It’s so strange to me how a parent guilts a child for raising them…the children didn’t ask to be here, that was the parents choice, therefore your responsibility…this isn’t exclusive to Korean culture…Right it is a huge burden…
That’s what a lot of psychologists are harping on these days. As an adult your decisions require you to take responsibility. It’s not the child’s fault you had a hard time raising them. It’s your adult responsibility~~
I miss these kinds of videos where Megan just sat down & talked into the camera. No fancy edits or music…. Just Megan being Megan talking about Korea…. Hope she does this more often.
I remember back in the day (before bts was even known widely in America) she was the one who got me making tteokbokki 😂 she was sitting chatting & eating & I was eating along with her as if I know her 🤣
@@FaithAnswered me too!! I miss her "nom nom" videos where she would just sit in front of the camera & introduce us to korean food & just eat/describe it to us...
Good relationships cannot exist without mutual respect, both parties must genuinely feel that the other party has the right to exist as they are, and that they are of value not for what they can do or how much they have, but simply because they are another human being.
Exactly and unfortunately that attitude is hard to shift especially within the asian culture (I'm south asian) believe me I've tried with my own parents. Only we can be the change and be good examples for our children moving forward.
A lot of mothers really baby their sons here. I notice that they raise their daughters but spoil their sons. As an adult, a lot of them cannot function properly. Growing up, anytime my husband had any difficulty, his mom would just solve everything for him. As a result, he had no perseverance or resilience, he would give up immediately at the slightest hardship at the beginning of our relationship. Also, a lot of people don't learn to process negative emotions here, they just project their anger at you, instead of learning to control themselves.
My first year teaching high school here I had to teach 16 year old boys how to tie a knot for a class bracelet project. Soon found out they never learned how to tie their shoes…or do the laundry….or clean anything besides their room. We had a conversation that day about important life skills and asking to help out mom at home
Yes! The lack of accountability for "negative" emotions and disconnection from what emotions even mean is a lot! And you are seen as being rude to them if you try to address something about their behaviour towards others, because it triggers a negative response in them which they don't know how to understand beyond 'this person in front of me is making me angry so they are wrong and should stop talking'. I noticed my male Korean friends particularly often confuse all "negative" emotions as simply anger, and they have no control over anger.
I have noticed that in my hubby as well. He's had these habits real bad but thankfully he's realizing these are not good habits. With that anger thing, if he talks to me like that I will ask, why are you talking angry like that, I only asked a question like can you pass the salt, then his response would be this is how Koreans talk. But then he'll realize how ridiculous it sounds especially when saying it in english so he'll stop. Had to teach him EVERYTHING when it comes to chores, responsibility, not asking mom for money every time you don't have enough 😅 Living here and ignoring the culture but just doing what is good is the best way to live (or anywhere since every country has problems)
@@Raphanne I do think American parents can maybe make things too easy on their kids. Boys and girls. Obviously it is different from one family to another. The hard part is every kid needs to be raised a specific way. Every kid is different. And most of the time you are competing with society and what they're telling your kids.
Megan, I just want to point how how great of a mom you are. You're activitely researching how being raised in this kind of society will impact your children and I really want to commend you for puting the work in to stop the cycle with your family. Your babies are so lucky to have such a great mom ❤
I agree with you whole heartedly. She's being proactive now so they are not negatively impacted, which will be a blessing for their future. Great job, Mama Megan.
@@MsSunnyAvril I only worry that she's going to have a huge mountain to climb more than she knows. Her children unfortunately do not exist in a bubble. They will be going to school with other Korean children (unless they're in an international school) that aren't being raised how they are....and they are going to start spending more time with their peers than Megan or Mr. Moon. So that influence she's trying to curb now may work in the short term, but long term, her twins are going to be impacted by their peers. They're going to still feel the affects of how their peers are raised...and we all would love to pretend as if all children are special or unique enough to ignore peer pressure but that's usually not the case. So all the things she's worried about...like the constant comparing, etc....her twins are going to experience that for the next 12 years of school. Her son is going to experience that once he does his military service. Her daughter is going to experience that once her half-Black body decides not conform to rigid Korean beauty standards. The Moon's have a long road ahead of them by choosing to raise their children there. There is a reason a lot of expats who have children there decide to leave and raise their children elsewhere.
@@cherryblossom412 You get diversity of cultures in America....these issues aren't an occasional thing in Korea though, it's rooted in the culture. You don't say that in a country that's #1 in self-deletion. You don't say that in a country where there is only ONE culture, and that culture is over a thousand years old. You are comparing apples and oranges here and you're arguing in bad faith here. If American's were number 1 or 2 in the world for self-deletion and depression, then maybe I could see what you're saying...but we're not...and we have ethnic groups here, which Megan is part of that have had generations of atrocious things done to them and even they don't have self-deletion rates that high. Apples and oranges.
@@cherryblossom412 You are making a lot of assumptions and kind of walking around the point of what I said. It's unfortunate you would rather not ask questions when you don't understand something and instead resort to trying to compete with things that aren't equal.
The high rates of suicide make more sense in this context - if you’re taught you owe your life to your parents and then they are never actually satisfied with what you do, it can become a question that maybe you shouldn’t be here anyway because your life is not your own in this psychology and if you feel you’re bringing shame for the person you are alive for, you may think it’s better to off yourself and save them the shame
Growing up Vietnamese was already horrific compared to my white American counterpart, but pales in comparison to Koreans' upbringing. I try running away as many chance as I get.
The fact that we think our life is our own is the first problem. Nobody can live in a vacuum. We only live because someone else put in the effort to make it possible. To suggest that you don't owe anything to someone that gave you everything is a little selfish don't you think? At the same time I'm not saying a parent should completely control a child. But i think its completely fair for a parent to require a child be a polite productive member of society with a job that can help support the family and not just go party and create a lot of broken families with random men/women.
@@alexander_sinclairI cannot say that I agree with that. The creation of a child is a selfish act. That child did not ask to be born. The parents of that child is supposed to be responsible for that child and their development. They should be supportive of that child. They should not be abusive in any way. It's rare for a truthfully supportive parent to have a child that turns against them. This isn't to say that the child should be deviant but a child learns from those in their life and their surroundings. A child does not decide such things. Being a productive adult tends to come with good parenting and great choices. People have to stop placing so much on children.😅
The couple/group culture here is so isolating. You feel like you're doing something wrong if you're not with somebody but then those same relationships are also base and simple so you don't really get to *know* a person which also adds to the isolation It's a vicious cycle
Soooo much pressure to be in a relationship here, but all the relationships I’ve had here have been so superficial like please I just want to know YOU not what you have or claim to be
There’s also the pressure of having to always be with your partner or being constantly connected to your partner. It just ends up isolating you from your friends in the end and who can you turn to when things go bad?
And this isn’t exclusive to Korean culture, this behavior is present in so many cultures, but I’m glad to see so many (especially younger generations) moving past this
Have women wisen up yet, those kpop stars are walking surgeries, not to sound harsh but most Korean men aren't handsome, so you get brainwashed then go over there just to find a mr moon. If you want to know the real korean phenotype just look at north koreans
i appreciate this video so much, megan. my dad was born shortly after the korean war and i am a first generation korean american and i can relate with so so much of what you’re saying. i have such a vivid memory of when i couldn’t have been over 4 years old when i ran into the kitchen not realizing it had just been mopped and i slipped flat onto my back and was so hurt and startled but when i cried out, i remember my dad coming to me and him being angry that i was so careless to get hurt like that. i don’t even recall him picking me up or hugging me if he did, i just remember him being mad at me. i don’t blame him for it and i have a lot of understanding for his reaction because i know that’s just how he was raised as well and it came from a core of care and concern but as a child it certainly does not feel that way. i’m 34 now and still trying to process my upbringing and attempting to change these patterns so that my children don’t ever feel like their safety, well being and most of all their comfort and happiness isn’t a burden or something to feel ashamed of. thank you megan
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That generation of Korean men were just messed up. The deprivation after the war, how the war messed up their own parents, coming to the US and feeling like they were at the bottom of society… so many ended up drinking, abusing their children and wives… it’s great that you are figuring out how to end these patterns within your own family. My own dad was born in 1920…
I'm so sorry. How beautiful that you're working on giving your children the safety and love that you didn't receive. Hope you can give this to your inner child as well.
thank you all for your kind words! it is definitely hard realizing things need to change and i am far from perfect by any means but anything is worth making my babies lives better. my dad was honestly not that bad lol he was a lot more loving and playful with me than most fathers of that generation bu we can always do better right? 😌 blessings to all of you 💜
My mom always said that the greatest gift that my brother and I have given her is our independence. When she helped up in the past she never wanted repayment. She told us to use her help to become independent in the future. She told us that she didn’t want to live with us in her old age and has sufficiently saved for home care or nursing home. All she ask for is a telephone call once a week and a visit once a year. But we do more. She’s very active in her community and church and is not waiting for our calls and visits. She’s amazing.
Your mom sounds amazing. She's aware that you guys are a family of individuals with individual thought processes and it's better to love and live without expecting anything back. It's a very difficult thing to do for that generation. Kudos to you guys👍🏻
That's also an important aspect that this conversation didn't touch on. The elderly are becoming more and more lonely and I do believe it's because they lack any semblance of community. They are not active in the community at all...they don't have actual friendships. They should be encouraged to go out and get involved. Join a rec center, be more involved with their church if they're part of one, volunteer more. Rather than sittting at home waiting by the phone and hoping one of their kids call them. When you're active and busy, you don't have to worry about whether your kids call you...they will....and it will be a pleasant part of your busy day when they do.
I met my husband in Korea, but he's actually Chinese and I am seeing a LOT of similarities between Korean and Chinese culture that you mentioned. Every time I introduce a friend or talk about a friend to my in-laws they ask "how much money do they make? what's their job? What were their grades in school?" And no matter the answer they're just going to point out that person's flaws and if they can't find anything they resort to calling that person "ugly". It really messes with me. Even though I'm an adult, it feels really bad when people are putting down my closest friends. I also am treated a lot like I'm incapable of performing simple tasks. It's a double edged sword because if I perform the task then it's done wrong. If I let my in-laws do the task then I'm lazy. It really is off-putting when you weren't born into that type of culture so it feels like a punch in the stomach. The biggest issue is I'm not involved in any of my family planning. Those conversations are only had between my husband and in-laws. Fortunately, my husband understands that this is a plan that is between the two of us, but my in-laws refuse to allow me to share my thoughts and opinions. Sorry to vent
I actually feel sorry for people like that instead of being angry about it. Imagine how miserable a person must be to only care about such things. 😔 I'm sure if they knew better they'd be better when it comes to that.
You are so right. I am teaching kindy class. 2 students dropped out for the reason that their moms don’t like their kids to be in the same class with this other kiddo in my class. My god! I mean they’re kids, they can make friends and play! But yeah, it’s such a sad thing here
Vent away. Sometimes it's easier to vent to a stranger to get it off your chest than to someone you know but don't know if you can trust and that's totally fine. If you need to get it out, let it out. It's better than keeping it in and letting the stress burden you day after day and then build up. 👍
Megan is so right. After living in Korea for some years already, Megan put into words something that I have been noticing a lot which is on the outsite Korean society looks so family orientated but it's more structural and rational than emotional, because in reality families here are not close at all. At least compared to my latin upbringing, because Latino families are the totally opposite.
Yea I remember when my grandmother passed away and I was BROKEN and crying at work and my colleagues were all shocked at why I was crying at her death. I’ve had colleagues lose their parents/siblings and they’re so stoic about it.
Yah...Latin families are very affectionate. Yet, you can have too many emotions in a family that make rational and structural families look more ideal. Let's just say in a Latin family...your mother will always have a flipper in hand and some family drama and talking shit about someone will always be going on. It's like being in high school haha
im korean and im so grateful my mom never pushed the korean culture on us. she came to america when she was young so she's able to see both cultures. hanging with other koreans can be draining because they can be very shallow
@@jisukkim9329 Koreans were not always like that. We used to have little picnics at Yonsei, sit and talk over snacks on the street at night, sing together … this was in the 1970-80s. Something has gone wrong… I see all the young people, even their faces have changed with the lack of health…Koreans never had pointy little jaws or sallow faces. Maybe your parents have forgotten those days, especially if they stayed in Korea because it is hard to reflect upon a place in which you remain. You are the future of Korea, no matter where you choose to live. I am proud to hear you walked away from that shallowness.
@@wildswan221 My parents have never forgotten those good days, and I also miss them. It's sad that those days are just memories now. Whenever I go back to Korea, it’s disheartening to see how much has changed and how cold people have become. I feel disconnected, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking that I had to make this choice.
Same. I love much of our Korean traditions and heritage... but Korean culture is soooooo toxic. My mom still has some of that toxicity, but at least she’s open to debate about it lol. She’s change a lot over the last 20 years. She’s 70 and I’m 40. It’s been a struggle being half Korean, raised in a Korean household. But we also are a close tight knit family between my older brother, sister, mom dad and my nieces.
Its crazy how in some African countries you have the exact same mindset as in Korea. It has caused a lot of stress and depression to the next generation. Some people distance themselves from their family once they become independent because of that.
WHICH African countries? Korea is a country, Africa is a huge continent either extreme differences between the regions (Somalia vs Botswana). Don’t generalize, be specific.
I am from Eritrea (Africa). We have alot of cultural similarities with Korea but not this. We ( I and my friends) have really close relationships. I think this is because African countries are not as hyper capitalist as Korea. I think the root cause of all this issue in Korea is hyper capitalism. They don't value intangible things.
