My enabling father actually said to me: " I know what they were doing to you. I knew it for a loooong, loooong time. But I couldn't do anything about it because I have to watch out for myself." What Coward!
Same here, my enabeling father admitted to knowing some stuff a few years ago, that I didnt know he knew. And then I talked to him today, and he took it back!!! Nope, no memeory of that, never said that. I KNOW he did becasue it was one of the biggest shocks in my life, I wrote it down, I know it for sure. But he denies it, nope, mustve been a misunderstanding, BUT then he dropped a new story today, of something lese he had known, that he never said before!? Wtf. All while being soooo "nice and kind and on my side", but also downplaying all the abuse. Jesus christ this is so confusing.
@@audhumbla6927 No need to be confused. He was gaslighting you. You know what he said. Hell! HE knows what he admitted to you. It's all a mental game. Rise above it and know your truth.
Ok, this explains why my enabler dad has stopped talking to me since he asked me to apologise to my narc mother after SHE abused ME, and I refused. I’m 40, he’s 74.
Exactly! Life was a dull confusing mystery and then Bam, spell broken, shocking revelations, then life really got painful for a while, No contact. LIfe is easier without a sneaky rat aboard ship. Glad for the community, sorry its so huge.
Seriously. I cant eat properly for days after even thinking too much about them!!!!! Just even letting them in a tiny bit in my mind, thinking "maybe I could trust them a bit", makes me full of shame for days, unable to eat etc etc
Me as well. Emasculated father. It’s so hard to have a dad like that. Can’t trust them with private information. They go running straight back to the narc to tell them exactly what you said. The trust is gone & the relationship is ruined.
Laura TheExplorer I am sorry you had (/have) to go through that. Thank you for speaking out so clearly. In recognizing your hurt i got in touch with my own. Take care, J
My mom is the enabler. She always said she loved me, almost every day, but whenever my siblings and dad ganged up on me and said what a loser I was and how nobody liked me, my mom would be silent because she was afraid of making them upset. When my sister said I can't enter the house the same time as her, because I am a Christian straight white male (she said people like me are disgusting merely for my beliefs), my mom said I wasn't allowed to enter. When my dad said I was a bad person one time, I heard him 100% clearly, my mom and dad lied and said he never said that, and she would join in on his lies every time. When my brother called me and threatened my family when his girlfriend doxxed him, my mom stayed silent and at first believed him. When my brother in law said I was not a real Christian and that my software development job was useless my mom stayed silent. When my dad yelled at me for using the bathroom in their house, my mom was silent. When my dad screamed at me for eating food in their house after I came back from China at 22 years old, my mom stayed silent. When I told my mom not to share my new address with my siblings after threatening phone calls and stalking, she gave them my new address. The enablers are quite evil themselves.
"Yep. Enablers are ABUSERS too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying, 'My life would be so much better if you could SHUT UP and just stop complaining.'"-Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' post
Great video. The enabler also resents the scapegoat because the rage they feel towards the narc is redirected to the scapegoat, thinking "If only the scapegoat would comply peace would descend on the household" or "You're making my life hell." They protect themselves at all costs: even, as I've witnessed more than once, if it leads to the near death of a child. They put themselves first which does show narcissistic traits, as well as their empathy deficit within the household. My enabler was such a sweet, kind, gentle, really hilarious person otherwise, so my brain is like scrambled egg. Thanks for your video.
You nailed it! I lived with a narcissist mom and enabler Dad, I was the scapegoat, the buffer always getting put and pulled in between them. The golden children didn't ever get that! My mom put a gun in my face, threatened me many times, tried to break up relationships in which it wasn't safe for me, tried to make me homeless many times, and even after all of that! My dad literally had the stupidity to ask, "So what is your problem with your mother?" Then tried to gaslight me because I got mad about it even though he always agreed with me about her in the past and said I know how to stand up to mom better than anyone.. I'm over their bs.
Yep. Our mother was a full-blown, envious, oppositional, malevolent, scheming narcissist; and Dad went along with it, likely for his own protection. I was in my 30s before I started directly confronting Dad. I told him, "I can't tell if you're the world's greatest saint, or the world's biggest wimp because, if I were you, I'd write her a check for a million bucks to go away, or I'd stick her in a hole somewhere and forget about her." At that point, he started opening up. In a roundabout way, he explained that he couldn't stand the thought of leaving us kids with her, and wouldn't afford the child support he'd be paying for six kids. At that point, I felt sorry for him, but he should have done more to stand up to our mother and represent us.
Sounds at least like he was just couldn't see a way out (leaving kids/affording child support) rather than being a weaker narcissist himself taking some pleasure in it.
