Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
My issue is, I know anger is pointless... People treat you poorly because they don't know how to treat you right.. How can someone give love if they never got it? We also allowed people to treat us poorly.. But now I am working on myself and letting go of toxic thoughts / behaviour.. If I am doing this work, why did my parents not do this work.. I suffered because they took no ownership for their lives... I want to be angry at them, but I understand them.. So that anger sits there.. How do I release it?
Thank you for helping! I cry sometimes watching your videos, knowing how much work there's to do. But I'm determined to live in my worthwhile life and truly show love to myself and others. You're awesome
@@warriorsoftheheart exactly what id like to know, I've had a billion punchbags weights none of that works it's just training me up so I can use my rage more efficiently...
@11:30: “I have never loved or been loved the way I needed to, and it is cutting me to the core. And there is a very primal, foundational place of my being that is so upset that people have not known me. And I struggle to be known.” I’ve needed this “I” statement for 12 years now. Thank you to infinity!
Nick, glad this video resonated for you. Yes, good for you for giving yourself permission and acknowledging your need to be known. Many of us can relate. This is one of the reasons I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I project this primal, immature rage onto my spouse (not an ex). The anger rises when his behaviors make me feel unloved, unseen, unheard… just as I felt as a child. It’s an exhausting cycle and sometimes I feel it might be best to be alone as I’m not having much success healing or managing these triggers. 😢
I can see this cycle can be emotionally challenging. Your share brings up empathy. I hope you can allow in self-gentleness. One day at a time. Thanks for commenting.
@@pedo1127 Yes, I can say I’ve definitely gotten better. I’ve learned to pause and look at these situations as great teaching moments for me to take time to go within and reassure myself. I look at my spouse as my great teacher (instead of my villain) which has been a huge perspective shift. When I feel the rage/trigger, I’ll leave the room (will go outside if able) and put my hand on my heart (it’s calming and soothing), take some deep breaths and tell myself how loved I am by saying “I see you”, “I hear you”, “I love you”, “you are worthy”, etc. I have also explained to him (when not triggered) how his lack of response in these moments triggers me and I’ve coached him on what would help me. He is trying to meet me halfway even though it’s not natural for him since he is more emotionally unavailable. I recognize and appreciate his efforts. The more I exercise this conscious response (instead of letting my little self throw a tantrum), the better I am getting and I’ve noticed I am having fewer instances of rage/anger with him. Also, this is not for everyone but I have incorporated plant medicine in my life (ayahuasca and psilocybin) which have helped me to see and truly feel my childhood trauma which made me feel so unloved and invisible. These sacred medicines have helped me to fill the void through self understanding, self compassion and self love. I hope this info helps in some small way. It’s a journey but I feel it is what we are here for… to heal. Perhaps your spouse is here to trigger and magnify those spaces in you that need healing? Perhaps he/she is your greatest teacher too? All the best on your journey. ❤️
Betrayed by parents, betrayed by partners, betrayed by culture. When we attempt to find a real solution we are buried under layers of shame, guilt and judgement. Finally, some people can dig out from under this and kick that shit to the curb, and emerge as sovereign beings. It can be a long, tricky and confusing process of creation and by slogging through it we become powerful creators. Then we can bust out of an oppressive matrix.
Glad this resonates. Thanks for commenting. If you connect with this content then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I once heard someone describe it a MURDEROUS RAGE. That hit the nail on the head for me. So much pent up anger about my dysfunctional upbringing and so many losses I experienced due to emotionally neglectful and alcoholic parents. It took a long time to allow myself to face the anger and give myself permission to express it. It was so cathartic to finally let the pressure out of the pressure cooker. As a self love coach it was my own journey of being compassionate and kind to myself as all of the pain. Fear and losses came to surface. To anyone who is going through this process, you are not responsible for what was done to you and you never deserved it. Keep pressing forward as the healing is so worth it. You are loved and you are worth it. Thank you so much Alan for your amazing videos. They were a huge catalyst in my healing journey. Sending everyone who watches this much love❤️
@@krish.5823 EMDR is a wonderful and powerful way to connect with and process ..and validate every single emotion linked to childhood pain, rage and fear.. I encourage you to look into this. Take care
I’ve never heard someone articulate this so perfectly. I could never understand what was being stirred when I felt I heard and ignored and unknown. It is a sign of rejection that I had been harboring. There’s so much anger and exhaustion from fighting to be heard and seen
So much empathy to you and to all of us who also felt ignored. Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I searched for, "CPTSD and anger" and found this. I have the same painting in my living room...and, more importantly, I am also seething with anger as I live with CPTSD. So, I am listening. I realized I am angry that my estranged father did not save me from my mother and her husbands. I have so much to work through. It never seems to end. Being me is exhausting.
Start with writing down all your hurts. Writing letters to my family members who hurt me as a child, some of them now dead, was what helped me get through the anger and finally forgive them. Remember, forgiveness is nut an emotion, but a act of will. You have to make the decision to forgive, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to heal. What l realized in the end is that they acted how they acted because they didn’t know any better. Also, praying for healing helps. You are not alone, though it may feel so. Many of us are trying to heal and pull each other up in the process. Best wishes to you in your healing journey.
Righteous Anger is not shameful. How we act because of it ,is our responsibility. Behaving in a emotional mature way ensures we feel no shame in our progress.
"...Take a break from the story. Come into the hot energy. The frenetic energy. The bitter energy of your anger. And if you drop down into it, it's going to connect you to a lifetime of anger and unresolved anger that is so much bigger than the ex-partner..." Simple and poignant words. Thank you, Alan.
theogore as i have started to pay attention to physical sensations of my emotions, i realized that anger is indeed energy that moving up and down in rapid jerks in my chest, upper back, neck and upper arms. i had suppressed it for so long that i have troubles recognizing it when i am angry. that helped me.
Yes I do that with my therapist. I focus mostly on the original rage but it's also ok to now and then feel the rage also linked to exes (especially a long abusive relationship) or a work situation. Just not focus to much on that but most of the time tracing it back to the childhood rage.
After 6 months of counseling recently I was told it was o.k. to feel and appropriately express my childhood rage of not have gotten my childhood needs met. As a child, my own 😡, was met with more rage by the adults, corporal punishment. Today as I learn compassion for myself, forgiveness of myself, acknowledging my imperfections and embracing them as my own, the less judgemental of others and the more accepting of others flaws I become. As Toni Braxton sang I can breathe again. Exhaling, letting go of who and what I didn't need nor want and creating space within for what I do want, need and am willing to accept in my life, in my 💜 and in my spirit. Thanks Alan you're such a life saver. Thank you for the ability(gift) to return us to our whole spiritual selves.
I’m very aware that my inner rage is rooted in deep feelings of hurt and not being validated but I don’t know how to self soothe and overcome it. It’s very complicated.
I hear you. Good awareness. Glad to see you were engaged with this content from the reflections you shared. It's so important to talk about learning how to work with old hurt. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Empathy to you. Interesting how emotions can affect our body. I'm reminded of the relationship between thoughts, feelings and actions. Glad you connected with this video. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with friends who may resonate.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank yuu sm XD im working to love myself & heal . im only a kid but i wanna take responsibility for my well being . and this video helped connect some dots !! ( ᴗ )✿♡
I have a lot of rage within me from a traumatic childhood and it's been in control of me for years... sometimes I literally cannot control the rage because it just burst out of me without any warning or symptoms, it is an instant explosion of rage. The other day I spoke to my father on the phone and everything that I ever wanted to tell him and all that I have held inside my entire life came out of me and I was screaming at him down the phone in rage. He was making me more and more angry because he was stroking his ego and trying to state that he was a good father. He does not understand how seeing him and my mother beat each other up, smash the house up, living around their drug abuse, being told my father has hung himself and tried to take his life on different occasions, hearing the screams of my mother when I my little sister died and looking down the stairs to see a dead baby in her arms, watching and hearing my mother having sex with other men and thinking she was being beaten, going to visit my parents in mental hospitals and in prison, thinking your mother is dead because she is so gone on heroin, being taken away to random foster homes, suffering from sexual abuse but that did not involve my parents and having your mother and grandfather die in the same year...there are more things but these are the largest traumatic things I experienced, and My father seems to believe that all of this was not such a bad thing for me to experience as a child and is not the cause of my faulty mind. Can a child who has experienced such things be expected to be a normal part of functioning society? I have a lot of anger and rage from all of this, I also have a problem with feeling that people care or love me.
Padma The Sacred Lotus Your story made me very sad. You have been through way more dysfunction than I have. And I'm very sorry for that. I can hear the pain and anger in your words. One thing that did relate to me was going off on your dad via phone. Before I went No Contact with my parents, my mom called me one day and I was totally fine. In fact our last few phone calls had really been wonderful. But when she called me that last time she said she thought she had had a stroke. I immediately asked her what the doctor said and she said "oh, I didnt go to the ER" I lost my fucking mind. I started raging so bad that I don't even remember what I said. It was pure blind rage. Before anyone judges me you have to know that she is a covert narcissist. She has used "having a stroke" to get out of her lies. She says I don't remember that, very convenient of her. I would be more sympathetic to her if she had actually gone to a doctor, but she hasn't, not once. So I guess I had had enough of her playing mind games on me and just exploded on her. So I get the rages and how they can just come with our warning . I didn't answer the phone that day thinking "I'm going to go into blind rage with my mother". Hope u get the treatment you need. And thank you for sharing. It really helps some of us to know we are not alone. God bless you.
Padma you need a bunch of hugs and gentle, soothing and comforting strokes. I hope you seek appropriate counseling to deal with your grief and loss. Until then peace to you my sister from another mother.
