Ross Rosenberg Hi, i wanted to know why in a codependent and narcissistic relationship, the codependent always end up feeling needy, insecure and shaken up in the presence of the narcissist. Whilst,when not in the presence of the narcissist, the recovered codependent is able to function in a healthy way.
Rui ni Maybe body or cellular memory. Your body recognizes a certain energy or feeling when in the presence of a stimulus that triggers memories that make you feel uncomfortable. Your body is reacting & responding to an old familiar pattern that has not fully healed. It's a broken part of us that needs to be cared for. Fill it with love & nurture it with healing, forgiveness & compassion.
+Rui ni the theory is that these are the precise feelings a person with narcissism cannot tolerate/deal with in themselves so they push it on/transfer it to the other. it's how the damage is done.
Im in stage 2. Ive lost my whole family, and am starting to accept it. I won’t lie, it’s tough but I don’t ever want to go back to that dysfunctional and sick family model.
Yep, exactly. I lost everyone and everything as well but that's a good sign. Shed the dead skin cells so to speak. Take care of ourselves. Those who have heart and are able or at least willing to respect you, will understand. The only reason we have to put boundaries in place is because we feel and are aware of everything around us and none to protect us from the lions and.wolves in this world. They then try to attack and make it seem that we are the bad guys but it's us good guys who feel the ugliness of their actions and want to not get messed up with them. Thank God we have control over our own lives.
I choose to do no contact with mom and sister bc my boundaries mean absolutely NOTHING to them . It's almost like they do it on purpose. They laugh at boundaries. This is the 2nd time of no contact and I have to say both times I have never been happier or healthier. Wish I would have done this along time ago.
Coming to awareness about being codependent has been one of the greatest gifts of God in my life. I kept asking Him why I had those horrible urges to be with people that abuse me or treat me bad and why I had so much anxiety during relationships. It has changed my life to know all I'd feel and do has a name and I'm able to treat it. It took a relationship with a bpd to help me realize I'm a codependent but I'm now 30. A 3 year marriage with a narcissist 8 years ago didn't do this lol.
That was one of the first things my therapist told me once we started working on healing codependency! He said “beware, people are not gonna like this; starting with your parents”. He was absolutely right. None of my business anymore. If having boundaries and self respect means losing people in the process, then be it.
None of people around me liked this. None!! They all thought that i didn't love them. Actually, they don't know that actually THEY are who don't know how to love healthly and not on a parasitic way. I'm having a withdrawal this period but i know i can make it in the future
Rediscovered a new love and strength within myself. Lost everyone, but as long as I have myself, I'll be OK. I don't need anybody to make me happy or make me feel loved.
Role-playing is good. My therapist did it with me. After I went to counselling & did my work on myself my partner said they did not know me anymore, that I was a stranger to them because when they pushed the same buttons my reaction was totally different. Best to let the significant-other end the relationship, much less drama this way & much safer too.
ha... i lost everybody. i found out i was surrounded only by bpd npd narcs jackals clinger ons etc. alone again, naturally. i hv to rebuild my entire life as though i am a small child; this time knowing red flags and avoiding the toxic ppl and maintaining boundaries. the problem is i now trust NOBODY! I spend most of my time alone. i am rather aloof. and for now, I'm cool with that.
xrisku this is similar to what happens when you get abstainant from an addiction too. The ppl who like you drunk/high/overeating can't adjust to the new you.
Thank God for you Ross!!!!!! After listening to your book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" I set boundaries, and the backlash has been BRUTAL. Thank you so much for this - without knowing why I shouldn't give in, (other than MY "gut") and futilely reaching out for help, this message has given me HOPE to keep with the boundaries I have set. THANK GOD FOR YOU!!!!!
to make a long story short, I had gone to a psychologist because they called me crazy and a narcissist. I cried and broke down and had thought I was a narcissist, and usually there's "no cure" for narcissism" I had found out I was codependent.
Lorettamarie G me too! I still worry that I'm a narcissist, but I just have to keep reminding myself the facts, the things I know about myself that prove I'm not a narcissist. It helps to write them down, so you don't leave anything out.
@@olivest509 I get accused of being one...and so much more. It's crazy making. But ...narcissists have no heart...I know I care so I know I'm not one ...they will project onto you
Thank you Dr Rosenberg. Your videos are truly healing by helping me understand myself better rather than blaming the narcissits & manipulators that I always tend to attract.
After 15 years of a relationship that I feel has drained me emotionally and honestly physically as well I finally found the validation that I wasn't "crazy" or wrong with my suspicions and fears. I was embarrassed to address my pain by talking with friends because I couldn't figure out why I was accepting the treatment he gave me. I thought of myself as an intelligent and good person and yet I had never knew what a narcissistic person was. I'd heard the term but didn't know the depth it could be or the red flags. Once I did it was so enlighting I felt a great weight off my heart to know I wasn't all alone and I understand more every day. It's a long way back and it's very difficult to come to terms with it. I don't want to "relapse". Thank you Mr. Rosenberg for your helpful videos. I have a couple of others I follow to get different perspective but I'm grateful you all are out there. Thank you.
I know exactly what you are saying Angela. For 19 years I accepted bread crumbs completely unaware I was in a relationship with a narcissist because I had no knowledge or understanding of narcissism. Without knowledge red flags aren't red and maybe not even flags. I was both relieved and bewildered upon discovering the man I spent the last 19 years of my life with was a narcissist. Education is so important as it may be the only way to stop these preditors in their tracks. Thank you Ròss for your help in educating others. Knowledge is power!
@@narcdramaunwanted4291 Yes. I have experienced this also. I don't go out of my way to maintain any relationship any more, including friendships. I used to do this a lot, since my friendships and relationships meant the world to me. I felt more alive and less weak. But looking back, it was my codependency at work and that "extra" effort I put in was people pleasing. I am less concerned about how others feel and more aware of what's going on with me. This inevitably leads to less people pleasing and thus the people who used to be people-pleased by me no longer get their needs met. They probably feel that our interaction feels "flat." This is fine by me since I feel healthier. I don't feel the rollercoaster rides I used to with people.
@@leefroml.a.8679 Yes,agree with you.And its the same here,those people I "pleased" has found new "sources" anywhere. No I work hard for to handle lifes ups and down as best I can🤗,take control over my life and take care of my self💛.
Awww me too im nearly at the end stronger everyday , off anti depressant and weed and praying for the people who done what they done because i was part of it x
26 months and counting, Im detached now but the bullying is still hard. This is a very good summary of the process. Im glad I didnt know before I started.
Sometimes the problems are so deep that only a complete, permanent separation will work. Ross talks about "childhood issues" but does not mention "genetic mental health issues. I come from a family that has had "bi-polar" type issues for five generations. that I personally know about. More than 70% of my family members have been directly affected during the 5 generations I know about. Those of us that have been lucky in the "gene pool lottery" have had to deal with unbelievable problems with our loved ones. I am almost 70 years old. For the sake of my own sanity I have had to go "no contact" with my entire family. I am in the last part of my life. For me, going "no contact" is the only path to a peaceful, happy life.
Gale Wagner this is inspiring, thank you for sharing your personal path to freedom. I have a question that I hope is not too intrusive; have you forgiven your family?
@@beam8250 I think you have to be careful with “forgiving your family “. If you do that too soon in the building of strong boundaries you could be acquiescing, you could be letting them walk all over you again. You have to see which members of the family press your buttons and trigger you the most. I am learning too (at 68 yrs old) to stay alert to the manipulation of family …and friends …who will try to get you to cave in. It’s all very challenging. Inner peace is an unfamiliar state so you have to give yourself permission to have inner peace!! These are my own to findings
I am going through this right now and I didn't know there was a name for it. I was married to a Narcissist for 10 yrs and divorced for 3. Currently I'm setting boundaries with my children and my parents. My 13 year old is angry and blames me for everything and my mom won't talk to me, but I know I will be much healthier in the long run and so will my children. Thank you for the video so I know this is a normal process of boundary setting!