"Yep. Enablers are ABUSERS too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying, 'My life would be so much better if you could SHUT UP and just stop complaining.'"-Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' post
This is my mother. She’s so sick and abusive. My dad was the Narc. I distanced myself from him decades ago. I’m only now realizing she has been manipulating and sabotaging me the entire time. I was the scapegoat. This is exactly what I’ve been living with. This is truly amazing to hear. My life makes sense for the first time
Same here goin threw this right now ... even doe i have ptsd from narcissitic abuse .. she tries to gaslight me .. shes a witnessed my father treating me like shiit and blaming me for his words and actions . While i was down .. and when asked questions she doesent remember or trys to change subject .. i just dont understand how can my family abuse me. While i just came out' of an abusive relatiinship .. its unreall ..
Servant is the right word. There are many enablers/servants in my family. I come from a large family with many deluded siblings, a couple of them personality disordered, many of them have addictions. We only look good in photos, which they live for…but the joke is, who is looking at those pictures but themselves? There’s only one active social media user in my family and no one in his so-called friends list ever acknowledge him. It’s hilarious at this point of my journey.
I am tired of trying to tell truth to my enabler mother. Actually she knows everything but won't acknowledge anything because she is herself a narcissist but not stronger than her narcissistic husband.
My mother is enabler and I found that I am more angry towards my mother than father. Its always this lingering question....why (didnt) dont you protect me? No matter the false allegations towards me, teh level of manipulation was unbelieveable, but it was always somehow my fault. Thank you Jesus for helping me to overcome.
same here, omg i am not alone at all, we have the same issue, can we chat more? ma dad is a narc and my mother is narc enabler and almost narcissistic as well, they always give me the vibe of making me feel inferior to them, and sometimes will use my father by putting him on a pedestal to make me admire him and me feeling lower, and the other thing is i have one sister right? my mother my father's parents and and my aunt all protect her from my dad's violent rage, my mom left my father when i was around 15 and then took my sister and left me with my dad, wtf, my mother took care of my sister and make her go to good schools and high lifestyle this and that, while i was in poverty. thing is i really dont blame my family that much because i know my dad and along with other girls are materialistic and superficial gold diggers, shallow. its quite hard to understand.
but i also wonder if my that is narcissist seperate their victims from their loved ones, you know what i mean? by making me blame my other family for not taking care of me, what do you think?
4:00 "The enabler is way more difficult to deal with after you have gone NO CONTACT with your family." My younger brother who I no longer speak to any longer, became a head smear campaigner after I was done with the former head, my so-called older sister, hacking my phone and internet accounts. This is a blessing in disguise because once someone shows that side, you know you never have to deal with someone like that again
Makes me think of a quote in the film Spotlight. Stanley Tucci plays a lawyer who remarks: "They say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it also takes a village to rape a child." Speaking about the selective blindness and the silence of so many people that ENABLED systemic abuse of the most vulnerable within the r-c church… And even allowed it to continue for decades. This world will benefit from many more adult adults. Take care, Joost
That is a very stressful and sad situation for a child to grow up in, being on the receiving end of a narcissist parent and the other parent being ignorant of their plight. It shows that the enabler of the narcissist has either been brainwashed to some extent themselves or is just too weak to support the child who is the victim. The enabler may not have enough empathy to offer support or help either which could make them a lower level narcissist than the main one who is always the instigator of trouble.
They just jump on board and use the situation created by the narc for their own personal reasons. I don't believe they do it on purpose even..its more of a weakness in ourselves letting the evil in. Like flowing water.
@@nicholasdeangelis9143 Yes the daily battle with evil is no picnic. Good to see we can still access BBA's videos, I hope he is doing well and same for you.🕊
My narc mother lied to enabler father daily about me. Either I wasn’t doing my chores wasn’t handling personal hygiene, wasn’t doing my schoolwork…anything she could think of. He, believed EVERYTHING and would be screaming to me “are you calling your mother a liar?!?!” Yes I was, but didn’t dare challenge him or he’d physically abuse me 💔😭. It was bad…..really bad. There was no one for me and I did suffer. Decades later he, sees the error of his parenting ways. I told him so many stories about my childhood- stuff he had no clue about. We slowly have mended our relationship and he has such remorse and guilt. But- I’m here and God is good!!! He, mended my shattered ❤ and I can go on and thrive. I went no contact with mothers age 21-I’m 64. Best decision I made. It’s taken those 40+ years to get to my authentic self. I’m almost there. Hang in there all you who are healing….there is hope.
@@sharonjones7138 Hi, I am glad you had the strength to go no contact at a young age as narcissist's get worse as they age, I'm sorry you were subjected to all that gaslighting and punishment you endured. Narcissists are experts in brainwashing people and your father on some level was a victim of your mother's trickery as well. So sad for all Survivor's of narcissistic abuse. Keep well. 🕊🌻
Thank you for speaking out about this. 🎉🎉🎉. This is a very interesting point that I myself pondered on some time ago. It's so discreet but you will find that you could be guided in the wrong direction in life on purposes to sabotage your future. I started to awaken when the enabler loved helping me out of bad situations I should not even of been in but was not keen to uplift me or support me when I was achieving success.