I just wanted to let you know your videos have helped me work through my past trauma growing up in an intensely abusive home. I've been struggling with C-PTSD & PTSD amongst other mental health & developmental challenges (ADHD, ASD), & in the past 5-7 years I had felt unable to move beyond my own trauma. I felt like I was literally frozen in time, but the rest of the world (including in my own life) was moving forward. As I finally decided to leave my toxic family of origin & my abusers (including the series of abusive relationships & friendships I had in adulthood) behind, I went through a very severe breakdown/mental collapse (this past winter). I have been doing my own research for years, becoming my own psychologist throughout my entire life, but in this particular time, I ended up discovering your videos. The time was clearly right. Your videos on attachment trauma & communication helped me help myself. I finally have been able to admit although I have been terribly abused by people I was supposed to be able to trust my entire young life, I DO have power over myself to not accept that in my life ever again. What I do not have the power to do is change who others are, & that was precisely what I was trying to do all along. I had convinced myself that working to change my abusers for all of eternity was easier than walking away & working on changing myself instead. I don't feel that way anymore. It's like I've grown in emotional maturity 5 years in the past 6 months. I felt frozen in my emotional maturity around age 21, & I am nearly 27 now, but only now am I beginning to truly feel it. So thank you. Thank you for providing the blunt truth about these issues. It was what I needed to hear.
Tarek Apelian I am so very proud of you and that immense maturity and humility and honesty that it takes for you to be where you are, and to hear what he was saying after all that abuse that you didn't deserve. I'm in a place of such gratitude that people like us have found our way to messages like this, of the difficult, but so worthwhile road to self love, compassion and personal responsibility and choice, as adults. I wish us all freedom and emotional satisfaction. Love to you all.
Tarek first of all I want to say thank you for sharing your comment. I'm glad his advice helped you and it's also giving me hope for the future, my family was abusive in a sense where when I was still in school my father use to yell at us to let look for his clothes that he should wear and to make him food. Even if he lost things that was his fault he would just walk out the door and never apologize. I've become so numb over the years from constant bullying and abuse from people I am suppose to love, I've started isolating myself from everyone to a point where I started having severe panic attacks. That was a small portion of my past, it was just to paint a fraction of a vast canvas. So thanks again and this dude that made this video your wise words has changed my perspective on life and I'm going to put the work in. Oh changing my personality to suite those around me really messed me up so much. I'm making peace with who I am and stopping to change who I am. There is someone special for everyone and if you change who you truly are then at the day you meet that particular person you wouldn't have never truly met them... Then that day will pass and never have played out how it should've been and regret follows you till you make peace with it of course. I'm rambling fuck
Wow talk about parallel lives and experiences it’s simultaneously upsetting and reassuring to know how many other people are out there dealing with this. CPTSD has ruined most of my adult life but the worst part of all that is the way it has ruined the good things in it too.
wow your story is my story word for word. i went no contact with my abusive family february 2018. after a total mental breakdown that even affected me physically i went through an emotional, psychological and cognitive growth so fast that i still cannot believe it. i wished that someone had told me this fourfold fact and helped me to free myself: 1) you’re hurting, 2) what they do is abuse 3) they WANT to see you in pain, they feel joy when they see you in pain and they actively and consciously do things to ruin you and your life. and they’re your family and you love them. it happens. it is happening to you right now. you’re not safe. you’re in danger of losing your mind, health, future and even your life. get out. cut all ties. get into safety ... i wish that someone had to said it to me straight into my face, clear and directly ... i underwent two therapies, six years in total ... i am sobhappy that you had that breakthrough so early in your life, tarek. and you did it yourself and should acknowledge this unspeakably huge achievement whatever we may call it: rebirthing yourself abd being reborn at the same time; leaving, losing and mourning everything you had and were; retraumatizing yourself voluntarily to break free at last and growing up - which is no picknick either and is so messy and painful, too. only we know what momentous things we underwent and momentous things we have done, worked for and achieved on the inside. i don’t think that people who did not have this experience will ever understand (and if they did, i think it would traumatize them ... and i would never wish such life upon anybody). i have secretely chosen a day to be my second birthday to celebrate the birth of the little girl within me - that had grown into a woman within a year (!): i cannot believe it but when you’re truly healing, you are healing fast. i thought it would take me years and years. i sm so thankful and feel blessed. and i also celebrate a second day: my personal independance day when i emotionally broke free from my trauma bondage. our pain is invisible. our stories cannot be heard by those without this experiential knowledge. so we have to do it ourselves: remind ourselves of what we have achieved and celebrate it. thanks for sharing your story here, tarek, and thanks to all the wonderful professionals that put so much work, effort and heart into educating and helping people on youtube: without the videos like yours here my breakthrough would not have been possible. i cannot even express how instrumental these videos were in becoming aware of my stockholm syndrome and thus get rid of it. it saved my life. so thank you!
My experience is - I choosed partners that helped me release my subconcious anger. That Was Ugly, That was messy, but it heleped me a lot. This is a paradox - we choose partners that reflect back to us our unhealed trauma. And if we don't heal it - we will continue Loop of attracting people in our life that will make us angry and bitter, until we release and heal what need to be healed. Thank You for the Great Work!
I feel as though I do that with my new partner. We both want to be in control I think it’s like I have this dark side that’s so abusive and he just messes with me when I hurt him. 🤷♀️ Then I think maybe it’s all in my head. Plus we both have memory issues his is do to a disease and mine is do to childhood trauma. 🤔
Ok you hit the nail on the head, “Your rage is your rage, not because of what someone has done to you, but because you are still living with it.” Thanks so much for this video. I am still that younger self.
I have a lifetime of anger inside, I never learnt how to deal with it. I used to get hysterical because of my siblings bullying me. I was beaten for getting angry. And either slepped across the face or had buckets of cold water thrown over me. I have been trying for approx 20years to heal, but I can't be vulnerable anymore. My therapist keeps reminding me I need to let the "tough chick " exterior down occasionally. I will never give anyone that much control over me again.
Empathy to you, these experiences sound painful. Many of us can relate with having gone through similar difficult dynamics. Thank you for reflecting and thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you gentleness.
I'm 65 years old. These kinds of resources were not available when I needed it. I've lived my entire life not knowing what was wrong with me (until now). What a waste of a life. I am trying so hard now and it's helping, but again, what a wasted life. BE GLAD YOU ARE YOUNG AND HAVE MANY YEARS TO HEAL AND FIND YOUR TRUE SELF AND TRUE LOVE. I spent nearly every penny I had in my savings to renovate my little house. I virtually have no savings left. I'm 65, if I want to get away from my spouse I guess that means leaving my little house that I worked so hard on. Not to mention, who's going to hire me? What are the chances I will EVER find REAL love? Who will take care of me in my old age? It's rapidly approaching and that is so scary.
Hell yea this clicked. My 7 year old child just said remember me you are neglecting me!!!!!!! I will be intentional with dealing with your fall out!!!!!
Thank you sir. I need to hear this so badly. I dealt with this anger and I did get bitter overtime and it get's so tiring. A lot of times I said I want to let go of my anger but I knew I couldn't because I kept wanting revenge on the people that hurt me. I projected my hate and anger for what they did to me and I couldn't stop. But now I came across this video it did help me completely help me look at my anger at a different way. Break the chains of stories and other people and focus on what's underneath the anger. Another thing i came to realize is when nice people who are passive think anger/aggression is not good to show towards others and when they have been abused for showing it they often feel guilty for showing it and they stuff it away. Now I know to accept my anger in a good way and not demonize it or abuse it, it's a part of me and it's okay to get angry and embrace it. I'm going to take time writing down the feelings and write down what exactly the feelings I feel when I feel it rather than add stories or people. Thanks!
I am just realizing that I have anger issues. Listening to this video helped me to realize the trauma and abuse in the past. It makes sense that I would be angry. My life is all but gone by. I am alone, and probably always will be. The primal rage is there and seemingly all that I have to hold onto. It is exhausting. I know it is up to each one of us to turn it around. We have choices. Thank you for helping me to see myself. And for showing me that I can turn it around if I choose to.
I did what you said.. and I went deep and the monster I saw there frightens the hell out of me. I’ve been feeding this monster with my emotions and now it feels too big to destroy. And the crazy part is, that it’s buried so deep, i function so highly that I literally am calm and happy generally… until I’m not, then it’s a problem.
You sound self-aware. Thanks for reflecting and glad this video spoke to you. Emotional health is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I cried so much throughout this. It's so poignant. I've been in recovery for an eating disorder for years now and little by little the layers are being peeled away to reveal what underlying emotions were fueling the disorder. Recently the anger and rage from my childhood has been resurfacing. It's been difficult to release. at the time I developed the eating disorder to cope I was much angrier than I am now. I didn't know how to connect back with that incredibly hurt 13/14 year old, and to the neglected child before the anger developed. Thank you for providing insight and tools to help understand. I'm very grateful
This is a direct hit on this core issue that affects many today. Understanding rage has been a life long quest for me. He is definitely right about attacking those close to you when the anger is triggered.
I am in so much pain tonight, lately I have been angry at everything, pretty much pissed off at the world and wondering what is going on with me. I realized that it is buried rage that is bubbling up to the surface. This video explains it so well. It came just in time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Now I know what is at the core of my anger. I could sense it but couldn’t define it.
Thank you. Came at the right time. I did understand that i was projecting my childhood rage of not being seen on my ex partner. he mirrorred my father during and after our relationship and i guess it is easier to have that rage against him than at my father.
This is such a good message. I got angry just listening to it. I have suffered extreme rage and have been stuck in "they" did it to me. Finding responsible responses to anger --this gives me HOPE. Thank you.
