Common Ego ...I think my friend is. How do you know you are in a friendship with a narcissist, do they do the same cycle as a narcissist would do in a romantic relationship? She ghosted me without an explanation. Blocks me on her cell phone but continues to follow me on social media. After 3 months, I reached out asking what happened and she said she didn’t like who she became around me and she wants out of “my show”. I don’t even understand what that means. She didn’t know anyone a year ago because she was new in town and now she ghosted me but would invite my friends that I introduce her to, to go do things without me.
@@justchat1667 Narcissism (especially covert) is so difficult to diagnose, even for experts. So you may never know for sure, but you can evaluate their behavior and come to a conclusion for yourself. Ultimately, if they're abusive, it's time to distance yourself. And for what it's worth, I've known a covert narcissist who acted EXACTLY the same way you're describing to another friend. The friend introduced her to everyone and the narcissist soon turned everyone against her... and not one person had a good reason for their venom. They couldn't even explain why they suddenly hated the victim. They just did.
I happened to stumble on your video and its spot on from what i learnt from experience. The few things i felt you always know deep down you cant trust them that they are envious of you. Second is the withholding of attention used as a control mechanism by very subtle acts and the moment you again have something that they want from you suddenly you are their favorite again. I have 2 covert narc friends one has been for years and only few months ago i did finally see it and that friendship has ended. The other one is still around but i am very careful. Its always a drain to manage these relationships. Funny thing is these are very interesting people who tend to validate some of your experiences to have control over you, you mistake it for true empathy but in reality it is a way to get in your inner circle. They do not show up when you truly need true empathy or support or help.
I respectfully disagree. In my experiences one can never have a "true" friendship with a covert narcissist. I have always found that if you give them an inch they will take a mile. They are incapable of valuing friendship unless you can give them something they desire, want & or need.
No way I would remain friends with a covert narcissist. I have had a few of these types of "friends," and I ended up severing ties with each of them. Selfishness, jealousy, sabotage, and competition have no place in a friendship. These are highly toxic people who are sneaky and fake. When I notice that a person trying to enter my life has traits like these, they are out the door.
Ive been friends w one the past 3 yrs over the phone only, and it feels like a psychic vampire draining your energy. She absolutely cannot handle one iota of critisism.
@@dyanswill I stopped listening to the hour long messages left on my answering machine, sometimes as many as twenty in a 24 hour period. ...& then i learned to hang up the phone. Then, i just couldn't do it anymore.
@@angaeltartarrose6484 I was getting fed up of the chains and chains of text messages tryin to bring me down for things tht didn't even happen!! just bcoz i didn't like her smoking in my company! so block!
You can have a covert narcissist friend for a long time without realizing it. In the beginning, when you are very young and have never heard of narcissism, you can begin a friendship that seems to be all you would look for in a perfect sibling relationship. In fact, if you have a narcissistic sibling, you may seek out this frienship to replace the less than appealing sibling relationship you were born into. There can be quite a lot of excuses made for random strange,unpleasant and mysterious behavior. The incidents have such a big gap of time between them you don't remember them or recognize a pattern. Then one day when you are much older and start learning about your narcissist parent, sibling, business partner,spouse a surprising little buzz of recognition goes off in your head. Wait a minute!!! So and so is a covert narcissist, and all the strange and random incidents of the look at start to make sense and your heart sinks.
Exactly what happened to me…. I realized after a few decades that 3 of my close female friendships were indeed covert narcs….also have 2 narc siblings so was programmed from the start ….thanks to lockdown I extricated myself from these connections to honor & protect myself ♥️🤍
This is so true. And it hurts me so much that my bestfriend (ever since i was born PLS) is a covert narcissist. I hope there is a chance when I can heal her.
I supposed you CAN be friends with a covert narcissist but the real question is WHY? It Honestly, it seems like a lot of work when friendship should a be source of joy.
AMEN.......I never understood people who continue to stay in a ONE SIDED relationship with a FRENEMY who only drains them of their pOsiTiVe energy and robs them of their pEaCe!
Absolutely not worth it! They are way too prone to envy... they will nibble away at your life and don’t have the capacity to be happy for you ... have friends you can be honest with instead and who are honest with you :)
Very true!! But, unfortunately, so many people don't even know their friends are narcissists... especially the covert type. And as long as they're at arm's length, it probably won't impact your life. But bottom line: don't let a narcissist close enough to hurt you - because they will.
they’ll find out eventually... pseudo intimacy and a lack of empathy do not a true friendship make.. yeah so long as you stay away from them and their egg shells it’s all good . they also show you where your boundaries need a little bolstering so that’s good I guess.
@@honoryourself2098 Yes!! I'd love the lessons without the pain that narcissists cause, but they do shine a light on the things we need to see, don't they?
Do they ever say please, thank you or how are you? Do they ever pay for anything? Does every conversation steer back to them? Do they disappear when something better comes along? If any of this sounds familiar, get them the hell out of your life. No matter what the relationship type is. They’re human garbage.
no i disagree They are not even human garbage they are lower than the last shit you tske when you die. They are not human theure not even like animals. They are completely useless ro anyone they are pathetoc bryond the biggest loser out there. Theyre so useless they camt eben feel happy good or anything nice without screwing ppl over ... They are boring and delusuonal. They have no real self sp ejat do they offer.... Wow some beginning sparkles thry learned from tv amd the attack on ppl they know r better than them. Imagine everyday u wake up hsting urself ur life and u constantly need to get valisated but it makes u feel weal so u do ot by playing games. U wake up and all day whenever u r not alone u r wearing the suitable mask for the suitable person. U work all ur life fucking everyone who loves u over and chase the money status and power only to go home and srill be u amd feel the way u do. U live to impress ppl so that u dont kill urself cos if u had to stop this u would kill urself. An empty shell with nothing to offer anyone. Nothing true or real or that matters. Its a terrible life .... But They are here for a reason...God makes the bad work for Him. I believe that they are here to wake people and unknowingly force them to become who they are meant to ...
Take your friends away if possible. Become 'better friends' with them than you are. "Your friends like me better than you." Who wants someone in their life who would even say such a thing to anyone!?
Angael Tartar Rose mine had her equally crazy sister sleep with a man I wasn't getting with because my friend and her sister hated him. I was assaulted within a week of that happening from a neighbor they were both talking to. That was the trauma and from that point on every man I tried to date she scared off while literally picking the underbelly of men to set me up with. Last one walked up and put his hand down my shirt while she was introducing us. If we went into a bar and in general conversation to a group of people she would tell women I was picking up on their boyfriend. She was always trying to get me into the sex stuff she did or be like her. This was a hard situation on me but thankfully I realized the only way I was going to have a life was to move and I did. Some people spend their whole life under that control.
Your intuition will always tell you. Trust your instincts. I remember all the strange sensations I had about this"friend" who gradually showed her true colors. She was full of envy, selfishness, and all traits of a covert narcissist. I learned they are incapable of loving themselves therefore they can't Love others. They can't be trusted cause of their tendency to judge and criticize others therefore will likely spread gossip. Could you call this friendship? No way! I guess the best is to stay away.
Exactly! I had this friend for a very long time but just recently I noticed something off with her by her behavior towards me and our friends, when I figured it out I was astonished by the amount of red flags I had been ignoring for her being a old friend she even come to date a boy who I was interested at the time in high school after I reveal my feelings for him. This was just the tip of the iceberg that I wasn't seeing.
In the past I had a few narc friends, but there is always an end point to the friendship. The tricky part is not to hold on to the good times with them, the moment they start to abuse you. There's no turning back.
@@davidslagmulder2423 yes, that sounds about right. Also I guess it is important to remember that there are actual narcissists and people with a few or more (or stronger) narcissistic traits than the average. The latter might be more manageable in a friendship!
But if you were effected by a covert narcissistic parent(s), you will not know how to trust your own instincts. I was taught to doubt my very existence so I became a Co-depender to everyone in my life. God helped me to discover this truth, and now at 51 yrs old it all makes sense. I'm not crazy!!
Agreed. They are very envious people. Their covert ways become overt when they are drunk. That's the best way to find out if your friend is a covert narcissist. When sober they will pertend it never happened; just stay quiet. They are the biggest of hypocrites and when you call them on their bs will bring up the most irrelevant old situation. Cut them off before it costs you your life..
I recently found out my close friend is a covert narcissist. She would mimic my personality and only I would see it. I used to distance myself from her cuz I used to feel drained by her. It was getting really difficult until our other friend who we kind of severed ties with cuz of the covert narcissist friend. She came to me and my other friend and told us the main person who has been draining all of our energy and broken our friendships . I started to remember that one day when I confronted my narcissist friend about her mood swings and her giving me attitude, she said it was because her parents compared her to me and said she hated me for it. Me being dumb i dismissed it cuz she is known to be weird and say weird things. I told her what’s there to be upset about, your parents don’t even know me. All theses things came in our head and now I feel like I was scammed. Plus, i found out that she has been talking shit about me to my other friends when she acting like she is the only one in my life. She tells us to give her attention all the time smh. Never be friends with covert narcissist they will drain you so much.
I had a “frenemy” that was a narcissist. She left me scratching my head every single time I saw her. Which was nearly every day for ten years. She was an in-law. She constantly put me down in front of people. But she always made it seem like she was too dingy to realize she was belittling me. In reality, she was very smart. I tried to figure out if she was doing it on purpose for the longest time. When I told her how she made me feel, it only fueled her to keep doing it. Every time I thought I would give her another chance, she did something even worse.
That's not a friend you're describing, it's an unpleasant companion! You're describing having to walk on eggshells and not being able to relax and be true to yourself. Nightmare!
This was my best friend from ages 5-24. I made the mistake of trying to go back and it made things worse. She tried to interfere in my marriage. I thought if I just kept her at a distance maybe we could still be friends. We always have so much fun together, I thought my mistake was just getting too close. We grew up together and were like sisters, but I thought maybe we could just have a clean slate and move forward with a less involved kind of friendship. Big mistake. All that did was invite her to abuse me some more. I couldn't understand why she always does these things to me when I was nothing but a great friend to her, but videos like this help me so much. Her family was very emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I was there to witness it. I would always give her slack because I knew how bad she had it. Now I've come to realize that abuse scarred her permanently and this is why she sought to destroy me while still wanting me around at the same time (for supply). I'm still trying to come to terms with all the scars our friendship gave me. Part of me is still so angry at her for everything. I want to forgive her, I thought I had until all the old wounds were reopened 2 years ago. I should have known better than to go back, but I was going through a vulnerable time in my life at that point and I missed having her to talk to. *sorry for the rant
Please don't shame yourself for going back. Most of us do. I was completely discarded and I asked to meet after four months. 🤦🏼♀️ Definitely made things worse, set back my healing, but it also showed me I wasn't the problem.
been there. Yes, it's hard especially when you want to talk to someone. They help but ultimately make you feel worse. Some wounded, not all are narcs (I hope) are not nice. They want to put out your light, they hate it. I had a friend who would read my voice at times and say you sound good today. Kind of creepy.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that for so many years. I did the same thing. Unfortunately, it does become addictive. When you’re honestly giving a friendship your all, and they’re making you work to earn it, that cycle becomes something we think we need. Fortunately there are other people who have been through the same things that we can talk to.
So enlightening. Best girlfriend of 3 years. Saw her everyday. She lives across the street. The ONE time I told her that I was angry and hurt about something she did: 1. Silent treatment I texted saying I wanted to talk it through. 2. Silent treatment After two months I wrote her a letter. 3. Silent treatment. Three months later I got an email saying she had my house key and I had hers but she didn’t want to engage. She said: “it’s best to leave this in the past” On the surface she seems like a perfectly friendly, cheerful person. But she was very insecure. Had very abusive relationships in the past. I realized I never met ONE other friend of hers in 3 years. All social activity with other people was with my friends. She has a high powered corporate job. Was never wrong. Could not ever take accountability with her work woes or relationship stuff (but I sure absorbed it and tried to help her feel better) Yet she could never see how she enabled the “abuse” and stayed in those relationships willingly. I did point it out once via tough love. (probably a mistake) Pretends to be modest but is actually rather arrogant. I don’t know if she’s a covert narc cause Im not a doctor but this was initially heartbreaking for me. Now I’m glad to leave toxicity behind.
I have ended four friendships with narcissists. Each friendship was long - and I don't know why it took my so long to bail from the relationships. But I did!
My two best and longest friendships were with coverts. I never noticed because I was busy working and doing life. I noticed when I retired and started taking better care of myself mentally and physically. I asked both of them on separate occasions for empathy and neither could do it. Then I started to notice all the other things that were off about them... Needless to say it wasn't long before I'd had enough. This was so hard because I had known them most of my life. Also in a side note, they can't hurt you after the fact if you don't care 😘
My ex best friend from childhood is a covert narc, She would try to find out everything that bothered me just to try to weaponise it against me. Throw shady remarks at me in conversations in the sweetest voice and pretend that I was being over sensitive when I pulled her on it. She would be super jealous of any family occasion I had. She would hate me having other friends and tried to isolate me. When I didn’t follow her commands such as answering the phone at the middle of the night she went into a narc rage and I blocked her
I think you can´t be true friends with a covert narc. I went through the same cycle as someone who would be in a romantic relationship: love bombing, devaluation, discard. They can love bomb you also as "friends" by telling you that you are their "best friends" without even knowing you properly. I got love bombed, then this person trespassed boundaries, after defending my boundaries there we went directly into the devaluation phase with a lot of passive aggressive behavior: mainly silent treatment, ghosting and just pulling away from me, giving me the feeling that I´m not important anymore. I discarded this person before he could discard me, because I knew something was off here and I felt that he will discard me sooner or later.
