Why Does the Unfaithful Spouse Withdraw during Communication about Infidelity?
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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Samuel answers a viewers question on why the unfaithful will often times withdraw in recovery work.
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Stone walling is a very selfish act. Ego, unrepentant hearts and pride are the reasons why the betrayer shuts down and refuses to allow the betrayed spouse to communicate. It's very narcistic selfish and. Insensitive and the reason why they had an affair in the first place. Stone walling has to be viewed as yet another act of violence and betrayal against the already betrayed spouse.
Withdrawal sounds a lot like they just don’t want to face the consequences of their destructive choices. They don’t really want to see themselves for what they’ve become. My unfaithful husband use to shut down & withdraw until he found a new tactic, agreeing to everything. It’s harder to see if he’s “owning it” or just agreeing to everything so I’ll stop bringing it up. I think he’s hoping that if he placates me, I’ll feel “heard” & think he’s “getting it” & healing & I’ll stop asking questions, stop bringing it up & get over it. Now, I’m just feeling patronized & cut short. I’m not hearing any questions or clarifications, answers or reassurances & that’s why I’m thinking it’s another tactic. No real remorse, no tears, no real repulsion of his actions & no astonishment of his own behavior & no plans for how he’s going to make amends or try to grow into a better human being. No real effort to reconnect with me. It’s been 27 months since D-day & there’s no forward movement. I’m getting really discouraged.
Oh my, Dear. I feel “with you”. Have been dealing only 6 months after discovery and… I’m realizing how venomous it is to our whole family that I am still here with him. I can’t even imagine another 20 months like that. My heart feels torn for you and what you must be experiencing. 💜 💙 👂 hearing your story breaks my heart and strengthens my resolve for my own future. Thank you so much for your courageous share.
@@brightpage1020 Thank you for your response. We’re now into our 5th year of this with no forward movement. We’re going to counseling but it’s oh so slow. Shortly after I posted my comment and after swearing all that time he’d told me everything, he dropped another bombshell on me which catapulted me back 2 1/2 years to the first D-day. Now, I have two D-days and have lost all of the ground I’d gained in my recovery. The only reason I’m still in this “marriage” is 34 years I’ve been married and I’ll be 70 years old soon! I don’t have a lot of options at this point. He’s just now beginning to see what his choices have cost me. Hopefully, with counseling, he will understand he needs to change.
@@terrywade3696 we will be married 50 years next month and 10 months since D day. I’ve been set back to day 1 at least a half dozen times. I am in the same boat. So sorry for you. When I first heard it takes 2 years to get to healing, I couldn’t believe it. Now I can’t believe it has been 10 months. It feels so long that I almost can’t remember how I felt when I was smart, confident and trusting. I don’t think I will live long enough to forget.
@Terry Wade I know this completely!! My husband does this to me. He still actually doesn't both. But I can see through his bullshit when he acts like he is in compliance with me. But his actions prove completely otherwise. When he is called out he turns childish. Very frustrating for sure.
If he needs me to move forward, I need answers. The more he refuses to answer, and then he gets angry and storms away. How am I suppose to move on.
I’m reading, from his reaction, he just wants me to forget what happened.
I feel that whenever I want to talk, my husband shuts me down or shuts me out. In my mind, I just want for him to be remorseful and empathetic of my feelings. It's still very fresh and raw and at this time, he doesn't have it in him to give me what I need. It's gonna take time!
You said "there's never an excuse for physical violence." There is also never an excuse for emotional or verbal violence. None of these are any less damaging than the others.
I listened to the video. However, I feel that there seems to be a very troubling underlying way before the affair even happens in the makeup of the unfaithful. Not sure if others will agree but that's the conclusion I am coming to. They don't like conflict and that's how it all starts.
Elena Hojko Yes! I pointed that out to my husband. Can’t face an issue so it was easier for him to find a secret “just friends” woman to escape with.
I had that same experience with my ex but I think it gave him an excuse to cheat. Just remember that they're broken and has nothing to do with you.
I thought mine was “just friends”, too. Until I caught them together and found a bra in our bedroom. Still unclaimed ;o) after asking all the women in the family who had recently visited for a swim if it could be theirs. I could have sworn it was just an emotional affair. I certainly hope you found out about yours before it crossed any underwear lines. Bless you for your brave share.
Thank you.