Very painfully True. I always think of that song by Journey “ I want to know what love is I want you to show me” Took me years to figure out the source who is my Father a narcissistic abusive who I’m fighting in court now for five years. The anger that was suppressed comes to the surface whenever you feel not heard and neglected because you never felt unconditionally love as everything offered was only conditional on their terms from a narcissist.
Thank you for this. That's exactly where I find myself today. Im in therapy right now and after talking for 7 sittings I finally said STOP. I told her that everything we talked about Ive been aware of for years but it doesnt change the fact that at the core I always see this little boy trapped in a dark room who is really scared, alone, never felt save, loved, seen or heard and now just says NO to everything. I was really surprised at myself for finally finding the courage to talk about this with someone, and her response was just amazing. I feel heard for the very first time in my life (Im 33 years old). Im now in the process of connecting to that, which I don't really know how...but she tries to help me best she can...we are getting there :-)
I came here to learn how to be a better stepdad to help my kids who survived emotional injuries and trauma. I am leaving here to help myself learn that my Anger and Irritability are Rooted In yesterday's Rage related to childhood emotional neglect and complex attachment trauma of not being shown how to respond and process my life effectively. To "allow me to drop into & sit with my rage and learn to feel and process, "I have never loved and respected or been loved and respect the way I needed. It is cutting to the core, and there is a very first foundational place of my being that is so upset that people have not understood me, and I struggle to be known, which makes me upset and creates some rage. My aim, goal, and challenge are to be creative with that rage and not get lost in my bitterness, jadedness, or employment and allow it to burn me up. If I do, I practically guarantee that I do not experience secure, healthy, and lasting relationships. I am learning to pull the projection off of the old story of anger & get in touch with that part of me that is hurting, and I bring in compassion, love, and tenderness, the amount of me that is so unset, enrage, and emotionally hot. This is an approach to healing the root so that I can bear lasting emotional and relational fruit. It's a stern message to hear, a complex message to share, and difficult news to sit with and receive (adopted from Alan Robarge)." At the apex of my anger with God and giving myself the tools and support, there is hope, healing, and a more helpful and impactful potential I can unleash.
I sooo needed to hear this. I carried a lot of anger towards my boyfriend's father. When in reality he had nothing to do with my anger/rage. I always thought he was the reason. He probably thought I had real issues. I'm sure he didn't understand why I hated him so much. Now I did see things he was doing that were not right when it came to his girlfriend who I was friends with. And because I was living in his house (with my boyfriend) I felt too loyal to him to tell her what he was doing on nights she wasn't there. It was really none of my business. But I guess I used him to act out my hurt and rage against my own boyfriend. I literally just made this connection after listening to your video. You did a great job in explaining this. Thank you so much. I see my therapist Monday and hope she can give me the tools to unload this rage. I have been married for 23 years to a man I met after getting out of that other situation. I have a loving and supportive husband and two wonderful teenagers. They shouldn't have to put up with my rages. That's why I started therapy two weeks ago. I was definitely neglect by an alcoholic mother who was also a workaholic. My dad was never there in the evenings (second shift job and many affairs) and on top of that our babysitter looked after us during the day. And what I mean about "looked after us" I mean she fed us lunch. We were to sit out on the curb to wait for our mom to pick us up. Not so bad on school days but during the summer and holidays it was brutal (Texas summers). And this went on for years and years. So even though I don't member a lot about my childhood, I do remember the outright neglect. Again, thank you so much for doing this video, I got a breakthrough out of It! You are great at what you do!
I have CPTSD and I have been stuck in this exact cycle. I have never heard anyone relate the inner child and rage this way and it is so clearly truthful. Thank you, I want to get better because what I experience with rage is not simply an anger management issue. It's an unreleased bitterness that I attach to people and not myself. Thank you again for this video
Thank you very much!! Even though there can be truth in the dysfunction of current relationships, it is very helpful to be able to remove that as the primary focus. I found it refreshing to be able to claim responsibility for my own emotional journey as an adult without feeling like I was enabling my ex-partner to get away with anything. The more I can claim my own emotions separate from my ex, the better I feel. I can also reclaim my own power to care for myself while I address a core issue. You have been very helpful.
The problem in my case is that I've been failed by people that society says I should be able to trust (parents and school authorities to be exact) that it's sort of become "learned bitterness/anger/resentment".
I hear you. It is hard when people fail us. Empathy to you. Glad you connected with this video and thanks for responding. Good you are reaching out. If you haven't already subscribed please do. Also share this video with friends who may resonate. Thanks.
I think very highly of you and the passion you exude towards helping people understand themselves and thus, hopefully form more healthy relationships. your videos have brought so much clarity that I didn't think was even possible. I understand why I am the way I am, as opposed to not knowing who I was, why I experiencing the same painful patterns in relationships, why I always felt so defective and unloveable. thanks to your videos explaining attachment trauma, obsessive thinking, trauma mind, and many others, I am now at a place where the healing journey has begun. It's baby steps...but I have a sense of hope that I've never know before. Thank you for all that you're doing, Alan🙂🌻
I too since Alan have much more hope. He has made clarity for me that lets me know im on the right path to self healing. God bless his passion and brilliance.
Alan, thank you. I have no words for how life changing your videos have been. Everytime I am retriggered or looking to gain clarity, your videos are my first point of contact. I have learnt more here then I have in therapy. Alan, i pray you are blessed with everything.
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Thankyou alan.i have that rage .to feel unknown by your family is so painful.that rage has been going on for years wiv my sister.i want to let go of it.
Yeah, I believe this is currently where I am emotionally. Each morning I wake up in a rage. And in my head I hear myself raging and cursing vehemently if I have to make a choice (especially food, showering or chores) I don't want to make. Am grateful that despite these occurrences I still do my 15 minute meditation, go to RUclips to hear whatever gospel song is in my spirit, journal or get ready for the exercise class for that day. Hmmm, what does this polarity mean? My neglected, abandoned, willful, regressed child versus my self-caring adult? Are these mornings power struggles or smh, what? Any observations, thoughts, perspectives, comments, similar experiences, anyone? O.k. Alan listened to your suggestions all the way through. Raging at or against childhood needs not being met. Just for this moment I will pause, take what you said under advisement and allow it to marinate, ruminate and reach that empty, internalized space that will create spiritual and cellular change. I'm going to wait. And simultaneously go to RUclips to listen to What Shall I Do?
Hello. I am wondering if you ever found a solution. Your daily struggle sounds just like mine, as does your experience of also being a kinder gentler person and the method you use to center yourself and heal. The only difference is that the rage doesn't start right when I wake up.
At 75 I have the voice of experience. Alan R. has hit the nail on the head. I experienced blaming everyone for my unhappiness: society for lying to me about how to be happy, my parents for not listening to me, my husband for not talking to me. I call it anger that is deep seated in frustration. I went through the stages Alan is talking about and have come out on the other side knowing no one else is at fault. They did not understand what was happening and I can forgive them for neglect even if they are not here to receive that forgiveness.
Powerful comment. So glad this video deeply resonated for you. This type of reflecting is so important. We need to keep having conversations about the meaning of forgiveness. Thank you for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it, I want to with you about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in conversations in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Hi Alan, I am concerned about relationships with family members in the past. How do I become a member of your Community Program and is there a fee?
I get very angry towards my parents, who were those who emotionally abused me when I was a child. I should give away from them but I can't right now. I am living waiting, avoiding them, in my bedroom, not talking with them. I can't resist long.
I’m really angry 😡 although I’m a very nice sweet person but the reason I’m so angry is most people don’t understand me and make fun of the way I talk and walk due to my autism. Life is very difficult for people on the autistic spectrum.
Empathy to you. It is distressing and angering when people don't understand us. We can learn how to take care of ourselves by understanding the way we respond to attachment distress. Many of us have default responses to emotional disconnect. By understanding the different responses we can build understanding for ourselves and others. If you would like to learn more about attachment behaviors then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was abused as a child, I have worked on myself for years and thought I was doing better -until my new marriage. My wife is amazing and our relationship is healthy. I have noticed though, that sometimes if we have a disagreement, which is very rare, I yell and scream and talk about things that are not even relevant. They are from past. How do I not do this? I don’t do it all the time most of the time I’m calm but I don’t want to yell and scream at all.
Taking some time to cool off and writing out what you want to say so that you can calmly bring up what's bothering, how you feel and so on. I hope you're doing better. 👍🏿
@@Chill-mm4pn thanks for that advice.just a few weeks ago, I felt myself getting angry. This time, I didn’t yell, I went outside until o got myself together. Once I calmed myself, I was able to talk to my wife without yelling or screaming. I am very proud of myself and so is she. I’m going to keep at it until I can communicate all the time without yelling
Glad this is helpful. You're welcome. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video is fantastic and truly causes one to do some serious self- examination. It is also a key to why so many relationships are failing, marriages and families being destroyed. Projection is a terrible weapon not only used onto self - but onto others as well.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. I have had a rageful anger toward my mother for decades. I never feel anger toward anyone else with this kind of "rage". But the anger I have toward my mother is a result of her gaslighting me her whole life and NEVER coming clean. That is on top of her shallow depth as a person.
@@PraveenSrJ01 Thank you. At the moment, she and I are not even speaking. She told me that I have to "accept her as she is". I said never would I do that. That is me accepting abuse.
Mine partly stems from my dad admitting years later that he used to leave me to cry in my crib as a baby without coming in to check on me. Because he read some stupid parenting book that this was a good idea. He didnt do that for very long but the damage was done. Its why I get so enraged when people dont want to listen to me or make fun of my anger or sadness. Its why I cant stand any type of rejection.
I extremely profit from your channel. I was trying to do the trauma work alone because no therapist could really help. Now I found my guide/initiator and guidance, thank you!