While in Korea I met this Korean man in his early 50's, he was a single parent and had raised his daughter alone since she was 3 years old. She was now in her early 20's and they were still living together. I got invited to visit their home few times and I kind of learned to know them a little bit and I was so shocked about how they did not talk about anything serious together. Just about daily stuff like "what to eat" and "when to leave/come back home" etc. I am Finnish and my family was far from perfect (my dad being workaholic, alcoholic, narsissist personality), but what we have always done - my mom, my sister and me - we have always talked about things openly. Like our feelings and later in life about how stuff affected our lives. This Korean father and daughter had fex. never talked about the fact that the mother just left when the daughter was 3 years old, the father had no idea what she thought or felt about it. Neither had he any idea what his daughter dreamed for her life/future etc. He just paid everyhing for her and then they ate together, but that was it.. Their relationship.. And also he did not have any friends nor kept contact with his only sister, their parents had died several years ago. I moved away from home in my early 20's and have always been kind of a "lonely wolf", doing my own things and not wanting to marry and have children, but I have always had few really good close friends (since High School) with whom we share everything. We support each other and even if we are physically living far from each other we know we are always there for each other. Of those Korean people I have met (this man and some other people) I just felt not many of them had ANY deep relationships where to share their deepest thoughts, worries etc. That many Korean people know how to get along with each other, but not how to let others to come really close. It was really shocking for me to see and to think, how difficult it is to cope in life if you don't have anyone with whom you can genuinly be who you are.
I completely get what you mean especially living here in Korea. Most relationships feel transactional and you can never really get deeper. I've noticed that a lot of relationships are based on commonality, like sharing the same hobbies or interests which is what you expect in the relationships that children have. It can be a little juvenile and superficial.
Being from, a Pacific Islander family, everything you said about the Korean culture is exactly the same in the Samoan culture. Our next generation have slowly started to cut ties with family because of the toxicity and control. The realisation of having our own children has changed in ways that we would never want to ever bring our kids in the same toxic and demanding experiences we were put through.
Bc of the bulk of what she said is actually universal. I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, etc. and I have friends across the world. Same/similar experiences with parents expectations.
No fr especially the part of parents saying we owe them. Life isn’t good enough to just live and be as we are we have to prove ourselves. And for what? For strangers’ approval. I see some Pacifica parents that have softened but it’s still a deep root in our community
I was born in European country that competes with unaliving rate with S.Korea. I think that the generations that often went through war and other hardships have a lot of the same symptoms. They never worked on their trauma or emotional maturity, so they end up with families that are not truly happy. I am scared of becoming a parent myself because I not only want to be better, but also I don't want to lose myself and find my value only in my child/children. Generational trauma is a hard cycle to break.
I was just thinking the same thing. If soldiers from the US come back with PTSD, I can only imagine what entire communities suffer who experience that level of trauma, and how the effects are not just to the generation who lived through war, but passed down through mannnny generations.
Yes, there's a disconnect, alot of people aren't having "Deep Connections" anymore, family, friends, and then that loneliness settles in, and then your mental & emotional state starts getting affected, and it's sooo unfortunate that "some" families aren't close like how they use to be (currently dealing with this in my family),I literally just had this conversation with my therapist, deep connections are sooo important, it also helps people to stay "grounded " in life. Its awesome you're addressing this topic Megan ❤, this conventions is definitely NEEDED in these current times. Great video 👍🏾
I wanted to say the same, I feel like everywhere there is a disconnect. Even online friends, a lot of ppl hustle, want new friends as a side hustle to make money. I think ppl who see and feel the disconnect will have to rely on one another.
Same absolute same I love hearing about life in Korea and everything but like realistically not the like glamorous fake crap lol. There's a lot of RUclipsrs who just run around Korea doing things that realistically most people don't generally do so watching her videos is nice to see them get away and do stuff but these videos these sit down talk videos are my favorite
It also doesn't help that a lot of the younger generations look for connections, or "love" by sleeping around, instead of actually investing emotionally because they're afraid of rejection, they just want to take care of their basic needs. They make what can potentially be a loving relationship into something shallow and throw away because they don't know how to interact like normal functional people (obviously not all of them), but they treat relationships transactional as well (again not all do), like I'll do this for you, if you buy me that, which is sad.
Yeah. I’ve been wanting to make videos like this for a while about societal observations but I was kind of scared since Korea can be really sensitive when someone shares societal issues. But I think peopke know how that I do love Korea and just want to see the best for this country and share experiences so they can help people
The way parents have been taught that they have the right to direct their childrens lives, without boundaries, the enmeshment ,demanding their children make the family look good, while denying their child's individuality and opinions, all this even in adulthood ....is eerily similar to narcissism. Its no wonder so many are depressed and codependent in their relationships. I could unpack this all day. It's like a culture with built in narcissism, by way of parental rights only. That creates so many issues. For any of us in the West who were raised by Narcissists, you'll totally get what i mean. Great video, Megan!
IT IS NARCISSISM. The traditional Korean culture gets their philosophy from Confucius, which has some pros, but the hierarchical tradition is extremely militant, which doesn't allow for a soldier to question a captain. It's a one-way street. A ONE - WAY RELATIONSHIP. ...ONE PERSON barks orders and one person obeys without questions or dialogue, just like a military regime. THAT IS NARCISSISTIC. This type of demand in the traditional Korean custom supports narcissistic personality disorders. There are Korean psychologists talking about this, FINALLY. Let's be crystal clear, though. MOST CULTURES THRIVE around appeasing narcissistic personalities that head corporate cultures and politics, so this is typical in EVERY CULTURE, with a few exceptions, NOT just Korea's. That is why there is emotional violence, manipulation, and toxicity in EVERY culture and tradition.
@@szszszsz95395 EXACTLY! 💯 I started seeing this around 8 years ago when I started watching Korean content. NPD to the core. Sisilessthan3 just put up a video about the 4B movement. And I said the same thing you just did. It's all embedded in Confucianism. This is why Japan and China have similar issues. The filial piety, the son and dad worship...you must obey the older son and the father. The "harmony" rules in Confucianism have everyone looking the same and calling even strangers brother, sister, uncle. And when you look really close at Confusius' life, seems much of his philosophy came from growing up without his father and being raised in poverty by his deceased dad's concubine. It's like he based his theory on how he imagined an ideal that he never had.....family he never had. This of course leading to a form of worship of parents that he longed for. It goes deep in so many ways.
It is surprising.. sadly in some countries the parents have a saying that can be translated in a way as" I am the one that made you, and I am the only one that has the right to kill you".
@@szszszsz95395Sounds EXACTLY like my father (Kazakh). When he started asking about my opinion, I was SO confused because I did not have the right to speak before. Then it quickly turned out to be a trap. He expected me to guess his opinion and voice it. No other opinions and ideas are allowed. It's impossible to win.
@@juliab3326I’m American but it’s the same with my father. I cut him off. No money for me in the will 😂 I keep my mental health and save as much as I can.
It is so important to see children as people. It's also important to remember that every person is living a life as vivid and real as our own. Many people seem to forget these things and it deeply impacts how they treat their children and others they interact with.
This video resonated so much with me as a foreigner living here in Korea. The lack of deep connections, support, mutual respect, and empathy/sympathy in any relationships is so odd to experience. All relationships from family, to friends, to coworkers, to romantic relationships all have such a very superficial nature that it's really sad. I've had Koreans tell me things about their family or relationship and I'm in my head like "ummm...that's not normal". Glad you were able to explain a little deeper these dynamics.
When I was growing up, here in the USA I used to hear parents say "stop crying, or I'll give you a reason to cry" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" I saw very competitive parents, especially around sports.
yeah... I think some of these things are pretty universal to some degree but they might be more extreme in Korean culture, like the wife taking over the duty to call her in-laws or the need to give a set amount of money to your parents each and every month
I’m a mum of 3, youngest is now 17. Trust me when I say that when my mum would say things like this to me, I would think I would never say it to my child. Well I think the one I used, if they fell, was “is it bleeding? Can you move it? Yeah, you are ok”. If they were screaming then I would comfort them. Yes I am in my 50’s and that’s how we were brought up. Thing is, I’ve changed so that my children feel that they can talk to me about anything and sometimes I do wish they would talk to a friend about their s life. Though I am happy they feel safe enough to talk to me.
When I was on a trip to Korea in 2017 I really felt the more depressing vibe in Seoul. Despite the nice things, the wonderful and kind people I met and such I saw people rushing around, the elderly lady struggling pushing a cart full of cardboard up a hill while everyone was walking past her and the cars driving by, business man sleeping on a bench while being wasted and still be there the next morning or I saw them rushing to the subway to go to work I assume. I was telling one of my group mates but she didn’t understand what I was trying to say about the vibe I felt. Maybe I was more sensitive to it because at that time I wasn’t doing great mentally at the time I went on that trip. I don't see myself ever living in Korea long term for sure no matter how much I also enjoyed being there and I want to go back one day.
I’m American, married to a Korean and we live in Korea and have two kids and I totally notice most of what you’ve said here. I wasn’t raised with a very emotionally stable / mature family, though, so I didn’t grow up feeling able to talk to my parents that easily and my parents often said things like, “You should be grateful I do xyz for you,” and so on… so I can relate to a lot of that side of things. ESPECIALLY them wanting me to call/text them constantly and if not, they think I’m mad at them 😒 I also have had disagreements with my in-laws where they were yelling at me for giving advice/speaking my mind about things to my MIL like it’s not my “place” to say she should do something because I’m the daughter-in-law. I have seen so many parents get MAD at their kid for falling over and crying. One kid fell on his bike and his mom yelled at him, “Don’t fall down!” And I was like… he already did, so ask if he’s okay! And a lot of parents tell their kids “괜찮아!“ if they get hurt instead of ASKING if they are okay first. As a mom who reads a lot of psychology/parenting books, I’m going to check out your recommendations! I am reading 화해 which I really like and I love Dr. Becky’s Good Inside and The Whole-Brain Child. I own a bookstore here in Korea in my neighborhood, so I put out a lot of parenting books in Korean and English and recommend them to parents all the time because I think they can shed light on a different perspective. So many parents here kind of copy each other or just do what they have seen and it’s usually punishment first, feelings never. But I also think a lot of people are trying to change how their kids are raised vs how they were raised - I see a lot of parents who are really respectful of their kids and willing to learn and my son goes to yuchiwon where they send us parents a lot of information and we have classes like 부모교육 and one of them was for consent and sex/ed and it was really great information and I can see the difference it’s making slowly but surely. A few days ago I saw a video of a guy critiquing some youtuber moms who were discussing how they took the doors off their kids’ rooms and they look at all their phone messages, and how they want their kids to be good at everything (sports, schoolwork, socializing) and the comments from fellow Korean parents were pointing out how unrealistic and harmful those things are. Expecting your kid to ONLY study for hours and hours but also have amazing social skills and be Olympic level athletes - that’s so unattainable!
Oooh, I saw that too! Weren’t those moms the meanest things! I was shocked about the one that left her 5 y/o daughter in that horrible school until she started to spiral- for SIX months! She finally took her out but good grief.
@@SLite930 Right - she sent her to a yuchiwon that was very study focused. Those kids are THREE years old to FIVE years old! Play is super important at a young age. I send my son to a play/nature-based preschool where they go on nature walks, learn about bees and frogs, visit museums, and play on the playground. If they learn things, it’s because they are enjoying themselves. I used to work at an all-English preschool and the kids basically never went outside. They were yelled at if they didn’t finish their work “on time” and had homework. It seemed so bizarre that we were already stressing kids out. I think it’s up to the parents to make sure their kids are safe and happy and able to play and just be a kid. The education system values test scores and competition, etc. but I feel like as a parent, I can do things to let my kids “opt out” of that kind of mentality. Life should be fun and little kids learn through play the best.
This was a really good topic and discussion. I live in Barbados and a lot of what you said applies to me. My dad was always comparing us to children at church and in the community. My older brother got the worst of it cuz so many of his peers went on to become doctors and my brother did not. It was my dad's treatment of my older brother that drove me to force through a law degree (I was not interested in law and now i feel stuck in a profession i don't like) Even with my achievements my dad is still not satisfied; he is always on my case about going into politics or opening my own law firm. Now that I'm in my 30's he's also on my case about children and marriage and he feels a way because he has no grandchildren while all his neighbours and friends from church do. He is also always making these comments about us not loving him because we don't give him money. He pesters me about putting money into the house or buying new appliances and furniture. He never lets me forget how expensive law school was (but he never remembers that law was not my dream it was his). My dad never misses a chance to express his disappointment in us, I can not recall in all my 38 years of life my dad ever saying to me or my brothers that he is proud of us. BUT I will say this to others who have had it the same as me, for your own health you need to soemetimes forget your parents and chart your own course in life.
Bajan/Caribbean families can be soooo toxic. I fully relate. My dad is from barbados, whole family so I grew up in America with my Bajan family… constant criticism, reprimanding, put downs, ridicule and beatings. I’m 34 and am still crippled by it but trying to make a way.
I’m 🙏🏾 for us all! It’s extremely hard out here and it seems like it never ends. Glad Megan and others use their platform to help others ❤ I needed to hear this.
@@LizNeptuneCrazy we all have similar stories. I’m born and raised in Texas. My dad was in the military and we were all afraid of him including my mom. He would bark orders etc.. When I became an adult I cut him off until my mother sucked me back in about family, family. I learned my mother would never leave and has become bitter and wants us to be miserable like her. No they can just deal with each other I’m focusing on me. All the calls and harassment from them both is crazy like Megan stated.
Transactional friendships is a real thing. I had a few friends for a few years then realized I was no longer a friend if they "upgraded" in life faster than me. I didn’t do that if I reached a milestone faster though. Talk about culture shock!😢
You missed out on nothing the Most High and your spiritual team allowed the trash to take itself out. Now you will have your soul family that will be on your level. Thank God for fake people that left 😂
What's sad is those who take their own lives think they are ending the pain but really what happens is its passed to the ones who love them. It's a vicious cycle and I really hope the stigmatism of mental health everywhere is lifted and those who need help are able to seek it without being made to feel like they are weak for not being able to snap out of it.
I've been living here for 6 years and recently did a "purge" of those superficial friends.. I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. Fortunately, I enjoy my alone time, but I don't always enjoy being lonely. That's been probably one of the most difficult trade offs for me living in Korea, and I know it's not just me. So many friendships are surface level, and I'm glad you mentioned "functioning families," because sometimes I get discouraged when my Korean friends say they don't have time to hang out/have to "spend time with family" instead.
I can relate to this so much. I was born in Korea but moved to the US before I turned 2 years old, and my parents were born in the early 60s. The generational gap is insane. I definitely do not feel close to my family and it does very much feel like I'm just going through a checklist.
