I used to call family meetings as a child of 10 years old to discuss how we all could be more loving to each other (like in the Brady Bunch). Enabler dad would deny there was a problem and covert narc mom would make fun of me and laugh and get golden child brother to join in on the bullying. I would be sitting there crying as I tried to explain why our family wasn’t working. I am in my 50’s and have gone super low contact with my parents now. I will make darn sure that I will never carry the burden of their old age issues in the future. I am in a 12-step program now for issues of codependency and shame and am slowly uncovering the layers of my life. I will not allow myself to be complicit in my parents’ false narrative ever again!! 💪
Wish I was that Brave. But they knew I was a Hippy soul child at 4. My family was all Military at one point to escape their abusive houses. I was shamed because I probably " would join the peace corp" You know for certain that you are not Unconditionally loved at that point. So sorry sweet soul sister. Sending you Love 💗
I called family meetings too! I also tried 1:1’s. As a child, I thought telling them how much they were loved and all the good things I could see about them would help them stop all the lies and cruelty. I could just see insecurities abounding and I thought just maybe I could fix it. Clearly, I was wrong. It would just be met with things like taking my books away because “you think you’re so smart” or pointing out how I hadn’t succeeded at something to try and redirect. It was devastating.
My dad told my mom one time to “watch out” for me because he struggled to control my perception of his actions no matter how much violence or gaslighting or other tactics he used to try and silence me. I was 11 years old and he spoke to my mom of me like I was some type of mastermind. The fact that my father was threatened by an 11 year old girl and at least acknowledged that I was very good at evading his control might be the most validating thing he’s said about me. Best moment of my life is when my dad told me he “gave up” on me. I know I was supposed to see it as a sad thing but I felt the chains come off me that day.
That's about the same age for me, when Mom started "threatening" to take me to a psychiatrist. I shut the H up and never made another peep that could be interpreted. I'm sure Mom would have LOVED to have a mental case in the family to talk about and feel burdened over, for the rest of her/my life.
Mother did take me to therapy to attempt to "fix me". She even drive me to an inpatient facility one time but I erased my name from the white board and then they forgot to come and get me so after 4 hours we finally left. Every time I truth tell, parents always minimized what I said and attempted to gaslight me into thinking I was the problem. I'm somewhat free now as an adult but the years of abuse do cause me to still be confused sometimes. It's like I'm aware that I'm confused and I shouldn't be but those constant voices drowning out my own thoughts are frustratingly effect even today at 44, happily married with kids, financially stable, own my own business and building a new larger home for our family. The main lesson I take away from my childhood is to remember that our words as a parent cut deeper than anyone else in the world and those words will stick with our kids sometimes their entire lives....so guard your words. Peace to all who come here. Love Dr. R!!!!
So sad this man never knew you and never knew love. I am so sorry this happened to you. I can relate as there are some real gems that my parents dropped that exposed the core of what they were. So sad. 😢😢😢
The truth tellers and seers are among the people I have so much respect for. No gaslighting, no mind games, just the peace of mind that even they themselves are who they say they are.
Nope. because you'll get whacked into the ground and mistreated into oblivion, because they know you're "just a kid" and can't get away, and can't defend yourself, and can't just pick up and go somewhere else. Hell it's even that way sometimes for us grown adults!!!
Seeing better than others is a very strong survival trait. It is exactly this why narcissists - who want to be the ultimate survivors - are fighting most vehemently against those who can see their things. And as Dr Ramani has multiple times said, having survived narcissistic abuse, and having learnt from it makes one more powerful than anyone else.
@@GratiarumActio Agreed. The main difficulty, in my view, for the truth seer/teller in a child / dysfunctional parent relationship can often be in keeping quiet in the face of obvious hypocrisy and/or injustice, particularly if personal integrity is one of the core 'teachings' of the narcissistic parent. This happens often in repressive religious settings, in particular: truth is always lauded by the domineering narcissist, but only as it applies to the child revealing all to the parent. When the parent then subsequently displays obvious disregard for their own credo, without even acknowledging it, holding one's tongue can be very problematic.
@@TheMercilessEye Fundamentalistic religiosity is a fertile soil for narcissists to flower. A very difficult topic. I could tell stories. My biggest trouble-making ever was to study theology as a truth-seer.
I’m a truth see’er and I was a truth teller but I have learnt to be quiet more often as it was too taxing on me. I feel lonely being the truth see’er in both family and my friendship groups. It does hurt and can be sad but I prioritise peace.
I’m the outsider in my family because, now that I’m older, I still see the truth and they know it and don’t want to hear it or FEEL it really, so I’m not included in the family. I know it but it is painful to see it hurt my children when they are not included when cousins are, in family gatherings. Being a truth seer is very lonely but you can’t change what you’re born with. I can’t change what I see. Yes you want to be included into the family fold. It hurts to be uncomfortable around the people who supposedly love you but don’t want you there.
My eldest daughter has been severely punished by her narcissistic Mother because of her honesty and inability to accept the injustice without speaking out. The term scapegoat is often banded about too easily , definitely not in her case. It's heartbreaking to think about it and my sympathy is with anyone who has suffered in this way.
If you want to see a truth teller, look to a 13 year old daughter telling off her narcissistic mother. I think that was my height of "acting out" and truth before my spirit was stomped out. Got it back after 22 years of no contact but still feel effects.
@@elainehoward9577 Wonderful to read this. At 84 totally agree. Also I keep telling myself Better late than never. Moving on make every blessed day count. 🤶
Yes I had a period when my mother had worn me down and I gave up and gave over. It was about ages 11-18 while I was living at home. I stood up to her again in my mid-thirties. It was so traumatic that I got a pain in my gut and was diagnosed with a parasite and had intense treatment. It reoccurred ever time I called her for almost 2 years. It was pointed out to me that this is the chakra associated with personal power.I finally got strong enough to be able to be around her without getting sick. Almost 40 years later I’m distant but cope better by accepting that she won’t change and I didn’t get the support and family I wanted. Bummer! But I’d rather be independent than in her web. If I don’t need anything from her, she can’t disappoint
As a child, i spent most of my time "truth telling" finding out about affairs and secrets that my little shoulders should not have had to handle. I was the black sheep. But I learnt to be ok with that. I hate liars. It is so important to me to tell the truth!! But you are never thanked for it! I would rather be me, than the toxic people in my life. 🤷🏽♀️
In the first place, they lie to themselves and it is not my job to detect and call out every lie. I think, there are boundaries in truth telling, too. 🙂
Fortunately, in my family they know me and how I behave and they know the narc is... bad (gosh, I hate to use this word towards people, but she does have detrimental behaviors), so I don't worry about the potential bad mouthing.
Everybody in a toxic family plays their role. Sometimes it isn't that they don't believe you or think you are crazy. They can't admit the truth and shatter the family facade. I admit it's sad sometimes but I would rather know than put blinders on.
I am 67 year's of life and wisdom and I never knew that I was a "truth teller" and after listening to you talk about what it meant within 5 minutes I understood a lifetime of why I was (scapegoat) and confirmation that I was not crazy and I had always been spot on when I watched and listened to my mother who I realize was Narcissist and I am so very thankful for you Dr.Ramani !
This is so me! I remember watching the adults at a get together at age 4-5. I'm watching my father lie to get a reaction from them and it seemed that I was the only one who could see that he was lying. I remember thinking that big ppl weren't very smart.
My mom stole money from the church to buy me something to eat. I wasn't even that hungry. She blamed me for it because I asked for something to eat. She returned the money later, but the damage was done. My mom stole from God because I said I was hungry. I never asked for anything to eat from her while we were out ever again.
My daughter who is 19, is a truth teller. She is so wise beyond her years. She saw the truth about her dad, who is a narccisist and saw it in my boyfriend, who is also a narccisist. She saw it right away but didn't want to say anything to me because she didn't want to hurt me. We have recently talked about it and she was blunt. I am so glad to know she won't find herself in a toxic relationship as I have.
My mother actually said to me once "you were never a child"! Now, looking back, I realise she felt threatened by me even as a 5 year old. Like many, I was also raised to make excuses for bad behaviour and give people the benefit of the doubt. It seems to be a common theme.
Le th, you bet! That's exactly what a narcissist expects everyone to do, sweep their abuse under the rug and just don't mention it ever again. The narcissist is so entitled that they think rules don't "really" apply to them (but apply critically to everyone else) so mentioning their bad behavior is treated like you just violated their "absolute right" to misbehave toward others. You and a narcissist could both be speeding down the highway, but if the police pulls one of you over, the narcissist will complain incessantly that you were speeding too if they got caught, yet laugh and think you deserved it if the police pulled you over. Double standards for everything, including sweeping things under the rug.
@@danielkaiser8971 You definitely seem to understand how narcissists think and view others, and I'm sad to think of how well you comprehend this and how you might have had to learn this the hard way, like many of us.
Le th, Let's just say that for many of us, narcissism has been a "life study" since (before?) birth. And I am no exception to this. Thank you for your kind words.
Wow. I feel so seen. I moved across the country the moment I could. My family calls me for advice since “i’m the wise one” and “will tell them the truth” but the moment we share space they can’t wait to tell me how little I know and how fragile I am. It’s like they store up insults and judgement like little camels. The less I engage, the more uncomfortable and agitated they get, but when I do speak they tell me how mean I am and how I think I’m above them. It’s lonely because I love them. But I know that loving me means that they can only have limited access.
Record it when they treat you like that, and play it back to them when they ask for advice. Tell them you're glad to give advice, as long as they respect it.
I feel like this too. I see behind the mask of everyone and know why every word is spoken by everyone! Or indeed why specific things aren't spoken by certain people! I don't know if it's years of being around my family or I just have a natural ability but I sometimes feel I'm living in a parallel universe!
@@lynneleverton8825 “why specific things aren’t spoken by certain people”. That’s a very interesting statement .. I will say something to someone and I know what the proper response is in a general sense and when they don’t answer in that proper context, I know they aren’t listening or don’t give a damn and it says a lot about them .. it’s kind of like a ‘test the spirits’ thing
this is so powerful. i honestly can't believe there are more of people who see the truth in people. it's so hard, but i wouldnt change it for being oblivious. my grandfather was like this too and he used it to improve work condition for entire factories and get workers treated with respect, which gives me hope that we can utilise our gift to help others.
I learnt to be silent very young, trouble is l couldn’t control raising an eyebrow or letting out a sigh...enough to trigger narcissistic rage. Seeing the truth and having no one believe you is a very lonely place indeed.Thankyou so much for this, l feel understood.
Although I was a truth seer, I learned to have a blank, expressionless demeanor. My narc parent could say, "What are you so happy about? I had a terrible childhood!" or "What do have to be sad about? My childhood was much worse!" etc. No emotions were safe in my house (only parental rage was allowed). Then I'd go to my room or out on a long walk to soothe myself with my private thoughts or creative pursuits. Novels taught me how "real" humans interacted.
Me too. Although I'm open for a relationship only that I'm very keen now on whom I let into my life. Before therapy I'd pick people with which I'd get to repeat the toxic dynamic of narcissism. And now,.they still get me sometimes, although I eventually rid them off (usually after a conversation or two). I think the most damaging aspect of the interaction is when they're getting their narcissist supply and you feel like trash (as something discarded) after the narc has "done away with you". In these moments what's most healthiest is to let yourself cry, heal and remember to tell yourself all the time that the problem is not with you and that you're good enough and you deserve to be happy and find someone who is compassionate and loyal to you. 👍🏻🙌🏻🤗
Me too, except I feel so peaceful that I don't really feel alone. I have made friends over the years and no matter how much time passes between not seeing or hearing from each other, they and I pick up right where we left off as if no time had passed at all. If we are in need (such as a ride to and from a minor surgical procedure), we are only a phone call or email away since we live in the same city.
@@danielkaiser8971 yeah, who wants to commit to glommy relationships even if they are toxic free. The old saying is 'there is no prize equal to the prize of freedom'. (?) 😖😁 Quality friends don't really measure in quantity or duration. People you know are better as the people you can't forget 🙏
@@danielkaiser8971 I agree Daniel, once you get past the 'lonely' stage it is so amazing to be alone and in control of what goes on in your life. I also have a few trusted friends who I know I can rely on any time.
It hurts and it’s lonely to see people for who they are. But any time you want to go back in to get scapegoated, blamed and abused the narcissistic creeps will be waiting for you.
True. My father would treat me as 'bad' and I would get blamed for everything. As a adult I would give people the benefit of the doubt because I never got it in my family. I thought that was a form of respect to them. I have been taken advantage of many times.
I want to move far away from my narc aunt,But due to culture and being a girl I cant :( I spoke the truth but she never believed me My favourite aunt took her side when She knows ive done nothing wrong ,My favourite aunt thought that I hit my narc aunts child Id never do that but no one believed me :(
The remark about how the "peace outweighs the pain" is such a zinger for me. In a dsicussion with another person about cutting off toxic family members, she asked me if I sometimes feel a sense of guilt for it. I admitted that I do. But then I said that when I think about engaging withy family, or think about them at all, my heart ends up in my throat, and I become griped by anxiety, just from the thought. I told her I may feel guilt, but the peace I also feel is much more profound. Why would I risk my peace for anxiety? It isn't worth the aggravation.
After five years no contact with my eldest brother just showed up at my front door. I was in his presence for about 1.5hrs. He was so vile. I tried to observe and not absorb and react, plus I just fawned/froze at all of the gaslighting and manipulation, but I ended up breaking out all over my body for about a month. My body swole up and my skin cracked. I was so scared! Promised myself I wouldn’t do that to myself again. I say this to say trust yourself. Your instincts are right. I was so amazed at how much vile stuff could be packed into one and a half hours. I was truly amazed! He exploited every moment or opportunity, I’m still amazed and comfortable, no longer guilty, with this decision to go NC and stay this was, it’s safest.
@@SaraFJones I have had no contact with my brother now for 3 years, then out of the blue he turned up at my door too. He is not only a vile narcissist but is married to an even worse one, they have both caused such pain, never knew there were people out there who could be so awful especially to their family. I have done the same as you and promised myself to never let myself go through that again, the door will never be open to him again, we deserve our peace.
Yes Ma’am, the truth tellers as children do become the scapegoat. I also think though that the pain undergone in those experiences can assist in providing the foundation to become that spokesperson for injustice and standing up for fairness. Wonderful video. Thank you
It's been my dream since I can remember to get ppl to see the injustice in our world. Narcissism was the piece of my education that was missing but I could see that it was there. Like astronomers can "see" dark matter...to the little girl that asked herself what is wrong with ppl? Why is everyone so cruel? The answer was narcissism and Cluster B. Let's shout it from the rooftops and wipe out social injustice!!!
I have become the person to stand up to injustices in life. for people and for animals. I was the scapegoat and the truth teller child. I have now been disinherited for it. People doing wrong don't like the truth.
Not always, especially if that truth-teller is a form of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic parent AND there is already another child who was forced into the role of the scapegoat. A truth-teller may be a very aesthetically attractive child, a highly intelligent and/or over-achieving child, or maybe a very athletically-inclined child who is gifted in sports....all these types of accomplishment are forms of narcissistic supply for a parent. Surely you've seen the bumper stickers that say "My child is a honor student at XYZ school"? THAT right there is a form of narcissistic supply for a parent, and they pay for those bumper stickers just so everywhere they drive the people who happen to drive behind them will see it (and in a narcissist's incredibly warped and self-absorbed mind, they believe all those who drive behind them are see that will automatically admire them....seriously). If a child's personal accomplishments can be used as a form of narcissistic supply for a parent, it is unlikely they will be placed into the role of scapegoat, unless all the other children in the family also have equal or greater accomplishments. You can be a truth-teller and NOT be a scapegoat in the above (or similar)cases. If you've become a spokesperson for injustice and standing up for fairness after being scapegoated, I'm so happy for you and I hope you are proud of yourself for making lemonade out of lemons!
Dr. Ranami, you nailed it. I am a truth seeker and I have never felt welcomed by anyone in my entire family. I finally accepted this reality and grieved for being robbed of normal loving family.
