Excellent! Love the beginning =part of the problem. A life coach once suggested that we treat ourselves as though we are dating ourselves. When a decision must be made, I ask myself how I would treat someone I was dating, then treat myself that way. Self Love.
I am alone for the first time in my life. I have always just let people do what they want to me. And I loved them unconditionally. I hate the way I feel. I cry every day. I have no one other than my adult daughter who I don't want to burden with my problems. It's scary and depressing.
Jen Davis: yes, it's like you don't want to be blamed as a "troublemaker" for asserting your rights as a human being, because of the lifetime of Gaslighting abuse and labeling. And they also tell you that you're weak, for showing that you don't like the way you're treated, like you "can't take it."
The crying is healthy. It's you releasing your pain. Maybe ask your daughters permission to speak to her and explain why. Linking unconditionally means that. We as co dependent people think we will recieve love from others if we give it. That's not unconditional. First think what your inner selves, and I mean all those images of you that are from the times when you felt trauma and or abandonment, would like from you. Talk to them, yourself and reward that need before giving away any more love.
Hi Jen Davis we can hear you and I will be glad of talking about it. We are all in this. I feel exactly as you said. It is horrible. Please let me know if we can chat via instagram o Twitter or wherever
Thank you once again Ross for the insightful video. .I agree, codependency is an appalling descriptive word and it is shaming to call ourselves that. Your brilliance in your area of expertise helps so many of us.
Glad it was helpful Steven! If you are interested you can find the complete seminar in Ross's website at www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Thanks for sharing Jen! If interested, you can find Ross's complete seminar here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Glad you liked it! If you are interested, Ross's complete seminar on this subject can be found: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Amen RossI think this is a new leg of my recovery that I really have to dive into understanding narcissism and my relationship to it but the codependent end which I never saw at home
You are describing me. The lonliness is excruciating. When I'm being held by a guy it's like a drug and I'm on cloud 9 but when it ends it gets worse. In a relationship I need constant contact in order feel secure. I can barely do anything without that security.
I am committing myself to this for all moving forward. Thank you thank you again I just stumbled over your site. This is my key and will learn and teach.
Dear Mr. Rosenberg, first I want to thank you for this work that you have contributed to our collective wellbeing. Secondly, I applaud the “magic” that occurs at the 11:01 minute mark. On my screen you appear to walk behind the layered triangle image displayed, I am sure my reaction is exaggerated due to the emotionality of the topic, nonetheless I am beyond amused! Thank you, kind Sir...
This is (in my opinion) the best teaching you've done I had figured out I have this SLDD from past but never put together the 4 husbands & their being narcissistic ( I called it I-wanna-mommy sindrom) & the fact that my own mother never really cared about me or my sister. Now how do I learn how to care about myself?
If you had problems in every one of those four relationships, is it possible that the problem might lie on your end? Are you attracted to narcissists? Do you find normal men boring? Sorry, don’t mean to put you in a corner, just trying to understand.
I believe all us listeners have this concern. A life coach once suggested that I treat myself as though I’m dating myself= treat myself that special! That blew my mind. Also... there’s a book out there called codependent no more. Definitely a ‘must read’.
Thank you for your interest. You can find the complete video seminar here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
How is SLDD different from DPD (dependent personality disorder)? Theoretically do you think SLDD a cluster b disorder (as DPD is cluster c - & I'm assuming DPD does not equate to SLDD).
I identified and know that if I don’t get help and recover I will die! I’m in yet another codependant relationship. I was sooooo frustrated at the end as I want to know the solution where to go .... are there treatment centers that seal with this? Please let me know.
I love Ross's videos and his book and seminars are great. I've been trying to understand something. Could HMS be more about a specific relationship's dynamics rather than the individuals? For example my diagnosed Schizoid father is the SLD in his relationship to my diagnosed BPD / Narc mother but he is Narc in his relationship to my brother and I. It seems like someone can be e.g. a SLD -2 with a Narc +2 in one relationship, but in a different relationship they might be Narc +1 with someone who is SDL -1. Or perhaps in cases of people with a split ego / lacking whole object relations they are SLD -5 when one part unit is activated and Narc +5 when the other is?
