Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Self-Differentiation Program: 'Road to Self’. Join here>> program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
A much needed topic to discuss is motherly narcisistic abuse and adult sons incel/men going their own way movement. Dont hear this discussed at all, but only about the slut shaming/abusive relationships for girls side of the coin.
THAT has been my experience, too!! AND they make us believe we are sub-par, and they seem to think so too, yet we are expected to perform like perfect, high-functioning, independent adults with no needs ...having taught us nothing about being an adult.
1. They will set up a narcissist regime 2. You can count on them for life long infantilization 3. Reject your feelings 4. Intense emotions and reactions. 5. Closed, rigid and limited communication 6. Abuse and personal violations How to deal with them 1. Go no contact 2. Get help and professional advice 3. Focus on recovery work and self differentiation
I would also add the importance of going no contact. The longer you’re no contact the better you will be able to handle not being sucked back in if the opportunity presents itself for the narcissist to try. This is what’s happening to me right now. Been no contact for 2 years & are using a dying relative to try & suck me back in. Long story to explain here but I see it for what it is & find it disgusting how they’re using my relatives potential death (I have the utmost respect for these relatives by the way & they know that)to sort of guilt me & suck me back in. I’m so proud of myself on how I handled the phone conversation after 2 years of not speaking to them on the phone (put up a boundary & asked that they text me if they needed to contact me). That no contact, I realized, allowed me to be strong enough mentally to be able to handle speaking to them on the phone without having a full on anxiety attack. Definitely not ready for in person contact though & not sure I’ll ever be ready for that.
I had imaginary friends by the time I was 5. Timothy and Wendy, I remembee them fondly. Also, I used to eat a lot of dog food as a small child. I don't think I was starving, I can't explain why. We'll be ok.
Ya we must have somehow cried stop the abuse in a convincing manner which they didn't appreciate their gig up, victims of our being too sensitive how sad 😥 and they protest!
This is totally my 76 year old mother. I threw the old battle axe out of my house on Easter day for her nasty and painfully rude and uncontrolled narcism and I will never see her again. My sister's also ex communicated her at the same time as she's ruined most of our lives. Spiteful woman told us she hated her family when we've bent over backwards trying to make her happy. Well she's on her own now, hope she makes herself happy.
Why would anyone keep someone in their life, who makes painful comments and says she hates you? Well, unless your unhealthy and enjoy emotional and verbal abuse.
Yes!!!! More about infantilizing parents please! This was my parents’ treatment of choice for me and I’m 53 now. It’s actually the reason I no longer speak to my family. I got so tired of being treated like a teenager in my forties and then being told to act my age, simply for standing up for myself. Fantastic video! Thank you so much for the validation.
Act your age when they want to do something for them. I hate that. When I stand up and say yeah you’re not going to treat me this way because I’m just not going to put up with it. I don’t have to. Watch the eyes go crazy. 😝
Same here. And the worst part is that I still feel like a child in contact with others even when I’m way older then them. (I’m 49) . I hate that feeling
I can relate. I think my parents were to immature to be parents and didn't want the responsibility that comes with raising kids. My mother was the only one who worked the majority of the time, even though my father was very well capable of working. I believe she tolerated it out of fear of being alone. A real parent puts their kids well being above their own selfish wants and needs. There's alot more to being a father than being around 24/7.
"Don't let your big mouth get you fired." Quote from my mother about my contribution to a meeting at my work. (I'm 60 , never lost a job, and contribute my expertise at work, just like everyone else). Infantilization.
2:40 #2 drives me nuts. I'm a 46 year old male, military veteran, professional with a family. And it seems every time I'm with my dad and he meets someone new he loves to talk about how cute I was as a 13 year performing in a children's musical theater company. He tells the story of this dance that I did dressed up as a soldier never mentioning that I'm a highly decorated Gulf War Vet. He ignores all of my accomplishments as an adult and only focuses on 3-years years, from 12 to 15 when I was performing. 4-years active duty, 5-years earn my degree, my 20-year professional career, and my 13-year marriage.
Congratulations to you and thank you for your service.❤ You should be commended and noticed and validated for all your amazing accomplishments. Give yourself a pat on the back and validate yourself you deserve it.❤
@@jl3268 I do I'm very active at American Legion and VFW I love helping and hanging out with other vets. I get a lot of validation from that. It's just funny that I can walk into a room full of strangers and get respect but I can't get that from my own family. SMH
Yes, that is the narcissistic reality, and in addition to a selective memory it can also include a reinvented version of what did or didn't happen. A narcissist "needs" everyone else to validate their reality which always has a narcissistic purpose to maintain the narcissist's grandiose false image (edit:) and everyone else "lesser than" the narcissist.
"nobody talks like that", "nobody thinks that", "I don't understand why anyone would want to do that", "you're weak", "you need to........, you should/ought", my mother
As the saying goes “If a narcissist didn’t have double standards they’d have no standards at all” strikes me as true. I’ve been on the receiving end of double standards in my family. Now apply this to people in high places and then a completely different perspective enters the picture. The trickle down effect using various resources to further this degrading behavior has had an enormous impact of humanity as a whole. Something to consider..
This is so true. As I understand my narcissistic parents more and more and recognize narcissistic flies I've picked up from them, I can see how destructive narcissism is to humanity as whole. It truly is the "true pandemic." The intergenerational consequences have grown exponentially.
@@mvbigmagic4048 it’s a disturbing yet true fallout. In my 65 yrs on this planet I’ve observed many things but the one which strikes me as relevant for the purposes of this conversation is- the healthy function of (and/or lack thereof) and group of people be it families, business’, the body politic etc always starts at the top. Whom is “leading”? Because the behavior emanating from this place has the trickle down effect in my observations. I like to observe people. Lastly if we were all the same we’d be a boring sorry lot I think 🤷🏼♀️ just don’t try to force upon me or my children/grandchildren values which are destructive -I refer to a larger picture.. that won’t end well, just sayin’. Take care and stay safe.
Finally someone understands. It is so extreme in my family. No one suspects how bad it is behind closed doors. I feel overwhelmed to put it all in words. You really explain everything so easily. Thank you Jerry. ❤
Jerry! You are SPOT on! I get called out for “tone” to shut down conversations.Even if I’m calm. They would go “you’re too calm…” it’s like what the heck! How do you want me to communicate, Morse code. 😅👏🏼
I learned this the hard way about cutting the enabler off. They abandoned me 3 days before my due date. I've not had a relationship with my dad for years and years but still talked to my mom despite conflicting emotions, but grew more tolerant after I had my 1st child and she was such a good grandmother. He got offended and was able to turn her completely against me and discarded me like a piece of trash on the side of the road all because his "feelings got hurt." I have the text message, completely threw me off. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until months after. It's been 5 months and I still hurt some days that my mom chose him and never asked if the birth went ok or anything about my child. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until after all of this and now I feel dumb thinking I could still maintain a relationship with my mom. So naive
I have made repeated attempts to get past this but my parents keep on doing it. It's infuriating and I had no choice but to go no contact with my mom and very low contact with my dad. With my dad I only ever see him at large gatherings where he has other people to hold his attention. I very much limit small talk and conversations with him.
I cannot thank you enough for this insightful presentation!! You describe my mother (age 90) perfectly. She has developed 'sides' among her six children. She was a cold mother, no intimate conversations; her personal emotions were wildly exaggerated, she laughed at my poetry ("stupid poems" she found in my room). She took my ring (saw it in her jewelry box, I left it there) and even found some of my clothes under her bed when I was searching for the cat.Mom was angry (jealous?) when my dad bought me bedroom furniture. She said, "OH! You buy furniture for HER!" My brother said dad told him that mom hated me. (Why, I will never know.). Recently I learned mom kept all my Xmas, birthday, Mothers Day cards from me in a box, unopened - asked brother in law to return them to me, he said no. Mom alienated me, my kids, grandkids over 10 yrs. ago; don't know why. She caters to my twin sisters and their families - bizarre! Thank you for letting me vent.... you are indeed 'wise' Hugs!
