Cptsd How to Stop Focusing on THEM & Focus on Yourself
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- Опубликовано: 25 апр 2021
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Have you ever watched a video where you were being told to stop focusing on the narcissist, the emotionally unavailable person and that you should do more focusing on yourself and you wondered how in the world can I do that? Now for anyone that has not undergone emotional manipulation to them that's super simple but to anyone that has that can feel like someone is asking you to do the impossible. Why is it so hard to focus on yourself? Why is it so hard to take the focus off the other person and put it on yourself. I remember when this was first told to me 'Michele just put your focus on yourself" and that's going to help you on your healing cptsd. And when I tried to put the focus on myself it was almost like hitting a brick wall in my mind, it was almost like I couldn't. I know that may sound weird but if you've undergone emotional manipulation (narcissistic abuse) for a long time in your life, especially if it started when you were young you're probably nodding your head right now. Let's normalize it - if you've lived life with an emotional abuser maybe the abuse is hidden, it's covert but regardless it is chronic and constant maybe with your parents, significant other, at work even bullying in school you basically were living life as if walking through a minefield.
#complexptsd #ptsdrecovery #emotionalhealing #narcissisticabuserecovery #lifeafternarcissism #cptsd #cptsdrecovery #emotionalabuse #healingtrauma
The damage that these demons inflict on us is just horrible! I pray for my healing and the healing of each and every person that reads this. God bless
Amen thankyou my prayers join yours ✌Peace all
Thank you! For you as well! ❤️
Thank you Janet. How kind of you. I wish you prayers and healing too, God bless! ❤️
Amen! Me as well! All the best for everyone!!
Aameen🤲🏼
If we do not respect ourselves we will attract people who will disrespect us. It is so very true. Thank you Michelle. I like listening to your soothing voice. Have a beautiful day.
At times certain types of people will still try to approach you regardless. But when you are healed/healing. You will not tolerate things that you have in the past. You will be willing to say no and stick to it. You will set boundaries, and you will not bend them, just to appease to someone else. It is not about who is supposedly attracted to you, but it's about how you respond to them. Have a blessed day/week.
Try to remember the person you was and own it,drink water and eat right, stay on your purpose,and stop the emotional thinking,you can be gas lighting yourself, think positive thoughts remove toxic people out of your life that dont serve you anything, work on you ,focus on yourself, even if its getting out and fishing,hiking ,nature walks, enjoy yourself when your out in having fun own it .
Excellent advice! Thanks! 🙏🤗🍎
@@lesleygarvs4640 your welcome
@@kirstenvogel9620 I'm glad 🙏
I was a baby bean
That's so interesting. A few months ago when I decided to let go of ruminating about them and just move forward and focus on all the things I needed to do, I noticed a wave of terror come over me. I immediately felt vulnerable.
The minute a person shows you they are evil let them be. Love yourself!! When you love yourself people respect you.
I went through this and still is; It feels stressful expressing myself at times but I still do.
Good for you for not giving up - the reality is it gets more uncomfortable before it gets better... but it does get better =)
@@FromSurvivingToThriving Thank you so much Michele
How's the journey going Sis?
I am one my journey too.
Yeah. They make you feel that way. They always try to crush your spirit or whatever. They pretend to be kind, sweet, and patient. But they are bullies in disguise.
I feel the same
Hi Michele, you’re doing god’s work. The govt. politics, education systems, mental health all stay silent on Npds
Agree. I discovered just the word "narcissist" when I was googling the behaviour of a wicked manipulative two timing Social Worker!! Its scary some of them are in our system! Then when I later left shaken traumatised after a "situationship" I took myself off to some talk therapy, and the word came up again, the councillor said he sounded narcissistic (bareing in mind I was still half covering up for him) and I suggested I do my own research on narcissim. Ever since Ive been doing my research and was also surprised to learn I was brought up in very Narcissistic environment, (and ppl would say forget your childhood and move on!) and now Im more aware how relevant it was with putting up and rose coloured glasses on narcissim because I became so accustomed to it. Still finding extremely difficult to find good people and relationships that dont break down. In the meantime I still feel so scared and traumatised Im keeping away from most people until I find (safer) people to associate with, but I fear Im so broken, healthy people wouldnt want to associate with me (drawn to me) anyways, but Ive been "hurmit'izing" for a very long time, but when I have courage again I will be looking out for relationships that treat me with more respect hopefully, but still somewhat doubt my judgement. .. thanks for listening, Ive waffed on..