There's someone who keeps telling me I'm their friend but every time I see them they are always in a hurry to do "something". I don't mind, I have other people in my life but it feels like she just wants power over me. So, I've decided to play her game and always be very, very busy myself and when she tells me how much she appreciates me and our "friendship" I'll just thank her and be on my way. Great video, thankyou for posting this.
Raised by a narcissist mother - had a best friend for many years who was also a narcissist and did not know. I was always happy to let her have the spotlight. She was very dramatic, but fun. All went south when I lost some weight. She had a Valentine's day dinner party, and a gay couple raved over my new figure in a hot pink dress, and she just lost it. She couldn't stand not being the centre of attention. She ghosted me without explanation -I was initially very hurt and confused to be dumped. It was so weird, as I did not put it all the pieces together until many years later, when I realized my mother was a narcissist and so was she. By the way - I love your channel - very validating. Would love to hear more about narcissistic mothers and how their daughters can cope.
Yes. It took 3 1/2 years for me to realize what was happening. When I did I finally had the courage to tell her the truth and end our “friendship”. By then I was emotionally exhausted and finally realized I needed to forgive her for the way she had treated me. Only then did I find peace. I will be more careful in the future.
I've had a 'so-called' friend for over 10 years and only realised this year that they are a covert. Luckily, I have remained relatively distant in sharing info but have shared thoughts and feelings. I've noted objectionable attitudes and actions in my 'so-called' over the years but not organised my thoughts about all these little events. This year, a big life event happened for my 'so-called' and I was subjected to the most audacious verbal tirade imaginable. It is only because I have been coming to terms with the disaster that was a relationship with a grandiose narcissist that I look periodically at new info or relevant videos. Whoa! I hadn't accounted for having a covert in my current circle and one who's been in it so long. What an awakening I've had!
and I noticed narc aunt didn't pick on the already wounded, they were no fun. Only the ones who were happy and living a good life-then they are a thorn in the side.
I didn’t realise until the fallout I was friends with a covert narcissist, I approached them about something underhanded I had heard they were doing to a co worker. I had previously dated a malignant narcissist, so although something always seemed off about this friend I didn’t put two and two together until the fallout. It was then I got to experience the discard and smear campaign from this covert. I worked back from there and unravelled our entire friendship. It really took me by surprise. I didn’t think I would ever have another narcissist in my life. To be honest knowing they are the ones that are broken doesn’t make the situation any better.
My narc friend told her narc mother everything I said to her. She once said we discussed you were to nice for that type of job and meaning they were not. They relish in their not having empathy.
If your "friend" is constantly one upping you or claiming to but really they're only lying to make themselves feel or look good, just walk on from that relationship. It's exhausting and not worth it.
Yes I had someone who I thought was my best friend and she is definitely a covert narcissist, she used everything I told her against me and recreated my childhood wounds.. she also seemed to derive pleasure from causing me pain and seeing how I would react when she discarded me.
Yep passive aggressive and a one upper. Subtle digs etc. Always trying to be a social justice warrior, but to no avail because it's coming from bitterness. They use everything sacred to hurt you. They want you to join in on drama and put you in very awful situations. I could go on and on.
I disagree on this topic. You can't be friends with a covert narcissist. You tell all the risks. They will take advantage of you and before you know you are the 'talk of the town'. I let this ride passing me by regarding friendships with (covert) narcissists.
I'm kind of on the fence with this one. My covert narcissist was my best friend. I saw a huge difference in how she treated me (her target) and how she treated her other friends. If any of them had gotten as close to her as I was, she would have turned on them the same way but since they kept their distance they didn't get the same treatment. At least not to their faces. She would do subtle things behind their backs, mostly by talking bad about them to me, but it was rarely enough for them to even notice what she was doing. I guess in reality she wasn't really their friend, but they didn't know that. I wanted to tell them so badly the things she was saying about them to me because they were awful, but I met them through her and I didn't want to rock the boat.
@@AmbyJeans be happy that you decided to end this friendship. My covert narcissist ex partner told me all her (mutual) friends left her after she divorced from her husband. She played the victim card, because after putting the puzzle pieces together she had no real (close) friends and relatives. It was all part of her lies and cheating. So sad to be this way.
Yes, i came to realize that i was dealing with a covert narcassist friend when i started to let her know her truth about how she was treating the friendship. Right off the bat, she attacked with name calling and insults then saying i had mental issues.
My ex is a cover narcissist. One minute after the brutal discard, she told me she want to stay friends. So, within one minute she was really a devil with fire out of her eyes, and very friendly to want me as a friend. After i knew everything about her disorder, i invited her for a little talk to see if it was possible to get friends. During this meeting, she devaluated me very sneaky again and again. After this meeting with her i went on no-contact. Everything blocked, except my adress unfortenly.
Two years into a friendship, everything changed abruptly when in retrospect I caused an injury. I’m really into the concept of “sisterhood” and women supporting and uplifting each other. She was in “total” agreement I thought and echoed my sentiments on “mean girls” so two years in, she lived with her male cousin for free for almost a year and a half. She found out that he had a new girlfriend and feared she was getting pushed out of the apartment. She went into a rage, in a voice I never heard before calling this new woman a B and a W and an S. I was like whoa…hey, you don’t even know this woman, I’m sure she’s nice and aren’t you happy yr cousin found love? She apologized the next day, but there was something off about it. A few days later, we attended a party and she turned on me, with the help of another woman and ridiculed and belittled me in front of everyone. I actually got up and left without saying a word. The next day I offered an apology, that I must’ve offended them, but I didn’t know what I had done or said. She replied, thanks for reaching out, we’ll talk soon….she didn’t contact me until 8 months later, but she did post passive aggressive things about “sisterhood” on fb seemingly to provoke me. So after 8 months she came back, and I asked what I had done at the party, her answer? I had picked up a slug in the backyard and let it crawl on my hand. So I said, if playing with a slug can ruin a friendship, then it wasn’t much of a friendship. She then went into a tirade that I wasn’t taking accountability lol what is scary is that I was unaware for two years, but when she flipped, she flipped fast.
I stopped talking to a friend recently because I noticed that she only reached out when she needed something. And when I tried to help her emotionally, she would say something mean about me being poorer than her to control the situation. When someone always makes you feel shitty or worse off than them, it’s probably not the best friend. ❤️
I have tried really really hard to be friends with this person. I really like him, but find myself questioning what it is that I am gaining from this "friendship "? I met him when he was going through a horrible divorce and I felt compassion for him and all that he was experiencing. I was there for him day after day, listening, caring, praying, and offering support and advice for over a year. Conversations were NEVER about me. Not so much as a "how are you doing?" At one point I was ghosted for several months and somehow took the blame going back and trying to reestablish the "friendship " with a sincere apology. The past 6 weeks have been more of the same. Unanswered texts and a coldness even when I mentioned some serious problems in my life. I miss the person I THOUGHT I was becoming friends with in the beginning, but am learning that what I miss is an illusion. :(
Yes I have. My “best friend” which I now know was just a relationship of convenience for her. Unfortunately, your last rule of thumb answered my question, which is that I should never be friends with her again. Sad. Thanks for this video. You speak the truth.
Very helpful video. My covert narcisisist friend used to give me the silent treatment. I blocked him on social media and their phone number after the last time. I bet he's smearing my name if he wasn't already during the friendship. The block infuriated him I'm sure, but that was done for me. #nocontact
I thought i met a true friend twice. The first one tried to abuse me mentally for a while. Gaslight my reality. Until, one day, i decided not to entertain him anymore. I was drained, enotionally extremely tired. Recently I've been talking to a friend who needed help. I was there for her until I pointed out she needed to be there. When she makes an appointment with me, just be there. She stated: I am so overwhelmed with problems and I can't handle extra drama from you. I might as well jump off a bridge. I recognized this toxic behavior and I decided to respond with: take care of yourself and whenever you are ready, you know where to find me. I didn't address the jumping of a bridge because it is a manipulation tactic. Something I've learned from the first narc. Just wowww...how incredible is the strength an empath needs to overcome these types of relationships...sigh...I've got this, though and so does anyone else!!!
This hits so close to home. I meet this person who I thought was really nice. Seemed to be there for me. Let me stay at thier place when I had a concussion. I thought they really cared for me. So when I saw a need that I could help them out with, it was a no brainer for me. However, as time went on, they took adventage of me. Which I didn't see until someone from the outside looking in saw her for what she was and called her out on how she was treated me. I knew nothing about the talk between the two of them until the person who confronted my "friend" told me about what she said. From there things started to go down hill. As I was struggling with depression my "friend" took that opportunity to use that by calling me "sick". Which she had no idea about depression. She started to treat me very badly and did some hurtful things. Thankful the person who confronted my "friend" helped me get away from my so called "friend". Sadly I'm still hurting for all that happened. I think i understand that this "friendship" will never be repaired, but it makes me sad as I really can see who she could be way deep inside.
24 yr friendship.. Christian and my mentor. I didn't see it until the yrs went buy.. she grew so indifferent towards me . I'd always been a heavier with having babies, didn't take if off for years. When I accidentally lost weight from poor health , grieving ect. She was jealous 🤦🏼♀️.. wth I thought. I had stayed with her in California when I went down for my dads funeral. This , is when I'd start seeing a different person than I had ever seen.. it hurt really bad to learn she wasn't more mature and she became more bitter. I would go to learn more about the bible and get excited finding things and she'd always say oh I don't know about that Dela hmmmm..by this time I'd been a believer a long enough time and learning things on my own time. I became a challenge and competition. Just hurt so bad and this started over her pain over rejection from a man. All to common this happens . Like jezzabel.
I'm sorry you went throught all of that, hopefully now you are doing much better, and even though it was painful, and left its mark, now you are more aware. May God bless you a lot!
One of the things I noticed that alerted me is the passive aggressive or nice nasty comments. And also they don't reciprocate kindness. I've even noticed how they morph into different people when talking or interacting depending on the person. Especially if that person is a potential or ongoing target of supply.
Took my friend out for her 50th birthday to a nice restaurant… she never said thank you and brutally criticized/judged my partner when I called her a week later, puzzled . She Called him names and tried to undermine our relationship. Called me names for being w him. Never knew anyone could be that victimized when someone took them out. It was a NICE restaurant! There are many more rotten details. Vulnerable Narcissists are always victims, lack emotional empathy (altho they manipulate others w their cognitive empathy) they are obnoxiously entitled, they attempt to manipulate and control you. Just WOW… she said she had to drink those 5 whiskey sours she ordered just to be able to get through dinner… it was never more obvious, your entitlement, your ingratitude, your toxic manipulation and control attempts. Take your victimhood and your contempt and go back under a rock. YOU are discarded. Thanks… had to vent
They can be fun, but in the end you cannot flourish & be your true self with these people….speaking from decades of experience with female covert friendships
Yeah. I have a friend, or rather an ex friend, who's a covert narcissist. I've known that she is one for a long time and I thought I was playing it safe. I kept enough distance and boundaries so that she couldn't abuse me financially (oh yeah, she tried!). I didn't really expect much from her as a friend, but continued the friendship because she could be fun, and she was a kind of special friend for me, I felt that on some levels she understood me better than anyone else. Now I realise that it was exactly what narcissists do. I did see that she was all of a sudden a very different person on those rare occasions when we were around other people. I could sense there was something very off. But I thought I played it safe. And although I'm sure it protected me from getting badly bruised, I still got a bit bruised. Because we normal people invest emotions, no matter how hard we try not to. And for the narcissist you're either useful or useless. She even said that about other people in her life, that they were useless - she used to say it in her kind of gentle way, as if she was deeply hurt by their uselessness. And one time when I had to reinforce my boundaries, she realised I was useless too. That she couldn't use me. So I ceased to exist for her. Even though I didn't expect much from that friendship, even though I knew she was emotionally unreliable, it still hurt.
The one question to ask a narc to determine if they are one........"IN WHAT WAYS DO YOU THINK YOU NEED TO GROW OR CHANGE"?..Their answer will range from bewilderment to rage. Narcs think they are perfect and dont need to change.
Most covert narcissists remain undiscovered by the majority of people. They are the people you invite to your cottage every year, you sit beside at work, your sibling, your close friend ...
I'm sorry but everything you said about a friendship with a narcissist says to me that you really cant be friends with these kinds of people. At least not real friends in the sincere sense of the word. Narcissist, for the most part are acquaintances and not to be let in close. I'm not saying to treat them inhumane but I am saying if you get a sense of something off about the person whether romantic or friend, tread carefully and definitely dont let them in. Just my opinion and we all have one.
I’m currently being punished by a friend who I think is a covert narcissist. I couldn’t figure out why she’s so hot and cold with me. Then I found out she’s talking to everyone about me behind my back. She never says sorry, she never compliments me even though I do so to her. She hates all of her friend’s partners including mine. She tried to convince me to divorce my husband and created a huge drama between us. Now she rolls her eyes and me or shakes her head like I’m an idiot. I’ve been contemplating letting the friendship die but she weaseled her way into my workplace so now she’s unavoidable 🙄
Thank you for your videos. I just blocked one. Not sure what type of narcissist but I do know I had no idea this happened in friendship. Thankful I know red flags, but this lady took the cake. Called incessantly day and night, texted all hours, gossiping, bad mouth her friends, her patient, she is a live in nurse, critical of my decisions, my friends whom she didn't know, which I didn't allow her to put me down or get away with this. Wanted to maybe move to my state if her job fell through to split expenses, I declined, sent me groceries, clothes while recovering eye surgery. I begged her to stop. Didn't feel comfortable and I knew she did this to make me become indebted to her in future, not happening! Had bizarre delusional ideation, people tapped her phone, hidden cameras, this list goes on. She tried to get me to believe they were after me and after 4 weeks of me listening to this, I told her no more. I value my peace. Have not heard from her since then and I blocked her. Crazy 4 weeks! Thanks for listening. God Bless!
