As I'm asian old woman, some people like to insult me. Well, those are their behaviors nothing to do with me. So I put 😊 smile on my face, hold my hands like this 🙏 and say loudly "God bless you" while I'm bowing down to them. Usually, they shut their mouthes and run away fast they can with 🥵😰🫣🤬🥺 this kind faces. Then I feel like a WINNER!!!!
I find truly not caring what they think of me and also knowing their predictable patterns a guard against taking it personally and hurting me. I remember that deep down they are a wounded pathetic person. I don't even need to have a come-back. I just ignore what they say as if I didn't register the attempt to upset me and I shortly afterwards disengage. If you're not talking to them or interacting with them, they can't hurt you. I avoid them as much as possible.
I don't care at all what the narc thinks of me and I think she knows it, but she's highly invested in managing the public impression of it. So I get baited in that way, I admit. It's a tough one. I do a lot of avoidance.
A.) Either pull a Lebowski and take a line from The Dude himself, "Well you know, that's like... just your opinion, man." or B.) What I like to do is to just casually stare at the person with a confused look on your face for several seconds until just after it becomes really uncomfortable, then say, "Do I know you? Have we met?" This is especially good if you know the person fairly well.
Life is too short. Cut these people out of your life. I had someone use me as a "vacation destination" then upon arriving do certain things, say certain things & I am trapped now in my own home for days with them. "Your house is so inviting & welcoming," on & on. Well, no more overnight guests. I'm done, my house is my retreat. It is a place I feel safe and I choose a private lifestyle. I set boundaries now, for me to be able to live in peace, always.
Asking (the narc) to explain their insult DOES Work. I have always ask people to Explain their insults. So now everyone insults me behind my back. I know, bc my KID came home from a family dinner once Crying, bc the rest of the family was laughing abt my disability & seemed like trying to get my Kid to do it too. They didn't 👍. Yay Kid, Thanks Babe❤️. But next time anyone's in yet another 'insult' situation, just let your fav narc Know that You Accept the Fact that They Think they're Special. You ACCEPT the Fact tbeyre Delusional. Usually they don't have a response for that as well. Thanks for your Very Helpful Tips!! 😁👍
Without trying to, I’ve discovered ways to annoy & frustrate narcs that aren’t likely to put you in danger, but will simply lead to making the narc walk away (which is what you want). 😂 Christina mentioned two of them: 1) Ask them to explain what they meant by what they said. - Yes, it’s EXACTLY like asking someone to explain a joke, which is why it’s so funny to ask them that! If you’re naturally aloof, use this to your advantage, since you know what it looks & feels like to “play dumb.” 2) “Yes AND” response - Again, I discovered this undeliberately, being my pure & aloof self. 😆 I tend not to pick up on passive-aggressive barbs (like EVER….and I’ll only realize it WAY later & simply have a chuckle over it), since I’m hard-wired to be solution-oriented, so my mind is focused solely on how to solve problems effectively & efficiently (I’m an INTJ). If someone insults me, I’ve always been really good-natured about it, and if it were true, thought that they were just pointing out something factual, so I’d agree w/ them and their plan to hurt me would FLOP. Try it, sometime, f you have a narc in your life who likes to insult you! As Cristina mentioned, narcs want you to REACT EMOTIONALLY, so if you don’t, it deflates them. --- I highly, highly recommend playing dumb as one of your primary weapons against narcissistic attacks. I’ve never met a narc who was willing to explain ANYTHING, so you’ll have a high success rate-they’ll want to pick a “better” target who takes their words at face value & never questions anything.
Oh God this narc friend i recently figured out started befriending me and telling me shes afraid of me. And I was so baffled like whyyyy. And it turned out shes afraid of me asking questions. I did it right before her masks slipped I asked her what she meant by her experiencing rock bottom and she cant answer me 😂
"UNDELIBERATELY" is NOT a word. 'INDELIBERATELY" IS a word. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU! MY NOW X-SIBLINGS ARE HORRIBLE! FREEDOM IS WHEN WE FINALLY SEE THE MONSTERS FOR WHO THEY ARE!
@@MaureenSchorsch-b2s Merriam-Webster seems to disagree-do you think that means they’re used interchangeably? www.google.com/search?q=undeliberate&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari Yes….FREEDOM from the tyranny of narcissists is unrivaled-this is when life actually begins.
@@redefinedliving5974 I wish more people understood the power of inquisitiveness to annoy narcs! You’re holding up a mirror to them, and most won’t turn violent and smash their fists into it to shatter it-they’ll often walk away and find other supply.
I like the way you put these together. The Pattern Interrupt is a sudden unexpected twist. I did the first one the other day. I went to a Quaker meeting and someone covert [butter wouldn't melt false self] deliberately sat where I often sit - I felt it was malicious. I became very positively impressed by a wise set of proverbs I was reading and was smiling to myself at the wit of the clever writer. The covert looked 'shifty' [this was the proof it was deliberate kind of 'Patten Interrupt' - using seats not words] and as I remained composed and in wonder at these proverbs, the covert suddenly went in to a wild coughing fit and had to leave the meeting - Providence? Guilt? Shock at no emotional reaction. What you say about keeping composed and offering no or unexpected response really is effective. Thank you for these videos. ; ) K
Lame Passive-aggressive tactics, a (thankfully former) coworker pulled similar Stunts: leaning back in the chair in a small room so her “target” couldn’t pass by without asking her to move, needlessly provoking awkward confrontation. borderline psychopathic behavior IMO.
My abuser would go ballistic if I told them their insult didn't work. It would provoke them to kick it up ten notches more to ensure it does work. So, I disagree with that one.