I feel this. I thought my enabler dad was finally respecting my boundaries regarding me going no contact with my mom and that maybe, just MAYBE, we could have a healthy relationship. But he proved me wrong on Christmas day when he told me "mom and I wish you a merry Christmas" and proceeded to flip when I replied "merry Christmas dad" because I didn't include my mom and go on a big rant about how they don't know what they did and I'm bad for not telling mom happy birthday and merry Christmas. My theory is that my mom's behavior ruined Christmas and he's trying to blame me.
He was physically abusive to me and my siblings. I was terrified of him at about age 8-9 after he beat me for disobedience. I get what I’d done, but his punishment was WAYYYYY overboard. So, I did everything to escape his punishments. I think narc mother knew this and told him stuff to piss him off so he’d scream and whip me. He also was one who held a grudge for days…being in the house with him, one needed to tip toe thru the tulips. He beat me once with his fists as my mother stood aside and watched. She did scream to him “she’s a girl, she’s a girl!!”, so he stopped hitting me. TERRIFIED!!! I avoided him at all cost 💔💔😢😢.
Just reading this after I replied to your other comment.This is another thing, the narcissist's punishment never fits the crime. It shows that your father has some narcissistic traits to beat you like that and the silent treatment is a tool that the more Covert type of narcissist uses to punish their victim's. They say not to look at the narcissist's words so much but to look at their actions, I understand that but those words of theirs they can cut you to the heart. Enjoy the rest of your day.🙂
This is one of the best videos! I thought my dad was the narcissist. But he is an enforcer and enabler of my mom's narcissism. He is super dangerous as he tries to sabotage any success or growth in my life. I would like to add that if the narcissist is "covert" the abuse from the enabler is x10 fold in order to make the covert narcissist look like a saint. My mom would never discipline me, she would just tell my dad and he would beat me down literally or verbally assault-threaten me.
matched pair of bookends, thick as thieves, pilot and copilot, frik and frak, two of a kind, birds of a feather, bumper to bumper cradle to grave. they're of simply the same kind and caliber with opposing tandem roles. these lone wolves cant lone wolf whatsoever, you cannot have the one without the other. alone, they're a prop-jet without a prop.
bro , we miss you man , i thought something bad happened to you king, hope you're well,big fan here from Sudan , shout out to all of you strong people in here, im a scapegoat btw, but im strong as ever,and it drives them crazy, please stay strong , i got much love for each one of you ,stay up
Yes, BBA, we missed you so much. I had downloaded some BBA videos. and need to download more in case we lose this incredible platform. BBA is a soldier and a knight!!
This is true, I get more direct antagonism from my enabler stepfather than my covert narc mother, it is more in the form of passive aggression from the main narc. This is how the main narc wants it to be, so they never appear as the unstable aggressor in front of others, they preserve their pristine social front at all costs. But it is the main narc that creates this attitude towards the scapegoat from the enabler by all manner of covert tactics. And as you say, the enabler may harbour resentment towards the scapegoat because they feel Envy for the fortitude of the scapegoat that they do not possess.
This video was soooooo great 🙏 @6.00 was perfectly true 👏👏 The enabler is more dangerous,twisted,plays both sides of the game. In this case it is Mother: the enabler Brother: the narcissistic Sister: the scapegoat It's really dangerous enabler. With narc you get what you see, but the enabler is always playing the chess game like you said into serving the narcissist. Thank you soooooooo much for this video 🙏🙏 I will be listening to it again and again because it hit the nail for me.
You are SO RIGHT! Wow, one of the best descriptions of this situation I have EVER heard (and I have gone through hundreds of them now). RESPECT! New subscriber for sure
Im in the middle of getting out of this toxic cylce woth my Narc mom and enabler father and I had my mom completly figured out and in the middle of putting all the pièces together about my dad and this just open the door to what I was trying to piece together and just understand wtf is going on! Thank you for sharing 🙏🏽
This describes my aunt and uncle. Both are narcissists, but she was the more predatory one, and I was the scapegoat niece who "broke up the marriage" even though I was a full generation younger and lived with them sporadically. If he hadn't done her bidding, she would have turned her full fury on him. I got the feeling that she never, ever would have let go of him, but tormented him for the rest of his life. These people are impossible to divorce. They just won't go away.
"Servant" was the perfect word to use indeed about those so-called people. (Those idiots think that they're finding strength in numbers when they're really just diluting any goodness they might have by magnifying their toxicity with other fellow toxic types)
My brother is the Enabler (son husband) I've slowly lost respect for him over the years. 🤮 Unfortunately he is completely void of empathy and has attacked me vicuously through the Narcissists brainwashing! He seems more Psychopathic tbh and extremely dangerous!!
my dad was ONLY 21 years old when he married my narc mother. .. he loved us children the best he could....i have a 26 year old immature son and if he married at 21, he wouldnt know better either
I come here a few times a year, you are so spot on its just so healing to hear it described by another. How they wouldnt enable the abuse, if they didnt agree with it........ dang. And them being weaker doesnt make them better, or a victim, at all. Thank you and God Bless ❤❤❤
The thing is, this same thing can happen when a sibling is a narcissist. Once our narcissistic dad left us, my sister took the place of the one who my mom enabled. And if I ever questioned/criticized my sister's actions, my mom could get really hostile towards me if her usual "just humor her" thing didn't shut me up. I recently went No Contact with my sister and I could feel the resentment between the words she said to me.