Hello @Daniel, Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad they resonate with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Im 43 and have been struggling with anger my whole life due to emotionally immature parents and an invalidating childhood experience. Ive made progress but now that my parents are elderly Im experiencing it again as their behavior is irritating and triggering. Thank you for this video.
I hear my kid getting so upset at everyone else and realize that while I have tried to do my best in raising him, my own issues have clouded my ability to connect and be present. CPTSD survivor here. I have to break my own story and be willing to try to break down his and take responsibility in 2 places at once - life is a lot some days. 😢 But maybe then, he doesn’t end up wearing my sh*^ for the rest of his life…let’s hope. I try so much harder than my own folks at being a parent but some days it isn’t enough.
I'm so sad and filled with hopelessness. Open adopted as infant in 1948, father rarely acknowledged my presence or spoke to me(or my adopted younger brother). Mother self-involved. Today they would not have been approved for adoption. I've survived my entire life through distrust, lies and deceit about who I am in order to fit in to society. All "friends" were surface to me to fill loneliness. Born into rejection, and soon will pass this life in the same manner. Too tired to keep up the charade, sick and disabled for 23 years with Systemic Sclerosis/Scleroderma, filled with deep sadness due to never having been able to selflessly love or even feel genuine emotion of love. As small child if 3 remember pulling away from adopted mother's attempt to hug. Why? Too late and life nearing the end. Never had ability to trust-anyone. As a want-to-be, claiming to be a born again Christian, even that-unable to trust God/Jesus, anyone. Fear and dread of eternity😧😤. God have mercy on me. Heal my son's and all those I've unintentionally hurt.
This is all so incredibly good, true and powerful. Bless you! Such needed words for today, it's such a shame they've (seemingly) been hidden for the previous generations that have needed them. Thank you for bringing them into the light to empower us :)
Glad you like this video. Empathy to you. These are challenging dynamics especially when it deals with family. Glad you are reaching out for resources that are helpful for you.
"I have never loved or been loved the way that I needed to." This is what I needed to say, and accept, alongside the fact that I've been really angry for a long time. Thank you! ❤️🥲😭
I hear you. It is buried in many of us. Empathy to us all. Glad this video resonates for you. Also, since you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you SO MUCH for making these videos. I’ve been searching for knowledge on why and how my anger works, and this was EXACTLY what I needed. 💖💖 Thank you so much 😊
Glad to hear this content resonates and is of benefit for you. Good you are researching working with your anger. Thanks for your comment. If you haven't heard about it, this is the type of content we explore in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community I welcome you joining us as a member.
Your talking about my biological mom that learned this from her mom and so on and so on. . It’s a learned behavior. Now that I understand and see everything and able to connect the dots I will not do this to my kids. It is making me a better and more emotionally available, accountable mother, woman and person.
Omgosh this video explained me right to the core!! Youve touched on everything Im finding out about me and Im thankful for this video. Im saving it to remind myself. Thanks again Alan!
I hear you. Sometimes it helps exploring challenging topics with others who are also learning. In the community, members can choose what to focus on and how long they need that focus. Members have reported learning quickly through the shared insights and discussions. Thanks for your comment.
Alan, your videos have liberated me. I am thankful that you take your time to make these videos that impact people in such needed and positive way. Thank you! Thank you!
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful my videos are for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know how helpful my work has been for you.
I think I have done the opposite (which is also bad) pretending like the abuse/neglect didn't bother me. Never blaming people when they deserve blame because I internalize all their abuse and make it my fault.
Same. I've just started isdtp, which is designed to show you how you're blocking your true feelings. I've been at it only a few weeks but I can finally really call what I went through abuse and I've cried. Still haven't got to the rage yet, but I can access a little anger for the first time.
That video was really helpful as I met that rage in me over the last few days and was able to feel it and the people it was attached to and let it go without causing problems
Great to hear this is helpful. This is good awareness. Many of us can relate with this type of rage. Thanks for letting me know this is of benefit for you. If this video is helpful and you'd like to dive deeper into what drives this behavior then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
How do I stop feeling rage at my father for treating me and my Mom so bad while I was growing up? He's now 71 and I have to look after him now that my mom passed. Can I ever stop feeling this? I get triggered constantly and I don't want to!! I want to let it go and live peacefully.
Thanks for letting me know this is deeply moving. Glad this spoke to you. This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow! This video is 4 years old! I needed it 3.5 years when my mom died, but I’m thankful to have it now. It’s affirming so much of the work I’ve already done and still doing to get out & stay out the loop.
Empathy to you. Grieving the loss of a parent takes time and attention. Grieving skills is a topic discussed in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Getting support from others who are also learning is helpful for many people. Join in on the community conversations www.alanrobarge.com/community. Good for you engaging this work and seeking out helpful resources. Glad you are reaching out.
Wow! This made so much sense. It wasn't about my ex's at all, it was all about MY anger. This made me see a lot about myself. Very helpful information.
I had a sudden epiphany tonight and had just found this video. This broadcast is 100% spot on and answers so many questions for me on the rage and my story of my childhood. Thank you for this amazing insight. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for the kind words. Nice to hear this was helpful. Glad you are finding benefit from this content. Thank you for valuing my work and efforts. For more content like this that goes into depth about our default behaviors, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
For me it’s not about my partner. It’s about my mother. And years of extreme abuse and emotional neglect. I do feel rage because of how I was treated. But I also recognize the rage I have now is my own. I do want to tell the story of the abuse I suffered. Not to keep retelling it. I just want someone to know. I’m just tired of it being a secret. Is it really not about my mother? I understand it’s about me. And that I was never loved the way I needed too. Yes. Exactly. I guess I’m a little confused about why I’m not supposed to feel rage towards my mother?
Being stuck myself in such a loop of almost constant inner rage and anger for as long as I can care to remember, it helps somewhat hearing another describe it. Much of what you just said applies to me. Thank you for shining a light on it. Wish I could get all that old deep constant anger and resentment of my mind for good. That be nice. But I can't. It's like mental vomiting. When it comes, it just comes and it drains me. It's become routine and almost like an addiction in itself.
Wow,I feel this exact same way to a T every single day. I’m constantly irritable & you’re right it is draining!! The littlest things set me off & I start reminiscing about my mom & get so furious, furious at her for being neglectful.
Thank you SO much for this video. It brought a lot of insight that I can use, and that my husband and can use too. Haven't found a video like this at all, so thank you!!!!
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates for you. Please also share this video with friends who may like it. Help me spread the word. Thanks.
I so appreciate your approach to this, and have one important disagreement: though anger and rage energy are often seen together, rage energy can just be that energy needed for survival, or for someone else’s survival, like when you need that energy to lift a car off of someone. If you watch the experiments called neutral face, you can see the babies resort to rage energy before they get to that despairing hopelessness. I think with stored in the body after neglect or abuse as a child, it’s just that rage energy, often mistaken for anger. I also believe it’s 100% healable with EMDR
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
My issue is, I know anger is pointless... People treat you poorly because they don't know how to treat you right.. How can someone give love if they never got it? We also allowed people to treat us poorly.. But now I am working on myself and letting go of toxic thoughts / behaviour.. If I am doing this work, why did my parents not do this work.. I suffered because they took no ownership for their lives... I want to be angry at them, but I understand them.. So that anger sits there.. How do I release it?
Thank you for helping! I cry sometimes watching your videos, knowing how much work there's to do. But I'm determined to live in my worthwhile life and truly show love to myself and others. You're awesome
Hello Alan, great videos. Question, what about when drugs/alcohol become the source of the rage? Can this be resolved? Thank you.
@@warriorsoftheheart exactly what id like to know, I've had a billion punchbags weights none of that works it's just training me up so I can use my rage more efficiently...
@@uiolax1967 my mama used to say rage is as rage does
@11:30: “I have never loved or been loved the way I needed to, and it is cutting me to the core. And there is a very primal, foundational place of my being that is so upset that people have not known me. And I struggle to be known.”
I’ve needed this “I” statement for 12 years now. Thank you to infinity!
Nick, glad this video resonated for you. Yes, good for you for giving yourself permission and acknowledging your need to be known. Many of us can relate. This is one of the reasons I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Me too
I CONCUR. ✊🥺
I project this primal, immature rage onto my spouse (not an ex). The anger rises when his behaviors make me feel unloved, unseen, unheard… just as I felt as a child. It’s an exhausting cycle and sometimes I feel it might be best to be alone as I’m not having much success healing or managing these triggers. 😢
I can see this cycle can be emotionally challenging. Your share brings up empathy. I hope you can allow in self-gentleness. One day at a time. Thanks for commenting.
Did you find out the way to heal it? I have similar problems.
@@pedo1127 Yes, I can say I’ve definitely gotten better. I’ve learned to pause and look at these situations as great teaching moments for me to take time to go within and reassure myself. I look at my spouse as my great teacher (instead of my villain) which has been a huge perspective shift. When I feel the rage/trigger, I’ll leave the room (will go outside if able) and put my hand on my heart (it’s calming and soothing), take some deep breaths and tell myself how loved I am by saying “I see you”, “I hear you”, “I love you”, “you are worthy”, etc. I have also explained to him (when not triggered) how his lack of response in these moments triggers me and I’ve coached him on what would help me. He is trying to meet me halfway even though it’s not natural for him since he is more emotionally unavailable. I recognize and appreciate his efforts. The more I exercise this conscious response (instead of letting my little self throw a tantrum), the better I am getting and I’ve noticed I am having fewer instances of rage/anger with him. Also, this is not for everyone but I have incorporated plant medicine in my life (ayahuasca and psilocybin) which have helped me to see and truly feel my childhood trauma which made me feel so unloved and invisible. These sacred medicines have helped me to fill the void through self understanding, self compassion and self love. I hope this info helps in some small way. It’s a journey but I feel it is what we are here for… to heal. Perhaps your spouse is here to trigger and magnify those spaces in you that need healing? Perhaps he/she is your greatest teacher too? All the best on your journey. ❤️
I feel you on this!!!
