The ex is not doing any better than they were with you with the new person. They may pretend all is well, but it is the same cycle that repeats over and over again.
The benefit I get from your videos is the feeling that I'm not alone! It's a validation that, yes - narcs are real, they're all essentially the same, and it's NOT just me that was tricked. ALL of us were tricked! Take care everybody!
Thank you for your support MilesMommy! Yeah we were all the targets of a con-job and we absolutely were tricked. I'm just grateful we have escaped and didn't have to spend the rest of our lives in that illusion...
Duane my ex narc is who she is. She won't change and the gift she gave me was to betray and abandon me. I'm a happier person now and she's only a liability.
OMG John I'm so glad to hear you're at that stage of this. I often talk about how we ultimately find this experience a gift because without their betrayal (even if its just from rejection) it is the thing that gets you your life back! I definitely hear you about them being a liability! They truly are... but it doesn't have to destroy the rest of your life!
Im 2 years into healing and I still catch myself thinking about it. I have to just remind myself I was with someone with a disorder. I had to sit down and write down things that bring me meaning. I now pursue those things that bring meaning to my life. Once you turn toward yourself, you will turn the corner.
That is so very true flyboy! Isn't it crazy that it is a decision that WE get to make but it takes so much damn work to get to the point that we make that "turn" toward ourselves. That was the whole premise of *absolute thinking* to *remind myself* of the disorder and what was real. Still wasn't easy - but today it's pretty darn nice!
Hi flyboy , im only into a year of finding out that my ex was a narc. It all made sense once i researched this disorder and have been digesting any information. Its encourageing that it gets better
I’m going on 3 years now. Still feels like we just divorced yesterday. She is now a rich man, new car, new home, new life style. While I’m stuck in the same depressing life still. You are right. Comparing is not the way. This video was very helpful. Omg I’m so happy I found your videos. Will keep watching them. Thank you for the help.
I needed to hear this so bad. Thank you. I'm so depressed right now. Not looking for a pity party...I feel worthless right now. I was so good to my ex. She didn't have a pit to piss in when we started dating. After I poured all my energy, time, love and care in every aspect of her life, she became wealthy, successful, popular and living her life better then myself... That's when she really flipped to her true nature. She'd always been difficult and did narcissist things to me, but her success just amplified it to another level. After learning about narcissism, I've learned that she maybe a convert/communal narcissist. I broke up with her last year and was separated for three months. I stayed busy and started to feel kinda hapoy again and boom she calls me out of the blue begging for another chance saying she messed up and she had changed a lot. I reluctantly gave it another chance. And within three months she was worse then before the first split up. So as much as it pained me, i broke up with her again this last December. I have my up and down days and today is definitely a down day. I seen a picture a mutual friend posted of her children who looked at me as a dad. Literally called me dad. Well that picture pulled my heart strings which led me to be stupid and check her FB page and seen a picture she posted that someone took of her. And then I read the comments and my stomach turned. It hurt so bad. This has been the hardest healing process I've ever endured in my life at 46. I'm so tired of this dating game BS. I want someone genuinely good in my life for once. Ugh anyways, i needed to vent, sorry for the rant. Thank you for your video, it helped me get out of my bed and start cleaning
It is so difficult to accept and let go of the illusion of what we *thought* the relationship was. When you realize that they are only playing with you and using you as a vampire would it really rocks your world. No worries about the rant - I think we've all been through it. The really difficult part, at least for men, is no one really talks about this. So you feel all alone when you're going through it. Then, when a guy gets past it (or puts it in a box and ignores it all) they just pretend it never happened. We are then left in the position where we feel like something must be wrong with us because NO ONE ELSE talks about how this is effecting them. Here's the deal, you loved this person, you dedicated time and energy to this person and her kids. Even if now you think/know it was a mistake that doesn't change the fact of the way you felt about her/them. So it's only natural (unfortunately) for when they come back with a "I'm sorry I've changed" to not want to believe it. The reality though is for a narcissist (especially if they are on the personality side of the equation) it typically is MUCH WORSE the next time around. What you have to do now is take that as a data point as to what is "real" and use that. That is why "absolute thinking" is so important (I have a video on that in my channel). It is a methodology of reprogramming our minds on the topic of the ex. Hang in there work4dough - this is tough but it does get easier.
@@DSD Wow! Thank you for the profound wisdom and response. I'll definitely check out that video. Your content has been helping me. Now I need to stop torturing myself and snooping at her Facebook page to see what's her latest news. I know I'm self sabotaging myself when I do, it's just so hard to resist. I tell myself is this helping me or hurting me? But even with all my tactics to stop the temptation is so strong I end up looking 😔. And that's what spins me back into this depressive state of mind. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will continue to watch your videos, they are helping me ☺️
Thank God I passed that stage of feeling less than and paying attention to everything he did with the new supply and comparing myself with her. Now I’m at peace and focusing on myself and the people who truly love me.
That right there is KEY M N. It's really tough to do and I don't think we can truly understand this part of the process UNTIL we get to the point that you are talking about. I remember wanting this peace but just unable to reconcile it in my own mind. Then one day I was just there - but boy did it take a TON of work (and pain) to get there!
Have you found yourself watching your ex and comparing your life to theirs? I know I sure did in the first few years and it was painful and kept me trapped to the ex.
I too have fell victim to this. My ex introduced her boyfriend to our kid’s before the divorce was even finalized, and moved him into the marital house one month after I moved out. It drove me crazy, and I would obsess about it often. In order to get the divorce done, I gave my ex the car, the house and all the future equity. As a result, she was able to purchased a new home, while I continued to rent and had debt up the ass. It made me feel like crap that she had a new relationship, new home, and appeared to be moving on pretty quickly. Even though her “new life” was funded by me, she continued to rub her new relationship in my face, and even told me that “I will be renting for the rest of my life”. It took time, but I slowly started to loose focus on her life, and worry about my own. Sometimes I find myself going back there, but try to immediately change my train of thought. She is a evil, immoral person that isn’t worth one second of my thought. Thanks Duane!
It's so tough Shane and when we make decisions in the moment that hurt us later it makes that wound hurt for a long time. It is just amazing that they are so focused on breaking you, even saying "will be renting for the rest of my life" is just evil. I know what you mean about "going back there" and I did that for a LONG time myself. The reality is they really ARE NOT worth that one second of your thought!
Yup. Still going through it. Even though I know that she’s miserable inside and her life will never amount to anything more than lies and a massive trail of destruction, I still feel like crap knowing it’s going to take serious effort on my part to pick up the pieces of my life after the war she waged on herself leaving myself and my child caught in the crossfire.
Andrew F, it’s amazing the amount of damage they can do, and still make themselves out to be the victim. They also love to paint us as being a terrible partner, in order to justify their disgusting and vindictive behavior. When I finally saw the light, I was mad at myself for being so manipulated.
Shane absolutely and the messed up part that I struggle with is that she plays the victim because she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong and her attitude of “you made me do it” really rubs me the wrong way.
The hardest thing to accept is there never was any truth to the relationship I’ve had with my ex. But the moment I’ve accepted it, the easier it was to move on. To disentangle is going to be very helpful. I had to give up my social media accounts, I blocked him on all channels of communication and used a third person only if he needs to relay a message to me and I stayed away from our common friends, too. So now that he’s trying to work his way back into our lives, i am protected. The less he knows about me, the less the drama and toxicity.
The most confusing experience I have ever encountered. I turned into a person I don’t even know. No answers at all. Literally, I never have known a true narcissist. I got scared and still do off and on, fearing I am the narcissist. Toxic I became and now not only am I suffering from the abuse, but suffering from me acting crazy. People like them are evil. It’s horrific. My prayers to all of us.
It is so easy to get into that trap and unfortunately the other person is a master at the smear campaign. I think almost all of us who have gone through this experience what you're talking about. It really turns out that the best course of action is to stop trying to convince anyone (or even ourselves) of what we know. You just have to accept the truth, BELIEVE IT, and start to pick up the pieces of your life. It is so difficult because the damage they cause is really severe. I hope you're starting to do better Stephanie and starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Great video again, thank you. It made me think... Before being with Narc ex, I had a long term relationship. He left me and I was curious about what was his new life and there here a huge difference with ending with a Narc. This ex just move on in his life, he never let me know if his life was great or no.. My narc ex was always showing that "happy" facade even if I asked for nothing. I think we are stucked because the way they act is just unbelievable and make no sense for us. It's normal to feel bad seeing the other one moving on in his new life without us, but when we have to cope with a Narc we have also to deal more than that because they add injury to our wounds. When you get what you're dealing with, then it's easier because all those non sense behaviors begin to make sense. Kisses from France and all my support for all that to have going through that mess.
The last thing I said “ so there’s no value in me?” The thing said nothing and I knew then that there was nothing in him: A true victim of vacuity no less! 6/7 months later, no contact and he’s hoovered my best friends and I’m going out on a date soon with no-expectations which is, in my mind, progress. Thank you so much for your inspirational vids and your rational is invaluable! X x
Oh A I SO REMEMBER that no value black response. I asked the exact same thing, "is the relationship important" and it was just a blank stare. That was soul crushing at the time - even though I KNEW it was true. Congratulations on your progress! Take things slow with ZERO expectations and just try to have fun!
It’s just so unbelievable. I don’t want to believe it. I gave everything. Could never figure out no matter what I did, the goals would change. It’s beyond science fiction, this is what’s so hard to accept. I knew something was wrong but believed it could be fixed.
I hear you on that one CyptoCoinSafe! I figured "everyone has their issues" BUT "we love each other" so it was just part of the "for better or worse". It just really is difficult to accept...
Especially if we want/need that person to value us. I think we get into this mistake of putting our "self worth" on how others treat us. We give away the keys to our own soul and we should NEVER do that. But, we get conditioned to do that... It took me YEARS to come to terms with that and not have her discard and devaluation of me bother me anymore.
I'm going through this now. My strength came from having a talk with myself. What do I want. My kids need. So, I set my stall out and focused. I manifested my future. And it's starting to materialise in front of me. In front of me, not behind, don't look back.let them go. She walked away. Her shit will follow her. That's not my cross to bare. Stay focused, resilient, and on YOUR purpose. Stay strong, guys. Believe in you.
This video is so helpful 👍🏽A wake up call for all of us who have literally lived in a black hole for a long time😊time to come out of the woods and face the sunshine ☀️ folks!!!life is too short to spend with toxic people. Thank you Duane🙏
Thank you so much for making this video. It is really hard to find a video on RUclips on this topic that actually gives you perspective and not trying to feed you bs. You just got a new subscriber.
I can even see anything she's doing bc she unfriended me and probably blocked my number. Told me she's happy and has peace now. 4 1/2 years and you can just move on and not care.