Don’t forget the Church…it’s like no one in the church I used to go to had any clue. I had to leave to protect my emotional well being.
YES
1. Calm your nervous system. Start your day with breathing, meditation, reprogramming, healthy food, humming 2. Observing yourself, notice your feelings and thoughts. These 2 solutions need time.
My Christian circle dont undetstand that people like this exists and encourage me to hold on to a person who wants to erase me from his life
I'm going through the same thing. My group thinks am not praying enough.
Just talk to God about everything when it comes to your life. People are just people, they can't take the place of God. They will not understand a lot of things. God knows everything. He always have your best interest, and He will never steer you in the wrong direction.
Telling someone to stop thinking about the toxic person especially when still trauma bonded and going through a discard or even shortly after is definitely not helpful and extremely difficult to do. I was told the same thing. Yes we definitely need to get ourselves to a calm and safe stage first to be able to start healing.
Try hot bath with salt and green juices... You ll feel soo good in the present time, your mind will forget about the past and start enjoying the present... Also any type of grooming... Massages, manicures, wear make up, flirt with yourself in the mirror and act happy... Tell to yourself:my new life has began... Don t see negative news or movies, and receive only positive people who make you laugh... Boring people... No💆♂️😁🍎🤗
I was not consciouss of how much attention i put on other people s lives, or tasks... No wonder I had no power to my own life or tasks. I was and still am usually tired... Yes, of course, I am focusing on things that nobody see or care... That s what narcissists do to us... Make us always worried, checking each detail to perfection to give them pleasure... And forgetting our own pleasure and life.. I didn t notice it at all... Now for the first time I wanted to pipi and first it felt urgently, but then it felt normal... Before i had to go just anywhere to discharge nervous nervous... This is a great sign of my body already regulating its functions, as with narcissists... You can not even go to the toilet in peace! 🤦♀️💆♀️
It's so hard for me to focus on myself. I know that I really need to, but it's very hard at the same time
Keep dreaming of him. I keep praying that God will help me release him from my body and mind. It's been 9 mos no contact. (a few hoover's 4 mos ago). Yesterday I was angry and told God I'm tired if this. This morning I got up and prayed for help again. It's one day at a time.
@Child of Christ I couldn't find him. i looked.
A little over 10 months out from a 2.5 year manipulationship, and me too.. you aren’t alone. Still struggling with emotional flashbacks and ruminating. Almost daily someone will say something and I get a memory from when I was with him. People say I just need to let go. Believe me, if there was a switch, I would’ve already flipped it 🤦🏼♀️ it’s more frustrating and annoying for us than it is for the people who have to hear us reminisce... you are not alone on this journey 🙏🏻💪🏻💜
Look up prayers to break ungodly unloving “soul ties” which are trauma bonds and you will be free! I prayed with a friend who just divorced after 18 years of a dysfunctional marriage and she said she feels healed and forgives her captor etc. Pray out loud it works!
Just block and delete him, and press forward with your life. Nine months isn't that long. You are going to have to give yourself sometime. But definitely blocking and deleting him from your phone, and removing yourself from Facebook, Instagram, and things of that nature will help.
@@ruthchristos7174 Forgive yourself and focus on healing. Why be mad at yourself? Stop looking at the past. Thank God for bringing you out of it, heal, share what you learned about narcicisstic personality disorder with other individuals, and thrive. At this point in life you are only hurting yourself, by replaying the situation, pain, and hurt they inflicted onto you over and over on your mind and heart. You are a winner. You are a conqueror, and you WILL win. Speaking and claiming victory over yourself is the only way that you will win in Jesus name. Knowing that you are loved by God, and that you have the victory, is the only way that you WILL win in Jesus name.
