Thank you and the team sooo much for your clear honesty. Dday for this particular offense was almost a year ago. I've been watching your content for 3 months and I am thankful. While the contiual justification, defense and blaming is disheartening, AR has given me hope for my future. The videos have been a blessing. I've learned how to articulate my hurt in a lower tone and understand why I have an UH. My healing is taking place. Betrayal is the hell, but I can't wait to see the healed me, on the other side!
We need help to get through this, the trauma is beyond what I can do on my own and come out whole... but my husband doesn't think counseling is necessary and that he will just be berated by a counselor for his infidelity. Do you ever see spouses go into an EMS mostly against their will and still con out benefiting from it?
YES and they do wonderfully. just because they aren't 'willing' doesn't mean they won't benefit a tremendous amount. many betrayed want their spouse to be passionately go to an ems weekend or what not, and that's just not realistic. most just won't but they will come. it's a trap. don't fall prey to it as the betrayed can be sucked into a sense of pride and self righteousness like 'they need to want to come.' well, sure they do, but they are not that healthy yet and are not at that point in their own recovery. they are not there yet friend. it's unrealistic. i hope that's palatable.
Wow, #3 is where I've been, some light, but hurt and bitter. I know I have no right to stay stuck there, I see beauty and kindness every day. This gives me hope and is inspiring. It is a choice, at some point a choice. I see that better through this, thank you.
StankyJuju 11:11 Perfectly normal. See if you can attend an intensive or do one online for Betrayed Spouses. New Life has one called, Restore. EMDR Therapy is great for Betrayal Trauma
Hello Sam! May I be so bold as to ask for a little guidance as I would GREATLY appreciate it. It’s been over 7 Months since discovery for me. I am currently trying to get past my anger with my wife but I am struggling. My struggles spawn from the fact that my wife continues to take ownership of her affair one week and then tell me that there was no affair because she feels like that there was no betrayal on her behalf because there was no sexual encounter. (Emotional affair) This has happened several times. She refuses to take any ownership or do any kind of recovery work as a result. She is also struggling threw her own demons with hating her own body since the birth of our daughter, feeling as she has lost herself and her own identity being the main care giver to our daughter and most recently the lost of her mother whom she was closer to than words can explain. I’m trying my best to be patient and give her as much space as I can to grieve for her loss and work threw her issues. I’ve just been so concerned for her and her well-being, probably far too much so as I’ve made her journey my focus. My struggle with letting go of my hatred stem from the previously mentioned as well as her constant attacks and disrespect towards me. She looks at me with such venom and hatred an treats me as most would treat someone who has cheated and betrayed her, though in this scenario I am the betrayed spouse. Every time I feel like I might be in a place where I might be able to let go of a little of this rage she treats me in a way that brings me right back. I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve always tried own those mistakes and put her and my family 1st before everything. How can I move forward? Do I need to wait until she actually comes to a realization of what her choices have done to me, our marriage and family or can I do something to takes steps for myself for my own healing? I’m just at a lost and confused at what I am and should be doing. Thank you, your vlogs have been a source of understanding and clarity for me thus far and I know they will continue to do so for a long time to come. I am so very GREATFUL!!!
hi there. thanks for the kind words and encouragement. i'm sorry for the mess that you're walking through. i would consider using these two resources to drawing some boundaries and asking her to get help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if she gets to say no and there are no consequences to her behavior and refusal to get help, there isn't going to be much change at all my friend. if you're truly ready to draw some boundaries, then i would tell her that you need help and want help and are demanding that she agree to get help. if not, then you're willing to do x, y and z. if she refuses still, then you'll need to implement the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries. does that make sense?
It does thank you, I’ve watched that vlog of yours as well...why does that sound creepy and stockerish??? 😂 We actually are currently in couples therapy. But any time I have asked her to put in any kind of recovery work she refuses. (Watching your vlogs, talking about our situation etc) Making claim that she has too much going on within herself with her inner demons and the loss of her Mother. Perhaps that is why she denies the infidelity, I’m really mot sure to be honest. I am having trouble with what those consequences could be as she doesn’t seem to care about anything or anyone else but herself. At the same time I want to be courteous, understanding and respectful in regards to her personal issues that she is dealing with. For me this compiles the issue in making a decision to what those consequences could be for us. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. The more I try to give her that time to grieve and work threw her issues the more she attacks me, creates even more distance and hurt. Am I wrong in doing so? Am I setting myself up for even more heartache? Or am a just an idiot for be as concerned as I am? Thank you for replying and taking time out of your day for me. I imagine you must be incredibly busy and I very much appreciate it.
@@docproc808 in this situation, the more you push, the more she is going to pull away i bet. so pulling back, doing what you need to do and leaving room for her to do her own recovery work is key. creating your own ambivalence may also work well . here are a few videos on ambivalence that may work well for you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent
@@samshealingpodcast Believe it or not, hearing (or reading More like) you say this really does bring a certain level of peace and relief to me. Your insight on infidelity has always resonated with me, it really does mean a lot. Again thank you for taking time out of what I'm sure is a crazy schedule to reply to me. I'm so very grateful. Wish me luck!!
Thank you and the team sooo much for your clear honesty. Dday for this particular offense was almost a year ago. I've been watching your content for 3 months and I am thankful. While the contiual justification, defense and blaming is disheartening, AR has given me hope for my future. The videos have been a blessing. I've learned how to articulate my hurt in a lower tone and understand why I have an UH. My healing is taking place.