Look at like their coco for Coco Puffs not reaching is priceless they shut up and try something different all their doing is make you leave them then you won!!! They will come back to finish you off that's when you go no contact drive them crazy like they do you it works
What you are saying is very good, recently God showed me to say this when I am insulted; "why are you telling me that." I have had family members mock my home decor because I put lots of things on the walls, my husband and I enjoy this kind of decoration. They have mocked it without speaking to me directly but referring to me in front of me. I know it has been a topic of conversation in our daughter's home because her children have said things like; "Granny doesn't have any more room on her walls for one more thing" in a mocking voice with me standing right there. His parents quickly called him out to stop because they knew he was revealing that they talk about me in their home in negative ways. I missed an opportunity to say; "I'm standing right here." The fact that he would address everyone else with me standing right there tells me the level of disregard he had for me and that he knew the whole family would be on his side in his rudeness. I miss a lot of opportunities because I don't always think fast enough to respond at all. This was also the same day they mocked my table decor without one compliment. They are rude mean people without a conscience. I have gone no contact with them as much as possible. I think "why are you telling me that" is excellent because they can't possibly be honest as to why they are saying it.
@yuu_miran Thank you for this. I started praising God and thanking Him for everything in my life. First, the good things like the beautiful day, my children, a rainbow, always having food, living in a nice house that keeps out the cold and rain, etcetera. Then I would thank Him for the bad things like the narcissist, the abuse I suffered, the flying monkeys, and such like that. It was not easy, but living like that has stopped my anxiety. Right now, we are in a time of peace. They are getting their way with different members of their family, so I am not a target at this time, but I also am not delusional enough to think anything has changed with them as it hasn't. God's faithfulness is my shield and bulwark. I will not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day.
There are so many dangerous narcs out there that would disagree and not even make sense... feel like they have proven a point even if they never do. As long as they feel better. If i ask for an explanation i would only get the response that they don't need to explain anything to me. If i am calm they would tell me that i am trying to act better than them... they would scream and shout at me for hours. The more calm i am the more dangerous it becomes. Infront of people who i am seems like the worst person i can describe but he has a way of making me look so bad without being able to prove i am not unless i stand up for myself in which case he will use lies and belittle me further. To others these lies seem so real. I can post a whole 5 page blog about this, but point is... there are narcs who are just too dangerous to even try to defeat. I hope all others find a way to get up and defend yourselves before it gets to a dangerous point where your life is taken over. These tips are good and would have been amazing if i knew this SO many years ago. Be strong! Your lives mean alot more than it may feel under this pressure. Thank you for these videos.
Never take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from And turn that around and use it on them - it has an amazingly profound and powerful effect Make sure you have the runs on the board first though and can actually back it up It destroys narcissists in their tracks
Excellent! I’m gonna write these down. It helps to feel PREPARED. I find saying to a mirror helps get it into my brain and make me more confident… even though it feels weird. Standing up for myself is foreign…hence PRACTICING AHEAD will be the key! Thank you Cristina!
This is helpful information UNLESS you are stuck dealing with a malignant narcissist. I found that zero response was best (we’re not family or friends). There was never time or opportunity for me to say anything smart at all. Now she gets no supply from me.
My Narc Neighbor has been harassing me relentlessly in a passive aggressive, snarky way including trespassing in our woods, calling the county on us for bogus violations and such. One day recently she tried to use a sweetness approach on me and asked me, "So WHY did you all move here?????" From the tone and inflections used I could tell it was not at all a sincere interest in us or our reasons but rather a way to make me feel like we don't belong or maybe even to dig for info to use against us. I kind of used some of the methods mentioned here -- I paused, contemplated and said, "Like, how do you mean?" LOL it made her have to make it sound sincere and nice so she had to clarify her question with details. I then said, "because we like it. -- Why did YOU move here?"
I realized quickly that my next door neighbor only wanted to get to know me in order to find ways to interfere with me or hurt me or call the police or code on me...always invalidly. So, for the first time in my life, I refuse to look at her, interact, talk, or acknowledge her presence in any way. There is no reason to put myself at risk for the sake of decorum or goodwill. This person does not want friendship. They want to control me or ruin my life. I make no bones about it. If they call to me as I pass by on the street or in my yard, I look the other way and ignore them. Sadly, I also have to tell people not to talk about anything in my yard as she will always come out to eavesdrop and then use any information, even as simple as when I am going someplace or what I am doing, to cause problems in my life. My husband wondered why I couldn't just have fun with her, as he was a jokester. But, she literally would find ways to use any conversation, no matter how benign, to judge me or tell me what to do, or to get other information from me. Nope. I don't have to be neighborly with someone who doesn't understand the word.
I have an 83 yr old neighbor - she is 'Holier Than Thou' if you get my meaning... At a neighborhood party a few days ago, she 'threatened me'; I 'gave her a good one' asked her 'Why?') - then, left! I do not care what the 'old B' says - she has nothing to 'Lord over' me that I care about!
Haven't talked to my narcissistic sister in 5 years and my other pain in the ass narcissistic sister I just say simply ..."Think what you want"....or.... "That's your opinion" .... or .... "I feel sorry for you" ....or I just "Gray Rock" her...... and I just never call her first anymore... or ....go into SILENCE.....mode....
The person who remains calm and unbothered is the one who comes out on top, regardless of what the other person says. So as long as you maintain that calm assertive composure, I’d take it as a win 🙏❤️
Sometimes with my friends i will catch myself saying something insulting and then I'm like oh that was kinda mean. But i hope they know I'm joking and dont take it seriously, just trying to make them laugh because i love them. Think we all can relate. Because they have done the same to me. Love this relationship ❤️
I didn't know that was what that meant. I always thought it meant I may see you before you see me, but not to hide from them 😄. I use that but never meant that 🤦🏽♀️
That’s exactly what I thought but I couldn’t make it make sense… because if you see me first, I should still be able to *see* you! Unless of course you hide 😆 It’s almost always just used as a goofy joke, which is another reason I think I has trouble figuring it out 🤔
@@CommonEgo Yeah, any time I've been told that response, it's been done by someone I don't have a conflict with, so it could be insulting if used by a nasty person, but I think it's used as just a silly retort by most people.
I've had people I know hide their faces when I see them in public. I respect their privacy and pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I can go even 🐢slower if you want? All your insults and grievances have been noted, carry on.✌
This was a really good video!! Thanks. We have so much about what narcissistic people do, but we need more videos on how to respond to it. Another one that I struggled with was the "its just a joke" deflection... Any tips are welcome.
@@CommonEgo "It was funny! 😀" Is what they will say. Or they will say: "You got no sense of humor". By throwing one back, you stay in the same energy. I think we need something different... another energy to counter it.