Emotional abuse is defined by the intentional inflictetion of pain and suffering on on another person' indangering there Emotional well being im getting the silent treatment from someone I adore ❤
Radical Acceptance And Realistic Expectations, what Compassionate Advice would you Offer a Loved one in such a circumstance as you find yourself in at this Moment?? Also to Investigate What core "probably false" Beliefs are being triggered in you By this & where did they originate???
Why do you adore someone cruel to you? I know, this person is so undercover... It s imperceptable to feel their poison... You ll always be guessing if it s true or not what you are feeling... My ex boyfriend... I still somehow have doubts if he was a narcissists... Yet the little hints he gave, his lifestyle, and the way I felt around him, that s it! Run while you can, as they drive you crazy... And you don t even notice the poison comes from them... 💆♂️🤦♀️🏃♀️🚽
I don’t care intentional or unintentional it’s wrong especially Im if they keep doing it!
Its hard when its your mom. I keep myself secluded in my home but she calls me with her problem I try my best to keep my mouth shut. Its hard when your mom gives everything for everyone else except for you. Its hard when she always want to be the hero for everyone else and complains about how many problems she has. I try to focus on myself but when my dad need moral support because he is about to lose a job an got injured and she don't even know how to listen. Its hard been empathetic. And you can't even talk to your only sister because she's very close to your mom and says yes to everything my mom says because she lives with them rent free with her three boys. Its hard.
Because you have to leave all of them behind! 🏃♀️... All that you are talking... It s too much for you... These people don t like solutions... They like drama... Reason why your efforts to create or find peace and harmony turns into pain... You are just being their supplement... I know is so sad, yet when you are out... You understand how unfair they are to make you even slightly believe that all their chaos has something to do with you... They gave me all these toxic guilt even as a child... Now I finally see that if someone get injured, od your dad loses his job... That s his problem, not yours... If there would be something realistic you could do... These people always have bad luck... And even worse bring you bad luck... So run away... And clean and forget and start a new life... People who remind you traumas, negativity, drama... Simply kick them out... As they are trying to sabotage your efforts to a normal life... Normal life exists... Far from these scumbags... 🏃♀️🚮💣🚽
I so understand you...i go through the same thing...
@@lesleygarvs4640 oh my Goodness thank you! You have confirmed my dream last night. I was going to travel some where with family. They went ahead of me but I felt soooooo free and happy and felt it was finally time to enjoy my life. Than as I was going up the stairs my parents where on the way blocking me while they were arguing about something petty. Your very much correct 👏 👌 👍 I have told my husband that we need to move at least an hour away. We live 5min drive from their home biggest mistake I could of done honestly we bought our house. But it's true it is sad like you said because my dad whose raised me since I was nine has always been there for me but he needs to have courage and do he's own thing. I am not responsible for anyone's emotions or actions. Thank you!
@@jovannawacheleski2630... Mmm.. Could it be at least 2 hours away...😁🏃♀️...all the best!!!
YOUR best resource is in wait for you to gain your independence from them & thrive in ur own way that doesn't include them. Doing so will cause their harmony to waiver & they will try to cause you harm again til you break the Famdamnly cycle.
I am in this war right now. I'm having to adjust my thinking while I'm living with my N parent. But I have to get out of that flight or fight feeling
I am so happy and grateful that you touched upon this topic, Michelle. For someone who can't afford therapy, this is sooo helpful ! I am still married to a malignant covert narcissist and taking care of myself is like charging myself before I get drained at the end of the day:) I cherish every moment that I am not around him , by just being myself. Oh and that humming just does the trick! Thank you😘🌸
My heart ached reading your words. I am so so sorry for what you are having to endure. I am the adult child of 2 narcissistic parents and I know to torture involved. Irene Lyon has fantastic free resources on her website. I wish you the very best on your healing journey, my experience of healing is it was very intense, very painful and very difficult and at time very hard to stay alive and it eventually gets easier and fun xxx
Is there no way that you can divorce him?
I've lived like this my whole life.
