Foster Care Home Tour - Examples for Older Foster Children, Tweens, Teens
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- Опубликовано: 24 авг 2024
- In today's video, I showcase some things that may come up on the first day with an older child.
Every youth is different and will need something different from us. Here are some extra tips to consider:
- Some kids may be coming from group homes or residential treatment centers, or they may be coming back into care after being homeless or running away for a time period. They may have different needs depending on the situation.
- There may be some policies to follow as it relates to the documentation you must provide the youth. This can include: their rights, reproductive health information, or mental health handouts. Make sure you ask your worker what documents should be shared or made accessible to the youth.
- Some teens may feel more comfortable communicating through text or a journal, so you can offer those as well.
- Don't forget to post crisis hotline numbers and the wifi password
OK What did I miss? Do you care for older foster youth? Let me know how you support them at the very beginning in the comments below!
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I'm a former foster youth and was in 8 homes from ages 12-18 plus respite homes. This is great and when I entered care, I remember so many of the homes (I was shifted between 3 homes in the 1st month) the room I was staying in was for little kids/toddlers. My first night in foster care was in this Disney Princess room I was sharing with a 4-5 year old. There's a lack of homes for older kids so that's pretty common and any bed is probably better than a cot in an office building. So many foster parents prefer younger kids, but then agree to an older kid/teen in an emergency but then treat the kid/teen like a toddler. It's frustrating.
A few other things: Not all kids are coming in from "a home" as in a permanent place they lived with their parents. I was couch surfing with my mom for years before entering care and this is likely becoming more common now with so many families facing homelessness. It may seem like your home is so much better compared to where this type of kid/teen facing not having a home, but... kids who are old enough to understand can be very defensive and sensitive about that. I've lived at foster homes where I walked in and was given a tour of their huge house with 4+ bedrooms, gigantic rec room in the basement, and pool and trampoline in the backyard and it can feel really weird and unfair and there's a lot of emotions for kids and some foster parents seem like they expect kids to be excited and grateful and that may not be the case.
love this perspective, I can relate as well
Thank you so much for adding in your experiences and tips! 💛
I think expecting the child to be excited and/or grateful is one of the biggest mistake a foster parent can make! Most likely, the child doesn't want to be there. In all honesty, who would want to be thrown into a home of a family they don't know and probably never even met before, and all of a sudden you're supposed to feel "at home" and even be grateful and/or excited? I know I wouldn't!
Foster parents should focus on making the child feel cared for, and making sure they know they're not a burden, and that the foster parents wants to help them and wants them to be able to feel safe in the house.
So glad we can talk about this!
My mother has been a teacher for 25+ years, mental heath and alternative living situations weren't really discussed in the beginning. I've seen parents struggling to be fanastic parents but have to couch surf, or they escaped an abusive partner and haven't been able to set roots down where the feel safe. I remember my mom and I bringing dinner to a family living in their car (mind you my mom had CPS on "speed-dial" back then). The mom was trying so so hard, so my mom tried to help until they got back on their feet. That family had no support, and the mom had to find work after being a stay at home momma. She wasnt a bad parent, just in a bad situation, and she and her kids recovered and go into a shelter (not all foster kids come from neglect or abuse)
So glad you explain that older kids need that adjustment time to process!
I hadn't thought of going from a car to a 4 bedroom with a pool, but that was a good perspective to add.
Thanks for the insight 👍🏽 God bless 🙏🏾
I love how neutral this is. It's just the facts without making it some huge ordeal or being really happy they are there. Because no matter why a kid is coming into care, they have not had a good day.
Exactly
Tell them its OK to go to the bathroom and flush the toilet/ use the shower etc any time they want to and not to worry about the noise, and that they can lock the door.
When I was in care, I was really scared of being in trouble for waking my foster carers by using the bathroom in the night.
I used to get in trouble for it in other homes so it's really helpful to know these rules that most people don't think about.
This is a really important tip that probably deserves its own video. thank you for adding this in - i will try to make one to get the message out.