Thanks for sharing. And sorry you are dealing with that. Hang in there! I think in those cases it’s so important to find family within your friends if it can’t be worked out with family to have that emotional closeness.
This is so on point on asian family culture in general, especially on the filial piety and whole guilt tripping part - the one key thing that has stuck with me from childhood and shaped the entirety of my relationship with my parents is remembering how they say i owe them for everything, that they're spending so much on me, i should be grateful and pay them back and take care of them when theyre old. Ive always view this relationship as transactional as a result. great job capturing the essence of the issues! Would love more of such videos to learn more about what these korean experts wrote since it's unlikely their books have english translations? Super insightful and captures what ive been feeling so well
Yes, I hate that in our culture. If you are a loving parent who didn't care for these things, kids would most likely WANT to be around parents when they get older. I love my mom but sometimes the whole 'owe' thing really gets to me. I wasn't asked to be on this earth, you brought me here it is the parents responsibility to raise that child and then let them fly free. I have a 4 year old and I will NEVER ask him for anything, he never owes me anything. I just want to see his beautiful face and see him grow.
@@Esther-32013 I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, etc. These parental expectations are universal, in arguably every country bc there is no financial safety net for senior citizens. I do wonder if this is a working/middle class issue globally. There's no financial safety net for elders and for centuries, parents depended on their adult children.
It's universal. Historically, parents depended on their adult children as financially safety nets worldwide bc we do not have financial safety nets for elders. I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, Canada, etc. This is not exclusive to any singular culture, it's definitely global. I think it is more of a social class issue.
That's really interesting and yes very toxic. I've also seen some of that stuff in several cultures that they behave like a poor farm society and as soon as the kid starts earning money the parents stop working and expect to be catered to and as if they are now old. Like lady, you are only 45, you are still able to work and not a poor disabled woman two steps from the grave, you still have 40 years left to live, you no longer die at 50. I'm dutch, kids are appreciated as individuals and there is a lot of talking and sharing opinons. I agreed with my grandmother and mother on a lot of things. You don't have to do great at school, we sort of feel you are born with certain talents or not so being made to study a ton will not help. Kids sleep more than anywhere else because of the regularity of the day, so kids are happier. They know what to expect, dutch people will leave a party for kid's bedtime. They talk during meals, bread for breakfast and lunch so not much cooking time for a caretaker and you can all sit down at the table and have that communication.
I’ve also noticed how Korea, Japan and a lot of other collectivist societies where family and community are cornerstones of the culture have big issues with loneliness and depression. Maybe because the concepts themselves are pushed only on a superficial level? Or the competitive nature of the economy makes it hard to connect with folks who are your competition (and the consequences of losing out on opportunities are at the forefront of people’s minds)? Or, folks are just working 24-7 and have no time to truly connect?? Japan was amazing as a solo introvert traveler, but only for a couple of weeks-I love interacting with my parents and friends, having work-life balance, etc…
It definitely is just superficial. In my family's culture "family" is highly valued. In theory. To them, family sticks together, is loyal and obedient, without ever voicing real thoughts, feelings or calling out abuse. It's nothing more than highly hierarchical, sexist, superficial etc. It's basically just an act that starts to crumble as soon as you don't play along anymore. Step out of line and you're the devil's incarnate. So it's better to bite on your tongue and "do your job", so that everyone "gets along". Changing their perspective is impossible too.
@@juliab3326 it makes me sad; I don’t know if my parents and grandparents were “progressive” in the sense that my brothers and I had an open door policy with them, and we weren’t expected to tolerate abuse from anyone (family or strangers), but it sucked to hear others tell me how lucky I am to have that type of relationship with them. I thought that was the norm. That’s why a lot of our friends growing up called them “mom” and “dad”; they could actually talk to my parents about things. Not saying my parents never laid down the law (lol), but they were open to listening.
Crazy mother-in-law stories. Yessssss. This is such a great topic, with all the Korean variety shows I watch, you can kind of see these issues in the interactions.
I am living in the US and am married to a Korean man, and your video has validated SO MANY of my experiences with my in-laws. Thank you, they seem to think I am the crazy one, but I am not.
My husband is Korean American and I'm Latina (non-Asian) and I've experienced this even here in the states. He doesn't really call his family since they have 0 emotional connection with his family. They put a lot of pressure on him (and now by default, me) to live a certain way and make a certain amount of money and I'm the breadwinner which they try to shame him for. His immediate family too doesn't get along with his extended family because of fights and competitiveness amongst the cousins. It's super disheartening and makes me sad since I am very close to my parents and extended family. It's really impacted him and his mental health (now he lives with so much shame) and how he sees family. Thank you for talking about this since it helped me understand a bit more too
Oh my god, I would have hours worth of yapping about all of the issues Korea has, but you mentioned most of them. Although I would like to add jealousy. Koreans are so openly jealous, and they are not ashamed to show it. I am white and pale as a sheet, my two boys are half white half korean. Often people comment on how they are jealous and how their kids can never be as while as mine. It baffles me how someone can even think that about their own children. Also, I've been living here for almost 10 years since my first son was born and trying to make friends with the other moms is impossible. First of all, they don't want to even talk to me expecting me not to speak korean. And even if I say hello and they hear me speaking korean to my children, they still look me up and down but never even saying hello even our kids are friends. I've given up and hang on for dear life on the one singular friend I managed to meet and hope some sane person comes along at some point.
Generational trauma and mental wellness is so needed in the POC communities. We got way to many live like the jones, secrecy, and unhealthy expectations for people who we call family.
I have to learn emotions and compassion when I turn 15 years old. I was born and raised in South Korea. I am so grateful to my parents from Honolulu, Hawaii
Meghan is doing so well to recognize the issues her children may be facing and researching so she can help them. I know so many people whose children have issues that they don't even do the basics. I know a couple of families with children who are deaf or non verbal yet mentally fine but the parents won't start them on sign language nor learn sign themselves. It's as if they don't realize how important communication is for the child (between them and the child or for the child in life eventually outside the home).
Girl you hit the nail on the head. My husband and I were discussing this topic just the other night. My husband’s whole point was that even though he has experienced this type of uprbrining, he’s determined to end the cycle. He express led how much more happy he is trying to just live without concern about what others think and expect of him. everyone talks about the low birth rate here and tbh this is the biggest contributor to that issue I think. No one wants the additional toxicity and financial burden that comes with getting married and having children.
I absolutely loved that you discussed this. I am not korean, but my husband is and i have definitely observed all of the things you talked about. My in laws moved from Korea over 30 years ago and they still apply this to their " children" who are all over 40 years of age. And I have seen first hand the backlash from my mother in law when my husband tried to set firm boundaries when we hade our own children.
Thank you for having the courage to address this taboo topic. Many of my suspicions about Korean relationships and parental dynamics have been confirmed. I am impressed with the research you are doing. Please continue to report back your findings to us. I think you may have opened a Pandora's box....
So many traumas have been subconsciously passed down. I say this as someone who had the realization, and am taking action to heal and to not subconsciously continue to pass them on. I’ve tried talking to my Asian mother about what I’ve discovered, but she insists I’m wrong, yet I see the same things I deal with in HER actions. I know she’s set in her ways, but I at least tried to have the conversation. I wish my father was around to have this discussion as well [he’s AA], but he transitioned many years ago. No matter where we are in this world, a lot of us have this common thread. Great video, Megan!
So glad you're speaking honestly and thoroughly about these things! I think you may have a clear lens as a foreigner that native Koreans just may not be able to see, so I'm glad you decided to make this video that helps international people understand but also maybe some Koreans that may watch this! Very informative! The whole "pay your parents back" thing is literally my worst nightmare. As children, you did not ask to be born and take on the responsibility of needing care etc. That's on the parents to have brought you into the world and its so unfair to the children in any society to be burdened like that. Its an antiquated way of thinking IMO that you just have to have children so you have someone to take care of you when youre old..its a very selfish basepoint if you think of it and not in the benefit of the child or for the betterment of the future if it just started on you only worried about having someone to take care of you and guilt-trip them to do so and the part where you said they are insecure the kids could run off, well that right there shows something is wrong with how you raised them and the relationship if you had that you would think they would abandon you...
All the things you mentioned between 9:00 and 10:45 are the exact things I grew up experiencing in Jamaica 🇯🇲. I remember as a child I couldn’t understand this dynamic but was too afraid to say anything and didn’t have anyone to talk to about my experiences. It was a requirement for me to respect those older than me regardless of I was being respected. The idea of respecting a child was unheard of. Anything that bothered you had to be kept in and fear and guilt were used as a form of control. I learnt to feel tremendous fear, guilt and shame from an early age and these are the things I’m currently navigating at 35 years young. Today, there are so many emotional, mental and psychological things I’m having to navigate and process and release because of these very experiences. I’m a bit triggered by this but I’m leaning into what’s coming up for me.
As someone who grew up in a very toxically family-oriented household in the US; I feel you. It wasn't until my 30s that I realized how much that had conditioned me to base personal self worth on external validation and how much that mindset makes it so difficult to be at peace with yourself. I'm happy this generation is acknowledging how unhealthy that is and trying to work on through it.
My family dynamics are very similar to the Korean ones you described. For 34 years, I've been striving to meet my family's expectations because I "owe it to them". Only recently, with the support of my therapist, husband, and friends, have I found the courage to attempt to set boundaries with my family. However, it didn't go well, and now I'm not in contact with them at all, and it's been really hard. I also agree with the generation gap issue. Even though my parents are relatively young (in their early 50s), they were primarily raised by their grandparents, so they have adopted that older generation's mentality.
This was both interesting and sad to hear. I’m from the American South like you, and I have a loud family that likes to get in each other’s business, but I love it. You seem like sunshine, and I bet your warmth and openness is comforting to the people around you.
Ive been watching you for over 10 years and I just need to tell you how inspirational and beautiful you are as a person, I am very proud of you Megan, thank you for letting us into your life.
Thank you for not approaching this topic in shallow or dehumanizing way. It was nuanced and very informative, without being judgemental. I felt like I learned a lot watching this.
Hearing whats underneath the surface of Korean society like this was so interesting. The entirety of a society depends on how the subsequent generations are raised, prepared & conditioned to deal with the world and its so important to talk about this and put a spotlight on the problems to make the world a better and more enlightened, loving place. Its fantastic to know that at least Luna and Rubin will have a chance to improve all of the lives THEY will touch by having you as their mother who is aware of it all. :)
I really appreciate Megan’s insight in these topics bc it’s not very talked about from a foreigner objective perspective without being super critical or blatantly negative. I’m genuinely so grateful that my Korean in-laws are very loving and kind people who like spending family time without being overbearing which is also a problem in Korea. My husband is also very good at setting boundaries although they do treat me like a daughter and accepted me from day one, I know that my husband puts our marriage as a priority which is very assuring for me as a foreigner spouse. I think it’s the type of balance you should make sure that exists in the family.
This video could’ve been 3 hours long and I would’ve watched the whole thing. This video is very interesting and I would love for you to make more just like this. Yes please make videos about all the crazy MIL stories you’ve heard. Turn it into a series!
Been in Korea 9 years and I feel honestly just so validated by much of what you have said. I am not married like you but I have witnessed this expectation from parents a lot but more so I have really struggled with making friends due to much of what you mentioned- it being hard to find friends who you can have deep connections with and much of the friendships feel transactional. I just thought people maybe defined friendships differently or opened up in a different way, but I had never once considered it could have stemmed from the family unit! I noted the books you mentioned and I will probably be reading them very soon 👀. I love this type of sit down video you do I hope you come back to do some more. I am always curious about your pov especially as your life and experiences in Korea change and deepen. ❤️
Wow this video comes right at the right time. I am currently writing my master thesis about how parents expectations and behaviours impact their children’s mental health and I cover a lot of the topics you have just mentioned. One big thing about Korean people comparing each other and ppl judging is literally taught to them. Which is crazy imo. Now take this with a grain of salt I also just repeat what I have read while doing my research, but children are taught from a young age to judge others, feelings of guilt and indebtedness is hammered into their heads from a young age, and mothers anxiety definitely also has a big impact on children. Which is very sad to see. I also talked to a Korean friend of mine once, telling him that most of my Korean friendships feel very superficial and he told me that a lot of Korean ppl don’t want to talk about their personal hardships because of all the comparing and judging that’s going on. Everyone has their package to carry but not being able to share it with anyone must be really hard. 😢 anyway thank you so much for this video, it was really interesting!! I would love to read these books you mentioned one day. 😊
I enjoy this type of video. It's interpersonal and doesn't feel so reality TV. I don't mind the other videos you make with the help of videographers, that's all cool, but this definitely brings back the vibes from your past videos. I learned a lot in this video. It's definitely got me thinking about my own upbringing and the impacts of emotional and physical closeness and vulnerability on relationships.
Omg!! My mom was like that always comparing her friends kids to her own kids. That really messed up my self esteem growing up. Eventually I moved on and determined not to mess up my kids emotionally. My relationship with my mom is still strained, it is what it is.
just want to say thanks for elaborating on this topic. im chinese but a lot of the concepts for 'filial piety' and honoring your parents are incredibly relatable here and have made me feel anxious and guilty simply with my own existence. it is hard to understand these feelings and it's really nice that you were able to put it into words and analyse this for both sides of the party e.g. parents and children. also interested in reading that monk's book! :) 💚
💯 💯 💯 💯 @ 21:25 Omg Megan, I needed to hear this. There's a terminology~ "Moms baby their sons, but raise their daughters." This is the story of my life. I lost my Mom 2 yrs ago and me being the oldest & the only daughter, I've now "inherited" the emotional burden of keeping up with household demands. I was born & raised in the States, but there is a generational gap, tradition & cultural differences between my Dad & myself. I recognize it is terrible, horrible communication. Like non-existant. YES. I would love to hear more about the mother-in-laws stories you've heard 🙏🙏
Nina, your comment touched my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss. You seem like a kind, sensitive person, and I think that will help you forge a “new normal” with your family ❤
On another note, you're such a good mom. I know us parents often ask ourselves whether we do the right thing, but I can tell you definitely do. Showing up for them, reflecting your actions and environment and staying in communication with them is SO important. You're doing great!❤
Thank you so much for this video! I got married in Korea last year and am starting to observe all these things about Korean society but had a hard time putting it into words
Thank you for being so transparent about this topic, especially as it's a sensitive one. Mental health and a feeling of community are so important and fundamental to living a healthy life. We've got to normalize talking about these heavy topics because it's so important!!