Wow. This makes so much sense. I haven’t focused on me in a long time. And I notice what I miss most is loving him. He didn’t love me, but I felt like I made him happy & seem to be addicted to that.
I totally get the part where you can kind of feel everyone else's emotional state, but just get blank when trying to feel your own. It takes a lot of work and practice to actively focus on what's going on inside oneself before it slowly starts to become the new default. Thank you for another great video Michele! Your tips has been very helpful and a big part of my recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse!
yes, because for the longest time, you’re not allowed to feel your own thoughts, all the gaslighting!
Being what everyone demands of me and needing my loved ones acceptance has been my identity since my teenage years. It’s terrifying to focus on myself, because it feels like I’m letting go of my loved ones and I need to always focus on fighting for them and the relationship. After a while, after a relationship ends, I’m able to enjoy self love and care but it takes time. And once im in contact with anyone, even in a new relationship that isn’t abusive, I get anxious and feel im not enough if I self care. And so the cycle repeats itself. Although I don’t tolerate abuse, I still stay and try to work through it beyond saving. Im just realizing this after twenty years- my fear of self love and care while in a dynamic with another person. My fear of losing them trumps loving myself.
The minefield analogy really hit home. On an unrelated note, I really wish I could hug you.
Just today I was thinking how hard it is to forget all these people... And it s what you say, the abuse was so intense, it created a wound, or an infection, even phisically in my case, so patience is so important... Thank you, Michelle for being an inspiration, and your constant efforts!
🙏🤗❤️
That tangled path analogy reminds me of a recurring dream I'd have years ago of clearing a path through a thickly reeded swamp (and building an elevated path behind me). Probably the very same theme.
Moral of the story, intuition prevails.
We don't disconnect due to other people's awareness and opinions.
We trial the facts in order to see what works. And when it works we better know it.
Wives tales are bluffs. 🙏
It’s psychological control often through the mind control of the brain/behavior studies.
Been struggling, just woke up to a myriad of flashbacks 😣 thanks for the pertinent info 🖤
I'm at that point right now
Fight with in myself what I try to do is work out ( if I feel I'm going there in my head ) I grab a set of dumbbells
Most of the time it works
Try hot bath... Or sea bath... Also nice...
I love her advice as she had really experience what she is talking about. The best advice for victims are from victims themselves and i can so attune to her.
Jesus this is speaking to me right now, not perfect but the things I’ve been through I’m stuck in flight or fight mode 🤦🏿♂️
💞🌻Thanks to People Like Yourself
I do feel more Peace and Sense of Safety than I could've ever imagined was possible, even in moments of Distress.
Great advice Michele 👌
It’s a step by step process of self discovery where our nerves are calmed in a safe and caring way. Sometimes you gotta feel it to heal it, meaning it hurts initially peeling off the bandaid but then it feels soooo much better. The short term pain is worth the long term gain of self Respect & Freedom ♥️
Not sure if you or RUclips deleted your other comment. But, definitely agree with standing up for yourself and holding firm boundaries.
I feel like you climbed into my body to make this video. I remember even when I very first started seeing a therapist, my mind literally interpreted her as an enemy. Which I knew meant, I was doing the right thing. This is so painful to accept and process.
Even if i appreciate all I've learned by making sense of hell i still miss parts of my old self. How much life and light he had, how he looked and the many chances and opportunities he had.
Oh jeez. 😳🥺 The pitbull with rabies analogy is spot on !!! 🙌💕👍
Only reason I am here - Michelle ❤️😉
So true, we have to learn how to read ourselves and our emotions, thoughts. But calming the nervous system is so hard. It's pure nightmare but worth every effort. Thank you for your channel. 🙏🎆👏
You're an absolute angel! Thank you so much!
You are an angel.
This exactly what I am going through it feel I am too focused on other people's lives
This is such a great topic and some brilliant advice here about focussing on your body. I found that focussing on the emotions in my body using a mixture of Claire Week's float theory and David Hawkin's Letting Go technique really helped me recover. Moving away from thoughts and onto feelings. Breaking the cycle of prefrontal cortex rumination. 💜
This video could not have come at a better time 🙏
Wow, that metaphor with the mine field hit so close to home for me. Nothing ever made this so clear to me. Thank you very much. Great video!
