People get into relationships with the wrong ones just to not be lonely. This is why so many marriages are miserable. If you have no chemistry or lack common goals or values you have no business being together.
People get into relationships because of the hope of what something could be. Not because of what it is. And they don’t know what their own individual needs and wants are hoping the other will continuously give them that constant joy or that constant affirmation of being complete and enough for someone else. The problem is our relationship failures are always because our expectations of others is in our own minds not what reality is. People need to always be able to dodge and weave, ebb and flow with all the constant obstacles and changes that occur to everyone. Finding the person that is willing to stick by you while you change is an understanding of growth and maturity.
I can relate to this call so much, but the wife's side. My husband LOVES computer programming and does all sorts of projects for me and I appreciate the work, but when he starts talking about it, I completely glaze over. I love that he has something he loves, but I don't have the capacity to learn the basic language to have a basic conversation. I nod along and heep praise when he does what he wanted to do, but I literally don't have the capacity to have a conversation with him about it. Just like he doesn't care about my current obsession with acrylic painting. We both heep praise at the end product, but don't EXPECT each other to have the same passion. We're different people, but we can appreciate the other.
I understand. I'd be afraid of any woman that devours sports and military history like I do. My wife is Thai and that's a whole different can of worms, but we have great chemistry and I'm a good stepfather to our son. Just have to find time for each other and develop things to enjoy together. Good luck! I've only been married a year so I need some luck as well
My husband and I are total opposites but we fit so well together. It does take work and effort, but it is a joy to know him more every day. 21 years later, he still makes me feel loved every day.
Yes. He kind of sounded like he wanted John to have a different take on it or a different answer. And the guy said at first they communicate fine, but they don't talk. He's confused and only seeing his own perspective. I admire his desire to work hard and have his own business to support his family. Sounds to me like his wife is just burned out on hearing about it. It doesn't mean she doesn't value it or him. But that doesn't mean she values it more the harder he works. She wants to be with him, not his job. I bet a lot of conversations they have often turn back to his job, or he has nothing else interesting to say because he's always thinking about his business.
Why does this type even call in? It's like pulling teeth and they still try to dodge the questions even though they were the one calling in for help. He wants to talk about his business issues for hours, but then gets upset that she actually gives feedback. He is upset his wife doesn't interact exactly the same as his male buddies. Does he even ask about her workday? I bet not. It's all about him/his business.
Yeah, this guy is the problem. It has nothing to do with his wife. And his problem is that he is blaming his wife for his problem! Unless there are kids, the wife needs to fly solo. Listening to this video was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I can't imagine living with him 24/7.
But it’s people like this, who have trouble expressing themselves or recognizing what the real problem is, who need counseling the most. That’s why it’s so important for them to find someone like John, who is skilled at digging in and helping them find the answers.
My husband was like this. It was so confusing because it was objectively untrue. He'd say, oh we don't have the same tastes in this or that, when the reality was that while we didn't have the exact same taste, we had plenty of common ground. But it was the differences that were the only thing he could focus on for whatever reason. I believe he was projecting onto me his disinterest of hearing me talk about things he didn't care about. He just assumed I would care as little about subject a from him as he cared about subject b from me. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need to care about the subject, only that he was interested in it, to want to listen to him. That's a foreign concept to some people I guess.
Like my husbands anime . I’ll still listen attentively 🤣😂 but I encourage him to have guy friends too and my best friend and her boyfriend love anime so that works for me .. regardless I still listen attentively and ask questions. Sorry your husband is doing this it’s weird. I feel like when men start to do this there may be a woman at work they talk to about the things you don’t have in common with them and that they are projecting it on you :/ but hopefully that’s not the case
Are you talking about my hubby too?! WE have had the same argument. He gets mad when I tell him I just want him to enjoy a convo cuz its ME trying to show him my passions. I literally feel the same. I am totally disinterested in some of the things he is excited about but cuz its him, I am happy to listen. He got mad me years ago to stop doing that because it isnt genuine and its fake interest and he doesnt get why I would listen to him talk if the subject as something I didn’t care about. I told him: Because I love YOU and want to hear and learn about what excites you. He then told me he could never do that and he wished I would stop. That was a decade ago and now he feels clueless as to why we feel no connection. I try hard to respect his wishes but I cant just be rude and ignore or ask him to stop even if he does it to me.
John did a great job pulling out the real issue here. It went from not talking on a car ride to lack of support for his ambitions, to balance/boundaries.
Why do people like this get married in the first place? If you can't talk to each other it means your personalities don't match. If you really love each other you can talk about anything and the conversation flows. If you love someone even if you are not interested in the same things as them you will still listen and try to learn about it because it is important to THEM. Most peoples relationships and marriages are so phony and based on physical attraction and that is it.
My Dad did this same to my Mom = his wife, and his own family, and, boy, did it get tragic. He worked very hard, no holidays, no work-life balance. He neglected his health, his sleep, neglected all good things in life, and he never wanted to do anything "fun". It seemed to bore him. When at a show he fell asleep. When at any gathering (family, friends, celebration) - within minutes he'd find some guy to talk business with. When taking a trip somewhere interesting, it turned into his business-trip, and an endless boring, insecure waiting in the car for those who were his actual travelling companions. He was very successful and sought after for his professional skills. And he was steadfastly convinced that he gave his life only for his family, implying family was his wife and kids. I was only a kid, maybe an early teen, when I realized, he didn't do this for HIS family, but that he did every thing only to impress his own father, who regularly interrogated him, and with whom he regularly, in person or on the phone, for hours reported his successes. His father was his "demon" figuratively speaking. And my Mom clearly missed her husband, he was so obviously the love of her life. She always told him, that what they had was enough, she needed only his time, not a bigger income, not gold bracelets, nor roses as amends, not restaurant meals for the family as an excuse for forgotten Mother's Days and Weddingdays. She wanted him at home, and she wanted to take care of him to keep up his health, because he had started their engagement as a handsome, strong, fit farmer, and in 20 years he turned fat, sedentary, sleep-deprived, stressed, cardriving, unrecognizable ... as being a responsible boss at a company that had him flying all over the continent at any hours. My father died after several preventable, predictable illnesses, for which he was warned, and the whole family feared, and so he died all too early and my Mom had more than 20 lonely years as a widow to regret her helplessness in the process... It was as he was hypnotized by his image of success - he probably had an inferiority complex, though it was unbelievable, he was smart, skillful, the pillar of his company, brilliant even, often witty, a double engineer, always a problemsolver outside the family... He was intelligent enough to get his priorities right, why couldn't he just do it? I just say, Chris, wake up from your hypnosis, or it turns to a nightmare. You are already in a so blurred state, that you cannot find concrete clear words to describe the problems in your marriage - look for talk-therapy to learn to express your values, feelings, needs, thoughts, and learn to be honest and clear. I wish you all the best, you've just been married 3 years, you can save it all and be happy with your wife. Really, think about it, you deserve to be happy and you can do it! You've started by calling Dr Delony, do read his books, get a therapist, talk with your wife, daily and on retreats, write a diary... make a marriage-recovery-plan, learn what is needed to be successful as a husbans, you will be proud, contenr, joyful, and you can learn the skills needed, don't rely on wishful thinking and childish believes about psychological issues, every time you tell yourself "she is like this or that, or just not X, Y, Z", tell yourself you are wrong and that you have no grounds to assume any such thing! It is all in your head and there you've got it wrong in third grade or something. You need a grown-up, modern and sophisticated view of how people function. Think about that, please!
I enjoyed reading your account of how your father's life played out, as well as how it affected your mother. It sounds a bit like how my father, who just passed about 4 months ago now, lived his life as well. You gave some really solid advice at the end of your comment. Hopefully those who can relate to our fathers will heed the advice and really improve their lives/mental state/family relationships. Anyway, thanks for sharing.
Sad. Type A personality. My dad had one but met Christ in high school and learned balance. Was always home by 6 30 and took us kids places on the weekends. His last words were, I love you guys.
I just sat here listening to this guy, thinking he's crazy. He just needs to relax. Then Dr. John drops that advice about wanting his wife to "just be proud" of him... Now I feel like I have way more in common with this guy.
Couples need autonomy. I see that sometimes couples who work together at same place, or work from home or are retired, tend to be together too much and then get on each others nerves. The other thing that Dr mentioned, is that couples HAVE to say Thank You, I appreciate you. Celebrate your spouse!