I am a truth teller and have been vocal about it since 2012. My narcissistic sibling, now 53, always tries to make me look crazy, or manipulate it so that our characters are switched. Most of my family members have no idea who my sibling really is. I tried to help my sibling change once again, and I was met with verbal and emotional abuse. Three decades of this....I realized realized yesterday I can't do this anymore. I am limiting contact to family events and will leave early. My phone is blocked once again, social media has long been blocked as my sibling stalked me on my support group. My parents tend to side with my sibling because of the fake charm and manipulation. My kids stay neutral. There are friends and family that avoid my sibling. I have health problems and I can't have all that stress, fear and misery in my life. Health and peace is more important than an unhealthy relationship.
Both of my parents have narcissism too, but the difference is that I somehow always knew deep down as a child and to this day that my dad loved and still loves me. Later this month he will turn 88 years old. He is no angel and in 2016 I went nearly a year not talking to him, but having one parent I knew loved me has likely been my saving grace. I am at the very least able to love and be loved in return despite other issues.
@Madeleine Astor communal and family narcissism, worst of all both parents especially if they manage to segregate the children from eachother before destroying or creeping away from their own relationship together...together,,? 😆 Their compulsions are hard to understand as a child, perhaps as a point that this makes us narc magnets till we finally develop and get our composures and stance right in matters of general yet accurately conveyed self perceptions, however bogged down and eluded by these strange and crafty magicians of self-righteous intent, a blanket for spite. The thing is if you are interested in getting the facts no-contact is a poor option but as well helps when circumstances offer no other benefit to your health and life circumstances. As it is true we are all vulnerable to narcissism. Just stating 'I'm not like that, they are vile and the worst (evil) is a human fallout. You can sympathy them a bit when the terms are straight as opposed to calling them out however too soon or too late. So hang in on the relationships even if it's a sideliner. You dont want to fear, worry or deduce the new or apparent narcissist through life's passing failures as late as it can be until you full well have come to realize. You need your backbone as stout and one of the best ways of exploring narcissism and narc defense/offense, workings and traps (being confmditiined warrior...) are from within the relationships you have come to know/think you have known and have attempted to abide by. Sure kids grow up and any direction can find reason to push away from eachother. Sure some people the way they are deserve to be on the scrap pile, but that's what they tend to do essentially to others don't forget. Keep humanity with you, however sacred and formidable you become as an ally within. The concerns we manage effectively and well should be our own and I certainly don't mean this in the sense of covert or vulnerable narcissists. How they find pleasure and reward values we have adapted to greater purpose in the interest of what existence should be in store of. These are 'nice' comments everyone, people with an interest to escape or atleast thrive from narcissitic abuse inescapably by who they were born, to the the home that had them trapped in a cycle usually of emotional harm and torment as developing souls. 🙏💙 Just see how they develop as we all become gone in the future, can all say that without a poisoned heart there unto would be mightily with the world...
As a narc survivor that loneliness is the ultimate exchange; peace & quiet was foreign to us, the comparison is the chaos and confusion that used to be our 'normal.' I'd much rather be lonely. ♡
For more than 7 years Ive been gaslighted .Im only 17.When I finally noticed she was a narc I cried but I was happy,Im not crazy.Ive forgotten all the bad things she said to me... that’s gaslighting......And eh it hurts no one likes her but she hold the most power :(
Over the past year and a half the comments have been so important to me- when you think that it's you yourself who is faulty, and then realise that all these other people are going through exactly the same thing and they can't all be confused in exactly the same way- that's when it sinks in that we are not all nuts. For so long I did think that I had a mental illness that I didn't know about, like being on another plane. When people swear up and down that you said and did things that you did not do it's very confusing.
Same on every point. I would go to doctors, break down in front of them because I "ruin everything for everyone and I'm so broken and crazy" then I'd get the wildest diagnoses including very strong medication for those mental illnesses. One part of my narcs would steal my meds to drug themselves and the other part would profit out of me being too tired from the meds to fight back by just doubling their terror. I'm so glad that all of this is over and that I'm not alone with this.
You nailed it with this video - truth seeing/teller - eventually, is a lonely place to be. As you get older and understand things better you become even more self aware etc. you see it all around you on social media, work place etc..It is hard to not "see" and pretend to be ok.
I just decided to go no contact, in no small part due to your videos. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, these videos saved my life. You have given me the strength to take my power and life back for myself. I will always be grateful for your videos and the work you're doing. It's changing lives. Thank you so much.
Yes indeed, the knowledge Dr. Ramani shares is extremely valuable and life saving. All of us are grateful to her. And I would also like to congratulate you and give you credit where it is most certainly due. You are the one who took the initiative to be self-aware and recognize you were in a toxic situation and needed to do something about it, to seek out and find these videos, and then watch them and learn from them, to participate in the comment section, and to actually use the knowledge you learned, to take the action on your own behalf to go no contact, to save your own life, and to continue moving forward healing. You did all of these things. I don't know you and I don't know any details of your story, but I am very proud of you and I honor you for doing your part. Be well and continue being kind to yourself now and always through your healing process in life. 👏👍🤗
Yes I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I continued to give people the benefit of the doubt no matter how many times they gave me reason to doubt.
I remember when I was 10 and my mother was beating the crap out of me and said to me "if you would cry, I wouldn't hit you" and I said " I wouldn't give you the satisfaction" and I didn't. No matter how bad she beat me, I REFUSED to cry. She was trying to break my spirit like she did to my 3 siblings. I was and still am the scapegoat, my son is abusing me by proxy. My life has been a nightmare.
I'm so sorry, my dear. You have to be you. I respect you for knowing yourself. I'm so so sorry this was your path. I am mostly estranged from my daughter, too, because of the other Ns in my family.
I did the same thing with my dad. He was not the issue my mother was. I was about 12 and I told him lets get this over with. I was tired of it by then and ready to leave the house. Done.
Barbara, I went through the EXACT same thing!!! All the beatings (with hands, ping pong paddles, wooden spoons, hangers, dog leashes, hairbrushes, rolled up newspapers) never elicited a tear from me, but usually won a glare. When I was in college, I had a physical therapist working on a sprained ankle (sports injury) tell me I had an unusually high tolerance for pain - all thanks to my narcissistic mother's beatings. She was always telling me to get "that look" off my face, which now I know was the truthseer's gaze. I remember recognizing early on that the opinion of the neighbors was more important than anything, and I remember running outside and yelling "stop hitting me" so that the neighbors would come out and protect me. My mother lurked inside the house, hissing "get back in here," which I refused to do until she calmed down. As weird as it sounds, I realized that I had power because I'd figured it out and could use her fear of public opinion to protect myself. I'm sorry your life has been a nightmare - mine has been nothing but good since I was disowned by my mother at the age of 21 (hard at times, but good - now living in Australia after having lived several years in the UK, even though I was raised in the US - talk about getting distance!) - but I hope that things turn around for you.
I previously commented about being a truth teller that wound up marrying a covert narcissist. I, too, am older now, and the comment about being raised to "give everybody the benefit of the doubt" hit me very hard. No surprise that it was the narcissist parent who pushed that principle so hard!
I think I'm one. I'm 38, and since childhood, preschool really, I could see the difference between toxic and healthy people in my family. My mother is, I believe, a covert narcissist, and, as a child, I always would label her as "weird", and would ask my grandma (an empath and codependent) all the time "what's wrong with mom? why is she angry at this?" it's all upside down with her" etc. The other thing I remember being told by family members is when I first got to see my grandma, and I couldn't speak yet, I didn't take my eyes off her, watched her every move, and I didn't do that with anyone until then. Now I think I know what it was - her eyes weren't empty, she wasn't "robotic" or angry or screaming continuously like my mother and people in my dad's home. Luckily for me, she ended up taking care of me since I was 6, but the difference I saw between her and other family members just became more and more apparent as I grew older.
Yes, I would also be willing to bet you are a truth teller/seer. There is just something so unmistakably genuine and authentic about what you said and how you said it. I don't even know you, but I imagine you are a delightful person. I imagine people find it easy to trust you, and maybe they even confide in you telling you things they may not easily share with others. I'm also willing to bet you are highly selective with who your friends are. Are any of my hunches correct? 😀
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you♥️ I simply can't pretend to be sb that I'm not, even if I tried😄 Do people find it easy to trust me? Maybe. I try not to engage with others' stuff for the most part, as it costs me emotionally a great deal. I'm very selective when it comes to friends, 100% true, deep conversations are one of the many requirements that must be met😁
I have a question how did u and your grandmother survive though this toxic situation? I'm not so sure if I'm a truth seeker or just a co dependent? I'm currently going no contact but I dont know how to actually live independently and or safely. The freedom and peace I've always wanted I finally have but I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't dealt with my on going depression.. but I'm curious to know how to live on.
@@ArcticFirepixy Congratulations on going no contact, that's so important!👍 I think you should take it slowly, one day at a time, and try to get to know yourself first. Don't put any pressure on the timeline of your recovery, don't compare yourself with others. There are many wonderful videos on how to start with this all, like Michele Lee Nieves RUclips channel. She went through hell first with her mom and then her ex-husband, and she knows what it takes to heal from it and have a healthy life. When it comes to my grandma and I, we lived separately from my mom, she only visited like 2-3 times a year +phone calls, but still it made an impact on us both. My grandma sadly died without any therapy or proper diagnosis (I believe she suffered from CPTSD), very codependent and worrying about others, and not herself, till the end. I found out about CN just a few years ago, started binge-watching RUclips videos on this and connecting the dots. I'm at minimal contact with my mother now, still get flashbacks from the past sometimes, still get triggered when I hear a young woman raising her voice, still scared to be in a serious relationship with sb, as I'm afraid this person will turn out to be like my mom. I'm just starting to live a bit "normal" life, but I have a long way to go.
I'm a truth teller. My WHOLE family is against me, they've been for a long as I can remember. And then...to keep me "in line" they ASSISTED my domestically abusive ex and his narcissistic mother went behind my back and got physical custody of my son when he was 3... he's 6 now. They won't let me see him or talk to him because they are TRYING to claim abandonment. They tell him I don't love him but I WILL NEVER stop fighting to be reunited with my munchkin. I was in deep, hopeless depression for 3 years... which made me homeless for two 😕 😪 😔 but I'm back on the right track of establishing my foundations. Even saying all this...my heart..💔😭😭
Lots of purpose in your motivation and family campaign. Families can screen the child behind a further level of disconnect. Knowing you are alive and he is alive is the first stage of unification. On with the rest saddened lady 🙏joy and development rest beyond every turn.
I read a post from my brother on Facebook. He was just putting it out there because I could tell he was hurting so badly about the way my narcissistic father treated him. he treated all of us badly , but he died when we were young so we got some relief. Then he went on to praise my mother because she was legally blind, widowed with 8 kids and he never told her how much he loved her. Never told her thank you and according to us, he was her favorite. The two younger girls complain she was ice cold and they talked about it freely but quietly. My father was snake to us , but he taught us the value of faith in God Hebrews 11:1 and for that I love him. such a dichotomy. Sometimes it's best to just be careful of all the truth-telling because one day it can blow up in your face
What you are experiencing is parental alienation, and it is considered child abuse. Those in the helping professions don't see it, but things are slowly beginning to change. In some cases, charges were brought against the alienating parent, but these cases are few and far between. Dr.Amy Baker is an expert on PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) as well as Dr. Craig Childress and Dr. Richard Warshak. Please educate yourself about this and if you are able , find a lawyer who can help you fight this! Usually the alienating parent is a Cluster B type individual, and probably a narcissist. Good luck! We are on your side.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I showed my gf your truth-teller video, and she said, "this lady knows your life." More than anything, I appreciate not feeling alone in this, there is a term for this, and there are others who feel this way. As you already said, being a truth teller feels isolating. I had no idea how many others were out there.
This is the second video on this topic that I’ve watched from dr Ramani, I’m still sitting here in awe, with my eyes wide and face wet with tears. How can she know what I lived? My heart goes out to all of us. ❤️ Thank you dr Ramani.
Truth teller here…74 years old. I basically don’t engage with my remaining family. I don’t actually engage with people much at all. I have a few people in my life who are more than acquaintances but not really friends. I’m not lonely. I spent much of my life annoying and upsetting others with what I said and ended up withdrawing from social interaction. I don’t really like people and don’t trust myself around them. I know I’m the one with the problem of not suffering fools lightly so I don’t inflict myself on them. Sometimes I feel as though I’m missing out but at this stage, I’m too lazy and content to bother.
I was a truth seer. I tried to be a truth teller, but my family worked together to silence me. I've spent all my life unravelling the effects of being gaslighted and scapegoated. I'm still uncovering aspects of myself that were separated before I was even old enough to know how to protect myself from the cruelty.
Thank you for telling us the term 'truth seer' because that just helped me realize that's what I became after trying to be a truth teller at the age of five.
We could be related! :-) My narc dad does not want me telling the truth to his family. The "unvarnished truth"as the saying goes. He expects me to ask his permission or tells others, behind my back, not to have anything to do with me. He is the liar, not me. He does not want others to know how badly he still treats me. I am 59 now.
The truth will come out someday, to his chagrin. I wish he would grow up and shut the hell up already! Instead of silencing me. He doesn't want me to say anything untrue about him. That won't happen. It is lonely!
@@websurfer5772 Sorry for the late reply. Yes, I know how that feels for sure. I saw, but even the expression it naturally evoked from me was a threat to them. I was "surveilled" for signs of an "implicit accusation" in my showing distress.
Thank you so much. 🌸🌿 I have a Masters in Clinical Psych and i can honestly say... Graduate school did not prepare one to understand Cluster B like life does.🥺
I was always a loner as a child. I was a quiet achiever but always had a sense of right and wrong. I was an overachiever but when I called my family out I became the scapegoat. It was a very hard lonely place to be. I had to grieve the family i thought i had. I am now feeling more peace as time goes on
I was the truth teller. My mother made me the scapegoat. I remember thinking and sometimes saying, "Mom, this is bullshit!" She hated me. She would tell me that I was reasonably pretty and I was pleasant until I opened my mouth. It was lonely, I grieved and it hurt but it led me to where I am now. Happy
I felt bad for being a truth seer-especially because my siblings didn’t understand why I distanced myself from my mom (a lot) and them (a little). I couldn’t pinpoint or verbalize that my mom is a narcissist; I just knew something was off. I couldn’t even verbalize what was off. And, I felt all that was my fault!! Can you imagine! I didn’t feel safe at home and couldn’t trust my siblings as they would join my mother in mocking me. And then my mother wondered why we couldn’t get along. Now all my siblings and I realize that our childhood was messed up by our mother (not sure if they recognize that she’s a narcissist). And we all ended up in horrible relationships as we subconsciously thought that was normal!
Be proud of Yourself, each Day, for every Step of Healing, no matter how small, for allowing your self to be happy and Live how you deem fit and doing Things which make you happy..like cuddling with a Dawgie or Kitty or reading, sunshine, music, good food whatever it is for you.
I've said it before, I am too impulsive and too revolted by unfair situations to stay silent... when I was 5, at school, my entire class was making fun of a girl, spreading rumors about her having poor hygiene and making nasty puns with her name. I had just arrived in that class, everyone was older than me, I was told to get along with everyone and not cause a ruckus... but this was just completely unjust and unacceptable, I yelled at them all, telling them to stop being mean for no reason, and kept hanging out with the girl at recess to help deter/fend off bullies, and she was actually very sweet. That's one of the earliest examples, and you could think I'd grow out of it, but that's how I've always been and how I made most of my friends - and ennemies - at school and later in life. I was always in my father's face when he took it too far, got punished, spanked and yelled at, but kept doing it again - eventually using my golden child privilege to defend my scapegoat brother (maybe the fact that I somehow remained the golden child in spite of that, at least until mid-teenagerhood, is part of why I'm this stubbornly rebellious? Of course I also have ADHD, so, just naturally impulsive, but maybe I was further boldened by my luck). Little has changed since, grown up dynamics are very similar to recess playgrounds. I don't yell as much, but I still get in stupid amounts of trouble for simply pointing out unjustified attacks and unfair situations. I still just can't stand to witness or endure it silently. It breaks my heart every time I see something like that happen without anyone lifting a finger... especially when clearly, I'm not the only one to see (because yea, of course, I can see the pointlessness of going full Don-Quixote style, charging alone against giant windmill narcs, but seriously, when you ask around, more people realize something's wrong than they show, it's just that everyone is so resigned or afraid for themselves...).
