People don't fear the narcissist will ABANDON them, they fear THIS...
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- Опубликовано: 28 апр 2024
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Please narcissists, abandon us. Forget about us. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
💯
@@mrsjamessmom9044 exactly, i became avoidant , closing myself to others so much, my narc mom is so evil
😂😂😂😂😂😂 yeeesssssssss! ❤
Amém
That would be merciful, as they always seem to return in our lives like a bad penny. 😒
I don’t fear being let down. I fear another person I trust will abuse me.
Exactly! Hope you have a happy day. Take care.
Yes
Yes. Like many I feel it’s impacted me adversely where I can’t get out of ruminating and now have serious trust issues.
Me too :'(
Same
I didn't fear abandonment. I feared retaliation. If he wasn't manipulating or hurting me from a distance, he was going after family and friends. I also feared he would come back!
Fear that also
This is so true! I was married to a covert narcissist for seven years. You just described it. Going through my divorce, my coworkers insisted that after he was gone, I would realize how much he actually did. ( I even personally did my own car repair and all the yard work). After I was alone, the only thing I felt was freedom and relief that he didn’t make even more work for me. I’m presently married now for thirty years to an actual partner who gives his all to me and our home and family. I don’t have words to describe my contentment and joy and peace I have.
AMEN AMEN AMEN ❤❤
Right on! Good for you.
I'm number 100 thumbs up full of happiness and gratitude and so very thankful that you wrote this for us to read!!♥️
Yes! That's exactly another reason why I don't want to be in a relationship again. I already have enough work on my plate. I felt like he was another child that I had to take care of and I don't want another child.
👍 happy for you - what a learning curve a relationship with a narc is (been there done that - 16 years married to a real man not a mentally 3 year old)
Narcissists are the dead weight that sink ships because they don't do what's expected of them or follow through with commitments they've made. Attempting to hold them accountable is like nailing Jello to a wall, reminders are perceived as nagging and taking on everything yourself results in criticism and blame for not doing it the way they would have. I don't fear abandonment but I do fear having a narcissist in my life.
Yes because being asked to do something twice in the same year is nagging, triggering narc rage to appear. Which follows swiftly after by strategic incompetence.
@@Tazz-Media💯‼️
Thank you for helping me on my healing journey. I’m 71 free from 30 years of narcissist abuse. I feel sensational. ❤
Yay!
Reading your comment gives me hope!! Me >> 30 years and will be 70 the end of July. I’m left with 2 houses to sell and zero help from him. Very little family… ok I’m willing after reading your comment!!!!! 🥰
I'm 72 and feel the universe did me a solid when my narcissistic husband died after a 30 year relationship. I have a dog and am soooo content living alone. I live in Oregon and New Mexico. I travel alone driving back and forth. I couldn't be happier.
@@jokendrick2124 so happy to hear you’re doing so well!!! So proud of you!! This is absolutely encouraging!!!
I’m glad 😀 ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉
I fear running away from one narcissist into the clutches of another one. Mind you, no one enters a relationship expecting to be abused, lied to, betrayed, triangulated, cheated on, gaslit, demoralized, manipulated, smeared, and discarded. It's traumatic to you when that. happens. But it's even worse when you go through another round of it. How are narcissists allowed to live among us?
Mine one, my ex I'm suspecting actually was propagation abuser, becides of being dark triad.
And who ever talked about it in 20th century? Nobody but Dr Ramani
So much easier to be alone than having someone working against you, creating stress and juat feeling on edge when they're around.
I feared the smear campaign and the long divorce battle, while totally exhausted by the narcissistic’s energy suck. Needless to say, it was worth it. I love my new life of peace.
I had to go through two years of smear, legal stonewalling, and family destruction to get free. I also love my new life of peace. The family I thought I had revealed their true nature to me; the family I still have are pure gold.
A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but the irritation caused by a fool is heavier than both.
Proverbs 27:3
In the beginning I loved him so much I truly couldn't imagine my life without him. All the neglect and humiliation taught me to be better alone. I don't fear abandonment because I can't lose what I never had. I worry about where to start over and how to ever trust anyone else again.
Being abandoned by a narcissist while hurtful is a blessing in disguise. Having hope or expectations of any pleasant interactions is futile. I’m always tense around narcissist because I know there will always be something unpleasant waiting to happen. Constant betrayal and hurt are the norm and I choose to just withdraw to protect myself. Trust is highly overrated and once broken I don’t turn the other cheek and ask for more. I much prefer being with my creature companions to most people. I find they are more honest and trustworthy. There are much worse things than being alone.
we are just tired...same old, same old...it's peaceful being alone. By now you know you can take care of yourself. Would it be nice to be taken care of? of course. But better alone then in sh*tty company.