Ross, you’re work has been critical to my recovery. Thank you. I find myself wincing internally when you say “we therapists”. I’ve been let down over and over and over and over and over again by therapists who don’t have the slightest clue about what you talk about. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who understands this stuff bedsides you. (I’ve been seeing therapists on and off for over 15 years and even have a degree in holistic medicine). Where are these other therapists who have any clue about this stuff? I was hammered nearly to death (literally) and sucked dry by narcissists and have been on the edge of homelessness for years because when I started standing up for myself there was no one there to support me and tell me to keep going. I lost my home in this way. A person can get into some really bad situations by starting to stand up and then giving in to the narcissistic injury and their reactionary behavior. The truth is that people do what’s easiest for them and if a person doesn’t know how to stand up for themselves, other people will gladly take advantage or in bad scenarios, go bezerk with vicious narcissistic behavior. At the same time, religious and/or spiritual doctrines can be exceedingly dangerous for the codependent. Love everyone; turn the other cheek; be like Christ; see the basic goodness in everyone. I naively tried to be a “good” person my whole life and was just getting raped in the process. What’s missing from those spiritual directives is: WATCH OUT FOR THE DANGEROUS MOTHERF&&+#*S - ONE OF WHICH MIGHT BE YOUR PARENT. I wish someone had taught me that as a young man. Anyway, there’s no one in my life now as I take time to attach to myself for the first time in my life. It’s hard but I’m starting to heal faster and faster. It’s gaining momentum and the worst pain of all - self abandonment is happening less and less. Your book helped me out of the darkest pit - simply by illuminating the codep/narc dynamic. That was the missing link that I hadn’t found anywhere else - and believe me I had looked EVERYWHERE. I recently heard an analogy that I find very helpful: a codependent is a glass full of water. A narc is an empty glass. The insanity of codependency is to pour the water into the empty glass and then spend all your time trying to experience the water in that other glass. The healing is to learn to stop pouring your own water into empty glasses. I find that to be a helpful analogy. Growing up with a narcissist, we don’t have our self-worth reflected back to us; we are never taught to experience and be comfortable in the “water” in our own glass.
Thats exactly it...my self worth is NEVER seen ..yet I have experienced the lack of what I give so freely...so it's confusing to me that they don't see the worth of my efforts
I got a restraining order against my husband of 18 years, 9 months ago. I’m in the last stage, so much happier! You’re so right on about these 4 stages, and it’s the first time I’ve heard this information; thank you! The 1st stage was hell on earth, but Ive made it through the first 3. Not looking back!
Thanks Ross. I am at the point where I have been emotionally discarded after finally setting boundaries. It's so hard when you realize that keeping the boundary means losing the person you love. So hard. It's hard to see the possibles payoff at this point. I'm trying to be brave and have faith.
Listening to you explain the things in my life that I never had words for gives me hope as I walk a path of recovery. The 1st thing I get asked or told by clients is how can you help me if you havnt been there. Hearing honesty is what I believe is all that they want. Thank you for being that voice..peace in
+Nae Ru : Well, I do sleep with the lights on yet 😐. I have had to relisten to the three stages a couple of times. The worst part is having the kids hate me. I feel he has gone behind my back to garner support for himself. I need to remember they are hurt too. They are working through it great. I have the best two kids. I am strong, and the best part is I am remembering my old self.
Yes! Trust in the Lord, not man! Psalms 118:8-17, Micah 7:5 That was my problem, allowing others to be the Conductor of my Train! When I threw everybody off the Train, I had a peaceful trip! Actually, some threw themselves off!!!
I believe that utilizing as many different aspects to help is the most beneficial. I started with my spiritual connection to the Lord and was guided to different areas that were helpful in different ways. that helped heal me on many different levels.
This really helps. I don’t really understand why anyone thinks they have the right to get angry at someone else for asserting the right to live happily on the planet, but it happens. So sick to attack someone for the boundaries they need for their mental and physical health.
I definitely struggled with codependency in the past. I didn't feel like I could fully express who I was and so I hid my true self. It wasn't until I experienced several painful relationships that I realized something needed. The 2 biggest things that helped me was getting connected to a God of my understanding and healing the emotional wounds from my childhood. Thank you for your wisdom!!
Today I realized that by the grace of God and Earth angels like your self I've arrived on the other side of a life of abuse not sure if I want to laugh or cry it's been a long journey I'm so glad I don't have to allow ppl to abuse me anymore bitter sweet moment indeed I feel like for once in my life I finished something I don't remember a time I could honestly say that I love the person in the mirror instead of avoiding one that misunderstood little boy instead of me is finally free I want to say thank you for what you do I know life is only gonna get better I pray God blesses you and the other channels because without ppl like you all I'd still be a empty shell again thank u
I'm 32 years' and I have only very dated covert and overt narcissists, I did not understand why I was always the common factor in these horrible relationships. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad a serial cheater. I know understand that I need to heal myself. I just broke up with my latest narcissistic boyfriend and what I feel is beyond pain. I miss him terribly but I am committed to healing and attracting normal and healthy relationships.
Your intros are so groovy lol I love listening to you and how you explain things. It has helped me so much in my recovery and self love journey! Thank you Sir!
I went no contact and cut it out cold turkey. I found the first 3 mo ths to be the absolute hardest. But this last month has been so much better. Its as if the healing is on double speed now. I know its a journey. I just NEVER thought I could be where i am now, and it has just been a handful of months.
I just wait for the moment, when I do not have to face those narcissists any more and can create better friendships. That is my life-dream! The day I'll experience it will be the happiest day in my life! I just realized, how much time and energy these kind of people have stolen from me. For example now I use this much time listening to these videos and try to understand, what happened, instead that I could effectively concentrate ON MY WORK AND THINGS I LOVE TO DO! I hate this waist of time, this empty feeling they leave behind and I hate that I have ever accepted this kind of people to come in my lie - even to my home!!! They are like flies, bugs, flying around and irritating you and you can not catch them. They always see the big view with their big eyes and fly away, when you try to catch them - yet they come back again to make disturbance..
Since I'm a -5 or -4 co-dependent I can only do no contact as a boundary with narcs. So far I'm no contact with husband, sister, a friend, and grey rock with my elderly mother. I recently became friends with a co-dependent lady and I've had to set boundaries with her so I don't get sucked into her self-created dramas. Interesting for me to observe not absorb her chaos. It's helping me to learn. Sometimes I get triggered by not having help when I need it and I lash out at my kids. It's one of the greatest wounds I've suffered from narc abuse. I really want to heal that wound so I don't hurt my kids with my outbursts. The neglect has hurt me more than anything. It began with narc mom and continued with every romantic partner. I'm reading the Human Magnet and realize every LTR with with a manipulator because they were exciting and non-manipulators are boring to me. So I'm only attracted to people who will neglect me and then my challenge is to get them to love and appreciate me. How exhausting! And they never do BTW.
Ross...I am 8 months into this journey. I am sitting here listening to this. You are spot on. This is MY experience. I cannot thank you enough. Your dedication to this awful abuse has saved my life. Your knowledge has given me my life back. I could not have done this without you. Thank you.. Thank you...I am free because of your help!!
Thank You. The hope of my family's boundaries and adult teens hanging out with narc dad after 5yrs. I'm entering codependency empath knowledge. Thank you!
I'm 24 and I have no support.... I've been no contact since mid august. My narc mother came to my house yesterday and today trying to groom my daughter with clothing sizes far too small for her. I politely told her she wasn't coming into my house, then I cried and screamed into a pillow once I closed the door😥
Hang in there...you are fighting to keep your boundaries, and it can be so hard at first. Maybe you could benefit from seeking professional help to aid you in your process. I really hope you're feeling better.
eyeliner tears I've known Ive been a co-d since marriage counseling 2 yrs ago . What I DIDN'T realize until right now (literally) is that my mother is and was the first narcissistic influence on me . Interestingly --has been calling daily with her plan to "save me " from my CN spouse by having me move in with her . Despite me saying repetitively "I don't want to live WITH you and your significant other " (nicely of course bc upsetting her is never good -- right? 😉. I almost made the fatal error of giving in bc it HAS to be better than where I am now . She has been ill and I have been rushing to her side for over ten yrs caring for her . THIS IS WHY she wants me there ... duh? ESP since she NEVER rocks the boat with her sig other , yet expects me to sponge bathe and fetch . This isn't going to be pretty -- but I've changed my escape destination to my home town -- over 12 hrs from mom and spouse . A place I cannot possible jump for her ! And a place I am unconditionally loved . So... my advice to you is GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS !! And thank you for sharing as it literally opened my eyes to the near tragic "new fresh codependent " relationship I was about to escape to -- disguised as "unconditional love" good LUCK TO YOU AND STAY STRONG !
eyeliner tears I know how you feel. I got out 13 days ago and learned my mom filed for custody of my son w/o me knowing 9 months ago. A judge granted it on the grounds I couldn’t be found. I was downstairs in my bedroom the whole time where I wasn’t allowed out unless she let me. I was so played...long journey ahead!
I appreciated your clear approach to the codependent/narcissistic relationship model and the sequence of stages through which a codependent might go to achieve independence from this dynamic. Thank you.
48 seconds in & already hit liked to add to my videos on narc abuse & codependency. I'm taking my recovery seriously this time. I have to. Thank you for your help.