Your story could be my own. I'll chastise myself again and again for not taking the 'smart' path, but I could never abide the stench of enabling toxic behaviour. I was always a little spitfire - facing off to my abusive father at a young age, arguing back or trying to desperately to explain toxic behaviour to my Mum, looking bullies in the eye and telling them that I know them. Insisting, NO, THIS IS WRONG. My father used to tell me, again from a young age and often whilst physically abusing me, that 'One day, someone (usually a man, I'm trans non-binary and assigned female, and he has a misogynistic view of the world) wouldn't take my shit, and BANG (a fist on the stable, a wild look in his eye) , that would be it.' He finally stopped after I told him enough times that I'd already faced all that time and again, looked it in the eye with more balls than he'd ever have, and that a real father would have been there to support me. That the fact that he wasn't grieved me deeply, but none the less I'd done it myself and I was DAMN WELL STILL HERE. That so often I never even had a choice to be silent. And if that was how I had to go, I'd face it just as I faced him. And maybe I am a fool. I so often feel I am, or I've internalised his and others words enough. But I know how often someone's quietly come up to me after I've called someone out, and told me their story, what they've seen but not known how to face. I don't yell as much now, either. And maybe we're fools. But maybe each time, we at least disrupt the enabling. We chip back at the normalisation of abuse and toxic behaviours in our cultures. Maybe we piss a hell of a lot of people off, maybe we make for ourselves a whole lot of trouble we could of avoided, but maybe when we speak up we help others rekindle a little bit of their fire too.
@@lasphynge8001 I did similar in my family- my horrible evil mother and wimpy father. And yes could never keep my mouth shut elsewhere- I had a fire of positive defiance. Fought for older and younger than me in the family. It’s my siblings now who have ostracised me and my kids.
I had this memory that would often replay, when I was 3yo and was left alone at home. When my mum got back from her friends house I reprimanded her for doing that. Knowing I wasn't even allowed in the kitchen alone let alone a whole house for an extended amount of time too. The amount of pure hate in her eyes towards me. It was then I saw her for who she was and I can recall the very first moment I became the truth seer and scapegoat.
At 4 years old (I remember it vividly) I saw that both of my parents had no idea what they were doing. From that point on I didn’t believe their reality…I could always see through it. Ended up being the golden child but only because I was highly capable and highly adaptive. My only goal in childhood was get to college and escape the nightmare. It’s taken many many years to heal the damage that was done but I’m happy to report that I’m truly free and no longer doubt my knowing. I can also see right through all the manipulation and control games that people play (this is recent) so it’s very easy to maneuver right past these types of people. ❤️
The fact that you have this channel and are willing to share what you know is so freaking cool of you on its own, but being willing to interact with your subscribers just kind of solidifies what a kind human being you are. It's just really nice to see. There's no doubt in my mind that by doing this you are helping more people than you could possibly ever know. Thank you.
I'm so glad that being a truth teller during a zoom call was brought up. I had a similar experience to that story, years ago when I was placed into a group therapy session. The session seemed to be focused on people dealing with depression, and I could quickly see that most of the other patients we're battling inner demons, even to the point of finding it difficult to speak up. What was really troublesome to witness, was that there was one specific person who was louder and more vocal than everyone else, but oddly enough his issues were more dare I say shallow and just dealing with relationship problems with a partner that was quite obviously manipulating and used a lot of gaslighting. He felt like he belonged in a totally different group, though, as he would go on about personal unrelated events happening in his day-to-day life, that seemed kind of like typical break room talk, and then I would turn to look at some of the other guys who look like they were seconds away from breaking down crying or slitting their wrists. This was one of my early experiences in therapy, (my only group therapy experience) and it felt odd to me that I could better identify the people who we're desperate for help or even to just be needed to be allowed to speak and have a therapist actually pay attention to them. Unfortunately though, the two nurses who were holding the session had all their attention solely on this one guy, and would react to his statements as if they were infatuated by his appearance and charm, while totally ignoring everyone else in the group. I thought about calling out the situation for what it was, but ultimately just took myself out of the group entirely after just 2 sessions. The atmosphere was practically screaming of individuals who gave off vibes of loneliness and we're almost intimidated to speak up, while the two ladies who are hosting the session devoted all their attention to one guy, to the point where they would not only sympathize with him, but would even laugh at some jokes and even seemed flirtatious at times. It was just disgusting and heartbreaking to be in a room, mostly with people who genuinely needed help and yearned to be seen and heard, just to be subjected to bearing witness to one of the least professional therapy experiences I've ever had in my life. Seeing people fall for the charm and enabling toxic behavior in families, or even work environments is definitely tough, but when it happens in a place of therapy, a place where you hope to go to feel safe, heard, and understood, is just damaging on another level entirely.
Yup! I have experienced that too. What the larger world is like unfortunately. I hope you are seeing the value in you more and more. We deserve the best. 🌹
I was the truth teller and scapegoat in my family. My malignant covert narc mother and malignant covert narc fraternal twin sister and narc younger sister made my life a living hell because of what I saw. I cut them out of my life years ago on the advice of my therapists when I went for in patient treatment for complex PTSD. I am still the truth teller in other situations and I have been scapegoated as a result. I do not actually tell the truth, but I instead recognize it and the narcissist will try to destroy me, scapegoat me, and do a full on smear campaign against me. This happened at my work. Thank you for this validating video Dr. Ramani.
I tore my mother apart as a child. I was the youngest of three. Older brothers grew up together. I came later. Ive tore everyone apart through out my life. I'd rather be alone than lied too. Been a heavy metal musician and artist my whole life. I'm 48.its always been integrity first for me. Single dads rock harder. Good luck good people. UK.
We must be living parallels. I've put the guitar down, I almost remember my first valve Krank amp, they'll never forget, (never turned the master close to 1.5 in a single cab), they'd scream at me even louder, that what annoyed the neighbours 😖 Child makes all world's come to life! Actually I was baited 'to be honest' in fact. Whenever I did devise a 'put them in their place informing attack', I kind of felt gutless, but saw their guilt or denial. Already life was a burden (for them), and don't want to hurt your primary provider. 🤟 🇦🇺🦘
I would sure like to "tear up" my mother and certain relatives as you have said, I still fantasize about it from time to time. But I've already gone "no contact" with them, and my life has become stable. I'm 50. I have no children but I have a very special respect for single dads. I feel okay with a child being raised by a single dad because I think the child will grow up well adjusted and stable and fare well in life with good mental health.
You did not tear your mother apart, she did that and blamed you. Cut the chain and release yourself from that bondage. I did not ruin my mother’s life either, her inability to accept the child she has instead of trying to re-form me into the child of her fantasy did that. Releasing myself and her from that tug-of-war through forgiveness saved me, she’s still wrestling, I have no power there.
@@dianasponsler3567 I separated myself from her in spirit from 13 until 30 something. Then when my dad died everything fell into place. Now I have sympathy but huge boundaries that are always heavily enforced with a cup of kick ass and a get used to it biscuit. I was always a coat she wouldn't wear now shes old. No fashion sense so Im cool with things. The knock on effects have been considerable now that I look back. Latest covert narcissist is the reason I'm onto these channels. It's all very interesting isnt it. Good luck with your side of the world. From UK.
Being the truth teller and the scapegoat meant I can never have a relationship with my siblings away from my narcissit mother. She is always there to control the situation even as adults. Please do a topic on scapegoating the sick child or the one the narcissistic parent though had the least potential to serve them when they grow up. I was basically punished for being ill a lot. And than discarded.
I have had a similar experience to you. I agree very much with the statement in the video that “the peace” is worth the loss. It is impossible to be around certain people. And having lost my siblings almost 100% after cutting cords with mom I am saddened by it. But there is no other way for me. Hang in there! I am reading “the body keeps the score” by Van Der Kolk at the moment. Perhaps you have heard of it. It is about healing from Trauma. Keep the faith! ❤️
I was a sick child as well and have been blamed for every financial issue that has ever come up. I have APS an autoimmune disorder that ultimately lead to the amputation of my foot when I was 10yo and many bloodclots since. Leading up to the amputation I complained of symptoms for 5 months and was told I was faking by my mother, she even turned school personnel against me. Not until the pain grew so unbearable that at 10 years old I stormed away from my teacher and principal, who I had great respect for at the time, to find a medical professional or anyone that would help me. And was immediately life flighted to a children's hospital. I see now that this "faking" is because of her complete and entire lack of empathy. Did your mom ever tell you that you're faking or pretending?
@@Wildewhitley no, you can't really fake a broken bone. It shows in xrays she did get really angry everytime I broke a bone because it was very inconvenient for her to go get a cast. Instead of getting me medication for my bones she told me to stop being clumsy and wasting her time
Honestly, I've been "paralyzed" as a truth teller; fear of getting hurt, knowing what a narc can do. History of abuse, shapes your emotions and mind. If I may, narcs are not afraid of crossing the line that you can't; that's what makes them dangerous. Do you hit back, and cause an all out war? Or, do you turn the cheek or walk away? And what happens if this is a family member, with problems that will never get resolved? Do you seriously need to become estranged to protect and respect yourself? And what about the pain of abandoning your family, for self?
Blood or not, toxic is toxic . Someone in these comments used the analogy of being near a toxic person like being in a room with gas fumes. Get Out ! No matter blood or not. Toxicity causes stress. Stress can cause mental and physical issues. Don't play their game. Please.
I had to make the same decision as the one commenter. After weighing the options, I decided the "lesser of two evils" was to break contact with my toxic family. It sucks to not have that family support structure, but the alternative was to be miserable for the rest of my life. Plus my family wasn't very supportive in the first place.
the greatest and most threatening truth I have spoken in my family has been my own truth about my own feelings, needs and experiences. talking about feelings was taboo, and 'pleasing the parent' was the unspoken rule, so just trying to break through these strict codes in order to have more honest and authentic conversations, left me isolated and alone. for my transgressive truth-speaking, I was treated as a threat, an unpredictable variable that needed to be controlled, contained, and silenced (by giving me the silent treatment).
This really clarifies for me what I've experienced. It explains why I feel a deep sense of loss and loneliness, but yes it encourages me to reach out to other hurting, lonely people and be a safe place.
I have autism. When I learned about the phrase “the elephant in the room”, I realized that’s why my narcissistic ex couldn’t stand me. I point out the truth everyone else is trying to pretend doesn’t exist.
Yes, being a truth teller is lonely and quiet and full of grief but very peaceful too. I grieve for the mother I never had and I grieve the sad child I was who was never loved, but I'm at peace and I wouldn't change myself in any way.
I was a 'truth-see-er' and suffered for it - though I never spoke it out loud it was recognized - and as a child I suffered horribly for it - thank you for your work Dr. Ramani - it has been of great benefit to me - a broken person will never fully heal - but we get as close as we can.
We see it in Church too! I now find myself sensing when someone isn’t who they appear to be! People frighten me because I have made the mistake of believing someone is nice so very many times only to later recognise the narcissistic traits in them I’ve had to deal with through my childhood and adult life! 🙏🙏🙏
It helps me to understand that the others are just playing out their script. I can kind of sit back and watch the dynamics without being a part of it. That works best when I limit my availability to toxic connections. It is easier to hold the stability in your own mind while others create chaos when you can feel grounded in your own being. Easier said than done, but Can be a wonderful state of being to practice.
There is a difference between solitude and isolation. I would rather live peacefully in solitude than be damned in isolation. Also, there is a way to create your own family. It is a leap and it sucks to be alone for awhile, but learning about yourself and setting new standards and having friends and family who value you for who you truly are is so worth it!
My parents divorced when I was 8. I know I remember my dad having an affair with my best friends mother. I could tell that was happening. Even at such a young age. My mum went on to get married to a man that abused us. I tried telling people, then gave up. Even though he was abusing my mother too. My mother is a complete narcissist. Each time I talk to her about the abuse, she says “he hurt me too. He raped me too.” I’ve tried talking to her so many times, as I have with my father. I’ve given up now. The amount of gaslighting that comes, especially from my mother, is unbelievable. I feel defeated. Thank you for this video and others, so I can establish the fact that I am not the one in the wrong as to how I’m feeling. Keep up the good work!
I now the truth, when I told the truth, I was beaten up. So I learned to not say anything. Beaten up, not just physically. Continues in adulthood. I became a liar, just to stop them. Or to not be able to share my true thoughts, and it'd be ok. Live alone now. Wouldn't have it any other way!!!
I am an artist and reformed people pleaser. My good heartedness, my talent, my accomplishments were all ignored, used, played down, even shamed. I have been fighting (sadly) for acknowledgement ever since but have run into jealous, abusive, malevolent narcs in my workplace and art circles. It is shocking as I look back on 61 years of this. I feel like I have died and risen. I finally have freed myself -- huge thanks to you Dr. Ramani for your good work. Your videos have given me the information and validation I needed to save myself from the all-consuming evil.
Hey Dr. Ramani, I was a student in your abnormal psychology class a few years back. I am really happy that I found you on youtube and get to learn even more from you!
I'm a truth seeker, I'm a truth teller. I remember telling my grandma that I don't want to be around people who lie and don't accept the truth. She said well you'll have no one than. I said: I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by lies. I live a simple life will little contact to most of my family and small amount with few friends. There is a peace that comes with that but at times some loneliness. However I was more lonely around my family and people who didn't live in a place of truth. That's the most lonelinest place of all. Thank you for these videos, where the truth tellers can hang. Xx
I have a son who fits the description perfectly. He now lives with me. It so sad that he is now "ostracized " from the surface family that believes they are a "family" when in reality they are in a cult-like environment with a narcissist running the show. Is there videos I and/or he to watch to help him through this lonely part of his journey. He is a young teenager.
I would recommend browsing the titles of all the videos on this channel, and see if any of them stand out. The truth is, nearly all of the videos will have at least "some" relevance. And if you find certain topics that are especially helpful, you can search for those topics on other channels. I hope this helps, and good luck for you and your teenage son. He is very lucky to have you.
Heidi P, I certainly feel for your situation. Might be best to suggest a recommended therapist your son could talk to because anything that you’d suggest could and would be used against you? There are good ones out there. My ex spouse and I went to a woman that nailed the dysfunctional behavior in a nanosecond. Left me head spinning. Hallelujah. Good luck 💐
"narcissist running the show" is my husbands sister. They all know she is psychopatic, but for the sake of her mother they allow her to do whatever she wants (manipulating, bad mouthing, lying). I have also narcissistic sister. The only difference is, she is trying but not running the show. It didn't work with my parents. Long of strenght for the boy. i think the best way is let him know what the situation is and that there is nothing wrong with him but with them. When I was teenager I didn't know what the abuse from my sister really was. I blamed myself and I thought I was weird. This knowledge is priceless. It will save him.
I am the truth teller and scapegoat. I have felt a tremendous relief knowing it was never me. Why did I take on the role like it was my job? I felt pride knowing the only thing that stood between my sibling and my Dad was me. I feel so robbed and kinda stupid for playing into it so easy. The key was moving far away from them. I am finding peace. I was good all along!!!!!
I, without knowing the term, was a “truth teller”. Their response lead to a no contact decision to save myself and the progress I made through therapy. I agree with the “peace/pain” comment. Would I do the “truth telling” again? Even though it cost me the loss of family, I needed to stay true to myself, to heal. There has been some reconnection (after nearly 30 years) and these siblings respect my truth. The two who refuse to recognize me and my truth, know of this reconnection. I struggled with making the first step and decided, for me, I would respect their silence-not chasing them...also to protect my truth. This was another video, helping me to pick up loose pieces and get some resolution through understanding. And I thank you!