I can't express enough, how much your videos help me out. I'am struggling, slowly moving forward, seems at times a day is a week. New job tho theres a upside to everything, just can't shake those thoughts at times, but there getting fewer and far between. Thanks for being my friend in America haha . G.A
I'm grateful to be able to help GA. Even though you're struggling it sounds like you're starting to seem improvements - that's really key to recognize and celebrate those especially when it is difficult to do that. There were times that I was so focused on the immediate "now" that I couldn't see my own improvements. Its just really important to see those.
They keep up that facade for as long as we believe it - the problem is when it starts to crack they just stop - we *think* they will go "oh no, my relationship is at risk, I need to do something to fix it." Instead they discard and run away...
Mine did the same thing. Highschool sweet hearts...28 yrs later he's just suddenly switched into a completely different person and turned out to be involved with his Co worker. He became mean and vindictive and my crime was loving him...when he decided to throw me away i admit i spent a year begging and pleading and trying to do anything i could to get him to pick me... but when the evidence of the affair was more than i could brush under the rug, I had to gather my life back up. I asked him to leave.. I let him know I wished he'd choose our family.. he thought I'd curl up and die with out him and he would get everything and the kids would still worship him ( we all worshiped him) but I didn't die I got up and every day did what needed to be done... it hurt soon much I don't really know how I did it. Good friends and family helped so much. He seems to hate me for not dieing.. finds every opportunity to make life difficult for me and in doing so for the kids. But that has bitten him since that shows our teen boys who he is and they are disenchanted by him more and more. It kills me to see the pain and abandonedment they are feeling and I can't undo it for them. It's taken months for the boys and I, we are getting a new normal and we are slowly getting back to the relationship we had before their dad changed. There was so much anger and I had to rebuild their trust in me even though I wasn't the one who did the lie in and cheating... in their mind they figured someone doesn't just abandon you with out cause. This has been like watching the love of my life become infected with "zombie" he was super sweet and seemingly thoughtful and sovinvolved as a husband and dad. He was my best friend and we were super close as a family. Then he went back to teaching after summer break 2016 and with in a couple weeks he started changing. Over the next year he became a completely different person. Distant, moody, lying, always needing space, triangulation, lots of gaslight in and blame shifting. A whole new look and new words and ideas that didn't match what he thought before.... turns out he was heavily involved with a coteacher, she divorced her husband for mine and then when I asked him to leave my home, it came out there was another fling he was seeing at the local bar too. I know that he isn't fixable. Like a zombie. I loved the man he was but the "disease" has made the man I knew Unreachable no matter how much I loved him he's not in there anymore. All thats left is this distorted version of him that will take any opportunity to it gets devour me. There's seemed to be no true remorse, admission of wrong doing, no answers no closure. But I'm getting g stronger every day. I cry and hurt less and my kids and I are close again. There is hope ahead.
Wendi Lupton Thank you Wendi it’s a similar story to mine, I think it has brought me and my sons closer too. They say that they love him because he’s their Dad but they don’t like him. I am 18mths on but because he only admitted to the girlfriend recently it was like he hurt us twice and he’s around the kids a few times a week, so things he is doing and saying drives me mad.
Wow, thank you so much for replying to me that’s very very kind of you. Yeah, I am worried about this I won’t kid you on this I expect it. He has not given up on me I feel & he had hovered me forever but I ignored him. Then he started stalking me & even was driving by my home plus, sending me things in the mail, too. Lately, nothing & I do feel it’s because he is depressed. Obvious! I think some Narcs feel lost without their main supply if they can’t find anyone as good to them as you were etc.. So yeah, who knows what’s next. All I know is I can’t think about him anymore. They put you through h&ll. Really, I’m busy enjoying new friends, my hobbies & my projects & my life, puppy too. Am trying too. It was hard to heal as much as I have from a Covert Narc his abuse and my spending years with him as you know. I’m healing now and doing wonderfully its best I forget he exists. Talking to others again socializing more again, too. After isolating myself as we all do.
Hi, did he tell you he was depressed? Mine told me he was depressed the past months...this was in May. We broke up in March..we were emailing back and forth and he kept asking me if he should seek therapy. I responded of course ..but I'm having problems believing him because he is just testing me to see if I still care about him which I do. Ugh...I broke no contact...I'm so mad. They do this, which is why I responded to your comment....they lie but I know inside they're not well never, especially when they're alone.
Move on without them, like they moved on without you. If you run into them, be kind, forgiving, and pray or wish them well and let them move on and you move on. That is the mature wise answer.
Listen. This rhetoric was valuable to me when i was in the shit with the heartbreak. Once u begin to move on, its easier to look at this objectively. He/she lost attraction or love for you and then she left to find someone else. Sure they party to not feel shitty but not every ex is a narcissist. Its ez to victimize yourself. But it takes 2 people to invest in a relationship. Some things u fucked up some them. Point is, be better and try again.
The answer/truth is so painful I don't suggest facing it all at once, when you are stronger and have support dig into it. Until the trauma bond is broken stay focused on making yourself happy and free. For myself over a year no contact has been the best and worst time in my adult emotional life. Finally feeling my efforts have been ultimately worth it.
Thank you, man! I don't think I love him anymore after lots of times of disrespect (which is mostly ignoring) but I feel as if smth holding me back from moving on completely. We don't talk now, he ignored my last message. And thank you a lot for explaining the things so thoroughly. I couldn't figure out how to act later on and my thoughts were messed. Now it's clear and I can finally fall asleep, because I couldn't. And despite it's 5 am now but you saved my next day. Thanks a lot!
People say I should move on; forget the past...HOW? We have been in court 2014; multiple court hearing. Expressing my concerns time and time again, recalling the events, recalling the details. My kids have been interviewed by over 20 professionals. They are so worn down.
A narc does what a narc does best and they are only trying to hurt you in every possible way by making you think they are having fun etc but the truth is they are just playing games and trying to rub it in your face by making you feel inferior and trying to stick the knife in by sticking it to you by any means possible for example in discard stages where people lack the understanding of narcissism and narcissistic abuse !!!!!
So very true CNA!!! Its just yet again another bitter pill we have to swallow - but then after a while we realize that we no longer have to take that pill...
DSD yes indeed it is hardest for those who lack knowledge on narcissism and for those who have just been discarded as it never makes sense at first till you find the information about it that you can start to put the puzzle together piece by piece
That is the most dangerous time CNA - that is the time where someone can lose themselves and make decisions that you just can't recover from. I wish there was mandatory NPD training (or toxic divorce training) so that we can catch people in the early throws of this and move them AWAY from the edge...
DSD yes i know which is why i said before the coverts are one of the worse as it can drive a person insane push them over the edge or committing suicide etc which is why channels like these are great spreading awareness unfortunately people wouldn’t actively be trying to search for these info due to the fact they have no knowledge of it haven’t been through it or simply haven’t been told by anyone or come forward to seek help and this way they would be told or find answers by questioning things that seems odd and because people bottle things up it doesn’t help matters as the mind can be a fragile thing it is only after you find the answers that you become strong mentally and more aware of whats going on and develop the right mindset to deal with the narc hands on however best way is to walk away but not every one can do this due to relations such as the kids etc so they experience torn loyalties its a vicious circle you can never win but you can deal with things better with the right mindset by educating yourselves on narcissism and the various mental heath as they all have pretty much similar traits that are almost identical to one an other horrible to be on the recieving end of narcissistic abuse but a very interesting thing to learn about plus extremely beneficial too educate yourself on all types as they are very predictable once you know whats what
I’m going through this right now. For three years I have been trying to get my wife back. She has a new supply. We been married since 2002. Our kids are grown. I didn’t know about her dealings three weeks ago. Now they been on a road trip screwing all over the country! I am so hurt about this shit
Years down the road it's not easy because having a kid together. Detaching from someone when you have to be around them. I moved up in my career, losing weight, a dam good father. But still having to be around her still hurts. So annoying. I did everything boundaries, new relationship till this day still hurts. Sucks
Thank you, my ex keeps trying to come back breaking up with me coming back and she totally switched up on me. I finally cut it off for the first time and she's happier than ever. She has been with multiple men but says she's loves me and only me. I love myself more though now!
they can't feel there evil great video you'll never figure them out they don't know themselves or why they do what they do other than evil we bought into their incredible lies we don't like that we chose a mental case and we wasted time with them and then we waste more time dwelling on them
That is so true Sy - we get so fixated on this entire mess. It's really sad because once these relationships are OVER they should be OVER. But we are stuck dwelling on them, like you say, and just wasting time. I know that we *have to do that* as part of the healing process but damn I wish I could have walked out the door 7 years (or so) ago and have the emotional growth I have today. That would have been a MUCH BETTER last few years. But then again had that occurred I would have never even considered the need for a channel like this - so I suppose everything happens for a reason - maybe I was just destine to do this and be where I am right now...
DSD I have to tell you Dwayne I feel like I have regressed that I have not moved forward anywhere as you know my housing situation is in the toilet I still have not found anywhere I am still staying in the hotel paying $2,000 a month for a studio with a kitchen to it but it's better than being out in my car it's costing me money but I'm in a safe place so I guess I can count that as a blessing I really since my credit is where it is thanks to my ex they will not rent to me and I'm trying to find a private owner that's a very difficult situation I did Dwayne end up getting charged by the police department for some nonsense through the Housing Authority that now I had to hire an attorney for I don't know how that's going to turn out the charges should be dismissed as my attorney said but just more fuel to the fire that you know just people that he had to do with everything and that my ex and I had to do with just will not stop with the the Relentless campaigned nail me for everything while he gets off scot-free just not happy about this but I am like I said okay that I'm in a safe place right now I've been in this Motel since April 2nd and hopefully I can find some place somewhere I don't know I'm still searching but the apartments if I don't get my housing back to housing apartments that are for rent are just as ridiculous as me paying for a motel so I have to equate that with this staying in the motel is just like being in an apartment and tire price God knows why I mean we all pay a higher price for everything just doesn't make any damn sense I hope everything is going well thank you for this wonderful video it just reminds me about how stuck I can get sometimes but for the most part I'm not even thinking about this jackass it's like I'm trying to figure out how to get myself unstuck from this credit situation and move forward so I can get another place to live and get out of this motel but I'm thankful that I have the motel on thankful I have my dog Marcy and I'm thankful that I have a car that's something that most people do not have in this city 50% of Denver's population is homeless these greedy bastards and their developers will not be in the housing these people they could if they want take it as a tax write-off they choose not to date they want Denver for the wealthy like it's always been it's disgusting and the bugs on top of that the people all these people move here because of the marijuana Dwayne you have a blessed weekend and hope everything goes well for you text you
The loneless is really hard some days. Some days it's better and can enjoy the life. But I know it will be better. It will always be better after a while. Yes it's normal thinking about an ex. What is he/she doing? But I am sure you were thinking that, when you were together. Because you already knew he/she was cheating. If there are not trust there are no relationship. Let say you are together with a narcissist right now. That person telling you "I will travel with my friend this summer." You will be crazy and thinking about what your partner is actually doing, because you can't trust him/her. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. No trust and you will after 30 years feel like a prisoner. You can't sleep at night. So when you leave a lying narcissist partner or that person is leaving you, it's time to celebrate. It's not easy. But my advice is, if you must think about your ex, think about when you started to see each other. You will remember things ex were saying to you. Things a normal person wouldn't say at the beginning. Maybe also asking you questions at the first date about your childhood. You will find a lot of evidence in your mind and memory, that your ex was a narcissist liar at the beginning. It's much easier to move on, when you understand it was not your fault. You are not crazy. Your ex was not good for you. You deserve so much better. Nothing make sense with a narcissist. Yes your ex maybe told you: you are crazy. It's your fault. It's you who destroy this relationship. But remember a relationship is about 50/50. Not 90/10. Are you angry at your partner it's because you are not happy with how he/she is treating you. You wouldn't be angry and/or sad if your partner was a good person. Who understand giving and taking and didn't lied to you. You would be happy. If you are not happy in a relationship, it's not your fault. Specially if you told your partner about how you feel. And your partner doesn't listen to you. You are a good person. And it's natural to be angry with someone who doesn't care and lying. Better days will come. We can fight this together!