Yeah. This guy wants a business consultant, best friend, and romantic partner all wrapped up into 1 package. Barring statistical outliers, this just rarely ever works out.
A lot of times as guys we really want to feel like we're good enough or doing good enough, so whenever someone compliments, encourages, or even notices us we love it and we need it badly
That sounds like an unhealthy need for attention and validation with a side of codependency. The fact is, most people, not just men, do the bare minimum thats expected, but want others to validate them. Going to work is nothing that needs validation or praise. A man needs to work whether hes married or not. I dont look for praise from my husband just because i cleaned the house. I would have to clean my home whether i was married or not. My point is people ask for way too much outside validation because they cant just be proud of themselves. A simple thank you is all any sane, stable person should ever need to feel appropriated. Asking for anything more for your mundane tasks is asking your partner to be super human and it also means you arent in control of your own feelings.
@@carolallison9685 have you heard of the five love languages? One is called words of affirmation is a main way people feel loved. If your main way of feeling loved was gifts, I would t call you greedy because gifts are a symbol of someone’s thoughtfulness and affection for you.
No it doesn’t. It’s a healthy support system that partners should share. Should be warm, loving and complimentary. Not cold like you make a partnership sound smh
This hits home. I have always been a highly competitive individual and tend to measure success in how big my bank account is (typical Asian mentality). I think I should contemplate more about what success in my family really means.
I think a lot of times if we want something we have to give it first. Start by telling your wife how proud you are of her. Do you listen to her talk about her job? That’s a good starting point. Model the behavior you want to see. Also research the love languages. That book helped my fiancé and I see we communicate love differently.
When your with your best friend (my husband)you talk about everything and anything Whether it’s fascinating to you or him or not. Remember opposites attract but the usually don’t stay together.
Yah. We were friends in college. He seemed more interested in me before marriage and I am still in him. He for a looong time, like 14 yrs into this marriage now… somehow has lost interest in pursuing anything with me that isnt directly what he wants to do. Its hard when someone tried so hard to be close and then stops after he puts a ring on it!
I understand him wanting his wife to be a “cheerleader” meaning he just wants her to be supportive.. I swear men need this. Make him feel like he can do anything. You can still chime in when you think something is a bad idea and yes let him know when you appreciate his hard work.. have to have a happy medium. Make him feel like he can accomplish anything but also warn him if he’s about to do something dumb bc he values your opinion
It’s actually very easy to cheerlead someone who is working hard and isn’t doing stupid things. It comes naturally. I unfortunately know too many men who want to be supported even when they’re doing childish things that make no sense and are unfair to the family unit.
I remember watching video about what men want from their partners at different decades. The video showed that men in their 30s want their wife to be supportive of their dreams and lifestyle. This guy sounds and applies to him.
I've seen & heard way too many couples talk about how their spouse just didn't show them appreciation, and then some more attractive 3rd party somehow starts looking irresistable. I hope that's not the case here.
Wow this is the best marriage advice I've ever heard. That situation is extremely common but rarely explained so we'll from the 2 viewpoints/expectations. After 30 years of marriage I can say we went through those same exact things and we're so glad we stayed together and worked it out.
@Beastbombshell Couples that have similar interests to a similar degree tend to have healthier relationships. These partners show interest in one another, think alike, share passion, enjoy similar adventures, and in the end, bond. When you see people online saying they get bored of other partners who share similar interests and would rather be with someone who they have nothing in common with or put up with abuse in a relationship it’s because that person thrives on drama, arguing, fighting, and unhealthy relationships. These are the same kind of people who don’t care if their partner has similar spiritual or religious beliefs, any common hobbies, or if they have any similar goals or dreams in life and are usually not for marriage in the first place. If they do get married it's usually because of superficial reasons. They may end up getting into a romantical relationship because the other person has money, they need a roommate, just going for looks, want a child because they are insecure about getting old, or trying to fill some void in life. Maybe growing up they came from an unhealthy family that argued a lot so when it comes to seeking a partner they would rather settle for what they are familiar with or personally feel that’s acceptable behavior than settle for what could be a healthy partner for them. Sadly this whole "opposite attraction thing" has infiltrated all aspects of society and I don't think it's going to get better in the future. We are currently seeing half of Americans not in a serious relationship. And believe me, there’s a lot of unhealthy relationships out there right now.
I don't know, but I wish I could meet any man that has ambition and drive to provide stability for his family. I only meet men with zero ambition and don't want anything serious. If I get the opportunity I dont mind grinding with my husband to build together. It can take alot to break the cycle of poverty. I understand the balance that's needed in a marriage and I hope they can work it out.
That's a very interesting statement about not being able to meet men with ambition. Who are you ladies dating? Lol. Im single because I was afraid to commit. I'm an ok looking chick and in my prime I've met a few solid dudes but I was the one trippin. Consider your location and hopefully your fit , feminine and friendly and you will get your man.
@@JustBree716 I've been in Dallas area for the past 16 years, previously was married and now single. Dating is a train wreck and your correct..I have been considering moving. There are many men that are doing well in my area, but they don't want to be with ppl like me..seems like. The only men that wanted to be serious with me had no ambition, no home/apt and etc. I'd rather stay single than deal with struggle love and ohhh...they weren't loyal.
My boyfriend used to talk about 3 things…. Work, sneakers, and cars but would never have feedback on anything else. Talking about work is not helpful because it takes the focus away from your relationship and connecting with each other. Venting once in a while or asking for feedback is supported, but it’s all in the WAY and how often you speak about work. It should not interfere with what brought you together to begin with. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend about how much I support his work, but also told him that we need other things to talk about. We need mutual conversation in a relationship to keep us together. Pulling your significant other into your time-consuming affairs is not always healthy. She doesn’t have to have a passion for your job for it to last. All you need is an understanding of what helps you two connect. The differences between two people are just as necessary as having the same values and having things in common
My husband and I have very little in common as far as pastimes, hobbies and interests. Doesn’t matter, you don’t need to experience everything together, what would you have to talk about! If you love each other and you are both good people, that’s all you need! ❤️
Now days people are saying, “ I have an idea lets get married ,spend a ton of money on a ring , have a fabulous wedding ,post a ton of pics and we can get to know each other later ! “ Pure genius stuff here !
It honestly sounds like this guy needs some buddies to hang out with and then he will have stuff to talk about, if they are always together there is nothing to talk about.
This is why I won't marry someone that I don't have anything in common with. People say I'm being too picky, but I have tried dating men that I had little in common with and there was no chance of longevity. I would rather wait to find the real thing, then settle and be in this circumstance.
Who is the caller comparing his wife to? He starts off by saying he can drive with someone else and not be at a loss for words. Makes one wonder if the “someone else” is a female.
I don't know if they have kids but marriage is about responsibility and duty. Dang it man, I learned a lot about not what to do in a marriage from my parents but a huge lesson I took is that they do a lot of talking and I never felt like they resented each other nor was there any tension. Im not married but I too had to learn that I could be in a relationship and be silent at times and it not be awkward.
That is tough! This man is trying to start a business. It takes everything you have to make it. With that being said, I so regret not setting boundaries with my business. In hindsight, I could have cut back my hours and my business would have still survived. My relationships did not. You also need to spend time building long-term friendships. If you don't, when you get older you will find yourself all alone.
The thing is that when he is with his side piece they talk non stop…but when he gets with his wife she is quiet and drama free… he wants some spontaneity… he is comparing her to someone…been there.
@bettycoutts4739 because that’s just how it is sometimes…and when a woman cheats she save all the nasty stuff for the guy she’s cheating with when all along that’s what the husband wants a freaky wife….everything is totally opposite when you get married….you really don’t know the person until you divorce them.