Betrayed by parents, betrayed by partners, betrayed by culture. When we attempt to find a real solution we are buried under layers of shame, guilt and judgement. Finally, some people can dig out from under this and kick that shit to the curb, and emerge as sovereign beings. It can be a long, tricky and confusing process of creation and by slogging through it we become powerful creators. Then we can bust out of an oppressive matrix.
You are so correct that the primal rage is misdirected to intimate partners and everything and everyone else.
Glad this resonates. Thanks for commenting.
If you connect with this content then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I once heard someone describe it a MURDEROUS RAGE. That hit the nail on the head for me. So much pent up anger about my dysfunctional upbringing and so many losses I experienced due to emotionally neglectful and alcoholic parents. It took a long time to allow myself to face the anger and give myself permission to express it. It was so cathartic to finally let the pressure out of the pressure cooker. As a self love coach it was my own journey of being compassionate and kind to myself as all of the pain. Fear and losses came to surface. To anyone who is going through this process, you are not responsible for what was done to you and you never deserved it. Keep pressing forward as the healing is so worth it. You are loved and you are worth it. Thank you so much Alan for your amazing videos. They were a huge catalyst in my healing journey. Sending everyone who watches this much love❤️
Did u not hurt others when u allowed urself to express ur anger
@stefaniakonstantinidou981 what exactly is your point. Are you blaming the victim?
That moment you tear up when he hits the nail on the head. You are brilliant 😭
True man . . .true
So true.❤
Yes, his knowledge with what he has said. It me square, and motivation grew to do all I can that nurtures the child that keeps screaming, and heal.
@@krish.5823 EMDR is a wonderful and powerful way to connect with and process ..and validate every single emotion linked to childhood pain, rage and fear.. I encourage you to look into this. Take care
11:38 🙏🏻💚🙏🏻
I’ve never heard someone articulate this so perfectly. I could never understand what was being stirred when I felt I heard and ignored and unknown. It is a sign of rejection that I had been harboring. There’s so much anger and exhaustion from fighting to be heard and seen
So much empathy to you and to all of us who also felt ignored. Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer explanation.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
‘Dear, I need you to tune into your hot provocative rage’ sounds crazy but it’s all gospel. This guy is so deep.
I searched for, "CPTSD and anger" and found this. I have the same painting in my living room...and, more importantly, I am also seething with anger as I live with CPTSD. So, I am listening. I realized I am angry that my estranged father did not save me from my mother and her husbands. I have so much to work through. It never seems to end. Being me is exhausting.
I can relate very much. How are you doing dear? ❤️
Start with writing down all your hurts. Writing letters to my family members who hurt me as a child, some of them now dead, was what helped me get through the anger and finally forgive them. Remember, forgiveness is nut an emotion, but a act of will. You have to make the decision to forgive, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to heal. What l realized in the end is that they acted how they acted because they didn’t know any better. Also, praying for healing helps. You are not alone, though it may feel so. Many of us are trying to heal and pull each other up in the process. Best wishes to you in your healing journey.
Doesn’t some rage arise from being made to feel shame / guilt for the original rage and hurt? So it’s a double whammy.
Righteous Anger is not shameful.
How we act because of it ,is our responsibility.
Behaving in a emotional mature way ensures we feel no shame in our progress.
@@chanceDdog2009 I think @pen is referring to beginning shame by a parent for your anger or rage.
Yes! Thank you for pointing this out! This is a huge issue!
@@chanceDdog2009 that was not helpful
That is so true
"...Take a break from the story. Come into the hot energy. The frenetic energy. The bitter energy of your anger. And if you drop down into it, it's going to connect you to a lifetime of anger and unresolved anger that is so much bigger than the ex-partner..." Simple and poignant words. Thank you, Alan.
theogore as i have started to pay attention to physical sensations of my emotions, i realized that anger is indeed energy that moving up and down in rapid jerks in my chest, upper back, neck and upper arms. i had suppressed it for so long that i have troubles recognizing it when i am angry. that helped me.
Yes I do that with my therapist. I focus mostly on the original rage but it's also ok to now and then feel the rage also linked to exes (especially a long abusive relationship) or a work situation. Just not focus to much on that but most of the time tracing it back to the childhood rage.
After 6 months of counseling recently I was told it was o.k. to feel and appropriately express my childhood rage of not have gotten my childhood needs met. As a child, my own 😡, was met with more rage by the adults, corporal punishment. Today as I learn compassion for myself, forgiveness of myself, acknowledging my imperfections and embracing them as my own, the less judgemental of others and the more accepting of others flaws I become. As Toni Braxton sang I can breathe again. Exhaling, letting go of who and what I didn't need nor want and creating space within for what I do want, need and am willing to accept in my life, in my 💜 and in my spirit. Thanks Alan you're such a life saver. Thank you for the ability(gift) to return us to our whole spiritual selves.
Thank you for sharing I have alot of childhood rage coming up moment
You're healing is inspirational!! So happy for you
I’m very aware that my inner rage is rooted in deep feelings of hurt and not being validated but I don’t know how to self soothe and overcome it. It’s very complicated.
I hear you. Good awareness. Glad to see you were engaged with this content from the reflections you shared. It's so important to talk about learning how to work with old hurt. Thanks for commenting.
If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
the resentment is so insanely powerful its making my physical body sick
Empathy to you. Interesting how emotions can affect our body. I'm reminded of the relationship between thoughts, feelings and actions. Glad you connected with this video. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with friends who may resonate.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank yuu sm XD im working to love myself & heal . im only a kid but i wanna take responsibility for my well being . and this video helped connect some dots !! ( ᴗ )✿♡
Good you are learning. Thanks for letting me know this content is helpful for you. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do.
I have a lot of rage within me from a traumatic childhood and it's been in control of me for years... sometimes I literally cannot control the rage because it just burst out of me without any warning or symptoms, it is an instant explosion of rage. The other day I spoke to my father on the phone and everything that I ever wanted to tell him and all that I
have held inside my entire life came out of me and I was screaming at him down the phone in rage. He was making me more and more angry because he was stroking his ego and trying to state that he was a good father. He does not understand how seeing him and my mother beat each other up, smash the house up, living around their drug abuse, being told my father has hung himself and tried to take his life on different occasions, hearing the screams of my mother when I my little sister died and looking down the stairs to see a dead baby in her arms, watching and hearing my mother having sex with other men and thinking she was being beaten, going to visit my parents in mental hospitals and in prison, thinking your mother is dead because she is so gone on heroin, being taken away to random foster homes, suffering from sexual abuse but that did not involve my parents and having your mother and grandfather die in the same year...there are more things but these are the largest traumatic things I experienced, and My father seems to believe that all of this was not such a bad thing for me to experience as a child and is not the cause of my faulty mind. Can a child who has experienced such things be expected to be a normal part of functioning society? I have a lot of anger and rage from all of this, I also have a problem with feeling that people care or love me.
Padma The Sacred Lotus Your story made me very sad. You have been through way more dysfunction than I have. And I'm very sorry for that. I can hear the pain and anger in your words. One thing that did relate to me was going off on your dad via phone. Before I went No Contact with my parents, my mom called me one day and I was totally fine. In fact our last few phone calls had really been wonderful. But when she called me that last time she said she thought she had had a stroke. I immediately asked her what the doctor said and she said "oh, I didnt go to the ER" I lost my fucking mind. I started raging so bad that I don't even remember what I said. It was pure blind rage. Before anyone judges me you have to know that she is a covert narcissist. She has used "having a stroke" to get out of her lies. She says I don't remember that, very convenient of her. I would be more sympathetic to her if she had actually gone to a doctor, but she hasn't, not once. So I guess I had had enough of her playing mind games on me and just exploded on her. So I get the rages and how they can just come with our warning . I didn't answer the phone that day thinking "I'm going to go into blind rage with my mother". Hope u get the treatment you need. And thank you for sharing. It really helps some of us to know we are not alone. God bless you.
Padma you need a bunch of hugs and gentle, soothing and comforting strokes. I hope you seek appropriate counseling to deal with your grief and loss. Until then peace to you my sister from another mother.
I am so sorry you had to go thru this
Me also I’m not alone.
Padma The Sacred Lotus 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
That precious child has been screaming for ever.
I just wanted to let you know your videos have helped me work through my past trauma growing up in an intensely abusive home. I've been struggling with C-PTSD & PTSD amongst other mental health & developmental challenges (ADHD, ASD), & in the past 5-7 years I had felt unable to move beyond my own trauma. I felt like I was literally frozen in time, but the rest of the world (including in my own life) was moving forward. As I finally decided to leave my toxic family of origin & my abusers (including the series of abusive relationships & friendships I had in adulthood) behind, I went through a very severe breakdown/mental collapse (this past winter). I have been doing my own research for years, becoming my own psychologist throughout my entire life, but in this particular time, I ended up discovering your videos. The time was clearly right. Your videos on attachment trauma & communication helped me help myself. I finally have been able to admit although I have been terribly abused by people I was supposed to be able to trust my entire young life, I DO have power over myself to not accept that in my life ever again. What I do not have the power to do is change who others are, & that was precisely what I was trying to do all along. I had convinced myself that working to change my abusers for all of eternity was easier than walking away & working on changing myself instead. I don't feel that way anymore. It's like I've grown in emotional maturity 5 years in the past 6 months. I felt frozen in my emotional maturity around age 21, & I am nearly 27 now, but only now am I beginning to truly feel it. So thank you. Thank you for providing the blunt truth about these issues. It was what I needed to hear.
