I have made great strides to set boundaries and say no. The challenge is always the "back draft"- when those people I have said no to, try to guilt-trip me or get angry with me and call me selfish or try to punish me with the silent treatment or otherwise try to push my buttons to get me to relent. Some people just refuse to respect my boundaries, and eventually I have to let those relationships go- even if it is family- for my own health.
Same here, and I've found those relationships that don't respect my boundaries are the ones that really contribute to my illness. These are very close family members and I now get why I feel so much worse when I say no... the backdraft along with a bit of gas lightning!
my Mom's nervous system was wired to people pleasing at age five and became her personality. i inherited this muted nervous inner buzz (in a save and loving environment!!) and living on autopilot, in presence of other people to instantly jump and help/save them like a robot, regardless of the actual situation. currently trying to unbecome this robot. happy to have found the root cause.
also i operate on inner imperatives 1. turn every interaction into a connectionn( no matter how agonized their smile is), 2. find an ecxuse for everyone always, always impute they have the most honorable reasons ( blind for red flags of course), 2. never be a threat/ competition to anyone (not personal, not withinna group and never financially).
my view is so distorted, the operating system my mind runs on is "stockholm syndrom"; i am working on developping an alternativ wiring. i cannot "learn to say no" if my autopilot has already taken over and i dont even asses the situation no-where near realistically.
This is SO important, a big part of why I became sick with CFS was this people pleasing thing. I was always neglecting myself no matter how it made me feel and being scared of people not loving me if I didn’t do what they said. Thank you for the amazing videos as always ❤
@jessherac , I guess it's the thing what is keeping me stuck in fatique. I did a braintraining program, but it didnt "work". One of the things they recommend is begin doing things you like. But I don't have a clue what I like. I have always done what others told me to do. So no authentic self.
Wow! The backdraft… I always felt it unconsiously. Your giving words (and conciousness)to this experience. It always set me back into people pleasing. Thank you so much for explaining, Tanner! 🙏 It s so difficult for me to put bounderies in a conversation… because it feels so sudden, that I need to stop…
The practical examples are so useful, thank you Tanner! 🎉 Disappointing people is tough for me. I also try to control my environment by wanting others to be happy in order for me to feel safe (due to childhood programming).
Hey Tanner! So, I’ve known about TMS for over a year now and I’ve finally doubled down and started consistently doing the work back in October (meditation, getting back into physical activity, trauma therapy, feeling my emotions, etc); and I am curious. I know about extinction bursts but… is it normal for symptoms to get worse before they get better? Also, can extinction bursts last for days? This has happened to me to where I’ll have a flare for a few days and part of me is like this must be an extinction burst but then my doubt tries to creep in. 😅
Hi Tanner, 4 years ago after a scary and stressful event I started feeling sick and out of the blue, I also started experiencing histamine intolerance and environmental sensitivities. One of the main symptoms of histamine intolerance is anxiety which is horrible, for example, if the meat I eat is not that fresh I get so itchy and very anxious. I practically need to freeze my meals. (Histamine levels go up=more anxiety, joint and muscle pain, inflammation). They say that my nervous system is stuck on alert/danger mode and that's the reason for these symptoms. How can I put in practice your videos in a situation like this? I would like to register for your somatic safety method, Do you think it would help me? Have you done a video for cases like this? I appreciate your input and perhaps you can make a video for people experiencing this. Thanks so much Tanner.
Hi, I overcame all my histamine issues with mind body work. Once I realized it was my brain, and I reduced the fear, I started eating again. A great RUclips channel for this is The His Deception with a guy named Joe. His channel will really help you. He suffered as well and overcame. He does some coaching as well if you need. He is a great recourse. Hope this helps you!