Korea has always appeared depressing. The people looking so unhappy and extremely materialistic. The first clue is the constant celebrities taking their lives. Very hollow existence.
Yes I visited from Japan, which I love by the way! As soon as I left the airport and got on the train it seemed so depressing! In general the people don’t give off a friendly energy like some other countries.
@@priiifrg Japan is so much better in my opinion. I told my Korean colleague my experience and she was not surprised at all. I met some friendly people, but in general cold energy. The people are not as friendly and courteous as Japan.
Megan, I watched your vids since the first day you started uploading. We had some things in common back then with career and all. This is a great topic. It puts 'Keeping up with the Joneses' to shame. The pressure is too extreme. I hope many Koreans tune in. Before RM went into the military, he was saying, "The love we think we know is not really love." It was something he brought up in a discussion. He is known to read many self-help and introspective books. I hope you get his new album, Right Place Wrong Person. He drops his idol facade and pulls everyone into his mind, the burdens, who he is as a person, and on the search to find what he values. There are no skips on that album. You will be pleasantly surprised.
Very interesting! I like this type of real conversation. Love all your other videos as well, but this is just very down to earth, talking about societal issues. Thank you for the eye-opening conversation!
I wish I could like this video twice…so well done… Not only do they “feel” they are a bad son/dtr for not fulfilling their parents every wish but they are very likely TOLD implicitly and outright that they are a bad son/dtr by the parents, rest of the family, the society at large. This is why practicing the use of one’s own inner knowing and internal compass (something that you, Megan, have done over and over again) is the most important tool to not falling for other people’s ideas of morality or other people’s idea of how you should be or how your life should look. When you know who you are and what your purpose is which relates to the real reason why you exist then you are less susceptible to falling for the myth that you exist only to serve your parents almost as a sentencing for being granted a life in the first place. No wonder unaliving oneself seems like a solution to this sentencing. I know this will help so so many people thank you for making this video I’m hoping you make more on these kinds of topics.
This is true for a lot of Asian but also South American families. I feel both sides. Born with Asian background in a Western culture (Europe). As a (life)coach I encounter a lot of people with questions on their happiness. So glad to see this is becoming a topic to discuss more! Great insights!❤
I've lived in countries across all continents. This is true for families from the Caribbeans, Central America, Africa, Asia, North America, Australia, etc.
I also have a more distant relationship with my parents, just in the way that being around them for more than 1 or 2 days stresses me out and they would never be the people I'd call about...most things. Good things, bad things, especially not to talk about feelings in any way because they're just not...idk, compassionate in that way. I always admire my friends that have this kind of close relationship with their parents and can say that just this kind of distance alone can be lonely, but add to that all of the more extreme aspects like the guilt-tripping for existing, paying back, the forced respect, the huge generational gap simply caused by modernization/industrialisation etc. and of course people struggle in their relationships. And then you add the stigma and lack of support around mental health issues so people never learn how to deal with these things properly and it's a recipe for disaster.
Meagan ! Whew!! You hit the nail on the head with this video . I am black and my significant other is Cambodian. I have been telling him this for years ! The family dynamics are wayyyyyy different in Black and Asian cultures. It feels great to finally know I am not the only one who experienced this . Thank you for Sharing ❤
Love this video! I'd like to add something about the last point you made about mothers being anxious/obsessive about their children when the children leave the family house... I do understand your point about feeling like they had no faith in you living on your own, but I also think it has a lot to do about the fact that they're not NEEDED anymore, they're not useful and it's a huge part of their anxiety.... because all they did for so many years was to raise the children and that was their WHOLE purpose in life, and now that this purpose is gone, it's an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and having no purpose in their lives....!! I know because my mum was like that (and still is sometimes) for a VERY long time after we left the house to go to 'the big city' and build our own life!!!!!!!!! 😊🙄😮💨😑
I have noticed the negative side of these things in Korea too, but I have seen some who have great relationships with their family's too, so there is hope for a positive change in the future. I can understand your concern considering your little ones though.
13:07 Im originally from Dominican Republic, and ime from a big " close" familly and what my cousin and I all agree om is how much comparing there is in our family. I made it my number one rule that I wont allow anyone to compare my child ro other s or other children to him and my cousin do the same. And its crazy, because our parents see it as us been disrespectful lol because we also group up in a family that what the adults said, was law and having a different opinion meant that your been disrespectful to your elder. I have slowly help my parent see this a little different just a little bit. Now I merriered into a Peruvian family, and all though they work together very close family I notice that the older generation has no boundaries, omg my grandma in law be wanting to have a key for my appartment since we got merried almost 13 years ago. But I said, no thank you. I had already had to deal with them buyinng things with my fridge in mind, and if I didnt answer the phone on time so they can pick up wte was in my fridge /freezer I had to tolarate hearing about it. Yeah, I stopped this very quickly, lol.
As someone who has watched your videos since I was a teen and now is reaching my 30s, I'm so proud of you. I know i have nothing to do with you, will probably never meet you, but you're amazing and i feel genuine pride seeing you succeed and have a happy family. You have beautiful children and truly care about their success. I'll join you on tiktok and i hope to see more from you in the future💜💜💜
I'm grateful to have been following your journey since your transitioning from Florida to South Korea. You are doing great. As someone who had to move back down south to live with my parents after the crazy rent increase in NYC, I learned how valuable that type of relationship is where you can communicate about almost anything. I have chatted with virtual friends from other places about this financial setback still affecting me mentally as a daughter/mom and they say it's not a big deal to live with parents, family should be close. Thank you for talking about this, there are a lot of people that see don't realize this is reality. More people should discuss mental health like this so there can be hope and changes for future generations.
First of all thank you for the immense respect you're showing to the society and the challenges they face. You presented everything so calm, so free of judgment, so empathic (even though you surely have lived enough experiences yourself and especially now with your kids that you could slip into criticism). It was a pleasure to listen to you! I for one would absolutely ADORE to have more content like this from your side. Telling us experiences from your life in Korea that are shared in a sensible way and point a picture of the reality without inserting either overly positive (fantasy-like) or negative (catastrophic-like) emotions. It felt unbiased, even though you live there and are absolutely affected by some of the things you mentioned. I would even pay to see more videos like this!
It's important to talk about this. I haven't lived in Korea, but I have lived abroad and it can be very difficult socially. A lot of people get very lonely.
That was some pretty good analysis from a self-proclaimed “non-professional”. Your experiences, intelligence, and, your common sense give you a solid insight. The idea of parent “payback” really blows my hair back. Your comment about an opposite concept of “pay it forward” to the next generation is closer to how I was raised. Another opposite way to how we were taught is comparing your life and circumstances to other people - talk about a recipe for unhappiness! You can live in a capitalist society and maintain values - knowing that people, relationships, and our natural world are what matters, what you need to put first, not “stuff.” If Koreans are starved or repressed or deprived in their most important family relationships, maybe those deep emotions come out through their work. It seems to me that, in general. Koreans do an incredible job of pouring their feelings into their art. - they produce exquisite music, films, artistic designs for every medium and form of expression. They show such depth of feeling and sensitivity. Anyhow, your ideas and analysis were very thought provoking and interesting. You’re a smart cookie and a lovely seeming person. (Your Korean language skills just slay me!) Thanks for everything!
My daughter is about three months younger than the twins, and I have been thinking so much about how I don't want my relationship with her to be like the one with my mother, which definitely feels very transactional! She must have studied the school of older generation Korean parenting haha. Lots of negativity and comparisons. I'm also thinking hard about how to respond when she does these things in front of my daughter, so that my daughter can grow up free of the guilt and negative comparisons that I had drilled into me. (I am lucky to have found friends who have filled the family gap in my life, as I do for them now that I think about it 🤔). I love how you seek wisdom in every aspect of your life! You question and reflect, that is such an incredibly powerful skill to have 💛 Also, for a moment of materialism, your top is 🔥
I can listen to you all day long... can you please share more about this 😂 I am feeling sooo validated and how I can really relate and not feeling like the only weirdo that cannot get along well with mother in law.. because as you said most people don't want to hear about this.. not even my counsellors, to the point I am scared to share this with new therapists.
I’m not in Korea but my upbringing in SEA is very similar, the comparison, the lack of problem solve skill together since young age due to focus on the mistakes we made with anger & frustrations made me who I am now. Shame was “useful” as a kid as I relied on it to survive, but how it backfires so in my inner child healing journey I try not to shame myself whenever I make a mistake / mess up. I also give myself permission to rest whenever I’m tired, lots of Asians were brought up thinking we need to earn rest like we didn’t deserve rest unless we’ve done a lot of work in order to rest. I literally have to remind myself to take a break everyday as an adult, even if it’s just 10mins. As a parent I try my best not to react the same way how my parents & teachers in Asia reacted whenever I messed up. Spilled juice or milk can be annoying, especially if you’ve just cleaned the floor or carpet. Not fun, but knowing how to express our frustration in a healthy way and not to burden kids with our own emotions is very important skill! I try to say “oops, it spills again huh~ How do you think we should clean this?” (Wait for my kid to answer, if they can’t we can show them how. This way they can learn to focus on problem solving instead of shaming themselves for messing up in life).
i think you have summarized this really well, if only through the dramas (yes, the k dramas are not so close to reality), but they still reflect certain social issues. It's always about being the best, the most beautiful, the most successful, etc. The way families treat each other is also so disheartening to watch if you are European yourself. No love, no uplifting words, always how much you disappoint your parents and what a failure you are. So I'm not surprised that you get depressed in such an environment. It would be nice if there was a rethink in society, if they carry on as before, society will be destroyed. Just look at the birth rate. :(
Cracked up when Megan was like “I’m just a girl that lives here!” 🤣😂 as a Filipino-American who went to college in Cebu, Philippines and experienced harassment from Koreans on vacation there, this video really explained a lot. It doesn’t justify their actions but it does help me understand their negative actions a little more.
Great video about this serious topic. While we can be understanding about the trauma and pressure older generations went through, in order for there to be closeness, there does have to be a change. One problem of the heirachy system within families is that parents who never let their emotional guard down, can never let their children actually get to know them. One huge cultural aspect I have noticed, growing up in Australia but living in Korea, is that adult children know very little about their own parents. They don't know their parents' favourite food or movie or music. There is such a barrier there. But in many western families, we do know these things about our parents. As adults we can talk to parents as friends. Since my husband and his sister have both lived in Australia with my family and traveled, they managed to bridge that gap and the family is much closer now. It also helps that my inlaws have a good mentality. For example my mother in law had an awful mother in law so she never wasted to treat her daughter in law badly like that. They also believe in paying it forward to the next generations and want to give us money rather than us giving them money. But it could take a long time for all of society to change.
Hi Megan, I've been a long time viewer of your channel. I really appreciate you speaking on this topic. There are definitely similarities with other non western cultures (Asian, African, Spanish, for example) with regard to the differences between generations. I think there are many many adults who are working through the emotions and stress that comes from these types of family dynamics and expectations. This was insightful and I liked learning more about this aspect of Korean culture. Thank you.
You talking about this topic is so helpful about other societies and toxic norms! It’s so relatable to me (I’m black) and I even see this hierarchy within my own family-especially Mississippian Southern households. I always remind my mom (especially when it comes back to paying homage or family) that it is toxic the way that she and my family does it. Seeing your video gives me confirmation of a lot of family traditions being repressive and needs to be changed. People are evolving and so should family dynamics, everything that seems to be right isn’t always.
I LOVE how you are able to adapt to the culture and deliver the information so gracefully ♥️ with no judgement and genuine pure FACTS🥰 Love me some Megan Moon🖖🏽
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It’s so strange to me how a parent guilts a child for raising them…the children didn’t ask to be here, that was the parents choice, therefore your responsibility…this isn’t exclusive to Korean culture…Right it is a huge burden…
That’s what a lot of psychologists are harping on these days. As an adult your decisions require you to take responsibility. It’s not the child’s fault you had a hard time raising them. It’s your adult responsibility~~
Why don’t you visit your dad in the states?
Yeah it’s at a lesser extend with American boomer parents but I do know many millennials feel bitterness toward their parents
@@literarylady1125Yep, time to visit USA.
@@literarylady1125Well, her dad diD Choose to visit her in Korea, and nobody forced him to, so what exactly is the point of your query?
I miss these kinds of videos where Megan just sat down & talked into the camera. No fancy edits or music…. Just Megan being Megan talking about Korea…. Hope she does this more often.
I remember back in the day (before bts was even known widely in America) she was the one who got me making tteokbokki 😂 she was sitting chatting & eating & I was eating along with her as if I know her 🤣
@@FaithAnswered me too!! I miss her "nom nom" videos where she would just sit in front of the camera & introduce us to korean food & just eat/describe it to us...
@@lyfeSOS throwback fam! 🙌🏼
I kind it kind of dull, tbh. But, I can respect it.
same, i miss this
Good relationships cannot exist without mutual respect, both parties must genuinely feel that the other party has the right to exist as they are, and that they are of value not for what they can do or how much they have, but simply because they are another human being.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Exactly and unfortunately that attitude is hard to shift especially within the asian culture (I'm south asian) believe me I've tried with my own parents. Only we can be the change and be good examples for our children moving forward.
Unfortunately, some parents don't even see their children as human beings, instead they're seen as owned property/servant robots.
A lot of mothers really baby their sons here. I notice that they raise their daughters but spoil their sons. As an adult, a lot of them cannot function properly.
Growing up, anytime my husband had any difficulty, his mom would just solve everything for him. As a result, he had no perseverance or resilience, he would give up immediately at the slightest hardship at the beginning of our relationship. Also, a lot of people don't learn to process negative emotions here, they just project their anger at you, instead of learning to control themselves.
My first year teaching high school here I had to teach 16 year old boys how to tie a knot for a class bracelet project. Soon found out they never learned how to tie their shoes…or do the laundry….or clean anything besides their room. We had a conversation that day about important life skills and asking to help out mom at home
Yes! The lack of accountability for "negative" emotions and disconnection from what emotions even mean is a lot! And you are seen as being rude to them if you try to address something about their behaviour towards others, because it triggers a negative response in them which they don't know how to understand beyond 'this person in front of me is making me angry so they are wrong and should stop talking'. I noticed my male Korean friends particularly often confuse all "negative" emotions as simply anger, and they have no control over anger.