Yeah what little I'm around the ex-wife she's always having fun. Always laughing her butt off with the kids. Always has HUGE plans with the kids. She loves to rename damn near everything with cuteciey B.S. names. I've been working at cutting the energetic codes but can see some are still there. Thank you!
Man I HEAR you on that one. For the longest time it would *really screw with me* because she ALWAYS seemed to be smiles and joy joy. She was even that way during the marriage - but its just all fake BS and it just sucks for us because we know its fake and we want them to FEEL the pain that we do... The reality is they can't feel either way and if they ever open themselves up to their past trauma they will immediately shutdown (or deflect) so they do not have to experience it.
@@DSD I told my ex I wanted to switch brains because I wanted him to feel what I feel....he said," No you don't, you're a good crazy person." We used to say we were both crazy when we were together...me because I'm a creative w a crazy sense of humor. Funny how they tell on themselves, at least mine did and I ignored the flags.
I look on as he moved on with his 4 yr affair partner, they’re traveling all over the world, they will have 20-30 times my monthly income.... they seem happy. They seem to have won. They got everything they wanted, all the money and travel... they got away with everything.
And that right there is why it is so important to not compare our lives to theirs. I know it is difficult especially when you they are 20-30 times your salary. The thing is these people only bring chaos into their lives. In all honest you have won because you are out of that toxic relationship and you have the opportunity to have a good genuine life. They will always have that toxicity stewing around corrupting EVERYTHING that they do. You just have to stop looking Garima at "their" life and hit the reset button on yours. THEN you can start to enjoy where you are and what you have - even if it is just the peace you can create within your own little part of YOUR world. But I hear you though - there was a time I was scared to death the ex was going to be able to "land" a better "version" of me and be living the high life. I know it would have torn me up and it would have made this nightmare even harder. I think I'm at the point now that even if she won the lottery I just wouldn't care - I would still just want that vortex of chaos to BE OUT OF MY LIFE... I would however, want to find a way to end the child support and alimony so that she wasn't a drain on my life but otherwise I DO NOT CARE... I hope you can find that peace for yourself soon Garima - it doesn't happen overnight but I believe you'll get there!
Garima Heath- I can’t deny, that is tough. My ex cheated as well, and now they live together in a home financed with money that was mine. On the other hand they now have to cohabitate and raise their 6 children together, which can’t be easy. If your ex is a narcissist like mine, they are using the new supply just like they used you. In time the wounds will heal, and eventually you will dwell on it less and less. Good luck to you, and God bless.
DSD - you know the hardest thing right now is that I have to consider his opinion for every single thing I plan with my kids. It’s draining and poisonous because everything that comes from him is negative, critical, paints him like such a victim. According to him everything is calculated to hurt his feelings because I am the ‘monster ex wife’ - that’s what they call me.
Excellent Shane! The reality though is that if we didn't get out we'd still be in that nightmare with it slowly killing us. I know at times it can feel "better" than the pain we feel today - but it really isn't...
DSD - I am looking for peace. I cannot go complete NO CONTACT - which would help me forget, focus on me and move on. But for the next 6 yrs we are sharing custody so the best I can do is limited contact... which leaves the door open for all the drama and accusations and criticism and anger and resentment and backbiting to his new supply to flow. Cannot shut it off. It’s like a prison sentence. I have considered giving up everything, giving him the kids and disappearing, moving away ... and I can’t do that to my kids. But that seems to be his dream - that I am out of the picture.
Thank you. Im still having hard time accepting and its been over a year n half since we split . He strings me along and keeps me as a back up plan. I want this misery to be over but cant seem strong enough .
Closure ,,The Narc's will not give us closure which would help us with questions ,,,I had to give myself closure after a few years of struggling and to look at my part in the marriage collapse ,,,It took a long time to forgive myself and realise i did every thing i could ,,the Narc was going to do this no matter what i did !!!
Cathy that is such an important realization that WE ALL need to make - this was going to happen no matter what - maybe we sped up the process but at some point our value was going to drop to zero and they will bounce when we reach that point...
I was with a guy for 4 years who would fly from a different country every month to come and see me. During covid he lost interest, I could feel him pulling away and it made me so whiney. The more I told him what I needed the less he gave me it. Until, he dumped me. I was blindsided. What’s more shocking is that he pursued me, I always felt super secure with him, since the day he dumped me he has not spoken to me once. I’m absolutely heart broken. 9 months later, I still try to look him up, watch his RUclips gaming videos to hear his voice. You know what’s so shocking though? Is to hear him laughing and joking and being kind to other people. Being the person he was with me til he got bored. Sometimes I’m in so much pain I listen to these streams to think he’s talking to me like I remember and it soothes me. I literally don’t know how to stop being connected from him. He cut me out and I feel like I’ll never be happy again. Your videos are giving me comfort. I don’t feel like I can keep this mask on and keep this pain for much longer. I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I forgot to add that once a year around my birthday week he hoovers me form random numbers to say Happy Birthday without even saying it’s him.like if the discard never happened 2 years ago. This is so weird and it even makes me laugh.
A narc simply doesn’t just have fun they just make moves strategically like a chess player every thing they do serves a purpose and that is gaining narcissistic supply and manipulation of new victims and hurting someone they have just recently discarded to them must be like an adrenaline rush of narcissistic supply like a heroin addict they feed off other peoples misery and misery usually loves company !!!!! Flying monkeys new victims etc you name it they will do anything just like a drug addict to get that supply and to keep feeding off peoples misery !!!!
I don't know CNA I think it's more like checkers - all except the really high-spectrum-narc are just doing their normal lather-rinse-repeat. Their default mode is to seek out supply so its more just primal nature. The sad part is that when they make a bad move they are quick to discount it and not feel any guilt or remorse for it - it is a crazy thing to watch.
That’s a good way of describing it with checkers they are basically jumping from one thing to the next sort of destroying everything in their path along the way and yes they certainly do lack empathy which is why its self destructive to be fixated on what the narcissist is doing because its basically like Groundhog Day film with them everyday is the same the pattern is always repetitive albeit different scenarios but all boils down to the same thing
LOL I hadn't even thought about it that way but that is perfect! Checkers, jumping from one thing to the next destroying everything along the way! Love that!
My ex is doing well and his current partner is wonderful for him and I cannot fault her she is beautiful, talented, sociable and of course younger! And although I am so happy for him and I know we were not a good match our expectations are incompatible it hurts and I cannot figure out why and it has left me very empty
That's my biggest problem, as I'be been sharing here. There's just a few things I wish to add. I don't know how much sense they make. It may be that they make no sense at all, given the fact that sometimes I myself feel and act as I've gone unhinged. I repeatedly keep asking myself though, how is it that she's going along so great with everybody except me? And why is there no justice and she's living life to the fullest while I'm struggling and living each day in pain? I don't keep thinking about her and looking to find what she's doing, in a hope that she'd be back. She had abandoned me in mid 2015 and I had that hope till late 2017. By now, I know she's not coming back and no hope there. But what I feel sadly different from your video is that I constantly blame myself a lot and feel terribly guilty. I had made some terrible mistakes that really hurt her when she was me. She was also responsible for my acting the way I did, but I still feel that my reaction was disproportionate. When I was bad to her and had yelled at her, it was also that I was at the end of my tether, being constantly ignored, practically non-existent to her, even while I was physically around her. And that was just 2 months into marriage, not as if some sort of familiarity had developed in the marriage. But then there are other moments when I feel that her nature is such that a showdown would have happened sooner or later; even if I hadn't made those mistakes early on something would have come up later on. Throughout 2017, I kept texting her and apologizing for my actions and seeking another chance. But she didn't even meet me once. That makes me even angrier. I was very bad to her, but didn't she think about me even once? Couldn't she try to sort the relation even once, after I kept begging her to, if she's so great with people in general. But then, I see how she's going along so great with others and had such a dramatic fallout with me. Was the issue only with me? I don't understand. How is it that she's enjoying life with others (and therefore presumably accepted by others) and things got so fucked up so fast between us. There's also another thing that I do believe in God, though not a fanatic. And I get very angry and depressed looking for justice and why she's so happy after causing so much pain and hurt to me.
Talk about never being able to break free... It's sad how these people are unable to let go and just take their lives back! Hope you're doing good - it's tough when we have to live through this but maybe with you being older it's better?
I feel so much better.... It seems like I was loosing my mind at first... But now I have the answers. My Dear Lord How did I deal with this Evil Sh*T for so long?
Why does my narc think his daughter is the only Women in his life. He thinks she walks on water. Everything he does with or for her is a secrecy. I'm open with everything I do for my children. 17 years
My ex is definitely not a narcissist. He found the girl on tinder but the first we broke we got back together after he lost his mom I just think he’s just lost and I was his first I just wanna detach myself from him entirely so I can focus on myself
The reality, at least in my opinion, if someone isn't right for us they don't have to be toxic, narcissistic, abusive, or whatever. If it just isn't right then its not right. There is nothing wrong with detaching yourself and working on making your life and spirit better - actually it is an investment that will pay off very well in the future!