There was one time and one time only that my enabling father stopped me in my tracks, it was after I threw my hands up and started to walk away. I heard him say, "don't you know your mother is insecure?" He never said anything about her in that way, it was always praise. I thought to say to that remark of his, "We are all somewhat insecure in some ways, that doesn't constitute being abusive, demeaning others, mind games, etc... but that didn't matter, he still honored her, and catering to her every whim, hence "enabling" the narc. I think enablers do view narcissists as superior but they also view themselves sometimes that way as superior in the way they have to take care of them. Which is a thankless, servant type of job. It is so strange? Underneath it though, you are right they are insecure around the narcissist as well, because the narc perhaps brainwashed maybe? Not sure. But it does make them feel bad that you are able to be strong and stand up to the Narc. I agree. Their ego seems to convince them that you are doing wrong and they are doing right, when they know deep down they resent the truth of the matter.
What`s important to see is that narcissism is on a spectrum from 1-9 on the DSM5. Where a person to have " narcissistic personality dissorder" need to have 5 or more. But a person can still be highly toxic and narcissistic without having 5 or more traits. From my own experience this is the hard part when having to do with enablers. That is to see the fact that they are often highly narcissistic without having NPD. That is they are highly toxic. They are 100% responsible for they`re own actions. And the gaslighting from the enabler is a LARGE part of why the gaslighting works. If the enabler would tell the truth, then the gaslighting would in a lesser sence work. What`s important is to cut the enablers totaly out of our life in the same way as the narcissist. As you say they are the servant of the narcissist, a simple drone who do they`re bidding. And if a part of they`re motive for abuseing the scape goat is envy/hate then this is a part of the narcissism spectrum on the DSM5. I also think that alot of enablers are mistaken for beeing enablers, but are in reality lower vulnerable narcissists
I JUST TYPED IN BBA TO SEE IF YOU WERE BACK, AND HERE YOU ARE. WILL YOU BE PUTTING YOUR OLD VIDEOS BACK UP? PLEASE DO BECAUSE YOUR ANALYSIS OF THE SCAPEGOAT CHILD IN MY OPINION IS THE BEST ON RUclips.
I dont believe someone chooses to stay with a Narcissist. There must be some kind of dependancy and many times it could be financial. The Narcissist gives money to his victim whenever the victim is troubled by others, at work for instance. On the other hand the Narcissist steals savings from the kids to pay lawyers and attack the other parent
excellent. i totally relate to the things you said--what i strongly suspected all along. dont even get me started...exhausting just thinking about what i went through. i was the SCAPEGOAT.
I still don't understand the difference between enabler & flying monkey. My mother is a narc My father doesn't say anything & invalidate my emotions. My brother a true devotee & supporter of narc mother who is very toxic
This is amazing BBA! I was just checking on your channel and didn't find any content. I'm really glad to see you posting videos. You are one of the most insightful people on RUclips concerning this very important topic!
Youre channel is amazing, thank you so much and god bless you, very much apprechiated, you have the sharpest description of the enabler I have heard so far, bless you
My sister is my narcissistic fathers enabler and sometimes his flying monkey . I have trouble achieving anything in my life because of his sabotage on me . He makes everything about him he acts holier than thou and hypocritical about everything .
Was NC for 7yr with EM after NF died (she died 10yr later.) I was 22 when I got free of him, and 24 when she told me the girl I was going to marry would 'hold me back.' This girl was the BEST thing that ever happened to me ❤! She was not invited to the little ceremony we had... The NC ended when her mother died. My EM definitely was the hardest to figure out and the most devastating to my mental health.
Wow! I have looked so hard to find some sort of explanation to describe what is happening with my dad. Thank you for this. Without sounding gaslighty, though, how do you know this? I mean, is this backed by psychological research or have you personally figured this out? I just don't know what to believe anymore with all the self doubt that I have now.
Bro. So I am the scapegoat of my family. Can you explain in a video why exactly we can save others: Now that I understand these family dynamics, sometimes I want to warn other people and other families that I know as well. I know it’s a bad idea lol
Looks like you just met my parents…..holy cow! Hell throw us kids under the bus to save himself from her wrath….rage…lunacy… I’ve limited contact..can’t stand it any longer after 72 years….its really ENOUGH!
Bro you should not have deleted your previous videos.Even if you are healed,others are still suffering and need guidance.Even if we have moved on, the world is still full of narcissists, every videos will make it count.