This all makes sense.. men will list a million and one things mentally of what they feel they need to do to progress in life and some of the things aren’t even important .. or .. they are just doing too much and the plan doesn’t make sense.. isn’t a good plan.. this is why they need us to help them sort the mess 🤣♥️ sounds like this guy is putting too much on his plate and his wife just wants her husband back .. and not a husband that’s always stressed over work. My husband gets stressed over progressing too.. I just try to encourage him while still encouraging him to have outlets (friend time ) and have fun with me … I love laughing together and enjoying each other . It’s so important
You slapped me with this one dude. I'm a wife, unemployed, husband is trying to push me into work so that he can transition into something less physically demanding. Already talking about incurring more bills... I am... Resisting, and quite irrationally, immaturely, I'm finding every excuse to not make the call. I know it's fucked up, he needs a break "or B. you're kinda being a jerk, just sitting in your head starving your wife of your relationship" Maybe I'm the one doing that. When he talks about his vision of the future, it shows me that I really really don't share his values; that's not the direction that I would take AT ALL, especially if I'm the one generating the finances. I'm not negotiating my needs, not finding a reason to speak up, reluctant to dash his hopes & expectations. I'm being the jerk, and now I understand a little more coherently how Thanks John
Don‘t go into work if really don‘t want to. You will be working AND taking care of the household and the kids and he will get a younger one after he cannot hear you nagging anymore that it‘s too mich and of you looking tired and getting no sex.
I bet she's angry and resentful. The marriage isn't over, it just needs some adjustment. I went thru something similar. It's better now through communication and compromise.
My husband and I are together 25 years. We have nothing in common. That would be so boring. And we have different opinions on things too. But you can absolutely enjoy being with someone, in fact I like it more. It would be weird if he liked makeup and paper crafts. 😂
I think people have silly expectations for what a "good" relationship is. They think it's perfect and fun all the time, and as beautiful as a Pinterest board. But the reality is there are peaks and valleys, we age, our opinions change, our bodies change. People just can't conceptualize what forever actually looks like. I've been married 10 years and I know we're barely getting started. And we've had like 8 major life events and pitfalls since it began. But we're still strong because we work at being better partners to each other every day.
The best response to this in my opinion is actually given by The Marriage Foundation. They have a RUclips channel and a unique perspective. Let me say I love THIS show and this show is wonderful wonderful wonderful but to extend this discussion people should see the marriage foundations video on this same topic.
I think I understand what the caller is saying. The wife feels like a liability more than an asset. Entrepreneurs often think that way. Caller is learning he's gonna have to find a way to prioritize both separately, as Dr. John is saying. Well done peeling back this onion!
Simply ask her a question about herself or about one of her subjects. And then when she responds, ask her another question. That’s a very good way to start a conversation. Men don’t do this enough.
this caller is going to need a lot of help and time to get through. he has identify himself with his business. i can relate to the caller. i'm working on myself every single day. it's never ending but once i re-adjust my thoughts and perspective everything is ok. it takes a lot of practice. some days are better than others. i'm grateful i have a loving, understanding, and patient husband who allows me to deal with my issues. i give him chances as well, but can work more on giving him compassion. you cannot control what your spouse says, do, react, and choices. just know that if they come home, they are choosing you. if both are willing to work on themselves and respect each other, both can grow together. it'll never be perfect, but it will get better and stronger. oh and boundary, communication, and empathy is the tools i use to be a better person.
He wants her to follow him but she happens to have her own life and interests. Oops! 😂 Like he said, he wants a side cheer leader. He is married to his career, not her. It's a matter of priorities. I've not heard him saying that he wants her to talk to him about her own stuff. He is not interested in that and she probably feels that. It's a 2-way street.
Yes. He kind of sounded like he wanted John to have a different take on it or a different answer. And the guy said at first they communicate fine, but they don't talk. He's confused and only seeing his own perspective. I admire his desire to work hard and have his own business to support his family. Sounds to me like his wife is just burned out on hearing about it. It doesn't mean she doesn't value it. But she wants to be with him, not his job. And I don't remember him saying anything about her. What does she do? Is she working? They definitely need to reform a vision of marriage together or it doesn't look promising to me.
People have to learn how to be comfortable in silence, if I’m not comfortable around you in silence we cannot be together or you can’t be my friend. The pressure of always having to talk about something is exhausting in my opinion. Also, he sounds awfully boring… Like he’s a stick in the mud, he made me yawn during this entire call… The issue is him. 😐
I think the problem is also he is only interested in work. He said that’s what he’s about. When everything revolves around his job I’m sure she just wants to find anything else to talk about.
@@kerryofthecanyon6198 men can get obsessed with work, entertainment, studying, projects, hobbies to a point where they ignore relationships and foster emotional closeness and connect with others. Then they get mad when their spouse calls out that thing cuz its their thing they are hiding behind due to something going on inside them they want to ignore and not face.
WE have had the same arguments about interests. He gets mad when I tell him I just want him to enjoy a convo cuz its ME trying to show him my passions. I literally feel the same. I am totally disinterested in some of the things he is excited about but cuz its him, I am happy to listen. He got mad me years ago to stop doing that because it isnt genuine and its fake interest and he doesnt get why I would listen to him talk if the subject as something I didn’t care about. I told him: Because I love YOU and want to hear and learn about what excites you. He then told me he could never do that and he wished I would stop. That was a decade ago and now he feels clueless as to why we feel no connection. I try hard to respect his wishes but I cant just be rude and ignore or ask him to stop even if he does it to me. 16 years in and he mostly ignores me and my needs and interests and play videos on stuff and plays video games while I play the piano, volunteer at church and play with our kids that I also homeschool. Yet still expects physical times and rarely compliments any aspects about me besides my cooking and my physical attributes he like cuz he wants some. Its hard but I chose him and until it gets decidedly worse. I have to have friends that appreciate me for me. Its hard but I have decided to continue on and give some grace and find relational satisfaction with friends. He seems self focused and I cant fix that. He knows very little about me 16 years in besides basic stuff and I try to bond emotionally and get that “oneness” and connection. He literally told me he doesnt understand what I mean and all that is emotional mumbo jumbo. Its sad he is so emotionally bound up he cant connect with anyone. I never knew this. In just thought my brokenness was at fault. Now I see he played a part (and admitted he did because it “mattered” in college and when we were single). Now it doesnt “matter”…. Not me, our kids, our life and living for God…. He doesnt think anyone is grading him so he can live how he wants. He does the bare mediocre minimum to make me and the kids “happy” in his mind while we are all emotionally starved for a connection with him. I just keep praying for a miracle and hoping some of the men at church will guide my sons in the way they should go and be more proactive with my kids and I will just do what I can until he does something worse or gets it finally.
That's what I felt. Like he wasn't very enthusiastic about John's answer because it indicated that just because you work hard at your own business doesn't mean you get to always be the center of attention.
No. Couples don't need to have absolutely everything in common for the relationship to work, but if they disagree on core values (religion, politics, life goals, etc.) then they shouldn't be together in the first place.
He was very emotionally inarticulate, I noticed a lot of the men who call in are. When John starts asking the hard questions they can't explain the problem exactly or what it is that bothers them, they don't have the language for it.
A man’s purpose and goal in life is #1 but that doesn’t mean you disregard people in your life. they need to sit down and have a conversation about the plans for the business. a detailed plan. his wife should be his #1 fan and supporter.
I can relate to this man on every level. It’s not that I choose not to communicate with my significant other. It’s not that I want to be a jerk. It’s that we legitimately cannot hold a single, simple, light hearted conversation. I’ve thought about this a lot and have used the car scenario, actually. I can be in the car with a complete stranger and hold a completely pointless, light hearted conversation for the entire duration on the ride and when asked what we talked about, it’s like I can’t answer the question. Like …. I don’t even know, we talked about any and everything. But my significant other and I, we can’t even hold a conversation for 5 minutes. It never goes anywhere. At all. It is incredibly strange and uncomfortable. I’ve thought about it for a very long time and I’ve not been able to come up with anything other than “We just have NOTHING to say to each other. We have NOTHING in common.” So work does seem to be THE ONLY thing that stimulates my brain and requires me to think. Work seems to be the only thing alive, changing, entertaining since the relationship feels completely non existent and dead. Thus, it’s the only thing that has any substance, making it easier to default to since I’m basically holding a conversation with myself anyway. It’s like having two vehicles, one of them has an natural, steady idle while the other keeps dying out. Like you have to force it to stay alive. It’s a bizarre feeling.
He's comparing what it is versus what he wants and she's not filling in the gap BUT he hasn't communicated this with her. She doesn't need to fill in the gap, she just needs to understand the gap that he feels and they need to talk about it.
