People liked Sonic too BUT WHERE DID THAT GO DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN I TELL YOU YEAH I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THAT SHIT IT'S NOT FUCKIGN FAIR AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK WHAT WE USED TO HAVE IT WAS A THRIVING GROUP AND NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF JADED CYNICS WHO WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING
I believe in you. You do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Even though I've never met you and I have no idea who you are, you are valuable, no matter what happens.
Theres a quote on trauma i really resonate with personally, i cant remember where i heard it. "What happened when it was over? Maddeningly, the sun continued to rise each morning"
I've been going crazy trying to find this quote for about an hour now and nothing genuinely the closest I could find online was getting linked back to this video because of the comment. So if i use it I'll quote you haha thanks x
This hit me hard...it’s exactly how i view my own attempt because I panicked and told someone about it before I tried it and was thus stopped. It’s really brought some perspective and yet I still can’t see it as legitimate. Strange how irrational we can be in the face of rationality
This. My best friend never let me get away with thinking my sitting on my bed with a knife trying to work up the courage to use it wasn't a suicide attempt 'because I never hurt myself' and that saved my life. Suicide attempts don't just 'count' if you were hurt physically.
Xanthelei this is so huge. I’ve never understood it like this. When I stared down the barrel of an unloaded shotgun wondering if I should do it. Wondering if I should go out like Kurt did or if I even had the balls to do it. Before this I would never have counted it as a suicide attempt, but I really should I believe.
You know, it's funny - it's been a long time since I tried to slit my throat but there's still a voice in my mind that says "It wasn't a serious attempt - you didn't even need to go to the hospital. Just a few bandaids and some bloody sheets." It seems even with suicide, no matter, how far you go, it's never good enough sometimes, lol.
I'm a cis man and I had to go through the very awkward experience of reporting to my company that a female coworker had made inappropiate sexual advances. I was met with the response too, that I'm physically stronger than her so it shouldn't be a problem. But my reply was "Are you saying a should have hit her?" Like they don't understand that being physically stronger doesn't mean anything in that context. I don't have anyway to defend myself besides avoiding and telling other people in hopes of getting support. Which can be hard because most people will down-play men reporting sexual harassment.
Pffft they want you to be a man but ignore everything about you being a man. They want you to be a tyrant without wanting a tyrant. It was the same at my job where I was assaulted by a woman and people kept putting in details that were simply not true and will not ever acknowledge. In the end I'm filled with hate and don't care but at the same time care too much. They dotn care, they'll never really care, I don't really belong no matter what I do and I'll hate myself forever so let me just commit suicide already.
I had a friend who pulled that one. Several, actually. They never hit me, but they'd gaslight me into irrational behavior, making me fear isolation if I broke things off with them. I went through this sort of toxicity with no fewer than three different people, and I didn't recognize it for what it was until I was talking to another friend who'd told others, "Expect better." This friend patiently listened as I went through everything that had transpired between me and our mutual friend, and when I finished, opening the floor for comment, the reply was, "Well, I have to believe he can be better."
The part when they said 'and I realised wow, I look a lot like my dad'. Urgh that trans feel, my heart broke for Abi retrospectively. I've struggled so much with seeing my older siblings/parent of my birth assigned gender, god I love them of course but it hurts a ridiculous amount when all I can see in them is my future and the hatred of myself being that gender forever. It's awful to basically have future vision of what I will look like unless I can transition. Unfortunately I can't bc medical reasons. I've got a delightful terminal illness on top of all that (like a few years outlook not like dying in a few months) which adds to the agony of seeing myself in my older sibling which I know I'll never make it to that age. Sorry that got off topic but I do now wonder if Abi was feeling similarly with that line. The trans stuff, not terminally ill lol
@@bruhfvdf3145 you have no clue how much your comment has affected me! First off - I'm still alive! Heck yeah! I'm on a ventilator 24/7, a ton of my body's systems have shut down and I need a ton of medical intervention to stay alive, but I am alive! Unfortunately transition wise, I'm still in the same place I was 3 years ago, if not actually set back a bit. Due to my deteriorating muscles, I need 24/7 care and I'm stuck in a caregiving situation where my caregivers reject any form of LGBT+ identity, so as in 100% reliant on them to get dressed, do my hair, express outwards self, I'm trapped appearing in ways that they decide is 'appropriate' (I.e. Dressing and looking like a very stereotypical cliché version of my birth gender..). Let alone be called by the correct pronouns etc... (TW suicide mentions later in this paragraph) But you 'checking in' on me has meant so much. Even if you're just a stranger who stumbled across this thread and asked if I'm still around, it still has touched me that someone cares if I'm alive or not. I've bed 'sick'/disabled for a long time (my whole life really) but as my condition progressed, I lost more and more of my outside connections, things like friends and even family. People don't know how to act around someone dying like me, and so they don't even try. I was thinking recently about how truly no one gives a damn about if I'm still alive or not or would notice f I was dead. Suicide is something I think about a lot but ironically I'm now too disabled to have any ways to commit suicide myself. I have heavy medications I'm on like morphine and benzos but I can't put them down my IV line without a nurse etc, I don't have enough hand function /muscle to even push a syringe lol Maybe it's stupid for me to care so much, but I dunno, you asking if I'm still alive has emotionally affected me a lot (in a positive way), so thank you. I'm sorry if this reply is way too heavy and weird, I truly apologise if so
Yeah the moment he started talking about No Exit and how there were no cuts on stage I was thinking "wait thats gonna be the theme, isn't it? He's gonna try and make this video be like No Exit, isn't he?"
The "pretending to be asleep" one hit me the most, I did it for my stepdad when I was a child and my gf when I got older because both were abusive to me.
It’s crazy how a goodnight kiss can feel like the most terrifying moment of your day. A gesture that is thought of as a act of gentleness or care can feel insincere, dishonest and violating.
I will up the ante and deeply appreciate you having spotted it. And yes, it is exceptionally difficult a thing to do even with unscripted videos that do not require perfection. I have pulled it off maybe twice. When they are scripted and you must refilm them repeatedly because you lose it two sentences from the finishing of a forty minute clip.. that day makes for a terrible week. At the very least you can count on me to be extremely appreciative of every move this man makes.
To be clear, wherever I say that I had been so determined in the case of such videos because I was honor bound to a strict one-shot policy what I mean is that I am still very new to all of this and at the time I had not realized that I could edit videos.
On a slightly unrelated note, I thought I was having a stroke when he said the play is called "No Exit" cause I know it as "Behind Closed Doors" but I couldn't remember that either for a moment there, so I was like "no, I know this is not the right title, but what IS the right title, what is happening right now, is this real life" etc. The French title "Huis clos" is legalese, the English equivalent of which is "In camera", but "Behind closed doors" is an accurate colloquial translation. I'd never heard of it as "No Exit" before (though apparently all three alternatives have been used at one time or another)!
"i broke up with my girlfriend and then suddenly i could create again" absolutely knocked me out. i know exactly what you mean. i was anorexic, i broke up with my partner and then suddenly i could eat again. i could make art again. i could feel emotion again. thank you so very much for this video
so i'm basically bernadetta yeah i needed (and honestly still need) a ton of time and therapy to recover from my ED. ending my relationship was just the thing that suddenly took recovery from being utterly unfathomable to being something i could start working towards. hope you’re doing better lately too, EDs are horrible things to experience
After my relationship, I went from a 3.2 in college, to a 4.0. I realized I want to be a doctor (instead of a pharmacist or SLP). I want to fight, I'm tired of complacency, and I had been in that rut for a long time when I was using all my resources to make someone else happy.
"trauma isn’t always like a lightning bolt where you know that you’ve been hit. sometimes trauma is like poison that someone slips into your food in little doses and you sit down every night and you eat that poison and you don’t realise it’s building up inside you, until suddenly you stop functioning."
I noticed that to! When she came out I was worried she might get ride if her other videos and I had to download them. But I’m SO HAPPY she isn’t and we might be able to find “easter eggs” in the too like the wink in this one. ❤️🏳️🌈
As a newcomer to this channel, this is actually the only video of hers I saw _before_ the coming out video. I appreciated that part too, though in a different way at the time, since I saw "A Trans Coming Out Story" on the recommended-video sidebar, but didn't know exactly what it was about yet (I had to watch it to confirm that it was HER coming out story, not a signal boost of someone else's)
I'm a woman who was abused by a woman. a cuter, younger, smaller woman who wore pink and glitter and fuzzy things. a woman with a considerable following for her cute art. no-one believed how bad the situation could be. your video and your story describe my emotions and the aftermath I will deal with for years to come perfectly. I didn't think I was getting abused, I just wasn't allowed to contact my friends, talk to anyone without her supervision, go anywhere without her, exercise, etc. my mental illness existing was violence towards her. I now have a girlfriend who knows everything and understands. I am more than lucky to have met her, not everyone would take it so cool. what hurts the most are the people who don't understand how deeply this can affect ones life. quite permanently. I feel better hearing other peoples feelings and thoughts and experiences, it makes me feel less alone.
Kuekuekuri I can absolutely emphatize with you. I've been in a similar relationship when I was only 14, she was older. It was a long distance relationship that lasted 2 years and even now, 6 years later, it's hard to convince myself I let her abuse me. But I know it happened and I recognize my streght, so I applaud you because you got out of it as well. (pardon my English, it's not my native language)
Kuekuekuri much like you I went through a situation rather similar, she would tell people she was a fragile, sensitive former abuse victim and while those could’ve been true (no one could ever verify those claims) she would undermine me, insult my appearance and stick her talons into my fears and worries until she had all the fun she could and left me for someone she had been cheating on me with, now granted, she was also cheating on him with a third party so I suppose there’s some natural spiteful silver lining there, though still. Abusers can be anyone
Holy shit, minus the big following, your abuser sounds identical to mine. She constantly pressured me into being the “stone butch” she wanted, and made me feel like I was abusive for not doing that and not being dominant and for not just “leaving” my emotionally abusive parents. It’s wild how abusers will turn the symptoms of their abuse into “abuse” against them. Make you doubt your own pain. Make you feel *guilty* for having psychological and physical symptoms of what they did to you.
Kuekuekuri holy shit i had the same thing. My gf pressured me into identifying as lesbian even though i wanted to remain true to my identiy as pansexual even if i was in a wlw relationship. She also isolated me from my friends, demanded constant attention and always wanted me to be a hard butch, which i wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t want to tell anyone how bad it partially got bc i felt it would be traitorous in some way. She ended it about a month ago because i was at an event and couldn’t call her when she wanted to talk. i’m so glad yall got out
me too oh fuck, soon's I read other survivors, I was like fuuck. I wasn't just the only one havin nightmares regularly for months, and I wasn't the only one on and on as I could go on but I can't cuz I'm boutta go to sleep.
yup! as someone who’s gotten dehydration headaches from crying too much, PLEASE drink water after crying. it also is soothing to your brain (i don’t remember why).
Along with 9:03, I feel like when she described her feeling “big”, “oafish”, and like “shrek”, along with the trauma, it could also point to gender dysphoria in a way. I’m not trans in any way, but it was just something I’ve noticed. anyways glad that she’s happier now.
@@AlbertBalbastreMorte well I mean I’m not the expert on trans-fems bc I’m not one, but it was just my interpretation, but I could be completely wrong.
"In an abusive relationship, your virtues get turned against you: 'Don't you want to be patient? And forgiving?' 'Isn't it good to listen?' 'Don't you want to provide for your girl?' 'Don't you want to be faithful?' 'If you love someone, you don't give up on them.' In an ordinary relationship, those virtues will shine. With an abuser, you will die waiting for them to be reciprocated." Fucking hell, I'm sobbing. This was my life for 2017/18.
Yeah, that’s why we need to decide what the limit of being “good” is and stick to it to protect ourselves. Even the most admirable virtues become vices past a certain point. Can’t be “too” good. Believing one is a “saint” or TOO open minded, TOO understanding IS exactly what the abuser is counting on. No boundaries is abusers’ heaven.
Same... 08-12, and it took me another 7 years as a recluse before confronting it. I'm glad to have made it here now, anyone who is just now working on recovering, stay strong, there is a 'real you' somewhere inside there.
Someone needs to consensually give this poor woman a hug. She’s been through too much shit. I hope you’re going better now Abigail. I love your channel.
*Oliver:* [painful diatribe with a truckload of self hate on the side] *Me, relating to a startling degree:* [about to burst into tears] *Oliver:* And she said, [cheerful Australian accent] "Do you think that's a bit harsh?" *Me:* [crying laughing]
I watched this video and a few minutes later, my abusive soon-to-be-ex-wife sent me a message. I read it, thought about it for a second, then blocked her. Then I retweeted your video with my own story, finally telling the world what had happened to me: a decade-long tale of alcoholism, gaslighting and harassment. You're a hero. Thank you so much for everything you do and remember - I understand how you feel.
What's important is you find your center--be that place you want to be. Having been through a divorce with an abusive ex-wife (this video really exposed it all for me), I can tell you that distance is your friend. Good luck. We're all counting on you!
I had this very un-Kiwi impulse to woot (Kiwis do not woot, wooting is a strange concept to us) very loudly when I read your comment. Stoked for you my dude, good luck in your future ventures!
16yrs with my ex. I'm male, bigger, stronger etc but I had the emotional vulnerability to be hooked in. Physical, emotional, psychological abuse and plenty more. 16yrs. I can't ever quantify what this costed me and what I lost. Thanks. I've seen plenty of abuse videos but this is by far the most real about my own experience. It matters.
Sometimes when you don't expect that certain people can be suffering in specific ways (for your own mind because you have those issues and you don't want other people that you like to as well or don't want people to live like that at all) it just hits you that anyone can be depressed, be in an abusive relationship, or have trauma/mental health issues in general.
Emma Kane. Yeah it's really unexpected that an obvious narcissist could have self esteem issues, who would have thought? Coincidentally, I'm a Nigerian prince whose assets were impounded by customs. Could you loan me the $10000,- customs fees? I will pay you back a hundredfold. I'm sure your excellent judgement of character will tell you I'm truthful in this and surely not ridiculing you.