I am realizing that co-dependency and narcissism are two sides of the same side of the coin. I am the SLD and my wife the narc, but I have done to her many of the things people accuse the narc of doing. I have lied, gas-lit, raged, triangulated, etc. So I agree with your hypothesis.
My therapist see's my loneliness, but just wants me to find new friends. And then calls me a "victim" because looking for friends doesn't feel safe. Since she doesn't get it I feel more lonely!!! I dont know what to do.
I have SLDD but my parents were great. My mom and dad are both selfless people. Obviously not perfect people but I never once questioned their love for me. However I constantly talk down to myself and when I get compliments I get very uncomfortable and justify why I am undeserving of the complement by bringing up all the bad things I’ve done in the past. I have anxiety which I medicate with alcohol. when good things happen to me, I feel undeserving and instantly think it’s too good to be true and it’s a set up for something bad to happen to me. I wanna know what the hell happened to me because this isn’t normal. Worst of all I see these traits developing in my 8 year old son whom I adore but did have him with a narcissistic woman.
the exact same for me here. im 24 and i think have SLDD. everything he said was true for me, with that lonely ache inside that i think is just " background noise" from my life... idk what to do
I’m sorry but that is not possible! You were an innocent newborn baby and was NOT born with SLDD. That came from your family of origin, from the way they raised you. The fact that you think your parents are awesome and completely selfless, only shows the depth of gaslighting you’ve been put through. WOW! Really, wow!
@@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 the thing is my parents have multiple long term friendships and are looked at by extended family as the council and voice of reason when it comes to familh matters. They both worked long hours at low paying jobs my whole life yet adopted 2 children before i was even born. My parents never speak highly of themselves, it is strangers thay i meet who knew my parents that speak highly of them. These are well respected people in the community whom live a quiet life and never seek attention or praise. My only heory is something happened to me from my babysitters. They worked to provide for us so i was cared for by other people more than my own parents. If i was the only one that held my parents in high regard i would see your point but they are respected and looked up to dor guidance by friends, family, and community. It had to have been a baby sitter that fucked me up. My parents are too humble, loving and honest to be the perpetrators.
Dear Dr. Rosenberg, I really have a problem with these definitions: codependent and narcissism. I fell like a combination of both of them. I am from years in a relationship with an addicted person. I cared a lot about him, I totally put his needs before mine. I try and I tried to please him. So it sounds like classical codependency. But at the same time, I am very centered in myself, now he is in the recovery process and when he stopped to need so much my help I started to criticize him like a narcissist and to try to model him in a way that I want. Actually, this never happens because he doesn't want to please me so much and we finish with discussion and the old model when I apologize for everything and I blame myself about everything. But even like this, I feel like a combination of both - codependency and narcissistic behavior. Is it possible? I am really confused???
I asked a therapist the same question. He said "No." Whereas most people have narcissistic characteristics, this behavior is an attempt by the codependent to even the playing field and gain back control. Boundaries were crossed so many times that when the codependent becomes aware of the non reciprocity, they will attempt to mirror the narcissist's behavior, hoping that the narcissist will be more receptive to it...but it often results in a gigantic gaslighing episode or abandonment of some kind.
No, I grew up with parents who never drank while I was growing up, my mother’s parents were alcoholics who abused each other so my mom would not allow alcohol in the house. Because of her childhood, she became way too controlling over me, her only child, and the minute I got out on my own in my late teens/early 20’s, I drank A LOT. I still drink, I’m now 47, I’m not an alcoholic, but I drink more than I probably should. And if I have more than one drink in front of my mom, she gives me her “evil eye”...still trying to control me, which brings out the rebel in me, unfortunately.
It would be helpful for. Me if I could hear you without the family as the issue. The government school rape allowances multigenerational. Because that’s where I struggle. Relating to the family doesn’t work for me. It was good to listen , I often have support groups with others maybe something you said relating to family can help some of them. Thank you.