Your videos are priceless. Thank you for the super useful responses to insults. Your examples are so well placed and your delivery... You are a good teacher. I really liked how you said to first, stay calm, and then to be ready to do something like "pay close attention to what you're feeling and experiencing." I realize now that I've so often taken an unspoken queue and when indirectly insulted I've thought, "I'm pretty sure that is insulting, but I don't know." I feel like my mouth opens because I don't know what question to ask. It isn't open; It is just a feeling, but in my mind there is an uncomfortable pause. It hasn't often occurred to me to just ask for more information/an explanation. I value true connection, authenticity, and curiosity!!, even if it seems out of the box, so to speak. I don't know why it should be out of the box to ask for an explanation. It is actually really authentic! PS - I didn't know what it meant either until now! I thought it was from a movie or show I didn't see or just something illogical that people sometimes say, ha!! Now I know. Maybe the people saying it don't know? I might ask next time just to see.
Thank you 🙏❤️ Staying calm and confident is so important. And I have to admit I feel a little better that I’m not the only one who didn’t know what that phrase meant! Even if people saying it do know what it means, I think most are just being a little goofy because usually both people laugh (which only added to my confusion 🙃)
When I was in college, a guy knocked on my door, when I opened it he he said, you’re not all that good looking. Taken by surprise, I looked at him and said, neither are you. He just turned around and walked away.
I have a customer that comes in every day and always has a cheap shot at me or my business. My first reaction is not good. I dread her daily visit. I just smile and blow off whatever she says.
Do you have a policy sign posted for zero tolerance behavior? This is above your pay scale and responsibility level. Some people are just rude however don't give a reward for bad behavior. Can consult management on posting a zero tolerance and harassment behavior sign. Standing up for yourself assertively is setting boundaries. It's not okay to talk to me this way is one authoritative way of dealing with rude people.
@@sherriflemming3218 we have a zero tolerance policy for employees, nothing for public. The customer is very short women and I'm much taller. I just look down at her and smile a sarcastic smile. I did ask my supervisor what to do, they know each other, no advice from her but to ignore it.
Maybe the question, "Why do you say that?" might work? It is tricky if your boss is friends with them. If the boss is willing to let a customer abuse you, it makes me wonder if the work environment is also abusive for you. Maybe something to ponder...
That's How I Gave My Narc Friend an Injury once he was Berating Me over the Phone but Very Vaguely... "Everyone Thinks They Can Do this but they Can't, Everyone Thinks Their Smarter than They Are"... ETC. I asked Very Specifically You're Telling Me This? He Went Ballistic to The Point My Phone Shut off and wouldn't turn back on for Several Minutes. I Believe From all the Negative Energy. I will always believe there is a spiritual aspect to this based on my experiences with Narcs. It's like they are all connected to an Evil Hive Mind.
I'm praying right now that the next time my son verbally abusive son is belittling me I can stay calm and let him know that if he's trying to hurt me to get me to react that it's not working.
I think that when a narc insults you, they do it to hear your response... to memorize it and use it in future when someone insults them the same way, it sort of like a +1 to defense kind of thing, sometimes they would just copy your response word-by-word. Did anyone notice that?
Similarly, when they spit passive-aggressive remarks, that may be memorized response. It comes out as passive-aggressive, but it's just empty "magic phrase" there's nothing behind it, plus bad timing, a narc may not even understand fully what it means so, yeah, asking them to explain is great approach, it can definitely put "learning robot" in short circuit
This is definitely true , mine has stolen so many of the things and saying I have used forever and than claims them as their own . Now that have learned about gaslighting - guess who accuses me of it all the time ? I know when they catch my focus to narcissists how it’s gonna show up with them already and the accusations will be there . We do the work to learn and heal , they poorly copy us in an attempt to appear whole .
Once you realize that you’re dealing with a crocodile, you’re not going to be put off balance by the dangerous smile or the phony tears. Stay mindful and you won’t be startled or distracted when they come at you.
Yeah, me either. I always took it to mean that they felt a connection with me and were just trying to make a joke to show they also wanted to see me. It's quite possible the meaning has changed over time, or that different people use it differently. If someone is trying to be covert and offensive, I guess I'd figure it out later and decide how to respond or to extract myself from the relationship.
Question: if someone is raging at you, saying hurtful things, name calling and insulting you. What if you respond; You seems very angry, do you need a hug from a non angry person, it might help you. Then open your arms signaling your ready to hug them.
Great video! I was glad to hear you say that you didn't understand the "not if I see you first retort". I thought I was the only one!😅. I never got that joke and finally asked a coworker during my senior yr in highschool. I felt a little dumb for not picking up on it but like you said, I think I was looking for something a bit deeper. Anyway I love your content here and happy to be subscribed.😊
When they come at me with an accusation of something i didnt do... a.k.a telling me what they did ... i like to say, I know what i did and & didnt do. nothing you say will change the truth.
If you are insulted from head to toe and then left to right then...after they are done ranting say: "Thank you very much for letting me know this information. If there is anything else you want to add to this please feel free! (They will feel humiliated at that point because you just won)
When I left, she tried to hurt me three times in her statements in her texts. She said I called her a dirty name. I asked her to clarify that she got really mad and told me that I was BS'ing her. She didn't want to clarify and the conversation was over anyway and I haven't spoken to her since it's been almost 3 months now
Why be concearned a out the opinions of liars? They have no real power over you and their words should have even less. Don't engage them, they are only trying to manipulate you into a weaker position. Like my dad taught me, "never give them the satisfaction".
They was doing it to me until I stop giving them money. I started keeping my money and saving it. And when I do spend money it's on the rent, my phone bill, internet and stuff for me. But yeah keeping your money when you was giving it to them is very effective. And yes. Stop accepting gifts from them. Or like you said don't accept the bait. You really know what you're talking about. Because I was going through the disrespect from her for years until I just decided to start saying no.
Saaaame. She's my soon-to-be -ex-MIL of 17 years, but it's just now that I've figured out that she's a narcissist. I knew she was an abuser, but it all made sense just recently.
