I ended things with my Avoidant in January after two years. I had to get into therapy because I became extremely anxious toward the end. His push pull, never meeting my needs, only spending time with me on scheduled days, choosing playing video games and hanging out with his son 5 nights a week was just too much for me. This man is 53 years old who has a heart of gold, and dotes on me when we are together-but it was the space in between that I couldn’t handle anymore. We reconciled a few weeks ago and after learning he is an avoidant I just sat back and let things this go round happened at a different pace and had zero expectations. After 6 weeks I set a boundary and was told it was too much drama and pressure. I was also offered the friend card. Sometimes we just need to walk away and REFUSE the friend card so we can move on and finally heal. If they cannot be introspective and get the help that they need to address their core wounds then regardless of how we THINK we can handle it the same thing will keep happening. I loved this man with all my heart and will never be able to grasp how he claimed to love me just the same but was and is not willing to even meet me halfway. It will always be about them, what they need, what they want, what they need first. Even the most securely attached person will become anxious at some point because of all of the behaviors. We stay because we love them. We stay because we have hope that if we love them enough they will change. My hope is to anyone who is reading this know that their behaviors having nothing to do with us-it’s their trauma that needs to be addressed. We can choose to address why we choose to stay and address our trauma-but if they don’t do the work it will just get worse.
Yes same here sounds like the same man we were together 2 years at first it was beautiful I said lord thank you. And then the mask fell he is 100%avodent I showed up and I understood him so I was there for him and guess what I got bread crumbs well in my case bird seeds.i am secure but I stayed triggered and anxious it started to effect my heath so last month I walked away when you give all you can and you know your worth and they don't it's time to go my God did not make no fool good luck to him because at 59 and every woman he had left including his wife he will need it.
And I will also add that my ex avoidants son is 30 YEARS OlD and they play video games and board games everyday for 5-7 hours daily. That is his priority. Unreal.
@@islandwendeevogt6621 why be with any man that plays games for 5-7 hours a day? How a man, an adult spends the majority of their productive hours will tell you a lot about the core values of the man. I'd see spending an unholy amount of time in leisure activity - unless he's retired, independently wealthy and has made his money, or a pro gamer as a gigantic red flag. It's not always fair or right, but sometimes you have to look at your own willingness to accept sus behavior as contributing to the downfall of this relationship. There are no victims in many relationships. Only willing participants
When I was doing research on attachment theory and debating whether to get back with my ex, I read a comment on Reddit that snapped me to reality. Someone was asking “ Do you believe in the "if they wanted to, they would"?” And this comment was the perfect response “ I stopped overthinking it. It doesn't matter WHY they aren't showing up for me. Only that they aren't. I can make excuses for people, or I can just realize they don't have the capacity to be in relationship with me and that's ok”
How I dealt with the push & pull of this type of relationship & my confusion with it was, firstly, I love this person deeply & I know we are all flawed to a degree in some manner, but the main thing I had to place in the forefront of my mind was that it wasnt so much what they did or said because Im also reacting emotionally firstly but "What am I willing to accept". That also helped me stop bringing up what was bothering me which was pushing them away feeling I was criticisng them. And No, sometimes Love isnt enough sadly. But I reckon its worth the chance even if it falls short. Peace
I agree. Love is powerful but it's not enough. I have found myself in relationships with men that I genuinely loved and they claimed to love me. It's possible that they really did but when I look back, I can see that my love was unmatched bc of their poor mental health that they refused to acknowledge or get proper help for. At the end of the day, you can't combat that in a healthy way. You're not playing on even grounds. So that person feels loved and replenished from your presemce while you experience constant depletion. You can't remain healthy and grounded under those conditions.