For me, telling the truth was how I stayed sane as a child, or if I couldn't say it out loud, I would vow to remember it and never forget. Now at age 50 I have almost no tolerance for anyone who treats lies as a convenience. My friends are few but they are real and have lasted for decades.
I'll agree with you, Dr Ramani has amazing variety with content. 'Truth' is a power but it can take time to absolve deception. The returns on it are 'respect' and only one person is fully entitled to carry that through their whole life with civility. Kids need an education while parents must know better 🙏 while truth....is in the telling.
For years I heard my older sibling tell me I was too honest and I put up with the crap years. My voice was never really heard and I became marginalised. The Truth Seer is the perfect statement for the scapegoated child and that sense of grief and loneliness is still with me in my 50s.
I think I was the truth teller until I was 26-28, then I realized speaking up caused family mobbing and I had to stop talking. Afterwards, when my family began to realize I didn't speak up about those things anymore, they began bringing up those subjects whenever I was in the room(not to me, but to people sitting next to me). I sensed they were trying to bait me, so I pretended not to listen, kept silent or pretended to be interested in something else. After THAT they began telling me things like "I know what your REAL opinion is" or "I know deep down you don't believe that", followed immediately by the flavor of the week insults. As time went by I started using the phrase "It's been years since I've ever said anything about that...", it seemed to placate them for a while, but they became louder and more toxic as the years passed.
Your example shows that the truths you were telling are not the problem. What they are trying to goat out of you are the contradicting opinions to theirs, right or wrong. That opens the door for them to generate a conflict that creates the narcissistic fuel the Dr always references. Your natural instincts are to defend your truths, but logic and truth never seems to work on them like it does with rational people. That feeling is what drives you crazy, until you realize the truths in the topic of conversation were never their goal. The goal was the conflict, the fuel and the feeling they get being a narcissist. The good news is once you learn to see them you can spot it coming a mile away.
I grew up in a violent narcissistic family. Kept my mouth shut. And was sent to a child psychologist that threw his hands up because I never opened up because my father would have best me senseless. He was very adept at switching masks. He could beat the crap out of me one minute and go all “ I m so sorry” and hug me and explain why ‘I’ needed to change. I hand the choice of like an 8 yr old in the grip of a 265 lb man. I don’t like people or crowds and am estranged from my family, as they picked up on this and learned early on to use it yo their advantage. I I don’t envy anyone this position. It affects every aspect of your life.
So that means all my 44 years i’ve been a truth see-er since a small child & went on to become a truth teller. It’s more intense now because now I can’t tolerate un-truth, that it’s often gotten me into arguments, debates, and troubles. Thank you for your eye/mind/heart/soul-opening videos🙏
Interesting you mention "truth seers", I guess that has always been me, seeing the dynamics in my family, people's contradictions, denied emotions and secondary emotions, and all sorts of patterns (either negative or positive), but I've always been lonely because I could talk to and understand everyone but very few people understood _me_ , and even among the ones who did, it was mostly superficial or enmeshed ("I'm _sorta_ like you, 'therefore', I understand everything about you already" kind of attitude that really sucks).
I love the comment about feeling the grief of lose and missing out. I declined to go to my grandmother’s 80th celebration because I knew it would rob me of my peace. The other part I’ve come to realize is that I am grieving imagined relationships and interaction that are not a true reflection of the experience if I had chosen to participate. I have my peace that’s the tangible thing I can hold on to.
Dr. Ramani, I can't stop thinking about what you said about being a truth hearer! You COMPLETELY and VERY ACCURATELY DESCRIBED my whole life! Almost all members of my family were narcissists, and in the middle of it all was me, the lone truth teller and SCAPE GOAT! It made me so sad that being honest only gave me anger and in return, punishment and rejection. As a child I was very confused. Why did doing the RIGHT thing bring such anger from my family and not pride and happiness toward me?My mom would "tattle" to my father about something I said during the day and when he got home from work, he was in a rage! They never explained why he was angry or why whatever I had said was so bad! As an adult looking back, I see that I was a whistleblower, and in their self righteous minds, HOW DARE I ACCUSE THEM OF NOT BEING PERFECT!! I thank God they didn't wind up killing me. Their anger was there most of the time and after I was FINALLY ABLE TO MOVE OUT, they couldn't understand why I didn't want to visit them!!! 😳 The abuse has finally stopped because my father passed away and my mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am. The rest of my family ignore me most of the time and when I do see them, their "happiness" to see me seems very shallow and phoney. I live alone now and don't persue friendships too much. It's better but lonely- Thank you again Dr. Ramani!!!! You've given me the missing pieces to the puzzle!💐
This has had meaning for so many. How great in this confining time that we can have access like this to the best of the best therapist. Repeating my request for how to deal with narcissistic doctors & what signals to look for with a new one. Their egos truly get in the way of working on improved health.
It's beautiful the way you show gratitude for Dr Ramani in this comment. Can I suggest that look for a doctor in the same way? If you need a drug, or a surgery or something else only allopathic medicine can offer, play the game with the narc doc. Seek kinder alternative health practitioners who really care about health to take your health to the next level. You can also find these on RUclips. Good luck🕊
Medical doctors can be terrible gaslighters, in my experience. I’ve had fibromyalgia since I was young, but they all treated me like a crazy lying hypochondriac for over thirty years. Then you come home to more of the same. I’ll be perfectly happy now with a cave and a dog.
@@peggycearnach8034 That's been my experience too, Peggy. I'm an adult and I can live with the behavior itself, but when they make a judgment that they are not going to believe anything say from the moment they see your diagnoses, then that has a profound effect on getting any treatment. People say "just find another doctor," but after months of research and referral i finally selected a new one - same story. Finances are limited so functional medicine doctors are off the list right now but I am NOT giving up! Hope you have many good days in your future. E
I have some good close friends that get me. I've always placed more importance on friendships over family. Friends tick all the boxes for me. They have experienced much of the same of what I have. I remember when I first got lonely I prayed that some good friends would come into my life and they did. They were just what I needed at the time.
Wow, spot on, looking back , in my life , I knew there was a difference in my family compared to others. And even within my own family, my aunt was always the light!!! Today as I look at my dad, I no longer see him as my father, but as my grandfather's son, the disconnect was painful and deep......
I totally get you. I had to rid my father as well. It's funny you mention that as I was trying to get more information on how my father's father was. Since I bugged my father off my life I'm so much happier and content now. He's going berserk when I hang up the phone when I'm calling my mother but he's the one answering in her place and I simply hang up without even saying a word. 🙌🏻👍🏻
I too realized at an early age that my family was different from others. At first I thought I was just comparing TV show families with mine which was why mine was different, but then I started realizing that elementary school was a place where the rules stayed the same and applied to everyone and if broken the punishment fit the crime and was forgiven. Not the case at home.
When I watched your videos I felt so relieved because after decades I felt understood and heard. I have always been a truth teller and nobody likes truth tellers and consequently they get alienated.
I was raised by a Antisocial father and an enabling mother, also an Antisocial sister. At the age of 45, I am now understanding it all as I am becoming "the sole" truth teller in a family that runs deep!!! With psychopaths and avoidance filled with insane secrecy. If I had nit found Dr. Ramani and medcircle!!!! I am not too sure,,, Thank you and thank you and thank you
"You were robbed of part of the human experience". That hit the nail on the head for me. I very much was the scapegoat in my husband's family. I was once actually apologized to and told "I'm really sorry. We used you as our scapegoat. We would make you mad and hope you would say somethingso we wouldn'thave too". I have a few family members in my own family that do the same. I'm veiwed as the lesser of the group to some. It's a very hard thing to live with and it hurts to be ostracized for telling the unpopular truth. I have officially pulled away from most of my husband's family and a couple in my own just to have some peace. I can no longer tolerate it. It's hard for my husband also, but he does see what's really going on and he understands.
You're awesome for considering our comments. I like this forum...we learn from each other. The experiences we walk thru are not in vain. We share so that others don't have to go thru such difficult lessons that we chose to do. Thanks so much Dr R. You are a wise woman!
So glad to see this particular Video uploaded. I was raised in a Narc home, married into Narcissism, and have had so many Narc bosses. Narcissism is a terrible thing to have to deal and work with, and it is rampant in many societies and cultures today. Ive always been the TruthTeller or -Seer, and when you begin to see how bad Narcissism IS in the world generally speaking, that is indeed very lonely. However Ill say again that Im glad to have seen so much Narcissism in my life. It's taught me to beware of it, and it's shown me who I do NOT want to be. In an odd way, Ive learned a lot from the Narc's in my life. Peace out everyone
It was so helpful to hear that video. I’m often gaslighted or scapegoated. Many times in my past I triggered people on purpose. In my older years now, I just want peace. It still surprises me how people twist and manipulate things just to try and gaslight me. I just don’t give them any energy. It is hard because often it’s a lonely path.
I've exposed truths within my family in my 20s, iam scapegoat as well. Scapegoat extended to some cousins as well.A way not to lookat their divorces. Iam in50s now. It is lonely place. With therapy n Dr. Ramini ,and other professionals I know I truely never deserve t mind n emotion games my Mother, sisters, cousins did tome. With the role my mother then sister put me into, I never had a chance. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani❤
Dr. Ramani another great video, including highlighting the comments. It also funny enough feel very validating to have the comment community recognized when recovering from narcissistic abuse also by participating in the discussions in the comment your videos. More videos about the truth seers/truth tellers would be great, including why certain children develop this ability and how that can help them as adults compared to adult children who copy the narcissistic behavior of narcissistic parents would be really great. Thanks
The loneliness is always there because there is never any real authentic connection in the narcissistic relationship anyway. I tried to ignore that truth for years. It’s better to see the loneliness as space for authentic connections with others.
The first video lit up so many light bulbs for me and I finally felt the total definition of my life. I am LMFT now because of my upbringing. And I continue to be the truth teller in my family and now extended family. I have committed my life to supporting other truth tellers and leading others in seeing the truth. I have found my peace and strength in this although my grief comes in waves about my childhood and family, some estranged, its continuous growth for me.
I remember always telling my parents that I was the scapegoat. I called it out early. There was always something my fault, my father was allowed to yell at me because he claimed I struggled to listen. One time my mom replied "DON'T THINK OF YOURSELF SO IMPORTANT!!", when I confronted her. NC with mom for 1 year, biggest blessing of my life. Never going back.
On another topic, since I have been learning from these videos, I find that so many movies are almost unwatchable or unenjoyable. There is such a prevalence of narc relationships and more worrisome is a theme that the most awful behaviors can be cured or changed
I wasn’t a truth teller or see-er as a child but once I got it as a young adult, I couldn’t Unsee. Even when I see, I give much grace to people, at least until they cross my boundary.
I just found the notebooks I had written as a teen about my living situations at home with my parents! Very interesting read!!! I was definitely a truth teller then and indeed a scapegoat! I was the only one that had the courage to say the what I saw and heard was wrong! My mother had the life of a codependent which gave her anxiety and depression. My father was very much a overt narcissist!!!! He was the first bully me and my 2 sisters experienced first hand. He also had a sexual perversion and molested us. I wrote my experiences and the feelings they gave me. I always retreated to the solitude of my room or sat outside in the yard at night after everyone had gone to bed. I ended up moving out way before I was ready at the age of 19. I was told that once I move out I wasn't welcome back. My father hated me for my truth telling and my codependent mother would beg me to be quiet so I didn't get dear old dad mad! Utter emotional chaos and turmoil when you're a teenager dealing with teenage angst to begin with. My parents ending up divorcing after 25 years of marriage. I swore I would never tolerate a relationship like that. But here I am, after 33 years of marriage, and lots of effort to "fix" our relationship, facing divorce myself. My husband is also a narcissist but a more vulnerable narcissist. He too, is controlling, emotionally immature and abusive. Through years of counseling and medication to treat my anxiety and depression, I have learned it's time to move on and find my peace I have longed for. Thank you for your teachings and the followers comments who have helped give me the courage to see that I deserve so much more!
As a clinical psych student, I must say I love this channel and have shown it to my family during the time period where my mother mentally deteriorated after a stroke. It has helped a lot. PLEASE do an episode series on here called “Ramani Reacts” where you react to certain things. -Julian😊
I used to call family meetings as a child of 10 years old to discuss how we all could be more loving to each other (like in the Brady Bunch). Enabler dad would deny there was a problem and covert narc mom would make fun of me and laugh and get golden child brother to join in on the bullying. I would be sitting there crying as I tried to explain why our family wasn’t working. I am in my 50’s and have gone super low contact with my parents now. I will make darn sure that I will never carry the burden of their old age issues in the future. I am in a 12-step program now for issues of codependency and shame and am slowly uncovering the layers of my life. I will not allow myself to be complicit in my parents’ false narrative ever again!! 💪
That honor you
Sounds like you're on a good path, congratulations.
Love this.
Wish I was that Brave. But they knew I was a Hippy soul child at 4. My family was all Military at one point to escape their abusive houses. I was shamed because I probably " would join the peace corp" You know for certain that you are not Unconditionally loved at that point. So sorry sweet soul sister. Sending you Love 💗
I called family meetings too! I also tried 1:1’s. As a child, I thought telling them how much they were loved and all the good things I could see about them would help them stop all the lies and cruelty. I could just see insecurities abounding and I thought just maybe I could fix it. Clearly, I was wrong. It would just be met with things like taking my books away because “you think you’re so smart” or pointing out how I hadn’t succeeded at something to try and redirect. It was devastating.
My dad told my mom one time to “watch out” for me because he struggled to control my perception of his actions no matter how much violence or gaslighting or other tactics he used to try and silence me. I was 11 years old and he spoke to my mom of me like I was some type of mastermind. The fact that my father was threatened by an 11 year old girl and at least acknowledged that I was very good at evading his control might be the most validating thing he’s said about me. Best moment of my life is when my dad told me he “gave up” on me. I know I was supposed to see it as a sad thing but I felt the chains come off me that day.
That's about the same age for me, when Mom started "threatening" to take me to a psychiatrist. I shut the H up and never made another peep that could be interpreted.
I'm sure Mom would have LOVED to have a mental case in the family to talk about and feel burdened over, for the rest of her/my life.
@@whereisyourhumanity7557 They are really sick!!
My mother "gave up" on me after I went to college and she couldn't control me anymore. The comments here are all too familiar.
Mother did take me to therapy to attempt to "fix me". She even drive me to an inpatient facility one time but I erased my name from the white board and then they forgot to come and get me so after 4 hours we finally left. Every time I truth tell, parents always minimized what I said and attempted to gaslight me into thinking I was the problem. I'm somewhat free now as an adult but the years of abuse do cause me to still be confused sometimes. It's like I'm aware that I'm confused and I shouldn't be but those constant voices drowning out my own thoughts are frustratingly effect even today at 44, happily married with kids, financially stable, own my own business and building a new larger home for our family. The main lesson I take away from my childhood is to remember that our words as a parent cut deeper than anyone else in the world and those words will stick with our kids sometimes their entire lives....so guard your words. Peace to all who come here. Love Dr. R!!!!
So sad this man never knew you and never knew love. I am so sorry this happened to you. I can relate as there are some real gems that my parents dropped that exposed the core of what they were. So sad. 😢😢😢
The truth tellers and seers are among the people I have so much respect for. No gaslighting, no mind games, just the peace of mind that even they themselves are who they say they are.
THANK YOU so much for this comment! Thank you for seeing us!
Exactly right - being a truth-teller in a toxic family environment, when you are a child and have ZERO power, is NOT a survival-trait.
Nope. because you'll get whacked into the ground and mistreated into oblivion, because they know you're "just a kid" and can't get away, and can't defend yourself, and can't just pick up and go somewhere else. Hell it's even that way sometimes for us grown adults!!!