It's possible unless he/she is a sociopath.Of course we are talking about fair weather friends to pass jolly time together not best friends.They may be entertaining, articulate even inspiring (there are a lot of losers among coverts but some of them catch up with life ).Don't be too close. My personal narc hijacked my my circle many years ago. I introduced him there and after our break-up I had to give up socialising with them. He was quite a success , nobody seemed to miss me :-) Still , expecting such a course of events I had built up my own circle not missing them very much either.
Yep covert narcs will be extremely nice, charming, and funny. They will and lure all your friends and family into their world of illusion. I had to cut my own family off
Oh yes, mine hijacked a group of friends, but lucky for me they weren't all that great of a group to begin with. In the long run she did me a favor. I found her to be very charming, but she wasn't that successful at making others see her that way. Even the group she isolated me from doesn't even really like her like that, they're just friends with her boyfriend.
I had a relatively close friend throughout all of middle & high school (8 years) but something always felt off about her. Only after this "friendship" ended and through this channel I was relatively sure it was covert narcissism rcissism (not a psychologist, just saying everything making a bit more sense now)... Well there were always these feelings of entitlement, of course, as in feeling entitled to know every little bit of information about me (a lack of compliance would end in a hissy fit). Every available minute between school periods had to be spent with her, smear campaigns regarding me or other people, etc. and the emotional maturity, self-centeredness and morality of a toddler, just worse. So as arguments and acts of devaluation became more frequent and worse at the end of last year, the friendship broke off at the end of last year, it was quite messy and who discarded who was unclear, contact was reduced for a few weeks and I was glad I wouldn't have do put up with her anymore, except for school work. Then she made a hoover attempt, probably because almost all of her friends had left her over the years and she was seeking out supply, so I was certain she'd make the last months as bad as she could if she was to be rejected 😪 so for sanity's sake, I initially accepted but kept her at a distance, spending less time together but conversing in a friendly manner worked out well enough, it obviously irritated her and she even tried a last gaslighting attempt, which failed, but she was aware that now she had less room for devaluation and drama since she was short on supply. Due to that, I probably wasn't too interesting as supply anymore and now it's probably either her boyfriend or someone entirety else who'll be used. I assume the day it all ended she was going to discard me (in hindsight, it fits these narcissistic traits), but enough was enough and didn't care for the damage anymore so cutting it short, telling her that the friendship was really toxic and that is wasn't working out, I blocked her, went no contact and that was it. An important factor to this was also the pandemic, not saying it's a good thing but since school closed it saved everyone involved a month of more craziness, so that was very helpful. I'm sorry this comment is so long but I wanted to get it off my chest and to say 'Thank you, Christina! ❤' for spreading awareness about narcissism and help with recovery, you're doing a great job!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING! I'M PRETTY SURE MY BEST FRIEND IS A COVERT NARCISSIST. I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. BUT ALL THE RED FLAGS ARE THERE, AND I CAN'T IGNORE THEM ANYMORE. SHE EXAUSTS ME.
I’ve realized recently that one of my friends is very likely a covert narc. She never listens to anything I say but dumps her problems on me and expects me to listen and to be there for her. She goes through cycles of friends. Talks poorly about all of them and has on and off friendships and relationships. I was recently discarded for asking why she tells me to have a good day through texts but proceeds to bombards me with messages on a different platform. I thought this was odd. It’s like ohhh I’m so busy have a good day through texts but will message on instagram, Facebook... you get it. And they are not short messages. They are long convos. I also get tagged in 20 posts and often would wake up to 10-20 texts. But our friendship was done the moment I questioned her. I should add that I am in a new relationship and it feels like she’s been acting different since I told her about it.
Bushra S sorry to hear you are dealing with the same. I hope you stay away from that toxic person. Mine sent a happy thanksgiving/birthday text after basically telling me to fuck off 2 weeks ago. The nerve
I agree with @inquieteable, block indefinitely. @Nubia Jeffries, you said "Talks poorly about all of them and has on and off friendships and relationships". There is a saying that goes like this: "Those who gossip to you will gossip about you". The covert narc I knew did the same, talked behind peoples' backs and spread rumours and distrust. A really toxic person. The sad reality is they love chaos and drama, because it's the kind of atmosphere in which they feel they have control. When things are chaotic/dramatic they can draw attention to themselves and they can also play their favorite roles of either hero or victim, even though it is THEY who are creating the chaos. That toxic person is now out of my life and I do not regret it the least. I am feeling much better.
This is very similar to my ex best friend she constantly had problems and I was always there for her. She’d disappear of uni breaks and not message me at all. And when we would plan to hangout she cancel last minute because she’s was feeling super depressed. I just took it as she was dealing with a lot. However once I got a boyfriend she started saying I was abandoning her. And when we were having troubles I went to her like a friend does but she told me I’m not your therapist. I noticed she started saying nasty remarks about me and found out she was talking shit and when I confronted her she blamed me for everything. We eventually apologised to each other but then a few days later she blocked me
Ah...narcissistic injury...yep that explains our last fight so much. She did apologise afterwards...a few days later and lament that it was something she only did to people that she was close to...namely her husband, and me.
I realized one of my best friends of 30 yrs was a Narcissist. As I learned more about it (3+years now) he started checking more boxes, until finally I couldn't deny it. 1 sided friendship, questionable gaps in relationship (ghosting) if I didn't reach out it would have died years ago. I just finally cut the cord and let it go, he wasn't worried about me why should I be worried about him.
I was fooled by a covert narcissist neighbor because I fell for her sob story about her malignant narcissistic soon to be ex-husband. She hit me with her ongoing drama very early on in fact from our first conversation. Her pity ploy worked and very soon I was attached to her and her little boy and treating her like she was a family member and providing her with free child care and I was trying to rescue her from all her problems. Fast forward to four years later and when I had an emotional crisis with my clinically diagnosed BPD/malignant narcissist adult son; she was judgmental, critical, dismissive, and a real jerk towards me. Her false persona is that of an emotionally struggling, nice, single Mom but she is really a wolf in sheep's clothing. She stopped her therapy I believe because she did not want to be found out for whom she really is. She will manipulate and take advantage of nice people. I am glad that I am no longer fooled by this person. I am also glad that she moved from my building two years ago. Her communication with me since the pandemic has been intermittent because I cannot do for her anymore so I am not of use to her. Narcissists only think of themselves and that is for sure. You are only as good to them as what you can provide for them.
I have a friend who is definitely a narcissist but I know that he hadn't got many friends and I have been helpful in inspiring him to take care of himself and strive to live a more fun fill life but I am aware of his limitations and I'm keeping it cool and superficial
I had a friend that called herself an empath. Having 3 auto immunes got a job to get out of a narcs house(sister). I worked a straight week with a migraine and no sleep for 5 days and on Friday had scheduled a quick walk around the neighborhood with this friend. Instead of canceling I told her about the week I had and would spend 1/2 hour walking then sent her home and I would go to bed. She came over and always talking about being a victim and how great she is which I completely ignored. We sat on the grass for a moment where I caught myself falling over because I fell asleep. She proceeded to tell me how selfish I was and toxic. She doesn’t work and sleeps all day. Just wow. No empathy for what my week had been. Two days later she caught Covid and was mad I didn’t tend to her. You can’t make this shit up! Bye Ms. narcissist
Once you go through a few experiences, and see then for what they are, you realize you have better things to do than keep bailing them out if they refuse to fix their own situation.
I had a friend that is a covert narcissist. I thought she was my best friend. She told me I was the only friend that she could talk to yet every time she messaged me she was so condescending and belittled me. I always felt angry when she messaged me because she was always trying to start a fight with me and she used my secrets against me. It has made me have trust issues
They always have to get in at least one dig. You want to believe they are not mean but they are and they do not deserve a friend then. They are jealous of everything and compare is their middle name. They love when you are down, they call right away to hear what went wrong. but when happy they get mad.
@@analee3299 Exactly! You literally just described her. Yeah I couldn’t ever have a normal conversation without her insulting me. Ikr I thought that since she’s been my friend for years, why would she be mean to me but she was and it took me awhile to realize it unfortunately. I just kept making excuses for her bad behaviour. Yeah you’re right she doesn’t deserve any friends if she treats them badly. I agree that’s so true! Every time something good happened in my life she was bitter and tried to bring me down when I was happy. And when something bad happened she would instantly message me back and make me feel even more bad about what happened. I’m glad I cut her out of my life. I don’t need that kind of life sucking bad energy around me.
It took 5 years to figure this one out. Before I knew what was happening he had tried to take over my friends, co workers and adult kids. When we met he made himself appear like a lonely person that had no friends and suffered from depression. So feeling bad for him I tried including him on many things I had going on. He tried asking me to date him. I declined. This was the injury. He tried to make me feel bad for not dating him at first then he tried bullying me. I stood my ground. Next when he would come to my gatherings he would slide snarky comments into the conversations that was meant to be jabs toward me. After several instances I called him out on his disrespect. So he stopped and then started to turn my friends against me. Some of which told me he was trashing me behind my back while trying to sleep with my friends that he would of otherwise not have access to. When I tried to pull away and not answer my phone any more. He would just show up at my house. I found him several times outside my bedroom window. He tried to use my kids and friends to find out information about me. I'm still having trouble getting him out of my life.
Ha! Been in all friend angles and again tried everything to assist - learned a lot. Yay! The bane of my existence! Ok this is the first day of the rest of my narcissist free life. Oh wait I still have to lower the last boom on the one who thinks I’m still in relationship with him - on FB. Taking a two week no contact to gain the strength to cut the cord- and yes he was in jerk mode and said we should be friends... as if! I’m hearing jaws theme song in the back ground. 🎶🎶🎶😳😮😵😬
It was a whole family. Their oldest daughter was friends with our daughter. All the little kids were best buds. The oldest daughter showed signs of extreme covert narcissist behaviour early on but my daughter just tolerated her because she thought she had to. We just chalked it up to regular teenage narcissist behaviour that with good guidance they mature out of. When something good happened in my daughters life, there was extreme jealousy. Then she used something my daughter did in a moment of weakness to completely bash and destroy her. (A true friend would have come along side, given help and encouragement .) Everything fell apart from there, after we tried to mend the issue. And I saw the whole family turn on us. She was that way because her parents also were. They made nasty false accusations against my daughter based on their daughters stories and exaggerations. Even the dad said he saw my daughter doing such n such, and wouldn't hear her out to show it was not her. Truly hurtful, mean and overt on his part. All while ignoring their own daughters bad destructive behaviours. Including her self harm issue we were trying to expose for her goid, to get help. They spread horrible rumours about my daughter. It was awful. Then they completely blocked us from everything. It was most bizarre, went from always coming over to do stuff, to nothing. Total blackout. Now that I think of it, we are not the only people they've done this too😮 over the years...they move on from one place to the next. They were isolating us from others for their gain, until we no longer mattered. So painful. I remember thinking a year before this happened, I'd hate to be so n so's enemy. Red flag!, because of how they talked so down about so many people. But felt over our heads. Well, it caught up to us I guess. We know well enough now though, no more friendship with this family even if we see them within the church community (yep, the church). We can forgive, but certainly put up boundaries. They seem to blend in and adopt the habits of whoever they are using. It's not genuine. Covert christian narcissists. Minus the true christian part I think the empathetic, kind hearted church community is just a very effective source for them sadly.
With all of these exceptions, how could you be your authentic self? You can’t. So how could you have any level of friendship with a covert narcissist if you can’t even be yourself?
Thank you for this video. I had a friend for 5 yrs who I shared many amazing experiences. We had boundaries and kept to them...only in this way I got to know him as maybe no one else ever has. The boundaries were key. We even traveled together, filmed each other, made DVDs together. Our conversations led to me writing many books. He inspired me and challenged my creativity. I miss him because of all of this, not trauma bonds. He never hurt me, but like you said, we had distance between us. In the end I unintentionally said something that caused a narc injury and he ran. Immediately I removed myself from any contact... He was a dear friend, though on a limited basis. Why did I allow the friendship? Because I understood his strange behavior (I grew up with narc parents) and have had enough counselling to know how to deflect him. Why did he stay with me is the real question, esp because I always spoke the truth to him. Thank you for letting me share this. My story is the exception not the rule. The fact he could flip on me after all we have shared shows me that our friendship was not sustainable. Narc injury.
you are very strong! I love how you write by the way, very descriptive and I know it wasn't meant to be funny but I found myself smiling, I'm glad you saw her true colors and hopefully from now on you can find better friends!
6:35 But hows this possible if every interactions to obtain fuel why would there be a condition to maintain that friendship on any scale and wouldnt the narc have displayed abusive behavior why the ‘healthy’ person would categorize in that way?