I am securely attached and I see fearful avidants as the most beautiful people. They feel too much and were hurt so much so they guard their hearts. If you truly love them for who they are, understand them, are patient enough to go through their tests, love them with no expectations, you will get their love back and it’s a beautiful kind of love. Much love to all ❤
Lol love isn’t a chore it should just flow no one should ever have to bend over backwards for someone love isn’t a test if someone wants to do tests with me they can be single 👌
@@stevieberisha561 it should flow, but real love is unconditional so you love the soul despite of the defenses and the fear. You love their core and real love is compassionate so it would allow you to understand why they test you out of fear. Once they feel safe, they will pour into you and give you their all. Might not be in the traditional ways, but it will be magical. They could be very creative and will find ways to show you their love 💕
@@meriamgirgis8266 no thanks there to much effort I’m not going to sit there breaking down defenses when these cowards run and ghost people they don’t deserve 1 bit of empathy if anything there very similisr to a cover narcissist no body should have to play games or manipulate behaviours to get there partner to open up it’s called therapy your partners not your therapist hard enough being in a relationship let alone this bs on top
@@stevieberisha561 hey imagine if you were born and raised to be avoidant and heard ppl talk about you like that, knowing you have no choice of how you feel or react to situations. But I guess ppl like you only listen to your feelings without thought. Love yourself and keep yourself safe. Hopefully you reincarnate as avoidant to feel the hell
Yes! This a thousand times! I dealt with someone like this and finally I realized they weren't present for the important stuff and I blocked them for my own well being. Run when someone isn't able to be there for you and doesn't want to do the work to be so. Run.
Such a great message. I agree, love is not everything, it’s about logically putting yourself first and loving yourself. Society does not support us loving ourselves.
I am a fearful avoidant and I do have a push/pull dating style because I'm always afraid that the smoke and mirrors will fade and the person will eventually show their true colors and hurt me. BUT when I decided to truly commit to a man, I have no problem doing so and showing all the way up in the relationship. I still care about not hurting people. An attachment style won't stop a person that loves you from loving you. Some people are just not good people and it has nothing to do with an attachment style.
I am securely attached and I see fearful avidants as the most beautiful people. They feel too much and were hurt so much so they guard their hearts. If you truly love them for who they are, understand them, are patient enough to go through their tests, love them with no expectations, you will get their love back and it’s a beautiful kind of love. Much love to you ❤
@@IamCoachCourt yes, I say enjoy them when they come to you and enjoy yourself when they need their time. Little by little they will come around more especially when you don’t make them feel guilt. Understand that they might really be trying their best and their defenses are preventing them, it’s not you and not personal.
@@meriamgirgis8266 very true. My childhood was filled with trauma and rejection. It's painful to think about, but more painful to think that I could cause someone else that pain. It causes me to go into fight or flight in relationships and makes it hard to develop deep attachments. I do care about other people (more than I care for myself honestly) so I would never purposely hurt someone.
@@NoName-nj4mw I hear you. Just know that you are loved and that you didn’t deserve what you went through. You can try to work on the now and try to live in the moment. Just do your best and be proud that you are trying. Much love 💕
This is a sound advice for the choice of a life partner, but at the same time before engaging with a person we need to decide if we can provide the needs of this person. We cannot discard people with mental handicaps, but we need to be realistic about being able to meet their special needs on the long run. We might perhaps live very happily with a handicapped person, but we have to be realistic at the onset about our capacities to meet each other’s needs.
@@joygibbons5482 it all depends what you call a handicap. As i see it, a person who is unhappy because of an inability to establish satisfactory social relations is handicapped. If this handicap is due to childhood trauma and can be remedied through mental health assistance it is a mental handicap. You are free to consider it otherwise and I would be happy to hear your opinion if you are able to express yourself without being rude to people who hold an opinion that differs from yours.
Thank you for stating this message. I feel way too many people overly depend on attachment style to explain downright abusive or psychological impaired behavior. No, your boyfriend isn’t dismissive avoidant. He’s abusive. No your girlfriend isn’t fearful. She sounds like she is dealing with a serious mental illness and probably should not be in a relationship.
Hmm I think attachment Styles shouldn’t be used to downplay a mental illness. It’s just a parameter to maybe clarify some patterns of the people you are dealing with AND why you attract and reattract certain people into your life.