Seeing better than others is a very strong survival trait. It is exactly this why narcissists - who want to be the ultimate survivors - are fighting most vehemently against those who can see their things. And as Dr Ramani has multiple times said, having survived narcissistic abuse, and having learnt from it makes one more powerful than anyone else.
@@GratiarumActio Agreed. The main difficulty, in my view, for the truth seer/teller in a child / dysfunctional parent relationship can often be in keeping quiet in the face of obvious hypocrisy and/or injustice, particularly if personal integrity is one of the core 'teachings' of the narcissistic parent. This happens often in repressive religious settings, in particular: truth is always lauded by the domineering narcissist, but only as it applies to the child revealing all to the parent. When the parent then subsequently displays obvious disregard for their own credo, without even acknowledging it, holding one's tongue can be very problematic.
@@TheMercilessEye Fundamentalistic religiosity is a fertile soil for narcissists to flower. A very difficult topic. I could tell stories. My biggest trouble-making ever was to study theology as a truth-seer.
@@GratiarumActio Please...don't even get me started. Really.
I’m a truth see’er and I was a truth teller but I have learnt to be quiet more often as it was too taxing on me. I feel lonely being the truth see’er in both family and my friendship groups. It does hurt and can be sad but I prioritise peace.
Yeah people call you negative for telling the truth
I honor truth tellers and seers, and I honor you.
Perhaps consider keeping lots of distance between you and people that make you feel bad for being respectfully honest.
I’m the outsider in my family because, now that I’m older, I still see the truth and they know it and don’t want to hear it or FEEL it really, so I’m not included in the family. I know it but it is painful to see it hurt my children when they are not included when cousins are, in family gatherings. Being a truth seer is very lonely but you can’t change what you’re born with. I can’t change what I see. Yes you want to be included into the family fold. It hurts to be uncomfortable around the people who supposedly love you but don’t want you there.
My eldest daughter has been severely punished by her narcissistic Mother because of her honesty and inability to accept the injustice without speaking out.
The term scapegoat is often banded about too easily , definitely not in her case.
It's heartbreaking to think about it and my sympathy is with anyone who has suffered in this way.
I was blown away by the comment from someone who said it took 78 years to finally acknowledge and honor that they do see things the way they are.
If you want to see a truth teller, look to a 13 year old daughter telling off her narcissistic mother. I think that was my height of "acting out" and truth before my spirit was stomped out. Got it back after 22 years of no contact but still feel effects.
At 80yrs old. I Thankyou. I always knew it wasn’t me. 😘🙏🐒
@@elainehoward9577 Wonderful to read this.
At 84 totally agree.
Also
I keep telling myself
Better late than never.
Moving on make every blessed day count.
🤶
that was me...I was unstoppable and angry as a teen....I left at 18 and grew so much in a supportive loving group!
I'm surprised that you weren't medicated & labelled w_ a psych disorder &/or institutionalized. Like in this worldview.
Yes I had a period when my mother had worn me down and I gave up and gave over. It was about ages 11-18 while I was living at home. I stood up to her again in my mid-thirties. It was so traumatic that I got a pain in my gut and was diagnosed with a parasite and had intense treatment. It reoccurred ever time I called her for almost 2 years. It was pointed out to me that this is the chakra associated with personal power.I finally got strong enough to be able to be around her without getting sick. Almost 40 years later I’m distant but cope better by accepting that she won’t change and I didn’t get the support and family I wanted. Bummer! But I’d rather be independent than in her web. If I don’t need anything from her, she can’t disappoint
As a child, i spent most of my time "truth telling" finding out about affairs and secrets that my little shoulders should not have had to handle. I was the black sheep. But I learnt to be ok with that. I hate liars.
It is so important to me to tell the truth!! But you are never thanked for it!
I would rather be me, than the toxic people in my life. 🤷🏽♀️
In the first place, they lie to themselves and it is not my job to detect and call out every lie. I think, there are boundaries in truth telling, too. 🙂
Im a truth teller. I hate it because no one in my family believes me instead they all think im crazy. My nar is working overtime on me
Me too!
Fortunately, in my family they know me and how I behave and they know the narc is... bad (gosh, I hate to use this word towards people, but she does have detrimental behaviors), so I don't worry about the potential bad mouthing.
Everybody in a toxic family plays their role. Sometimes it isn't that they don't believe you or think you are crazy. They can't admit the truth and shatter the family facade. I admit it's sad sometimes but I would rather know than put blinders on.
Be at peace you know the Truth, it stes you free🙋
Thank you all, so very much! I needed this. I will take this all in stride
I am 67 year's of life and wisdom and I never knew that I was a "truth teller" and after listening to you talk about what it meant within 5 minutes I understood a lifetime of why I was (scapegoat) and confirmation that I was not crazy and I had always been spot on when I watched and listened to my mother who I realize was Narcissist and I am so very thankful for you Dr.Ramani !
I can tell by your avatar you're a fellow empath. 😂
ETA: I just saw your username - yep!
This is so me! I remember watching the adults at a get together at age 4-5. I'm watching my father lie to get a reaction from them and it seemed that I was the only one who could see that he was lying. I remember thinking that big ppl weren't very smart.
Lol, the pure and smart understanding of a child.
A lot of big people really AREN'T smart!
@@aprilhancy7277 sometimes it's years of unhealthy relationships that culminate in a warped view of reality
My mom stole money from the church to buy me something to eat. I wasn't even that hungry. She blamed me for it because I asked for something to eat. She returned the money later, but the damage was done. My mom stole from God because I said I was hungry. I never asked for anything to eat from her while we were out ever again.
You were right!
My daughter who is 19, is a truth teller. She is so wise beyond her years. She saw the truth about her dad, who is a narccisist and saw it in my boyfriend, who is also a narccisist. She saw it right away but didn't want to say anything to me because she didn't want to hurt me. We have recently talked about it and she was blunt. I am so glad to know she won't find herself in a toxic relationship as I have.
Also you need to realise if the chil is young and you had 2 you need to get rid for the children's sake
Why do you keep
Dating narcissists??
My mother actually said to me once "you were never a child"! Now, looking back, I realise she felt threatened by me even as a 5 year old. Like many, I was also raised to make excuses for bad behaviour and give people the benefit of the doubt. It seems to be a common theme.
My mother most likely still thinks I am a child in her mind, even though I'm 50, which is ironic since she robbed me of any childhood.
How about sweeping their lies and/or bad behavior under the rug and never bringing it up again (or being admonished if you do?)?
Le th, you bet! That's exactly what a narcissist expects everyone to do, sweep their abuse under the rug and just don't mention it ever again. The narcissist is so entitled that they think rules don't "really" apply to them (but apply critically to everyone else) so mentioning their bad behavior is treated like you just violated their "absolute right" to misbehave toward others. You and a narcissist could both be speeding down the highway, but if the police pulls one of you over, the narcissist will complain incessantly that you were speeding too if they got caught, yet laugh and think you deserved it if the police pulled you over. Double standards for everything, including sweeping things under the rug.
@@danielkaiser8971 You definitely seem to understand how narcissists think and view others, and I'm sad to think of how well you comprehend this and how you might have had to learn this the hard way, like many of us.
Le th, Let's just say that for many of us, narcissism has been a "life study" since (before?) birth. And I am no exception to this. Thank you for your kind words.
Wow. I feel so seen. I moved across the country the moment I could. My family calls me for advice since “i’m the wise one” and “will tell them the truth” but the moment we share space they can’t wait to tell me how little I know and how fragile I am. It’s like they store up insults and judgement like little camels. The less I engage, the more uncomfortable and agitated they get, but when I do speak they tell me how mean I am and how I think I’m above them. It’s lonely because I love them. But I know that loving me means that they can only have limited access.
I can relate
This is so true of what I've been perceiving about my present situation. So sad and painful.
Record it when they treat you like that, and play it back to them when they ask for advice. Tell them you're glad to give advice, as long as they respect it.
I understand.😢
That would take sooo much effort! @@whereisyourhumanity7557
“I see dead people .. I see them all the time”. Line from the movie “Sixth sense” story of my life but these ppl are not dead but are in their spirit
I feel like this too. I see behind the mask of everyone and know why every word is spoken by everyone! Or indeed why specific things aren't spoken by certain people! I don't know if it's years of being around my family or I just have a natural ability but I sometimes feel I'm living in a parallel universe!
@@lynneleverton8825 “why specific things aren’t spoken by certain people”. That’s a very interesting statement .. I will say something to someone and I know what the proper response is in a general sense and when they don’t answer in that proper context, I know they aren’t listening or don’t give a damn and it says a lot about them .. it’s kind of like a ‘test the spirits’ thing
That's correct !
I’m sorry you feel this. 😢🙏🏼
this is so powerful. i honestly can't believe there are more of people who see the truth in people. it's so hard, but i wouldnt change it for being oblivious. my grandfather was like this too and he used it to improve work condition for entire factories and get workers treated with respect, which gives me hope that we can utilise our gift to help others.
I learnt to be silent very young, trouble is l couldn’t control raising an eyebrow or letting out a sigh...enough to trigger narcissistic rage.
Seeing the truth and having no one believe you is a very lonely place indeed.Thankyou so much for this, l feel understood.
Although I was a truth seer, I learned to have a blank, expressionless demeanor. My narc parent could say, "What are you so happy about? I had a terrible childhood!" or "What do have to be sad about? My childhood was much worse!" etc. No emotions were safe in my house (only parental rage was allowed). Then I'd go to my room or out on a long walk to soothe myself with my private thoughts or creative pursuits. Novels taught me how "real" humans interacted.
Wow! Evolving into a person who becomes lonely but a peaceful person is exactly what has taken place with me.
Me too. Although I'm open for a relationship only that I'm very keen now on whom I let into my life. Before therapy I'd pick people with which I'd get to repeat the toxic dynamic of narcissism. And now,.they still get me sometimes, although I eventually rid them off (usually after a conversation or two). I think the most damaging aspect of the interaction is when they're getting their narcissist supply and you feel like trash (as something discarded) after the narc has "done away with you". In these moments what's most healthiest is to let yourself cry, heal and remember to tell yourself all the time that the problem is not with you and that you're good enough and you deserve to be happy and find someone who is compassionate and loyal to you. 👍🏻🙌🏻🤗
Me too, except I feel so peaceful that I don't really feel alone. I have made friends over the years and no matter how much time passes between not seeing or hearing from each other, they and I pick up right where we left off as if no time had passed at all. If we are in need (such as a ride to and from a minor surgical procedure), we are only a phone call or email away since we live in the same city.
@@danielkaiser8971 yeah, who wants to commit to glommy relationships even if they are toxic free.
The old saying is 'there is no prize equal to the prize of freedom'. (?) 😖😁
Quality friends don't really measure in quantity or duration. People you know are better as the people you can't forget 🙏
@@danielkaiser8971 I agree Daniel, once you get past the 'lonely' stage it is so amazing to be alone and in control of what goes on in your life. I also have a few trusted friends who I know I can rely on any time.
Me too!
It hurts and it’s lonely to see people for who they are. But any time you want to go back in to get scapegoated, blamed and abused the narcissistic creeps will be waiting for you.
Plus you get to be reduced to a child if you stick around. This can happen on the phone too. I don't have to go there to 'go there' :/
@@bevybaby1000 absolutely!
He hated me for always speaking truth...my truth was an arrow for him
True. My father would treat me as 'bad' and I would get blamed for everything. As a adult I would give people the benefit of the doubt because I never got it in my family. I thought that was a form of respect to them. I have been taken advantage of many times.
I want to move far away from my narc aunt,But due to culture and being a girl I cant :( I spoke the truth but she never believed me My favourite aunt took her side when She knows ive done nothing wrong ,My favourite aunt thought that I hit my narc aunts child Id never do that but no one believed me :(
La Sphynge Right behind you. Such a boost to find someone who has guts
The remark about how the "peace outweighs the pain" is such a zinger for me. In a dsicussion with another person about cutting off toxic family members, she asked me if I sometimes feel a sense of guilt for it. I admitted that I do. But then I said that when I think about engaging withy family, or think about them at all, my heart ends up in my throat, and I become griped by anxiety, just from the thought. I told her I may feel guilt, but the peace I also feel is much more profound. Why would I risk my peace for anxiety? It isn't worth the aggravation.
After five years no contact with my eldest brother just showed up at my front door. I was in his presence for about 1.5hrs. He was so vile. I tried to observe and not absorb and react, plus I just fawned/froze at all of the gaslighting and manipulation, but I ended up breaking out all over my body for about a month. My body swole up and my skin cracked. I was so scared! Promised myself I wouldn’t do that to myself again.
I say this to say trust yourself. Your instincts are right. I was so amazed at how much vile stuff could be packed into one and a half hours. I was truly amazed! He exploited every moment or opportunity, I’m still amazed and comfortable, no longer guilty, with this decision to go NC and stay this was, it’s safest.
Preach!
It makes me sad bc my family and my ex-in-laws are so religiously dysfunctional I had to cut them off.
Ian McShea I wish you could turn off the guilt. Not easy, I know. Glad for Dr. Ramani. We can speak our truth here and be understood.
Absolutely, many nerves touched for me watching this video and reading the comments.
@@SaraFJones I have had no contact with my brother now for 3 years, then out of the blue he turned up at my door too. He is not only a vile narcissist but is married to an even worse one, they have both caused such pain, never knew there were people out there who could be so awful especially to their family.
I have done the same as you and promised myself to never let myself go through that again, the door will never be open to him again, we deserve our peace.
Yes Ma’am, the truth tellers as children do become the scapegoat. I also think though that the pain undergone in those experiences can assist in providing the foundation to become that spokesperson for injustice and standing up for fairness. Wonderful video. Thank you
It's been my dream since I can remember to get ppl to see the injustice in our world. Narcissism was the piece of my education that was missing but I could see that it was there. Like astronomers can "see" dark matter...to the little girl that asked herself what is wrong with ppl? Why is everyone so cruel? The answer was narcissism and Cluster B. Let's shout it from the rooftops and wipe out social injustice!!!
I have become the person to stand up to injustices in life. for people and for animals. I was the scapegoat and the truth teller child. I have now been disinherited for it. People doing wrong don't like the truth.
Not always, especially if that truth-teller is a form of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic parent AND there is already another child who was forced into the role of the scapegoat.
A truth-teller may be a very aesthetically attractive child, a highly intelligent and/or over-achieving child, or maybe a very athletically-inclined child who is gifted in sports....all these types of accomplishment are forms of narcissistic supply for a parent.
Surely you've seen the bumper stickers that say "My child is a honor student at XYZ school"? THAT right there is a form of narcissistic supply for a parent, and they pay for those bumper stickers just so everywhere they drive the people who happen to drive behind them will see it (and in a narcissist's incredibly warped and self-absorbed mind, they believe all those who drive behind them are see that will automatically admire them....seriously).
If a child's personal accomplishments can be used as a form of narcissistic supply for a parent, it is unlikely they will be placed into the role of scapegoat, unless all the other children in the family also have equal or greater accomplishments.
You can be a truth-teller and NOT be a scapegoat in the above (or similar)cases.
If you've become a spokesperson for injustice and standing up for fairness after being scapegoated, I'm so happy for you and I hope you are proud of yourself for making lemonade out of lemons!
@@le_th_ I love what you wrote. I wish I knew you irl.
@@blackheartearthseed8341 Thank you for your kind words, Octavia. Sending you
Dr. Ranami, you nailed it. I am a truth seeker and I have never felt welcomed by anyone in my entire family. I finally accepted this reality and grieved for being robbed of normal loving family.
❣I hear and feel you!
Me too.
Except by my mom much later in life after my father died.
😥.. 🕯🍀🕊🌟 Shame On Them!! 😠🤜
I am a truth teller and have been vocal about it since 2012. My narcissistic sibling, now 53, always tries to make me look crazy, or manipulate it so that our characters are switched. Most of my family members have no idea who my sibling really is. I tried to help my sibling change once again, and I was met with verbal and emotional abuse. Three decades of this....I realized realized yesterday I can't do this anymore. I am limiting contact to family events and will leave early. My phone is blocked once again, social media has long been blocked as my sibling stalked me on my support group. My parents tend to side with my sibling because of the fake charm and manipulation. My kids stay neutral. There are friends and family that avoid my sibling. I have health problems and I can't have all that stress, fear and misery in my life. Health and peace is more important than an unhealthy relationship.