Me wondering how they got married if they have “NOTHING” in common 🤔 I feel like at a point you can temporarily run out of things to talk about and silence is ok.. start the convo. He doesn’t seem like a talker
@@Wyo2Wis so you’re saying she married him for the benefits ? It seems like he started all this during the time they were married. He keeps calling the business “ours” I think maybe she’s exhausted with the hustle and bustle and just wants him to focus on the family / I could be wrong.. we don’t know these people but I feel like men will make a list of a million things they feel they NEED to do and not everything on the list is always crucial
@@weekendnomad5038 Thing is, with these 1 sided few minutes long conversations, we can't always understand what the main cause of conflict is in the relationship. Could she have married him solely for financial reasons and is now distancing herself emotionally and/or physically? Yes, It's possible. She might also be content with him being a workaholic, but just doesn't want to be his business consultant and romantic love partner together. Maybe she just occasionally wants a cinema/dinner date night. Hard to make accurate conclusions with objectively limited data.
@thomasenbell7087 Remember this- communication which is not wanted due the style, writing tone, experssion and lack of logic can became toxic. If someone does not like your talking/writing style and you insist, than it is harmfull for the person who doesn´t like your style. You have to have that capability to understand when you make your self toxic and the communication must be over. There are many reason, that a communication can became toxic. For me is simple-the transparent bullshiting, not clever, lack of puropse, lack of smart words, lies, try to show off something that you are not and the vocabulary. That means a lot. At one point I get to wonder: Are so stupid , that you dont realize how much you are derailing and intoxiacte me with bullshiting? It is self awareness, or lack of intelligence.
Why the heck did y’all get married then?! I mean, I get it I’ve been married to my husband almost 11 years and yeah, some days there’s not a lot to talk about but it’s because we already have a ton of plans and goals ahead of us. Now having a 9 month old son, we committed to communicate more than ever before.
It sounds as if this guy is bored, not wanting to put effort in or doesn't know how to fix things. The #1 aspect that has to be there is that he has to love his wife enough to want to make it work. There's no input from his wife, so, it's difficult to know if she is aware that her husband feels this way.
Having differences is such a slippery slope. My girlfriend and I differ on so many levels but we agree on the important things. we ended up believing in opposites attract lol
Disney and social media got all of us messed up looking at perfect couples and fairy tales not brothers and sisters this is not Disney or Facebook or ig this is real life and if you find a person to share your life with that cares for you you are beyond blessed gratitud should be overflowing from your heart.
I totally see his issue and what the problem is here. He isn’t communicating with her because she doesn’t respect him. She doesn’t respect his decision making, his thinking, his leadership with the Buisness. She is criticizing (disrespectful) him and it’s ruining their intimacy. He literally just wants to feel appreciated (cheerleader) for providing. I don’t really think he cares that’s she’s not “interested” in the Buisness. He just wants to feel supported by his wife.
I am sure the wife will have a way different take on this. This dude is far from being a good husband if he’s obsessed with business and money. He will learn the hard way, and hopefully, when it’s not too late. I am sure she wants to spend quality time with him. No business talk, no bs. Remember, time is a priceless asset we have. It cannot be bought for any amount of money, neither can one go back in time for any amount of money.
Devaluation come from a deeper point. If she does not respect him, it is because she saw his real face and innerperson. Belive me , she knows better what she have at the door.
My parents have nothing in common. But they both are potato couches, so a lot of their non-serious conversations involve talking about characters from various TV shows and movies 🤷🏻♀️
That’s so sad. I hope one day the can turn off the TV and find something more important / significant. Their lives would be so much richer and fulfilled.
I don't think the caller in invested in the marriage enough to do what's needed for it to last. He didn't show interest in her and what she does. He instead talked about himself and what he expects and wants from her. If he meets a woman who he thinks fulfills what he expects and wants, he'll probably leave his wife, that is if he doesn't mature before meets that woman.
I work in a nursing home/assistant living and I talk a lot to people who can’t remember plus other issues- takes the brain a minute to respond to properly to discussion. I want quiet. My husband is the opposite and just talks one sided.
Yes quiet is a sign of dementia. According to the 8 types of intelligence, high decibels are for misophony disorder and also dementia. In the grave you can have quiet or at crazy hospital. People that have such issues must stay away from society, as they have mental disorder.
Would be interested to see John and Dave talk about this one Dave has the experience of building a small business from scratch Building a business is lonely sometime there is a need to have someone to share the stress with and say its worth it and say i understand. that can be another businesses buddy, coach, spouse etc
I think what the caller was saying was he is reluctant to talk to his wife because she tends to criticize him and he doesn’t feel accepted (a tendency women have.) I would recommend they both go to a therapist where she can learn to listen to her man talk about work without critiquing him so he can feel himself around her.
No, the marriage wont work. You have to be able to talk to each other. You cant just spend everyday having sex with each other, even though i know a lot of us wish we could. You have to have A LOT in common to make a marriage work. Also, dont take marriage advice from john here. Hes a nice guy, but his own marriage is sinking and he cant even see his wife doesnt like him very much.
Yep - he's playing Dr John with the same rules. He's the one with the problem. He's the caller! And his problem is poor communication skills. He can't even express himself in this call. He's just blaming his wife. He's completely focused on his business and only sees his wife as a cheerleader, like how musicians call their gf their groupie. Unless there are kids, the wife should dump him. He's just a zombie robot puppet.
“Are you more than work?” Was the best question asked in this call. No, he’s not. His dream was/is to build a business, not a marriage and family. I’m still unclear what he really wants here…I guess a wife just as obsessed with building this business as he is? Dude needs some hobbies. All work and no play…
He begs her to care and give input, then when she does he can't take her opinion (which he interprets as criticism because it isn't what he wanted to hear). No wonder she isn't interested.
People get into relationships with the wrong ones just to not be lonely. This is why so many marriages are miserable. If you have no chemistry or lack common goals or values you have no business being together.
I disagree. I think they get into them for superficial reasons. Biblically speaking it is vanity.
And yet they find themselves with someone and they’re still lonely
People get into relationships because of the hope of what something could be. Not because of what it is. And they don’t know what their own individual needs and wants are hoping the other will continuously give them that constant joy or that constant affirmation of being complete and enough for someone else. The problem is our relationship failures are always because our expectations of others is in our own minds not what reality is. People need to always be able to dodge and weave, ebb and flow with all the constant obstacles and changes that occur to everyone. Finding the person that is willing to stick by you while you change is an understanding of growth and maturity.
Right you are!! I'm living it.
Very true.
Terrible communication with a spouse most often will lead to misery and/or divorce.
Really? That's so insightful.
Just joking..🤣
Guaranteed ☝🏾
I would say 99.999999999999% of the time, yea.
I can relate to this call so much, but the wife's side. My husband LOVES computer programming and does all sorts of projects for me and I appreciate the work, but when he starts talking about it, I completely glaze over. I love that he has something he loves, but I don't have the capacity to learn the basic language to have a basic conversation. I nod along and heep praise when he does what he wanted to do, but I literally don't have the capacity to have a conversation with him about it. Just like he doesn't care about my current obsession with acrylic painting. We both heep praise at the end product, but don't EXPECT each other to have the same passion. We're different people, but we can appreciate the other.
I understand. I'd be afraid of any woman that devours sports and military history like I do. My wife is Thai and that's a whole different can of worms, but we have great chemistry and I'm a good stepfather to our son.
Just have to find time for each other and develop things to enjoy together.
Good luck! I've only been married a year so I need some luck as well
My husband and I are total opposites but we fit so well together. It does take work and effort, but it is a joy to know him more every day. 21 years later, he still makes me feel loved every day.
conflict delayed is conflict amplified. Thank you for another good quote, Dr. John
It was hard for John to get anything out of this caller. The wife I'm sure has the same hard time talking to this guy.
Yes. He kind of sounded like he wanted John to have a different take on it or a different answer. And the guy said at first they communicate fine, but they don't talk. He's confused and only seeing his own perspective. I admire his desire to work hard and have his own business to support his family. Sounds to me like his wife is just burned out on hearing about it. It doesn't mean she doesn't value it or him. But that doesn't mean she values it more the harder he works. She wants to be with him, not his job. I bet a lot of conversations they have often turn back to his job, or he has nothing else interesting to say because he's always thinking about his business.