Men can also be co-dependant. And it's more complicated when you're gay. In my humble estimation I think my mother was the narcissist because she belittled my father his entire life. I'm 60 btw.
It is possible. Live on your own, develop your own mind trough knowledge, I read and learned for years. Eventually it's became you. Basically I reprogram my own mind. What I've seen an absorbed as truth as a child was sh***. Stop expecting change in you by looking outside, you must go inside. Good luck
Cristina Acosta that is very true. I was married to a narc for 27 long years. However, being self love deficit, we put up with and fuel the Narc. That is harmful to us. So we need to heal so we do not subject ourselves to the mistreatment of a Narc again.
Токсичные отношения? Почему ощущение, что вы застряли в порочном треугольнике, не дает вам покоя... Быть запертым в токсичных отношениях может быть очень неприятно, но всегда есть способ вырваться и положить конец этому циклу. ... Вы не можете избавиться от человека, которого называете своим лучшим другом/мужем/женой, потому что вам необходимо его присутствие, чтобы чувствовать себя хорошо; вся ваша жизнь вращается вокруг этого человека...
There are many reasons to stay in a relationship. I think the general definition of “codependency “presumes that one would stay in a unhappy relationship only out of dysfunction and weakness. I don’t agree with that presumption. Regarding the doctors statement that the Partner of the narcissist is part of the problem implies the partner bears shared responsibility with the narcissist for the narcissist’s behavior. Thus, the narcissist would be able to change when that partner changed or left the relationship. It’s my observation narcissists and sociopaths, remain who they are regardless of who they partner.
It is true that narcissists will be who they are regardless who they are with, but it IS a codependent's problem that they are drawn to or stay in these relationships. Both are the problem. If there weren't codependents, narcissists wouldn't rule the world.
@@Alaina-w6y indeed, I accept I was part of the problem in my narcissistic relationships. Need to be needed since a child satisfying my Mum whom I believe was on narc spectrum. My identity was so formed then I became a nurse, I'm a hopeless case we not really as Dr Ross is helping me, one vid of his he called codependency an addiction, that shocked me to sit up and listen. Yes indeed definitely part of the unhealthy equation. Thanks for listening.
Hey Ross, thank you again for being you and helping. Now lose that jacket and tie. You're a sensitive communicator and don't need to wear those corporate things when you're communicating on a human level.
Thank you Dr. Rosenberg. You are so very helpful to us! God bless you sir!
You are very welcome Tracy!
Excellent! Love the beginning =part of the problem. A life coach once suggested that we treat ourselves as though we are dating ourselves. When a decision must be made, I ask myself how I would treat someone I was dating, then treat myself that way. Self Love.
Lol I'm taking myself shopping right now!
Well Jesus said "love your neighbor AS you love yourself," meaning treat yourself as well as you'd treat others.
@@SovereignStatesman I like that.
I almost cried when you explained the pyramid. Thank you so much for sharing this.
You are so welcome Pallavi.
For more information, you can find the complete video here: www.selfloverecovery.com/products/the-codependency-cure
I am alone for the first time in my life. I have always just let people do what they want to me. And I loved them unconditionally. I hate the way I feel. I cry every day. I have no one other than my adult daughter who I don't want to burden with my problems. It's scary and depressing.
Jen Davis: yes, it's like you don't want to be blamed as a "troublemaker" for asserting your rights as a human being, because of the lifetime of Gaslighting abuse and labeling.
And they also tell you that you're weak, for showing that you don't like the way you're treated, like you "can't take it."
The crying is healthy. It's you releasing your pain. Maybe ask your daughters permission to speak to her and explain why. Linking unconditionally means that. We as co dependent people think we will recieve love from others if we give it. That's not unconditional. First think what your inner selves, and I mean all those images of you that are from the times when you felt trauma and or abandonment, would like from you. Talk to them, yourself and reward that need before giving away any more love.
Continue forward is what I urge.blessings.