All that is about HER a d she projects it on you to cope. I'm dealing with the same thing... she expects me to sacrifice and abandon myself in favor of her. Never again.
I feel so sad for you. My mother is 86, like your mother she was cold, she never connected with me and she was self-centered. As i grew up as an only child, my sister was born when I was 15, I did not realise she had treated us in very different ways. For years, I wondered why she did not love me but I have given up on the why, I was wasting my time. The less I think about her, the better and happier I feel. The problem is her and not you, it has never been you. Sorry for my English, I am French but when I read the comments, I often feel like we are a big family...
Wow, I think the ONLY good thing if you are on the receiving end of all this negativity is that, ironically enough, the survivor becomes the total opposite of the abuser and is a lovely person over all.
It's a gift to have my life finally explained ..when all this time I thought I was just a bad person and worthless for how my parents treated me...I'm 51 and just now figuring this out...hey maybe it wasn't me...although they had me highly convinced..guess I just thought all family's were the same...until my son came along and I can see our relationship is so different ...it's effortless and easy..never knew parent child relationship could be enjoyable until then..
I have learned so much about narcissism. In my family my mother was poisonous. She lied about me to my siblings then I would be told I needed to treat my mother nicer. I never treated my mother disrespectfully and I couldn't understand why she would lie about a simple encounter that was pleasant and turn it into something that didn't happen, then I was the bad person. I decided several times to distance myself from her but I would eventually try again with the same mean and nasty results. I finally decided I would not visit her unless someone else was with me so she couldn't lie about the visit. Her last years were spent in a nursing home because she couldn't care for properly for herself and even then she would make up lies about things that never happened and I was always the bad person even if I hadn't seen her for a considerable amount of time. Many years prior she was diagnosed with mental health issues and I was told then that her mental state was fragile and she lived in her own world. She did get better after some intense therapy but as she grew older she got worse and I was the target. She passed in 2017 and I will guarantee that even then she was arguing with her Maker! She was a bitter and very unhappy woman on this earth and I hope she has finally found some peace.
My mom would lie to my father about me when I was younger and into my teens. It wasn’t until I saw it in action with my brother and my father was on his way to punish my brother and I had to stop him and tell him that what my mother told him was a lie. I have no idea how many times my brother and I got into trouble unnecessarily due to my mom lying. And she lied to our relatives and said my brother and I did nothing for her. I have not talked, texted, or emailed her in many years. When I let her go it was amazing how much better life was.
@@missscarlett579 I'm so sorry about what you experienced and am thankful you were able to intervene on your brother's behalf. It's scary at how much damage a narcissistic person can do to others and it's not until we realize what is really going on that we can begin to heal. I'm so glad to hear you took steps to protect yourself and are feeling much better. Take care and I wish you well on your healing journey.
I remember see one particular mother putting her hands over her son's mouth as he began to verbalize his issues with his mother's parenting and behavior. I looked and thought, "She doesn't want to hear the truth."
You just described my mother, completely. Her terrible communication (withholding information, agreeing to something, then doing the opposite, refusing to keep me updated on events that directly affect me) just caused a level of turmoil I have never felt before. Just happened yesterday, and I am now sleep deprived as I try to recover from an exhausting URI. She is a despicable monster of a person, and I am desperate to get away from her! Edit... she prepares lessons in Bible study for her church. Yet this is how she treats her own daughter.
Very sorry. You decribed very well a situational feeling ive had many times. You sound smart. Just remember, you can construct your life the way you want it. And its not your job to do the bidding of your parent for life. There is an expiration date on suffering. Youll getthere.
Thank you, Jerry, for your affirming wisdom. At the time I went no contact with our mother and her two golden children, I didn't know "narcissism" was a thing. I just concluded our mother suffered pathological envy, that going no contact was the only way to stop the abject, overt abuse.
What if I said before going no contact with my narc mother: I make too many mistakes that upset you, and I don't want to upset you anymore. I've become a burden." It's actually not completely false. It might give me some comfort to say that before walking away.
My mother discarded me for stating boundaries at the holidays. She sent me a letter saying I am 'not allowed to have a relationship with her or anyone else in the family if I do that'. This arrived in the mail on valentines day. Then yesterday out of the clear blue she texted me saying she hopes in safe in a (mild) thunderstorm. Didn't answer the nasty letter or the text message.
Also, let’s not forget they want to be eternally young (in their warped minds this is a possibility!) Well, then if you are the son or daughter, in their mind you can’t go past teenage years so they ‘never’ get old and this justifies their bossiness over you.
Yes on the infantilization of whole adults. The last visit my MIL took it upon herself to order kitchen supplies that I didn't need nor want nor ask for. She ordered a paper plates (hate them and honestly, why so many) and sponges. If I wanted sponges in my kitchen, they'd already be there. If she actually cared to know me she'd know I hate single use anything. But this is about control. I'm low contact btw.
I would almost say that is a click bait title but everything that you said was true and it was my experience.. I cut out of my life everyone that the Narcissist was connected to.
This helps so much, it is so hard to find someone who really understands the complexity of a narcisist “regime”. It helps me stay sane while distancing and working on myself and gives me hope. Thank you for another great video!
3:27 #3 the one time I confronted my father about how I find it embarrassing when he infantilizes me especially in front of others. He was bewildered and confused and couldn't understand what that would bother me. When I attempted to explain why he quickly changed the subject.
I have 2 family members who’ve insisted they needed “explanations” to “why my behavior bothers you”. When it was a simple request to please stop. (One was to please stop sending me HUNDREDS of links to articles & videos about things I has NO interest in). I had already explained to both my brother & cousin. This is, imho, a control attempt. To say that you shouldn’t be bothered by this behavior. They don’t want an explanation, they want you to just accept this awful behavior. I did not and now NC with both of them.
Yep! You can count on all of these things....100 percent! If anyone is reading this and has the ability to move away from these people, do it! I'm stuck. Trapped. It's been hell and it's getting worse! Believe me! Get out of dodge ASAP. Things will ONLY get worse for you. They will never change. The abuse WILL escalate and the narc will do everything in his/her power to trap you like mine did.
@@liana2136 ughhh. i know. it's pure torture on the mind, body, and spirit. i've been praying for a miracle. that's what it's going to take to get me out without any resources. I hope you get out soon! truly! i will keep you in my prayers. xo
"Be ruthless with your past, and with those who would keep you there." The quote, unfortunately, is from Josef Stalin. But the words still make good advice, in a certain context -- like going (absolutely) no contact. I mean, "ruthless" is a strong word, but... You get the point.
Yes. The rule in my fam, your father rages uncontrollably, don't upset him, stand up to him, argue with him, call him out. Just be quiet as you'll only make it worse. Translation, you don't matter and he can do whatever because he is the provider
Thanks Jerry. After protracted years of witting narcissistic abuse, I'm finally in a place to leave my crazy parents in the past. All of my reliance on them has been eliminated as of recently. Now to redirecting time and energy to the next raging dumpster fire that is adult life. ✌
Thank you for addressing the infantalization. This struck very deep for me. There was so much witheld from me and outside influences ,blocked or discouraged. When I finally managed to leave ,I had a huge learning curve due to very poor life and people skills.
I’m 67 and still have difficulty with my parents who are 90. One grandmother living until 105. I don’t know if my life will ever be peaceful no matter how had I try.