Why does this type even call in? It's like pulling teeth and they still try to dodge the questions even though they were the one calling in for help. He wants to talk about his business issues for hours, but then gets upset that she actually gives feedback. He is upset his wife doesn't interact exactly the same as his male buddies. Does he even ask about her workday? I bet not. It's all about him/his business.
Yeah, this guy is the problem. It has nothing to do with his wife. And his problem is that he is blaming his wife for his problem! Unless there are kids, the wife needs to fly solo. Listening to this video was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I can't imagine living with him 24/7.
But it’s people like this, who have trouble expressing themselves or recognizing what the real problem is, who need counseling the most. That’s why it’s so important for them to find someone like John, who is skilled at digging in and helping them find the answers.
@@lilo4399 No, the marriage is very salvageable. Maybe this convo will help him.
My husband was like this. It was so confusing because it was objectively untrue. He'd say, oh we don't have the same tastes in this or that, when the reality was that while we didn't have the exact same taste, we had plenty of common ground. But it was the differences that were the only thing he could focus on for whatever reason. I believe he was projecting onto me his disinterest of hearing me talk about things he didn't care about. He just assumed I would care as little about subject a from him as he cared about subject b from me. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need to care about the subject, only that he was interested in it, to want to listen to him. That's a foreign concept to some people I guess.
Very insightful, thank you for sharing 🤗
Was his name Richard? 🤣
Like my husbands anime . I’ll still listen attentively 🤣😂 but I encourage him to have guy friends too and my best friend and her boyfriend love anime so that works for me .. regardless I still listen attentively and ask questions. Sorry your husband is doing this it’s weird. I feel like when men start to do this there may be a woman at work they talk to about the things you don’t have in common with them and that they are projecting it on you :/ but hopefully that’s not the case
Are you talking about my hubby too?! WE have had the same argument. He gets mad when I tell him I just want him to enjoy a convo cuz its ME trying to show him my passions.
I literally feel the same. I am totally disinterested in some of the things he is excited about but cuz its him, I am happy to listen.
He got mad me years ago to stop doing that because it isnt genuine and its fake interest and he doesnt get why I would listen to him talk if the subject as something I didn’t care about. I told him: Because I love YOU and want to hear and learn about what excites you.
He then told me he could never do that and he wished I would stop.
That was a decade ago and now he feels clueless as to why we feel no connection.
I try hard to respect his wishes but I cant just be rude and ignore or ask him to stop even if he does it to me.
@@weekendnomad5038 No, you're right about there having been other women. I just doubt he was talking to them about physics and outer space.
John has a rare gift. He understands the heart of a woman. What a breath of fresh air to feel heard and understood ❤
one question saved my marriage; do you want my input or do you want me to just listen?
John did a great job pulling out the real issue here. It went from not talking on a car ride to lack of support for his ambitions, to balance/boundaries.
Why do people like this get married in the first place? If you can't talk to each other it means your personalities don't match. If you really love each other you can talk about anything and the conversation flows. If you love someone even if you are not interested in the same things as them you will still listen and try to learn about it because it is important to THEM. Most peoples relationships and marriages are so phony and based on physical attraction and that is it.
My Dad did this same to my Mom = his wife, and his own family, and, boy, did it get tragic. He worked very hard, no holidays, no work-life balance. He neglected his health, his sleep, neglected all good things in life, and he never wanted to do anything "fun". It seemed to bore him. When at a show he fell asleep. When at any gathering (family, friends, celebration) - within minutes he'd find some guy to talk business with. When taking a trip somewhere interesting, it turned into his business-trip, and an endless boring, insecure waiting in the car for those who were his actual travelling companions.
He was very successful and sought after for his professional skills. And he was steadfastly convinced that he gave his life only for his family, implying family was his wife and kids.
I was only a kid, maybe an early teen, when I realized, he didn't do this for HIS family, but that he did every thing only to impress his own father, who regularly interrogated him, and with whom he regularly, in person or on the phone, for hours reported his successes. His father was his "demon" figuratively speaking.
And my Mom clearly missed her husband, he was so obviously the love of her life. She always told him, that what they had was enough, she needed only his time, not a bigger income, not gold bracelets, nor roses as amends, not restaurant meals for the family as an excuse for forgotten Mother's Days and Weddingdays. She wanted him at home, and she wanted to take care of him to keep up his health, because he had started their engagement as a handsome, strong, fit farmer, and in 20 years he turned fat, sedentary, sleep-deprived, stressed, cardriving, unrecognizable ... as being a responsible boss at a company that had him flying all over the continent at any hours.
My father died after several preventable, predictable illnesses, for which he was warned, and the whole family feared, and so he died all too early and my Mom had more than 20 lonely years as a widow to regret her helplessness in the process...
It was as he was hypnotized by his image of success - he probably had an inferiority complex, though it was unbelievable, he was smart, skillful, the pillar of his company, brilliant even, often witty, a double engineer, always a problemsolver outside the family... He was intelligent enough to get his priorities right, why couldn't he just do it?
I just say, Chris, wake up from your hypnosis, or it turns to a nightmare. You are already in a so blurred state, that you cannot find concrete clear words to describe the problems in your marriage - look for talk-therapy to learn to express your values, feelings, needs, thoughts, and learn to be honest and clear.
I wish you all the best, you've just been married 3 years, you can save it all and be happy with your wife. Really, think about it, you deserve to be happy and you can do it! You've started by calling Dr Delony, do read his books, get a therapist, talk with your wife, daily and on retreats, write a diary... make a marriage-recovery-plan, learn what is needed to be successful as a husbans, you will be proud, contenr, joyful, and you can learn the skills needed, don't rely on wishful thinking and childish believes about psychological issues, every time you tell yourself "she is like this or that, or just not X, Y, Z", tell yourself you are wrong and that you have no grounds to assume any such thing! It is all in your head and there you've got it wrong in third grade or something. You need a grown-up, modern and sophisticated view of how people function. Think about that, please!
I enjoyed reading your account of how your father's life played out, as well as how it affected your mother. It sounds a bit like how my father, who just passed about 4 months ago now, lived his life as well. You gave some really solid advice at the end of your comment. Hopefully those who can relate to our fathers will heed the advice and really improve their lives/mental state/family relationships. Anyway, thanks for sharing.
@@CestLaVieMonAmor Thank you, dear Katelyn! Condoleances about your father passing!
Thanks for this
@@EverybodyLovesSarah That is so tragic, I know. It makes both wife and children unhappy, too - nobody gains in such families.
Sad. Type A personality. My dad had one but met Christ in high school and learned balance. Was always home by 6 30 and took us kids places on the weekends. His last words were, I love you guys.
I just sat here listening to this guy, thinking he's crazy. He just needs to relax. Then Dr. John drops that advice about wanting his wife to "just be proud" of him... Now I feel like I have way more in common with this guy.
if people can make jokes, or both enjoy gardening, or have faith in common, there is always something to talk about
Caller wants conversations with wife but doesn't want her input. Go figure.
Couples need autonomy. I see that sometimes couples who work together at same place, or work from home or are retired, tend to be together too much and then get on each others nerves.
The other thing that Dr mentioned, is that couples HAVE to say Thank You, I appreciate you. Celebrate your spouse!
Yeah. This guy wants a business consultant, best friend, and romantic partner all wrapped up into 1 package. Barring statistical outliers, this just rarely ever works out.
A lot of times as guys we really want to feel like we're good enough or doing good enough, so whenever someone compliments, encourages, or even notices us we love it and we need it badly
That sounds like an unhealthy need for attention and validation with a side of codependency. The fact is, most people, not just men, do the bare minimum thats expected, but want others to validate them. Going to work is nothing that needs validation or praise. A man needs to work whether hes married or not. I dont look for praise from my husband just because i cleaned the house. I would have to clean my home whether i was married or not. My point is people ask for way too much outside validation because they cant just be proud of themselves. A simple thank you is all any sane, stable person should ever need to feel appropriated. Asking for anything more for your mundane tasks is asking your partner to be super human and it also means you arent in control of your own feelings.
@@carolallison9685 i agree, the validation shouldn't be the main reason for doing anything but it definitely helps and is always appreciated
@@carolallison9685 there's a lot more insecure people out there than you may realise
@@carolallison9685 have you heard of the five love languages? One is called words of affirmation is a main way people feel loved. If your main way of feeling loved was gifts, I would t call you greedy because gifts are a symbol of someone’s thoughtfulness and affection for you.
