It did until I went NO CONTACT. From the words of Dr. Ramani “Guilt is the glue to a trauma bond”, let go and allow God to heal you and move forward without these toxic individuals you did not choose.
They do not see you as a child to love and be proud of - they see you as a servant to do stuff for them and a target to ridicule and belittle, ask yourself a question: would you give them 5 minutes of your time if they weren’t related ? = NOPE that’s why they also burn through friends.
I really feel for you as I’m 54 too with a narcissistic 84yr mum. I send you all the best and hope we get through this as it seems to me so unjust that we have spent our lives like this.
55 and dealing with the husband and covert mother. I have physical ailments because of my husband physiological abuse. The thing is he's not as bad as he used to be but it's been too many years and it's taken its toll.
My NM will still shame me and tell me I'm "selfish" and "horrible" if I make a decision without filtering it through her. It's really awful. It's awful to love your parent and have compassion, but not get the same in return from your PARENT.
Now I understand why they always tried to made me feel guilty and blame me. But luckily I have always had this very strong personality, which was opposing them and drove them even more crazy, because I didn't accept their abuse even though I didn't know anything about narcissism at the time.
I’m 54. Mum is 84 & she totally throws guilt & shame at me & has for decades. I blocked her last Christmas & have been in therapy but today I tried to reach out with a text & after initial “hello how lovely to hear from you” she went straight into “you’ve no idea how upset you’ve made me. My friends have supported me as I have cried so much”. Not once in messages my wife has seen or others has she asked how I am or what do I need from her. Your video this morning is helping me process this utter selfishness even though I expected it.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. The utter selfishness of a narc parent is devastating to witness. My mother continues to impress me with the depth of her selfishness every day. It's not your fault. Never was. Hugs if you want them.
@@Littlemushroomtree thank you 🙏 Hugs would help. A stranger was nice to me and supportive after they left I totally cried & told my therapist. It’s because being treated like that is something I’ve never had from my mum and I now know, and have to process, that she can never do it. I get there are people who are abusive and selfish towards others but to process this is my mum doing it and the level to which she is doing it absolutely exhausts and overwhelms me. I hope you are getting the support you also need and find a way through this to some kind of peace in yourself. All the best, Al 😊
How the heck did you know I am literally dealing with this today!?! I put off reading my mom’s email until today, sick to my stomach and then opened RUclips and saw this! Crazy. Thank you so much.
Parents of a narcissistic adult child have the guilt and shame really bad too. This subject isn’t easy to find. Abuse that is not seen by others. This child is charming, intelligent and behaves dotingly in others’ presence. They hold the relationship with the grandchildren hostage. It’s a sad situation.
@maryhatleymeyer If the child is a narcissist, then you guy's failed as parents. A parents wouldn't hold their children "hostage",away from the grandparents or family for no reason. Maybe your child protecting her children from you guy's....
@@incognito3599 , one of the hardest things for a parent of a narcissistic adult child is that there is no compassion or understanding, only blame. It is hard for anyone to understand how a child turns out this way. It’s not always both parents who contribute to this outcome. But, there’s definitely a feeling of failure there. It’s also hard for others to see the abuse perpetrated by the adult covert narcissist child since they abuse in private, and appear charming and congenial to support their false image in front of others. Saying “no” to the narcissist is all it takes to have them tell the grandchildren that “grandpa doesn’t love you”. Saying NO to being bullied for money, paying off their debt, having a relationship with someone they don’t like, these are the kinds of things that are their cause for threats to restriction of grandchildren access.
The body takes a toll and keeps score. It'll be OK you just need to put in a little extra work remembering you're not doing anything wrong. Eventually you'll break free!
At core I found the control freak parent thinking was, because I scarficied soooo much and provided for your childhood, now you need to scarfice your self needs, and how unreasonable and wrong it may be, you need to come and carry your golden siblings weight around. Because, that sibling ain't carrying it's weight and it's okay for me and you need to "help".
Yes this has been my whole life experience and finally at the age of 52 I realised what was happening to me. I’ve never lived my own happy authentic life!