I finally had to tell my 90 yr old mother, after she yet again used demeaning language on me, she does NOT get to use that language on me anymore. I said it in a calm yet firm manner which no doubt surprised her, I was just done with the verbal/emotional abuse. Naturally my brothers know nothing about this since she does this when no one else is around. The last two times she tried to be awful- she did it where others would be in earshot of my response. Which no doubt put her in an awkward position. Oh well. Mess with an empath long enough- especially one whom has taken the time to heal and learn? Game over. I will no longer participate in these family dynamics. Nevertheless- I’m still considered the problem. No. No I’m not. But hey- believe what you want, I don’t need their approval nor validation. I pray you find a way to find your inner strength, it’s worth the time and effort. Took me many many years to finally see clearly and also stand my ground and not make excuses nor plead for them to understand. They likely never will. Sadly. Life goes on and much more peacefully too.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682of course they think just because they’re older than you, they’re free to disrespect you ignoring the fact that you’re a grown up yourself. I’m glad you stood your ground ❤❤❤❤❤ I wish you all the best in life.
@@kiv_daniels thank you. Currently I live on the same property with these individuals, in my own housing. So it’s become imperative I take care of myself and not allow them to continue using me as their punching bag in the face of their own self imposed ignorance. I just put it right back back on the person whom instigates poor behavior. Naturally that’s not popular- holding a person to account.. not my problem not my monkey anymore.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682 Yesss put it right back on the person who instigates that bad behavior, hold them accountable even though it’s not a popular thing to do as long as it makes you feel better and shows them their boundaries. Don’t stress yourself about their reaction or how they’d feel because when dealing with these people you have to be selfish.❤️❤️❤️❤️
Somehow every little weakness belongs to someone else. My aging mother is getting forgetful and thought her birthday was a day earlier than it actually is. We finally convinced her this was not so. An hour later she asked me if I finally got the date of her birthday straight!
I am in my mid 30's and live on my narc dad's property... my dad does all these things... he literally just stole a letter sent to me by my mother today, he's pretending like it wasn't in the stack of mail but USPS shows it delivered... I am 99% positive he stole it and opened it to spy and to isolate me from my mother (his ex-wife). I despise him.
"You can count on them for abuse and boundary violations." So unfortunately true. It wasn't a matter of if they'd cross boundaries, but when they would. It's partly why I have such strong hyper vigilance. My body is still "bracing" for their constant boundary violations.
Once again very validating and perfectly timed. No matter how many videos I watch/books I read that describe experiences uncannily like my own and show that my responses are completely normal, there's still always a small part of me whispering "maybe I'm wrong, maybe she is the caring, compassionate long-suffering person she claims to be and that the extended family seem to see her as". Which is why it's helpful to keep coming back to see more videos for reassurance and try to deprogramme myself. Thanks so much 🙏 your videos are truly appreciated - they are helping more than you know.
Yes, your spot on. 👏 I'm 47 yrs old , I'm beginning to understand this, i can now name the craziness. Im in South Africa 🇿🇦 and its as if you are in my family, walking around taking notes. Please teach us on the connection between physical illness and narcissism, i think they are connected. I have gastric problems whenever my narc mother is around.
No more fake daily calls where mom doesn’t keep the secret that my punishment is $100 in the will while everyone else knows about the humiliation waiting but has kept from me for years.
Ya I'll be getting bucks but passing much onto at least one of my kids (other's unworthy and'mm be getting her own through her partner) but honestly it's tainted money and I guess knew she had no one really besides me, no one not crazy either, she's written scapegoat child out and they're so old I can't believe either's still going, one's almost 90 and the other 70, very heavy drinking, smoking, they've really the devil 😈 to pay!
My inheritance was supposed to be all of my dad's half of the estate (as his only heir) and 1/3rd of my mother's half (as one of her three heirs). But after my dad passed, mother destroyed his will and changed hers to give the entire estate to her first two children, my half-siblings, from her first marriage. She worked it out with them behind my back, and I didn't know it until a few months after she passed away. EDIT: For added context, I was indeed the scapegoat and truthteller. Both of my half-siblings are every bit as toxic as my mother was, but in different ways.
Long before ever seeing your first video, I shared with my older my brother that very issue regarding our mother: Infantilization. I just didn't know the term at the time. I joked and said our mother and I will both be using walkers, and she will still be trying to treat me like a child. While he laughed, what you are sharing verified my argument and position on the matter.
Thank you Jerry! Spot on! I also think thise things happen more as they age. Maybe they know they are losing control of their fantasy world so to help them keep hold. They are more shaming, smothering, playing the martyr.
By being hammered on all that you say about narc parents...I am finally on the right path...I knew they were weird and got sucked into their emotional drama... finally, finally I am able to see myself independent of their influence...it's such a relief! Never thought it was even possible...I just thought I will have to live with the contradictions...unless i relocate to some corner of the world for good!
It's true that we all have to die and we maybe in the end are not worth anything except for the atoms that make us up. So don't get me wrong what I am about to say is not because of any kind of self-importance. But how much is your life worth to you? You have to ask yourself that question. Because narcissistic parents did not give you any sense of any value of your life. Did not give you any sense of self-importance. You always took the backseat you always had to sweep your emotions and your perceptions under the rug. Your views never counted. They were never validated. So now as a survivor of narcissistic abuse and narcissistic neglect, when you go no contact is when you finally put your foot down for yourself and not for anybody else but for yourself. Now you can get the quietude to try to establish your sovereignty and your identity and reconnect with your authentic self. Do not allow guilt even on birthdays and holidays the tempt you to try to make any contact with those demons who robbed you of a lot of time and energy
You are right. I went low contact for a year. What I did was become really intentional about what I did and didn't do. Took time to think and respond. Not just automatic. No need to feel bad
Thank you again, again and again Jerry! This is so helpful and true...the infantilization I'm 54 parents are in early 80s! My Dad actually left me a voicemail msg the day after his birthday using my full name saying "It was my birthday yesterday and I did not hear from you!" OMG give me f'ckn brake! Yes, I'm getting to know my new experience of being myself!!!! I love it!! I love your quote..."the vampiric bite"! You are absolutely correct!!☮
Bullyz FABRICATE their Denied pain by CONTROLLING Others How many times have been TOLD what i am thinking & feeling Thank god for articulating BOUNDARIES - AMEN
I am stressed and beginning to make mistakes I know better than to make- and I wonder if it's because of the patterns I was forced into as a child? Like the message that I was a screw up, worthless, useless etc..and being stressed has my brain literally going blank at random times? I have not been able to talk to me counselor in 2 months due to money stress...
Thank you for your “Wise” advice on navigating narcissistic family systems. Need you to know how helpful it is and how it makes complete sense to those of us enmeshed in the abusive cycle. ❤
Jerry hits the nail on its head every time, and this video proves how much he knows about narcissistic parents. I’m 62 and my mother is 84, and she still does all the things Jerry talks about in this video. One-sided boundaries, anger, intensity, life-long infantilization, “I talk and I’m right, you talk and you’re wrong”, all the abuses he mentions in this video happened and continues to happen in my family of origin. However, I became part of Jerry’s program and he has helped me pull myself out of the effects of this narcissistic abuse. His program is like no other I have found. I am finding myself becoming less and less affected by these narcissistic tactics, seeing them for what they really are (a way to soothe the narcissist) and I am able to let go of the emotional pull from my mother and sisters. Instead of taking their comments personally, or falling into their emotionally charged traps, I am feeling more and more empowered and myself. Thanks again, Jerry, for another great video.
