BORDERLINE MOMS: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR DAUGHTERS WHEN MOMS HAVE SEVERE BPD TRAITS
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a painfully challenging mental health issue, both for the person who is struggling, and for others in their life.
BPD is especially wounding for daughters of mothers with BPD and sadly, many women have no idea that their mothers have this disorder.
This video is about the pain of daughters, so they can remove their own shame and internalizing of what they have believed about themselves, NOT about what BPD looks like in all women or mothers with BPD diagnoses or traits.
Many women diagnosed with BPD work extremely hard to heal their lives and be the best parents they can be and they deserve immense support and credit, but this video isn't about women diagnosed with BPD who have worked on themselves and their mental health.
It's about the children who have severe mental health or low self esteem or other Attachment related wounds, as a result of a highly challenging childhood.
The research demonstrates significant impairment in areas for children who grew up in painful environments like this, and there are often extremely high rates of depression, trauma and PTSD, anxiety and low self esteem, among others.
So, they often believe that they are unlovable or unworthy, or that relational issues in their lives with their mothers, partners, friends, etc always come back to one simple cause: "It's my fault."
This video describes a collection of experiences most daughters of mothers with severe BPD describe in terms of their relationships with their mothers.
Upcoming videos will provide further information about BPD.
Whether you struggle with BPD or you love someone who does struggle, you aren't alone. Your pain matters and you matter.
www.drkimsage.com
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (NAMI)
It’s estimated that 1.4% of the adult U.S. population experiences BPD. Nearly 75% of people diagnosed with BPD are women. Recent research suggests that men may be equally affected by BPD, but are commonly misdiagnosed with PTSD or depression.
Symptoms:
People with BPD experience wide mood swings and can feel a great sense of instability and insecurity.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual diagnostic framework, some key signs and symptoms may include: (** 5 of 9 to diagnose:)
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family.
2. Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as "splitting."
3. Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.
4. Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.
5. Self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts.
6. Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger-often followed by shame and guilt.
9. Dissociative feelings-disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or “out of body” type of feelings-and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.
For the mothers getting on here mad about what she is saying, this is not for you. She is speaking from experience with discussions from the daughters and it's extremely accurate. If you don't like it, tough. It's not made to accommodate your sensitive feelings. It's truth.
You are not a very nice woman are you Lisa!! Saying it’s tough if you feel like this!! People can’t help their feelings, their feelings are the one thing that nobody can say are right or wrong. Unintelligent and ignorance springs to mind when I read your contribution to this discussion.
@@mariekelly5834I completely agree with Lisa. If you feel attacked by this comment, you need to self evaluate.
Marie Kelly Then you are obviously on the wrong thread
Picture how hard it is too be the mom KNOWING unintentional moments of illness has affected your children an hopefully going forward love respect boundaries can prevail mother's FEEL the brunt of their Disability
@@im_saved_by_grace My mother doesn't. I'm 39 and she has said these things in FRONT of me at a lactation appointment 2 weeks after I gave birth. So sorry, that you feel that ALL mothers love their children and have the ability to self evaluate but when my mother tells me she has no empathy. Than alot of mothers who can't stomach what is the truth need to seek therapy. But my mother never will.
She died two years ago...I haven't shed a tear and felt only relief, nobody caused so much pain and misery in my life as her, and I kept trying...taking her with grain of humor, emotionally distancing, talking to her, explaining, trying to help 1001 way, finally going no contact, coming back thinking that maybe she had changed (she was seriousl ill and on her deathbed)...but nothing and in the last years of her life I had to go no contact again, cause I thought she would kill me from stress..literally giving me heart attack or some other illness. It affected my other realationships, I had hard time working cause my brain was so affected, being in constant existential panic. I would prefer to be an orphan ...in a way I feel like one. I'm still dealing with hate and anger I feel for her and also symptoms of cptsd. ..listening to videos like yours is so validating, thank you!
Thank you. Existential Panic is the perfect phrase to describe that feeling.
@@kimberlyharrington8850 Sorry, that you know the feeling...hope you get better!
I would prefer to be an orphan too. Horrible and also neglectful parents.
I feel for you, as I've gone through similar. Have faith that you did deserve more, and be kind and patient with yourself . In a way, we have to learn to become mothers to ourselves. She could do no better by you, sadly , but you didn't deserve it. I hope as your life changes you will find peace and joy, you are now free to try for it.
@@user-sb2wl8zj7f Thank you for your kind words...I hope to find peace and joy again, but as you know, I'm sure...they leave a mess after they die - you notice some other people in the web that were not exactly helpful and you have to rewrite a whole new history of your life to be able to go forward. Hope you are well and wish you all the best!
I’ve never been validated until this video. I actually don’t feel so alone to know others are/have gone through this as well. Thank you.
💜 You aren't alone my friend.
Sadly you're definitely not alone.
@@stoppunishmentwithoutcrime2798 who is this directed to? I know what my mom went through. And I don’t appreciate the assumptions nor do I need your two cents. All I conveyed in my comment was that I felt seen. That’s all. Have a great day
@@AromaticSympathy Just saw the previous comment and it's not here anymore- you deserve to be validated and heard:)
My grandparents ruined my mum. They were narcissists who destroyed her self esteem and she had borderline traits.
Sometimes she was the greatest mum on earth. She was always attuned to my emotions, even when I didn’t tell her I was depressed she would know and cuddle me/ buy me little presents/ leave me notes. Other times she was horrific, even occasionally violent. She was never bitchy to me but she did accuse me of not loving her.
It has left me very confused and full of mood swings.
I miss her so much now she is dead as she was important to me in many ways and as part of her cancer treatment she had therapy so in her final years she was a completely different person. I am angry that she died when she was only just healing from trauma, and I am furious at her parents for screwing her up.
I'm sorry for your lose. I couldn't help but notice that I could've wrote this myself. My mom passed recently. She started working through her trauma and we were able to talk. Even talked about bpd and how that was a possibility. She knows she wasn't the best and started taking accountability. I miss her so much and I miss that I won't get to see that unfold. In someway I do since its that generational trauma and at the end she just wanted me to be happy. It still sucks not to be able to share this though
My mother tells me that I want her dead, because of some bullshit she makes fuss of that wasn't about her to begin with. I don't know what to do with this regular mindfucking.
I respect you for your empathetic approach to the whole issue.
Can sort of relate to you and only years after my gran passed away I heard stories here and there that she wasn't such a lovely mum to her kids.
Considering as well that my gran raised them in wartime (ww2) and my mum was a after war child.
There is this guy called Gabor Mate who talks a lot about generational passed down trauma. Listening to him as well gives so much clarity about circumstances of why someone can become so maladaptive and therefore hurt other immensely.
My one wouldn't call me names (like really swear words) prbly because back then ppl were sort of raised with strict Catholic values....
She did change with age - although I live some 5000 km away on another continent so I may be wrong.... But I do visit her every year. Of course seeing her for just a couple of weeks , so it's easy to "adjust" to one another for good times sake.
