Part of my work is dealing in in conflict. Your point about dealing with things sooner than later is huge... Often we put off a conversation and things go sideways very fast.
Wow, this video is an incredible resource for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and navigate challenging conversations. *As a life coach,* I work with my clients on developing the emotional intelligence necessary to engage in difficult conversations effectively. It's essential to approach these conversations with empathy, active listening, and a focus on problem-solving rather than blame. By learning how to have difficult conversations, individuals can build stronger relationships, improve their leadership skills, and achieve their personal and professional goals. *As a life coach* , I highly recommend this video to anyone looking to enhance their communication skills and cultivate more meaningful connections in their lives.
I’m the “agreeable child” in a family where shame words are used to control conversations. We all grew up but I grew OUT - they think I’m too emotional, the only single parent who dropped the facade lol. Leaving them to that while I healed for an accident was hard but necessary. I don’t need shame words to discuss tough topics because of you. I also have the boundary to stop any conversation going that direction, politely. “That is your perception but for me relationships will allow for more than one without being derogatory”. My life is changing and better people keep showing up! Thanks Mel for every post, video and FREE tool you so selflessly share for THE best reason ❤
I'm so happy for you and I'm on a similar journey. Wondering about 'better people keep showing up', are you meaning people IRL or people like Mel? I'm still struggling finding positive people IRL. Any tips or insight's appreciated.
@@amar129w2 Hi Amanda! By better people I mean people with mindsets of patience, kindness, mutual respect and acceptance. An example is listening to a podcast for a friend, their guest speaker buys homeless people tiny homes. I didn’t expect to find a group I would volunteer in by listening to a podcast. The more I gravitate towards people that help others, I find more like minded people. Mel says “what you think about you bring about” but that also applies to your environment. What you let in wipes it’s feet on your doormat and only you are responsible for cleaning it. You do not need a large support group, quality has far more value. And I am now in yours if you need me! What I learned for me I share for free- my ear 💋
I don't know if I agree. Some people just want to have confrontations just to be having them because they are abusive in nature. I refuse to spend my time in this world conversing with someone who has to be right just so someone else can be wrong. I let them be right and move on. And I will add, most people do not know how to hold an adult conversation. They come in swinging, yes you can defuse the situation and that is always good.
If you’re able to do this without harboring resentment over your unspoken truth and the person’s continued behavior, then it’s a working strategy. However it’s a missed opportunity. Especially when the relationship is close and worth strengthening.
@@jness2312 I don't feel the need to "fix" other people. I have learned over the years that I should concentrate on my own personal growth, to evolve into a kinder more gentle version of myself. Not everyone is on that same journey and not everyone is going to converse with me on the same level, and that is okay. I just pick and choose my interactions with others carefully.
Guess what, Mel? I was about to have such a conversation with one of my family members. And I got to watch your video. It gave me a strategy to start the conversation in proper way. Earlier whenever we discussed we went into a fight and the end result was zero. I hope this conversation to go well at least I can put out my points in a proper way. Thank you Mel.
I have tried letting things go and not saying anything; and I have tried having confronting things. Hard to know which situation warrants what. A supermarket checkout operator was unnecessarily rude to me the other day, probably because she was feeling stressed. I didn’t say anything at the time but have been wondering whether to raise it as I feel angry when I think about it & I shop there regularly. Up until that point she had been extremely nice, it was a complete turnaround in character.
Wish I had you in my pocket during these difficult conversations lol. I feel like I’m gonna forget all the rules and what you need to say and how you need to respond. 🤪 Thank you for your videos!! You’re helping so many people. ❤
I literally will do anything else before calling my mom or picking up a call from her 😢 She’ll always bring up my mistakes during my 40s , as if I need reminding
I hear you. 44 years of relentless criticism from mine. And being spoken to with contempt because she expects everyone to be exactly like her. Anything else is “wrong”. She won’t even acknowledge my adhd. Hoping this episode will help me.