@@seavpal I'm not sure whether you are saying his mother was a narcissist and that is why she couldn't see it, he is a narcissist and is faking it to get donations or that his ex-partner is a narcissist and they are also the product of abuse so we should have sympathy??? If it's the first point, we don't know his mother, so cannot make that judgement, and as an intelligent and highly motivate person he is likely extremely good at hiding his emotions and continuing to function, even from those who know him well. If it's the second point, if you had experienced what he describes and have even a shred of empathy you would realise he is not lying. Is he using a bad situation to his own advantage, possibly, is he doing a lot of good at the same time, definitely. If you are accusing him of being a narcissist I would suggest that you are projecting your own past trauma onto him, he isn't. If it's the third point, yes narcissists are the product of their own abusive upbringing, they are hurt and damaged people too. However, that doesn't negate the pain and suffering they cause to those around them. And as adults they have the option to deal with their problems and don't (maybe they can't), they may have been hurt but they have the choice to deal with that and stop hurting others and they chose differently. So yes they deserve our compassion but from a distance, a very great distance.
I'm a mom to a 19 yo. He introduced me to your channel. You give me hope for the future of his world. And I'm so glad he found you to model what it means to be human in this oft-forsaken world. Thank you for being there for him in ways that I cannot.
So. This will likely be drowned in the sea of comments, but... thank you. I'm a survivor of abuse, first by my father, then by my first wife. I won't go into details, but... just... thank you. As awful as surviving it is, knowing that I'm not alone... it helps. May you find contentment where you can with what is available.
@@marias-i3333 thanks. I really appreciated the line, "... it's more like rehearsing a play until its performance is natural and unconscious..." it's so true.
@@beylethdirons2160 I feel that too. It took so long of stopping my selfloathing trains of thought with positive affirmations to learn how to be nice to myself I try to keep in mind that everytime I practice self-compassion and other good habits, I'm getting better at it :)
"If you have trauma, if you have been abused, I've only got one thing to say to you: I understand how you feel." So, here I sit, almost 5 months after this video was posted, and who knows how long after it was recorded, shaking and crying in my little office at work -- an office I have because of the severe anxiety I feel from having co-workers and superiors approach me from behind in an open office environment -- because I simply did not know how badly I needed to hear those words. From someone. From anyone. Even from some stranger 4600 km away. It's been six and a half years since my abusive relationship ended, and this is the first time that I've heard those words, and I don't have the words of my own to actually express what it means to hear them. Thank you. From the deepest, most central reaches of my self: Thank you.
Yes, every time I watch this video I tear up when I hear Ollie say "I understand how you feel." I suppose I haven't had enough people in my life who do understand, but his experience and the emotions he shows in this video show me that although no one can 100% understand another person's experiences, he understands enough to make me feel not so alone. Also, just so you know another person understands how you feel at least somewhat, I have had severe anxiety about people being behind me since I was 13 (37 now) after an incident with my abusive brother. It can make being around other people practically impossible. I empathize with what you have had to deal with and hope you are able to turn it into something that can help you and others!
All the strength to you. I began to realize in the last two years the abuse I suffered in a relationship I was in over 10 years ago. For so long I thought it was my fault it didn’t work out but have started to come to grips with the deep deep hurt and abuse that was inflicted on me and that spread out on so many aspect of my life - particularly trust. I just watched this for the first time and the capital T truth came flooding at me and for the first time I’ve had to acknowledge the help I need. I hope you have reached a similar place, that we can’t do this on our own. Again - all strength, support, and love your way.
Another comparison between you and Shrek: Shrek helped someone stop hating themselves and learn to accept themselves for who they were, and ultimately, helped them be happy
"Of cis men in particular who are often encouraged to be independent and strong becoming dependant on their female partners when all they really need is friends or a therapist" Say it louder for the people in the back!
@@NaomiCalls Eh, I'd argue with trans men there's less of a problem with society pressuring them into a certain form of masculinity and more outright denial of their gender identity in and of itself.
That comment about smashing the Ikea wardrobe being masculine always struck me as odd. Like, why note that of all things? In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense.
"People liked Shrek" is a brilliant response to Body dismorphic disorder thoughts. So thank you for that. And thank you for sharing this part of your life. It will help a lot of people.
@@marekwygnany924 Shrek was always accepted by the normal people. Who didn't accept him were the noblemen and women, and the fairy godmother (not normal people at all).
That feeling that you're too big, too heavy, that nothing fits right, that your body feels awkward and uncomfortable, and the hyper awareness of every movement ...I get that. The last time I felt this way was over a decade ago, and I don't know why I feel it now, but I really, really appreciate that I'm not the only one. I didn't start off watching this expecting to find that, but then again, Ollie has a remarkable habit of putting in to words things I push aside. A true philosopher.
it wasn’t until 6 minutes in that i realized he was speaking at length, clearly, and emphatically in ONE TAKE. the theater background really shines here because it makes the presentation that much more raw. solid soliloquy
"It's really suited to the stage, because it's only one act. It wouldn't really work if it was a film because part of the awful tension is that there's not cuts, no edits . . ." He said, knowing full well he was also describing his own video.
The part where Abigail said, “A lot of people can probably relate to what Fanon was talking about” hit differently now that she came out as trans. It feels weird to realize that she now has a bunch of parts in her videos where she talks about trans people in third person, like she isn’t one of them.
I've seen quite a lot of discussion about how those things can be reactions to gender dysphoria - in the later stages just before the egg's about to crack, a lot of trans people (but obviously not all) may double down with one last try at fitting the gender role that matches their birth assignment
Wow. I was actually triggered. I didn't expect this to be about trauma from the male (as presented) perspective. I remember one night my ex wife and I went to a bar with friends. End if the night, she gets drunk and punches me in the face in the parking lot. I looked up and so my friends watching. They were in shock. Then they turned around, pretending they didn't see it. They were trying to protect my "pride." If I hit her, they would have been all over me. But I'm a man. And "it's okay to hit men." Right?
No, it wouldn't be fine. But if I were your friend, I would have been overwhelmed with the situation. I would have tried to talk to you afterwards, as I wouldn't know how to deal with it in that situation. What would have been your wish your friends should have acted like? Your abuse may not be reversible, but maybe you can help me to act better? If you want to.
@@radschele1815 Good on you for wanting to be a better friend. Before I answer, a word of caution. Anything I say is specifically about me, what I believe I needed in that moment and how I would handle now. What I need or what I would do may not be what YOUR friends need. As long as that is clear. Honestly, what you said would be perfect. My friends didn't talk to me about it afterwards. They pretended to didn't happen. Chalk that up to toxic masculinity. I wouldn't blame you for freezing in that moment. Talking to me afterwards, LISTENING, would have helped a great deal. I believe the best thing you can do when you have friend who is being abused is to show them what true love and friendship looks like. You can do this by simply being a good friend who is willing to listen and be there when they hit bottom. Even though many friends and family told me she was toxic and I need out, I wasn't resdy to listen. It's a different situation when a man is the victim of a woman. I, myself, had to get over my own toxic masculinity and realize that this was not normal or okay. I eventually cam around because of my mother. Without judgment and without giving her own opinions, she made one powerful statement, "If you are okay with this being your life for another 30 to 40 years, then stay with her. If not, then you have a choice to make." Her statement reminded me that I not only have the power to leave the situation, but that I also had the support to endure the fallout. Which made leaving less scary. Now, as to whether or not my friends should have taken action, I don't know. I don't think it would have ended well if they did. Abusers have a way of brainwashing their victims. Even if we know our friends are right, comma our abusive partners are so inside of our heads, that we would defend them to the bitter end. So it's probably better that they didn't intervene. But I would have liked it if they followed up. I try to give you a very thorough answer because I believe this is a very delicate matter. It's different for everyone in every situation. Thank you for choosing to be a good friend.
@@richardthemagician8991 I know it wasnt directed to me, but I really appreciated the answer. thank you for sharing your experience so more people are aware of how toxic masculinity affects these already-complex issues. I hope you find peace, if you haven't already.
@@richardthemagician8991 Hey, I'm not the person who you responded to, but that's a really, really good response. Thank you for taking your time to write that out, it's genuinely really good thought food and I... feel better? enriched? for having read it. Thank you, and I hope you're doing well now with friends who truly care about you. P.s. I don't know how to express this in professional or normal lingo, but, for lack of a better word, you are so based. Like, that entire reply and the way you spoke just hit home and REALLY mattered. Thank you for that, absolute mad lad
And unhealthy masculinity too though. That's such a big part of what happened here. Too much compassion, too much patience, too much altruism; that feeling of strength, and invulnerability, of personal responsibility for everything that happens around us, never the victim; being too aloof to have friends, and too detached to be in touch with his emotional well-being.
Prop to you for noticing and not denying. That's the first step, and it indicates that you can change! But get some help, you probably have a lot of work to do
Oh god please do. It's not easy i guess but as someone who has grown up with abusive people and finding myself in abusive friendships as well i would be thankful if someone is trying to change their behaviour.
I was traumatized, and one of the hardest parts is sometimes you carry the worldview/behaviours of the people who hurt you. No bad behavior is an island. It's good that you recognize your mistakes, it will be how you stop the horrible cycle from continuing.
As a male presenting person who has lived through sexual, verbal, and physical abuse I cannot express how grateful I am for this video. Abigail, you're really helping me work through a lot of issues (alongside therapy and medication.) I really identify with comedy as a coping mechanism. When you described the therapist not showing and the breakup alongside abandonment issues while still seeing it as objectively funny hit me right in the gut. Keep up the magnificent work. Forgive an American for very improper emotional showing but love and support to you from across the pond.
As I watched this video, I kept thinking, "This is so well-made and amazingly rehearsed. He's doing it all with no cuts and pretty much one take, and his script sounds so naturally flowing; I can tell he put a lot of practice into it." And then he said, "[Recovering from trauma is] more like rehearsing a play-- you have to keep going over it and over it until it becomes unconscious and natural." And that kind of blew my mind. Not to mention making the whole setting feel like No Exit with the small room and no jump cuts..... This is incredible and I am touched by both your story and by how much heart you put into this video.
@Carlos Saraiva Whether you wish to accept it or not, it takes a good amount of courage to share your personal, emotional, dark events of your life with hundreds of thousands of people, not once, but indefinitely.
@Carlos Saraiva feedback is not constrained to youtube and olly makes himself available for contact via other means. ignoring only goes so far. if you're online, you can't ignore online. signed, online has been my job for over a decade.
I gotta say, the best mechanism I have gotten from this video is that when I go on a terrible rant about how awful a person I am inside my head, I hear a nice Aussie woman's voice saying "Don't you think that's a little harsh?" So thanks for that, it's really useful!
@@sasharemington6025 hilariously enough, the person who gave me my trauma in the first place is called Charlotte so i shall be naming mine something else lmao. maybe Evie? joking aside this is a very good takeaway and i will definitely be adopting this coping mechanism
"Sooner or later you're going to finish Attack on Titan season 3, and you're gonna look at your reflection in the laptop screen and think, 'Wow, I look a lot like my Dad.'" I have never been so offended by something so completely true.
I was in an emotionally, mentally, and, in the end, physically abusive with a woman for six years. I'm 6'2, 275 lbs, bearded biker dude. My friends had no idea, and luckily were very supportive after we split up. It wasn't the first, or even the second time, I was in an abusive relationship. I make it a point to talk about my experiences with anyone, but particularly other men, who I see going through similar things because I believe there is value in me sharing my perspective and telling people that there is solidarity to be found. Talk on, comrade.
@@HerneHunter While there's nothing wrong with honest self reflection, there's however something is very wrong with encouraging abuse survivors to balme themselves. Again, why can't he blame his Exs aka not all women? There're abusive men so do you really think us, women, can't be assholes too? I 'm surprised that you can be so insensitive after watching the video or maybe you didn't at all, and chose to stuck with that toxic mindset instead.
@@justalostlocal litterally I got banned from r/askreddit for telling people to look up a top commentor post history, as he was telling a story about a supposed abusive ex wife that he had to meet at a restaurant in a front page post. His name was something like I rape c**ts but scrambled so I went and check his profile and the dude was posting on r/braincels, and had recent post about "land whales". Not the first time I have seen a far right concerned troll on reddit. T_D users do that too by faking bad interactions with migrants or lgbt people.
My first attempt also wasn't a "serious attempt." Never even hurt myself, just stood at a bridge and stared for an hour. Knowing that other people doubt the "seriousness" of their attempt(s) is...comforting? Knowing someone as amazing and cool as you has lots of similar doubts, traumas, etc to me. Thank you for existing, you're existence matters :)
🙌🙌definetly true. after my first *"serious"* attempt, i realized that there's been so many attempts before that, just that i wrote it off as just being a bit sad, but really i had tried to die. it doesn't need to be life threatening
I went through my boyfriend's cabinets while he wasn't there, looking for enough pills to never wake up again. Didn't count it as an "attempt" because I didn't find his prescription meds (which, I found out years later, he had cleverly locked in the trunk of his car). July 4, 2016. Independence Day. The day I realized that I had been mentally colonized, and decided to finally get help.
@@dannyschiffer I just realised reading your comment that yeah that time when I sat alone in darkness embracing a knife trying to find the courage to plunge it in me... that was an attempt. And several others too before the "serious" ones. I never thought about that in this way. It's been with me for three decades.. I often wish I just wouldn't wake up the next day.. but I always do.
I just quit taking care of my self, with eating, sleeping but also crossing streets or train crossings. The most passive "attempt" ever so i never counted it. I thougth i was free of it but afther my boyfriend dumped me it was back for a while (and i didn't even want him back). It's been in and out ever since
Holy shit. Just I came out as trans about two months ago. I found your channel a week ago. You really do so fucking accurately tell me my own thoughts and feelings better than I can understand them or explain them. So very many similar life experiences and thoughts. I don't have any trans people in my life, or anyone who I know who understands what I feel and it just makes me so happy to know I'm really not alone.
Speaking of trauma being hilarious sometimes, one time the Suicide Hotline hung up on me. Literally, I called the suicide hotline, the guy on the other line seemed to be in a bad mood and answered with "what do you want?" and I was having a massive panic attack, as one who calls the suicide hotline sometimes does, and he just sighed and hung. Up. On. Me. Looking back now, that's really fucking funny. But whenever I tell people that story they never laugh! They just look horrified and uncomfortable!
Wow! That sounds totally absurd. Straight out of a dark comedy! My hilarious moment was with my mom. She was very abusive in many ways, but this time, she was threatening to beat me. I snapped and told her I'd kick and punch her if she touched me. And then she looked at my all HORRIFIED, going "I can't believe you'd beat your own mother!".
That happened to me too, actually. I was crying so hard I couldn't manage to get words out to actually talk to the person and they hung up instead of... Trying to talk to the person who was obviously not feeling or doing OK.
I... didn’t realize I had been in an abusive relationship until you told your story. Sincerely, thank you. I’ve got some stuff to work through now, but at least I’ve got a place to start.
