A psychologist told me that sometimes when a mother in law have a bad relationship with a daughter in law is because this matriarch woman is not emotionally healed and whole. She spent most of her life raising her son like a single mother at the same time not receiving the love and attention from her husband. She unconsciously creates pseudo- husband image using her son as her character. So, when another woman (daughter in law) comes in the picture is as if she has invaded her territory. She ends up resenting her daughter in law. which is where the aggression comes from.
Wow, she is 100% on this.....I grew up in a conservative Korean family, as a first-generation American this still applies. As a man, I understood these things instinctively, almost like a bird flying north without knowing why. However, I didn’t have the language to express it as clearly as you did, so I truly appreciate your insight. I’m also getting married this December to my wonderful fiancée, who is not Korean but African-American. There was a lot of resistance from my parents, but I stood firm in my decision and through prayer, we are getting married with their blessing~( Lord, really showed himself in our relationship, another story there). Knowing what to expect and how to navigate will truly help.
I would love to hear your story, not just bc I am an African-American woman, but because it is encouraging to hear any positive stories about marriage.
I think this is becoming a worldwide issue with mothers holding on to their adult sons. I am married to one, thank God my husband does not take her nonsense and put a quick stop to it. They feel entitled to their son's money, house and time.
In my culture, parents raise you for you to take care of them. You are expected to buy their groceries and give them money once you start working, the daughters proitise their families ( parents) more than the husbands parents. The mother in law is usually mean to the daughter in law and act like they are in a competition for attention with the son
Same 🙄 my mother-in-law (she's Chinese) even took my husband to get his hair cut really short the week before our wedding. Was it the end of the world? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Did I cry? Yes We're still happily married but my mother-in-law sees my husband as her property.
@@cynthiamusonda9210 gross. that's the worst when you're not only in a relatinship with your partner but your first and foremost in a relationship with his mother. I'd leave ASAP.
I'm SOOOOO GLAD that my Korean MIL does not live that give backwards mind frame. When we try to do something simple for her, she will straight up tell us "I raised my son, do better than my husband and I" she never wanted to hold him back. But as the daughter in law, I give back by giving my time to her and she is funny in her Daegu ascent lol I asked her once on how she love. She said she learned it because it was not given to her back in the early 60's in Korea being the oldest child, she didn't get that love. So she vowed to be different.
She probably genuinely loves her son and doesnt just see him as ATM. i swear a lot of asian parents don't actually love their children they just "did what they were supposed to do" which back then was have kids.
Awww, that's great. Breaking the cycle is important. I'm the cycle breaker in my family, I'm the oldest everything. So I carried alot of expections on my shoulders, but I always fought for respect something my parents taught me,. the speaking up for myself and anything I dont think is ok. Its just part of my personality. My husband is Peruvian , I'm Domimican and his Peruvian family is very much tribe like family.if it was for them we will all live in one house. They are very close ( my family as well) and the oldest of the family, is very opinated about how her kids and grandkids should live their life, but since I joy this family I made it clear ( in a respectful way) that the moment my husband chose me to be his wife, we became a family of our own. If I need or want an opinion I'll ask for it. 😂😂 my husband grandma wanted a key to our apartment, "in case" we forget our keys in the apartment. I said, it's okay, we can call the building office. My mother in-law is good she also believes that merried people should live on their own ect. She loves to party so she once made her own list of friends to my sons birthday party, and that was the last time she did that. I don't make a list of people I want in your party's please dont invite people to my party that I don't know. I been merried for 13 years now, so we all know how we are around here,what we like and don't like. I get along with everyone, even with matriarch pushy grandma lol. I like that she's straightforward and has learned that im not someone who let's other push her around.
*I knew Mr. Moon was a boundary setter. Megan don't listen to the people who reside in La La Land or might gaslight you for speaking about differences in cultures. It is important in any society to be honest, candid and transparent. We love Korean dramas but most of us wouldn't want to live in one.* 💙💙
Sometimes I can’t even get through watching the dramas because of the blatant acceptance of abuse. That culture of abuse of prevalent in many African countries too and I HATE IT. Even when there is abuse, we must at least be honest enough to admit it. If we never acknowledge what it is, then change will never happen.
Mid 40's Korean mama here of 3 sausages....I get asked all the time what my biggest advice is for young people getting married...my answer is always the same... Right now, for a single person your nuclear family consists of you, your parents and your siblings. When you choose to marry, that dynamic changes and your nuclear family becomes you, the partner you married and the children you welcome into your lives. Your parents and your siblings become your extended family, like your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Protect your new nuclear family and build a firm foundation with your partner for it. Don't let ANY ONE from your extended family on either side make you choose between your nuclear family and the rest. Always stand by the nuclear family you are building.
Exactly! Thank you for saying my mind and the truth. People must get this straight! If not, no matter who you are, MIL, son, wife, etc., you will suffer. It’s simply against the principality.
I commend Mr Moon for choosing and setting the tone with boundaries for your family. But most importantly Megan he’s breaking cycles for your children’s children children. Generations will be transformed as result of both of your boundaries and choices. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This is Asian culture in general. Wives are treated less than which is wild because the mother-in-law that is demanding was once a young wife who wasn’t treated well herself and knows how it feels. It’s full circle not in a good way.
Yes. Luckily there are many MIL who don’t want to pass on the trauma and decide to be different. Most people do but it’s hard for them to get out of the habits. And it’s a spectrum. Some are really extreme and some are just mild cases. But most people want to stop that trauma it seems. So it’s hopeful that with this generation it won’t be passed on to the previous one.
Most MIL in Korea who are over 60 have suffered in some degree under their own demanding MIL. And their due reward was gonna be that they get to lord over their own DIL ley are older. But now the society has changed & they are not supposed do that. So they feel like they suffered without getting compensated.
@@musicbkim What a toxic way of looking at it. So the MIL is supposed to take out all their aggression on their DIL. It's continuing a cycle of abuse. I'm lucky my mom who is in her late 60s (Non Korean Asian) viewed her bad experiences as something to learn from and not repeat for the next generation. She always felt we all have a choice to break the cycle. She once told me that parents are not perfect and that they sometimes makes mistake. That parents' views are limited by what they know or how they were raised so I need to think for myself what is right for me because parents doesn't always know what's right. I hope more Korean MIL decide to break the cycle or abuse.
@@gin170 The majority have changed or are changing. It's a minority who are still trying to be bossy or demanding. Then there are degrees of being demanding. So one might consider as being demanding may not be seen as demanding to others. But there are generally a bit more expectations for the DIL or a couple to do with the parents in law. It's usually worse when the MIL is a single parent and the son is the only son/child.
You always share everything about Korea- even the bad parts. I respect you so so much for handling this with grace, understanding, and cultural knowledge! I am so proud to be a fan 💜
Now I understand why kdramas always have the evil mother in law... It's genuinely a horrible reality for so many women in korea. Edit: I never meant that ALL mother in laws in Korea are like this just because Kdramas portray it in this way. Megan herself has very caring and lovely in laws. It's just because the trope exists so much in Asian dramas, that it must be an underlying social problem within our culture. As one comment said, tone the kdramas down, and it's quite realistic for some.
yeah the way Korean women are expected to parent and just Korea's toxic gender roles in general creates these toxic entitled kind of parents and the worst kinds of fathers, birthing toxic entitled children into the world via terrible misogynistic "wisdom" passed down generationally. It's a pattern that needs to be broken but the majority of their society would have to be aware of their issues in the first place.
Most families are not like the kdramas nowadays. They are mostly exaggerated to make it more sensational. But if you toned it down a bit it could be quite realistic for some Korean ppl, although those cases are rapidly disappearing now. This also makes it difficult for the mother-in-laws, because they've suffered under their own mother-in-law when they were young, but there is no compensation for their suffering. Traditionally, their due reward for their suffering was supposed to be lording over their own DIL when they eventually get one. But now that they have a DIL, the society has changed & they are not supposed to demand anything from their son or DIL, but just to help them out with the grandchildren.
@@musicbkim what do you mean they get nothing for how badly they were treated!? They should get therapy, not go on to ruining another life and marriage.
I've had this. I've been on holiday with my in-laws where they have literally shouted at my husband for spending too much time with me. His sister even referred to me as his wife rather than use my name. His sister and mother even told him he was disrespectful for spending so much time with me on our wedding day! Luckily my husband will stand up for me, but it really took me by surprise at first. I feel like, as a daughter in law, you're always an outsider.
@@wealldieinsomniarmy2806 I think they just wanted me out of the way. I honestly feel like I'm just a burden to them. I don't know why because I love their son/brother, we are happily married and have a family together. I don't know if they perceive me as some kind of threat.
OMG Megan this is the best explanatory video about Korean men and their marriages that I have ever seen anywhere hands down!!! This is a spot on dead accurate analysis. It should be mandatory for all women from across the globe to watch your video BEFORE they ever think about accepting a proposal from a Korean men or apply for a marriage license, or better yet, before they ever step foot on a plane headed to S. Korea!!! Heck forget about watching K-dramas, just direct all women to this video for the best crash course on all things Korea. Bravo to your cliff notes on the nature of Korean men and their family obligations.
MY FRIEND You are not wrong 🫠 Welll, I was into Korean culture, being a Nigerian American, I had an inkling that Korean and Nigerian culture was similar Now I'm convinced that that's the case. Now to see why 🤣
I won the lottery and married into an accepting and open-minded Korean family, where the in-laws are highly accepting of me as a foreigner. 💛 Sharing my experience, I've noticed that loss of Korean traditions and culture is also a sad consequence of the trauma from generational gap and family expectations. My MIL is overly sensitive about not making me uncomfortable or having any expectations to me, and she explained this is because she was traumatized by her MIL's strict expectations and basically treating her like a servant. They cut off contact with that part of the family before I was introduced, but sadly these traumas made the family completely distance themselves from family traditions and ceremonies. 😢 Interestingly, it was only when I was introduced to the family (who do not associate the culture with trauma and hardship), that they started re-implementing some traditions such as kimjang and rice cake making - in the spirit of sharing their culture (and not as a chore). 💖 My situation might be a little unique, but I find it very interesting that it is unconventionally 'the foreigner' being the center-point of the continuation of Korean culture (at least the "nice" part of it) ⭐
Megan, thank you for bringing these issues to the forefront! I've been living in Korea for 6 years and I feel a constant desperation about how everybody ignores talking about social problems (or anything that involves opinions and criticism for that matter). Because the taboo or "uncomfortable" topics extend so much I can only talk with Koreans about food, the weather, or celebrities. I want you to know this content is EXTREMELY HELPFUL. Please keep making it if possible :') Thank you for using your platform this way!
I’m from the Middle East and my culture sounds similar to SK when it comes to the in-laws. It’s one of the reasons I married a western man. I love our independent lifestyle and how our small family comes first before the extended family.
That's all great as long as you give your son and his future partners their freedom and independence from you in every way and don't make him feel responsible for you.
@@4everfaithfulun2Himthat’s how it’s going to be. I’m breaking generational cycles here. A husband and a wife becoming one is the way to a bonded happy couple and marriage.
OMG! My girlfriend told me about a lot of things your talking about. Her husband exploded on his parents, over her. They met in college (him abroad; she's American born Korean) but, his parents had picked a wife for him and they wouldn't except her. Long story short.... he refused to let them control his life, loves her parents (open minded; his closed), decided to return here, married, two children and very happy! Unfortunately.... his family missed out on a wonderful son, beautiful hard-working & kind daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren! Sad because he feels, they sent him abroad and spent money on his education so he could return and give them status umung their peers & community (his words not mine)! But, I think it's time for all this to change change! 😢 Much ♥️ From USA Mom Fan!!
