Thank you Dr darren. All I can say is love is not pain. I'm no longer a religious woman, but if I were to recall Corinthians 13 4 through 8. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not take pride in wrongdoing. Love rejoices in truth.
the answer is No... they are not capable of Love. in fact the capacity to Love is one of the things they envy about us,,,, i am not a trained professional in this field, but i like to think i have an 'informed opinion'... speaking of .. informed opinion, i better go watch this vid now... my comment is an auto response to the question referred to in vid title. lub you all ... x
Empty love sums it up Darren. Loneliness and despair, while the NPD has endless "emotional affairs" (and probably sexual, leaving you vulnerable to STDs, for sure). This disorder needs to be classified as criminal.
Great video. Thirty-five years married, divorced three years. When I discovered a picture of an unknown woman on our boat along with 1900 texts on our phone bill within 3 weeks, I asked if he loved her. He told me he loved her like our daughter, our friends, our dog and me, etc. Everyone is the same to him and no one is special in his mind. Initially my therapist thought he was in love with being in love because of the numerous emotional affairs I discovered (limerance), but I researched more and his traits are more of a narcissist. Two weeks after I filed for divorce, he moved in with a completely different woman. 😳 said he was looking for more love in his life. Good luck!
I know my heart was broken after being faithful to my husband for 18 years, and dealing with, which I found out later the many lies, adultery, stealing, deception and manipulation. I cannot imagine your pain you must have gone through after 35 years of marriage. My heart goes out to you dear lady. I only found out 14 months ago, and I am still going through the different phases of grief. I've leaned on the Lord God through this all and it is only the Lord that is taking care of me as my husband never really did. I am at the end of the process of an uncontested divorce. And it is gone quite fast. The female he is with, she can have him and he can have her. Though the many times he has tried to come back, you wouldn't think that they are having problems. But I do know they have had their wingding of fights. He never acted that way with me, as the Lord was protecting me from that sort of thing. I do not hate him, I hate and detest what he did, the adultery especially. I will survive and I am going to be just wonderfully fine and dandy. At age 64, my life isn't nearing the end, it is just beginning! ☺️✝️💕 The damage these narcissists do and have no remorse, or regret and how they can hurt so deeply another person, it overwhelms me. It's a tragic sad thing that has happened to my husband and many others. I hope the very best for you and the rest of your life! I will pray for you! 💔✝️❤️🩹✝️❤️
We should form a club. 34 years, final discard 5 years ago. If you are like me, you are still having a really rough go of it, and going through this and Covid at the same time was tough to say the least. But in about the last six months life is starting to shine...No man. Can't even bring myself to online date. Not even a cat. [Still working on the exhaustion piece...] Just the peace that comes with grace: understanding and acceptance. I wish you the same and more.
Not always men . My wife of 31 years told me she had found someone new . Left me and the children 2 days later. In all the time I was with her I never got it. My daughter said daddy it was always about mum. She manipulated you until she got what she wanted all thru my life. She called the shots and when she couldn’t manipulate you she left. Even after she left she is still pulling your strings
This is the most accurate description of my marriage, unfortunately. It’s taken a long time and a lot of heartache to realize his “love” is only him loving what I do for him. I’m a blender. Only pay attention to it or be nice when you need to blend something. Otherwise, out of sight out of mind and no one feels guilt towards the blender when they yell at it for not working correctly- because it’s a blender. Transactions only!
Yep. I ended up telling him that he was treating me like a maid with benefits. (except that most people are polite to their cleaning ladies and say things like "how are you doing" and "thank you").
It was hard to find out what the problem was through out 20+ years. Why? Projection. She threw all her fears onto me and like being bombarded daily, there was no chance to evaluate because I was so busy "trying" to make it "right". When i get it right, something else goes wrong. I never realized this until a few years ago that all along it was her inability to love, fear of intimacy and vulnerability that kept her devaluing me not just to achieve control, but to hide all her insecurities and the absolute shame of the the "empty" / fake love she has shown. Did she ever love me? An unequivocal NO! Anyone who abuses you do NOT love you. Someone who loves you will NOT abuse you. thank you, Darren.
My ex created drama after drama, I used to wonder how her heart could take it. She'd show me no affection but expect me to give her my all, if I asked about our future, she'd say things like "how do I know I'll how I'll feel tomorrow ". She had no interest in offering reassurances, maybe she was just being honest for once.
Thank you Darren. You have just described my relationships with the narcisists in my life. It is the most accurate description of what love of a narcisists is I have ever heard. Loneliness of unheard of proportions.
My mom was a narcissist. My choice of friends and partners were too. Do we as scapegoats subconsciously choose narcissists in our lives or is it that narcissists can sense we are use to being treated this way? Narcissists are everywhere. Thanks to channels like this hopefully we can spot them before too much damage can happen. Thank you for this channel.