My ex is having fun. He abandoned his entire family: me, our Grown Sons, his Siblings, his Cousins, his friends since the 1960s. He calls it his "new beginnings" and he has "different interests now". So, I gotta be honest, if their "brain" changes.....in reality....they are having more fun. They walk away from all previous responsibility & in the state of NY, the Judges think it's MARVELOUS for them, as the Judges went through all their own divorces. There are formulas designed to compute maintenance after 32 yrs of marriage in other states. In NY, those are deemed "suggestions" not formulas. The Judge says, "Hey, I'll give you 5 yrs or maintenance at 10% of his monthly take home pay for your 32 yrs of marriage. New supply who contributed nothing to raising our family walks away with 90% of monthly income. #NoJustice
Well Helen, you can just walk away from your demons - you can pretend and put all those things in a box and hide it under your bed BUT if you don't deal with them THEY ALWAYS come back. The problem is when we stay angry and bitter about it then we are giving them another victory. I know it seems impossible that after 32 years your future has been obliterated and you have every right to be bitter and angry about it. You try to do whatever you can to *make it right* and if that doesn't work out you HAVE TO rebaseline your life and start over. At some point you have two options. The first to remain angry and bitter at the time and future that was effectively stolen from you ensuring that you will NEVER get a life back. Or you decide to start again today and start over. The crazy thing is the ex will be really confused and perplexed if you can get your life back and your joy back. I know it's difficult Helen and I also realize that today, in this moment, it is probably too much to even consider but I want you to think of the possibility of being real. I mean hell, if a few years you could fall into your own windfall and have a life you NEVER even imagined before (and I mean that in a good way - not the pain you never imagined that you are living now).
@@DSD Well Duane, you're just way tougher than me. Before I got served w/divorce papers, my husband planned our remarriage at the same church we married in decades beforehand. It was a romantic, lovely surprise day w/our Grown Sons. We had THE happiest marriage, ever. Yet the whole time he was leading a double life w/his appointment taking secretary Dennis. Yes Dennis. So I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect wife, he just wanted a new life....like a Caitlyn Jenner. Why me? A guy who never went more than 24 hours talking to me since 1984, shuts off contact w/everyone in his life in one day, like a light switch. It's all surreal. What is it Duane? Too many cell phone towers causing electronic frequency changes in personality? Poison in the water? Food additives? I'm a nurse & I don't get it. It's not even about "dealing with demons". I liken how I feel to Joan of Arc being burned at the stake in her lifetime..then 600 yrs. later her statue to the right of the altar in Notre Dame, Paris being AGAIN burned to a crisp a few weeks ago. No where, seems safe! For anyone, male or female!
Yeah bro , I dated my gf from turkey , I moved in with her I am an English teacher so within about three months I got her quite fluent in English we did everything together , shared everything i was in love she seemed it as well and expressed it ,then three months later ,she was gone , she said , we never dated we never were together, you were just a guy who taught me English
@@DSD yeah I'm doing good , she is now trying to make me jealous ,but idk she had some trauma before we ended , I think it was love but an event occurred that changed her views trusting men, I guess it made her think I was one of those guys , it was all love until this traumatic experience occured ,I can't blame her , I love her regardless ,I know what happend to her , I couldn't imagine the pain she endured .
Ah its all good - I just glad someone caught it because it does pretty much make me look like a moron to have issues like that in the text. I did fix it so *hopefully* it will replicate through the system quickly enough that it doesn't stay there too long. So honestly I do appreciate it Scott.
So how do I handle that the fake persona they put on to keep me, wasn’t real, therefore our relationship wasn’t real… I feel embarrassed I loved someone so truly who possibly didn’t love me back
Same here 3 years of a relationship and 6 days after the break up she is already going to parties and having a great time. This shows me very clearly she was just using me and never actually had love for me and it sucks big time cause I actually loved her but she moved on and I had no option but to the same. Just move on Gym Journal Go out Friends No drugs Drink in moderation But please don't under any circumstances please please don't reach out and look at her social media. Please take my advice
Just don’t appreciate this person wishing harm upon me. There are some things that can’t be walked back. 5 years that changed overnight. Forced to evict from my place. Couldn’t finish the semester of college I was in. All for what?
I love when people break up and act like there soooooo happy now - anyone so adamant about proving how unaffected they are is crazy especially if they never posted on social now suddenly after the break up there a serial poster😂 No one cares
she cheated on me sir, i dont understand why she gets to be happy, ive been alone . she gaslighted me. My friebds dont even contact me. What do i do?? Im tired
Yeah especially with his new wife he’s chosen I mean it seems like he did move on and erased me out of his mind though, but I also think he married her just to get back at me to make me upset or jealous but it didn’t work cus she ain’t even attracted either like his other ex was though!
Glitterbox it was more than likely he found someone who would be that "new" source of supply and that was it. It wasn't - probably - to get back at you or anything other than to establish his new narrative and illusion. You probably only came up in the conversation to highlight how wonderful his new life/wife is and how horrible you were. Its just stupid and these people only focus on the immediate moment and how to get what they "need" to survive... If you can even call what they do surviving - it's just consuming and destroying everything in their path...
Today is 4 weeks no contact with my ex and 2 days ago she change her instagram from private in public and she post 3 picture from her ex apartment .her ex took the photos ,she poze looking happy saing crocks,sun and no makeup .2 glases of red whine on the table .i recived some screenshots because i closed my ig account .somebody please can tell me what hapend ?
Lmao the easy question is they’re lying and keeping up the facade. I blocked my ex narc friend months ago about 3 months ago on social media. So I dnt even think abt the mess. Now what’s funny is how some of my friends have been bringing him up and talking abt the statuses he makes. I dnt even use Facebook anymore lmao 🤣 so I rly dnt care.
There is definitely a group of people Psyched Perspective that LOVE the drama and want to be in the middle of it. I am SO GRATEFUL that I've been able to excises all of "those people" out from my life. I mean sure the kids bring things up every once in a while but I don't need to hear what's going on at her place all the time. But, to be honest, there was a time when I was desperate to hear any little detail I could. THANK GOD those days are in the past!!!
DSD Thanks again to you and therapy it has helped a lot. Luckily for me I was never with the ex narc and I didn’t have kids. Thank the lord that was a major bullet dodged. Best wishes to everyone!
That's great Psyched Perspective - I wish ALL OF US could have learned this BEFORE the long-term-connection was made and sealed. It makes things so much more complicate and difficult...
That is because the change and adapt to the situation at hand to get what they want. Its not to get "back" at us or make us feel bad - they are/he is focused on his own immediate needs and illusion.
May I ask you why does a narcissist at the beginning tell you that they like everything about you and even thing's you thought no one would understand, but then turn everything around and call you a freak and weird for those very same that you were upfront with them about from the very start of the relationship whether it be secrets or, unique things that make you who you are, or passions you possess, does that make you a narcissist or terrible person when they leave you?
Hi Chris - its mirroring Chris, its them trying to draw you in by accepting you, understanding you, and being the person you always wanted in your life. You/we continue to be vulnerable with this person and they just collect all that information. Why would them leaving you make you the narcissist? They consume *everything they can* for as long as they can and as soon as you have nothing else to offer - in their minds - they move on to the next target. Chris this is a huge mind game that they play and its just pure evil. This is also the worst betrayal - at least in my mind - because they violate your trust and typically they "share" those secrets with everyone to smear you. So please don't beat yourself up too much on being a "terrible person" or a narcissist... Check out my Mindset for narcissistic abuse recovery off the main page on the DSD channel page - that gives you a primer on what this crap is and what's going on as well as some techniques to help you through this.
Glad to help Chris. All of this is really tough and takes time so expect that. I think most of us think we should heal rather quickly but that typically does. It happen.
Listen I just don’t get it . I try and wrap My mind around it but it’s hard to think i was in a real relationship for 3 years and she was just creating a illusion . It didn’t mean anything to her .. it’s been 4 months .. she said it was no one else but I found out she was with another lady while she was with me .. I just don’t get it . Everything she said she didn’t want she went and got .. and now they are happy and I’m stuck trying to figure out what happened. I don’t get it
Actions have consequences I know my ex will never be hurting be happy after hurting me you can’t be happy bring good woman any guy that put sex about love can never truly be happy just likes looks can only take u certain places sex gets boring too
Duane, All an illusion, they are chameleons.. Con Con ..artists, Empty miserable souls.. These People!!!!! ....smh They don't have friendships ..they use people Duane I think it's time you do a video from a beach while surf fishing with me #DestinationDSD
The ex is not doing any better than they were with you with the new person. They may pretend all is well, but it is the same cycle that repeats over and over again.
The benefit I get from your videos is the feeling that I'm not alone! It's a validation that, yes - narcs are real, they're all essentially the same, and it's NOT just me that was tricked. ALL of us were tricked! Take care everybody!
Thank you for your support MilesMommy! Yeah we were all the targets of a con-job and we absolutely were tricked. I'm just grateful we have escaped and didn't have to spend the rest of our lives in that illusion...
Short answer: It doesn't matter.
Living a drama free life > any amount of "fun" they're having or appear to be having.
LOL LOVE THAT Jamie!!! Mic drop moment right there!
I think some people are so selfish they only care about themself. Karma will get them.
Indeed!
Duane my ex narc is who she is. She won't change and the gift she gave me was to betray and abandon me. I'm a happier person now and she's only a liability.
John Boston- I hear you man, I had an identical situation with my ex.
OMG John I'm so glad to hear you're at that stage of this. I often talk about how we ultimately find this experience a gift because without their betrayal (even if its just from rejection) it is the thing that gets you your life back! I definitely hear you about them being a liability! They truly are... but it doesn't have to destroy the rest of your life!
Mine was a liability too. She was a cancer
Im 2 years into healing and I still catch myself thinking about it. I have to just remind myself I was with someone with a disorder. I had to sit down and write down things that bring me meaning. I now pursue those things that bring meaning to my life. Once you turn toward yourself, you will turn the corner.
That is so very true flyboy! Isn't it crazy that it is a decision that WE get to make but it takes so much damn work to get to the point that we make that "turn" toward ourselves. That was the whole premise of *absolute thinking* to *remind myself* of the disorder and what was real. Still wasn't easy - but today it's pretty darn nice!
Hi flyboy , im only into a year of finding out that my ex was a narc. It all made sense once i researched this disorder and have been digesting any information. Its encourageing that it gets better
it really does get better Freddy! And once we start to believe that is even a possibility it is transformative!
I would like to connect with u
Do you mean Jess White?
I’m going on 3 years now. Still feels like we just divorced yesterday. She is now a rich man, new car, new home, new life style. While I’m stuck in the same depressing life still. You are right. Comparing is not the way. This video was very helpful. Omg I’m so happy I found your videos. Will keep watching them. Thank you for the help.