Nope their is no being friends with a Narcissist because they don't have any real friends. My Narc ''friend'' hid who she really was in the beginning than her mask fell off. She would cut me off and over talk me while I was talking and switch the topic back to herself, Walk in front of me leaving me behind so she could be in the lead, Make back handed compliments, roll eyes at me the list goes on. When I became engaged she didn't like when people would congratulate me, tell me my ring was beautiful or ask about my wedding plans so she started wearing random rings on her ring finger even though she was not engaged all because she is Insecure, Jealous and Envious of me. Now that I am married ( June 8th 2019) She has been stalking me, stalking my friends on social media to try and befriend them she even went out and purchased her own engagement ring gave it to her boyfriend December 2019 and said surprise me before Christmas. She literally staged her own engagement because she is so insecure and Jealous. She is filled with the Jezebel Spirit nothing but the Devil! So glad she is out of my life
They do abuse their friends! I have seen this person have me as a best friend only to cut me off and have another best friend. Her best friend cycle is always a new for a bit then gone. Then…. It’s a recycle again!
Here I am. A victim many times in many forms. I spotted the covert narcissist friend because I am always generous and now I feel dirty and used. I can excuse lots of things, but this fool is 57 and has his first baby coming in January from 35 year old girlfriend. She wanted a child and to be married….he is now off running around with another woman. Am I supposed to look away? The friendship is finished. I don’t like liars.
I've never had a covert narc as a friend, however I got close to one as a romantic interest. She seemed to have a close circle of friends, who she said is regularly in contact with (on a daily basis) even when they are thousands of miles away. She was an old-fashioned girl who is one of the farthest ladies I've met from the common image of the "narcissist". Every single time she talked to me about her friends, it was usually a description about a negative trait they had, or a negative behavior, otherwise simply a neutral description. Never mentioned a single positive thing about anyone, even her few "close" friends, who she said ironically that she would get angry if someone bad mouth them. They simply view their "friends" as items, necessities they use for their livelihoods, maintaining image (in this lady's case, she seemed to consider close "friends" as a necessity for an all-round girl like herself mainly for her image, as well as utility). And, nothing more. I doubt if an organic, reciprocal, loyal friendship can exist with a cover narcissist.
Similar with me. Everyone of her friends were made out to be bad to her in some way but from what I could see they all seemed to be quite nice generous and always there for her. It was like she was trying to put me off them even though I was never anywhere near them apart from the odd hello. I soon started to realise everything was a competition to her but it became obvious that she was the very nasty stingy sneaky cheating person that she claimed everybody else was. I got sick and tired of constantly hearing degrading stories about her own friends when I started getting judged the way they were. Id leave her to cool down then she would be straight over to visit her friends b1tching about me with completely made up stories. Total nightmare. The jelousy envy and bitterness towards literally everybody was unreal. Led to alot of gaslighting. And victim acts. Obviously me and everyone else are the narcissists. Not her though ofcourse. 😒
Yes I had friendships with narcissistic friends, I had narcissistic brother, sister, father and in some ways perhaps mother with narcissistic trades. In my experience it is impossible to be a friends with them for this reasons. First, I like to have my friendship in a deeper lever than the narcissist can offer. It has to have emotions involved with it. Crying, helping, liking and loving.... Second, soon i have manifested that I will not believe their BS, nor be a push over and play their grandiose self-promoting / undercover games, they loos complete interest in me. Again, their definition of friendship is quite different if there is a definition at all. I guess, we could of been in some ways acquaintance, but even that will short live for the same shallow reasons narcissists go by with their lives. By the way, I like your approach to this subject. Thank for sharing it with the rest of us. Igor (form the Netherlands).
I did not suspect that my friend was a covert narc at all. We moved in together to save costs and the verbal abuse started from the very first morning. I come from a very abusive home (which she was aware of) and it was really a terrible experience as it was triggering the same feelings I thought I had left in the past. It was extremely confusing and I had to figure out what was going on so I turned to the internet and then discovered she is a covert narc. She is extremely passive aggressive, sarcasm is her second language and she frequently snapped and snarled, shouted and screamed at me. After I figured out it is plain old common narcissism I felt stupid for thinking its menopause and stress. I moved out and tried to move above it as I said to her that if we hadn't moved in together things would not have blown up. I made regular contact with her and it seemed fine but after 5 months I reviewed the situation and realised that I was making all the effort and even though she was pleasant enough on the phone, it was clear that I had been discarded. So I blocked her on all media and moved on. Tbh, I am still at a loss re why she asked me to co-habit if all she was going to do was treat me like that. It is very nice to be out and back in the sunshine again. I agree with your video, do not expose your vulnerabilities and just view them as bubblegum friends, then it can work.
Two of the worst people I’ve met in my life were covert narcissist friends. I wish people talked more about this dynamic. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and father so I seem to be an easy target for these people. I can’t get over how evil narcissism is. These two friends actively tried to destroy my life and threatened physical harm. I take friendships very seriously so I spend a lot of time with friends and talking with them unfortunately these two narcs used that to their advantage and I became the perfect narc supply because I used to have a hard time setting boundaries and calling people out when they’ve done something wrong or lied. They would be so confident as to lie in front of me cause they know I wouldn’t call them out. Let’s just say the fall out with both was pretty nasty cause I was a pretty submissive friend who just wanted to make them happy and feel validated. I’ve learned from it though and listen to my gut feeling straight away now. I had to have a lot of therapy to get to this point.
I LITERALLY HAD THIS ISSUE. I was very submissive and just listened to every little thing he talked about and I never mentioned any of his hypocrisies and mistreatments towards me, his mother or just to other people. I called him out on it and we blocked each other, found out later that the whole family don't like me now, took me a while to just say "good riddance". I vowed to never be in that situation ever again because it was painful to go from a cute friend to an annoying acquaintance to a literal enemy.
There are entire cultures of narcissists, they teach one another by example how to treat one another, my family is one of those examples. I am the scapegoat and the gossip has been intense and constant so I avoid all of them as much as I can. I don't share anything with family members.
I think one of my closest friends is a covert narcissit or an other type, i dont know. She is convinced that she is a highly empathetic person that wants to help other people so bad that she forgets herself (I thought it too). At first she seemed shy. But time after time she removed her mask. Fall in love with my ex (At first i thought ... well you can't control love), talked massive shit behind my back, blamed her own mistakes on me. One time i told her about a seroius romantic interest about someone we both knew for a long time and slept on the same day with him. After she told me, hysterically crying, she started to talk shit about that person she slept with and how terrible it was for her to sleep with him. On an other day, she asked me to not make myself too pretty to go out with her because she is not in the mood to dress herself up. Sometimes she used my ideas that i showed her to impress other people and claimed that they were all hers, even looks. If i spoke to her about that in private she accused me to copy her and told that other people too. I am really glad that she has a boyfriend now (Because then i am irrevelant to her, going from 100 to 0 contact) that she is happy with and that i go to therapy that helps me to set boundarys. I was a people pleaser and were diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I had to admit too that i indirect searched for the love and credits my parents did'nt offer me properly who were narcissits too. I am really glad that my therapist and i are working on that and that she helped me realized why and what ist going on. You can be friends with someone who has it yes, she has a really good sense of humor (when she did'nt make fun of others) but you have to be really careful like Common Ego said, especially when you are a people pleaser.
I recently realized my ''friend'' is covert narcissist.I did some digging and discovered he has modus operandi with ppl for years.He is parasite that will move in with you,get a job and for years is the same story-poor little him he never gets paid for work so he eats your food,ask for your clothes (expensive one),borrow money to go out (then gets pissed off you didn't give him enough money to enter the most expensive club),so passive aggressive and looks like he is lost in some imagination land listening music every waking hour.Well you can keep mask up to certain point and his mask is falling rapidly lately. I finally snapped 2 days ago (we were both drunk) and I told him everything in the face.I told him to get out of my house but he didn't and after all that mess and 3 minutes of uncomfortable silence he asks out of the blue-hey do you want us to go and fix wrinkles with injections!Unbelievable. I don't know how to get rid of that person he do knows some of my secrets and who knows if he tries to fuck up my life if I cut him off. How to get rid of him someone help?
I thought I fell in love with a woman friend that I think it's a narcissist, which I just discovered. she also has a boyfriend. She got distant after I told her I had feelings for her and probably would never admit she had a part in it too. Complex situation.
how about love bombing, but only being available when they feel like it. so loved by everyone and so loving, but feel like it's a front. I'd tell secrets but feel like I'd never get told anything super personal for her. would do a lot of unnecessary financial things or give waiters excessive tips, never realizing how vain about herself needing assurance of importance. she'd be the type to ignore you if she didn't feel like talking to you but you'd find yourself answering her calls and texts always. over the years i felt like a not very important best friend to her and had a fallout on my bday. she forgot to tell me until the morning of my birthday, after i had texted her first, that the restaurant she was gonna take me to was closed. so i obviously wasn't that important, but she came over later that night despite me telling her to just forget about dinner... and we went out. things went completely south when she brought up something that bothered her passive aggressively. it got worse from there...I had such a bad day that she became emotionally callous and unavailable on my birthday wanting to leave and not talk. she tried to punish me for making me feel bad by telling me I'm the victim and wanting to cut me off for good. we had vacation plans and she told me to suddenly make my own hotel arrangements and not be involved in my wedding. love bombing, fakeness, emotional unavailability, desire to feel important and needed, then emotionally wounded when something she did wrong was brought to light, punished me, and cut me off.
both side of my family are narcissitic, my mom and my dad are narssistic all my closest friends i had were all narcissitic. they were more overt narc though...i ended up married a covert Narc and until 3 weeks ago i had no idea it was a thing. I could see myself being friends with her, if she would manages to let go of the anger and grudges tho. I would set strict bounderies because i know she's capable of good when she wants too and despised everything she did to me for 15 years.... How i'm a super empath, i'll never understand. but i am fed up attracting theses assholes now...i feel like i attract them like shit attracts flies. so fucking annoying! i can smell them a mile away now.....going to be single for a long time i think...
Can someone address this question. I have recently realized that a painful friendship/romantic fling (over a year) was with a covert narcissist. I am now feeling and unpacking the emotional ptsd of their abuse cycle that happened with me. It has really upset me and opened horrible wounds. I am new to just discovering what this abuse is, so I have been educating myself with videos like this and support communities. In this I’m starting to see narcissist qualities in myself. Is this just over diagnosis? I mean, I’m now starting to think I’m a covert narcissist too. Anyone ever experience this?
I didn’t realize my ex was a CN until after the breakup. He did say some things in the beginning, like warning me about who he is, he was reeling from his divorce, deals with depression, saying he doesn’t have friends, ect.. And those things aren’t necessarily deal breakers... but what’s weird is that I remember thinking to myself, “is he just playing the sympathy card?” Then when we got closer, after I felt safe with him, he blindsided me and said he was seeing multiple people and basically tossed me aside. Just took advantage of my vulnerability. And then begged me to stay friends. I even tried to do it because I was trying to prove I was worth still having. I see it now. I hate him. And I still have to work with him.
don't hate him because he has no feelings, he can't live like normal people but don't feel sorry for him either. A narc will always warn they are a crocodile and they think well I warned her, so she deserves it. That is what one master narc on RUclips says. Mine said, he wasn't nice and he didn't think like normal people. I told an older wiser friend and she said, oh he just trying to sound mysterious. Foolish, I ignored my gut.
This has answered a question for me. I have had a terrible two years with a narcissist who has continued to have some long term friends . He may see them once a week and they are older women who he puts on a pedestal. I cant understand why they don't see his behavior,
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Do you have any friends who you suspect are narcissists?? If so, how has that been for you?
Common Ego ...I think my friend is. How do you know you are in a friendship with a narcissist, do they do the same cycle as a narcissist would do in a romantic relationship? She ghosted me without an explanation. Blocks me on her cell phone but continues to follow me on social media.
After 3 months, I reached out asking what happened and she said she didn’t like who she became around me and she wants out of “my show”. I don’t even understand what that means. She didn’t know anyone a year ago because she was new in town and now she ghosted me but would invite my friends that I introduce her to, to go do things without me.
@@justchat1667 Narcissism (especially covert) is so difficult to diagnose, even for experts. So you may never know for sure, but you can evaluate their behavior and come to a conclusion for yourself. Ultimately, if they're abusive, it's time to distance yourself.
And for what it's worth, I've known a covert narcissist who acted EXACTLY the same way you're describing to another friend. The friend introduced her to everyone and the narcissist soon turned everyone against her... and not one person had a good reason for their venom. They couldn't even explain why they suddenly hated the victim. They just did.
I happened to stumble on your video and its spot on from what i learnt from experience. The few things i felt you always know deep down you cant trust them that they are envious of you. Second is the withholding of attention used as a control mechanism by very subtle acts and the moment you again have something that they want from you suddenly you are their favorite again. I have 2 covert narc friends one has been for years and only few months ago i did finally see it and that friendship has ended. The other one is still around but i am very careful. Its always a drain to manage these relationships. Funny thing is these are very interesting people who tend to validate some of your experiences to have control over you, you mistake it for true empathy but in reality it is a way to get in your inner circle. They do not show up when you truly need true empathy or support or help.
I respectfully disagree. In my experiences one can never have a "true" friendship with a covert narcissist. I have always found that if you give them an inch they will take a mile. They are incapable of valuing friendship unless you can give them something they desire, want & or need.
Used to! Cut her off almost 6 years ago. 🙅🏼♀️🧟♀️ Will never miss her fake friendship!
No way I would remain friends with a covert narcissist. I have had a few of these types of "friends," and I ended up severing ties with each of them. Selfishness, jealousy, sabotage, and competition have no place in a friendship. These are highly toxic people who are sneaky and fake. When I notice that a person trying to enter my life has traits like these, they are out the door.