Thank you for this video. There's lots of education on the origins of codependency, but very little exploration on its healing phase. Such as that many people as they begin to recover from codependency will experience self-doubt, self-abnegation, the loss of important relationships, and loneliness. And yet this difficult phase is like growing pains, like birth pangs of an emerging self. I know of no other such discussion and I'm grateful to you, Ross, for posting this. Much respect and appreciation.
I've looked out for this kind of help for years, recovering faster now that your part of my team of help. Allies, never had them before in my life. Thank you.
I might be getting closer to this recovery unveiling. Seeing that I would rather be alone than with these continued painful narc relationships. Separating wheat and shaft. I caved once. Won't do it again.
Ross, your videos have literally DRAGGED me out from under my rock. After being in a Codependant/Narcissistic Abusive 14 year relationship- I feel a LITTLE hope. I am (now) a single mom of 3 and I feel like I will never move on from this "dream" I had for my future with this man, the father of my kids. I have been experiencing the Devaluation, Discard, Blame, Triangulation and MAJOR WITHDRAWEL still. I am experiencing physical and emotional pain. I have had NO HOPE for as long as we have been separated. But, I feel a LITTLE HOPE now, and for me that is HUGE. I am ordering your book TONITE.
The first 2 weeks of no contact from my narc family. I felt like I was coming off drugs. It’s the craziest thing ever. I was sick, sad, relieved, paranoid, and fed up all at the same time.
Charity B. She was very abusive to her ex. He wrote about this. People seem to be like appliances to her. And the more I listened to her, the more I realized she is a narcissist
Going No Contact with my narcisistic mother was the best decision I made! I was able to heal my own narcicism... Still working on my Self Love Deficiency Disorder... Getting there though. Thank you for the video!
I am a co dependent. My mom is an alcoholic narcissist. My dad is a co dependent. He puts up with my mother's disrespect to the point where he suffers. I told my mom she will never emotionally abuse me or my children again. I threw away my phone. I'm done negotiation and correcting her behavior. My dad is on her side of course and I told his ass off too. My brother died of addiction three years ago. I believe he had narcissism too. Very manipulative and mean. I am suffering from my decision. But I know this shall pass and I will get through it with hardwork. My feelings are never validated by them. I can't live like that anymore.
You are so brave! I encourage you to continue to remind yourself why you are going no contact and treat yourself carefully, kindly and affirmingly. Working at forgiving - for your sake, not theirs - and eventually acknowledging that Overt Narcissists often get into relationships with Covert Narcissists may help. In my family, the Father is the alcoholic. My Mum was codependent, but as I have grown older, I'm starting to see that codependents inflict a different kind of abuse. It is still abuse. It is narcissism inverted. That perspective helps on days when the temptation to initiate even limited contact with the codependent knocks on the door. All the best! The FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) will eventually pass.
+Adidas Love very true. I grew up in the same house except my dad was the alcoholic abuser & mom was the doormat enabler. It took me 35 years to understand that my overt narc father had married a covert narc woman.
Thank you for the video!! I am on journey off recovery !! Is realy tired !! But I am getting there !! I lost my mother , friends but I gonne keep praying en move on !! I no now it gonne be fine !! I standing by myself and for myself. Most off my adult live I was all ready alone !!! With people and still alone !! Now I onderstand!! my hole live I was suply for ego narsistic people !! I had my mother is narc and father !! my granparandt too!! Now I can see all cleary !! I cut all thise with all !! God bless them !@ I gonne cure myself with help of God and terapi !!! Is a lonely road !! But I now I am gonne be fine !! God bless all of you ourhere that is giong true this !! Is not easy !! I send love and supports!! Ross thank you !!
Most difficult is indeed the withdrawal symptoms. Leaving a not fullfilling relationship, still drawn to the guy. When we are together it just feels so amazing! I can indeed compare it to a drug addiction!!! So hard to not go back to get my fix of ‘amazing feelings’ 44 used to those ‘amazing’ feelings, normal loving feelings do not feel to me as love, they feel like not deep enough
I was married to a narcissist. He was exceedingly charming and cunning and smart. As charming and clever as they can be, they seem to be very predictable at the same time. I started to pay attention to the pattern. Also, they tend to run themselves into the ground.... they can only be troubling for so long before people will put their foot down and say enough, I finally see what you are doing. I had a hard time recognizing what was going on, but now I can see it a mile away. Anyway, relationship with a narcissist can be very very troubling and they can do a lot of damage. I am so glad I broke free and saw through all the deception. I have really enjoyed these RUclips videos on co-dependency and narcissism, because I feel even more liberated and validated from the profession explanations which further makes me know I did the right thing. Thank you for making the world a better place..
THANKS, Ross! My previous early childhood trauma therapy help me to see these stages more clearly. I let go of my narc (alcohol addicted) family, my narc h, but wound up with a narc boss, and it was then I started an addiction habit of my own for 6 yrs and wound up in 12 step recovery where I connected with a narc member. But, this time, I recognized, more quickly, the narc. I was devastated though, and went back to therapy & found the You Tube channels openly talking about narcissistic behaviour and the devastating personality disorder, and the plethora of info on narcs in relation to my pathological loneliness (SLDD). Because it took too many months to extricate myself from "the 12 step narc" my body and emotions are still in first stage recovery, again, and more time will help, and going back to self soothing, and therapy. This healing has taken a lifetime. Back when I first entered therapy I didnt hear much about narcs, maybe now life can be a little better, knowing the invisible chains they wrap 'round the unsuspecting. My conclusion is that there is a kind of evil lurking, a predator, but there is a light that can shine into my darkness to expose their sad state. I no longer need to pursue the light for them. "Goodbye" to the predators, Im sure you"ll find others, but not me.
Shockingly exact. I realised almost all the people I found and find important and fantastic -they all were picked by my pathological taste, or reverse, they picked me for prey. All my friends and close family members, my admired teachers and coaches... from the very begining untill now. So I picked up my shield and sword, and began fight for myself. Now I am isolated and terrified, frustrated and agitated. My back aches as hell, and I simply cannot sleep. It's my first month. Thank you Ross for telling me it's normal and has to be this way, because it is the only way to get out from that nightmare most of my life was. Thank you for make me know those selfloathing, suicidal, destructive monologues are not my voice, that I was gaslit, and there will be a huge amount of work with cleaning my mind and making myself free. 30 years spent with getting familiar with malignancy. New era would and should come. Peace&love 😘
Awesome video! Explains what is going on in my relationships very well. I wish my therapist was familiar with these phases - she doesn't understand, why I have very few relationships right now or why its all so anxiety provoking for me to set boundries or why the thought of losing the relationships is do emotionally charged. My therapist however is providing the most important aspect - she is giving me the support I need to continue the process, she supports my boundry setting, which really is helpful. The boundry setting phase and the emotions of it have been so emotional and stressful over a period of months that my immune system failed and I developed arthritis due to which I could not work for a year. I would like to point out that this process of healing is very stressful, so I think it is good to reduce all stress that it is possible to reduce. I have a high-stress job, so for me it would have been appropriate to change jobs to a job with less stress and no night shifts, but no one warned me about this aspect even though I was and am in therapy.
I cut my parents off pretty much after I caught my mother lieing to make my sister, her favourite, happy by spreading a lie about an event that simply didn't take place. My father supports everything she does and always reminded us growing up that we shouldn't make our mother unhappy. My eldest brother and sister did exactly what you said and said I was depressed and not on medication, overly sensitive, not worth shit etc because I had suffered from depression in the past. Now I only talk to a few members of my family. It's very lonely but I've been off medication for two years and have cleared out friends who were not supportive. I would much rather be alone than have this sort of relationships. I'm hoping when I recover enough I'll get healthier freinds.
I cut my family off about 6 months ago. So sad to do that but I realized I couldn't heal with them being in my life. I must say I am doing great and feel that I am healing. It is going to take more time and boundary setting is my first task. So up to the task. Will comment in 6 months. Thanks P Farthing for sharing your experience.