@@brightpage1020 Emotional affairs are dangerous enough, and devastating enough. That's what mine had w/ a girl half our age. I even became friends w/ her too for a few months, as her father had just died, and we were helping her out. After a few months, she was getting pretty brazen w/ helping herself to seduction tactics w/ him, right in front of me, since I didn't call her on her boundary breaches early on. There's no way I'd fall for "just a friendship" again. I did call it and he reluctantly stopped it (after a few months of waffling), because she was brazenly flashing her underwear, and he always happened to be around the corner seeing it. I'm pretty sure it stopped before the point yours got to (so sorry to hear that).
I have experienced the entire smorgasbord.. Spilling his guts with too much detail.. All the way to "I've already answered this and you're ruining our good vibe right now by asking more questions..
I think they're afraid of slipping out facts we don't know that they avoided in first disclosure.. So shut down.
Refusing to talk when we need to talk just proves that they are still in their selfish world.
I often feel that when he stonewalls me.. He's wishing he had his affair tart back because life's hard in that moment.
Ive stayed after multiple affairs.. But I wish I didn't because when the stonewalling happens you feel like you're going to go through it all again.
If you want us to be okay.. Then spill everything out and don't skip reality.
And shut up and sit present to put up with our anger and heartbreak.
Cowardly act to not face the hurt you caused.
We have stayed and tolerated the pain you dished out... So you should as well.
How can a couple heal after infidelity if your husband withdraws?Shouldn’t he be going out of his way to make it better?
it's pretty normal unfortunately. i would push for expert help and let the expert help, help him understand how to move forward in recovery and show some initiative. this video explains more what is happening: ruclips.net/video/mDR88ZMQ_ZE/видео.html
yes but it doesn't m mean they will
Thank you for all these “whys”, but.. what do we BSes DO about it? I am doing my best to make him feel safe and try never to react angrily to anything. I’m near an ulcer from biting the bullet and keeping my stomach in knots so my unfaithful spouse knows I want to make his work as easy as possible. Yet, still withdrawing. Now what? It has been over a year of just shoving my own feelings down so my spouse doesn’t feel threatened. I need more tools.
If my husband doesn't eventually find a way past those things our marriage is going to continue to die a slow painful death.
Lifting you both up in prayers
If you let it.
Or you could draw boundaries you’re willing to backup and rip it off like a band aid. It would hurt as much but all at once, and quicker, and then you’d at least have that part done so you could move forward fearlessly.
How can there be healing for both the betrayed and unfaithful if the unfaithful doesn’t believe they were unfaithful. They admit that they did something wrong but don’t believe they were unfaithful.
that's where expert third party help comes in. a group like ours can analyze the situation and help decide what really happened. or an expert professional.
Thank you for asking the elephant in the room question.
@@samshealingpodcast but only if you can get the unfaithful into such a session. When she thinks what she is doing is the right thing, she's not admitting she did something wrong. Or the wrong she did was not her affair, but marrying you.
That whole "God wants me to be happy" line is what I heard from my ex-wife. Not willing to entertain the idea that there could be a path to happy that included her husband and not her affair partner.
Some believe the affair is the right action and her marriage to you was what she did wrong.
So to the point exactly that silence is poison
This is what is happening to me. We're only two months into discovery, a discovery I made without any disclosure from her. Communication has been totally impossible. When I get upset or even fly into a rage, then she blames me for being violent (I never lay a finger on her) and obnoxious. It's a stone wall. Then she starts to reply positively in that mocking tone that hurts you even more, apparently agreeing to all I say but clearly with no intention to really own the betrayal and make amends. In fact, she thinks she's been justified and draws even more justification for her affair in my being "horrible and repulsive". Truth is our relationship had been flailing, to say the least, for years even before she had her physical affair which I recently discovered was an emotional affair for longer than it's been physical. I was well aware of that we were drifting apart, but stuck to my role of family men and hoped for years things would improve. Now I've discovered I've been duped all along and as a bonus I'm being made feel guilty for the wrecked marriage.
Im glad i found your video Samuel, this video really really help clear my confusion and worry. Now i understand his side and will learn how to communicate with him in the future. Thanks
I usually don't comment on these videos, but this video speaks volumes to me and my situation! Thank you for this video. It really helps me and my spouse out!