So sorry for your loss. I resonated very strongly with what you said about your mum being destroyed by your grandparents. Mine was too - she was programmed from a very young age to look after them as if they were her babies. We all loved together - 3 generations under the same roof. My mum neglected me & my brother in order to tend to her parents' endless needs. It's tragic as she is just a shell of the woman she used to be - deeply traumatised, reactive and bitter. She is now almost impossible to be around.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I still have my mom with me, which I'm thankful for, and when my angers (which is a result of her hurtful behaviors) seems to take the lead, I remember how hard she has tried to be different, how lovely she has been in a very genuine way so many times and how she was a victim of a very cold and ambivalent relationship with her own mom. I loved my grandma, but she could be very cruel as a mother.
I could never fully put my finger on why my relationship with my mom was like the way it was. My therapist told me to look up BPD and I’m blown away because these are all of the things that I’ve experienced with my mom growing up. I almost feel like I’m betraying her by reading about it and educating myself about it. I’ve never felt so seen up until now. Thank you for making this video.
The feeling of betrayal is so real! I feel the same way. I believe it’s because we feel/felt responsible for our mothers’ happiness.
I also feel horribly guilty. Maybe because in the spectrum of personality disorders and bdp my experience with her isn't as extreme as some other people's, but I still have trauma and she can be very hurtful. Yet she and my dad are still the people I love the most in the whole entire world. Distancing myself from her relives me but also makes me sad and guilty. I'm tense when I'm with her, but I miss her when I'm not.
I also feel like I betray her by becoming aware of this information. My mom went from being very attentive and loving to being violent, physically and emotionally, in a matter of minutes. Her violence lasted until I was 28 years old and I put boundaries on her behavior by defending myself(it was almost as hard and traumatic as growing up with her). Now that I am an adult and have been diagnosed with autism, she gaslights her abuse by saying that because I am autistic I was very sensitive (so I exaggerate). It's very confusing because she says these things and at the same time she is always there to support me if I need it. I have had to learn to do many things without asking for help and it makes me sad because I would like to be able to count on my family without feeling like I am selling my soul to the devil.
@@OlimpiaOlimpia This resonates with me too!
My mom has been like this forever. I remember terrible things she said to me even before starting kindergarten that I wouldn't dare say to my worst enemy. My sister's husband and my fiancé are completely baffled by her, they never imagined a mother would behave in that way. If you never experienced it, it can seem unbelievable.
being the only child of a single mother with BPD is absolutely rough and isolating
It absolutely is - sending you support and hope you have someone in your corner:)
👋🏼 And yet we can make it, the future is ours.
I feel this. My mom was free to do what she wanted with me
Oh I can't imagine how you survived that situation! How scary!
I was at least semi protected by my dad. She almost drove him to the funny farm.
Not alone!
I know this is old, but I needed this. My mother was BPD and recently passed. I found a collection of letters where she gleefully detailed her tactics to keep me unmoored, confused and 'in my place'. I can't imagine treating my enemy like that, let alone my child!
Really? So she consciously planned for her manipulations? It’s so horrible, you deserved a good mother like any other child.
Bloody heck, that must have been horrible for you, to see physical evidence such as the letters she wrote with her own hand saying such things. I'm so sorry you went through that. I really hope you're alright now.
So relatable I want to cry. I grew up with a mom who was so unpredictable and at times quite chaotic. When she was in a good mood she loved me so incredibly much, and when she was in a bad mood she would tell me how much she hates being my mom and it was so very confusing. She often treated me like her best friend or like I was the mom. Now that I'm an adult I'm having a very hard time separating as I fear her feeling abandoned, which she has made clear is her biggest fear.
I know these videos can be so painful, but I hope in it being relatable you know that you are not alone and so many are walking around with this type of pain - please take very good care.🙏🏻💕
Girl I hope you got out of that prison. I did and it's getting better getting over the guilt of "abandoning" her.
Just want to make clear that in no way am I saying all moms or people diagnosed with BPD do or say any or all of these things. This is a collection of what the extreme end of what some BPD moms may do and what their wounded daughters have shared with me over the years. ❤️
Fair enough, dock. Borderline personality disorder isn’t just one disease, is it? It’s like this big continuum, that starts out from I feel symptoms all the way to antisocial and defiant disorders and such. Right?👌
So accurate. The splitting, the triangulation, the rage, the devaluation, the abandonment, the sabotage, the fabrication...it is endlessly exhausting. 😥
Thanks for clarifying - that's helpful
Research shows that 'Mams/Mums' are often blamed when discussion of abuse from Dad, poverty or very tricky sociatal social norms may explain a great deal of so called 'mental illness' . I am concerned that you reduce all of our concerns to 'blame Mam'. Please raise issues of poverty, domestic violence and a little more reality into some of your 'shows'. Look up the most respected pcychologist, Thomas Szasz. He said : 'There is illness (medical evidenced illness) and normal responses to abnormal living conditions'. Hope...is that not what you are selling?
Well ... my mother definately was on "the extreme end". But thanks to her gossipping and lying about me to family and friends she managed to isolate me. I never had a mother. And I definately never found a therapist who understands how lonely life is with such a mother. I always feel I have to educate them on the subject.
One so obvious, and therefore not mentioned thing about borderline mothers is that their children never experience true love or safety. Ever. Which is extremely destructive.
My mom never thought she did anything wrong I was the problem.
My mother is the exactly same. It's truly awful to endure. I am glad you have found Dr.Kim's videos. They are so validating and helpful.
sounds familiar (having a BPD mother too)
The BPD moms also engage in a serious competition as well with the daughters as well. My mom flirted with every boyfriend I've ever had.
True, my Mother would embarrass me by flirting with my boyfriends. My Mother had all the Characteristics except, Suicide attempts.
my mother would shame and embarrass me in public so I wouldnt steal the limelight from her. If a man flirted with me she would resort to addressing me as a child. Stuff like that.
My mum read my diary and recited it in front of others, much to my humiliation. It was a form of control, I think.
I’m sorry that you went through that, it’s horrible and I can’t imagine this much hate for a daughter that she should have cherished. Does your mom take responsibility for these actions? Or she denies or she says she can’t remember or it didn’t happen?
So true. This is why my mom was set on ruining me my whole life.
As the daughter of a diagnosed BPD mother, I resonate with so much of this. My mother’s lack of boundary recognition also shows up in social situations where she’s desperate for attention; she’ll share inappropriate and even perverse stories in a bid to grab people’s attention and sometimes their sympathy. If she’s met with disapproval, she immediately dips into a stage of victimhood and self-pity.
Just mock her.
"Waaa! I'm the victim because people don't like my crazy side. My crazy side is a big baby that needs as much approval as my sane side! Bwahahahaha!"
THIS !!!!!
Sounds exactly like my mother. It's awful isn't it? I remember being at a party of my Dad's friend from work, lots of other kids my age were there. The adults were hanging out in the kitchen, I went in to get a drink and my mom was there. She goes "show them that nasty wart on your foot!" I was SO embarrassed and ashamed of that wart, why would I want to show everyone at the party?? WTF. It's shit like that. It's so dehumanizing and downright rude. She wouldn't have liked if I did that to her. No sense of empathy or regard for others feelings at all. Gross human.
and then when you show any anger or shame you are called DRAMA QUEEN, etc. 😓
Sounds like my mother.
I’m the daughter who had no idea her mother has BPD until she broke my heart (again) making me go to therapy. When my therapist explained this to me it was hard to believe it. Watching this video really helped validate my feelings and what happened to me too thank you
I broke out in tears watching this because it felt like my entire life, which I have always been told is not real or my own fault, was finally validated. Literally every single one of these is my mother. Every single one.
