struggle all the time its a constant learning curve but i think you are awesome and ive followed for donkeys years at this point. im glad that you finally have a little bit more clarity in your life and i hope your journey will go well even with the struggles. keep being awesome
I’m so glad you finally have some answers, I hope that you find someone you can trust to talk about all this with. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 7 but only told when I was 11 - it was fairly traumatic for me, I’m 21 now and still figuring myself out. Sending you so much love, we’re right behind you ❤
Oh gosh I love your videos. I've loved watching your videos since ~2014 and I always find you so engaging and your words so insightful. I'm so grateful for your perspective on all of this. Love seeing how you're learning to take care of yourself and to share that self with the rest of the world
Wow this video and the way you articulated it. Incredible !! I’m currently going through the long process of adhd diagnosis Really resonates with me what you said about how neurodivergents see the world slightly different. And I really feel a lot of the same feelings you do It’s really really comforting to know and have someone explain it so well x Thankyou
I have been following you for many years. I have always appreciated your content and what you shared about how you experience life. I remember years ago you posted a video about a diagnosis you received but at that time you explained it to be private and so you did not share what you "had". At that time my mind immediately went to autism and so I was surprised you are just recently diagnosed. I am mostly relieved for you as I imagine how validating it feels after all the struggle you've been through. I received a late diagnosis for adhd so to a certain degree I can relate to your experience. I hope you continue to share whatever you feel comfortable to share about your experience in life, may it be your interests, hobbies, life events. I enjoy and appreciate your 'voice' Rebecca
I finally got my diagnosis when I was 38 years old. I was so relieved, but I had to kind of grieve for the lost time. Years and years of self hate, failed therapies and medication (got many false diagnoses), soul searching and doubt. And then finally I got the papers that say, there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just different. So, I resonate so much with everything you said!
Well done for persevering through the medical system! It is very interesting to hear that even after knowing yourself and a self-diagnosis, you found the official diagnosis so life-changing. I had assumed it's not worth it (for me) to struggle through the medical system and then nothing would actually change. So, I'd like to learn more, if you are happy to share. In any case, all the best to you!
Being an older viewer from the TrichJournal days, I never knew that I had trichotillomania or OCD. This has helped me get the help I have needed all along. I'm thinking about going forward I should get more testing done because I'm very stressed in situations and it feels like maybe that's something that I have been missing.
It's such a shame that so much of your early life was basically robbed from you....seeing how you are going forward is a great encouragement and support for others that you have shared your journey with....best wishes for the future and hopefully you will continue to let us know how you are processing all the struggles of your new life.
Finally getting the official diagnosis of C-PTSD in 2021 was absolutely life changing. It was the starting point of actually healing and not being perceived as a hypochondriac. I am so unbelievably happy for you! I see you! 💞
I think everyone has said it better, but I just wanted to send my thanks for sharing yourself and support out here as well. I have watched you on since 2014 I believe, I can't believe it has been that long, and have always really related to you, almost to the point where you were my brain. I find it really serendipitous that you got your diagnosis and I have been questioning my brain this year as well, since I was researching ADHD for my friend. Never know if its just trauma or not. Anyways rambled off there I just want to wish you the best either way.
I refer to myself as Neuro-Spicy, because it makes neuro-divergence sound more exciting! On a serious note, I am so happy for you, and also I find this all very relatable. When you said you felt that you were allowed to struggle now that you have your diagnosis, that really articulated what I have gone through too. Keep going! You're doing great!
I have never commented, but seeing you get diagnosed gives me hope. I have been watching you since I was in high school late 2011/2012. I always identified with you in your videos and I am now starting to realize why. I always understood your thought processes and never found them to be unnatural, even when you struggled to articulate your feelings. I was diagnosed with ADHD (in late 2015) and now looking back at my life and currently, I wonder if I also have Autism, I hope to get a diagnosis at some point. As you said in your video I also find diagnoses (especially correct ones) to be really life-affirming. Cheers to finally getting diagnosed Rebecca
As a viewer who has been watching since 2014 and watches your twitch streams when I can, I'm glad that you have diagnosis you needed and hope everything goes better for you in the future. Im also happy in seeing the comments being a positive place so far. 😃
You helped normalize and educate an entire audience about a truly underrepresented population throughout all these years. You helped me overcome my anxiety about my own issues. Thank you for sharing this, and there is a lot I’m sure coming up for you now. But just know that a lot of us are in similar positions, and you will come out the other side of this time.
There's a lot of misinformation being put out about autism, a lot of it is just ableist rubbish like that film Sia made, Music. There are people that seem to equate autism with being intellectually challenged. Certainly the SEN teachers at my high school seemed to think so. (I'm the same age as you, Beckie)
I'm really happy that you can better understand yourself, Rebecca. "I just want to be allowed to be me" is a beautiful way to put it; I hope the love you've received after announcing this has felt like you are. Keep being you. Keep paddling, doing art, loving the cats, following Jesus and whatever else it is you want. Pray that you find more peace in your life and a partner to share that peace with. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this. It might sound a little strange but I am so happy for you, that you've received your diagnosis. I am 36 and all my life I have struggled with many of the things you mentioned and I am currently in the system for autism testing. I'm currently in a position where I feel I am autistic and have add/ADHD but at the same time have massive imposter syndrome fueled by my family not understanding why I would even want to seek a diagnosis. They make me feel completely invalidated, like I am making it all up. I've never been able to tell if someone likes me, I take everything literally and don't understand how or why there might be another way to view something, struggle to identify my own emotions at times much less anyone else's, I can't cope with a lot of noises or smells (even "good" ones), crowds, I have very poor executive functioning, I'm time blind, I hyper focus (almost always on the wrong thing) and procrastinate anything that I "need" to do, spend my days flitting from one task to the next rarely finishing any. I'm frequently told I'm over reacting (often when I'm actually suppressing how upset I really am), being intolerant and to just get over it when it feels like my brain is being attacked. And yet, I feel I have to fight to justify why I want to find out, even though it would explain so very much about me and everything that's happened to me, to the very people who should believe me the most. So, I understand. I understand why your diagnosis is so important to you and I am so happy for you. I grieve for your young self and the mistreatment and misdiagnosis you've been through, I've experienced that too, it's time, pain, anxiety, anguish and life that we can't get back or change. I really hope it helps you to change your future to a happier, calmer, kinder one 💜
Thank you for continuing to share out of your vulnerability to the extent that you do, and talking about things as you're going through them. It's something that I really appreciate, and I'm sure a lot of others do as well. It's annoying that a "proper" diagnosis seems to change so much, but it really does, doesn't it? I'm glad that it's been helpful in your life, even as it brings its own difficulties and challenges. And yes, goodness, navigating romance and sex and love with neurodiversity - when I figured out later in life that I was autistic, it felt like I had been trying to do these things blindfolded, or with my arms tied behind my back. I just really didn't know what I was doing. I didn't end up in as bad situations as I've heard about some people having, but it was hard. It's still hard these days, but at least I know why! And can try to work around it, and find people who understand or share that difficulty.
I have dermatillomania, and understanding it in the context of a stim just changed everything for me. I do better when I have stimming objects with me, but many of them make noises and this helped me to realized quiet dermatillomania is. Being creative looking for silent stims is something I am starting to figure out and it’s been at least a big aha moment already.
I have been following you for 9 or 10 years, we even met once at the meet and greet that you organised in Regent's Park. I have always related to you a lot, and I still do, even after this news.
Unrelated but what eyeliner do you use? I've been looking to switch from my black liquid liner to something brown and less harsh, and yours looks lovely!
