@@MrLetnum yes Linnon, it does. Even if it feels like a loop, gradually, the blame stops, self dignity is regained, and life actually changes, anger might persists but anger is a key emotion that was not tolerated at childhood, so it's okay to have anger, in fact, I am using this shit load of anger to direct myself in ways. I find it the most dangerous thing with Neglect, is making excuses for parents, such as the video explains, this is closely tied to feeling self-blame for being ungrateful to the parents. So, Anger feeds self-blame and vice versa. Remember three things: 1) Understanding is different because it's for you, and not for the person who committed the neglect. So, if your parents are still alive, don't bother making them understand, but instead, make yourself understand. It's the only way to have a chance of breaking the cycle of anger and self-blame 2) neglect is very subtle and is not less sever than abuse itself. I am sure, people once said, at least your parents didn't beat you!!! which is very funny and only reinforces self-blame. 3) forgiveness is totally optional in this case, I personally prefer not to forgive, many therapists told me that I have to forgive in order to move on, but I don't buy that. I prefer to be unforgiving to people who wronged me. Do that and you will be amazed by the results in your life, especially the self-image and relationship with others.
I gave up after trying for decades to make it work with my mother. She was a Narcissist who neglected her child and ruined my love and life. I tried and tried and tried with NO success all she would do is point her finger at me and never look in the mirror. It was the beast thing to say NO MORE and walk away and never see her again and she died 10 yrs later. Unfortunate but I’m glad she’s gone it’s the only thing that gave me relief from not tryin FB anymore. But, it’s VERY clear what she did and she should have NEVER had children.
Oh Jonice! 🥺 One day my mom just turned away from me and walked down the street until I couldn’t see her anymore. I never saw her again. She’s still alive. She just doesn’t want to see me even though I was a really good boy. I FINALLY know what was wrong her and what’s been so painfully wrong with me. And why being a good dad (which I am) to my daughter has been so fucking hard. 😖😭 You just saved my life and helped me to ensure that my daughter has no ECN. Oh dear sweet Jonice! I’ve desperately needed to hear this since I was a little boy. If I ever get the chance to thank you in person, I hope you won’t mind that little boy, who has been secretly hurting for over 40 years, inside me give you a very loving hug. Love, Zachary❤️❤️❤️
I would probably rather be physically neglected than emotionally. People always feel so bad for people who have been neglected (normal neglect) as children, but nobody ever talks about emotional neglect. I honestly don't really know who I am anymore. I don't have an opinion at all because my parents make every decision themselves.
You can make a change... start reading lots of books to get your mind off of their manipulation! You can be a healthy adult you just have to stay true to yourself!
Our parents' ego needs have preempted our needs before we were born. The fact is that we were treated like an appendage of theirs. Like an arm or a leg that has a function only to serve the body, but not an identity in itself. That's soul murder. The sad thing is that they may never understand this, or see it this way. We have to move on by ourselves, and give to ourselves what was never given to us from the beginning.
I am out of touch with myself. I feel like it's all their fault and I feel annoyed because I had to suppress my own emotions in order to get through school. my parents are in the wrong for being emotionally neglectful.
I have looked to so many diagnoses. I've read the DSM. I'm not kidding. I've actually read it. And there is a lot in there. It's actually great for descriptions of clusters of behaviors, and that sort of thing, but nothing gave me an explanation for how or why I felt the way I do. Some things came close: dissociative states, ADHD, Depression, Narcissism, schizoid personality, etc. Many of these have part of the picture for me, but I'm don't feel they quite fit. CEN fits like a glove. It describes how I grew up, how I feel, how I relate to the world, and to myself. You're not alone Man.
@@chadisan what's CEN? I had a pretty rough childhood, truth be told it I endured a true disaster.. the person I was, the person I could have been. It was horrible.. And the finger points towards them failing me as parents.. not just them but at the school teachers as well.. I was failed pretty badly. And now I have to deal with that grief and pain and agony/torture/regret of such heavy loss.. my parents tell me stop thinking about the past.. truth is my past was EVERYTHING. everything I was, could have been and SHOULD have been. I just want a person to ACTUALLY understand what I mean for onceeee.. I feel completely alone in this... This shitstorm of a trauma.. for now I feel a void in myself, a void that may never be fully replaced... Chronic emptiness.. I honestly feel like I'm going insane, noone understands trauma or the nature of it... I feel theres contingency or difference between what people think and what ACTUALLY WAS or once was the truth.. it was more than a trauma, it was my everything..
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I think I have a mixture of all three. My parents loved me and they did their best with "providing", but we never had much money so life was always a huge struggle. We had struggles with illnesses too. They were always angry, always fighting, my mum was hysterical, hypercritical and controlling, so I naturally suppressed my emotions. When you're around someone overbearing you tend to forget how you feel and just want to placate them and obey. So she was selfish in that she didn't see how I might be feeling, her feelings always came first. It didn't occur to me to express myself to her. Even when I was being bullied it didn't occur to me to tell my parents because I didn't think they would be on my side. I also think my mum grew up with a blind spot, like she "did everything she could" but the emotional side of things just didn't occur to her or something.
I was emotionally neglected. Now I try not to be like that with my kids. My parents were emotionally neglected as children so it's all they knew. I don't find relating emotionally to my children easy as it does not come naturally so I have to make a real effort.
I was able to give my daughter a strong sense of her own self. I was determined from before she was born, that she would not be neglected. But I erred in my explosive anger. I had a difficult time with her mother's way of handling conflict. She puts up a silent wall, while I come from an explosive family. We were like oil and water. But I know that my daughter does not have the same issues with cut-off. The chain of neglect is broken. Still working on trust.
@Sarah J that's true, I couldn't think for myself so that's why I needed help to do this and change my behaviour. CEN children have been been neglected many times a day for years in very subtle and unnoticeable ways, causing many emotional and mental problems as a result. It's very complicated. When I had children I vowed I'd not be like my mother and that certainly did help. But I needed to learn how to be an attentive mother and break the chain, by learning how to pay attention to myself first, and then pass that on to them. You can't give out what you've never been given.
I think a common trait of people, who experienced neglectful childhoods, is that we were conceived out of "duty" rather than "love." My parents are wonderful people, but I fear they should have never conceived me because they were too busy taking care of others and did not realize they left their own child at the bottom of their "energetic" queue. E.g. my dad was a wonderful teacher, who made the lives of a lot of his students much better, yet he never taught me a single thing and he was just too exhausted by the time he got home (and I was often in bed by then). My parents mistook my "independent," "serious" and "quiet" nature as a sign that they had done a good job, when in reality I was just completely traumatized and stunned that I had to bury all my feelings just to survive in a world I perceived as hostile and uncaring. So I repeated the cycle by marrying a wonderful woman, who spent her entire energy helping others, she again misunderstood my "supportive" and "low maintenance" nature as a sign the relationship was strong. Yet when I fell deadly ill and I required her to prioritize my need for support over the needs of her friends and family, I did not know how to properly express it and it came as a shock to her and ran away.
I have only recently learned that many of my current issues can be traced back to my traumatic childhood. In the sixties my dad divorced my mom and moved out of state to be with his new wife. He left her with three kids aged 5, 3, and 1. My father had gotten my mom pregnant in high school and they had to get married shortly after graduation and had my older brother, then me, then my baby brother. After he left, my mother moved to a different town to find a good enough paying job so she could support us. I think it was also the shame people loaded on her that drove her to start over somewhere new. She worked the night shift and had to pay a babysitter to stay with us. It is no wonder she was not emotionally available, I think she was just in survivor mode and she did not know how to give herself love, let alone us kids. She was always sad and tired. Then as my older brother grew up he had a rage problem and he started punching me. I protected my little brother as much as I could. Because my mom was so tuned out to what was really going on, she didn't realize the abuse was happening. If I told on him, she just chalked it up to siblings fighting. The end result is that I latched onto the first man that came along and got married at 18. My older brother went on to beat other women and eventually broke his neck in an accident and spent 30 years in a wheelchair. My younger brother also has rage issues and other emotional problems. What helped me the most was raising my own kids. I was determined to give them a great childhood and I did sacrifice myself for them for fifteen years until I became strong enough to reach for happiness for myself. Once I left that stifling marriage I got 2 degrees in five years and I like to think I showed my kids how to stand up for yourself and create your own happiness. I am still working on giving myself the love I never got as a child. It's never too late!
It feels like my mom never listened to me as a kid. She definitely doesn’t now. I try and tell her about things that I’m interested in, but I can tell she’s not paying attention. She often has to ask me about parts of my life I’ve already talk to her about multiple times, like the names of friends or classes I’m taking. I fear that it predisposes me to care less about other people because my mom has never payed my interests much mind. It also makes me less likely to speak up in conversations and so my peers often straight up don’t hear what I’m saying or don’t pay attention. Socially, I feel like I’ve never had much confidence or know-how specifically because of my mom. I hate how socially inept I am. But hey, it makes English my best subject because I’ve always put a lot of effort into being understood in a format where people have no choice but to listen to my thoughts and opinions
Well presented. but, the music is very distracting [and slightly corny, annoying] it would be better to have no music, or maybe ambient, minimalistic soundscape that is hardly noticeable. it might be me, or an English thing? many , including my classical guitar mentor, refer to it as ' musac', which is derogatory/elevator music. best wishes.
2:12 thank you sooo much for saying this! Every time the subject of my neglectful/abusive parents comes up when speaking with someone they ALWAYS make excuses for them, even they don't know my parents and have never met them. It is so frustrating.
I went on a walk about for a few years when I graduated from high school.I was COMPLETELY neglected and abused by all the adults in my life,except for my grandpa.Anyways,people suck.A world full of narcisitic sociopaths/psychopaths.Anytime I have ever wanted to see who a person really is all I have to do is trust them with something.It matters not.It can be a word or a trinket.One thing is for sure is that if I dont extend any trust or confide in anyone I will never be disappointed.
@@silversnow3186 my sincerest apologies Silver Snow. I got your response mixed up with someone else's. I was under attack this evening by a sociopath. Thank you for your very kind words. I have sought counceling to no avail. I have gone to 3 or 4 now. And they were just terrible experiences. One of them tried to sleep with me! I just couldn't believe it! Which darkened my view of psychotherapist's to say the least. One just wanted to put me on antidepressants to increase her big pharma kickbacks. And the other wasn't interested in treating anyone who wasn't either a woman or a homosexual. So I was disqualified on both accounts. It has been a long and bumpy road. But I am not alone. Some of the best,kindest,empathetic people to ever walk this planet have come from the harshest of beginnings. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is really true. Some people confuse strength with insensitivity. But real strength comes from finally facing your past and coming to the realization that you were actually under attack by the ignorance and pain of others. That the grand majority of people project onto the people around them that which they have been victims of. The strength to forgive. The strength to understand that we are not what happens to us. Thank you and peace be with you.
My parents are a combo of all three types. My father was a depressed, schizophrenic alcoholic and was emotionally unavailable. Basically my moms 4th child. My mom told me that she wanted to abort me but decided not to because my father was heavily drinking at the time and was accusing her of sleeping around and she wanted to prove that I was indeed his. When I was about 4-5 years old I was sent away to live with my grandparents (her parents) in Poland for 10 months. Before I was sent away I remember being at a grocery store with my mom and I think I was being bratty. She told me that she can't wait to be rid of me so that she may have some peace. I later found out in my 20s that her father molested her and her sisters when they were little. This really angered me because why would she send me to live with someone who may potentially be a child predator? He never did anything to me though. I remember trying hard not to be a pain in the butt to my grandma because I was afraid she would send me away as well. I have always felt out of place and lonely in the world and never really knew why. I just turned 40 and for some reason I can't stop thinking about how I and my siblings have been treated by my parents. My brother, who is a year older than myself just recently moved out of my basement and into my parents house and my sister, who was more of a mother to me than anyone, basically lives in poverty. She's about 9 years older than me. I remember her being verbally abused by both my parents. Anyway, I need to stop, lol. Can't wait to get a hold of your book.