My mother found some topless pictures of women I had when I was about 11 and she confronted me with them as though i'd done something wrong...I wonder if that did more damage than I thought
It definitely could have...I experienced something similar at the same age and was unaware for years about how much it had negatively affected me. It only happened once, but my parents reacted with so much shame and disbelief and anger that it had a MAJOR impact on my development of self/sexuality. I internalized so much shame about myself for years. It led to many relationship and intimacy problems. Your parents are supposed to guide and protect you, but if they shame you for things that are relatively normal, like exploring sexuality at a young age, it can do a lot of damage to a young developing mind...
I know the feeling all to well, I'm 45 and my mom is 64. One time she told me that my boyfriend was was cheating when actually he is currently working as driving patients to their doctor's appointment. She deliberately told me that to hurt me.
Narc parents are so psychotic, it takes years to heal and also dealing with their smear campaign and making people believe that you are the narc as the child....
@@daughterofthmosthigh I mentioned in some of my earlier comments that I have health issues that prevent me from being able to work enough to make enough money to support myself. I stay for financial reasons.
Thank you so much Michelle! I realized this (because it was relevant to my experience) that hypervigilance was itself the goal of my narcissistic abusers because hypervigilance in one's victim is the ultimate narcissistic supply, because it implies the utmost importance and gives the ultimate validation to the narcissist. It's literally a person crazed to anticipate your emotions, needs and impulses... the ultimate supply. So if I didn't keep myself in fight or flight and hypervigilance, I learned instinctively that a blow would fall to send me back there. So it was less traumatizing just to keep myself there. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and the template for healing ❤
This is excellent. I looked up guilt-tripping & the likes on the internet & there is but it’s general or too specific to the point where it can not relate.
Seeing how old some of you are and still going through this? Wow, you’re so strong❤️I hope you find peace and light and enjoy your healing journey no Matter how rough or overwhelming❤️keep pushing guys🙏🏾
Hi , can you make a video about this topic : why does my narcist dad or parents want me to get rid of the only friends i have , my 3 cats .... so im alone ? please explain or make a video why they do that or try to push such a thing..
Narcs will try to isolate you from any support network so that they can better control you if noone else can see what they're up to and interfere with what they're doing, as they don't want to risk exposure or others acting to intervene on your behalf. Rise above it by building a firm, supportive relationship network for yourself anyway, just don't tell them about it as far as possible. Choose your own happiness over that of others who'd like to keep you as miserable as they are. "If there is light in the soul, There will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, There will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, There will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, There will be peace in the world." ~ Chinese proverb. I AM 😊😌🤫👥💕✌️
@@888Mana Yep. Janah, your support system is making you strong without them - so they want to get rid of your support system so you go back to being dependent on them
They are trying to isolate you and make you more dependent on them so they can have more control/power over you. Narcissists want to dominate your life in every way possible.
I married a narcissist and it's been a very hard and trying journey. It was only later in life I have realised some of the similar traits he has to my mother and father in different ways who wouldn't even stoop as low as he has. I feel so terribly for my children and the mental abuse they had to endure and a dysfunctional mother because of the stress. I tried as well as I could and stayed as I did not want him to have access to them alone without me. I thought I could help change him. I believe some things he took on board and some things have become much better over the years, but is that becauseI had to change?. He is still who he is essentially. All about him. The children know this and we navigate through it all as they have left home. I have never bothered leaving because as they say better the devil you know and I have a history of attracting narcissistic partners and friends. I try not to get too close to others now. It's been isolating but every time I get out there some narc has to come and ruin things. Maybe it is just that there are more of them today? Scary. I love my parents and they are essentially good people but I think especially my mother was hurt as a child by theirs. Then they do small things essentially similar without realising it, then try to compensate when they know they have gone too far.