Hi, thanks for the comment - I made a video and used your comment for the 2nd half of the topic. ruclips.net/video/tj6oybxpwMQ/видео.html
I needed to hear this so bad. Thank you. I'm so depressed right now. Not looking for a pity party...I feel worthless right now. I was so good to my ex. She didn't have a pit to piss in when we started dating. After I poured all my energy, time, love and care in every aspect of her life, she became wealthy, successful, popular and living her life better then myself... That's when she really flipped to her true nature. She'd always been difficult and did narcissist things to me, but her success just amplified it to another level. After learning about narcissism, I've learned that she maybe a convert/communal narcissist. I broke up with her last year and was separated for three months. I stayed busy and started to feel kinda hapoy again and boom she calls me out of the blue begging for another chance saying she messed up and she had changed a lot. I reluctantly gave it another chance. And within three months she was worse then before the first split up. So as much as it pained me, i broke up with her again this last December. I have my up and down days and today is definitely a down day. I seen a picture a mutual friend posted of her children who looked at me as a dad. Literally called me dad. Well that picture pulled my heart strings which led me to be stupid and check her FB page and seen a picture she posted that someone took of her. And then I read the comments and my stomach turned. It hurt so bad. This has been the hardest healing process I've ever endured in my life at 46. I'm so tired of this dating game BS. I want someone genuinely good in my life for once. Ugh anyways, i needed to vent, sorry for the rant. Thank you for your video, it helped me get out of my bed and start cleaning
It is so difficult to accept and let go of the illusion of what we *thought* the relationship was. When you realize that they are only playing with you and using you as a vampire would it really rocks your world. No worries about the rant - I think we've all been through it. The really difficult part, at least for men, is no one really talks about this. So you feel all alone when you're going through it. Then, when a guy gets past it (or puts it in a box and ignores it all) they just pretend it never happened. We are then left in the position where we feel like something must be wrong with us because NO ONE ELSE talks about how this is effecting them. Here's the deal, you loved this person, you dedicated time and energy to this person and her kids. Even if now you think/know it was a mistake that doesn't change the fact of the way you felt about her/them. So it's only natural (unfortunately) for when they come back with a "I'm sorry I've changed" to not want to believe it. The reality though is for a narcissist (especially if they are on the personality side of the equation) it typically is MUCH WORSE the next time around. What you have to do now is take that as a data point as to what is "real" and use that. That is why "absolute thinking" is so important (I have a video on that in my channel). It is a methodology of reprogramming our minds on the topic of the ex. Hang in there work4dough - this is tough but it does get easier.
@@DSD Wow! Thank you for the profound wisdom and response. I'll definitely check out that video. Your content has been helping me. Now I need to stop torturing myself and snooping at her Facebook page to see what's her latest news. I know I'm self sabotaging myself when I do, it's just so hard to resist. I tell myself is this helping me or hurting me? But even with all my tactics to stop the temptation is so strong I end up looking 😔. And that's what spins me back into this depressive state of mind. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will continue to watch your videos, they are helping me ☺️
Thank God I passed that stage of feeling less than and paying attention to everything he did with the new supply and comparing myself with her. Now I’m at peace and focusing on myself and the people who truly love me.
That right there is KEY M N. It's really tough to do and I don't think we can truly understand this part of the process UNTIL we get to the point that you are talking about. I remember wanting this peace but just unable to reconcile it in my own mind. Then one day I was just there - but boy did it take a TON of work (and pain) to get there!
Have you found yourself watching your ex and comparing your life to theirs? I know I sure did in the first few years and it was painful and kept me trapped to the ex.
I too have fell victim to this. My ex introduced her boyfriend to our kid’s before the divorce was even finalized, and moved him into the marital house one month after I moved out. It drove me crazy, and I would obsess about it often. In order to get the divorce done, I gave my ex the car, the house and all the future equity. As a result, she was able to purchased a new home, while I continued to rent and had debt up the ass. It made me feel like crap that she had a new relationship, new home, and appeared to be moving on pretty quickly. Even though her “new life” was funded by me, she continued to rub her new relationship in my face, and even told me that “I will be renting for the rest of my life”. It took time, but I slowly started to loose focus on her life, and worry about my own. Sometimes I find myself going back there, but try to immediately change my train of thought. She is a evil, immoral person that isn’t worth one second of my thought. Thanks Duane!
It's so tough Shane and when we make decisions in the moment that hurt us later it makes that wound hurt for a long time. It is just amazing that they are so focused on breaking you, even saying "will be renting for the rest of my life" is just evil. I know what you mean about "going back there" and I did that for a LONG time myself. The reality is they really ARE NOT worth that one second of your thought!
Yup. Still going through it. Even though I know that she’s miserable inside and her life will never amount to anything more than lies and a massive trail of destruction, I still feel like crap knowing it’s going to take serious effort on my part to pick up the pieces of my life after the war she waged on herself leaving myself and my child caught in the crossfire.
Andrew F, it’s amazing the amount of damage they can do, and still make themselves out to be the victim. They also love to paint us as being a terrible partner, in order to justify their disgusting and vindictive behavior. When I finally saw the light, I was mad at myself for being so manipulated.
Shane absolutely and the messed up part that I struggle with is that she plays the victim because she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong and her attitude of “you made me do it” really rubs me the wrong way.
Your relatable communication actually hit home and healthy for me
This hits hard compared to other videos I’ve seen. You’re like the big brother
The hardest thing to accept is there never was any truth to the relationship I’ve had with my ex. But the moment I’ve accepted it, the easier it was to move on. To disentangle is going to be very helpful. I had to give up my social media accounts, I blocked him on all channels of communication and used a third person only if he needs to relay a message to me and I stayed away from our common friends, too. So now that he’s trying to work his way back into our lives, i am protected. The less he knows about me, the less the drama and toxicity.
The most confusing experience I have ever encountered. I turned into a person I don’t even know. No answers at all. Literally, I never have known a true narcissist. I got scared and still do off and on, fearing I am the narcissist. Toxic I became and now not only am I suffering from the abuse, but suffering from me acting crazy. People like them are evil. It’s horrific. My prayers to all of us.
It is so easy to get into that trap and unfortunately the other person is a master at the smear campaign. I think almost all of us who have gone through this experience what you're talking about. It really turns out that the best course of action is to stop trying to convince anyone (or even ourselves) of what we know. You just have to accept the truth, BELIEVE IT, and start to pick up the pieces of your life. It is so difficult because the damage they cause is really severe. I hope you're starting to do better Stephanie and starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Same here
Great video again, thank you. It made me think... Before being with Narc ex, I had a long term relationship. He left me and I was curious about what was his new life and there here a huge difference with ending with a Narc. This ex just move on in his life, he never let me know if his life was great or no.. My narc ex was always showing that "happy" facade even if I asked for nothing. I think we are stucked because the way they act is just unbelievable and make no sense for us. It's normal to feel bad seeing the other one moving on in his new life without us, but when we have to cope with a Narc we have also to deal more than that because they add injury to our wounds. When you get what you're dealing with, then it's easier because all those non sense behaviors begin to make sense. Kisses from France and all my support for all that to have going through that mess.
Yeah I hear you on that one - its just so bizarre that it makes our brains hurt.
Thank you
It's amazing how they all follow the same pattern it's creepy
Yeah it really is, makes it a lot easier to spot them AND to have an idea of what they are going to do... And yeah, definitely creepy...
The last thing I said “ so there’s no value in me?” The thing said nothing and I knew then that there was nothing in him: A true victim of vacuity no less! 6/7 months later, no contact and he’s hoovered my best friends and I’m going out on a date soon with no-expectations which is, in my mind, progress. Thank you so much for your inspirational vids and your rational is invaluable! X x
Oh A I SO REMEMBER that no value black response. I asked the exact same thing, "is the relationship important" and it was just a blank stare. That was soul crushing at the time - even though I KNEW it was true. Congratulations on your progress! Take things slow with ZERO expectations and just try to have fun!
You just couldn’t make this stuff up could you Duane! The death stare no less. Thank you for your support; means everything x x
Yeah, it's really sad and it sure would be nice if this was all made up and just a fantastical story that we just read or saw in a movie...
I think you can only grow once reality truly hits. They are an eternal desert and we are the oasis x x peace.
It’s just so unbelievable. I don’t want to believe it. I gave everything. Could never figure out no matter what I did, the goals would change. It’s beyond science fiction, this is what’s so hard to accept. I knew something was wrong but believed it could be fixed.
I hear you on that one CyptoCoinSafe! I figured "everyone has their issues" BUT "we love each other" so it was just part of the "for better or worse". It just really is difficult to accept...
Duane, Thank you for helping me understand
Absolutely Run... You know I think I should start calling you Wind instead of Run... So absolutely Wind!
Yeah I know what your saying now it sucks when someone doesn’t value you!
Especially if we want/need that person to value us. I think we get into this mistake of putting our "self worth" on how others treat us. We give away the keys to our own soul and we should NEVER do that. But, we get conditioned to do that... It took me YEARS to come to terms with that and not have her discard and devaluation of me bother me anymore.
I'm going through this now.
My strength came from having a talk with myself.
What do I want. My kids need.
So, I set my stall out and focused. I manifested my future. And it's starting to materialise in front of me.
In front of me, not behind, don't look back.let them go.
She walked away. Her shit will follow her. That's not my cross to bare.
Stay focused, resilient, and on YOUR purpose.
Stay strong, guys. Believe in you.
This video is so helpful 👍🏽A wake up call for all of us who have literally lived in a black hole for a long time😊time to come out of the woods and face the sunshine ☀️ folks!!!life is too short to spend with toxic people. Thank you Duane🙏
Thank you so much for making this video. It is really hard to find a video on RUclips on this topic that actually gives you perspective and not trying to feed you bs.
You just got a new subscriber.
I can even see anything she's doing bc she unfriended me and probably blocked my number. Told me she's happy and has peace now. 4 1/2 years and you can just move on and not care.
I can't express enough, how much your videos help me out. I'am struggling, slowly moving forward, seems at times a day is a week.
New job tho theres a upside to everything, just can't shake those thoughts at times, but there getting fewer and far between.
Thanks for being my friend in America haha .
G.A
I'm grateful to be able to help GA. Even though you're struggling it sounds like you're starting to seem improvements - that's really key to recognize and celebrate those especially when it is difficult to do that. There were times that I was so focused on the immediate "now" that I couldn't see my own improvements. Its just really important to see those.
Spot on and this is where I am struggling at the moment but he kept up the facades for 23yrs.
They keep up that facade for as long as we believe it - the problem is when it starts to crack they just stop - we *think* they will go "oh no, my relationship is at risk, I need to do something to fix it." Instead they discard and run away...