I needed this so much! I had a hard conversation this weekend, I brought one example and got a semi-apology. I got frustrated and named two other examples and she got so defensive and told me 10 things I did wrong. It led to nothing. Silence right now. Need to do better next time. Thank you
I'm having an epiphany of understanding, merely from listening to this one single RUclips video. I'll be re-visiting this numerous times, I'm sure, as I move ahead in being teachable in the relationships in my life!
Hmm. I really need more on this. The rejection sensitivity dysphoria aspect of my adhd is strong, and I really need help knowing when I'm too sensitive vs. knowing when I have a legitimate beef. Married 13 years and no clue how to talk to the man and you're right, it's just getting worse.
here's my conundrum/what I still can't figure out though.... I get your point to not avoid difficult conversations, but there are just some people it doesn't work with and I've been told to 'pick your battles' (not that convos are battles per se, but some people see it this way it seems). So How to handle this, especially in work environments where you must cont. to work with these people?
This blows my mind . I grow up with a very , very abusive mother. I was met with flying butcher knives and griswald skillets in grade school and till 8th grade. I latter ask what that was all about years latter , She said she didn't know. I had an brother 8 years older than me that was the same way. I try to keep the peace all my life . Now I know why.
The problem is this have to be both side care enough about each other and willing to open, which actually a lot of them just dont even care. I have some really bad experience before, i picked up the courage and prepared what I should say, i told them my though very calmy, no shouting at both side, and end up they just dont care at all and even block me and ghost me.
Whenever I’ve tried to have a difficult conversation with someone, they either start yelling at me or dismiss me with arrogance. They’re set in their ways.
Mel, I am a huge fan. In this particular podcast you use the phrase “makes you feel” or “makes me feel” and I don’t think anyone can make us feel anything. We choose a response and they can’t make us feel a certain way. I’m sure you would agree with this.
Mel, will you please do a video about communicating with people that project their own fears and issues and blame on others? I’d like to find a very mature and succinct way to mic drop in a situation like this and be clear that I see through it and I’m not having it and I hope they get help and that I love the good parts of them and hope I could still have a relationship in a safe way with them while they work out the issue in a healthier way.
You are saying all the things that I wish my Mother would have said to me. You said I love you more than my mother ever told me. I wish I could have this hard conversation with her, but when I talk she just hears bla bla bla. For years it's been eating me from the inside, I wrote her a loooong letter, but I never gave it to her. I am afraid of her reaction. I am stuck.
Take the examples she gives and fit the tactics that best fit your situation. For instance, the steps at 27:56 will fit pretty much any situation. You also have to understand that some relatives, no matter how horrible another is, will always help their relative because they're family. That's their thing to deal with. Do you want a relationship with both? Just one sister? Be honest about how you feel. See where the others are coming from.
Really love listening to your podcasts’ perfectly on target 🎯 with so many different things 🌸✝️🌸 I have a difficult time speaking with my mother 😢 I too cringe when my mom would say “We need to talk” Me: 🙄🙄🙄 It’s always negative and makes me feel like 💩
Grey-rocking can be great in certain situations. On the other hand, one can lose themselves doing it too if they're me. (I just can't do it 100% of the time and I'll let the chips fall where they may--if I finally go off!)
I think that one of the main reasons I avoided it is because I just didn't know how to bring it up, or how to talk about it. I'd rather keep quiet trying to figure it out or not say anything else. So, the lack of having a role model in our lives is an essential reason as well. So thanks for this video.
If anyone has ideas, I am looking for real answers. My problem is when I do confront someone about something they just don't care, it does nothing like I said nothing. Or in 2 days they are back at it if it helped at all. I had no voice growing up. If I complained, I was ignored. Even as as a teenager and young adult and now in long term relationships. If I could see people like this coming that would help too. Any ideas? Thank you.
HINT: Heres the Bibles instructions for these situations: 1. Ephesians 4:15 Speaking the truth in love...(say what you need to say in a gentle manner) 2. Proverbs 17:14 Abandon the quarrel before it breaks out (if the other person is nasty or defensive, smile and walk away (or in text say, Have a nice day. adios) 3. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 States a list of nasty behaviors, then concludes with "avoid such people". If you put your difficult conversation in a text/email/letter in point form, with a pleasant greeting, the points next, propose a possible solution, a pleasant ending, then you will b able to say ALL that you WANT to say in a controlled, reasonable manner with not much emotion involved, and without being interrupted by the other party flooding it with distractions, defences, insults or threats etc. SO much more efficient. Cordially succinct.