My narcissistic husband enabler would tell me everything my husband says about me, this would eventually get me upset in disbelief. Then, I would give a respond or try to defend myself. Later on if there is a disagreement or argument with my narcissistic husband, he would then start saying everything that I had said in respond to the enabler. It is a mind confusing process.
They don’t want to admit that they were compliant with abuse.
Agreed! They just want to REWRITE HISTORY and claimed that you were the "abuser" when you finally got pushed and caught up in their DARVO shenanigans
Agreed! They just want to REWRITE HISTORY and claimed that you were the "abuser" when you finally got pushed and caught up in their DARVO shenanigans
Agreed! They just want to REWRITE HISTORY and claimed that you were the "abuser" when you finally got pushed and caught up in their DARVO shenanigans
"They are a weaker narcissist.." 💯💯💯
They are COWARDS....😉
My enabling father actually said to me: " I know what they were doing to you. I knew it for a loooong, loooong time. But I couldn't do anything about it because I have to watch out for myself." What Coward!
They are ALWAYS cowards.
Same here, my enabeling father admitted to knowing some stuff a few years ago, that I didnt know he knew. And then I talked to him today, and he took it back!!! Nope, no memeory of that, never said that. I KNOW he did becasue it was one of the biggest shocks in my life, I wrote it down, I know it for sure.
But he denies it, nope, mustve been a misunderstanding, BUT then he dropped a new story today, of something lese he had known, that he never said before!? Wtf. All while being soooo "nice and kind and on my side", but also downplaying all the abuse. Jesus christ this is so confusing.
@@audhumbla6927 No need to be confused. He was gaslighting you. You know what he said. Hell! HE knows what he admitted to you. It's all a mental game. Rise above it and know your truth.
@@diannetimpson6885 100% ❤ thank you
Ok, this explains why my enabler dad has stopped talking to me since he asked me to apologise to my narc mother after SHE abused ME, and I refused. I’m 40, he’s 74.
I didn't realize my dad was sabotaging me for 40 years. I couldn't ever succeed when they were anywhere near me. I get away and do fine.
35 years
That's just totally insane. I'm the same. How is that even possible? It's as if they literally have a curse over you. It's spiritual evil.
Exactly! Life was a dull confusing mystery and then Bam, spell broken, shocking revelations, then life really got painful for a while, No contact. LIfe is easier without a sneaky rat aboard ship. Glad for the community, sorry its so huge.
Seriously. I cant eat properly for days after even thinking too much about them!!!!! Just even letting them in a tiny bit in my mind, thinking "maybe I could trust them a bit", makes me full of shame for days, unable to eat etc etc
Same here!!😢😢😮all jobs and could have had or did have he ruined and sabotaged.. really twisted and degrading how am I supposed to support myself???!
My father is the enabler.. it’s pathetic. What a let down.
Me as well. Emasculated father. It’s so hard to have a dad like that. Can’t trust them with private information. They go running straight back to the narc to tell them exactly what you said. The trust is gone & the relationship is ruined.
same here my friend.
My mother was the enabler
Laura TheExplorer I am sorry you had (/have) to go through that.
Thank you for speaking out so clearly. In recognizing your hurt i got in touch with my own.
Take care,
J
@@habbaticchio2468 My mother was and still is the enabler.
My mom is the enabler. She always said she loved me, almost every day, but whenever my siblings and dad ganged up on me and said what a loser I was and how nobody liked me, my mom would be silent because she was afraid of making them upset. When my sister said I can't enter the house the same time as her, because I am a Christian straight white male (she said people like me are disgusting merely for my beliefs), my mom said I wasn't allowed to enter. When my dad said I was a bad person one time, I heard him 100% clearly, my mom and dad lied and said he never said that, and she would join in on his lies every time. When my brother called me and threatened my family when his girlfriend doxxed him, my mom stayed silent and at first believed him. When my brother in law said I was not a real Christian and that my software development job was useless my mom stayed silent. When my dad yelled at me for using the bathroom in their house, my mom was silent. When my dad screamed at me for eating food in their house after I came back from China at 22 years old, my mom stayed silent. When I told my mom not to share my new address with my siblings after threatening phone calls and stalking, she gave them my new address. The enablers are quite evil themselves.
Yep. That's a textbook enabler.
This can be any family member .. whoever the narcissist is, the enabler is the protector of the lies..
Soldiers of Jesus/setan in
real sense. Abhorrent 👹
Exactly.
💯
"Yep. Enablers are ABUSERS too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying, 'My life would be so much better if you could SHUT UP and just stop complaining.'"-Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' post
They serving the devil
Great video. The enabler also resents the scapegoat because the rage they feel towards the narc is redirected to the scapegoat, thinking "If only the scapegoat would comply peace would descend on the household" or "You're making my life hell." They protect themselves at all costs: even, as I've witnessed more than once, if it leads to the near death of a child. They put themselves first which does show narcissistic traits, as well as their empathy deficit within the household. My enabler was such a sweet, kind, gentle, really hilarious person otherwise, so my brain is like scrambled egg. Thanks for your video.