Ive been friends w one the past 3 yrs over the phone only, and it feels like a psychic vampire draining your energy. She absolutely cannot handle one iota of critisism.
True
@@dyanswill I stopped listening to the hour long messages left on my answering machine, sometimes as many as twenty in a 24 hour period. ...& then i learned to hang up the phone. Then, i just couldn't do it anymore.
@@angaeltartarrose6484 I was getting fed up of the chains and chains of text messages tryin to bring me down for things tht didn't even happen!! just bcoz i didn't like her smoking in my company! so block!
💯 💯 💯
You can have a covert narcissist friend for a long time without realizing it. In the beginning, when you are very young and have never heard of narcissism, you can begin a friendship that seems to be all you would look for in a perfect sibling relationship. In fact, if you have a narcissistic sibling, you may seek out this frienship to replace the less than appealing sibling relationship you were born into.
There can be quite a lot of excuses made for random strange,unpleasant and mysterious behavior. The incidents have such a big gap of time between them you don't remember them or recognize a pattern. Then one day when you are much older and start learning about your narcissist parent, sibling, business partner,spouse a surprising little buzz of recognition goes off in your head. Wait a minute!!! So and so is a covert narcissist, and all the strange and random incidents of the look at start to make sense and your heart sinks.
Truth !!!
Exactly what happened to me…. I realized after a few decades that 3 of my close female friendships were indeed covert narcs….also have 2 narc siblings so was programmed from the start ….thanks to lockdown I extricated myself from these connections to honor & protect myself ♥️🤍
This is so true. And it hurts me so much that my bestfriend (ever since i was born PLS) is a covert narcissist. I hope there is a chance when I can heal her.
@@billliecoladon't ever think of healing her. It's not your job. Run away from her and find true friends
This!!!! Yes!! It's me! I met her when I was 13... I "broke up" with her when I was 38...
I supposed you CAN be friends with a covert narcissist but the real question is WHY? It Honestly, it seems like a lot of work when friendship should a be source of joy.
Good point...
Yes.
Exactly 🌺
AMEN.......I never understood people who continue to stay in a ONE SIDED relationship with a FRENEMY who only drains them of their pOsiTiVe energy and robs them of their pEaCe!
I think I eventually came to that exact point… this is NOT fun
Absolutely not worth it! They are way too prone to envy... they will nibble away at your life and don’t have the capacity to be happy for you ... have friends you can be honest with instead and who are honest with you :)
Very true!! But, unfortunately, so many people don't even know their friends are narcissists... especially the covert type. And as long as they're at arm's length, it probably won't impact your life.
But bottom line: don't let a narcissist close enough to hurt you - because they will.
they’ll find out eventually... pseudo intimacy and a lack of empathy do not a true friendship make.. yeah so long as you stay away from them and their egg shells it’s all good . they also show you where your boundaries need a little bolstering so that’s good I guess.
@@honoryourself2098 Yes!! I'd love the lessons without the pain that narcissists cause, but they do shine a light on the things we need to see, don't they?
Sorry for all the comments 🙃 I get a bit hyper when people actually understand covert narcissists hehehe
Yep they sharpen your discernment 100%
Do they ever say please, thank you or how are you? Do they ever pay for anything? Does every conversation steer back to them? Do they disappear when something better comes along? If any of this sounds familiar, get them the hell out of your life. No matter what the relationship type is. They’re human garbage.
no i disagree
They are not even human garbage they are lower than the last shit you tske when you die. They are not human theure not even like animals. They are completely useless ro anyone they are pathetoc bryond the biggest loser out there. Theyre so useless they camt eben feel happy good or anything nice without screwing ppl over ... They are boring and delusuonal. They have no real self sp ejat do they offer.... Wow some beginning sparkles thry learned from tv amd the attack on ppl they know r better than them. Imagine everyday u wake up hsting urself ur life and u constantly need to get valisated but it makes u feel weal so u do ot by playing games. U wake up and all day whenever u r not alone u r wearing the suitable mask for the suitable person. U work all ur life fucking everyone who loves u over and chase the money status and power only to go home and srill be u amd feel the way u do. U live to impress ppl so that u dont kill urself cos if u had to stop this u would kill urself. An empty shell with nothing to offer anyone. Nothing true or real or that matters. Its a terrible life ....
But
They are here for a reason...God makes the bad work for Him.
I believe that they are here to wake people and unknowingly force them to become who they are meant to ...
No, they will still try to isolate you, mess with your life and self esteem.
Absolutely. That's their plan A.
Take your friends away if possible. Become 'better friends' with them than you are. "Your friends like me better than you." Who wants someone in their life who would even say such a thing to anyone!?
Angael Tartar Rose mine had her equally crazy sister sleep with a man I wasn't getting with because my friend and her sister hated him. I was assaulted within a week of that happening from a neighbor they were both talking to. That was the trauma and from that point on every man I tried to date she scared off while literally picking the underbelly of men to set me up with. Last one walked up and put his hand down my shirt while she was introducing us. If we went into a bar and in general conversation to a group of people she would tell women I was picking up on their boyfriend. She was always trying to get me into the sex stuff she did or be like her. This was a hard situation on me but thankfully I realized the only way I was going to have a life was to move and I did. Some people spend their whole life under that control.
Your intuition will always tell you. Trust your instincts. I remember all the strange sensations I had about this"friend" who gradually showed her true colors. She was full of envy, selfishness, and all traits of a covert narcissist. I learned they are incapable of loving themselves therefore they can't Love others. They can't be trusted cause of their tendency to judge and criticize others therefore will likely spread gossip. Could you call this friendship? No way! I guess the best is to stay away.
Exactly! I had this friend for a very long time but just recently I noticed something off with her by her behavior towards me and our friends, when I figured it out I was astonished by the amount of red flags I had been ignoring for her being a old friend she even come to date a boy who I was interested at the time in high school after I reveal my feelings for him. This was just the tip of the iceberg that I wasn't seeing.
In the past I had a few narc friends, but there is always an end point to the friendship. The tricky part is not to hold on to the good times with them, the moment they start to abuse you. There's no turning back.
@@davidslagmulder2423 yes, that sounds about right. Also I guess it is important to remember that there are actual narcissists and people with a few or more (or stronger) narcissistic traits than the average. The latter might be more manageable in a friendship!
But if you were effected by a covert narcissistic parent(s), you will not know how to trust your own instincts. I was taught to doubt my very existence so I became a Co-depender to everyone in my life. God helped me to discover this truth, and now at 51 yrs old it all makes sense. I'm not crazy!!
Agreed. They are very envious people. Their covert ways become overt when they are drunk. That's the best way to find out if your friend is a covert narcissist. When sober they will pertend it never happened; just stay quiet. They are the biggest of hypocrites and when you call them on their bs will bring up the most irrelevant old situation. Cut them off before it costs you your life..
I recently found out my close friend is a covert narcissist. She would mimic my personality and only I would see it. I used to distance myself from her cuz I used to feel drained by her. It was getting really difficult until our other friend who we kind of severed ties with cuz of the covert narcissist friend. She came to me and my other friend and told us the main person who has been draining all of our energy and broken our friendships . I started to remember that one day when I confronted my narcissist friend about her mood swings and her giving me attitude, she said it was because her parents compared her to me and said she hated me for it. Me being dumb i dismissed it cuz she is known to be weird and say weird things. I told her what’s there to be upset about, your parents don’t even know me. All theses things came in our head and now I feel like I was scammed. Plus, i found out that she has been talking shit about me to my other friends when she acting like she is the only one in my life. She tells us to give her attention all the time smh. Never be friends with covert narcissist they will drain you so much.
I can relate. I have noticed the same thing in my life, they steal your personality while trying to compete with you. They love to brag alot aswell
I had a “frenemy” that was a narcissist. She left me scratching my head every single time I saw her. Which was nearly every day for ten years. She was an in-law. She constantly put me down in front of people. But she always made it seem like she was too dingy to realize she was belittling me. In reality, she was very smart. I tried to figure out if she was doing it on purpose for the longest time. When I told her how she made me feel, it only fueled her to keep doing it. Every time I thought I would give her another chance, she did something even worse.
That's not a friend you're describing, it's an unpleasant companion! You're describing having to walk on eggshells and not being able to relax and be true to yourself. Nightmare!
Narcs do not want you to be comfortable. You are left on your toes
Coverts cannot have friends only supply
Yes! That's a perfect way to put it!
But at the same time: that is what many people these days call friendship.
This was my best friend from ages 5-24. I made the mistake of trying to go back and it made things worse. She tried to interfere in my marriage. I thought if I just kept her at a distance maybe we could still be friends. We always have so much fun together, I thought my mistake was just getting too close. We grew up together and were like sisters, but I thought maybe we could just have a clean slate and move forward with a less involved kind of friendship.
Big mistake.
All that did was invite her to abuse me some more. I couldn't understand why she always does these things to me when I was nothing but a great friend to her, but videos like this help me so much.
Her family was very emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I was there to witness it. I would always give her slack because I knew how bad she had it. Now I've come to realize that abuse scarred her permanently and this is why she sought to destroy me while still wanting me around at the same time (for supply).
I'm still trying to come to terms with all the scars our friendship gave me. Part of me is still so angry at her for everything. I want to forgive her, I thought I had until all the old wounds were reopened 2 years ago. I should have known better than to go back, but I was going through a vulnerable time in my life at that point and I missed having her to talk to.
*sorry for the rant
I had a friend like this too. It always falls apart when they get close 😔
Please don't shame yourself for going back. Most of us do. I was completely discarded and I asked to meet after four months. 🤦🏼♀️ Definitely made things worse, set back my healing, but it also showed me I wasn't the problem.
been there. Yes, it's hard especially when you want to talk to someone. They help but ultimately make you feel worse. Some wounded, not all are narcs (I hope) are not nice. They want to put out your light, they hate it. I had a friend who would read my voice at times and say you sound good today. Kind of creepy.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that for so many years. I did the same thing. Unfortunately, it does become addictive. When you’re honestly giving a friendship your all, and they’re making you work to earn it, that cycle becomes something we think we need. Fortunately there are other people who have been through the same things that we can talk to.
So enlightening.
Best girlfriend of 3 years. Saw her everyday. She lives across the street. The ONE time I told her that I was angry and hurt about something she did:
1. Silent treatment
I texted saying I wanted to talk it through.
2. Silent treatment
After two months I wrote her a letter.
3. Silent treatment.
Three months later I got an email saying she had my house key and I had hers but she didn’t want to engage.
She said: “it’s best to leave this in the past”
On the surface she seems like a perfectly friendly, cheerful person. But she was very insecure.
Had very abusive relationships in the past. I realized I never met ONE other friend of hers in 3 years. All social activity with other people was with my friends. She has a high powered corporate job. Was never wrong. Could not ever take accountability with her work woes or relationship stuff (but I sure absorbed it and tried to help her feel better) Yet she could never see how she enabled the “abuse” and stayed in those relationships willingly. I did point it out once via tough love. (probably a mistake)
Pretends to be modest but is actually rather arrogant.
I don’t know if she’s a covert narc cause Im not a doctor but this was initially heartbreaking for me.
Now I’m glad to leave toxicity behind.
I have ended four friendships with narcissists. Each friendship was long - and I don't know why it took my so long to bail from the relationships. But I did!
good for you, usually they go crazy if overt about ending. Subtle and distancing has been my only means. Or I my phone is off saving money, works, lol
You’re not alone…. I had same experience….3 very close long term female friendships….now gone thanks to lockdown & courage ♥️🤍
My two best and longest friendships were with coverts. I never noticed because I was busy working and doing life. I noticed when I retired and started taking better care of myself mentally and physically. I asked both of them on separate occasions for empathy and neither could do it. Then I started to notice all the other things that were off about them... Needless to say it wasn't long before I'd had enough. This was so hard because I had known them most of my life. Also in a side note, they can't hurt you after the fact if you don't care 😘
@@al_5655 Thank you for your kind and correct words!
Tell a narcissist NO, and you will find out the fastest.
My ex best friend from childhood is a covert narc,
She would try to find out everything that bothered me just to try to weaponise it against me.
Throw shady remarks at me in conversations in the sweetest voice and pretend that I was being over sensitive when I pulled her on it.
She would be super jealous of any family occasion I had.
She would hate me having other friends and tried to isolate me.
When I didn’t follow her commands such as answering the phone at the middle of the night she went into a narc rage and I blocked her
I think you can´t be true friends with a covert narc. I went through the same cycle as someone who would be in a romantic relationship: love bombing, devaluation, discard. They can love bomb you also as "friends" by telling you that you are their "best friends" without even knowing you properly. I got love bombed, then this person trespassed boundaries, after defending my boundaries there we went directly into the devaluation phase with a lot of passive aggressive behavior: mainly silent treatment, ghosting and just pulling away from me, giving me the feeling that I´m not important anymore. I discarded this person before he could discard me, because I knew something was off here and I felt that he will discard me sooner or later.
Yes, one of the worst times of my life! They are real life monsters. Fake smiling at everyone. YUCK
There's someone who keeps telling me I'm their friend but every time I see them they are always in a hurry to do "something". I don't mind, I have other people in my life but it feels like she just wants power over me. So, I've decided to play her game and always be very, very busy myself and when she tells me how much she appreciates me and our "friendship" I'll just thank her and be on my way. Great video, thankyou for posting this.