One of these recent Podcasts - Mel describes starting with an apology -- does anyone know which episode this is? I have been searching and listening for HOURS
This is typical Patches (me). I get sick to my stomach when I'm confronted or if I'm thinking of confrontation. I put it off thinking it will work out but ends up being a festering sore. So I tell myself I'm going to change. UNFORTUNATELY I DONT. HOW DO I take the first step.
You are popular on two platforms, Instagram and RUclips (also podcast?) but on RUclips you have half as many subscribers. Has it been worth it posting on both platforms? If you could please share a little bit about your success, and which platforms and marketing methods are great for posting content
Sounds like good advice for 2 normies. I haven't heard from my daughter for 7yrs. She called and said I didn't respect her boundaries when I asked her to help me.(find an attorney) I said 'that was traumatic" (I've never asked for anything no less an attorney) I didn't interrupt I validated I didn't deflect deny gaslight etc. I said "That must have been traumatic. I know because I was there" My trauma escaped her. Still does. Is she happy now? Nope. Same as it ever was. She just called to rant, that's it.
@@MassageMagick1111 Very good point. I am exactly what Mel was talking about...the person is terrified of confrontation so I say nothing. I should call them and say something
Gosh I hate this gaslighting group that whenever you ask them a question they never know what you're talking about!! Or abuse you with no questions asked!😅
Don’t ask your boss for a raise. Wake up. You are delusional. Your boss does not care about you. Get a better job. Changing jobs usually results in a 20-30% raise anyway. Change jobs every 2 years.
You lost my brain at the 8min mark. Maybe just address Claudia's example instead of taking it off track in your personal side track stories. Made my brain crazy trying to listen.
a friend should answer the phone.If somebody needs help he should make an appoitment because you have boudaries...something like this...the fact is that you have relations with persons that you do not stand, you are not the friends one so you should simply go away from the relation.And this is the truth!And in this episode you speak like a first grade teacher.These are not boundaries and not friendships.this is not friendship...the lady that is annoyed because the friend left a message after she did not answer the call is not a friend type. So she could not complain anymore and close all the relations with the one that believes that has a friend in this lady. Boundaries...this is not a state of being with friend...let s talk only with appointment. I do not see the same as you this time.And you Mel are a friend only if you like the subjects?How can a person ask for help if you are annoyed about hearing her problems over and over again?So for the ones who reaaly need help just psihiatrics are friends?You are very cold, are you sure you are a friend for a person?
Consider this a sign to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding 👀 Subscribe to the channel for more great episodes coming your way!
Part of my work is dealing in in conflict. Your point about dealing with things sooner than later is huge... Often we put off a conversation and things go sideways very fast.
Wow, this video is an incredible resource for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and navigate challenging conversations. *As a life coach,* I work with my clients on developing the emotional intelligence necessary to engage in difficult conversations effectively. It's essential to approach these conversations with empathy, active listening, and a focus on problem-solving rather than blame.
By learning how to have difficult conversations, individuals can build stronger relationships, improve their leadership skills, and achieve their personal and professional goals. *As a life coach* , I highly recommend this video to anyone looking to enhance their communication skills and cultivate more meaningful connections in their lives.
This truly was genius. I give you an honorary PhD!❤
I’m the “agreeable child” in a family where shame words are used to control conversations. We all grew up but I grew OUT - they think I’m too emotional, the only single parent who dropped the facade lol. Leaving them to that while I healed for an accident was hard but necessary. I don’t need shame words to discuss tough topics because of you. I also have the boundary to stop any conversation going that direction, politely. “That is your perception but for me relationships will allow for more than one without being derogatory”. My life is changing and better people keep showing up! Thanks Mel for every post, video and FREE tool you so selflessly share for THE best reason ❤
I'm so happy for you and I'm on a similar journey. Wondering about 'better people keep showing up', are you meaning people IRL or people like Mel? I'm still struggling finding positive people IRL. Any tips or insight's appreciated.