I know what you are saying . It is difficult to find how to learn to love oneself unconditionally , when you endured so many years of not feeling supported and loved . We become unknown to our own self I believe . Its time to get out there and know we can do it if we take one step at a time . Whenever Im feeling lost and full of fears , I know its from the past . But we are alive right now in this moment and we do not have to anymore believe or buy into what others say . Whats important now , is meditating on who we can be without the constant inner dialog and outer too if we are still dealing with others bad behaviours . According to Seth , we create everything . So here is a pep talk for you and me . Stop listening to that inner critic and replace each negative thought with a new positive one . Just day after day find a way to encourage the positive beliefs about yourself , and say hello to that . Thank You for your post . It made me aware once again of my own inner critic. Lets just say goodbye to that awful past dialog. Im routing for you! 🫵🏼🙏🏼✌🏼😇🙌🏼🫶🏼 💪🏼
Well that was tough to hear. But absolutely on point. Still getting through it but feel as if I've dodged a bullet. Too much BS for too long. "I love you." "Then why do you treat me like dirt?" Goodbye and good luck. I like birdsong in the morning, not horrible comments about how I look or what I do. If you can, politely get the hell out ASAP.
I would say ultimately the answer to that question is a resounding no. Love is not self-serving. "Love" from someone that "loves" you because you make them feel admired is not true love at all. Another great video, Darren-thank you!
Thank you!! I left 20 years ago after 32 years. I came to this conclusion. He loved me as much as he was capable of, which wasn’t much. And your final statement was perfect. I appreciate all your videos, but this one the most
Love is a easy word, its the long term action or lack of action that is your reality. Thank you for this video its always so spot on. Thank you so much.
Yep, my mother during her entire 40 year marriage. Dad was so happy after the divorce. Parents, don't stay together "for the kids" like they did. They wasted decades of their lives & screwed up two daughters from their cold and resentful relationship (kids know you don't love each other - we feel that - & we will pray for one of you to go away just so things can be happy).
No no, feel I could keep the narcissist happy until we had children. His main emotion was jealousy. He did not like any divided attention. I was used to emotional deprivation so it took a while to notice. Some of the things were lightly disgusting. He would come straight home from General Motors and go straight to the basement to work out. He did ropes skipping and the sound was so strange. He would always compete against his last score. He hold our baby son and stare at the tiny hand on his huge bicep and I noticed this was irregular. To keep him happy was impossible. I was trapped in the relationship because of his jealousy he would fake suicide threats for anything I did. His attempts at keeping me I suppose I thought that was love. But it was just control and manipulation. I'm just someone that could be controlled by my loved one. He was so miserable that I helped him buy a marina in Florida down by my parents house. Our kids were 12 and 15. We moved from Michigan to Florida to keep him happy. He had a huge farewell party at General Motors and the human resources manager came up to me and said are you sure you want to do this Chris? That told me they knew he was a dangerous person. The four of us came back up to Michigan for Christmas and he would go back and forth to Florida. I woke up one morning to drive my children somewhere as he was back down in Florida that morning and I drove on to the highway where my brakes were gone I had to drive on the busy highway without breaks make a turn and glide my car about a mile back to the house where we were staying and successfully went through stop signs and glided the car into the curb safely. The mechanic that told the car said that the brake cap had been taken off. My camera on the dining room table was peed on if you can imagine. I did not put anything together because I couldn't imagine anyone purposely taking the gas cap off. Now I'm 30 years later yes I see it was a pattern of even if he just caused an accident he would use that against me as a weapon as to my incompetence and my horrible mothering. I had unbelievable tolerance because we would go from one mess to the next mess. There was no way I could figure this out 30 years ago. So I think with the many things that have happened that he was a psychopath slash narcissist.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
Well, it's only been a month. Keep listening to Darren's videos and give it a few more months. Darren helped me turn all those same feelings and thoughts around within 5 months, so it IS possible.🙏❤️🩹
You've described so well how my relationship with my narcissistic partner evolved over time. I thought it might have been because he became more narcissistic as he got older but after listening to this video it sounds like it's just the natural progression. You really summed it up by saying that everything is transactional and conditional, while at the same time expecting unconditional and selfless love.
The narcissist I had a relationship with was in love with the version of me they wanted to create to make themself fit into the version of themself they wanted to be. They tried to destroy who I was - my morals, boundaries, personal style- to make me a “real” adult The adult they thought was the “ideal” reflection of their “worth”. 7:17 They “loved” me like a prized show dog. Perform to their liking and get a pat on the head. Fall short and the “training” resumes until they feel satisfied- that time. After I was married, they ran into my younger sister and her friend. They asked about me, turning to her friend and saying, “I really loved them” (meaning me). My sister replied “Yeah right.” The narcissist then asked in a sneering tone if I was “happy”. She replied that I was absolutely happy and had a wonderful spouse- in fact we were going to have a baby. She said the narcissist looked like someone sapped them in the face because they couldn’t imagine that I’d actually sleep with my spouse when I wouldn’t sleep with them (main moral boundary they’d punish me for not allowing them to break). I confess it was delightful to hear that story.