@@foster.parenting It feels so weird to me to have people (even a relative currently crashing with us) feel like flushing the toilet at night is "too loud". And I live with a dad who is super sensitive to noise while he's sleeping! But flushing toilets has always been normal, and taking a shower at night has never been a problem. So I definitely see how different houses treat the concept of basic hygiene functions with regard to noise at different times of day. Making sure kids know it's okay is important.
I've also heard of abusive families treating bathroom use as a privilege that can be revoked or has to be asked for, so that too could be an issue.
Would like you to cover sensitive ways to handle bathroom issues, because my nephew's now adult but I feel like we were never able to handle that in the best way as he was growing up (he was over at our house every weekend). What to do when kids make a mess of the toilet seat, or don't clean themselves effectively to the point of noticeable stench? What to do if a problem recurs a lot even after you've addressed it? (My nephew's behavior shifted overnight once we attached consequences to leaving pee on the seat, but I don't think the stick part of the "carrot and stick" is a good idea for a foster kid.)
@@Arkylie My mom yelled at me when I was little for flushing the toilet in the middle of the night but also was mad that I wet the bed because I was afraid to use the toilet. We were supposed to always flush. Confusing rules coming from very stressed and tired people make for trauma. It also is more of an issue in small, noisy apartments or houses than in larger, better designed homes.
This point is important. I was a foster child and because I was a foster child I was relegated to using the bathroom in the basement. I wasn't allowed to use the families bathroom which was a lot closer to my bedroom being it was on the third floor. I got sick one night and had to go from the third floor to the basement and didn't make it and got yelled at by my foster parents because I made a mess in the middle of the night.
And bathrooms and showers can be triggering as places were privacy was violated and abuse occurred. Conversely it might have been the only few moments of peace and solitude. But issues around hygiene maintenance can stem from simply never being taught how to properly clean oneself to never living in a place w a bathroom, so its a foreign experience. Some kids have been living in a car their whole life.
Thank you for not forgetting about the older kids. I think a large part of the foster community focuses strictly on younger kids which has made people genuinely scared to take in older kids. They’re still kids.
It’s not YOUR fault of a kid doesn’t respond. They’re scared. Full fight or flight. Doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job, it just means they need time
With older kids if they have phones it’s good to let them know that they won’t be in trouble for being on it because I know some older kids whenever they hear there parents coming they will hide their phone because they are scared of it getting taken or in trouble for being on it to much, also with food I know some parents make their kids eat all of it and if they don’t they will say “you will sit at this table all night” or “Don’t make me ground you” and I think that just makes them scared of the parent and not want to share things with them and keep stuff to themselves. Have a good day/night 🫶
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It might also be helpful to have a whiteboard or chalk board where if kids need or want anything (snacks, hygiene products, etc.) they can write it on the board for the adult to purchase. Some kids might be scared of potential conflict if they have to directly ask an adult, especially one they’re unfamiliar with.
This is an amazing idea, I'm not a foster parent but I would love to put this in my home.
I'd add that if they want an item they don't want to broadcast to the household, they can write a star as "talk with me about the thing I want." I'm pretty sure younger me would've been concerned about putting "tampons" on a public whiteboard! Or maybe it could be placed in a more discrete location.
@@Arkylie yeah that’s a great idea!
We did this in my home growing up bc none of us had a good memory! I loved that whiteboard! Great for notes and to-do lists too!😂
That sounds like a great idea Even if you are not fostering.
We are lucky that we have been able to have zoom meetings with the kids we’re getting next week (they are coming from across the state). So we’ve already given them a virtual house tour and shared pictures of the neighbourhood and school. It’s not the same as seeing it in person, but it takes away some of the anxiety about being in a new place.
Your attitude is fantastic; all parents, bio, step, adoptive, foster, whatever; should have your attitude! My rule is “Don’t do crimes in my home, and you can live here!”. Simple! Respect the kids, and they will respect you! ❤️
I agree I was uncomfortable when I met my step-mom uncomfortable not sure how to address her
I wasn't even in the system but due to childhood trauma I lived out of laundry baskets, bins and boxes for many years. Thank you for respecting the needs of the child. ❤
I feel you, grew up with hoarders. And no rules or structure.
This is so amazing! Any child would be so blessed to be placed with you.