I have noticed that in my hubby as well. He's had these habits real bad but thankfully he's realizing these are not good habits. With that anger thing, if he talks to me like that I will ask, why are you talking angry like that, I only asked a question like can you pass the salt, then his response would be this is how Koreans talk. But then he'll realize how ridiculous it sounds especially when saying it in english so he'll stop. Had to teach him EVERYTHING when it comes to chores, responsibility, not asking mom for money every time you don't have enough 😅 Living here and ignoring the culture but just doing what is good is the best way to live (or anywhere since every country has problems)
Let’s also add how the first born son is seen
@@Raphanne I do think American parents can maybe make things too easy on their kids. Boys and girls. Obviously it is different from one family to another. The hard part is every kid needs to be raised a specific way. Every kid is different. And most of the time you are competing with society and what they're telling your kids.
Megan, I just want to point how how great of a mom you are. You're activitely researching how being raised in this kind of society will impact your children and I really want to commend you for puting the work in to stop the cycle with your family. Your babies are so lucky to have such a great mom ❤
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I agree with you whole heartedly. She's being proactive now so they are not negatively impacted, which will be a blessing for their future. Great job, Mama Megan.
@@MsSunnyAvril I only worry that she's going to have a huge mountain to climb more than she knows. Her children unfortunately do not exist in a bubble. They will be going to school with other Korean children (unless they're in an international school) that aren't being raised how they are....and they are going to start spending more time with their peers than Megan or Mr. Moon.
So that influence she's trying to curb now may work in the short term, but long term, her twins are going to be impacted by their peers. They're going to still feel the affects of how their peers are raised...and we all would love to pretend as if all children are special or unique enough to ignore peer pressure but that's usually not the case.
So all the things she's worried about...like the constant comparing, etc....her twins are going to experience that for the next 12 years of school. Her son is going to experience that once he does his military service. Her daughter is going to experience that once her half-Black body decides not conform to rigid Korean beauty standards.
The Moon's have a long road ahead of them by choosing to raise their children there. There is a reason a lot of expats who have children there decide to leave and raise their children elsewhere.
@@cherryblossom412 You get diversity of cultures in America....these issues aren't an occasional thing in Korea though, it's rooted in the culture. You don't say that in a country that's #1 in self-deletion. You don't say that in a country where there is only ONE culture, and that culture is over a thousand years old. You are comparing apples and oranges here and you're arguing in bad faith here.
If American's were number 1 or 2 in the world for self-deletion and depression, then maybe I could see what you're saying...but we're not...and we have ethnic groups here, which Megan is part of that have had generations of atrocious things done to them and even they don't have self-deletion rates that high.
Apples and oranges.
@@cherryblossom412 You are making a lot of assumptions and kind of walking around the point of what I said. It's unfortunate you would rather not ask questions when you don't understand something and instead resort to trying to compete with things that aren't equal.
The high rates of suicide make more sense in this context - if you’re taught you owe your life to your parents and then they are never actually satisfied with what you do, it can become a question that maybe you shouldn’t be here anyway because your life is not your own in this psychology and if you feel you’re bringing shame for the person you are alive for, you may think it’s better to off yourself and save them the shame
Japan is very much like this also. They don't have a suicide forest for no reason there.
Live for The Lord!
Growing up Vietnamese was already horrific compared to my white American counterpart, but pales in comparison to Koreans' upbringing. I try running away as many chance as I get.
The fact that we think our life is our own is the first problem. Nobody can live in a vacuum. We only live because someone else put in the effort to make it possible. To suggest that you don't owe anything to someone that gave you everything is a little selfish don't you think? At the same time I'm not saying a parent should completely control a child. But i think its completely fair for a parent to require a child be a polite productive member of society with a job that can help support the family and not just go party and create a lot of broken families with random men/women.
@@alexander_sinclairI cannot say that I agree with that. The creation of a child is a selfish act. That child did not ask to be born. The parents of that child is supposed to be responsible for that child and their development. They should be supportive of that child. They should not be abusive in any way. It's rare for a truthfully supportive parent to have a child that turns against them. This isn't to say that the child should be deviant but a child learns from those in their life and their surroundings. A child does not decide such things. Being a productive adult tends to come with good parenting and great choices. People have to stop placing so much on children.😅
The couple/group culture here is so isolating. You feel like you're doing something wrong if you're not with somebody but then those same relationships are also base and simple so you don't really get to *know* a person which also adds to the isolation
It's a vicious cycle
Soooo much pressure to be in a relationship here, but all the relationships I’ve had here have been so superficial like please I just want to know YOU not what you have or claim to be
There’s also the pressure of having to always be with your partner or being constantly connected to your partner. It just ends up isolating you from your friends in the end and who can you turn to when things go bad?
I know you try to post mostly positive things, but I'm glad you're addressing the darker side of Korea.
About time
Yes!
And this isn’t exclusive to Korean culture, this behavior is present in so many cultures, but I’m glad to see so many (especially younger generations) moving past this
Have women wisen up yet, those kpop stars are walking surgeries, not to sound harsh but most Korean men aren't handsome, so you get brainwashed then go over there just to find a mr moon. If you want to know the real korean phenotype just look at north koreans
THIS!! Me toooo!
i appreciate this video so much, megan. my dad was born shortly after the korean war and i am a first generation korean american and i can relate with so so much of what you’re saying. i have such a vivid memory of when i couldn’t have been over 4 years old when i ran into the kitchen not realizing it had just been mopped and i slipped flat onto my back and was so hurt and startled but when i cried out, i remember my dad coming to me and him being angry that i was so careless to get hurt like that. i don’t even recall him picking me up or hugging me if he did, i just remember him being mad at me. i don’t blame him for it and i have a lot of understanding for his reaction because i know that’s just how he was raised as well and it came from a core of care and concern but as a child it certainly does not feel that way. i’m 34 now and still trying to process my upbringing and attempting to change these patterns so that my children don’t ever feel like their safety, well being and most of all their comfort and happiness isn’t a burden or something to feel ashamed of.
thank you megan
Awww yeah I’ve heard so many stories about stuff like that. Must be hard. But just being aware means you can do a bit better for your babies~~ ❤❤❤
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That generation of Korean men were just messed up. The deprivation after the war, how the war messed up their own parents, coming to the US and feeling like they were at the bottom of society… so many ended up drinking, abusing their children and wives… it’s great that you are figuring out how to end these patterns within your own family. My own dad was born in 1920…
I'm so sorry. How beautiful that you're working on giving your children the safety and love that you didn't receive. Hope you can give this to your inner child as well.
thank you all for your kind words! it is definitely hard realizing things need to change and i am far from perfect by any means but anything is worth making my babies lives better.
my dad was honestly not that bad lol he was a lot more loving and playful with me than most fathers of that generation bu we can always do better right? 😌 blessings to all of you 💜
I think this is common for Gen X and older millennials
My mom always said that the greatest gift that my brother and I have given her is our independence. When she helped up in the past she never wanted repayment. She told us to use her help to become independent in the future. She told us that she didn’t want to live with us in her old age and has sufficiently saved for home care or nursing home. All she ask for is a telephone call once a week and a visit once a year. But we do more. She’s very active in her community and church and is not waiting for our calls and visits. She’s amazing.
Your mom sounds amazing. She's aware that you guys are a family of individuals with individual thought processes and it's better to love and live without expecting anything back. It's a very difficult thing to do for that generation. Kudos to you guys👍🏻
That's also an important aspect that this conversation didn't touch on. The elderly are becoming more and more lonely and I do believe it's because they lack any semblance of community. They are not active in the community at all...they don't have actual friendships. They should be encouraged to go out and get involved. Join a rec center, be more involved with their church if they're part of one, volunteer more.
Rather than sittting at home waiting by the phone and hoping one of their kids call them. When you're active and busy, you don't have to worry about whether your kids call you...they will....and it will be a pleasant part of your busy day when they do.
She's a true Christ follower, full of wisdom. 🥹🙏🏼❤️
I met my husband in Korea, but he's actually Chinese and I am seeing a LOT of similarities between Korean and Chinese culture that you mentioned. Every time I introduce a friend or talk about a friend to my in-laws they ask "how much money do they make? what's their job? What were their grades in school?" And no matter the answer they're just going to point out that person's flaws and if they can't find anything they resort to calling that person "ugly". It really messes with me. Even though I'm an adult, it feels really bad when people are putting down my closest friends. I also am treated a lot like I'm incapable of performing simple tasks. It's a double edged sword because if I perform the task then it's done wrong. If I let my in-laws do the task then I'm lazy. It really is off-putting when you weren't born into that type of culture so it feels like a punch in the stomach. The biggest issue is I'm not involved in any of my family planning. Those conversations are only had between my husband and in-laws. Fortunately, my husband understands that this is a plan that is between the two of us, but my in-laws refuse to allow me to share my thoughts and opinions.
Sorry to vent
I actually feel sorry for people like that instead of being angry about it. Imagine how miserable a person must be to only care about such things. 😔 I'm sure if they knew better they'd be better when it comes to that.
You are so right. I am teaching kindy class. 2 students dropped out for the reason that their moms don’t like their kids to be in the same class with this other kiddo in my class. My god! I mean they’re kids, they can make friends and play! But yeah, it’s such a sad thing here
Vent away. Sometimes it's easier to vent to a stranger to get it off your chest than to someone you know but don't know if you can trust and that's totally fine. If you need to get it out, let it out. It's better than keeping it in and letting the stress burden you day after day and then build up. 👍
Megan is so right. After living in Korea for some years already, Megan put into words something that I have been noticing a lot which is on the outsite Korean society looks so family orientated but it's more structural and rational than emotional, because in reality families here are not close at all. At least compared to my latin upbringing, because Latino families are the totally opposite.
i agree
Yes everything is based around the structure of hierarchy. It's super cold underneath the surface
Nah we pretty toxic as well tbh
Yea I remember when my grandmother passed away and I was BROKEN and crying at work and my colleagues were all shocked at why I was crying at her death. I’ve had colleagues lose their parents/siblings and they’re so stoic about it.
Yah...Latin families are very affectionate. Yet, you can have too many emotions in a family that make rational and structural families look more ideal. Let's just say in a Latin family...your mother will always have a flipper in hand and some family drama and talking shit about someone will always be going on. It's like being in high school haha
im korean and im so grateful my mom never pushed the korean culture on us. she came to america when she was young so she's able to see both cultures. hanging with other koreans can be draining because they can be very shallow
You are so lucky! That's why I left my country and moved to US. People are so shallow there
@@jisukkim9329 Koreans were not always like that. We used to have little picnics at Yonsei, sit and talk over snacks on the street at night, sing together … this was in the 1970-80s. Something has gone wrong… I see all the young people, even their faces have changed with the lack of health…Koreans never had pointy little jaws or sallow faces. Maybe your parents have forgotten those days, especially if they stayed in Korea because it is hard to reflect upon a place in which you remain. You are the future of Korea, no matter where you choose to live. I am proud to hear you walked away from that shallowness.
@@wildswan221 My parents have never forgotten those good days, and I also miss them. It's sad that those days are just memories now. Whenever I go back to Korea, it’s disheartening to see how much has changed and how cold people have become. I feel disconnected, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking that I had to make this choice.
Same. I love much of our Korean traditions and heritage... but Korean culture is soooooo toxic. My mom still has some of that toxicity, but at least she’s open to debate about it lol. She’s change a lot over the last 20 years. She’s 70 and I’m 40. It’s been a struggle being half Korean, raised in a Korean household. But we also are a close tight knit family between my older brother, sister, mom dad and my nieces.
Its crazy how in some African countries you have the exact same mindset as in Korea. It has caused a lot of stress and depression to the next generation. Some people distance themselves from their family once they become independent because of that.
WHICH African countries? Korea is a country, Africa is a huge continent either extreme differences between the regions (Somalia vs Botswana). Don’t generalize, be specific.
@@gagoomt4076She said some and I agree. Having friends from Nigeria, Kenya, Namibia, I've heard similar stories.
Bc it's universal. South America, Africa, Asia, everywhere... The only difference are the nuances.
I am from Eritrea (Africa). We have alot of cultural similarities with Korea but not this. We ( I and my friends) have really close relationships. I think this is because African countries are not as hyper capitalist as Korea. I think the root cause of all this issue in Korea is hyper capitalism. They don't value intangible things.
While in Korea I met this Korean man in his early 50's, he was a single parent and had raised his daughter alone since she was 3 years old. She was now in her early 20's and they were still living together. I got invited to visit their home few times and I kind of learned to know them a little bit and I was so shocked about how they did not talk about anything serious together. Just about daily stuff like "what to eat" and "when to leave/come back home" etc.
I am Finnish and my family was far from perfect (my dad being workaholic, alcoholic, narsissist personality), but what we have always done - my mom, my sister and me - we have always talked about things openly. Like our feelings and later in life about how stuff affected our lives. This Korean father and daughter had fex. never talked about the fact that the mother just left when the daughter was 3 years old, the father had no idea what she thought or felt about it. Neither had he any idea what his daughter dreamed for her life/future etc. He just paid everyhing for her and then they ate together, but that was it.. Their relationship.. And also he did not have any friends nor kept contact with his only sister, their parents had died several years ago.
I moved away from home in my early 20's and have always been kind of a "lonely wolf", doing my own things and not wanting to marry and have children, but I have always had few really good close friends (since High School) with whom we share everything. We support each other and even if we are physically living far from each other we know we are always there for each other. Of those Korean people I have met (this man and some other people) I just felt not many of them had ANY deep relationships where to share their deepest thoughts, worries etc. That many Korean people know how to get along with each other, but not how to let others to come really close. It was really shocking for me to see and to think, how difficult it is to cope in life if you don't have anyone with whom you can genuinly be who you are.
This is so mind buggling to me omg no emotional support at all 😢
I completely get what you mean especially living here in Korea. Most relationships feel transactional and you can never really get deeper. I've noticed that a lot of relationships are based on commonality, like sharing the same hobbies or interests which is what you expect in the relationships that children have. It can be a little juvenile and superficial.