Tarek Apelian I am so very proud of you and that immense maturity and humility and honesty that it takes for you to be where you are, and to hear what he was saying after all that abuse that you didn't deserve. I'm in a place of such gratitude that people like us have found our way to messages like this, of the difficult, but so worthwhile road to self love, compassion and personal responsibility and choice, as adults. I wish us all freedom and emotional satisfaction. Love to you all.
Re rage this has a particular character when race and sexual orientation factored in as well.
John
Tarek first of all I want to say thank you for sharing your comment. I'm glad his advice helped you and it's also giving me hope for the future, my family was abusive in a sense where when I was still in school my father use to yell at us to let look for his clothes that he should wear and to make him food. Even if he lost things that was his fault he would just walk out the door and never apologize. I've become so numb over the years from constant bullying and abuse from people I am suppose to love, I've started isolating myself from everyone to a point where I started having severe panic attacks. That was a small portion of my past, it was just to paint a fraction of a vast canvas. So thanks again and this dude that made this video your wise words has changed my perspective on life and I'm going to put the work in. Oh changing my personality to suite those around me really messed me up so much. I'm making peace with who I am and stopping to change who I am. There is someone special for everyone and if you change who you truly are then at the day you meet that particular person you wouldn't have never truly met them... Then that day will pass and never have played out how it should've been and regret follows you till you make peace with it of course. I'm rambling fuck
Wow talk about parallel lives and experiences it’s simultaneously upsetting and reassuring to know how many other people are out there dealing with this. CPTSD has ruined most of my adult life but the worst part of all that is the way it has ruined the good things in it too.
wow your story is my story word for word. i went no contact with my abusive family february 2018. after a total mental breakdown that even affected me physically i went through an emotional, psychological and cognitive growth so fast that i still cannot believe it. i wished that someone had told me this fourfold fact and helped me to free myself: 1) you’re hurting, 2) what they do is abuse 3) they WANT to see you in pain, they feel joy when they see you in pain and they actively and consciously do things to ruin you and your life. and they’re your family and you love them. it happens. it is happening to you right now. you’re not safe. you’re in danger of losing your mind, health, future and even your life. get out. cut all ties. get into safety ... i wish that someone had to said it to me straight into my face, clear and directly ... i underwent two therapies, six years in total ... i am sobhappy that you had that breakthrough so early in your life, tarek. and you did it yourself and should acknowledge this unspeakably huge achievement whatever we may call it: rebirthing yourself abd being reborn at the same time; leaving, losing and mourning everything you had and were; retraumatizing yourself voluntarily to break free at last and growing up - which is no picknick either and is so messy and painful, too. only we know what momentous things we underwent and momentous things we have done, worked for and achieved on the inside. i don’t think that people who did not have this experience will ever understand (and if they did, i think it would traumatize them ... and i would never wish such life upon anybody). i have secretely chosen a day to be my second birthday to celebrate the birth of the little girl within me - that had grown into a woman within a year (!): i cannot believe it but when you’re truly healing, you are healing fast. i thought it would take me years and years. i sm so thankful and feel blessed. and i also celebrate a second day: my personal independance day when i emotionally broke free from my trauma bondage. our pain is invisible. our stories cannot be heard by those without this experiential knowledge. so we have to do it ourselves: remind ourselves of what we have achieved and celebrate it. thanks for sharing your story here, tarek, and thanks to all the wonderful professionals that put so much work, effort and heart into educating and helping people on youtube: without the videos like yours here my breakthrough would not have been possible. i cannot even express how instrumental these videos were in becoming aware of my stockholm syndrome and thus get rid of it. it saved my life. so thank you!
My experience is - I choosed partners that helped me release my subconcious anger. That Was Ugly, That was messy, but it heleped me a lot. This is a paradox - we choose partners that reflect back to us our unhealed trauma. And if we don't heal it - we will continue Loop of attracting people in our life that will make us angry and bitter, until we release and heal what need to be healed.
Thank You for the Great Work!
I feel as though I do that with my new partner. We both want to be in control I think it’s like I have this dark side that’s so abusive and he just messes with me when I hurt him. 🤷♀️ Then I think maybe it’s all in my head. Plus we both have memory issues his is do to a disease and mine is do to childhood trauma. 🤔
True!
Please tell me a way by which I can do that
Ok you hit the nail on the head, “Your rage is your rage, not because of what someone has done to you, but because you are still living with it.”
Thanks so much for this video. I am still that younger self.
I have a lifetime of anger inside, I never learnt how to deal with it. I used to get hysterical because of my siblings bullying me. I was beaten for getting angry. And either slepped across the face or had buckets of cold water thrown over me. I have been trying for approx 20years to heal, but I can't be vulnerable anymore. My therapist keeps reminding me I need to let the "tough chick " exterior down occasionally. I will never give anyone that much control over me again.
Empathy to you, these experiences sound painful. Many of us can relate with having gone through similar difficult dynamics. Thank you for reflecting and thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you gentleness.
I'm 65 years old. These kinds of resources were not available when I needed it. I've lived my entire life not knowing what was wrong with me (until now). What a waste of a life. I am trying so hard now and it's helping, but again, what a wasted life. BE GLAD YOU ARE YOUNG AND HAVE MANY YEARS TO HEAL AND FIND YOUR TRUE SELF AND TRUE LOVE. I spent nearly every penny I had in my savings to renovate my little house. I virtually have no savings left. I'm 65, if I want to get away from my spouse I guess that means leaving my little house that I worked so hard on. Not to mention, who's going to hire me? What are the chances I will EVER find REAL love? Who will take care of me in my old age? It's rapidly approaching and that is so scary.
I'm about your age and I could of typed your comment bc it totally describes my way of thinking. I hope you find hope and joy again
Hell yea this clicked. My 7 year old child just said remember me you are neglecting me!!!!!!! I will be intentional with dealing with your fall out!!!!!
Thank you sir. I need to hear this so badly. I dealt with this anger and I did get bitter overtime and it get's so tiring. A lot of times I said I want to let go of my anger but I knew I couldn't because I kept wanting revenge on the people that hurt me. I projected my hate and anger for what they did to me and I couldn't stop. But now I came across this video it did help me completely help me look at my anger at a different way. Break the chains of stories and other people and focus on what's underneath the anger. Another thing i came to realize is when nice people who are passive think anger/aggression is not good to show towards others and when they have been abused for showing it they often feel guilty for showing it and they stuff it away. Now I know to accept my anger in a good way and not demonize it or abuse it, it's a part of me and it's okay to get angry and embrace it. I'm going to take time writing down the feelings and write down what exactly the feelings I feel when I feel it rather than add stories or people. Thanks!
This is exactly my story thanks for this comment
I am just realizing that I have anger issues. Listening to this video helped me to realize the trauma and abuse in the past. It makes sense that I would be angry. My life is all but gone by. I am alone, and probably always will be. The primal rage is there and seemingly all that I have to hold onto. It is exhausting. I know it is up to each one of us to turn it around. We have choices. Thank you for helping me to see myself. And for showing me that I can turn it around if I choose to.
you're by far the smartest most astute honest and succinct and helpful person on yt. thank you for all your videos.
Well said
I did what you said.. and I went deep and the monster I saw there frightens the hell out of me. I’ve been feeding this monster with my emotions and now it feels too big to destroy. And the crazy part is, that it’s buried so deep, i function so highly that I literally am calm and happy generally… until I’m not, then it’s a problem.
You sound self-aware. Thanks for reflecting and glad this video spoke to you.
Emotional health is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
There s no monster, only a very hurt child
I cried so much throughout this. It's so poignant. I've been in recovery for an eating disorder for years now and little by little the layers are being peeled away to reveal what underlying emotions were fueling the disorder. Recently the anger and rage from my childhood has been resurfacing. It's been difficult to release. at the time I developed the eating disorder to cope I was much angrier than I am now. I didn't know how to connect back with that incredibly hurt 13/14 year old, and to the neglected child before the anger developed. Thank you for providing insight and tools to help understand. I'm very grateful
Thank you for this video, and message. Sometimes you need to hear a little more than, "Just let it go."
You're welcome. Glad this video brings value.
Thanks! This is so very on-point. I hope you are enjoying life.
I appreciate it. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video speaks to you.
Your video’s on relationships are the most brilliant on the internet. Thank you, they have helped immensely. ❤️
This is a direct hit on this core issue that affects many today. Understanding rage has been a life long quest for me. He is definitely right about attacking those close to you when the anger is triggered.
I am in so much pain tonight, lately I have been angry at everything, pretty much pissed off at the world and wondering what is going on with me. I realized that it is buried rage that is bubbling up to the surface. This video explains it so well. It came just in time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Now I know what is at the core of my anger. I could sense it but couldn’t define it.
Thank you. Came at the right time. I did understand that i was projecting my childhood rage of not being seen on my ex partner. he mirrorred my father during and after our relationship and i guess it is easier to have that rage against him than at my father.
Wow, wow, every sentence, every word, it hit me hard, and released the confusion, thank you. The timing of this, speechless!
I have extreme anger towards my family and it won't go away. I'm stuck. I'm in therapy but still have these loops. I can't take it anymore.
I hear you.
This is such a good message. I got angry just listening to it. I have suffered extreme rage and have been stuck in "they" did it to me. Finding responsible responses to anger --this gives me HOPE. Thank you.