I knew some teens when I was growing up who were in the foster care system. It was tough for them. One thing that made me feel the saddest for them was that they were expected to be more "mature" about the situation when inside they were broken little children too. They were scared of the dark, they wanted stuffed animals and hugs but they were silently told it was too late for them 😞 I think it's important to remember that age doesn't matter when it comes to trauma and even though teens may be good actors, it's okay to provide nightlights or lamps and comfort objects...whatever healthy thing or person they can reach out to to start healing that hurting inner child.
🥺Nobody should be expected to act a certain way. I'm so glad people like Laura appreciate every child.
I noticed (and loved!) your tshirt right away. Do you make a conscious choice to greet a child wearing a statement shirt?
I don’t make a conscious choice in what I wear but maybe I should! I love that idea. I definitely notice that kids like certain things I wear and some things I wear spark a conversation.
I’m not a person who would foster kids, it wouldn’t work in my current situation, but I want to support you and all the others who do this generously and kindly taking care of kids in a great deal of stress. I’m going to look for how I can support foster families in my area in a way that I am able. Thanks for inspiring me! Great idea to just leave snacks out and have that “you can grab this any time food cart” that they can even take in their room if they want. Food is a type of comfort, and can make a big difference for some kids to feel a little less scared and more comforted. (Btw, we are both sporting RBG tees today! Miss you, Notorious RBG!) Thanks, Laura for spreading awareness about fostering children. I’m spreading the word about helping to my sister as well.
Thankyou for this video! I started emergency (and ad hoc respite) Foster Care late last year (Melbourne, Australia) and struggled to find good guidance for teens. This video has validated some of the things I've observed and tried to put into place.
Great video! And maybe just a couple of other things that you might want to consider:
For older teens, you might want to show them around the neighborhood, especially if you live within walking distance of a park or a shopping center. I wasn't in foster care, per se, but I did live with some friends of my mom's friends for a while, and it was helpful to just have somewhere to go that was somewhat familiar, even if it was a WalMart or Dollar Tree. And definitely have a talk with the teen about letting someone know where they are going before they leave. A lot of teens are used to pretty much coming and going as they please, and so just letting them know they need to let you know where they're going and to be home by a certain time.
I'm always so tentative to contribute to youtube comments but I just wanted to thank you for your videos. I'm learning so much from you!
Feel free to contribute! I think adding nuance and context really enriches the videos. I am only one person but when everyone shares, we can all learn so much 💛💛💛
im fourteen but when i went to my foster home i was expected to be fine and and to fit in and we never get to make decisions i kinda wish i had you as a foster mum
One thing you can do as a reminder of where things are is write down on one or two index cards (I like to use the slightly larger ones) vague directions to where certain rooms are. A couple examples:
"All locations are in reference to you bedroom.
Bathroom: Across the hall
Laura's Bedroom: Turn right; at the end of the hall.
Living room: Turn left.
Kitchen: Left off of the living room"
This lets you leave it in their bedroom (say next to a lamp or on a bedside table) where they can find it. Useful for those who want to be alone to decompress.
I love your channel. You such a wonderful advocate for the kids ❤
Thank you for putting so much energy into kids at a point so in need.
💕You're So Incredible,Laura💫Im following you forever! You're Spirit is so Kind &Positive🤗
I think it's such a great idea to include the snacks in the room, because a lot of kids will be scared to ask for things. Another thing is to maybe ask their pronouns-it makes sure that you don't cause any dysphoria by assuming and also lets them know that you care and will try to use the correct set of pronouns. It makes them feel a little safer if they're queer.
Are you kidding me that’s what you’re focusing on? Pronouns?
I also leave a note with everyone’s names as well in case they forget and are too nervous to ask.❤
I love that you do these videos. It looks like you are a wonderful foster parent. I hope someday I'm financially able 💛
Me watching this on my first evening in a new children's home, haha
Love this. Former foster kid with a sibling.
thank you for this, I'm going to be a foster parent and I'm going to help as many people as I can
Great work, thankyou for all your work. You are absolutely making a difference. So many people need you to be their voice ❤
I really appreciate you making this video. So much to think about.