Just found your channel and am so very glad I did. Your take on this is so very needed. I was married to a narcissist for over 32 years but his "love" for me ended so many years before. I stayed in through many years of maddening abuse because I loved him completely and I guess I believed I could somehow take care of him until one of my us died. I am now three years beyond our divorce and a little over one year past his death. You are very gently answering questions that I am still struggling with. Did he ever love me. And I now know the answer. But it helps me to begin to see that I probably could never have done "enough" to make him love me. Thank you for helping me to understand this a little. You are the only podcast on NPD that has explained it so clearly and I thank you for this. God bless you ♥️🙏♥️
Thnx Darren, this answered a Q that has been churning in my head. I feel they think they love, or the idea of love, depending on where they are on the spectrum. And in the beginning everything seems like a fairytale... Because s-/he have found something to focus their attention on, the "new" high. Another object (me/you) that has something to give them. In retrospect I know my gut feeling said something to me, and I can look at things that I let slide, things that were quite major, and warnings signs.... BIG words, their history, gaslighting, projecting, hot/cold... And ofc "What's in it for me?" #BurnAllTheBrigdes
So very grateful to have come across this channel. I am absolutely exhausted with dealing with the narcissist in my life. After binge watching some of the videos for the frst time I'm starting to feel a glimmer of hope at being able to navigate through all this daily turmoil💖
i don't know , but maybe I am a narc too? if I grew up with narc parents and I was the black sheep of six kids . I admit I do not know what unconditional love is. I wanted that and needed it , but I don't have it as yet, so I feel that I am conditional about loving others as well unfortunately . I am working on myself think I fit into the avoidant style I have read about . Fear of relationships !my first relationship was with an abuser , and I stayed with him out of fear s , until he tried hitting my dog . Then It was over for me . but why did I allow him hitting me , but not my dog? that is a real problem . But at least I know that I would never get involved in that kind of relationship again . That was the 1970 s .
I am an NPD; this video explains exactly how my relationships are. My love is not what can I do for them. Instead, if I can satisfy them in the greatest possible ways, I will be fulfilled and happy. Again it is not because I want the best for them but that giving them the best makes me feel fulfilled. My Xs' mom said it best when I picked her up for our first date "He looks like a golden retriever." NPD romance can be described as puppy love, and for the most part, we think how I imagine dogs think. My thought process: "Am I showing empathy enough" "Am I complimenting them enough" "Am I buying them enough gifts" "Am I giving good sex" "Am I on good terms with their parent" All of these boil down to "Am I good" if I am not, I shut down and or leave. By extension they feel asthough they are my dog and that I use them for personal gain. This is completely true and I hate it. Thank you for these videos. They help me see through my downfalls and correct my faults. after thought: Many people in the comments confuse Psychopathy with NPD. people with Psychopathy, by definition, can not be diagnosed with NPD. They are different but overlap. The difference should be distinguished for the audience.
Darren, your work has been invaluable to me over the past seven months, as I have been navigating my way out of a marriage with a vulnerable narcissist. But all seriousness aside: I love your Dinky Enterprise & Eagle, and your Battlestar and TIE. I keep some of my childhood toys in a display case also. If we cannot nurture our latent child, and that of our partner, much is lost for both partners, though they may not realize it for many years, if ever. Stay strong, Darren, you are helping more people than even you know.
Wow... This explained so much about my entire marriage! I have watched a lot of videos about narcissism in the last year... And I think this has been the most earth-shattering (yet incredibly helpful) that I have seen. Thank you.
Thank you for these programs Mr. Magee. I have found them very helpful in sorting out some troubling relationships. This particular question is a tough one to wrestle with. Some or much of the difficulty around this discussion arises from the wide and varied definitions of what love is and is not. If "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud" arrogant or selfish, then narcissism is the polar opposite of love. I'm not strictly religious myself, but do ascribe to this core teaching. I don't know how someone who chooses control over emotional closeness can be described as loving nor can I agree that someone who fails to keep their commitments can be described as committed. In my view, someone who consistently chooses control over emotional closeness is not loving, they are controlling. Someone who consistently fails to keep their commitment of marriage can not be called a wife or husband. As you stated, there is a spectrum of behavior to consider. People are not perfect, so I emphasize consistency when making this distinction. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughtful engagement with such complex topics. You are much appreciated.
Ones I sad to my narcisstic ex-husband - You are like a black hole, no matter how much love is poured, nothing comes out. And he replayed - I love you as much as I can. He knew that is almost nothing.
I have just realized that whenever my partner receives positive narcissistic supply from others, then I am in for it - projection, gaslighting. It tells me that if he had the chance, he would dump me and it also tells me he does not love me.
Hell no! You don't try to destroy a person who you actually love or loved. And I didn't realize the extent and depth of hate which was below the surface until I decided to go. If you love someone, you let them go. You don't declare war on them!
I admit I married a man with narcissistic traits. It took me several years to realize this. I've now accepted that the man I dated and the man I'm married to are not the same because one was fake and the other is real, and I can't keep hoping for the former to reappear at random times. So I've had to remove the emotions I've been pouring into our relationship, makin it work and "grow", and give that to our children. This is, of course, drastic for my husband, and he's finally working on himself and our marriage. (However, this took me physically leaving my husband, and him realizing that his "support system" actually wants him to have a failed marriage, so that they can all elevate themselves on his misery. (Narcissists actually only have narcissistic friends and family--mind-blowing!))
I think they love for their own gain. It may have started logical, from a common point of interest, but they know love is exchangeable, so they know that their 'interest' will give them attention. Regardless if it's good or bad. My narc sister has a string of relations with truely psychotic boyfriends. Because that would bolster her victim role. One day I decided: Either she is dumb or she's doing it on purpose. It wasn't the first one because she had some good brains, so I decided it was the second one. This led to the conclusion: if she does it on purpose, it's her choice and than my help is futile. One of the many reasons I cut my communication with her.
Just the supply, became panicked and frightened when there was a risk of loss. Very difficult at the time to sort out fact from fiction. I ended it for my own sanity and it is very difficult to not dwell on the fact that I was vulnerable and stupid.