Janice S - "I have always felt out of place and lonely in the world and I never knew why".... yep me too! I totally get it. I thought I had autism or something because it's hard for me to connect with people emotionally. My older sisters were more of a mother to me then my own mother but then they all left by the time I was nine years old and I was left alone until I was 17 and moved out of the house a week after I graduated high school. My parents went to work when I got home from school so I had been staying home alone while they were at work since I was 9.
Sometimes I remember things with a pain so deep it hardly becomes to me. Growing up, I had a sense that I might be pretty smart and I was sensitive, but I was never told I was anything. My parents and grandparents hod zero understanding of who I was or what I needed. I wasn't anything. I loved playing music, but I was never encouraged, so I didn't dare pursue it academically, because I didn't think I was good enough and I knew I would fail. No one ever said, "It's ok for you to fail. At least try. Give it a shot." So the rest of my life has been letting things happen passively, taking the roads of least resistance, because I've been crippled by inability to understand my own basic needs. My wife and I split after 20 years because I just couldn't get it. I always wanted to work on the marriage and we tried, but I have too many holes to meet her needs. I'm afraid to date again, because I think I'll probably come up short and disappoint. Oh well.
Mum struggled , I was to gratify her. I was unseen at home for becoming seen as my persona. What happens from outside of myself ,without clear distinction, is hard to take control of. Plus that which is not inside us bears no meaning, as time goes by. I agree with you💕Thanks At first , Mum was capable of bringing me to an open place where I was equal n normal . In the eyes of other ppl outside our family . Mum had a mother wound.💜Thanks .
My birth parents fall into category one and two. I was an unwanted child to young teen parents who hated children. My birth father had zero patience with kids and would take his frustrations out onto me. He was completely focussed on him and his life. My birth mother felt deeply trapped being a parent and there was chronic abandonment.......... myself, been working on myself for twenty years to be the parent I never had.
Dear Innerdepths, it sounds like you endured abuse as a child, in addition to CEN. I'm very impressed that you've been working on yourself to be a better parent that you had yourself. You are one of the people who is ending the cycle. That is true heroism, in my opinion. All my best to you.
phenomenal read , simply "Brilliant"my mum came from the philosophy of "children should be seen, and not heard"..... and I often felt "sorry" for her~I knew something was seriously a rye as early as age 13 , my dad the antithesis, of mother, I'm blessed to have studied post grad work in the field of counseling +education,and I am grateful for "a name and a concise, path to follow for myself and sharing with colleagues and clients" Thanking you kindly,
why are people cursed? and then blamed for the curse? thats more enfuriating that anything, the fact that we are misunderstood and made to feel bad because of somethings thats out of our control
In my situation, this started as an adult around the age of 31 or so. My parents just started to not give any empathy, sympathy or even acknowledgement when I went through a hardship, really tough time or bad news of no fault of my own. (When they used to when I was younger). I remember going though a really rough time and hearing my Dad say to my Mom: "Just don't say anything!" as in, don't react" which is turn has caused whatever I had been through to be twice as bad since there wasn't even any support. They "shut down" or ignore me. My problem is not blaming myself - which I only did briefly; my problem is all my guilt associated with being So Upset and angry at them for the past 7 years or so because of the way it's become. :-(
CeeStyleDj: Thank you for sharing this. I, too, experienced negative treatment from my mom as I aged. It really confused me because it didn't fit with our relationship when I was a kid. I have come to suspect that i just didn't realize something was off when I was a kid because how could I know without the maturity of living. Also, maybe there were reasons she was okay when I was younger: my dad's influence on her; fear of what others would think; she could control little kids; she saw me as an investment in her future, etc. Whatever reason explains why she provided the basics for me as a child, I have no idea why she rejected me as an adult. Was she just tired of feeling obligated? As a child she never hugged me, asked about my day, played with me, smiled at me, taught me anything, etc. I am grateful that she fed me, got me to school and doctors, but I really would have liked to see love in her eyes. Yours is the first comment that I have found about this child/adult dichotomy parent. I think we are in a very strange position because this is unknown territory for therapists. There is little to explain to us what happened to us. For me, this dichotomy has produced a very confused life filled with guilt that I am the problem. Sometimes I think she just believed she did her job and no longer feels obligated. She wants me to go away. To me this means she never wanted me in the first place. I never gave her any joy. I relate to everyone this way now. I think no one wants me around.
@@nancybartley4610 it's almost exactly the same for me except the roles are reversed. Your mom is my dad and your dad is my mom in my case. Yes, I spoke to a therapist about it in detail and his response was almost like " well you just have to try to not let it bother you and do your own thing ". And this is coming from a guy who has been a therapist for over 18 years. He's a great guy and he did give me good practical advice for other things but when it comes to this, it's like he doesn't really know what to say. I'm so sorry you went through such a similar thing. I just went through another personal experience regarding my parents just a few minutes ago. It's unfortunate because it's affected my body too. I have all these physical symptoms because of it that I'm trying to heal from. Therapist called somatic. I call it physiological due to trauma. You just have to be resolute in your healing. It's crazy that I typed this five years ago and I'm still going through the same thing now. Some things have gotten worse, some things have gotten better. What has gotten better is I started to no longer dwell so much in terms of thinking: "so bad" " oh my God, I can't believe this" "I can't believe I went through why were they doing it that way?" Now, I just think in terms of trying to heal my mind and body through meditation and realizing that my parents didn't or don't have the tools to be able to express themselves in a more healthy emotional way. And it probably has to do with their parents and how they were brought up. You have to be calm, yet firm in your healing. You have to sort of self soothe yourself while realizing that they did what they could with the tools they had and maybe something in their mind was bothering them personally. I try to do breathing exercises, stay calm, and keep trying to heal my body and mind. I've been trying to get my physical body a lot healthier because I know that helps. What more can a therapist really say besides what I mentioned? I guess not much. I guess it's just realizing that it was a different time for them, and they just didn't have the tools at their disposal that we are so fortunate enough to have today to be able to find ways to effectively communicate or Express the correct emotions. and then take the pain of our personal past, and personally tried to heal ourselves through self-care, meditation, and realizing that we are going to get better in spite of what happens. Don't get me wrong, it's still extremely tough at times but it's getting a little bit better. Just focus on healing your body and mind and not so much dwelling on how bad it was. Because we both realize that it got pretty bad at multiple times. Just keep those positive vibes going and have good intent.
After reading your article and studying into this I finally discovered that I've suffered from emotional neglect through my entire childhood and not even seen it. I'm 21 and still live with and depend on my neglectful parents. How do I raise this issue without causing huge emotional breakdowns or putting lives at risk? My mother is emotionally unstable, constantly in pain and suffered from depression, and my father is rarely home and when he is he either goes out or watches TV. I know my mother is lonely because of this, but I have suffered the worst of it. Sorry about the wall of text.
Yes, that does sound like severe CEN. The good news is that you do not have to involve your parents in your healing. I recommend that you read Running on Empty, and also find a therapist who will be willing to work through the book with you. See my blog on my website for advice on how to go about finding the right therapist. I wish you all the best!
This is a great video that I never expected. That is so true. It's the gift that keeps on giving, or taking. there were eight of us and we were all emotionally neglected. Mom was always pregnant with another baby and our father beat us a lot eventually succumbed To His World War II injuries. She was legally blind so we never held any of it against her. When she died recently at 90 it cut us all to the Core. We loved her.. I guess having World War II parents wasn't any easier for them than it was for us. we're all over 50 now, but we took care of her in her old age like she was one of our own little babies. No animosity. It is however a struggle or was to be emotionally available to our own kids because we didn't know how but we fought valiantly not to continue the streak. So far so good.
HSP & CEN Guy (58) here. Good video Jonice! My older sister and I were raised by our m/c english father after their divorce (my age 4); mom was not emotionally or domestically capable of caring for us. So dad was category #2 (struggling with divorce/loss and farming) and possibly a little bit of #3 from his childhood? Zero abuse; just a lack of training and guidance re the facts of life. But everywhere we went dad fed, clothed and academically supported us. Who do I miss after a somewhat difficult childhood? Dad...
I think I have emotionally neglectful parents, what should I do? I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I keep trying to remember who I was but I find it hard to concentrate or have strong memory because of my depression, then I feel frustrated. I feel like somehow they are using me. I doubt my parents even know who they are anymore. my parents always have unhealthy relationships between themselves and others of the outside world. I am kind of beginning to remember where things went wrong but it will take some time. I feel like I am becoming a narcissist and I am faking who I am so I cam be accepted or don't feel pain etc. I know something is amiss here. they arent as emotionally supportive as they used to be. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore :-(
Jessica Halfpenny i found out that my dad is a gambler, thats why my family has been thrown into chaos... my mum is strict and overly cares about herself at the expense of others... she always argues all the time with my dad and family and doesnt see the effects on the family... i dont know though... cause at times she is caring but shes also bossy, very bossy.. and she cam be quite sarcastic and rude. my dad also says things that can be rude at times and a bit insensitive. i mean they mean well half the time but other times they are overly caught up in their problems. they are very withdrawn and keep themselves to themselves... they are nariccists, very selfish. but to me its normal cause thats what i grew up with...
I also recently figured out my parents have been neglectful. First through Jonice Webb, and then later found some interesting articles that talk about emotional neglect and complex ptsd. I ended up searching for explanations for my situation after having a nervous breakdown because of work and going on sick leave. I've self diagnosed myself with manic depression, borderline personality and others, but only after finding the term emotional neglect have pieces started to fall in place. You mentioned you no longer know who you are. This is my problem now as well. I've finally realized that my behavior, reactions to other people's presence, and even opinions are not my own, but are in fact automatic and robotic. I don't know who I am, what I want, and what my future plans are. I guess this has been the case all the time, but it's hard to figure out if you never really stop to think about it. Have been on sick leave for over a month now, and have a few weeks left. Honestly speaking I'm terrified. I know it should be ok for me to rest, but it just feels like wasting time. My head feels like a beehive, and I'm tired all the time. I'm also getting skinnier. As a 28 year old, I guess I'm still young and I have lots of time to make my life better. But right now it seems like such a burden. It's like growing up without parents and then suddenly asked to parent yourself. It's too much. I did start therapy though. A little worried about paying for it though, as it's expensive as hell. But if all else goes wrong I'll make my parents pay for it. I'm their doing, so they should take some responsibility. At least I've told them, so they know what they've done.
there is no overcoming to it, you can call it depression or put some other label on it but it doesn't change it, you can even get better at disguising it to yourself but it always comes back it cant be fixed. go ahead and make all the excuses for them you want but the fact is they were adults who knew there was a problem and chose not to do anything to change it. I know exactly when and how it happened but this doesn't change it in anyway, I have tried my entire life to rise above it at six yr old I started trying to fix my mom by making her happy at all cost to myself. the day she told my grandmother in front of me I have never been happy a day in my life my heart went out to her completely and I was destroyed by it, not long after that she told me if I had of been born a boy she wouldn't have had to have any more kids because dad had told her she would have them until she gave him a son I shut down and became a real mother to my baby doll I became my entire families mother at that point and became so used there is nothing left and now even my great empathy and loving compassion toward others has been destroyed I cant quit screaming inside from the loss of it my very soul is in mourning begging God for a cave to live in away from everyone and every sound and every movement and every smell. some people are just to sensitive for the cruelty of this world and all we want is to leave it. I do not think of suicide I just do not want to be here, the damage is done it just is.......Heavenly Father I ask forgiveness for becoming selfish in isolating myself and for not being a stronger person, I cannot overcome, I gave them everything of me I am depleted Dear Jesus only bruises heal remember me because I cant, I have not hardened my heart it is just empty I have given it all away I am a skin sack full of bones.....My own sensitivity is my abuser, I have turned my empathy towards others towards my own self and I am unable to parent or comfort myself or to have compassion on myself
I would still argue that ALL categories of parents should accept some blame. A parent's role is to learn, evolve and become a better parent over time. In fact, if a parent failed to receive something growing up, then that parent is AWARE (or should be aware) and should make the effort to make sure the child receives what he or she did not.