The real kicker is when a person who has let you down makes you feel guilty about causing them to get angry because you dare to express disappointment in their failure to remember or to be bothered to do as you requested. And this from a person who more often than not can get quite angry if their wants and needs are not responded to quickly.
This happened to me just this morning. I was talking to my husband’s and asking him if the cheating I heard about happened and he went around the story and said he can’t remember and all this stuff and ended up telling me yeah he needs space from me and hung up ignored my call and texts. Wow! Talk about gaslighting and also just making you feel like it’s all your fault for even bringing up things that cause you pain or that have hurt you
@@kingofglory2062 Best way to have those kind of conversations is a face to face approach, if safe to do so. It's easier for the narcs to ignore calls/texts, you don't get to see the facial expressions and body language that way. Not remembering if he cheated or not, WOW, that's astounding. I'd give him as much space and rope to go with him. I'd even offer to help him pack 😆
Yes.. I’ve been helping to caregiver for my narc spouse for last yr and he acts this way .
He’s 98% capable and physically independent , ( except he’s not cleared to drive yet but I let him drive with me in car and he was normal) but he won’t drive or get Uber as he wants me driving him and being at his beck and call 24/7.
He is on adj chemo til Aug. for gr 4 gliob. that was removed last July. He really seems back to normal, now , except he has a little expressive aphasia.
But the normal, vb abusive old him is back again… so, it’ll either regrow and he may not be around within the yr or if his MRIs keep being clear, I’ll have an opportunity to exit as I can hardly stand to be around him as he’s so mean etc .. ( which is actually his normal behavior for the last 30 yrs) latest he’s seemed a little worse in his behaviors..he acts like he did when he used to be an alcoholic, slur words, get argumentative etc.. it could be a sign of tumor growing back. He could also be really angry at me cuz he may not have much longer and I am healthy and should have years more, so he takes it pout on me cuz I still have a lif3, but, he could to right now but he insists on being a recluse and refuses to see his friends,( guess he wants to torture me by constantly being around me) I added a couple hobbies out of house away from him.. I’m so glad. It’s true having social connections or hobbies of your own, without narc, real help you mentally to de-stress
..he’s not n any pain, he eats whatever he wants, he mows the lawn, he really has a good quality of life right now, it’s almost exactly same quality as before tumor.
Victims fear how they will live without the narcissist. After they’ve been conditioned to see themselves as not good enough. The narcissist may even have said that you won’t make it without them. Because they want you to be dependent on them.
100% true. This holds you in the relationships for way longer than necessary. It hurts just to think of how many people are stuck in those relationships now, wanting to escape but thinking they can't.😢
You didn’t listen to dr ramani at all and are lecturing. Listening is good.
So true!
100% DISagree. I wish they would Leave me the fk alone. I wish they would STOP using people I USED TO have in my life to work against me. You think I Want those fkrs in my life?? WRONG. Abandon me ffs. Please trt LISTEnING to Dr. Ramani.
Not me. I was 32 when I married and perfectly content living alone prior to that. My narc husband died, and as soon as my mother dies I can be rid of my two narcissistic sisters. I realized a long time ago I was happier when I wasn't talking to them. So I have absolutely no fear of abandonment. I have a dog and he is plenty. I rather relish being left alone.
It’s the constant disappointment which translates as a reminder that they just don’t care, that is what hurts.
Yes them sabotaging your happiness while they're with you is worse.
Being discarded was painful beyond measure for me but it was necessary.
Better than strung along for years
Well said ❤
Irresponsible and incompetent! I think that was the biggest surprise. In the early years, I came to understand that he was selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate. But when I realized that he was also irresponsible and incompetent that was really surprising and painful.
It's so shocking to see them as oh so capable and competent... Till the mask slipps
I have no fear of abandonment I have fear of manipulation and bs and I'm done.
You nailed it! I was always confused by that ‘fear of abandonment’ as it never resonated with me, but the letting down sure does. Death by a million let downs is for real.
Pro tip: It costs just as much once you escape in an effort to stay alive. Ring cams, lost time from work when you adjust your work schedule, replacing the mattress, (etc.) they slept on, and most recently, fixing the house up to rent it out so I can flee for my life. All these costs, however, pale in comparison to the cost of having him around.