Agree. 1 year studying attachment styles to heal a relationship with an FA, I now conclude, If the person is not willing to get help for unhealthy behaviour or accept the impact of their actions, you just end up using attachment theory to excuse all the pain, hurt and trauma. I may well end up with some form of PTSD myself as a result of this relationship. In some respect I feel hoodwinked by attachment theory 😢
As a fearful avoidant my first reaction is to be kinda offended. But thinking on it more, putting myself in the other person's shoes it really isn't fair to them, all the inconsistency, troubles with consistent affection, communication etc. But at the same time it's kinda sad because that's when us avoidants need love the most is thru the struggle. Road to secure attachment is a long one
This is So true. No matter Of our styles Of attahcing to on another, If the behavior is hurting, if the behavior is causing sleepless nights. We should have courage to demand more For ourselfs. I have lived In confusion 4 years, on-off, Big talks small action, commitment issues. It was not worth it!
My ex has untreated BPD.. I was with her for 6 years and the last year was a shit show.. i tried for a year straight trying to make it work. Some horses never drink the water... Been single for 4 months now and i have never been happier.
that part near the end “love conquers all” is actually an obsessive compulsive disorder trait used as a coping mechanism to continue remaining attached to a traumatic and often detrimental situation. i learned it from the book: how to stop your addiction to a person. i’m glad you brought it up to disagree. often we get caught in these kinds of thinking but it’s really a fantasy and cliche to escape the truth as it presents itself to us. i think that love does overpower all. it wins in the end but only when that love is first focused on you. pouring love into someone who can’t reciprocate it won’t get you anywhere because that love is coming from a place of weakness rather than strength. you get the energy you put out.
Thanks for your thoughtful and caring perspective..... Tina Turner said she did not want to sing and does not agree with WHAT LOVE'S GOT TO DO WITH IT?..... My mom was bipolar, got stablized, and remarried successfully as a senior. In a nutshell, I agree: Patterns matter, but so does someone's efforts to grow and change. For example: My second husband changed his avoidant pattern based upon several years of friendship with me before we got married, when he entered therapy and got committed to self-growth in a plethora of ways. He said: WE CAN WORK IT OUT. 8 types of love imply that it's important to love people where they are actually at --- and not expect a stable, healthy erotic connection if a person's emotional life is not evidentially stable. But they might be a fine friend for a season or a reason or a great collegue. BE THE LOVE YOU WANT TO ATTRACT.
My new bf is avoidant. He's in his 60s, I'm in my 50s. I don't mind the distance because I'm a bit of a free spirit. I've suspected he has d.i.d. but am unlikely to get him to get therapy or a diagnosis. This is making me rethink the last half of my life.
I truly FELT, "love is all you need" even have the tattoo cause I really believed in it. But sadly because of my ex avoidant boyfriend I'm starting to question it. There's so many factors to consider. I Love him, the first time in my 47 years I actually felt "in love". And even though he ghosted after 7 months I do think he loved me too. You mention other mental health issues to consider.. His mom is bi polar and he thought he had some manic symptoms, he has PTSD from being in military for 10 years and also mild depression. All which he refuses to get help for. Until your video, WHY did I think him being avoidant was the main issue I was dealing with. And love was just gonna help it all? lol. Now I'm trying to figure out is love REALLY all you need?
Once I was so confused, why all people around her - me, her boyfriend and her little niece just "obsessed with her", why we all lack of security in the relationship with her and sometimes get jealous. Now I understand, it's her activate everyone's anxiety. I'm normal with other friends. Maybe she's just not the right type for me.