Very Useful and even the comment section is fulk of response gems, the covert narc catches you off guard and u dont know how to respond in some situations. So i have to make a list.
I shut my brother down the other day, in front of a party of about thirty. He insulted me and I stood up and used the same words out loud, I called him my boy and son. I honestly am never really concerned about other people in the room or their opinion of me even though I may be embarrassing myself. Two days later he comes by and the first thing he says i embarrassed him, later in the conversation he said I embarrassed myself and said I didn't embarrass him. I reminded him, the first thing you said was I embarrassed you 😂
I would like them to explain the doubts they cast upon me. Then I can carry on with my goal or our goal feeling I've dealt with or corrected the distraction.
SOME NARSASISTS HAVE VERY LITTLE TO NO EMOTIONS THEY WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU HOW TO HAVE NORMAL EMOTIONS THEY WILL CREATE FIGHTS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY STUDY THEMSELF
Hi i was wondering how you deal with a narc whilst whilst in a meeting with the head of your kids school, all my ex did was belittle me & my parenting though out the meeting, i did get angry in the end x
You don't even need to ask them to explain anything just have body gesture like you eagerly want to know what they just said and ask them to repeat it. "Sorry, sorry can you please repeat I didn't hear what you said?" They never repeat the "jab" just start taking about something else with an annoyed look on their face...
BEFORE I realized ALL my (now x-siblings) saw me, their first mission was to hurt me. My narcissistic x-sister ALWAYS told me how she HATEAS MY HAIR COLOR AND EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME. The difference between us is this......SHE IS WEALTHY. I AM NOT! I MAKE IT THROUGH THREE WEEKS FINANCIALLY...THE LAST WEEK, I'M LIVING OFF STALE TUMS. NO KIDDING! SO SHE HAS WIGS, HER HAIR PROFESSIONALLY COLORED (AN UGLY WHITE). WHEN I FINALLY REALIZED ALL FOUR X-SIBLINGS JABBED AT ME IN ONE FORM OR A HUNDRED OTHERS, I DIS-OWNED THEM. I DON'T NEED THAT! IT FEELS GREAT KNOWING I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THESE MONSTERS AGAIN! FREEDOM!!!
I have anxiety dealing with my father so I have distanced myself and wont subject my children to his narcissistic tactics any longer so I dont make any plans to even visit anymore and any kind if contact is by text. I dont even want to hear his voice
I prefer not getting into lengthy conversations with such a thing. I would just opt to say “I hear you” and act indifferent. This will drive the insulter ballistic
If you criticize him he's going to criticize you,. Don't tell him to try harder to offend you cause he will you will regret having said that to him. Pray that the Lord Jesus help him heal his brokenness. Help you to have the courage to walk away. Respect yourself. He doesn't. Someone has hurt him he hadn't gotten the help he needs.
Perhaps people should choose to make videos that highlight positive aspects like actually giving instructions to stepping off of the "forever-a-bitter-victim" ride.
Christina I love your hairstyle here my friend , do me a little favour try find a hairbrush that is wooden with good quality bristles and brush your hair with that before go to video , it's going to help the strands of hair look more together in a good way ♥️♥️🌹🌹 I had to ask Christina about this , it's the Virgo in me. . .
1. Explain the insult… your a looser, are you trying to insult me 2. Criticism- Response is “Yes…and…. 3. If..then…. If you were trying to hurt me, THEN you failed 4. Pattern interruption….. Say something nice…..
Probation an avid tips 😂😂😂😥Twitter Instagram judge police all chained trapped to Owen Cath coming soon beach ball fish about send me prison as a fish back to data request back to Dr magic ya ya ya
I have to admit, I'm a little relieved to know I wasn't the only one who didn't understand that phrase! 😂
Download here: www.commonego.com/gaslighting
Wait.... That's what 'not if I see you first' means?!?!
Me neither it's quite a disappointment
@@steph3098I know right , what a disappointment mmm 🤔 ?
Very well explained❤
As I'm asian old woman, some people like to insult me. Well, those are their behaviors nothing to do with me. So I put 😊 smile on my face, hold my hands like this 🙏 and say loudly "God bless you" while I'm bowing down to them.
Usually, they shut their mouthes and run away fast they can with 🥵😰🫣🤬🥺 this kind faces. Then I feel like a WINNER!!!!
Reminds me of the "Bless your heart " phrase used in the South.❤😊
Southern culture and Asian culture, share many respect based similarities
Well Thought Out 🥰♥️🌹
Ohhh I like that one!!!❤
Wonderful! God bless you.
Great tactic,it drives them nuts, when they can"t get you upset. Watch em squirm.
“Not if I see you first”
“Then guess you will have done us both a favor” 😂
I find truly not caring what they think of me and also knowing their predictable patterns a guard against taking it personally and hurting me. I remember that deep down they are a wounded pathetic person. I don't even need to have a come-back. I just ignore what they say as if I didn't register the attempt to upset me and I shortly afterwards disengage. If you're not talking to them or interacting with them, they can't hurt you. I avoid them as much as possible.
Definitely the best first line of defense when possible 🙏❤️
Exactly what I do: Avoid and ignore.
I don't care at all what the narc thinks of me and I think she knows it, but she's highly invested in managing the public impression of it. So I get baited in that way, I admit. It's a tough one. I do a lot of avoidance.
A.) Either pull a Lebowski and take a line from The Dude himself, "Well you know, that's like... just your opinion, man." or
B.) What I like to do is to just casually stare at the person with a confused look on your face for several seconds until just after it becomes really uncomfortable, then say, "Do I know you? Have we met?" This is especially good if you know the person fairly well.
Life is too short. Cut these people out of your life. I had someone use me as a "vacation destination" then upon arriving do certain things, say certain things & I am trapped now in my own home for days with them. "Your house is so inviting & welcoming," on & on. Well, no more overnight guests. I'm done, my house is my retreat. It is a place I feel safe and I choose a private lifestyle. I set boundaries now, for me to be able to live in peace, always.