15 years old over here. I strongly believe that I'm being neglected by my mother at the time that I'm typing this. Maybe it's just the puberty horomones talking, but I'm starting to go from sadness to anger. My mom's single, works one job. I'm going through tons of stuff right now. Mostly emotional stuff, but also some physical stuff too. I'm trying to get help from my *only* parent, but all I get in response is, "Yeah. Uh-huh. That sucks." Sorry for my French, but I'm starting to get really fucking pissed. But I'm lucky if she's even home. She's constantly off, getting drunk with her friends, going to gay bars and shit. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it wasn't five days out of seven. She doesn't even come back to sleep. Our house is fine. Not like it's infested with rats or whatever. But I'm starting to hate it when she comes back because after a bit, she'll leave again and I'll miss her again. I'm tired of it. It's a vicious cycle that shown no sign of stopping. She leaves, I'm alone, she comes back, I ask her for help, she doesn't give a shit, she leaves again. We haven't legitimately had a conversation in weeks. She's becoming a stranger to me now.
Swearing is fine in these situations, in my opinion. Life is fucked. I wish my parents had actually shown love to me like you probably do. I wish there could be a way to make them see what they have been doing is wrong... Also, I am just resentful. I loathe and detest the sound of my mother's voice, but I also crave it. I make no sense. I am a weak person. You are strong, I hope? The only thing we can do is stay strong and find supportive people in these situations. Life is so fucked.
im so sorry that you've had to go through this! you deserve someone who wants to listen to you. i cant imagine hving a child and treating it's not precious. you're worth more than anything in the world
Similar situation here. Except I have 2 parents and both don’t give a shit. “That sucks” “you’re too sensitive” “you have problems” “I don’t know where you went wrong” I hear all this bullshit
My mom married an alcoholic who constantly yelled at me and gave me "lectures" for not cleaning the house correctly. I was terrified of him day in and day out. My mom never really hugged me or talked to me about life. Her punk rock band and partying till 3am was more important to her than her kids. She never went to any of my performances because her punk rock band evidently always had rehearsal those nights. I lacked health insurance and she cited "religious beliefs" in order to not pay for vaccinations. If I tried to address any of my concerns she'd scream and cry and run to her husband who'd then come yell at me and give me a "lecture" which usually lasted for 30mins to and hour. I never had enough clothes, toothpaste, or food but you can bet my mom loved to take vacations to California. My parents make over 100K a year but lied on school forms in order to qualify for free lunch. She also constantly accused me of lying to my friends that she was "horible" or whatevee there is more obviously but idk was that neglect/abuse or am I just selfish like she wants me to believe.
From one generation to another...lack of seeing as a separate person.expects to be to gratified by the child...energy taken by struggle.. Yes. Maybe something else..
my father was completely emotionally unavailable to me. he would yell at me till he was hoarse while teaching me to drive, teaching me to play golf when i was 11 as well as blowing me off repeatedly. its only recently he seems to be acting like he wants me as a son, but im in my 20s now and frankly im not interrested in connecting with him.
so glad I came across her site and youtube because i'm doing a APA research paper on child development after neglect and abuse. This is so helpful. The one Im adding is Category 3 parent.
I am autistic. My elder brother is to, but much, much more severely affected. As a small child he would not eat because he was so terrified of choking - he became shockingly thin and his adult teeth didn't develop. He had problems all through his life and my mother's attention was all taken up with him. I gave up trying with her. My Dad meanwhile leaned on me emotionally when I was a child and yet he was always unhappy and I could never change that. Now I feel overpowering attractions to men who are a bit nice at first and then become cold, distant and angry, however hard I try to please. So I have both the family mess ad the autism, which means I can't connect to people. At 54 I am finally fitting all this stuff together. But I have to say I am in a very, very severe depression - partly because the latest cold, distant man who rejected me - never even went out with me - has got with someone else now. I know it would have been sheer hell with him but it won't stop hurting (I assume I'm reliving the childhood thing and that's why it's so powerful a feeling). I am just exhausted. I mean this man has said and done some really nasty things. Why should I care he has someone else? Why can't I just pity his girlfriend? I hate how this has me in thrall. I feel so old and so hopeless. I blame myself. Therapists keep saying I'm too hard on myself. I thought that was just a line. But I think it's true. When will I care about myself enough to not adore cold, distant men - and men who have minor convictions for violence? I am a feminist. How can I feel such deep attraction to men I know have hit women ("in self defence" - well, the judges didn't believe that!) These are just cries of pain. Maybe at least someone like me will read this and feel less alone.
I read this today and felt less alone. I know your comment is a year ago but I wanted to thank you for writing it. Your situation has some close similarities to my own. I wonder if it helps to say to you that the bravest thing we can do is to try to be kind to ourselves when no-one else ever has been.
I'm here with you ladies....no emotional support growing up and marrying a man who is as cold as a dead fish. I'm always looking myself in the mirror and telling myself that I'm important, necessary and accepted. I've also become more involved with the folks in church it's been such a great way to feel less alone! We can't change what we're born into....we can change how we deal with it! I'm a survivor and I won't be put down ever. I'm also 54....it takes time to forgive ourselves for the things we couldn't control.
I had all three types ! My mother was only 17 when she had me and even though I was planned my brother was not and 10 months later my mother had my brother! Needless to say my mother had a hard time with 2 babies so close together. Constantly being left at a babysitters for days I remember crying and wanting my dad to come and rescue me from that horrible place , I never remember being asked if I was okay or what I thought about anything, I experienced sexual abuse from several family members throughout my childhood and telling my babysitter about it in which she told my mother and then so one believing me and as a resulti co continually struggle with low self esteem, confidence and self image issues and not to mention every relationship I've ever had has had horrible outcomes. I've always been extremely sensitive and shy and always felt invisible to everyone . I have two amazing kids now who I tried to give them everything I wanted but never got as a child . They're 22 and 28 and are both emotionally and psychologically very well grounded and secure the thing I always wanted to be so now is my time to heal ! I am finally trying to acquire some of these qualities I've lacked for so long !
Thank you very much for your simple explanation... It touched me. I have been reading a lot already and mostly about narcissistic mums.. I suffered a lot. Now 46 old and struggling to not repeat same issues with my little boys of 5 and 7. I feel your théorie touches more my situation, because not sure if mother really is narcissistic.,, on the spectrum or whatever. Sure is that my mother hated her mother and find her cold. I did not have right to love my grandmother in return who surely was less aggressive with me than my own mother. My dad wasn't up to her but acted more to the mother for me. I am the oldest with 2 younger brothers but they don't struggle like i did. Thank you and i will sure have a look at your website. Ps are narcissistic mothers more common than fathers? Love from wish everyone here the best and strength
I worry about smothering my son, in order to make sure he feels loved. I have been told that I am BPD but I have never had much luck with counseling. Especially because I think counselling in the past added to the damage by having my mother admit before she died that she indeed did not love me as a child before she died of cancer, when I was 16. Anyway, I bought your book today. I am hoping it may give me some help.
This is breakthrough work...but I wonder almost as though its one element (despite the three types of parents being spoken of) of a multidimensional descriptive story possibly? I in no way wish to " talk this concept of CEN down"...it seems as if its like a couple of spokes in the wagon wheel of factors? My jury is way out on this....as I've only just stumbled across this today. If its the MISSING LINK....of the injured parented childhood puzzle that has illuded me for ALL OF THIS TIME TRYING TO HEAL.......Allelujah to it!! I'm.hoping this is the case!!....this work DOESN'T seem brand new though by the sound of when these books were written! Thankyou so much for sharing this on you tube!!! I WILL read your books...I'm very much looking forward to them!!
When my parents got divorced, they did not think of me and my struggles with my disability. I am an adult with a disability and who can not find a job because of discrimination and bullying from employers. My father refused to give me an education and my mother could not pay for education at all. My sisters would take advantage or refuse to help get employment. I have so many limited resources from the government. That I have everything one day by myself which I felt very lonely.
When things actually get even slightly challenging on a social relations level, I'd say, category 1 for both parents. They'd probably like to think they're always category 2. Category 3 is also heavily applicable to both of them.
What a relief your information brings! You have such a kind and gentle voice and it's very calming, however the music is somewhat competing or over riding your important message. As a kid growing up o heightened Alert 24/7 background noises distract from or cover up whether or not someone is speaking as a friend or foe .
Gratified by the child rather than the other way round?? (Blind spot...) thank you. My mum was from all the categories. Struggle which drops the child's needs. Not letting be n grow to be individual. All you say fits n resonates. I got 17/22. This is all true. Generational mother-wound like osmosis. It's clearer by now. My daughter connects with me. I never haD a father either.... thank you for this. It helps in Heaps difficulty seeing me as my own persona ...
I have a combo of all three - self involved (narc) father who thinks child is there to meet his needs and everything child has belongs to him (child's body included) , emotionally neglected (codependent) mother who has a blind spot for my emotions and, when I was around 11 my sister developed special needs (depression, schizophrenia) so I became 'the other child' - the one my parents considered grown up enough to take care of myself and parent myself. Also with time my sister started to abuse me both emotionally and physically to which my parents did not react as my sister had special needs and they thought walking on eggshells around her was the best approach.
I wonder why/how my mom didn't see that she was emotionally neglected. When I had my daughter, I knew I was emotionally neglected because I knew I didn't want her to have to deal with emotional events on her own like I did.
This is so interesting. My mother was the second youngest of nine and if there was ANY attention at all her younger sibling got it. Until five years ago I couldn't have drawn a line between pleasing myself and pleasing my parents. I left an abusive controlling partner when I had an epiphany, ie, that I cared more about appearing to be happy than actually BEing happy. When I realised that and left I began to start thinking things through properly. I am really trying not to tell my daughter how to feel about things. My mother did that ''Donald Winicott'' thing, how are you-you're fine. So I try to ask my kids a question without filling in the answer for them, predictive text style! If they moan, so be it, I let them have a bit of a moan. They just want to be heard. I get that because I never was. My mother tried to mold me in to her vision of a perfect daughter so I never felt I could please her even though I tried. I told her I was a people pleaser a while ago and she told me I was a rebel. I never rebelled for a minute, not til I was about 37! So funny that she sees me as a rebel.
I just encountered your channel. I like the simple and yet rich examples you give in your informative presentations. I have some of questions: Is there a new theory of raising children with detachment?! Or is it an individual approach of some parents? What would you suggest a grandparent do when observing detachment of parent towards a child - my daughter in law towards our young grandchild? Thank you and blessings!
My children are emotionally neglected by their dad. He has NEVER showed them affection verbally or physically. When they were babies he did not bond with them. I would gush over every little thing they did and he would not even notice. All that being said, I know that he was emotionally neglected as a kid by things that he has told me about his childhood. I feel bad for him but I feel worse for the kids. I have left him several times because of his distant behavior toward the kids. They are 8 and 10 years of age, so they notice it. They have even asked me "Mom do you think dad loves us"? I tell them yes but he has a hard time showing it. As a result they come to me for everything and don't even talk to him. And I end up showering them with hugs and kisses and being the pushover mom because I don't want them to think I don't love them. I want to leave so bad but sometimes I think we can work this out but things I say go in one ear and out the other. I try to encourage outings for he and the kids but he never comes through. I truly don't know how to fix this and am tired of being the only one who wants to fix it.