In my opinion true love is unconditional, Simple, but not simple to narcissists. Love is inherently a gift, and gifts are not given with a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude or only when it benefits me me me. It’s not quid pro quo. As Thich Nhat Hanh would say: “love in such a way that the person you love feels free” or “If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love”.
hi, i have only recently discovered your channel and it is immensely informative and helpful. thank you v much for this. if possible could you please make a video about the factors on which receiving inheritance from wealthy npd parents depends on, if both the children go no contact. also, is it unwise to be in therapy, realise all the abuse, give up the need for love or attention from them, draw a boundary but still have low contact instead of no contact, just for financial assistance from npd parents? thanks again for the wonderful content.
Only a GOOD TIME. He love-bombed me, proposed within 2 weeks of knowing me, showered me with gifts, attention, time and energy....if I needed ANYTHING he would go and get it! HE DID!!! But the day we were at my father's grave and I was bawling, tears and snot rolling down my face, he not only didn't hug me, but didn't even offer a tissue. And I knew then there was no Love. IT was only theatrics.
did he love me? He kept failing me and I kept making excuses for him. our relationship changed when I lost my father and he was unable to support me through this terrible ordeal. our couple never recovered because I no longer had the strength to manage my relationship with him while continuing to serve as his personal coach. he never forgave me.... hahaha! how stupid this man really is! I bet he actually cries every day because I’m gone. I realized that what he loved and appreciated a lot about me was the unique way I viewed him and envisioned his inner potential. No one supported him as much as I did at the beginning of our relationship. His dysfunctional family was terribly critical of each of his members, and this was the first time he had received words of encouragement and recognition of his merits. it’s the only thing he saw in me. I had proof of that when our relationship broke down. I decided to sleep in the guest room, it didn’t bother him. I stopped cooking for him, it didn’t bother him. But the day I ignored him insultingly in a conversation with two workers I wanted to hire (and he did not - as always), he broke up. I asked myself for quite a long time if he ever loved me, and the answer I came up with was no. or yes but only like a very comfortable couch. who I am and what I want was never his concern.
My ex took one look at my thumb that was turning black, grabbed his phone to take a pic of it and said, well I've got to get to work and left. I drove myself to the emergency room and was hospitalized for a badly infected thumb that I almost lost. Yeah, that was just one example of the many similar experiences in a loveless marriage.
Love your videos Darren. Would be interested in your view on a overt narcissist (wife) having a very strong dislike possibly hate for men (all) Spent 14 yrs together. Cheers.
They don't love, they are just temporarily obsessed and then they're bored and need that buzz again. And obviously we are to blame cos they don't feel that fizzle anymore. I've said before they're like kids opening Xmas presents, they get bored of the new toy in time.
They only love themselves. Copy your personality so you fall in love with your own personality. You just served these persons without any return. In the end I asked what is your view of our relationship (and feelings) the answer was just empty because she was the first to announce so not able to copy my definition 😉. I smiled and sad goodby and wish here luck in life but my services closed😆
My short answer to the title: No. Mine I would put on a 5-6 spectrum...no matter what, he is his biggest and only love. Give and take? He takes as much as he can.
Don't actually know how to love or accept themselves. Not able to truly love you.. Its all a show.. All about filling the black hole of their messed up EVIL soul!
... as a German Biologist “Love” is so abused as a word... Abusers abuse it the most... there is the predator catching prey and declare absolute ownership there are born slaves no identity who do not sense Slavery so they get abused and assume that is the way.. The concept of “Love” is based on Symmetry not ownership
That saying will never be outdated. It's always true. And I would add: Judge people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words.
The only thing the narcissist loves is what they can get from their victim. Once the victim refuses to serve that purpose, out goes the "love".
They don’t have feelings. Because they were never shown love or taught the meaning of love.
@@ReRe_642 Or they were treated as if they were the center of the universe by family of origin, friends, etc.
So true
Lol Out goes the love. So true, they become so upset and will jail you, start blaming you about anything. Start becoming a kid.
🎉@@ReRe_642
Thank you Dr darren. All I can say is love is not pain. I'm no longer a religious woman, but if I were to recall Corinthians 13 4 through 8. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not take pride in wrongdoing. Love rejoices in truth.
This made me realized that my mother never loved me, she only used me to meet her needs. I was her victim but not anymore.
the answer is No... they are not capable of Love.
in fact the capacity to Love is one of the things they envy about us,,,,
i am not a trained professional in this field, but i like to think i have an 'informed opinion'...
speaking of .. informed opinion, i better go watch this vid now... my comment is an auto response to the question referred to in vid title.
lub you all ... x
I don’t know how many times I told him actions speak louder than words, very helpful video 😊
Empty love sums it up Darren. Loneliness and despair, while the NPD has endless "emotional affairs" (and probably sexual, leaving you vulnerable to STDs, for sure). This disorder needs to be classified as criminal.
I agree we should be able to assume for emotional and psychological abuse after they destroyed your health in your life
Great video. Thirty-five years married, divorced three years. When I discovered a picture of an unknown woman on our boat along with 1900 texts on our phone bill within 3 weeks, I asked if he loved her. He told me he loved her like our daughter, our friends, our dog and me, etc. Everyone is the same to him and no one is special in his mind. Initially my therapist thought he was in love with being in love because of the numerous emotional affairs I discovered (limerance), but I researched more and his traits are more of a narcissist. Two weeks after I filed for divorce, he moved in with a completely different woman. 😳 said he was looking for more love in his life. Good luck!