Asking (the narc) to explain their insult DOES Work. I have always ask people to Explain their insults. So now everyone insults me behind my back. I know, bc my KID came home from a family dinner once Crying, bc the rest of the family was laughing abt my disability & seemed like trying to get my Kid to do it too. They didn't 👍. Yay Kid, Thanks Babe❤️. But next time anyone's in yet another 'insult' situation, just let your fav narc Know that You Accept the Fact that They Think they're Special. You ACCEPT the Fact tbeyre Delusional. Usually they don't have a response for that as well. Thanks for your Very Helpful Tips!! 😁👍
Without trying to, I’ve discovered ways to annoy & frustrate narcs that aren’t likely to put you in danger, but will simply lead to making the narc walk away (which is what you want). 😂
Christina mentioned two of them:
1) Ask them to explain what they meant by what they said. - Yes, it’s EXACTLY like asking someone to explain a joke, which is why it’s so funny to ask them that! If you’re naturally aloof, use this to your advantage, since you know what it looks & feels like to “play dumb.”
2) “Yes AND” response - Again, I discovered this undeliberately, being my pure & aloof self. 😆 I tend not to pick up on passive-aggressive barbs (like EVER….and I’ll only realize it WAY later & simply have a chuckle over it), since I’m hard-wired to be solution-oriented, so my mind is focused solely on how to solve problems effectively & efficiently (I’m an INTJ). If someone insults me, I’ve always been really good-natured about it, and if it were true, thought that they were just pointing out something factual, so I’d agree w/ them and their plan to hurt me would FLOP. Try it, sometime, f you have a narc in your life who likes to insult you! As Cristina mentioned, narcs want you to REACT EMOTIONALLY, so if you don’t, it deflates them.
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I highly, highly recommend playing dumb as one of your primary weapons against narcissistic attacks. I’ve never met a narc who was willing to explain ANYTHING, so you’ll have a high success rate-they’ll want to pick a “better” target who takes their words at face value & never questions anything.
Oh God this narc friend i recently figured out started befriending me and telling me shes afraid of me. And I was so baffled like whyyyy. And it turned out shes afraid of me asking questions. I did it right before her masks slipped I asked her what she meant by her experiencing rock bottom and she cant answer me 😂
"UNDELIBERATELY" is NOT a word. 'INDELIBERATELY" IS a word. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU! MY NOW X-SIBLINGS ARE HORRIBLE! FREEDOM IS WHEN WE FINALLY SEE THE MONSTERS FOR WHO THEY ARE!
@@MaureenSchorsch-b2s Merriam-Webster seems to disagree-do you think that means they’re used interchangeably?
www.google.com/search?q=undeliberate&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari
Yes….FREEDOM from the tyranny of narcissists is unrivaled-this is when life actually begins.
@@redefinedliving5974 I wish more people understood the power of inquisitiveness to annoy narcs! You’re holding up a mirror to them, and most won’t turn violent and smash their fists into it to shatter it-they’ll often walk away and find other supply.
I like the way you put these together. The Pattern Interrupt is a sudden unexpected twist. I did the first one the other day. I went to a Quaker meeting and someone covert [butter wouldn't melt false self] deliberately sat where I often sit - I felt it was malicious. I became very positively impressed by a wise set of proverbs I was reading and was smiling to myself at the wit of the clever writer. The covert looked 'shifty' [this was the proof it was deliberate kind of 'Patten Interrupt' - using seats not words] and as I remained composed and in wonder at these proverbs, the covert suddenly went in to a wild coughing fit and had to leave the meeting - Providence? Guilt? Shock at no emotional reaction. What you say about keeping composed and offering no or unexpected response really is effective. Thank you for these videos. ; ) K
Lame Passive-aggressive tactics, a (thankfully former) coworker pulled similar Stunts: leaning back in the chair in a small room so her “target” couldn’t pass by without asking her to move, needlessly provoking awkward confrontation. borderline psychopathic behavior IMO.
How about this backhanded compliment/insult…. “You are pretty, that is not one of your deficits!”
My abuser would go ballistic if I told them their insult didn't work. It would provoke them to kick it up ten notches more to ensure it does work. So, I disagree with that one.
I hope you're safe and out of that relationship.
@@sherriflemming3218 Yes
Thank you very much. I give credit to vids like this for opening my eyes and essentially giving me my life back. 🙂
Look at like their coco for Coco Puffs not reaching is priceless they shut up and try something different all their doing is make you leave them then you won!!! They will come back to finish you off that's when you go no contact drive them crazy like they do you it works
Only if they know that they still have control of you and your emotions.
Doing you mean physical b violence
What you are saying is very good, recently God showed me to say this when I am insulted; "why are you telling me that." I have had family members mock my home decor because I put lots of things on the walls, my husband and I enjoy this kind of decoration. They have mocked it without speaking to me directly but referring to me in front of me. I know it has been a topic of conversation in our daughter's home because her children have said things like; "Granny doesn't have any more room on her walls for one more thing" in a mocking voice with me standing right there. His parents quickly called him out to stop because they knew he was revealing that they talk about me in their home in negative ways. I missed an opportunity to say; "I'm standing right here." The fact that he would address everyone else with me standing right there tells me the level of disregard he had for me and that he knew the whole family would be on his side in his rudeness. I miss a lot of opportunities because I don't always think fast enough to respond at all. This was also the same day they mocked my table decor without one compliment. They are rude mean people without a conscience. I have gone no contact with them as much as possible.
I think "why are you telling me that" is excellent because they can't possibly be honest as to why they are saying it.
I start trembling as soon as they walk up to talk to me.
me too. not everyone has inner resources to teach them a lesson. i reccommend you pray and read psalms daily.
@yuu_miran Thank you for this. I started praising God and thanking Him for everything in my life. First, the good things like the beautiful day, my children, a rainbow, always having food, living in a nice house that keeps out the cold and rain, etcetera. Then I would thank Him for the bad things like the narcissist, the abuse I suffered, the flying monkeys, and such like that. It was not easy, but living like that has stopped my anxiety. Right now, we are in a time of peace. They are getting their way with different members of their family, so I am not a target at this time, but I also am not delusional enough to think anything has changed with them as it hasn't. God's faithfulness is my shield and bulwark. I will not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day.