I'm very sorry you are experiencing this, I had the same situations, this is post separation abuse, I didn't know about this until it happened. You're right having left the monster makes this bearable. You aren't alone.
dear one, you will get through this, and the freedom and peace you experience once you do will be glorious.
Flee for your life and don’t be scared. I’m in my car doing the same and my dog and I are adventuring now I’m finally mentally healing from everything. It was so hard at first and so scary and it’s taken awhile to not see him in every shadow but it comes. Living in my car is better than silent treatment while obviously monitoring me…I have had four new phones, mines intelligent and got past lots of my tec head mates with his hacking, even contacting friends puts me at risk of being picked up again, so I am crossing the Aussie desert where there’s no damn reception and going adventure mode across the whole of Aus. Good luck ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@lizericsonn9367 Stay free and safe.
The chronic lack of participation, dependability, support, and trust IS worse than outright physical abandonment, because in addition to carrying yourself, you are carrying the narcissist on your back. And if you have any hope left, it is used to manipulate you into continuing to carry the responsibilities - physical, mental, and spiritual - of the relationship alone.
The chronic fear of being let down... yes.... And with the fear also comes that constant feeling of tention, allertness and danger in your body, heart and soul. And the deep KNOWING you will always be let down, over and over again. And the sadness that comes with that realisation. And the saddening feeling of betraying yourself by accepting it. And the frustration of realizing this but still staying and being sooo stuck...Ohh, it is such a big, big spiderweb of so much unhealthy-ness and sadness, with so many aspects and layers to it....
I've lived in blissful isolation for many, many years as a direct result of narcissistic abusers.
Isolating is a great way to avoid being TRIANGULATED.
I tend to avoid any interactions with more than one person at a time.
Please, Abandon Me! In fact, don't know me in the first place!
it's not the abondonment - it's great when someone who turns out does not like or love me is not part of my personal private life, my inner circle. it's the traumatic rugpull of trust betrayed combined with lack of closure, the realization of wasted time, energy, and life, the partial erosion of self, and all the shit they leave behind for others to take care of...
💯😔
You have nailed it dr Ramani 😊 asking a narcisist for help or doing something is such a fraught space that in time you stop asking and end up doing most of the things yourself. Those relationships are really expensive when it comes to paying others for doing even the simplest of jobs around the house or house keeping. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a waste of time, money, energy and ultimately all kinds of your life resources ! Narcisists are life threatening individuals to be exposed to. Thank you. God bless you❤
Third time's a charm. My third and present husband of 22 years is "a true follow througher." I'm glad I summoned the courage to try for one last marriage before calling it a wrap.
Blessed are you indeed!
As a person with two narcissistic parents, who constantly gravitated towards narcissistic close friends and partners I don’t fear abandonment. I am currently 37 and I’m tired of giving to the wrong people, so I rather be alone.
Don't most people just want to be left alone by the narcissist?
I'd classify narcissistic abuse as trauma. Not only in close relationships but also in the work place. In fact they are in all areas of life, from neighbours, intimate relationships and work. All key areas where people should feel safe. If you can't feel safe in your home; then where can you feel safe.
I didn't fear his leaving me. I feared he would HURT me. He had HURT me in every way, emotional, physical, financial, you name it. He threatened to "DESTROY" me if I ever left (his word). Am I making my point here? He was DANGEROUS and controlling, and it finally took him threatening my life to give me the desperation to run out the door ... forever. The behavior she is describing is early in the destructive process. It spirals worse and worse, and quickly becomes DANGEROUS!!!
Mental and Physical Exhaustion
You can not be abondend because they are not in it
You’re right, disappointments! I also feared retaliation just as much
I feared them turning my children against me and the lies they told in their smear campaign, and they did. They won. I won when I left all of them. 😢
It's all of this, and the fact that no matter who the narcissist is, that person is supposed to love you or at least care about you as a human being, but instead treat you as if you're subhuman while you're running yourself ragged mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually trying to do it all, and be there for everyone... except yourself, then they pick you apart and make jokes about the things you think in serious conversations, about the way you do anything, or tell you that you're a mess and nothing you do is enough, you're selfish, attention seeking... blah, blah, lie, gaslight, demean, devalue, fawn, play victim, discard, terrorize... and you retreat and stop talking as much as possible, doing everything quietly... you're scorned for that too!
My best friend used to say "I can't afford to live, but I can't afford to die either" ...she was talking about money, but, living on a nightmare roller coaster of insanity, in relationships with morally and emotionally bankrupt narcissists, their flying monkeys and enablers... that thought takes on a whole new meaning!