Hi Jen Davis we can hear you and I will be glad of talking about it. We are all in this. I feel exactly as you said. It is horrible. Please let me know if we can chat via instagram o Twitter or wherever
Your definition of codependency as SLDD has helped me understand what is going on in my relationship with the narc. It makes it so much clearer
So glad it was helpful Kris.
Thank you once again Ross for the insightful video. .I agree, codependency is an appalling descriptive word and it is shaming to call ourselves that. Your brilliance in your area of expertise helps so many of us.
You are very welcome Rosalind, thanks for the support
Thank you Ross, God bless👍💖
You are so welcome Pamela.
I was struggling to understand codependency but your (SLDD) explanation has put me at ease. I appreciate your work Ross and thanks again.
Glad it was helpful Steven! If you are interested you can find the complete seminar in Ross's website at www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Ross Rosenberg 👍
Your work on this is something I've followed for a long time. It affects me deeply. Thank you so much for your continued efforts.
You are very welcome.
Thank you so much. God bless you
You are so welcome!
Wish I had found years ago...many generations affected. Have now at 49yrs. Just stating my long journey back to self. Finally....
Thanks for sharing Jen! If interested, you can find Ross's complete seminar here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Excellent! I love your simple enlightening elaboration. Thank you Dr. Rosenberg.
Glad you liked it! If you are interested, Ross's complete seminar on this subject can be found: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
boom. Loneliness whilst in company is the worst type of sufferring
😥
Amen RossI think this is a new leg of my recovery that I really have to dive into understanding narcissism and my relationship to it but the codependent end which I never saw at home
You are describing me. The lonliness is excruciating. When I'm being held by a guy it's like a drug and I'm on cloud 9 but when it ends it gets worse. In a relationship I need constant contact in order feel secure. I can barely do anything without that security.
Very revealing and enlightening to say the least.thx.so much.blessings.
I am committing myself to this for all moving forward. Thank you thank you again I just stumbled over your site. This is my key and will learn and teach.
You are so welcome Jen!
Dear Mr. Rosenberg, first I want to thank you for this work that you have contributed to our collective wellbeing. Secondly, I applaud the “magic” that occurs at the 11:01 minute mark. On my screen you appear to walk behind the layered triangle image displayed, I am sure my reaction is exaggerated due to the emotionality of the topic, nonetheless I am beyond amused! Thank you, kind Sir...
This is (in my opinion) the best teaching you've done I had figured out I have this SLDD from past but never put together the 4 husbands & their being narcissistic ( I called it I-wanna-mommy sindrom) & the fact that my own mother never really cared about me or my sister. Now how do I learn how to care about myself?
If you had problems in every one of those four relationships, is it possible that the problem might lie on your end? Are you attracted to narcissists? Do you find normal men boring? Sorry, don’t mean to put you in a corner, just trying to understand.
I believe all us listeners have this concern. A life coach once suggested that I treat myself as though I’m dating myself= treat myself that special! That blew my mind. Also... there’s a book out there called codependent no more. Definitely a ‘must read’.
Wow you are amazing therapist
Thank you Terry! ☺
Thank you. Good stuff
Pure gold !!💯
Outstanding Dr Ross👏👍
Many thanks Cathy
Your videos and explanations are very helpful, thank you. :)
You're very welcome!
Thank you this really helped me today
Glad it helped CJ.
Alack of self love is the root cause of alö sifering
FINALLY SOMEONE EXPLAINED ME - TO ME!!!!!!! 😢😢😢😢😢
So right.
Very helpful.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you very much for this video, do you know where I can get the full 6 hour video?
Thank you for your interest. You can find the complete video seminar here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
I never forgot the event but it was only when I started getting flashbacks that I realised I only remembered it from the third person POV
How is SLDD different from DPD (dependent personality disorder)? Theoretically do you think SLDD a cluster b disorder (as DPD is cluster c - & I'm assuming DPD does not equate to SLDD).
What if you didn’t have a narcissist parent but still relate to the pyramid? Is there anything else that can cause attachment trauma?
I identified and know that if I don’t get help and recover I will die! I’m in yet another codependant relationship. I was sooooo frustrated at the end as I want to know the solution where to go .... are there treatment centers that seal with this? Please let me know.