I have followed you from very early on as i have trichotillomania, but i also have autism and adhd and i actually thought you were autistic the entire time and i was quite surprised you weren't diagnosed, and im genuinely so happy for you finally getting some answers! Anyone who has been hateful, and ive said this for years, are just lonely and vindictive, and i recognised a lot of my emotions, behaviour, stress intolerance, in you and your explinations and vlogs over the years and it made me less alone even then. I hope things only ever get easier for you now you have answers and can look back at things in a whole new light and be less hard on yourself for things too, easier said than done, especially for us neurodivergents, but sending all my happy positive energy to you! And honestly, from experience, im so happy you managed to keep going for so long seemingly alone and answerless, its so much more than hard, in general, but with individual experiences and troubles added too, seriously, its something to be proud of yourself for. 💕
I’m waiting on a diagnosis at the moment, when you spoke about not meaning to put yourself in a dangerous situation it made me remember how I was being groomed online at 17. At the time I wouldn’t have put it down to being autistic but now it’s made me reconsider how autism might have had a large part in my thought processes at that time
As a fellow late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman, you are not alone. So much of what you're going through mirrors my own journey. My biggest issue currently, is that my managers want me to be more social, despite knowing that I'm neurodivergent. In my previous job, it was much less important. I keep telling them "I can try, but it's never going to come naturally, or come across like a typical person. You might just have to be happy with what I can give you." Because at a certain point, it's like they're trying to turn me into a different person.
The Big Video is amazing, it reads as a documentary about the experience of an undiagnosed/misdiagnosed autistic woman. In terms of whether the diagnosis changes everthing ... what's seismic is, you've now got a lasting framing for pretty much all the things you struggle with, simultaneously. The struggles are still there, but I guess you don't need to worry about whether your framing of them will change in 3 years' time - again? You can carry on settling into this framing for the rest of your life?
I've been a long time subscriber. And long time instagram-follower. It's good to see you doing longer form videos on the Tube. I feel extremely wary about self diagnosis when it comes to autism. And for very good reason. But at school, an extremely strict, but experienced teacher noted I was acting "not normally". And referred me to an expert, who came in. My mother came in too. We had a discussion, which I didn't understand. And I wasn't privy to the outcome of. But to paraphrase my mother's prognosis. "Well. If he has something. It will show later on in life". And that just wasn't followed up on at any point for the next 3 years in primary school. I suspect because I was just masking, and had teachers who were far more kind and relaxed in their teaching styles. So I suspect, there was something. And this showed during secondary education, sixth form, and university. I think this could explain a lot. And with a potential ADD diagnosis. But again. If I were to be diagnosed or not diagnosed.. That wouldn't change much for me.. I don't know if at this point I should go for a late diagnosis.. I will think about it. I can afford to get a private diagnosis, which I understand is a luxury. I feel sorry for those, like yourself having to jump through a billion hoops to get an answer to a question.
All the things you mentioned about having a diagnosis and getting one, I have and am experiencing. I make a distinction between what labels i need to function in the system (for me dyslexia and autism), and what helps me in self-discovery. The difference being I am 100% autistic for the system all the time always, But I don't categories some autistic behavior as autistic. Because to me it's a better way of being in some cases and I am even proud i think or do things that way, its just part of me. I want to see everything in a room and hear everything in the hallway, It would be so boring to miss so much around me because i am not focusing on it like a neurotypical. I never miss something cool or inspiring because everything is in focus. That i get more tired and have burnouts is worth it to me.
Omg! I work with SEN kids and autistic kids are the greatest. Neurotypical people are kinda flavourless to me sometimes. Maybe that's why I have enjoyed your channel so much? I hope everything is okay though. Sooo much more weight is added to neurodivergence than is necessary. People seem to need to classify and compartmentalise everything. You're *human* and the pathologising of neurodivergence is a massive disagreement for me. I want to add that it's Autism Spectrum Condition rather than "disorder". Different does not equal devalued. The diagnosis is great but the work comes afterwards. Learning the coping strategies and investigating your self in a healthy way. I'm so glad I saw the notification for this video ❤ Ps EDIT*. I wish we could hang out! Ps edit 2* same with ADHD medication being misprescribed to me as a kid due to childhood trauma caused by parents who covered up my behaviour as ADHD rather than the trauma THEY caused. There is also a massive overlap of the areas of (neurodivergence/kinky relationships/traumas)
Just seen your second edit: "There is also a massive overlap of the areas of (neurodivergence/kinky relationships/traumas)". Yup. Learning that too. Which confuses me heavily in regards to how I move forward or describe myself. Especially in dating scenes... people want to know what we are (which I understand), but it's complex. Can someone be Autistic, ADHD, demi-sexual, semi-asexual and happy with intense pressure and other fun, rather than sex? Seems not in my case so far. I battle with the term asexuality, but people who have been with me call me asexual... I just find this so overwhelming
@@beckiejbrown @beckiejbrown I think it's important to separate how medically trained professionals deal with things like autism vs how psychologists and teachers deal with it. Disorder - not ordered - not typical - not the norm - all medical types of perspectives. The are worded in terms of a 'problem'. In education, psychology, etc, we can't define ourselves as a problem because we have to live life in a fulfilling way. We have to BE. We have to be comfortable just BEING. And if a label such as "disordered" defines us it can be detrimental. So, condition is a nicer term and you'll see that used in schools. A condition - a state of being - a way of being - simply *this* and not *that* with no negative connotation. Simply not the most common configuration of brain. Sorry. That seemed accusing. I didn't mean you. I meant in general, the world, people* pathologise neurodivergence and I disagree with that. 100 years ago we simply were *just children* being children growing up to be bigger people. There was no really definite lines between autism/adhd etc. Now, there are so many boxes and labels to fit into... In relationships, I think the labels help describe our own preferences/needs/desires/boundaries in an easily digestible way. It helps communicate and therefore find what we want. For me, I'm bicurious but mainly straight. I love rope bondage for the intense pressure and compression sensation which SATSIFIES me but does not do anything for me sexually. I'm a bit kinky but I also want love. My needs which lead to me feeling intimate/safe/connected/attached etc are different to the neurotypical people I know. There's other kinks too. Not just rope. But the vocabulary helps me clarify so that I can more easily search through the pile of people I won't ever fit with.
Also, as a person who went through testing and not expecting at all to get diagnosed and blown away by it, I’m curious and ready to listen to you as a person who’s known for a long time I’m ready to listen about this perspective.
Hi Bec. My wife got diagnosed many years after we were married but that was added on to stuff she was diagnosed with around the time we did get married. And she's not defined by her disorders. We connect so deeply on important things to us. We just take care of each other as best we can and have a jolly good time within our rigidly defined parameters. It's hard of course because all her life she had to deal with the pain of being misunderstood until we got together. But we do just fine. Our relationship is a source of real security for both of us so, it is out there to be had. Maybe rare but it's out there. It has to be. But at any rate keep working at it. Get the therapy you might need. And keep in touch. I hope that was ok? Take care.
Rebecca, it's been a very long time since I've watched your videos (being a mom makes things wild) and I just watched your last video and there was a ton of clips of you in the past and i just have to say you look so healthy. Your shoulders, your arms, you look really good. I know just looking healthy doesnt mean you are. But i also know you've been trying to be healthier than you have been in the past and i honest can see your hard work paying off. I'm so proud of you. Truly. As a person who's been trying to get an ADHD diagnosis for the last +14 years, it is very hard to continue when you have been told over and over again that you're wrong. You are allowed to label, you are allowed to not have labels. You can do feel however you want, there is no wrong way to deal with a diagnosis. In the previous clips, i honestly dont know how i didn't see it before, because truly i see it now that you mentioned it. My husband is very similar to you and he is also self diagnosised as autistic. He truly doesn't have the money to try to get a diagnosis. So I know how exciting this diagnosis can be. But it can also be really frustrating because you had to go through this whole time without proper help.