The subconscious does not understand negation. Saying stop thinking about is heard as think about. I studied hypnotherapy a while back I think it's called pharsing. Don't remember the jargon. But I can tell you for sure there is a need to reframe speech patterning to avoid using negation to elicit action.
I agree 👏
Damian Neve I remember learning about that many years ago and it makes sense too. 🙂
You look so pretty! Love that color on you 🤩
Wendy Thomas I was thinking exactly the same thing and didn't like to write it! I love the background as well. 😍
Thank you for this video, it's really enlightening. That bit about being able to read what other people are feeling when you walk into a room but not understanding your own feelings as much makes a lot of sense. And on an unrelated note, the top you're wearing is a lovely colour! ☺️
I completely relate. Started with parents, bullied and tormented through out childhood and I ended up in DV situations. I have been in a constant state of fight or flight mode my entire existence. I am 52 now and honestly am surprised I am still alive given my stress lvls.
This is great Michelle! We need more people bringing awareness that this is a thing, normalizing it and providing solutions!! 👏🏾 👏🏾 Thank you for focusing on your purpose and doing the work!!! ❤
Yes, the video is great...i have listened to you since some time..but now i realizing how eye opening are your videos...i exactly like what you describe cannot focus on myself...
Thank you for this video. I appreciate your videos very much.
☺ brilliant Michelle thankyou for putting the info together so concisely its hard succinct thinking on these things with the way that cptsd affects the brain. Much love for ur great work compassionate & insightfully done as always xx
Michelle has nailed it , and her soothing presence makes the message much more affecting.
So sick of living in my head instead of in my body...
💯 I try to walk where there's trees and grass as much as possible
Michelle really knows what it's about,
To not only be abused by Narcissistic people, Michelle really understands truly understands being an Empath/HSP, like no other I've heard, is really Genuine & is a true gift to us all,
Thankyou so much for sharing yourself with us all we are very Blessed by you to learn ourselves through you,
Bless you always Michelle 🙌❤
Great video Michele!
What a brilliant video thanks so much Michele x
Amazing amazing insight!
I find you one of the better 'experts' on this subject because I like how you focus more on moving forward and getting a new life. Like many I was in an abusive 5 1/2 year relationship with a Female Covert Narcissist, Cluster B...yes fun times ! Wasted enough time on her now I want to focus on me, so thanks for putting out these type of clips.
So appreciate you Michele
Your videos are so healing to my soul and spirit Michele. I'm feeling more centered and grounded today.
This is so incredibly helpful and healing, tysm. I love the analogy of the overgrown path. 🙏🏽🦋
Thank you for this video
Yes YES, The minefield example makes it wonderfully clear to me. 😍
This is truly helpful information.
You are really good at this.
Brilliant video , thank you.
Another thing that was a great help to me was to study polyvagal theory.
The information in this video is reassuring me 🌹🌹🌹
Lovely to know This. Its 'encouraging... And really going to help us Heal 🙏.
Thank you Michelle 🌹🙏🙏💕💕
luv the line living yr life authentic n best self I m trying
Thanks🌹That explains a lot.
I started doing this for 2 days. And it fells like going insane.
Oh wow. I found this video while looking for a song to help me deal with something lol, but this was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!
Sterling piece of effort. What you are telling is so useful
Unhealed CPTSD can cause narcissism. Actually, narcissist are traumatized children who suffered from CPTSD, and are now narcissistic adults.
Thanks Michele
My take is that feeling safe is the main ingredient of a no contact recipe. All can recall the health deprivation during a stint in narc subjugation. It would be no different after being in a car accident & requiring safe driving as the pilot or passenger. Many of life experiences are logically rooted and is totally understandable. No need to doubt it from questioning it being a reasonable concern. The fear based decision dissipates and becomes logic.
Great video.. great advice. But..a warning about those candles behind you in that shelf. DON'T DO THAT! A friend of mine lost her house to a fire doing that. The candle caused the shelf above it to get hot enough to catch fire.