You nailed it! I lived with a narcissist mom and enabler Dad, I was the scapegoat, the buffer always getting put and pulled in between them. The golden children didn't ever get that! My mom put a gun in my face, threatened me many times, tried to break up relationships in which it wasn't safe for me, tried to make me homeless many times, and even after all of that! My dad literally had the stupidity to ask, "So what is your problem with your mother?" Then tried to gaslight me because I got mad about it even though he always agreed with me about her in the past and said I know how to stand up to mom better than anyone.. I'm over their bs.
Hope you moved thousands of miles away.
Yep. Our mother was a full-blown, envious, oppositional, malevolent, scheming narcissist; and Dad went along with it, likely for his own protection.
I was in my 30s before I started directly confronting Dad. I told him, "I can't tell if you're the world's greatest saint, or the world's biggest wimp because, if I were you, I'd write her a check for a million bucks to go away, or I'd stick her in a hole somewhere and forget about her." At that point, he started opening up. In a roundabout way, he explained that he couldn't stand the thought of leaving us kids with her, and wouldn't afford the child support he'd be paying for six kids.
At that point, I felt sorry for him, but he should have done more to stand up to our mother and represent us.
Sounds at least like he was just couldn't see a way out (leaving kids/affording child support) rather than being a weaker narcissist himself taking some pleasure in it.
Enablers are therefore like crabs in a barrel too.
That's what I always thought that the enablers are more dangerous than a narcisdist .
"Yep. Enablers are ABUSERS too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying, 'My life would be so much better if you could SHUT UP and just stop complaining.'"-Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' post
This is my mother. She’s so sick and abusive. My dad was the Narc. I distanced myself from him decades ago. I’m only now realizing she has been manipulating and sabotaging me the entire time. I was the scapegoat. This is exactly what I’ve been living with. This is truly amazing to hear. My life makes sense for the first time
Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. - Matthew 10:16
Exactly what I feel, just my dad is the enabler and my mom is the narc.
Same here goin threw this right now ... even doe i have ptsd from narcissitic abuse .. she tries to gaslight me .. shes a witnessed my father treating me like shiit and blaming me for his words and actions . While i was down .. and when asked questions she doesent remember or trys to change subject .. i just dont understand how can my family abuse me. While i just came out' of an abusive relatiinship .. its unreall ..
I never knew that the enabler is envious with the victim. That makes sense
Just when you think it can’t possibly get worse - this concept is introduced
Servant is the right word. There are many enablers/servants in my family. I come from a large family with many deluded siblings, a couple of them personality disordered, many of them have addictions. We only look good in photos, which they live for…but the joke is, who is looking at those pictures but themselves? There’s only one active social media user in my family and no one in his so-called friends list ever acknowledge him. It’s hilarious at this point of my journey.
I am tired of trying to tell truth to my enabler mother. Actually she knows everything but won't acknowledge anything because she is herself a narcissist but not stronger than her narcissistic husband.
@adriennecandace oh how I need this verse today. Thank you.
My mother is enabler and I found that I am more angry towards my mother than father. Its always this lingering question....why (didnt) dont you protect me? No matter the false allegations towards me, teh level of manipulation was unbelieveable, but it was always somehow my fault. Thank you Jesus for helping me to overcome.
Same here.
same here, omg i am not alone at all, we have the same issue, can we chat more? ma dad is a narc and my mother is narc enabler and almost narcissistic as well, they always give me the vibe of making me feel inferior to them, and sometimes will use my father by putting him on a pedestal to make me admire him and me feeling lower, and the other thing is i have one sister right? my mother my father's parents and and my aunt all protect her from my dad's violent rage, my mom left my father when i was around 15 and then took my sister and left me with my dad, wtf, my mother took care of my sister and make her go to good schools and high lifestyle this and that, while i was in poverty. thing is i really dont blame my family that much because i know my dad and along with other girls are materialistic and superficial gold diggers, shallow. its quite hard to understand.
but i also wonder if my that is narcissist seperate their victims from their loved ones, you know what i mean? by making me blame my other family for not taking care of me, what do you think?
You need a keyboard with a capslock and shirt key.
4:00 "The enabler is way more difficult to deal with after you have gone NO CONTACT with your family." My younger brother who I no longer speak to any longer, became a head smear campaigner after I was done with the former head, my so-called older sister, hacking my phone and internet accounts. This is a blessing in disguise because once someone shows that side, you know you never have to deal with someone like that again
Makes me think of a quote in the film Spotlight. Stanley Tucci plays a lawyer who remarks:
"They say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it also takes a village to rape a child."
Speaking about the selective blindness and the silence of so many people that ENABLED systemic abuse of the most vulnerable within the r-c church… And even allowed it to continue for decades.
This world will benefit from many more adult adults.
Take care,
Joost
This was extremely powerful and hit me to my core. This validates why I feel no safety in my family. Thank you.