DSD Very true, it was sudden and with no warning by text. I am very angry and wonder how he could just break up the family with no effort. 😡
Mine did the same thing. Highschool sweet hearts...28 yrs later he's just suddenly switched into a completely different person and turned out to be involved with his Co worker. He became mean and vindictive and my crime was loving him...when he decided to throw me away i admit i spent a year begging and pleading and trying to do anything i could to get him to pick me... but when the evidence of the affair was more than i could brush under the rug, I had to gather my life back up. I asked him to leave.. I let him know I wished he'd choose our family.. he thought I'd curl up and die with out him and he would get everything and the kids would still worship him ( we all worshiped him) but I didn't die I got up and every day did what needed to be done... it hurt soon much I don't really know how I did it. Good friends and family helped so much. He seems to hate me for not dieing.. finds every opportunity to make life difficult for me and in doing so for the kids. But that has bitten him since that shows our teen boys who he is and they are disenchanted by him more and more. It kills me to see the pain and abandonedment they are feeling and I can't undo it for them. It's taken months for the boys and I, we are getting a new normal and we are slowly getting back to the relationship we had before their dad changed. There was so much anger and I had to rebuild their trust in me even though I wasn't the one who did the lie in and cheating... in their mind they figured someone doesn't just abandon you with out cause. This has been like watching the love of my life become infected with "zombie" he was super sweet and seemingly thoughtful and sovinvolved as a husband and dad. He was my best friend and we were super close as a family. Then he went back to teaching after summer break 2016 and with in a couple weeks he started changing. Over the next year he became a completely different person. Distant, moody, lying, always needing space, triangulation, lots of gaslight in and blame shifting. A whole new look and new words and ideas that didn't match what he thought before.... turns out he was heavily involved with a coteacher, she divorced her husband for mine and then when I asked him to leave my home, it came out there was another fling he was seeing at the local bar too. I know that he isn't fixable. Like a zombie. I loved the man he was but the "disease" has made the man I knew Unreachable no matter how much I loved him he's not in there anymore. All thats left is this distorted version of him that will take any opportunity to it gets devour me. There's seemed to be no true remorse, admission of wrong doing, no answers no closure. But I'm getting g stronger every day. I cry and hurt less and my kids and I are close again. There is hope ahead.
Wendi Lupton Thank you Wendi it’s a similar story to mine, I think it has brought me and my sons closer too. They say that they love him because he’s their Dad but they don’t like him. I am 18mths on but because he only admitted to the girlfriend recently it was like he hurt us twice and he’s around the kids a few times a week, so things he is doing and saying drives me mad.
My ex Narc is depressed so something is affecting him. They get depressed and angry and are miserable most of the time I feel.
I truly think they are - even with they appear fine Therese. Hopefully that external display doesn't change his focus back toward you.
Wow, thank you so much for replying to me that’s very very kind of you. Yeah, I am worried about this I won’t kid you on this I expect it. He has not given up on me I feel & he had hovered me forever but I ignored him. Then he started stalking me & even was driving by my home plus, sending me things in the mail, too.
Lately, nothing & I do feel it’s because he is depressed. Obvious! I think some Narcs feel lost without their main supply if they can’t find anyone as good to them as you were etc.. So yeah, who knows what’s next. All I know is I can’t think about him anymore. They put you through h&ll. Really, I’m busy enjoying new friends, my hobbies & my projects & my life, puppy too. Am trying too. It was hard to heal as much as I have from a Covert Narc his abuse and my spending years with him as you know. I’m healing now and doing wonderfully its best I forget he exists. Talking to others again socializing more again, too. After isolating myself as we all do.
Hi, did he tell you he was depressed? Mine told me he was depressed the past months...this was in May. We broke up in March..we were emailing back and forth and he kept asking me if he should seek therapy. I responded of course ..but I'm having problems believing him because he is just testing me to see if I still care about him which I do. Ugh...I broke no contact...I'm so mad. They do this, which is why I responded to your comment....they lie but I know inside they're not well never, especially when they're alone.
You reap what you sow that's why he depression 🤣krama
Now he trap with his own mistery🤣🤣🤣
Move on without them, like they moved on without you. If you run into them, be kind, forgiving, and pray or wish them well and let them move on and you move on. That is the mature wise answer.
Listen. This rhetoric was valuable to me when i was in the shit with the heartbreak. Once u begin to move on, its easier to look at this objectively.
He/she lost attraction or love for you and then she left to find someone else. Sure they party to not feel shitty but not every ex is a narcissist.
Its ez to victimize yourself. But it takes 2 people to invest in a relationship. Some things u fucked up some them. Point is, be better and try again.
The answer/truth is so painful I don't suggest facing it all at once, when you are stronger and have support dig into it. Until the trauma bond is broken stay focused on making yourself happy and free. For myself over a year no contact has been the best and worst time in my adult emotional life. Finally feeling my efforts have been ultimately worth it.
i literally replayed this video at least 20 times while i painted my doors and trim.
Glad it was helpful! Drop me an email with a pic of the door and trim. Would love to see what you accomplished!
An unending nightmare. We were fooled.
Thank you, man! I don't think I love him anymore after lots of times of disrespect (which is mostly ignoring) but I feel as if smth holding me back from moving on completely. We don't talk now, he ignored my last message. And thank you a lot for explaining the things so thoroughly. I couldn't figure out how to act later on and my thoughts were messed. Now it's clear and I can finally fall asleep, because I couldn't. And despite it's 5 am now but you saved my next day. Thanks a lot!
People say I should move on; forget the past...HOW? We have been in court 2014; multiple court hearing. Expressing my concerns time and time again, recalling the events, recalling the details. My kids have been interviewed by over 20 professionals. They are so worn down.
A narc does what a narc does best and they are only trying to hurt you in every possible way by making you think they are having fun etc but the truth is they are just playing games and trying to rub it in your face by making you feel inferior and trying to stick the knife in by sticking it to you by any means possible for example in discard stages where people lack the understanding of narcissism and narcissistic abuse !!!!!
So very true CNA!!! Its just yet again another bitter pill we have to swallow - but then after a while we realize that we no longer have to take that pill...
DSD yes indeed it is hardest for those who lack knowledge on narcissism and for those who have just been discarded as it never makes sense at first till you find the information about it that you can start to put the puzzle together piece by piece
That is the most dangerous time CNA - that is the time where someone can lose themselves and make decisions that you just can't recover from. I wish there was mandatory NPD training (or toxic divorce training) so that we can catch people in the early throws of this and move them AWAY from the edge...
DSD yes i know which is why i said before the coverts are one of the worse as it can drive a person insane push them over the edge or committing suicide etc which is why channels like these are great spreading awareness unfortunately people wouldn’t actively be trying to search for these info due to the fact they have no knowledge of it haven’t been through it or simply haven’t been told by anyone or come forward to seek help and this way they would be told or find answers by questioning things that seems odd and because people bottle things up it doesn’t help matters as the mind can be a fragile thing it is only after you find the answers that you become strong mentally and more aware of whats going on and develop the right mindset to deal with the narc hands on however best way is to walk away but not every one can do this due to relations such as the kids etc so they experience torn loyalties its a vicious circle you can never win but you can deal with things better with the right mindset by educating yourselves on narcissism and the various mental heath as they all have pretty much similar traits that are almost identical to one an other horrible to be on the recieving end of narcissistic abuse but a very interesting thing to learn about plus extremely beneficial too educate yourself on all types as they are very predictable once you know whats what
I’m going through this right now. For three years I have been trying to get my wife back. She has a new supply. We been married since 2002. Our kids are grown. I didn’t know about her dealings three weeks ago. Now they been on a road trip screwing all over the country! I am so hurt about this shit
Years down the road it's not easy because having a kid together. Detaching from someone when you have to be around them. I moved up in my career, losing weight, a dam good father. But still having to be around her still hurts. So annoying. I did everything boundaries, new relationship till this day still hurts. Sucks
Thank you, my ex keeps trying to come back breaking up with me coming back and she totally switched up on me. I finally cut it off for the first time and she's happier than ever. She has been with multiple men but says she's loves me and only me. I love myself more though now!
My ex is a narcissist that used me during her lowest point in life & now completely switched up with someone new
Thank you so much for posting this video truly. God bless you and your family
they can't feel there evil great video you'll never figure them out they don't know themselves or why they do what they do other than evil we bought into their incredible lies we don't like that we chose a mental case and we wasted time with them and then we waste more time dwelling on them
That is so true Sy - we get so fixated on this entire mess. It's really sad because once these relationships are OVER they should be OVER. But we are stuck dwelling on them, like you say, and just wasting time. I know that we *have to do that* as part of the healing process but damn I wish I could have walked out the door 7 years (or so) ago and have the emotional growth I have today. That would have been a MUCH BETTER last few years. But then again had that occurred I would have never even considered the need for a channel like this - so I suppose everything happens for a reason - maybe I was just destine to do this and be where I am right now...
DSD I have to tell you Dwayne I feel like I have regressed that I have not moved forward anywhere as you know my housing situation is in the toilet I still have not found anywhere I am still staying in the hotel paying $2,000 a month for a studio with a kitchen to it but it's better than being out in my car it's costing me money but I'm in a safe place so I guess I can count that as a blessing I really since my credit is where it is thanks to my ex they will not rent to me and I'm trying to find a private owner that's a very difficult situation I did Dwayne end up getting charged by the police department for some nonsense through the Housing Authority that now I had to hire an attorney for I don't know how that's going to turn out the charges should be dismissed as my attorney said but just more fuel to the fire that you know just people that he had to do with everything and that my ex and I had to do with just will not stop with the the Relentless campaigned nail me for everything while he gets off scot-free just not happy about this but I am like I said okay that I'm in a safe place right now I've been in this Motel since April 2nd and hopefully I can find some place somewhere I don't know I'm still searching but the apartments if I don't get my housing back to housing apartments that are for rent are just as ridiculous as me paying for a motel so I have to equate that with this staying in the motel is just like being in an apartment and tire price God knows why I mean we all pay a higher price for everything just doesn't make any damn sense I hope everything is going well thank you for this wonderful video it just reminds me about how stuck I can get sometimes but for the most part I'm not even thinking about this jackass it's like I'm trying to figure out how to get myself unstuck from this credit situation and move forward so I can get another place to live and get out of this motel but I'm thankful that I have the motel on thankful I have my dog Marcy and I'm thankful that I have a car that's something that most people do not have in this city 50% of Denver's population is homeless these greedy bastards and their developers will not be in the housing these people they could if they want take it as a tax write-off they choose not to date they want Denver for the wealthy like it's always been it's disgusting and the bugs on top of that the people all these people move here because of the marijuana Dwayne you have a blessed weekend and hope everything goes well for you text you
The loneless is really hard some days. Some days it's better and can enjoy the life.
But I know it will be better. It will always be better after a while.
Yes it's normal thinking about an ex. What is he/she doing? But I am sure you were thinking that, when you were together. Because you already knew he/she was cheating.
If there are not trust there are no relationship.
Let say you are together with a narcissist right now. That person telling you "I will travel with my friend this summer."
You will be crazy and thinking about what your partner is actually doing, because you can't trust him/her.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. No trust and you will after 30 years feel like a prisoner. You can't sleep at night.
So when you leave a lying narcissist partner or that person is leaving you, it's time to celebrate.
