Examples of Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
- Examples of Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
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What is Avoidant Attachment and what does it look like in relationships? Avoidant attachment is an attachment style (either dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant). That means it's the basic way that you bond with people.
In relationships some examples of avoidant attachment are things like shutting down, needing space, and keeping away from intimate discussions and activities. Avoidant attachment can change and it's not the end of a relationship.
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I am in a relationship with an avoidant partner... its the worst feeling ever. I get a really bad anxiety coz we can stay for days without talking and trying to reach out is exhausting. I feel emotionally drained...
Very accurate. The biggest takeaways of the 5 years. Very very rare for them to let you know how they feel about you or compliment you in any way. They are continously busy with something and really enjoy the me time more than us time. They tend to like everything casual and super simple( many times have long histories of casual " dating"). They love casual stuff, the minute you need a deeper connection or conversation you are told you are attacking them or abusing them. They are in their head a lot, they don't seem to need to talk to you or your help unless it is physical. If you are an anxious type ( like me); the ongoing separation will become UNBEARABLE ( fights will usually NOT be resolved and they will be about trust) and you will leave. They will try to do something but usually you can tell they are being tortured and soon enough they will resort to their habits...not worth dealing with breadcrumbs life is too short.
Yup -
Him:
Always busy fixing, cleaning, working
Rarely initiated intimacy
Man cave
Always on the phone
An elected official - strong, casual relationships (lol?)
Me:
Showered with gifts
Let him lead
Things went south when I started expressing myself.
Overuse or addiction to sex within a relationship is an avoidant quality, coming from an avoidant person in that situation, because it is an activity which satisfies our need for physical intimacy, affirmation of desire, and closeness with a partner while still distracting from and avoiding emotional intimacy and any situation where there is a possibility of heart to heart. Also always having sex in positions where you can’t look at each other or being unable to look partner (especially in the eyes) while having sex. If this applies crying during/after sex and in the event of making eye contact during sex is possible.
I had two relationships with avoidant. After the first one I said I wouldn’t do it again, but I did. I obviously had more to learn. I’m not judging them but I know myself and I know my needs and in future I will expect the love and intimacy I have to offer is reciprocal - because I deserve that ❤
You've explained something well...people swing from avoidant, to anxious to secure throughout the interaction.
I have been researching on this topic because my gf sent me a video about the topic and I have textbook avoidant attachment. Knowing this is a thing I have now started on working on this, started therapy and hoping to be more secur for her.
As an avoidant I say to all of you people that are struggling with partners like me: I'm sorry. Just try to talk to them, let them know you understand them and that this behaviours are hurting you and that they can be fixed to some degree, if they really care about you they'll work on it.
(it's not always the case but it works with me to be talked in a more logical less emotional way)
kinda terrifying how you’re describing me to a T. i honestly avoid relationships like the plague.
The breathing on the neck. So trapped. Ty for explaining!
You described this to a T. I have avoidant attachment + using this as motivation to change. Thank you 💖
Lightbulb! My recent ex! This is him exactly! He liked the bedroom BUT he always would close his eyes immediately after and not want to talk. I made all plans. He would defer to me. He was a secret smoker when I wasn’t around. He would never talk about his feelings and when I backed him in a corner and told him I didn’t think he loved me he said it wasn’t there for him and we ended it! He was very cold and aloof at times and it was killing me. His friends have even tried to reach out to him about him letting me go and he’s been cold to them as well. But this describes him entirely! I can’t be with someone like this. I’m all about having our own space but i need attention and affection and I need someone to initiate!
I’ve watched quite of few of these & you definitely explained it the most accurate/thorough. Like gifts to make up for being avoidant. So accurate in my case! He’d go to work hours early, then straight to the gym all night. I thought he hated me. Then would show up with super thoughtful gifts. I was like 🤯
The worst part is, when I finally understood him & what he needed...for the first time we were genuinely happy & secure. I literally never saw him that happy. Until one day he just never called again. Made up a story that I was cheating. I offered whatever he needed to see it wasn’t true. It wasn’t any use, i could see he was looking for an issue so it was my fault. Even if it wasn’t real. I was devastated.
I am sorry for your loss and hope the devastating experience taught you alot. I don't say that in a mean way, but in a way that ; life teaches us lessons that quite often come through pain. I wish you well.
My ex told me he had depression and we tried to work it out anyway. I remember a conversation in which I told him I was reading about depression and knew it was different for everyone so I wanted him to tell me more about how it was for him, but only when he felt comfortable. He was clearly uncomfortable and gave me a short answer just like you mentioned. But he was pretty talkative if it was a casual subject.