There are more resources on Ross's website, please consider reviewing it: www.selfloverecovery.com/
Yes it's awful 💔
I love Ross's videos and his book and seminars are great. I've been trying to understand something. Could HMS be more about a specific relationship's dynamics rather than the individuals? For example my diagnosed Schizoid father is the SLD in his relationship to my diagnosed BPD / Narc mother but he is Narc in his relationship to my brother and I. It seems like someone can be e.g. a SLD -2 with a Narc +2 in one relationship, but in a different relationship they might be Narc +1 with someone who is SDL -1. Or perhaps in cases of people with a split ego / lacking whole object relations they are SLD -5 when one part unit is activated and Narc +5 when the other is?
I am realizing that co-dependency and narcissism are two sides of the same side of the coin. I am the SLD and my wife the narc, but I have done to her many of the things people accuse the narc of doing. I have lied, gas-lit, raged, triangulated, etc. So I agree with your hypothesis.
Nice video my friend 👍🤗❤🔔 LIKE
Thank you!
My therapist see's my loneliness, but just wants me to find new friends. And then calls me a "victim" because looking for friends doesn't feel safe. Since she doesn't get it I feel more lonely!!! I dont know what to do.
I have SLDD but my parents were great. My mom and dad are both selfless people. Obviously not perfect people but I never once questioned their love for me. However I constantly talk down to myself and when I get compliments I get very uncomfortable and justify why I am undeserving of the complement by bringing up all the bad things I’ve done in the past. I have anxiety which I medicate with alcohol. when good things happen to me, I feel undeserving and instantly think it’s too good to be true and it’s a set up for something bad to happen to me. I wanna know what the hell happened to me because this isn’t normal. Worst of all I see these traits developing in my 8 year old son whom I adore but did have him with a narcissistic woman.
the exact same for me here. im 24 and i think have SLDD. everything he said was true for me, with that lonely ache inside that i think is just " background noise" from my life... idk what to do
I’m sorry but that is not possible! You were an innocent newborn baby and was NOT born with SLDD. That came from your family of origin, from the way they raised you.
The fact that you think your parents are awesome and completely selfless, only shows the depth of gaslighting you’ve been put through.
WOW! Really, wow!
@@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 the thing is my parents have multiple long term friendships and are looked at by extended family as the council and voice of reason when it comes to familh matters. They both worked long hours at low paying jobs my whole life yet adopted 2 children before i was even born. My parents never speak highly of themselves, it is strangers thay i meet who knew my parents that speak highly of them. These are well respected people in the community whom live a quiet life and never seek attention or praise. My only heory is something happened to me from my babysitters. They worked to provide for us so i was cared for by other people more than my own parents. If i was the only one that held my parents in high regard i would see your point but they are respected and looked up to dor guidance by friends, family, and community. It had to have been a baby sitter that fucked me up. My parents are too humble, loving and honest to be the perpetrators.
Dear Dr. Rosenberg, I really have a problem with these definitions: codependent and narcissism. I fell like a combination of both of them. I am from years in a relationship with an addicted person. I cared a lot about him, I totally put his needs before mine. I try and I tried to please him. So it sounds like classical codependency. But at the same time, I am very centered in myself, now he is in the recovery process and when he stopped to need so much my help I started to criticize him like a narcissist and to try to model him in a way that I want. Actually, this never happens because he doesn't want to please me so much and we finish with discussion and the old model when I apologize for everything and I blame myself about everything. But even like this, I feel like a combination of both - codependency and narcissistic behavior. Is it possible? I am really confused???
I asked a therapist the same question. He said "No." Whereas most people have narcissistic characteristics, this behavior is an attempt by the codependent to even the playing field and gain back control. Boundaries were crossed so many times that when the codependent becomes aware of the non reciprocity, they will attempt to mirror the narcissist's behavior, hoping that the narcissist will be more receptive to it...but it often results in a gigantic gaslighing episode or abandonment of some kind.