It's the way I've been married to a Korean man in Korea for over 9 years now and NEVER had an issue with the MIL until we had a baby this year. The opinions and judgement are driving me to dislike her even though I thought she was pretty relaxed previously. Thankfully my husband is great at boundaries like yours and not afraid to put his mom in check. Their relationship has never been close though, and he dislikes spending too much time with them. It's kind of sad because I'm sure their bad relationship is going to impact the grandparent relationship with our child too. Our child is 3 months old and they've seen him twice?! I can't imagine my Spanish family choosing to spend so little time with their grandchild like that if they lived less than 1 hr away. I also feel like we can't depend on them for childcare in an emergency like we could with my family. It's probably that whole "Korean men not wanting to burden their parents" thing. Because taking care of their own grandchild would be a burden?? Lord give me patience and help me keep my mouth shut during Chuseok lol!
Yes, I've watched a few RUclipsrs that talked about their partners taking away their kids due to Korean law and siding with the Korean partners..even in abusive relationships. Definitely need more laws to protect the foreigners in those situations
I'm African American and married to a Korean man in America and must say we both really hit the lottery as both of our families from all angles are very accepting and open minded with other cultures and understanding of the cultural differences we each may have. It's been a real blessing but we have many friends who experience the opposite and some even having to end their relationships due to the cultural differences. Just be yourself, be understanding, do research and encourage mindfulness and growth at all times. Be tolerant but don't allow disrespect. First and foremost make sure you and your partner establish these expectations and boundaries from the very beginning. Share your feelings, difficulties and concerns as they occur and respectfully. Do not judge, get to know each other. Your partner is the product of the family or environment and circumstances that helped raise them and these things and people should be understood and respected depending on the circumstance. Stand up for your partner within reason. Don't be afraid to challenge them when necessary. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
I love your sit down videos! These videos feel like we’re just sitting down chatting with you. I’m Mexican married to a white guy and Mexican marriages and white marriages are so different too. From family in laws to raising kids to taking care of your hubby. Thanks for sharing ❤
@@pliktl so you are talking about American originating from Northern Europe? And so “white marriage” refers to Americans originating from Northern Europe? There are plenty of white people in other parts of Europe..include the ones that made you “latinos” I’m sure people in Belgium, France, UK, Bulgaria Switzerland or other European countries, all approach marriages and life differently. “White marriage” sounds like a made up word. And saying that all white people “hold grudges” sounds like painting all people with the same brush because of their skin color. I’m European btw and I don’t believe white American culture is the same as other European cultures just because the skin color is similar. “white marriages” seriously..
5:01 It's called emotional incest. That's what the term is called its a form of social crutch but yes this is a global issue specifically with the older generations that came from war-torn realities and those war-torn realities ending at the same time that technological explosion and global expansion really made a larger impact compared to the opening of national boarders, but social norms and standards did not catch up or even adapt to the new standards; even today it's difficult to let go of older generations ideals to associate with the new generations raised by technology. I've noticed this generational Gap understanding and it is so stressful but profound if you consider human evolution
I am from Germany and we don't have issues like that. My Boyfriends Mom loves him very much but we can live out life in peace. Our parents put 0 pressure on us. And all of my friends parents have 0 expectations too. I feel no pressure to marry. I can have a child with my partner with oder without marriage. It doesn't matter.
I would be so interested to see a video about what kinds of life habits/marriage habits/etc Mr Moon has now either developed or had to pick up on/learn from your more western life style with all of the communication/compromise you guys have been able to work on! I feel like it would be so cool to hear what he has learned from the other side too! :)
As someone married to a Korean American, we still face these same ideas and expectations. We had a lot of turmoil surrounding our wedding because of it. However, I'm extremely lucky my partner will always stand up for me and our relationship. He's set some very stern boundaries and we only meet with his family on big holidays. Its unfortunate because, as someone who has loved and known Korean culture for so long and considering how much I love their son, I would like to have a good relationship with my in-laws, but we both have just come to face the reality. That we will never have that with them and they will not change. Sometimes you have to let people face the consequences of their actions, stand firm to your boundaries & protect your peace, while also working to end that generational trauma when you have kids. Thank you so much for sharing. I also spoke about this with his cousins and they've expressed, even as Koreans marrying into Korean families, they also face a lot of turmoil with their in-laws. It's great to know that this experience is something that is fairly common across the board regardless of whether you're in America or Korea and whether you are a interracial. It sad that its the reality, but its also nice to know you're not alone
I love that this conversation is happening!!! I’ve been married for over 21 yrs (to my Korean-American husband) and I always wondered what other people’s experiences are/were. We live in the US and my in-laws do too! I think this video is so important for anyone who is considering marriage in Korea or to a Korean person who lives abroad because it really does help with managing expectations. Well done, Megan!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I’m so glad you talked about this because many can imagine but they do not realize the cultural factors that can impact a relationship/family.
I’m a single, educated Black woman living in the USA, and I know I am living my best life! I chose not to have children or to stay married to a narcissistic husband. I recently visited Kenya and saw the oppression women faced there. I’m glad to be an American at this time. Psychodynamic therapy truly allowed me to love and appreciate my own value and worth just b/c I am. You can’t tell me bull otherwise either. I was born worthy of everything beautiful that life has to offer, but I’m always reminded of life’s negative aspects. The key is remaining mindful; it’s a constant struggle. Surround yourself with positive people and things. Reflect on or journal your thoughts daily without judgment. It takes practice but it works. You don’t have to get or stay married. You do have to provide support: physically, emotionally and spiritually to and for your children until they are of age. They had no say in being born.
i;m single and feminist and living a peaceful lovely life. Women still don't know they don't need men to oppress them, equality doesn't apply to the majority of couples..
It’s been 10 years that I’ve been watching your channel and I contribute it to how well done your videos are and how informational you are. You do a wonderful job and I’m glad you discuss these topics it gives such insight, I appreciate you Megan
As Christians we’re taught to leave our mother and father and cleave to our spouse. We become one, and good parents respect that. American culture is: give respect, get respect. Respect is merit based, not age/status based. Both of these feel like the opposite of Korean culture. I’m only seven mins in, but I see why Korean women chose to not marry.
I think this depends on the location you were raised in, your ethnic background, and your subculture. My family is very focused on elders, parents, and the younger generation taking care of the ones who came before them. Respect is given based on age and hierarchy too. Marriage is very much women having to accept nonsense from men and swallow unhappiness for the sake of the family. I grew up in SE Louisiana, and I notice this is similar in certain southern states. What you described isn't common down here.
Yep, American here. My paternal grandmother was terrible to my mom, as she married her "baby boy". We've come to the conclusion no one would have been good enough for my dad in my grandmother's eyes. So my dad moved 5 hrs away with my mom, set boundaries, and my grandma stopped acting the fool.
Same for us. I've also referenced this verse to my Korean husband just 1 or 2 times. But I won't live locally to his parents. They're Christians too but live in the Korean SoCal bubble. I'm not about to tempt the traditional MIL/DIL dynamic by living close.
I'm not a Korean or a son, but this hits close to home. I'm glad people are discussing normalizing boundaries. It took me awhile, and it's still hard to get use to it.
I know this is specific to Korean culture but I can honestly say this reminds me of my husbands family (he's first-gen Mexican American (M30) and I'm Puerto Rican (F32)). In recent months a lot of things came to light when he finally saw what I've been telling him for YEARS!!! The enmeshment between himself and his mom because of her not great marriage to his dad. The expectations she had of me to drop everything, be at EVERY family function/holiday and pretty much serve her every need along with the other DILs. But how it caused a rift and got me ostracized because I had boundaries. My logic was, if I don't tolerate this behavior from my very conservative parents (who wanted a sub-servant daughter 😅), why would I allow this from my in laws. SMH...… All to say that I appreciate this video because it affirms that I'm not crazy. 😵💫 GURL I miss your older vids when you were holding that corded mic being extra! lol And yes, I'd like to know the crazy stories you come up on. GO KNIGHTS!!!! (If you know you know)
UCF~~~ and ahhh yeah that sounds quite difficult. Luckily he saw what you had been telling him. Hopefully since he knows he can set more boundaries. ❤❤
That’s probably different in every Mexican family because I am also married to a first generation Mexican and I am also Puertorriqueña and that not my experience with my mother in law. I absolutely love her she is my best friend and I love staying with my in-laws more than my own mother. She does everything for us when we come to much sometimes and I feel guilty and try to help out as much as she lets me and I wish I could live closer to her. Every culture has there own kind of mother in law. Sorry you had such bad experience with yours but it not part of their culture been married for 26 years and know many of them since we stay we them whenever we can and see a lot of his families.
@@ileanarosas9844no it is part of the culture. The son is the most important child and his wife has to be aware of that and put him on a pedestal like the mother does. By extension his family should also be the most important thing. But yes the MIL doing everything is very common (boys rarely do anything domestic - kind of like what she said about Korean sons!) but in the culture it can be also viewed as she HAS to do it because his wife is falling short and nobody can do it better than his mother... If she never lets you do anything that may be how people on the outside view you without you realizing it.
My father is Mexican and my mother was British. And omg how badly I'm looked at if I don't want to go to EVERY single event someone is planning. I remember hating my 15th an16th birthdays, because my grandmother demanded everyone get me a present and come to the party. It made me feel terrible because I knew they didn't want to be there.
@@sharigarcia1306 maybe in your experience but not in many many that I have seen It is not good to judge a whole race by your experience I travel to Mexico and to border where the majority are Mexican and that not the case.In Puerto Rico where I was born and raised some family considered the sons more important but that not cultural in Puerto Rico like I said I been around Mexican for more then 26 years.
Whewww emotional enmeshment and feelings of obligation to parents is a painfully cross-cultural and seemingly generational thing. Our parents have an obligation to get us to adulthood (cause we ain’t ask to be here). We have to be our own people with our own lives after that, and boundaries are soooo important in the process. My therapist and I are working so hard to break the cycle so I don’t pass these difficult feelings onto any future kids.
I think I got really lucky in my Korean marriage. His family members are all close to each other but they all set boundaries with each other and mind their own business. If I ever have an issue, he verbalizes it and everybody accepts. We aren’t perfect for sure. By no means are we perfect cause our arguments be crazy but I’m glad his family isn’t directly involved in our marriage. Also, Megan, I’m from Georgia too! ❤
@@MrsMeganMoon Hi Megan, hope you don't mind me chiming in, but I think a mix of light and serious topics would be good. I'm older, I don't have children, nor am I married, but I truly enjoy your chats like this, and your content just because of your delivery and perspective. Not to mention I was stationed at Osan AB twice, and I love Korean food so much that I've learned how to cook it. I buy banchan from my International Supermarket though. 😊 Possible Topics: -Self-care and trying new things -Women's roles in society - Books or Movies you've seen - Friendships - Art and Museums - Things you miss about home Honestly, I think you might want to leave American topics out 😬 cause I'm sure you know we're going through it here. Everyone is so divided that we can't even talk to each other anymore. It's sad. Anyway, hope this helps. Take care!💙
I married an Korean and I went to therapy because of my korean MIL. The therapy's advice helped us a lot, but she is supper traditional. I am supper grateful that my other in-laws come to help me. They do remind my MIL that she needs to be nice and she needs to stop being controlling. You covered a lot of what I had to face. The status structure in the family is very scary.