I feel your passion on helping and creating awareness, thank you, what about if we don't know any better, Change patterns since childhood i personally lock the past and throw away the keys and find forgiveness, but I never found my own value, keep giving and giving, attracting the takers ❤
I'm avoidant, but I've worked hard to show vulnerability to partners. I ask that people I date appreciate that and give me reassurance when I do, because when I don't feel supported, I hide my vulnerabilities again. My last partner was anxious. When I asked them so show up for me or do something for me and they didn't, I wasn't allowed to be upset because it was distressing for them and that manifested into this anger with me for expecting them to do something without my help. So I modified my expectations, and didn't ask them to show up for me or to help me. But then, they complained I was too distant. There was no winning. They seem to prefer me not asking them for anything as long as they don't find out I have issues/vulnerabilities I've chosen to not share with them. I did not tell him I was sick enough to go to the ER for shortness of breath. He found out weeks later somehow from something I said on social media (I forgot he followed me) a and they were so mad If he finds out about any vulnerabilities they doesn't hear about that I've shared wirh other people who do show up for me, he gets cross. But that's better than him yelling at me after he's already let me down by not showing up for me. I feel like a of the work I've done is getting dismantled, but in my next relationship I'll do my best to let someone in again. Hopefully, they'll appreciate it and will support me so I can make steps forward again
For me you have to date be with someone on your level. Then you will never have to second guess if someone really cares for you where you stand. it’s been 5 months since I split from an x of 14 years. But what l have learnt on my healing journey is if the past doesn’t serve a purpose then let it go. They are life lessons Sometimes people are on different levels in life we can’t expect people in our lives to level up we shouldn’t force them to be.if they wanted to they would. They always say you deserve better because they don’t want to be better for you. So I no longer entertain that type of manchild anymore
Most of the time, anxious partners, overcompensate take on the majority of the emotional workload of the relationship are eager to please learn their partner hypervigilance a detail often times are minimizing your needs and removing boundaries to maintain the comfort and happiness of the businesses, who still draws that go silent doesn't show up right so more often than not an anxious partner is going to be so tune in to the dismissive that there's almost no probability of their needs not being met because Sanchez over for forms by trying everything and obviously would be over the moon schedule dismissive ask her what they wanted, if only word that simple that they could just do what they wanted
I'm Avoidant , I struggle in opening up, I met someone, she very how should I say, love bombing forceful, I try my hardest to open up, its difficult , trying to explain myself and on top of it having to deal with the speed she's bringing 😵
Yo you don’t have to force yourself to 'level up‘ to her speed. Choose your own speed! Otherwise you’ll fall and break your legs. Or your engine breaks. Not healthy! Since you are FA- maybe you can try to communicate your boundaries and needs to avoid being exhausted after some months
If she is an FA it will eventually slow down/ or completely fall off. It's hard to keep a FA past the honeymoon phase. She could be in limerance or novelty. Either way you will find out soon if she is an FA. You avoiding her from the beginning is probably bringing her anxious side out. If you start doing the samething she is doing If she is truly an FA she will run.
I love when people that are not mental health professionals make toxic comments, I mean, sarcastic by the way, you obviously don't understand how attachment theory plays into peoples behaviors. If you don't want to tolerate it, that's totally fine, right but don't allow other people to learn and understand that their lack is not necessarily because of the fact that they're not worthy that it's that persons own issues and traumas playing out into the current relationship.
@@svetikchum6988 it's not mean to tell the truth. It's true that they're not attracted and the faster we realize this, the faster we stop wasting time on people who don't want us. You can actually date out if your league. That's reality. So we improve ourselves to get what we want. If you want something better then you have to be something better. For example, a fit person most likely wants to be with another fit person. Crying, begging, and hot and cold manipulation doesn't work if attraction dies.
![Chuckyy - Devil Hours [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/f3wZGj0VnZU/mqdefault.jpg)
I ended things with my Avoidant in January after two years. I had to get into therapy because I became extremely anxious toward the end. His push pull, never meeting my needs, only spending time with me on scheduled days, choosing playing video games and hanging out with his son 5 nights a week was just too much for me. This man is 53 years old who has a heart of gold, and dotes on me when we are together-but it was the space in between that I couldn’t handle anymore. We reconciled a few weeks ago and after learning he is an avoidant I just sat back and let things this go round happened at a different pace and had zero expectations. After 6 weeks I set a boundary and was told it was too much drama and pressure. I was also offered the friend card. Sometimes we just need to walk away and REFUSE the friend card so we can move on and finally heal. If they cannot be introspective and get the help that they need to address their core wounds then regardless of how we THINK we can handle it the same thing will keep happening. I loved this man with all my heart and will never be able to grasp how he claimed to love me just the same but was and is not willing to even meet me halfway. It will always be about them, what they need, what they want, what they need first. Even the most securely attached person will become anxious at some point because of all of the behaviors. We stay because we love them. We stay because we have hope that if we love them enough they will change. My hope is to anyone who is reading this know that their behaviors having nothing to do with us-it’s their trauma that needs to be addressed. We can choose to address why we choose to stay and address our trauma-but if they don’t do the work it will just get worse.