“The exhaustion of doing everything alone is nothing compared to the exhaustion of being continually let down.”
Omg 😭😭😭😭
Thank you for putting into words what I’m feeling!
What’s even more exhausting is always doing EVERYTHING alone, but then occasionally he will do a minor thing, and act like he needs applause.
He helped with dishes this weekend and acted like that’s a normal occurrence.
He had to ask where everything went in the cupboards 🙈
We’ve lived in this house for 16 years!
Sounds like my dad. He needed a pat on the back and an applause every time he rarely did something around the house. Meanwhile I renovated a house that he sold under me, leaving me homeless temporarily, and he wonders why I don’t fn talk to him.
😂 didn't know where things in the cupboards went after 16 years! I'm sorry...😢
@@camillegallagher7828 I hope you get out and have a peaceful life to build for yourself. It took me 28 years to cut contact and I hope it never takes that long for you to get your peace.
@@roanmangan7417 thank you! These enmeshments are deeply rooted. Not easy. Glad I have this community to vent to! 💕
Yep, i hear you, exhausting, draining too. "Sort out the oven, i don't know what's wrong with it" 😒 we've had it for 10 years. So it's obviously a user interface problem 🤣 Dr Ramani nailed it again 🥰
One is never let down when they learn to suppress their needs. We get busy being 100 percent emotionally self-sufficient while providing emotional regulation to the narcissist.
This is so true. I'm so used to being abandoned. What i hate the most is what you have just said... the fear of being let down. The constant worry of having absolutely no one there to help if i cannot help myself. What if i have a medical crisis, what if something horrific happens and there's no one? Being stuck in a position of knowing not to trust these so called important ppl, time and time again. The uncertainty wears thin on your soul. It's ironic how the narc relies on you, but you learn to not rely on the narc. And sometimes tha narc is your parents and family. Without support, life becomes very difficult
YES 😢
I feel this in my very bones.
I agree
Absolutely true. All facts. Being left alone to handle everything is devastating cruel and unfair. But not against the paw sobthey just keep getting WAY with it. OURTS ARE SO UNPREPARED TOBDEAL WITHNthese demons disguised as humans. Seriously the courts will actually HELP THE NARCISSIST.
Yes, it does! You become stuck in survival mode.
I definitely felt SO damn free after my psycho narc left. She was definitely a slave driver. I did SO much for her and often without thanks. It was pretty terrible. But then someone saw me and saw my weary soul and helped me. And now he’s become chosen family.
...and what makes it worse is watching as they bend over backwards to do every little kind & helpful thing for other people. To know that they'd never do for you what you just watched them do for some other chick (or whoever) they just recently met. It's their brown-nosing and trying to impress this new person. Sure we see what's going on, but it still hurts to the core. Watching as they go off & have a good time, spend money on others, spend time on others, cater to and wait on someone else in front of your face. Help them with their home or their car repairs, pick them up when they're stranded, take them places they need to go, showing them patience they've never had for you.
So on top of everything described in this video, many of us have this extra added hurt, betrayal and humiliation.
Unbelievable
God save me
God bless you
Never!!! Isn't that Strange......
Felt this very deeply.
My parents and my ex husband all did this to me and I never understood why they would bend themselves into pretzels for others, but if I asked for something, anything at all, the hissing and fire breathing commenced.
Right?!! Have plenty of time, money, and, energy for those people out there...not nearly as much consideration for a wife/life partner, say.
God save us all !!!
"Why didn't you talk to me about this earlier!?! I didn't know you needed help!" - the narc when other people became aware of how much he wasn't helping with an older, disabled family member.
Pssh, reall man? Let me see...tired of being yelled at, tired if being stonewalled, tired of getting the repeated reminders of how much you didn't care and how unwilling you were to help out. When someone else in the family said, "he said no again, " I said, "why do you even ask him? The answer is always going to be no from him."
Mine is also just that. Disappointment…which is more about the death of a hope or dream I had. It also is Bcuz I’ve already had too many let downs. And that can be worse than someone who is jutting out to the unknown for the first time…even tho that’s a little scary it’s not as bad as how repeated disappointment chips away at your faith and hope for the future and your whole life outlook.
I also tend to fear being locked in or trapped and unable to flee when things don’t feel safe.