I just found out I’m likely suffering from BPD. I’m a mother of two young daughters (7 & 1,5) and I’m now online browsing what it feels like for daughters to grow up with a mother with BPD. I want to find what not to do, because I love them so much. I’ve realized I’ve acted very childish, like a hormonal teenager towards my seven year old and put more weight on her shoulders than needed. I want to learn and change. Thank you for making this video. ❤️
I'm proud of you for admitting this and trying to learn better coping mechanisms. I wish you the best!
Devastating for the kids. I hope you get into therapy so you can get better especially before their puberty.
My mother had borderline/narcissistic traits. Growing up in that family system was a nightmare. The damage this type of mother causes is detrimental.
This is my mom. This is my entire life with her. My adult children tell me ahe tries to speak badly about me to them all the time. I mean everything you mentioned is her. I cut her off years ago because i felt like I was tired of crying over a woman who clearly didn't care to get help and continued to damage me.
The first 16 seconds of this video made me feel more validated than anything else ever has in my life. I haven't even finished the video but just needed to make sure I paused it to THANK YOU. I am 34 years old, and I hate that I still feel this way. I hate feeling like this. I have always felt such shame for feeling this way about my mother. I have never heard anyone else say these things about their mom, I feel shame for having such the thoughts in my own head, and I have been feeling immense guilt for thinking/ wishing these things. THANK YOU for helping me see this is a normal response for me to have after enduring so much painful emotional/ mental abuse and neglect at the hands of someone who was supposed to be unconditionally loving.
My mother was and is borderline. She beat the hell out of me very often growing up!
Watching this video was listening to my life being told through someone else’s words. I never had a diagnosis for what was wrong with my mother but this video opened the door. I felt like I was the only one in the world to have a mother like her. My mother was the child in the household. My sister and I always took on the role of care giver to our youngest sister from a very early age. I could write a book on how our lives were affected by this. Sadly my father turned a blind eye and kept her craziness fed by giving in.
I lived with this up until 5 years ago when my mom passed away. It’s so sad to say there was somewhat of a relief. At 50 years old, I still struggle these videos help to understand I am not alone. Thank you for sharing!!!
@Disturbed same
Thank you for this. I never wished my mom was dead but all that you mentioned explains my mother on point! I always wondered why my mother never loved me and always seemed to be unhappy with me. I just ignore her when she treats me badly and avoid her like the plaque but it’s been very challenging in going back home after my separation. I feel very broken now that I’m back home and feel abused every day. I can’t even stand up for myself or she will call me the abusive one. I never wished my mom would die but actually feel like I don’t love her and never been loved. 🥺💔
I found out my mother was borderline (undiagnosed) in my 40's. I didn't start processing her abuse until over 50. My mother could be a good mother. When she flipped, it was insane. In her mind, she was only a loving mother, her abuse never happened. I've read about the suicide threats. But my mother (and I've read others) was always going to die. She called me to her bed when I was probably 8 announcing she would be "dead by morning." She died of advanced old age. I'm sure she lived longer then I will.
Yes! Mine told me she had a serious heart condition when I was 12, later she told me she didn't remember telling me anything!.. i lived all those years thinking she was going to die..now she DOES have a heart condition which she caused herself by self medicating ! She is 80 yo and in better condition than me..
My mom over the years has had a number of things from dementia to a number of cancers, several different autoimmune disorders, chronic pain problems, it never ends. I just got a text from my dad about how she has cancer and is actively dying. She’s a pathological liar, and I can’t believe anything she says, especially if it comes through my dad. It’s just a mind game. The whole time I’m wondering if she does have it, and if that means I’m at a higher risk of developing it, and though I haven’t spoken to her in years, she still has control over my emotions. It’s infuriating. I don’t even know how to feel about it, or how to process it. Do I care about her? If I don’t care, does that mean I’m a bad person, even though she put me through hell? Am I wrong that I think I’ll be relieved when I no longer have to worry about her showing up at my door, or whether she’s tried to reach out and turn people against me? How upset am I going to be later if I refuse any deathbed advances? I just don’t know. I don’t even have anyone I can process this with.
yep
My mom's the same, it surprises me how she can never realise her own actions. She thinks she's done everything. We've been such cooperative kids tho, putting up with all this bs. I can't anymore tho, it's time to move out.
My Mom has always spoken down to me, spoken badly about me to others, has always told me I will never amount to anything, when I disagree with her which is most of the time she tells me I a disrespectful because I don't agree with her. She tells my sister who does not speak to me, lies about me as well as all family members. She left everything to my sister and nieces in her living trust and left me out of it. She still tries to hit me, I grew up with her throwing things at me, hitting me, screaming at me, she has also choked me and sexually abused me when I was very young. I have always felt shame and guilt for not liking my Mom. I have tried so hard to have a positive relationship with her yet it's not possible. She is a very cruel, abusive, horrible monster. I feel very alone because I never met anybody who has a Mom like this. I am very shy, mostly quite unless I know you and I keep to myself. I love animals but I have been hurt badly from many people so I keep to myself. Thank you for this video. I always felt like I was bad and something was wrong with me because of how my Mom and others have treated me. Thank you very very much.
I am so sorry for all you've endured🙏🏻. You are so very welcome, thank you for sharing, and thank you for watching.🙏🏻
💜
I understand and relate. I thought I was telling my mother about my sexual abuse until her immediate response was "don't go to the Police." It seems that she probably knew at a minimum and was possibly complicit. The shame and guilt doesn't belong in you, it should be in the adults who had power when we were children. I understand that shame and guilt doesn't exist where it should, it sadly ends up becoming the burden of the BPD mothers target of blame. We all feel alone. Society expects an abusive parent to be the father, it won't be much longer until there is widespread understanding of the abusive "mother."
@@kimberlyharrington8850 my mom also seems to have known about sexual abuse that happened to me and been involved, possibly the main abuser, but her lies are so convincing it's hard to believe sometimes. My mother has an evil smirk when she lies, like she is telling you she knows you know but she's not going to admit it. I think she's power mad. But then she can be very nice too. I'm sorry you suffered at the hands of your mom. The ptsd can be so severe from this abuse.
Do stand up for yourself Sandra! You are stronger than you think! My mom stopped beating me around the age of 18 - because I attacked her back! Never touched me again. I've also been a tine nice sweet girl all my life. Stand your ground!
I have never felt more seen in my life as a daughter with a BPD mother
You deserve to be seen and heard - and healed:)
This is exactly what my mother did and said. She really did ruin my life. It was the most traumatic and terrifying experience and I am still suffering every day from it.
I am so sorry about your experience. Thank you for sharing, and please take very good care.🙏🏻🙏🏻
I feel exactly the same way about my "mother." You're not alone
@@kimberlyharrington8850 it's bittersweet to know we're not alone. I studied my mother's childhood as I got older and it helped me understand why she became BPD. It helps. A little. It's important not to become self destructive. Know that you are worthy of a happy life. You can never replace a mother's love but you can still be happy and laugh. Find the others who understand. We need to avoid negative people even more than most people 🙏💕
It helps and then it doesn't! I know my mom's terrible childhood and I feel so much for her - I certainly can say I understand her like no one else... but then if I come closer and offer compassion she'll slap me right away! So it's additionally confusing. It would be so much easier to just have either an evil mother (and simple solutio cut off) or a victim mother (solution understand and sympathise) but this here is a mess!