Hopefully you will find the love you deserve. Real love
I know my heart was broken after being faithful to my husband for 18 years, and dealing with, which I found out later the many lies, adultery, stealing, deception and manipulation. I cannot imagine your pain you must have gone through after 35 years of marriage. My heart goes out to you dear lady. I only found out 14 months ago, and I am still going through the different phases of grief. I've leaned on the Lord God through this all and it is only the Lord that is taking care of me as my husband never really did. I am at the end of the process of an uncontested divorce. And it is gone quite fast. The female he is with, she can have him and he can have her. Though the many times he has tried to come back, you wouldn't think that they are having problems. But I do know they have had their wingding of fights. He never acted that way with me, as the Lord was protecting me from that sort of thing. I do not hate him, I hate and detest what he did, the adultery especially. I will survive and I am going to be just wonderfully fine and dandy. At age 64, my life isn't nearing the end, it is just beginning! ☺️✝️💕
The damage these narcissists do and have no remorse, or regret and how they can hurt so deeply another person, it overwhelms me. It's a tragic sad thing that has happened to my husband and many others. I hope the very best for you and the rest of your life! I will pray for you!
💔✝️❤️🩹✝️❤️
He'll be looking forever like my ex cos they cant feel true love. His loss.
We should form a club. 34 years, final discard 5 years ago. If you are like me, you are still having a really rough go of it, and going through this and Covid at the same time was tough to say the least. But in about the last six months life is starting to shine...No man. Can't even bring myself to online date. Not even a cat. [Still working on the exhaustion piece...] Just the peace that comes with grace: understanding and acceptance. I wish you the same and more.
Not always men . My wife of 31 years told me she had found someone new . Left me and the children 2 days later. In all the time I was with her I never got it. My daughter said daddy it was always about mum. She manipulated you until she got what she wanted all thru my life. She called the shots and when she couldn’t manipulate you she left. Even after she left she is still pulling your strings
This is the most accurate description of my marriage, unfortunately. It’s taken a long time and a lot of heartache to realize his “love” is only him loving what I do for him. I’m a blender. Only pay attention to it or be nice when you need to blend something. Otherwise, out of sight out of mind and no one feels guilt towards the blender when they yell at it for not working correctly- because it’s a blender. Transactions only!
I used to tell my husband I felt like the chief cook and bottle washer instead of a wife.
Yep. I ended up telling him that he was treating me like a maid with benefits. (except that most people are polite to their cleaning ladies and say things like "how are you doing" and "thank you").
It was hard to find out what the problem was through out 20+ years. Why? Projection. She threw all her fears onto me and like being bombarded daily, there was no chance to evaluate because I was so busy "trying" to make it "right". When i get it right, something else goes wrong. I never realized this until a few years ago that all along it was her inability to love, fear of intimacy and vulnerability that kept her devaluing me not just to achieve control, but to hide all her insecurities and the absolute shame of the the "empty" / fake love she has shown.
Did she ever love me? An unequivocal NO! Anyone who abuses you do NOT love you. Someone who loves you will NOT abuse you.
thank you, Darren.
My ex created drama after drama, I used to wonder how her heart could take it. She'd show me no affection but expect me to give her my all, if I asked about our future, she'd say things like "how do I know I'll how I'll feel tomorrow ". She had no interest in offering reassurances, maybe she was just being honest for once.
@@JohnSmith-wo7nsYour heart of flesh could only take so much.
I love your handle! You must be a southern boy! I'm hoping you don't jump from the frying pan to the fire.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 painfully true.
Darren your video is extremely accurate, Thanks 👍👍👍👍
Thank you Darren. You have just described my relationships with the narcisists in my life. It is the most accurate description of what love of a narcisists is I have ever heard. Loneliness of unheard of proportions.
Truly, Madley.... Deeply.... ...... expectations exceeded. as usual ... i always learn something from you.
many thanks, my friend ...
My mom was a narcissist. My choice of friends and partners were too. Do we as scapegoats subconsciously choose narcissists in our lives or is it that narcissists can sense we are use to being treated this way?
Narcissists are everywhere. Thanks to channels like this hopefully we can spot them before too much damage can happen.
Thank you for this channel.
Raise that self-esteem, step out of the nest, and fly away.
I know what you are saying . It is difficult to find how to learn to love oneself unconditionally , when you endured so many years of not feeling supported and loved . We become unknown to our own self I believe . Its time to get out there and know we can do it if we take one step at a time . Whenever Im feeling lost and full of fears , I know its from the past . But we are alive right now in this moment and we do not have to anymore believe or buy into what others say . Whats important now , is meditating on who we can be without the constant inner dialog and outer too if we are still dealing with others bad behaviours . According to Seth , we create everything . So here is a pep talk for you and me . Stop listening to that inner critic and replace each negative thought with a new positive one . Just day after day find a way to encourage the positive beliefs about yourself , and say hello to that . Thank You for your post . It made me aware once again of my own inner critic. Lets just say goodbye to that awful past dialog. Im routing for you! 🫵🏼🙏🏼✌🏼😇🙌🏼🫶🏼 💪🏼
Well that was tough to hear. But absolutely on point. Still getting through it but feel as if I've dodged a bullet.
Too much BS for too long.
"I love you."
"Then why do you treat me like dirt?"
Goodbye and good luck. I like birdsong in the morning, not horrible comments about how I look or what I do. If you can, politely get the hell out ASAP.