You are so on point! I am 62. My sister is 60. Our 80 year old mother has caused us so much pain. We both suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. Things are more out of control than ever. Now we are being guilted because she is 80 and my sister and I are single making us the obvious ones to care for her. My brothers are all married and moved away with their families. For our own mental health, my sister and I have finally decided to move away from her. Guilt is heaped on us from my mom’s friends and other family members when my mom complains to them about how she will make it on her own. I tried to take my life 3 years ago, and my sister has confided she has suicidal thoughts. We’ve been supporting each other. But listening to you has made me realize the horrific cycle we are in.
I hear you on that. I'm near 60 an only child. Both of mine are alive and they're 80. I've lost my health because of them and will be the one stuck sorting their affairs and caring. They won't make any plans and I'm really sick and I don't think my mother gives a damn!
Jerry I hope you will do a video on dealing with golden child narc siblings that are part of this enabling regime. Thanks for all that you do! Your videos are so helpful for people dealing with these painful family dynamics.
@@jerrywise thank you Jerry, I just watched it - it’s spot on and really helped me move towards even greater clarity and confidence in my own thoughts about my tragic family history.
You know what gets me? All the older people I come across who cry over their children not speaking to them or not allowing grandchildren near them. They always insist they were good parents and blahblahblah. I'm sorry but my first guess is usually that they're likely a narc or otherwise (forgive this) abewsivv and don't see it/won't admit it. Now yes, it could be something else. It very well could be. But I'm disinclined to think so.
This really hits home…especially the infantilization and rejecting of feelings. This fits my 90+ year old mother exactly. I’m her caregiver and have learned to stand up for myself. However, I am working on doing that without raising my blood pressure…😐. Typically she will voice a put down of some sort..insult, etc. Then when that is challenged, I get the “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “that’s not what I meant”. Or the one we have all heard “you’re too sensitive”. It’s frustrating.
I thought that my narc mother infantalize me, because she was so vain that she couldn't accept her own aging process. That's what I told her 30 years ago. Glad you cleared that up. Guess I can't apologize since I've been no contact ever since. I was wrong, you just wanted to control me and ruin my life for me. My bad.
I wish I could stop thinking about my mom. My dad has passed, but I hadn't spoken to him since 1993. I hadn't considered that my mom was also a narcissist until recently. My mom and I have been low contact since I was a teenager. Now, she is old and alone. I'm 92% sure she has dementia, but she refuses to see a doctor, so who knows. Maybe she's pretending for sympathy? Anyway, she is going downhill quickly. She's only 76, but her years of physical neglect is starting to catch up to her. She asks me for help, but when I try to help her, she refuses. She needs help managing her finances since her husband died 2 years ago. I told her I needed to get a POA in order to handle her finances for her. She refuses to sign the POA, and still blames me for not being willing to help her. I'm grey rock with her most of the time. A couple times a year I'm not able to maintain the mask, and that's usually a disaster (for me. She loves to see me upset and gets a lot of entertainment value from it.). I'd like to stop thinking about her, tbh. Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting the "phone call." You know that one, that your parent had a fall or was out driving and was in an accident (she KNOWS she shouldn't be driving due to vision problems). In the last year, her teeth started falling out, she's lost about 50 pounds (she was quite overweight, so now she looks normal sized), she is refusing to take her Type 2 diabetes meds. Her hip isn't good and I'm concerned that she'll fall down the stairs or in the shower. It's not obvious that she has dementia, but someone who is around her regularly will see it. I think she can still bluff her way through a conservatorship process. If I sought to gain a conservatorship over her estate, the judge wouldn't grant it due to the fact that she can still put on a good show for an hour or two before her mild cognitive decline starts becoming obvious. That's enough to get through a doctor's appointment or a court date. Now I'm waiting for the emergency to happen. It's what happened with her own mother who died of Alzheimer's disease.
I’m so sorry to hear your predicament. Many are in similar situations program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ktwxkl*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzk0MTcwOS4yOC4xLjE3MTM5NDE3MTQuNTUuMC4w
Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Self-Differentiation Program: 'Road to Self’.
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A much needed topic to discuss is motherly narcisistic abuse and adult sons incel/men going their own way movement. Dont hear this discussed at all, but only about the slut shaming/abusive relationships for girls side of the coin.
Neglect you as a child, when you need actually need care. Then insert themselves to control you and run your life when you are an adult.
Omgosh, 💯💯💯
THAT has been my experience, too!! AND they make us believe we are sub-par, and they seem to think so too, yet we are expected to perform like perfect, high-functioning, independent adults with no needs
...having taught us nothing about being an adult.
Yes! This!!
Same!
It’s because they are mad we are grown and have what they want.
A narcisist is like a rotten apple, it will end up spoiling every healthy apple in its vicinity 🤔🤔🤔
Well said
To their core!
💯💯💯
Really good analogy actually.
BINGO!!!!!!!!
Shame on the people who support the narcissist. They don't care enough to know the other (true) story!!! They are one sided like the narcissist.
1. They will set up a narcissist regime
2. You can count on them for life long infantilization
3. Reject your feelings
4. Intense emotions and reactions.
5. Closed, rigid and limited communication
6. Abuse and personal violations
How to deal with them
1. Go no contact
2. Get help and professional advice
3. Focus on recovery work and self differentiation
Thank you
I'd amend that to say go no contact and STAY no contact. Do NOT get sucked back in.
I would also add the importance of going no contact. The longer you’re no contact the better you will be able to handle not being sucked back in if the opportunity presents itself for the narcissist to try. This is what’s happening to me right now. Been no contact for 2 years & are using a dying relative to try & suck me back in. Long story to explain here but I see it for what it is & find it disgusting how they’re using my relatives potential death (I have the utmost respect for these relatives by the way & they know that)to sort of guilt me & suck me back in. I’m so proud of myself on how I handled the phone conversation after 2 years of not speaking to them on the phone (put up a boundary & asked that they text me if they needed to contact me). That no contact, I realized, allowed me to be strong enough mentally to be able to handle speaking to them on the phone without having a full on anxiety attack. Definitely not ready for in person contact though & not sure I’ll ever be ready for that.
I had more conversations with myself than I ever had with "family" 😂
I used to make up stories so i can escape and talk to people
Ha ha they're accusations not conversations! That's how they'll successfully gather many flying monkeys, the only way to throw them off our own scent!
there is a Disturbed Young Girl: in school acting up and the Family EN MASSE defends her.. they are CREATING A NARCISSIST who will FAIL LIFE
I had imaginary friends by the time I was 5. Timothy and Wendy, I remembee them fondly. Also, I used to eat a lot of dog food as a small child. I don't think I was starving, I can't explain why. We'll be ok.
I had an imaginary friend I would play my board games with.
My father treated me and spoke to me the same when I was 50 years old as when I was five years old. The extent of this cannot be overstated.
Same here. My father is a giant toddler yet speaks to me like I'm 5.
I knew before 20 that my friends were more family than the folks who used and abused me.
I did think I would be grown up by the end of menopause. Lol. Boy was I wrong!
You made laugh out loud.
“You’re too sensitive!”…..
Yup. I’d say they are scared of their own emotions… demeaning and cowardly way to interact. Projection is also in the playbook.
Ya we must have somehow cried stop the abuse in a convincing manner which they didn't appreciate their gig up, victims of our being too sensitive how sad 😥 and they protest!
Yup - the anthem of my childhood ( one of them anyway)
@@fugitivecolours998 yup. My answer, now, to this rude gaslighting “Your point is..?” in a neutral voice, leaves them stumped for a (quick) response.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682Good one😮😂
Having grown up in a Hispanic household; I always like to jokingly say "I don't need to watch a telenovela, my life is one".
This is totally my 76 year old mother. I threw the old battle axe out of my house on Easter day for her nasty and painfully rude and uncontrolled narcism and I will never see her again. My sister's also ex communicated her at the same time as she's ruined most of our lives. Spiteful woman told us she hated her family when we've bent over backwards trying to make her happy. Well she's on her own now, hope she makes herself happy.