Hi, Rebecca! I've been following you for about 10 years or so. Now my 2 year old daughter is at risk of getting an autism diagnosis (where I live you cannot be diagnosed earlier than 3 years old). I know, it may be a dumb thing to try and predict her future now, but everytime I think about what she may grow up to be, I think about you. I know that you have struggles in your life, but it makes me feel happy to think that she may become a talented, independent young woman like you one day.
Repeating oneself is often unavoidable, because you're never satisfied with whether something said or done has been understood by another person. Realising things were taken in unexpected ways often is difficult to work out when it occurs. Even making what should be a simple phone call (or message) to a family member (or someone you feel you CAN try to talk to as they may understand) can often be a lot more difficult to deal with than you thought. It can seem like you're constantly justifying yourself, because you don't know how you're going to be (or react). But all this is probably obvious, so I won't go on about it. LOL.
On the “everyone is on the spectrum” thing people say. This might help: would you genuinely say to someone who is in generational poverty “but everyone has money problems”? That would be absolutely heartless and demonstrate a profound lack of understanding. That is how I feel when you say to me “yeah, well but we’re all on the spectrum though, aren’t we?”. I know it’s not as difficult as my first example. But it still hurts.
No wonder I felt a connection with you all those years ago, obviously on an unconscious level; I was also born autistic but remained undiagnosed most of my life. It's no coincidence that I have taken to watching RUclips again. I would say, take heart; as I have gotten older, I find my different and unique perspective to those around me (granted all perspectives are unique and individual, but I think you know what I mean) to have become more a blessing and less a curse. The universe is a truly and to me an increasingly marvelous place! There's always pain and there's always gain. That's part of being human. If we had no faults, we'd be other than human. As for this human, I continue to see a good person when I see Rebecca Jane Brown looking at us through the camera eye. Continue to learn, continue to grow. Modern medical advice has its role, but if you are well informed, you are your own best doctor. So above all, trust...YOU!!! LLAP
I have talk to so many psychiatrist that tell me they usually diagnosed people with autism when they don't really know what the person has. Lol they say it's usually to shut people up 😂
Try not to rush processing this so you can "have a life"; this IS your life. Processing is never finished. You'll keep altering your perspective. Find the joy in it, do it without haste and without shame or FOMO. If you are learning, you are living.
This is something I'm battling. One relationship I've been in, they didn't agree I was Autistic - they were Autistic - we weren't the same. Then I've been in a relationship where I've been upfront about being Autistic and talked about ADHD, but there's the misunderstanding that it's mental health (and remedied) or people's frustrations. As a 28+ year old, you're expected to know how to care for yourself and understand yourself... when we haven't been diagnosed and have a lifetime of mis-support. Finding it hard to date at all, but if I do find myself with someone - the difficulties are too strong. Either I don't put out, or 'get better' or they get frustrated. I don't feel I can date as I am, even if I want love. So without that... feel stumped. It feels like it has a hold over my life. I kinda wanted to move into a home with someone about now and still a single woman doing everything alone. I feel years away from any sort of connection. So yeah I can try to live a life, but so many barriers as a single person. In this figuring out zone.... I can see others are further along in that journey. I'm not ready to give up on love just yet. x
That second relationship type you describe is one I'm very familiar with, as well as encountering that expectation that I'm supposed to be able to improve or do things I cannot do. People want to see progress, but they don't understand limitations and you cannot actually show them. They're invisible. At 40, I'm a bit your senior, it seems, but still there are many things I haven't accomplished that others accomplished 20 years earlier. So I know the FOMO all too well. But I did finally come to accept that my life is not like theirs, and their expectations of me are not possible. There are many things I will not experience. But the same would have been true had I been neuro-typical. I now get to experience things 'normies' miss out on, and many of them are remarkable experiences. Everyone told you you're a dog, but you're a cat, and cats are great too. Just don't try to play fetch with one. That's not how us cats roll. We like our space, we like to just vibe on our own. We get a lot of our social time through osmosis, more than the full-on interaction that our energetic canine counterparts enjoy. But our lives are worth living for sure! I too am currently single, and have had some horrendous relationships that make me wonder if it's better if it stays that way. But I'm not in full control of my fate. I'm in the car, behind the wheel, but I didn't design the road, and I don't know where it leads. Maybe I find someone, maybe I don't. Either way, Alanis Morisette is on the radio so I'm gonna sing along with it and enjoy. One hand in my pocket...
Btw, on the topic of the other autistic person in the relationship claiming the autism all for themselves: You see this quite a bit for many aspects that humans feel they need help with. Our culture is a very competitive one, and that seeps into our needs too. There's a commonly held belief that "If you're getting the help you need, I won't be". This belief can be true, but it is often also a self-fullfilling prophecy. Be weary of this, both in others and in ourselves. The cooperative mindset can be a self-fullfilling prophecy too, but it's the lesser popular one. People see a lot of evidence against cooperation because the competitive mindset is creating so much evidence. Break the cycle. Reassure people around you that you CAN both have your cake and eat it too.
I think your diagnosis is extremely important to YOU but not very important to US. To me it is interesting but not important because you are the same Rebecca that we know and love.
I'm so happy to see you again. You make my day when you show up on my YT. I've enjoyed your company since you were BeckieO, quarreling with your "sister" Jennifer in videos that brimmed to overflowing with creativity. Though you don't know me, we grew wise together, slogging ahead on life's journey one hard step at a time, and I miss you when you're not nearby. I wonder if we might get together on a regular basis, say, once a week. Just a thought, my friend. Peace.
As you grow, in yourself, remember: Not every mask is bad. Sometimes it's really okay, just to not know if something you do, or a way you are, in life is a mask or not. Just roll with it. :-) Time will always bring to you the answer.
As always, sending you so much love. Those threads were awful (I’ve not looked at them in years because it’s horrible to hear such evil and hateful things) I know if it were me I would find it so so hard to not look at them. At the end of the day it’s what someone is saying about you. Just remember, if they’re still there, they’re hateful, awful people. You deserve this new stage of your life. This will all settle in, it’s been a year and a half of my adult diagnosis and I’m still trying to get my head around it. Don’t think you need a timeline or a limit. You deserve this, my life has become stupidly easier since my diagnosis. It’s ridiculous it takes this diagnosis to be seen as allowed to struggle or be given leeway. Never toxic. Don’t listen to them
Everything you said is validating, supportive, easy for me to understand. There was a sound, a vocal "Heh", that brought me back to your voice making "HAH" from your video "In the garden", that was a long time ago, it was new. I've been learning sign language (ASL) for the last two years, it's been the most amazing journey, you express gesturally very well. Should I try to be marked as autistic? They put me in a deaf class at age 9, I was always hyperacusis. I'm a bit like a squirrel, everything is stuck in my head, I understand River Tam from Firefly, people try to hold me back, I am supportive.
I have optical seizures, pressure paralysis, dizzy standing, dermagraphia, list-to-floor, I was quiet, extremely so, what's the difference between that and nonverbal, I don't know, point of view, oh wait, this is a good place for this "The Foundation of Respect is adopting people's decisions about themselves, not imposing on others, and letting go of decisions made about others" Making the world a better place~
I was lucky enough to find my first and only therapist ive ever been to. I told her I thought I had bpd and she told me no, that I need to look at adhd/autism further. She understood since she's also audhd. I know its hard, but finding a therapist that's also autistic or at least understands current research is really the only option that we have
My mom suggested finding a new therapist & an assessor in my new state. I refuse because I know what can happen, so I understand your fears & you're not alone.
Hi Becky! We are the same age and I’ve watched you since I was 16. I’ve watched your trials and tribulations and I’m delighted you have now got a diagnosis which i hope will help you to navigate the difficult times in life. You are certainly not autism. You just happen to be living with autism. You’re also funny and courageous and creative and a kayaker (?!) I’d be interested to hear more re: relationships and sex. I find it difficult to want the latter or I do and then it becomes overwhelming or I just can’t deal with it.