Very painfully True. I always think of that song by Journey “ I want to know what love is I want you to show me” Took me years to figure out the source who is my Father a narcissistic abusive who I’m fighting in court now for five years. The anger that was suppressed comes to the surface whenever you feel not heard and neglected because you never felt unconditionally love as everything offered was only conditional on their terms from a narcissist.
Michelle Ridel I've been thinking of that song recently and also 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word', which you will never hear from an abuser
Great song.... It's by Foreigner =]
I'm hurting. At 50 years old, I am all the sudden dealing with this.
Empathy to you. Wishing you gentleness. Many of us can relate.
Thank you for this. That's exactly where I find myself today. Im in therapy right now and after talking for 7 sittings I finally said STOP. I told her that everything we talked about Ive been aware of for years but it doesnt change the fact that at the core I always see this little boy trapped in a dark room who is really scared, alone, never felt save, loved, seen or heard and now just says NO to everything. I was really surprised at myself for finally finding the courage to talk about this with someone, and her response was just amazing. I feel heard for the very first time in my life (Im 33 years old). Im now in the process of connecting to that, which I don't really know how...but she tries to help me best she can...we are getting there :-)
wow, that sounds like an awakening experience. Good for you for entering these depths. Glad you connected with this video.
I came here to learn how to be a better stepdad to help my kids who survived emotional injuries and trauma.
I am leaving here to help myself learn that my Anger and Irritability are Rooted In yesterday's Rage related to childhood emotional neglect and complex attachment trauma of not being shown how to respond and process my life effectively.
To "allow me to drop into & sit with my rage and learn to feel and process, "I have never loved and respected or been loved and respect the way I needed. It is cutting to the core, and there is a very first foundational place of my being that is so upset that people have not understood me, and I struggle to be known, which makes me upset and creates some rage. My aim, goal, and challenge are to be creative with that rage and not get lost in my bitterness, jadedness, or employment and allow it to burn me up. If I do, I practically guarantee that I do not experience secure, healthy, and lasting relationships. I am learning to pull the projection off of the old story of anger & get in touch with that part of me that is hurting, and I bring in compassion, love, and tenderness, the amount of me that is so unset, enrage, and emotionally hot. This is an approach to healing the root so that I can bear lasting emotional and relational fruit.
It's a stern message to hear, a complex message to share, and difficult news to sit with and receive (adopted from Alan Robarge)."
At the apex of my anger with God and giving myself the tools and support, there is hope, healing, and a more helpful and impactful potential I can unleash.
I sooo needed to hear this. I carried a lot of anger towards my boyfriend's father. When in reality he had nothing to do with my anger/rage. I always thought he was the reason. He probably thought I had real issues. I'm sure he didn't understand why I hated him so much. Now I did see things he was doing that were not right when it came to his girlfriend who I was friends with. And because I was living in his house (with my boyfriend) I felt too loyal to him to tell her what he was doing on nights she wasn't there. It was really none of my business. But I guess I used him to act out my hurt and rage against my own boyfriend. I literally just made this connection after listening to your video. You did a great job in explaining this. Thank you so much. I see my therapist Monday and hope she can give me the tools to unload this rage. I have been married for 23 years to a man I met after getting out of that other situation. I have a loving and supportive husband and two wonderful teenagers. They shouldn't have to put up with my rages. That's why I started therapy two weeks ago. I was definitely neglect by an alcoholic mother who was also a workaholic. My dad was never there in the evenings (second shift job and many affairs) and on top of that our babysitter looked after us during the day. And what I mean about "looked after us" I mean she fed us lunch. We were to sit out on the curb to wait for our mom to pick us up. Not so bad on school days but during the summer and holidays it was brutal (Texas summers). And this went on for years and years. So even though I don't member a lot about my childhood, I do remember the outright neglect. Again, thank you so much for doing this video, I got a breakthrough out of It! You are great at what you do!
I have CPTSD and I have been stuck in this exact cycle. I have never heard anyone relate the inner child and rage this way and it is so clearly truthful. Thank you, I want to get better because what I experience with rage is not simply an anger management issue. It's an unreleased bitterness that I attach to people and not myself. Thank you again for this video
Thank you very much!! Even though there can be truth in the dysfunction of current relationships, it is very helpful to be able to remove that as the primary focus. I found it refreshing to be able to claim responsibility for my own emotional journey as an adult without feeling like I was enabling my ex-partner to get away with anything. The more I can claim my own emotions separate from my ex, the better I feel. I can also reclaim my own power to care for myself while I address a core issue. You have been very helpful.
The problem in my case is that I've been failed by people that society says I should be able to trust (parents and school authorities to be exact) that it's sort of become "learned bitterness/anger/resentment".
I hear you. It is hard when people fail us. Empathy to you. Glad you connected with this video and thanks for responding. Good you are reaching out. If you haven't already subscribed please do. Also share this video with friends who may resonate. Thanks.
I think very highly of you and the passion you exude towards helping people understand themselves and thus, hopefully form more healthy relationships.
your videos have brought so much clarity that I didn't think was even possible.
I understand why I am the way I am, as opposed to not knowing who I was, why I experiencing the same painful patterns in relationships, why I always felt so defective and unloveable. thanks to your videos explaining attachment trauma, obsessive thinking, trauma mind, and many others, I am now at a place where the healing journey has begun. It's baby steps...but I have a sense of hope that I've never know before. Thank you for all that you're doing, Alan🙂🌻
I too since Alan have much more hope. He has made clarity for me that lets me know im on the right path to self healing. God bless his passion and brilliance.
I think I'll need to listen to this probably every day for a few weeks at least, till it starts to sink in. Really brilliant, ty so much!
Me too
Alan, thank you. I have no words for how life changing your videos have been. Everytime I am retriggered or looking to gain clarity, your videos are my first point of contact. I have learnt more here then I have in therapy.
Alan, i pray you are blessed with everything.
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
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Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
I listened to this over and over again and the truth of it finally sank in. Thank you. 🙏
Thankyou alan.i have that rage .to feel unknown by your family is so painful.that rage has been going on for years wiv my sister.i want to let go of it.
Wow...all I can say is wow. Im glad i found this video.
Yeah, I believe this is currently where I am emotionally. Each morning I wake up in a rage. And in my head I hear myself raging and cursing vehemently if I have to make a choice (especially food, showering or chores) I don't want to make. Am grateful that despite these occurrences I still do my 15 minute meditation, go to RUclips to hear whatever gospel song is in my spirit, journal or get ready for the exercise class for that day.
Hmmm, what does this polarity mean? My neglected, abandoned, willful, regressed child versus my self-caring adult? Are these mornings power struggles or smh, what? Any observations, thoughts, perspectives, comments, similar experiences, anyone? O.k. Alan listened to your suggestions all the way through. Raging at or against childhood needs not being met. Just for this moment I will pause, take what you said under advisement and allow it to marinate, ruminate and reach that empty, internalized space that will create spiritual and cellular change. I'm going to wait. And simultaneously go to RUclips to listen to What Shall I Do?
Hello. I am wondering if you ever found a solution. Your daily struggle sounds just like mine, as does your experience of also being a kinder gentler person and the method you use to center yourself and heal. The only difference is that the rage doesn't start right when I wake up.
I've had similar difficulties, when I have a goal I care about it helps.
Alan you are the real deal.... Every video, nail on the head!
At 75 I have the voice of experience. Alan R. has hit the nail on the head. I experienced blaming everyone for my unhappiness: society for lying to me about how to be happy, my parents for not listening to me, my husband for not talking to me. I call it anger that is deep seated in frustration. I went through the stages Alan is talking about and have come out on the other side knowing no one else is at fault. They did not understand what was happening and I can forgive them for neglect even if they are not here to receive that forgiveness.
Powerful comment. So glad this video deeply resonated for you. This type of reflecting is so important. We need to keep having conversations about the meaning of forgiveness. Thank you for commenting.
If you haven't already heard about it, I want to with you about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in conversations in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma
Hi Alan, I am concerned about relationships with family members in the past. How do I become a member of your Community Program and is there a fee?
I get very angry towards my parents, who were those who emotionally abused me when I was a child. I should give away from them but I can't right now. I am living waiting, avoiding them, in my bedroom, not talking with them. I can't resist long.
This is the one video I've found that has hit everything spot on for me.
I’m really angry 😡 although I’m a very nice sweet person but the reason I’m so angry is most people don’t understand me and make fun of the way I talk and walk due to my autism. Life is very difficult for people on the autistic spectrum.
Empathy to you. It is distressing and angering when people don't understand us. We can learn how to take care of ourselves by understanding the way we respond to attachment distress. Many of us have default responses to emotional disconnect. By understanding the different responses we can build understanding for ourselves and others. If you would like to learn more about attachment behaviors then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate the time you took to write ✍️ it.
You're welcome. Thanks for commenting and checking out the videos.
I feel angry and enraged when someone doesn't care about me or neglects me ...
I can understand.
I was abused as a child, I have worked on myself for years and thought I was doing better -until my new marriage. My wife is amazing and our relationship is healthy. I have noticed though, that sometimes if we have a disagreement, which is very rare, I yell and scream and talk about things that are not even relevant. They are from past. How do I not do this? I don’t do it all the time most of the time I’m calm but I don’t want to yell and scream at all.
Taking some time to cool off and writing out what you want to say so that you can calmly bring up what's bothering, how you feel and so on. I hope you're doing better. 👍🏿
@@Chill-mm4pn thanks for that advice.just a few weeks ago, I felt myself getting angry. This time, I didn’t yell, I went outside until o got myself together. Once I calmed myself, I was able to talk to my wife without yelling or screaming. I am very proud of myself and so is she. I’m going to keep at it until I can communicate all the time without yelling
Thank you for another in-depth message about developing healthy relationships with ourselves and others by addressing our past relationships.