Wow!! Thank you SOOOOOO much Ross for this simple and easy understandable guideline/remedy for the "Codependent Recovery". And thank you dear Universe for have led me here today! You just explained everything in a logic way and I am happy to know that all the steps that I have been taking intuitively since last August were the EXACT perfect ones!!! I am amazed and VERY proud to know that I am able to take care of myself by listening to my intuition (again). Starting this year I also became a Life Coach which really is and was the most valuable resource of my healing so far! I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 4 1/2 years. Finally I was brave and strong enough to follow through in order to break away, as it all felt sooooo wrong/super TOXIC where I was in... I am by nature a very positive and happy person, but of course I picked up on that negativity and I was led into this very dark place in which my narcissist is living in. OH BOY! ;) But now it all makes sense why it happened. One day I started to set those needed boundaries, as I couldn't take it anymore and afford it with my health. I started to stand up for myself and in order to do ME again. :D My survival instinct and my strong will to be happy, positive and strong again pulled me forward in order to solve this "chess" game. SELF LOVE is my theme since February 2015, I am in love with it and it works! I have right NOW realized that I have won this battle dear Ross!! You just gave me the last shift needed. It seems like that I have entered stage #4 last week...and that I tapped into my interdependent stage!!! YAY, how exciting is that?! I am grateful, VERY grateful that I got led to your video today. Blessings Ross. WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D Yesterday I also watched your video: "Narcissist Abuse Syndrome. What it is & how to break free from it." It is TOOOOO the point!! The future is bright, I love what I see and feel from here on... :D To all fellow codependent souls: Go on, stay brave, get your happiness and your own life back. It really isn't worth the time, health and energy that you are spending in it. We only have 1 lifetime to live. Live it wisely and happy! The recovery & detoxication isn't cool, absolutely not. But what "rehab" is, right..?! Hey, and in only 6 - 12 month from here on you could be a happy camper again!! HA! "Behind everything you fear lies something beautiful. For something new and beautiful to grow, something has to die." => These lines where and still are a tremendous help for me!! Try them. GOOD LUCK!! :D LOVE ~ LOVE ~ LOVE
Excellent video. I started the divorce process from my Narc wife but she did everything described in stage 1 to manipulate and threaten me and I eventually caved in and stopped the divorce process. But now that I understand the 4 stages of the process I will be stronger when I start the divorce process again. I am still so unhappy and my marriage is now worse than it was before I filed for divorce.
40 years old... For me it took 4 years to get rid of everybody. Even if I feel like a failure, at least I have peace. I hope this loneliness won't last till the day I die.
Hi Ross I am so thankful for your work having fallen upon your work on RUclips. I am a 48 year old lady whom has left her third narcissist partner. Only this time we share a little boy and although I have left him 4 years ago the dance continues. Living in a foreign country and the loss of my sister 5 years ago whom was the love of my life ( having lost our mum when I was 6 and she was 4). Raised by a somewhat Narcissistic father whom has no emotional intelligence and unable to discuss,validate any feelings yet did his best along with a antisocial personality step mum again whom did her best raising us and having health concerns physically and mentally. I have only recently been able to link my childhood traumas with my choice of partners. Being dyslexic I believe this contributed to my late confidence where at 30 I was diagnosed and managed to qualify as a mental health nurse for the past 11 years. I have lots of friends both here and in UK whom are very supportive especially my best school friend. So Ross a little back ground there and I would love to speak to you in person but if not possible I will continue to follow your wisdom on line. I can not Thankyou enough for validating my feelings talk about feeling lost in the wilderness up and on.
I wish someone really informed me of this once I started really digging deeper into healing and transforming. So much aggression and punishment. It was so sudden and shocking. I felt so much pressure and confusion and shock and heartbreak. The things said and done caused me to really doubt myself and feel like I was doing something wrong. I kept thinking what did I do what did I do? Thank God for Growth and clear sight. This video is so helpful.
Thank you so much for these explanations. I grew up with a unbelievably psycopath, narcissistic father and an emotionally abused and part narcissistic mother who was kind of an apatic person. I and my brother and sister grew up in this environment of continuues frightening, emotional manipulation, shame, blame whatsoever. Our whole family was unspeakably disfunctional. And I didn't really know what is wrong with the whole thing. Of course i saw that other people were able to love each other and i was that i kind of popped out of normal realtionships. From my teeneage period it all got worse and worse. I got serious health issues when I was 21. Sry for this long story, realizing that my father is a sociopath was the first step. When i was about 20-22 I cut lots of (if not all) not healthy friendships in which I didn't do what I would have wanted to do or be myself. That was a fully unconcious step. Now I left home fortunately and the whole country. I would want to cut all connections to my family who never cared about me and wasn't curious about me at ALL in my entire f*cking life. Including grandparents and my cousin. My brother and sister are the same injured though i told them about the discovery of my father's psychological situation. Lots of things are correct for me that you mentioned in your previous videous. I am grateful, bye
Thank you so much through my attacks and real threats from my narcissist mother, I am unwanted child, I can always feel it. Your videos really shine the light on my situation. My mother makes me terrified. She destroys my self esteem, then she tells me she loves me.
Thank You Ross you've given me the strength to do what needed to be done , I left and yes I'm feeling all the mentioned but through your videos I'm getting there I'm just beginning my journey .
This was fantastic....so insightful as I've been watching several videos now...and this one brings so many of them together in a "what to expect" journey of growth....thanks so much for all you do.
I listened twice and will listen in the future. I will work on self esteem through real affirmations nd going back to a workbook. I feel less guilty about not giving most of my time to others (to try to feel valuable - or even to justiify my life! ) but there's a lot to work through. This is difficult. You are right. I appreciate your talk. Thanks. I will refer your talks to a friend, too. Double thanks.
Thank you for this wonderful and insightful video. The day I set boundaries I was kicked out and slandered. Should have coupled the move with therapy though, as right now I have no support system and it's taking a toll to the extent am fearing that my work will be affected.
Your audio book and videos along with counseling have changed my life in a very good way!! Thank you I have found my true self again after many years of manipulations. I listen and learn more each day :-)
I can´t thank you enough,Ross.I am in the middle of phase 2 and was starting to doubt myself again with " is it me" thoughts.thank you for this video,it is my only support right now.but boy it is a good and motivational one
I remember how mad & upset my mom & sisters were with me for leaving my covert narc husband. They were awful towards me and did not know what he had done to me! But then they are flying monkeys so I know now what was up. So glad I got out. I am alive, happy & we'll because I did. I had to completely break ties and start all over. So glad I did.
1 set boundaries. 2 maintain boundaries. 3 build new relationships. 4 strengthen relationships.
Thank you all for the kind and affirming words. I REALLY appreciate them!
Ross
Ross Rosenberg Hi, i wanted to know why in a codependent and narcissistic relationship, the codependent always end up feeling needy, insecure and shaken up in the presence of the narcissist. Whilst,when not in the presence of the narcissist, the recovered codependent is able to function in a healthy way.
Rui ni Maybe body or cellular memory. Your body recognizes a certain energy or feeling when in the presence of a stimulus that triggers memories that make you feel uncomfortable. Your body is reacting & responding to an old familiar pattern that has not fully healed. It's a broken part of us that needs to be cared for. Fill it with love & nurture it with healing, forgiveness & compassion.
+Rui ni ptsd
+Rui ni the theory is that these are the precise feelings a person with narcissism cannot tolerate/deal with in themselves so they push it on/transfer it to the other. it's how the damage is done.
No it's a sign of appreciation. How anyone can view that negatively is beyond me.
I watch this over and over as the months go by. It is empowering, encouraging and comforting.
Im in stage 2. Ive lost my whole family, and am starting to accept it. I won’t lie, it’s tough but I don’t ever want to go back to that dysfunctional and sick family model.
It's worth it
Yep, exactly. I lost everyone and everything as well but that's a good sign. Shed the dead skin cells so to speak. Take care of ourselves. Those who have heart and are able or at least willing to respect you, will understand.
The only reason we have to put boundaries in place is because we feel and are aware of everything around us and none to protect us from the lions and.wolves in this world. They then try to attack and make it seem that we are the bad guys but it's us good guys who feel the ugliness of their actions and want to not get messed up with them.
Thank God we have control over our own lives.
Same here
🖐
I choose to do no contact with mom and sister bc my boundaries mean absolutely NOTHING to them . It's almost like they do it on purpose. They laugh at boundaries. This is the 2nd time of no contact and I have to say both times I
have never been happier or healthier. Wish I would have done this along time ago.
Coming to awareness about being codependent has been one of the greatest gifts of God in my life. I kept asking Him why I had those horrible urges to be with people that abuse me or treat me bad and why I had so much anxiety during relationships. It has changed my life to know all I'd feel and do has a name and I'm able to treat it. It took a relationship with a bpd to help me realize I'm a codependent but I'm now 30. A 3 year marriage with a narcissist 8 years ago didn't do this lol.
Thanks for sharing Fatima.
That was one of the first things my therapist told me once we started working on healing codependency! He said “beware, people are not gonna like this; starting with your parents”. He was absolutely right.
None of my business anymore. If having boundaries and self respect means losing people in the process, then be it.
None of people around me liked this. None!! They all thought that i didn't love them. Actually, they don't know that actually THEY are who don't know how to love healthly and not on a parasitic way. I'm having a withdrawal this period but i know i can make it in the future
Rediscovered a new love and strength within myself. Lost everyone, but as long as I have myself, I'll be OK. I don't need anybody to make me happy or make me feel loved.