This is so true! For 35 years I've been married to a narcissist after growing up with a narcissistic father. I always have to expect them to mess up whatever I ask of them. I stupidly asked my father to feed my cats for a weekend when my spouse and I visited our son in college. He said he would take care of them, then over the four days we were gone he never showed up to feed them and didn't tell me either. I am now free of both of them and so much happier and more peaceful.
Today’s video has perfectly described my life, more than any thus far. Out of the almost 51 years of marriage, he has lived and worked away from the family home a lot. A year before our youngest would turn 18, he suggested I get a job. He’s a long range planner. A year later, he quit his job and drove to Nevada, to become a gambler! It’s a long story. Realizing he was not that great, he got work in his job field, medical, worked all over the west, leaving me to do everything here at home, while raising a grandchild. Being ‘let down’ is my life. My folks let me down when I needed to get away from him after the 8th year of marriage. They were about to retire, and a daughter and 3 grandkids didn’t fit into their plans. Yes, being chronically let down is a trauma.
True.Even years after my discard and raising our child with little help he now reaps benefit of contacting my daughter and receiving love from a distance. But I never knew how close they were keeping contact. This is still going on for years while he.s stealing her mind and heart from me.
Thanks for this explanation. This is what happened in my marriage. Not showing up, being indifferent, not completely basic tasks.
And then being told my expectations were too high. The phrase “it’s good enough” still makes me feel nauseous.
Strategic incompetence... They do that, so you won't ask them for any help anymore.
I actually had one explain it to me many years ago...
I don’t fear abandonment anymore. I did at one time, but when I survived that fear, because it happened, I realized what I had feared the most, once I got over the shock of that abandonment, that I have a new found peace I didn’t have before. That abandonment was hanging over my head and now that it’s behind me, and I’ve processed it (took over 2 years), I’ve never felt more freedom and contentment.
I fear more abuse to perfectly honest. I was recently and unexpectedly visited by a former abuser and I had an episode of PTSD that I didn’t expect, simply by being in their presence. I just can’t ever let anyone ever put me through that again.
I’m fortunate in that I enjoy my own company and don’t mind being by myself, so that’s how I live my life now. Peace and quite is something I can never get enough of at this stage of my life.
Never again.
It's enduring further abuse people are anxious about.
I finally understand how broken my brother is he was the scapegoat and was under narcissistic mother evil wrath for a long time longer than his siblings when we were away in boarding school I really really really hate my narcissistic mother I I have never felt this level of hate and deep betrayal from a so called mother she deserves the pain she has put people through
My mom deserves my dad .... Nobody should live that way! My sister was sooo enmeshed & dangerously brainwashed to hurt me & Fuck over my children.
@@lorab1912 the parents deserve each other we didn't ask for this evilness what we must avoid is enmeshment avoid being manipulated to their reality
Just tired of ALL the games...period. This was another great video, Dr. Ramani. 👏👏👏
From early childhood I was invalidated and led to believe my parent was the only person I could trust. Interestingly, when I began trusting myself (mid-thirties), I began noticing something wasn’t right with his behavior. A lot of truth comes to light when we learn to trust ourselves.
The cruelty of a narcissist has no bounds. if they even have a touch of power, they play with it. They have no problem being cold as ice to those who care about them the most, and you have to watch. The ultimate opportunist assisted by their flying monkeys. I don’t see the abandonment as dangerous as much as the damage they do on their wake. They pretend they care and want to help just to watch you suffer out of some weird sense of authority and superiority. “ the exhaustion of being left alone is nothing compared to being let down.” is an understatement. They are so self absorbed that they don’t in the least bit care about those who truly depend on them, children. Kids don’t understand and can’t understand how a narcissist works. The problem is that kids have unconditional love and caring. And the narcissist is the exact opposite.
You just described my mother, my life for 47 yrs
I agree the kids are the biggest sufferers and the flying monkeys are enormous contributors when their role should've been exemplified by caring support.
@@neommutle8033 sorry to hear that
Totally agree. I just do everything myself because no many will do what they promised 🙃
After a series of narc exes, I *love* being alone at 57. It's actually way less work taking care of me, myself, and I. The financial aspect is tough sometimes being solo is this horrible economy, but otherwise, life is peaceful now. 🌷🌞
Oh my word. The accuracy!!!! Absolutely 💯
So very true. I wished he did leave, but his money was too important, as he thought it was all his, like I did nothing. People were constantly asking how I did it all...raising 3 children, bookwork for the company, and full care of the McMansion he wanted, along with all the outside work. And, yes, when he did anything around the house, although he could be a perfectionist, he made sure it wasn't, because he knew I'd redo it the right way. Had I known there was such a thing as narcissism back then, I would have left sooner, like as soon as our 1st child was born.