Same, 43 and still dealing with the repercussions of the absolute insanity of my mother.
From me and all the daughter of bpd mothers,
Thank you. I’ve never realized any of this. Just thank you.
you are so welcome💕🙏🏻thank you for sharing and posting.
Omg I have tried all my life to figure out wrf is wrong with my mother. This has hit the mark, each and every one.
This is so heartbreakingly sad and eye-opening as well. All these years I thought I was the defective daughter, it's empowering to learn that her behaviour is symptomatic of her BPD.
I so understand and am so sorry for all you've experienced....yes, I do think it helps to know that it was part of a larger struggle for our parents and that in turn, it was never our fault.
you are definitely not alone
I dont feel so alone now after watching this. I am so glad I've found you Kim,
My mom passed when I was 18. I was so sad, but seriously relieved, all at the same time. I felt so guilty about this for the longest time.
That is such a common response, and yet I know it can feel so lonely to be relived at the loss of a mother who was wounding. Sending you so much support and healing. Thank you for sharing.
My mother has had an ongoing battle with cancer since late 2019 and honestly I’ve been low key rooting for the cancer. I can still kind of put on the right face, but honestly, when the luck runs out it’s going to feel so freeing.
The only catch 22 is, if she didn’t have cancer I think I’m at the point where I’d be cutting ties with her, but because bad news might be just around the corner, it feels as though I should try and keep things as good as possible if I only have to for a few more years.
But if I had a crystal ball that said she’s got 20 years left I would steer hard towards making myself priority 1 and just not bothering to think about her in what I do next in life (I want to move away for example, but if she was to die in 6 months I guess I could put that off)
Same here, my mother died when I had just turned 17. I think she had BPD or at least some of the traits. It was a shame, but also a relief for me. But you cannot tell just anybody about those feelings.
All of these traits are very common for those who grew up with Moms like this and this makes me feel so much better about myself knowing its not my fault. Thank you! ❤️
Do you think they are totally aware of how they are? My mom fits all this to the T. BUT SHE WILL NOT ADMIT SHE HAS AN ISSUE! She was on meds for bipolar for a long time, like a year. But when she is on meds, over the years, she ultimately goes cold Turkey off of them. Then she blames me for accusing her of labeling her as sick when she doesn’t think she is.
There seems to be a wide range of people with BPD who understand that they struggle - some completely deny, and others very good at owning it, feeling badly, working on their lives, etc. While you can have both Bipolar and BPD - I think, sadly, there are many who are diagnosed as Bipolar, when in reality, might be more like BPD - so treatment, meds etc can be an issue.
Personally, my mother will never admit that she has an issue or has mistreated us. This is something me and my siblings have given up on and don’t plan on getting for our healing. Whenever we voice that she has done something harmful she lashes out at us and says “You guys just think I’m crazy right?” and plays the victim that everyone “bashes on her” calling her insane, when we just tell her she hurt us. This seems to be a common deflection. I feel for her because she has been labled “crazy” a lot in her life probably, but her jumping to the hyperbole instead of acknowledging her illness will never help either of us.
@@clairepaulineharvey286 that’s gaslighting. My mother gaslit me denying she hit me when I was young. What a shameless liar.
@@joincoffee9383 with me too! Black and blue. She forgets conveniently. The worst: has forgotten my father wad in hospital and she still went on vacation. I stayed back with him. It went badly . We agreed to stop all treatment , over the phone , understanding he would pass within week or two . Never called me again, came back a week later when he wasn't no longer responding . I still can't believe yet I do, I know my father knew I wasn't there that's what matters most. Sorry if tmi, I'm so glad to share my story and hear from others who similar be I have spent most of my life thinking it's me and I need to cope better,..
My mother had absolutely no self awareness of her behavior. She only thought of herself as a good mother. Which she could be. But in her mind her abusive screaming rages with the most horrible put downs to a child never happened. I confronted her once and it was only met with abuse and projection. She was that far gone. I don't care what anyone says, that's how crazy they are. Oh and as a side "benefit" their victims have to remember while they went on their merry way.
Whew. My mother is diagnosed with bpd (and a slew of other things, unfortunately.)and as someone with an interest in psychology, I have learned a lot about it; even with her diagnosis, she will never take any accountability for her behavior - she would much rather shift the blame onto someone else and/or guilt trip etc. I spent so long making excuses, forgiving and showing empathy, and after 28 years, I have realized that it’s not my job to please someone, at my own expense. Any kind of relationship should be built on a foundation of mutual respect and caring, anything less is not your burden to carry.
One thing that I have realized in my recovery is that she'd plead with me to be honest, but when my honest truth isn't comforting then it's suddenly wrong. But if I tip toe around the truth and put her feelings first, then she listens and then my issue never gets resolved.
Omg..this is hands down been the most helpful video on youtube. I just realized my mom has bpd. After years of feeling like NPD and major depression just didn't seem to encompass all that was going on. Her go to line she would always repeat to me was I was an ungrateful little bitch.
Thank you so much for your work, you have a great way of explaining clear examples.
"Walking on eggshells" - wow, that hit hard. Everytime I think about the title of my autobiography it would be just that.
It scares me how I never realized my mother has BPD or at least many traits of it until now. I always thought she is very compulsive and controlling... but that's not all. She's like a mystery to me. She can be a very warm and kind mom and can also be the biggest threat in my life. It seems I have found the answer now.
There's actually a book called Stop Walking on Egg Shells. I read it 10 years ago and it changed my life
Same here. There's times my mother is wonderful, kind and empathetic. Other times, she's volatile, nasty, melts down over the slightest setbacks, invades my personal space, speaks about inappropriate things and has tantrums over imaginary infractions.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!:::: I remember an instant when I was a teenager, when my mom suddenly disappeared during the night. We were all scared, anticipating she was going to kill herself. I had to persuade her over the phone that I loved her and that she should come home. She was just silent and I could hear a waterfall in the background. When she came home I remember I was so upset that I told her that If she didnt want to live, I didnt either. I never got a reasurring word or affection back. It was devestating and I was so young and scared I didnt really know what was happening. But when I think back at it I realized I was parentified and it was not a burden and responsibility that a child should bear. At other instances she would threaten to jump out the window or cut herself with a knife. She was very unpredictable and would rage alot, even being physical.To this day I often feel overly responsible for peoples lives, problems and feelings. I struggle with a sense of self because my mother's feelings were the only ones that it was room for. I also was incredible terrified of her especially when she was in a rage, it was like a demon took a hold of her, her eyes going all pitch black. Those black pitch eyes still haunts me to this day.
Totally what I've been through... and then I did the same thing to my husband, trying to jump out the window or cut myself, he was petrified. I am also devastated to have developed the same disorder after going through all you described as a child! Now it calmed down, bit you need to be aware of the disorder, and have the peace, support and conditions to work on it. I feel pretty confident now that the worst is behind me - never want my children to go through that, so really desperate to heal.
I'm sending all my love to you .. i so understand 😢... may you be blessed and healed and have a peaceful life !🩷
@@yvonneshanson1525 🙏❤️🩹📿
I make no eye contact while talking. It helps to be rational. Hahahah Eye contact with a mom can influence.