The ironic part that is even every time you get triggers. My husband is the opposite. He always explains no matter how upset I am at times he still gives me explanation but the crazy party is, you will still never really be satisfied with the answer. It is something that you are going to have to internally make peace with, not externally
Shouldn’t it come to a point where both parties should want to do what’s best for the marriage. When these things take place it only bring more hurt and harm. 😡😡😡
What to do if your unfaithful spouse thinks of the affair partner during intimacy.
Bout damn time this topic was addressed
thanks for sharing Matt. hope it helped you.
My husband a wonderful man and out of nowhere 16 years later 2 kids 15 and 4, left me for a woman he met in his job it's been almost three years now that they've been living together. I was absolutely shocked disgusted broken hearted and disappointed at what he did to me. He treats me like crap all the time tells me to find myself another man ignores me doesn't care about my feelings my emotions just a stone cold hearted turned individual. But, sometimes he turns around spills his heart says he's sorry he says he loves me that he always thinks about me all the time and gives me his whole paycheck every week but yet continues to treat me like crap and stays with her. I don't get it I really don't get it. Divorce is in process he's doing the papers but it's taking forever I have no idea why. I have cried and yelled from my core. He could care less he seems happy with her he seems like he's in love all my dreams and plans when riding to the garbage. but why does he say he still love me why does he get very angry when he sees me why does he give me all the money that I need???????
hi there. tough situation indeed and i'm sorry for it. he probably feels guilty....he also probably is full of regret for how he hurt you , yet can't break free from the other woman he's now living with. it's somewhat normal my friend. it doesn't usually mean he wants to save the marriage and return, but more often than anything feels guilty and regret for what he's done. does that make sense? i've seen spouses come back and i've seen them stay where they are. without expert help though it's unlikely he will be able to wade through the emotion and confusion my friend. i'm sorry for the pain you feel.
Because the money means nothing to him- it’s guilt.
My ex did a similar thing... He supported me financially until he found a permanent relationship and he then cut me loose. I think he didn't want me to badly of him.
I wish I could communicate with you, the exact same thing is happening to me!!
@@samshealingpodcast So, that means he loves the OW? Because people say a lot that it's limerance and not love but mine did the same and is still with the OW, became a monster suddenly and was a great husband and father for a long time.
Out of the heart abundance, the mouth speaks. Where is,your,accountability? The Selfishness that the,affair rose from is still the problem. You are still blaming get your,innocent spouse. Doesn't help you, doesn't help them.
Each one,will carry their own load.
I wonder Why the Infedility spouse wants to lie or try to lie to the spouse that had witnessed the affair or affairs and how do you get them to stop lying about it?
it's the lack of accountability and living in denial. my wife did the same thing and is obsurde and defiantly narcissistic but also the biggest issue is the deep rooted shame especial in unfaithful women. and honestly only way i got her to stop lying was to stay calm be safe talk slow softly and explain what I saw and knew definitely while reassuring I would make any desicions after disclosure until we got professional help. still took a while and is the hardest thing you will ever do but is really the only way by making the unfaithful feel incredibly safe and validating them while doing so. totally sucks but works. listen to Samuel and follow his lead on most everything bc he has been right 98%of the time with what works for getting through to the unfaithful and understanding the messed up unhealthy mindset they have.
Does the unfaithful ever get better at not doing all the things you mentioned? If so, how?
if they want to and do recovery work, they do for sure. but they have to want to and get expert help. then, they absolutely can stop doing those things and find better pathways of communication and healing. it takes the right work and commitment to the process my friend. it's more than possible.
My spouse is doing all the bullying that has been mentioned in another video, plus he swears he wants this marriage to wrk come hell or high water. But! Refuses to talk or wrk as in counseling or therapy. Ugh, i am feeling depressed and psycho mad
He continues to stonewall, emotionally abusive, uses outbursts of anger as control, fear , intimidation, manipulation & passive aggression
You might have a bigger problem than infidelity. These folks may be able to connect you with resources for abuse counseling. If it has turned that abusive, you might need a different type or level of support. I pray for you that things get better for you quickly and that you stay physically safe, not just emotionally. I’ve heard people can get hurt even accidentally in explosive relationships, and I’d hate for you to get further hurt. I hope you find the help you need to get past this and have a life of peace from abuse.
@@samshealingpodcast I don’t understand this. the unfaithful brought the poison to the relationship yet acts like a victim and uses silence to further abuse their partner. I see no point to work thru any of it with such a disrespectful abusive child. It’s his problem he brought it to the marriage.