Betrayal is the hell, but I can't wait to see the healed me, on the other side!
We need help to get through this, the trauma is beyond what I can do on my own and come out whole... but my husband doesn't think counseling is necessary and that he will just be berated by a counselor for his infidelity. Do you ever see spouses go into an EMS mostly against their will and still con out benefiting from it?
YES and they do wonderfully. just because they aren't 'willing' doesn't mean they won't benefit a tremendous amount. many betrayed want their spouse to be passionately go to an ems weekend or what not, and that's just not realistic. most just won't but they will come. it's a trap. don't fall prey to it as the betrayed can be sucked into a sense of pride and self righteousness like 'they need to want to come.' well, sure they do, but they are not that healthy yet and are not at that point in their own recovery. they are not there yet friend. it's unrealistic. i hope that's palatable.
Wow, #3 is where I've been, some light, but hurt and bitter. I know I have no right to stay stuck there, I see beauty and kindness every day. This gives me hope and is inspiring. It is a choice, at some point a choice. I see that better through this, thank you.
you're very welcome. i'm so glad you found the vlog and are here.
Thank you so much
you're very welcome my friend.
This is where I am right now...I’m scared I will stay there because he is still with her
But what if you are not with that person. Its been 3 years since the affairs and I feel there are more since disclosure 2 years ago and I'm stuck.
StankyJuju 11:11 Perfectly normal. See if you can attend an intensive or do one online for Betrayed Spouses. New Life has one called, Restore.
EMDR Therapy is great for Betrayal Trauma
Where can I get info on the EMS werlend?
+CrimsonDove37 - here you go: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Hello Sam! May I be so bold as to ask for a little guidance as I would GREATLY appreciate it. It’s been over 7 Months since discovery for me. I am currently trying to get past my anger with my wife but I am struggling. My struggles spawn from the fact that my wife continues to take ownership of her affair one week and then tell me that there was no affair because she feels like that there was no betrayal on her behalf because there was no sexual encounter. (Emotional affair) This has happened several times. She refuses to take any ownership or do any kind of recovery work as a result. She is also struggling threw her own demons with hating her own body since the birth of our daughter, feeling as she has lost herself and her own identity being the main care giver to our daughter and most recently the lost of her mother whom she was closer to than words can explain. I’m trying my best to be patient and give her as much space as I can to grieve for her loss and work threw her issues. I’ve just been so concerned for her and her well-being, probably far too much so as I’ve made her journey my focus. My struggle with letting go of my hatred stem from the previously mentioned as well as her constant attacks and disrespect towards me. She looks at me with such venom and hatred an treats me as most would treat someone who has cheated and betrayed her, though in this scenario I am the betrayed spouse. Every time I feel like I might be in a place where I might be able to let go of a little of this rage she treats me in a way that brings me right back. I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve always tried own those mistakes and put her and my family 1st before everything. How can I move forward? Do I need to wait until she actually comes to a realization of what her choices have done to me, our marriage and family or can I do something to takes steps for myself for my own healing? I’m just at a lost and confused at what I am and should be doing. Thank you, your vlogs have been a source of understanding and clarity for me thus far and I know they will continue to do so for a long time to come. I am so very GREATFUL!!!
hi there. thanks for the kind words and encouragement. i'm sorry for the mess that you're walking through. i would consider using these two resources to drawing some boundaries and asking her to get help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if she gets to say no and there are no consequences to her behavior and refusal to get help, there isn't going to be much change at all my friend. if you're truly ready to draw some boundaries, then i would tell her that you need help and want help and are demanding that she agree to get help. if not, then you're willing to do x, y and z. if she refuses still, then you'll need to implement the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries. does that make sense?
It does thank you, I’ve watched that vlog of yours as well...why does that sound creepy and stockerish??? 😂 We actually are currently in couples therapy. But any time I have asked her to put in any kind of recovery work she refuses. (Watching your vlogs, talking about our situation etc) Making claim that she has too much going on within herself with her inner demons and the loss of her Mother. Perhaps that is why she denies the infidelity, I’m really mot sure to be honest. I am having trouble with what those consequences could be as she doesn’t seem to care about anything or anyone else but herself. At the same time I want to be courteous, understanding and respectful in regards to her personal issues that she is dealing with. For me this compiles the issue in making a decision to what those consequences could be for us. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. The more I try to give her that time to grieve and work threw her issues the more she attacks me, creates even more distance and hurt. Am I wrong in doing so? Am I setting myself up for even more heartache? Or am a just an idiot for be as concerned as I am? Thank you for replying and taking time out of your day for me. I imagine you must be incredibly busy and I very much appreciate it.
@@docproc808 in this situation, the more you push, the more she is going to pull away i bet. so pulling back, doing what you need to do and leaving room for her to do her own recovery work is key. creating your own ambivalence may also work well . here are a few videos on ambivalence that may work well for you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent
@@samshealingpodcast Believe it or not, hearing (or reading More like) you say this really does bring a certain level of peace and relief to me. Your insight on infidelity has always resonated with me, it really does mean a lot. Again thank you for taking time out of what I'm sure is a crazy schedule to reply to me. I'm so very grateful. Wish me luck!!
@@docproc808 you're very kind. thank you for the encouragement my friend. be strong.