Loved that last line! They are truly something else smh
Why would anyone keep someone in their life, who makes painful comments and says she hates you? Well, unless your unhealthy and enjoy emotional and verbal abuse.
Yes!!!! More about infantilizing parents please! This was my parents’ treatment of choice for me and I’m 53 now. It’s actually the reason I no longer speak to my family. I got so tired of being treated like a teenager in my forties and then being told to act my age, simply for standing up for myself.
Fantastic video! Thank you so much for the validation.
Act your age when they want to do something for them. I hate that. When I stand up and say yeah you’re not going to treat me this way because I’m just not going to put up with it. I don’t have to. Watch the eyes go crazy. 😝
How about a parent saying "Good girl!" to their grown, independent daughter?!
Same here. And the worst part is that I still feel like a child in contact with others even when I’m way older then them. (I’m 49) . I hate that feeling
Ive had all of this. The regime, life long infantilization, my feelings are invalid or i just shouldn't have any
Love when you say “helping people get their narcissistic family out of them “
"After all, he is your father." That was my mother's line. He was a deadbeat, sociopathic, and narcissistic. That's just calling it what it was.
I tried to get my poor mother to leave my father. She said "You can't leave someone who is sick."
I can relate. I think my parents were to immature to be parents and didn't want the responsibility that comes with raising kids. My mother was the only one who worked the majority of the time, even though my father was very well capable of working. I believe she tolerated it out of fear of being alone. A real parent puts their kids well being above their own selfish wants and needs. There's alot more to being a father than being around 24/7.
I've heard that same line my whole life and I'm 60!!
"Don't let your big mouth get you fired." Quote from my mother about my contribution to a meeting at my work. (I'm 60 , never lost a job, and contribute my expertise at work, just like everyone else). Infantilization.
2:40 #2 drives me nuts. I'm a 46 year old male, military veteran, professional with a family. And it seems every time I'm with my dad and he meets someone new he loves to talk about how cute I was as a 13 year performing in a children's musical theater company. He tells the story of this dance that I did dressed up as a soldier never mentioning that I'm a highly decorated Gulf War Vet.
He ignores all of my accomplishments as an adult and only focuses on 3-years years, from 12 to 15 when I was performing.
4-years active duty, 5-years earn my degree, my 20-year professional career, and my 13-year marriage.
Congratulations to you and thank you for your service.❤ You should be commended and noticed and validated for all your amazing accomplishments. Give yourself a pat on the back and validate yourself you deserve it.❤
@@jl3268 I do I'm very active at American Legion and VFW I love helping and hanging out with other vets. I get a lot of validation from that. It's just funny that I can walk into a room full of strangers and get respect but I can't get that from my own family. SMH
He is jealous of your success.
Yes, that is the narcissistic reality, and in addition to a selective memory it can also include a reinvented version of what did or didn't happen. A narcissist "needs" everyone else to validate their reality which always has a narcissistic purpose to maintain the narcissist's grandiose false image (edit:) and everyone else "lesser than" the narcissist.
This sounds similar to what my mom does. I am an accomplished adult, but she focuses on the weather and cartoons I liked when I was in grade school.
I just noticed that narc people live longer..just my observation
It surely seems like they do!
I agree! My narcissistic mom is 85, a 2 pack a day smoker, diabetic with blood cancer and still is mean as ever!
Yes and why is that? The good people I know are gone and the evil ones seem to never go away
So true! They're too busy being in absolute CONTROL of everything and everyone to ever let go.
I'm sorry you made me chuckle
"Why are you always making mountains out of molehills?"
That's what they always said to me.
"nobody talks like that", "nobody thinks that", "I don't understand why anyone would want to do that", "you're weak", "you need to........, you should/ought", my mother
As the saying goes “If a narcissist didn’t have double standards they’d have no standards at all” strikes me as true. I’ve been on the receiving end of double standards in my family. Now apply this to people in high places and then a completely different perspective enters the picture. The trickle down effect using various resources to further this degrading behavior has had an enormous impact of humanity as a whole. Something to consider..
This is so true. As I understand my narcissistic parents more and more and recognize narcissistic flies I've picked up from them, I can see how destructive narcissism is to humanity as whole. It truly is the "true pandemic." The intergenerational consequences have grown exponentially.
@@mvbigmagic4048 it’s a disturbing yet true fallout. In my 65 yrs on this planet I’ve observed many things but the one which strikes me as relevant for the purposes of this conversation is- the healthy function of (and/or lack thereof) and group of people be it families, business’, the body politic etc always starts at the top. Whom is “leading”? Because the behavior emanating from this place has the trickle down effect in my observations. I like to observe people. Lastly if we were all the same we’d be a boring sorry lot I think 🤷🏼♀️ just don’t try to force upon me or my children/grandchildren values which are destructive -I refer to a larger picture.. that won’t end well, just sayin’. Take care and stay safe.
Narcissism is the foundation of society. Thats why they are supported more than the victims unless of course we die 😁
Finally someone understands. It is so extreme in my family. No one suspects how bad it is behind closed doors. I feel overwhelmed to put it all in words. You really explain everything so easily. Thank you Jerry. ❤
Thanks for sharing!!
Jerry! You are SPOT on! I get called out for “tone” to shut down conversations.Even if I’m calm. They would go “you’re too calm…” it’s like what the heck! How do you want me to communicate, Morse code. 😅👏🏼
they shift the attention on you to avoid responsiblity. do not fall for their bs
Thanks!😃
I learned this the hard way about cutting the enabler off. They abandoned me 3 days before my due date. I've not had a relationship with my dad for years and years but still talked to my mom despite conflicting emotions, but grew more tolerant after I had my 1st child and she was such a good grandmother. He got offended and was able to turn her completely against me and discarded me like a piece of trash on the side of the road all because his "feelings got hurt." I have the text message, completely threw me off. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until months after. It's been 5 months and I still hurt some days that my mom chose him and never asked if the birth went ok or anything about my child. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until after all of this and now I feel dumb thinking I could still maintain a relationship with my mom. So naive
Lifelong infantilization is a guarantee, and what happens when you try to stand up to the childlike treatment? DARVO. Thanks for all you do!
I am and have been dealing with this for 3 decades. Very bad currently. Trapped...
@@miweb3235me too😢
@@miweb3235Very sorry you're trapped in this situation.
I have made repeated attempts to get past this but my parents keep on doing it. It's infuriating and I had no choice but to go no contact with my mom and very low contact with my dad. With my dad I only ever see him at large gatherings where he has other people to hold his attention. I very much limit small talk and conversations with him.
@@miweb3235Sorry for all you're going through. ☹️ I hope you find a path to freedom.
I cannot thank you enough for this insightful presentation!! You describe my mother (age 90) perfectly. She has developed 'sides' among her six children. She was a cold mother, no intimate conversations; her personal emotions were wildly exaggerated, she laughed at my poetry ("stupid poems" she found in my room). She took my ring (saw it in her jewelry box, I left it there) and even found some of my clothes under her bed when I was searching for the cat.Mom was angry (jealous?) when my dad bought me bedroom furniture. She said, "OH! You buy furniture for HER!" My brother said dad told him that mom hated me. (Why, I will never know.). Recently I learned mom kept all my Xmas, birthday, Mothers Day cards from me in a box, unopened - asked brother in law to return them to me, he said no. Mom alienated me, my kids, grandkids over 10 yrs. ago; don't know why. She caters to my twin sisters and their families - bizarre! Thank you for letting me vent.... you are indeed 'wise' Hugs!
Hugs back to you!