One can tell from the k-dramas and comedies. It’s kind of shocking. I can’t imagine bottling everything up.🙁
And then isn’t there a huge stigma against therapy? Who do people talk to about emotional issues without close friends or a therapist? Insane
Being from, a Pacific Islander family, everything you said about the Korean culture is exactly the same in the Samoan culture. Our next generation have slowly started to cut ties with family because of the toxicity and control. The realisation of having our own children has changed in ways that we would never want to ever bring our kids in the same toxic and demanding experiences we were put through.
It’s also similar to Chinese culture.
Bc of the bulk of what she said is actually universal. I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, etc. and I have friends across the world. Same/similar experiences with parents expectations.
No fr especially the part of parents saying we owe them. Life isn’t good enough to just live and be as we are we have to prove ourselves. And for what? For strangers’ approval. I see some Pacifica parents that have softened but it’s still a deep root in our community
메건, 너무 정확하게 알고 있네요. 한국에서 20때까지 살았고 지금은 외국에 살고 있는데, 숨통이 트여요. 스트레스도 덜 받고 훨씬 행복하게 살고 있어요. 분명히 한국이 좋은 점도 있지만, 개선해야 할 점도 많은 것 같아요. 항상 좋은 영상 고마워요!
I was born in European country that competes with unaliving rate with S.Korea. I think that the generations that often went through war and other hardships have a lot of the same symptoms. They never worked on their trauma or emotional maturity, so they end up with families that are not truly happy. I am scared of becoming a parent myself because I not only want to be better, but also I don't want to lose myself and find my value only in my child/children. Generational trauma is a hard cycle to break.
I was just thinking the same thing. If soldiers from the US come back with PTSD, I can only imagine what entire communities suffer who experience that level of trauma, and how the effects are not just to the generation who lived through war, but passed down through mannnny generations.
Yes, there's a disconnect, alot of people aren't having "Deep Connections" anymore, family, friends, and then that loneliness settles in, and then your mental & emotional state starts getting affected, and it's sooo unfortunate that "some" families aren't close like how they use to be (currently dealing with this in my family),I literally just had this conversation with my therapist, deep connections are sooo important, it also helps people to stay "grounded " in life. Its awesome you're addressing this topic Megan ❤, this conventions is definitely NEEDED in these current times. Great video 👍🏾
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I wanted to say the same, I feel like everywhere there is a disconnect. Even online friends, a lot of ppl hustle, want new friends as a side hustle to make money. I think ppl who see and feel the disconnect will have to rely on one another.
Same absolute same I love hearing about life in Korea and everything but like realistically not the like glamorous fake crap lol. There's a lot of RUclipsrs who just run around Korea doing things that realistically most people don't generally do so watching her videos is nice to see them get away and do stuff but these videos these sit down talk videos are my favorite
This this this!❤❤❤😢😢😢
It also doesn't help that a lot of the younger generations look for connections, or "love" by sleeping around, instead of actually investing emotionally because they're afraid of rejection, they just want to take care of their basic needs. They make what can potentially be a loving relationship into something shallow and throw away because they don't know how to interact like normal functional people (obviously not all of them), but they treat relationships transactional as well (again not all do), like I'll do this for you, if you buy me that, which is sad.
I'm proud of you for speaking your mind and not just stopping at criticism, but explaining the consequences of the behavior you are criticizing.
Yeah. I’ve been wanting to make videos like this for a while about societal observations but I was kind of scared since Korea can be really sensitive when someone shares societal issues. But I think peopke know how that I do love Korea and just want to see the best for this country and share experiences so they can help people
The way parents have been taught that they have the right to direct their childrens lives, without boundaries, the enmeshment ,demanding their children make the family look good, while denying their child's individuality and opinions, all this even in adulthood ....is eerily similar to narcissism.
Its no wonder so many are depressed and codependent in their relationships. I could unpack this all day. It's like a culture with built in narcissism, by way of parental rights only. That creates so many issues.
For any of us in the West who were raised by Narcissists, you'll totally get what i mean.
Great video, Megan!
IT IS NARCISSISM. The traditional Korean culture gets their philosophy from Confucius, which has some pros, but the hierarchical tradition is extremely militant, which doesn't allow for a soldier to question a captain. It's a one-way street. A ONE - WAY RELATIONSHIP. ...ONE PERSON barks orders and one person obeys without questions or dialogue, just like a military regime.
THAT IS NARCISSISTIC. This type of demand in the traditional Korean custom supports narcissistic personality disorders. There are Korean psychologists talking about this, FINALLY. Let's be crystal clear, though. MOST CULTURES THRIVE around appeasing narcissistic personalities that head corporate cultures and politics, so this is typical in EVERY CULTURE, with a few exceptions, NOT just Korea's. That is why there is emotional violence, manipulation, and toxicity in EVERY culture and tradition.
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EXACTLY! 💯
I started seeing this around 8 years ago when I started watching Korean content. NPD to the core.
Sisilessthan3 just put up a video about the 4B movement. And I said the same thing you just did. It's all embedded in Confucianism. This is why Japan and China have similar issues.
The filial piety, the son and dad worship...you must obey the older son and the father.
The "harmony" rules in Confucianism have everyone looking the same and calling even strangers brother, sister, uncle. And when you look really close at Confusius' life, seems much of his philosophy came from growing up without his father and being raised in poverty by his deceased dad's concubine.
It's like he based his theory on how he imagined an ideal that he never had.....family he never had. This of course leading to a form of worship of parents that he longed for. It goes deep in so many ways.
It is surprising.. sadly in some countries the parents have a saying that can be translated in a way as" I am the one that made you, and I am the only one that has the right to kill you".
@@szszszsz95395Sounds EXACTLY like my father (Kazakh).
When he started asking about my opinion, I was SO confused because I did not have the right to speak before. Then it quickly turned out to be a trap. He expected me to guess his opinion and voice it. No other opinions and ideas are allowed. It's impossible to win.
@@juliab3326I’m American but it’s the same with my father. I cut him off. No money for me in the will 😂 I keep my mental health and save as much as I can.
It is so important to see children as people. It's also important to remember that every person is living a life as vivid and real as our own. Many people seem to forget these things and it deeply impacts how they treat their children and others they interact with.
I like what the monk said about paying forward to the next generation. It makes much more sense.
This video resonated so much with me as a foreigner living here in Korea. The lack of deep connections, support, mutual respect, and empathy/sympathy in any relationships is so odd to experience. All relationships from family, to friends, to coworkers, to romantic relationships all have such a very superficial nature that it's really sad. I've had Koreans tell me things about their family or relationship and I'm in my head like "ummm...that's not normal". Glad you were able to explain a little deeper these dynamics.
By the way, your arms and physique look GREAT, FIT, and HEALTHY. Go Girl!!
She's an athlete 😊
@MeganMoony Yes! Tell me what to do. I love your channel!
Cheryl Denise Pumphrey
Yes her arms are goals 🤩
When I was growing up, here in the USA I used to hear parents say "stop crying, or I'll give you a reason to cry" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" I saw very competitive parents, especially around sports.
😳
yeah... I think some of these things are pretty universal to some degree but they might be more extreme in Korean culture, like the wife taking over the duty to call her in-laws or the need to give a set amount of money to your parents each and every month
That is universal unfortunately
I’m a mum of 3, youngest is now 17. Trust me when I say that when my mum would say things like this to me, I would think I would never say it to my child. Well I think the one I used, if they fell, was “is it bleeding? Can you move it? Yeah, you are ok”. If they were screaming then I would comfort them. Yes I am in my 50’s and that’s how we were brought up. Thing is, I’ve changed so that my children feel that they can talk to me about anything and sometimes I do wish they would talk to a friend about their s life. Though I am happy they feel safe enough to talk to me.
my family is russian, same with us
When I was on a trip to Korea in 2017 I really felt the more depressing vibe in Seoul. Despite the nice things, the wonderful and kind people I met and such I saw people rushing around, the elderly lady struggling pushing a cart full of cardboard up a hill while everyone was walking past her and the cars driving by, business man sleeping on a bench while being wasted and still be there the next morning or I saw them rushing to the subway to go to work I assume. I was telling one of my group mates but she didn’t understand what I was trying to say about the vibe I felt. Maybe I was more sensitive to it because at that time I wasn’t doing great mentally at the time I went on that trip.
I don't see myself ever living in Korea long term for sure no matter how much I also enjoyed being there and I want to go back one day.
I’m American, married to a Korean and we live in Korea and have two kids and I totally notice most of what you’ve said here. I wasn’t raised with a very emotionally stable / mature family, though, so I didn’t grow up feeling able to talk to my parents that easily and my parents often said things like, “You should be grateful I do xyz for you,” and so on… so I can relate to a lot of that side of things. ESPECIALLY them wanting me to call/text them constantly and if not, they think I’m mad at them 😒 I also have had disagreements with my in-laws where they were yelling at me for giving advice/speaking my mind about things to my MIL like it’s not my “place” to say she should do something because I’m the daughter-in-law.
I have seen so many parents get MAD at their kid for falling over and crying. One kid fell on his bike and his mom yelled at him, “Don’t fall down!” And I was like… he already did, so ask if he’s okay! And a lot of parents tell their kids “괜찮아!“ if they get hurt instead of ASKING if they are okay first.
As a mom who reads a lot of psychology/parenting books, I’m going to check out your recommendations! I am reading 화해 which I really like and I love Dr. Becky’s Good Inside and The Whole-Brain Child. I own a bookstore here in Korea in my neighborhood, so I put out a lot of parenting books in Korean and English and recommend them to parents all the time because I think they can shed light on a different perspective. So many parents here kind of copy each other or just do what they have seen and it’s usually punishment first, feelings never.
But I also think a lot of people are trying to change how their kids are raised vs how they were raised - I see a lot of parents who are really respectful of their kids and willing to learn and my son goes to yuchiwon where they send us parents a lot of information and we have classes like 부모교육 and one of them was for consent and sex/ed and it was really great information and I can see the difference it’s making slowly but surely.
A few days ago I saw a video of a guy critiquing some youtuber moms who were discussing how they took the doors off their kids’ rooms and they look at all their phone messages, and how they want their kids to be good at everything (sports, schoolwork, socializing) and the comments from fellow Korean parents were pointing out how unrealistic and harmful those things are. Expecting your kid to ONLY study for hours and hours but also have amazing social skills and be Olympic level athletes - that’s so unattainable!
Oooh, I saw that too! Weren’t those moms the meanest things! I was shocked about the one that left her 5 y/o daughter in that horrible school until she started to spiral- for SIX months! She finally took her out but good grief.
@@SLite930 Right - she sent her to a yuchiwon that was very study focused. Those kids are THREE years old to FIVE years old! Play is super important at a young age. I send my son to a play/nature-based preschool where they go on nature walks, learn about bees and frogs, visit museums, and play on the playground. If they learn things, it’s because they are enjoying themselves. I used to work at an all-English preschool and the kids basically never went outside. They were yelled at if they didn’t finish their work “on time” and had homework. It seemed so bizarre that we were already stressing kids out. I think it’s up to the parents to make sure their kids are safe and happy and able to play and just be a kid. The education system values test scores and competition, etc. but I feel like as a parent, I can do things to let my kids “opt out” of that kind of mentality. Life should be fun and little kids learn through play the best.
Omg this is insightful for myself! Your children definitely are lucky to have you as a mother 😊
Just trying to do my best~
Watching a phone vid with you sitting on the floor feels so nostalgic.
Thank you for touching on all the realities of life in SK.
This was a really good topic and discussion. I live in Barbados and a lot of what you said applies to me. My dad was always comparing us to children at church and in the community. My older brother got the worst of it cuz so many of his peers went on to become doctors and my brother did not. It was my dad's treatment of my older brother that drove me to force through a law degree (I was not interested in law and now i feel stuck in a profession i don't like) Even with my achievements my dad is still not satisfied; he is always on my case about going into politics or opening my own law firm. Now that I'm in my 30's he's also on my case about children and marriage and he feels a way because he has no grandchildren while all his neighbours and friends from church do. He is also always making these comments about us not loving him because we don't give him money. He pesters me about putting money into the house or buying new appliances and furniture. He never lets me forget how expensive law school was (but he never remembers that law was not my dream it was his). My dad never misses a chance to express his disappointment in us, I can not recall in all my 38 years of life my dad ever saying to me or my brothers that he is proud of us.
BUT I will say this to others who have had it the same as me, for your own health you need to soemetimes forget your parents and chart your own course in life.
I am proud of you❤
Bajan/Caribbean families can be soooo toxic. I fully relate. My dad is from barbados, whole family so I grew up in America with my Bajan family… constant criticism, reprimanding, put downs, ridicule and beatings. I’m 34 and am still crippled by it but trying to make a way.
I’m 🙏🏾 for us all! It’s extremely hard out here and it seems like it never ends. Glad Megan and others use their platform to help others ❤ I needed to hear this.
@@LizNeptuneCrazy we all have similar stories. I’m born and raised in Texas. My dad was in the military and we were all afraid of him including my mom. He would bark orders etc.. When I became an adult I cut him off until my mother sucked me back in about family, family. I learned my mother would never leave and has become bitter and wants us to be miserable like her. No they can just deal with each other I’m focusing on me. All the calls and harassment from them both is crazy like Megan stated.
They try to be loving that way but it ends up hurting instead of being good for the person. That sucks.
Transactional friendships is a real thing. I had a few friends for a few years then realized I was no longer a friend if they "upgraded" in life faster than me. I didn’t do that if I reached a milestone faster though. Talk about culture shock!😢
You missed out on nothing the Most High and your spiritual team allowed the trash to take itself out. Now you will have your soul family that will be on your level. Thank God for fake people that left 😂
@@QrannBadal-j2b Amen, thanks and God bless 💕💕💕
What's sad is those who take their own lives think they are ending the pain but really what happens is its passed to the ones who love them. It's a vicious cycle and I really hope the stigmatism of mental health everywhere is lifted and those who need help are able to seek it without being made to feel like they are weak for not being able to snap out of it.