I felt so much happier and at peace with my cat!! She was more tha. Enough for me!! 😅
I am afraid of having my trust broken, of having my vulnerabilities be used against me again. I am afraid of going through another devaluation/discard, which was one of the most amotionally painful and deeply traumatic experiences.
I spent 30 years in two marriages doing almost everything. The first was totally selfabsorbed. The second husband of 18 years enjoyed maintaining our cars, so did that without prompting. He also helped my son with his homework, and enjoyed having my son for the brother he never had, so there were endless forms of entertainment for them. I was delighted for my son, however, as I maintained home, cooking, most of the yard work, budget, essentially, all the dirty work, in addition to a full time job, and a second selfemployment begun only because the man was spending us into a second bankruptcy, I feel they had all the fun at my expense.
Where do you take accountability? That's the 1st stage of healing
Your videos are great, and help so many people to understand what works in relationships, and what does not. My current fear is that I would become closely involved with yet another, selfish, entitled, greedy person. Avoiding relationships with people who have no more to offer than a list of their needs, and complain no matter what lengths I go to in an attempt to create a valid team of caring people, is resulting in a peaceful life. Peace is good.
Thank you for that insight. Even, I don't think being let down is the worst fear in a narcisistic relationship. It is feeling with the obligation to carry this person and their problems in your back, because you pity them, because they are so bloody useless they can't get things done. And their acting out embarasses you in front of other people that is meaningful for you. And, in the end, people just get to think you are like them. Useless and without logic.
"A study in disappointment" I always said "An exercise in defeat"...and it is about trust - parity. Being the better person becomes being a doormat.
The reduced whimpering whisper of ....."will you be there for me on this? and the visceral despairing hopelessness of awakening enough to be knowing the searing emotional self abandonment of avoiding the known callous response...Yep, a haughty sour faced thin lipped energy of ...."don't even go there!! How dare you even ask!! What is it you WANT now!!
Yes, I know that one.....I don't spend time at that sparse table anymore, the rebuild was lengthy but it was invested in and it was process steady.....
Sending love to anyone healing from the gruel of betrayals served up as a banquet that you are expected to thank them for the meal. Turn towards you and repair....detach from them if you can xx
This is not a life.
Why are so many people so horrible to me in so many ways , wherever I go?
They're the ones in the wrong but I'm the one who gets penalised.
I'm pure yet they treat me less than dirt.
I'm going out of my way (through chronic illness and other hardship too) to be polite but no one every reciprocates it.
I have nothing and no one.
I have no energy.
How do I end my suffering?
I’ve been waiting for someone to articulate this. I’ve never feared abandonment. I too prefer a lot of alone time and often pull back from challenging relationships. But my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with fear of abandonment. I fear being sucked into the world of gaslighting and control. I fear losing my sense of self. I fear losing the confidence I’ve gained in setting boundaries. But I’ve never feared abandonment. Excellent video 👏👏👏
❤ Your looking pretty Dr R. I'm 47 yrs discarded by my narcissistic mother. It was and is painful, but so necessary. I cry at the time I lost living to please my mother. I'm learning a lot about myself, my strength 💪. I'm choosing me, voting for me, not going back.
This. This explains the feeling I had but couldn’t figure out how to describe it clearly. Not afraid of being abandoned. But the daily let downs for every single thing and the self blame after their blaming me. The grief of it all. Makes a bit more sense now.
Also feared being overwhelmed or intruded on constantly with their convincing that whatever was wrong was my fault.
To me it's more of being wrong most of the time...when your opinion does not matter and you are swatted away like a fly when you stand up for yourself...the feeling of your best is just not good enough!
I “cant “ even leave my house for days at a time. My N/M was malignant- covert , I got heave abuse physically & worst Mentally. She’s 86 and she could care less about me. She still talks about her G/C son, he passed away few years back and she only cares about him still. He was taught to hate me at a very young age& he did until he died. I tried to talk with him but he’d dismissed me each time so I gave up. He married a woman just like my mother too. Another nightmare because she joined in on the abuse. I’m sick and tired of it all so I stay away, far away.
With a narcissist, I still had to do it alone. I'd rather do it alone because I actually am alone. I don't have to wonder if I can trust if I don't let anyone in.