All that is about HER a d she projects it on you to cope. I'm dealing with the same thing... she expects me to sacrifice and abandon myself in favor of her. Never again.
I know all of this too well. I’m sorry ❤ I know it hurts & probably even more so with Mothers Day approaching.
I feel so sad for you. My mother is 86, like your mother she was cold, she never connected with me and she was self-centered. As i grew up as an only child, my sister was born when I was 15, I did not realise she had treated us in very different ways. For years, I wondered why she did not love me but I have given up on the why, I was wasting my time. The less I think about her, the better and happier I feel. The problem is her and not you, it has never been you. Sorry for my English, I am French but when I read the comments, I often feel like we are a big family...
Wow, I think the ONLY good thing if you are on the receiving end of all this negativity is that, ironically enough, the survivor becomes the total opposite of the abuser and is a lovely person over all.
It's a gift to have my life finally explained ..when all this time I thought I was just a bad person and worthless for how my parents treated me...I'm 51 and just now figuring this out...hey maybe it wasn't me...although they had me highly convinced..guess I just thought all family's were the same...until my son came along and I can see our relationship is so different ...it's effortless and easy..never knew parent child relationship could be enjoyable until then..
I have learned so much about narcissism. In my family my mother was poisonous. She lied about me to my siblings then I would be told I needed to treat my mother nicer. I never treated my mother disrespectfully and I couldn't understand why she would lie about a simple encounter that was pleasant and turn it into something that didn't happen, then I was the bad person. I decided several times to distance myself from her but I would eventually try again with the same mean and nasty results. I finally decided I would not visit her unless someone else was with me so she couldn't lie about the visit. Her last years were spent in a nursing home because she couldn't care for properly for herself and even then she would make up lies about things that never happened and I was always the bad person even if I hadn't seen her for a considerable amount of time. Many years prior she was diagnosed with mental health issues and I was told then that her mental state was fragile and she lived in her own world. She did get better after some intense therapy but as she grew older she got worse and I was the target. She passed in 2017 and I will guarantee that even then she was arguing with her Maker! She was a bitter and very unhappy woman on this earth and I hope she has finally found some peace.
My mom would lie to my father about me when I was younger and into my teens. It wasn’t until I saw it in action with my brother and my father was on his way to punish my brother and I had to stop him and tell him that what my mother told him was a lie. I have no idea how many times my brother and I got into trouble unnecessarily due to my mom lying. And she lied to our relatives and said my brother and I did nothing for her. I have not talked, texted, or emailed her in many years. When I let her go it was amazing how much better life was.
@@missscarlett579 I'm so sorry about what you experienced and am thankful you were able to intervene on your brother's behalf. It's scary at how much damage a narcissistic person can do to others and it's not until we realize what is really going on that we can begin to heal. I'm so glad to hear you took steps to protect yourself and are feeling much better. Take care and I wish you well on your healing journey.
I remember see one particular mother putting her hands over her son's mouth as he began to verbalize his issues with his mother's parenting and behavior.
I looked and thought, "She doesn't want to hear the truth."
You just described my mother, completely. Her terrible communication (withholding information, agreeing to something, then doing the opposite, refusing to keep me updated on events that directly affect me) just caused a level of turmoil I have never felt before. Just happened yesterday, and I am now sleep deprived as I try to recover from an exhausting URI. She is a despicable monster of a person, and I am desperate to get away from her!
Edit... she prepares lessons in Bible study for her church. Yet this is how she treats her own daughter.
Go no contact. I am in the same situation. 18 months contact free - never been more at peace! God knows the truth!
@@MarcieAnne-do3yqThank you for your words of encouragement. 🌸
Same here...My narc mother pastor's a church with my enabling stepfather
Very sorry. You decribed very well a situational feeling ive had many times. You sound smart. Just remember, you can construct your life the way you want it. And its not your job to do the bidding of your parent for life. There is an expiration date on suffering. Youll getthere.
@@firefeethok_tui2355I so appreciate your supportive reply. It helps so much. Thank you!! 🌸
Thank you, Jerry, for your affirming wisdom. At the time I went no contact with our mother and her two golden children, I didn't know "narcissism" was a thing. I just concluded our mother suffered pathological envy, that going no contact was the only way to stop the abject, overt abuse.
Understand this 100% ! Big hugs!
What if I said before going no contact with my narc mother: I make too many mistakes that upset you, and I don't want to upset you anymore. I've become a burden." It's actually not completely false. It might give me some comfort to say that before walking away.
My mother discarded me for stating boundaries at the holidays. She sent me a letter saying I am 'not allowed to have a relationship with her or anyone else in the family if I do that'. This arrived in the mail on valentines day. Then yesterday out of the clear blue she texted me saying she hopes in safe in a (mild) thunderstorm. Didn't answer the nasty letter or the text message.
Jerry is speaking facts about narcissistic parents and family .
Appreciate that
Also, let’s not forget they want to be eternally young (in their warped minds this is a possibility!) Well, then if you are the son or daughter, in their mind you can’t go past teenage years so they ‘never’ get old and this justifies their bossiness over you.
This makes sense!!
family member touched me& molestation- MOM CALLED ME the dirty minded LIAR [happy Mothers day momma!]!!!!
I had both parents and a sister. Narcs every one
Yes on the infantilization of whole adults. The last visit my MIL took it upon herself to order kitchen supplies that I didn't need nor want nor ask for. She ordered a paper plates (hate them and honestly, why so many) and sponges. If I wanted sponges in my kitchen, they'd already be there. If she actually cared to know me she'd know I hate single use anything. But this is about control. I'm low contact btw.
I would almost say that is a click bait title but everything that you said was true and it was my experience.. I cut out of my life everyone that the Narcissist was connected to.
I think it’s often assumed that we know physical distance is key…. I’m just learning that now
This helps so much, it is so hard to find someone who really understands the complexity of a narcisist “regime”. It helps me stay sane while distancing and working on myself and gives me hope. Thank you for another great video!
You are so welcome!
So true regarding their infectious bite. I have gone no contact and working on getting them out of me.
Having a narcissistic parent is like living in a low-category soap opera.
3:27 #3 the one time I confronted my father about how I find it embarrassing when he infantilizes me especially in front of others. He was bewildered and confused and couldn't understand what that would bother me. When I attempted to explain why he quickly changed the subject.
I have 2 family members who’ve insisted they needed “explanations” to “why my behavior bothers you”. When it was a simple request to please stop. (One was to please stop sending me HUNDREDS of links to articles & videos about things I has NO interest in). I had already explained to both my brother & cousin. This is, imho, a control attempt. To say that you shouldn’t be bothered by this behavior. They don’t want an explanation, they want you to just accept this awful behavior. I did not and now NC with both of them.
Yep! You can count on all of these things....100 percent! If anyone is reading this and has the ability to move away from these people, do it! I'm stuck. Trapped. It's been hell and it's getting worse! Believe me! Get out of dodge ASAP. Things will ONLY get worse for you. They will never change. The abuse WILL escalate and the narc will do everything in his/her power to trap you like mine did.
I'm trapped too. It's so hard. I hope you (we) can find a way out. 💕
I'm so sorry you're trapped. Never forget that it's them not you! Don't let them take over your inner world. I wish you the best.
@@liana2136 ughhh. i know. it's pure torture on the mind, body, and spirit. i've been praying for a miracle. that's what it's going to take to get me out without any resources. I hope you get out soon! truly! i will keep you in my prayers. xo
@@cindy7733Thank you Cindy, your message warms my heart. Praying that you find a way to freedom soon. Sending hugs. 🌸
"Be ruthless with your past, and with those who would keep you there."
The quote, unfortunately, is from Josef Stalin.
But the words still make good advice, in a certain context -- like going (absolutely) no contact.