No it doesn’t. It’s a healthy support system that partners should share. Should be warm, loving and complimentary. Not cold like you make a partnership sound smh
This hits home. I have always been a highly competitive individual and tend to measure success in how big my bank account is (typical Asian mentality). I think I should contemplate more about what success in my family really means.
True. You can't take it with you
I think a lot of times if we want something we have to give it first. Start by telling your wife how proud you are of her. Do you listen to her talk about her job? That’s a good starting point. Model the behavior you want to see. Also research the love languages. That book helped my fiancé and I see we communicate love differently.
When your with your best friend (my husband)you talk about everything and anything Whether it’s fascinating to you or him or not. Remember opposites attract but the usually don’t stay together.
Yah. We were friends in college. He seemed more interested in me before marriage and I am still in him.
He for a looong time, like 14 yrs into this marriage now… somehow has lost interest in pursuing anything with me that isnt directly what he wants to do.
Its hard when someone tried so hard to be close and then stops after he puts a ring on it!
I understand him wanting his wife to be a “cheerleader” meaning he just wants her to be supportive.. I swear men need this. Make him feel like he can do anything. You can still chime in when you think something is a bad idea and yes let him know when you appreciate his hard work.. have to have a happy medium. Make him feel like he can accomplish anything but also warn him if he’s about to do something dumb bc he values your opinion
It’s actually very easy to cheerlead someone who is working hard and isn’t doing stupid things. It comes naturally.
I unfortunately know too many men who want to be supported even when they’re doing childish things that make no sense and are unfair to the family unit.
Damn this dude gives good advice. His consistently has angles and viewpoints I wouldn’t have considered.
His discussions are always so mind opening and profound!
lol
I remember watching video about what men want from their partners at different decades. The video showed that men in their 30s want their wife to be supportive of their dreams and lifestyle. This guy sounds and applies to him.
I've seen & heard way too many couples talk about how their spouse just didn't show them appreciation, and then some more attractive 3rd party somehow starts looking irresistable. I hope that's not the case here.
Wow this is the best marriage advice I've ever heard. That situation is extremely common but rarely explained so we'll from the 2 viewpoints/expectations. After 30 years of marriage I can say we went through those same exact things and we're so glad we stayed together and worked it out.
It won’t work if you have nothing in common with your partner. In my opinion!
How did they date and decide to get married if they have “nothing in common”?
@Beastbombshell Couples that have similar interests to a similar degree tend to have healthier relationships. These partners show interest in one another, think alike, share passion, enjoy similar adventures, and in the end, bond.
When you see people online saying they get bored of other partners who share similar interests and would rather be with someone who they have nothing in common with or put up with abuse in a relationship it’s because that person thrives on drama, arguing, fighting, and unhealthy relationships. These are the same kind of people who don’t care if their partner has similar spiritual or religious beliefs, any common hobbies, or if they have any similar goals or dreams in life and are usually not for marriage in the first place. If they do get married it's usually because of superficial reasons.
They may end up getting into a romantical relationship because the other person has money, they need a roommate, just going for looks, want a child because they are insecure about getting old, or trying to fill some void in life.
Maybe growing up they came from an unhealthy family that argued a lot so when it comes to seeking a partner they would rather settle for what they are familiar with or personally feel that’s acceptable behavior than settle for what could be a healthy partner for them.
Sadly this whole "opposite attraction thing" has infiltrated all aspects of society and I don't think it's going to get better in the future. We are currently seeing half of Americans not in a serious relationship. And believe me, there’s a lot of unhealthy relationships out there right now.
I don't know, but I wish I could meet any man that has ambition and drive to provide stability for his family. I only meet men with zero ambition and don't want anything serious. If I get the opportunity I dont mind grinding with my husband to build together. It can take alot to break the cycle of poverty. I understand the balance that's needed in a marriage and I hope they can work it out.
Stop dating black men.
That's a very interesting statement about not being able to meet men with ambition. Who are you ladies dating? Lol. Im single because I was afraid to commit. I'm an ok looking chick and in my prime I've met a few solid dudes but I was the one trippin. Consider your location and hopefully your fit , feminine and friendly and you will get your man.
@@JustBree716 I've been in Dallas area for the past 16 years, previously was married and now single. Dating is a train wreck and your correct..I have been considering moving. There are many men that are doing well in my area, but they don't want to be with ppl like me..seems like. The only men that wanted to be serious with me had no ambition, no home/apt and etc. I'd rather stay single than deal with struggle love and ohhh...they weren't loyal.
@@IMAN-hc3fz what do you mean by people like you. Just curious
@@IMAN-hc3fz How old are you? Do you have children and are you financially self sufficient?
My boyfriend used to talk about 3 things…. Work, sneakers, and cars but would never have feedback on anything else. Talking about work is not helpful because it takes the focus away from your relationship and connecting with each other. Venting once in a while or asking for feedback is supported, but it’s all in the WAY and how often you speak about work. It should not interfere with what brought you together to begin with. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend about how much I support his work, but also told him that we need other things to talk about. We need mutual conversation in a relationship to keep us together. Pulling your significant other into your time-consuming affairs is not always healthy. She doesn’t have to have a passion for your job for it to last. All you need is an understanding of what helps you two connect. The differences between two people are just as necessary as having the same values and having things in common
My husband and I have very little in common as far as pastimes, hobbies and interests. Doesn’t matter, you don’t need to experience everything together, what would you have to talk about! If you love each other and you are both good people, that’s all you need! ❤️
if they really love you they give you the time; listening, asking questions about ur hobbies
Now days people are saying, “ I have an idea lets get married ,spend a ton of money on a ring , have a fabulous wedding ,post a ton of pics and we can get to know each other later ! “
Pure genius stuff here !
lol exactly
It honestly sounds like this guy needs some buddies to hang out with and then he will have stuff to talk about, if they are always together there is nothing to talk about.
He just said he had friends that he could talk to
Hanging with friends don’t really help when you feel your spouse literally doesn’t care about what you find important.
This is why I won't marry someone that I don't have anything in common with. People say I'm being too picky, but I have tried dating men that I had little in common with and there was no chance of longevity. I would rather wait to find the real thing, then settle and be in this circumstance.
That's why I'm attracted to friendship. I want to marry a friend. Most people don't find friendship attractive 🤷🏽♂️
Who is the caller comparing his wife to? He starts off by saying he can drive with someone else and not be at a loss for words. Makes one wonder if the “someone else” is a female.
He wants more "you're doing great" and less "I'd do it this way"
I don't know if they have kids but marriage is about responsibility and duty. Dang it man, I learned a lot about not what to do in a marriage from my parents but a huge lesson I took is that they do a lot of talking and I never felt like they resented each other nor was there any tension. Im not married but I too had to learn that I could be in a relationship and be silent at times and it not be awkward.
I think that people get married before they truly know each other. I'm about to marry my best friend on our 10 year anniversary!
Love languages issue. Guy needs to read the 5 love languages book. It's way more than the simple list. Please people. Read it.
Why did you even get married then?
Dr. John is sooooo damn good!!!
He’s really not. He talks about himself too much.
I like him in this role much more than when he is taking calls with Dave on financial matters.
That is tough! This man is trying to start a business. It takes everything you have to make it. With that being said, I so regret not setting boundaries with my business. In hindsight, I could have cut back my hours and my business would have still survived. My relationships did not. You also need to spend time building long-term friendships. If you don't, when you get older you will find yourself all alone.
The thing is that when he is with his side piece they talk non stop…but when he gets with his wife she is quiet and drama free… he wants some spontaneity… he is comparing her to someone…been there.
What? That’s such a toxic assumption
The truth though probably
@@gooserich3970it is probably true. Sucks. Are you male or female?
Huh? How can you assume that?
@bettycoutts4739 because that’s just how it is sometimes…and when a woman cheats she save all the nasty stuff for the guy she’s cheating with when all along that’s what the husband wants a freaky wife….everything is totally opposite when you get married….you really don’t know the person until you divorce them.
your love language is words of affirmation!