I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Glad this is helpful. You're welcome.
This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video is fantastic and truly causes one to do some serious self- examination. It is also a key to why so many relationships are failing, marriages and families being destroyed. Projection is a terrible weapon not only used onto self - but onto others as well.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. I have had a rageful anger toward my mother for decades. I never feel anger toward anyone else with this kind of "rage". But the anger I have toward my mother is a result of her gaslighting me her whole life and NEVER coming clean. That is on top of her shallow depth as a person.
I’m sorry and hope you eventually come to terms with your anger and make amends with your mom
@@PraveenSrJ01 Thank you. At the moment, she and I are not even speaking. She told me that I have to "accept her as she is". I said never would I do that. That is me accepting abuse.
Mine partly stems from my dad admitting years later that he used to leave me to cry in my crib as a baby without coming in to check on me. Because he read some stupid parenting book that this was a good idea. He didnt do that for very long but the damage was done. Its why I get so enraged when people dont want to listen to me or make fun of my anger or sadness. Its why I cant stand any type of rejection.
I extremely profit from your channel. I was trying to do the trauma work alone because no therapist could really help. Now I found my guide/initiator and guidance, thank you!
Hello @Daniel, Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad they resonate with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I just want to say thank u, God bless u.
Im 43 and have been struggling with anger my whole life due to emotionally immature parents and an invalidating childhood experience. Ive made progress but now that my parents are elderly Im experiencing it again as their behavior is irritating and triggering. Thank you for this video.
I hear you. These dynamics sound like they can be challenging sometimes. Glad this video spoke to you.
I hear my kid getting so upset at everyone else and realize that while I have tried to do my best in raising him, my own issues have clouded my ability to connect and be present. CPTSD survivor here. I have to break my own story and be willing to try to break down his and take responsibility in 2 places at once - life is a lot some days. 😢 But maybe then, he doesn’t end up wearing my sh*^ for the rest of his life…let’s hope. I try so much harder than my own folks at being a parent but some days it isn’t enough.
Yes Alan, this is exactly how it was and exactly what I did to heal out of it!!!!! Bless you.. p.x
Thanks! your voice carries just enough weight with the right amount of humor, I can hear it. This one struck center.
I appreciate your support and thank you for the feedback. Glad this one struck a cord. Thanks again.
I'm so sad and filled with hopelessness. Open adopted as infant in 1948, father rarely acknowledged my presence or spoke to me(or my adopted younger brother). Mother self-involved. Today they would not have been approved for adoption. I've survived my entire life through distrust, lies and deceit about who I am in order to fit in to society. All "friends" were surface to me to fill loneliness. Born into rejection, and soon will pass this life in the same manner.
Too tired to keep up the charade, sick and disabled for 23 years with Systemic Sclerosis/Scleroderma, filled with deep sadness due to never having been able to selflessly love or even feel genuine emotion of love. As small child if 3 remember pulling away from adopted mother's attempt to hug. Why? Too late and life nearing the end. Never had ability to trust-anyone. As a want-to-be, claiming to be a born again Christian, even that-unable to trust God/Jesus, anyone. Fear and dread of eternity😧😤. God have mercy on me. Heal my son's and all those I've unintentionally hurt.
jtdb479 Ouch 😣
I like to define anger as confusion plus energy , and depression as confusion minus energy .
This is all so incredibly good, true and powerful. Bless you! Such needed words for today, it's such a shame they've (seemingly) been hidden for the previous generations that have needed them. Thank you for bringing them into the light to empower us :)
I appreciate your message. I have been burnt up by this very deep anger in me from being neglected and abused by my own mother.
Glad you like this video. Empathy to you. These are challenging dynamics especially when it deals with family. Glad you are reaching out for resources that are helpful for you.
"I have never loved or been loved the way that I needed to."
This is what I needed to say, and accept, alongside the fact that I've been really angry for a long time. Thank you! ❤️🥲😭
I hear you. It is buried in many of us. Empathy to us all. Glad this video resonates for you.
Also, since you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you SO MUCH for making these videos. I’ve been searching for knowledge on why and how my anger works, and this was EXACTLY what I needed.
💖💖
Thank you so much 😊
Glad to hear this content resonates and is of benefit for you. Good you are researching working with your anger. Thanks for your comment.
If you haven't heard about it, this is the type of content we explore in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community I welcome you joining us as a member.
Thank you so much for all of your videos. They have given me important insights into my pain and trauma.
Your talking about my biological mom that learned this from her mom and so on and so on. . It’s a learned behavior. Now that I understand and see everything and able to connect the dots I will not do this to my kids. It is making me a better and more emotionally available, accountable mother, woman and person.
Omgosh this video explained me right to the core!! Youve touched on everything Im finding out about me and Im thankful for this video. Im saving it to remind myself. Thanks again Alan!
It feels like the rage will never cease
I hear you. Sometimes it helps exploring challenging topics with others who are also learning. In the community, members can choose what to focus on and how long they need that focus. Members have reported learning quickly through the shared insights and discussions. Thanks for your comment.
There's hope...therapy
Alan, your videos have liberated me. I am thankful that you take your time to make these videos that impact people in such needed and positive way. Thank you! Thank you!
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful my videos are for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work.
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Thanks again for letting me know how helpful my work has been for you.
I think I have done the opposite (which is also bad) pretending like the abuse/neglect didn't bother me. Never blaming people when they deserve blame because I internalize all their abuse and make it my fault.
Empathy to you.
Same. I've just started isdtp, which is designed to show you how you're blocking your true feelings. I've been at it only a few weeks but I can finally really call what I went through abuse and I've cried. Still haven't got to the rage yet, but I can access a little anger for the first time.
@@mudskippa8958 sounds intense. I hope you have lots of success.
That video was really helpful as I met that rage in me over the last few days and was able to feel it and the people it was attached to and let it go without causing problems
Great to hear this is helpful. This is good awareness. Many of us can relate with this type of rage. Thanks for letting me know this is of benefit for you.
If this video is helpful and you'd like to dive deeper into what drives this behavior then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I watched this video year ago and liked it. Today after massive inner work I just love it! Sooo helpful!
How do I stop feeling rage at my father for treating me and my Mom so bad while I was growing up? He's now 71 and I have to look after him now that my mom passed. Can I ever stop feeling this? I get triggered constantly and I don't want to!! I want to let it go and live peacefully.
My inner self is definitely hurting and it is affecting my current relationship. Thank you for this very insightful message.
Glad this resonates for you. Thank you for your feedback. Please also share this video with friends/ others who may connect with it. Thanks.
My heart hasn't known love💔but I will fuel this rage rightfully
I cried watching this
Thanks for letting me know this is deeply moving. Glad this spoke to you.
This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are a highly skilled therapist. Thank you
Wow! This video is 4 years old! I needed it 3.5 years when my mom died, but I’m thankful to have it now. It’s affirming so much of the work I’ve already done and still doing to get out & stay out the loop.
Empathy to you. Grieving the loss of a parent takes time and attention. Grieving skills is a topic discussed in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Getting support from others who are also learning is helpful for many people. Join in on the community conversations www.alanrobarge.com/community. Good for you engaging this work and seeking out helpful resources. Glad you are reaching out.
Wow! This made so much sense. It wasn't about my ex's at all, it was all about MY anger. This made me see a lot about myself.
Very helpful information.
I had a sudden epiphany tonight and had just found this video. This broadcast is 100% spot on and answers so many questions for me on the rage and my story of my childhood. Thank you for this amazing insight. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for the kind words. Nice to hear this was helpful. Glad you are finding benefit from this content. Thank you for valuing my work and efforts.
For more content like this that goes into depth about our default behaviors, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
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You validated my feelings and held me accountable at the same time. In tears thankyou
For me it’s not about my partner. It’s about my mother. And years of extreme abuse and emotional neglect. I do feel rage because of how I was treated. But I also recognize the rage I have now is my own. I do want to tell the story of the abuse I suffered. Not to keep retelling it. I just want someone to know. I’m just tired of it being a secret. Is it really not about my mother? I understand it’s about me. And that I was never loved the way I needed too. Yes. Exactly. I guess I’m a little confused about why I’m not supposed to feel rage towards my mother?
Being stuck myself in such a loop of almost constant inner rage and anger for as long as I can care to remember, it helps somewhat hearing another describe it. Much of what you just said applies to me. Thank you for shining a light on it. Wish I could get all that old deep constant anger and resentment of my mind for good. That be nice.
But I can't. It's like mental vomiting. When it comes, it just comes and it drains me. It's become routine and almost like an addiction in itself.
Wow,I feel this exact same way to a T every single day. I’m constantly irritable & you’re right it is draining!! The littlest things set me off & I start reminiscing about my mom & get so furious, furious at her for being neglectful.
Another A.R video I’ll have to rewatch several times. Whew, the truth is hard to swallow.
Thank you SO much for this video. It brought a lot of insight that I can use, and that my husband and can use too. Haven't found a video like this at all, so thank you!!!!
the only youtube therapist who gets me, i love hearing your explanations!
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates for you. Please also share this video with friends who may like it. Help me spread the word. Thanks.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma oh, i definitely have been. thank you, Dr Robarge!
I so appreciate your approach to this, and have one important disagreement: though anger and rage energy are often seen together, rage energy can just be that energy needed for survival, or for someone else’s survival, like when you need that energy to lift a car off of someone. If you watch the experiments called neutral face, you can see the babies resort to rage energy before they get to that despairing hopelessness. I think with stored in the body after neglect or abuse as a child, it’s just that rage energy, often mistaken for anger. I also believe it’s 100% healable with EMDR
excellant. My issue isnt an x, but a current roomate. Once i gave in to that, everything you say translates. Thanks so much