How do you introduce newly arrived foster kids to your children?
What about for kids who are at an age where you don't know if they've started their period or not? Is that something the case worker lets you know? Could you get in trouble with parents for mentioning that when they haven't explained and don't want their child to know about such things? Or providing the wrong type of products that would offend the parents' values?
To most people it wouldn't be a big deal but I can imagine some ultra conservative parents freaking out about certain things and wonder if that's ever been an issue that a foster parent has gotten in trouble for?
If the child is old enough that they might have started, then whether they have or not they should know where the menstrual care products are. Even if they haven't used them before, they may need them for the first time while in your home. I would just point them out like everything else and let them know that if they've never used them before and have questions you're happy to help, and I would also suggest having some educational puberty books available in case they have questions but don't feel comfortable asking.
As for whether or not they can use certain products, my guess would be that would have to be brought up with the caseworker if it becomes an issue.
@@Izzy-cp8yt The thing that worries me is that some parents would consider education material akin to porn and since it's their child could the FP get in trouble. Some ultra conservative parents would flip out if their teen used a tampon instead of a pad for example.
What your saying is right morally imo, however I'm concerned about the legality and how that is handled in the system.
@@imzadi83fanvids7 which is precisely why I said to bring it up with to case manager. That said, if you don't know the parents' beliefs then I don't believe most places will fault you for failing to follow them out of simply not knowing. It's only if you intentionally disrespect a know rule. And even then, in many cases wellbeing of the child takes precedence - for example, if the child has been denied access to adequate menstrual products in the past, then having them readily available might be considered fine, even if the parents would prefer them locked up. Negligent beliefs that harm the child don't necessarily get enforced. Similarly, educational neglect often falls in the same category. If being ignorant to the facts of something is directly harming the child, then parents' beliefs might be overridden for the wellbeing of the child.
Waiting until after a child has started menstruation to explain it to them is setting them up for being scared and traumatized. If the kid is old enough to potentially start their cycle (8-9 years old is not uncommon), they are old enough to be taught the basics. Just because some parents have harmful beliefs that the natural cycle is “akin to porn” and shameful, doesn’t mean that should be enforced by everyone else. You can point out the supplies and if the kid asks what they are for, discuss with the case worker how they prefer that conversation be handled, but it really should happen before the kid bleeds the first time. Too many people out there already with stories of how they thought they were dying their first time because adults in charge of them didn’t bother to tell them.
@@marina_nanana While I agree with you in principle I also wouldn't want to get in trouble legally over it either. Some people may be willing to lose their license or end up in court over some parents beliefs, but others may not and I was just curious about what is done in those types of situations.
I loved this video! Thank you so much!
I LOVE your shirt!!!
None of my friends when I was a kid new what a mental health day so I was lucky when I was a kid that I had them
I love hearing about this foster care it is giving me more information on it just saying that now
I’m seeing a lot of great questions I would love to hear the answers to!
I want to be a foster parent really badly, but I’m autistic. I don’t want to trigger my kiddos with my mannerisms. Is fostering not in the cards for me? Should I try to foster only autistic children? Do I tell the kids I’m autistic? I love your videos. Thank you for everything.
You can definitely still foster all children, autistic or not. I think you should probably explain to the children that things may work a little differently in your household, but you don't have to tell them.
Can you make a video on how to gentle parent, violent/aggressive children who tend to hit kick, throw things and break things that are under the age of 10 including toddlers?
I personally don't think I really showcase gentle parenting in my videos (maybe I don't really understand the term:) ), but here are some posts I've made on the topic: ruclips.net/user/shortszcGZdTIW9JE (toddler throwing), www.patreon.com/posts/ensuring-safety-67144809 (ensuring safety during an escalation - blog), instagram.com/p/CYPgv31Btir/?img_index=1 (outlets for anger) and here is the video for that post ruclips.net/user/shortsdhCtSQY0w1M, www.fosterparentcollege.com/preview/preview-fancy.jsp?rid=199 (professional training). I would also focus your reading and research to "fight response" as a trauma response.