I've been living here for 6 years and recently did a "purge" of those superficial friends.. I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. Fortunately, I enjoy my alone time, but I don't always enjoy being lonely. That's been probably one of the most difficult trade offs for me living in Korea, and I know it's not just me. So many friendships are surface level, and I'm glad you mentioned "functioning families," because sometimes I get discouraged when my Korean friends say they don't have time to hang out/have to "spend time with family" instead.
I can relate to this so much. I was born in Korea but moved to the US before I turned 2 years old, and my parents were born in the early 60s. The generational gap is insane. I definitely do not feel close to my family and it does very much feel like I'm just going through a checklist.
Thanks for sharing. And sorry you are dealing with that. Hang in there! I think in those cases it’s so important to find family within your friends if it can’t be worked out with family to have that emotional closeness.
This is so on point on asian family culture in general, especially on the filial piety and whole guilt tripping part - the one key thing that has stuck with me from childhood and shaped the entirety of my relationship with my parents is remembering how they say i owe them for everything, that they're spending so much on me, i should be grateful and pay them back and take care of them when theyre old. Ive always view this relationship as transactional as a result. great job capturing the essence of the issues! Would love more of such videos to learn more about what these korean experts wrote since it's unlikely their books have english translations? Super insightful and captures what ive been feeling so well
Yes, I hate that in our culture. If you are a loving parent who didn't care for these things, kids would most likely WANT to be around parents when they get older. I love my mom but sometimes the whole 'owe' thing really gets to me. I wasn't asked to be on this earth, you brought me here it is the parents responsibility to raise that child and then let them fly free. I have a 4 year old and I will NEVER ask him for anything, he never owes me anything. I just want to see his beautiful face and see him grow.
@@Esther-32013 I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, etc. These parental expectations are universal, in arguably every country bc there is no financial safety net for senior citizens. I do wonder if this is a working/middle class issue globally.
There's no financial safety net for elders and for centuries, parents depended on their adult children.
It's universal. Historically, parents depended on their adult children as financially safety nets worldwide bc we do not have financial safety nets for elders.
I have lived in Argentina, Uruguay, Viet Nam, New Zealand, Canada, etc. This is not exclusive to any singular culture, it's definitely global. I think it is more of a social class issue.
Isn't filial piety a huge part of Confucianism? Since that is a foundation of many Asian societies, it would be mind bogglingly hard to change...
That's really interesting and yes very toxic. I've also seen some of that stuff in several cultures that they behave like a poor farm society and as soon as the kid starts earning money the parents stop working and expect to be catered to and as if they are now old. Like lady, you are only 45, you are still able to work and not a poor disabled woman two steps from the grave, you still have 40 years left to live, you no longer die at 50.
I'm dutch, kids are appreciated as individuals and there is a lot of talking and sharing opinons. I agreed with my grandmother and mother on a lot of things. You don't have to do great at school, we sort of feel you are born with certain talents or not so being made to study a ton will not help. Kids sleep more than anywhere else because of the regularity of the day, so kids are happier. They know what to expect, dutch people will leave a party for kid's bedtime. They talk during meals, bread for breakfast and lunch so not much cooking time for a caretaker and you can all sit down at the table and have that communication.
@@pliktl I'm not in one.
I’ve also noticed how Korea, Japan and a lot of other collectivist societies where family and community are cornerstones of the culture have big issues with loneliness and depression. Maybe because the concepts themselves are pushed only on a superficial level? Or the competitive nature of the economy makes it hard to connect with folks who are your competition (and the consequences of losing out on opportunities are at the forefront of people’s minds)? Or, folks are just working 24-7 and have no time to truly connect??
Japan was amazing as a solo introvert traveler, but only for a couple of weeks-I love interacting with my parents and friends, having work-life balance, etc…
It definitely is just superficial. In my family's culture "family" is highly valued. In theory.
To them, family sticks together, is loyal and obedient, without ever voicing real thoughts, feelings or calling out abuse. It's nothing more than highly hierarchical, sexist, superficial etc. It's basically just an act that starts to crumble as soon as you don't play along anymore. Step out of line and you're the devil's incarnate. So it's better to bite on your tongue and "do your job", so that everyone "gets along".
Changing their perspective is impossible too.
@@juliab3326 it makes me sad; I don’t know if my parents and grandparents were “progressive” in the sense that my brothers and I had an open door policy with them, and we weren’t expected to tolerate abuse from anyone (family or strangers), but it sucked to hear others tell me how lucky I am to have that type of relationship with them. I thought that was the norm. That’s why a lot of our friends growing up called them “mom” and “dad”; they could actually talk to my parents about things. Not saying my parents never laid down the law (lol), but they were open to listening.
Crazy mother-in-law stories. Yessssss. This is such a great topic, with all the Korean variety shows I watch, you can kind of see these issues in the interactions.
@@pliktl oh no! I’m sorry to hear that. But I’m glad you guys are in a better place ❤️❤️❤️
I am living in the US and am married to a Korean man, and your video has validated SO MANY of my experiences with my in-laws. Thank you, they seem to think I am the crazy one, but I am not.
My husband is Korean American and I'm Latina (non-Asian) and I've experienced this even here in the states. He doesn't really call his family since they have 0 emotional connection with his family. They put a lot of pressure on him (and now by default, me) to live a certain way and make a certain amount of money and I'm the breadwinner which they try to shame him for. His immediate family too doesn't get along with his extended family because of fights and competitiveness amongst the cousins. It's super disheartening and makes me sad since I am very close to my parents and extended family. It's really impacted him and his mental health (now he lives with so much shame) and how he sees family. Thank you for talking about this since it helped me understand a bit more too
Oh my god, I would have hours worth of yapping about all of the issues Korea has, but you mentioned most of them. Although I would like to add jealousy. Koreans are so openly jealous, and they are not ashamed to show it. I am white and pale as a sheet, my two boys are half white half korean. Often people comment on how they are jealous and how their kids can never be as while as mine. It baffles me how someone can even think that about their own children.
Also, I've been living here for almost 10 years since my first son was born and trying to make friends with the other moms is impossible. First of all, they don't want to even talk to me expecting me not to speak korean. And even if I say hello and they hear me speaking korean to my children, they still look me up and down but never even saying hello even our kids are friends. I've given up and hang on for dear life on the one singular friend I managed to meet and hope some sane person comes along at some point.
That’s the same reason the Asians in western countries are always seen as foreigners even if they were born locally as 2nd or 3rd gen
wow 😮
Thank you for bringing attention to mental health, as wellness, holistically, is important anywhere we may live.
I had to because it seems to impact so many people.
Generational trauma and mental wellness is so needed in the POC communities. We got way to many live like the jones, secrecy, and unhealthy expectations for people who we call family.
I have to learn emotions and compassion when I turn 15 years old. I was born and raised in South Korea. I am so grateful to my parents from Honolulu, Hawaii
Meghan is doing so well to recognize the issues her children may be facing and researching so she can help them. I know so many people whose children have issues that they don't even do the basics. I know a couple of families with children who are deaf or non verbal yet mentally fine but the parents won't start them on sign language nor learn sign themselves. It's as if they don't realize how important communication is for the child (between them and the child or for the child in life eventually outside the home).
Girl you hit the nail on the head. My husband and I were discussing this topic just the other night. My husband’s whole point was that even though he has experienced this type of uprbrining, he’s determined to end the cycle. He express led how much more happy he is trying to just live without concern about what others think and expect of him. everyone talks about the low birth rate here and tbh this is the biggest contributor to that issue I think. No one wants the additional toxicity and financial burden that comes with getting married and having children.
I absolutely loved that you discussed this. I am not korean, but my husband is and i have definitely observed all of the things you talked about. My in laws moved from Korea over 30 years ago and they still apply this to their " children" who are all over 40 years of age. And I have seen first hand the backlash from my mother in law when my husband tried to set firm boundaries when we hade our own children.
Whew - you need your own RUclips channel!
Thank you for having the courage to address this taboo topic. Many of my suspicions about Korean relationships and parental dynamics have been confirmed. I am impressed with the research you are doing. Please continue to report back your findings to us. I think you may have opened a Pandora's box....
So many traumas have been subconsciously passed down. I say this as someone who had the realization, and am taking action to heal and to not subconsciously continue to pass them on. I’ve tried talking to my Asian mother about what I’ve discovered, but she insists I’m wrong, yet I see the same things I deal with in HER actions. I know she’s set in her ways, but I at least tried to have the conversation. I wish my father was around to have this discussion as well [he’s AA], but he transitioned many years ago. No matter where we are in this world, a lot of us have this common thread. Great video, Megan!
So glad you're speaking honestly and thoroughly about these things! I think you may have a clear lens as a foreigner that native Koreans just may not be able to see, so I'm glad you decided to make this video that helps international people understand but also maybe some Koreans that may watch this! Very informative! The whole "pay your parents back" thing is literally my worst nightmare. As children, you did not ask to be born and take on the responsibility of needing care etc. That's on the parents to have brought you into the world and its so unfair to the children in any society to be burdened like that. Its an antiquated way of thinking IMO that you just have to have children so you have someone to take care of you when youre old..its a very selfish basepoint if you think of it and not in the benefit of the child or for the betterment of the future if it just started on you only worried about having someone to take care of you and guilt-trip them to do so and the part where you said they are insecure the kids could run off, well that right there shows something is wrong with how you raised them and the relationship if you had that you would think they would abandon you...
All the things you mentioned between 9:00 and 10:45 are the exact things I grew up experiencing in Jamaica 🇯🇲.
I remember as a child I couldn’t understand this dynamic but was too afraid to say anything and didn’t have anyone to talk to about my experiences.
It was a requirement for me to respect those older than me regardless of I was being respected. The idea of respecting a child was unheard of.
Anything that bothered you had to be kept in and fear and guilt were used as a form of control.
I learnt to feel tremendous fear, guilt and shame from an early age and these are the things I’m currently navigating at 35 years young.
Today, there are so many emotional, mental and psychological things I’m having to navigate and process and release because of these very experiences.
I’m a bit triggered by this but I’m leaning into what’s coming up for me.
Same here, I feel like it’s really screwed my over in the corporate world
As someone who grew up in a very toxically family-oriented household in the US; I feel you. It wasn't until my 30s that I realized how much that had conditioned me to base personal self worth on external validation and how much that mindset makes it so difficult to be at peace with yourself. I'm happy this generation is acknowledging how unhealthy that is and trying to work on through it.
My family dynamics are very similar to the Korean ones you described. For 34 years, I've been striving to meet my family's expectations because I "owe it to them". Only recently, with the support of my therapist, husband, and friends, have I found the courage to attempt to set boundaries with my family. However, it didn't go well, and now I'm not in contact with them at all, and it's been really hard. I also agree with the generation gap issue. Even though my parents are relatively young (in their early 50s), they were primarily raised by their grandparents, so they have adopted that older generation's mentality.
This was both interesting and sad to hear. I’m from the American South like you, and I have a loud family that likes to get in each other’s business, but I love it. You seem like sunshine, and I bet your warmth and openness is comforting to the people around you.
Ive been watching you for over 10 years and I just need to tell you how inspirational and beautiful you are as a person, I am very proud of you Megan, thank you for letting us into your life.
Thank you for not approaching this topic in shallow or dehumanizing way. It was nuanced and very informative, without being judgemental. I felt like I learned a lot watching this.
Hearing whats underneath the surface of Korean society like this was so interesting. The entirety of a society depends on how the subsequent generations are raised, prepared & conditioned to deal with the world and its so important to talk about this and put a spotlight on the problems to make the world a better and more enlightened, loving place. Its fantastic to know that at least Luna and Rubin will have a chance to improve all of the lives THEY will touch by having you as their mother who is aware of it all. :)
I really appreciate Megan’s insight in these topics bc it’s not very talked about from a foreigner objective perspective without being super critical or blatantly negative.
I’m genuinely so grateful that my Korean in-laws are very loving and kind people who like spending family time without being overbearing which is also a problem in Korea. My husband is also very good at setting boundaries although they do treat me like a daughter and accepted me from day one, I know that my husband puts our marriage as a priority which is very assuring for me as a foreigner spouse. I think it’s the type of balance you should make sure that exists in the family.
This video could’ve been 3 hours long and I would’ve watched the whole thing. This video is very interesting and I would love for you to make more just like this. Yes please make videos about all the crazy MIL stories you’ve heard. Turn it into a series!
SO MUCH WISDOM IN ONE SINGLE VIDEO.
Been in Korea 9 years and I feel honestly just so validated by much of what you have said. I am not married like you but I have witnessed this expectation from parents a lot but more so I have really struggled with making friends due to much of what you mentioned- it being hard to find friends who you can have deep connections with and much of the friendships feel transactional. I just thought people maybe defined friendships differently or opened up in a different way, but I had never once considered it could have stemmed from the family unit! I noted the books you mentioned and I will probably be reading them very soon 👀. I love this type of sit down video you do I hope you come back to do some more. I am always curious about your pov especially as your life and experiences in Korea change and deepen. ❤️
Wow this video comes right at the right time. I am currently writing my master thesis about how parents expectations and behaviours impact their children’s mental health and I cover a lot of the topics you have just mentioned. One big thing about Korean people comparing each other and ppl judging is literally taught to them. Which is crazy imo. Now take this with a grain of salt I also just repeat what I have read while doing my research, but children are taught from a young age to judge others, feelings of guilt and indebtedness is hammered into their heads from a young age, and mothers anxiety definitely also has a big impact on children. Which is very sad to see. I also talked to a Korean friend of mine once, telling him that most of my Korean friendships feel very superficial and he told me that a lot of Korean ppl don’t want to talk about their personal hardships because of all the comparing and judging that’s going on. Everyone has their package to carry but not being able to share it with anyone must be really hard. 😢 anyway thank you so much for this video, it was really interesting!! I would love to read these books you mentioned one day. 😊
I enjoy this type of video. It's interpersonal and doesn't feel so reality TV. I don't mind the other videos you make with the help of videographers, that's all cool, but this definitely brings back the vibes from your past videos. I learned a lot in this video. It's definitely got me thinking about my own upbringing and the impacts of emotional and physical closeness and vulnerability on relationships.