@@amar129w2 Hi Amanda! By better people I mean people with mindsets of patience, kindness, mutual respect and acceptance. An example is listening to a podcast for a friend, their guest speaker buys homeless people tiny homes. I didn’t expect to find a group I would volunteer in by listening to a podcast. The more I gravitate towards people that help others, I find more like minded people. Mel says “what you think about you bring about” but that also applies to your environment. What you let in wipes it’s feet on your doormat and only you are responsible for cleaning it. You do not need a large support group, quality has far more value. And I am now in yours if you need me! What I learned for me I share for free- my ear 💋
@@Leslie-xo9gy thank you, this is very helpful and inspiring
I don't know if I agree. Some people just want to have confrontations just to be having them because they are abusive in nature. I refuse to spend my time in this world conversing with someone who has to be right just so someone else can be wrong. I let them be right and move on. And I will add, most people do not know how to hold an adult conversation. They come in swinging, yes you can defuse the situation and that is always good.
If you’re able to do this without harboring resentment over your unspoken truth and the person’s continued behavior, then it’s a working strategy. However it’s a missed opportunity. Especially when the relationship is close and worth strengthening.
@@jness2312 I don't feel the need to "fix" other people. I have learned over the years that I should concentrate on my own personal growth, to evolve into a kinder more gentle version of myself. Not everyone is on that same journey and not everyone is going to converse with me on the same level, and that is okay. I just pick and choose my interactions with others carefully.
Thank you Mel for all your support and motivation.
Guess what, Mel? I was about to have such a conversation with one of my family members. And I got to watch your video.
It gave me a strategy to start the conversation in proper way. Earlier whenever we discussed we went into a fight and the end result was zero. I hope this conversation to go well at least I can put out my points in a proper way.
Thank you Mel.
I have tried letting things go and not saying anything; and I have tried having confronting things. Hard to know which situation warrants what. A supermarket checkout operator was unnecessarily rude to me the other day, probably because she was feeling stressed. I didn’t say anything at the time but have been wondering whether to raise it as I feel angry when I think about it & I shop there regularly. Up until that point she had been extremely nice, it was a complete turnaround in character.
Wish I had you in my pocket during these difficult conversations lol. I feel like I’m gonna forget all the rules and what you need to say and how you need to respond. 🤪 Thank you for your videos!! You’re helping so many people. ❤
I literally will do anything else before calling my mom or picking up a call from her 😢
She’ll always bring up my mistakes during my 40s , as if I need reminding
I hear you. 44 years of relentless criticism from mine. And being spoken to with contempt because she expects everyone to be exactly like her. Anything else is “wrong”. She won’t even acknowledge my adhd. Hoping this episode will help me.
I needed this so much! I had a hard conversation this weekend, I brought one example and got a semi-apology. I got frustrated and named two other examples and she got so defensive and told me 10 things I did wrong. It led to nothing. Silence right now. Need to do better next time. Thank you
I'm having an epiphany of understanding, merely from listening to this one single RUclips video. I'll be re-visiting this numerous times, I'm sure, as I move ahead in being teachable in the relationships in my life!
I’ve listened to it 3 times already!
Hmm. I really need more on this. The rejection sensitivity dysphoria aspect of my adhd is strong, and I really need help knowing when I'm too sensitive vs. knowing when I have a legitimate beef. Married 13 years and no clue how to talk to the man and you're right, it's just getting worse.
This discussion was so needed. 👏🏿💜
here's my conundrum/what I still can't figure out though.... I get your point to not avoid difficult conversations, but there are just some people it doesn't work with and I've been told to 'pick your battles' (not that convos are battles per se, but some people see it this way it seems). So How to handle this, especially in work environments where you must cont. to work with these people?
I love you, Mel. You’re the best ❤
Yes I need this today!! I live with my son and how do I speak up and not offend or make him defensive. Thank you!!
This is soooooo helpful! Thank you!!!!!