Thanks for caring =D the good thing is they aren't real!! I totally get how dangerous that would be!
You looking great in this colour..thanks for this video
BEAUTIFUL and amazing
The minefield is so relatable!
Pay no attention to the elephant in the room, even if he's wearing a pink tutu and singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips. Hey, might help when they are lying, smearing, and raging to imagine them this way, so you can laugh at the toddler throwing his/her fit in the floor.
Love this lol!!!
Awesome 😎 hack! I’ve been laughing at their ridiculous behaviors (ie, virtue signaling) and not tolerating the destructive behaviors.
👌😁
Words and activites can have some feature of "how do i do this". So when i do a you tube hynosis or meditation im slowing down the central nervous system and increase parasympathetic nervous system. The narc is 6feet away but no biggy cause when she tries to interact i use Ross Rosenberg's observe don't absorb. She know i will process any verbalizations she makes and if it takes longer than she thinks it should. She will say something. I will then reframe the situation and verbalize that "i'm not you". Which is helpful because she lacks object constancy. If she asks again she will get the same reaction from me ("i am not you"- that could be used as michelles broken record technique). It may help her increase her cognitive empathy. She then will increase her own ability to filter her thought before she just says them. It would be aversive if she repeated her question or said why are you still thinking. She will hear " i'm not you". I use these words because narcs think everyone is their possession. They own you. So she had heard this so many times that it can become an introject. I couldn't tell you if it will be or is egosyntonic (not emotionally foreign or negative\emotionally painful or egodystonic (emotionally foreign and possible painful emotionally).
I 💘 the color of your shirt. It's between pink and light purple.
Really I concentrate on myself and not others and others should have own interests we are all unique.( like food tastes, how we spend money, interests etc, We all think different
I was only talking about this, today.
Could you do a video on how to do this while still having to live with the narc? How would we go about focusing on us while still being abused if we can not leave , so that we can get healthy enough to leave if we have to get healthy first before going because we can’t work and are being financially abused .
Focus on your you today ! I've had to stop focusing and start in unfocusing ! A very pretty young girl are in danger of others focusing on any false move you make to make that move on you ! No matter what age from 8 to 88 years old ! As long as you escaped alive and only trauma affected you is like what happened to Dorothy on the yellow brick road vs the wicked witch of the West !!!😀
Ive developed a verbal thing. I clear my throat all the time. I hate it. I hate who I am today. I can't focus on anything. I want to leave so bad.
i hope things get easier for you soon. sending you love!
Michelle 😩 since I was a toddler
A little baby bean
I feel like I cannot escape it anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy it is so so exhausting
God bless you.
Just pamper yourself... Manicures💅(specially if they told you your hands are not pretty, wear bracelets and everything possible to show love and respect to what they wanted to damage... Or if they criticised your hair, love your hair... Groom it with a lovely, romantic color... And so on.
To calm down, I also feel useful hot salt bath at home, or at the beach... And green juices (chlorella, spirulina powder, etc), or from supermarket(apple, celery, parsley, etc)... These juices remove the heavy toxines from your system, left from long time over excited brain throwing cortisol and adrenaline and creating damages to your organs...
And go to safe places, move to a safe town or neighborhood where you feel great!
And avoid new malignant people, even on youtube..
you so beautiful smart and kind😌
My Momma tells me this, but I have a hard time with it.
No comment baby 📡
😊
When my children are with their Narcissistic Father, I have difficulty staying focused on myself. How do I do this?
Hi Michelle, is the upcoming workshop online? I can't seem to locate the link in the site
Hi Michele, how do I get in contact with you as your contact page on your website isn’t working. Wanted to enquire about the workshop I paid for for May, I haven’t received any updates regarding workshop time and have been searching my emails but can’t find the confirmation email. Thank you!
Maybe next week. 😆🙄🤦🏻♂️
Its call co- dependency...
Hello Michele, is there any way to contact you? I couldn't find any email or other contact on any of your web sites. I have question re programme.
I came here searching why I can't focus around other people at all. Any advice? ...