@@TurbulantSynideri don't make eye contact as well when she has her episodes. The past 3 days she's been going at it and I've just been avoiding her, even when I'm just in my room it's so hard, when I go out to meet my friends, she picks on tht and tells me all i do is roam around.
It has brought so much instability in my life that idek how to fix it at this point.
Thank you for sharing. Very accurate representation of what it is like to grow up with a severe BPD mother.
I agree! Those were thoughts I had so many times about my mother. When she died, I was grieving over lost opportunities to have a good relationship with my mother and at the same time, it was a colossal relief. My life became so much better when she died, as if the main obstacle to my living my life fully was removed. It wasn't just my mother but my belief that I was not allowed to live fully as if it would've made her less important or less successful as if I had to prove to her that I was a kind of a loser and a wrong person.
My mom's in a nursing home turning everyone she meets into haters of me because she's tells them all how bad she thinks I am .I've done nothing but try to help support and meet her needs
So sorry. That seems to be a common trait of some of these mothers.
Unfortunately the three main women in my life growing up (biological mother, stepmother AND foster mother) have BPD (the latter combined with narcisistic PD and alcoholism). All three severely abused and damaged me from when I was born until I was finally freed at age 23 and made me too scared to ever have children of my own. I haven't spoken to my biological mother in over 13 years and honestly if she died I don't think I would flinch. It makes me feel like a horrible person but oy... this video really resonated with me.
your not a horrible person. you don't hate her. you don't miss her. your honoring her by keeping your distance instead of being in a toxic relationship that continues more damage to all people involved.
You're not a bad person. You're just practicing self-care.
Dr. Sage - You created this for daughters, but I felt as if you were speaking to me (a son). Thank you very much. This is very helpful.
Thank you for sharing Eric - yes, I think I limited myself a bit in the beginning of this channel (by referring to daughters more- I am sorry!) but it is beyond true that any one of us can have a parent who struggles. Sending you strength and support in your healing journey. I also really like the books "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Surviving A Borderline Parent"🙏🙏
Having a mom with BPD or BPD traits can be incredibly painful. We often have low self esteem, and struggle to feel worthy, to be loved and to accept ourselves...what do you think is the hardest part of growing up with a mom like this?
Dr. Kim Sage As a Mom learning of my BPD how do I recover what I’ve damaged. How do I teach/explain to my kids that I’m recovering. How do I reparent them? Is it possible or have I already done the damage.
@@danaegericke9153 If you are aware of what you struggle with, you are already so far ahead. Please know that you can get support to help you heal, and learn healthier tools and ways to reparent your kids. You don't have to be perfect, and love and repair and consistency go so very far in terms of healing. The best gift we can give our kids is to work on our own stories and healing. Keep going, try to be kind and compassionate to yourself and don't give up!
Danae you’re strong for trying to fix this. Thank you as a child of someone with BPD.
Not getting another chance at a peaceful childhood! I look back to how scared, stressed, sad, and quiet I was and it’s sad because I honestly don’t remember having natural fun I just remember mostly sadness and stress and trying to “fix” my mom or her problems. I was her go-to to vent about adult issues ever since I can remember. She still tries it now but I cut her off and tell her I have to go.
The insults, accusations, hypocrisy and lies.
My mother is perfectly described in this video. Absolutely everything fits . I haven’t talked to her in years and when she dies I’ll feel nothing at all
I so understand - it's so painful and when you reach a point where you feel nothing, it's really telling about all you've endured. I am so sorry, and sending you so much support as you continue on your healing journey.
@@DrKimSage thank you 🙏
I'm so sorry and yet I understand. When my mom died I felt nothing, and I still don't.
Wow wow wow nobody has described my experience with my mom so accurate like you have. Thank you. And it took me 40years to finally figure it out and cut her off. I’m still struggling to heal from CPTSD as I’m also stuck with a covert narcissistic husband
The sad reality is that, you have high probability to land in a toxic intimate relationship with you were raised by such a mother. Very unfortunate
Thank you for the insight
This is one of best videos on this subject I have seen on this subject matter I have seen on youtube.
My stepdaughter is only 10 and her mother has BPD. My husband and I have tried desperately to get custody of her over the past 8 years (spent over $100k in multiple court cases) and she has always been crafty enough to manipulate or slide by the court system. My stepdaughter is in the phase of “mothering” her and making excuses for her. We are aware they fight with each other but my stepdaughter continues to cover for her for now. I feel helpless . How do I support her!? I just want to shelter her from the pain that is coming but I feel like I can’t prevent it!!
Wow. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2015 and when I learned that one can 'therapize' themselves out of the diagnosis, I made the decision to do so. I've been in therapy for the past 7 years, went to rehab, got sober, and can now report that my therapist said I no longer fit BPD criteria. It was the happiest day in years. But my relationship with my mom is the worst it has ever been, and it has been tearing me apart.
My therapist gold me to look up BPD parents, and it has been a paradigm shift. I've spent so many years positioning myself as the borderline and trying to not be abusive and overly emotional and impulsive that I never even considered that maybe I wasn't the only cause of the issues with my mom. This video and the Signs of Being Raised one have made me gasp, cry, and feel a sense of peace. I have spent my whole life feeling like my mom hated me - she has told boyfriends to leave me, that I am unlovable, that I am a monster, that I ruin everything. But then she is so loving with my siblings, and she always shows me love like filling my fridge or helping me clean my apartment.
But she is a big reason why I won't have kids. Even my sister has said she is afraid my mom would treat my children as she treats me. And now that I've put in boundaries, she doesn't seem to miss me at all. She didn't even call me for my birthday. But it's okay. Because it's not about me being an unlovable person. She has her own demons to fight.
So proud of you for doing the work on yourself. It’s not easy! And I’m so very sorry for the way your mom treated you. You didn’t deserve that. I suspect I have quiet bpd so my symptoms are inward towards myself but I do worry about my kids. I don’t want to treat them the way that’s described here. They deserve so much better, just like everyone here did. I don’t think I had a bpd mom but it sounds awful.
@@nappyfries Thank you. When I sent my sister this video, she told me how happy she was that I took the diagnosis seriously because we went from barely talking to having my best friend back. I still make mistakes, but overall I feel such a sense of peace knowing that I finished the day without hurting anyone I love.
I think that the fact that you are worrying at all about how you treat them means you most likely don't treat them as is described in these videos. Having the self-awareness that a diagnosis gives you means you can let go of the egotism & entitlement that untreated people with BPD display.
I don't know much about quiet BPD, but from what I've read it can be more hurtful to yourself than to others so I hope you are being gracious with yourself and dealing with your emotions productively.
There are also sons of BPD mothers, like myself. I wish there would be some more material on males growing up with BPD mothers as a single parent. Now having 15 years of therapy behind me, there are still scars, but it turned out fairly well. I would wish the topic of BPD in family systems would also be adressed from more male therapists or content creators in general, as the dynamics involveld can be influenced by gender roles, but it seems to me there is an unspeakable shame attached to it, which I totally get - thanks for the great video, I can, from experience, confirm every single word is validating and descriptive of growing up with a person affected by the disease (and not seeking help - I know wonderful people with BPD, who take full responsiblity and work incredibly hard, struggling but improving every day on their healing journey, which was not the case with my mum unfortunately). Best wishes
It amazes me to read about so many daughter's experiences in the comments. I realized my mother may have BPD when I started going to therapy at 25. I'm 30 now and I feel like I've come a long way. Knowing that your mother has a problem really frees you from that terrible feeling that maybe you are the problem and maybe you actually are as bad as she tells you when she feels abandoned. You are not going to fix your mother, and that's okay, because you can work on yourself and have the most wonderful life when you free your mind from all the space that your mother's problems took. They are gonna stay exactly as they are whether you try to fix them or not.