Careful friend, double check this isn't psychological projection before acting upon it. Learning about a symptom can cause you to experience the symptom. It's common in psychology.
@@arcarsenal1380 I don't know that this level of skepticism is healthy. If it is projection, it's relatively harmless. If it's not, you're adding fuel to the flames of their self doubt, which is highly harmful in this scenario.
People who suspect they have been abused should see someone and not diagnose themselves. However, while they are waiting to see someone it's prudent to remove themselves from the situation if they can.
Reminder that no one has to hit you for it to be full blown abuse. His experience would’ve been abusive with or without that detail. Sending all the love to anyone who’s going through it or anyone who’s already made it on the other side, I’m proud of you.
I heard something useful recently, that if you have to change yourself to be someone else for your partner for fear that they won't grant you the space, freedom, and security to live as your full authentic self, that's emotional abuse. If you live in fear of your partner, even if they have never hit you, then you are likely in an abusive relationship.
@@brennam954 yeah but what if thats all in your head? I would rather say that if u feel like you have to change for your partner, you have to address that and talk to them. If they start gaslighting you or don’t acknowledge those feelings, then they arent really the best of partners. I have in the past had issues, where people said they had to change for me, eventhough i didnt even care about the behaviours they apparently changed, in romantic and platonic relathionships. Communication is key!
@@brennam954 welp im 20 so i guess i had to learn a few things about communication first. And pls dont think i dont know i was part of the problem. But theres always two sides.
A line prior was the real twist of the knife for me, when they admitted Suicidal Thoughts and was told: "Without consideration to how she would feel...." It was the same moment in my life when I realized the non-physically abusive relationship I was in was extremely toxic. I won't go into details but it shocked me greatly to hear similar words from my now ex. One would think the very first consideration in such a situation would be towards the soul suffering to the point of suicide... even then, it is all about them. Irony, in my case: I wasn't following through because of a defense mechanism I have, thinking on those who care about me for whatever messed up reason. My ex had to start a fight in order to find out he details of my thoughts, instead of accepting a request for some space, because I didn't want to leave them feeling as if it was their fault when it was a 'me' issue. At least I can say one thing good about that night - I started the divorce process the next day.
Abigail, as a therapist who deals with abuse on the regular, I want to offer my compassion for what you've gone through as well as respect for the way you've absolutely nailed what abuse IS and how therapy works to help people manage it. Many thanks.
"Then buy yourself a gym membership and get out of my life." Vicarious cathartic snarking aside, I am so sorry you went through that shit. I hope you're safe from them now.
@@helloofthebeach abusers also make it very difficult to realize, so it's never, ever your fault when you didn't realize sooner. "I should have realized" is a very sneaky way of blaming yourself for things others did to you.
21:10 "When I get down to that kernel of truth, it's just, 'You're worthless and your needs mean nothing.'" Oh. Oh god, that hit me in a place I've kept buried for years.
That felt so true it hurts like a cut that just got reopened (even though I am still being emotionally abused by my father so it never had time to heal.)
It's a sad and scary place. But you are absolutely worth being safe and loved. It takes time to build yourself back up, but it happens. Getting to that place that was buried for years is extremely painful, but uncovering that pain and working with it will do wonders. If you can at all afford any kind of therapy--the process is absolutely worth it.
you know - if you vere get that feeling. Write back and ping me and i promise you - I will look forward seeing you. We all deserves to be greetet with happines once a while.
When I first watched this video, I kept making excuses as to why these things didn't *really* apply to the situation I was in. "Yeah, but she apologized after hitting me" "Sure, but that was my choice" "Nah, she's just in a rough place, you help people you care about, right?" Now every time I rewatch this, it reminds me of just how....wrong the things she did to me were. Thanks, Olly.
PT: No Exit works best as a stage play because there are no cuts or edits and the longer it goes the more uncomfortable you get. Me: Whoa, that would make a cool youtube video. ... 8 mins in with no cut: Oh shit, this is that video isn't it?
"I told her about something she had done that hurt me and she would explain how I was wrong and she was right." Holy fuck! I've never heard anyone else who has so eloquently said this. This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years. Between the psychological terrorism, the emotional abuse and sexual abuse, my life was worthless. I still very much deal with feelings of inadequacy that my wife taught me that I had. I left her over three years ago and started my transition two years ago. We have two kids together so I can't completely get her out of my life yet and she *still* tries to manipulate, control and abuse me. When I look back on it, I wish that she would have just beat me. At least those physical scars would have healed. She left me with emotional scars that may never heal. I love you, Abby. I'm glad that you're still alive and you have transitioned. I hope you fully heal some day.
Abby, you told my own story to me. Do all of us trans ladies live through this? Do we all attract selfish sociopaths? Like it wasn't just my ex wife, but basically every woman I have been intimate with has somehow kicked the shit out of me emotionally. Hugs, gorge. Hugs for fucking days. Love and light, sister.
I had to face my abuser/ex wife in court yesterday. Just hearing her walk into the courtroom and seeing her in person brought me so much fear that I actually began to shake. Tears silently rolled down my face. I spent the rest of the day looking over my shoulder making sure that I wasn't being followed by her. We got married when I was still living as a cis-het man. Goddammit, I'm glad that's all behind me now.
" This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years." Cis man here, happened to me as well. Some are capable of this gaslighting while accusing you of gaslighting, as in "it's all about you, but what about..." essentially seeing feedback on your emotional state as weaponizing emotions. even writing this anonymously on the internet gives me jitters, because (similar to the experience of a commenter above) as a man, you're expected to be able to deal with that sort of thing, whether it's mental, verbal, or (in his case) sexual.
“She hit me. Once. ONCE. But it was my fault.” Gave me chills. My ex hit me once, only once she never did it again. So I rationalized it away as a ‘mistake’ and stayed with her for years after that as I watched things get progressively more and more abusive in non-physical ways. And then she dumped me, but when she tried to get back together with me I was lucky enough to gather the courage and turn her down. That was months ago and I have no regrets, I’m seeing someone else and I now know some things watch out for.
Grace Savides Yeah there is quite a stigma around it. But not just men either, women who suffer abuse are also stigmatized in other ways too. I wish as a society, we could be ready to be open and honest with these dialogues so that both victims and abusers could get the help they need. Instead, abusers get off easy and potentially get to do it again, while victims are stuck with permanent traumas that will undoubtedly rear their ugly head in future relationships, and are judged in many, many different ways whenever they try to talk about it.
@@jamesonmaylif8009 You're so right. It's not easy for anyone, man or woman, young or old, to get help. Our society is built around sheltering abusers and distrusting survivors. The more times I tell my story of abuse (or even just open up about my mental health struggles) the more I find that most people have a story to tell. Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them.
@@justanotherweirdo11 lol right, which is why I said it. I think the crux is probably that abuse isn't actually poison, so does abuse help you build an immunity to abuse? Maybe. I mean I can certainly hold my own these days when someone is verbally attacking me. However I'm not sure that it builds an immunity towards the original abuser. It seems like it actually weakens your defenses towards them, which is quite different from what happens with poison. Small amounts of one kind of poison help build an immunity towards that specific kind of poison, not every other type of poison.
“Some of the thoughts you have inside your head aren’t yours.” Jesus. I’ve never considered that. I paused the video to take a moment there. How much of the bullying I do to myself is from mustard seeds sewn from interactions I don’t even remember? From people who wanted me to feel bad about myself? From my own self when I was younger and inexperienced in gauging the world and the people around me? How many seeds like that have I unwittingly planted in others? Thank you for the thoughtful and vulnerable video, and for the notes I’m bringing to therapy this week.
A lot of your mind is made by your experiences and your environment. Those make a lot of your ideas, the ones you like, and the ones you don't. It also comes into art, which is the combination of all your influences. That's why people advocate being with good people because those good people plant good and healthy thoughts into your mind.
In my experience who you truly are is the person you are with no one around, with no social expectations, an example of mine is how i stop and smell flowers, and touch every plant on the walk home.
Learning about intrusive thoughts and how those doesn't necessarily reflect who I actually am really helped me navigate myself better! I remember watching the show "I May Destroy You" and find their way of demonstrating instrusive thoughts very fresh and accurate. It's not the craziest thoughts that hurt the most, it's the little ones that's easily convince you they're yours.
Being "too loving" or having too much of any positive virtue really hit home. I have trauma from having to parent my parents, from having been used as my mother's therapist, support network, and emotional sounding board. It's left me with a difficulty to put up boundaries, especially with authority figures. Sometimes you don't know it's trauma until it's leaking out of you and people see and say "oh shit, are you alright?" And you respond "oh this? It's always been like this, I'm fine," even though, in that moment, you become keenly aware of how different your experiences are from another person's, how you shouldn't have had to deal with that. I struggle accepting that what happened to me was traumatic, even though I've had that moment many times, even though I don't talk about it to others because I think it's too heavy for them. I struggle with ever putting myself first instead of just taking care of others, because if I don't, I become acutely suicidal from spreading myself too thin. Thank you for covering this topic. It means a lot to see the things I struggle with reflected somewhere else. May we both be able to work through our trauma
I have in a way the opposite problem. I've had much greater barriers to authority figures and had to rely too much on my partners, which was quite a strain particularly for those who expected endless power from manhood. It's like: I'm sorry I'm human and that your idea of manhood is brought to you by disney movies.
Wow big same. Same with my mom. It's taken me a long time to really accept and realize that the things that happened to me weren't ok, and it's like a had to relearn everytime that things didn't go the way they were supposed too, as if i kept "forgetting" that i actually have trauma.
I've watched a lot of leftist content and I always understood intellectually what those content warnings were about, but only now for the first time did I experience what it means to be triggered and how deep of an effect it can have. It has taken me hours to recover before I could type out this comment. I've been abused and controlled for 7 years and I kept giving and giving until I was cheated on, lied to, gaslighted, led on and discarded when she no longer saw any possibility of keeping up the charade that I was anything to her other than something to be used. I forgave her and still wanted to be there for her despite all of this. I knew she was hurting and that was why she was doing those things to me. But I realized I was making things worse, I was triggering her behaviors just by being usable and having no self-respect. She was using my compassion against me from the start. I later heard the term "idiot compassion" from a Buddhist monk and I understood immediately what he meant. I tried therapy early on and it wasn't of much help. I think it's because I was not treated like an abuse victim. Maybe it's because I didn't go for long enough, or maybe my psychologist wasn't competent enough. My abuser convinced me that I had a personality disorder and that was what I told my psychologist at the time I was visiting her for. I'm now convinced I need to take the consequences of this abuse more seriously and I'm going to find another therapist and go intensively. A therapist I don't feel pressed to "get my money's worth" out of. I don't want my mental health to be a financial burden, and thankfully, that is an option here that I just found out about. I'm pretty sure I have Complex PTSD now. I'm paralyzed by fear and low self-esteem a lot of the time. I feel for everyone who has gone through this shit. It's a nightmare. Every day I think of her still, one year later. I feel like she owns me. Like she could screw up my life again if she really wanted to. That's because I don't have a strong support system. I need to make sure this never happens again.
I have my own story with trauma that I'm finally beginning to confront in therapy. My therapist suggested a book to me that has honestly, radically changed how I see myself, in all ways, as a victim, as a survivor, and as an individual on a level where trauma cannot touch who I am. The book is called The Body Keeps The Score. It's honestly, beyond phenomenal. Stay strong. You'll find a way to be okay again
In my experience, finding a therapist that specialises in CPTSD makes all the difference! That and EMDR. Good luck, it may not seem like it now, but you can be free from these feelings. Sharing this is such a great step already. ♥︎
I stopped halfway through. When you mentioned destroying that IKEA furniture, I immediately recognized the abuse. I did the same thing with the futon that my ex repeatedly assaulted me on, one that I had had for well over a decade. Him not accepting me saying "no" broke the frame, and I felt somewhat alleviated while destroying it. I didn't recognize why, either, until I met with a counselor at my clinic after having a mental breakdown. I appreciate that this is the first of your videos that I've seen, as my ex was a RUclipsr, too, and whenever I would do work for him, for free, too, or schedule interviews it was never good enough, and the footage would be discarded. I appreciate this so much, and I'm glad you're still around. And "people like Shrek" is going to stick with me
9:03 Autoandrophyllic. It was funny then. It is hilarious now. And, well, Abigail was probably questioning at the time, so the irony is not lost on her :-')
I absolutely love the minimalist style for this video after all the glamour and makeup of the last few Edit: also love how he wears the superman t-shirt while the character denies the truama and abuse. In effect, trying to BE super man,a man of steel. It's only after he sheds the mantle does he begin to open up about the abuse. Excellent attention to detail as always. Everything in the frame is there for a reason, and because of that minimalist aesthetic it gets even more impact
@@lunardogs2416 I guess it's part and parcel with 'things that are very personal and important to me, but controversial to disclose due to social stigma'.
Remember also that a relationship that builds you up doesn't have to be romantic. I have a wonderful friend I met about 3 years ago and she's helped me so much with everything and made me a much better person. I had started to have a suicidal ideation and self harm problem a bit before I'd met her and, even though I'd told about it to anyone only last autumn, she sometimes was the thing that kept me alive. Later on she's helped with my image of myself and when I started writing she, among other friends, really supported me in it. I'd say that's a hell of a lot to accomplish in 3 years and I'm grateful I met her
Omg! Just like the play! No cuts, so you can't get out! I hadn't thought of that, but now I got chills! Thanks for providing me atentive eyes, my friend!
When I told my therapist life was like a movie. I'd seen the trailer and didn't want to go see it. She gave me the best answer ever: "Well, but we're already in the theater."
i grew up in an abusive family. my father was horrible. and i knew it.i knew it wasnt normal. i was ashamed of it. i could not tell any kids my age.(and only can i speak of it ,now) i did tell a teacher when she asked why i had a black eye. she told me i was lying.she said she knew my father and didnt believe me. a few months later , i came home from school and the house looked like someone broke in , and furniture turned over.ect. my mother was gone. i never saw her again. my father became more abusive.and he found a playgirl magazine in my bedroom.and he beat me ,like never before, saying i was not his son. i was 16 years old. i slept the first night on the street behind a shop dumpster. a gym teacher came looking for me. its a small town and everyone knew. months later i had tried to kill myself. i got theropy , i finished school and went to uni and study all i could. im lucky . i didnt grow up bitter. i married a man that is my soulmate. and im happy. so anyone who is going through hell. dont stop now. keep going forward.until you are OUT of it. much love to you.