Doctor Ramsni I’m a survivor of both narcissistic parents and I love your channel it’s been such a huge help therapy as well thank you so much
They are all narcissists outright until proven otherwise 😉💙
Both of my parents have narcissism too, but the difference is that I somehow always knew deep down as a child and to this day that my dad loved and still loves me. Later this month he will turn 88 years old. He is no angel and in 2016 I went nearly a year not talking to him, but having one parent I knew loved me has likely been my saving grace. I am at the very least able to love and be loved in return despite other issues.
@@danielkaiser8971 can they both exist with each other trying too find out?
@Madeleine Astor communal and family narcissism, worst of all both parents especially if they manage to segregate the children from eachother before destroying or creeping away from their own relationship together...together,,? 😆
Their compulsions are hard to understand as a child, perhaps as a point that this makes us narc magnets till we finally develop and get our composures and stance right in matters of general yet accurately conveyed self perceptions, however bogged down and eluded by these strange and crafty magicians of self-righteous intent, a blanket for spite.
The thing is if you are interested in getting the facts no-contact is a poor option but as well helps when circumstances offer no other benefit to your health and life circumstances. As it is true we are all vulnerable to narcissism. Just stating 'I'm not like that, they are vile and the worst (evil) is a human fallout. You can sympathy them a bit when the terms are straight as opposed to calling them out however too soon or too late.
So hang in on the relationships even if it's a sideliner. You dont want to fear, worry or deduce the new or apparent narcissist through life's passing failures as late as it can be until you full well have come to realize. You need your backbone as stout and one of the best ways of exploring narcissism and narc defense/offense, workings and traps (being confmditiined warrior...) are from within the relationships you have come to know/think you have known and have attempted to abide by. Sure kids grow up and any direction can find reason to push away from eachother.
Sure some people the way they are deserve to be on the scrap pile, but that's what they tend to do essentially to others don't forget.
Keep humanity with you, however sacred and formidable you become as an ally within. The concerns we manage effectively and well should be our own and I certainly don't mean this in the sense of covert or vulnerable narcissists.
How they find pleasure and reward values we have adapted to greater purpose in the interest of what existence should be in store of.
These are 'nice' comments everyone, people with an interest to escape or atleast thrive from narcissitic abuse inescapably by who they were born, to the the home that had them trapped in a cycle usually of emotional harm and torment as developing souls. 🙏💙
Just see how they develop as we all become gone in the future, can all say that without a poisoned heart there unto would be mightily with the world...
As a narc survivor that loneliness is the ultimate exchange; peace & quiet was foreign to us, the comparison is the chaos and confusion that used to be our 'normal.' I'd much rather be lonely. ♡
Nothing is more powerful than personal experiences. I can tell many here have been at ground zero.
For more than 7 years Ive been gaslighted .Im only 17.When I finally noticed she was a narc I cried but I was happy,Im not crazy.Ive forgotten all the bad things she said to me... that’s gaslighting......And eh it hurts no one likes her but she hold the most power :(
So true this. Ground zero is where I am.
Over the past year and a half the comments have been so important to me- when you think that it's you yourself who is faulty, and then realise that all these other people are going through exactly the same thing and they can't all be confused in exactly the same way- that's when it sinks in that we are not all nuts. For so long I did think that I had a mental illness that I didn't know about, like being on another plane. When people swear up and down that you said and did things that you did not do it's very confusing.
Yes, very important. This is why those zombies most often seek to isolate people from others, to have full control over their "dollhouse"
Same on every point. I would go to doctors, break down in front of them because I "ruin everything for everyone and I'm so broken and crazy" then I'd get the wildest diagnoses including very strong medication for those mental illnesses. One part of my narcs would steal my meds to drug themselves and the other part would profit out of me being too tired from the meds to fight back by just doubling their terror. I'm so glad that all of this is over and that I'm not alone with this.
@@Kenzofeis that's exactly it the narcs want to play "dollhouse" and they will continue to do so with or without u being around
Yes like the strangers in these comments make me feel so safe
You nailed it with this video - truth seeing/teller - eventually, is a lonely place to be. As you get older and understand things better you become even more self aware etc. you see it all around you on social media, work place etc..It is hard to not "see" and pretend to be ok.
Agreed 100%
It was always lonely, when you think about it.
@@Greenwings701 Loneliness is my earliest memory... #truthseer
I just decided to go no contact, in no small part due to your videos. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, these videos saved my life. You have given me the strength to take my power and life back for myself. I will always be grateful for your videos and the work you're doing. It's changing lives. Thank you so much.
Yes indeed, the knowledge Dr. Ramani shares is extremely valuable and life saving. All of us are grateful to her. And I would also like to congratulate you and give you credit where it is most certainly due. You are the one who took the initiative to be self-aware and recognize you were in a toxic situation and needed to do something about it, to seek out and find these videos, and then watch them and learn from them, to participate in the comment section, and to actually use the knowledge you learned, to take the action on your own behalf to go no contact, to save your own life, and to continue moving forward healing. You did all of these things. I don't know you and I don't know any details of your story, but I am very proud of you and I honor you for doing your part. Be well and continue being kind to yourself now and always through your healing process in life. 👏👍🤗
These videos have helped me tremendously too. For every narc, there is a Dr. Ramani who restores your trust in humanity.
" 'The benefit of the doubt' is the greatest enabling statement of all time."
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
OMG I just realized this! 😢🤦♀️
Yes I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I continued to give people the benefit of the doubt no matter how many times they gave me reason to doubt.
@@SmokieTheOne Glad you're here now! Keep growing and healing 😁🌱
I remember when I was 10 and my mother was beating the crap out of me and said to me "if you would cry, I wouldn't hit you" and I said " I wouldn't give you the satisfaction" and I didn't. No matter how bad she beat me, I REFUSED to cry. She was trying to break my spirit like she did to my 3 siblings. I was and still am the scapegoat, my son is abusing me by proxy. My life has been a nightmare.
I'm so sorry, my dear. You have to be you. I respect you for knowing yourself. I'm so so sorry this was your path. I am mostly estranged from my daughter, too, because of the other Ns in my family.
I'm estranged from both of my parents because they're so toxic! Hang in there. You're not alone!
I did the same thing with my dad. He was not the issue my mother was. I was about 12 and I told him lets get this over with. I was tired of it by then and ready to leave the house. Done.
Barbara, I went through the EXACT same thing!!! All the beatings (with hands, ping pong paddles, wooden spoons, hangers, dog leashes, hairbrushes, rolled up newspapers) never elicited a tear from me, but usually won a glare. When I was in college, I had a physical therapist working on a sprained ankle (sports injury) tell me I had an unusually high tolerance for pain - all thanks to my narcissistic mother's beatings. She was always telling me to get "that look" off my face, which now I know was the truthseer's gaze. I remember recognizing early on that the opinion of the neighbors was more important than anything, and I remember running outside and yelling "stop hitting me" so that the neighbors would come out and protect me. My mother lurked inside the house, hissing "get back in here," which I refused to do until she calmed down. As weird as it sounds, I realized that I had power because I'd figured it out and could use her fear of public opinion to protect myself. I'm sorry your life has been a nightmare - mine has been nothing but good since I was disowned by my mother at the age of 21 (hard at times, but good - now living in Australia after having lived several years in the UK, even though I was raised in the US - talk about getting distance!) - but I hope that things turn around for you.
Horrible
I previously commented about being a truth teller that wound up marrying a covert narcissist. I, too, am older now, and the comment about being raised to "give everybody the benefit of the doubt" hit me very hard. No surprise that it was the narcissist parent who pushed that principle so hard!
I think I'm one. I'm 38, and since childhood, preschool really, I could see the difference between toxic and healthy people in my family. My mother is, I believe, a covert narcissist, and, as a child, I always would label her as "weird", and would ask my grandma (an empath and codependent) all the time "what's wrong with mom? why is she angry at this?" it's all upside down with her" etc. The other thing I remember being told by family members is when I first got to see my grandma, and I couldn't speak yet, I didn't take my eyes off her, watched her every move, and I didn't do that with anyone until then. Now I think I know what it was - her eyes weren't empty, she wasn't "robotic" or angry or screaming continuously like my mother and people in my dad's home. Luckily for me, she ended up taking care of me since I was 6, but the difference I saw between her and other family members just became more and more apparent as I grew older.
Yes, I would also be willing to bet you are a truth teller/seer. There is just something so unmistakably genuine and authentic about what you said and how you said it. I don't even know you, but I imagine you are a delightful person. I imagine people find it easy to trust you, and maybe they even confide in you telling you things they may not easily share with others. I'm also willing to bet you are highly selective with who your friends are. Are any of my hunches correct? 😀
@Lifestyle What a relief I'm not the only one!😁
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you♥️ I simply can't pretend to be sb that I'm not, even if I tried😄 Do people find it easy to trust me? Maybe. I try not to engage with others' stuff for the most part, as it costs me emotionally a great deal. I'm very selective when it comes to friends, 100% true, deep conversations are one of the many requirements that must be met😁
I have a question how did u and your grandmother survive though this toxic situation? I'm not so sure if I'm a truth seeker or just a co dependent? I'm currently going no contact but I dont know how to actually live independently and or safely. The freedom and peace I've always wanted I finally have but I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't dealt with my on going depression.. but I'm curious to know how to live on.
@@ArcticFirepixy Congratulations on going no contact, that's so important!👍 I think you should take it slowly, one day at a time, and try to get to know yourself first. Don't put any pressure on the timeline of your recovery, don't compare yourself with others. There are many wonderful videos on how to start with this all, like Michele Lee Nieves RUclips channel. She went through hell first with her mom and then her ex-husband, and she knows what it takes to heal from it and have a healthy life.
When it comes to my grandma and I, we lived separately from my mom, she only visited like 2-3 times a year +phone calls, but still it made an impact on us both. My grandma sadly died without any therapy or proper diagnosis (I believe she suffered from CPTSD), very codependent and worrying about others, and not herself, till the end.
I found out about CN just a few years ago, started binge-watching RUclips videos on this and connecting the dots. I'm at minimal contact with my mother now, still get flashbacks from the past sometimes, still get triggered when I hear a young woman raising her voice, still scared to be in a serious relationship with sb, as I'm afraid this person will turn out to be like my mom. I'm just starting to live a bit "normal" life, but I have a long way to go.
I'm a truth teller. My WHOLE family is against me, they've been for a long as I can remember. And then...to keep me "in line" they ASSISTED my domestically abusive ex and his narcissistic mother went behind my back and got physical custody of my son when he was 3... he's 6 now. They won't let me see him or talk to him because they are TRYING to claim abandonment. They tell him I don't love him but I WILL NEVER stop fighting to be reunited with my munchkin. I was in deep, hopeless depression for 3 years... which made me homeless for two 😕 😪 😔 but I'm back on the right track of establishing my foundations. Even saying all this...my heart..💔😭😭
Lots of purpose in your motivation and family campaign.
Families can screen the child behind a further level of disconnect.
Knowing you are alive and he is alive is the first stage of unification.
On with the rest saddened lady 🙏joy and development rest beyond every turn.
omgg you're SO brave, Malka! More power to you, keep fighting, i see a hero in you. 💪💙
I read a post from my brother on Facebook. He was just putting it out there because I could tell he was hurting so badly about the way my narcissistic father treated him. he treated all of us badly , but he died when we were young so we got some relief. Then he went on to praise my mother because she was legally blind, widowed with 8 kids and he never told her how much he loved her. Never told her thank you and according to us, he was her favorite. The two younger girls complain she was ice cold and they talked about it freely but quietly.
My father was snake to us , but he taught us the value of faith in God Hebrews 11:1 and for that I love him. such a dichotomy. Sometimes it's best to just be careful of all the truth-telling because one day it can blow up in your face
Such crushing pain and betrayal. I hope you can rebuild your life and have your child back in your life.
What you are experiencing is parental alienation, and it is considered child abuse. Those in the helping professions don't see it, but things are slowly beginning to change. In some cases, charges were brought against the alienating parent, but these cases are few and far between. Dr.Amy Baker is an expert on PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) as well as Dr. Craig Childress and Dr. Richard Warshak. Please educate yourself about this and if you are able , find a lawyer who can help you fight this! Usually the alienating parent is a Cluster B type individual, and probably a narcissist. Good luck! We are on your side.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I showed my gf your truth-teller video, and she said, "this lady knows your life." More than anything, I appreciate not feeling alone in this, there is a term for this, and there are others who feel this way. As you already said, being a truth teller feels isolating. I had no idea how many others were out there.
Me.
This is the second video on this topic that I’ve watched from dr Ramani, I’m still sitting here in awe, with my eyes wide and face wet with tears. How can she know what I lived? My heart goes out to all of us. ❤️ Thank you dr Ramani.
Truth teller here…74 years old. I basically don’t engage with my remaining family. I don’t actually engage with people much at all. I have a few people in my life who are more than acquaintances but not really friends. I’m not lonely. I spent much of my life annoying and upsetting others with what I said and ended up withdrawing from social interaction. I don’t really like people and don’t trust myself around them. I know I’m the one with the problem of not suffering fools lightly so I don’t inflict myself on them. Sometimes I feel as though I’m missing out but at this stage, I’m too lazy and content to bother.
I was a truth seer. I tried to be a truth teller, but my family worked together to silence me. I've spent all my life unravelling the effects of being gaslighted and scapegoated. I'm still uncovering aspects of myself that were separated before I was even old enough to know how to protect myself from the cruelty.
❤🎉🙌🌠🌈
Thank you for telling us the term 'truth seer' because that just helped me realize that's what I became after trying to be a truth teller at the age of five.
We could be related! :-) My narc dad does not want me telling the truth to his family. The "unvarnished truth"as the saying goes. He expects me to ask his permission or tells others, behind my back, not to have anything to do with me. He is the liar, not me. He does not want others to know how badly he still treats me. I am 59 now.
The truth will come out someday, to his chagrin. I wish he would grow up and shut the hell up already! Instead of silencing me. He doesn't want me to say anything untrue about him. That won't happen. It is lonely!
@@websurfer5772 Sorry for the late reply. Yes, I know how that feels for sure. I saw, but even the expression it naturally evoked from me was a threat to them. I was "surveilled" for signs of an "implicit accusation" in my showing distress.
Thank you so much. 🌸🌿 I have a Masters in Clinical Psych and i can honestly say... Graduate school did not prepare one to understand Cluster B like life does.🥺
I was always a loner as a child. I was a quiet achiever but always had a sense of right and wrong. I was an overachiever but when I called my family out I became the scapegoat. It was a very hard lonely place to be. I had to grieve the family i thought i had. I am now feeling more peace as time goes on
You are not alone, though the solace can sometimes be difficult. The pain of being hurt just isn't worth it.
This is true. I am an orphan even though I have a living, breathing family...
Same. It’s okay tho, I’ve always been an orphan even while being forced to live among them. Better to be an orphan then to be like them. 🙏🏼❤️💪🏼❤️
Me too theharringtons.
I was the truth teller. My mother made me the scapegoat. I remember thinking and sometimes saying, "Mom, this is bullshit!" She hated me. She would tell me that I was reasonably pretty and I was pleasant until I opened my mouth. It was lonely, I grieved and it hurt but it led me to where I am now. Happy
I felt bad for being a truth seer-especially because my siblings didn’t understand why I distanced myself from my mom (a lot) and them (a little). I couldn’t pinpoint or verbalize that my mom is a narcissist; I just knew something was off. I couldn’t even verbalize what was off. And, I felt all that was my fault!! Can you imagine!
I didn’t feel safe at home and couldn’t trust my siblings as they would join my mother in mocking me. And then my mother wondered why we couldn’t get along.