I feel you all deeply and I beleive that we can all heal.
You are so lucky and did such a great thing for yourself starting therapy so young! It can be a long and painful process, but life just gets better and better and better!
You described my mother so well. The lies! I was shocked when you touched on that since I don’t often hear it mentioned but my mother lied constantly. For the purpose of control. As a child it often felt like I couldn’t get a straight answer or response from her about anything and it was more accurate to assume what she was saying was bullshit until proven otherwise.
Does she really lie? Because my mother rather conveniently omits relevant parts of various stories so you receive something completely different, yet she never actually lied in the sense of saying something that just didn't happen. The effect is the same for us on the other end - but not for her, as she can keep living in her own reality, knowing that she's "just" because all she says really happened and actually psyching herself up this way.
After many years, I've finally realized that my step-moms abuse was never ever about me. It's never been about me. My step-mom never said she hates me but she did tell me she resents me . Alot of this rings true. I ended up putting a boundary up by walking away from her 9 years ago. I had enough with being lectured and critisized. This was huge and then it caused of course major issues. My aunt had spoken with her and my dad while i was at work. The next day my step mother wrote me an email saying i wasn't welcome in her home or in her life. That was that. Im honestly relieved that happened even if at the time I felt she threw me out like trash when I stood up for myself. I was planning on leaving anyways, she had told me I was leaving with her and dad to North Carolina whether I liked it or not.
My mother died when I was 13 and went to live with them. So from 13-25 i had to deal with an unstable step parent whom felt like she was the best mother in the world to being a bully who would criticize me, call me selfish, say not everything is about me and sometimes fat shame me.
Im 34. It's been 9 years and she has not changed. Shes angry I didnt invite her to my wedding. I dont feel bad about that. Her issues are no longer mine and as much as I love my dad, if he wishes to be stuck in the middle and in the drama, that's his issue and will also no longer be mine. I feel like I am finally being free of this. My step-mom will never apologize. She's convinced she is the victim.
I’ve realized for the last few years my mother has BPD. Growing up I had no idea. She ruined my self esteem and relationships with family members and tried to stop me being close to my dad. Luckily I had my sister to turn to. I left the country so don’t have to be around her anymore. But when I do it all comes flooding back. She will go years with out seeing me. Then within a few hours I’m every name under the sun. I won’t let her I speak to me like that anymore so I always just leave now. But when I was a young person there was no where to go.
Thank you for this🖤 I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of going no contact with my mother, because I realized she was trying to poison my relationship with my young daughters. The guilt is very real and this validation helps so much.
Literally in tears from about a minute in to this video. You nailed it. I've watched quite a bit of content on this topic and no one has ever gotten it so spot on. Thank you!
So I do relate to this video. But in my case my abuse was never with foul cuss words. It was the more subtle manipulation, guilting, lying, unstable emotional outbursts, and random suicidal attempts that were more dramatic than anything. Although I didn’t have the extreme abuse most experienced, I have all the effects you talk about in your videos. Thank you for making these. It helps to know the facts and finally feel like it wasn’t that I was a terrible daughter❤
I’m supposed to go with my mom to a wedding this coming weekend. I told myself it’s for support. She treats me like crap but she needs me. She’s sick and can’t help it. If dad were here, it wouldn’t be an issue but that’s no longer a choice… Late last night I received a short story worth of text messages because I told her she crossed a line when discussing my medical records with a known loose lipped man she’s been trying to sweet talk. I was told I’m not worth loving, I’m a horrible daughter, I will rot in hell, no one in the family likes me, I have serious mental issues, and i will not be going to the wedding with her because she deserves better. Followed by, she had to call off of work to deal with the emotional pain I caused her which apparently made her lose her job.
Today my sister contacted me saying she’s horribly upset and crying because I’m refusing to go to this wedding…
Yes. I can relate to wanting my mom to die. The wrong parent got cancer. It’s so deeply hurtful to live knowing that your mother can only conditionally love you. It is definitely a life struggle with or without therapy.
I'm in my 50's, an only child of a single parent, and I experienced this as a child. I'm also a parent with BPD!
My journey to help myself has made me aware of my mother's BPD as I was growing up. She literally showed me eho I don't want to be. I do everything in my power to NOT parent like my mother, the emotional regulation is the hardest part for me. I'm now carer for my mother in her later years as well, and it has brought a lot of stuff up for me.
I've only just found your videos but I so relate to what I hear. Most of it relates to my mother more than me, thankfully.
I'm doing my best to be aware, apologetic and proactive in my approach to my BPD.
Well done you for admitting that and doing something about it to help yourself and your loved ones. You have a good heart. Keep strong.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve been searching for answers for years. This really validates my experience growing up and even in the present day. I went no-contact about 6 years ago and it’s finally given me the space, confidence and strength to start healing.
The rage. The hate. The self loathing because of the rage and the hate. Just spent a week spoiling my mom and trying, with everything I have, to be beyond criticism and to compensate for feeling like a bad daughter because I have such negative feelings about her. It ended in tears and gaslighting and the usual Cold War that ensues when she feels slighted. Nobody has caused me so much pain, so much stress. I have a chronic blood cancer that I am sure has been caused by a lifetime of a jacked up nervous system. (She once told me I was like a cancer to her - of course she denies saying it). I am so sorry for all of us. It would be simpler in some ways to have a mother that beats you - at least then you know that she is objectively bad and that you are not rotten. TY for this video. We are all exhausted and worn down but we are not alone.
My all time fave - she Hitler salutes me. It’s so messed up.
I am absolutely terrified of becoming my BPD mother's sole caregiver. She's 80 and I feel trapped
Important to already seek support, maybe find a support group, and definitely a therapist with knowledge of childhood trauma.
As someone with BPD, I’m doing so so so much work and research in order to have a healthy relationship with children I could have in the future. It’s possible to break the cycle.
My mother would get resentful towards me, when I would heal or get better, saying things like : you think you are better than anyone else ? etc. that is the narcissism. eeew... how can you love these parents anymore, after all they did to you, treated you
So relate to this video ! amazing.
I’ve never had this laid out like this. The level of validation I feel here has been a major blessing. Thank you.
You are so welcome- thank you for sharing and I know if this resonates - you have had your share of wounds. Please take very good care🙏
re boundaries: recently my mother broke her leg and came to stay with me while she couldn't use stairs to get to the bathroom. I'm a student so would be out all day at university. one day I came home to find she had managed to get down the stairs (my bedroom is on the ground floor) and was lying in my bed. when I asked her why she was in my bed she said the bed upstairs wasn't comfortable enough and wouldnt leave until I told her I needed to go to bed right now.
she just had no concept that my bedroom was my personal space and she should have at least asked me beforehand about USING MY BED
sigh, anyway this series of videos is very validating to me ♥️
My mother just lied to my husband about me yesterday. She also turned my oldest son into her little minion and has stated that she wants to my daughter to be a grandmas girl too. I'm not sure why she claims to love me but then trues to turn everyone against me. That's evil
Keep her away from your kids and spouse
Sad memories, inbearable hurting while being a child, broken heart, emotional pain, a lot of emotional pain. And now, at 35 years old I have social anxiety that complicates my professional life, I also became a borderline, but I accept it and I have it really clear
I’m 17 and I feel like I’m becoming borderline too😭 I also have super bad social anxiety. In fact, all three of my parents’ kids have social anxiety. I really want to go to therapy but my parents don’t believe in it. I can’t wait to move out.