"You're very good at making people fall in love withyou, but you can't seem to make them happy" is such an awful, shitty thing to say to anyone, and it always seems to be said to the people who already have that anxiety about themselves. Bless you Olly
Me, talking about my anxiety to my therapist: I can't stop worrying about things! If I did, everything would go wrong and I wouldn't be prepared for the inevitable bad things in the future! Therapist: ... When has your anxiety actually accurately predicted a negative outcome? Me: This one time in seventh grade, by friends and I were playing Call of Cthulu...
@@thecatcameback3530 me: well this math test last year... I failed it... This because i think i will fail every math test. and some you will eventually fail
I had no idea that I had been abused for YEARS until I studied to become a relationship counsellor. He never physically abused me but the emotional and mental abuse was constant. I divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 3 years of trying to reconcile. The only wonderful thing to come out of it was my 3 (now adult) kids with whom he has absolutely NO relationship. I have no real lasting effects from it as I never blamed myself for his abuse but I am glad I am now with a wonderful man who not only loves me (for the past 20 years) but loves my kids as well, and I love his as though they were mine. Life is good. 😊
How did I not notice the Superman to Clark Kent transition the first time I watched? This is such an amazing video. Im sorry you or anyone had to go through that.
...that just makes me more sad, to be honest. I can't even relate to Lord Farquaad because while he was hated and had no friends, he had at least some influence. And money.
I feel a lot more like donkey, though - maybe there is an audience laughing about my jokes, but everyone around me is just annoyed and let's me stay around mostly out of "oh well, at least she tries. She's nice. I think. And anyway, we're used to her by now, so why not". I always hoped there'd be my version of the dragon running around, wanting to be strange together, but so far... :-D Til then I just work on better jokes.
I'm currently cracking, suffering from complex PTSD and dealing with a gaslighting parent while trying to sort out my own identity and sexuality in secret... Needless to say my brain doesn't work properly at the moment. I can't put words together very well, my mental illness is hurting my cognitive abilities but..... thank you. That's all I can say right now. Thanks again, Olly. I want to be here.
hey stranger. i don't know your life, but as someone who has dealt with a gaslighting parent (among other things) and got CPTSD out of it, and who had to navigate being closeted during it... you can get out of it. you can get through it. and i have a stash of pdf books about abusive parents and abuse recovery if you feel like you need them.
i have an abusive, gaslighting parent as well. this video hurt me on multiple levels since a lot of the ways that me and my family have been abused by her are things i ended up internalizing/thinking were normal and have used in the past to abuse my own partner. it's taken me years to tear myself out of those cycles, and i'm still not perfect. recovery from an abusive parent is... fucked up, and hard. i'm sorry for what you're going through.
Thank you for sharing. Watch out for yourself. I hope you can get somewhere save soon. I know you didn't ask but if you try to get out of the situation, here are some things I gathered from my flight. If I can tell you something i've learnt from dealing with gaslighting and abuse from parents, it's worth fighting for your mind. I had one truth. That truth was "I will not hate myself" in order to protect that truth I had to go No contact for a few years, which wasn't easy but possible in my situation. If you can, activate any link in your support net. Speak to people when you feel you're "clear". I was dissappointed a lot of times by people but also surprised by unexpected help. If those people are on good terms with your parents or you are afraid of rumors, put your mental health in the foreground and try not to be accusatory about your parents. It is sad but more people are willing to help if they don't have to potentially burn bridges with your abusers. You can come out when you are in a safer space! Try to get a lot of information on what NGOs, other programms are there to possibly support you in your country. In my experience it's better to dial 10 numbers than only 2 who seem right. Even if it's not exactly what you're looking for, there might be people with insider knowledge who can redirect you to the help you need. Please watch out for yourself. I wish you all the power to heal.
I went through a similar situation about 15 years ago, and I'm sorry you're hoping through this. Do your best to keep hanging on to yourself, even if by your fingernails. There is freedom after this. While you're plotting your escape, I give you a mantra from a friend who also survived terrible abuse: The sky is blue. Whatever color people insist the sky is (green, plaid, etc.), the sky is blue. You know the truth. Wishing you luck and a safe escape from your current situation.
"[they] hit me once, *once*" resonates with me every time i watch this. Sure it was 'only' once, but you're never going to forget that once as long as you live. And you're not going to forgot that it was only once and use that against yourself to minimise it sometimes Or to quote Abigail herself, I understand how you feel
The last time my partner hit me, it didn't hurt at all, physically. I called the cops mainly to get a record of what was going on, because I was getting ready to file for divorce. It wasn't until much later that I remembered it wasn't the only time! That first time, back when I was still trying to "save" the relationship, she punched me in the mouth while wearing a gardening glove, leaving an open wound that scabbed over. At the time, it didn't even register. I was too deep in the belief that it was normal, that I deserved it. Anyway, I'd been doing worse to myself for years. Later she bragged about "sucker-punching" me. Even then I thought more about what kind of punch it was than about how I felt. And comparing. Our neighbor was beaten so badly by her partner that she had to go to the hospital. I told myself that my situation didn't matter because it wasn't the same thing at all. I told myself it was different because the power dynamic was reversed. I told myself I was lucky that wasn't happening to me. I was saying to myself "I am invincible. I am a strong man. A woman can't hurt me. I am dangerous and threatening. I don't have to worry about being hurt, only about hurting others." I am learning to let go of the lies...
People liked Shrek
i like shrek (commented before knowing the inevitable metaphor it represents here)
People liked Sonic too BUT WHERE DID THAT GO DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN I TELL YOU YEAH I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THAT SHIT IT'S NOT FUCKIGN FAIR AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK WHAT WE USED TO HAVE IT WAS A THRIVING GROUP AND NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF JADED CYNICS WHO WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING
Shrek 2 was better, though. Also...
I don’t know if I’m ready for another Cosmonaut episode yet. I just discovered this channel a few weeks ago.
commenting on your own video 2 weeks early is a hard flex
Cite your sources
Being on Philosophy Tube is the coolest thing that ever happened to The Fault in Our Stars. -John
you absolute legend
Pish posh, you were on Lindsay Ellis
Now both of you,give me an autograph.
Please collab
My main man John green, I love your history videos on crash course
Olly. I am about to leave my abuser. You have no idea what this video did for me.
Thank you.
Remember you're stronger than you think you are and that you're a beautiful person no matter what anyone says. 💓
You can do it, and we’re all here for you!
You can do this! It will be difficult, but you're not alone. I have faith in you!
I believe in you. You do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Even though I've never met you and I have no idea who you are, you are valuable, no matter what happens.
I hope that things get better for you and you shine brighter every day you spend without your abuser
“Shrek has friends. People liked shrek” literally new life motto wow
At first Shrek pushed Donkey away. You need to open yourself up. The Shrek analogy hits me so deep I'm about to paint myself green
FOR REAL THO
Natalie Rodriguez yeah what’s truly beautiful is that’s the message of the film
That shit hit me hard because someone once said I looked like human shrek lmao
It's funny because that reminds me a lot of "Cake! Everybody likes cake. Cake has layers!"
Theres a quote on trauma i really resonate with personally, i cant remember where i heard it.
"What happened when it was over? Maddeningly, the sun continued to rise each morning"
I've been going crazy trying to find this quote for about an hour now and nothing genuinely the closest I could find online was getting linked back to this video because of the comment. So if i use it I'll quote you haha thanks x
"My suicide attempt wasn't really serious, I wasn't even injured"
Thank you for pointing out how this line of thinking only hurts yourself more.
This hit me hard...it’s exactly how i view my own attempt because I panicked and told someone about it before I tried it and was thus stopped. It’s really brought some perspective and yet I still can’t see it as legitimate. Strange how irrational we can be in the face of rationality
This. My best friend never let me get away with thinking my sitting on my bed with a knife trying to work up the courage to use it wasn't a suicide attempt 'because I never hurt myself' and that saved my life. Suicide attempts don't just 'count' if you were hurt physically.
Yes. It's strange how people want to dismiss that sort of reality.
Xanthelei this is so huge. I’ve never understood it like this. When I stared down the barrel of an unloaded shotgun wondering if I should do it. Wondering if I should go out like Kurt did or if I even had the balls to do it. Before this I would never have counted it as a suicide attempt, but I really should I believe.
You know, it's funny - it's been a long time since I tried to slit my throat but there's still a voice in my mind that says "It wasn't a serious attempt - you didn't even need to go to the hospital. Just a few bandaids and some bloody sheets." It seems even with suicide, no matter, how far you go, it's never good enough sometimes, lol.
"The medium of the play is perfect for this work because it has no cuts"
*makes entire video without a single cut*
Absolutely and that panning shot with the long silence was very cool. Very intelligent use of silence.
@@socialistether6788 silence in sound editing is underrated. I loved it
Nothing gets past you, does it
@@helvete_ingres4717 sorry, I'm probably stating the obvious
@@socialistether6788 **madlad**
I'm a cis man and I had to go through the very awkward experience of reporting to my company that a female coworker had made inappropiate sexual advances. I was met with the response too, that I'm physically stronger than her so it shouldn't be a problem. But my reply was "Are you saying a should have hit her?" Like they don't understand that being physically stronger doesn't mean anything in that context. I don't have anyway to defend myself besides avoiding and telling other people in hopes of getting support. Which can be hard because most people will down-play men reporting sexual harassment.
Pffft they want you to be a man but ignore everything about you being a man.
They want you to be a tyrant without wanting a tyrant.
It was the same at my job where I was assaulted by a woman and people kept putting in details that were simply not true and will not ever acknowledge.
In the end I'm filled with hate and don't care but at the same time care too much.
They dotn care, they'll never really care, I don't really belong no matter what I do and I'll hate myself forever so let me just commit suicide already.
@Nazli Hamouda idk, probably not
@Nazli Hamouda wouldn't have the money for it anyway.
@Nazli Hamouda no US
omg I'm so sorry. I'm still glad you reported her. ❤
"When I told her something she'd done had hurt me, she would explain why she was right instead of apologizing..."
Bro...
big relate
Didnt realise this was abuse until I was out... I'm.still scared of her
I had a friend who pulled that one. Several, actually. They never hit me, but they'd gaslight me into irrational behavior, making me fear isolation if I broke things off with them. I went through this sort of toxicity with no fewer than three different people, and I didn't recognize it for what it was until I was talking to another friend who'd told others, "Expect better." This friend patiently listened as I went through everything that had transpired between me and our mutual friend, and when I finished, opening the floor for comment, the reply was, "Well, I have to believe he can be better."
BRO.
My mom does this. Now she wonders why I don’t tell her anything anymore.
Beautiful video!
We stan an IKEA-smashing giga Chad.
How long until this comment gets at the top.
@@mb-176 like two minutes
Y'all gettin' married yet?
yeet
What a beautiful surprise at the bottom of the comment section 😍
That list of all the excuses why the abuse wasn’t actually abuse hit home hard
Same
Absolutely 100% Also the part about Aristotle and what having "too much compassion" can mean
Same. I hate to see other people go through it but it's reassuring to know there are others that understand
same
Oh my God. I never realized it until this
"in many ways, I'm not the man I was" - indeed
The part when they said 'and I realised wow, I look a lot like my dad'. Urgh that trans feel, my heart broke for Abi retrospectively.
I've struggled so much with seeing my older siblings/parent of my birth assigned gender, god I love them of course but it hurts a ridiculous amount when all I can see in them is my future and the hatred of myself being that gender forever. It's awful to basically have future vision of what I will look like unless I can transition. Unfortunately I can't bc medical reasons. I've got a delightful terminal illness on top of all that (like a few years outlook not like dying in a few months) which adds to the agony of seeing myself in my older sibling which I know I'll never make it to that age. Sorry that got off topic but I do now wonder if Abi was feeling similarly with that line. The trans stuff, not terminally ill lol
@@unknownentity79643 years. Still kicking?
@@bruhfvdf3145 you have no clue how much your comment has affected me! First off - I'm still alive! Heck yeah! I'm on a ventilator 24/7, a ton of my body's systems have shut down and I need a ton of medical intervention to stay alive, but I am alive! Unfortunately transition wise, I'm still in the same place I was 3 years ago, if not actually set back a bit. Due to my deteriorating muscles, I need 24/7 care and I'm stuck in a caregiving situation where my caregivers reject any form of LGBT+ identity, so as in 100% reliant on them to get dressed, do my hair, express outwards self, I'm trapped appearing in ways that they decide is 'appropriate' (I.e. Dressing and looking like a very stereotypical cliché version of my birth gender..). Let alone be called by the correct pronouns etc...
(TW suicide mentions later in this paragraph)
But you 'checking in' on me has meant so much. Even if you're just a stranger who stumbled across this thread and asked if I'm still around, it still has touched me that someone cares if I'm alive or not.
I've bed 'sick'/disabled for a long time (my whole life really) but as my condition progressed, I lost more and more of my outside connections, things like friends and even family. People don't know how to act around someone dying like me, and so they don't even try.
I was thinking recently about how truly no one gives a damn about if I'm still alive or not or would notice f I was dead. Suicide is something I think about a lot but ironically I'm now too disabled to have any ways to commit suicide myself. I have heavy medications I'm on like morphine and benzos but I can't put them down my IV line without a nurse etc, I don't have enough hand function /muscle to even push a syringe lol
Maybe it's stupid for me to care so much, but I dunno, you asking if I'm still alive has emotionally affected me a lot (in a positive way), so thank you.
I'm sorry if this reply is way too heavy and weird, I truly apologise if so
@@unknownentity7964 no problem. I wish you all the best
1:41 "Part of the awful tension is that there's no cuts"
Oh, this video's gonna be one take, isn't it?
megakirbyx it took me about 15 minutes to realize he was going to do it in one take.
That slow turn was worse than every horror movie put together. Talk about tension.
Yeah the moment he started talking about No Exit and how there were no cuts on stage I was thinking "wait thats gonna be the theme, isn't it? He's gonna try and make this video be like No Exit, isn't he?"
I was right now old when I figured it out
Yes bc he couldn't just wrote some ideas down OR make art he had to do both like a knob
“I made an appointment to see a therapist about my abandonment issues. She didn’t show up” is now my favorite not Mitch Hedberg joke
That was a pretty great moment. X'D
😂 Goddamn I miss Mitch, and you're *right*! That joke is 💯% one he'd have LOVED! 😂
I'd say it is a Mitch. He just hadn't thought of it yet.
It is also the single best bit of Grant Morison's Superman.
but it sounds very much like something Hedberg would have said.