Hi Tanner this was a awesome video ❤🙏 can i ask you, in relation to setting a boundary or not ppl pleasing vs kinda not wanting to do something due to fear/anxiety - sorry hard to explain but for example im recovering from cfs/tms, and say ive done a few things thru the week and symptoms are flaring, my husband might say hey lets have a couple ppl over on Saturday night (and for instance its only Wednesday and im already thinking ahhh i do not feel good how am i gonna manage without " that makingme worse" even tho its still like 3 days away)-like in examples like that i really wanna say NO -its definitely not necessarily that i dont want to see the friends, im just worried its gonna be "too much". Like in a world where if i felt completely well i would be fine with that proposed activity i thik.😅 So I get confused as i did a brain retraining course where they would be saying in these senarios i should be immediately stopping the fear thought and worry and changing my belief and predictions about the upcoming proposed event and expect it to go well and fully commit to it. I try do that but the closer i get to the event/activity and im still not well, anxiety ramps up and i really want to cancel but dont becauseof ppl pleasing or i DO cancelout of anxiety/fear my symptomsae gonna get worse. I just feel like stuck between a rock in these situations where either option doesn't seem to be the right one due to the thoughts and emotions behind it 😅 hope this mskes sense and thinking others can surely relate? Wondering if you had sny thoughts or suggestions ? 🙏🙏🙏🙏❤
Good question. Generally exposure to activities will never feel good. This being said we want to stay within a window that we can tolerate the anxiety and pain. Also it can be key to lower the stakes. If you choose not to do this exposure that is okay and there will be other chances to do exposure in the future. Keep going!
@painpsychotherapy ok thank you so much 🙌 I feel a bit like I've plateaud, I've been at this tms work for 2 years now and definitely improved from being house/floor bound to working about 5hrs a week. I guess I'm just at this point where I feel like the exposure to things seems not to be improving anymore and things are a bit stuck 😅 I guess I just keep at it🙌
@@meganobrien1019 This can often happen and usually I suggest people mix up the healing work and try focusing on different aspects of the work. I hope my content can support you in doing this!
@@painpsychotherapy ok that's super helpful and really gives me that glimmer of encouragement i need 😂to feel like theres still hope, just need to change the approach a bit at this point ❤️🙌thankyou 🙏
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
I have made great strides to set boundaries and say no. The challenge is always the "back draft"- when those people I have said no to, try to guilt-trip me or get angry with me and call me selfish or try to punish me with the silent treatment or otherwise try to push my buttons to get me to relent. Some people just refuse to respect my boundaries, and eventually I have to let those relationships go- even if it is family- for my own health.
It is great to hear about your progress, however I know it can be difficult. Keep going!
Same here, and I've found those relationships that don't respect my boundaries are the ones that really contribute to my illness. These are very close family members and I now get why I feel so much worse when I say no... the backdraft along with a bit of gas lightning!
my Mom's nervous system was wired to people pleasing at age five and became her personality. i inherited this muted nervous inner buzz (in a save and loving environment!!) and living on autopilot, in presence of other people to instantly jump and help/save them like a robot, regardless of the actual situation.
currently trying to unbecome this robot. happy to have found the root cause.
also i operate on inner imperatives 1. turn every interaction into a connectionn( no matter how agonized their smile is), 2. find an ecxuse for everyone always, always impute they have the most honorable reasons ( blind for red flags of course), 2. never be a threat/ competition to anyone (not personal, not withinna group and never financially).
my view is so distorted, the operating system my mind runs on is "stockholm syndrom"; i am working on developping an alternativ wiring. i cannot "learn to say no" if my autopilot has already taken over and i dont even asses the situation no-where near realistically.
I wish you the best in your healing. Keep going!
This is SO important, a big part of why I became sick with CFS was this people pleasing thing. I was always neglecting myself no matter how it made me feel and being scared of people not loving me if I didn’t do what they said. Thank you for the amazing videos as always ❤
Keep going with the healing work!
@jessherac , I guess it's the thing what is keeping me stuck in fatique. I did a braintraining program, but it didnt "work". One of the things they recommend is begin doing things you like. But I don't have a clue what I like. I have always done what others told me to do. So no authentic self.
@@mariskaeelman7038 I really recommend Tanner's course, is helping me so so much and you can understand in a deeper way all of this.
Perfect timing!!! ❤❤❤❤omg the universe is answering my prayers❤
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Thanks Tanner,you always explain things so well and then give practical examples of how to overcome it. I will be putting this into practice 🙏🏻😊
I'm so glad it was helpful! 💚💚
Excellent! Thanks, Tanner.
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Wow! The backdraft… I always felt it unconsiously. Your giving words (and conciousness)to this experience. It always set me back into people pleasing. Thank you so much for explaining, Tanner! 🙏
It s so difficult for me to put bounderies in a conversation… because it feels so sudden, that I need to stop…
I'm so glad it was helpful. Keep going!
The practical examples are so useful, thank you Tanner! 🎉 Disappointing people is tough for me. I also try to control my environment by wanting others to be happy in order for me to feel safe (due to childhood programming).