Don’t have any children if you are borderline
@@joincoffee9383 We can if we heal and get therapy
@@user-eo9to7wd2t Often we 'get fleas' so to speak...when you get away from them, you can work on yourself and your own happiness and you may find those behaviours and thoughts go away x
@@queentantrumofficial I still have a whole year left with them🤦♀️ I hate this
When you said thatbthe mom will think she is psychic or intuitive...I got CHILLS. She manipulated this and used this to get us(me and my siblongs) to turn against people. I was always afraid to create a friendship with a woman..a friends mom.. A youth leader at church.. My mom would get insanely jealoud and say that i hate her because i wanted to find a new mother figure.
This video hits hard when it happened to you and then you realize that you also have become your mother.
It's only 4 minutes into the video i already paused the video 2 times to cry..My mom is diagnosed with BPD but she doesn't know she has BPD she thinks she's getting meds for a depression.But the actual depressed person is me.Every word u say resembles my mom.I don't know how long i would b able to endure this pressure.
I’m the son of a mother like this. She is getting worse in her 60s. Driving me to move away
My mother became worse with age. Stay away from your mother.
Same here. Even my Dad is starting to realise.
Thank you SO MUCH for this honest video. I so needed the permission to know that I am not alone in thinking that the world without my mother would be so much better. I am grateful for you saying that I'm okay to be exhausted by this woman that gave me life, biologically, but never was there for me, would glare at me, would gossip about me, call me a slut for wearing a shirt that actually fit...She emotionally castrated my dad ages ago, so he's gone too. I have recently set healthy boundaries and so, as per usual, she is coming up with lots of random health issues to get my attention. (It was suicidal threats while I was growing up.) There is still a huge stigma for people like us, who need to go low or no contact with toxic people - I've had people who don't try to understand, who say that I am being "shameful" for not running back to my mother. You have been a lifeline today. Truly, thank you.
The health problems are their absolute go to!.. your doing such a good work maintaining your distance. Hold up your boundaries and don't let anyone have an opinion about your own life..
The way you describe this gives me shivvers. I have recently completely cut out my mother and although I feel devastated that it has ended like this, it is what my brother did years ago and it was a long time coming for me. Everything you described about her, is to a T. Even down to her claiming to be 'psychic' and her 'spirits' telling her that I am the one with severe mental health issues which she cannot subject herself to anymore. She has attempted to fill my kids heads with total lies that I am abusive, and they just don't 'see it'. She has been physically violent to me and tells people around her, like my father, that it was actually I that was physically violent to her, which is a total offensive lie. She always hated every boyfriend I ever bought home and threw me out of the house after I became pregnant at 20. If I ever did anything she didn't agree with she would call me names, belittle me, and constantly compare me to how I was as a teenager. If I addressed one of her comments as being offensive she would make further comments to put me down like 'you used to have a sense of humour, you're just miserable now'. It has taken me 3 decades to see how unwell she is, and I have issues surrounding self worth as a result. Im so sad that I can attribute so many of my own insecurities to her, but at least I have seen the truth now and not in another 30 years time. I want to be the best mother I can to my kids and I feel I have a better shot as I know what it is to feel worthless as a daughter. Thank you.
I think some of behaviour like name calling "bitch" etc and wishing for their death, is on extreme side, but certainly not invalid.. This disorder comes in shades or levels of dysfunction and you nailed it, great video.
some people have extreme abuse and/or trauma... so i think that the reflex is normal to say those things for those who have been hurt... as you mature, you learn to express yourself without needing to be so "extreme"
It saddens me to think that what I had to accept as normal is “extreme” to others, and it it took me well into my adulthood to understand my mothers disorder - her torment. This video gives me chills because it describes my mother accurately, like she was the fly on the wall. It also makes me feel awful because I hated her, and yet she’s actually really sick. Her disorder is controls her.
@@aprilwallace2791 You couldnt help hating her. She did bad things to you and you didn't understand why. Now that you know she is ill, you can deal with it from there and do what you can to help while also prioritising your well being. But it's not your fault you were put in a position where you were made to feel that way.
I will go to therapy next week for the first time because of the toxic relationship with my mother. All of this is so relevant.
maybe my mother has borderline, maybe not but this wil help me telling this to the therapist. Thank you so much
It's the most accurate video I've ever seen. I was just at the point of taking a break from my mom and wondering how to tell her nicely (I'm 8 months pregnant and she's causing a lot of stress) - then I realised the already blocked me.
It's sad, but my actual main worry is my little to-be-born daughter. I have shown bpd traits myself, probably due to the traumatic childhood, but would do anything I can to protect my daughter from having to go through this. I just so badly want to be different, and my main goal is that our home is a an oasis of peace, where the child can grow up valued and respected. So far we managed to create a peaceful marriage, I hope I will also succeed with providing a peaceful childhood to my daughter.
Maybe it's cptsd from the trauma and not bpd.. it gets confused all the time.. the difference is in the real good intention and awareness .. I don't think a bpd has any of the above.
I had borderline father in my childhood. I suppose the hurtful thing now as an adult is people saying "ooh but how could you not keep in contact, you only have one dad"
I can’t believe I only found this channel out this month. But sent this video straight to my younger sister.
For a year or so I assumed my mum likely had NPD, but this channel solidified it for me, she likely has BPD with Narc traits
I am a daughter of a mom with BPD. I have often throughout my life wish that I had never been born. I often hate myself. I still struggle with coming to terms with the fact that none of this is my fault and I am not responsible for my mother. I feel like I have never been able to fully grow up because it is not allowed. I feel like I am forever a pseudo adult taking care of a 6 year-old. Life is hard.
❤ I know it's hard. We just need to constantly talk to ourselves. Interfere with the instinct to care take. Tell yourself all adults are responsible for their emotions.
My mother just passed away from cancer. I felt so sorry for her and cared for her until her last moment, but I feel like I can finally heal from all the trauma. I’ve gone through literal hell.
We grew up with someone like this, who claims she never even raised her voice at us. She used to blame us for her state. When one of us finally rebelled, she was secretly grateful to have new evidence for her reasons. She was a total fraud, but for survival reasons, which is cowardice. I'm fifty-five, and wish there were a way to finally break the trauma bond and move on.
You are so blessed to have had siblings. I was all alone with her.
You have validated my childhood 1000sxs over!