Love will never change a person. People change when they want to change - that is all.
Yes same here sounds like the same man we were together 2 years at first it was beautiful I said lord thank you. And then the mask fell he is 100%avodent I showed up and I understood him so I was there for him and guess what I got bread crumbs well in my case bird seeds.i am secure but I stayed triggered and anxious it started to effect my heath so last month I walked away when you give all you can and you know your worth and they don't it's time to go my God did not make no fool good luck to him because at 59 and every woman he had left including his wife he will need it.
Sending you good vibes
And I will also add that my ex avoidants son is 30 YEARS OlD and they play video games and board games everyday for 5-7 hours daily. That is his priority. Unreal.
@@islandwendeevogt6621 why be with any man that plays games for 5-7 hours a day? How a man, an adult spends the majority of their productive hours will tell you a lot about the core values of the man. I'd see spending an unholy amount of time in leisure activity - unless he's retired, independently wealthy and has made his money, or a pro gamer as a gigantic red flag. It's not always fair or right, but sometimes you have to look at your own willingness to accept sus behavior as contributing to the downfall of this relationship. There are no victims in many relationships. Only willing participants
When I was doing research on attachment theory and debating whether to get back with my ex, I read a comment on Reddit that snapped me to reality. Someone was asking “ Do you believe in the "if they wanted to, they would"?” And this comment was the perfect response
“ I stopped overthinking it. It doesn't matter WHY they aren't showing up for me. Only that they aren't. I can make excuses for people, or I can just realize they don't have the capacity to be in relationship with me and that's ok”
Thanks for commenting! 🙏🏾
How I dealt with the push & pull of this type of relationship & my confusion with it was, firstly, I love this person deeply & I know we are all flawed to a degree in some manner, but the main thing I had to place in the forefront of my mind was that it wasnt so much what they did or said because Im also reacting emotionally firstly but "What am I willing to accept". That also helped me stop bringing up what was bothering me which was pushing them away feeling I was criticisng them. And No, sometimes Love isnt enough sadly. But I reckon its worth the chance even if it falls short.
Peace
I agree. Love is powerful but it's not enough. I have found myself in relationships with men that I genuinely loved and they claimed to love me. It's possible that they really did but when I look back, I can see that my love was unmatched bc of their poor mental health that they refused to acknowledge or get proper help for. At the end of the day, you can't combat that in a healthy way. You're not playing on even grounds. So that person feels loved and replenished from your presemce while you experience constant depletion. You can't remain healthy and grounded under those conditions.
No one deserves your love more than you deserve your own love. Message is spot on!!!
I am securely attached and I see fearful avidants as the most beautiful people. They feel too much and were hurt so much so they guard their hearts. If you truly love them for who they are, understand them, are patient enough to go through their tests, love them with no expectations, you will get their love back and it’s a beautiful kind of love. Much love to all ❤
Lol love isn’t a chore it should just flow no one should ever have to bend over backwards for someone love isn’t a test if someone wants to do tests with me they can be single 👌
@@stevieberisha561 it should flow, but real love is unconditional so you love the soul despite of the defenses and the fear. You love their core and real love is compassionate so it would allow you to understand why they test you out of fear. Once they feel safe, they will pour into you and give you their all. Might not be in the traditional ways, but it will be magical. They could be very creative and will find ways to show you their love 💕
@@meriamgirgis8266 no thanks there to much effort I’m not going to sit there breaking down defenses when these cowards run and ghost people they don’t deserve 1 bit of empathy if anything there very similisr to a cover narcissist no body should have to play games or manipulate behaviours to get there partner to open up it’s called therapy your partners not your therapist hard enough being in a relationship let alone this bs on top
@@stevieberisha561 I understand. Best of luck to you finding the person that works for you
@@stevieberisha561 hey imagine if you were born and raised to be avoidant and heard ppl talk about you like that, knowing you have no choice of how you feel or react to situations. But I guess ppl like you only listen to your feelings without thought. Love yourself and keep yourself safe. Hopefully you reincarnate as avoidant to feel the hell
Loving yourself first is the compass to finding it in a life partner!!!