It's not easy. But my advice is, if you must think about your ex, think about when you started to see each other. You will remember things ex were saying to you. Things a normal person wouldn't say at the beginning. Maybe also asking you questions at the first date about your childhood.
You will find a lot of evidence in your mind and memory, that your ex was a narcissist liar at the beginning.
It's much easier to move on, when you understand it was not your fault. You are not crazy. Your ex was not good for you. You deserve so much better.
Nothing make sense with a narcissist.
Yes your ex maybe told you: you are crazy. It's your fault. It's you who destroy this relationship.
But remember a relationship is about 50/50. Not 90/10. Are you angry at your partner it's because you are not happy with how he/she is treating you.
You wouldn't be angry and/or sad if your partner was a good person. Who understand giving and taking and didn't lied to you. You would be happy.
If you are not happy in a relationship, it's not your fault. Specially if you told your partner about how you feel. And your partner doesn't listen to you.
You are a good person. And it's natural to be angry with someone who doesn't care and lying.
Better days will come. We can fight this together!
mh76 jesus is there with you
We do heal and WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE ,,that is why we hurt so deeply !!!
Yeah what little I'm around the ex-wife she's always having fun. Always laughing her butt off with the kids. Always has HUGE plans with the kids. She loves to rename damn near everything with cuteciey B.S. names. I've been working at cutting the energetic codes but can see some are still there. Thank you!
Man I HEAR you on that one. For the longest time it would *really screw with me* because she ALWAYS seemed to be smiles and joy joy. She was even that way during the marriage - but its just all fake BS and it just sucks for us because we know its fake and we want them to FEEL the pain that we do... The reality is they can't feel either way and if they ever open themselves up to their past trauma they will immediately shutdown (or deflect) so they do not have to experience it.
@@DSD I told my ex I wanted to switch brains because I wanted him to feel what I feel....he said," No you don't, you're a good crazy person." We used to say we were both crazy when we were together...me because I'm a creative w a crazy sense of humor. Funny how they tell on themselves, at least mine did and I ignored the flags.
Damn this video really made sense to me. It hit home! Thank you so much
Glad to be of help Alaniz - hope the channel and other videos are helpful for you!
DSD I really value this video, thank you
Thank you Ozzy I appreciate you saying that!
I look on as he moved on with his 4 yr affair partner, they’re traveling all over the world, they will have 20-30 times my monthly income.... they seem happy. They seem to have won. They got everything they wanted, all the money and travel... they got away with everything.
And that right there is why it is so important to not compare our lives to theirs. I know it is difficult especially when you they are 20-30 times your salary. The thing is these people only bring chaos into their lives. In all honest you have won because you are out of that toxic relationship and you have the opportunity to have a good genuine life. They will always have that toxicity stewing around corrupting EVERYTHING that they do. You just have to stop looking Garima at "their" life and hit the reset button on yours. THEN you can start to enjoy where you are and what you have - even if it is just the peace you can create within your own little part of YOUR world. But I hear you though - there was a time I was scared to death the ex was going to be able to "land" a better "version" of me and be living the high life. I know it would have torn me up and it would have made this nightmare even harder. I think I'm at the point now that even if she won the lottery I just wouldn't care - I would still just want that vortex of chaos to BE OUT OF MY LIFE... I would however, want to find a way to end the child support and alimony so that she wasn't a drain on my life but otherwise I DO NOT CARE... I hope you can find that peace for yourself soon Garima - it doesn't happen overnight but I believe you'll get there!
Garima Heath- I can’t deny, that is tough. My ex cheated as well, and now they live together in a home financed with money that was mine. On the other hand they now have to cohabitate and raise their 6 children together, which can’t be easy. If your ex is a narcissist like mine, they are using the new supply just like they used you. In time the wounds will heal, and eventually you will dwell on it less and less. Good luck to you, and God bless.
DSD - you know the hardest thing right now is that I have to consider his opinion for every single thing I plan with my kids. It’s draining and poisonous because everything that comes from him is negative, critical, paints him like such a victim. According to him everything is calculated to hurt his feelings because I am the ‘monster ex wife’ - that’s what they call me.
Excellent Shane! The reality though is that if we didn't get out we'd still be in that nightmare with it slowly killing us. I know at times it can feel "better" than the pain we feel today - but it really isn't...
DSD - I am looking for peace. I cannot go complete NO CONTACT - which would help me forget, focus on me and move on. But for the next 6 yrs we are sharing custody so the best I can do is limited contact... which leaves the door open for all the drama and accusations and criticism and anger and resentment and backbiting to his new supply to flow. Cannot shut it off. It’s like a prison sentence. I have considered giving up everything, giving him the kids and disappearing, moving away ... and I can’t do that to my kids. But that seems to be his dream - that I am out of the picture.
Thank you. Im still having hard time accepting and its been over a year n half since we split . He strings me along and keeps me as a back up plan. I want this misery to be over but cant seem strong enough .
Thank you for sharing 😊
Thank you for your support Lorenzo!
Closure ,,The Narc's will not give us closure which would help us with questions ,,,I had to give myself closure after a few years of struggling and to look at my part in the marriage collapse ,,,It took a long time to forgive myself and realise i did every thing i could ,,the Narc was going to do this no matter what i did !!!
Cathy that is such an important realization that WE ALL need to make - this was going to happen no matter what - maybe we sped up the process but at some point our value was going to drop to zero and they will bounce when we reach that point...
Can relate to this so much. I loved my ex, loved her two sons and proposed to her....12 months later....single again.
Sorry to hear this. It must be gut wrenching
I was with a guy for 4 years who would fly from a different country every month to come and see me. During covid he lost interest, I could feel him pulling away and it made me so whiney. The more I told him what I needed the less he gave me it. Until, he dumped me. I was blindsided. What’s more shocking is that he pursued me, I always felt super secure with him, since the day he dumped me he has not spoken to me once. I’m absolutely heart broken. 9 months later, I still try to look him up, watch his RUclips gaming videos to hear his voice. You know what’s so shocking though? Is to hear him laughing and joking and being kind to other people. Being the person he was with me til he got bored. Sometimes I’m in so much pain I listen to these streams to think he’s talking to me like I remember and it soothes me. I literally don’t know how to stop being connected from him. He cut me out and I feel like I’ll never be happy again. Your videos are giving me comfort. I don’t feel like I can keep this mask on and keep this pain for much longer. I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
You'll be happy again sweetheart please don't worry he was an ass i hope you happy and free now🌹❤
I forgot to add that once a year around my birthday week he hoovers me form random numbers to say Happy Birthday without even saying it’s him.like if the discard never happened 2 years ago. This is so weird and it even makes me laugh.
At least you recognize it for what it is -a hoover - its just an attempt to try to get you to open the door...
Thank you for giving me good advice 🙏
Thank you!! Great advice!! You are so right!!
A narc simply doesn’t just have fun they just make moves strategically like a chess player every thing they do serves a purpose and that is gaining narcissistic supply and manipulation of new victims and hurting someone they have just recently discarded to them must be like an adrenaline rush of narcissistic supply like a heroin addict they feed off other peoples misery and misery usually loves company !!!!! Flying monkeys new victims etc you name it they will do anything just like a drug addict to get that supply and to keep feeding off peoples misery !!!!
I don't know CNA I think it's more like checkers - all except the really high-spectrum-narc are just doing their normal lather-rinse-repeat. Their default mode is to seek out supply so its more just primal nature. The sad part is that when they make a bad move they are quick to discount it and not feel any guilt or remorse for it - it is a crazy thing to watch.
That’s a good way of describing it with checkers they are basically jumping from one thing to the next sort of destroying everything in their path along the way and yes they certainly do lack empathy which is why its self destructive to be fixated on what the narcissist is doing because its basically like Groundhog Day film with them everyday is the same the pattern is always repetitive albeit different scenarios but all boils down to the same thing
LOL I hadn't even thought about it that way but that is perfect! Checkers, jumping from one thing to the next destroying everything along the way! Love that!
My ex is doing well and his current partner is wonderful for him and I cannot fault her she is beautiful, talented, sociable and of course younger! And although I am so happy for him and I know we were not a good match our expectations are incompatible it hurts and I cannot figure out why and it has left me very empty
That's my biggest problem, as I'be been sharing here. There's just a few things I wish to add. I don't know how much sense they make. It may be that they make no sense at all, given the fact that sometimes I myself feel and act as I've gone unhinged.
I repeatedly keep asking myself though, how is it that she's going along so great with everybody except me? And why is there no justice and she's living life to the fullest while I'm struggling and living each day in pain?
I don't keep thinking about her and looking to find what she's doing, in a hope that she'd be back. She had abandoned me in mid 2015 and I had that hope till late 2017. By now, I know she's not coming back and no hope there.
But what I feel sadly different from your video is that I constantly blame myself a lot and feel terribly guilty. I had made some terrible mistakes that really hurt her when she was me. She was also responsible for my acting the way I did, but I still feel that my reaction was disproportionate. When I was bad to her and had yelled at her, it was also that I was at the end of my tether, being constantly ignored, practically non-existent to her, even while I was physically around her. And that was just 2 months into marriage, not as if some sort of familiarity had developed in the marriage. But then there are other moments when I feel that her nature is such that a showdown would have happened sooner or later; even if I hadn't made those mistakes early on something would have come up later on.
Throughout 2017, I kept texting her and apologizing for my actions and seeking another chance. But she didn't even meet me once. That makes me even angrier. I was very bad to her, but didn't she think about me even once? Couldn't she try to sort the relation even once, after I kept begging her to, if she's so great with people in general. But then, I see how she's going along so great with others and had such a dramatic fallout with me. Was the issue only with me? I don't understand. How is it that she's enjoying life with others (and therefore presumably accepted by others) and things got so fucked up so fast between us.
There's also another thing that I do believe in God, though not a fanatic. And I get very angry and depressed looking for justice and why she's so happy after causing so much pain and hurt to me.
My mother and father split when I was two im in my late 30s now she still talks about him every single day
Talk about never being able to break free... It's sad how these people are unable to let go and just take their lives back! Hope you're doing good - it's tough when we have to live through this but maybe with you being older it's better?
I feel so much better.... It seems like I was loosing my mind at first... But now I have the answers. My Dear Lord How did I deal with this Evil Sh*T for so long?
Why does my narc think his daughter is the only Women in his life. He thinks she walks on water. Everything he does with or for her is a secrecy. I'm open with everything I do for my children. 17 years
*I realized she's narcissistic , that's how she got off from showing off and even showing how much she was taking advantage of me*
You help a lot. Thank you
My ex is definitely not a narcissist. He found the girl on tinder but the first we broke we got back together after he lost his mom I just think he’s just lost and I was his first I just wanna detach myself from him entirely so I can focus on myself
The reality, at least in my opinion, if someone isn't right for us they don't have to be toxic, narcissistic, abusive, or whatever. If it just isn't right then its not right. There is nothing wrong with detaching yourself and working on making your life and spirit better - actually it is an investment that will pay off very well in the future!