Something powerful I heard while I was deep in depression: we only accept the love we think we deserve.
Well. That's a gut punch for me.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Wow. Couldn't be explained better
Perks pulled me out of a really deep depression as a teen. Bless that quote
Not going to lie that's really true
The "pretending to be asleep" one hit me the most, I did it for my stepdad when I was a child and my gf when I got older because both were abusive to me.
I hope you're well now
It’s crazy how a goodnight kiss can feel like the most terrifying moment of your day. A gesture that is thought of as a act of gentleness or care can feel insincere, dishonest and violating.
Can we just appreciate the genius of successfully filming this in one shot, true to the One-Act structure of 'No Exit'?
Oh my god I didn’t even think of that. What a legend
I will up the ante and deeply appreciate you having spotted it. And yes, it is exceptionally difficult a thing to do even with unscripted videos that do not require perfection. I have pulled it off maybe twice. When they are scripted and you must refilm them repeatedly because you lose it two sentences from the finishing of a forty minute clip.. that day makes for a terrible week. At the very least you can count on me to be extremely appreciative of every move this man makes.
To be clear, wherever I say that I had been so determined in the case of such videos because I was honor bound to a strict one-shot policy what I mean is that I am still very new to all of this and at the time I had not realized that I could edit videos.
On a slightly unrelated note, I thought I was having a stroke when he said the play is called "No Exit" cause I know it as "Behind Closed Doors" but I couldn't remember that either for a moment there, so I was like "no, I know this is not the right title, but what IS the right title, what is happening right now, is this real life" etc.
The French title "Huis clos" is legalese, the English equivalent of which is "In camera", but "Behind closed doors" is an accurate colloquial translation. I'd never heard of it as "No Exit" before (though apparently all three alternatives have been used at one time or another)!
Also the camera is mirrored
"i broke up with my girlfriend and then suddenly i could create again" absolutely knocked me out. i know exactly what you mean. i was anorexic, i broke up with my partner and then suddenly i could eat again. i could make art again. i could feel emotion again. thank you so very much for this video
Damn I wish my eating disorder was like that. It took tons of medication to be able to not starve myself
so i'm basically bernadetta yeah i needed (and honestly still need) a ton of time and therapy to recover from my ED. ending my relationship was just the thing that suddenly took recovery from being utterly unfathomable to being something i could start working towards. hope you’re doing better lately too, EDs are horrible things to experience
@@Draggynali right back at you man, cheers to a better future for both of us 🤙
After my relationship, I went from a 3.2 in college, to a 4.0. I realized I want to be a doctor (instead of a pharmacist or SLP). I want to fight, I'm tired of complacency, and I had been in that rut for a long time when I was using all my resources to make someone else happy.
You are so perfect, I hope that your doing better now.
"trauma isn’t always like a lightning bolt where you know that you’ve been hit.
sometimes trauma is like poison that someone slips into your food in little doses
and you sit down every night
and you eat that poison
and you don’t realise it’s building up inside you, until suddenly you stop functioning."
That really hit home for me too.
Yep.
Marriage #1. Long gone but not forgotten
I was reading this comment right when that part came up
This video meant a lot to me. You are a beautiful human being. Thank you for surviving and sharing.
"That's just a joke for my trans audience" and a wink lmao watching this after her coming out video is awesome
Omg YES she seemed so happy doing that!
I noticed that to!
When she came out I was worried she might get ride if her other videos and I had to download them. But I’m SO HAPPY she isn’t and we might be able to find “easter eggs” in the too like the wink in this one. ❤️🏳️🌈
I knowwwwww I loved it now I’m rewatching all her past videos and smiling every time I see a little hint Hahahahahahah
As a newcomer to this channel, this is actually the only video of hers I saw _before_ the coming out video. I appreciated that part too, though in a different way at the time, since I saw "A Trans Coming Out Story" on the recommended-video sidebar, but didn't know exactly what it was about yet (I had to watch it to confirm that it was HER coming out story, not a signal boost of someone else's)
it felt like when a singer hits a high note perfectly
I'm a woman who was abused by a woman. a cuter, younger, smaller woman who wore pink and glitter and fuzzy things. a woman with a considerable following for her cute art. no-one believed how bad the situation could be. your video and your story describe my emotions and the aftermath I will deal with for years to come perfectly. I didn't think I was getting abused, I just wasn't allowed to contact my friends, talk to anyone without her supervision, go anywhere without her, exercise, etc. my mental illness existing was violence towards her.
I now have a girlfriend who knows everything and understands. I am more than lucky to have met her, not everyone would take it so cool. what hurts the most are the people who don't understand how deeply this can affect ones life. quite permanently.
I feel better hearing other peoples feelings and thoughts and experiences, it makes me feel less alone.
Kuekuekuri I can absolutely emphatize with you. I've been in a similar relationship when I was only 14, she was older. It was a long distance relationship that lasted 2 years and even now, 6 years later, it's hard to convince myself I let her abuse me. But I know it happened and I recognize my streght, so I applaud you because you got out of it as well.
(pardon my English, it's not my native language)
Kuekuekuri much like you I went through a situation rather similar, she would tell people she was a fragile, sensitive former abuse victim and while those could’ve been true (no one could ever verify those claims) she would undermine me, insult my appearance and stick her talons into my fears and worries until she had all the fun she could and left me for someone she had been cheating on me with, now granted, she was also cheating on him with a third party so I suppose there’s some natural spiteful silver lining there, though still. Abusers can be anyone
Holy shit, minus the big following, your abuser sounds identical to mine. She constantly pressured me into being the “stone butch” she wanted, and made me feel like I was abusive for not doing that and not being dominant and for not just “leaving” my emotionally abusive parents. It’s wild how abusers will turn the symptoms of their abuse into “abuse” against them. Make you doubt your own pain. Make you feel *guilty* for having psychological and physical symptoms of what they did to you.
Kuekuekuri holy shit i had the same thing. My gf pressured me into identifying as lesbian even though i wanted to remain true to my identiy as pansexual even if i was in a wlw relationship. She also isolated me from my friends, demanded constant attention and always wanted me to be a hard butch, which i wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t want to tell anyone how bad it partially got bc i felt it would be traitorous in some way. She ended it about a month ago because i was at an event and couldn’t call her when she wanted to talk. i’m so glad yall got out
Me too ! I need to write my story but type ing 😂
“If I’d been traumatised, I’d know it”
That cut me right to the very core
Very true. It is so often that we don't recognize our own traumas, especially as a male. It took therapy to recognize mine.
me too
oh fuck, soon's I read other survivors, I was like fuuck. I wasn't just the only one havin nightmares regularly for months, and I wasn't the only one on and on as I could go on but I can't cuz I'm boutta go to sleep.
Not the first time I hope.
Being cut is traumatizing
Remember kids, drink water after sobbing your eyes out
That was one of the best things one of my friends told me when I would call crying they actually cared about my well-being and it ment so much!
aw
thank you
yup! as someone who’s gotten dehydration headaches from crying too much, PLEASE drink water after crying. it also is soothing to your brain (i don’t remember why).
Logan Lyric such a curious way to dehydrate yourself ..
Along with 9:03, I feel like when she described her feeling “big”, “oafish”, and like “shrek”, along with the trauma, it could also point to gender dysphoria in a way. I’m not trans in any way, but it was just something I’ve noticed. anyways glad that she’s happier now.
yeah also she blinked and said "this is a joke for my trans audience"
Yeah, the shrek line hits different now.
The whole video hits different with the new context, really.
I definitely feel that was a trans girl
I'm under the feeling many cis men feel that way.
@@AlbertBalbastreMorte well I mean I’m not the expert on trans-fems bc I’m not one, but it was just my interpretation, but I could be completely wrong.
"In an abusive relationship, your virtues get turned against you:
'Don't you want to be patient? And forgiving?'
'Isn't it good to listen?'
'Don't you want to provide for your girl?'
'Don't you want to be faithful?'
'If you love someone, you don't give up on them.'
In an ordinary relationship, those virtues will shine. With an abuser, you will die waiting for them to be reciprocated."
Fucking hell, I'm sobbing. This was my life for 2017/18.
2016. Bitch of a year.
@Bumblesnuff buffallobath same here. You deserve better. I'm proud that you didn't have 2019 on that list.
Yeah, that’s why we need to decide what the limit of being “good” is and stick to it to protect ourselves. Even the most admirable virtues become vices past a certain point. Can’t be “too” good.
Believing one is a “saint” or TOO open minded, TOO understanding IS exactly what the abuser is counting on. No boundaries is abusers’ heaven.
Same... 08-12, and it took me another 7 years as a recluse before confronting it. I'm glad to have made it here now, anyone who is just now working on recovering, stay strong, there is a 'real you' somewhere inside there.
Jake,
It’s ok, Biden will make it better
“You’re very good at making people fall in love with you, but you just can’t seem to make them happy”
I’m sobbing.
Same.
It's a truly shitty thing to tell someone.
Same
I'm good at neither, if that is any use.
@@Donnerbalken28 A wise person on the internet once told me, "Somewhere someone is pleasuring themselves while thinking about you."
It's *terrifying*.
The sudden transition into the Jordan Peterson accent had me wheezing
That distant laughter made it
I was listening to it in the background while cleaning up at work, and I thought it was a Jordan Peterson cameo lol
Skeeeered me! LOL
Wait... he wasn't doing kermit the frog? :O
Someone needs to consensually give this poor woman a hug. She’s been through too much shit. I hope you’re going better now Abigail. I love your channel.
Nah most of the people who complain about abuse are completely oversensitive and ill-equipped to deal with anything in the world.
@@neo-filthyfrank1347 lrg lighting image
@@neo-filthyfrank1347 That is something an abuser would say :v
@@anapaulamendozadiaz8890 Victim mentality creates its own form.
@@neo-filthyfrank1347 As your lawyer I would like to encourage you to keep posting these things in public forums. It will do wonders for your defense.
*Oliver:* [painful diatribe with a truckload of self hate on the side]
*Me, relating to a startling degree:* [about to burst into tears]
*Oliver:* And she said, [cheerful Australian accent] "Do you think that's a bit harsh?"
*Me:* [crying laughing]
I love you!
Lauging in crying
OMG yeah me too.
Accurate.
I like how this video is purposefully shot in one long take in an enclosed space, just like the play No Exit.
bloody hell you're right
in which my favorite scene in which Garcon deserves to be in hell and really is a coward.
But there are mirrors, right?
Claustrophobic
I caught that too. It's fantastic.
I watched this video and a few minutes later, my abusive soon-to-be-ex-wife sent me a message. I read it, thought about it for a second, then blocked her. Then I retweeted your video with my own story, finally telling the world what had happened to me: a decade-long tale of alcoholism, gaslighting and harassment. You're a hero. Thank you so much for everything you do and remember - I understand how you feel.
Good luck, stay strong and try to be with people you trust as much as possible. Lots of love from an unknown person
@@Tijggie82 Thank you so much, unknown person. I wish you health and happiness!
What's important is you find your center--be that place you want to be.
Having been through a divorce with an abusive ex-wife (this video really exposed it all for me), I can tell you that distance is your friend.
Good luck. We're all counting on you!
I had this very un-Kiwi impulse to woot (Kiwis do not woot, wooting is a strange concept to us) very loudly when I read your comment. Stoked for you my dude, good luck in your future ventures!
I'm proud of you for doing what yoy had to to feel safe. Keep your head up.
--someone who's been there
16yrs with my ex. I'm male, bigger, stronger etc but I had the emotional vulnerability to be hooked in. Physical, emotional, psychological abuse and plenty more. 16yrs. I can't ever quantify what this costed me and what I lost. Thanks. I've seen plenty of abuse videos but this is by far the most real about my own experience. It matters.
Man to man, I hope you are doing well, friend ❤
This gave the courage to finally block my abusive ex.
Thank you.
Hell yeah, friend !
Good for you! 😊👍 Hope you'll recover well from the abuse
So proud of you!
Fuck yes!!! I'm so proud of you!
The change from Superman t-shirt to Clark Kent attire is an amazing detail. What a channel.
I just realized if Olly had chosen any song other than the ending one, "Superman (It's Not Easy)" would kind of be perfect to use.
I only noticed that subtle detail on a second viewing
he parted his hair the other way too
Smallville tv series?
The video was also mirrored when in the superman t shirt
>not gonna use any identifying details
>instantly names Jean Paul Satre
Wtf Ollie
Famous RUclipsr Oliver Thorn(e?) Doxxes Obscure Philosopher
Lunar Dogs I’m sorry did you call jean Paul Sartre an obscure philosopher.
@@nilsonrodriguez7135 wooooooooooooosh
Only the living require protection, the dead are beyond the reach of worldly harm...
Outing the Sartre!
"Wow. I look a lot like my dad." seems a lot more intense to experience with recent context
What does that mean ,can you explain?
@@rini9325 check out her newer videos, that should make it clear
@@rini9325a trans woman starting at their reflection in a tv and thinking they look like their dad would obviously be pretty distressing
The comment your Mom made: “I cant imagine you being scared of anything” brought tears to my eyes. And Im not sure why
Sometimes when you don't expect that certain people can be suffering in specific ways (for your own mind because you have those issues and you don't want other people that you like to as well or don't want people to live like that at all) it just hits you that anyone can be depressed, be in an abusive relationship, or have trauma/mental health issues in general.
Me too...
Emma Kane. Yeah it's really unexpected that an obvious narcissist could have self esteem issues, who would have thought? Coincidentally, I'm a Nigerian prince whose assets were impounded by customs. Could you loan me the $10000,- customs fees? I will pay you back a hundredfold. I'm sure your excellent judgement of character will tell you I'm truthful in this and surely not ridiculing you.
@@emmakane6848 None of us are invincible. We're all human. We laugh, cry, bleed and die. Nothing wrong with asking for assistance.
@@seavpal I'm not sure whether you are saying his mother was a narcissist and that is why she couldn't see it, he is a narcissist and is faking it to get donations or that his ex-partner is a narcissist and they are also the product of abuse so we should have sympathy???
If it's the first point, we don't know his mother, so cannot make that judgement, and as an intelligent and highly motivate person he is likely extremely good at hiding his emotions and continuing to function, even from those who know him well.
If it's the second point, if you had experienced what he describes and have even a shred of empathy you would realise he is not lying. Is he using a bad situation to his own advantage, possibly, is he doing a lot of good at the same time, definitely. If you are accusing him of being a narcissist I would suggest that you are projecting your own past trauma onto him, he isn't.