I am so sorry. I hope you can leave if you want. The kids will grow up in a home where there is no loving energy coming from the father, which may or may not be worse than a divorce. No one should have an opinion on that but you, since you and they are the ones suffering. So glad they have you!
And it is NOT on you. Narcissists hide their true selves and present a false self to their partner, so women think they are getting something wonderful and instead wake up with an abuser. In which case it is more than okay to leave.
I feel I have betrayed myself also. I just remembered I went through a traumatic childhood, people shunned me because I had a disability. I felt undermined and taken advantage of and my parents weren't there to support me, they were too busy sorting out their own lives. I feel so angry with myself and others. I feel things have really picked up pace. my mum always plays sad tunes on the piano and my dad is always doing his cross words.
I too have a mild disability and I think it is hardest for us because people don’t want us to display normal emotions and adults probably won’t help you through puberty in the same way as if you were the Captain of the football team or the head cheerleader. I basically had to raise myself emotionally. No one cared if I had a crush on anyone because it made them too uncomfortable. And no one thought to help me love myself, champion myself, and be the kind of popular kid who gets tons of friends and dates to the prom. I was clueless.
society failed my single mother. Not enough money . A full day caring for other people's kids as low paid daycare worket then coming home exhausted Proximal abandonment rather than actual. This caused me to have a hard time as a mother with the wrong spouse . Again looking for love. It takes a village to raise a child. An outside person could be the grind and support kids need ehen parents are overwhelmed. A cousin, neighbor, church friend who can fill in a bit . If we care at all stop blaming parents and blame society. We no lo get have a village . We have a fragmented world where shaking hands is replaced by a text . Hugs instead of drugs is a lost paradigm.
Good insight! I couldn't find the link to the questionnaire .. Also, the music is distracting and it doesn't relate to the subject. Just a feedback .. I learned a lot !!
I would say that my dad is in category 1 because he only thinks about himself before others. My mom is in category 3 because she wants to make sure that I do well, but she has physically hurt me when I was younger. My father never truly tried to invest into my own emotional needs because he thought that it was more important to make it about himself. If it is not about him, he gets snarky and makes rude comments towards other people. He doesn't apologize for what he did wrong and blames me for causing problems. He continues to act like he didn't do anything wrong. I am to the point where I am done with my father. He is a good example of what I don't want to be when I become a dad. I also fear becoming a parent because I worry that I will end up treating my own children badly like my dad did.
As well as my last post....can these three catergories of parenting BE A BLEND of all three to make uo the experience...or would it be possibly closer to two types as opposed to the whole three might you say? Thankyou again!!
Category 3 parents here- only child, they moved across the continent from me. Totally disconnected from me. I live with chronic illnesses & just wish I was dead honestly! But won't kill myself so here I am. Work work work
My father attacked me emotionally, he verbally abused all of us in the family, he used incendiary language and threatened us emotionally. Was he neglectful or an abuser?
very important & interesting subject unfortunately the audio is very low on this video which makes it difficult to understand & the back ground music doesn't help.😩
How does a hoarding mother fit into this? A mother who coddled their child sometimes but neglected them most of the time? She was unhappy and she knew I was too, and she taught me that was normal. I thought she was a victim for most of my life because she had a bad childhood, and I always blamed my dad because he was mean to her. My dad was hurting too, but I couldn't see it because he was mean to my mother and that was all that I saw. I didn't see that he worked hard and came home to a disgusting house that my mother didn't even try to clean. (that she actively kept anyone else from cleaning because she was a hoarder) I wasn't close to my dad but now that he's gone I remember that he was the one who tried to keep our family together and it was my selfish mother who cared more about garbage than her own kids. I feel like I don't fit into any one category.
Im 31 and it took me several years of self work to get myself on track. I agree with many physical abuse to me seemed it would have been easier and for many years I would self harm to manage the emotional pain. I have a son and 1 on the way and I feel like I have broken the cycle my son and I have an amazing loving relationship. The only thing I still have issues with is ptsd like symptoms when dealing with aggressive people who get mad easily and start slamming things around I get very nervous and stressed out wanting to either fight or flight to get away from the behavior. Its a life time work and progress. The cycle can be broken.
I feel I am in the dark, I feel so out of touch with who I am. I don't have any emotions anymore. I have been taken advantage of where I was supposed to be given support. I think my parents have forgotten who they are too because of pain and suffering. I remember it all changed when I was 10 years old and we were stuck in poverty. I am supposed to be an adult now. to survive I was gaming like mad, I feel like I am way past my time. I feel like I am 40 years old but I think that is down purely to not remembering who I was. I think I am starring to recover.
I feel like a parent can be all of these. Coping with your own shitty upbringing doesn't absolve you of responsibility in raising your own kids nor makes your actions any less selfish.
My mom had to take care of her sick mother at a very young age, so she had to be the strong one, she couldn't show her emotional suffering when my grandmother was suffering
hi Jonice, im 45 and I totally connect with this concept to the point that just naming it seems to be an act of self love. Im also frustrated that I cant get the words out fast enough to tell you or anyone my story. I have a six year old son whom I am determined to champion a number of malaise for, and just having this concept recognised, validates my emotions.An effective solution?! Self love? I said yes to all 22 questions in your questionaire. Really resonating, so where to from here? im gonna call him.. Im his primary carer, and he goes to his mum every holidays.(he's with them now).. his mum is emotionally neglectful because her mum was.. same on my side.. I worked this out a long time ago but its still huge in my life. right now ive been alone in this remote valley for two weeks.. I slowly am being nice to myself by stopping addictions,nicotine and coffee, and starting yoga again and just being loving towards myself, but more than ever there are no significant others in my life, in fact there are literally no others at all.. I learnt at an early age that people hurt, so I took company with animals.. If I could have anything, it would be for me to get through my psychological baggage and become a more effective parent and human being for myself and my son. I felt unwanted all my life by my mom. her version was as an oldest child, she was the wrong gender to take over the farm. She gave that to me by making me feel that being a male is simply a criminal offence. She used to beat me screaming "you *&^^*ing males and your violent tempers!" So instead of empathising with how I was feeling, she would either "victim" out, or "tyrant" up.. To avoid emotional authenticity at any cost. I was the man of the house and the whipping boy for her. her hatred for the male species is pathological in the sense that she is unaware of her own issues, and completely unaware of mine... I can see my stuff.. I can see how its owning me.. I understand the implications of harbouring such malaise can have on my son and my life.. How can I transcend this? Ive tried forgiveness, Im living out physical isolation.. Im the prodigal son who cannot return.. My son is learning that his mom doesnt see his needs as being important, she has her own issues..And my alarm bells are going off because my boy is already showing signs of empathy for his attackers etc.." oh he didnt mean it", at school etc.. A directive? theres so much to do...
Ive had enough, I won't do what they tell me anymore. they caused me to forget who I was. I feel so detached from who I am. i'm serious. I remember going to cub scouts. I think because I feel angry and because I have depression I see things worse than they actually are.
My mom leaves my baby sister and she cries and cries for her when she leaves my sister would run outside and cry at the car door and she locks it and drives away: and when my mom comes back my baby sister is so happy to see her and she doesn’t barely acknowledge her.
life is so unfair... why do people with handicaps lead poorer less happier lives.. while other walk free of pain..its not their fault... no wander they feel so angry because the blame is put directly on them and not on external factors. instead the person is made to account for a weakness that was not their fault and was out of their control...its almost like god wanted to curse people... to make good people feel miserable... its like all the blame is put on someone for something that isnt their fault..
Share your thoughts, yes, but most important ladies and gentleman, SPREAD THE WORD. Inform others. Raise awareness. Tell your story. Help to make CED a household term. Unfortunately, it's probably too late for me. I probably don't have much time left.
My parents were from all of these categories .i should write along your words to get it right. Correct that which needs to be corrected. You are correct.
WHEN You Have Been Emotionally Neglected,You Have Tp Realize Yourself And Get Thearpy Or Some. Type Of Counseling...Most Parents That. Are Neglectful Do To You What Was Done To Them...
Category 1 and 2 My farther work 2jobs 80s hours a week as a security Guard. He abused my mother and did not teach us about the Bible, nor did he have faith in the creator he always disrespected my mother and my grandmother. He married my mother at the age of 20 years old and divorced my mother in the end,putting her on a plane with her two bags....and kept us with him,. He did not show love and compation ,which would explain why when I got older I put him the hospital. As a child I was always silent, always but now as an adult he has to hear how I feel before he dies..Unlike him I am single with no children or wife to take care of..just myself. The relationship that I have with him is very sad and bitter. I want Justice for my childhood, let JEHOVAH be the Judge.
You might add another category, divorce a single mother that had to go out and work. I had an old lady that was a babysitter that didn’t wanna be bothered interacting with a young child, and I think I was neglected that whole time growing up, in those formative years when your developing your personality. I think I’ve read that your personality has developed by the time you’re six or seven years old.
I'm not sure if it's exclusively a "blind spot" and additionally a state of emotional underdevelopment where they are missing the "building blocks" from which to pool from.
I’m Done blaming myself. ! “It’s all their fault!! 100%!!!! “!!!
It feels good to finally say that.
Yes I tried to kindle with my mom but I'm tired of being the bigger person
I did that too, but does that make life easier?
@@MrLetnum yes Linnon, it does. Even if it feels like a loop, gradually, the blame stops, self dignity is regained, and life actually changes, anger might persists but anger is a key emotion that was not tolerated at childhood, so it's okay to have anger, in fact, I am using this shit load of anger to direct myself in ways. I find it the most dangerous thing with Neglect, is making excuses for parents, such as the video explains, this is closely tied to feeling self-blame for being ungrateful to the parents. So, Anger feeds self-blame and vice versa.
Remember three things:
1) Understanding is different because it's for you, and not for the person who committed the neglect. So, if your parents are still alive, don't bother making them understand, but instead, make yourself understand. It's the only way to have a chance of breaking the cycle of anger and self-blame
2) neglect is very subtle and is not less sever than abuse itself. I am sure, people once said, at least your parents didn't beat you!!! which is very funny and only reinforces self-blame.
3) forgiveness is totally optional in this case, I personally prefer not to forgive, many therapists told me that I have to forgive in order to move on, but I don't buy that. I prefer to be unforgiving to people who wronged me. Do that and you will be amazed by the results in your life, especially the self-image and relationship with others.
I gave up after trying for decades to make it work with my mother. She was a Narcissist who neglected her child and ruined my love and life. I tried and tried and tried with NO success all she would do is point her finger at me and never look in the mirror. It was the beast thing to say NO MORE and walk away and never see her again and she died 10 yrs later. Unfortunate but I’m glad she’s gone it’s the only thing that gave me relief from not tryin FB anymore. But, it’s VERY clear what she did and she should have NEVER had children.
Oh Jonice! 🥺 One day my mom just turned away from me and walked down the street until I couldn’t see her anymore. I never saw her again. She’s still alive. She just doesn’t want to see me even though I was a really good boy. I FINALLY know what was wrong her and what’s been so painfully wrong with me. And why being a good dad (which I am) to my daughter has been so fucking hard. 😖😭
You just saved my life and helped me to ensure that my daughter has no ECN.
Oh dear sweet Jonice! I’ve desperately needed to hear this since I was a little boy. If I ever get the chance to thank you in person, I hope you won’t mind that little boy, who has been secretly hurting for over 40 years, inside me give you a very loving hug.
Love,
Zachary❤️❤️❤️
It's nice to hear that you know you are a good dad to your daughter. Your knowledge and intuition has guided you well. ❤
I would probably rather be physically neglected than emotionally. People always feel so bad for people who have been neglected (normal neglect) as children, but nobody ever talks about emotional neglect. I honestly don't really know who I am anymore. I don't have an opinion at all because my parents make every decision themselves.
it will take alot of time soul searching, don't lose yourself tho
You can make a change... start reading lots of books to get your mind off of their manipulation! You can be a healthy adult you just have to stay true to yourself!