Role-playing is good. My therapist did it with me. After I went to counselling & did my work on myself my partner said they did not know me anymore, that I was a stranger to them because when they pushed the same buttons my reaction was totally different. Best to let the significant-other end the relationship, much less drama this way & much safer too.
The best part"no more cravings for narcosist or abusive person",love that part,cant wait til im fully there!!THANK YOU MUCH!
Anna Law just there it's crazy 😉❤️
ha... i lost everybody. i found out i was surrounded only by bpd npd narcs jackals clinger ons etc. alone again, naturally. i hv to rebuild my entire life as though i am a small child; this time knowing red flags and avoiding the toxic ppl and maintaining boundaries. the problem is i now trust NOBODY! I spend most of my time alone. i am rather aloof. and for now, I'm cool with that.
***** Back at you!
Wow that's really brave!
xrisku this is similar to what happens when you get abstainant from an addiction too. The ppl who like you drunk/high/overeating can't adjust to the new you.
This happened to me also. Almost a year now. I am alone. How are you now?
xrisku Same here..I don't trust any one. I've embraced my alone-ness.
This video has changed my life I didn't even know I was codependent or manipulated most of my life... Thank you
Thank God for you Ross!!!!!! After listening to your book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" I set boundaries, and the backlash has been BRUTAL. Thank you so much for this - without knowing why I shouldn't give in, (other than MY "gut") and futilely reaching out for help, this message has given me HOPE to keep with the boundaries I have set. THANK GOD FOR YOU!!!!!
to make a long story short, I had gone to a psychologist because they called me crazy and a narcissist. I cried and broke down and had thought I was a narcissist, and usually there's "no cure" for narcissism" I had found out I was codependent.
Lorettamarie G me too! I still worry that I'm a narcissist, but I just have to keep reminding myself the facts, the things I know about myself that prove I'm not a narcissist. It helps to write them down, so you don't leave anything out.
Aw, same. :( My friends called me a narcissist. It took many years later for me to see that they were the narcs.
Yeah difference between codependants and narcs is that narcs dont try to improve themselves they dont believe they need improvement.
@@olivest509 I get accused of being one...and so much more. It's crazy making. But ...narcissists have no heart...I know I care so I know I'm not one ...they will project onto you
Thank you Dr Rosenberg. Your videos are truly healing by helping me understand myself better rather than blaming the narcissits & manipulators that I always tend to attract.
You got your power back. You are in control.
After 15 years of a relationship that I feel has drained me emotionally and honestly physically as well I finally found the validation that I wasn't "crazy" or wrong with my suspicions and fears. I was embarrassed to address my pain by talking with friends because I couldn't figure out why I was accepting the treatment he gave me. I thought of myself as an intelligent and good person and yet I had never knew what a narcissistic person was. I'd heard the term but didn't know the depth it could be or the red flags. Once I did it was so enlighting I felt a great weight off my heart to know I wasn't all alone and I understand more every day. It's a long way back and it's very difficult to come to terms with it. I don't want to "relapse". Thank you Mr. Rosenberg for your helpful videos. I have a couple of others I follow to get different perspective but I'm grateful you all are out there. Thank you.
I know exactly what you are saying Angela. For 19 years I accepted bread crumbs completely unaware I was in a relationship with a narcissist because I had no knowledge or understanding of narcissism. Without knowledge red flags aren't red and maybe not even flags. I was both relieved and bewildered upon discovering the man I spent the last 19 years of my life with was a narcissist. Education is so important as it may be the only way to stop these preditors in their tracks. Thank you Ròss for your help in educating others. Knowledge is power!
As I have gotten healthier....Ive lost more people....
Cassandra Myth Amen
Thats a sign that we’re healing ourselves.
Amen
@@narcdramaunwanted4291 Yes. I have experienced this also. I don't go out of my way to maintain any relationship any more, including friendships. I used to do this a lot, since my friendships and relationships meant the world to me. I felt more alive and less weak. But looking back, it was my codependency at work and that "extra" effort I put in was people pleasing. I am less concerned about how others feel and more aware of what's going on with me. This inevitably leads to less people pleasing and thus the people who used to be people-pleased by me no longer get their needs met. They probably feel that our interaction feels "flat." This is fine by me since I feel healthier. I don't feel the rollercoaster rides I used to with people.
@@leefroml.a.8679 Yes,agree with you.And its the same here,those people I "pleased" has found new "sources" anywhere.
No I work hard for to handle lifes ups and down as best I can🤗,take control over my life and take care of my self💛.
omg I cant believe I had this for 33 years and didn't know no wonder all my relationships are screwed up;_(
I just discovered it at age 49 so don't feel bad. Now at least we can get help
I had all toxic relationships and I'm currently in one and he using me co dependency and anxiety to manipulate me
56 for me
@@ahlewsiv get out
Awww me too im nearly at the end stronger everyday , off anti depressant and weed and praying for the people who done what they done because i was part of it x
26 months and counting, Im detached now but the bullying is still hard. This is a very good summary of the process. Im glad I didnt know before I started.
Thank you Mr. Rosenberg for your direct and life-saving words. They are truly life-affirming. I can do this. Thank you again.
Thank you Dr.Ross Rosenberg. Your videos helpoed me tremendously understand myself and my partner. God bless you!
Sometimes the problems are so deep that only a complete, permanent separation will work.
Ross talks about "childhood issues" but does not mention "genetic mental health issues. I come from a family that has had "bi-polar" type issues for five generations. that I personally know about. More than 70% of my family members have been directly affected during the 5 generations I know about. Those of us that have been lucky in the "gene pool lottery" have had to deal with unbelievable problems with our loved ones.
I am almost 70 years old. For the sake of my own sanity I have had to go "no contact" with my entire family. I am in the last part of my life. For me, going "no contact" is the only path to a peaceful, happy life.
Gale Wagner this is inspiring, thank you for sharing your personal path to freedom. I have a question that I hope is not too intrusive; have you forgiven your family?
Peaceful Mountain Farm yes
i am 64 my sis was bipolar..my arents died young..i had her for 50 yrs..finaly i gave up!!!she lies alone now in her sad nasty world
@@beam8250 I think you have to be careful with “forgiving your family “. If you do that too soon in the building of strong boundaries you could be acquiescing, you could be letting them walk all over you again. You have to see which members of the family press your buttons and trigger you the most. I am learning too (at 68 yrs old) to stay alert to the manipulation of family …and friends …who will try to get you to cave in. It’s all very challenging. Inner peace is an unfamiliar state so you have to give yourself permission to have inner peace!! These are my own to findings
I am going through this right now and I didn't know there was a name for it. I was married to a Narcissist for 10 yrs and divorced for 3. Currently I'm setting boundaries with my children and my parents. My 13 year old is angry and blames me for everything and my mom won't talk to me, but I know I will be much healthier in the long run and so will my children. Thank you for the video so I know this is a normal process of boundary setting!
Ross, you’re work has been critical to my recovery. Thank you.
I find myself wincing internally when you say “we therapists”. I’ve been let down over and over and over and over and over again by therapists who don’t have the slightest clue about what you talk about. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who understands this stuff bedsides you. (I’ve been seeing therapists on and off for over 15 years and even have a degree in holistic medicine). Where are these other therapists who have any clue about this stuff?
I was hammered nearly to death (literally) and sucked dry by narcissists and have been on the edge of homelessness for years because when I started standing up for myself there was no one there to support me and tell me to keep going. I lost my home in this way. A person can get into some really bad situations by starting to stand up and then giving in to the narcissistic injury and their reactionary behavior.
The truth is that people do what’s easiest for them and if a person doesn’t know how to stand up for themselves, other people will gladly take advantage or in bad scenarios, go bezerk with vicious narcissistic behavior.
At the same time, religious and/or spiritual doctrines can be exceedingly dangerous for the codependent. Love everyone; turn the other cheek; be like Christ; see the basic goodness in everyone. I naively tried to be a “good” person my whole life and was just getting raped in the process. What’s missing from those spiritual directives is: WATCH OUT FOR THE DANGEROUS MOTHERF&&+#*S - ONE OF WHICH MIGHT BE YOUR PARENT. I wish someone had taught me that as a young man.
Anyway, there’s no one in my life now as I take time to attach to myself for the first time in my life. It’s hard but I’m starting to heal faster and faster. It’s gaining momentum and the worst pain of all - self abandonment is happening less and less.
Your book helped me out of the darkest pit - simply by illuminating the codep/narc dynamic. That was the missing link that I hadn’t found anywhere else - and believe me I had looked EVERYWHERE.
I recently heard an analogy that I find very helpful: a codependent is a glass full of water. A narc is an empty glass. The insanity of codependency is to pour the water into the empty glass and then spend all your time trying to experience the water in that other glass. The healing is to learn to stop pouring your own water into empty glasses. I find that to be a helpful analogy. Growing up with a narcissist, we don’t have our self-worth reflected back to us; we are never taught to experience and be comfortable in the “water” in our own glass.