This blows my mind . I grow up with a very , very abusive mother. I was met with flying butcher knives and griswald skillets in grade school and till 8th grade. I latter ask what that was all about years latter , She said she didn't know. I had an brother 8 years older than me that was the same way. I try to keep the peace all my life . Now I know why.
Sorry that happens to you.
That is awful, she really needs to apologise for that. Just her being abusive and not keeping her bad temper in check by the sound.
Mel, you and your team are amazing!!! Avoiding ...... duhhhhh. Yes!!!!
Thank you so much for this, Mel!
The problem is this have to be both side care enough about each other and willing to open, which actually a lot of them just dont even care. I have some really bad experience before, i picked up the courage and prepared what I should say, i told them my though very calmy, no shouting at both side, and end up they just dont care at all and even block me and ghost me.
I love you Mel ♥️ thank you for giving me something I can share with friends and family
They never listen to me 😂
Whenever I’ve tried to have a difficult conversation with someone, they either start yelling at me or dismiss me with arrogance. They’re set in their ways.
Thank you, Mel. This is so helpful 😊
Priceless information and tools! Thanks Mel!
Mel, I am a huge fan. In this particular podcast you use the phrase “makes you feel” or “makes me feel” and I don’t think anyone can make us feel anything. We choose a response and they can’t make us feel a certain way. I’m sure you would agree with this.
whatever educates and elevate your mind and outlook on life... should always be welcome with open harms i honestly believe
Thank you, for everything ❤
THANK YOU .❤. Your friends are very fortunate. THANK YOU 🤗🌹
Mel, will you please do a video about communicating with people that project their own fears and issues and blame on others? I’d like to find a very mature and succinct way to mic drop in a situation like this and be clear that I see through it and I’m not having it and I hope they get help and that I love the good parts of them and hope I could still have a relationship in a safe way with them while they work out the issue in a healthier way.
You are saying all the things that I wish my Mother would have said to me. You said I love you more than my mother ever told me. I wish I could have this hard conversation with her, but when I talk she just hears bla bla bla. For years it's been eating me from the inside, I wrote her a loooong letter, but I never gave it to her. I am afraid of her reaction. I am stuck.
Love you Mel! Thank you! Thank you!
Just felt compelled to say, thank you for what you do. I am learning so much!
I so love you Mel. Thank you
Thank you Mel. Keep being you
Thanks ‘Grayovercast!
Take the examples she gives and fit the tactics that best fit your situation. For instance, the steps at 27:56 will fit pretty much any situation.
You also have to understand that some relatives, no matter how horrible another is, will always help their relative because they're family. That's their thing to deal with.
Do you want a relationship with both? Just one sister? Be honest about how you feel. See where the others are coming from.
You're welcome.
Thank you Mel ❤ loved this
Really love listening to your podcasts’ perfectly on target 🎯 with so many different things 🌸✝️🌸
I have a difficult time speaking with my mother 😢
I too cringe when my mom would say
“We need to talk”
Me: 🙄🙄🙄
It’s always negative and makes me feel like 💩
You just described my horribly dysfunctional childhood & mother!!!😢
Thank you
So powerful still trying to work through this but with you sharing it really helps thank you
I think that too many people have avoided personalities. Many things from their childhood that they haven't healed.
Hello 👋 how are you doing today
Grey-rocking can be great in certain situations. On the other hand, one can lose themselves doing it too if they're me. (I just can't do it 100% of the time and I'll let the chips fall where they may--if I finally go off!)
Amazing episode once again 🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I had one yesterday. I could have just texted the person, but I did it face to face.
I think that one of the main reasons I avoided it is because I just didn't know how to bring it up, or how to talk about it. I'd rather keep quiet trying to figure it out or not say anything else. So, the lack of having a role model in our lives is an essential reason as well. So thanks for this video.
If anyone has ideas, I am looking for real answers. My problem is when I do confront someone about something they just don't care, it does nothing like I said nothing. Or in 2 days they are back at it if it helped at all. I had no voice growing up. If I complained, I was ignored. Even as as a teenager and young adult and now in long term relationships. If I could see people like this coming that would help too. Any ideas? Thank you.