Now all my siblings and I realize that our childhood was messed up by our mother (not sure if they recognize that she’s a narcissist). And we all ended up in horrible relationships as we subconsciously thought that was normal!
Thanks Dr. Ramani.
You make Us finally feel understood and seen , and taken care for.
Your help and insight is precious and so clever.
♥️♥️♥️♥️
Be proud of Yourself, each Day, for every Step of Healing, no matter how small, for allowing your self to be happy and Live how you deem fit and doing Things which make you happy..like cuddling with a Dawgie or Kitty or reading, sunshine, music, good food whatever it is for you.
I agree..I had just texted my daughter about all my life "why" questions have been answered in less than an hour!! Thank you Dr for the work you do..😇
I've said it before, I am too impulsive and too revolted by unfair situations to stay silent... when I was 5, at school, my entire class was making fun of a girl, spreading rumors about her having poor hygiene and making nasty puns with her name. I had just arrived in that class, everyone was older than me, I was told to get along with everyone and not cause a ruckus... but this was just completely unjust and unacceptable, I yelled at them all, telling them to stop being mean for no reason, and kept hanging out with the girl at recess to help deter/fend off bullies, and she was actually very sweet. That's one of the earliest examples, and you could think I'd grow out of it, but that's how I've always been and how I made most of my friends - and ennemies - at school and later in life. I was always in my father's face when he took it too far, got punished, spanked and yelled at, but kept doing it again - eventually using my golden child privilege to defend my scapegoat brother (maybe the fact that I somehow remained the golden child in spite of that, at least until mid-teenagerhood, is part of why I'm this stubbornly rebellious? Of course I also have ADHD, so, just naturally impulsive, but maybe I was further boldened by my luck). Little has changed since, grown up dynamics are very similar to recess playgrounds. I don't yell as much, but I still get in stupid amounts of trouble for simply pointing out unjustified attacks and unfair situations. I still just can't stand to witness or endure it silently. It breaks my heart every time I see something like that happen without anyone lifting a finger... especially when clearly, I'm not the only one to see (because yea, of course, I can see the pointlessness of going full Don-Quixote style, charging alone against giant windmill narcs, but seriously, when you ask around, more people realize something's wrong than they show, it's just that everyone is so resigned or afraid for themselves...).
Your story could be my own. I'll chastise myself again and again for not taking the 'smart' path, but I could never abide the stench of enabling toxic behaviour. I was always a little spitfire - facing off to my abusive father at a young age, arguing back or trying to desperately to explain toxic behaviour to my Mum, looking bullies in the eye and telling them that I know them. Insisting, NO, THIS IS WRONG.
My father used to tell me, again from a young age and often whilst physically abusing me, that 'One day, someone (usually a man, I'm trans non-binary and assigned female, and he has a misogynistic view of the world) wouldn't take my shit, and BANG (a fist on the stable, a wild look in his eye) , that would be it.'
He finally stopped after I told him enough times that I'd already faced all that time and again, looked it in the eye with more balls than he'd ever have, and that a real father would have been there to support me. That the fact that he wasn't grieved me deeply, but none the less I'd done it myself and I was DAMN WELL STILL HERE. That so often I never even had a choice to be silent. And if that was how I had to go, I'd face it just as I faced him.
And maybe I am a fool. I so often feel I am, or I've internalised his and others words enough. But I know how often someone's quietly come up to me after I've called someone out, and told me their story, what they've seen but not known how to face.
I don't yell as much now, either. And maybe we're fools. But maybe each time, we at least disrupt the enabling. We chip back at the normalisation of abuse and toxic behaviours in our cultures. Maybe we piss a hell of a lot of people off, maybe we make for ourselves a whole lot of trouble we could of avoided, but maybe when we speak up we help others rekindle a little bit of their fire too.
@@Ren95 Well you have my full support and solidarity! It's a real shame there is seldom two of us in the same room.
I hope we are all evolving from narcissism and being it’s victims into wildly accepting and compassionate people. Society as a whole
A subvariant the truth crusader? Yes we arent all blessed with the self preservation instinct to hold silence.
@@lasphynge8001 I did similar in my family- my horrible evil mother and wimpy father. And yes could never keep my mouth shut elsewhere- I had a fire of positive defiance.
Fought for older and younger than me in the family. It’s my siblings now who have ostracised me and my kids.
I had this memory that would often replay, when I was 3yo and was left alone at home. When my mum got back from her friends house I reprimanded her for doing that. Knowing I wasn't even allowed in the kitchen alone let alone a whole house for an extended amount of time too. The amount of pure hate in her eyes towards me. It was then I saw her for who she was and I can recall the very first moment I became the truth seer and scapegoat.
At 4 years old (I remember it vividly) I saw that both of my parents had no idea what they were doing. From that point on I didn’t believe their reality…I could always see through it. Ended up being the golden child but only because I was highly capable and highly adaptive. My only goal in childhood was get to college and escape the nightmare.
It’s taken many many years to heal the damage that was done but I’m happy to report that I’m truly free and no longer doubt my knowing. I can also see right through all the manipulation and control games that people play (this is recent) so it’s very easy to maneuver right past these types of people. ❤️
The fact that you have this channel and are willing to share what you know is so freaking cool of you on its own, but being willing to interact with your subscribers just kind of solidifies what a kind human being you are. It's just really nice to see. There's no doubt in my mind that by doing this you are helping more people than you could possibly ever know. Thank you.
I 2nd that motion. Dr. Ramani rocks!! 🙌
I'm so glad that being a truth teller during a zoom call was brought up. I had a similar experience to that story, years ago when I was placed into a group therapy session. The session seemed to be focused on people dealing with depression, and I could quickly see that most of the other patients we're battling inner demons, even to the point of finding it difficult to speak up. What was really troublesome to witness, was that there was one specific person who was louder and more vocal than everyone else, but oddly enough his issues were more dare I say shallow and just dealing with relationship problems with a partner that was quite obviously manipulating and used a lot of gaslighting. He felt like he belonged in a totally different group, though, as he would go on about personal unrelated events happening in his day-to-day life, that seemed kind of like typical break room talk, and then I would turn to look at some of the other guys who look like they were seconds away from breaking down crying or slitting their wrists. This was one of my early experiences in therapy, (my only group therapy experience) and it felt odd to me that I could better identify the people who we're desperate for help or even to just be needed to be allowed to speak and have a therapist actually pay attention to them.
Unfortunately though, the two nurses who were holding the session had all their attention solely on this one guy, and would react to his statements as if they were infatuated by his appearance and charm, while totally ignoring everyone else in the group. I thought about calling out the situation for what it was, but ultimately just took myself out of the group entirely after just 2 sessions. The atmosphere was practically screaming of individuals who gave off vibes of loneliness and we're almost intimidated to speak up, while the two ladies who are hosting the session devoted all their attention to one guy, to the point where they would not only sympathize with him, but would even laugh at some jokes and even seemed flirtatious at times. It was just disgusting and heartbreaking to be in a room, mostly with people who genuinely needed help and yearned to be seen and heard, just to be subjected to bearing witness to one of the least professional therapy experiences I've ever had in my life. Seeing people fall for the charm and enabling toxic behavior in families, or even work environments is definitely tough, but when it happens in a place of therapy, a place where you hope to go to feel safe, heard, and understood, is just damaging on another level entirely.
Yup! I have experienced that too. What the larger world is like unfortunately. I hope you are seeing the value in you more and more. We deserve the best. 🌹
It's horrible. 😢
"The benefit of the doubt is the greatest enabling statement of all time." - Dr. Ramani
I was the truth teller and scapegoat in my family. My malignant covert narc mother and malignant covert narc fraternal twin sister and narc younger sister made my life a living hell because of what I saw. I cut them out of my life years ago on the advice of my therapists when I went for in patient treatment for complex PTSD. I am still the truth teller in other situations and I have been scapegoated as a result. I do not actually tell the truth, but I instead recognize it and the narcissist will try to destroy me, scapegoat me, and do a full on smear campaign against me. This happened at my work. Thank you for this validating video Dr. Ramani.
I tore my mother apart as a child. I was the youngest of three. Older brothers grew up together. I came later. Ive tore everyone apart through out my life. I'd rather be alone than lied too. Been a heavy metal musician and artist my whole life. I'm 48.its always been integrity first for me. Single dads rock harder. Good luck good people. UK.
We must be living parallels. I've put the guitar down, I almost remember my first valve Krank amp, they'll never forget, (never turned the master close to 1.5 in a single cab), they'd scream at me even louder, that what annoyed the neighbours 😖
Child makes all world's come to life!
Actually I was baited 'to be honest' in fact.
Whenever I did devise a 'put them in their place informing attack', I kind of felt gutless, but saw their guilt or denial. Already life was a burden (for them), and don't want to hurt your primary provider. 🤟 🇦🇺🦘
@Ms. Buschhorn if Pops you're thing, then okay then Ms. Buschhorn.
Long live Florida !!! ✊
I would sure like to "tear up" my mother and certain relatives as you have said, I still fantasize about it from time to time. But I've already gone "no contact" with them, and my life has become stable. I'm 50.
I have no children but I have a very special respect for single dads. I feel okay with a child being raised by a single dad because I think the child will grow up well adjusted and stable and fare well in life with good mental health.
You did not tear your mother apart, she did that and blamed you. Cut the chain and release yourself from that bondage. I did not ruin my mother’s life either, her inability to accept the child she has instead of trying to re-form me into the child of her fantasy did that. Releasing myself and her from that tug-of-war through forgiveness saved me, she’s still wrestling, I have no power there.
@@dianasponsler3567 I separated myself from her in spirit from 13 until 30 something. Then when my dad died everything fell into place. Now I have sympathy but huge boundaries that are always heavily enforced with a cup of kick ass and a get used to it biscuit. I was always a coat she wouldn't wear now shes old. No fashion sense so Im cool with things. The knock on effects have been considerable now that I look back. Latest covert narcissist is the reason I'm onto these channels. It's all very interesting isnt it. Good luck with your side of the world. From UK.
When Dr Ramani has 1.51 million subscribers you can guess how many scapegoats and narcissistic families out there.
Being the truth teller and the scapegoat meant I can never have a relationship with my siblings away from my narcissit mother. She is always there to control the situation even as adults. Please do a topic on scapegoating the sick child or the one the narcissistic parent though had the least potential to serve them when they grow up. I was basically punished for being ill a lot. And than discarded.
I have had a similar experience to you.
I agree very much with the statement in the video that “the peace” is worth the loss.
It is impossible to be around certain people.
And having lost my siblings almost 100% after cutting cords with mom I am saddened by it. But there is no other way for me.
Hang in there!
I am reading “the body keeps the score” by Van Der Kolk at the moment. Perhaps you have heard of it. It is about healing from
Trauma.
Keep the faith! ❤️
I wonder which drove what, if you sufficiently extricate yourself from the sick system and find a healthy home, would you continue to be ill?
I was a sick child as well and have been blamed for every financial issue that has ever come up. I have APS an autoimmune disorder that ultimately lead to the amputation of my foot when I was 10yo and many bloodclots since. Leading up to the amputation I complained of symptoms for 5 months and was told I was faking by my mother, she even turned school personnel against me. Not until the pain grew so unbearable that at 10 years old I stormed away from my teacher and principal, who I had great respect for at the time, to find a medical professional or anyone that would help me. And was immediately life flighted to a children's hospital. I see now that this "faking" is because of her complete and entire lack of empathy. Did your mom ever tell you that you're faking or pretending?
@@dianasponsler3567 my illness is genetic but my health improved so much when I finally left the narcissistic system.
@@Wildewhitley no, you can't really fake a broken bone. It shows in xrays she did get really angry everytime I broke a bone because it was very inconvenient for her to go get a cast. Instead of getting me medication for my bones she told me to stop being clumsy and wasting her time
Honestly, I've been "paralyzed" as a truth teller; fear of getting hurt, knowing what a narc can do. History of abuse, shapes your emotions and mind. If I may, narcs are not afraid of crossing the line that you can't; that's what makes them dangerous. Do you hit back, and cause an all out war? Or, do you turn the cheek or walk away? And what happens if this is a family member, with problems that will never get resolved? Do you seriously need to become estranged to protect and respect yourself? And what about the pain of abandoning your family, for self?
this comment resonates with me very strongly... its a huge dilemma... hugs to u
Blood or not, toxic is toxic .
Someone in these comments used the analogy of being near a toxic person like being in a room with gas fumes. Get Out ! No matter blood or not. Toxicity causes stress. Stress can cause mental and physical issues.
Don't play their game. Please.
I had to make the same decision as the one commenter. After weighing the options, I decided the "lesser of two evils" was to break contact with my toxic family. It sucks to not have that family support structure, but the alternative was to be miserable for the rest of my life. Plus my family wasn't very supportive in the first place.
the greatest and most threatening truth I have spoken in my family has been my own truth about my own feelings, needs and experiences. talking about feelings was taboo, and 'pleasing the parent' was the unspoken rule, so just trying to break through these strict codes in order to have more honest and authentic conversations, left me isolated and alone. for my transgressive truth-speaking, I was treated as a threat, an unpredictable variable that needed to be controlled, contained, and silenced (by giving me the silent treatment).
This really clarifies for me what I've experienced. It explains why I feel a deep sense of loss and loneliness, but yes it encourages me to reach out to other hurting, lonely people and be a safe place.
I just Love you so much Dr. Ramani 💜
You set us free with the truth.
I have autism. When I learned about the phrase “the elephant in the room”, I realized that’s why my narcissistic ex couldn’t stand me. I point out the truth everyone else is trying to pretend doesn’t exist.
Sounds to me like being labeled "autistic" just means we are the few NORMAL HUMANS among a bunch of phony, spineless "replicas"...
Yes, being a truth teller is lonely and quiet and full of grief but very peaceful too. I grieve for the mother I never had and I grieve the sad child I was who was never loved, but I'm at peace and I wouldn't change myself in any way.
I was a 'truth-see-er' and suffered for it - though I never spoke it out loud it was recognized - and as a child I suffered horribly for it - thank you for your work Dr. Ramani - it has been of great benefit to me - a broken person will never fully heal - but we get as close as we can.
We see it in Church too! I now find myself sensing when someone isn’t who they appear to be! People frighten me because I have made the mistake of believing someone is nice so very many times only to later recognise the narcissistic traits in them I’ve had to deal with through my childhood and adult life! 🙏🙏🙏
It helps me to understand that the others are just playing out their script. I can kind of sit back and watch the dynamics without being a part of it. That works best when I limit my availability to toxic connections. It is easier to hold the stability in your own mind while others create chaos when you can feel grounded in your own being. Easier said than done, but Can be a wonderful state of being to practice.
Critical outsider 💪🏻
Move like water around the obstacles…
Hard to watch people being such idiots though.
There is a difference between solitude and isolation. I would rather live peacefully in solitude than be damned in isolation. Also, there is a way to create your own family. It is a leap and it sucks to be alone for awhile, but learning about yourself and setting new standards and having friends and family who value you for who you truly are is so worth it!
My parents divorced when I was 8. I know I remember my dad having an affair with my best friends mother. I could tell that was happening. Even at such a young age. My mum went on to get married to a man that abused us. I tried telling people, then gave up. Even though he was abusing my mother too. My mother is a complete narcissist. Each time I talk to her about the abuse, she says “he hurt me too. He raped me too.” I’ve tried talking to her so many times, as I have with my father. I’ve given up now. The amount of gaslighting that comes, especially from my mother, is unbelievable. I feel defeated. Thank you for this video and others, so I can establish the fact that I am not the one in the wrong as to how I’m feeling. Keep up the good work!
I now the truth, when I told the truth, I was beaten up. So I learned to not say anything. Beaten up, not just physically. Continues in adulthood. I became a liar, just to stop them. Or to not be able to share my true thoughts, and it'd be ok.
Live alone now. Wouldn't have it any other way!!!
“Live and let live” can be a close second in most enabling.
And don't forget "forgive and forget!" That's another big favorite.