@@csmoothsk8ter17 well aren't you a charmer. Guessing which one you are lol. No some of us put what's best for our children above our needs. The odds of children's success from divorce are not good and I didn't want any predatory males coming into their lives hurting them. I haven't met too many decent males on my journey of 50+ years either. Do you know any males who don't watch pornography? I have seen the consequences on all the children from divorce and I didn't want that future for my children. It's not like he didn't provide and give us all our basic needs. And he did support them when needed. Had we not had children I would have left once his true colours came out. Understand this, he didn't treat me badly before we were married and then had children.
@@m.j.2939 nope not a charmer but definitely healing from codependency. I was just sharing what I learned in therapy with you hoping it might help. I've also learned that raising children in a dysfunctional toxic relationship definitely isn't good for them. It's difficult to leave a narcissist but life's too short to waste. Best wishes💙🦋💙
@@csmoothsk8ter17 ah I see thank you and you too x. Yes I understand that it has affected them too in different ways also which I regret but I did not want another partner and had no money or work opportunities here. It's a hard situation as we live at our business on a farm. The children absolutely love the farm and were surrounded by all their cousins and grandparents. I think this has helped keep them balanced because they had unconditional love around them elsewhere. To uproot them from a place they loved would have been extremely detrimental. I thought a lot about these things over the years. They are now young adults and doing well although the youngest doesn't like her father, which us understandable and I think he realises now ,after me always pointing it out that his words and actions have distanced her. Now he is actually trying to compensate and try where he didn't at all before. Carried on like a child himself of course.
I’m 32 years old and I have a two month old daughter . Because mom who is 60 lives with me and does not like my daughters father, I do not allow him to come around. It is sad because I am allowing my mom to interfere with my daughter having a relationship and bond with her father. I do not know what to do
Tell her to mind her business when it comes to how you raise your child. If she doesn’t like that, then she can move out. You are not responsible for how your mother feels. Maybe you should ask her why she doesn’t like him. You have a very important job raising that little girl. What she sees you tolerate, and live with, will affect her relationships for the rest of her life. Try to give her the tools that will help her be a strong Self-sufficient, emotionally stable independent young lady. Teach her to value herself and her feelings and not let others Dictate how she should live her life. Maybe you should do this for yourself too😊
The only thing is that you can’t cut off family …. We need to know how to survive and help the narcissistic family….. parents, adult children …. We can’t just cut them off!!! How do we survive and thrive!!!
Who said you can’t cut them off ? you need to read up on narcissism. You can’t change them. They have to help themselves and want to change. What you just said, is compared to like, trying to heal an open wound by continuing to expose it to dirt and germs and allowing it to bleed. You’ll never heal as long as you keep exposing yourself to those people. The more you try to push them to change or to help them the more they will resist because it activates their shame. They don’t see it as help they see it as an attack. You can have family other than blood relatives. Choose your family. Choose to be around people who don’t judge or guilt trip you. You weren’t put on this earth to live other peoples lives. Don’t wait till you’re 60 years old like me to realize that you’ve been living your life for other people and live it for yourself
my parents abused me but they aint narcs at least not high on the scale but i cant cure the shame and ive been to any "therapy" im now very tall so the shame is there for 15 years im soon 30 it sucks ass
It did until I went NO CONTACT. From the words of Dr. Ramani “Guilt is the glue to a trauma bond”, let go and allow God to heal you and move forward without these toxic individuals you did not choose.
They do not see you as a child to love and be proud of - they see you as a servant to do stuff for them and a target to ridicule and belittle, ask yourself a question: would you give them 5 minutes of your time if they weren’t related ? = NOPE that’s why they also burn through friends.
I’m 54 and just now realizing this! My body and emotional well being has had enough!
I really feel for you as I’m 54 too with a narcissistic 84yr mum. I send you all the best and hope we get through this as it seems to me so unjust that we have spent our lives like this.
55 and dealing with the husband and covert mother. I have physical ailments because of my husband physiological abuse. The thing is he's not as bad as he used to be but it's been too many years and it's taken its toll.
My NM will still shame me and tell me I'm "selfish" and "horrible" if I make a decision without filtering it through her. It's really awful. It's awful to love your parent and have compassion, but not get the same in return from your PARENT.
Yeah. And that's why you have to separate yourself from them at times.