As a therapist and someone who takes in Korean content, I greatly appreciate the historical and cultural impact you provide in this video as I feel Americans are very quick to criticize and judge the norms of other countries without empathizing with the context.
Agree - this is another pandemic. It's every where; I think it's a survival mentality. Gratitude is not abusive and voluntary. Guilt triping adult children to obey their parents makes a miserable life for the children. No it I know why it had to be written in scriptures, "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh". in other words parents should not be budding into their childrens marriages. Advise as needed and when asked. and dont demand financial support, children dont ask to be born. Too many entitle parents out here.
In Latin America is the same thing. Sons are expected to prioratize their mother's and their family over their wife's. If they don't parents and other family members will guilt the sons specially into thinking that they are been ungrateful.
Another aspect I think we need to talk about is how to better help young men cope with stress and change. From USA to S.Korea there have been appalling news and evidence of forums spreading harmful ideologies and resentment. It mostly leads to believing women are the problem and harming them in attempt to take power from them.
@@MrsMeganMoon I appreciate you taking time to acknowledging this comment and considering it. I know this topic isn’t pleasant at all but I truly hope that we can handle it in a healthy way for all of us.
I told my fiancé straight up: I’m not your kin keeper. I noticed the phenomena of women being the default communicators for their husbands through my sister in law. Why is she responding to all the group chats and providing updates about them contacting HIS grandparents??? So WILD. It’s so normalized that when I brought it up with my fiancé he didn’t see anything weird about it. You know what is weird tho? The fact that it’s not normal for men to do it for their wives’ parents.
This is true even with boomers I stopped speaking for my husband bc my parents nitpicked stuff about him his parents couldn’t speak English but were bothered and used an older sister in law to harass me instead. Lucikly they don’t live with us anymore so finally I can be myself and be there for my family
@@purplelove3666 I’m confused. My fiancé and I are fine lol. We were setting expectations based on how we see his SIL operates. But I appreciate your concern because that will never be me lol
This could be my own story with my MIL who was from Italy. These are common problems with an unhealthy mother/adult child relationship. Moving across the country helped everyone.
God said for this reason a man will leave his mother and father and Cleve to his wife. So after marriage the husband and wife is one flesh. It is so wrong and so sad for the parents to put that pressure and burden on their children.I do pray and hope that the culture will change. So glad that ur talking about it. I pray God blessing for you and your family.
God also said ""Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression." --1 Tim. 2:11-14
Am so sorry, but with all due respect this scripture that you are quoting have nothing to do with the topic at hand. This topic is about marriage partners and children.
Okay so ur a saying that the word of God is not true. Well that is ur opinion. Which u can have. But my encouragement was not to u it was to the young woman who made the video.And u not believe in God or his words or the Bible doesn’t not change the fact that he exists
That was such an elaborate video essay. I love seeing somebody actually explaining the background and causes instead of only focusing on the ''symptoms''
Great Video! I am in a german /turkish marriage and noticed a lot of similarities between korean and turkish culture. I love that my husband always knew how to set boundaries and yet keep the family values that are good and beneficial. At the end of the day it is all about empathy and understanding.
Something you said in the beginning of this video, about how “you don’t say what’s negative about what’s happening”, and ESPECIALLY when you’re a foreigner- I’ve been here about three years now and that has by far been the most stressful part of everything. It just makes it so much more depressing and lonelier, especially as an American who came from a place where you are supposed to speak out about those types of things. Also its not even like I’m saying Korea is bad or like I’m actively trying to change something- I’m just having hard time and need to talk about it or sometimes even just make a small comment of complaint because that honestly calms me down so much… but its always taken the wrong way so I just always bottle it up. It’s just so bad for my health. I really wish more people would speak out about it… ;-; Thank you for talking about it 💗
Wow! this video dethroned the fantasy of marrying a Korean man. From things we see on family RUclips channels or Tv, and Movies, it all appears so good. This is a very necessary dose of reality.
A lot of good points in this video. When I learned that married women do not get their husband’s last name; it said a lot to me. It’s almost like ostracizing the woman from the family. Also I’ve seen many couples refer to each other as so and so’s dad instead of more endearing terms. Personally I feel like just calling my husband “Megan’s dad”, shows we don’t have an intimate relationship. If you ever watch 미운 우리 새끼, most of the mothers there do not have an intimate relationship with the dads. And even in their 80s; they’re still yearning for some affection but on the flip side of that; they still want their children to marry which is wild to me. They speak openly about basically not enjoying or ever enjoying their marriages and are confused why their children aren’t rushing to get married. Imagine you and Mr. Moon being married for over 50 years and you’ve never heard ILY, never given a gift, never told hbd. Glad you have your boundaries and clearly express them. Did the same with my husband and thank God he’s supportive and understand.
Taking the husband’s last name is just not something done in East Asia. China, Korea, Japan, even SE Asia in Indonesia it just isn’t the done thing. And it’s not about marriage, but the fact that changing one’s name is a huge legal process and has to go in front of a judge and give a reason why.
Thanks for the 411. don’t plan on getting married again. I was married to Mexican Portuguese ma’am and wasn’t as intense as what you’re speaking, but it was fairly intense. I always appreciate your time and energy, but let’s talk about that cute outfit that you’re wearing. Love the color love the blue top and the pants. Can Mr. Moon make more outfits for you and the kids and if you were to come to America, would he be able to design things just curious🩵💜
The way the male/husband aspect of a married couple in SK is, reminds me very much of an American-Pakistani friend of mine. Even though he's American, all of the aspects of a S. Korean man/husband is similar to what is required of him and how he operates in relationships. He dated my best friend for 3 years, and you described what their relationship was like and what he told her she should expect if they married. They're not together anymore.
I saw somewhere that the word for a wife in Korean used to be "집사람" which litterally means "a house/home person".. So that propably also tells something about what the role of a wife atleast used to be..
@@snowps1 It is different cause in Korean "house/home person" is the word for "a wife" in general. In English someone can be a "house wife" for some years when the kids are small and then go to work and then she is not "a house wife" anymore. So in English "a wife" is a wife in general and then you can be a "working wife" or a "house wife" or what ever.. So in English the "house" here just defines what kind of a wife we are talking about. In Korean "house/home person" is the basic word for "a wife", so just for every and any wife.
@@kpt002 my mom has worked her whole life, but my dad still calls her a 집사람 on purpose to seem as if he's the sole money maker for the family and make people think that she has had an easy life, which is far from the truth.
It’s same in my community- Orthodox Jewish. There are many stereotypes about “the Jewish mother in law” and none of them are nice 😂 it stems from a culture of “owing your life to your parents” and I’m glad it hasn’t affected my life personally.
My son is 17. He is going to university this weekend. He can cook, clean etc. I am not worried about him coping when he is in uni. We really need to train our kids well.
I live in Canada, and have had chronic pain since I was 20 (I’m 35 currently). One of the reasons I felt I needed to avoid relationships and marriage is because, as a partially disabled woman, I couldn’t work, cook, clean AND take care of kids. Not even on my best day. Even here, the women tend to take on so much more, I can only imagine what it’s like in Korea.
Hey Megan, I live in Japan. I’m married to a Japanese. Japan and Korea are similar in nearly everything. All that you’ve said applies to Japan as well. Japanese people don’t express themselves. They repress their emotions. I’ve seen the fights in subways and train stations as well. My husband works until 9:00pm nearly everyday. Yeah, Korean culture is so similar to Japanese. I could go on and on about it.
Me, being an outsider, can clearly see all of these family dynamics you are speaking of. I started watching Asian dramas about 4 years ago and I learned a lot especially from the period dramas. Even the modern day drama series shows the mother or grandmother ruling the roost .
We still struggle with our in-laws even living in America. A place where no contact and boundary setting is much more normalized. I very much enjoyed this video. Though I may not have to deal with the extremities that sometimes come with foreign parents, I very much appreciate this entire video and education on the matter. We would all love to be as close to our families as possible, including those we marry into. I think this shines a light on the fact that its not always as simple as societal expectations make it seem. Your immediate family and your partner should always be just as much a priority as your parents/siblings, if not more so. Thank you Megan. Love you since forever.
I'm sad the people have to deal with this. My MIL I think hated me because she believed I was taking her son away. She's kind to me now after I gave birth to our daughter. Offers to help me with Fia all the time and even offers a lot of assistance now. I have a feeling that she still doesn't care for me or at least I think she doesn't. After 9 years I think time showed her that I never wanted to steal her son from her. I've also never been set out prevent him from interacting with her.... I can only hope that things get even better.
Hi Megan! Thank you for shining light on these kinds of subjects :) I’m moving to Korea in January and, although I’ve lived there for short bursts, I feel like I need to really prepare for long term life in Korea. Please keep releasing these kinds of videos! It helps me (and probably many others) very much ❤
I love aspects of Korea; I love the food, the media, the language, the transport is so good, it's so fun to visit, there's so much cool stuff and it's a beautiful country, but the more I learn about Korean culture, the more i'm like "y'all live like this?". Of course my own culture has bad points, but I think these darker aspects of Korean culture sound sooo hard to deal with
It's quite interesting how many cultures have so much in common. I, as a Ghanaian daughter, resonate so much with the first 20 mins of this video . The universal guilt of many children from many different cultures feel torwards their parents are insane. Remember, people, we are the next parents. let's all do better
I am a single mom by choice, so I have been my son's sole parent from birth. This type of family is still relatively uncommon in the US, and I know would be extremely rare in some other countries. Because I went into this situation knowing that there was not another adult in the family, I try to be very self-aware of the fact that my son is my child and not my partner, especially as he grows older. My son is 17 and is in the middle of applying to colleges for next year. He hopes to go out of state because he wants the experience living in another region. I also went to school in another state, and I am encouraging him to do this, just like my mom did with me. (I am the youngest of 5, so while I am very close with my mom, when I left for college, she was like, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!") What's interesting is how others have reacted to this information. I have even had people ask if I am going to move with my son to be near him while he is in college. I have to explain that is my job to get him ready to go out in the world, not his job to be my life's companion. He is already at the age where he is focused on his friends and school activities, so I have already had to adjust to his focus changing. And I'm sure it will be an even bigger adjustment when he leaves next year, and I will feel lonely. But I consider that my issue to handle -- and my job to find other positive activities and relationships to fill that void. My son and I do have conversations that when I am very old, I will likely need to live near him, so he can help care for me. However, he understands that this will (hopefully) not be a necessity for several decades. But, for now, he deserves to go out and explore the world and start his life guilt-free.
I appreciate you SO much for speaking on this. I think more people experience this than talked about. So bravo to you for sharing this. I hope everyone will find it as helpful and also encouraging as I did. 👏🏼👏🏼
MEGAN!!! I grew up (partially) in CLAYTON COUNTY!!! my mom was a substitute teacher and she subbed at that school.... I'm pretty sure it would've been my HS but my mama passed when I turned 8 and my dad moved us to NC. I went to Suder Elementary. I think I'm a few years older than you, I'm 38, but it's CRAZY to think we could have been school mates. I've never met anyone else from GA who lived there. I spent nearly 6 years living in Taiwan so I thought that's why I felt connected to you (and obvs the namesake) but now I feel it even more!! Just love you and this is so exciting to find out ❤❤❤ fellow Georgia 🍑 here
I saw a study that was done in Korea recently, that said that 45% of Koreans have anger issues, which is not surprising. Being able to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important to be a healthy individual. So, being unable to really express yourself is extremely detrimental to your overall wellbeing. Hopefully the current, and younger generations in Korea will be able to share their emotions in a healthier way, and be able to stand up for themselves without feeling guilty or guilted into being a crutch for their parents.