💯💯
Yes! This a thousand times! I dealt with someone like this and finally I realized they weren't present for the important stuff and I blocked them for my own well being. Run when someone isn't able to be there for you and doesn't want to do the work to be so. Run.
Such a great message. I agree, love is not everything, it’s about logically putting yourself first and loving yourself. Society does not support us loving ourselves.
I appreciate you watching the whole video!
I am a fearful avoidant and I do have a push/pull dating style because I'm always afraid that the smoke and mirrors will fade and the person will eventually show their true colors and hurt me. BUT when I decided to truly commit to a man, I have no problem doing so and showing all the way up in the relationship. I still care about not hurting people. An attachment style won't stop a person that loves you from loving you. Some people are just not good people and it has nothing to do with an attachment style.
I am securely attached and I see fearful avidants as the most beautiful people. They feel too much and were hurt so much so they guard their hearts. If you truly love them for who they are, understand them, are patient enough to go through their tests, love them with no expectations, you will get their love back and it’s a beautiful kind of love. Much love to you ❤
Very true
@@IamCoachCourt yes, I say enjoy them when they come to you and enjoy yourself when they need their time. Little by little they will come around more especially when you don’t make them feel guilt. Understand that they might really be trying their best and their defenses are preventing them, it’s not you and not personal.
@@meriamgirgis8266 very true. My childhood was filled with trauma and rejection. It's painful to think about, but more painful to think that I could cause someone else that pain. It causes me to go into fight or flight in relationships and makes it hard to develop deep attachments. I do care about other people (more than I care for myself honestly) so I would never purposely hurt someone.
@@NoName-nj4mw I hear you. Just know that you are loved and that you didn’t deserve what you went through. You can try to work on the now and try to live in the moment. Just do your best and be proud that you are trying. Much love 💕
This is a sound advice for the choice of a life partner, but at the same time before engaging with a person we need to decide if we can provide the needs of this person. We cannot discard people with mental handicaps, but we need to be realistic about being able to meet their special needs on the long run. We might perhaps live very happily with a handicapped person, but we have to be realistic at the onset about our capacities to meet each other’s needs.
Since when is avoidant attachment a mental handicap. WTF!!!
@@joygibbons5482 it all depends what you call a handicap. As i see it, a person who is unhappy because of an inability to establish satisfactory social relations is handicapped. If this handicap is due to childhood trauma and can be remedied through mental health assistance it is a mental handicap.
You are free to consider it otherwise and I would be happy to hear your opinion if you are able to express yourself without being rude to people who hold an opinion that differs from yours.
Thank you for stating this message. I feel way too many people overly depend on attachment style to explain downright abusive or psychological impaired behavior. No, your boyfriend isn’t dismissive avoidant. He’s abusive. No your girlfriend isn’t fearful. She sounds like she is dealing with a serious mental illness and probably should not be in a relationship.
Hmm I think attachment Styles shouldn’t be used to downplay a mental illness. It’s just a parameter to maybe clarify some patterns of the people you are dealing with AND why you attract and reattract certain people into your life.
Agree. 1 year studying attachment styles to heal a relationship with an FA, I now conclude, If the person is not willing to get help for unhealthy behaviour or accept the impact of their actions, you just end up using attachment theory to excuse all the pain, hurt and trauma. I may well end up with some form of PTSD myself as a result of this relationship. In some respect I feel hoodwinked by attachment theory 😢
Thank you for your videos I’m a dismissive avoidant trying to heal married to an anxious
Keep healing ❤️🩹
@@IamCoachCourt thank you ❤️ I certainly will Coach ❤️❤️🙏
I'm so happy
As a fearful avoidant my first reaction is to be kinda offended. But thinking on it more, putting myself in the other person's shoes it really isn't fair to them, all the inconsistency, troubles with consistent affection, communication etc. But at the same time it's kinda sad because that's when us avoidants need love the most is thru the struggle. Road to secure attachment is a long one
Thanks for watching this objectively and giving feedback ❤️
This is So true. No matter Of our styles Of attahcing to on another, If the behavior is hurting, if the behavior is causing sleepless nights. We should have courage to demand more For ourselfs.