I would say ultimately the answer to that question is a resounding no. Love is not self-serving. "Love" from someone that "loves" you because you make them feel admired is not true love at all. Another great video, Darren-thank you!
Thank you for this comment. This is the one that resonates with me. Still, Let it never be said that Darren Magee isn't fair to all...
Actions speak louder than words. So true! When it starts to go South, you set boundaries to keep your self respect. They don’t like that!!!
Thank you!! I left 20 years ago after 32 years. I came to this conclusion. He loved me as much as he was capable of, which wasn’t much.
And your final statement was perfect. I appreciate all your videos, but this one the most
Love is a easy word, its the long term action or lack of action that is your reality. Thank you for this video its always so spot on. Thank you so much.
Thank you Darren. It’s so hard to leave but it’s great just to know I’m not going mad.
Yep, my mother during her entire 40 year marriage. Dad was so happy after the divorce.
Parents, don't stay together "for the kids" like they did.
They wasted decades of their lives & screwed up two daughters from their cold and resentful relationship (kids know you don't love each other - we feel that - & we will pray for one of you to go away just so things can be happy).
No no, feel I could keep the narcissist happy until we had children. His main emotion was jealousy. He did not like any divided attention. I was used to emotional deprivation so it took a while to notice. Some of the things were lightly disgusting. He would come straight home from General Motors and go straight to the basement to work out. He did ropes skipping and the sound was so strange. He would always compete against his last score. He hold our baby son and stare at the tiny hand on his huge bicep and I noticed this was irregular. To keep him happy was impossible. I was trapped in the relationship because of his jealousy he would fake suicide threats for anything I did. His attempts at keeping me I suppose I thought that was love. But it was just control and manipulation. I'm just someone that could be controlled by my loved one. He was so miserable that I helped him buy a marina in Florida down by my parents house. Our kids were 12 and 15. We moved from Michigan to Florida to keep him happy. He had a huge farewell party at General Motors and the human resources manager came up to me and said are you sure you want to do this Chris? That told me they knew he was a dangerous person. The four of us came back up to Michigan for Christmas and he would go back and forth to Florida. I woke up one morning to drive my children somewhere as he was back down in Florida that morning and I drove on to the highway where my brakes were gone I had to drive on the busy highway without breaks make a turn and glide my car about a mile back to the house where we were staying and successfully went through stop signs and glided the car into the curb safely. The mechanic that told the car said that the brake cap had been taken off. My camera on the dining room table was peed on if you can imagine. I did not put anything together because I couldn't imagine anyone purposely taking the gas cap off. Now I'm 30 years later yes I see it was a pattern of even if he just caused an accident he would use that against me as a weapon as to my incompetence and my horrible mothering. I had unbelievable tolerance because we would go from one mess to the next mess. There was no way I could figure this out 30 years ago. So I think with the many things that have happened that he was a psychopath slash narcissist.
😮😮
Thank you for sharing a tiny snippet out of your story.
Trust you're doing better and are safe these days (?)
Wishing everything good your way ❣
@@LeNaInLoVe Yes, now much better and safe and sound. Thanks for asking.
Sorry to hear that Chrissy.
There are some sly individuals around!
Thank God you're away from him. You deserve to be happy--alone if you choose, or with a good, NORMAL, considerate man who loves you for being you!
@@jnorway7295 thank you so much, I'm happy to have peace in my life and safety. God bless you too.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
@Mark Reeves Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
@Mark Reeves Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Well, it's only been a month. Keep listening to Darren's videos and give it a few more months. Darren helped me turn all those same feelings and thoughts around within 5 months, so it IS possible.🙏❤️🩹
You've described so well how my relationship with my narcissistic partner evolved over time. I thought it might have been because he became more narcissistic as he got older but after listening to this video it sounds like it's just the natural progression. You really summed it up by saying that everything is transactional and conditional, while at the same time expecting unconditional and selfless love.
The narcissist I had a relationship with was in love with the version of me they wanted to create to make themself fit into the version of themself they wanted to be. They tried to destroy who I was - my morals, boundaries, personal style- to make me a “real” adult The adult they thought was the “ideal” reflection of their “worth”. 7:17 They “loved” me like a prized show dog. Perform to their liking and get a pat on the head. Fall short and the “training” resumes until they feel satisfied- that time.
After I was married, they ran into my younger sister and her friend. They asked about me, turning to her friend and saying, “I really loved them” (meaning me). My sister replied “Yeah right.” The narcissist then asked in a sneering tone if I was “happy”. She replied that I was absolutely happy and had a wonderful spouse- in fact we were going to have a baby. She said the narcissist looked like someone sapped them in the face because they couldn’t imagine that I’d actually sleep with my spouse when I wouldn’t sleep with them (main moral boundary they’d punish me for not allowing them to break).
I confess it was delightful to hear that story.
Just found your channel and am so very glad I did. Your take on this is so very needed. I was married to a narcissist for over 32 years but his "love" for me ended so many years before. I stayed in through many years of maddening abuse because I loved him completely and I guess I believed I could somehow take care of him until one of my us died. I am now three years beyond our divorce and a little over one year past his death. You are very gently answering questions that I am still struggling with. Did he ever love me. And I now know the answer. But it helps me to begin to see that I probably could never have done "enough" to make him love me. Thank you for helping me to understand this a little. You are the only podcast on NPD that has explained it so clearly and I thank you for this. God bless you ♥️🙏♥️
Thnx Darren, this answered a Q that has been churning in my head.