Omg!! My mom was like that always comparing her friends kids to her own kids. That really messed up my self esteem growing up. Eventually I moved on and determined not to mess up my kids emotionally. My relationship with my mom is still strained, it is what it is.
just want to say thanks for elaborating on this topic. im chinese but a lot of the concepts for 'filial piety' and honoring your parents are incredibly relatable here and have made me feel anxious and guilty simply with my own existence. it is hard to understand these feelings and it's really nice that you were able to put it into words and analyse this for both sides of the party e.g. parents and children. also interested in reading that monk's book! :) 💚
💯 💯 💯 💯 @ 21:25 Omg Megan, I needed to hear this. There's a terminology~ "Moms baby their sons, but raise their daughters." This is the story of my life. I lost my Mom 2 yrs ago and me being the oldest & the only daughter, I've now "inherited" the emotional burden of keeping up with household demands. I was born & raised in the States, but there is a generational gap, tradition & cultural differences between my Dad & myself. I recognize it is terrible, horrible communication. Like non-existant. YES. I would love to hear more about the mother-in-laws stories you've heard 🙏🙏
Nina, your comment touched my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss. You seem like a kind, sensitive person, and I think that will help you forge a “new normal” with your family ❤
Your skin care routine got my skin back! Miss Moon looking amazing as usual. Also, great topic to touch on. 🤗
❤❤❤❤❤ thanks for watching and supporting~~ glad you are loving the skincare as much as I am!
On another note, you're such a good mom. I know us parents often ask ourselves whether we do the right thing, but I can tell you definitely do. Showing up for them, reflecting your actions and environment and staying in communication with them is SO important. You're doing great!❤
Thank you so much for this video! I got married in Korea last year and am starting to observe all these things about Korean society but had a hard time putting it into words
Thanks for watching~~ I hope you dna navigate everything in a healthy way~~
Thank you for being so transparent about this topic, especially as it's a sensitive one. Mental health and a feeling of community are so important and fundamental to living a healthy life. We've got to normalize talking about these heavy topics because it's so important!!
Korea has always appeared depressing. The people looking so unhappy and extremely materialistic. The first clue is the constant celebrities taking their lives. Very hollow existence.
Yes I visited from Japan, which I love by the way! As soon as I left the airport and got on the train it seemed so depressing! In general the people don’t give off a friendly energy like some other countries.
@@dani4845japan is just as bad, if not worse...
@@priiifrg Japan is so much better in my opinion. I told my Korean colleague my experience and she was not surprised at all. I met some friendly people, but in general cold energy. The people are not as friendly and courteous as Japan.
@@dani4845Japan is politeness… not kindness.
I love how you honour your in-laws. I'm sure you've had challenges but you're very gracious and understanding. You speak about it so wisely.
Megan, I watched your vids since the first day you started uploading. We had some things in common back then with career and all. This is a great topic. It puts 'Keeping up with the Joneses' to shame. The pressure is too extreme. I hope many Koreans tune in.
Before RM went into the military, he was saying, "The love we think we know is not really love." It was something he brought up in a discussion. He is known to read many self-help and introspective books. I hope you get his new album, Right Place Wrong Person. He drops his idol facade and pulls everyone into his mind, the burdens, who he is as a person, and on the search to find what he values. There are no skips on that album. You will be pleasantly surprised.
Very interesting! I like this type of real conversation. Love all your other videos as well, but this is just very down to earth, talking about societal issues. Thank you for the eye-opening conversation!
I will definitely do more of these from now on~~ so many things I’ve had in my mind these days.
I wish I could like this video twice…so well done…
Not only do they “feel” they are a bad son/dtr for not fulfilling their parents every wish but they are very likely TOLD implicitly and outright that they are a bad son/dtr by the parents, rest of the family, the society at large. This is why practicing the use of one’s own inner knowing and internal compass (something that you, Megan, have done over and over again) is the most important tool to not falling for other people’s ideas of morality or other people’s idea of how you should be or how your life should look. When you know who you are and what your purpose is which relates to the real reason why you exist then you are less susceptible to falling for the myth that you exist only to serve your parents almost as a sentencing for being granted a life in the first place. No wonder unaliving oneself seems like a solution to this sentencing.
I know this will help so so many people thank you for making this video I’m hoping you make more on these kinds of topics.
This is true for a lot of Asian but also South American families. I feel both sides. Born with Asian background in a Western culture (Europe). As a (life)coach I encounter a lot of people with questions on their happiness. So glad to see this is becoming a topic to discuss more! Great insights!❤
I've lived in countries across all continents. This is true for families from the Caribbeans, Central America, Africa, Asia, North America, Australia, etc.
Korean American here. 100% agree with EVERYTHING you said. I majored in psychology and minored in philosophy.
I also have a more distant relationship with my parents, just in the way that being around them for more than 1 or 2 days stresses me out and they would never be the people I'd call about...most things. Good things, bad things, especially not to talk about feelings in any way because they're just not...idk, compassionate in that way. I always admire my friends that have this kind of close relationship with their parents and can say that just this kind of distance alone can be lonely, but add to that all of the more extreme aspects like the guilt-tripping for existing, paying back, the forced respect, the huge generational gap simply caused by modernization/industrialisation etc. and of course people struggle in their relationships. And then you add the stigma and lack of support around mental health issues so people never learn how to deal with these things properly and it's a recipe for disaster.
I am READY for the MIL stories 😂 Spill the tea!
Meagan ! Whew!! You hit the nail on the head with this video . I am black and my significant other is Cambodian. I have been telling him this for years ! The family dynamics are wayyyyyy different in Black and Asian cultures. It feels great to finally know I am not the only one who experienced this . Thank you for Sharing ❤
Love this video! I'd like to add something about the last point you made about mothers being anxious/obsessive about their children when the children leave the family house... I do understand your point about feeling like they had no faith in you living on your own, but I also think it has a lot to do about the fact that they're not NEEDED anymore, they're not useful and it's a huge part of their anxiety.... because all they did for so many years was to raise the children and that was their WHOLE purpose in life, and now that this purpose is gone, it's an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and having no purpose in their lives....!! I know because my mum was like that (and still is sometimes) for a VERY long time after we left the house to go to 'the big city' and build our own life!!!!!!!!! 😊🙄😮💨😑
I have noticed the negative side of these things in Korea too, but I have seen some who have great relationships with their family's too, so there is hope for a positive change in the future. I can understand your concern considering your little ones though.
Thank you for bringing up this truth...I always pray for Koreans.
13:07 Im originally from Dominican Republic, and ime from a big " close" familly and what my cousin and I all agree om is how much comparing there is in our family. I made it my number one rule that I wont allow anyone to compare my child ro other s or other children to him and my cousin do the same. And its crazy, because our parents see it as us been disrespectful lol because we also group up in a family that what the adults said, was law and having a different opinion meant that your been disrespectful to your elder. I have slowly help my parent see this a little different just a little bit. Now I merriered into a Peruvian family, and all though they work together very close family I notice that the older generation has no boundaries, omg my grandma in law be wanting to have a key for my appartment since we got merried almost 13 years ago. But I said, no thank you. I had already had to deal with them buyinng things with my fridge in mind, and if I didnt answer the phone on time so they can pick up wte was in my fridge /freezer I had to tolarate hearing about it. Yeah, I stopped this very quickly, lol.
As someone who has watched your videos since I was a teen and now is reaching my 30s, I'm so proud of you. I know i have nothing to do with you, will probably never meet you, but you're amazing and i feel genuine pride seeing you succeed and have a happy family. You have beautiful children and truly care about their success. I'll join you on tiktok and i hope to see more from you in the future💜💜💜
This is one of my favorite videos that you’ve posted this year so far. Thank you for the insight.
I'm grateful to have been following your journey since your transitioning from Florida to South Korea. You are doing great. As someone who had to move back down south to live with my parents after the crazy rent increase in NYC, I learned how valuable that type of relationship is where you can communicate about almost anything. I have chatted with virtual friends from other places about this financial setback still affecting me mentally as a daughter/mom and they say it's not a big deal to live with parents, family should be close. Thank you for talking about this, there are a lot of people that see don't realize this is reality. More people should discuss mental health like this so there can be hope and changes for future generations.
First of all thank you for the immense respect you're showing to the society and the challenges they face. You presented everything so calm, so free of judgment, so empathic (even though you surely have lived enough experiences yourself and especially now with your kids that you could slip into criticism). It was a pleasure to listen to you!
I for one would absolutely ADORE to have more content like this from your side. Telling us experiences from your life in Korea that are shared in a sensible way and point a picture of the reality without inserting either overly positive (fantasy-like) or negative (catastrophic-like) emotions. It felt unbiased, even though you live there and are absolutely affected by some of the things you mentioned. I would even pay to see more videos like this!
It's important to talk about this. I haven't lived in Korea, but I have lived abroad and it can be very difficult socially. A lot of people get very lonely.
That was some pretty good analysis from a self-proclaimed “non-professional”. Your experiences, intelligence, and, your common sense give you a solid insight.
The idea of parent “payback” really blows my hair back. Your comment about an opposite concept of “pay it forward” to the next generation is closer to how I was raised.
Another opposite way to how we were taught is comparing your life and circumstances to other people - talk about a recipe for unhappiness!
You can live in a capitalist society and maintain values - knowing that people, relationships, and our natural world are what matters, what you need to put first, not “stuff.”
If Koreans are starved or repressed or deprived in their most important family relationships, maybe those deep emotions come out through their work.
It seems to me that, in general. Koreans do an incredible job of pouring their feelings into their art.
- they produce exquisite music, films, artistic designs for every medium and form of expression. They show such depth of feeling and sensitivity.
Anyhow, your ideas and analysis were very thought provoking and interesting. You’re a smart cookie and a lovely seeming person. (Your Korean language skills just slay me!)
Thanks for everything!
My daughter is about three months younger than the twins, and I have been thinking so much about how I don't want my relationship with her to be like the one with my mother, which definitely feels very transactional! She must have studied the school of older generation Korean parenting haha. Lots of negativity and comparisons.
I'm also thinking hard about how to respond when she does these things in front of my daughter, so that my daughter can grow up free of the guilt and negative comparisons that I had drilled into me. (I am lucky to have found friends who have filled the family gap in my life, as I do for them now that I think about it 🤔).
I love how you seek wisdom in every aspect of your life! You question and reflect, that is such an incredibly powerful skill to have 💛
Also, for a moment of materialism, your top is 🔥
I can listen to you all day long... can you please share more about this 😂 I am feeling sooo validated and how I can really relate and not feeling like the only weirdo that cannot get along well with mother in law.. because as you said most people don't want to hear about this.. not even my counsellors, to the point I am scared to share this with new therapists.
I’m not in Korea but my upbringing in SEA is very similar, the comparison, the lack of problem solve skill together since young age due to focus on the mistakes we made with anger & frustrations made me who I am now.
Shame was “useful” as a kid as I relied on it to survive, but how it backfires so in my inner child healing journey I try not to shame myself whenever I make a mistake / mess up.
I also give myself permission to rest whenever I’m tired, lots of Asians were brought up thinking we need to earn rest like we didn’t deserve rest unless we’ve done a lot of work in order to rest. I literally have to remind myself to take a break everyday as an adult, even if it’s just 10mins.
As a parent I try my best not to react the same way how my parents & teachers in Asia reacted whenever I messed up.
Spilled juice or milk can be annoying, especially if you’ve just cleaned the floor or carpet. Not fun, but knowing how to express our frustration in a healthy way and not to burden kids with our own emotions is very important skill! I try to say “oops, it spills again huh~ How do you think we should clean this?” (Wait for my kid to answer, if they can’t we can show them how. This way they can learn to focus on problem solving instead of shaming themselves for messing up in life).
i think you have summarized this really well, if only through the dramas (yes, the k dramas are not so close to reality), but they still reflect certain social issues. It's always about being the best, the most beautiful, the most successful, etc. The way families treat each other is also so disheartening to watch if you are European yourself. No love, no uplifting words, always how much you disappoint your parents and what a failure you are. So I'm not surprised that you get depressed in such an environment. It would be nice if there was a rethink in society, if they carry on as before, society will be destroyed. Just look at the birth rate. :(
Cracked up when Megan was like “I’m just a girl that lives here!” 🤣😂 as a Filipino-American who went to college in Cebu, Philippines and experienced harassment from Koreans on vacation there, this video really explained a lot. It doesn’t justify their actions but it does help me understand their negative actions a little more.
Great video about this serious topic. While we can be understanding about the trauma and pressure older generations went through, in order for there to be closeness, there does have to be a change. One problem of the heirachy system within families is that parents who never let their emotional guard down, can never let their children actually get to know them. One huge cultural aspect I have noticed, growing up in Australia but living in Korea, is that adult children know very little about their own parents. They don't know their parents' favourite food or movie or music. There is such a barrier there. But in many western families, we do know these things about our parents. As adults we can talk to parents as friends. Since my husband and his sister have both lived in Australia with my family and traveled, they managed to bridge that gap and the family is much closer now. It also helps that my inlaws have a good mentality. For example my mother in law had an awful mother in law so she never wasted to treat her daughter in law badly like that. They also believe in paying it forward to the next generations and want to give us money rather than us giving them money. But it could take a long time for all of society to change.
Hi Megan, I've been a long time viewer of your channel. I really appreciate you speaking on this topic. There are definitely similarities with other non western cultures (Asian, African, Spanish, for example) with regard to the differences between generations. I think there are many many adults who are working through the emotions and stress that comes from these types of family dynamics and expectations. This was insightful and I liked learning more about this aspect of Korean culture. Thank you.
You talking about this topic is so helpful about other societies and toxic norms! It’s so relatable to me (I’m black) and I even see this hierarchy within my own family-especially Mississippian Southern households. I always remind my mom (especially when it comes back to paying homage or family) that it is toxic the way that she and my family does it. Seeing your video gives me confirmation of a lot of family traditions being repressive and needs to be changed. People are evolving and so should family dynamics, everything that seems to be right isn’t always.
Your kids are truly blessed! I just know they will grow to be secure adults because of you ✨️💖
I LOVE how you are able to adapt to the culture and deliver the information so gracefully ♥️ with no judgement and genuine pure FACTS🥰 Love me some Megan Moon🖖🏽