I often wish my Dad and mom would have just hit me. It would have been confusing but I might be a whole person today.
Our parents' ego needs have preempted our needs before we were born. The fact is that we were treated like an appendage of theirs. Like an arm or a leg that has a function only to serve the body, but not an identity in itself. That's soul murder. The sad thing is that they may never understand this, or see it this way. We have to move on by ourselves, and give to ourselves what was never given to us from the beginning.
I am out of touch with myself. I feel like it's all their fault and I feel annoyed because I had to suppress my own emotions in order to get through school. my parents are in the wrong for being emotionally neglectful.
i feel the same, my parents are category 3 parents.
I have looked to so many diagnoses. I've read the DSM. I'm not kidding. I've actually read it. And there is a lot in there. It's actually great for descriptions of clusters of behaviors, and that sort of thing, but nothing gave me an explanation for how or why I felt the way I do. Some things came close: dissociative states, ADHD, Depression, Narcissism, schizoid personality, etc. Many of these have part of the picture for me, but I'm don't feel they quite fit. CEN fits like a glove. It describes how I grew up, how I feel, how I relate to the world, and to myself. You're not alone Man.
@@chadisan what's CEN? I had a pretty rough childhood, truth be told it I endured a true disaster.. the person I was, the person I could have been. It was horrible.. And the finger points towards them failing me as parents.. not just them but at the school teachers as well.. I was failed pretty badly. And now I have to deal with that grief and pain and agony/torture/regret of such heavy loss.. my parents tell me stop thinking about the past.. truth is my past was EVERYTHING. everything I was, could have been and SHOULD have been. I just want a person to ACTUALLY understand what I mean for onceeee.. I feel completely alone in this... This shitstorm of a trauma.. for now I feel a void in myself, a void that may never be fully replaced... Chronic emptiness.. I honestly feel like I'm going insane, noone understands trauma or the nature of it... I feel theres contingency or difference between what people think and what ACTUALLY WAS or once was the truth.. it was more than a trauma, it was my everything..
Hello ,what are you doing now in college or what i strongly suggest *Katty morgen video on childhood emotional neglecte* and suggest you also ,benefit this by follow it unconditional i
Love from Haryana ❤️
@@tommychappell6359 Hii ! Bro don't worry see 😎😎😀 video Katty morgen on childhood emotional neglected and just follow it unknowingly..🙏.you will see a huge huge to huge change in yr emotional life 👍👍with the join telegram of self love+ emotional health helps to heal
so much I have the same problem just with you for 2 year but now i am already a psychiatrist.....to only a things is to keep in mind I think that I am the most important person for me and all my God and in front of mirror asay
1.i love you-2
2.,i accept with all my wishes and i am the only one who fight 4 you dear and i am gona to do any dam ,for being me satisfied,lovable at my all lovelfill and
And many extra butore practca ltips she gives you and follow it blindly she is the only girl for my new born at 2 years ago I change myself completely by these above quotations and
I follow her all tips and I am hair in front of you it notes our fault but it's a fault of those people who now it's our time to revenge from those circumstances and people and ❤️❤️👍 and just ready and try it now now at night time 7:55 pm.. I am cope up with completely and with flowers just as yr future is seen to me 👍👍👍 so futurre happy wisher tommy are u ready...to vhange dear bro🎉🎉🎉😎😀👍
And really find happpy toeet like me and a futire one to just be having so like me a successful, happy & all wishes are at yr foot so go ahead....free to ask any query future Tommy...❤️👍my bro..
I think I have a mixture of all three. My parents loved me and they did their best with "providing", but we never had much money so life was always a huge struggle. We had struggles with illnesses too. They were always angry, always fighting, my mum was hysterical, hypercritical and controlling, so I naturally suppressed my emotions. When you're around someone overbearing you tend to forget how you feel and just want to placate them and obey. So she was selfish in that she didn't see how I might be feeling, her feelings always came first. It didn't occur to me to express myself to her. Even when I was being bullied it didn't occur to me to tell my parents because I didn't think they would be on my side. I also think my mum grew up with a blind spot, like she "did everything she could" but the emotional side of things just didn't occur to her or something.
I was emotionally neglected. Now I try not to be like that with my kids. My parents were emotionally neglected as children so it's all they knew. I don't find relating emotionally to my children easy as it does not come naturally so I have to make a real effort.
When we connect with our childhood self that we remember it's easier to connect with children I find.
I was able to give my daughter a strong sense of her own self. I was determined from before she was born, that she would not be neglected. But I erred in my explosive anger. I had a difficult time with her mother's way of handling conflict. She puts up a silent wall, while I come from an explosive family. We were like oil and water. But I know that my daughter does not have the same issues with cut-off. The chain of neglect is broken. Still working on trust.
@Sarah J that's true, I couldn't think for myself so that's why I needed help to do this and change my behaviour. CEN children have been been neglected many times a day for years in very subtle and unnoticeable ways, causing many emotional and mental problems as a result. It's very complicated. When I had children I vowed I'd not be like my mother and that certainly did help. But I needed to learn how to be an attentive mother and break the chain, by learning how to pay attention to myself first, and then pass that on to them. You can't give out what you've never been given.
I think a common trait of people, who experienced neglectful childhoods, is that we were conceived out of "duty" rather than "love."
My parents are wonderful people, but I fear they should have never conceived me because they were too busy taking care of others and did not realize they left their own child at the bottom of their "energetic" queue. E.g. my dad was a wonderful teacher, who made the lives of a lot of his students much better, yet he never taught me a single thing and he was just too exhausted by the time he got home (and I was often in bed by then). My parents mistook my "independent," "serious" and "quiet" nature as a sign that they had done a good job, when in reality I was just completely traumatized and stunned that I had to bury all my feelings just to survive in a world I perceived as hostile and uncaring.
So I repeated the cycle by marrying a wonderful woman, who spent her entire energy helping others, she again misunderstood my "supportive" and "low maintenance" nature as a sign the relationship was strong. Yet when I fell deadly ill and I required her to prioritize my need for support over the needs of her friends and family, I did not know how to properly express it and it came as a shock to her and ran away.
This sounds painful. It would hurt to not be cared for when you were terribly ill and having someone respomd by leaving. I'm sorry that happened.
It's incredible after 49 years to hear someone else tell me about me.
I have only recently learned that many of my current issues can be traced back to my traumatic childhood. In the sixties my dad divorced my mom and moved out of state to be with his new wife. He left her with three kids aged 5, 3, and 1. My father had gotten my mom pregnant in high school and they had to get married shortly after graduation and had my older brother, then me, then my baby brother. After he left, my mother moved to a different town to find a good enough paying job so she could support us. I think it was also the shame people loaded on her that drove her to start over somewhere new. She worked the night shift and had to pay a babysitter to stay with us. It is no wonder she was not emotionally available, I think she was just in survivor mode and she did not know how to give herself love, let alone us kids. She was always sad and tired. Then as my older brother grew up he had a rage problem and he started punching me. I protected my little brother as much as I could. Because my mom was so tuned out to what was really going on, she didn't realize the abuse was happening. If I told on him, she just chalked it up to siblings fighting. The end result is that I latched onto the first man that came along and got married at 18. My older brother went on to beat other women and eventually broke his neck in an accident and spent 30 years in a wheelchair. My younger brother also has rage issues and other emotional problems. What helped me the most was raising my own kids. I was determined to give them a great childhood and I did sacrifice myself for them for fifteen years until I became strong enough to reach for happiness for myself. Once I left that stifling marriage I got 2 degrees in five years and I like to think I showed my kids how to stand up for yourself and create your own happiness. I am still working on giving myself the love I never got as a child. It's never too late!
It feels like my mom never listened to me as a kid. She definitely doesn’t now. I try and tell her about things that I’m interested in, but I can tell she’s not paying attention. She often has to ask me about parts of my life I’ve already talk to her about multiple times, like the names of friends or classes I’m taking. I fear that it predisposes me to care less about other people because my mom has never payed my interests much mind. It also makes me less likely to speak up in conversations and so my peers often straight up don’t hear what I’m saying or don’t pay attention. Socially, I feel like I’ve never had much confidence or know-how specifically because of my mom. I hate how socially inept I am. But hey, it makes English my best subject because I’ve always put a lot of effort into being understood in a format where people have no choice but to listen to my thoughts and opinions
I find the volume on this video to be very low. It's hard to hear even with my computer's volume turned way up.
chocoboasylumwirwir
Use the captions maybe that will help
Agreed
Also really hard to focus on your words when Pacabels Canon is playing in background. No music please. Many of your audience are probably HSPs.
Well presented.
but, the music is very distracting
[and slightly corny, annoying]
it would be better to have no music,
or maybe ambient, minimalistic soundscape
that is hardly noticeable.
it might be me, or an English thing?
many , including my classical guitar mentor,
refer to it as ' musac',
which is derogatory/elevator music.
best wishes.
2:12 thank you sooo much for saying this! Every time the subject of my neglectful/abusive parents comes up when speaking with someone they ALWAYS make excuses for them, even they don't know my parents and have never met them. It is so frustrating.
I went on a walk about for a few years when I graduated from high school.I was COMPLETELY neglected and abused by all the adults in my life,except for my grandpa.Anyways,people suck.A world full of narcisitic sociopaths/psychopaths.Anytime I have ever wanted to see who a person really is all I have to do is trust them with something.It matters not.It can be a word or a trinket.One thing is for sure is that if I dont extend any trust or confide in anyone I will never be disappointed.
@@silversnow3186 my life is not my own. Never will be. We are made to be symbiotic. What you suggest is from the narrative of sociopaths.
@@silversnow3186 my sincerest apologies Silver Snow. I got your response mixed up with someone else's. I was under attack this evening by a sociopath. Thank you for your very kind words. I have sought counceling to no avail. I have gone to 3 or 4 now. And they were just terrible experiences. One of them tried to sleep with me! I just couldn't believe it! Which darkened my view of psychotherapist's to say the least. One just wanted to put me on antidepressants to increase her big pharma kickbacks. And the other wasn't interested in treating anyone who wasn't either a woman or a homosexual. So I was disqualified on both accounts. It has been a long and bumpy road. But I am not alone. Some of the best,kindest,empathetic people to ever walk this planet have come from the harshest of beginnings. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is really true. Some people confuse strength with insensitivity. But real strength comes from finally facing your past and coming to the realization that you were actually under attack by the ignorance and pain of others. That the grand majority of people project onto the people around them that which they have been victims of. The strength to forgive. The strength to understand that we are not what happens to us. Thank you and peace be with you.
My parents are a combo of all three types. My father was a depressed, schizophrenic alcoholic and was emotionally unavailable. Basically my moms 4th child. My mom told me that she wanted to abort me but decided not to because my father was heavily drinking at the time and was accusing her of sleeping around and she wanted to prove that I was indeed his. When I was about 4-5 years old I was sent away to live with my grandparents (her parents) in Poland for 10 months. Before I was sent away I remember being at a grocery store with my mom and I think I was being bratty. She told me that she can't wait to be rid of me so that she may have some peace. I later found out in my 20s that her father molested her and her sisters when they were little. This really angered me because why would she send me to live with someone who may potentially be a child predator? He never did anything to me though. I remember trying hard not to be a pain in the butt to my grandma because I was afraid she would send me away as well. I have always felt out of place and lonely in the world and never really knew why. I just turned 40 and for some reason I can't stop thinking about how I and my siblings have been treated by my parents. My brother, who is a year older than myself just recently moved out of my basement and into my parents house and my sister, who was more of a mother to me than anyone, basically lives in poverty. She's about 9 years older than me. I remember her being verbally abused by both my parents. Anyway, I need to stop, lol. Can't wait to get a hold of your book.