I have lived In confusion 4 years, on-off, Big talks small action, commitment issues.
It was not worth it!
My ex has untreated BPD.. I was with her for 6 years and the last year was a shit show.. i tried for a year straight trying to make it work. Some horses never drink the water... Been single for 4 months now and i have never been happier.
You're fortunate you were able to recover that fast.
I will take of me for you and you take care of you for me. That really hit home. Such a healthy way of approaching relationships.
that part near the end “love conquers all” is actually an obsessive compulsive disorder trait used as a coping mechanism to continue remaining attached to a traumatic and often detrimental situation. i learned it from the book: how to stop your addiction to a person. i’m glad you brought it up to disagree. often we get caught in these kinds of thinking but it’s really a fantasy and cliche to escape the truth as it presents itself to us. i think that love does overpower all. it wins in the end but only when that love is first focused on you. pouring love into someone who can’t reciprocate it won’t get you anywhere because that love is coming from a place of weakness rather than strength. you get the energy you put out.
Thanks for commenting 🙏🏾
Thanks for your thoughtful and caring perspective..... Tina Turner said she did not want to sing and does not agree with WHAT LOVE'S GOT TO DO WITH IT?..... My mom was bipolar, got stablized, and remarried successfully as a senior. In a nutshell, I agree: Patterns matter, but so does someone's efforts to grow and change. For example: My second husband changed his avoidant pattern based upon several years of friendship with me before we got married, when he entered therapy and got committed to self-growth in a plethora of ways. He said: WE CAN WORK IT OUT. 8 types of love imply that it's important to love people where they are actually at --- and not expect a stable, healthy erotic connection if a person's emotional life is not evidentially stable. But they might be a fine friend for a season or a reason or a great collegue. BE THE LOVE YOU WANT TO ATTRACT.
Be love and you’ll never have to find it!
Nice video 😊 makes one think twice.. sometimes love is not enough i agree with you
This was outstanding, the best one I’ve seen you make.
I really appreciate that Mary. I put a lot of effort into it
Thank you so much. A big hug 2 u from Rio de Janeiro.
Back at you. Thank you
My new bf is avoidant. He's in his 60s, I'm in my 50s. I don't mind the distance because I'm a bit of a free spirit. I've suspected he has d.i.d. but am unlikely to get him to get therapy or a diagnosis. This is making me rethink the last half of my life.
Great video and absolutely true. Well done
I truly FELT, "love is all you need" even have the tattoo cause I really believed in it. But sadly because of my ex avoidant boyfriend I'm starting to question it. There's so many factors to consider. I Love him, the first time in my 47 years I actually felt "in love". And even though he ghosted after 7 months I do think he loved me too. You mention other mental health issues to consider.. His mom is bi polar and he thought he had some manic symptoms, he has PTSD from being in military for 10 years and also mild depression. All which he refuses to get help for. Until your video, WHY did I think him being avoidant was the main issue I was dealing with. And love was just gonna help it all? lol. Now I'm trying to figure out is love REALLY all you need?
Thank you commenting. It’s really something to question
Such a great message.
Thank you Nia!
Thanks coach. I needed to hear this.
Once I was so confused, why all people around her - me, her boyfriend and her little niece just "obsessed with her", why we all lack of security in the relationship with her and sometimes get jealous. Now I understand, it's her activate everyone's anxiety. I'm normal with other friends. Maybe she's just not the right type for me.
Honestly sounds like shes avoidant and triggers the emotionL needs of anxious attachment people. Just a guess tho
Love is not everything in that case. That's exhausting 😢
I feel your passion on helping and creating awareness, thank you, what about if we don't know any better, Change patterns since childhood i personally lock the past and throw away the keys and find forgiveness, but I never found my own value, keep giving and giving, attracting the takers ❤
Thank you Monica 🙏🏾
Step up or step out’
This is so true!!!