Raised by a narcissist mother - had a best friend for many years who was also a narcissist and did not know. I was always happy to let her have the spotlight. She was very dramatic, but fun. All went south when I lost some weight. She had a Valentine's day dinner party, and a gay couple raved over my new figure in a hot pink dress, and she just lost it. She couldn't stand not being the centre of attention. She ghosted me without explanation -I was initially very hurt and confused to be dumped. It was so weird, as I did not put it all the pieces together until many years later, when I realized my mother was a narcissist and so was she. By the way - I love your channel - very validating. Would love to hear more about narcissistic mothers and how their daughters can cope.
Josie K It’s so wild to think someone is THAT insecure lol these ppl truly are a different type of human.
Yes. It took 3 1/2 years for me to realize what was happening. When I did I finally had the courage to tell her the truth and end our “friendship”. By then I was emotionally exhausted and finally realized I needed to forgive her for the way she had treated me. Only then did I find peace. I will be more careful in the future.
I've had a 'so-called' friend for over 10 years and only realised this year that they are a covert. Luckily, I have remained relatively distant in sharing info but have shared thoughts and feelings. I've noted objectionable attitudes and actions in my 'so-called' over the years but not organised my thoughts about all these little events. This year, a big life event happened for my 'so-called' and I was subjected to the most audacious verbal tirade imaginable. It is only because I have been coming to terms with the disaster that was a relationship with a grandiose narcissist that I look periodically at new info or relevant videos. Whoa! I hadn't accounted for having a covert in my current circle and one who's been in it so long. What an awakening I've had!
and I noticed narc aunt didn't pick on the already wounded, they were no fun. Only the ones who were happy and living a good life-then they are a thorn in the side.
Some people do not realize it because those traits and behavior have been normalized by tv shows and movies... Even Disney ones!
Similar story as mine!!
I didn’t realise until the fallout I was friends with a covert narcissist, I approached them about something underhanded I had heard they were doing to a co worker. I had previously dated a malignant narcissist, so although something always seemed off about this friend I didn’t put two and two together until the fallout. It was then I got to experience the discard and smear campaign from this covert. I worked back from there and unravelled our entire friendship. It really took me by surprise. I didn’t think I would ever have another narcissist in my life. To be honest knowing they are the ones that are broken doesn’t make the situation any better.
My narc friend told her narc mother everything I said to her. She once said we discussed you were to nice for that type of job and meaning they were not. They relish in their not having empathy.
If your "friend" is constantly one upping you or claiming to but really they're only lying to make themselves feel or look good, just walk on from that relationship. It's exhausting and not worth it.
Yes I had someone who I thought was my best friend and she is definitely a covert narcissist, she used everything I told her against me and recreated my childhood wounds.. she also seemed to derive pleasure from causing me pain and seeing how I would react when she discarded me.
the silent treatment? pains. i really hope i could heal her though.
Yep passive aggressive and a one upper. Subtle digs etc. Always trying to be a social justice warrior, but to no avail because it's coming from bitterness. They use everything sacred to hurt you. They want you to join in on drama and put you in very awful situations. I could go on and on.
I disagree on this topic. You can't be friends with a covert narcissist. You tell all the risks. They will take advantage of you and before you know you are the 'talk of the town'. I let this ride passing me by regarding friendships with (covert) narcissists.
I'm kind of on the fence with this one. My covert narcissist was my best friend. I saw a huge difference in how she treated me (her target) and how she treated her other friends. If any of them had gotten as close to her as I was, she would have turned on them the same way but since they kept their distance they didn't get the same treatment. At least not to their faces. She would do subtle things behind their backs, mostly by talking bad about them to me, but it was rarely enough for them to even notice what she was doing.
I guess in reality she wasn't really their friend, but they didn't know that. I wanted to tell them so badly the things she was saying about them to me because they were awful, but I met them through her and I didn't want to rock the boat.
@@AmbyJeans be happy that you decided to end this friendship. My covert narcissist ex partner told me all her (mutual) friends left her after she divorced from her husband. She played the victim card, because after putting the puzzle pieces together she had no real (close) friends and relatives. It was all part of her lies and cheating. So sad to be this way.
Yes, i came to realize that i was dealing with a covert narcassist friend when i started to let her know her truth about how she was treating the friendship. Right off the bat, she attacked with name calling and insults then saying i had mental issues.
My ex is a cover narcissist. One minute after the brutal discard, she told me she want to stay friends. So, within one minute she was really a devil with fire out of her eyes, and very friendly to want me as a friend. After i knew everything about her disorder, i invited her for a little talk to see if it was possible to get friends. During this meeting, she devaluated me very sneaky again and again. After this meeting with her i went on no-contact. Everything blocked, except my adress unfortenly.
Two years into a friendship, everything changed abruptly when in retrospect I caused an injury. I’m really into the concept of “sisterhood” and women supporting and uplifting each other. She was in “total” agreement I thought and echoed my sentiments on “mean girls” so two years in, she lived with her male cousin for free for almost a year and a half. She found out that he had a new girlfriend and feared she was getting pushed out of the apartment. She went into a rage, in a voice I never heard before calling this new woman a B and a W and an S. I was like whoa…hey, you don’t even know this woman, I’m sure she’s nice and aren’t you happy yr cousin found love? She apologized the next day, but there was something off about it. A few days later, we attended a party and she turned on me, with the help of another woman and ridiculed and belittled me in front of everyone. I actually got up and left without saying a word. The next day I offered an apology, that I must’ve offended them, but I didn’t know what I had done or said. She replied, thanks for reaching out, we’ll talk soon….she didn’t contact me until 8 months later, but she did post passive aggressive things about “sisterhood” on fb seemingly to provoke me. So after 8 months she came back, and I asked what I had done at the party, her answer? I had picked up a slug in the backyard and let it crawl on my hand. So I said, if playing with a slug can ruin a friendship, then it wasn’t much of a friendship. She then went into a tirade that I wasn’t taking accountability lol what is scary is that I was unaware for two years, but when she flipped, she flipped fast.
I stopped talking to a friend recently because I noticed that she only reached out when she needed something. And when I tried to help her emotionally, she would say something mean about me being poorer than her to control the situation. When someone always makes you feel shitty or worse off than them, it’s probably not the best friend. ❤️
I have tried really really hard to be friends with this person. I really like him, but find myself questioning what it is that I am gaining from this "friendship "? I met him when he was going through a horrible divorce and I felt compassion for him and all that he was experiencing. I was there for him day after day, listening, caring, praying, and offering support and advice for over a year. Conversations were NEVER about me. Not so much as a "how are you doing?" At one point I was ghosted for several months and somehow took the blame going back and trying to reestablish the "friendship " with a sincere apology. The past 6 weeks have been more of the same. Unanswered texts and a coldness even when I mentioned some serious problems in my life.
I miss the person I THOUGHT I was becoming friends with in the beginning, but am learning that what I miss is an illusion. :(
Yes I have. My “best friend” which I now know was just a relationship of convenience for her. Unfortunately, your last rule of thumb answered my question, which is that I should never be friends with her again. Sad. Thanks for this video. You speak the truth.
Unfortunately I know too many covert narcissists. I have to sift a lot to find just one good friend.
Very helpful video. My covert narcisisist friend used to give me the silent treatment. I blocked him on social media and their phone number after the last time. I bet he's smearing my name if he wasn't already during the friendship. The block infuriated him I'm sure, but that was done for me. #nocontact
Friendship with a narcissist of any kind is very limited, very unrewarding.
I thought i met a true friend twice. The first one tried to abuse me mentally for a while. Gaslight my reality. Until, one day, i decided not to entertain him anymore. I was drained, enotionally extremely tired.
Recently I've been talking to a friend who needed help. I was there for her until I pointed out she needed to be there. When she makes an appointment with me, just be there. She stated: I am so overwhelmed with problems and I can't handle extra drama from you. I might as well jump off a bridge.
I recognized this toxic behavior and I decided to respond with: take care of yourself and whenever you are ready, you know where to find me.
I didn't address the jumping of a bridge because it is a manipulation tactic. Something I've learned from the first narc. Just wowww...how incredible is the strength an empath needs to overcome these types of relationships...sigh...I've got this, though and so does anyone else!!!
This hits so close to home. I meet this person who I thought was really nice. Seemed to be there for me. Let me stay at thier place when I had a concussion. I thought they really cared for me. So when I saw a need that I could help them out with, it was a no brainer for me. However, as time went on, they took adventage of me. Which I didn't see until someone from the outside looking in saw her for what she was and called her out on how she was treated me. I knew nothing about the talk between the two of them until the person who confronted my "friend" told me about what she said. From there things started to go down hill. As I was struggling with depression my "friend" took that opportunity to use that by calling me "sick". Which she had no idea about depression. She started to treat me very badly and did some hurtful things. Thankful the person who confronted my "friend" helped me get away from my so called "friend". Sadly I'm still hurting for all that happened. I think i understand that this "friendship" will never be repaired, but it makes me sad as I really can see who she could be way deep inside.
I am an empath so I am a huge narcissist magnet. This was helpful!
Thank you for helping me rid of a narc friend.
24 yr friendship.. Christian and my mentor. I didn't see it until the yrs went buy.. she grew so indifferent towards me . I'd always been a heavier with having babies, didn't take if off for years. When I accidentally lost weight from poor health , grieving ect. She was jealous 🤦🏼♀️.. wth I thought. I had stayed with her in California when I went down for my dads funeral. This , is when I'd start seeing a different person than I had ever seen.. it hurt really bad to learn she wasn't more mature and she became more bitter. I would go to learn more about the bible and get excited finding things and she'd always say oh I don't know about that Dela hmmmm..by this time I'd been a believer a long enough time and learning things on my own time. I became a challenge and competition. Just hurt so bad and this started over her pain over rejection from a man. All to common this happens . Like jezzabel.
I'm sorry you went throught all of that, hopefully now you are doing much better, and even though it was painful, and left its mark, now you are more aware. May God bless you a lot!
One of the things I noticed that alerted me is the passive aggressive or nice nasty comments. And also they don't reciprocate kindness. I've even noticed how they morph into different people when talking or interacting depending on the person. Especially if that person is a potential or ongoing target of supply.
Took my friend out for her 50th birthday to a nice restaurant… she never said thank you and brutally criticized/judged my partner when I called her a week later, puzzled . She Called him names and tried to undermine our relationship. Called me names for being w him. Never knew anyone could be that victimized when someone took them out. It was a NICE restaurant! There are many more rotten details. Vulnerable Narcissists are always victims, lack emotional empathy (altho they manipulate others w their cognitive empathy) they are obnoxiously entitled, they attempt to manipulate and control you. Just WOW… she said she had to drink those 5 whiskey sours she ordered just to be able to get through dinner… it was never more obvious, your entitlement, your ingratitude, your toxic manipulation and control attempts. Take your victimhood and your contempt and go back under a rock. YOU are discarded. Thanks… had to vent
They can be fun, but in the end you cannot flourish & be your true self with these people….speaking from decades of experience with female covert friendships
Yeah. I have a friend, or rather an ex friend, who's a covert narcissist. I've known that she is one for a long time and I thought I was playing it safe. I kept enough distance and boundaries so that she couldn't abuse me financially (oh yeah, she tried!). I didn't really expect much from her as a friend, but continued the friendship because she could be fun, and she was a kind of special friend for me, I felt that on some levels she understood me better than anyone else. Now I realise that it was exactly what narcissists do. I did see that she was all of a sudden a very different person on those rare occasions when we were around other people. I could sense there was something very off. But I thought I played it safe. And although I'm sure it protected me from getting badly bruised, I still got a bit bruised. Because we normal people invest emotions, no matter how hard we try not to. And for the narcissist you're either useful or useless. She even said that about other people in her life, that they were useless - she used to say it in her kind of gentle way, as if she was deeply hurt by their uselessness. And one time when I had to reinforce my boundaries, she realised I was useless too. That she couldn't use me. So I ceased to exist for her. Even though I didn't expect much from that friendship, even though I knew she was emotionally unreliable, it still hurt.
The one question to ask a narc to determine if they are one........"IN WHAT WAYS DO YOU THINK YOU NEED TO GROW OR CHANGE"?..Their answer will range from bewilderment to rage. Narcs think they are perfect and dont need to change.
Most covert narcissists remain undiscovered by the majority of people. They are the people you invite to your cottage every year, you sit beside at work, your sibling, your close friend ...
I'm sorry but everything you said about a friendship with a narcissist says to me that you really cant be friends with these kinds of people. At least not real friends in the sincere sense of the word. Narcissist, for the most part are acquaintances and not to be let in close. I'm not saying to treat them inhumane but I am saying if you get a sense of something off about the person whether romantic or friend, tread carefully and definitely dont let them in. Just my opinion and we all have one.
I agree but could just be different labels... I have "friends" who are actually more just acquaintances. But I would call them "friends".