I am an artist and reformed people pleaser. My good heartedness, my talent, my accomplishments were all ignored, used, played down, even shamed. I have been fighting (sadly) for acknowledgement ever since but have run into jealous, abusive, malevolent narcs in my workplace and art circles. It is shocking as I look back on 61 years of this. I feel like I have died and risen. I finally have freed myself -- huge thanks to you Dr. Ramani for your good work. Your videos have given me the information and validation I needed to save myself from the all-consuming evil.
❤❤❤
Hey Dr. Ramani, I was a student in your abnormal psychology class a few years back. I am really happy that I found you on youtube and get to learn even more from you!
I'm a truth seeker, I'm a truth teller.
I remember telling my grandma that I don't want to be around people who lie and don't accept the truth.
She said well you'll have no one than.
I said: I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by lies.
I live a simple life will little contact to most of my family and small amount with few friends. There is a peace that comes with that but at times some loneliness.
However I was more lonely around my family and people who didn't live in a place of truth. That's the most lonelinest place of all.
Thank you for these videos, where the truth tellers can hang. Xx
I have a son who fits the description perfectly. He now lives with me. It so sad that he is now "ostracized " from the surface family that believes they are a "family" when in reality they are in a cult-like environment with a narcissist running the show. Is there videos I and/or he to watch to help him through this lonely part of his journey. He is a young teenager.
I would recommend browsing the titles of all the videos on this channel, and see if any of them stand out. The truth is, nearly all of the videos will have at least "some" relevance. And if you find certain topics that are especially helpful, you can search for those topics on other channels. I hope this helps, and good luck for you and your teenage son. He is very lucky to have you.
Heidi P, I certainly feel for your situation. Might be best to suggest a recommended therapist your son could talk to because anything that you’d suggest could and would be used against you? There are good ones out there. My ex spouse and I went to a woman that nailed the dysfunctional behavior in a nanosecond. Left me head spinning. Hallelujah. Good luck 💐
"narcissist running the show" is my husbands sister. They all know she is psychopatic, but for the sake of her mother they allow her to do whatever she wants (manipulating, bad mouthing, lying). I have also narcissistic sister. The only difference is, she is trying but not running the show. It didn't work with my parents. Long of strenght for the boy. i think the best way is let him know what the situation is and that there is nothing wrong with him but with them. When I was teenager I didn't know what the abuse from my sister really was. I blamed myself and I thought I was weird. This knowledge is priceless. It will save him.
I am the truth teller and scapegoat. I have felt a tremendous relief knowing it was never me. Why did I take on the role like it was my job? I felt pride knowing the only thing that stood between my sibling and my Dad was me. I feel so robbed and kinda stupid for playing into it so easy. The key was moving far away from them. I am finding peace. I was good all along!!!!!
I, without knowing the term, was a “truth teller”. Their response lead to a no contact decision to save myself and the progress I made through therapy. I agree with the “peace/pain” comment. Would I do the “truth telling” again? Even though it cost me the loss of family, I needed to stay true to myself, to heal. There has been some reconnection (after nearly 30 years) and these siblings respect my truth. The two who refuse to recognize me and my truth, know of this reconnection. I struggled with making the first step and decided, for me, I would respect their silence-not chasing them...also to protect my truth.
This was another video, helping me to pick up loose pieces and get some resolution through understanding.
And I thank you!
For me, telling the truth was how I stayed sane as a child, or if I couldn't say it out loud, I would vow to remember it and never forget. Now at age 50 I have almost no tolerance for anyone who treats lies as a convenience. My friends are few but they are real and have lasted for decades.
I'll agree with you, Dr Ramani has amazing variety with content.
'Truth' is a power but it can take time to absolve deception.
The returns on it are 'respect' and only one person is fully entitled to carry that through their whole life with civility.
Kids need an education while parents must know better 🙏 while truth....is in the telling.
...and common good is all to see, share and endeavour. What efforts, waste and suffering. We are spoilt by life's gifts.
Gotta 💙 ur Mother 🙂
For years I heard my older sibling tell me I was too honest and I put up with the crap years. My voice was never really heard and I became marginalised. The Truth Seer is the perfect statement for the scapegoated child and that sense of grief and loneliness is still with me in my 50s.
I think I was the truth teller until I was 26-28, then I realized speaking up caused family mobbing and I had to stop talking. Afterwards, when my family began to realize I didn't speak up about those things anymore, they began bringing up those subjects whenever I was in the room(not to me, but to people sitting next to me). I sensed they were trying to bait me, so I pretended not to listen, kept silent or pretended to be interested in something else. After THAT they began telling me things like "I know what your REAL opinion is" or "I know deep down you don't believe that", followed immediately by the flavor of the week insults. As time went by I started using the phrase "It's been years since I've ever said anything about that...", it seemed to placate them for a while, but they became louder and more toxic as the years passed.
Damn. Turning 27 and this was insightful. I'm finally learning to distance myself.
Your example shows that the truths you were telling are not the problem. What they are trying to goat out of you are the contradicting opinions to theirs, right or wrong. That opens the door for them to generate a conflict that creates the narcissistic fuel the Dr always references. Your natural instincts are to defend your truths, but logic and truth never seems to work on them like it does with rational people. That feeling is what drives you crazy, until you realize the truths in the topic of conversation were never their goal. The goal was the conflict, the fuel and the feeling they get being a narcissist.
The good news is once you learn to see them you can spot it coming a mile away.
I grew up in a violent narcissistic family. Kept my mouth shut. And was sent to a child psychologist that threw his hands up because I never opened up because my father would have best me senseless. He was very adept at switching masks. He could beat the crap out of me one minute and go all “ I m so sorry” and hug me and explain why ‘I’ needed to change. I hand the choice of like an 8 yr old in the grip of a 265 lb man.
I don’t like people or crowds and am estranged from my family, as they picked up on this and learned early on to use it yo their advantage. I I don’t envy anyone this position. It affects every aspect of your life.
So that means all my 44 years i’ve been a truth see-er since a small child & went on to become a truth teller. It’s more intense now because now I can’t tolerate un-truth, that it’s often gotten me into arguments, debates, and troubles.
Thank you for your eye/mind/heart/soul-opening videos🙏
Interesting you mention "truth seers", I guess that has always been me, seeing the dynamics in my family, people's contradictions, denied emotions and secondary emotions, and all sorts of patterns (either negative or positive), but I've always been lonely because I could talk to and understand everyone but very few people understood _me_ , and even among the ones who did, it was mostly superficial or enmeshed ("I'm _sorta_ like you, 'therefore', I understand everything about you already" kind of attitude that really sucks).
I love the comment about feeling the grief of lose and missing out. I declined to go to my grandmother’s 80th celebration because I knew it would rob me of my peace. The other part I’ve come to realize is that I am grieving imagined relationships and interaction that are not a true reflection of the experience if I had chosen to participate. I have my peace that’s the tangible thing I can hold on to.
Dr. Ramani,
I can't stop thinking about what you said about being a truth hearer! You COMPLETELY and VERY ACCURATELY DESCRIBED my whole life! Almost all members of my family were narcissists, and in the middle of it all was me, the lone truth teller and SCAPE GOAT! It made me so sad that being honest only gave me anger and in return, punishment and rejection. As a child I was very confused. Why did doing the RIGHT thing bring such anger from my family and not pride and happiness toward me?My mom would "tattle" to my father about something I said during the day and when he got home from work, he was in a rage! They never explained why he was angry or why whatever I had said was so bad!
As an adult looking back, I see that I was a whistleblower, and in their self righteous minds, HOW DARE I ACCUSE THEM OF NOT BEING PERFECT!!
I thank God they didn't wind up killing me. Their anger was there most of the time and after I was FINALLY ABLE TO MOVE OUT, they couldn't understand why I didn't want to visit them!!! 😳
The abuse has finally stopped because my father passed away and my mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am.
The rest of my family ignore me most of the time and when I do see them, their "happiness" to see me seems very shallow and phoney.
I live alone now and don't persue friendships too much. It's better but lonely-
Thank you again Dr. Ramani!!!! You've given me the missing pieces to the puzzle!💐
This has had meaning for so many. How great in this confining time that we can have access like this to the best of the best therapist.
Repeating my request for how to deal with narcissistic doctors & what signals to look for with a new one. Their egos truly get in the way of working on improved health.
Wow- lightbulb! 💡 Narcissistic doctors! That's a tricky one!!
It's beautiful the way you show gratitude for Dr Ramani in this comment. Can I suggest that look for a doctor in the same way? If you need a drug, or a surgery or something else only allopathic medicine can offer, play the game with the narc doc. Seek kinder alternative health practitioners who really care about health to take your health to the next level. You can also find these on RUclips. Good luck🕊
Medical doctors can be terrible gaslighters, in my experience. I’ve had fibromyalgia since I was young, but they all treated me like a crazy lying hypochondriac for over thirty years. Then you come home to more of the same. I’ll be perfectly happy now with a cave and a dog.
@@dapsolita Believe me with my long history with rare diagnoses, I have done all that repeatedly. I do appreciate your kind suggestions, however.
@@peggycearnach8034 That's been my experience too, Peggy. I'm an adult and I can live with the behavior itself, but when they make a judgment that they are not going to believe anything say from the moment they see your diagnoses, then that has a profound effect on getting any treatment. People say "just find another doctor," but after months of research and referral i finally selected a new one - same story. Finances are limited so functional medicine doctors are off the list right now but I am NOT giving up! Hope you have many good days in your future. E
I have some good close friends that get me. I've always placed more importance on friendships over family. Friends tick all the boxes for me. They have experienced much of the same of what I have. I remember when I first got lonely I prayed that some good friends would come into my life and they did. They were just what I needed at the time.
Wow, spot on, looking back , in my life , I knew there was a difference in my family compared to others. And even within my own family, my aunt was always the light!!! Today as I look at my dad, I no longer see him as my father, but as my grandfather's son, the disconnect was painful and deep......
I totally get you. I had to rid my father as well. It's funny you mention that as I was trying to get more information on how my father's father was. Since I bugged my father off my life I'm so much happier and content now. He's going berserk when I hang up the phone when I'm calling my mother but he's the one answering in her place and I simply hang up without even saying a word. 🙌🏻👍🏻
I too realized at an early age that my family was different from others. At first I thought I was just comparing TV show families with mine which was why mine was different, but then I started realizing that elementary school was a place where the rules stayed the same and applied to everyone and if broken the punishment fit the crime and was forgiven. Not the case at home.
When I watched your videos I felt so relieved because after decades I felt understood and heard. I have always been a truth teller and nobody likes truth tellers and consequently they get alienated.
I was raised by a Antisocial father and an enabling mother, also an Antisocial sister. At the age of 45, I am now understanding it all as I am becoming "the sole" truth teller in a family that runs deep!!! With psychopaths and avoidance filled with insane secrecy. If I had nit found Dr. Ramani and medcircle!!!! I am not too sure,,,
Thank you and thank you and thank you
"You were robbed of part of the human experience". That hit the nail on the head for me. I very much was the scapegoat in my husband's family. I was once actually apologized to and told "I'm really sorry. We used you as our scapegoat. We would make you mad and hope you would say somethingso we wouldn'thave too". I have a few family members in my own family that do the same. I'm veiwed as the lesser of the group to some. It's a very hard thing to live with and it hurts to be ostracized for telling the unpopular truth. I have officially pulled away from most of my husband's family and a couple in my own just to have some peace. I can no longer tolerate it. It's hard for my husband also, but he does see what's really going on and he understands.
You're awesome for considering our comments. I like this forum...we learn from each other. The experiences we walk thru are not in vain. We share so that others don't have to go thru such difficult lessons that we chose to do. Thanks so much Dr R. You are a wise woman!
So glad to see this particular Video uploaded. I was raised in a Narc home, married into Narcissism, and have had so many Narc bosses. Narcissism is a terrible thing to have to deal and work with, and it is rampant in many societies and cultures today. Ive always been the TruthTeller or -Seer, and when you begin to see how bad Narcissism IS in the world generally speaking, that is indeed very lonely. However Ill say again that Im glad to have seen so much Narcissism in my life. It's taught me to beware of it, and it's shown me who I do NOT want to be. In an odd way, Ive learned a lot from the Narc's in my life. Peace out everyone
It was so helpful to hear that video. I’m often gaslighted or scapegoated. Many times in my past I triggered people on purpose. In my older years now, I just want peace. It still surprises me how people twist and manipulate things just to try and gaslight me. I just don’t give them any energy. It is hard because often it’s a lonely path.
I've exposed truths within my family in my 20s, iam scapegoat as well.
Scapegoat extended to some cousins as well.A way not to lookat their divorces.
Iam in50s now. It is lonely place.
With therapy n Dr. Ramini ,and other professionals I know I truely never deserve t mind n emotion games my Mother, sisters, cousins did tome.
With the role my mother then sister put me into, I never had a chance.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani❤
Dr. Ramani another great video, including highlighting the comments. It also funny enough feel very validating to have the comment community recognized when recovering from narcissistic abuse also by participating in the discussions in the comment your videos. More videos about the truth seers/truth tellers would be great, including why certain children develop this ability and how that can help them as adults compared to adult children who copy the narcissistic behavior of narcissistic parents would be really great. Thanks
This woman is a genius.
The loneliness is always there because there is never any real authentic connection in the narcissistic relationship anyway. I tried to ignore that truth for years. It’s better to see the loneliness as space for authentic connections with others.
I was the Truth Teller in my family, too. It can be so lonely but this is the first time I understood how important we are.
The first video lit up so many light bulbs for me and I finally felt the total definition of my life. I am LMFT now because of my upbringing. And I continue to be the truth teller in my family and now extended family. I have committed my life to supporting other truth tellers and leading others in seeing the truth. I have found my peace and strength in this although my grief comes in waves about my childhood and family, some estranged, its continuous growth for me.
I remember always telling my parents that I was the scapegoat. I called it out early. There was always something my fault, my father was allowed to yell at me because he claimed I struggled to listen. One time my mom replied "DON'T THINK OF YOURSELF SO IMPORTANT!!", when I confronted her. NC with mom for 1 year, biggest blessing of my life. Never going back.
On another topic, since I have been learning from these videos, I find that so many movies are almost unwatchable or unenjoyable. There is such a prevalence of narc relationships and more worrisome is a theme that the most awful behaviors can be cured or changed
I wasn’t a truth teller or see-er as a child but once I got it as a young adult, I couldn’t Unsee. Even when I see, I give much grace to people, at least until they cross my boundary.
I just found the notebooks I had written as a teen about my living situations at home with my parents! Very interesting read!!! I was definitely a truth teller then and indeed a scapegoat! I was the only one that had the courage to say the what I saw and heard was wrong! My mother had the life of a codependent which gave her anxiety and depression. My father was very much a overt narcissist!!!! He was the first bully me and my 2 sisters experienced first hand. He also had a sexual perversion and molested us. I wrote my experiences and the feelings they gave me. I always retreated to the solitude of my room or sat outside in the yard at night after everyone had gone to bed. I ended up moving out way before I was ready at the age of 19. I was told that once I move out I wasn't welcome back. My father hated me for my truth telling and my codependent mother would beg me to be quiet so I didn't get dear old dad mad! Utter emotional chaos and turmoil when you're a teenager dealing with teenage angst to begin with. My parents ending up divorcing after 25 years of marriage. I swore I would never tolerate a relationship like that. But here I am, after 33 years of marriage, and lots of effort to "fix" our relationship, facing divorce myself. My husband is also a narcissist but a more vulnerable narcissist. He too, is controlling, emotionally immature and abusive. Through years of counseling and medication to treat my anxiety and depression, I have learned it's time to move on and find my peace I have longed for. Thank you for your teachings and the followers comments who have helped give me the courage to see that I deserve so much more!
Peace Beverly
As a clinical psych student, I must say I love this channel and have shown it to my family during the time period where my mother mentally deteriorated after a stroke. It has helped a lot. PLEASE do an episode series on here called “Ramani Reacts” where you react to certain things. -Julian😊