59 and I still go through this, thank u❣❣
Same as you
I'm 59 & blessed with deceased father. 84yo mother sadistically Catholic & HEALTHY going nowhere not soon enough...
30 and blessed with an amazing husband who has been helping me through this insane guilt. Narc parents are insane!
Now I understand why they always tried to made me feel guilty and blame me. But luckily I have always had this very strong personality, which was opposing them and drove them even more crazy, because I didn't accept their abuse even though I didn't know anything about narcissism at the time.
I’m 54. Mum is 84 & she totally throws guilt & shame at me & has for decades.
I blocked her last Christmas & have been in therapy but today I tried to reach out with a text & after initial “hello how lovely to hear from you” she went straight into “you’ve no idea how upset you’ve made me. My friends have supported me as I have cried so much”. Not once in messages my wife has seen or others has she asked how I am or what do I need from her. Your video this morning is helping me process this utter selfishness even though I expected it.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. The utter selfishness of a narc parent is devastating to witness. My mother continues to impress me with the depth of her selfishness every day. It's not your fault. Never was. Hugs if you want them.
@@Littlemushroomtree thank you 🙏 Hugs would help. A stranger was nice to me and supportive after they left I totally cried & told my therapist. It’s because being treated like that is something I’ve never had from my mum and I now know, and have to process, that she can never do it. I get there are people who are abusive and selfish towards others but to process this is my mum doing it and the level to which she is doing it absolutely exhausts and overwhelms me. I hope you are getting the support you also need and find a way through this to some kind of peace in yourself. All the best, Al 😊
How the heck did you know I am literally dealing with this today!?! I put off reading my mom’s email until today, sick to my stomach and then opened RUclips and saw this! Crazy. Thank you so much.
Parents of a narcissistic adult child have the guilt and shame really bad too. This subject isn’t easy to find. Abuse that is not seen by others. This child is charming, intelligent and behaves dotingly in others’ presence. They hold the relationship with the grandchildren hostage. It’s a sad situation.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. When the narcissistic loved one behaves completely different around others it’s so hard.
@maryhatleymeyer
If the child is a narcissist, then you guy's failed as parents. A parents wouldn't hold their children "hostage",away from the grandparents or family for no reason. Maybe your child protecting her children from you guy's....
@@incognito3599 , one of the hardest things for a parent of a narcissistic adult child is that there is no compassion or understanding, only blame. It is hard for anyone to understand how a child turns out this way. It’s not always both parents who contribute to this outcome. But, there’s definitely a feeling of failure there. It’s also hard for others to see the abuse perpetrated by the adult covert narcissist child since they abuse in private, and appear charming and congenial to support their false image in front of others. Saying “no” to the narcissist is all it takes to have them tell the grandchildren that “grandpa doesn’t love you”. Saying NO to being bullied for money, paying off their debt, having a relationship with someone they don’t like, these are the kinds of things that are their cause for threats to restriction of grandchildren access.
The body takes a toll and keeps score. It'll be OK you just need to put in a little extra work remembering you're not doing anything wrong. Eventually you'll break free!
At core I found the control freak parent thinking was, because I scarficied soooo much and provided for your childhood, now you need to scarfice your self needs, and how unreasonable and wrong it may be, you need to come and carry your golden siblings weight around. Because, that sibling ain't carrying it's weight and it's okay for me and you need to "help".
When the narc shames you remind them off their shame they’ll go off on one
Yes this has been my whole life experience and finally at the age of 52 I realised what was happening to me. I’ve never lived my own happy authentic life!
Omg I need this but it’s like ripping off a soiled band aid. Needed but painful!😓😓😓
My mother found some topless pictures of women I had when I was about 11 and she confronted me with them as though i'd done something wrong...I wonder if that did more damage than I thought
It definitely could have...I experienced something similar at the same age and was unaware for years about how much it had negatively affected me. It only happened once, but my parents reacted with so much shame and disbelief and anger that it had a MAJOR impact on my development of self/sexuality. I internalized so much shame about myself for years. It led to many relationship and intimacy problems. Your parents are supposed to guide and protect you, but if they shame you for things that are relatively normal, like exploring sexuality at a young age, it can do a lot of damage to a young developing mind...