I’m glad that you’re avoiding a part of the internet that you know if specifically negative and triggering for you. It took a long time for me to reach the point where I could say “Ok, looking at this just makes me miserable, I can’t keep doing this.” I’m glad you were able to make that healthy decision for yourself.
When you filmed your cleaning video and were clearing out old clothes, and you could remember wearing a specific shirt in a specific video, I was amazed at your memory! I don't know much about autism, but you mentioned an autobiographical memory. Is that a common characteristic of this form of neurodivergence? It's like a super power!
Do they? Thank you. I didn't think they were as good as last year haha. I sort of lose it over winter. I intend to join a gym as it gets colder and there's less kayaking to do I kayak, so it's likely the kayaking. I do some weight stuff in my flat (the weights are in the pink boxes behind me on the right).
Damn…didnt realize we were the same age…im literally only 2 days older than you. I also have Trichotillomania which was why i came across you. I wish i could actually get to know you.
I'm with you, it does matter. If you feel like I do about my own diagnoses (which do NOT include autism) it does matter and labels do help. PS I hope you don't take this as me trying to tell you what to do but I remember many times when you said you connect better with cats than people and I'm curious how you feel that connects with your autism.
I figured out I was autistic a couple years ago and didn’t think it affected sex for me. Boy was I wrong. I figured out a while ago that I was severely masking every time and when I wasn’t masking I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I did. I ended up figuring out I’m on the asexual spectrum specifically aegosexual
Rebecca, I became aware that you were probably autistic about six years ago when I was diagnosed with it at the same time. I don’t mention this to congratulate myself. My diagnosis was heartbreaking and yet it was a gift. Because it was like the doctor handed me the correct prism through which I could view my life, putting my terrible decisions and my fractured relationships into proper perspective. A correct diagnosis was everything to me. It was the beginning of that journey toward complete understanding of the self. This is why so many people have “congratulated you“ for this new insight. And I don’t consider you a late diagnosis. I was 49 when I was diagnosed.
Getting a diagnosis that affects your entire life, for the entirety of your life, is a hard thing to deal with, even when you knew you had the thing you finally got diagnosed with. Most of the people I know are neuro divergent.
Becca, I’m a long term viewer, and I wanted to address the part of the video where you talk about all the hate and or criticisms you get. Obviously I don’t know you in real life, so I can’t speak to how you really are. But if we’re speaking of your online presence I hope you know that you never did anything (at least that I’m aware of) that would have warranted all the hate, harassment and invalidation you received. My heart absolutely breaks for you. You are such a humble, thoughtful and kind person. It seems to me that people have unjustly labeled you with mean things /misinterpreted harmless behavior of yours (often stemming from your autism like you said) in a negative way, which makes it hard to have self confidence and being overly self-critical a second nature. It’s true, nobody is perfect, but I hope you know you didn’t deserve any of this. I don’t know whether or not I have autism (looking to get an assessment soon), but you were always a safe space for me to go to during my teen years. And watching this video and your last has been very touching and emotional. I can definitely relate to the million thoughts in one’s brain and the difficulty of expressing oneself. So if any of this came out wrong/ or weird I apologize. I just wanted to make sure you had one voice in your life telling you that you are doing so well, that you are a wonderful person and that I’m sorry you had to go through so much hardship. Take care💙
I know you From TV show Scrubs, when patient was diagnosed with Trichotillomania i googled it and 1st result was your video. It was about 10 years ago 😅
Rebecca, everything you say is so so so understandable, relateable and mirror my feelings I've had for the couple of last weeks. I'm 49 next month and two weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. While that indeed is a lifechanging event for me, most people around me are like - ah, ok, now let's move on? While for me, I need to come to terms with almost 49 years in my life struggling, being misunderstood, being bullied etc. Everything that I've gone through in terms of struggle now stands out in a completely new light. It's exhausting, exhilarating, affirming, tiresome, tears-inducing ... and everything in between at the same time :( I wish you strength, happiness, joy, understanding and kindness in your steps forward! I've been following you for years and years, from your trichdays, your day-in-the-life photocollage, through all kinds of hardship. You deserve so much better than the struggle you've gone through.
Highly recommend the work of Dr. Devon Price if you're looking for resources abt navigating care and the world as an autistic person. Unmasking Autism in particular
There's such a weird gatekeeping thing going on with ASD. The hostility to self-diagnosis is often so strong. Late diagnosed and self-diagnosed are VALID.
We should leave diagnosing to professionals to be honest. It’s one think to think you have something and seek treatment and diagnosis, but to self diagnose is basically saying you know better than a psychiatrist. Which is why I don’t agree with Rebecca saying she suffers from adhd rejection sensitivity when she hasn’t actually gotten a diagnosis of ADHD. It’s like someone saying when they find a lump that they are self diagnosing with cancer.
I didn't *know* know that it was autism, not until the GP put us onto that, but I had known something was very long basically my whole life. I just didn't know I fit ASD specifically. When my mum started telling family that I've got the diagnosis, a few of them started saying like "of course she is, I already suspected." Why did no one tell us, man? Everyone else knew! AHHH
female presentation of neurodivergance is so underresearched and underrepresented that people dont understand how we work. im glad you got your dx and people are receptive! ive been following you for a while and im a adhder dxed in my 20s🩷
This was the video I referenced: ruclips.net/video/m0QL6z4g5ME/видео.html&ab_channel=RebeccaJaneBrown x
So I have been following you for a very long time. Like 2015/2016 and this is not meant to be rude at all but as an autistic person: I already kind of have the feeling you were autistic all the time I followed you😅. I'm very happy you have gotten your diagnosis! I got mine in 2014 and my life has improved a lot and I hope yours will too! Edit: I also was misdiagnosed and mistreated until my diagnosis. It's awful that society won't take you seriously unless you have a piece of paper with evidence how you need to be treated.
I'm a long time follower too that in recent years found out they are autistic. I didn't suspect autism cause I didn't even suspect it for myself at the time 😅 but had the thought clicking this video "what if she's going to share that she's autistic?" Because so many people I feel connected to are now sharing their journey finding out they're autistic. It helps relieve part of my imposter syndrome lol
These last two videos have absolutely mirrored my own feelings minus the official diagnosis but it opens my eyes to the idea of actually being evaluated. I never took into consideration how much a diagnosis would improve things by just affirming that I would be in fact autistic. Thank you for sharing parts of this journey. I'm happy you're finding yourself even when it's hard. ❤ you ARE valid.
Rebecca, I have never commented on a video before but I have been watching your videos since 2015. I found your channel when I was in a very difficult place in my life and the way you described your struggles and how you think, I had never found someone online or in person who I related to in such a deep way. I was diagnosed as autistic last December at the age 26 and when I saw that you had been diagnosed aswell it made so much sense why I felt so seen in you.i just want to say thank you for making me feel less alone when I felt I was the only person who felt and thought the way I do. And I know you must have done the same for so many undiagnosed autistic people. Thank you ❤
The most exhausting part of late diagnosis for me was the processing and re-contextualising my entire life. I feel like when we get our diagnoses we should also be given a support person and guide to help us through the next few years of discovery and affirmation, also help with getting all those access needs met and just figuring it all out. I’m glad that so many folks share their experiences online, it really helped me through that time.
You have the most beautiful eyes. Rebecca, your amazing and just because you have been diagnosed with your condition, doesn’t change who you are. You are amazing, a powerful woman and don’t ever forget that. You have helped so many people around the world 👍 Please keep up the amazing vids. You rock !!