Back in the late 70's, when I was 8, there was a morning at school before class started when I was trying to finish up homework from the night before, & it was alphabetizing a list of words. We were just old enough that year that there were no longer alphabet banners around the room, so I started saying it out loud, but quietly, to myself. Soon some of the kids near by heard me, & decided to start loudly chanting the alphabet at me, & it only took seconds for the rest of the class to join in. This was the scene that the teacher walked in on, & naturally I was deemed the "troublemaker" & sent off to the principals' office. He was very popular in the school & all the kids loved him. I've never seen another that enjoyed anywhere near that level of popularity since. But when I explained what had happened, first he denied that I wasn't somehow the instigator (because no other explanation was "possible") but when I continued to insist that the whole class had joined in to bully me, he then went on to finally ask me if I knew Simon & Garfunkels' "I am a Rock". I thought I did, & said so (also, at a whole 8 years old, I think I was afraid of looking "dumb"... to a freaking _adult_) but it turned out later I was thinking of a different song. Anyway, his "sage advice" at that time was to tell me that I should be like the song:
"I am a rock , I am an island"
"And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries"
That was his advice. To an 8 year old. Who ultimately spent all 9 years at that school, being hated on, bullied, & ostracized, by nearly all the children & adults alike. For what turns out to be a case of being intelligent & high functioning on the autism spectrum. Pretty "inclusive", huh? (For everybody else. 🙄)
I think it all really began in kindergarten, when at the end of that year, my own mother threw a birthday party in my name for all the kids in my class, while enthusiastically agreeing with the teacher that I should be locked in the coat closet for the duration, as punishment for not coloring in some stupid ditto as homework. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with the consequent hellish abuse & mistreatment I suffered there until I graduated the 8th grade. Right?
Some people have actually pretended that I was just being "crazy" & "hateful" for feeling that I could never trust any adult enough to ever want to go back & be a kid again.
You can't f*@k*g win.
The withdrawl is something I've had to do since I was about 12 years old. In late 90s my mother's husband (not my dad) was a narcissist, he was constantly on my case, nothing I did was right, nothing I did was good enough, just constant harsh treatment. The only way to manage this was to withdraw, to stay in my room with the door locked, he would even try to forbid me from locking or closing the door, so I would have no privacy and no break from the constant berating, perhaps he hoped I would snap and he would say "you see, he's no good!". I'm almost 40 years old now and this is still how I live, locked away from others not wanting much interaction, happiest alone. I've built my own little world while still accepting reality. Having my eyes opened through a narcissistic relationship in 2013, I realize I was born into a narcissistic family and lost my chance to escape before I even knew what any of this was. Thankfully though I've never harmed anyone, no drugs, no drinking, never been arrested, an upstanding citizen, still can't win in life though.
Fear of being disposed of after wasting energy trying to help.
."not showing up as an attuned caring person in the relationship " being let down, disappointed, man acting like a kept woman. Its empty feeling of abandonment. Cant win whrn i say yes or no. Now i know silent treatment is the last word.
Exactly this 💯. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am unable to socially interact or trust since before splitting away from the narcissist, I am still working on getting the self back that invited people over for a party once a week but I haven't been able to bring myself to....
It Takes time! Don’t hold yourself to a standard, you’re a person with different experiences than your past self. Nourish the current self.
Thank you Doctor Ramani for putting into words exactly what I experienced for 26 years of marriage. I finally got the courage and strength to leave because I simply had no more energy to stay and continue. I met my current husband shortly after my divorce and had to continue therapy as it was such an adjustment for me to finally have a healthy relationship. I have been married for five years now and cannot tell you how much happier I have been, he's such a wonderful man. Someone finally has my back! For years I thought it must be me that was the problem, maybe I wasn't wording my requests properly, maybe I was expecting too much. It wasn't me. Your latest book is wonderful and so is this message!
It was exhausting having to do everything alone
I learned from an early age to have a plan (b/c) always in place in preference to being let down
I have only recently become aware of how difficult it is for me after being divorced for years to ask anybody to do anything for me
I do have one person I feel safe asking even though its still difficult
I was never lucky enough to have been
"abandoned "
After tears of violence & mind games, gaslighted and criticised by the enablers & flying monkeys, including my own family of origin
Solitude is bliss & I enjoy my hard earned peace
Great video, as always
Thank you, Dr.Ramini
Your point about language resonates with me. Both my mother and my ex used to use some version of “you don’t ask right” as the reason they didn’t handle their responsibilities, keep promises, or respond to requests for help.