Thank you 🙏🏾
Salute I’m also from St Louis
🫡
I'm avoidant, but I've worked hard to show vulnerability to partners. I ask that people I date appreciate that and give me reassurance when I do, because when I don't feel supported, I hide my vulnerabilities again.
My last partner was anxious. When I asked them so show up for me or do something for me and they didn't, I wasn't allowed to be upset because it was distressing for them and that manifested into this anger with me for expecting them to do something without my help. So I modified my expectations, and didn't ask them to show up for me or to help me. But then, they complained I was too distant. There was no winning. They seem to prefer me not asking them for anything as long as they don't find out I have issues/vulnerabilities I've chosen to not share with them. I did not tell him I was sick enough to go to the ER for shortness of breath. He found out weeks later somehow from something I said on social media (I forgot he followed me) a and they were so mad If he finds out about any vulnerabilities they doesn't hear about that I've shared wirh other people who do show up for me, he gets cross. But that's better than him yelling at me after he's already let me down by not showing up for me.
I feel like a of the work I've done is getting dismantled, but in my next relationship I'll do my best to let someone in again. Hopefully, they'll appreciate it and will support me so I can make steps forward again
Fantastic video
My boy!
Can the same attachment style date each other? For example, two DAs
Yes
For me you have to date be with someone on your level.
Then you will never have to second guess if someone really cares for you where you stand. it’s been 5 months since I split from an x of 14 years.
But what l have learnt on my healing journey is if the past doesn’t serve a purpose then let it go. They are life lessons
Sometimes people are on different levels in life we can’t expect people in our lives to level up we shouldn’t force them to be.if they wanted to they would.
They always say you deserve better because they don’t want to be better for you.
So I no longer entertain that type of manchild anymore
Also avoidants need to be on the lookout for anxious preoccupied people who cannot meet their needs either. Other side of the equation.
Lol this isn’t the video for that
Most of the time, anxious partners, overcompensate take on the majority of the emotional workload of the relationship are eager to please learn their partner hypervigilance a detail often times are minimizing your needs and removing boundaries to maintain the comfort and happiness of the businesses, who still draws that go silent doesn't show up right so more often than not an anxious partner is going to be so tune in to the dismissive that there's almost no probability of their needs not being met because Sanchez over for forms by trying everything and obviously would be over the moon schedule dismissive ask her what they wanted, if only word that simple that they could just do what they wanted
I'm Avoidant , I struggle in opening up, I met someone, she very how should I say, love bombing forceful, I try my hardest to open up, its difficult , trying to explain myself and on top of it having to deal with the speed she's bringing 😵
Yo you don’t have to force yourself to 'level up‘ to her speed. Choose your own speed! Otherwise you’ll fall and break your legs. Or your engine breaks. Not healthy!
Since you are FA- maybe you can try to communicate your boundaries and needs to avoid being exhausted after some months
The speed is probably unhealthy in all honesty.
@@blacksongbird100 exactly
If she is an FA it will eventually slow down/ or completely fall off. It's hard to keep a FA past the honeymoon phase. She could be in limerance or novelty. Either way you will find out soon if she is an FA. You avoiding her from the beginning is probably bringing her anxious side out. If you start doing the samething she is doing If she is truly an FA she will run.
They're not attracted enough. Point blank.
I love when people that are not mental health professionals make toxic comments, I mean, sarcastic by the way, you obviously don't understand how attachment theory plays into peoples behaviors. If you don't want to tolerate it, that's totally fine, right but don't allow other people to learn and understand that their lack is not necessarily because of the fact that they're not worthy that it's that persons own issues and traumas playing out into the current relationship.
@@svetikchum6988 it's not mean to tell the truth. It's true that they're not attracted and the faster we realize this, the faster we stop wasting time on people who don't want us. You can actually date out if your league. That's reality. So we improve ourselves to get what we want. If you want something better then you have to be something better. For example, a fit person most likely wants to be with another fit person. Crying, begging, and hot and cold manipulation doesn't work if attraction dies.