If it's the third point, yes narcissists are the product of their own abusive upbringing, they are hurt and damaged people too. However, that doesn't negate the pain and suffering they cause to those around them. And as adults they have the option to deal with their problems and don't (maybe they can't), they may have been hurt but they have the choice to deal with that and stop hurting others and they chose differently. So yes they deserve our compassion but from a distance, a very great distance.
I'm a mom to a 19 yo. He introduced me to your channel. You give me hope for the future of his world. And I'm so glad he found you to model what it means to be human in this oft-forsaken world. Thank you for being there for him in ways that I cannot.
Wholesome!
Don't count on it Ma'am.
I hope Olly reads this.
Omg ma'am you should watch *Contrapoints* as well, such hope for the world
Why do people think the world is forsaken? and by whom?
So. This will likely be drowned in the sea of comments, but... thank you. I'm a survivor of abuse, first by my father, then by my first wife. I won't go into details, but... just... thank you. As awful as surviving it is, knowing that I'm not alone... it helps.
May you find contentment where you can with what is available.
Congrats on the work you've put into surviving so far
Know that you did not deserve the abuse you faced and better, more loving times are ahead
@@marias-i3333 thanks. I really appreciated the line, "... it's more like rehearsing a play until its performance is natural and unconscious..." it's so true.
@@beylethdirons2160 I feel that too. It took so long of stopping my selfloathing trains of thought with positive affirmations to learn how to be nice to myself
I try to keep in mind that everytime I practice self-compassion and other good habits, I'm getting better at it :)
Same. We are not alone? 😶
THE THING ABOUT FEELING LIKE SHREK IS THE MOST BLATANT EGG STATEMENT ABIGAIL HAS EVER PUT TO VIDEO
We stan a Shrek girl ✨
unironic question: what is an "egg statement"?
@@Karishma_Unspecified an "egg" is a trans person before realizing they are trans. An egg statement would be a statement an egg would make. :)
I cried when I heard that a year ago because I felt it so much, and a few days ago I started hormones
@@be4ns Congratulations on starting hormones!
"If you have trauma, if you have been abused, I've only got one thing to say to you: I understand how you feel."
So, here I sit, almost 5 months after this video was posted, and who knows how long after it was recorded, shaking and crying in my little office at work -- an office I have because of the severe anxiety I feel from having co-workers and superiors approach me from behind in an open office environment -- because I simply did not know how badly I needed to hear those words. From someone. From anyone. Even from some stranger 4600 km away. It's been six and a half years since my abusive relationship ended, and this is the first time that I've heard those words, and I don't have the words of my own to actually express what it means to hear them.
Thank you. From the deepest, most central reaches of my self: Thank you.
Yes, every time I watch this video I tear up when I hear Ollie say "I understand how you feel." I suppose I haven't had enough people in my life who do understand, but his experience and the emotions he shows in this video show me that although no one can 100% understand another person's experiences, he understands enough to make me feel not so alone. Also, just so you know another person understands how you feel at least somewhat, I have had severe anxiety about people being behind me since I was 13 (37 now) after an incident with my abusive brother. It can make being around other people practically impossible. I empathize with what you have had to deal with and hope you are able to turn it into something that can help you and others!
All the strength to you. I began to realize in the last two years the abuse I suffered in a relationship I was in over 10 years ago. For so long I thought it was my fault it didn’t work out but have started to come to grips with the deep deep hurt and abuse that was inflicted on me and that spread out on so many aspect of my life - particularly trust. I just watched this for the first time and the capital T truth came flooding at me and for the first time I’ve had to acknowledge the help I need. I hope you have reached a similar place, that we can’t do this on our own. Again - all strength, support, and love your way.
@________ don't be a troll
@________ do you need a hug???? who hurt you????
I hope you are doing all right :)
Cheers from a random Internet stranger.
Another comparison between you and Shrek: Shrek helped someone stop hating themselves and learn to accept themselves for who they were, and ultimately, helped them be happy
Oh my god crying
"Of cis men in particular who are often encouraged to be independent and strong becoming dependant on their female partners when all they really need is friends or a therapist"
Say it louder for the people in the back!
Same for trans men too
big sigh
@@NaomiCalls oh, definetly
@@NaomiCalls Eh, I'd argue with trans men there's less of a problem with society pressuring them into a certain form of masculinity and more outright denial of their gender identity in and of itself.
Another Vocalist That’s possible because not a lot of people take their identity srsly. But they’re still men nonetheless.
That comment about smashing the Ikea wardrobe being masculine always struck me as odd. Like, why note that of all things?
In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense.
"People liked Shrek" is a brilliant response to Body dismorphic disorder thoughts. So thank you for that.
And thank you for sharing this part of your life. It will help a lot of people.
Umm... But like, diegetic people in the fiction or transcendental audience I have to ask, before I continue.
@@marekwygnany924 In the movie he had friends
@@marekwygnany924 Shrek was always accepted by the normal people. Who didn't accept him were the noblemen and women, and the fairy godmother (not normal people at all).
What's clearly shown by peasants comming for him with pitchforks and torches. That's how i go for my boardgame night :)
That feeling that you're too big, too heavy, that nothing fits right, that your body feels awkward and uncomfortable, and the hyper awareness of every movement ...I get that. The last time I felt this way was over a decade ago, and I don't know why I feel it now, but I really, really appreciate that I'm not the only one. I didn't start off watching this expecting to find that, but then again, Ollie has a remarkable habit of putting in to words things I push aside. A true philosopher.
it wasn’t until 6 minutes in that i realized he was speaking at length, clearly, and emphatically in ONE TAKE. the theater background really shines here because it makes the presentation that much more raw. solid soliloquy
"It's really suited to the stage, because it's only one act. It wouldn't really work if it was a film because part of the awful tension is that there's not cuts, no edits . . ."
He said, knowing full well he was also describing his own video.
combogalis ooof, didn’t catch that myself but you nailed it
The part where Abigail said, “A lot of people can probably relate to what Fanon was talking about” hit differently now that she came out as trans. It feels weird to realize that she now has a bunch of parts in her videos where she talks about trans people in third person, like she isn’t one of them.
And when she uses “us” to refer to cis men
I've seen quite a lot of discussion about how those things can be reactions to gender dysphoria - in the later stages just before the egg's about to crack, a lot of trans people (but obviously not all) may double down with one last try at fitting the gender role that matches their birth assignment
At the time, she wasn't. This was way before she even realized, so of course Abby wouldn't?
@@oogleboogle8160 I’m pretty sure she had already began her transition at this point
He is a man
Wow, this was all in one take? That theater experience coming through very strongly here!
@@JimboCrackers Okay two takes but that's pretty impressive too
“People liked Shrek” is my new motto whenever I’m having body issues
People LOVE Shrek! We still do!
Exactly, we love Shrek!
I 💗 Shrek
i got body issues, im developing a beer belly. but it is the honourable way
@@LukeTEvans tangent here but who's that on your pfp?
"If I had trauma I would know about it" - probably never said by anyone without trauma
ME: *enters chat*
Hi :D
@@luvBREASTICLES hello me, how are you doing
Literally just discovered my trauma a few days ago with a counsellor and my reaction was the pikachu shocked face
@@deanst98 Congrats on figuring it out, I hope you continue working through it
Hahahaha it's me
Wow. I was actually triggered. I didn't expect this to be about trauma from the male (as presented) perspective. I remember one night my ex wife and I went to a bar with friends. End if the night, she gets drunk and punches me in the face in the parking lot. I looked up and so my friends watching. They were in shock. Then they turned around, pretending they didn't see it. They were trying to protect my "pride." If I hit her, they would have been all over me. But I'm a man. And "it's okay to hit men." Right?
I hope you're fine now
No, it wouldn't be fine. But if I were your friend, I would have been overwhelmed with the situation. I would have tried to talk to you afterwards, as I wouldn't know how to deal with it in that situation.
What would have been your wish your friends should have acted like?
Your abuse may not be reversible, but maybe you can help me to act better? If you want to.
@@radschele1815 Good on you for wanting to be a better friend. Before I answer, a word of caution. Anything I say is specifically about me, what I believe I needed in that moment and how I would handle now. What I need or what I would do may not be what YOUR friends need. As long as that is clear.
Honestly, what you said would be perfect. My friends didn't talk to me about it afterwards. They pretended to didn't happen. Chalk that up to toxic masculinity. I wouldn't blame you for freezing in that moment. Talking to me afterwards, LISTENING, would have helped a great deal.
I believe the best thing you can do when you have friend who is being abused is to show them what true love and friendship looks like. You can do this by simply being a good friend who is willing to listen and be there when they hit bottom.
Even though many friends and family told me she was toxic and I need out, I wasn't resdy to listen. It's a different situation when a man is the victim of a woman. I, myself, had to get over my own toxic masculinity and realize that this was not normal or okay.
I eventually cam around because of my mother. Without judgment and without giving her own opinions, she made one powerful statement, "If you are okay with this being your life for another 30 to 40 years, then stay with her. If not, then you have a choice to make."
Her statement reminded me that I not only have the power to leave the situation, but that I also had the support to endure the fallout. Which made leaving less scary.
Now, as to whether or not my friends should have taken action, I don't know. I don't think it would have ended well if they did. Abusers have a way of brainwashing their victims. Even if we know our friends are right, comma our abusive partners are so inside of our heads, that we would defend them to the bitter end. So it's probably better that they didn't intervene. But I would have liked it if they followed up.
I try to give you a very thorough answer because I believe this is a very delicate matter. It's different for everyone in every situation. Thank you for choosing to be a good friend.
@@richardthemagician8991 I know it wasnt directed to me, but I really appreciated the answer. thank you for sharing your experience so more people are aware of how toxic masculinity affects these already-complex issues. I hope you find peace, if you haven't already.
@@richardthemagician8991 Hey, I'm not the person who you responded to, but that's a really, really good response. Thank you for taking your time to write that out, it's genuinely really good thought food and I... feel better? enriched? for having read it.
Thank you, and I hope you're doing well now with friends who truly care about you.
P.s. I don't know how to express this in professional or normal lingo, but, for lack of a better word, you are so based. Like, that entire reply and the way you spoke just hit home and REALLY mattered. Thank you for that, absolute mad lad
Quite frankly.
This man is the personification of healthy masculinity. I adore his work a lot.
And unhealthy masculinity too though. That's such a big part of what happened here. Too much compassion, too much patience, too much altruism; that feeling of strength, and invulnerability, of personal responsibility for everything that happens around us, never the victim; being too aloof to have friends, and too detached to be in touch with his emotional well-being.
@conan263 ok npc
Where can i find same non-toxic femininity 🤔
@conan263 ok neckbeard
@@rainbo32 they're no studies on toxic feminity
Holy shit.. hearing the symptoms of your relationship really makes me realize how I need to change the way I treat those I love.
Prop to you for noticing and not denying. That's the first step, and it indicates that you can change! But get some help, you probably have a lot of work to do
It is incredibly admirable that your response to hearing something like this was to become better. Mad props.
Oh god please do. It's not easy i guess but as someone who has grown up with abusive people and finding myself in abusive friendships as well i would be thankful if someone is trying to change their behaviour.
I was traumatized, and one of the hardest parts is sometimes you carry the worldview/behaviours of the people who hurt you. No bad behavior is an island. It's good that you recognize your mistakes, it will be how you stop the horrible cycle from continuing.
"In an abusive relationship, those virtues will be turned against you."
That's definitely true, I've seen it in action.
great username ;)
God this resonates.
This resonated with me the most.
Have you seen the yellow sign?
I really only realised my relationship was abusive afterwards sadly, this is very true
As a male presenting person who has lived through sexual, verbal, and physical abuse I cannot express how grateful I am for this video. Abigail, you're really helping me work through a lot of issues (alongside therapy and medication.) I really identify with comedy as a coping mechanism. When you described the therapist not showing and the breakup alongside abandonment issues while still seeing it as objectively funny hit me right in the gut. Keep up the magnificent work. Forgive an American for very improper emotional showing but love and support to you from across the pond.
As I watched this video, I kept thinking, "This is so well-made and amazingly rehearsed. He's doing it all with no cuts and pretty much one take, and his script sounds so naturally flowing; I can tell he put a lot of practice into it." And then he said, "[Recovering from trauma is] more like rehearsing a play-- you have to keep going over it and over it until it becomes unconscious and natural." And that kind of blew my mind. Not to mention making the whole setting feel like No Exit with the small room and no jump cuts..... This is incredible and I am touched by both your story and by how much heart you put into this video.
watch the closing credits with the subtitles on, he's got some notes about all that in there
@@dwc1964 Thanks for letting me know. I didn't know he superman'd during the camera swivel; it really was all one take. Mindblowing.
god i dont know how you have the courage to be this vulnerable publicly like this its inspiring love u ollie
@Carlos Saraiva Yes but RUclips viewers aren't.
A team of people probably gave him a script.
@Carlos Saraiva Whether you wish to accept it or not, it takes a good amount of courage to share your personal, emotional, dark events of your life with hundreds of thousands of people, not once, but indefinitely.
@@milesfurther4395 wtf?
@Carlos Saraiva feedback is not constrained to youtube and olly makes himself available for contact via other means. ignoring only goes so far. if you're online, you can't ignore online. signed, online has been my job for over a decade.
I gotta say, the best mechanism I have gotten from this video is that when I go on a terrible rant about how awful a person I am inside my head, I hear a nice Aussie woman's voice saying "Don't you think that's a little harsh?" So thanks for that, it's really useful!
That’s a good takeaway
That's so sweet
@PUNMPKIN Perfect. So it shall be. Everyone, take a little time to thank the Charlotte in your head.
@@sasharemington6025 hilariously enough, the person who gave me my trauma in the first place is called Charlotte so i shall be naming mine something else lmao. maybe Evie? joking aside this is a very good takeaway and i will definitely be adopting this coping mechanism
@@finley7906 How about...Jodie?
"Sooner or later you're going to finish Attack on Titan season 3, and you're gonna look at your reflection in the laptop screen and think, 'Wow, I look a lot like my Dad.'"
I have never been so offended by something so completely true.
😂
I was in an emotionally, mentally, and, in the end, physically abusive with a woman for six years. I'm 6'2, 275 lbs, bearded biker dude. My friends had no idea, and luckily were very supportive after we split up. It wasn't the first, or even the second time, I was in an abusive relationship. I make it a point to talk about my experiences with anyone, but particularly other men, who I see going through similar things because I believe there is value in me sharing my perspective and telling people that there is solidarity to be found. Talk on, comrade.
thejokerl1ves You are the real men’s rights activist. I’m sorry scumbags stole it from you. You are brave and I am so happy you do this.