Also, upon reflection, I think that making you constantly ask for help with things that should be everyday shared responsibilities is malignant behavior. It’s a way of maintaining an unhealthy power dynamic in a relationship.
Thank you.❤️ Being let down is pure disrespect and can feel like contempt if it is a behavior over many years.
I am working:
* on having my back now
* being loyal to myself
* doing it for my heart.
I so appreciate your work 🙏🏼
Exactly... do it yourself!
They don't change won't and can't... they just find new ways to hide their deceitfulness to control you and your empathy for them not being there for you!
Born an illegitimate child from an adulterous relationship before Roe vs Wade yet chosen from the beginning of the world Ephesians 1 4-11 Psalm 139 1-16 all my days ordained before one came to pass Hanson genetic father Johanson step father Jo means God is merciful in Hebrew read. Isaiah 57 3-19
This is 💯 me as I have had so many people close to me betray and let me down, I don’t know who to trust. I thought it was fear of abandonment, but yes fear of being let down with those I care so much and try so hard with. Learning to step back, watch peoples actions, and find a healthier balance with it all for myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
So true. I've learned the only person I can really trust is myself. I structure my life so that I always have a way of out of any relationship. I never want to feel trapped again, like I felt in my childhood. I have seriously solid relationships, and I'm really grateful to have friends and family that I choose in my life, but I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of depending on anyone but myself.
Excellent topic!
I live with my narcissistic. I love it when he gives me the silent treatment. It's like a day or a week off. 11 weeks he sulked over nothing one time... Pure luxury lol xxx If he threatens to leave me I ask "Promise ?????"
ALWAYS LEFT WITH EVERYTHING TO FIX. I can't tell yountbe tomes this narc has Left me with thousands of dollars in repairs , ongoing replacements. It up to me to take care of everything . That's at 77 years old . Recuperating from cancer , surgery chemo radiation and now my bone structure is so damaged a disk collapsed in my spine leaving with severe pain a nerve damage. That's just part of the devastation left me.
My narc of 20 years left and although the way it played out was so painful there was nothing to miss in terms of him contributing to the household because he did NOTHING.
I have participated in a training on collective and intergenerational trauma, what I have heard many of us have lived in a narcissistic abusive relationship and during a high conflict divorce is complex trauma. I would love to hear you speak more about it as well as the impostor syndrome we can be left with after so much invalidation from the narcissist and enablers.
Thank you always for your precious knowledge and guidance.
I isolate myself because I don’t feel like I have the right to ask anyone for help. I don’t want to bother them. I’ve learned to do everything myself.
Wow! And if you're with a control freak, them insisting that they have to have a hand in doing something/making a decision, but not doing it. It is exhausting and even dangerous. Asking to have the car fixed repeatedly, then having engine explode on the freeway with you and you kids in the car and other drivers around. Luckily I was able to get to the shoulder safely, but that's just one example. I blamed myself for many things, thinking that I was too soft-spoken or unable to convey what I need from them, when they were, in fact, actively tuning me out.
The abandonment happens the moment the light comes and you realize your spouse doesn’t really LOVE you. It’s a conditional relationship each day. My Narc cannot handle the pressure of any disagreement pressure is the enemy. And yes, part of the “Let Down” is the loss of your authentic self in a narcissistic relationship. My outlet is the authentic group of true friends I have. Keep or develop friends…they will become your lifeline!
Yes.... nailed it again! Feeling like I'm always going to be "let down".... never knowing who is really going to be dependable..... It's like I'm always attempting to stand up in a tiny row boat on stormy seas.
In couple’s therapy, my ex was complaining about my being too demanding. I reminded him that I hadn’t asked him a single thing in the past 10 years (yes the exhaustion of doing everything yourself is nothing compared to the feeling of being let down). He looked at me like I was a broken toy. Half smirk, half pity.
Yes! This! I've always struggled when folks say that I've got abandonment issues, which is true, but lately it's much more this kind. Especially the unwilling to attune, be considerate, or care and be reliable, rather than walk away. That is better than the former.
Yes,this works with sociopathic partners also. The abandonment of doing everything alone. I would still say I was a single parent.
I also don't care to get in another relationship and argue to get anything done. Life is too hard, I don't need to argue daily.
Worse than alone. It’s like alone with a scorpion in your boot
God Bless you ❤
So true! Today I saw a lovely young father interacting with his baby and sharing the care and just rejoicing in his child, that it brought tears to my eyes. I would have given anything for that reaction from my narc ex with our children, but I was constantly let down and had to radically accept that he would never be that father