Keep going with the healing work! 💪
Thankyou super helpful ❤
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Very helpfull ❤
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Thank you so much for this helpful video ❤
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Hey Tanner! So, I’ve known about TMS for over a year now and I’ve finally doubled down and started consistently doing the work back in October (meditation, getting back into physical activity, trauma therapy, feeling my emotions, etc); and I am curious. I know about extinction bursts but… is it normal for symptoms to get worse before they get better? Also, can extinction bursts last for days? This has happened to me to where I’ll have a flare for a few days and part of me is like this must be an extinction burst but then my doubt tries to creep in. 😅
Yes this can be very normal. Also yes extinction bursts can last days especially if our responses to them is one of dysregulation. Keep going!
@ thank you for responding!
Hi Tanner, 4 years ago after a scary and stressful event I started feeling sick and out of the blue, I also started experiencing histamine intolerance and environmental sensitivities. One of the main symptoms of histamine intolerance is anxiety which is horrible, for example, if the meat I eat is not that fresh I get so itchy and very anxious. I practically need to freeze my meals. (Histamine levels go up=more anxiety, joint and muscle pain, inflammation). They say that my nervous system is stuck on alert/danger mode and that's the reason for these symptoms. How can I put in practice your videos in a situation like this? I would like to register for your somatic safety method, Do you think it would help me? Have you done a video for cases like this? I appreciate your input and perhaps you can make a video for people experiencing this. Thanks so much Tanner.
Hi, I overcame all my histamine issues with mind body work. Once I realized it was my brain, and I reduced the fear, I started eating again. A great RUclips channel for this is The His Deception with a guy named Joe. His channel will really help you. He suffered as well and overcame. He does some coaching as well if you need. He is a great recourse. Hope this helps you!
Sorry to hear about your symptoms. Yes my course may be helpful, as it outlines a full healing program. I wish you the best in your healing!
Hi tanner which excercise is the best for blended state of fight flight and dorsal?
Check out the meditation section on my main RUclips page. I have practices for all of these!
Hi, yes, it's normal. Read Dr. John Sarno's book and what he calls symptom imperative.
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Hi Tanner this was a awesome video ❤🙏 can i ask you, in relation to setting a boundary or not ppl pleasing vs kinda not wanting to do something due to fear/anxiety
- sorry hard to explain but for example im recovering from cfs/tms, and say ive done a few things thru the week and symptoms are flaring, my husband might say hey lets have a couple ppl over on Saturday night (and for instance its only Wednesday and im already thinking ahhh i do not feel good how am i gonna manage without " that makingme worse" even tho its still like 3 days away)-like in examples like that i really wanna say NO -its definitely not necessarily that i dont want to see the friends, im just worried its gonna be "too much". Like in a world where if i felt completely well i would be fine with that proposed activity i thik.😅
So I get confused as i did a brain retraining course where they would be saying in these senarios i should be immediately stopping the fear thought and worry and changing my belief and predictions about the upcoming proposed event and expect it to go well and fully commit to it. I try do that but the closer i get to the event/activity and im still not well, anxiety ramps up and i really want to cancel but dont becauseof ppl pleasing or i DO cancelout of anxiety/fear my symptomsae gonna get worse.
I just feel like stuck between a rock in these situations where either option doesn't seem to be the right one due to the thoughts and emotions behind it 😅 hope this mskes sense and thinking others can surely relate? Wondering if you had sny thoughts or suggestions ? 🙏🙏🙏🙏❤
Good question. Generally exposure to activities will never feel good. This being said we want to stay within a window that we can tolerate the anxiety and pain. Also it can be key to lower the stakes. If you choose not to do this exposure that is okay and there will be other chances to do exposure in the future. Keep going!
@painpsychotherapy ok thank you so much 🙌 I feel a bit like I've plateaud, I've been at this tms work for 2 years now and definitely improved from being house/floor bound to working about 5hrs a week. I guess I'm just at this point where I feel like the exposure to things seems not to be improving anymore and things are a bit stuck 😅 I guess I just keep at it🙌
@@meganobrien1019 This can often happen and usually I suggest people mix up the healing work and try focusing on different aspects of the work. I hope my content can support you in doing this!
@@painpsychotherapy ok that's super helpful and really gives me that glimmer of encouragement i need 😂to feel like theres still hope, just need to change the approach a bit at this point ❤️🙌thankyou 🙏
i am a recovering people-pleaser
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I feel sorry for all the baristas/servers. Long way to go.😊
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