@@HerneHunter While there's nothing wrong with honest self reflection, there's however something is very wrong with encouraging abuse survivors to balme themselves. Again, why can't he blame his Exs aka not all women? There're abusive men so do you really think us, women, can't be assholes too? I 'm surprised that you can be so insensitive after watching the video or maybe you didn't at all, and chose to stuck with that toxic mindset instead.
@@justalostlocal The person you are responding to could be an incel impersonating a woman, you know acting like one of their stereotype.
@@Lrripper Never thought of that before. Well, they do have too much time to waste -_-
@@justalostlocal litterally I got banned from r/askreddit for telling people to look up a top commentor post history, as he was telling a story about a supposed abusive ex wife that he had to meet at a restaurant in a front page post.
His name was something like I rape c**ts but scrambled so I went and check his profile and the dude was posting on r/braincels, and had recent post about "land whales".
Not the first time I have seen a far right concerned troll on reddit.
T_D users do that too by faking bad interactions with migrants or lgbt people.
Holy shit.
What an excellent aid to communicating abusive relationships to the public. This is an important video.
My first attempt also wasn't a "serious attempt." Never even hurt myself, just stood at a bridge and stared for an hour. Knowing that other people doubt the "seriousness" of their attempt(s) is...comforting? Knowing someone as amazing and cool as you has lots of similar doubts, traumas, etc to me. Thank you for existing, you're existence matters :)
🙌🙌definetly true. after my first *"serious"* attempt, i realized that there's been so many attempts before that, just that i wrote it off as just being a bit sad, but really i had tried to die. it doesn't need to be life threatening
I went through my boyfriend's cabinets while he wasn't there, looking for enough pills to never wake up again. Didn't count it as an "attempt" because I didn't find his prescription meds (which, I found out years later, he had cleverly locked in the trunk of his car).
July 4, 2016. Independence Day. The day I realized that I had been mentally colonized, and decided to finally get help.
@@dannyschiffer I just realised reading your comment that yeah that time when I sat alone in darkness embracing a knife trying to find the courage to plunge it in me... that was an attempt. And several others too before the "serious" ones. I never thought about that in this way. It's been with me for three decades.. I often wish I just wouldn't wake up the next day.. but I always do.
I just quit taking care of my self, with eating, sleeping but also crossing streets or train crossings. The most passive "attempt" ever so i never counted it. I thougth i was free of it but afther my boyfriend dumped me it was back for a while (and i didn't even want him back). It's been in and out ever since
I put a loaded rifle under my chin and still manage to convince myself that it was out of curiosity
Holy shit.
Just
I came out as trans about two months ago.
I found your channel a week ago.
You really do so fucking accurately tell me my own thoughts and feelings better than I can understand them or explain them.
So very many similar life experiences and thoughts.
I don't have any trans people in my life, or anyone who I know who understands what I feel and it just makes me so happy to know I'm really not alone.
And you're a boy
Same, girl, same..
You'll never truly be alone 🫶
Speaking of trauma being hilarious sometimes, one time the Suicide Hotline hung up on me. Literally, I called the suicide hotline, the guy on the other line seemed to be in a bad mood and answered with "what do you want?" and I was having a massive panic attack, as one who calls the suicide hotline sometimes does, and he just sighed and hung. Up. On. Me. Looking back now, that's really fucking funny. But whenever I tell people that story they never laugh! They just look horrified and uncomfortable!
Wow! That sounds totally absurd. Straight out of a dark comedy! My hilarious moment was with my mom. She was very abusive in many ways, but this time, she was threatening to beat me. I snapped and told her I'd kick and punch her if she touched me. And then she looked at my all HORRIFIED, going "I can't believe you'd beat your own mother!".
@@TheEmeraldLady It's moments like that that I can look back on now and think "this is definitely going in my stand up bit" if i ever do stand up
That happened to me too, actually. I was crying so hard I couldn't manage to get words out to actually talk to the person and they hung up instead of... Trying to talk to the person who was obviously not feeling or doing OK.
@@opalescent4694 That's so weird. Why would someone like that do that sort of work??
@@atlroxmysox98 That really is the biggest question. I don't get it either.
I... didn’t realize I had been in an abusive relationship until you told your story.
Sincerely, thank you. I’ve got some stuff to work through now, but at least I’ve got a place to start.
Careful friend, double check this isn't psychological projection before acting upon it.
Learning about a symptom can cause you to experience the symptom. It's common in psychology.
@@arcarsenal1380 I don't know that this level of skepticism is healthy. If it is projection, it's relatively harmless. If it's not, you're adding fuel to the flames of their self doubt, which is highly harmful in this scenario.
@@yuirick I agree
People who suspect they have been abused should see someone and not diagnose themselves. However, while they are waiting to see someone it's prudent to remove themselves from the situation if they can.
Recognizing it and accepting it as truth is step one to a better future..
Reminder that no one has to hit you for it to be full blown abuse. His experience would’ve been abusive with or without that detail. Sending all the love to anyone who’s going through it or anyone who’s already made it on the other side, I’m proud of you.
I heard something useful recently, that if you have to change yourself to be someone else for your partner for fear that they won't grant you the space, freedom, and security to live as your full authentic self, that's emotional abuse. If you live in fear of your partner, even if they have never hit you, then you are likely in an abusive relationship.
@@brennam954 yeah but what if thats all in your head? I would rather say that if u feel like you have to change for your partner, you have to address that and talk to them. If they start gaslighting you or don’t acknowledge those feelings, then they arent really the best of partners. I have in the past had issues, where people said they had to change for me, eventhough i didnt even care about the behaviours they apparently changed, in romantic and platonic relathionships. Communication is key!
@@babymammuth5074 why have so many people said the same thing to you then?
@@brennam954 welp im 20 so i guess i had to learn a few things about communication first. And pls dont think i dont know i was part of the problem. But theres always two sides.
A line prior was the real twist of the knife for me, when they admitted Suicidal Thoughts and was told:
"Without consideration to how she would feel...."
It was the same moment in my life when I realized the non-physically abusive relationship I was in was extremely toxic. I won't go into details but it shocked me greatly to hear similar words from my now ex. One would think the very first consideration in such a situation would be towards the soul suffering to the point of suicide... even then, it is all about them.
Irony, in my case:
I wasn't following through because of a defense mechanism I have, thinking on those who care about me for whatever messed up reason. My ex had to start a fight in order to find out he details of my thoughts, instead of accepting a request for some space, because I didn't want to leave them feeling as if it was their fault when it was a 'me' issue. At least I can say one thing good about that night - I started the divorce process the next day.
Abigail, as a therapist who deals with abuse on the regular, I want to offer my compassion for what you've gone through as well as respect for the way you've absolutely nailed what abuse IS and how therapy works to help people manage it. Many thanks.
“I’m not a punching bag.”
“What if what I need is a punching bag?”
That was the moment I should’ve realized.
That sounds just awful. I hope you got away from them.
I've learned not to like the word "should". You _did_ realize and that's what's important.
"Then buy yourself a gym membership and get out of my life."
Vicarious cathartic snarking aside, I am so sorry you went through that shit. I hope you're safe from them now.
@@helloofthebeach abusers also make it very difficult to realize, so it's never, ever your fault when you didn't realize sooner. "I should have realized" is a very sneaky way of blaming yourself for things others did to you.
Translation: what or whoever you are, I NEED to punch you
21:10 "When I get down to that kernel of truth, it's just, 'You're worthless and your needs mean nothing.'"
Oh. Oh god, that hit me in a place I've kept buried for years.
You are worth comfort, safety, compassion, and care. Take it easy on yourself
That felt so true it hurts like a cut that just got reopened (even though I am still being emotionally abused by my father so it never had time to heal.)
It's a sad and scary place. But you are absolutely worth being safe and loved.
It takes time to build yourself back up, but it happens. Getting to that place that was buried for years is extremely painful, but uncovering that pain and working with it will do wonders.
If you can at all afford any kind of therapy--the process is absolutely worth it.
Olly's out here, making everyone realize they need therapy.
"I had no one who looked forward to seeing me"
Ow, that hits close to home. And I'm not even traumatised or been in any kind of relationship.
you know - if you vere get that feeling. Write back and ping me and i promise you - I will look forward seeing you. We all deserves to be greetet with happines once a while.
family, work and platonic relationships are relationships and can be abusive
"I'm not even traumatized" has never been said by somewhat who isn't traumatized, I think. You really okay?
Wait. People are supposed to look forward to seeing you? Apparently I've been living my life wrong :/
You don't need a single person to blame to have trauma, society does plenty of it without individual help.
Your impersonation of Jordan Peterson is spot on. Congrats on coming out, Abs! :) :)
“If I had trauma, I think I’d know about it.” God, I felt that, like in my chest.
It made me tear up. Huh.
When I first watched this video, I kept making excuses as to why these things didn't *really* apply to the situation I was in. "Yeah, but she apologized after hitting me" "Sure, but that was my choice" "Nah, she's just in a rough place, you help people you care about, right?"
Now every time I rewatch this, it reminds me of just how....wrong the things she did to me were.
Thanks, Olly.
Hope you’re doing well now
My ex never apologised to me for what she did. I don't think she even remembered what she did that night she was so drunk.
PT: No Exit works best as a stage play because there are no cuts or edits and the longer it goes the more uncomfortable you get.
Me: Whoa, that would make a cool youtube video.
...
8 mins in with no cut: Oh shit, this is that video isn't it?
Holy shit well noticed, thanks for pointing that out
I thiiiink there was a cut or two in there?
@@JREG there's an effect cut when he pans around, but there's no cuts in the actual video outside of that.
He also did this for his Jorden Peterson April Fools video
@@JREG oh shit hi jreg
"I told her about something she had done that hurt me and she would explain how I was wrong and she was right."
Holy fuck! I've never heard anyone else who has so eloquently said this. This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years.
Between the psychological terrorism, the emotional abuse and sexual abuse, my life was worthless. I still very much deal with feelings of inadequacy that my wife taught me that I had.
I left her over three years ago and started my transition two years ago. We have two kids together so I can't completely get her out of my life yet and she *still* tries to manipulate, control and abuse me.
When I look back on it, I wish that she would have just beat me. At least those physical scars would have healed. She left me with emotional scars that may never heal.
I love you, Abby. I'm glad that you're still alive and you have transitioned. I hope you fully heal some day.
Abby, you told my own story to me.
Do all of us trans ladies live through this? Do we all attract selfish sociopaths? Like it wasn't just my ex wife, but basically every woman I have been intimate with has somehow kicked the shit out of me emotionally.
Hugs, gorge. Hugs for fucking days. Love and light, sister.
I had to face my abuser/ex wife in court yesterday. Just hearing her walk into the courtroom and seeing her in person brought me so much fear that I actually began to shake. Tears silently rolled down my face. I spent the rest of the day looking over my shoulder making sure that I wasn't being followed by her. We got married when I was still living as a cis-het man.
Goddammit, I'm glad that's all behind me now.
" This perfectly sums up the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife for over 20 years."
Cis man here, happened to me as well.
Some are capable of this gaslighting while accusing you of gaslighting, as in "it's all about you, but what about..." essentially seeing feedback on your emotional state as weaponizing emotions.
even writing this anonymously on the internet gives me jitters, because (similar to the experience of a commenter above) as a man, you're expected to be able to deal with that sort of thing, whether it's mental, verbal, or (in his case) sexual.
@jamaljohnson6411 lol, even as a woman, I'm still more man than you can ever even imagine of being.
thank you for sharing your story, i hope things get better for you. best of luck
“She hit me. Once. ONCE. But it was my fault.”
Gave me chills. My ex hit me once, only once she never did it again. So I rationalized it away as a ‘mistake’ and stayed with her for years after that as I watched things get progressively more and more abusive in non-physical ways. And then she dumped me, but when she tried to get back together with me I was lucky enough to gather the courage and turn her down. That was months ago and I have no regrets, I’m seeing someone else and I now know some things watch out for.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's completely unacceptable and it sucks that there's such a stigma around it.
Grace Savides Yeah there is quite a stigma around it. But not just men either, women who suffer abuse are also stigmatized in other ways too.
I wish as a society, we could be ready to be open and honest with these dialogues so that both victims and abusers could get the help they need.
Instead, abusers get off easy and potentially get to do it again, while victims are stuck with permanent traumas that will undoubtedly rear their ugly head in future relationships, and are judged in many, many different ways whenever they try to talk about it.
@@jamesonmaylif8009 You're so right. It's not easy for anyone, man or woman, young or old, to get help. Our society is built around sheltering abusers and distrusting survivors. The more times I tell my story of abuse (or even just open up about my mental health struggles) the more I find that most people have a story to tell. Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them.
No no I'm not being poisoned, they're just helping me build an immunity to poison, right guys?
Sure, it’s to make you strong. At least that’s what they keep saying. Isn’t it? ...
Actually they are poisoning you, but you tell yourself you need to change to be more acceptable and decide for yourself about this immunity.
I mean poison is how you build an immunity to poison.
@@justanotherweirdo11 I seriously doubt that. You can build tolerance but not immunity.
@@justanotherweirdo11 lol right, which is why I said it. I think the crux is probably that abuse isn't actually poison, so does abuse help you build an immunity to abuse? Maybe. I mean I can certainly hold my own these days when someone is verbally attacking me. However I'm not sure that it builds an immunity towards the original abuser. It seems like it actually weakens your defenses towards them, which is quite different from what happens with poison. Small amounts of one kind of poison help build an immunity towards that specific kind of poison, not every other type of poison.
“Some of the thoughts you have inside your head aren’t yours.”
Jesus. I’ve never considered that. I paused the video to take a moment there. How much of the bullying I do to myself is from mustard seeds sewn from interactions I don’t even remember? From people who wanted me to feel bad about myself? From my own self when I was younger and inexperienced in gauging the world and the people around me? How many seeds like that have I unwittingly planted in others?
Thank you for the thoughtful and vulnerable video, and for the notes I’m bringing to therapy this week.
A lot of your mind is made by your experiences and your environment. Those make a lot of your ideas, the ones you like, and the ones you don't. It also comes into art, which is the combination of all your influences. That's why people advocate being with good people because those good people plant good and healthy thoughts into your mind.
In my experience who you truly are is the person you are with no one around, with no social expectations, an example of mine is how i stop and smell flowers, and touch every plant on the walk home.