This all makes sense.. men will list a million and one things mentally of what they feel they need to do to progress in life and some of the things aren’t even important .. or .. they are just doing too much and the plan doesn’t make sense.. isn’t a good plan.. this is why they need us to help them sort the mess 🤣♥️ sounds like this guy is putting too much on his plate and his wife just wants her husband back .. and not a husband that’s always stressed over work. My husband gets stressed over progressing too.. I just try to encourage him while still encouraging him to have outlets (friend time ) and have fun with me … I love laughing together and enjoying each other . It’s so important
You slapped me with this one dude. I'm a wife, unemployed, husband is trying to push me into work so that he can transition into something less physically demanding. Already talking about incurring more bills... I am... Resisting, and quite irrationally, immaturely, I'm finding every excuse to not make the call. I know it's fucked up, he needs a break
"or B. you're kinda being a jerk, just sitting in your head starving your wife of your relationship"
Maybe I'm the one doing that. When he talks about his vision of the future, it shows me that I really really don't share his values; that's not the direction that I would take AT ALL, especially if I'm the one generating the finances. I'm not negotiating my needs, not finding a reason to speak up, reluctant to dash his hopes & expectations. I'm being the jerk, and now I understand a little more coherently how
Thanks John
Don‘t go into work if really don‘t want to. You will be working AND taking care of the household and the kids and he will get a younger one after he cannot hear you nagging anymore that it‘s too mich and of you looking tired and getting no sex.
@@melawieeinapfel8594 Not that you're wrong but project much?
I bet she's angry and resentful. The marriage isn't over, it just needs some adjustment. I went thru something similar. It's better now through communication and compromise.
My husband and I are together 25 years. We have nothing in common. That would be so boring. And we have different opinions on things too. But you can absolutely enjoy being with someone, in fact I like it more. It would be weird if he liked makeup and paper crafts. 😂
I think people have silly expectations for what a "good" relationship is. They think it's perfect and fun all the time, and as beautiful as a Pinterest board.
But the reality is there are peaks and valleys, we age, our opinions change, our bodies change. People just can't conceptualize what forever actually looks like.
I've been married 10 years and I know we're barely getting started. And we've had like 8 major life events and pitfalls since it began. But we're still strong because we work at being better partners to each other every day.
The best response to this in my opinion is actually given by The Marriage Foundation. They have a RUclips channel and a unique perspective. Let me say I love THIS show and this show is wonderful wonderful wonderful but to extend this discussion people should see the marriage foundations video on this same topic.
I think I understand what the caller is saying. The wife feels like a liability more than an asset. Entrepreneurs often think that way. Caller is learning he's gonna have to find a way to prioritize both separately, as Dr. John is saying. Well done peeling back this onion!
Simply ask her a question about herself or about one of her subjects. And then when she responds, ask her another question. That’s a very good way to start a conversation. Men don’t do this enough.
this caller is going to need a lot of help and time to get through. he has identify himself with his business. i can relate to the caller. i'm working on myself every single day. it's never ending but once i re-adjust my thoughts and perspective everything is ok. it takes a lot of practice. some days are better than others. i'm grateful i have a loving, understanding, and patient husband who allows me to deal with my issues. i give him chances as well, but can work more on giving him compassion. you cannot control what your spouse says, do, react, and choices. just know that if they come home, they are choosing you. if both are willing to work on themselves and respect each other, both can grow together. it'll never be perfect, but it will get better and stronger. oh and boundary, communication, and empathy is the tools i use to be a better person.
Thank you John. This was an extremely heart felt episode. Great advice.
He wants her to follow him but she happens to have her own life and interests. Oops! 😂
Like he said, he wants a side cheer leader. He is married to his career, not her. It's a matter of priorities.
I've not heard him saying that he wants her to talk to him about her own stuff. He is not interested in that and she probably feels that. It's a 2-way street.
Yes. He kind of sounded like he wanted John to have a different take on it or a different answer. And the guy said at first they communicate fine, but they don't talk. He's confused and only seeing his own perspective. I admire his desire to work hard and have his own business to support his family. Sounds to me like his wife is just burned out on hearing about it. It doesn't mean she doesn't value it. But she wants to be with him, not his job. And I don't remember him saying anything about her. What does she do? Is she working? They definitely need to reform a vision of marriage together or it doesn't look promising to me.
Exactly. He's a business owner first and husband second.
Communication is the 🔑 key.
People have to learn how to be comfortable in silence, if I’m not comfortable around you in silence we cannot be together or you can’t be my friend. The pressure of always having to talk about something is exhausting in my opinion. Also, he sounds awfully boring… Like he’s a stick in the mud, he made me yawn during this entire call… The issue is him. 😐
The wife is simply uncurious and it bothers him that she doesn't show any interest in something so important to him.
I think the problem is also he is only interested in work. He said that’s what he’s about. When everything revolves around his job I’m sure she just wants to find anything else to talk about.
@@kerryofthecanyon6198 men can get obsessed with work, entertainment, studying, projects, hobbies to a point where they ignore relationships and foster emotional closeness and connect with others.
Then they get mad when their spouse calls out that thing cuz its their thing they are hiding behind due to something going on inside them they want to ignore and not face.
They both need to compromise
WE have had the same arguments about interests. He gets mad when I tell him I just want him to enjoy a convo cuz its ME trying to show him my passions.
I literally feel the same. I am totally disinterested in some of the things he is excited about but cuz its him, I am happy to listen.
He got mad me years ago to stop doing that because it isnt genuine and its fake interest and he doesnt get why I would listen to him talk if the subject as something I didn’t care about. I told him: Because I love YOU and want to hear and learn about what excites you.
He then told me he could never do that and he wished I would stop.
That was a decade ago and now he feels clueless as to why we feel no connection.
I try hard to respect his wishes but I cant just be rude and ignore or ask him to stop even if he does it to me.
16 years in and he mostly ignores me and my needs and interests and play videos on stuff and plays video games while I play the piano, volunteer at church and play with our kids that I also homeschool.
Yet still expects physical times and rarely compliments any aspects about me besides my cooking and my physical attributes he like cuz he wants some.
Its hard but I chose him and until it gets decidedly worse. I have to have friends that appreciate me for me.
Its hard but I have decided to continue on and give some grace and find relational satisfaction with friends.
He seems self focused and I cant fix that. He knows very little about me 16 years in besides basic stuff and I try to bond emotionally and get that “oneness” and connection. He literally told me he doesnt understand what I mean and all that is emotional mumbo jumbo.
Its sad he is so emotionally bound up he cant connect with anyone. I never knew this. In just thought my brokenness was at fault. Now I see he played a part (and admitted he did because it “mattered” in college and when we were single). Now it doesnt “matter”…. Not me, our kids, our life and living for God…. He doesnt think anyone is grading him so he can live how he wants.
He does the bare mediocre minimum to make me and the kids “happy” in his mind while we are all emotionally starved for a connection with him.
I just keep praying for a miracle and hoping some of the men at church will guide my sons in the way they should go and be more proactive with my kids and I will just do what I can until he does something worse or gets it finally.
I think this guy can't hear this. He doesn't see his wife.
That's what I felt. Like he wasn't very enthusiastic about John's answer because it indicated that just because you work hard at your own business doesn't mean you get to always be the center of attention.
No. Couples don't need to have absolutely everything in common for the relationship to work, but if they disagree on core values (religion, politics, life goals, etc.) then they shouldn't be together in the first place.
Yeah, you need many points in common with the person you have chemistry otherwise it like just a friend.
His short little mhm’s say it all. And when he said “I’m cheating on you” and it was dead silent…? Yeah he’s cheating. Period.
This is exactly what happened to Walter White. Except there was more meth involved.
Yeah, just a bit more meth………..it makes a huge difference😄😄😄😄😄
I am not sure that this caller really opened up about his issues. I was confused till the end of the call about what’s bothering him
He was very emotionally inarticulate, I noticed a lot of the men who call in are. When John starts asking the hard questions they can't explain the problem exactly or what it is that bothers them, they don't have the language for it.
A man’s purpose and goal in life is #1 but that doesn’t mean you disregard people in your life. they need to sit down and have a conversation about the plans for the business. a detailed plan. his wife should be his #1 fan and supporter.
You know what? That's some good preachin with John.
I can relate to this man on every level.
It’s not that I choose not to communicate with my significant other. It’s not that I want to be a jerk. It’s that we legitimately cannot hold a single, simple, light hearted conversation. I’ve thought about this a lot and have used the car scenario, actually. I can be in the car with a complete stranger and hold a completely pointless, light hearted conversation for the entire duration on the ride and when asked what we talked about, it’s like I can’t answer the question. Like …. I don’t even know, we talked about any and everything.