I’m currently being punished by a friend who I think is a covert narcissist. I couldn’t figure out why she’s so hot and cold with me. Then I found out she’s talking to everyone about me behind my back. She never says sorry, she never compliments me even though I do so to her. She hates all of her friend’s partners including mine. She tried to convince me to divorce my husband and created a huge drama between us. Now she rolls her eyes and me or shakes her head like I’m an idiot. I’ve been contemplating letting the friendship die but she weaseled her way into my workplace so now she’s unavoidable 🙄
Thank you for your videos. I just blocked one. Not sure what type of narcissist but I do know I had no idea this happened in friendship. Thankful I know red flags, but this lady took the cake. Called incessantly day and night, texted all hours, gossiping, bad mouth her friends, her patient, she is a live in nurse, critical of my decisions, my friends whom she didn't know, which I didn't allow her to put me down or get away with this. Wanted to maybe move to my state if her job fell through to split expenses, I declined, sent me groceries, clothes while recovering eye surgery. I begged her to stop. Didn't feel comfortable and I knew she did this to make me become indebted to her in future, not happening! Had bizarre delusional ideation, people tapped her phone, hidden cameras, this list goes on. She tried to get me to believe they were after me and after 4 weeks of me listening to this, I told her no more. I value my peace. Have not heard from her since then and I blocked her. Crazy 4 weeks! Thanks for listening. God Bless!
It's possible unless he/she is a sociopath.Of course we are talking about fair weather friends to pass jolly time together not best friends.They may be entertaining, articulate even inspiring (there are a lot of losers among coverts but some of them catch up with life ).Don't be too close. My personal narc hijacked my my circle many years ago. I introduced him there and after our break-up I had to give up socialising with them. He was quite a success , nobody seemed to miss me :-) Still , expecting such a course of events I had built up my own circle not missing them very much either.
I completely agree. You might not even know they're narcissists unless you get close enough for abuse (or they tell you).❤
My experience was the same 😔
Yep covert narcs will be extremely nice, charming, and funny. They will and lure all your friends and family into their world of illusion. I had to cut my own family off
@@nh55871 oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that, Mary. I hope you've found some peace 🙏❤
Oh yes, mine hijacked a group of friends, but lucky for me they weren't all that great of a group to begin with. In the long run she did me a favor. I found her to be very charming, but she wasn't that successful at making others see her that way. Even the group she isolated me from doesn't even really like her like that, they're just friends with her boyfriend.
I had a relatively close friend throughout all of middle & high school (8 years) but something always felt off about her. Only after this "friendship" ended and through this channel I was relatively sure it was covert narcissism rcissism (not a psychologist, just saying everything making a bit more sense now)... Well there were always these feelings of entitlement, of course, as in feeling entitled to know every little bit of information about me (a lack of compliance would end in a hissy fit). Every available minute between school periods had to be spent with her, smear campaigns regarding me or other people, etc. and the emotional maturity, self-centeredness and morality of a toddler, just worse. So as arguments and acts of devaluation became more frequent and worse at the end of last year, the friendship broke off at the end of last year, it was quite messy and who discarded who was unclear, contact was reduced for a few weeks and I was glad I wouldn't have do put up with her anymore, except for school work. Then she made a hoover attempt, probably because almost all of her friends had left her over the years and she was seeking out supply, so I was certain she'd make the last months as bad as she could if she was to be rejected 😪 so for sanity's sake, I initially accepted but kept her at a distance, spending less time together but conversing in a friendly manner worked out well enough, it obviously irritated her and she even tried a last gaslighting attempt, which failed, but she was aware that now she had less room for devaluation and drama since she was short on supply. Due to that, I probably wasn't too interesting as supply anymore and now it's probably either her boyfriend or someone entirety else who'll be used. I assume the day it all ended she was going to discard me (in hindsight, it fits these narcissistic traits), but enough was enough and didn't care for the damage anymore so cutting it short, telling her that the friendship was really toxic and that is wasn't working out, I blocked her, went no contact and that was it. An important factor to this was also the pandemic, not saying it's a good thing but since school closed it saved everyone involved a month of more craziness, so that was very helpful.
I'm sorry this comment is so long but I wanted to get it off my chest and to say 'Thank you, Christina! ❤' for spreading awareness about narcissism and help with recovery, you're doing a great job!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING! I'M PRETTY SURE MY BEST FRIEND IS A COVERT NARCISSIST. I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. BUT ALL THE RED FLAGS ARE THERE, AND I CAN'T IGNORE THEM ANYMORE. SHE EXAUSTS ME.
I’ve realized recently that one of my friends is very likely a covert narc. She never listens to anything I say but dumps her problems on me and expects me to listen and to be there for her. She goes through cycles of friends. Talks poorly about all of them and has on and off friendships and relationships. I was recently discarded for asking why she tells me to have a good day through texts but proceeds to bombards me with messages on a different platform. I thought this was odd. It’s like ohhh I’m so busy have a good day through texts but will message on instagram, Facebook... you get it. And they are not short messages. They are long convos. I also get tagged in 20 posts and often would wake up to 10-20 texts. But our friendship was done the moment I questioned her. I should add that I am in a new relationship and it feels like she’s been acting different since I told her about it.
Bushra S sorry to hear you are dealing with the same. I hope you stay away from that toxic person. Mine sent a happy thanksgiving/birthday text after basically telling me to fuck off 2 weeks ago. The nerve
Block her! Stay away. Chances are You're the supply she needs. They don't like boundaries.
I agree with @inquieteable, block indefinitely. @Nubia Jeffries, you said "Talks poorly about all of them and has on and off friendships and relationships". There is a saying that goes like this: "Those who gossip to you will gossip about you". The covert narc I knew did the same, talked behind peoples' backs and spread rumours and distrust. A really toxic person. The sad reality is they love chaos and drama, because it's the kind of atmosphere in which they feel they have control. When things are chaotic/dramatic they can draw attention to themselves and they can also play their favorite roles of either hero or victim, even though it is THEY who are creating the chaos. That toxic person is now out of my life and I do not regret it the least. I am feeling much better.
This is very similar to my ex best friend she constantly had problems and I was always there for her. She’d disappear of uni breaks and not message me at all. And when we would plan to hangout she cancel last minute because she’s was feeling super depressed. I just took it as she was dealing with a lot. However once I got a boyfriend she started saying I was abandoning her. And when we were having troubles I went to her like a friend does but she told me I’m not your therapist. I noticed she started saying nasty remarks about me and found out she was talking shit and when I confronted her she blamed me for everything. We eventually apologised to each other but then a few days later she blocked me
You are a life saver! Thank you for your videos. You helped me tremendously!
Ah...narcissistic injury...yep that explains our last fight so much. She did apologise afterwards...a few days later and lament that it was something she only did to people that she was close to...namely her husband, and me.
I realized one of my best friends of 30 yrs was a Narcissist. As I learned more about it (3+years now) he started checking more boxes, until finally I couldn't deny it. 1 sided friendship, questionable gaps in relationship (ghosting) if I didn't reach out it would have died years ago. I just finally cut the cord and let it go, he wasn't worried about me why should I be worried about him.
Short answer: No!
Long answer: Hell no!
Lolll I said “ hell no “ before I even opened the video 😂😂😂
I was fooled by a covert narcissist neighbor because I fell for her sob story about her malignant narcissistic soon to be ex-husband. She hit me with her ongoing drama very early on in fact from our first conversation. Her pity ploy worked and very soon I was attached to her and her little boy and treating her like she was a family member and providing her with free child care and I was trying to rescue her from all her problems. Fast forward to four years later and when I had an emotional crisis with my clinically diagnosed BPD/malignant narcissist adult son; she was judgmental, critical, dismissive, and a real jerk towards me. Her false persona is that of an emotionally struggling, nice, single Mom but she is really a wolf in sheep's clothing. She stopped her therapy I believe because she did not want to be found out for whom she really is. She will manipulate and take advantage of nice people. I am glad that I am no longer fooled by this person. I am also glad that she moved from my building two years ago. Her communication with me since the pandemic has been intermittent because I cannot do for her anymore so I am not of use to her. Narcissists only think of themselves and that is for sure. You are only as good to them as what you can provide for them.
Best thing to block and go.no contact
Yes they took me to court showed no remorse for what they did . I will never do that ever again .
They do so much damage. It happens before you know it.
I have a friend who is definitely a narcissist but I know that he hadn't got many friends and I have been helpful in inspiring him to take care of himself and strive to live a more fun fill life but I am aware of his limitations and I'm keeping it cool and superficial
I had a friend that called herself an empath. Having 3 auto immunes got a job to get out of a narcs house(sister). I worked a straight week with a migraine and no sleep for 5 days and on Friday had scheduled a quick walk around the neighborhood with this friend. Instead of canceling I told her about the week I had and would spend 1/2 hour walking then sent her home and I would go to bed. She came over and always talking about being a victim and how great she is which I completely ignored. We sat on the grass for a moment where I caught myself falling over because I fell asleep. She proceeded to tell me how selfish I was and toxic. She doesn’t work and sleeps all day. Just wow. No empathy for what my week had been. Two days later she caught Covid and was mad I didn’t tend to her. You can’t make this shit up! Bye Ms. narcissist
Once you go through a few experiences, and see then for what they are, you realize you have better things to do than keep bailing them out if they refuse to fix their own situation.
I had a friend that is a covert narcissist. I thought she was my best friend. She told me I was the only friend that she could talk to yet every time she messaged me she was so condescending and belittled me. I always felt angry when she messaged me because she was always trying to start a fight with me and she used my secrets against me. It has made me have trust issues
They always have to get in at least one dig. You want to believe they are not mean but they are and they do not deserve a friend then. They are jealous of everything and compare is their middle name. They love when you are down, they call right away to hear what went wrong. but when happy they get mad.
@@analee3299 Exactly! You literally just described her. Yeah I couldn’t ever have a normal conversation without her insulting me. Ikr I thought that since she’s been my friend for years, why would she be mean to me but she was and it took me awhile to realize it unfortunately. I just kept making excuses for her bad behaviour. Yeah you’re right she doesn’t deserve any friends if she treats them badly. I agree that’s so true! Every time something good happened in my life she was bitter and tried to bring me down when I was happy. And when something bad happened she would instantly message me back and make me feel even more bad about what happened. I’m glad I cut her out of my life. I don’t need that kind of life sucking bad energy around me.
It took 5 years to figure this one out. Before I knew what was happening he had tried to take over my friends, co workers and adult kids. When we met he made himself appear like a lonely person that had no friends and suffered from depression. So feeling bad for him I tried including him on many things I had going on. He tried asking me to date him. I declined. This was the injury. He tried to make me feel bad for not dating him at first then he tried bullying me. I stood my ground. Next when he would come to my gatherings he would slide snarky comments into the conversations that was meant to be jabs toward me. After several instances I called him out on his disrespect. So he stopped and then started to turn my friends against me. Some of which told me he was trashing me behind my back while trying to sleep with my friends that he would of otherwise not have access to. When I tried to pull away and not answer my phone any more. He would just show up at my house. I found him several times outside my bedroom window. He tried to use my kids and friends to find out information about me. I'm still having trouble getting him out of my life.
Ha! Been in all friend angles and again tried everything to assist - learned a lot. Yay! The bane of my existence! Ok this is the first day of the rest of my narcissist free life. Oh wait I still have to lower the last boom on the one who thinks I’m still in relationship with him - on FB. Taking a two week no contact to gain the strength to cut the cord- and yes he was in jerk mode and said we should be friends... as if! I’m hearing jaws theme song in the back ground. 🎶🎶🎶😳😮😵😬
I'm confused. How can anyone be a friend to anyone by being a "yes person?"
It's a very shallow "friendship." Look at the list of friends of any true narcissist for examples 😅
@@CommonEgo right true 👌
It was a whole family. Their oldest daughter was friends with our daughter. All the little kids were best buds.
The oldest daughter showed signs of extreme covert narcissist behaviour early on but my daughter just tolerated her because she thought she had to. We just chalked it up to regular teenage narcissist behaviour that with good guidance they mature out of.
When something good happened in my daughters life, there was extreme jealousy. Then she used something my daughter did in a moment of weakness to completely bash and destroy her. (A true friend would have come along side, given help and encouragement .) Everything fell apart from there, after we tried to mend the issue. And I saw the whole family turn on us. She was that way because her parents also were. They made nasty false accusations against my daughter based on their daughters stories and exaggerations. Even the dad said he saw my daughter doing such n such, and wouldn't hear her out to show it was not her. Truly hurtful, mean and overt on his part.
All while ignoring their own daughters bad destructive behaviours. Including her self harm issue we were trying to expose for her goid, to get help.
They spread horrible rumours about my daughter. It was awful. Then they completely blocked us from everything. It was most bizarre, went from always coming over to do stuff, to nothing. Total blackout. Now that I think of it, we are not the only people they've done this too😮 over the years...they move on from one place to the next.
They were isolating us from others for their gain, until we no longer mattered. So painful.
I remember thinking a year before this happened, I'd hate to be so n so's enemy. Red flag!, because of how they talked so down about so many people. But felt over our heads.
Well, it caught up to us I guess.
We know well enough now though, no more friendship with this family even if we see them within the church community (yep, the church). We can forgive, but certainly put up boundaries. They seem to blend in and adopt the habits of whoever they are using. It's not genuine. Covert christian narcissists. Minus the true christian part
I think the empathetic, kind hearted church community is just a very effective source for them sadly.
With all of these exceptions, how could you be your authentic self? You can’t. So how could you have any level of friendship with a covert narcissist if you can’t even be yourself?
Hi Christine I just broke up with Covert Narcissist.He doesn't know what did wrong.I want no contact .He keeps trying.Thank God I am free!!!!