I feel they think they love, or the idea of love, depending on where they are on the spectrum.
And in the beginning everything seems like a fairytale...
Because s-/he have found something to focus their attention on, the "new" high. Another object (me/you) that has something to give them. In retrospect I know my gut feeling said something to me, and I can look at things that I let slide, things that were quite major, and warnings signs.... BIG words, their history, gaslighting, projecting, hot/cold...
And ofc "What's in it for me?"
#BurnAllTheBrigdes
defintely a professional personal guide (to stray from labels); arrived at the truth on my own journey ... very socratic. Thumbs up .
Excellent video! Words of true wisdom
So very grateful to have come across this channel. I am absolutely exhausted with dealing with the narcissist in my life. After binge watching some of the videos for the frst time I'm starting to feel a glimmer of hope at being able to navigate through all this daily turmoil💖
Me too. Life changing knowing that others are going through the same. Best wishes to you.
@@possumsnest and to you as well
Eye opening perspective. She never loved me, just the perks and security. Never got it back from her. 🐻
Well stated Darren Thank You
i don't know , but maybe I am a narc too? if I grew up with narc parents and I was the black sheep of six kids . I admit I do not know what unconditional love is. I wanted that and needed it , but I don't have it as yet, so I feel that I am conditional about loving others as well unfortunately . I am working on myself think I fit into the avoidant style I have read about . Fear of relationships !my first relationship was with an abuser , and I stayed with him out of fear s , until he tried hitting my dog . Then It was over for me . but why did I allow him hitting me , but not my dog? that is a real problem . But at least I know that I would never get involved in that kind of relationship again . That was the 1970 s .
So true, actions speak louder than words. This is exactly how i felt very early on.
I am an NPD; this video explains exactly how my relationships are. My love is not what can I do for them. Instead, if I can satisfy them in the greatest possible ways, I will be fulfilled and happy. Again it is not because I want the best for them but that giving them the best makes me feel fulfilled. My Xs' mom said it best when I picked her up for our first date "He looks like a golden retriever." NPD romance can be described as puppy love, and for the most part, we think how I imagine dogs think.
My thought process:
"Am I showing empathy enough"
"Am I complimenting them enough"
"Am I buying them enough gifts"
"Am I giving good sex"
"Am I on good terms with their parent"
All of these boil down to "Am I good" if I am not, I shut down and or leave.
By extension they feel asthough they are my dog and that I use them for personal gain. This is completely true and I hate it.
Thank you for these videos. They help me see through my downfalls and correct my faults.
after thought:
Many people in the comments confuse Psychopathy with NPD. people with Psychopathy, by definition, can not be diagnosed with NPD. They are different but overlap. The difference should be distinguished for the audience.
Psychopathy isn’t a formal diagnoses. Cluster B has a different brain. The cluster all have narcissism as a defense mechanism.
For me, this is one of the most helpful videos you have created. Much gratitude Sir. 👁
Darren, your work has been invaluable to me over the past seven months, as I have been navigating my way out of a marriage with a vulnerable narcissist. But all seriousness aside: I love your Dinky Enterprise & Eagle, and your Battlestar and TIE. I keep some of my childhood toys in a display case also. If we cannot nurture our latent child, and that of our partner, much is lost for both partners, though they may not realize it for many years, if ever. Stay strong, Darren, you are helping more people than even you know.
Thankyou so much. The video and community of comments have given me hope that there is another life out of this existence. So grateful.
Wow... This explained so much about my entire marriage! I have watched a lot of videos about narcissism in the last year... And I think this has been the most earth-shattering (yet incredibly helpful) that I have seen. Thank you.
Thank you for these programs Mr. Magee. I have found them very helpful in sorting out some troubling relationships. This particular question is a tough one to wrestle with. Some or much of the difficulty around this discussion arises from the wide and varied definitions of what love is and is not. If "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud" arrogant or selfish, then narcissism is the polar opposite of love. I'm not strictly religious myself, but do ascribe to this core teaching. I don't know how someone who chooses control over emotional closeness can be described as loving nor can I agree that someone who fails to keep their commitments can be described as committed. In my view, someone who consistently chooses control over emotional closeness is not loving, they are controlling. Someone who consistently fails to keep their commitment of marriage can not be called a wife or husband. As you stated, there is a spectrum of behavior to consider. People are not perfect, so I emphasize consistency when making this distinction. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughtful engagement with such complex topics. You are much appreciated.
This hit so many points in the 14 years I was married to one
Ones I sad to my narcisstic ex-husband - You are like a black hole, no matter how much love is poured, nothing comes out. And he replayed - I love you as much as I can. He knew that is almost nothing.
Helpful to hear this perspective…applies to friendships as well.
I have just realized that whenever my partner receives positive narcissistic supply from others, then I am in for it - projection, gaslighting. It tells me that if he had the chance, he would dump me and it also tells me he does not love me.
Thank you for these videos. One of the best I've seen on RUclips. To the point and clear on what went on.
The concluding statement- hits hard! 😞
They love what they can get from you.
Hell no! You don't try to destroy a person who you actually love or loved. And I didn't realize the extent and depth of hate which was below the surface until I decided to go. If you love someone, you let them go. You don't declare war on them!