Hi Megan! I am loving this content. My partner is Thai, and I have the same in-law issues you described in the video. I often find myself asking my partner “Why do you care about making your mom upset, more than you care about making me upset?” Learning how to encourage the boundary setting is a slowwww work in progress. We need a support group 😂
absolutely LOVE these types of videos from you! you're so well spoken and everything you say is incredibly respectful. I know this is important to you, so I want to emphasize how amazingly respectful and well researched this whole talk felt.
I'm from eastern europe and I see many similarities regarding communication. I think it's not as usual as in Korea and probably has diferent cause. However I see it in my family that people are not able to talk about anything meaningful but weather or express their feelings. No-one wants to burden or bother anyone and then they explode or even become alcoholics. Very good take on this, made me think a lot about my behaviour and people around me. Edit: And also I absolutely love how you don't say anything in a judgemental way! There are reasons people are who they are and reasons for their behaviour and you are describing everything very respectufully.
I have to say my son puts his wife first. Actually, I respect them for that. I know that even if she's guilty, there's no point in mentioning it to my son because he will side with her no matter what. Marriage is so hard for women, no matter the culture. Women who are married have a more difficult life than single women. Married women in the west have to work a job, cook ,clean and take of the children and often with no help from the husband. This is part of the reason some women today are opting out of marriage and children. Marriage benefits men, not women. If it's an unhappy marriage, just get out. Don't spend a lifetime in misery. And sometimes you have to cut ties with the family members who cause you so much pain.
yes you definitely take a risk getting married. i just hope that if I ever do, i will have some some serious vetting and research and detective work before I say I do
I don't agree that single women have it easier than married women, but for sure we can since we chose to not get married which saves us from any of the challenges surrounding married life. There are other expectations that can often fall on a single woman bc of the fact that she doesn't have a husband and kids. Others may think of her as being "free" and may consider asking her to unload some of their burden. In particular from parents, siblings, and/or extended family. And the dynamics are different (and unreasonable) when dealing with elders and other adults. I'd actually take a husband and kids over that any day.
What a great video, Megan! I love when you just chill and chat, and this topic was crazy intriguing. I kind of knew it was this way but like you said it gets romanticized when it really sounds like a nightmare. Thanks for sharing!
Random facts I love seeing Mr. Moon love/dote on you. I know he is working (working is super important mom of 4 myself with a working hubs) but I enjoyed the videos where he was supportive of you, but he is obviously not a pushover. Also housework is hell all around the world. Over here trying to figure out how I’m gonna pay someone to help keep up with housework.
I’m married and we are both Mexican descent and lemme tell you it’s the same! My mother in law would hug so much it was annoying. My husband is a sweetheart and he would not say anything till he even got annoyed. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning and you might come out looking bad and hostile but it’s necessary and you’ll thank yourself later. I’m almost four years married and we aren’t as close to my in laws like before but honestly I feel stress free 😅 but sometimes moms don’t realize that they are what they fear bc they too were once having to deal with their mother in law.
I like those kind of videos. It shows Korea is not only sunshine and rainbows. And a marriage is hard work, even more so when cultural differences are at play as well. And you are kind of caught in the middle. Keeping your own parents and family far away happy and having a good relation with your in laws. Even when there are no cultural differences there might be tension between the two because one side feels they get more attention then the other. You especially can see that when children are involved. That one set of parents babysit more then the other and such. And I recently saw a video of a women who left her husband due domestic violence and her mother in law took her son from her and she hasn't seen her child in months. I'm like how could you as a mother do that to an other woman?! But this shows a side of Korean family dynamics I was mostly unaware and I guess that mother in law felt entitled to have that child because it's her sons child.. which is crazy.
This attitude is very prevalent in all culture. You ever see Everybody loves Raymond? Sure, it was a fictional comedy - but there's lots of truth in it too.
I'm Mexican and a lot of these issues are also present in our culture. Thankfully young people are starting to set healthy boundaries. My son isn't married yet and I hope to be a non-interfering mother in law if that time should come..
This is so weird because, I literally thought that this didnt apply to me as a swedish woman. In swedish culture, most of the time this is not really the case at all. As a very individualistic country we are not expected to take care of our parents that way. In my experience, in laws dont really have that much power either. HOWEVER, I just realized that my partners mother and grandmother actually communicate through me when my partner doesnt respond fast enough, and it definitely doesnt happen the other way around.. my parents would never contact him like that and expect him to make plans to meet. So my initial assumption was partly wrong... It frustrates me how even in women born in the late 80s and 90s we accept certain norms without even thinking about it. But as you said Megan, we're all just a product of our culture. 😵💫
@@bolanleadisa 100% agree. And even though I don't personally experience it as harshly as in other countries, it still pains me to see it happen to women all around the world. 😔💔
A lot of the time when two people start a relationship, the man doesn't feel the need to keep up with things anymore. I noticed that (from the people I know) it is always the woman that knows all birthdays, anniversaries, doctors visits, important dates ... the men start to become clueless and rely completely on the woman. That goes for in laws as well. Suddenly the man can't communicate with his own family and the woman is the one that needs to keep up with what is going on and do a lot of the communication. Of course there are couples that don't do this, but all of the relationship that I see are like that or even worse. I know men that don't even pick out their clothes to wear in the morning 😅
@@bolanleadisa I wouldn't call that particular example misogyny though. Women are just better at communicating and managing life overall so her inlaws contacting her is probably just because she gets things done.
@@Olivaro10 that’s an assumption in many cultures. However, there is no biological reason why a woman would be better at those things and a man wouldn’t. Even if one partner is better at communication etc it shouldn’t just be placed on them. The responsibilities should be shared.
♥️Wow,In all your getting get understanding. Understanding the culture of your spouse is absolutely important. Thank you for taking the time to share this!♥️
Thanks for sharing Megan! I just want to clarify the meaning of hyodo, it isn't about giving back to parents what they spent raising the children, hyodo can be defined as the duty to serve one's parents well and to take good care of them. It's just that there are parents that make ill use of the interpretation and "abuse" their children to suck them dry...not all parents interpret the same way. Hyodo being an important cultural rule of the korean society, it does create guilt within children especially when the parents have "gaslighted" them into believing they "owe" them. It is twisted...thankfully none of my grandparents are like that and my parents definitely aren't that way.
It's so interesting you talking about this. I feel like it's not talked about enough. I'm from nz and come from a nz I Dian background. But I married into a malaysian Chinese culture. And this "pay back " concept is very much present in the Chinese malaysian culture which has taken awhile to accept. The hardest one is that the mum relies on the son for emotional support . It becomes very weird and confusing and stressful on the marriage because u feel second all the time with your husband
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I'm going through a divorce right now and even though we both live in the US, my husband was born in Korea. This really helps put into context a lot of the struggles we had. I already knew a lot of steamed from the culture he was raised in (as we are all influenced), but knowing that we're not alone in these kinds of situations is a comfort.
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A psychologist told me that sometimes when a mother in law have a bad relationship with a daughter in law is because this matriarch woman is not emotionally healed and whole. She spent most of her life raising her son like a single mother at the same time not receiving the love and attention from her husband. She unconsciously creates pseudo- husband image using her son as her character. So, when another woman (daughter in law) comes in the picture is as if she has invaded her territory. She ends up resenting her daughter in law. which is where the aggression comes from.
I've heard this too as well
I'm korean, & this is what I've also heard from a Korean counsellor too. "Pseudo-husband"
So they are slightly pedoing on their own kid in a less sexual more emotional way???
This is called a jacinta complex I think
My ex's mother was exactly like this. It is such a nightmare to deal with.
Wow, she is 100% on this.....I grew up in a conservative Korean family, as a first-generation American this still applies. As a man, I understood these things instinctively, almost like a bird flying north without knowing why. However, I didn’t have the language to express it as clearly as you did, so I truly appreciate your insight. I’m also getting married this December to my wonderful fiancée, who is not Korean but African-American. There was a lot of resistance from my parents, but I stood firm in my decision and through prayer, we are getting married with their blessing~( Lord, really showed himself in our relationship, another story there). Knowing what to expect and how to navigate will truly help.
RUclips Love Withstanding. Korean husband with a cute wife, who's non-Korean. Cute little daughters. Follow them as same situation.
Congratulations on loving a Black woman… they are historically very strong and loving women!❤
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
Congratulations and many blessings to you and fiancée.
I would love to hear your story, not just bc I am an African-American woman, but because it is encouraging to hear any positive stories about marriage.
I think this is becoming a worldwide issue with mothers holding on to their adult sons. I am married to one, thank God my husband does not take her nonsense and put a quick stop to it. They feel entitled to their son's money, house and time.
We pay my mom in laws car note. But I’m okay with it because I actually like my mom in law. We’re really good friends! I even call her mom.
In my culture, parents raise you for you to take care of them. You are expected to buy their groceries and give them money once you start working, the daughters proitise their families ( parents) more than the husbands parents. The mother in law is usually mean to the daughter in law and act like they are in a competition for attention with the son
Same 🙄 my mother-in-law (she's Chinese) even took my husband to get his hair cut really short the week before our wedding. Was it the end of the world? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Did I cry? Yes
We're still happily married but my mother-in-law sees my husband as her property.
Yeah their Moms are annoying af. . .
@@cynthiamusonda9210 gross. that's the worst when you're not only in a relatinship with your partner but your first and foremost in a relationship with his mother. I'd leave ASAP.
I'm SOOOOO GLAD that my Korean MIL does not live that give backwards mind frame. When we try to do something simple for her, she will straight up tell us "I raised my son, do better than my husband and I" she never wanted to hold him back. But as the daughter in law, I give back by giving my time to her and she is funny in her Daegu ascent lol
I asked her once on how she love. She said she learned it because it was not given to her back in the early 60's in Korea being the oldest child, she didn't get that love. So she vowed to be different.
I think I love your MIL, too. I hope I get one like HER, but I'd probably get on her nerves by kinda "spoiling" her. **giggles** You're a lucky girl!
She sounds so sweet💞
@@chrystianaw8256 she really is and I'm thankful for her!
She probably genuinely loves her son and doesnt just see him as ATM. i swear a lot of asian parents don't actually love their children they just "did what they were supposed to do" which back then was have kids.