I’ve never known ‘not if I see you first’ could be an insult. I always thought it was a Happy comment.
There are so many dangerous narcs out there that would disagree and not even make sense... feel like they have proven a point even if they never do. As long as they feel better. If i ask for an explanation i would only get the response that they don't need to explain anything to me. If i am calm they would tell me that i am trying to act better than them... they would scream and shout at me for hours. The more calm i am the more dangerous it becomes. Infront of people who i am seems like the worst person i can describe but he has a way of making me look so bad without being able to prove i am not unless i stand up for myself in which case he will use lies and belittle me further. To others these lies seem so real. I can post a whole 5 page blog about this, but point is... there are narcs who are just too dangerous to even try to defeat. I hope all others find a way to get up and defend yourselves before it gets to a dangerous point where your life is taken over. These tips are good and would have been amazing if i knew this SO many years ago. Be strong! Your lives mean alot more than it may feel under this pressure. Thank you for these videos.
Never take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from
And turn that around and use it on them - it has an amazingly profound and powerful effect
Make sure you have the runs on the board first though and can actually back it up
It destroys narcissists in their tracks
Dont cone down to thier level. Spinning words will work short term, but staying in these people's sphere will only hurt you. Get out.
Excellent! I’m gonna write these down. It helps to feel PREPARED. I find saying to a mirror helps get it into my brain and make me more confident… even though it feels weird. Standing up for myself is foreign…hence PRACTICING AHEAD will be the key! Thank you Cristina!
Great idea! Thank you !
This is helpful information UNLESS you are stuck dealing with a malignant narcissist. I found that zero response was best (we’re not family or friends). There was never time or opportunity for me to say anything smart at all. Now she gets no supply from me.
My Narc Neighbor has been harassing me relentlessly in a passive aggressive, snarky way including trespassing in our woods, calling the county on us for bogus violations and such. One day recently she tried to use a sweetness approach on me and asked me, "So WHY did you all move here?????" From the tone and inflections used I could tell it was not at all a sincere interest in us or our reasons but rather a way to make me feel like we don't belong or maybe even to dig for info to use against us. I kind of used some of the methods mentioned here -- I paused, contemplated and said, "Like, how do you mean?" LOL it made her have to make it sound sincere and nice so she had to clarify her question with details. I then said, "because we like it. -- Why did YOU move here?"
🙏❤️🙏
I realized quickly that my next door neighbor only wanted to get to know me in order to find ways to interfere with me or hurt me or call the police or code on me...always invalidly. So, for the first time in my life, I refuse to look at her, interact, talk, or acknowledge her presence in any way. There is no reason to put myself at risk for the sake of decorum or goodwill. This person does not want friendship. They want to control me or ruin my life. I make no bones about it. If they call to me as I pass by on the street or in my yard, I look the other way and ignore them. Sadly, I also have to tell people not to talk about anything in my yard as she will always come out to eavesdrop and then use any information, even as simple as when I am going someplace or what I am doing, to cause problems in my life. My husband wondered why I couldn't just have fun with her, as he was a jokester. But, she literally would find ways to use any conversation, no matter how benign, to judge me or tell me what to do, or to get other information from me. Nope. I don't have to be neighborly with someone who doesn't understand the word.
Ha! Good comeback!🙌🏻
I have an 83 yr old neighbor - she is 'Holier Than Thou' if you get my meaning...
At a neighborhood party a few days ago, she 'threatened me'; I 'gave her a good one' asked her 'Why?') - then, left!
I do not care what the 'old B' says - she has nothing to 'Lord over' me that I care about!
Haven't talked to my narcissistic sister in 5 years and my other pain in the ass narcissistic sister I just say simply ..."Think what you want"....or.... "That's your opinion" .... or .... "I feel sorry for you" ....or I just "Gray Rock" her...... and I just never call her first anymore... or ....go into SILENCE.....mode....
If you ask them to explain they usually say, "figure it out for yourself."
The person who remains calm and unbothered is the one who comes out on top, regardless of what the other person says. So as long as you maintain that calm assertive composure, I’d take it as a win 🙏❤️
@@CommonEgo Absolutely. Maintain your power and composure is self control. Emotional regulation.
3:14 “Ask them to explain it.” Yes!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I will remember that next time someone tries to insult me.
Another good one
I can agree with you if you like, then we can both be wrong 😂
This had me laughing.
Sometimes with my friends i will catch myself saying something insulting and then I'm like oh that was kinda mean. But i hope they know I'm joking and dont take it seriously, just trying to make them laugh because i love them. Think we all can relate. Because they have done the same to me. Love this relationship ❤️
I didn't know that was what that meant. I always thought it meant I may see you before you see me, but not to hide from them 😄. I use that but never meant that 🤦🏽♀️
That’s exactly what I thought but I couldn’t make it make sense… because if you see me first, I should still be able to *see* you! Unless of course you hide 😆
It’s almost always just used as a goofy joke, which is another reason I think I has trouble figuring it out 🤔
@@CommonEgo Yeah, any time I've been told that response, it's been done by someone I don't have a conflict with, so it could be insulting if used by a nasty person, but I think it's used as just a silly retort by most people.
@@CommonEgo 😄😄
I was going to leave the very same comment. Lol I'm glad I'm not the only one just learning this.
I've had people I know hide their faces when I see them in public. I respect their privacy and pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I can go even 🐢slower if you want? All your insults and grievances have been noted, carry on.✌
and those comments that could have two meanings... asking for an explanation is such a great response!
I say oh wow ur so kind thankyou! + Dont stay in their energy field again+ if u cant avoid it just smile as it annoys horid rude ego driven ppl😅
Ignore and walk away
Ver, very, very, very helpful!! Thank you so much..
Thank you for the "yes and.. " instead of "yes, but..." tip, this will def make it easier to cope!
This was a really good video!! Thanks. We have so much about what narcissistic people do, but we need more videos on how to respond to it.
Another one that I struggled with was the "its just a joke" deflection...
Any tips are welcome.
Oh, I thought jokes were supposed to be funny 🤷♀️🙃
@@CommonEgo "It was funny! 😀"
Is what they will say. Or they will say:
"You got no sense of humor".