But my significant other and I, we can’t even hold a conversation for 5 minutes. It never goes anywhere. At all. It is incredibly strange and uncomfortable. I’ve thought about it for a very long time and I’ve not been able to come up with anything other than “We just have NOTHING to say to each other. We have NOTHING in common.” So work does seem to be THE ONLY thing that stimulates my brain and requires me to think. Work seems to be the only thing alive, changing, entertaining since the relationship feels completely non existent and dead. Thus, it’s the only thing that has any substance, making it easier to default to since I’m basically holding a conversation with myself anyway.
It’s like having two vehicles, one of them has an natural, steady idle while the other keeps dying out. Like you have to force it to stay alive. It’s a bizarre feeling.
That sounds like hell. Why are you even together? Your partner is supposed to be your friend lol
So what was the foundation of your relationship?
How did these two date and get married?
His wife married him and not his job and he’s upset about it. Hmm 🤔
He's comparing what it is versus what he wants and she's not filling in the gap BUT he hasn't communicated this with her. She doesn't need to fill in the gap, she just needs to understand the gap that he feels and they need to talk about it.
Me wondering how they got married if they have “NOTHING” in common 🤔 I feel like at a point you can temporarily run out of things to talk about and silence is ok.. start the convo. He doesn’t seem like a talker
Resources. He owns several companies.
@@Wyo2Wis so you’re saying she married him for the benefits ? It seems like he started all this during the time they were married. He keeps calling the business “ours” I think maybe she’s exhausted with the hustle and bustle and just wants him to focus on the family / I could be wrong.. we don’t know these people but I feel like men will make a list of a million things they feel they NEED to do and not everything on the list is always crucial
@@weekendnomad5038 Thing is, with these 1 sided few minutes long conversations, we can't always understand what the main cause of conflict is in the relationship. Could she have married him solely for financial reasons and is now distancing herself emotionally and/or physically? Yes, It's possible. She might also be content with him being a workaholic, but just doesn't want to be his business consultant and romantic love partner together. Maybe she just occasionally wants a cinema/dinner date night. Hard to make accurate conclusions with objectively limited data.
I agreed with him. It’s not a connection in his marriage. You have to relate to one another in a marriage. Communication is the key.
@thomasenbell7087 Remember this- communication which is not wanted due the style, writing tone, experssion and lack of logic can became toxic. If someone does not like your talking/writing style and you insist, than it is harmfull for the person who doesn´t like your style. You have to have that capability to understand when you make your self toxic and the communication must be over. There are many reason, that a communication can became toxic. For me is simple-the transparent bullshiting, not clever, lack of puropse, lack of smart words, lies, try to show off something that you are not and the vocabulary. That means a lot. At one point I get to wonder: Are so stupid , that you dont realize how much you are derailing and intoxiacte me with bullshiting? It is self awareness, or lack of intelligence.
Why the heck did y’all get married then?! I mean, I get it I’ve been married to my husband almost 11 years and yeah, some days there’s not a lot to talk about but it’s because we already have a ton of plans and goals ahead of us. Now having a 9 month old son, we committed to communicate more than ever before.
John, You're Amazing again! I love your advice that you give!
17:00 - exactly! Dr John is awesome!!!
It sounds as if this guy is bored, not wanting to put effort in or doesn't know how to fix things.
The #1 aspect that has to be there is that he has to love his wife enough to want to make it work. There's no input from his wife, so, it's difficult to know if she is aware that her husband feels this way.
John GETS this!! Go go go!!!
So why the hell did u marry her if u cant talk to her?what were u doing during dating?
Having differences is such a slippery slope. My girlfriend and I differ on so many levels but we agree on the important things. we ended up believing in opposites attract lol
Disney and social media got all of us messed up looking at perfect couples and fairy tales not brothers and sisters this is not Disney or Facebook or ig this is real life and if you find a person to share your life with that cares for you you are beyond blessed gratitud should be overflowing from your heart.
I totally see his issue and what the problem is here. He isn’t communicating with her because she doesn’t respect him. She doesn’t respect his decision making, his thinking, his leadership with the Buisness. She is criticizing (disrespectful) him and it’s ruining their intimacy. He literally just wants to feel appreciated (cheerleader) for providing. I don’t really think he cares that’s she’s not “interested” in the Buisness. He just wants to feel supported by his wife.
I am sure the wife will have a way different take on this.
This dude is far from being a good husband if he’s obsessed with business and money.
He will learn the hard way, and hopefully, when it’s not too late.
I am sure she wants to spend quality time with him.
No business talk, no bs.
Remember, time is a priceless asset we have.
It cannot be bought for any amount of money, neither can one go back in time for any amount of money.
Devaluation come from a deeper point. If she does not respect him, it is because she saw his real face and innerperson. Belive me , she knows better what she have at the door.
I would feel hurt if my partner told me “I don’t care about that” if I told him about work or something.
My parents have nothing in common. But they both are potato couches, so a lot of their non-serious conversations involve talking about characters from various TV shows and movies 🤷🏻♀️
This seems true for a lot of people and your parents at least have TV in common. That’s a lot!!
That’s so sad. I hope one day the can turn off the TV and find something more important / significant. Their lives would be so much richer and fulfilled.
He needs to buy John Delony’s conversation cards. Problem solved.
I don't think the caller in invested in the marriage enough to do what's needed for it to last. He didn't show interest in her and what she does. He instead talked about himself and what he expects and wants from her. If he meets a woman who he thinks fulfills what he expects and wants, he'll probably leave his wife, that is if he doesn't mature before meets that woman.
This guy is all about his dreams and wants and he wants her to help him with HIS dreams and wants. Not one time did he mention her dreams or wants.
I work in a nursing home/assistant living and I talk a lot to people who can’t remember plus other issues- takes the brain a minute to respond to properly to discussion. I want quiet. My husband is the opposite and just talks one sided.
Yes quiet is a sign of dementia. According to the 8 types of intelligence, high decibels are for misophony disorder and also dementia. In the grave you can have quiet or at crazy hospital. People that have such issues must stay away from society, as they have mental disorder.
He’s just rocking on
Good topics discussed here, John handled it well
Sometimes I wonder how people get married. Do people not get to know each other or just propose for shits and giggles lol
Thanks for the knowledge dr John, many have their priorities out of wack..
This occurs because the husband always tries to argue, correct or have the better outcome.
Why don’t the couples call in together on this show? Then everyone can hear both sides instead of guessing.
A weekly "couples day" is a good idea. Why not suggest it to them?
Would be interested to see John and Dave talk about this one
Dave has the experience of building a small business from scratch
Building a business is lonely sometime
there is a need to have someone to share the stress with and say its worth it and say i understand.
that can be another businesses buddy, coach, spouse etc
I think what the caller was saying was he is reluctant to talk to his wife because she tends to criticize him and he doesn’t feel accepted (a tendency women have.) I would recommend they both go to a therapist where she can learn to listen to her man talk about work without critiquing him so he can feel himself around her.
This ridiculous! How did you date and get married then, it’s some bs
No, the marriage wont work. You have to be able to talk to each other. You cant just spend everyday having sex with each other, even though i know a lot of us wish we could. You have to have A LOT in common to make a marriage work. Also, dont take marriage advice from john here. Hes a nice guy, but his own marriage is sinking and he cant even see his wife doesnt like him very much.
Yikes! What makes you say that?
This caller seems very controlling. If she doesn't say what he wants her to say, he doesn't want her to speak.
Sounds familiar for me.
Yep - he's playing Dr John with the same rules. He's the one with the problem. He's the caller! And his problem is poor communication skills. He can't even express himself in this call. He's just blaming his wife. He's completely focused on his business and only sees his wife as a cheerleader, like how musicians call their gf their groupie. Unless there are kids, the wife should dump him. He's just a zombie robot puppet.
Dude doesn't like his wife
“Are you more than work?” Was the best question asked in this call. No, he’s not. His dream was/is to build a business, not a marriage and family. I’m still unclear what he really wants here…I guess a wife just as obsessed with building this business as he is? Dude needs some hobbies. All work and no play…
He begs her to care and give input, then when she does he can't take her opinion (which he interprets as criticism because it isn't what he wanted to hear). No wonder she isn't interested.