Awww, that's great. Breaking the cycle is important. I'm the cycle breaker in my family, I'm the oldest everything. So I carried alot of expections on my shoulders, but I always fought for respect something my parents taught me,. the speaking up for myself and anything I dont think is ok. Its just part of my personality. My husband is Peruvian , I'm Domimican and his Peruvian family is very much tribe like family.if it was for them we will all live in one house. They are very close ( my family as well) and the oldest of the family, is very opinated about how her kids and grandkids should live their life, but since I joy this family I made it clear ( in a respectful way) that the moment my husband chose me to be his wife, we became a family of our own. If I need or want an opinion I'll ask for it. 😂😂 my husband grandma wanted a key to our apartment, "in case" we forget our keys in the apartment. I said, it's okay, we can call the building office. My mother in-law is good she also believes that merried people should live on their own ect. She loves to party so she once made her own list of friends to my sons birthday party, and that was the last time she did that. I don't make a list of people I want in your party's please dont invite people to my party that I don't know. I been merried for 13 years now, so we all know how we are around here,what we like and don't like. I get along with everyone, even with matriarch pushy grandma lol. I like that she's straightforward and has learned that im not someone who let's other push her around.
my Korean friend told me that he thinks that Korean relationships lack a lot of love. But now i understand what he meant
*I knew Mr. Moon was a boundary setter. Megan don't listen to the people who reside in La La Land or might gaslight you for speaking about differences in cultures. It is important in any society to be honest, candid and transparent. We love Korean dramas but most of us wouldn't want to live in one.* 💙💙
That's right!!!🙌🏻
Sometimes I can’t even get through watching the dramas because of the blatant acceptance of abuse. That culture of abuse of prevalent in many African countries too and I HATE IT. Even when there is abuse, we must at least be honest enough to admit it. If we never acknowledge what it is, then change will never happen.
🎉we were shocked. Korean dramas showed physical abuse, fathers on sons, employers on employees! Stop!
Do not show this abuse as a norm.😑
@@anonymousone9699 African Women?😅 Really? I'm African from Kenya and Non would take that shit😅
@@CYDER-cv3ykI mean I'm Kenyan as well and we do have our Ls here
GET THIS WOMAN A PODCAST 👏👏
I'd listen all day
I second this 🙌🏾
Let's manifest this
Yes please!
Yes!!! I really enjoy this
Mid 40's Korean mama here of 3 sausages....I get asked all the time what my biggest advice is for young people getting married...my answer is always the same... Right now, for a single person your nuclear family consists of you, your parents and your siblings. When you choose to marry, that dynamic changes and your nuclear family becomes you, the partner you married and the children you welcome into your lives. Your parents and your siblings become your extended family, like your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Protect your new nuclear family and build a firm foundation with your partner for it. Don't let ANY ONE from your extended family on either side make you choose between your nuclear family and the rest. Always stand by the nuclear family you are building.
Exactly! Thank you for saying my mind and the truth. People must get this straight! If not, no matter who you are, MIL, son, wife, etc., you will suffer. It’s simply against the principality.
Better yet, don't be nuclear. Extended family is exactly what Westerners lack.
Love it!! That's exactly how I think, and always let it known.
3 sausages???😭🤣
@@JoyBear김 yup! Mama of 3 sausages is me ☺️ my boys think it's hysterical lol
I commend Mr Moon for choosing and setting the tone with boundaries for your family. But most importantly Megan he’s breaking cycles for your children’s children children. Generations will be transformed as result of both of your boundaries and choices.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This is Asian culture in general. Wives are treated less than which is wild because the mother-in-law that is demanding was once a young wife who wasn’t treated well herself and knows how it feels. It’s full circle not in a good way.
Yes. Luckily there are many MIL who don’t want to pass on the trauma and decide to be different. Most people do but it’s hard for them to get out of the habits. And it’s a spectrum. Some are really extreme and some are just mild cases. But most people want to stop that trauma it seems. So it’s hopeful that with this generation it won’t be passed on to the previous one.
Excellent video! Very informative!
Most MIL in Korea who are over 60 have suffered in some degree under their own demanding MIL. And their due reward was gonna be that they get to lord over their own DIL ley are older. But now the society has changed & they are not supposed do that. So they feel like they suffered without getting compensated.
@@musicbkim What a toxic way of looking at it. So the MIL is supposed to take out all their aggression on their DIL. It's continuing a cycle of abuse. I'm lucky my mom who is in her late 60s (Non Korean Asian) viewed her bad experiences as something to learn from and not repeat for the next generation. She always felt we all have a choice to break the cycle. She once told me that parents are not perfect and that they sometimes makes mistake. That parents' views are limited by what they know or how they were raised so I need to think for myself what is right for me because parents doesn't always know what's right. I hope more Korean MIL decide to break the cycle or abuse.
@@gin170 The majority have changed or are changing. It's a minority who are still trying to be bossy or demanding. Then there are degrees of being demanding. So one might consider as being demanding may not be seen as demanding to others. But there are generally a bit more expectations for the DIL or a couple to do with the parents in law. It's usually worse when the MIL is a single parent and the son is the only son/child.
You always share everything about Korea- even the bad parts. I respect you so so much for handling this with grace, understanding, and cultural knowledge! I am so proud to be a fan 💜
Thanks for watching and supporting ❤❤❤❤
Now I understand why kdramas always have the evil mother in law... It's genuinely a horrible reality for so many women in korea.
Edit: I never meant that ALL mother in laws in Korea are like this just because Kdramas portray it in this way. Megan herself has very caring and lovely in laws. It's just because the trope exists so much in Asian dramas, that it must be an underlying social problem within our culture. As one comment said, tone the kdramas down, and it's quite realistic for some.
yeah the way Korean women are expected to parent and just Korea's toxic gender roles in general creates these toxic entitled kind of parents and the worst kinds of fathers, birthing toxic entitled children into the world via terrible misogynistic "wisdom" passed down generationally. It's a pattern that needs to be broken but the majority of their society would have to be aware of their issues in the first place.
Most families are not like the kdramas nowadays. They are mostly exaggerated to make it more sensational. But if you toned it down a bit it could be quite realistic for some Korean ppl, although those cases are rapidly disappearing now. This also makes it difficult for the mother-in-laws, because they've suffered under their own mother-in-law when they were young, but there is no compensation for their suffering. Traditionally, their due reward for their suffering was supposed to be lording over their own DIL when they eventually get one. But now that they have a DIL, the society has changed & they are not supposed to demand anything from their son or DIL, but just to help them out with the grandchildren.
@@musicbkim what do you mean they get nothing for how badly they were treated!? They should get therapy, not go on to ruining another life and marriage.
Look up 'Courtney the enthusiast' Her MIL was more evil than in any K drama you've ever seen.
Yes in Secret Garden she was so evil till the end.
I've had this. I've been on holiday with my in-laws where they have literally shouted at my husband for spending too much time with me. His sister even referred to me as his wife rather than use my name. His sister and mother even told him he was disrespectful for spending so much time with me on our wedding day! Luckily my husband will stand up for me, but it really took me by surprise at first. I feel like, as a daughter in law, you're always an outsider.
Omg 😳
Isn't it logical that he's spending time with you. You're his wife
@@wealldieinsomniarmy2806 I think they just wanted me out of the way. I honestly feel like I'm just a burden to them. I don't know why because I love their son/brother, we are happily married and have a family together. I don't know if they perceive me as some kind of threat.
@@jnd5706 Did your husband use to spend money on them or help them out with things before marrying you?
@@lugi_L Nope, not at all. His family are very well off.
OMG Megan this is the best explanatory video about Korean men and their marriages that I have ever seen anywhere hands down!!! This is a spot on dead accurate analysis. It should be mandatory for all women from across the globe to watch your video BEFORE they ever think about accepting a proposal from a Korean men or apply for a marriage license, or better yet, before they ever step foot on a plane headed to S. Korea!!! Heck forget about watching K-dramas, just direct all women to this video for the best crash course on all things Korea. Bravo to your cliff notes on the nature of Korean men and their family obligations.
Whew! If I closed my eyes and didn't read the video title, I SWEAR you were talking about Nigerian marriage culture *chills*✨️
I’ve heard it could be like that there also~
I was about to make this comment
😢
MY FRIEND
You are not wrong 🫠
Welll, I was into Korean culture, being a Nigerian American, I had an inkling that Korean and Nigerian culture was similar
Now I'm convinced that that's the case. Now to see why 🤣
i have heard someone say that Koreans are the Asian Nigerians and it's so true!
I won the lottery and married into an accepting and open-minded Korean family, where the in-laws are highly accepting of me as a foreigner. 💛
Sharing my experience, I've noticed that loss of Korean traditions and culture is also a sad consequence of the trauma from generational gap and family expectations.
My MIL is overly sensitive about not making me uncomfortable or having any expectations to me, and she explained this is because she was traumatized by her MIL's strict expectations and basically treating her like a servant. They cut off contact with that part of the family before I was introduced, but sadly these traumas made the family completely distance themselves from family traditions and ceremonies. 😢
Interestingly, it was only when I was introduced to the family (who do not associate the culture with trauma and hardship), that they started re-implementing some traditions such as kimjang and rice cake making - in the spirit of sharing their culture (and not as a chore). 💖
My situation might be a little unique, but I find it very interesting that it is unconventionally 'the foreigner' being the center-point of the continuation of Korean culture (at least the "nice" part of it) ⭐
Love changes things. One day at a time, prayerfully your marriage becomes stronger as more inter culture continues
Lucky!
This is similar to my situation with my korean in laws
That is a good thing you're doing. Healing needs to take place.
It’s also very very different with in laws the second you have kids. It’s difficult because it’s a battle of “what is best “ but in the opinion of who
Yes. It is for sure
its same in Poland with boomer parents 40+ years old, most of them want their children to feel guilty that they are alive XD
Megan, thank you for bringing these issues to the forefront! I've been living in Korea for 6 years and I feel a constant desperation about how everybody ignores talking about social problems (or anything that involves opinions and criticism for that matter). Because the taboo or "uncomfortable" topics extend so much I can only talk with Koreans about food, the weather, or celebrities.
I want you to know this content is EXTREMELY HELPFUL. Please keep making it if possible :')
Thank you for using your platform this way!
I’m from the Middle East and my culture sounds similar to SK when it comes to the in-laws. It’s one of the reasons I married a western man. I love our independent lifestyle and how our small family comes first before the extended family.
That's all great as long as you give your son and his future partners their freedom and independence from you in every way and don't make him feel responsible for you.
@@4everfaithfulun2Himthat’s how it’s going to be. I’m breaking generational cycles here. A husband and a wife becoming one is the way to a bonded happy couple and marriage.
yes. here in America we idealize other cultures, but it is too many people in your relationship
Most non Western cultures are like this
According to Islam we should honor our parents, so you cant just expect your husband to not care for his parents
OMG! My girlfriend told me about a lot of things your talking about. Her husband exploded on his parents, over her. They met in college (him abroad; she's American born Korean) but, his parents had picked a wife for him and they wouldn't except her. Long story short.... he refused to let them control his life, loves her parents (open minded; his closed), decided to return here, married, two children and very happy! Unfortunately.... his family missed out on a wonderful son, beautiful hard-working & kind daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren! Sad because he feels, they sent him abroad and spent money on his education so he could return and give them status umung their peers & community (his words not mine)! But, I think it's time for all this to change change! 😢
Much ♥️ From USA Mom Fan!!
It's the way I've been married to a Korean man in Korea for over 9 years now and NEVER had an issue with the MIL until we had a baby this year. The opinions and judgement are driving me to dislike her even though I thought she was pretty relaxed previously. Thankfully my husband is great at boundaries like yours and not afraid to put his mom in check. Their relationship has never been close though, and he dislikes spending too much time with them. It's kind of sad because I'm sure their bad relationship is going to impact the grandparent relationship with our child too. Our child is 3 months old and they've seen him twice?! I can't imagine my Spanish family choosing to spend so little time with their grandchild like that if they lived less than 1 hr away. I also feel like we can't depend on them for childcare in an emergency like we could with my family. It's probably that whole "Korean men not wanting to burden their parents" thing. Because taking care of their own grandchild would be a burden?? Lord give me patience and help me keep my mouth shut during Chuseok lol!
Married to a Chinese man, exactly the same. When we had our baby the change was brutal.