I admit I married a man with narcissistic traits. It took me several years to realize this. I've now accepted that the man I dated and the man I'm married to are not the same because one was fake and the other is real, and I can't keep hoping for the former to reappear at random times. So I've had to remove the emotions I've been pouring into our relationship, makin it work and "grow", and give that to our children. This is, of course, drastic for my husband, and he's finally working on himself and our marriage. (However, this took me physically leaving my husband, and him realizing that his "support system" actually wants him to have a failed marriage, so that they can all elevate themselves on his misery. (Narcissists actually only have narcissistic friends and family--mind-blowing!))
I think they love for their own gain. It may have started logical, from a common point of interest, but they know love is exchangeable, so they know that their 'interest' will give them attention. Regardless if it's good or bad. My narc sister has a string of relations with truely psychotic boyfriends. Because that would bolster her victim role. One day I decided: Either she is dumb or she's doing it on purpose. It wasn't the first one because she had some good brains, so I decided it was the second one. This led to the conclusion: if she does it on purpose, it's her choice and than my help is futile. One of the many reasons I cut my communication with her.
Just the supply, became panicked and frightened when there was a risk of loss. Very difficult at the time to sort out fact from fiction. I ended it for my own sanity and it is very difficult to not dwell on the fact that I was vulnerable and stupid.
Love is a verb!
In my opinion true love is unconditional, Simple, but not simple to narcissists. Love is inherently a gift, and gifts are not given with a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude or only when it benefits me me me. It’s not quid pro quo. As Thich Nhat Hanh would say: “love in such a way that the person you love feels free” or “If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love”.
hi,
i have only recently discovered your channel and it is immensely informative and helpful. thank you v much for this.
if possible could you please make a video about the factors on which receiving inheritance from wealthy npd parents depends on, if both the children go no contact.
also, is it unwise to be in therapy, realise all the abuse, give up the need for love or attention from them, draw a boundary but still have low contact instead of no contact, just for financial assistance from npd parents?
thanks again for the wonderful content.
Only a GOOD TIME. He love-bombed me, proposed within 2 weeks of knowing me, showered me with gifts, attention, time and energy....if I needed ANYTHING he would go and get it! HE DID!!! But the day we were at my father's grave and I was bawling, tears and snot rolling down my face, he not only didn't hug me, but didn't even offer a tissue. And I knew then there was no Love. IT was only theatrics.
Excellent thanks very much 👍😍💖
They don't love,they use.there is no such thing is selfish love.real love don't do all that!
did he love me? He kept failing me and I kept making excuses for him. our relationship changed when I lost my father and he was unable to support me through this terrible ordeal. our couple never recovered because I no longer had the strength to manage my relationship with him while continuing to serve as his personal coach. he never forgave me.... hahaha! how stupid this man really is! I bet he actually cries every day because I’m gone.
I realized that what he loved and appreciated a lot about me was the unique way I viewed him and envisioned his inner potential. No one supported him as much as I did at the beginning of our relationship. His dysfunctional family was terribly critical of each of his members, and this was the first time he had received words of encouragement and recognition of his merits.
it’s the only thing he saw in me. I had proof of that when our relationship broke down. I decided to sleep in the guest room, it didn’t bother him. I stopped cooking for him, it didn’t bother him. But the day I ignored him insultingly in a conversation with two workers I wanted to hire (and he did not - as always), he broke up.
I asked myself for quite a long time if he ever loved me, and the answer I came up with was no. or yes but only like a very comfortable couch. who I am and what I want was never his concern.
My ex took one look at my thumb that was turning black, grabbed his phone to take a pic of it and said, well I've got to get to work and left. I drove myself to the emergency room and was hospitalized for a badly infected thumb that I almost lost. Yeah, that was just one example of the many similar experiences in a loveless marriage.
Totally true!!! And I speak from experience!
To love is to witness beauty
To hate is to witness ugliness
Love your videos Darren. Would be interested in your view on a overt narcissist (wife) having a very strong dislike possibly hate for men (all) Spent 14 yrs together. Cheers.
Thumbs up if you love Darren 👍
one wrote me a full love letter then acted like it didnt matter then it turned to full out angry rage some bipolar going on there too or what doc ?
He has borderline personality split & is an impulsive narcissist. Scary with he turns into a monster and so abusive.
This video is 100% right.my husband narc. is good at it
They don't love, they are just temporarily obsessed and then they're bored and need that buzz again. And obviously we are to blame cos they don't feel that fizzle anymore. I've said before they're like kids opening Xmas presents, they get bored of the new toy in time.
They only love themselves. Copy your personality so you fall in love with your own personality. You just served these persons without any return. In the end I asked what is your view of our relationship (and feelings) the answer was just empty because she was the first to announce so not able to copy my definition 😉. I smiled and sad goodby and wish here luck in life but my services closed😆
My short answer to the title: No. Mine I would put on a 5-6 spectrum...no matter what, he is his biggest and only love. Give and take? He takes as much as he can.
Do they sometimes prefer animals.because they can be controlled easier than people or maybe it's just triangulation.
Don't actually know how to love or accept themselves. Not able to truly love you.. Its all a show.. All about filling the black hole of their messed up EVIL soul!
... as a German Biologist
“Love” is so abused as a word...
Abusers abuse it the most...
there is the predator
catching prey and declare absolute ownership
there are born slaves
no identity
who do not sense Slavery
so they get abused
and assume
that is the way..
The concept of “Love” is based on Symmetry
not ownership
Maybe in the bigging until they have you! Then no