Janice S - "I have always felt out of place and lonely in the world and I never knew why".... yep me too! I totally get it. I thought I had autism or something because it's hard for me to connect with people emotionally. My older sisters were more of a mother to me then my own mother but then they all left by the time I was nine years old and I was left alone until I was 17 and moved out of the house a week after I graduated high school. My parents went to work when I got home from school so I had been staying home alone while they were at work since I was 9.
I feel you, my mom is a schizophrenic alcoholic as well. Its very hard
Sometimes I remember things with a pain so deep it hardly becomes to me. Growing up, I had a sense that I might be pretty smart and I was sensitive, but I was never told I was anything. My parents and grandparents hod zero understanding of who I was or what I needed. I wasn't anything. I loved playing music, but I was never encouraged, so I didn't dare pursue it academically, because I didn't think I was good enough and I knew I would fail. No one ever said, "It's ok for you to fail. At least try. Give it a shot." So the rest of my life has been letting things happen passively, taking the roads of least resistance, because I've been crippled by inability to understand my own basic needs. My wife and I split after 20 years because I just couldn't get it. I always wanted to work on the marriage and we tried, but I have too many holes to meet her needs. I'm afraid to date again, because I think I'll probably come up short and disappoint. Oh well.
Mum struggled , I was to gratify her. I was unseen at home for becoming seen as my persona. What happens from outside of myself ,without clear distinction, is hard to take control of. Plus that which is not inside us bears no meaning, as time goes by. I agree with you💕Thanks
At first , Mum was capable of bringing me to an open place where I was equal n normal . In the eyes of other ppl outside our family . Mum had a mother wound.💜Thanks .
My birth parents fall into category one and two. I was an unwanted child to young teen parents who hated children. My birth father had zero patience with kids and would take his frustrations out onto me. He was completely focussed on him and his life. My birth mother felt deeply trapped being a parent and there was chronic abandonment.......... myself, been working on myself for twenty years to be the parent I never had.
Dear Innerdepths, it sounds like you endured abuse as a child, in addition to CEN. I'm very impressed that you've been working on yourself to be a better parent that you had yourself. You are one of the people who is ending the cycle. That is true heroism, in my opinion. All my best to you.
5 minutes of pure gold. Thank you so much you have clarified so many long held questions. 🙏🏼🤗🧙🏼♀️
It is a massive self realisation moment when you start to look into psychological effects of narcissistic abuse ✌️🙏time to be strong and sure
phenomenal read , simply "Brilliant"my mum came from the philosophy of "children should be seen, and not heard"..... and I often felt "sorry" for her~I knew something was seriously a rye as early as age 13 , my dad the antithesis, of mother, I'm blessed to have studied post grad work in the field of counseling +education,and I am grateful for "a name and a concise, path to follow for myself and sharing with colleagues and clients"
Thanking you kindly,
why are people cursed? and then blamed for the curse? thats more enfuriating that anything, the fact that we are misunderstood and made to feel bad because of somethings thats out of our control
I always knew they neglected me emotionally. I never realized it's at the core of my adult problems.
In my situation, this started as an adult around the age of 31 or so. My parents just started to not give any empathy, sympathy or even acknowledgement when I went through a hardship, really tough time or bad news of no fault of my own. (When they used to when I was younger). I remember going though a really rough time and hearing my Dad say to my Mom: "Just don't say anything!" as in, don't react" which is turn has caused whatever I had been through to be twice as bad since there wasn't even any support. They "shut down" or ignore me. My problem is not blaming myself - which I only did briefly; my problem is all my guilt associated with being So Upset and angry at them for the past 7 years or so because of the way it's become. :-(
CeeStyleDj: Thank you for sharing this. I, too, experienced negative treatment from my mom as I aged. It really confused me because it didn't fit with our relationship when I was a kid. I have come to suspect that i just didn't realize something was off when I was a kid because how could I know without the maturity of living. Also, maybe there were reasons she was okay when I was younger: my dad's influence on her; fear of what others would think; she could control little kids; she saw me as an investment in her future, etc. Whatever reason explains why she provided the basics for me as a child, I have no idea why she rejected me as an adult. Was she just tired of feeling obligated?
As a child she never hugged me, asked about my day, played with me, smiled at me, taught me anything, etc. I am grateful that she fed me, got me to school and doctors, but I really would have liked to see love in her eyes.
Yours is the first comment that I have found about this child/adult dichotomy parent. I think we are in a very strange position because this is unknown territory for therapists. There is little to explain to us what happened to us. For me, this dichotomy has produced a very confused life filled with guilt that I am the problem.
Sometimes I think she just believed she did her job and no longer feels obligated. She wants me to go away. To me this means she never wanted me in the first place. I never gave her any joy. I relate to everyone this way now. I think no one wants me around.
@@nancybartley4610 it's almost exactly the same for me except the roles are reversed. Your mom is my dad and your dad is my mom in my case. Yes, I spoke to a therapist about it in detail and his response was almost like " well you just have to try to not let it bother you and do your own thing ". And this is coming from a guy who has been a therapist for over 18 years. He's a great guy and he did give me good practical advice for other things but when it comes to this, it's like he doesn't really know what to say. I'm so sorry you went through such a similar thing. I just went through another personal experience regarding my parents just a few minutes ago. It's unfortunate because it's affected my body too. I have all these physical symptoms because of it that I'm trying to heal from. Therapist called somatic. I call it physiological due to trauma. You just have to be resolute in your healing. It's crazy that I typed this five years ago and I'm still going through the same thing now. Some things have gotten worse, some things have gotten better. What has gotten better is I started to no longer dwell so much in terms of thinking: "so bad" " oh my God, I can't believe this" "I can't believe I went through why were they doing it that way?" Now, I just think in terms of trying to heal my mind and body through meditation and realizing that my parents didn't or don't have the tools to be able to express themselves in a more healthy emotional way. And it probably has to do with their parents and how they were brought up. You have to be calm, yet firm in your healing. You have to sort of self soothe yourself while realizing that they did what they could with the tools they had and maybe something in their mind was bothering them personally. I try to do breathing exercises, stay calm, and keep trying to heal my body and mind. I've been trying to get my physical body a lot healthier because I know that helps. What more can a therapist really say besides what I mentioned? I guess not much. I guess it's just realizing that it was a different time for them, and they just didn't have the tools at their disposal that we are so fortunate enough to have today to be able to find ways to effectively communicate or Express the correct emotions. and then take the pain of our personal past, and personally tried to heal ourselves through self-care, meditation, and realizing that we are going to get better in spite of what happens. Don't get me wrong, it's still extremely tough at times but it's getting a little bit better. Just focus on healing your body and mind and not so much dwelling on how bad it was. Because we both realize that it got pretty bad at multiple times. Just keep those positive vibes going and have good intent.
After reading your article and studying into this I finally discovered that I've suffered from emotional neglect through my entire childhood and not even seen it.
I'm 21 and still live with and depend on my neglectful parents. How do I raise this issue without causing huge emotional breakdowns or putting lives at risk?
My mother is emotionally unstable, constantly in pain and suffered from depression, and my father is rarely home and when he is he either goes out or watches TV. I know my mother is lonely because of this, but I have suffered the worst of it.
Sorry about the wall of text.
Yes, that does sound like severe CEN. The good news is that you do not have to involve your parents in your healing. I recommend that you read Running on Empty, and also find a therapist who will be willing to work through the book with you. See my blog on my website for advice on how to go about finding the right therapist. I wish you all the best!
I'm dealing with the same thing
Breaking the cycle is very difficult because the family can’t deal with the truth of the matter.
This is a great video that I never expected.
That is so true. It's the gift that keeps on giving, or taking. there were eight of us and we were all emotionally neglected. Mom was always pregnant with another baby and our father beat us a lot eventually succumbed To His World War II injuries.
She was legally blind so we never held any of it against her. When she died recently at 90 it cut us all to the Core. We loved her.. I guess having World War II parents wasn't any easier for them than it was for us. we're all over 50 now, but we took care of her in her old age like she was one of our own little babies. No animosity.
It is however a struggle or was to be emotionally available to our own kids because we didn't know how but we fought valiantly not to continue the streak. So far so good.
HSP & CEN Guy (58) here. Good video Jonice! My older sister and I were raised by our m/c english father after their divorce (my age 4); mom was not emotionally or domestically capable of caring for us. So dad was category #2 (struggling with divorce/loss and farming) and possibly a little bit of #3 from his childhood? Zero abuse; just a lack of training and guidance re the facts of life. But everywhere we went dad fed, clothed and academically supported us. Who do I miss after a somewhat difficult childhood? Dad...
I think I have emotionally neglectful parents, what should I do? I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I keep trying to remember who I was but I find it hard to concentrate or have strong memory because of my depression, then I feel frustrated. I feel like somehow they are using me. I doubt my parents even know who they are anymore. my parents always have unhealthy relationships between themselves and others of the outside world. I am kind of beginning to remember where things went wrong but it will take some time. I feel like I am becoming a narcissist and I am faking who I am so I cam be accepted or don't feel pain etc. I know something is amiss here. they arent as emotionally supportive as they used to be. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore :-(
I'm feeling the same way
Tommy Chappell I feel the exact same
Jessica Halfpenny i found out that my dad is a gambler, thats why my family has been thrown into chaos... my mum is strict and overly cares about herself at the expense of others... she always argues all the time with my dad and family and doesnt see the effects on the family... i dont know though... cause at times she is caring but shes also bossy, very bossy.. and she cam be quite sarcastic and rude. my dad also says things that can be rude at times and a bit insensitive. i mean they mean well half the time but other times they are overly caught up in their problems. they are very withdrawn and keep themselves to themselves... they are nariccists, very selfish. but to me its normal cause thats what i grew up with...
I also recently figured out my parents have been neglectful. First through Jonice Webb, and then later found some interesting articles that talk about emotional neglect and complex ptsd.
I ended up searching for explanations for my situation after having a nervous breakdown because of work and going on sick leave. I've self diagnosed myself with manic depression, borderline personality and others, but only after finding the term emotional neglect have pieces started to fall in place.
You mentioned you no longer know who you are. This is my problem now as well. I've finally realized that my behavior, reactions to other people's presence, and even opinions are not my own, but are in fact automatic and robotic. I don't know who I am, what I want, and what my future plans are. I guess this has been the case all the time, but it's hard to figure out if you never really stop to think about it.
Have been on sick leave for over a month now, and have a few weeks left. Honestly speaking I'm terrified. I know it should be ok for me to rest, but it just feels like wasting time. My head feels like a beehive, and I'm tired all the time. I'm also getting skinnier. As a 28 year old, I guess I'm still young and I have lots of time to make my life better. But right now it seems like such a burden. It's like growing up without parents and then suddenly asked to parent yourself. It's too much.
I did start therapy though. A little worried about paying for it though, as it's expensive as hell. But if all else goes wrong I'll make my parents pay for it. I'm their doing, so they should take some responsibility. At least I've told them, so they know what they've done.