The water analogy is so helpful!
Thats exactly it...my self worth is NEVER seen ..yet I have experienced the lack of what I give so freely...so it's confusing to me that they don't see the worth of my efforts
Although each stage probably takes more than 3 years for me I believe I will get there. Thank you Ross
I got a restraining order against my husband of 18 years, 9 months ago. I’m in the last stage, so much happier!
You’re so right on about these 4 stages, and it’s the first time I’ve heard this information; thank you! The 1st stage was hell on earth, but Ive made it through the first 3. Not looking back!
Thanks Ross. I am at the point where I have been emotionally discarded after finally setting boundaries. It's so hard when you realize that keeping the boundary means losing the person you love. So hard. It's hard to see the possibles payoff at this point. I'm trying to be brave and have faith.
Keep being brave, have faith, dear soul. You are worth it.
Huge personal credit for the wisdom and complexity that I feel this system operates with. 🙏
Listening to you explain the things in my life that I never had words for gives me hope as I walk a path of recovery. The 1st thing I get asked or told by clients is how can you help me if you havnt been there. Hearing honesty is what I believe is all that they want. Thank you for being that voice..peace in
Working on the boundaries. I sleep with the light on.
LOL😄😄.I hope u can turn off lights now.
+Nae Ru : Well, I do sleep with the lights on yet 😐. I have had to relisten to the three stages a couple of times. The worst part is having the kids hate me. I feel he has gone behind my back to garner support for himself. I need to remember they are hurt too. They are working through it great. I have the best two kids. I am strong, and the best part is I am remembering my old self.
Me too....still sleeping with lights on but lm ok with that...starting to disentangle myself after 25 years of marriage.
@@annabelclarke2347 : I can turn the light off now. Being hated is the hard part.
This sounds like a fairy tale 👏👏 I'm glad I'm on this journey of recovery
Doesn't it tho 😅
and I am a codependent... starting healing to become a healing child of GOD! you are terrific!
Not everyone can afford for psychotherapy. They must heal themselves in other ways.
Mary,me too😊
Yes! Trust in the Lord, not man!
Psalms 118:8-17, Micah 7:5
That was my problem, allowing others to be the Conductor of my Train! When I threw everybody off the Train, I had a peaceful trip! Actually, some threw themselves off!!!
I believe that utilizing as many different aspects to help is the most beneficial. I started with my spiritual connection to the Lord and was guided to different areas that were helpful in different ways. that helped heal me on many different levels.
@@yeswing10 haha amen!
I’ve done it myself too. It took years. Analyzing myself, reading about it, experimenting with setting boundaries. But it can be done. 💜
This really helps. I don’t really understand why anyone thinks they have the right to get angry at someone else for asserting the right to live happily on the planet, but it happens. So sick to attack someone for the boundaries they need for their mental and physical health.
This guys is genius
I definitely struggled with codependency in the past. I didn't feel like I could fully express who I was and so I hid my true self. It wasn't until I experienced several painful relationships that I realized something needed. The 2 biggest things that helped me was getting connected to a God of my understanding and healing the emotional wounds from my childhood. Thank you for your wisdom!!
I am tired. I just want to heal from this wound and need support😢. Thank you so much to put your time to educate us🙏😇
Today I realized that by the grace of God and Earth angels like your self I've arrived on the other side of a life of abuse not sure if I want to laugh or cry it's been a long journey I'm so glad I don't have to allow ppl to abuse me anymore bitter sweet moment indeed I feel like for once in my life I finished something I don't remember a time I could honestly say that I love the person in the mirror instead of avoiding one that misunderstood little boy instead of me is finally free I want to say thank you for what you do I know life is only gonna get better I pray God blesses you and the other channels because without ppl like you all I'd still be a empty shell again thank u
I'm 32 years' and I have only very dated covert and overt narcissists, I did not understand why I was always the common factor in these horrible relationships. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad a serial cheater. I know understand that I need to heal myself. I just broke up with my latest narcissistic boyfriend and what I feel is beyond pain. I miss him terribly but I am committed to healing and attracting normal and healthy relationships.
Your intros are so groovy lol I love listening to you and how you explain things. It has helped me so much in my recovery and self love journey! Thank you Sir!
The escape route to freedom. Well explained. Thank you Ross. This is all about claiming one own self and finding lasting freedom.
You are welcome.
Thank you so much. I look forward to teaching what I am learning. No one has reached me and made sense like Mr. Rosenberg.
I went no contact and cut it out cold turkey. I found the first 3 mo ths to be the absolute hardest. But this last month has been so much better. Its as if the healing is on double speed now. I know its a journey. I just NEVER thought I could be where i am now, and it has just been a handful of months.
I set boundaries over this holiday and N's in my family were furious but I am happy.Yes we have to make new relationships with some give and take.
"Never give up, never surrender" Galaxy Quest
I just wait for the moment, when I do not have to face those narcissists any more and can create better friendships. That is my life-dream! The day I'll experience it will be the happiest day in my life! I just realized, how much time and energy these kind of people have stolen from me. For example now I use this much time listening to these videos and try to understand, what happened, instead that I could effectively concentrate ON MY WORK AND THINGS I LOVE TO DO! I hate this waist of time, this empty feeling they leave behind and I hate that I have ever accepted this kind of people to come in my lie - even to my home!!! They are like flies, bugs, flying around and irritating you and you can not catch them. They always see the big view with their big eyes and fly away, when you try to catch them - yet they come back again to make disturbance..
Very good metaphor! And so fitting!! After all, they serve the father of lies, who is the lord of the flies!
I feel that way too and some feel that way too about me.
It atleast helps me to tolerate and negotiate a better understanding AND result. 🙏
Thank God for Ross. You have saved my life
Since I'm a -5 or -4 co-dependent I can only do no contact as a boundary with narcs. So far I'm no contact with husband, sister, a friend, and grey rock with my elderly mother. I recently became friends with a co-dependent lady and I've had to set boundaries with her so I don't get sucked into her self-created dramas. Interesting for me to observe not absorb her chaos. It's helping me to learn. Sometimes I get triggered by not having help when I need it and I lash out at my kids. It's one of the greatest wounds I've suffered from narc abuse. I really want to heal that wound so I don't hurt my kids with my outbursts. The neglect has hurt me more than anything. It began with narc mom and continued with every romantic partner. I'm reading the Human Magnet and realize every LTR with with a manipulator because they were exciting and non-manipulators are boring to me. So I'm only attracted to people who will neglect me and then my challenge is to get them to love and appreciate me. How exhausting! And they never do BTW.
Ross...I am 8 months into this journey. I am sitting here listening to this. You are spot on. This is MY experience. I cannot thank you enough. Your dedication to this awful abuse has saved my life. Your knowledge has given me my life back. I could not have done this without you. Thank you.. Thank you...I am free because of your help!!
I am so glad Suzanne. Keep up the good work!
Thank You. The hope of my family's boundaries and adult teens hanging out with narc dad after 5yrs. I'm entering codependency empath knowledge. Thank you!
I'm 24 and I have no support.... I've been no contact since mid august. My narc mother came to my house yesterday and today trying to groom my daughter with clothing sizes far too small for her.
I politely told her she wasn't coming into my house, then I cried and screamed into a pillow once I closed the door😥
Hang in there...you are fighting to keep your boundaries, and it can be so hard at first. Maybe you could benefit from seeking professional help to aid you in your process. I really hope you're feeling better.
eyeliner tears I've known Ive been a co-d since marriage counseling 2 yrs ago . What I DIDN'T realize until right now (literally) is that my mother is and was the first narcissistic influence on me . Interestingly --has been calling daily with her plan to "save me " from my CN spouse by having me move in with her . Despite me saying repetitively "I don't want to live WITH you and your significant other " (nicely of course bc upsetting her is never good -- right? 😉. I almost made the fatal error of giving in bc it HAS to be better than where I am now . She has been ill and I have been rushing to her side for over ten yrs caring for her . THIS IS WHY she wants me there ... duh? ESP since she NEVER rocks the boat with her sig other , yet expects me to sponge bathe and fetch . This isn't going to be pretty -- but I've changed my escape destination to my home town -- over 12 hrs from mom and spouse . A place I cannot possible jump for her ! And a place I am unconditionally loved .
So... my advice to you is GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS !! And thank you for sharing as it literally opened my eyes to the near tragic "new fresh codependent " relationship I was about to escape to -- disguised as "unconditional love" good LUCK TO YOU AND STAY STRONG !
eyeliner tears I know how you feel. I got out 13 days ago and learned my mom filed for custody of my son w/o me knowing 9 months ago. A judge granted it on the grounds I couldn’t be found. I was downstairs in my bedroom the whole time where I wasn’t allowed out unless she let me. I was so played...long journey ahead!