I've been watching for many years. I am so happy to see you have your answer. I wish you the utmost peace on your post diagnosis journey
After years of watching you and being on the spectrum myself, it brings me great joy to see you doing well and seeing support from other people :) Hearing how you talked with your friend who is also nurodivergent was one of the best explinations I have heard on explaining it. I have always fundamentally understood that certian people I can connect with differently and everything just propperly flows but I have always struggled to find words for this or exactly why. I have also struggled greatly with relationships, in different ways but I think that is common for everyone as relationships are just complex. Regardless very happy that you are being you!
this is awesome i was lucky and was diagnosed at 9 i still struggle all the time its a constant learning curve but i think you are awesome and ive followed for donkeys years at this point. im glad that you finally have a little bit more clarity in your life and i hope your journey will go well even with the struggles. keep being awesome
I’m so glad you finally have some answers, I hope that you find someone you can trust to talk about all this with. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 7 but only told when I was 11 - it was fairly traumatic for me, I’m 21 now and still figuring myself out. Sending you so much love, we’re right behind you ❤
Oh gosh I love your videos. I've loved watching your videos since ~2014 and I always find you so engaging and your words so insightful. I'm so grateful for your perspective on all of this. Love seeing how you're learning to take care of yourself and to share that self with the rest of the world
Been following you since 2008 and I’m so glad to see how much you have changed and grown over the years as I have I.
Wow this video and the way you articulated it. Incredible !!
I’m currently going through the long process of adhd diagnosis
Really resonates with me what you said about how neurodivergents see the world slightly different. And I really feel a lot of the same feelings you do
It’s really really comforting to know and have someone explain it so well x
Thankyou
I have been following you for many years. I have always appreciated your content and what you shared about how you experience life. I remember years ago you posted a video about a diagnosis you received but at that time you explained it to be private and so you did not share what you "had". At that time my mind immediately went to autism and so I was surprised you are just recently diagnosed. I am mostly relieved for you as I imagine how validating it feels after all the struggle you've been through. I received a late diagnosis for adhd so to a certain degree I can relate to your experience. I hope you continue to share whatever you feel comfortable to share about your experience in life, may it be your interests, hobbies, life events. I enjoy and appreciate your 'voice' Rebecca
I finally got my diagnosis when I was 38 years old. I was so relieved, but I had to kind of grieve for the lost time. Years and years of self hate, failed therapies and medication (got many false diagnoses), soul searching and doubt. And then finally I got the papers that say, there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just different.
So, I resonate so much with everything you said!
Well done for persevering through the medical system!
It is very interesting to hear that even after knowing yourself and a self-diagnosis, you found the official diagnosis so life-changing.
I had assumed it's not worth it (for me) to struggle through the medical system and then nothing would actually change. So, I'd like to learn more, if you are happy to share.
In any case, all the best to you!
Being an older viewer from the TrichJournal days, I never knew that I had trichotillomania or OCD. This has helped me get the help I have needed all along. I'm thinking about going forward I should get more testing done because I'm very stressed in situations and it feels like maybe that's something that I have been missing.
It's such a shame that so much of your early life was basically robbed from you....seeing how you are going forward is a great encouragement and support for others that you have shared your journey with....best wishes for the future and hopefully you will continue to let us know how you are processing all the struggles of your new life.
Finally getting the official diagnosis of C-PTSD in 2021 was absolutely life changing. It was the starting point of actually healing and not being perceived as a hypochondriac. I am so unbelievably happy for you! I see you! 💞
I think everyone has said it better, but I just wanted to send my thanks for sharing yourself and support out here as well. I have watched you on since 2014 I believe, I can't believe it has been that long, and have always really related to you, almost to the point where you were my brain. I find it really serendipitous that you got your diagnosis and I have been questioning my brain this year as well, since I was researching ADHD for my friend. Never know if its just trauma or not. Anyways rambled off there I just want to wish you the best either way.
I appreciate you and thank you for making content.
Good luck with this journey. Big hug from Virginia, USA.
I refer to myself as Neuro-Spicy, because it makes neuro-divergence sound more exciting! On a serious note, I am so happy for you, and also I find this all very relatable. When you said you felt that you were allowed to struggle now that you have your diagnosis, that really articulated what I have gone through too. Keep going! You're doing great!
No matter what Beckie0 we love you 😄
I have never commented, but seeing you get diagnosed gives me hope. I have been watching you since I was in high school late 2011/2012. I always identified with you in your videos and I am now starting to realize why. I always understood your thought processes and never found them to be unnatural, even when you struggled to articulate your feelings. I was diagnosed with ADHD (in late 2015) and now looking back at my life and currently, I wonder if I also have Autism, I hope to get a diagnosis at some point. As you said in your video I also find diagnoses (especially correct ones) to be really life-affirming. Cheers to finally getting diagnosed Rebecca
As a viewer who has been watching since 2014 and watches your twitch streams when I can, I'm glad that you have diagnosis you needed and hope everything goes better for you in the future. Im also happy in seeing the comments being a positive place so far. 😃
You helped normalize and educate an entire audience about a truly underrepresented population throughout all these years. You helped me overcome my anxiety about my own issues. Thank you for sharing this, and there is a lot I’m sure coming up for you now. But just know that a lot of us are in similar positions, and you will come out the other side of this time.
There's a lot of misinformation being put out about autism, a lot of it is just ableist rubbish like that film Sia made, Music.
There are people that seem to equate autism with being intellectually challenged.
Certainly the SEN teachers at my high school seemed to think so. (I'm the same age as you, Beckie)
Thank you for this.
I'm really happy that you can better understand yourself, Rebecca. "I just want to be allowed to be me" is a beautiful way to put it; I hope the love you've received after announcing this has felt like you are. Keep being you. Keep paddling, doing art, loving the cats, following Jesus and whatever else it is you want. Pray that you find more peace in your life and a partner to share that peace with. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this. It might sound a little strange but I am so happy for you, that you've received your diagnosis. I am 36 and all my life I have struggled with many of the things you mentioned and I am currently in the system for autism testing. I'm currently in a position where I feel I am autistic and have add/ADHD but at the same time have massive imposter syndrome fueled by my family not understanding why I would even want to seek a diagnosis. They make me feel completely invalidated, like I am making it all up. I've never been able to tell if someone likes me, I take everything literally and don't understand how or why there might be another way to view something, struggle to identify my own emotions at times much less anyone else's, I can't cope with a lot of noises or smells (even "good" ones), crowds, I have very poor executive functioning, I'm time blind, I hyper focus (almost always on the wrong thing) and procrastinate anything that I "need" to do, spend my days flitting from one task to the next rarely finishing any. I'm frequently told I'm over reacting (often when I'm actually suppressing how upset I really am), being intolerant and to just get over it when it feels like my brain is being attacked. And yet, I feel I have to fight to justify why I want to find out, even though it would explain so very much about me and everything that's happened to me, to the very people who should believe me the most. So, I understand. I understand why your diagnosis is so important to you and I am so happy for you. I grieve for your young self and the mistreatment and misdiagnosis you've been through, I've experienced that too, it's time, pain, anxiety, anguish and life that we can't get back or change. I really hope it helps you to change your future to a happier, calmer, kinder one 💜
Proud of your journey
Thank you for continuing to share out of your vulnerability to the extent that you do, and talking about things as you're going through them. It's something that I really appreciate, and I'm sure a lot of others do as well.
It's annoying that a "proper" diagnosis seems to change so much, but it really does, doesn't it? I'm glad that it's been helpful in your life, even as it brings its own difficulties and challenges.
And yes, goodness, navigating romance and sex and love with neurodiversity - when I figured out later in life that I was autistic, it felt like I had been trying to do these things blindfolded, or with my arms tied behind my back. I just really didn't know what I was doing. I didn't end up in as bad situations as I've heard about some people having, but it was hard. It's still hard these days, but at least I know why! And can try to work around it, and find people who understand or share that difficulty.