Yes, I've watched a few RUclipsrs that talked about their partners taking away their kids due to Korean law and siding with the Korean partners..even in abusive relationships. Definitely need more laws to protect the foreigners in those situations
I'm African American and married to a Korean man in America and must say we both really hit the lottery as both of our families from all angles are very accepting and open minded with other cultures and understanding of the cultural differences we each may have. It's been a real blessing but we have many friends who experience the opposite and some even having to end their relationships due to the cultural differences. Just be yourself, be understanding, do research and encourage mindfulness and growth at all times. Be tolerant but don't allow disrespect. First and foremost make sure you and your partner establish these expectations and boundaries from the very beginning. Share your feelings, difficulties and concerns as they occur and respectfully. Do not judge, get to know each other. Your partner is the product of the family or environment and circumstances that helped raise them and these things and people should be understood and respected depending on the circumstance. Stand up for your partner within reason. Don't be afraid to challenge them when necessary. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
I always appreciate how respectful you speak about these topics. you don’t come off judgmental or critical as many would. another great video megan!
Yes, Megan is a gem of cultural understanding and communication. She loves Korea and her family, has very sharp perceptions.
I love your sit down videos! These videos feel like we’re just sitting down chatting with you. I’m Mexican married to a white guy and Mexican marriages and white marriages are so different too. From family in laws to raising kids to taking care of your hubby. Thanks for sharing ❤
What is a “white” marriage?
Like French? Swedish? Texan?
white is not a culture it’s just a skin color
@@pliktl yes thank you!
@@pliktl so you are talking about American originating from Northern Europe? And so “white marriage” refers to Americans originating from Northern Europe? There are plenty of white people in other parts of Europe..include the ones that made you “latinos”
I’m sure people in Belgium, France, UK, Bulgaria Switzerland or other European countries, all approach marriages and life differently. “White marriage” sounds like a made up word. And saying that all white people “hold grudges” sounds like painting all people with the same brush because of their skin color. I’m European btw and I don’t believe white American culture is the same as other European cultures just because the skin color is similar. “white marriages” seriously..
@@4grazy4culture. Not color
@@4grazy4you fitting to ruminate about this
Wife of korean here. Thank you for explaining this so well. It's exactly what I've seen too. Wish their was a korean translation for my husband 😅
Same! Or for my Korean mother in law 😅
Just activate subtitles and translation option to korean
5:01 It's called emotional incest. That's what the term is called its a form of social crutch but yes this is a global issue specifically with the older generations that came from war-torn realities and those war-torn realities ending at the same time that technological explosion and global expansion really made a larger impact compared to the opening of national boarders, but social norms and standards did not catch up or even adapt to the new standards; even today it's difficult to let go of older generations ideals to associate with the new generations raised by technology. I've noticed this generational Gap understanding and it is so stressful but profound if you consider human evolution
I am from Germany and we don't have issues like that. My Boyfriends Mom loves him very much but we can live out life in peace. Our parents put 0 pressure on us. And all of my friends parents have 0 expectations too. I feel no pressure to marry. I can have a child with my partner with oder without marriage. It doesn't matter.
@@Manwasgehtab good for you, but majority of the world is not like that
I would be so interested to see a video about what kinds of life habits/marriage habits/etc Mr Moon has now either developed or had to pick up on/learn from your more western life style with all of the communication/compromise you guys have been able to work on! I feel like it would be so cool to hear what he has learned from the other side too! :)
Not Lovejoy HS in Clayton County, Georgia! I always forget you're a Georgia Peach like me! 😭
😂😂😂😂😂 yassss.
Wait I just made the same comment!!! That would've been my HS! 🏫
Me too❤❤😂
@@MrsMeganMoon rightttt i’m like megan is a peach!!! that’s my girl hey peachesss🤭
@@Megan6772 C’mon fellow Georgia Peach!
As someone married to a Korean American, we still face these same ideas and expectations. We had a lot of turmoil surrounding our wedding because of it. However, I'm extremely lucky my partner will always stand up for me and our relationship. He's set some very stern boundaries and we only meet with his family on big holidays. Its unfortunate because, as someone who has loved and known Korean culture for so long and considering how much I love their son, I would like to have a good relationship with my in-laws, but we both have just come to face the reality. That we will never have that with them and they will not change. Sometimes you have to let people face the consequences of their actions, stand firm to your boundaries & protect your peace, while also working to end that generational trauma when you have kids. Thank you so much for sharing. I also spoke about this with his cousins and they've expressed, even as Koreans marrying into Korean families, they also face a lot of turmoil with their in-laws. It's great to know that this experience is something that is fairly common across the board regardless of whether you're in America or Korea and whether you are a interracial. It sad that its the reality, but its also nice to know you're not alone
I love that this conversation is happening!!! I’ve been married for over 21 yrs (to my Korean-American husband) and I always wondered what other people’s experiences are/were. We live in the US and my in-laws do too! I think this video is so important for anyone who is considering marriage in Korea or to a Korean person who lives abroad because it really does help with managing expectations. Well done, Megan!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I’m so glad you talked about this because many can imagine but they do not realize the cultural factors that can impact a relationship/family.
I’m a single, educated Black woman living in the USA, and I know I am living my best life! I chose not to have children or to stay married to a narcissistic husband. I recently visited Kenya and saw the oppression women faced there. I’m glad to be an American at this time. Psychodynamic therapy truly allowed me to love and appreciate my own value and worth just b/c I am. You can’t tell me bull otherwise either. I was born worthy of everything beautiful that life has to offer, but I’m always reminded of life’s negative aspects. The key is remaining mindful; it’s a constant struggle. Surround yourself with positive people and things. Reflect on or journal your thoughts daily without judgment. It takes practice but it works. You don’t have to get or stay married. You do have to provide support: physically, emotionally and spiritually to and for your children until they are of age. They had no say in being born.
i;m single and feminist and living a peaceful lovely life. Women still don't know they don't need men to oppress them, equality doesn't apply to the majority of couples..
Isn't a negative video.... very informative to those ppl whom might need 2 know & others just learning something they wouldn't have otherwise
It’s been 10 years that I’ve been watching your channel and I contribute it to how well done your videos are and how informational you are. You do a wonderful job and I’m glad you discuss these topics it gives such insight, I appreciate you Megan
As Christians we’re taught to leave our mother and father and cleave to our spouse. We become one, and good parents respect that.
American culture is: give respect, get respect. Respect is merit based, not age/status based.
Both of these feel like the opposite of Korean culture. I’m only seven mins in, but I see why Korean women chose to not marry.
I think this depends on the location you were raised in, your ethnic background, and your subculture. My family is very focused on elders, parents, and the younger generation taking care of the ones who came before them. Respect is given based on age and hierarchy too. Marriage is very much women having to accept nonsense from men and swallow unhappiness for the sake of the family. I grew up in SE Louisiana, and I notice this is similar in certain southern states. What you described isn't common down here.
Yep, American here. My paternal grandmother was terrible to my mom, as she married her "baby boy". We've come to the conclusion no one would have been good enough for my dad in my grandmother's eyes. So my dad moved 5 hrs away with my mom, set boundaries, and my grandma stopped acting the fool.
American mother in laws DEFINITELY act like this too.
@@starzzzy22 yeah but american women have support systems here and our court sides with mothers to that helps alot
Same for us. I've also referenced this verse to my Korean husband just 1 or 2 times. But I won't live locally to his parents. They're Christians too but live in the Korean SoCal bubble. I'm not about to tempt the traditional MIL/DIL dynamic by living close.
I'm not a Korean or a son, but this hits close to home. I'm glad people are discussing normalizing boundaries. It took me awhile, and it's still hard to get use to it.
I know this is specific to Korean culture but I can honestly say this reminds me of my husbands family (he's first-gen Mexican American (M30) and I'm Puerto Rican (F32)). In recent months a lot of things came to light when he finally saw what I've been telling him for YEARS!!! The enmeshment between himself and his mom because of her not great marriage to his dad. The expectations she had of me to drop everything, be at EVERY family function/holiday and pretty much serve her every need along with the other DILs. But how it caused a rift and got me ostracized because I had boundaries. My logic was, if I don't tolerate this behavior from my very conservative parents (who wanted a sub-servant daughter 😅), why would I allow this from my in laws. SMH...… All to say that I appreciate this video because it affirms that I'm not crazy. 😵💫
GURL I miss your older vids when you were holding that corded mic being extra! lol And yes, I'd like to know the crazy stories you come up on.
GO KNIGHTS!!!! (If you know you know)
UCF~~~ and ahhh yeah that sounds quite difficult. Luckily he saw what you had been telling him. Hopefully since he knows he can set more boundaries. ❤❤
That’s probably different in every Mexican family because I am also married to a first generation Mexican and I am also Puertorriqueña and that not my experience with my mother in law. I absolutely love her she is my best friend and I love staying with my in-laws more than my own mother. She does everything for us when we come to much sometimes and I feel guilty and try to help out as much as she lets me and I wish I could live closer to her. Every culture has there own kind of mother in law. Sorry you had such bad experience with yours but it not part of their culture been married for 26 years and know many of them since we stay we them whenever we can and see a lot of his families.
@@ileanarosas9844no it is part of the culture. The son is the most important child and his wife has to be aware of that and put him on a pedestal like the mother does. By extension his family should also be the most important thing. But yes the MIL doing everything is very common (boys rarely do anything domestic - kind of like what she said about Korean sons!) but in the culture it can be also viewed as she HAS to do it because his wife is falling short and nobody can do it better than his mother... If she never lets you do anything that may be how people on the outside view you without you realizing it.
My father is Mexican and my mother was British. And omg how badly I'm looked at if I don't want to go to EVERY single event someone is planning. I remember hating my 15th an16th birthdays, because my grandmother demanded everyone get me a present and come to the party. It made me feel terrible because I knew they didn't want to be there.
@@sharigarcia1306 maybe in your experience but not in many many that I have seen It is not good to judge a whole race by your experience I travel to Mexico and to border where the majority are Mexican and that not the case.In Puerto Rico where I was born and raised some family considered the sons more important but that not cultural in Puerto Rico like I said I been around Mexican for more then 26 years.
This dynamic is one of the reasons the kdrama “Because This Is My First Life” felt so realistic and was a bit controversial.
Whewww emotional enmeshment and feelings of obligation to parents is a painfully cross-cultural and seemingly generational thing. Our parents have an obligation to get us to adulthood (cause we ain’t ask to be here). We have to be our own people with our own lives after that, and boundaries are soooo important in the process. My therapist and I are working so hard to break the cycle so I don’t pass these difficult feelings onto any future kids.
I think I got really lucky in my Korean marriage. His family members are all close to each other but they all set boundaries with each other and mind their own business. If I ever have an issue, he verbalizes it and everybody accepts. We aren’t perfect for sure. By no means are we perfect cause our arguments be crazy but I’m glad his family isn’t directly involved in our marriage. Also, Megan, I’m from Georgia too! ❤
Blessed
I really enjoyed this format of you just sitting down for a chat! You could talk about anything and it would be interesting!
But do you have any particular topics you want or are curious about? Even stuff in America?