Be strong! CODA is a great resource to find friends going through the same thing!
so our mom is disabeled and you run away nice daughter!!!i have one of those..some day u wil be disabeled and alone..karma is a bitch
I wish I had this understanding years ago.The most enlightening thing.
I appreciated your clear approach to the codependent/narcissistic relationship model and the sequence of stages through which a codependent might go to achieve independence from this dynamic. Thank you.
Your book is awesome, this is the video that inspired me to order the book immediately, glad I did, thank you Ross !
Excellent,Thank you breaking free of these toxic people...
48 seconds in & already hit liked to add to my videos on narc abuse & codependency. I'm taking my recovery seriously this time. I have to. Thank you for your help.
That little smile at the happiness of the cured codependent at the end just warms my heart. ^^
Thank you for this video. There's lots of education on the origins of codependency, but very little exploration on its healing phase. Such as that many people as they begin to recover from codependency will experience self-doubt, self-abnegation, the loss of important relationships, and loneliness. And yet this difficult phase is like growing pains, like birth pangs of an emerging self. I know of no other such discussion and I'm grateful to you, Ross, for posting this. Much respect and appreciation.
I've looked out for this kind of help for years, recovering faster now that your part of my team of help. Allies, never had them before in my life. Thank you.
I might be getting closer to this recovery unveiling. Seeing that I would rather be alone than with these continued painful narc relationships. Separating wheat and shaft. I caved once. Won't do it again.
You're saving my life
EXACTLY why I am happy to keep trimming my Facebook list!! Excellent video - thank you so much for sharing. This has REALLY helped me!
Ross, your videos have literally DRAGGED me out from under my rock. After being in a Codependant/Narcissistic Abusive 14 year relationship- I feel a LITTLE hope. I am (now) a single mom of 3 and I feel like I will never move on from this "dream" I had for my future with this man, the father of my kids. I have been experiencing the Devaluation, Discard, Blame, Triangulation and MAJOR WITHDRAWEL still. I am experiencing physical and emotional pain. I have had NO HOPE for as long as we have been separated. But, I feel a LITTLE HOPE now, and for me that is HUGE. I am ordering your book TONITE.
Stay strong and talk to yourself, reassure yourself out loud. That seems to help me through a little more.
I HAVE PUT SERVERAL OUT MY LIFE ALREADY. I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS Ross🌈🏴💖
You are welcome Evelyn.
The first 2 weeks of no contact from my narc family. I felt like I was coming off drugs. It’s the craziest thing ever. I was sick, sad, relieved, paranoid, and fed up all at the same time.
Enjoying the Teal Swan, Ross Rosenberg, Sam Vatkin, Lisa Romano videos.
Charity Burnett Add Meredith Miller and Kim Saeed.
Teal Swan is a narcissist
@@LoveIsEternal9 I realize that now. After reading about her, she sounds really insane. Thinking of deleting this thread.
Charity B. She was very abusive to her ex. He wrote about this.
People seem to be like appliances to her. And the more I listened to her, the more I realized she is a narcissist
Going No Contact with my narcisistic mother was the best decision I made! I was able to heal my own narcicism... Still working on my Self Love Deficiency Disorder... Getting there though. Thank you for the video!
I am a co dependent. My mom is an alcoholic narcissist. My dad is a co dependent. He puts up with my mother's disrespect to the point where he suffers. I told my mom she will never emotionally abuse me or my children again. I threw away my phone. I'm done negotiation and correcting her behavior. My dad is on her side of course and I told his ass off too. My brother died of addiction three years ago. I believe he had narcissism too. Very manipulative and mean. I am suffering from my decision. But I know this shall pass and I will get through it with hardwork. My feelings are never validated by them. I can't live like that anymore.
You are so brave! I encourage you to continue to remind yourself why you are going no contact and treat yourself carefully, kindly and affirmingly. Working at forgiving - for your sake, not theirs - and eventually acknowledging that Overt Narcissists often get into relationships with Covert Narcissists may help. In my family, the Father is the alcoholic. My Mum was codependent, but as I have grown older, I'm starting to see that codependents inflict a different kind of abuse. It is still abuse. It is narcissism inverted. That perspective helps on days when the temptation to initiate even limited contact with the codependent knocks on the door. All the best! The FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) will eventually pass.
+Adidas Love very true. I grew up in the same house except my dad was the alcoholic abuser & mom was the doormat enabler. It took me 35 years to understand that my overt narc father had married a covert narc woman.
Yes every addict is a narcissist
Thank you for the video!! I am on journey off recovery !! Is realy tired !! But I am getting there !! I lost my mother , friends but I gonne keep praying en move on !! I no now it gonne be fine !! I standing by myself and for myself. Most off my adult live I was all ready alone !!! With people and still alone !! Now I onderstand!! my hole live I was suply for ego narsistic people !! I had my mother is narc and father !! my granparandt too!! Now I can see all cleary !! I cut all thise with all !! God bless them !@ I gonne cure myself with help of God and terapi !!! Is a lonely road !! But I now I am gonne be fine !! God bless all of you ourhere that is giong true this !! Is not easy !! I send love and supports!! Ross thank you !!
Thanks so much for sharing. Keep up the good work!
Most difficult is indeed the withdrawal symptoms. Leaving a not fullfilling relationship, still drawn to the guy.
When we are together it just feels so amazing! I can indeed compare it to a drug addiction!!! So hard to not go back to get my fix of ‘amazing feelings’
44 used to those ‘amazing’ feelings, normal loving feelings do not feel to me as love, they feel like not deep enough
Thank you. I needed the encouragement. I am at 3 months and beginning my journey to wholeness.
I was married to a narcissist. He was exceedingly charming and cunning and smart. As charming and clever as they can be, they seem to be very predictable at the same time. I started to pay attention to the pattern. Also, they tend to run themselves into the ground.... they can only be troubling for so long before people will put their foot down and say enough, I finally see what you are doing. I had a hard time recognizing what was going on, but now I can see it a mile away. Anyway, relationship with a narcissist can be very very troubling and they can do a lot of damage. I am so glad I broke free and saw through all the deception. I have really enjoyed these RUclips videos on co-dependency and narcissism, because I feel even more liberated and validated from the profession explanations which further makes me know I did the right thing. Thank you for making the world a better place..
THANKS, Ross!
My previous early childhood trauma therapy help me to see these stages more clearly.
I let go of my narc (alcohol addicted) family, my narc h, but wound up with a narc boss, and it was then I started an addiction habit of my own for 6 yrs and wound up in 12 step recovery where I connected with a narc member.
But, this time, I recognized, more quickly, the narc. I was devastated though, and went back to therapy & found the You Tube channels openly talking about narcissistic behaviour and the devastating personality disorder, and the plethora of info on narcs in relation to my pathological loneliness (SLDD).
Because it took too many months to extricate myself from "the 12 step narc" my body and emotions are still in first stage recovery, again, and more time will help, and going back to self soothing, and therapy. This healing has taken a lifetime. Back when I first entered therapy I didnt hear much about narcs, maybe now life can be a little better, knowing the invisible chains they wrap 'round the unsuspecting.
My conclusion is that there is a kind of evil lurking, a predator, but there is a light that can shine into my darkness to expose their sad state. I no longer need to pursue the light for them. "Goodbye" to the predators, Im sure you"ll find others, but not me.
Thank you so much for your inspiring & powerful videos Ross :)
Shockingly exact. I realised almost all the people I found and find important and fantastic -they all were picked by my pathological taste, or reverse, they picked me for prey. All my friends and close family members, my admired teachers and coaches... from the very begining untill now.
So I picked up my shield and sword, and began fight for myself. Now I am isolated and terrified, frustrated and agitated. My back aches as hell, and I simply cannot sleep. It's my first month.
Thank you Ross for telling me it's normal and has to be this way, because it is the only way to get out from that nightmare most of my life was. Thank you for make me know those selfloathing, suicidal, destructive monologues are not my voice, that I was gaslit, and there will be a huge amount of work with cleaning my mind and making myself free. 30 years spent with getting familiar with malignancy. New era would and should come.
Peace&love 😘
I am for compassionate boundaries but strong as steel it can save a lot of pain for us and others
Awesome video! Explains what is going on in my relationships very well. I wish my therapist was familiar with these phases - she doesn't understand, why I have very few relationships right now or why its all so anxiety provoking for me to set boundries or why the thought of losing the relationships is do emotionally charged. My therapist however is providing the most important aspect - she is giving me the support I need to continue the process, she supports my boundry setting, which really is helpful. The boundry setting phase and the emotions of it have been so emotional and stressful over a period of months that my immune system failed and I developed arthritis due to which I could not work for a year. I would like to point out that this process of healing is very stressful, so I think it is good to reduce all stress that it is possible to reduce. I have a high-stress job, so for me it would have been appropriate to change jobs to a job with less stress and no night shifts, but no one warned me about this aspect even though I was and am in therapy.