I’m watching you since 2012 I believe. I’m happy that you got your diagnosis. It can be very very helpful
I have dermatillomania, and understanding it in the context of a stim just changed everything for me. I do better when I have stimming objects with me, but many of them make noises and this helped me to realized quiet dermatillomania is. Being creative looking for silent stims is something I am starting to figure out and it’s been at least a big aha moment already.
These videos mean so much to me.
Nothing but big love to you rebecca!
Catch you on the stream soon :)
I have been following you for 9 or 10 years, we even met once at the meet and greet that you organised in Regent's Park. I have always related to you a lot, and I still do, even after this news.
Unrelated but what eyeliner do you use? I've been looking to switch from my black liquid liner to something brown and less harsh, and yours looks lovely!
I have followed you from very early on as i have trichotillomania, but i also have autism and adhd and i actually thought you were autistic the entire time and i was quite surprised you weren't diagnosed, and im genuinely so happy for you finally getting some answers! Anyone who has been hateful, and ive said this for years, are just lonely and vindictive, and i recognised a lot of my emotions, behaviour, stress intolerance, in you and your explinations and vlogs over the years and it made me less alone even then. I hope things only ever get easier for you now you have answers and can look back at things in a whole new light and be less hard on yourself for things too, easier said than done, especially for us neurodivergents, but sending all my happy positive energy to you! And honestly, from experience, im so happy you managed to keep going for so long seemingly alone and answerless, its so much more than hard, in general, but with individual experiences and troubles added too, seriously, its something to be proud of yourself for. 💕
Thank you for continuing to share things with us
Me too! Myself and my partner, who is also autistic, both speak very anecdotally :)
I’m waiting on a diagnosis at the moment, when you spoke about not meaning to put yourself in a dangerous situation it made me remember how I was being groomed online at 17. At the time I wouldn’t have put it down to being autistic but now it’s made me reconsider how autism might have had a large part in my thought processes at that time
As a fellow late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman, you are not alone. So much of what you're going through mirrors my own journey. My biggest issue currently, is that my managers want me to be more social, despite knowing that I'm neurodivergent. In my previous job, it was much less important. I keep telling them "I can try, but it's never going to come naturally, or come across like a typical person. You might just have to be happy with what I can give you." Because at a certain point, it's like they're trying to turn me into a different person.
I was just thinking about you ❤ Good to seecyou Rebecca. Yes, your personal journey is ongoing but just down another path...❤
The Big Video is amazing, it reads as a documentary about the experience of an undiagnosed/misdiagnosed autistic woman.
In terms of whether the diagnosis changes everthing ... what's seismic is, you've now got a lasting framing for pretty much all the things you struggle with, simultaneously. The struggles are still there, but I guess you don't need to worry about whether your framing of them will change in 3 years' time - again? You can carry on settling into this framing for the rest of your life?
I've been a long time subscriber. And long time instagram-follower. It's good to see you doing longer form videos on the Tube.
I feel extremely wary about self diagnosis when it comes to autism. And for very good reason.
But at school, an extremely strict, but experienced teacher noted I was acting "not normally". And referred me to an expert, who came in. My mother came in too. We had a discussion, which I didn't understand. And I wasn't privy to the outcome of. But to paraphrase my mother's prognosis. "Well. If he has something. It will show later on in life". And that just wasn't followed up on at any point for the next 3 years in primary school. I suspect because I was just masking, and had teachers who were far more kind and relaxed in their teaching styles.
So I suspect, there was something. And this showed during secondary education, sixth form, and university. I think this could explain a lot. And with a potential ADD diagnosis. But again. If I were to be diagnosed or not diagnosed.. That wouldn't change much for me..
I don't know if at this point I should go for a late diagnosis.. I will think about it. I can afford to get a private diagnosis, which I understand is a luxury. I feel sorry for those, like yourself having to jump through a billion hoops to get an answer to a question.
All the things you mentioned about having a diagnosis and getting one, I have and am experiencing. I make a distinction between what labels i need to function in the system (for me dyslexia and autism), and what helps me in self-discovery. The difference being I am 100% autistic for the system all the time always, But I don't categories some autistic behavior as autistic. Because to me it's a better way of being in some cases and I am even proud i think or do things that way, its just part of me. I want to see everything in a room and hear everything in the hallway, It would be so boring to miss so much around me because i am not focusing on it like a neurotypical. I never miss something cool or inspiring because everything is in focus. That i get more tired and have burnouts is worth it to me.
Omg! I work with SEN kids and autistic kids are the greatest. Neurotypical people are kinda flavourless to me sometimes. Maybe that's why I have enjoyed your channel so much?
I hope everything is okay though.
Sooo much more weight is added to neurodivergence than is necessary. People seem to need to classify and compartmentalise everything.
You're *human* and the pathologising of neurodivergence is a massive disagreement for me.
I want to add that it's Autism Spectrum Condition rather than "disorder". Different does not equal devalued.
The diagnosis is great but the work comes afterwards. Learning the coping strategies and investigating your self in a healthy way.
I'm so glad I saw the notification for this video ❤
Ps EDIT*. I wish we could hang out!
Ps edit 2* same with ADHD medication being misprescribed to me as a kid due to childhood trauma caused by parents who covered up my behaviour as ADHD rather than the trauma THEY caused.
There is also a massive overlap of the areas of (neurodivergence/kinky relationships/traumas)
That's what my Mum does
Just seen your second edit:
"There is also a massive overlap of the areas of (neurodivergence/kinky relationships/traumas)".
Yup. Learning that too. Which confuses me heavily in regards to how I move forward or describe myself.
Especially in dating scenes... people want to know what we are (which I understand), but it's complex. Can someone be Autistic, ADHD, demi-sexual, semi-asexual and happy with intense pressure and other fun, rather than sex? Seems not in my case so far. I battle with the term asexuality, but people who have been with me call me asexual... I just find this so overwhelming
@@beckiejbrown @beckiejbrown I think it's important to separate how medically trained professionals deal with things like autism vs how psychologists and teachers deal with it. Disorder - not ordered - not typical - not the norm - all medical types of perspectives. The are worded in terms of a 'problem'. In education, psychology, etc, we can't define ourselves as a problem because we have to live life in a fulfilling way. We have to BE. We have to be comfortable just BEING. And if a label such as "disordered" defines us it can be detrimental. So, condition is a nicer term and you'll see that used in schools. A condition - a state of being - a way of being - simply *this* and not *that* with no negative connotation. Simply not the most common configuration of brain.
Sorry. That seemed accusing. I didn't mean you. I meant in general, the world, people* pathologise neurodivergence and I disagree with that. 100 years ago we simply were *just children* being children growing up to be bigger people. There was no really definite lines between autism/adhd etc. Now, there are so many boxes and labels to fit into...
In relationships, I think the labels help describe our own preferences/needs/desires/boundaries in an easily digestible way. It helps communicate and therefore find what we want. For me, I'm bicurious but mainly straight. I love rope bondage for the intense pressure and compression sensation which SATSIFIES me but does not do anything for me sexually. I'm a bit kinky but I also want love. My needs which lead to me feeling intimate/safe/connected/attached etc are different to the neurotypical people I know. There's other kinks too. Not just rope. But the vocabulary helps me clarify so that I can more easily search through the pile of people I won't ever fit with.
1st! Also this is super helpful as a person who was diagnosed a few months ago.
Also, as a person who went through testing and not expecting at all to get diagnosed and blown away by it, I’m curious and ready to listen to you as a person who’s known for a long time I’m ready to listen about this perspective.
Hi Bec. My wife got diagnosed many years after we were married but that was added on to stuff she was diagnosed with around the time we did get married. And she's not defined by her disorders. We connect so deeply on important things to us. We just take care of each other as best we can and have a jolly good time within our rigidly defined parameters. It's hard of course because all her life she had to deal with the pain of being misunderstood until we got together. But we do just fine. Our relationship is a source of real security for both of us so, it is out there to be had. Maybe rare but it's out there. It has to be.