I know the feeling all to well, I'm 45 and my mom is 64. One time she told me that my boyfriend was was cheating when actually he is currently working as driving patients to their doctor's appointment. She deliberately told me that to hurt me.
Narc parents are so psychotic, it takes years to heal and also dealing with their smear campaign and making people believe that you are the narc as the child....
There are people, like myself, who never have the chance to leave their parents' home, even as adults. I can't afford therapy, and I will never heal.
Why do you say you must stay? You say you will never heal. Why cant you leave?
@@daughterofthmosthigh I mentioned in some of my earlier comments that I have health issues that prevent me from being able to work enough to make enough money to support myself. I stay for financial reasons.
@janey lynn
You can do it, please don't give up on yourself. You really can do it. Even if it takes a few years, You can do it💪🏽
Thank you!!! This is my whole life!!! I was self aware but I couldn’t stop it!
Same with me i was aware but still could not help myself
Love this. Im still trying to unveil this. Thank you
Thank you so much Michelle! I realized this (because it was relevant to my experience) that hypervigilance was itself the goal of my narcissistic abusers because hypervigilance in one's victim is the ultimate narcissistic supply, because it implies the utmost importance and gives the ultimate validation to the narcissist. It's literally a person crazed to anticipate your emotions, needs and impulses... the ultimate supply. So if I didn't keep myself in fight or flight and hypervigilance, I learned instinctively that a blow would fall to send me back there. So it was less traumatizing just to keep myself there. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and the template for healing ❤
This is excellent. I looked up guilt-tripping & the likes on the internet & there is but it’s general or too specific to the point where it can not relate.
Seeing how old some of you are and still going through this? Wow, you’re so strong❤️I hope you find peace and light and enjoy your healing journey no Matter how rough or overwhelming❤️keep pushing guys🙏🏾
Thank you for these advice Michele, it helps a lot to gain a distance between the parent and myself.
Thanks dear.
Means i don't love my mother. 😥
I love you, mom ...but I'm going for my dreams
How do I get away when I’m financially tied to my parents? I have no money saved up or inheritance to get away.
This is reaaaly great explanation
Great video thanks Michelle!
Hi , can you make a video about this topic : why does my narcist dad or parents want me to get rid of the only friends i have , my 3 cats .... so im alone ? please explain or make a video why they do that or try to push such a thing..
Narcs will try to isolate you from any support network so that they can better control you if noone else can see what they're up to and interfere with what they're doing, as they don't want to risk exposure or others acting to intervene on your behalf.
Rise above it by building a firm, supportive relationship network for yourself anyway, just don't tell them about it as far as possible.
Choose your own happiness over that of others who'd like to keep you as miserable as they are.
"If there is light in the soul,
There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
There will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world."
~ Chinese proverb. I AM 😊😌🤫👥💕✌️
they want to alienate you from any and all support systems
@@888Mana Yep. Janah, your support system is making you strong without them - so they want to get rid of your support system so you go back to being dependent on them
They are trying to isolate you and make you more dependent on them so they can have more control/power over you. Narcissists want to dominate your life in every way possible.
@@cairosilver2932 This is horrible and incredible frightening and scary , pure evil...
Thank you! It has helped me. Mission Accomplished!
I married a narcissist and it's been a very hard and trying journey. It was only later in life I have realised some of the similar traits he has to my mother and father in different ways who wouldn't even stoop as low as he has. I feel so terribly for my children and the mental abuse they had to endure and a dysfunctional mother because of the stress. I tried as well as I could and stayed as I did not want him to have access to them alone without me. I thought I could help change him. I believe some things he took on board and some things have become much better over the years, but is that becauseI had to change?. He is still who he is essentially. All about him. The children know this and we navigate through it all as they have left home.