What bothered me the most was the other thing you mentioned, about barely talking to me sometimes, but then talking a lot and laughing loudly around our friends. It was really hard to understand and to not take it personally. It may have been the depression but it was really hard not to think he just didn’t like me anymore and that if I kept trying to work it out with him, I’d be fooling myself.
Thanks for the videos! I’m a new subscriber and loving so many of your videos!
I was incredibly hurt too - by the end she would spend time with anyone but me. Of course it’s very hard not to take it personally. Even if you don’t take it personally, it’s still unacceptable behaviour. She made excuses to push me away. And the ‘hmm’ and ‘yep’ responses are spot on. Really bad for your self esteem these people. Gotta move on
I think alot of these videos are really negative towards dissmive avoidant ( this is what I am) however there are people who care about their partners but find it really hard to talk about feelings . Just remember that everyone has a story and mines is my mum and dad literally didnt and don't give a fuck about me. It's hard growing up knowing that u had no love and then when someone shows u love you try to sabotage it. It's very hard and me and my partner are seeking help I love her more than life and want her to be happy so I hope I can change .
I’m in a relationship with a sometimes avoidant person and your description of this is helping me calm down so much. Thank you.
THANK YOU!! This is really spot-on! The person I know has very strong boundaries. Very controlled on when we can see each other how we can see each other and also I don't go to his house he doesn't go to mine. It does feel like a business transaction I have no idea what to do. As we get closer suddenly he gets distant and then comes back and it's like two steps backwards. I used to be anxious attachment and now it is kind of making me a little stronger but I need that closeness and I don't know how to get it or if I ever will. I never chase him, I let him do as he wishes however I'm not living the rest of my life feeling alone. Any help from you Ryan would be appreciated.
I'm have Dissmisive Avoidant attachment and I agree with what you said in the video. However when you mentioned that DAs who are aware that they are DA will try and make up for it by showering their S/O with gifts or maybe fo housework you phrased it in way that would suggest that we are doing this to avoid conversation and I agree nut I have to add that personally when I do that, it is because I know that I'm not ready to be intimate or have intimate conversations with my partner. I can't give that to them right now and I recognize that so I try to express my affection in other ways. Ways that I'm comfortable with. This may be packing them lunch, buying gifts and so forth. I do this because I'm aware that I can be neglectful but I'm trying to love them in a way that isn't terrifying to me and doesn't feel like my boundaries are being threatened.
I don't know if this is true for other avoidants but I'm trying to be secure and I do this to try and meet the other persons needs.
I think I'm lucky, being an avoidant I've never ended up in a relationship with an anxious preoccupied person. I usually turn them away if they try to see or talk to me too often before we get into a relationship. I think the guys I've been with were mostly secure but with a little bit of avoidant and slight anxiousness in there.
I think I switch to anxious if someone starts to avoid me after I've already strong feelings for them (not fully anxious as I still avoid emotional and physical intimacy, it's just them not doing what they used to and I end up not feeling secure anymore as they're no longer consistent) but it doesn't last long as I usually return to dismissive since they've confirmed what I suspected they'd do. I've realized me being dismissive has gotten worse as I got older.
I'm glad that I've started to learn about this, so I still have hope that I can change before it gets any worse.
Awesome, you just described my ex-girlfriend and pretty much the reasons why it didn't work out. Had I known all of this a few years ago I think the situation may have turned out differently. Thanks for the great video and explanations. This explains a lot of her behavior. And of course me pushing for intimacy didn't help things! 😵
These videos have been life changing revelations. Thank you.
Thank you for the valuable information I thought I was going nuts!
Today I was diagnosed with this and it clarified so much doubt I’ve had throughout my life. Thank you for this video.
You are one of the best at describing the inns and outs of this. I watched probably the top five mental health people on RUclips for the past couple of years none of them have given the insight that you have. I have a few favorites of course but you have excellent intuition and communication and know what it is that we need to hear. You’re going to be a big hit
Thank you SO much! I've been so confused for the last few weeks to which my attachment style is and which is my partners. It's so clear now with your real examples that he is the avoidant and I'm the anxious.. I'm so grateful for this amazing video!
Ryan, I love how you explain it. I work with clients and their relationships with a focus in attachment and I will be sharing your videos. ❤️ amazing.
Yes, video games every single night. Housemates. At first, I tried be positive about this extra freedom as something up my alley since I was an independent person myself. It just doesn't work. You start to feel very single.
Ew. That’s me 😔
So glad I never got the to point of living with my ex. It would’ve been ridiculous, she’d have wanted separate rooms! So easily overwhelmed by closeness. Just did practical stuff but I need physical intimacy and quality time. Sexually unfulfilling. Really draining!