I mean, "ruthless" is a strong word, but... You get the point.
You are required to learn the rules established by the narc parent for each person in the family. Unconditional love comes with conditions.
Yes. The rule in my fam, your father rages uncontrollably, don't upset him, stand up to him, argue with him, call him out. Just be quiet as you'll only make it worse. Translation, you don't matter and he can do whatever because he is the provider
Thanks Jerry. After protracted years of witting narcissistic abuse, I'm finally in a place to leave my crazy parents in the past. All of my reliance on them has been eliminated as of recently. Now to redirecting time and energy to the next raging dumpster fire that is adult life. ✌
Thank you for addressing the infantalization. This struck very deep for me. There was so much witheld from me and outside influences ,blocked or discouraged. When I finally managed to leave ,I had a huge learning curve due to very poor life and people skills.
Same here
I’m 67 and still have difficulty with my parents who are 90. One grandmother living until 105. I don’t know if my life will ever be peaceful no matter how had I try.
I just know that my 88 year old narc mother will outlive us all.
I finally had to tell my 90 yr old mother, after she yet again used demeaning language on me, she does NOT get to use that language on me anymore. I said it in a calm yet firm manner which no doubt surprised her, I was just done with the verbal/emotional abuse. Naturally my brothers know nothing about this since she does this when no one else is around. The last two times she tried to be awful- she did it where others would be in earshot of my response. Which no doubt put her in an awkward position. Oh well. Mess with an empath long enough- especially one whom has taken the time to heal and learn? Game over. I will no longer participate in these family dynamics. Nevertheless- I’m still considered the problem. No. No I’m not. But hey- believe what you want, I don’t need their approval nor validation. I pray you find a way to find your inner strength, it’s worth the time and effort. Took me many many years to finally see clearly and also stand my ground and not make excuses nor plead for them to understand. They likely never will. Sadly. Life goes on and much more peacefully too.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682of course they think just because they’re older than you, they’re free to disrespect you ignoring the fact that you’re a grown up yourself. I’m glad you stood your ground ❤❤❤❤❤ I wish you all the best in life.
@@kiv_daniels thank you. Currently I live on the same property with these individuals, in my own housing. So it’s become imperative I take care of myself and not allow them to continue using me as their punching bag in the face of their own self imposed ignorance. I just put it right back back on the person whom instigates poor behavior. Naturally that’s not popular- holding a person to account.. not my problem not my monkey anymore.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682 Yesss put it right back on the person who instigates that bad behavior, hold them accountable even though it’s not a popular thing to do as long as it makes you feel better and shows them their boundaries. Don’t stress yourself about their reaction or how they’d feel because when dealing with these people you have to be selfish.❤️❤️❤️❤️
Somehow every little weakness belongs to someone else. My aging mother is getting forgetful and thought her birthday was a day earlier than it actually is. We finally convinced her this was not so. An hour later she asked me if I finally got the date of her birthday straight!
I am in my mid 30's and live on my narc dad's property... my dad does all these things... he literally just stole a letter sent to me by my mother today, he's pretending like it wasn't in the stack of mail but USPS shows it delivered... I am 99% positive he stole it and opened it to spy and to isolate me from my mother (his ex-wife). I despise him.
Time to move.
At least get a PO Box and don't tell him
"You can count on them for abuse and boundary violations."
So unfortunately true. It wasn't a matter of if they'd cross boundaries, but when they would. It's partly why I have such strong hyper vigilance. My body is still "bracing" for their constant boundary violations.
Once again very validating and perfectly timed. No matter how many videos I watch/books I read that describe experiences uncannily like my own and show that my responses are completely normal, there's still always a small part of me whispering "maybe I'm wrong, maybe she is the caring, compassionate long-suffering person she claims to be and that the extended family seem to see her as". Which is why it's helpful to keep coming back to see more videos for reassurance and try to deprogramme myself. Thanks so much 🙏 your videos are truly appreciated - they are helping more than you know.
The see-saw effect! It's tiring and exhausting.
I like how you always say "getting them out of us." It really is like they inhabit you.
I love you, Jerry - you have no idea how you've saved my life - and I know I'm not alone! ❤
Wow, thank you!❤️
Yes, your spot on. 👏 I'm 47 yrs old , I'm beginning to understand this, i can now name the craziness. Im in South Africa 🇿🇦 and its as if you are in my family, walking around taking notes. Please teach us on the connection between physical illness and narcissism, i think they are connected. I have gastric problems whenever my narc mother is around.
I do to and she makes me want to DRiNK
They cause anxiety & stress which damages your whole body. It's so normal you don't even realize you are stressed.
Conflict drama going on! If I didn't know better, I would swear that he knows my family- Personally!
No more fake daily calls where mom doesn’t keep the secret that my punishment is $100 in the will while everyone else knows about the humiliation waiting but has kept from me for years.
Ya I'll be getting bucks but passing much onto at least one of my kids (other's unworthy and'mm be getting her own through her partner) but honestly it's tainted money and I guess knew she had no one really besides me, no one not crazy either, she's written scapegoat child out and they're so old I can't believe either's still going, one's almost 90 and the other 70, very heavy drinking, smoking, they've really the devil 😈 to pay!
They always use the inheritance as bait.
My inheritance was supposed to be all of my dad's half of the estate (as his only heir) and 1/3rd of my mother's half (as one of her three heirs). But after my dad passed, mother destroyed his will and changed hers to give the entire estate to her first two children, my half-siblings, from her first marriage. She worked it out with them behind my back, and I didn't know it until a few months after she passed away.
EDIT: For added context, I was indeed the scapegoat and truthteller. Both of my half-siblings are every bit as toxic as my mother was, but in different ways.
@@amberinthemist7912yes
I learned more in 1 week of watching your videos than years in therapy in Mexico. MIL GRACIAS ❤❤❤❤❤
Long before ever seeing your first video, I shared with my older my brother that very issue regarding our mother: Infantilization.
I just didn't know the term at the time. I joked and said our mother and I will both be using walkers, and she will still be trying to treat me like a child.
While he laughed, what you are sharing verified my argument and position on the matter.
Thank you Jerry! Spot on! I also think thise things happen more as they age. Maybe they know they are losing control of their fantasy world so to help them keep hold. They are more shaming, smothering, playing the martyr.
By being hammered on all that you say about narc parents...I am finally on the right path...I knew they were weird and got sucked into their emotional drama... finally, finally I am able to see myself independent of their influence...it's such a relief! Never thought it was even possible...I just thought I will have to live with the contradictions...unless i relocate to some corner of the world for good!
It's true that we all have to die and we maybe in the end are not worth anything except for the atoms that make us up. So don't get me wrong what I am about to say is not because of any kind of self-importance.
But how much is your life worth to you? You have to ask yourself that question. Because narcissistic parents did not give you any sense of any value of your life. Did not give you any sense of self-importance. You always took the backseat you always had to sweep your emotions and your perceptions under the rug. Your views never counted. They were never validated.
So now as a survivor of narcissistic abuse and narcissistic neglect, when you go no contact is when you finally put your foot down for yourself and not for anybody else but for yourself. Now you can get the quietude to try to establish your sovereignty and your identity and reconnect with your authentic self.
Do not allow guilt even on birthdays and holidays the tempt you to try to make any contact with those demons who robbed you of a lot of time and energy
You are right. I went low contact for a year. What I did was become really intentional about what I did and didn't do. Took time to think and respond. Not just automatic. No need to feel bad
Thank you again, again and again Jerry! This is so helpful and true...the infantilization I'm 54 parents are in early 80s! My Dad actually left me a voicemail msg the day after his birthday using my full name saying "It was my birthday yesterday and I did not hear from you!" OMG give me f'ckn brake! Yes, I'm getting to know my new experience of being myself!!!! I love it!! I love your quote..."the vampiric bite"! You are absolutely correct!!☮
You got this!💪
Dead on Michael. That's why I live in Tennessee and they in Maryland.