By throwing one back, you stay in the same energy. I think we need something different... another energy to counter it.
Christina you are the bomb 💣
Thank you for brilliant advice. ❤
I need this my Aunt is an narcissist she suck you in than when you get angry she point out. Oh I’m sorry I’ll go away now but she’s a victim.
Your videos are priceless. Thank you for the super useful responses to insults. Your examples are so well placed and your delivery... You are a good teacher.
I really liked how you said to first, stay calm, and then to be ready to do something like "pay close attention to what you're feeling and experiencing."
I realize now that I've so often taken an unspoken queue and when indirectly insulted I've thought, "I'm pretty sure that is insulting, but I don't know."
I feel like my mouth opens because I don't know what question to ask. It isn't open; It is just a feeling, but in my mind there is an uncomfortable pause. It hasn't often occurred to me to just ask for more information/an explanation.
I value true connection, authenticity, and curiosity!!, even if it seems out of the box, so to speak. I don't know why it should be out of the box to ask for an explanation. It is actually really authentic!
PS - I didn't know what it meant either until now! I thought it was from a movie or show I didn't see or just something illogical that people sometimes say, ha!! Now I know. Maybe the people saying it don't know? I might ask next time just to see.
Thank you 🙏❤️ Staying calm and confident is so important.
And I have to admit I feel a little better that I’m not the only one who didn’t know what that phrase meant! Even if people saying it do know what it means, I think most are just being a little goofy because usually both people laugh (which only added to my confusion 🙃)
I like to say "I'm sorry YOU feel that way"
You are good to provide this advice. Thanks 👍
When I was in college, a guy knocked on my door, when I opened it he he said, you’re not all that good looking. Taken by surprise, I looked at him and said, neither are you. He just turned around and walked away.
" NOT when I see you first" it's in the word: NOT , The word not says IF I see you first, I will do something that you than not seeing me.
I have a customer that comes in every day and always has a cheap shot at me or my business. My first reaction is not good. I dread her daily visit. I just smile and blow off whatever she says.
That’s freakin bizarre /bordering on psychopathic, tell her you have a zero b.s. tolerance policy & to take a long walk on a short pier. 😂
Do you have a policy sign posted for zero tolerance behavior? This is above your pay scale and responsibility level. Some people are just rude however don't give a reward for bad behavior. Can consult management on posting a zero tolerance and harassment behavior sign.
Standing up for yourself assertively is setting boundaries. It's not okay to talk to me this way is one authoritative way of dealing with rude people.
@@sherriflemming3218 we have a zero tolerance policy for employees, nothing for public. The customer is very short women and I'm much taller. I just look down at her and smile a sarcastic smile. I did ask my supervisor what to do, they know each other, no advice from her but to ignore it.
Maybe the question, "Why do you say that?" might work? It is tricky if your boss is friends with them. If the boss is willing to let a customer abuse you, it makes me wonder if the work environment is also abusive for you. Maybe something to ponder...
Well…I did not know that was the meaning behind “not if I see you first” .
🤣🤣
I have told him we will no longer do evening conversations that we will text. No longer enabling his ego. I will resist voice calls 📞
I didn’t know what that meant either until now 😮
Can these tactics work in a social setting where there are enablers and flying monkeys and other covert narcissists like in laws relatives or family ?
That's How I Gave My Narc Friend an Injury once he was Berating Me over the Phone but Very Vaguely... "Everyone Thinks They Can Do this but they Can't, Everyone Thinks Their Smarter than They Are"... ETC. I asked Very Specifically You're Telling Me This? He Went Ballistic to The Point My Phone Shut off and wouldn't turn back on for Several Minutes. I Believe From all the Negative Energy. I will always believe there is a spiritual aspect to this based on my experiences with Narcs. It's like they are all connected to an Evil Hive Mind.
I'm praying right now that the next time my son verbally abusive son is belittling me I can stay calm and let him know that if he's trying to hurt me to get me to react that it's not working.
Thanks for explaining what that means.... i didn't know until now
Can you make a video on how to detach and break from the energetic pull when we see narcissist with new supply?
I love that advise - can you explain that ? Because it will really makes them look stupid & your throwing the ball back in their court !
I think that when a narc insults you, they do it to hear your response... to memorize it and use it in future when someone insults them the same way, it sort of like a +1 to defense kind of thing, sometimes they would just copy your response word-by-word. Did anyone notice that?
Similarly, when they spit passive-aggressive remarks, that may be memorized response. It comes out as passive-aggressive, but it's just empty "magic phrase" there's nothing behind it, plus bad timing, a narc may not even understand fully what it means so, yeah, asking them to explain is great approach, it can definitely put "learning robot" in short circuit
This is definitely true , mine has stolen so many of the things and saying I have used forever and than claims them as their own .
Now that have learned about gaslighting - guess who accuses me of it all the time ?
I know when they catch my focus to narcissists how it’s gonna show up with them already and the accusations will be there .
We do the work to learn and heal , they poorly copy us in an attempt to appear whole .
Once you realize that you’re dealing with a crocodile, you’re not going to be put off balance by the dangerous smile or the phony tears. Stay mindful and you won’t be startled or distracted when they come at you.
"NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST" Means they are hiding? Never ever took it that way
I never thought that either
Yeah, me either. I always took it to mean that they felt a connection with me and were just trying to make a joke to show they also wanted to see me. It's quite possible the meaning has changed over time, or that different people use it differently. If someone is trying to be covert and offensive, I guess I'd figure it out later and decide how to respond or to extract myself from the relationship.
Question: if someone is raging at you, saying hurtful things, name calling and insulting you.
What if you respond;
You seems very angry, do you need a hug from a non angry person, it might help you.
Then open your arms signaling your ready to hug them.
Great video! I was glad to hear you say that you didn't understand the "not if I see you first retort". I thought I was the only one!😅. I never got that joke and finally asked a coworker during my senior yr in highschool. I felt a little dumb for not picking up on it but like you said, I think I was looking for something a bit deeper. Anyway I love your content here and happy to be subscribed.😊
When they come at me with an accusation of something i didnt do... a.k.a telling me what they did ... i like to say, I know what i did and & didnt do. nothing you say will change the truth.