Absolutely brilliant helpful chat thx ❤❤
HINT: Heres the Bibles instructions for these situations:
1. Ephesians 4:15 Speaking the truth in love...(say what you need to say in a gentle manner)
2. Proverbs 17:14 Abandon the quarrel before it breaks out (if the other person is nasty or defensive, smile and walk away (or in text say, Have a nice day. adios)
3. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 States a list of nasty behaviors, then concludes with "avoid such people".
If you put your difficult conversation in a text/email/letter in point form, with a pleasant greeting, the points next, propose a possible solution, a pleasant ending, then you will b able to say ALL that you WANT to say in a controlled, reasonable manner with not much emotion involved, and without being interrupted by the other party flooding it with distractions, defences, insults or threats etc. SO much more efficient. Cordially succinct.
One of these recent Podcasts - Mel describes starting with an apology -- does anyone know which episode this is? I have been searching and listening for HOURS
MA’AM. What the hell, Mel?!? Are you in my friggin HEAD?!? How are you posting every single thing I need in REAL TIME?!? 😂 Suspish.
SAME 😭
This is typical Patches (me). I get sick to my stomach when I'm confronted or if I'm thinking of confrontation. I put it off thinking it will work out but ends up being a festering sore. So I tell myself I'm going to change. UNFORTUNATELY I DONT. HOW DO I take the first step.
You are popular on two platforms, Instagram and RUclips (also podcast?) but on RUclips you have half as many subscribers. Has it been worth it posting on both platforms? If you could please share a little bit about your success, and which platforms and marketing methods are great for posting content
I’m so glad Mel does post here, as I don’t use Instagram 😊
Sounds like good advice for 2 normies. I haven't heard from my daughter for 7yrs. She called and said I didn't respect her boundaries when I asked her to help me.(find an attorney) I said 'that was traumatic" (I've never asked for anything no less an attorney)
I didn't interrupt
I validated
I didn't deflect deny gaslight etc.
I said "That must have been traumatic. I know because I was there"
My trauma escaped her. Still does.
Is she happy now?
Nope.
Same as it ever was.
She just called to rant, that's it.
I’m wondering how to apply this when talking to narcissistic people
Today the mechanic fixing my trailer ripped me off and only did half the job. I didn't say anything...I just paid his stupid amount.
I've been there.
Well now you can really challenge yourself by letting him know you’re unhappy with his service. What have you got to lose? A shady mechanic!
1
Perhaps you could role play the situation again and practice a tactful way to say what you would like to say? I am learning so much from Mel.
@@MassageMagick1111 Very good point. I am exactly what Mel was talking about...the person is terrified of confrontation so I say nothing. I should call them and say something
Gosh I hate this gaslighting group that whenever you ask them a question they never know what you're talking about!! Or abuse you with no questions asked!😅
❤
🫨
Don’t ask your boss for a raise. Wake up. You are delusional. Your boss does not care about you. Get a better job. Changing jobs usually results in a 20-30% raise anyway. Change jobs every 2 years.
I did not like the way you are fully understanding of the situation
You lost my brain at the 8min mark. Maybe just address Claudia's example instead of taking it off track in your personal side track stories. Made my brain crazy trying to listen.
a friend should answer the phone.If somebody needs help he should make an appoitment because you have boudaries...something like this...the fact is that you have relations with persons that you do not stand, you are not the friends one so you should simply go away from the relation.And this is the truth!And in this episode you speak like a first grade teacher.These are not boundaries and not friendships.this is not friendship...the lady that is annoyed because the friend left a message after she did not answer the call is not a friend type. So she could not complain anymore and close all the relations with the one that believes that has a friend in this lady. Boundaries...this is not a state of being with friend...let s talk only with appointment. I do not see the same as you this time.And you Mel are a friend only if you like the subjects?How can a person ask for help if you are annoyed about hearing her problems over and over again?So for the ones who reaaly need help just psihiatrics are friends?You are very cold, are you sure you are a friend for a person?
What?? 17:19