Learning about intrusive thoughts and how those doesn't necessarily reflect who I actually am really helped me navigate myself better!
I remember watching the show "I May Destroy You" and find their way of demonstrating instrusive thoughts very fresh and accurate. It's not the craziest thoughts that hurt the most, it's the little ones that's easily convince you they're yours.
Welcome to meditation.
26:25 “in many ways i’m not the man i was”
hits different now
Being "too loving" or having too much of any positive virtue really hit home. I have trauma from having to parent my parents, from having been used as my mother's therapist, support network, and emotional sounding board. It's left me with a difficulty to put up boundaries, especially with authority figures.
Sometimes you don't know it's trauma until it's leaking out of you and people see and say "oh shit, are you alright?" And you respond "oh this? It's always been like this, I'm fine," even though, in that moment, you become keenly aware of how different your experiences are from another person's, how you shouldn't have had to deal with that.
I struggle accepting that what happened to me was traumatic, even though I've had that moment many times, even though I don't talk about it to others because I think it's too heavy for them. I struggle with ever putting myself first instead of just taking care of others, because if I don't, I become acutely suicidal from spreading myself too thin.
Thank you for covering this topic. It means a lot to see the things I struggle with reflected somewhere else. May we both be able to work through our trauma
i knew something about this reminded me of my relationship with my parents. thank you so much for sharing, this means a lot to me
I have in a way the opposite problem. I've had much greater barriers to authority figures and had to rely too much on my partners, which was quite a strain particularly for those who expected endless power from manhood. It's like: I'm sorry I'm human and that your idea of manhood is brought to you by disney movies.
Wow big same. Same with my mom. It's taken me a long time to really accept and realize that the things that happened to me weren't ok, and it's like a had to relearn everytime that things didn't go the way they were supposed too, as if i kept "forgetting" that i actually have trauma.
I've watched a lot of leftist content and I always understood intellectually what those content warnings were about, but only now for the first time did I experience what it means to be triggered and how deep of an effect it can have. It has taken me hours to recover before I could type out this comment.
I've been abused and controlled for 7 years and I kept giving and giving until I was cheated on, lied to, gaslighted, led on and discarded when she no longer saw any possibility of keeping up the charade that I was anything to her other than something to be used. I forgave her and still wanted to be there for her despite all of this. I knew she was hurting and that was why she was doing those things to me. But I realized I was making things worse, I was triggering her behaviors just by being usable and having no self-respect. She was using my compassion against me from the start. I later heard the term "idiot compassion" from a Buddhist monk and I understood immediately what he meant.
I tried therapy early on and it wasn't of much help. I think it's because I was not treated like an abuse victim. Maybe it's because I didn't go for long enough, or maybe my psychologist wasn't competent enough. My abuser convinced me that I had a personality disorder and that was what I told my psychologist at the time I was visiting her for. I'm now convinced I need to take the consequences of this abuse more seriously and I'm going to find another therapist and go intensively. A therapist I don't feel pressed to "get my money's worth" out of. I don't want my mental health to be a financial burden, and thankfully, that is an option here that I just found out about.
I'm pretty sure I have Complex PTSD now. I'm paralyzed by fear and low self-esteem a lot of the time. I feel for everyone who has gone through this shit. It's a nightmare. Every day I think of her still, one year later. I feel like she owns me. Like she could screw up my life again if she really wanted to. That's because I don't have a strong support system. I need to make sure this never happens again.
You can get through this. It will get better, with time and with help.
God Speed on your journey.
Very much hope you’re doing better now
I have my own story with trauma that I'm finally beginning to confront in therapy. My therapist suggested a book to me that has honestly, radically changed how I see myself, in all ways, as a victim, as a survivor, and as an individual on a level where trauma cannot touch who I am. The book is called The Body Keeps The Score. It's honestly, beyond phenomenal.
Stay strong. You'll find a way to be okay again
In my experience, finding a therapist that specialises in CPTSD makes all the difference! That and EMDR. Good luck, it may not seem like it now, but you can be free from these feelings. Sharing this is such a great step already. ♥︎
+
I stopped halfway through. When you mentioned destroying that IKEA furniture, I immediately recognized the abuse. I did the same thing with the futon that my ex repeatedly assaulted me on, one that I had had for well over a decade. Him not accepting me saying "no" broke the frame, and I felt somewhat alleviated while destroying it. I didn't recognize why, either, until I met with a counselor at my clinic after having a mental breakdown. I appreciate that this is the first of your videos that I've seen, as my ex was a RUclipsr, too, and whenever I would do work for him, for free, too, or schedule interviews it was never good enough, and the footage would be discarded. I appreciate this so much, and I'm glad you're still around. And "people like Shrek" is going to stick with me
really hope you finished it. it’s incredibly powerful
i hope you are well today and getting even better. wishing you all the best.
9:03 Autoandrophyllic. It was funny then. It is hilarious now. And, well, Abigail was probably questioning at the time, so the irony is not lost on her :-')
Your Jordan Peterson impression is scarily accurate.
was looking for this comment
@alex he's so funny to parody. if you want more, check out the chapo trap house clips about him on yt if you haven't already, they're comedy gold
That Australian therapist tho.
alex Maybe Peterson is just another one of Oliver’s characters 🤔
I absolutely love the minimalist style for this video after all the glamour and makeup of the last few
Edit: also love how he wears the superman t-shirt while the character denies the truama and abuse. In effect, trying to BE super man,a man of steel. It's only after he sheds the mantle does he begin to open up about the abuse. Excellent attention to detail as always. Everything in the frame is there for a reason, and because of that minimalist aesthetic it gets even more impact
"How many dates do we go on before I tell you? I don't wanna be defined by it but... you need to know." The trans statement of the century
a lot of the statements on this channel apply a very suprising amount to the trans experience huh ;^P
@@lunardogs2416 I guess it's part and parcel with 'things that are very personal and important to me, but controversial to disclose due to social stigma'.
@@clickpause8732 WOOP THERE IT IS
Remember also that a relationship that builds you up doesn't have to be romantic. I have a wonderful friend I met about 3 years ago and she's helped me so much with everything and made me a much better person.
I had started to have a suicidal ideation and self harm problem a bit before I'd met her and, even though I'd told about it to anyone only last autumn, she sometimes was the thing that kept me alive.
Later on she's helped with my image of myself and when I started writing she, among other friends, really supported me in it.
I'd say that's a hell of a lot to accomplish in 3 years and I'm grateful I met her
She sounds like a geeat friend, and I hope you're doing well
not gonna lie, this video being shot really close and without any cuts is like unnerving in a way i didn't think was possible from this channel
Omg! Just like the play! No cuts, so you can't get out! I hadn't thought of that, but now I got chills! Thanks for providing me atentive eyes, my friend!
I just realised the entire first part is filmed from within a mirror, explaining the backwards 'S'
Louis Hypothetical
I genuinely thought he was just wearing a Bizzaro shirt
@@Doogie95 oh! Same wow
Holy shit! That makes this video even better - if this is at all possible.
@@claudis.4015 It doesn't matter if it's possible. It matters that you fell for it.
Filmed from within a mirror? How?
When I told my therapist life was like a movie. I'd seen the trailer and didn't want to go see it.
She gave me the best answer ever: "Well, but we're already in the theater."
Wat
i grew up in an abusive family. my father was horrible. and i knew it.i knew it wasnt normal. i was ashamed of it. i could not tell any kids my age.(and only can i speak of it ,now) i did tell a teacher when she asked why i had a black eye. she told me i was lying.she said she knew my father and didnt believe me. a few months later , i came home from school and the house looked like someone broke in , and furniture turned over.ect. my mother was gone. i never saw her again. my father became more abusive.and he found a playgirl magazine in my bedroom.and he beat me ,like never before, saying i was not his son. i was 16 years old. i slept the first night on the street behind a shop dumpster. a gym teacher came looking for me. its a small town and everyone knew. months later i had tried to kill myself. i got theropy , i finished school and went to uni and study all i could. im lucky . i didnt grow up bitter. i married a man that is my soulmate. and im happy. so anyone who is going through hell. dont stop now. keep going forward.until you are OUT of it. much love to you.
I'm so glad that you made it out of that terrible place and are happy now, and thx for your kind words🤍
Olly: and i didn't tell a soul
Me: *stunned silence*
Olly: Aristotle!
Olly: What is my job
Me: *MORE STUNNED SILENCE*
I said, out loud, to myself, “Typical Olly.”
Olly's greatest superpower, to make even the most absurd Brechtian moments of his videos some of the most poignant and real.
i think he kinda asks/jokes whats his job
"You're very good at making people fall in love withyou, but you can't seem to make them happy" is such an awful, shitty thing to say to anyone, and it always seems to be said to the people who already have that anxiety about themselves. Bless you Olly
Manipulative people very quickly figure out the buttons to push to get the reaction they desire.
“Maybe trauma didn’t give me anxiety, maybe it gave me the power to see into the future” oh my god
Me, talking about my anxiety to my therapist: I can't stop worrying about things! If I did, everything would go wrong and I wouldn't be prepared for the inevitable bad things in the future!
Therapist: ... When has your anxiety actually accurately predicted a negative outcome?
Me: This one time in seventh grade, by friends and I were playing Call of Cthulu...
@@thecatcameback3530 me: well this math test last year... I failed it...
This because i think i will fail every math test. and some you will eventually fail
I had no idea that I had been abused for YEARS until I studied to become a relationship counsellor. He never physically abused me but the emotional and mental abuse was constant. I divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 3 years of trying to reconcile. The only wonderful thing to come out of it was my 3 (now adult) kids with whom he has absolutely NO relationship. I have no real lasting effects from it as I never blamed myself for his abuse but I am glad I am now with a wonderful man who not only loves me (for the past 20 years) but loves my kids as well, and I love his as though they were mine. Life is good. 😊
How did I not notice the Superman to Clark Kent transition the first time I watched? This is such an amazing video. Im sorry you or anyone had to go through that.
Solid. Thanks for pointing that out!
oh my godddddddddd
Omg how did I not see that 😁
If you ever feel like Shrek remember: "Shrek had friends, people like Shrek"
All Shrek had to do is let people into his swamp.
...that just makes me more sad, to be honest. I can't even relate to Lord Farquaad because while he was hated and had no friends, he had at least some influence. And money.
Also: "People fapped to Shrek."
I feel like I need to write this in some fancy cursive font over some sunrise painting and pin it to my entire house.
I feel a lot more like donkey, though - maybe there is an audience laughing about my jokes, but everyone around me is just annoyed and let's me stay around mostly out of "oh well, at least she tries. She's nice. I think. And anyway, we're used to her by now, so why not". I always hoped there'd be my version of the dragon running around, wanting to be strange together, but so far... :-D Til then I just work on better jokes.
I'm currently cracking, suffering from complex PTSD and dealing with a gaslighting parent while trying to sort out my own identity and sexuality in secret... Needless to say my brain doesn't work properly at the moment. I can't put words together very well, my mental illness is hurting my cognitive abilities but..... thank you. That's all I can say right now. Thanks again, Olly. I want to be here.
Sympathies extended.
hey stranger. i don't know your life, but as someone who has dealt with a gaslighting parent (among other things) and got CPTSD out of it, and who had to navigate being closeted during it... you can get out of it. you can get through it. and i have a stash of pdf books about abusive parents and abuse recovery if you feel like you need them.
i have an abusive, gaslighting parent as well. this video hurt me on multiple levels since a lot of the ways that me and my family have been abused by her are things i ended up internalizing/thinking were normal and have used in the past to abuse my own partner. it's taken me years to tear myself out of those cycles, and i'm still not perfect. recovery from an abusive parent is... fucked up, and hard. i'm sorry for what you're going through.
Thank you for sharing. Watch out for yourself. I hope you can get somewhere save soon.
I know you didn't ask but if you try to get out of the situation, here are some things I gathered from my flight. If I can tell you something i've learnt from dealing with gaslighting and abuse from parents, it's worth fighting for your mind. I had one truth. That truth was "I will not hate myself" in order to protect that truth I had to go No contact for a few years, which wasn't easy but possible in my situation. If you can, activate any link in your support net. Speak to people when you feel you're "clear". I was dissappointed a lot of times by people but also surprised by unexpected help. If those people are on good terms with your parents or you are afraid of rumors, put your mental health in the foreground and try not to be accusatory about your parents. It is sad but more people are willing to help if they don't have to potentially burn bridges with your abusers. You can come out when you are in a safer space! Try to get a lot of information on what NGOs, other programms are there to possibly support you in your country. In my experience it's better to dial 10 numbers than only 2 who seem right. Even if it's not exactly what you're looking for, there might be people with insider knowledge who can redirect you to the help you need.
Please watch out for yourself. I wish you all the power to heal.
I went through a similar situation about 15 years ago, and I'm sorry you're hoping through this. Do your best to keep hanging on to yourself, even if by your fingernails. There is freedom after this. While you're plotting your escape, I give you a mantra from a friend who also survived terrible abuse: The sky is blue. Whatever color people insist the sky is (green, plaid, etc.), the sky is blue. You know the truth.
Wishing you luck and a safe escape from your current situation.
"[they] hit me once, *once*" resonates with me every time i watch this. Sure it was 'only' once, but you're never going to forget that once as long as you live. And you're not going to forgot that it was only once and use that against yourself to minimise it sometimes
Or to quote Abigail herself, I understand how you feel
The last time my partner hit me, it didn't hurt at all, physically. I called the cops mainly to get a record of what was going on, because I was getting ready to file for divorce. It wasn't until much later that I remembered it wasn't the only time!
That first time, back when I was still trying to "save" the relationship, she punched me in the mouth while wearing a gardening glove, leaving an open wound that scabbed over. At the time, it didn't even register. I was too deep in the belief that it was normal, that I deserved it. Anyway, I'd been doing worse to myself for years. Later she bragged about "sucker-punching" me. Even then I thought more about what kind of punch it was than about how I felt. And comparing. Our neighbor was beaten so badly by her partner that she had to go to the hospital. I told myself that my situation didn't matter because it wasn't the same thing at all. I told myself it was different because the power dynamic was reversed. I told myself I was lucky that wasn't happening to me.
I was saying to myself "I am invincible. I am a strong man. A woman can't hurt me. I am dangerous and threatening. I don't have to worry about being hurt, only about hurting others."
I am learning to let go of the lies...
Himself*
@@Amiralynn idek what you're even trying to accomplish here
@@NotBamOrBing Just correcting you
@@Amiralynn nothing at all, got it