I have never bothered leaving because as they say better the devil you know and I have a history of attracting narcissistic partners and friends. I try not to get too close to others now. It's been isolating but every time I get out there some narc has to come and ruin things. Maybe it is just that there are more of them today? Scary. I love my parents and they are essentially good people but I think especially my mother was hurt as a child by theirs. Then they do small things essentially similar without realising it, then try to compensate when they know they have gone too far.
A narcissist and a codependent person feed of each others sick needs.
@@csmoothsk8ter17 well aren't you a charmer. Guessing which one you are lol. No some of us put what's best for our children above our needs. The odds of children's success from divorce are not good and I didn't want any predatory males coming into their lives hurting them. I haven't met too many decent males on my journey of 50+ years either. Do you know any males who don't watch pornography?
I have seen the consequences on all the children from divorce and I didn't want that future for my children. It's not like he didn't provide and give us all our basic needs. And he did support them when needed.
Had we not had children I would have left once his true colours came out. Understand this, he didn't treat me badly before we were married and then had children.
@@m.j.2939 nope not a charmer but definitely healing from codependency. I was just sharing what I learned in therapy with you hoping it might help. I've also learned that raising children in a dysfunctional toxic relationship definitely isn't good for them. It's difficult to leave a narcissist but life's too short to waste. Best wishes💙🦋💙
@@csmoothsk8ter17 ah I see thank you and you too x. Yes I understand that it has affected them too in different ways also which I regret but I did not want another partner and had no money or work opportunities here. It's a hard situation as we live at our business on a farm. The children absolutely love the farm and were surrounded by all their cousins and grandparents. I think this has helped keep them balanced because they had unconditional love around them elsewhere. To uproot them from a place they loved would have been extremely detrimental. I thought a lot about these things over the years. They are now young adults and doing well although the youngest doesn't like her father, which us understandable and I think he realises now ,after me always pointing it out that his words and actions have distanced her. Now he is actually trying to compensate and try where he didn't at all before. Carried on like a child himself of course.
@@m.j.2939 🥰💙🦋💙
Thanks & good job!
I’m 32 years old and I have a two month old daughter . Because mom who is 60 lives with me and does not like my daughters father, I do not allow him to come around. It is sad because I am allowing my mom to interfere with my daughter having a relationship and bond with her father. I do not know what to do
Tell her to mind her business when it comes to how you raise your child. If she doesn’t like that, then she can move out. You are not responsible for how your mother feels. Maybe you should ask her why she doesn’t like him. You have a very important job raising that little girl. What she sees you tolerate, and live with, will affect her relationships for the rest of her life. Try to give her the tools that will help her be a strong Self-sufficient, emotionally stable independent young lady. Teach her to value herself and her feelings and not let others Dictate how she should live her life. Maybe you should do this for yourself too😊
Where can I learn more about this stuff? Trauma and it’s affect on the body and the nervous system? Somatic body experiencing on a deeper level?
Than you
The only thing is that you can’t cut off family …. We need to know how to survive and help the narcissistic family….. parents, adult children …. We can’t just cut them off!!! How do we survive and thrive!!!
Who said you can’t cut them off ? you need to read up on narcissism. You can’t change them. They have to help themselves and want to change. What you just said, is compared to like, trying to heal an open wound by continuing to expose it to dirt and germs and allowing it to bleed. You’ll never heal as long as you keep exposing yourself to those people. The more you try to push them to change or to help them the more they will resist because it activates their shame. They don’t see it as help they see it as an attack. You can have family other than blood relatives. Choose your family. Choose to be around people who don’t judge or guilt trip you. You weren’t put on this earth to live other peoples lives. Don’t wait till you’re 60 years old like me to realize that you’ve been living your life for other people and live it for yourself
You can cut family off, many people do and are thriving✌🏾🧚🏾♀️
Are you joking or what?
👍❤️
❤️
❤🙏🏻❤️
my parents abused me but they aint narcs at least not high on the scale but i cant cure the shame and ive been to any "therapy"
im now very tall so the shame is there for 15 years im soon 30 it sucks ass
im shameful for how i look and i dont go out bcz they shamed me for who i was when i was a kid
life sucks