Omg. THANK YOU. I HAVE FELT LIKE IT WAS ME ALL ALONG.
I was dismissive avoidant but changed to a fearful or anxious avoidant near the end of my relationship and she became dismissive avoidant. She distanced herself totally and didn't like my attention and was always on a screen. She blames me for her lack of connection with me because that was part of her inner dialog. It was her projecting her inner world onto me in order to justify her feelings.
Best explanation I’ve ever heard. Spot in! New sub
Hey Ryan. I hope you would reply to this. I am a textbook avoidant and have been avoidant in all my relationships. But I met this guy who is more avoidant than I am and I notice that I'm suddenly acting anxious. This has never happened before. I text him constantly and expect detailed and big responses. But all I get is one word answers. I also happen to know that this anxious side of me will eventually give in to my usual dismissive so I don't want to prematurely break this off. Can you make a video about two avoidants in a relationship? For background we met through a dating app and both of us connected due to our so many common yet very peculiar interests.
Love your videos!! Any pre warning tips/signs? Like for the first two weeks to a month or two so you know not to get involved beyond friends. Met online and now realize he lied about not needing a lot of space. I experienced this before so it was a hot point for me. He is WORSE than the last yet claimed he didnt need a ton of space from partners. 6mo later, left in the dark for a month....a few texts here and there claiming needing time and space but that he still wants to see me. Now I'm being 100% ghosted and told he needs space, space. Yet he was hanging with others JUST fine. I confronted him after holding things in and he shut down. I'm thinking maybe that's what he wanted - so to end it. So tired of ending up with this type. I am working on being the more secure type. Two Dismissives in a row has broken me down, to being anxious preoccupied - when I used to be the secure type. And they project saying I'm into drama. They cause these landmines I think to create distance. I take and take and go along keeping the peace, till I have to confront them.So all in all, I want to Avoid this type - no pun intended ( maybe a lil);)
The breathing on your neck is spot on and that's probably why I've never been in any relationship
Wait i'm avoidant! 😱 "oh crap" I mean i suspected it but. Hearing all theese traits is new. I just tought I was a cold unkind, hopless person. Witch feels weird since I genarly love my partner. But still have moments when I just wanna hide in the bathroom and reflect in peace. For myself and by myself.
Fantastic video Ryan! So informative and spot on - thank you!
I am 60 years old and always have been quiet independent. But just now I see, the relationships I had were every time with an avoidant person. I think, because I was someone who could handel their own fear, troubles, problems on my own, these avoidant person stays with me for years and years. But: What does this say about me? To be honest, I never felt really wanted and this was normal for me.
Thank you very much, Ryan. Really love your videos, so easy to understand. I can relate to almost all of the examples that you mention in this video. My long term partner has changed from secure to avoidant all of a sudden over the last year. I always wonder why this happened, considering nothing major happened to us and we rarely argue. Watching this video makes me hopeful that one day, some day, she would switch back from avoidant to secure.
Deedee Cheung it’s not that he went from secure to avoidant. He was always avoidant but you saw the secure mask and mistook it as such.
Absolutely brilliant. Touché to you.
Bang on!!
Great explanation of this attachment style
It’s weird I have borderline personality disorder and I can honestly identify a lot with this style and the preoccupied attachment style
I like your honesty
wow last time I looked you had like 300 subscribers !
Great job. Thanks 🙂
This is my husband 😓
I truly think avoider shouldn't get married because they will cause their partner and children live in hell. the family couldn't get any support but keep on giving out the kind of love they need. ex: when they need a hug they will get one. but when the partner need a hug they won't co-up.because they don't want to make it become a rutin. the partner will develop fear of love and would never trust people in the end. hope avoided can live on their own, do not enter any relationship. just live on your own. please.
I feel like iv been like this in my last relationship 😕 doh!
I’m thinking it’s no surprise why it’s difficult to try to reconnect with my avoidant ex. He’s put up strong walls and sees me casually and admits he has a hard time trusting and feels incapable. He remains alone. I don’t know what to do differently- give him more space or will that just be fine with him? He’d probably feel relieved.
I have been with an avoidant partner before, I think the best thing you can do is to make them trust you on small things first, and then they will trust you more and more, the second best thing to do (and I am sorry if it sounds bad), don’t be in that relationship, because even when they trust you more they will still keeping more boundaries, but if you are okay with that it’s no problem!
This is sooo true about my ex. Wow
Accurate
I have a weird question.... I've been stalked for over 5 yrs.... Never dated, nothing.... But he hacks into all my devices, gets into our home (my fiance and I).... I have a 50 yr restraining order.... And that hasn't helped whatsoever. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.