@@MrsMeganMoon Hi Megan, hope you don't mind me chiming in, but I think a mix of light and serious topics would be good. I'm older, I don't have children, nor am I married, but I truly enjoy your chats like this, and your content just because of your delivery and perspective. Not to mention I was stationed at Osan AB twice, and I love Korean food so much that I've learned how to cook it. I buy banchan from my International Supermarket though. 😊
Possible Topics:
-Self-care and trying new things
-Women's roles in society
- Books or Movies you've seen
- Friendships
- Art and Museums
- Things you miss about home
Honestly, I think you might want to leave American topics out 😬 cause I'm sure you know we're going through it here. Everyone is so divided that we can't even talk to each other anymore. It's sad. Anyway, hope this helps. Take care!💙
I married an Korean and I went to therapy because of my korean MIL. The therapy's advice helped us a lot, but she is supper traditional. I am supper grateful that my other in-laws come to help me. They do remind my MIL that she needs to be nice and she needs to stop being controlling. You covered a lot of what I had to face. The status structure in the family is very scary.
Thank you for being honest about relationships and all the issues that come with them in Korea.
As a therapist and someone who takes in Korean content, I greatly appreciate the historical and cultural impact you provide in this video as I feel Americans are very quick to criticize and judge the norms of other countries without empathizing with the context.
Girl you opened our eyes. And thank you for letting everyone know there is help in Korea.
This is common in sooooo many cultures, not just Korean.
Yes. This is really commom in Brazil too. 😕
Agree - this is another pandemic. It's every where; I think it's a survival mentality. Gratitude is not abusive and voluntary. Guilt triping adult children to obey their parents makes a miserable life for the children. No it I know why it had to be written in scriptures, "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh". in other words parents should not be budding into their childrens marriages. Advise as needed and when asked. and dont demand financial support, children dont ask to be born. Too many entitle parents out here.
In Latin America is the same thing. Sons are expected to prioratize their mother's and their family over their wife's. If they don't parents and other family members will guilt the sons specially into thinking that they are been ungrateful.
Exactly 💯
Another aspect I think we need to talk about is how to better help young men cope with stress and change. From USA to S.Korea there have been appalling news and evidence of forums spreading harmful ideologies and resentment. It mostly leads to believing women are the problem and harming them in attempt to take power from them.
That’s a great topic that I don’t know much about but I’ll try and research and interview people to get information so we can talk about it
@@MrsMeganMoon I appreciate you taking time to acknowledging this comment and considering it. I know this topic isn’t pleasant at all but I truly hope that we can handle it in a healthy way for all of us.
misogyny is the norm, nothing new
YES DO A NEWS STORY REACTION VIDEO NEXT!!! ❤❤❤
THAT WOULD BE A NICE SERIES AND YOU CAN SHARE TIPS!
I told my fiancé straight up: I’m not your kin keeper. I noticed the phenomena of women being the default communicators for their husbands through my sister in law. Why is she responding to all the group chats and providing updates about them contacting HIS grandparents???
So WILD. It’s so normalized that when I brought it up with my fiancé he didn’t see anything weird about it. You know what is weird tho? The fact that it’s not normal for men to do it for their wives’ parents.
This is true even with boomers I stopped speaking for my husband bc my parents nitpicked stuff about him his parents couldn’t speak English but were bothered and used an older sister in law to harass me instead. Lucikly they don’t live with us anymore so finally I can be myself and be there for my family
@@markigirl2757 I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you continue to protect your peace.
Well now you know now, so will you still marry him?because you can't marry him and then complain later
you found yourself a dud he not husband he a mommys boy cant you find better then that
@@purplelove3666 I’m confused. My fiancé and I are fine lol. We were setting expectations based on how we see his SIL operates. But I appreciate your concern because that will never be me lol
This could be my own story with my MIL who was from Italy. These are common problems with an unhealthy mother/adult child relationship. Moving across the country helped everyone.
The script is unbelievably logical, and the video editing is flawless. My kudos for your efforts! I exit this screen enlightened. Thanks!!
God said for this reason a man will leave his mother and father and Cleve to his wife. So after marriage the husband and wife is one flesh. It is so wrong and so sad for the parents to put that pressure and burden on their children.I do pray and hope that the culture will change. So glad that ur talking about it. I pray God blessing for you and your family.
That was my first thought, that’s why they Bible mentioned this because this enmeshment is so sad for families.
God also said ""Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression."
--1 Tim. 2:11-14
Am so sorry, but with all due respect this scripture that you are quoting have nothing to do with the topic at hand. This topic is about marriage partners and children.
@@alfonsowillock5801 I'm simply pointing out that to follow a book that makes such ridiculous statement is flawed.
Okay so ur a saying that the word of God is not true. Well that is ur opinion. Which u can have. But my encouragement was not to u it was to the young woman who made the video.And u not believe in God or his words or the Bible doesn’t not change the fact that he exists
That was such an elaborate video essay. I love seeing somebody actually explaining the background and causes instead of only focusing on the ''symptoms''
Great Video! I am in a german /turkish marriage and noticed a lot of similarities between korean and turkish culture. I love that my husband always knew how to set boundaries and yet keep the family values that are good and beneficial. At the end of the day it is all about empathy and understanding.
Something you said in the beginning of this video, about how “you don’t say what’s negative about what’s happening”, and ESPECIALLY when you’re a foreigner- I’ve been here about three years now and that has by far been the most stressful part of everything. It just makes it so much more depressing and lonelier, especially as an American who came from a place where you are supposed to speak out about those types of things. Also its not even like I’m saying Korea is bad or like I’m actively trying to change something- I’m just having hard time and need to talk about it or sometimes even just make a small comment of complaint because that honestly calms me down so much… but its always taken the wrong way so I just always bottle it up. It’s just so bad for my health. I really wish more people would speak out about it… ;-; Thank you for talking about it 💗
Wow! this video dethroned the fantasy of marrying a Korean man. From things we see on family RUclips channels or Tv, and Movies, it all appears so good. This is a very necessary dose of reality.
A lot of good points in this video. When I learned that married women do not get their husband’s last name; it said a lot to me. It’s almost like ostracizing the woman from the family. Also I’ve seen many couples refer to each other as so and so’s dad instead of more endearing terms. Personally I feel like just calling my husband “Megan’s dad”, shows we don’t have an intimate relationship.
If you ever watch 미운 우리 새끼, most of the mothers there do not have an intimate relationship with the dads. And even in their 80s; they’re still yearning for some affection but on the flip side of that; they still want their children to marry which is wild to me. They speak openly about basically not enjoying or ever enjoying their marriages and are confused why their children aren’t rushing to get married. Imagine you and Mr. Moon being married for over 50 years and you’ve never heard ILY, never given a gift, never told hbd.
Glad you have your boundaries and clearly express them. Did the same with my husband and thank God he’s supportive and understand.
Taking the husband’s last name is just not something done in East Asia. China, Korea, Japan, even SE Asia in Indonesia it just isn’t the done thing. And it’s not about marriage, but the fact that changing one’s name is a huge legal process and has to go in front of a judge and give a reason why.
oOoOoooOooooh! Let me take notes in case my future husband is Korean! 🇰🇷✍🏾📝
Yes lady~~~~~ please do. Thanks for watching and supporting
@@MrsMeganMoon - I had to pull over but I did! 😃 Thanks again!
It's my absolute pleasure to watch and support! 💐👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Megan, this was a powerful vid. I learned so much more about the Korea culture. Thank you for being so courageous. I’m a fan. 🧡🧡🧡🧡
Lol
Thanks for the 411. don’t plan on getting married again. I was married to Mexican Portuguese ma’am and wasn’t as intense as what you’re speaking, but it was fairly intense. I always appreciate your time and energy, but let’s talk about that cute outfit that you’re wearing. Love the color love the blue top and the pants. Can Mr. Moon make more outfits for you and the kids and if you were to come to America, would he be able to design things just curious🩵💜
I’m a Korean American and this was very eye opening!! Thank you Megan ❤
The way the male/husband aspect of a married couple in SK is, reminds me very much of an American-Pakistani friend of mine. Even though he's American, all of the aspects of a S. Korean man/husband is similar to what is required of him and how he operates in relationships. He dated my best friend for 3 years, and you described what their relationship was like and what he told her she should expect if they married. They're not together anymore.
Good for her.
What you explained is also true in other Asian cultures, and you did a wonderful job explaining everything.
I saw somewhere that the word for a wife in Korean used to be "집사람" which litterally means "a house/home person".. So that propably also tells something about what the role of a wife atleast used to be..
Yes. Some older people still use that term nice heard it many times.
@@MrsMeganMoon I was just imagining how I would feel if my husband introduced me to other people as his "home person".. 😱😱
It's not really any different than the term "house wife" that was common in America not so long ago.
@@snowps1 It is different cause in Korean "house/home person" is the word for "a wife" in general. In English someone can be a "house wife" for some years when the kids are small and then go to work and then she is not "a house wife" anymore. So in English "a wife" is a wife in general and then you can be a "working wife" or a "house wife" or what ever.. So in English the "house" here just defines what kind of a wife we are talking about. In Korean "house/home person" is the basic word for "a wife", so just for every and any wife.
@@kpt002 my mom has worked her whole life, but my dad still calls her a 집사람 on purpose to seem as if he's the sole money maker for the family and make people think that she has had an easy life, which is far from the truth.
It’s same in my community- Orthodox Jewish. There are many stereotypes about “the Jewish mother in law” and none of them are nice 😂 it stems from a culture of “owing your life to your parents” and I’m glad it hasn’t affected my life personally.
Currently setting FIRM boundaries with mines. Thank God 🙏🏿 my hubby supports me and puts my first. Parents have no control over our lives
Mr Moon's parents are so sweet. Can we see an updated video with them?
My son is 17. He is going to university this weekend. He can cook, clean etc. I am not worried about him coping when he is in uni. We really need to train our kids well.
I live in Canada, and have had chronic pain since I was 20 (I’m 35 currently). One of the reasons I felt I needed to avoid relationships and marriage is because, as a partially disabled woman, I couldn’t work, cook, clean AND take care of kids. Not even on my best day.
Even here, the women tend to take on so much more, I can only imagine what it’s like in Korea.
exactly, women suffer everywhere
I think it's so satisfying the way Megan talks with her hands 😂
Hey Megan, I live in Japan. I’m married to a Japanese. Japan and Korea are similar in nearly everything. All that you’ve said applies to Japan as well. Japanese people don’t express themselves. They repress their emotions. I’ve seen the fights in subways and train stations as well. My husband works until 9:00pm nearly everyday. Yeah, Korean culture is so similar to Japanese. I could go on and on about it.
9pm?! Damn
Me, being an outsider, can clearly see all of these family dynamics you are speaking of. I started watching Asian dramas about 4 years ago and I learned a lot especially from the period dramas. Even the modern day drama series shows the mother or grandmother ruling the roost .
This made me cry bc the way you explain it, it sounds like my parents life and mines. Sighh
Oh no :( I’m sorry lady. Hang in there. I hope some changes can happen for you 😢😢
@@annaythao7035 🫂
Same! And I'm western! Very sad that so many marriages were so damaging to the whole family.
I’m married to a Korean man, and this explains so much. Luckily my husband sets boundaries as our marriage is important to him.
We still struggle with our in-laws even living in America. A place where no contact and boundary setting is much more normalized. I very much enjoyed this video. Though I may not have to deal with the extremities that sometimes come with foreign parents, I very much appreciate this entire video and education on the matter. We would all love to be as close to our families as possible, including those we marry into. I think this shines a light on the fact that its not always as simple as societal expectations make it seem. Your immediate family and your partner should always be just as much a priority as your parents/siblings, if not more so. Thank you Megan. Love you since forever.