That is a very stressful and sad situation for a child to grow up in, being on the receiving end of a narcissist parent and the other parent being ignorant of their plight. It shows that the enabler of the narcissist has either been brainwashed to some extent themselves or is just too weak to support the child who is the victim. The enabler may not have enough empathy to offer support or help either which could make them a lower level narcissist than the main one who is always the instigator of trouble.
Thank you they’re weak
Moral prostitutes that’s it
They just jump on board and use the situation created by the narc for their own personal reasons. I don't believe they do it on purpose even..its more of a weakness in ourselves letting the evil in. Like flowing water.
@@nicholasdeangelis9143 Yes the daily battle with evil is no picnic. Good to see we can still access BBA's videos, I hope he is doing well and same for you.🕊
My narc mother lied to enabler father daily about me. Either I wasn’t doing my chores wasn’t handling personal hygiene, wasn’t doing my schoolwork…anything she could think of. He, believed EVERYTHING and would be screaming to me “are you calling your mother a liar?!?!” Yes I was, but didn’t dare challenge him or he’d physically abuse me 💔😭. It was bad…..really bad. There was no one for me and I did suffer. Decades later he, sees the error of his parenting ways. I told him so many stories about my childhood- stuff he had no clue about. We slowly have mended our relationship and he has such remorse and guilt. But- I’m here and God is good!!! He, mended my shattered ❤ and I can go on and thrive. I went no contact with mothers age 21-I’m 64. Best decision I made. It’s taken those 40+ years to get to my authentic self. I’m almost there. Hang in there all you who are healing….there is hope.
@@sharonjones7138 Hi, I am glad you had the strength to go no contact at a young age as narcissist's get worse as they age, I'm sorry you were subjected to all that gaslighting and punishment you endured. Narcissists are experts in brainwashing people and your father on some level was a victim of your mother's trickery as well. So sad for all Survivor's of narcissistic abuse. Keep well. 🕊🌻
Thank you for speaking out about this. 🎉🎉🎉. This is a very interesting point that I myself pondered on some time ago. It's so discreet but you will find that you could be guided in the wrong direction in life on purposes to sabotage your future. I started to awaken when the enabler loved helping me out of bad situations I should not even of been in but was not keen to uplift me or support me when I was achieving success.
I feel this. I thought my enabler dad was finally respecting my boundaries regarding me going no contact with my mom and that maybe, just MAYBE, we could have a healthy relationship. But he proved me wrong on Christmas day when he told me "mom and I wish you a merry Christmas" and proceeded to flip when I replied "merry Christmas dad" because I didn't include my mom and go on a big rant about how they don't know what they did and I'm bad for not telling mom happy birthday and merry Christmas.
My theory is that my mom's behavior ruined Christmas and he's trying to blame me.
He was physically abusive to me and my siblings. I was terrified of him at about age 8-9 after he beat me for disobedience. I get what I’d done, but his punishment was WAYYYYY overboard. So, I did everything to escape his punishments. I think narc mother knew this and told him stuff to piss him off so he’d scream and whip me. He also was one who held a grudge for days…being in the house with him, one needed to tip toe thru the tulips. He beat me once with his fists as my mother stood aside and watched. She did scream to him “she’s a girl, she’s a girl!!”, so he stopped hitting me. TERRIFIED!!! I avoided him at all cost 💔💔😢😢.
Just reading this after I replied to your other comment.This is another thing, the narcissist's punishment never fits the crime. It shows that your father has some narcissistic traits to beat you like that and the silent treatment is a tool that the more Covert type of narcissist uses to punish their victim's. They say not to look at the narcissist's words so much but to look at their actions, I understand that but those words of theirs they can cut you to the heart. Enjoy the rest of your day.🙂
I'm sorry about what happened to you.
You have described my childhood EXACTLY!! I'm so grateful!! 🙏🙏🙏💞💞💞💞💞
My sister is NM enabler and she is loyal loyal loyal. She takes everything NM as gospel. Everyone knows narcs lie
This is one of the best videos! I thought my dad was the narcissist. But he is an enforcer and enabler of my mom's narcissism. He is super dangerous as he tries to sabotage any success or growth in my life. I would like to add that if the narcissist is "covert" the abuse from the enabler is x10 fold in order to make the covert narcissist look like a saint. My mom would never discipline me, she would just tell my dad and he would beat me down literally or verbally assault-threaten me.
matched pair of bookends, thick as thieves, pilot and copilot, frik and frak, two of a kind, birds of a feather, bumper to bumper cradle to grave. they're of simply the same kind and caliber with opposing tandem roles. these lone wolves cant lone wolf whatsoever, you cannot have the one without the other. alone, they're a prop-jet without a prop.
bro , we miss you man , i thought something bad happened to you king, hope you're well,big fan here from Sudan , shout out to all of you strong people in here, im a scapegoat btw, but im strong as ever,and it drives them crazy, please stay strong , i got much love for each one of you ,stay up
Yes, BBA, we missed you so much. I had downloaded some BBA videos. and need to download more in case we lose this incredible platform. BBA is a soldier and a knight!!