Thank you for this video. I had a friend for 5 yrs who I shared many amazing experiences. We had boundaries and kept to them...only in this way I got to know him as maybe no one else ever has. The boundaries were key. We even traveled together, filmed each other, made DVDs together. Our conversations led to me writing many books. He inspired me and challenged my creativity. I miss him because of all of this, not trauma bonds. He never hurt me, but like you said, we had distance between us. In the end I unintentionally said something that caused a narc injury and he ran. Immediately I removed myself from any contact... He was a dear friend, though on a limited basis. Why did I allow the friendship? Because I understood his strange behavior (I grew up with narc parents) and have had enough counselling to know how to deflect him. Why did he stay with me is the real question, esp because I always spoke the truth to him. Thank you for letting me share this. My story is the exception not the rule. The fact he could flip on me after all we have shared shows me that our friendship was not sustainable. Narc injury.
you are very strong! I love how you write by the way, very descriptive and I know it wasn't meant to be funny but I found myself smiling, I'm glad you saw her true colors and hopefully from now on you can find better friends!
6:35 But hows this possible if every interactions to obtain fuel why would there be a condition to maintain that friendship on any scale and wouldnt the narc have displayed abusive behavior why the ‘healthy’ person would categorize in that way?
All these rules! I am thinking like why bother? To hell with them. They bring no value.
Nope their is no being friends with a Narcissist because they don't have any real friends. My Narc ''friend'' hid who she really was in the beginning than her mask fell off. She would cut me off and over talk me while I was talking and switch the topic back to herself, Walk in front of me leaving me behind so she could be in the lead, Make back handed compliments, roll eyes at me the list goes on. When I became engaged she didn't like when people would congratulate me, tell me my ring was beautiful or ask about my wedding plans so she started wearing random rings on her ring finger even though she was not engaged all because she is Insecure, Jealous and Envious of me. Now that I am married ( June 8th 2019) She has been stalking me, stalking my friends on social media to try and befriend them she even went out and purchased her own engagement ring gave it to her boyfriend December 2019 and said surprise me before Christmas. She literally staged her own engagement because she is so insecure and Jealous. She is filled with the Jezebel Spirit nothing but the Devil! So glad she is out of my life
They do abuse their friends! I have seen this person have me as a best friend only to cut me off and have another best friend. Her best friend cycle is always a new for a bit then gone. Then…. It’s a recycle again!
NO CAN BE FRIENDS !!!!!!! It's safer to smoke cigarettes in a fireworks factory !!!
Here I am. A victim many times in many forms. I spotted the covert narcissist friend because I am always generous and now I feel dirty and used. I can excuse lots of things, but this fool is 57 and has his first baby coming in January from 35 year old girlfriend. She wanted a child and to be married….he is now off running around with another woman. Am I supposed to look away?
The friendship is finished. I don’t like liars.
Funny thing - The narcissistic friend is always talking about themselves - They never ask about what’s going on in your life anyways.
I've never had a covert narc as a friend, however I got close to one as a romantic interest. She seemed to have a close circle of friends, who she said is regularly in contact with (on a daily basis) even when they are thousands of miles away. She was an old-fashioned girl who is one of the farthest ladies I've met from the common image of the "narcissist". Every single time she talked to me about her friends, it was usually a description about a negative trait they had, or a negative behavior, otherwise simply a neutral description. Never mentioned a single positive thing about anyone, even her few "close" friends, who she said ironically that she would get angry if someone bad mouth them.
They simply view their "friends" as items, necessities they use for their livelihoods, maintaining image (in this lady's case, she seemed to consider close "friends" as a necessity for an all-round girl like herself mainly for her image, as well as utility). And, nothing more. I doubt if an organic, reciprocal, loyal friendship can exist with a cover narcissist.
Similar with me. Everyone of her friends were made out to be bad to her in some way but from what I could see they all seemed to be quite nice generous and always there for her. It was like she was trying to put me off them even though I was never anywhere near them apart from the odd hello.
I soon started to realise everything was a competition to her but it became obvious that she was the very nasty stingy sneaky cheating person that she claimed everybody else was. I got sick and tired of constantly hearing degrading stories about her own friends when I started getting judged the way they were. Id leave her to cool down then she would be straight over to visit her friends b1tching about me with completely made up stories. Total nightmare. The jelousy envy and bitterness towards literally everybody was unreal. Led to alot of gaslighting. And victim acts. Obviously me and everyone else are the narcissists. Not her though ofcourse. 😒
I only text them every now and then, I still care about them, but after the way i was treated, i have almost anxiety attacks around them in person
Yes I had friendships with narcissistic friends, I had narcissistic brother, sister, father and in some ways perhaps mother with narcissistic trades. In my experience it is impossible to be a friends with them for this reasons. First, I like to have my friendship in a deeper lever than the narcissist can offer. It has to have emotions involved with it. Crying, helping, liking and loving.... Second, soon i have manifested that I will not believe their BS, nor be a push over and play their grandiose self-promoting / undercover games, they loos complete interest in me. Again, their definition of friendship is quite different if there is a definition at all. I guess, we could of been in some ways acquaintance, but even that will short live for the same shallow reasons narcissists go by with their lives. By the way, I like your approach to this subject. Thank for sharing it with the rest of us. Igor (form the Netherlands).
I did not suspect that my friend was a covert narc at all. We moved in together to save costs and the verbal abuse started from the very first morning. I come from a very abusive home (which she was aware of) and it was really a terrible experience as it was triggering the same feelings I thought I had left in the past. It was extremely confusing and I had to figure out what was going on so I turned to the internet and then discovered she is a covert narc. She is extremely passive aggressive, sarcasm is her second language and she frequently snapped and snarled, shouted and screamed at me. After I figured out it is plain old common narcissism I felt stupid for thinking its menopause and stress. I moved out and tried to move above it as I said to her that if we hadn't moved in together things would not have blown up. I made regular contact with her and it seemed fine but after 5 months I reviewed the situation and realised that I was making all the effort and even though she was pleasant enough on the phone, it was clear that I had been discarded.
So I blocked her on all media and moved on. Tbh, I am still at a loss re why she asked me to co-habit if all she was going to do was treat me like that. It is very nice to be out and back in the sunshine again. I agree with your video, do not expose your vulnerabilities and just view them as bubblegum friends, then it can work.
narcs need a main source of supply to fucntion, they also have secondary sources and third one. But one main source to bully
Two of the worst people I’ve met in my life were covert narcissist friends. I wish people talked more about this dynamic. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and father so I seem to be an easy target for these people. I can’t get over how evil narcissism is. These two friends actively tried to destroy my life and threatened physical harm. I take friendships very seriously so I spend a lot of time with friends and talking with them unfortunately these two narcs used that to their advantage and I became the perfect narc supply because I used to have a hard time setting boundaries and calling people out when they’ve done something wrong or lied. They would be so confident as to lie in front of me cause they know I wouldn’t call them out. Let’s just say the fall out with both was pretty nasty cause I was a pretty submissive friend who just wanted to make them happy and feel validated. I’ve learned from it though and listen to my gut feeling straight away now. I had to have a lot of therapy to get to this point.
I LITERALLY HAD THIS ISSUE. I was very submissive and just listened to every little thing he talked about and I never mentioned any of his hypocrisies and mistreatments towards me, his mother or just to other people. I called him out on it and we blocked each other, found out later that the whole family don't like me now, took me a while to just say "good riddance". I vowed to never be in that situation ever again because it was painful to go from a cute friend to an annoying acquaintance to a literal enemy.
There are entire cultures of narcissists, they teach one another by example how to treat one another, my family is one of those examples. I am the scapegoat and the gossip has been intense and constant so I avoid all of them as much as I can. I don't share anything with family members.
You can have circle 1. Circle 2. Circle 3. And so on. Never expert a narcissist to be in circle 1 or 2.
I think one of my closest friends is a covert narcissit or an other type, i dont know. She is convinced that she is a highly empathetic person that wants to help other people so bad that she forgets herself (I thought it too). At first she seemed shy. But time after time she removed her mask. Fall in love with my ex (At first i thought ... well you can't control love), talked massive shit behind my back, blamed her own mistakes on me. One time i told her about a seroius romantic interest about someone we both knew for a long time and slept on the same day with him. After she told me, hysterically crying, she started to talk shit about that person she slept with and how terrible it was for her to sleep with him. On an other day, she asked me to not make myself too pretty to go out with her because she is not in the mood to dress herself up. Sometimes she used my ideas that i showed her to impress other people and claimed that they were all hers, even looks. If i spoke to her about that in private she accused me to copy her and told that other people too. I am really glad that she has a boyfriend now (Because then i am irrevelant to her, going from 100 to 0 contact) that she is happy with and that i go to therapy that helps me to set boundarys. I was a people pleaser and were diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I had to admit too that i indirect searched for the love and credits my parents did'nt offer me properly who were narcissits too. I am really glad that my therapist and i are working on that and that she helped me realized why and what ist going on. You can be friends with someone who has it yes, she has a really good sense of humor (when she did'nt make fun of others) but you have to be really careful like Common Ego said, especially when you are a people pleaser.
I recently realized my ''friend'' is covert narcissist.I did some digging and discovered he has modus operandi with ppl for years.He is parasite that will move in with you,get a job and for years is the same story-poor little him he never gets paid for work so he eats your food,ask for your clothes (expensive one),borrow money to go out (then gets pissed off you didn't give him enough money to enter the most expensive club),so passive aggressive and looks like he is lost in some imagination land listening music every waking hour.Well you can keep mask up to certain point and his mask is falling rapidly lately. I finally snapped 2 days ago (we were both drunk) and I told him everything in the face.I told him to get out of my house but he didn't and after all that mess and 3 minutes of uncomfortable silence he asks out of the blue-hey do you want us to go and fix wrinkles with injections!Unbelievable. I don't know how to get rid of that person he do knows some of my secrets and who knows if he tries to fuck up my life if I cut him off. How to get rid of him someone help?
I thought I fell in love with a woman friend that I think it's a narcissist, which I just discovered. she also has a boyfriend. She got distant after I told her I had feelings for her and probably would never admit she had a part in it too. Complex situation.
how about love bombing, but only being available when they feel like it. so loved by everyone and so loving, but feel like it's a front. I'd tell secrets but feel like I'd never get told anything super personal for her. would do a lot of unnecessary financial things or give waiters excessive tips, never realizing how vain about herself needing assurance of importance. she'd be the type to ignore you if she didn't feel like talking to you but you'd find yourself answering her calls and texts always. over the years i felt like a not very important best friend to her and had a fallout on my bday. she forgot to tell me until the morning of my birthday, after i had texted her first, that the restaurant she was gonna take me to was closed. so i obviously wasn't that important, but she came over later that night despite me telling her to just forget about dinner... and we went out. things went completely south when she brought up something that bothered her passive aggressively. it got worse from there...I had such a bad day that she became emotionally callous and unavailable on my birthday wanting to leave and not talk. she tried to punish me for making me feel bad by telling me I'm the victim and wanting to cut me off for good. we had vacation plans and she told me to suddenly make my own hotel arrangements and not be involved in my wedding. love bombing, fakeness, emotional unavailability, desire to feel important and needed, then emotionally wounded when something she did wrong was brought to light, punished me, and cut me off.
I just overtly put them in their place and get them out of my life.
@@oscarwilliamson1128 Thanks. I hope not either 😅
both side of my family are narcissitic, my mom and my dad are narssistic all my closest friends i had were all narcissitic. they were more overt narc though...i ended up married a covert Narc and until 3 weeks ago i had no idea it was a thing. I could see myself being friends with her, if she would manages to let go of the anger and grudges tho. I would set strict bounderies because i know she's capable of good when she wants too and despised everything she did to me for 15 years.... How i'm a super empath, i'll never understand. but i am fed up attracting theses assholes now...i feel like i attract them like shit attracts flies. so fucking annoying! i can smell them a mile away now.....going to be single for a long time i think...
frankly, it goes very roughly, because eventually they give you a really hard time - and then, they don't make up properly :(
thank you. This was very healing
You become the company you keep
Can someone address this question. I have recently realized that a painful friendship/romantic fling (over a year) was with a covert narcissist. I am now feeling and unpacking the emotional ptsd of their abuse cycle that happened with me. It has really upset me and opened horrible wounds. I am new to just discovering what this abuse is, so I have been educating myself with videos like this and support communities. In this I’m starting to see narcissist qualities in myself. Is this just over diagnosis? I mean, I’m now starting to think I’m a covert narcissist too. Anyone ever experience this?
You may be an empath and you just absorbed some things from that person, now thinking you have the same traits. You have to heal.
I didn’t realize my ex was a CN until after the breakup. He did say some things in the beginning, like warning me about who he is, he was reeling from his divorce, deals with depression, saying he doesn’t have friends, ect.. And those things aren’t necessarily deal breakers... but what’s weird is that I remember thinking to myself, “is he just playing the sympathy card?” Then when we got closer, after I felt safe with him, he blindsided me and said he was seeing multiple people and basically tossed me aside. Just took advantage of my vulnerability. And then begged me to stay friends. I even tried to do it because I was trying to prove I was worth still having. I see it now. I hate him. And I still have to work with him.
it'a not you it's him he's a POS ...it's hard to be like us ....wanting to see the best in someone ....
don't hate him because he has no feelings, he can't live like normal people but don't feel sorry for him either. A narc will always warn they are a crocodile and they think well I warned her, so she deserves it. That is what one master narc on RUclips says. Mine said, he wasn't nice and he didn't think like normal people. I told an older wiser friend and she said, oh he just trying to sound mysterious. Foolish, I ignored my gut.
This has answered a question for me. I have had a terrible two years with a narcissist who has continued to have some long term friends . He may see them once a week and they are older women who he puts on a pedestal. I cant understand why they don't see his behavior,