But at any rate keep working at it. Get the therapy you might need. And keep in touch.
I hope that was ok? Take care.
Rebecca, it's been a very long time since I've watched your videos (being a mom makes things wild) and I just watched your last video and there was a ton of clips of you in the past and i just have to say you look so healthy. Your shoulders, your arms, you look really good. I know just looking healthy doesnt mean you are. But i also know you've been trying to be healthier than you have been in the past and i honest can see your hard work paying off.
I'm so proud of you. Truly. As a person who's been trying to get an ADHD diagnosis for the last +14 years, it is very hard to continue when you have been told over and over again that you're wrong.
You are allowed to label, you are allowed to not have labels. You can do feel however you want, there is no wrong way to deal with a diagnosis.
In the previous clips, i honestly dont know how i didn't see it before, because truly i see it now that you mentioned it. My husband is very similar to you and he is also self diagnosised as autistic. He truly doesn't have the money to try to get a diagnosis. So I know how exciting this diagnosis can be. But it can also be really frustrating because you had to go through this whole time without proper help.
Hi, Rebecca! I've been following you for about 10 years or so. Now my 2 year old daughter is at risk of getting an autism diagnosis (where I live you cannot be diagnosed earlier than 3 years old). I know, it may be a dumb thing to try and predict her future now, but everytime I think about what she may grow up to be, I think about you. I know that you have struggles in your life, but it makes me feel happy to think that she may become a talented, independent young woman like you one day.
Repeating oneself is often unavoidable, because you're never satisfied with whether something said or done has been understood by another person. Realising things were taken in unexpected ways often is difficult to work out when it occurs.
Even making what should be a simple phone call (or message) to a family member (or someone you feel you CAN try to talk to as they may understand) can often be a lot more difficult to deal with than you thought. It can seem like you're constantly justifying yourself, because you don't know how you're going to be (or react). But all this is probably obvious, so I won't go on about it. LOL.
On the “everyone is on the spectrum” thing people say. This might help: would you genuinely say to someone who is in generational poverty “but everyone has money problems”? That would be absolutely heartless and demonstrate a profound lack of understanding. That is how I feel when you say to me “yeah, well but we’re all on the spectrum though, aren’t we?”. I know it’s not as difficult as my first example. But it still hurts.
Life is Wibbly wobbly
I'm happy to say I have been subbed since Jan 2014 :D
No wonder I felt a connection with you all those years ago, obviously on an unconscious level; I was also born autistic but remained undiagnosed most of my life. It's no coincidence that I have taken to watching RUclips again. I would say, take heart; as I have gotten older, I find my different and unique perspective to those around me (granted all perspectives are unique and individual, but I think you know what I mean) to have become more a blessing and less a curse. The universe is a truly and to me an increasingly marvelous place! There's always pain and there's always gain. That's part of being human. If we had no faults, we'd be other than human.
As for this human, I continue to see a good person when I see Rebecca Jane Brown looking at us through the camera eye. Continue to learn, continue to grow. Modern medical advice has its role, but if you are well informed, you are your own best doctor. So above all, trust...YOU!!!
LLAP
You deserve all the kindness. :)
it just means your special. who wants to be like everyone else. ❤
The most precious of diamonds will have the tiniest flaw. Nobody is perfect, but you certainly come close. Take care of yourself.
Who on earth could be horrible to you Becky?!...you are awesome and don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise ❤ x
I have talk to so many psychiatrist that tell me they usually diagnosed people with autism when they don't really know what the person has. Lol they say it's usually to shut people up 😂
Try not to rush processing this so you can "have a life"; this IS your life. Processing is never finished. You'll keep altering your perspective. Find the joy in it, do it without haste and without shame or FOMO. If you are learning, you are living.
This is something I'm battling.
One relationship I've been in, they didn't agree I was Autistic - they were Autistic - we weren't the same.
Then I've been in a relationship where I've been upfront about being Autistic and talked about ADHD, but there's the misunderstanding that it's mental health (and remedied) or people's frustrations. As a 28+ year old, you're expected to know how to care for yourself and understand yourself... when we haven't been diagnosed and have a lifetime of mis-support.
Finding it hard to date at all, but if I do find myself with someone - the difficulties are too strong. Either I don't put out, or 'get better' or they get frustrated. I don't feel I can date as I am, even if I want love. So without that... feel stumped.
It feels like it has a hold over my life. I kinda wanted to move into a home with someone about now and still a single woman doing everything alone. I feel years away from any sort of connection. So yeah I can try to live a life, but so many barriers as a single person.
In this figuring out zone.... I can see others are further along in that journey. I'm not ready to give up on love just yet. x
That second relationship type you describe is one I'm very familiar with, as well as encountering that expectation that I'm supposed to be able to improve or do things I cannot do. People want to see progress, but they don't understand limitations and you cannot actually show them. They're invisible. At 40, I'm a bit your senior, it seems, but still there are many things I haven't accomplished that others accomplished 20 years earlier. So I know the FOMO all too well. But I did finally come to accept that my life is not like theirs, and their expectations of me are not possible. There are many things I will not experience. But the same would have been true had I been neuro-typical. I now get to experience things 'normies' miss out on, and many of them are remarkable experiences. Everyone told you you're a dog, but you're a cat, and cats are great too. Just don't try to play fetch with one. That's not how us cats roll. We like our space, we like to just vibe on our own. We get a lot of our social time through osmosis, more than the full-on interaction that our energetic canine counterparts enjoy. But our lives are worth living for sure!
I too am currently single, and have had some horrendous relationships that make me wonder if it's better if it stays that way. But I'm not in full control of my fate. I'm in the car, behind the wheel, but I didn't design the road, and I don't know where it leads.
Maybe I find someone, maybe I don't. Either way, Alanis Morisette is on the radio so I'm gonna sing along with it and enjoy. One hand in my pocket...
Btw, on the topic of the other autistic person in the relationship claiming the autism all for themselves: You see this quite a bit for many aspects that humans feel they need help with. Our culture is a very competitive one, and that seeps into our needs too. There's a commonly held belief that "If you're getting the help you need, I won't be". This belief can be true, but it is often also a self-fullfilling prophecy. Be weary of this, both in others and in ourselves. The cooperative mindset can be a self-fullfilling prophecy too, but it's the lesser popular one. People see a lot of evidence against cooperation because the competitive mindset is creating so much evidence. Break the cycle. Reassure people around you that you CAN both have your cake and eat it too.
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"i am neurodivergent, but i am not neurodivergence" is very poetic in my opinion :))
I think your diagnosis is extremely important to YOU but not very important to US. To me it is interesting but not important because you are the same Rebecca that we know and love.
I'm so happy to see you again. You make my day when you show up on my YT. I've enjoyed your company since you were BeckieO, quarreling with your "sister" Jennifer in videos that brimmed to overflowing with creativity. Though you don't know me, we grew wise together, slogging ahead on life's journey one hard step at a time, and I miss you when you're not nearby. I wonder if we might get together on a regular basis, say, once a week. Just a thought, my friend. Peace.
As you grow, in yourself, remember: Not every mask is bad. Sometimes it's really okay, just to not know if something you do, or a way you are, in life is a mask or not. Just roll with it. :-) Time will
always bring to you the answer.