I'm sad the people have to deal with this. My MIL I think hated me because she believed I was taking her son away. She's kind to me now after I gave birth to our daughter. Offers to help me with Fia all the time and even offers a lot of assistance now. I have a feeling that she still doesn't care for me or at least I think she doesn't. After 9 years I think time showed her that I never wanted to steal her son from her. I've also never been set out prevent him from interacting with her.... I can only hope that things get even better.
Hi Megan! Thank you for shining light on these kinds of subjects :) I’m moving to Korea in January and, although I’ve lived there for short bursts, I feel like I need to really prepare for long term life in Korea. Please keep releasing these kinds of videos! It helps me (and probably many others) very much ❤
I love aspects of Korea; I love the food, the media, the language, the transport is so good, it's so fun to visit, there's so much cool stuff and it's a beautiful country, but the more I learn about Korean culture, the more i'm like "y'all live like this?". Of course my own culture has bad points, but I think these darker aspects of Korean culture sound sooo hard to deal with
Exactly, I'm African and I'm shocked with some of these things I heard in this video. I couldn't manage to deal with all that.
“A man will leave His Father and Mother and cleave to his wife”. Once you’re married your parents have no say in your marriage.
It's quite interesting how many cultures have so much in common. I, as a Ghanaian daughter, resonate so much with the first 20 mins of this video . The universal guilt of many children from many different cultures feel torwards their parents are insane. Remember, people, we are the next parents. let's all do better
I am a single mom by choice, so I have been my son's sole parent from birth. This type of family is still relatively uncommon in the US, and I know would be extremely rare in some other countries. Because I went into this situation knowing that there was not another adult in the family, I try to be very self-aware of the fact that my son is my child and not my partner, especially as he grows older.
My son is 17 and is in the middle of applying to colleges for next year. He hopes to go out of state because he wants the experience living in another region. I also went to school in another state, and I am encouraging him to do this, just like my mom did with me. (I am the youngest of 5, so while I am very close with my mom, when I left for college, she was like, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!")
What's interesting is how others have reacted to this information. I have even had people ask if I am going to move with my son to be near him while he is in college. I have to explain that is my job to get him ready to go out in the world, not his job to be my life's companion. He is already at the age where he is focused on his friends and school activities, so I have already had to adjust to his focus changing. And I'm sure it will be an even bigger adjustment when he leaves next year, and I will feel lonely. But I consider that my issue to handle -- and my job to find other positive activities and relationships to fill that void.
My son and I do have conversations that when I am very old, I will likely need to live near him, so he can help care for me. However, he understands that this will (hopefully) not be a necessity for several decades. But, for now, he deserves to go out and explore the world and start his life guilt-free.
I appreciate you SO much for speaking on this. I think more people experience this than talked about. So bravo to you for sharing this. I hope everyone will find it as helpful and also encouraging as I did. 👏🏼👏🏼
MEGAN!!! I grew up (partially) in CLAYTON COUNTY!!! my mom was a substitute teacher and she subbed at that school.... I'm pretty sure it would've been my HS but my mama passed when I turned 8 and my dad moved us to NC. I went to Suder Elementary. I think I'm a few years older than you, I'm 38, but it's CRAZY to think we could have been school mates.
I've never met anyone else from GA who lived there. I spent nearly 6 years living in Taiwan so I thought that's why I felt connected to you (and obvs the namesake) but now I feel it even more!! Just love you and this is so exciting to find out ❤❤❤ fellow Georgia 🍑 here
Oh wow. Fellow GA🍑 in Asia. How crazy. Sorry to hear about your mom. But I’m glad you are living your best life.
Yes! Tell some crazy stories from Korean inlaws! I think every country have them, but interesting to hear what are issues in there. Great video ❣️
I saw a study that was done in Korea recently, that said that 45% of Koreans have anger issues, which is not surprising. Being able to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important to be a healthy individual. So, being unable to really express yourself is extremely detrimental to your overall wellbeing. Hopefully the current, and younger generations in Korea will be able to share their emotions in a healthier way, and be able to stand up for themselves without feeling guilty or guilted into being a crutch for their parents.
😂😂😂😂😂😂 you could say the same about Russians, Latinos, East Europeans, Blacks, etc.
@szszszsz95395 "Black" is a skincolour not a nationality
@@szszszsz95395 don't forget Nigerians 😂
Hi Megan! I am loving this content. My partner is Thai, and I have the same in-law issues you described in the video. I often find myself asking my partner “Why do you care about making your mom upset, more than you care about making me upset?” Learning how to encourage the boundary setting is a slowwww work in progress. We need a support group 😂
absolutely LOVE these types of videos from you! you're so well spoken and everything you say is incredibly respectful. I know this is important to you, so I want to emphasize how amazingly respectful and well researched this whole talk felt.
I'm from eastern europe and I see many similarities regarding communication. I think it's not as usual as in Korea and probably has diferent cause. However I see it in my family that people are not able to talk about anything meaningful but weather or express their feelings. No-one wants to burden or bother anyone and then they explode or even become alcoholics.
Very good take on this, made me think a lot about my behaviour and people around me.
Edit: And also I absolutely love how you don't say anything in a judgemental way! There are reasons people are who they are and reasons for their behaviour and you are describing everything very respectufully.
I have to say my son puts his wife first. Actually, I respect them for that. I know that even if she's guilty, there's no point in mentioning it to my son because he will side with her no matter what.
Marriage is so hard for women, no matter the culture. Women who are married have a more difficult life than single women. Married women in the west have to work a job, cook ,clean and take of the children and often with no help from the husband. This is part of the reason some women today are opting out of marriage and children. Marriage benefits men, not women. If it's an unhappy marriage, just get out. Don't spend a lifetime in misery. And sometimes you have to cut ties with the family members who cause you so much pain.
yes you definitely take a risk getting married. i just hope that if I ever do, i will have some some serious vetting and research and detective work before I say I do
I don't agree that single women have it easier than married women, but for sure we can since we chose to not get married which saves us from any of the challenges surrounding married life. There are other expectations that can often fall on a single woman bc of the fact that she doesn't have a husband and kids. Others may think of her as being "free" and may consider asking her to unload some of their burden. In particular from parents, siblings, and/or extended family. And the dynamics are different (and unreasonable) when dealing with elders and other adults. I'd actually take a husband and kids over that any day.
This is the most neutral and inoffensive way of explaining this situation. Thank you!
What a great video, Megan! I love when you just chill and chat, and this topic was crazy intriguing. I kind of knew it was this way but like you said it gets romanticized when it really sounds like a nightmare. Thanks for sharing!
Random facts I love seeing Mr. Moon love/dote on you. I know he is working (working is super important mom of 4 myself with a working hubs) but I enjoyed the videos where he was supportive of you, but he is obviously not a pushover. Also housework is hell all around the world. Over here trying to figure out how I’m gonna pay someone to help keep up with housework.
I’m married and we are both Mexican descent and lemme tell you it’s the same! My mother in law would hug so much it was annoying. My husband is a sweetheart and he would not say anything till he even got annoyed. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning and you might come out looking bad and hostile but it’s necessary and you’ll thank yourself later. I’m almost four years married and we aren’t as close to my in laws like before but honestly I feel stress free 😅 but sometimes moms don’t realize that they are what they fear bc they too were once having to deal with their mother in law.
I like those kind of videos. It shows Korea is not only sunshine and rainbows. And a marriage is hard work, even more so when cultural differences are at play as well. And you are kind of caught in the middle. Keeping your own parents and family far away happy and having a good relation with your in laws. Even when there are no cultural differences there might be tension between the two because one side feels they get more attention then the other. You especially can see that when children are involved. That one set of parents babysit more then the other and such. And I recently saw a video of a women who left her husband due domestic violence and her mother in law took her son from her and she hasn't seen her child in months. I'm like how could you as a mother do that to an other woman?! But this shows a side of Korean family dynamics I was mostly unaware and I guess that mother in law felt entitled to have that child because it's her sons child.. which is crazy.
This attitude is very prevalent in all culture. You ever see Everybody loves Raymond? Sure, it was a fictional comedy - but there's lots of truth in it too.
Omg I use to watch that show with my husband on Netflix, and omg Ramond mom was literally, my husbands grandma lol
I'm Mexican and a lot of these issues are also present in our culture. Thankfully young people are starting to set healthy boundaries. My son isn't married yet and I hope to be a non-interfering mother in law if that time should come..
This is so weird because, I literally thought that this didnt apply to me as a swedish woman. In swedish culture, most of the time this is not really the case at all. As a very individualistic country we are not expected to take care of our parents that way. In my experience, in laws dont really have that much power either. HOWEVER, I just realized that my partners mother and grandmother actually communicate through me when my partner doesnt respond fast enough, and it definitely doesnt happen the other way around.. my parents would never contact him like that and expect him to make plans to meet. So my initial assumption was partly wrong... It frustrates me how even in women born in the late 80s and 90s we accept certain norms without even thinking about it. But as you said Megan, we're all just a product of our culture. 😵💫
Misogyny is a global phenomenon. We just experience it in different dosages based on our cultural context.
@@bolanleadisa 100% agree. And even though I don't personally experience it as harshly as in other countries, it still pains me to see it happen to women all around the world. 😔💔
A lot of the time when two people start a relationship, the man doesn't feel the need to keep up with things anymore. I noticed that (from the people I know) it is always the woman that knows all birthdays, anniversaries, doctors visits, important dates ... the men start to become clueless and rely completely on the woman. That goes for in laws as well. Suddenly the man can't communicate with his own family and the woman is the one that needs to keep up with what is going on and do a lot of the communication. Of course there are couples that don't do this, but all of the relationship that I see are like that or even worse. I know men that don't even pick out their clothes to wear in the morning 😅
@@bolanleadisa I wouldn't call that particular example misogyny though. Women are just better at communicating and managing life overall so her inlaws contacting her is probably just because she gets things done.
@@Olivaro10 that’s an assumption in many cultures. However, there is no biological reason why a woman would be better at those things and a man wouldn’t. Even if one partner is better at communication etc it shouldn’t just be placed on them. The responsibilities should be shared.
♥️Wow,In all your getting get understanding. Understanding the culture of your spouse is absolutely important. Thank you for taking the time to share this!♥️
Thanks for sharing Megan! I just want to clarify the meaning of hyodo, it isn't about giving back to parents what they spent raising the children, hyodo can be defined as the duty to serve one's parents well and to take good care of them. It's just that there are parents that make ill use of the interpretation and "abuse" their children to suck them dry...not all parents interpret the same way. Hyodo being an important cultural rule of the korean society, it does create guilt within children especially when the parents have "gaslighted" them into believing they "owe" them. It is twisted...thankfully none of my grandparents are like that and my parents definitely aren't that way.
wow i felt very seen in this holy moly. please keep it up!
It's so interesting you talking about this. I feel like it's not talked about enough. I'm from nz and come from a nz I Dian background. But I married into a malaysian Chinese culture. And this "pay back " concept is very much present in the Chinese malaysian culture which has taken awhile to accept. The hardest one is that the mum relies on the son for emotional support . It becomes very weird and confusing and stressful on the marriage because u feel second all the time with your husband
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I'm going through a divorce right now and even though we both live in the US, my husband was born in Korea. This really helps put into context a lot of the struggles we had. I already knew a lot of steamed from the culture he was raised in (as we are all influenced), but knowing that we're not alone in these kinds of situations is a comfort.