Your so right 😭, Its so true
Thank you Phyllis!
When u work with ur ex and seeing she is in fun is very difficult to stop focusing on them,I am suffering since last 5-6 months
Your videos are real and true
My ex is having fun. He abandoned his entire family: me, our Grown Sons, his Siblings, his Cousins, his friends since the 1960s. He calls it his "new beginnings" and he has "different interests now". So, I gotta be honest, if their "brain" changes.....in reality....they are having more fun. They walk away from all previous responsibility & in the state of NY, the Judges think it's MARVELOUS for them, as the Judges went through all their own divorces. There are formulas designed to compute maintenance after 32 yrs of marriage in other states. In NY, those are deemed "suggestions" not formulas. The Judge says, "Hey, I'll give you 5 yrs or maintenance at 10% of his monthly take home pay for your 32 yrs of marriage. New supply who contributed nothing to raising our family walks away with 90% of monthly income. #NoJustice
Well Helen, you can just walk away from your demons - you can pretend and put all those things in a box and hide it under your bed BUT if you don't deal with them THEY ALWAYS come back. The problem is when we stay angry and bitter about it then we are giving them another victory. I know it seems impossible that after 32 years your future has been obliterated and you have every right to be bitter and angry about it. You try to do whatever you can to *make it right* and if that doesn't work out you HAVE TO rebaseline your life and start over. At some point you have two options. The first to remain angry and bitter at the time and future that was effectively stolen from you ensuring that you will NEVER get a life back. Or you decide to start again today and start over. The crazy thing is the ex will be really confused and perplexed if you can get your life back and your joy back. I know it's difficult Helen and I also realize that today, in this moment, it is probably too much to even consider but I want you to think of the possibility of being real. I mean hell, if a few years you could fall into your own windfall and have a life you NEVER even imagined before (and I mean that in a good way - not the pain you never imagined that you are living now).
@@DSD Well Duane, you're just way tougher than me. Before I got served w/divorce papers, my husband planned our remarriage at the same church we married in decades beforehand. It was a romantic, lovely surprise day w/our Grown Sons. We had THE happiest marriage, ever. Yet the whole time he was leading a double life w/his appointment taking secretary Dennis. Yes Dennis. So I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect wife, he just wanted a new life....like a Caitlyn Jenner. Why me? A guy who never went more than 24 hours talking to me since 1984, shuts off contact w/everyone in his life in one day, like a light switch. It's all surreal. What is it Duane? Too many cell phone towers causing electronic frequency changes in personality? Poison in the water? Food additives? I'm a nurse & I don't get it. It's not even about "dealing with demons". I liken how I feel to Joan of Arc being burned at the stake in her lifetime..then 600 yrs. later her statue to the right of the altar in Notre Dame, Paris being AGAIN burned to a crisp a few weeks ago. No where, seems safe! For anyone, male or female!
As always, thank you for the video:)
Thank you Not Today! Appreciate your support!
Struggling with this now..just working out daily
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Yeah bro , I dated my gf from turkey , I moved in with her I am an English teacher so within about three months I got her quite fluent in English we did everything together , shared everything i was in love she seemed it as well and expressed it ,then three months later ,she was gone , she said , we
never dated we never were together, you were just a guy who taught me English
Ouch Eric that is one hell of a discard. I hope you’re doing better now but these people generally leave deep wounds.
@@DSD yeah I'm doing good , she is now trying to make me jealous ,but idk she had some trauma before we ended , I think it was love but an event occurred that changed her views trusting men, I guess it made her think I was one of those guys , it was all love until this traumatic experience occured ,I can't blame her , I love her regardless ,I know what happend to her , I couldn't imagine the pain she endured .
What’s noting?? With the constant misspellings in RUclips videos I refuse to share bc it makes it hard to take the message seriously.
Dammit that’s what I get for doing this late at night! Thanks for pointing it out I’ll fix it as soon as I can get in front of a computer...
Darn it, I thought maybe my savage note taking skills would have an effect..;)
Ah its all good - I just glad someone caught it because it does pretty much make me look like a moron to have issues like that in the text. I did fix it so *hopefully* it will replicate through the system quickly enough that it doesn't stay there too long. So honestly I do appreciate it Scott.
LOL Katrice!!! I had to read that twice to get it!!! Nice! 😀
Ease off Scotty. No big deal. The heart of the message speaks for itself and I think we should be grateful.
Thank you so much for sharing
We were together for 6 years & been apart for 2 years & im still hurting like it happy yesterday…
So how do I handle that the fake persona they put on to keep me, wasn’t real, therefore our relationship wasn’t real… I feel embarrassed I loved someone so truly who possibly didn’t love me back
Same here 3 years of a relationship and 6 days after the break up she is already going to parties and having a great time.
This shows me very clearly she was just using me and never actually had love for me and it sucks big time cause I actually loved her but she moved on and I had no option but to the same.
Just move on
Gym
Journal
Go out
Friends
No drugs
Drink in moderation
But please don't under any circumstances please please don't reach out and look at her social media.
Please take my advice
Just don’t appreciate this person wishing harm upon me. There are some things that can’t be walked back.
5 years that changed overnight. Forced to evict from my place. Couldn’t finish the semester of college I was in. All for what?
I love when people break up and act like there soooooo happy now - anyone so adamant about proving how unaffected they are is crazy especially if they never posted on social now suddenly after the break up there a serial poster😂
No one cares
Yeah, it's all fake...
It's because it toxic ex is a narcissist and was mirroring you thry all fake and never be happy
she cheated on me sir, i dont understand why she gets to be happy, ive been alone . she gaslighted me. My friebds dont even contact me. What do i do?? Im tired
Yeah especially with his new wife he’s chosen I mean it seems like he did move on and erased me out of his mind though, but I also think he married her just to get back at me to make me upset or jealous but it didn’t work cus she ain’t even attracted either like his other ex was though!
Glitterbox it was more than likely he found someone who would be that "new" source of supply and that was it. It wasn't - probably - to get back at you or anything other than to establish his new narrative and illusion. You probably only came up in the conversation to highlight how wonderful his new life/wife is and how horrible you were. Its just stupid and these people only focus on the immediate moment and how to get what they "need" to survive... If you can even call what they do surviving - it's just consuming and destroying everything in their path...
Great video
Today is 4 weeks no contact with my ex and 2 days ago she change her instagram from private in public and she post 3 picture from her ex apartment .her ex took the photos ,she poze looking happy saing crocks,sun and no makeup .2 glases of red whine on the table .i recived some screenshots because i closed my ig account .somebody please can tell me what hapend ?
Thanks man!
Lmao the easy question is they’re lying and keeping up the facade.
I blocked my ex narc friend months ago about 3 months ago on social media.
So I dnt even think abt the mess. Now what’s funny is how some of my friends have been bringing him up and talking abt the statuses he makes. I dnt even use Facebook anymore lmao 🤣 so I rly dnt care.
There is definitely a group of people Psyched Perspective that LOVE the drama and want to be in the middle of it. I am SO GRATEFUL that I've been able to excises all of "those people" out from my life. I mean sure the kids bring things up every once in a while but I don't need to hear what's going on at her place all the time. But, to be honest, there was a time when I was desperate to hear any little detail I could. THANK GOD those days are in the past!!!
@@DSD i was the same,, now i really could care less about what drama is happening in her household
DSD Thanks again to you and therapy it has helped a lot. Luckily for me I was never with the ex narc and I didn’t have kids. Thank the lord that was a major bullet dodged. Best wishes to everyone!
Its good to get to that point Freddy! its a game changer!
That's great Psyched Perspective - I wish ALL OF US could have learned this BEFORE the long-term-connection was made and sealed. It makes things so much more complicate and difficult...
I love this video
Yeah and he started looking different too btw!
That is because the change and adapt to the situation at hand to get what they want. Its not to get "back" at us or make us feel bad - they are/he is focused on his own immediate needs and illusion.
We start to obese about it too though!
You mean our looks?
May I ask you why does a narcissist at the beginning tell you that they like everything about you and even thing's you thought no one would understand, but then turn everything around and call you a freak and weird for those very same that you were upfront with them about from the very start of the relationship whether it be secrets or, unique things that make you who you are, or passions you possess, does that make you a narcissist or terrible person when they leave you?
Hi Chris - its mirroring Chris, its them trying to draw you in by accepting you, understanding you, and being the person you always wanted in your life. You/we continue to be vulnerable with this person and they just collect all that information. Why would them leaving you make you the narcissist? They consume *everything they can* for as long as they can and as soon as you have nothing else to offer - in their minds - they move on to the next target. Chris this is a huge mind game that they play and its just pure evil. This is also the worst betrayal - at least in my mind - because they violate your trust and typically they "share" those secrets with everyone to smear you. So please don't beat yourself up too much on being a "terrible person" or a narcissist... Check out my Mindset for narcissistic abuse recovery off the main page on the DSD channel page - that gives you a primer on what this crap is and what's going on as well as some techniques to help you through this.
@@DSD thank you so much for giving me this information I really appreciate you :)
Glad to help Chris. All of this is really tough and takes time so expect that. I think most of us think we should heal rather quickly but that typically does. It happen.
Thank you again
Listen I just don’t get it . I try and wrap
My mind around it but it’s hard to think i was in a real relationship for 3 years and she was just creating a illusion . It didn’t mean anything to her .. it’s been 4 months .. she said it was no one else but I found out she was with another lady while she was with me .. I just don’t get it . Everything she said she didn’t want she went and got .. and now they are happy and I’m stuck trying to figure out what happened. I don’t get it
Yeah like a tv show or like a movie or something like that that right I got what your saying now than!
He payed a part for 20 years? I don’t agree.
Thank u...bless u
Thank you for your support Starr!
Actions have consequences I know my ex will never be hurting be happy after hurting me you can’t be happy bring good woman any guy that put sex about love can never truly be happy just likes looks can only take u certain places sex gets boring too
My ex was so bad in bed I wasn’t happy with sex I wasn’t focussed on that I stayed with him
Thanks ❤
They aren't actually having fun. Its an act
Yep that’s my opinion!
Hi! How are you 😊
I’m great! Hope you are as well
@@DSD I'm good. I see your new thing on fb that Alex tagged me in. Message me on fb and let me know what's happening
Duane, All an illusion, they are chameleons.. Con Con ..artists, Empty miserable souls.. These People!!!!! ....smh
They don't have friendships ..they use people
Duane I think it's time you do a video from a beach while surf fishing with me #DestinationDSD
Now THAT sounds like a GREAT idea for a video Dan!!! Would be awesome to do and film!