I am grateful for this video, and all the examples you used. Yes, check, check highlight. I've only recently came to have this idea that this is what goes on with my mother. Im an adult have lived through 99% of what you described, including the brainwashing of my child. After a lifetime of this, I literally am moving to protect myself and my child. I will be replaying this video often to remind myself it's not mr, and others are dealing with this too I'm not crazy, and there is no way to fix it in my case,
I am so sorry for all you've experienced and hope you do know you can protect yourself now unlike in childhood - sending you so much support:)
@@DrKimSage thank you for responding ! You are sharing your story and your strength with us all, and you're right, I'm not the child who had to put up with the behaviors and be the peace keeper anymore. She already thinks the worst of mr, I might as well start living my life to my satisfaction . She crossed the line with regards to my daughter . I am now liberating myself . My day has come. I finally believed I deserve the chance for a peaceful happy life,
Wow, this describes my mom exactly except for the substance abuse and suicidal ideation, she didn’t have issues with those. She caused me so much pain over my lifetime all the way back to my first memories. She used my kids to hurt or get back at me; insulted and shamelessly lied about me to them, that has been the most unforgivable. Scapegoated and threw me under the bus whenever it suited her. I think she was a mix of of BPD and narcissistic traits. I’ve never wished her dead, her life is sad enough but I am relieved to live all the way across the continent from her now.
I have a mom with BDPD . Yes sometimes I felt it would be easier if I didn’t have to deal with the ups and downs. However I honestly never thought I was a bad person. I actually felt sorry for my mom for her internal struggles.
Listening to it all laid out like this makes it easier for me to understand how I managed to marry someone who treats me just as badly as she did.
Thank you for this video, Dr. Sage. I am now 99.9% certain that my mother had BPD. Some differences though as she just plain always hated me and I grew to hate her. Yes, I was very young when I wished she'd die. In fact, when she did die several years ago I only felt relief. She was never loving/hating with me. It was always hate. My younger brother was favored but I don't believe I can call what she felt for him unconditional "love" either. I'd see her rage when she'd get mad at him (those times were few and far between though) and he'd absolutely panic and cry begging her not to be mad at him and saying that he loved her, hugging her and kissing her. I don't see it as love if you have to beg for it. I am almost 60 but didn't find out about BPD till my mid-50's. The description of BPD made 1,000 watt lightbulbs suddenly light up the dark cave of questions I had about what was wrong with her. Your video confirms it. Thankfully, as soon as I turned 20-ish I went very low contact with her without even knowing what that was. Just natural instinct to avoid her but I didn't want to cut out other family members, particularly my father, who did act as a buffer between myself and her worst behaviors. Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you once again for this video.
Thank you so much for this video. It made m me feel so heard and not alone
Sooo. I watch your content on tiktok for the autistic stuff. I just left my therapy session today and my therapist told me she thinks my mom has BPD and read me the criteria. I looked up "my mom has BPD" after our session, saw your face in the search bar and here I am. Thank you so so much for your content
My mother was diagnosed with BPD with psychotic tendencies in the early 2000s. As her only daughter, I was her target in the 80s and 90s. My mother tried to murder me twice, once by drowning at 7 and once at knife point at 16. I used to hide in closets. My mother would keep me in my room isolated for up to 9 weeks at a time with school being my only relief. I remember my friends used to call me repunzel. My mother hates me very much. She would beat me so hard, rip hair out my head by dragging me down hallways or throwing me down stairwells. We were in the military and my father was a high ranking officer so we had to keep a tight looking appearance on the outside but on the inside my mother was a monster. She couldn't wait to get rid of me when I turned 18 and married me off to an airman that was my friend. They paid him and the whole 9. No big Italian Catholic wedding tho, because I got pregnant. Anyways, my relationship with my mother over the last 24 years has been toxic. I lost custody of my 3 children because during my divorce from said airman I had no where to go. My mother disowned me... But they did pawn me off to another man. And so I had to stay with him and get my kids in the summer. My heart breaks talking about this. That 2nd marriage was 12 years of drunken narcissist abuse. I got out of it but not with her help. I'm at no contact with them now and I know she's in poor health... I tried reaching out at Christmas time but she threw my card away in the trash. I guess I will just have to wait for her to die....
My daughter started saying I had abused her in childhood after a therapist told her she had BPD. I went through a divorce when she was young. I cried in my room at times and she would come in and want me to explain and I would tell her I was just sad. I never hated my daughter. I never called her names, and I never spanked her or abused her in any way. I never demeaned her. I tried my best. I raised 3 children alone. Her father left and was not there for her. I was mom and dad. My sons know I didn’t abuse any of my children but my daughter now has a new reality where I’m such an awful person that she cut me out of her life and won’t let me see my grandchildren at all. This video is exactly the kind of information that gives a person like her, who needs help, a way to simply put the blame on someone else and then not even try to get help for herself. That is what has happened in my experience. This kind of bias thinking has torn my family apart. My grandson who loved being at my house now has no one and I’ve never been allowed to meet my granddaughter. This is so hurtful. It’s not always the mother.
I checked off a lot of those for my mother. Thankfully, she is dead, but she did reach out from her grave to cause problems with her estate and between my sisters and me. She split us up when she and I had a falling out, and they took her side without considering there are two sides to a coin or staying neutral. But I was always the bad sheep. So she broke the relationship between my sisters and me before she died and kept it going after she died. As a result, my sisters have shunned me. Considering how they treated me, that is perfectly fine by me. I eventually moved out of state since I had nothing in my home state. As far as I know, they have no idea that I moved or where I am, but I'm sure they don't care.
Thank you for doing what you do. I am a 32 year old woman with two children of my own now. My mother displays BPD & NPD personality traits. I've been attempting to get her to see a therapist since I started seeing one at age 8. I would tell her how much therapy helped me and that it would help her, too. As an adult, I've tried to convince her to go to discuss her childhood trauma, of which she has a monumental amount. I've tried to get her to see a therapist with me. The one time we did, I was still very young, and her response is what you would expect from someone with BPD, which essentially was that the therapist was taking sides, attacking her personally, etc. I'm actively insisting on therapy at this point because I'm not sure how else our relationship can move forward. However, I was also diagnosed BPD around the age of 14. But I was also a self-harmer, and it was around this time period that self-harming teenaged girls would often get slapped with that label. It also has not been carried over into my diagnosis as an adult, so I'm basically unsure of what to think. I'm terrified that I actually am BPD as well, and my WORST FEAR is doing to my kids what she's done and continues to do to me.
Maybe you already have a video like this, I'm new and still looking through your content, but if not, it would be really great to hear your thoughts on BPD moms raising BPD daughters. Is it genetic, environmental, or both? How can the newer generation stay vigilant and maybe put an end to the generational trauma?
Oh wow... It describes my mother and I wish she had received the love she deserved. Thank you so much for your work. Wishing you all the best ahead.
36 years old, and working through everything from my childhood. I only know of my moms diagnosis because I read it on some of her discharge papers from one of her suicide attempts.
Thank you for your channel! I needed to see it today . It’s my sons birthday that her behavior caused serious problems.
I always felt bad about actually abandoning my mom with BPD since one of her actual fears is abandonment. We gave her so many chances to hopefully receive consistent therapy to improve herself…but every psychologist that diagnosed her with BPD (or even mentioned it), she ended up firing :/ She refused to continue her own therapy sessions but always mentioned family therapy for the rest of us which she refused to be a part of…but then consistently accused us of talking bad about her…BPD is so tough 💔
My mum would never go to therapy. She made us go together when I was a teenager and the first session the councillor told Mum she had to adjust to me getting older amd to get off my back and validated me and so we never went back to her
I’ve never heard anyone describe this so accurately. You just described my mother, and my feelings for her, in less than twelve minutes. God bless you.
Gosh that blew me away, I have thought so many times that I look forward to it being over, it’s been a long, hard relationship.