Well, I mean, I think you already do gentle parenting I feel like it just comes natural for you, but I guess my question would be not necessarily by definition, gentle parenting, but how would you handle those kinds of kids? What are some tactics that worked for you or have worked for others as well as how to get through dangerous situations where things get physical and they hit kick bite, brake things and I’ll kinds of stuff but I will watch those other videos. Thank you for responding and I love your content, you’re doing a great job and it is because of you my husband and I have become confident enough to do foster parenting after we’ve contemplated for nearly 9 years! Thank you!!!! ❤❤❤❤
How do you handle it if a teenager in your home struggles with mental illness like depression, anxiety, eating disorders etc… and stays in their room a lot or acts out? I’m just curious how that is handled in a foster home. Thanks for the informative videos!
I have some info in my Older Kids playlist as a starting point, but for more complex needs, a therapist or professional is really needed. ruclips.net/p/PLoWR4bv4c6uI8dEjN1jsLvxdBkFCgKs5i&si=_Z3dpmmnOdGLeric And here are some other resources: instagram.com/p/CZ2JW9eJX0q/?img_index=1 and instagram.com/p/Cl1SZBoO4o3/ ... this book is an incredible reference book for all things related to eating amzn.to/3SZZhzr (Love me feed me - amazon commission link) And here are some foster parent posts to support as well! First day with a new teen www.patreon.com/posts/q-first-day-with-97729613, Caring for pregnant teens www.patreon.com/posts/guest-foster-for-86598860, Teen resources www.patreon.com/posts/teen-resources-71168383
Laura, you're such a great foster parent. Meeting the kids where they are is such an important thing to remember. I read somewhere, though, that it's not a good idea to keep period products in the bathroom, because it gets steamy in there, and that makes them moldy. That probably applies to other kinds of absorbent products too, like diapers and Pull-Ups (or bigger versions made for bigger people). Maybe the bedrooms or the linen closet would be a better place for them, so they don't get ruined or become unsafe because of the mold.
They come well packaged here in Europe, so that mould should not be a problem. Especially if the room gets aired after showering.
What if you have them in a drawer?
@@angelicagarcia6415 I don't know for sure, but assuming that the drawer isn't airtight, they might still be affected somewhat.
I've never known this to be a problem, even in a humid/steam-filled environment.
I was wondering, you told the child presumably a girl about the period products but would it be good to reassure that it wont be a crisis if they accidentally bleed on your sheets etc.
You are so amazing ❤
If you go to the store (or anyplace), buy a the child left at your house by themselves?
You make me want to foster someday ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Amazing how u help share
I just thought good idea I never seen you at the rest if the king was a smoker or not do you not condone that or is there a smoking reason etc
Ooh, that's gotta be a tough one. I mean you can't exactly force a traumatised kid to quit a comfort habit cold turkey on the day they arrive, can you? It is different than drugs or alcohol. I'm sure it also depends whether the kid us going to be with you long term or not. Would love to hear the breakdown of it, too!
@@Cationna I can understand that quitting cold turkey is not a good idea, but on the other hand since it's illegal for minors could the foster parent get in trouble for allowing it?
@Laura - Foster Parent Partner That’s an excellent question, I hope I can in fact do tag you! Would probably help a lot of people if you would answer that.
As someone who was given away as a child into the system, your videos heal my inner child. 🥲
What if you have a teenager who acts like she’s a little kid
Are you allowed to verify pronouns or is that something you'd have to discuss with their caregivers?
But not everyone will understand non verbal cues
Just do your best - an autistic adult
I wouldn't do it like this. This seems really out of touch with what some of these children have been through. Let the child enter your home and just find the feet for a moment offer them a juice or something and then build up to the tour of the home. You are speaking to the child like you are an estate agent selling a home to them.
To me this is well-pitched for an older child or teen. She welcomes them, shows them where important areas in the house are, shows the young person their room, and gives them some time to themself. Her intros for younger children are quite different.
❤❤❤ Thank you so much! Listening to you model gentle, compassionate connection and care soothes the soul. Feels like hanging out with my very happy inner child. 💓
I absolutely love how visual and explanatory this is, thanks so much!