GREAT STUFF !!!!!!!! THANKS 😃😃😃😃😃😃
If you are insulted from head to toe and then left to right then...after they are done ranting say: "Thank you very much for letting me know this information. If there is anything else you want to add to this please feel free! (They will feel humiliated at that point because you just won)
When I left, she tried to hurt me three times in her statements in her texts. She said I called her a dirty name. I asked her to clarify that she got really mad and told me that I was BS'ing her. She didn't want to clarify and the conversation was over anyway and I haven't spoken to her since it's been almost 3 months now
Why be concearned a out the opinions of liars? They have no real power over you and their words should have even less. Don't engage them, they are only trying to manipulate you into a weaker position. Like my dad taught me, "never give them the satisfaction".
They was doing it to me until I stop giving them money. I started keeping my money and saving it. And when I do spend money it's on the rent, my phone bill, internet and stuff for me. But yeah keeping your money when you was giving it to them is very effective. And yes. Stop accepting gifts from them. Or like you said don't accept the bait. You really know what you're talking about. Because I was going through the disrespect from her for years until I just decided to start saying no.
"Look what the cat dragged in." ...what???
Mine just would respond AT ALL. literally AT ALL.🙄
My MIL is CONSTANTLY making nasty comments/jabs at me. She’ll laugh afterward to make it seem like a joke.
Saaaame. She's my soon-to-be -ex-MIL of 17 years, but it's just now that I've figured out that she's a narcissist. I knew she was an abuser, but it all made sense just recently.
If they give a blunt insult such as your stupid, you could say you need to reflect in why you are projecting this into me..
I am loving these tips.. :)
Very Useful and even the comment section is fulk of response gems, the covert narc catches you off guard and u dont know how to respond in some situations. So i have to make a list.
Great advice! God bless ya
I shut my brother down the other day, in front of a party of about thirty. He insulted me and I stood up and used the same words out loud, I called him my boy and son. I honestly am never really concerned about other people in the room or their opinion of me even though I may be embarrassing myself. Two days later he comes by and the first thing he says i embarrassed him, later in the conversation he said I embarrassed myself and said I didn't embarrass him. I reminded him, the first thing you said was I embarrassed you 😂
What if the narc has hearing issues and this complicates things even more (enough said).
I would like them to explain the doubts they cast upon me. Then I can carry on with my goal or our goal feeling I've dealt with or corrected the distraction.
See you later thanks for the warning😅😅😅😅
😆
SOME NARSASISTS HAVE VERY LITTLE TO NO EMOTIONS
THEY WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU HOW TO HAVE NORMAL EMOTIONS
THEY WILL CREATE FIGHTS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY STUDY THEMSELF
Hi i was wondering how you deal with a narc whilst whilst in a meeting with the head of your kids school, all my ex did was belittle me & my parenting though out the meeting, i did get angry in the end x
You don't even need to ask them to explain anything just have body gesture like you eagerly want to know what they just said and ask them to repeat it. "Sorry, sorry can you please repeat I didn't hear what you said?"
They never repeat the "jab" just start taking about something else with an annoyed look on their face...
BEFORE I realized ALL my (now x-siblings) saw me, their first mission was to hurt me. My narcissistic x-sister ALWAYS told me how she HATEAS MY HAIR COLOR AND EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME. The difference between us is this......SHE IS WEALTHY. I AM NOT! I MAKE IT THROUGH THREE WEEKS FINANCIALLY...THE LAST WEEK, I'M LIVING OFF STALE TUMS. NO KIDDING! SO SHE HAS WIGS, HER HAIR PROFESSIONALLY COLORED (AN UGLY WHITE). WHEN I FINALLY REALIZED ALL FOUR X-SIBLINGS JABBED AT ME IN ONE FORM OR A HUNDRED OTHERS, I DIS-OWNED THEM. I DON'T NEED THAT! IT FEELS GREAT KNOWING I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THESE MONSTERS AGAIN! FREEDOM!!!
Not if I see you first isnt an insult.
“Huh, I guess one to know one” then walk away 😉
I have anxiety dealing with my father so I have distanced myself and wont subject my children to his narcissistic tactics any longer so I dont make any plans to even visit anymore and any kind if contact is by text. I dont even want to hear his voice
I have a question what happens when you attack the narcissist before they attack you.
Omg lol. I thought that meant they will more than likely visit you first, before you see them again lol. My God 🤣🤣🤣🤣
That did not get properly filtered through my processing delay disorder. Sheesh 😅 neurodivergent struggles lol
You learn something new everyday 🙏🏾💓
I had no idea that saying was an insult lol 🤣🤣🤣
I prefer not getting into lengthy conversations with such a thing. I would just opt to say “I hear you” and act indifferent. This will drive the insulter ballistic
What about when they deny it.
I see thst this has had an impact on you
Ehatever the impact has been u need to get out of it
and who will put you in your place? or you mean yourself?
If you criticize him he's going to criticize you,. Don't tell him to try harder to offend you cause he will you will regret having said that to him. Pray that the Lord Jesus help him heal his brokenness. Help you to have the courage to walk away. Respect yourself. He doesn't. Someone has hurt him he hadn't gotten the help he needs.
Perhaps people should choose to make videos that highlight positive aspects like actually giving instructions to stepping off of the "forever-a-bitter-victim" ride.
Christina I love your hairstyle here my friend , do me a little favour try find a hairbrush that is wooden with good quality bristles and brush your hair with that before go to video , it's going to help the strands of hair look more together in a good way ♥️♥️🌹🌹 I had to ask Christina about this , it's the Virgo in me. . .
Download did NOT work
Try this www.commonego.com/gaslighting
He just stays silent
I like you woo
1. Explain the insult… your a looser, are you trying to insult me
2. Criticism- Response is “Yes…and….
3. If..then…. If you were trying to hurt me, THEN you failed
4. Pattern interruption….. Say something nice…..
Probation an avid tips 😂😂😂😥Twitter Instagram judge police all chained trapped to Owen Cath coming soon beach ball fish about send me prison as a fish back to data request back to Dr magic ya ya ya