I cut my parents off pretty much after I caught my mother lieing to make my sister, her favourite, happy by spreading a lie about an event that simply didn't take place. My father supports everything she does and always reminded us growing up that we shouldn't make our mother unhappy. My eldest brother and sister did exactly what you said and said I was depressed and not on medication, overly sensitive, not worth shit etc because I had suffered from depression in the past. Now I only talk to a few members of my family. It's very lonely but I've been off medication for two years and have cleared out friends who were not supportive. I would much rather be alone than have this sort of relationships. I'm hoping when I recover enough I'll get healthier freinds.
I hope youre doing well ❤️❤️
I cut my family off about 6 months ago. So sad to do that but I realized I couldn't heal with them being in my life. I must say I am doing great and feel that I am healing. It is going to take more time and boundary setting is my first task. So up to the task. Will comment in 6 months. Thanks P Farthing for sharing your experience.
Soo what’s that mean? I think you’re brother and sister turned into narcissists too 🤦♂️🤦♂️🙃🙃🤷♂️
How are you doing now? I Was just curious because your story kind of reminded me of mine :) I hope you are well
What a beautiful-truthful explanation!!! I am so honored to have found you : )
Wow!! Thank you SOOOOOO much Ross for this simple and easy understandable guideline/remedy for the "Codependent Recovery". And thank you dear Universe for have led me here today! You just explained everything in a logic way and I am happy to know that all the steps that I have been taking intuitively since last August were the EXACT perfect ones!!! I am amazed and VERY proud to know that I am able to take care of myself by listening to my intuition (again). Starting this year I also became a Life Coach which really is and was the most valuable resource of my healing so far!
I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 4 1/2 years. Finally I was brave and strong enough to follow through in order to break away, as it all felt sooooo wrong/super TOXIC where I was in... I am by nature a very positive and happy person, but of course I picked up on that negativity and I was led into this very dark place in which my narcissist is living in. OH BOY! ;) But now it all makes sense why it happened. One day I started to set those needed boundaries, as I couldn't take it anymore and afford it with my health. I started to stand up for myself and in order to do ME again. :D My survival instinct and my strong will to be happy, positive and strong again pulled me forward in order to solve this "chess" game. SELF LOVE is my theme since February 2015, I am in love with it and it works! I have right NOW realized that I have won this battle dear Ross!! You just gave me the last shift needed. It seems like that I have entered stage #4 last week...and that I tapped into my interdependent stage!!! YAY, how exciting is that?! I am grateful, VERY grateful that I got led to your video today. Blessings Ross. WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D Yesterday I also watched your video: "Narcissist Abuse Syndrome. What it is & how to break free from it." It is TOOOOO the point!! The future is bright, I love what I see and feel from here on... :D
To all fellow codependent souls: Go on, stay brave, get your happiness and your own life back. It really isn't worth the time, health and energy that you are spending in it. We only have 1 lifetime to live. Live it wisely and happy! The recovery & detoxication isn't cool, absolutely not. But what "rehab" is, right..?! Hey, and in only 6 - 12 month from here on you could be a happy camper again!! HA!
"Behind everything you fear lies something beautiful. For something new and beautiful to grow, something has to die." => These lines where and still are a tremendous help for me!! Try them. GOOD LUCK!! :D
LOVE ~ LOVE ~ LOVE
Excellent video. I started the divorce process from my Narc wife but she did everything described in stage 1 to manipulate and threaten me and I eventually caved in and stopped the divorce process. But now that I understand the 4 stages of the process I will be stronger when I start the divorce process again. I am still so unhappy and my marriage is now worse than it was before I filed for divorce.
40 years old... For me it took 4 years to get rid of everybody. Even if I feel like a failure, at least I have peace. I hope this loneliness won't last till the day I die.
Hi Ross I am so thankful for your work having fallen upon your work on RUclips. I am a 48 year old lady whom has left her third narcissist partner. Only this time we share a little boy and although I have left him 4 years ago the dance continues. Living in a foreign country and the loss of my sister 5 years ago whom was the love of my life ( having lost our mum when I was 6 and she was 4). Raised by a somewhat Narcissistic father whom has no emotional intelligence and unable to discuss,validate any feelings yet did his best along with a antisocial personality step mum again whom did her best raising us and having health concerns physically and mentally. I have only recently been able to link my childhood traumas with my choice of partners. Being dyslexic I believe this contributed to my late confidence where at 30 I was diagnosed and managed to qualify as a mental health nurse for the past 11 years. I have lots of friends both here and in UK whom are very supportive especially my best school friend. So Ross a little back ground there and I would love to speak to you in person but if not possible I will continue to follow your wisdom on line. I can not Thankyou enough for validating my feelings talk about feeling lost in the wilderness up and on.
I wish someone really informed me of this once I started really digging deeper into healing and transforming. So much aggression and punishment. It was so sudden and shocking. I felt so much pressure and confusion and shock and heartbreak. The things said and done caused me to really doubt myself and feel like I was doing something wrong. I kept thinking what did I do what did I do? Thank God for Growth and clear sight. This video is so helpful.
thank you for your help, I can finally understand so many things that I refused to deal with.
Thank you so much for these explanations. I grew up with a unbelievably psycopath, narcissistic father and an emotionally abused and part narcissistic mother who was kind of an apatic person. I and my brother and sister grew up in this environment of continuues frightening, emotional manipulation, shame, blame whatsoever. Our whole family was unspeakably disfunctional. And I didn't really know what is wrong with the whole thing. Of course i saw that other people were able to love each other and i was that i kind of popped out of normal realtionships. From my teeneage period it all got worse and worse. I got serious health issues when I was 21. Sry for this long story, realizing that my father is a sociopath was the first step. When i was about 20-22 I cut lots of (if not all) not healthy friendships in which I didn't do what I would have wanted to do or be myself. That was a fully unconcious step. Now I left home fortunately and the whole country. I would want to cut all connections to my family who never cared about me and wasn't curious about me at ALL in my entire f*cking life. Including grandparents and my cousin. My brother and sister are the same injured though i told them about the discovery of my father's psychological situation. Lots of things are correct for me that you mentioned in your previous videous. I am grateful, bye
Inner child Meditation is all you need. No stage mumbo jumbo.
Thank you so much through my attacks and real threats from my narcissist mother, I am unwanted child, I can always feel it. Your videos really shine the light on my situation. My mother makes me terrified. She destroys my self esteem, then she tells me she loves me.
Absolutely loved this video. It is so refreshing to see that recovery is possible, as opposed to a lifelong identification as "Codependent".
Thank You Ross you've given me the strength to do what needed to be done , I left and yes I'm feeling all the mentioned but through your videos I'm getting there I'm just beginning my journey .
So True...complex... Thanks for the dans...The real truth will set us free on a new life road. Hope. Thanks for sharing.
YOur work has been so transformational for my life. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos...they are essential to my process.
Confirmation, God is good! The universe hears 🙌🏾
This was fantastic....so insightful as I've been watching several videos now...and this one brings so many of them together in a "what to expect" journey of growth....thanks so much for all you do.
I really hope this is true. I started on my path with codependent psychotherapy today.
I listened twice and will listen in the future. I will work on self esteem through real affirmations nd going back to a workbook. I feel less guilty about not giving most of my time to others (to try to feel valuable - or even to justiify my life! ) but there's a lot to work through. This is difficult. You are right. I appreciate your talk. Thanks. I will refer your talks to a friend, too. Double thanks.
Thank you for this wonderful and insightful video. The day I set boundaries I was kicked out and slandered. Should have coupled the move with therapy though, as right now I have no support system and it's taking a toll to the extent am fearing that my work will be affected.
Your audio book and videos along with counseling have changed my life in a very good way!! Thank you I have found my true self again after many years of manipulations. I listen and learn more each day :-)
You videos are helpful personally and professionally. Thank you for posting.
I can´t thank you enough,Ross.I am in the middle of phase 2 and was starting to doubt myself again with " is it me" thoughts.thank you for this video,it is my only support right now.but boy it is a good and motivational one
I remember how mad & upset my mom & sisters were with me for leaving my covert narc husband. They were awful towards me and did not know what he had done to me! But then they are flying monkeys so I know now what was up. So glad I got out. I am alive, happy & we'll because I did. I had to completely break ties and start all over. So glad I did.
Absolutely wonderful explanation... very educational video