Tommy Chappell agreed. I feel like Im being used aswell.
there is no overcoming to it, you can call it depression or put some other label on it but it doesn't change it, you can even get better at disguising it to yourself but it always comes back it cant be fixed. go ahead and make all the excuses for them you want but the fact is they were adults who knew there was a problem and chose not to do anything to change it. I know exactly when and how it happened but this doesn't change it in anyway, I have tried my entire life to rise above it at six yr old I started trying to fix my mom by making her happy at all cost to myself. the day she told my grandmother in front of me I have never been happy a day in my life my heart went out to her completely and I was destroyed by it, not long after that she told me if I had of been born a boy she wouldn't have had to have any more kids because dad had told her she would have them until she gave him a son I shut down and became a real mother to my baby doll I became my entire families mother at that point and became so used there is nothing left and now even my great empathy and loving compassion toward others has been destroyed I cant quit screaming inside from the loss of it my very soul is in mourning begging God for a cave to live in away from everyone and every sound and every movement and every smell. some people are just to sensitive for the cruelty of this world and all we want is to leave it. I do not think of suicide I just do not want to be here, the damage is done it just is.......Heavenly Father I ask forgiveness for becoming selfish in isolating myself and for not being a stronger person, I cannot overcome, I gave them everything of me I am depleted Dear Jesus only bruises heal remember me because I cant, I have not hardened my heart it is just empty I have given it all away I am a skin sack full of bones.....My own sensitivity is my abuser, I have turned my empathy towards others towards my own self and I am unable to parent or comfort myself or to have compassion on myself
I would still argue that ALL categories of parents should accept some blame. A parent's role is to learn, evolve and become a better parent over time. In fact, if a parent failed to receive something growing up, then that parent is AWARE (or should be aware) and should make the effort to make sure the child receives what he or she did not.
Agreed!!
15 years old over here. I strongly believe that I'm being neglected by my mother at the time that I'm typing this. Maybe it's just the puberty horomones talking, but I'm starting to go from sadness to anger. My mom's single, works one job. I'm going through tons of stuff right now. Mostly emotional stuff, but also some physical stuff too. I'm trying to get help from my *only* parent, but all I get in response is, "Yeah. Uh-huh. That sucks."
Sorry for my French, but I'm starting to get really fucking pissed. But I'm lucky if she's even home. She's constantly off, getting drunk with her friends, going to gay bars and shit. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it wasn't five days out of seven. She doesn't even come back to sleep. Our house is fine. Not like it's infested with rats or whatever. But I'm starting to hate it when she comes back because after a bit, she'll leave again and I'll miss her again. I'm tired of it. It's a vicious cycle that shown no sign of stopping.
She leaves, I'm alone, she comes back, I ask her for help, she doesn't give a shit, she leaves again.
We haven't legitimately had a conversation in weeks. She's becoming a stranger to me now.
Swearing is fine in these situations, in my opinion. Life is fucked. I wish my parents had actually shown love to me like you probably do. I wish there could be a way to make them see what they have been doing is wrong... Also, I am just resentful. I loathe and detest the sound of my mother's voice, but I also crave it. I make no sense. I am a weak person. You are strong, I hope? The only thing we can do is stay strong and find supportive people in these situations. Life is so fucked.
im so sorry that you've had to go through this! you deserve someone who wants to listen to you. i cant imagine hving a child and treating it's not precious. you're worth more than anything in the world
Hey, your comment is 2 years old already. How are you doing now, friend? Anything changed since then for better or worse?
Similar situation here. Except I have 2 parents and both don’t give a shit. “That sucks” “you’re too sensitive” “you have problems” “I don’t know where you went wrong”
I hear all this bullshit
My mom married an alcoholic who constantly yelled at me and gave me "lectures" for not cleaning the house correctly. I was terrified of him day in and day out. My mom never really hugged me or talked to me about life. Her punk rock band and partying till 3am was more important to her than her kids. She never went to any of my performances because her punk rock band evidently always had rehearsal those nights. I lacked health insurance and she cited "religious beliefs" in order to not pay for vaccinations. If I tried to address any of my concerns she'd scream and cry and run to her husband who'd then come yell at me and give me a "lecture" which usually lasted for 30mins to and hour. I never had enough clothes, toothpaste, or food but you can bet my mom loved to take vacations to California. My parents make over 100K a year but lied on school forms in order to qualify for free lunch. She also constantly accused me of lying to my friends that she was "horible" or whatevee there is more obviously but idk was that neglect/abuse or am I just selfish like she wants me to believe.
holy crap that terrible ! you're mother is a narcissist!
This sounds very painful. I'm sorry that happened to you.
From one generation to another...lack of seeing as a separate person.expects to be to gratified by the child...energy taken by struggle.. Yes. Maybe something else..
my father was completely emotionally unavailable to me. he would yell at me till he was hoarse while teaching me to drive, teaching me to play golf when i was 11 as well as blowing me off repeatedly. its only recently he seems to be acting like he wants me as a son, but im in my 20s now and frankly im not interrested in connecting with him.
They are selfish, period. Children are only props for them.
so glad I came across her site and youtube because i'm doing a APA research paper on child development after neglect and abuse. This is so helpful. The one Im adding is Category 3 parent.
I am autistic. My elder brother is to, but much, much more severely affected. As a small child he would not eat because he was so terrified of choking - he became shockingly thin and his adult teeth didn't develop. He had problems all through his life and my mother's attention was all taken up with him. I gave up trying with her. My Dad meanwhile leaned on me emotionally when I was a child and yet he was always unhappy and I could never change that. Now I feel overpowering attractions to men who are a bit nice at first and then become cold, distant and angry, however hard I try to please. So I have both the family mess ad the autism, which means I can't connect to people. At 54 I am finally fitting all this stuff together. But I have to say I am in a very, very severe depression - partly because the latest cold, distant man who rejected me - never even went out with me - has got with someone else now. I know it would have been sheer hell with him but it won't stop hurting (I assume I'm reliving the childhood thing and that's why it's so powerful a feeling). I am just exhausted. I mean this man has said and done some really nasty things. Why should I care he has someone else? Why can't I just pity his girlfriend? I hate how this has me in thrall. I feel so old and so hopeless. I blame myself. Therapists keep saying I'm too hard on myself. I thought that was just a line. But I think it's true. When will I care about myself enough to not adore cold, distant men - and men who have minor convictions for violence? I am a feminist. How can I feel such deep attraction to men I know have hit women ("in self defence" - well, the judges didn't believe that!) These are just cries of pain. Maybe at least someone like me will read this and feel less alone.
I read this today and felt less alone. I know your comment is a year ago but I wanted to thank you for writing it. Your situation has some close similarities to my own. I wonder if it helps to say to you that the bravest thing we can do is to try to be kind to ourselves when no-one else ever has been.
I'm here with you ladies....no emotional support growing up and marrying a man who is as cold as a dead fish. I'm always looking myself in the mirror and telling myself that I'm important, necessary and accepted. I've also become more involved with the folks in church it's been such a great way to feel less alone! We can't change what we're born into....we can change how we deal with it! I'm a survivor and I won't be put down ever. I'm also 54....it takes time to forgive ourselves for the things we couldn't control.
very comfortably said, this is my first step in helping myself.
Keep it up.
Thanks
I had all three types ! My mother was only 17 when she had me and even though I was planned my brother was not and 10 months later my mother had my brother! Needless to say my mother had a hard time with 2 babies so close together. Constantly being left at a babysitters for days I remember crying and wanting my dad to come and rescue me from that horrible place , I never remember being asked if I was okay or what I thought about anything, I experienced sexual abuse from several family members throughout my childhood and telling my babysitter about it in which she told my mother and then so one believing me and as a resulti co continually struggle with low self esteem, confidence and self image issues and not to mention every relationship I've ever had has had horrible outcomes. I've always been extremely sensitive and shy and always felt invisible to everyone . I have two amazing kids now who I tried to give them everything I wanted but never got as a child . They're 22 and 28 and are both emotionally and psychologically very well grounded and secure the thing I always wanted to be so now is my time to heal ! I am finally trying to acquire some of these qualities I've lacked for so long !
Thank you very much for your simple explanation... It touched me. I have been reading a lot already and mostly about narcissistic mums.. I suffered a lot. Now 46 old and struggling to not repeat same issues with my little boys of 5 and 7.
I feel your théorie touches more my situation, because not sure if mother really is narcissistic.,, on the spectrum or whatever. Sure is that my mother hated her mother and find her cold. I did not have right to love my grandmother in return who surely was less aggressive with me than my own mother. My dad wasn't up to her but acted more to the mother for me. I am the oldest with 2 younger brothers but they don't struggle like i did. Thank you and i will sure have a look at your website.
Ps are narcissistic mothers more common than fathers? Love from wish everyone here the best and strength
I worry about smothering my son, in order to make sure he feels loved. I have been told that I am BPD but I have never had much luck with counseling. Especially because I think counselling in the past added to the damage by having my mother admit before she died that she indeed did not love me as a child before she died of cancer, when I was 16. Anyway, I bought your book today. I am hoping it may give me some help.
This is breakthrough work...but I wonder almost as though its one element (despite the three types of parents being spoken of) of a multidimensional descriptive story possibly? I in no way wish to " talk this concept of CEN down"...it seems as if its like a couple of spokes in the wagon wheel of factors? My jury is way out on this....as I've only just stumbled across this today. If its the MISSING LINK....of the injured parented childhood puzzle that has illuded me for ALL OF THIS TIME TRYING TO HEAL.......Allelujah to it!! I'm.hoping this is the case!!....this work DOESN'T seem brand new though by the sound of when these books were written! Thankyou so much for sharing this on you tube!!! I WILL read your books...I'm very much looking forward to them!!
When my parents got divorced, they did not think of me and my struggles with my disability. I am an adult with a disability and who can not find a job because of discrimination and bullying from employers. My father refused to give me an education and my mother could not pay for education at all. My sisters would take advantage or refuse to help get employment. I have so many limited resources from the government. That I have everything one day by myself which I felt very lonely.
When things actually get even slightly challenging on a social relations level, I'd say, category 1 for both parents.
They'd probably like to think they're always category 2.
Category 3 is also heavily applicable to both of them.
What a relief your information brings!
You have such a kind and gentle voice and it's very calming, however the music is somewhat competing or over riding your important message. As a kid growing up o heightened Alert 24/7 background noises distract from or cover up whether or not someone is speaking as a friend or foe .
Gratified by the child rather than the other way round?? (Blind spot...) thank you. My mum was from all the categories. Struggle which drops the child's needs. Not letting be n grow to be individual. All you say fits n resonates. I got 17/22. This is all true. Generational mother-wound like osmosis. It's clearer by now. My daughter connects with me. I never haD a father either.... thank you for this. It helps in Heaps difficulty seeing me as my own persona ...
I have a combo of all three - self involved (narc) father who thinks child is there to meet his needs and everything child has belongs to him (child's body included) , emotionally neglected (codependent) mother who has a blind spot for my emotions and, when I was around 11 my sister developed special needs (depression, schizophrenia) so I became 'the other child' - the one my parents considered grown up enough to take care of myself and parent myself. Also with time my sister started to abuse me both emotionally and physically to which my parents did not react as my sister had special needs and they thought walking on eggshells around her was the best approach.
I wonder why/how my mom didn't see that she was emotionally neglected. When I had my daughter, I knew I was emotionally neglected because I knew I didn't want her to have to deal with emotional events on her own like I did.
Oh yes it is my parents' fault.
Music, if any, should be turned way down. It's distracting as it is!
Great talk though! Make it clearer - less is more...
This is so interesting. My mother was the second youngest of nine and if there was ANY attention at all her younger sibling got it. Until five years ago I couldn't have drawn a line between pleasing myself and pleasing my parents. I left an abusive controlling partner when I had an epiphany, ie, that I cared more about appearing to be happy than actually BEing happy. When I realised that and left I began to start thinking things through properly. I am really trying not to tell my daughter how to feel about things. My mother did that ''Donald Winicott'' thing, how are you-you're fine. So I try to ask my kids a question without filling in the answer for them, predictive text style! If they moan, so be it, I let them have a bit of a moan. They just want to be heard. I get that because I never was. My mother tried to mold me in to her vision of a perfect daughter so I never felt I could please her even though I tried. I told her I was a people pleaser a while ago and she told me I was a rebel. I never rebelled for a minute, not til I was about 37! So funny that she sees me as a rebel.