As always, sending you so much love. Those threads were awful (I’ve not looked at them in years because it’s horrible to hear such evil and hateful things) I know if it were me I would find it so so hard to not look at them. At the end of the day it’s what someone is saying about you. Just remember, if they’re still there, they’re hateful, awful people. You deserve this new stage of your life. This will all settle in, it’s been a year and a half of my adult diagnosis and I’m still trying to get my head around it. Don’t think you need a timeline or a limit. You deserve this, my life has become stupidly easier since my diagnosis. It’s ridiculous it takes this diagnosis to be seen as allowed to struggle or be given leeway. Never toxic. Don’t listen to them
Everything you said is validating, supportive, easy for me to understand. There was a sound, a vocal "Heh", that brought me back to your voice making "HAH" from your video "In the garden", that was a long time ago, it was new. I've been learning sign language (ASL) for the last two years, it's been the most amazing journey, you express gesturally very well. Should I try to be marked as autistic? They put me in a deaf class at age 9, I was always hyperacusis. I'm a bit like a squirrel, everything is stuck in my head, I understand River Tam from Firefly, people try to hold me back, I am supportive.
I have optical seizures, pressure paralysis, dizzy standing, dermagraphia, list-to-floor, I was quiet, extremely so, what's the difference between that and nonverbal, I don't know, point of view, oh wait, this is a good place for this "The Foundation of Respect is adopting people's decisions about themselves, not imposing on others, and letting go of decisions made about others" Making the world a better place~
I was lucky enough to find my first and only therapist ive ever been to. I told her I thought I had bpd and she told me no, that I need to look at adhd/autism further. She understood since she's also audhd. I know its hard, but finding a therapist that's also autistic or at least understands current research is really the only option that we have
My mom suggested finding a new therapist & an assessor in my new state. I refuse because I know what can happen, so I understand your fears & you're not alone.
We love you Rebecca 😘 xx
Hi Becky! We are the same age and I’ve watched you since I was 16. I’ve watched your trials and tribulations and I’m delighted you have now got a diagnosis which i hope will help you to navigate the difficult times in life. You are certainly not autism. You just happen to be living with autism. You’re also funny and courageous and creative and a kayaker (?!)
I’d be interested to hear more re: relationships and sex. I find it difficult to want the latter or I do and then it becomes overwhelming or I just can’t deal with it.
I’m glad that you’re avoiding a part of the internet that you know if specifically negative and triggering for you. It took a long time for me to reach the point where I could say “Ok, looking at this just makes me miserable, I can’t keep doing this.” I’m glad you were able to make that healthy decision for yourself.
When you filmed your cleaning video and were clearing out old clothes, and you could remember wearing a specific shirt in a specific video, I was amazed at your memory! I don't know much about autism, but you mentioned an autobiographical memory. Is that a common characteristic of this form of neurodivergence? It's like a super power!
Your shoulders look strong...how much do you bench?
Do they? Thank you. I didn't think they were as good as last year haha. I sort of lose it over winter.
I intend to join a gym as it gets colder and there's less kayaking to do
I kayak, so it's likely the kayaking. I do some weight stuff in my flat (the weights are in the pink boxes behind me on the right).
Your cat is super cute 🥰🐱
Damn…didnt realize we were the same age…im literally only 2 days older than you. I also have Trichotillomania which was why i came across you.
I wish i could actually get to know you.
I'm with you, it does matter. If you feel like I do about my own diagnoses (which do NOT include autism) it does matter and labels do help.
PS I hope you don't take this as me trying to tell you what to do but I remember many times when you said you connect better with cats than people and I'm curious how you feel that connects with your autism.
I figured out I was autistic a couple years ago and didn’t think it affected sex for me. Boy was I wrong. I figured out a while ago that I was severely masking every time and when I wasn’t masking I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I did. I ended up figuring out I’m on the asexual spectrum specifically aegosexual
Rebecca, I became aware that you were probably autistic about six years ago when I was diagnosed with it at the same time. I don’t mention this to congratulate myself. My diagnosis was heartbreaking and yet it was a gift. Because it was like the doctor handed me the correct prism through which I could view my life, putting my terrible decisions and my fractured relationships into proper perspective. A correct diagnosis was everything to me. It was the beginning of that journey toward complete understanding of the self. This is why so many people have “congratulated you“ for this new insight. And I don’t consider you a late diagnosis. I was 49 when I was diagnosed.
Getting a diagnosis that affects your entire life, for the entirety of your life, is a hard thing to deal with, even when you knew you had the thing you finally got diagnosed with. Most of the people I know are neuro divergent.
Becca, I’m a long term viewer, and I wanted to address the part of the video where you talk about all the hate and or criticisms you get. Obviously I don’t know you in real life, so I can’t speak to how you really are. But if we’re speaking of your online presence I hope you know that you never did anything (at least that I’m aware of) that would have warranted all the hate, harassment and invalidation you received. My heart absolutely breaks for you. You are such a humble, thoughtful and kind person. It seems to me that people have unjustly labeled you with mean things /misinterpreted harmless behavior of yours (often stemming from your autism like you said) in a negative way, which makes it hard to have self confidence and being overly self-critical a second nature. It’s true, nobody is perfect, but I hope you know you didn’t deserve any of this. I don’t know whether or not I have autism (looking to get an assessment soon), but you were always a safe space for me to go to during my teen years. And watching this video and your last has been very touching and emotional. I can definitely relate to the million thoughts in one’s brain and the difficulty of expressing oneself. So if any of this came out wrong/ or weird I apologize. I just wanted to make sure you had one voice in your life telling you that you are doing so well, that you are a wonderful person and that I’m sorry you had to go through so much hardship. Take care💙
I know you From TV show Scrubs, when patient was diagnosed with Trichotillomania i googled it and 1st result was your video. It was about 10 years ago 😅
‘Everyone’s a little autistic’ …so frustrating.
You do place a HUGE amount of energy in the label/diagnosis of autistic. You’re fantastic. Your experiences are valid, diagnosis or not.
Rebecca, everything you say is so so so understandable, relateable and mirror my feelings I've had for the couple of last weeks.
I'm 49 next month and two weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. While that indeed is a lifechanging event for me, most people around me are like - ah, ok, now let's move on? While for me, I need to come to terms with almost 49 years in my life struggling, being misunderstood, being bullied etc. Everything that I've gone through in terms of struggle now stands out in a completely new light. It's exhausting, exhilarating, affirming, tiresome, tears-inducing ... and everything in between at the same time :(
I wish you strength, happiness, joy, understanding and kindness in your steps forward! I've been following you for years and years, from your trichdays, your day-in-the-life photocollage, through all kinds of hardship. You deserve so much better than the struggle you've gone through.
Highly recommend the work of Dr. Devon Price if you're looking for resources abt navigating care and the world as an autistic person. Unmasking Autism in particular
There's such a weird gatekeeping thing going on with ASD. The hostility to self-diagnosis is often so strong. Late diagnosed and self-diagnosed are VALID.
We should leave diagnosing to professionals to be honest. It’s one think to think you have something and seek treatment and diagnosis, but to self diagnose is basically saying you know better than a psychiatrist. Which is why I don’t agree with Rebecca saying she suffers from adhd rejection sensitivity when she hasn’t actually gotten a diagnosis of ADHD. It’s like someone saying when they find a lump that they are self diagnosing with cancer.
Look for a psych that markets themselves as a neuroaffirming clinician!
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Autism as a spectrum makes so much sense to me.
Resubscribed! 😊
I didn't *know* know that it was autism, not until the GP put us onto that, but I had known something was very long basically my whole life. I just didn't know I fit ASD specifically. When my mum started telling family that I've got the diagnosis, a few of them started saying like "of course she is, I already suspected." Why did no one tell us, man? Everyone else knew! AHHH
Can I just say you're looking great these days, more healthy and more glowing than we've seen you before 👌
well-spoken by a 30 year old who uploaded her first youtube video at the age of 15
Yawn
female presentation of neurodivergance is so underresearched and underrepresented that people dont understand how we work. im glad you got your dx and people are receptive! ive been following you for a while and im a adhder dxed in my 20s🩷
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