My mother is a covert marcissit.
She is 90 I'm 68. She has alzeimers i have been diagnosed with vascular dementia
try coconut oil, cbd broad spectrum oil and hyperbaric chamber treatments if you can.
Bullyz FABRICATE their Denied pain by CONTROLLING Others
How many times have been TOLD what i am thinking & feeling
Thank god for articulating BOUNDARIES - AMEN
I am stressed and beginning to make mistakes I know better than to make- and I wonder if it's because of the patterns I was forced into as a child? Like the message that I was a screw up, worthless, useless etc..and being stressed has my brain literally going blank at random times? I have not been able to talk to me counselor in 2 months due to money stress...
I have experienced the brain going blank, fear of speaking and messing up, freezing in public or in distress.
I have a mother who calls me "mommy" and a Golden Child older sister who wants me to be an infant and the Scapegoat forever.
Thank you for this! This resonates with my life greatly! ❤
You are so welcome!🙂
Thank you! You have changed my life.
You're so welcome!
"When did I ever do anything like that?!" 😂😂
Thank you for your “Wise” advice on navigating narcissistic family systems. Need you to know how helpful it is and how it makes complete sense to those of us enmeshed in the abusive cycle. ❤
Jerry hits the nail on its head every time, and this video proves how much he knows about narcissistic parents.
I’m 62 and my mother is 84, and she still does all the things Jerry talks about in this video. One-sided boundaries, anger, intensity, life-long infantilization, “I talk and I’m right, you talk and you’re wrong”, all the abuses he mentions in this video happened and continues to happen in my family of origin. However, I became part of Jerry’s program and he has helped me pull myself out of the effects of this narcissistic abuse. His program is like no other I have found. I am finding myself becoming less and less affected by these narcissistic tactics, seeing them for what they really are (a way to soothe the narcissist) and I am able to let go of the emotional pull from my mother and sisters. Instead of taking their comments personally, or falling into their emotionally charged traps, I am feeling more and more empowered and myself. Thanks again, Jerry, for another great video.
You are so on point! I am 62. My sister is 60. Our 80 year old mother has caused us so much pain. We both suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. Things are more out of control than ever. Now we are being guilted because she is 80 and my sister and I are single making us the obvious ones to care for her. My brothers are all married and moved away with their families. For our own mental health, my sister and I have finally decided to move away from her. Guilt is heaped on us from my mom’s friends and other family members when my mom complains to them about how she will make it on her own. I tried to take my life 3 years ago, and my sister has confided she has suicidal thoughts. We’ve been supporting each other. But listening to you has made me realize the horrific cycle we are in.
I hear you on that. I'm near 60 an only child. Both of mine are alive and they're 80. I've lost my health because of them and will be the one stuck sorting their affairs and caring. They won't make any plans and I'm really sick and I don't think my mother gives a damn!
@@bereal6590 I feel your suffering 😢
Thanks for sharing yall stories. I'm 46 and refuse to be apart of her bs for years to come. They dont change. Why deal with her for decades more.
Horrible ungodly evil hurtful people
It’s like you’ve met my father and dealt with him my whole life. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Jerry I hope you will do a video on dealing with golden child narc siblings that are part of this enabling regime. Thanks for all that you do! Your videos are so helpful for people dealing with these painful family dynamics.
I have a video on the golden child, you can find it here- ruclips.net/video/iM_KXCfoZyM/видео.htmlsi=2Koo8kzNiMzE-RfW
Thanks for watching
@@jerrywise thank you Jerry, I just watched it - it’s spot on and really helped me move towards even greater clarity and confidence in my own thoughts about my tragic family history.
My family exactly!! Learning to recover & struggling. Thank you, Jerry. 😢
You got this!
You explained everything I needed to know. I am NC for 2 years from my narcissistic family.
Well I’m simply glad to have been born an independent spirit left home early while still in school saved myself from a lot of bs
This is exactly what my husband and I have experienced with his mother and her close relatives. So crazy!
You know what gets me? All the older people I come across who cry over their children not speaking to them or not allowing grandchildren near them. They always insist they were good parents and blahblahblah. I'm sorry but my first guess is usually that they're likely a narc or otherwise (forgive this) abewsivv and don't see it/won't admit it. Now yes, it could be something else. It very well could be. But I'm disinclined to think so.
This really hits home…especially the infantilization and rejecting of feelings. This fits my 90+ year old mother exactly. I’m her caregiver and have learned to stand up for myself. However, I am working on doing that without raising my blood pressure…😐. Typically she will voice a put down of some sort..insult, etc. Then when that is challenged, I get the “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “that’s not what I meant”. Or the one we have all heard “you’re too sensitive”. It’s frustrating.
I thought that my narc mother infantalize me, because she was so vain that she couldn't accept her own aging process. That's what I told her 30 years ago. Glad you cleared that up. Guess I can't apologize since I've been no contact ever since. I was wrong, you just wanted to control me and ruin my life for me. My bad.
That was it
.she turned 180 degrees
Dead on.
Spelled my father out to a tee.
I wish I could stop thinking about my mom. My dad has passed, but I hadn't spoken to him since 1993. I hadn't considered that my mom was also a narcissist until recently. My mom and I have been low contact since I was a teenager. Now, she is old and alone. I'm 92% sure she has dementia, but she refuses to see a doctor, so who knows. Maybe she's pretending for sympathy?
Anyway, she is going downhill quickly. She's only 76, but her years of physical neglect is starting to catch up to her. She asks me for help, but when I try to help her, she refuses. She needs help managing her finances since her husband died 2 years ago. I told her I needed to get a POA in order to handle her finances for her. She refuses to sign the POA, and still blames me for not being willing to help her. I'm grey rock with her most of the time. A couple times a year I'm not able to maintain the mask, and that's usually a disaster (for me. She loves to see me upset and gets a lot of entertainment value from it.).
I'd like to stop thinking about her, tbh. Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting the "phone call." You know that one, that your parent had a fall or was out driving and was in an accident (she KNOWS she shouldn't be driving due to vision problems). In the last year, her teeth started falling out, she's lost about 50 pounds (she was quite overweight, so now she looks normal sized), she is refusing to take her Type 2 diabetes meds. Her hip isn't good and I'm concerned that she'll fall down the stairs or in the shower.
It's not obvious that she has dementia, but someone who is around her regularly will see it. I think she can still bluff her way through a conservatorship process. If I sought to gain a conservatorship over her estate, the judge wouldn't grant it due to the fact that she can still put on a good show for an hour or two before her mild cognitive decline starts becoming obvious. That's enough to get through a doctor's appointment or a court date.
Now I'm waiting for the emergency to happen. It's what happened with her own mother who died of Alzheimer's disease.
I’m so sorry to hear your predicament. Many are in similar situations
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ktwxkl*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzk0MTcwOS4yOC4xLjE3MTM5NDE3MTQuNTUuMC4w
I think they are
Connected. My covert mother is 90 and has alzeimers i am 68 and have been diagnised with dementia
Amen! You just nailed this one to a T
COUZIN - Where were you 4YRS AGO - now i know EXACTLY whats ya talking !🇨🇦
Thank you Jerry 💛 This is the absolute truth 🙏✌️
#4. Absolutely correct! I have seen it.
You are right on with this… all the way
Thank you so much! It is the family and not just one person any dealing with all of them that you are helping us with!
Perfectly describes my dad.
Perfect description of my narcisistic family, and the way we use to communicate each other.