Having had a alcohol problem with parents who drank heavily I wonder if parents don't drink at all can the children grow and generally never drink?
No, I grew up with parents who never drank while I was growing up, my mother’s parents were alcoholics who abused each other so my mom would not allow alcohol in the house. Because of her childhood, she became way too controlling over me, her only child, and the minute I got out on my own in my late teens/early 20’s, I drank A LOT. I still drink, I’m now 47, I’m not an alcoholic, but I drink more than I probably should. And if I have more than one drink in front of my mom, she gives me her “evil eye”...still trying to control me, which brings out the rebel in me, unfortunately.
Yes absolutely there's no skiptisism on that....
What if both parents are alcoholic?
It would be helpful for. Me if I could hear you without the family as the issue. The government school rape allowances multigenerational. Because that’s where I struggle. Relating to the family doesn’t work for me. It was good to listen , I often have support groups with others maybe something you said relating to family can help some of them. Thank you.
I don't know what my partner is going to do.
Men can also be co-dependant. And it's more complicated when you're gay. In my humble estimation I think my mother was the narcissist because she belittled my father his entire life. I'm 60 btw.
How common is it for a recovering narcissist to become a codependent in order to "medicate" their own problem of shame?
I hate that co dependent word too sounds like it blames the person for being a clining vine or something
💯💯💯💯👌👌👌❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hi
So to heal get into a healthy relationship with someone who’s not a narcissist?
@Jenny M you should check out melanie tonia Evan's she helped me heal my childhood wounds.
EMDR sound therapy. Works for me.
Jenny M look for the crappy childhood fairy on RUclips.
It is possible. Live on your own, develop your own mind trough knowledge, I read and learned for years. Eventually it's became you. Basically I reprogram my own mind. What I've seen an absorbed as truth as a child was sh***. Stop expecting change in you by looking outside, you must go inside. Good luck
Him: You’re not a victim, you’re part of the problem...bc of the attachment trauma experienced as a child. Me: Fawk. Dead.
Me 😶🥺🤯
ok too cool for school
Yeah. Fawk.
The narcissist I had married is a narcissist with or without my presence.
Cristina Acosta that is very true. I was married to a narc for 27 long years. However, being self love deficit, we put up with and fuel the Narc. That is harmful to us. So we need to heal so we do not subject ourselves to the mistreatment of a Narc again.
Токсичные отношения? Почему ощущение, что вы застряли в порочном треугольнике, не дает вам покоя... Быть запертым в токсичных отношениях может быть очень неприятно, но всегда есть способ вырваться и положить конец этому циклу. ... Вы не можете избавиться от человека, которого называете своим лучшим другом/мужем/женой, потому что вам необходимо его присутствие, чтобы чувствовать себя хорошо; вся ваша жизнь вращается вокруг этого человека...
There are many reasons to stay in a relationship. I think the general definition of “codependency “presumes that one would stay in a unhappy relationship only out of dysfunction and weakness. I don’t agree with that presumption. Regarding the doctors statement that the Partner of the narcissist is part of the problem implies the partner bears shared responsibility with the narcissist for the narcissist’s behavior. Thus, the narcissist would be able to change when that partner changed or left the relationship. It’s my observation narcissists and sociopaths, remain who they are regardless of who they partner.
It is true that narcissists will be who they are regardless who they are with, but it IS a codependent's problem that they are drawn to or stay in these relationships. Both are the problem. If there weren't codependents, narcissists wouldn't rule the world.
@@Alaina-w6y indeed, I accept I was part of the problem in my narcissistic relationships. Need to be needed since a child satisfying my Mum whom I believe was on narc spectrum. My identity was so formed then I became a nurse, I'm a hopeless case we not really as Dr Ross is helping me, one vid of his he called codependency an addiction, that shocked me to sit up and listen. Yes indeed definitely part of the unhealthy equation. Thanks for listening.
Hey Ross, thank you again for being you and helping. Now lose that jacket and tie. You're a sensitive communicator and don't need to wear those corporate things when you're communicating on a human level.