I just encountered your channel. I like the simple and yet rich examples you give in your informative presentations. I have some of questions: Is there a new theory of raising children with detachment?! Or is it an individual approach of some parents? What would you suggest a grandparent do when observing detachment of parent towards a child - my daughter in law towards our young grandchild? Thank you and blessings!
My children are emotionally neglected by their dad. He has NEVER showed them affection verbally or physically. When they were babies he did not bond with them. I would gush over every little thing they did and he would not even notice. All that being said, I know that he was emotionally neglected as a kid by things that he has told me about his childhood. I feel bad for him but I feel worse for the kids. I have left him several times because of his distant behavior toward the kids. They are 8 and 10 years of age, so they notice it. They have even asked me "Mom do you think dad loves us"? I tell them yes but he has a hard time showing it. As a result they come to me for everything and don't even talk to him. And I end up showering them with hugs and kisses and being the pushover mom because I don't want them to think I don't love them. I want to leave so bad but sometimes I think we can work this out but things I say go in one ear and out the other. I try to encourage outings for he and the kids but he never comes through. I truly don't know how to fix this and am tired of being the only one who wants to fix it.
you picked him, women are more responsible since you have more options. If you pick a bad man it's on you.
I am so sorry. I hope you can leave if you want. The kids will grow up in a home where there is no loving energy coming from the father, which may or may not be worse than a divorce. No one should have an opinion on that but you, since you and they are the ones suffering. So glad they have you!
And it is NOT on you. Narcissists hide their true selves and present a false self to their partner, so women think they are getting something wonderful and instead wake up with an abuser. In which case it is more than okay to leave.
Sounds like category one parents fall somewhere on the Narcissism scale, and may be full blown NPD, BPD, and/ or sociopathic (consciously malevolent).
yup!
I feel I have betrayed myself also. I just remembered I went through a traumatic childhood, people shunned me because I had a disability. I felt undermined and taken advantage of and my parents weren't there to support me, they were too busy sorting out their own lives. I feel so angry with myself and others. I feel things have really picked up pace. my mum always plays sad tunes on the piano and my dad is always doing his cross words.
I too have a mild disability and I think it is hardest for us because people don’t want us to display normal emotions and adults probably won’t help you through puberty in the same way as if you were the Captain of the football team or the head cheerleader. I basically had to raise myself emotionally. No one cared if I had a crush on anyone because it made them too uncomfortable. And no one thought to help me love myself, champion myself, and be the kind of popular kid who gets tons of friends and dates to the prom. I was clueless.
The volume is terribly low in this video. Please have a look into this🙏
society failed my single mother. Not enough money . A full day caring for other people's kids as low paid daycare worket then coming home exhausted Proximal abandonment rather than actual. This caused me to have a hard time as a mother with the wrong spouse . Again looking for love. It takes a village to raise a child. An outside person could be the grind and support kids need ehen parents are overwhelmed. A cousin, neighbor, church friend who can fill in a bit . If we care at all stop blaming parents and blame society. We no lo get have a village . We have a fragmented world where shaking hands is replaced by a text . Hugs instead of drugs is a lost paradigm.
Good insight! I couldn't find the link to the questionnaire .. Also, the music is distracting and it doesn't relate to the subject. Just a feedback .. I learned a lot !!
Thank you for putting everything into words for me.
I would say that my dad is in category 1 because he only thinks about himself before others. My mom is in category 3 because she wants to make sure that I do well, but she has physically hurt me when I was younger. My father never truly tried to invest into my own emotional needs because he thought that it was more important to make it about himself. If it is not about him, he gets snarky and makes rude comments towards other people. He doesn't apologize for what he did wrong and blames me for causing problems. He continues to act like he didn't do anything wrong. I am to the point where I am done with my father. He is a good example of what I don't want to be when I become a dad. I also fear becoming a parent because I worry that I will end up treating my own children badly like my dad did.
As well as my last post....can these three catergories of parenting BE A BLEND of all three to make uo the experience...or would it be possibly closer to two types as opposed to the whole three might you say? Thankyou again!!
Category 3 parents here- only child, they moved across the continent from me. Totally disconnected from me. I live with chronic illnesses & just wish I was dead honestly! But won't kill myself so here I am. Work work work
My father attacked me emotionally, he verbally abused all of us in the family, he used incendiary language and threatened us emotionally. Was he neglectful or an abuser?
When I was six years old my stepmother left me in a doorway with a note saying not wanted....
very important & interesting subject unfortunately the audio is very low on this video which makes it difficult to understand & the back ground music doesn't help.😩
How does a hoarding mother fit into this? A mother who coddled their child sometimes but neglected them most of the time? She was unhappy and she knew I was too, and she taught me that was normal. I thought she was a victim for most of my life because she had a bad childhood, and I always blamed my dad because he was mean to her. My dad was hurting too, but I couldn't see it because he was mean to my mother and that was all that I saw. I didn't see that he worked hard and came home to a disgusting house that my mother didn't even try to clean. (that she actively kept anyone else from cleaning because she was a hoarder) I wasn't close to my dad but now that he's gone I remember that he was the one who tried to keep our family together and it was my selfish mother who cared more about garbage than her own kids. I feel like I don't fit into any one category.
Im 31 and it took me several years of self work to get myself on track. I agree with many physical abuse to me seemed it would have been easier and for many years I would self harm to manage the emotional pain. I have a son and 1 on the way and I feel like I have broken the cycle my son and I have an amazing loving relationship. The only thing I still have issues with is ptsd like symptoms when dealing with aggressive people who get mad easily and start slamming things around I get very nervous and stressed out wanting to either fight or flight to get away from the behavior. Its a life time work and progress. The cycle can be broken.
I feel I am in the dark, I feel so out of touch with who I am. I don't have any emotions anymore. I have been taken advantage of where I was supposed to be given support. I think my parents have forgotten who they are too because of pain and suffering. I remember it all changed when I was 10 years old and we were stuck in poverty. I am supposed to be an adult now. to survive I was gaming like mad, I feel like I am way past my time. I feel like I am 40 years old but I think that is down purely to not remembering who I was. I think I am starring to recover.
Your CEN books are life changing! Thank you! ❤
I feel like a parent can be all of these. Coping with your own shitty upbringing doesn't absolve you of responsibility in raising your own kids nor makes your actions any less selfish.
My mom had to take care of her sick mother at a very young age, so she had to be the strong one, she couldn't show her emotional suffering when my grandmother was suffering
Beautiful video... well, it looks beautiful after a lot of work on myself.
hi Jonice, im 45 and I totally connect with this concept to the point that just naming it seems to be an act of self love. Im also frustrated that I cant get the words out fast enough to tell you or anyone my story. I have a six year old son whom I am determined to champion a number of malaise for, and just having this concept recognised, validates my emotions.An effective solution?! Self love? I said yes to all 22 questions in your questionaire. Really resonating, so where to from here? im gonna call him.. Im his primary carer, and he goes to his mum every holidays.(he's with them now).. his mum is emotionally neglectful because her mum was.. same on my side.. I worked this out a long time ago but its still huge in my life. right now ive been alone in this remote valley for two weeks.. I slowly am being nice to myself by stopping addictions,nicotine and coffee, and starting yoga again and just being loving towards myself, but more than ever there are no significant others in my life, in fact there are literally no others at all.. I learnt at an early age that people hurt, so I took company with animals.. If I could have anything, it would be for me to get through my psychological baggage and become a more effective parent and human being for myself and my son. I felt unwanted all my life by my mom. her version was as an oldest child, she was the wrong gender to take over the farm. She gave that to me by making me feel that being a male is simply a criminal offence. She used to beat me screaming "you *&^^*ing males and your violent tempers!" So instead of empathising with how I was feeling, she would either "victim" out, or "tyrant" up.. To avoid emotional authenticity at any cost. I was the man of the house and the whipping boy for her. her hatred for the male species is pathological in the sense that she is unaware of her own issues, and completely unaware of mine... I can see my stuff.. I can see how its owning me.. I understand the implications of harbouring such malaise can have on my son and my life.. How can I transcend this? Ive tried forgiveness, Im living out physical isolation.. Im the prodigal son who cannot return.. My son is learning that his mom doesnt see his needs as being important, she has her own issues..And my alarm bells are going off because my boy is already showing signs of empathy for his attackers etc.." oh he didnt mean it", at school etc.. A directive? theres so much to do...
oxs
Ive had enough, I won't do what they tell me anymore. they caused me to forget who I was. I feel so detached from who I am. i'm serious. I remember going to cub scouts. I think because I feel angry and because I have depression I see things worse than they actually are.
My mom leaves my baby sister and she cries and cries for her when she leaves my sister would run outside and cry at the car door and she locks it and drives away: and when my mom comes back my baby sister is so happy to see her and she doesn’t barely acknowledge her.
It’s so hard to not fuck up your kids if you had emotionally unavailable parents yourself
can't here you even with my volume turned all the way up
Outwardly, everything looks perfect ...💖❣️
life is so unfair... why do people with handicaps lead poorer less happier lives.. while other walk free of pain..its not their fault... no wander they feel so angry because the blame is put directly on them and not on external factors. instead the person is made to account for a weakness that was not their fault and was out of their control...its almost like god wanted to curse people... to make good people feel miserable... its like all the blame is put on someone for something that isnt their fault..
Share your thoughts, yes, but most important ladies and gentleman, SPREAD THE WORD. Inform others. Raise awareness. Tell your story. Help to make CED a household term. Unfortunately, it's probably too late for me. I probably don't have much time left.
My parents were from all of these categories .i should write along your words to get it right. Correct that which needs to be corrected. You are correct.
WHEN You Have Been Emotionally Neglected,You Have Tp Realize Yourself And Get Thearpy Or Some. Type Of Counseling...Most Parents That. Are Neglectful Do To You What Was Done To Them...
what if your parent falls into all three categories?
the music is distracting
I agree. This a helpful video, yet her voice is hard to hear over the music.
I relate to animals a lot more easily than people who I do not understand
Category 1 and 2
My farther work 2jobs 80s hours a week as a security Guard. He abused my mother and did not teach us about the Bible, nor did he have faith in the creator he always disrespected my mother and my grandmother. He married my mother at the age of 20 years old and divorced my mother in the end,putting her on a plane with her two bags....and kept us with him,. He did not show love and compation ,which would explain why when I got older I put him the hospital. As a child I was always silent, always but now as an adult he has to hear how I feel before he dies..Unlike him I am single with no children or wife to take care of..just myself. The relationship that I have with him is very sad and bitter. I want Justice for my childhood, let JEHOVAH be the Judge.
so hard to hear, the volume is way too low
I'm gonna be quite honest, a lot of people just shouldn't be parents. Children are not experiments.
The best parents are the ones who do not have children, rather they'd adopt an orphan.
Dear dr. We really need. To HEAR you you're Info is valuable to us
Have no thoughts on background music...just turn up your volume👂🏼👂🏼👂🏼
I can't hear you over the music. Why do RUclipsrs do this!??
I found the music relaxic I liked it personally
calamityp : I found the music distracting (and I like Pachelbel's Canon) . . .
My single mom was a full combination of categories 2 and 3.
You might add another category, divorce a single mother that had to go out and work. I had an old lady that was a babysitter that didn’t wanna be bothered interacting with a young child, and I think I was neglected that whole time growing up, in those formative years when your developing your personality. I think I’ve read that your personality has developed by the time you’re six or seven years old.
I'm not sure if it's exclusively a "blind spot" and additionally a state of emotional underdevelopment where they are missing the "building blocks" from which to pool from.
What category were mentally ill parents? My father was NPD and my mother was BPD. I realised at a very early age that I was screwed.
Is the first category the only category of parents who will guilt-trip you?
Can parents fit all three categories? I feel like mine tick two categories each. Mother: 1 & 2 and father: 2 & 3.
Mine were both Category 1 Parents, and their needs felt like a category 5 hurricane.
Thank you