This is true, I get more direct antagonism from my enabler stepfather than my covert narc mother, it is more in the form of passive aggression from the main narc. This is how the main narc wants it to be, so they never appear as the unstable aggressor in front of others, they preserve their pristine social front at all costs. But it is the main narc that creates this attitude towards the scapegoat from the enabler by all manner of covert tactics. And as you say, the enabler may harbour resentment towards the scapegoat because they feel Envy for the fortitude of the scapegoat that they do not possess.
This video was soooooo great 🙏
@6.00 was perfectly true 👏👏
The enabler is more dangerous,twisted,plays both sides of the game.
In this case it is Mother: the enabler
Brother: the narcissistic
Sister: the scapegoat
It's really dangerous enabler.
With narc you get what you see, but the enabler is always playing the chess game like you said into serving the narcissist.
Thank you soooooooo much for this video 🙏🙏
I will be listening to it again and again because it hit the nail for me.
You are SO RIGHT! Wow, one of the best descriptions of this situation I have EVER heard (and I have gone through hundreds of them now). RESPECT! New subscriber for sure
Im in the middle of getting out of this toxic cylce woth my Narc mom and enabler father and I had my mom completly figured out and in the middle of putting all the pièces together about my dad and this just open the door to what I was trying to piece together and just understand wtf is going on! Thank you for sharing 🙏🏽
This just explained my childhood the abuse I received from my mother. Thank you!
This describes my aunt and uncle. Both are narcissists, but she was the more predatory one, and I was the scapegoat niece who "broke up the marriage" even though I was a full generation younger and lived with them sporadically.
If he hadn't done her bidding, she would have turned her full fury on him. I got the feeling that she never, ever would have let go of him, but tormented him for the rest of his life.
These people are impossible to divorce. They just won't go away.
Thank you~ I appreciate your vibe and knowledge. Thank you for explaining how the enabler is a ‘servant’ to the narcissist.
"Servant" was the perfect word to use indeed about those so-called people. (Those idiots think that they're finding strength in numbers when they're really just diluting any goodness they might have by magnifying their toxicity with other fellow toxic types)
thanks so much I wish more ppl would talk about enablers
My brother is the Enabler (son husband) I've slowly lost respect for him over the years. 🤮 Unfortunately he is completely void of empathy and has attacked me vicuously through the Narcissists brainwashing! He seems more Psychopathic tbh and extremely dangerous!!
BOTH my siblings, are enable my mother. I’m the youngest of my siblings. My brother is the biggest enabler then my sister as well.
Sounds like brother.
my dad was ONLY 21 years old when he married my narc mother. .. he loved us children the best he could....i have a 26 year old immature son and if he married at 21, he wouldnt know better either
It can happen at any age where you just don't have the experience to understand the dynamic you're playing into.
I come here a few times a year, you are so spot on its just so healing to hear it described by another. How they wouldnt enable the abuse, if they didnt agree with it........ dang. And them being weaker doesnt make them better, or a victim, at all. Thank you and God Bless ❤❤❤
This is the best video about the enabler dad, describes my dad to a T.
That just made a mind-blowing amount of sense. 😮
The thing is, this same thing can happen when a sibling is a narcissist. Once our narcissistic dad left us, my sister took the place of the one who my mom enabled. And if I ever questioned/criticized my sister's actions, my mom could get really hostile towards me if her usual "just humor her" thing didn't shut me up. I recently went No Contact with my sister and I could feel the resentment between the words she said to me.
Go no contact with your mom as well. Let her see the results of her indifference.
There was one time and one time only that my enabling father stopped me in my tracks, it was after I threw my hands up and started to walk away. I heard him say, "don't you know your mother is insecure?" He never said anything about her in that way, it was always praise. I thought to say to that remark of his, "We are all somewhat insecure in some ways, that doesn't constitute being abusive, demeaning others, mind games, etc... but that didn't matter, he still honored her, and catering to her every whim, hence "enabling" the narc. I think enablers do view narcissists as superior but they also view themselves sometimes that way as superior in the way they have to take care of them. Which is a thankless, servant type of job. It is so strange? Underneath it though, you are right they are insecure around the narcissist as well, because the narc perhaps brainwashed maybe? Not sure. But it does make them feel bad that you are able to be strong and stand up to the Narc. I agree. Their ego seems to convince them that you are doing wrong and they are doing right, when they know deep down they resent the truth of the matter.
THIS
What`s important to see is that narcissism is on a spectrum from 1-9 on the DSM5. Where a person to have " narcissistic personality dissorder" need to have 5 or more. But a person can still be highly toxic and narcissistic without having 5 or more traits. From my own experience this is the hard part when having to do with enablers. That is to see the fact that they are often highly narcissistic without having NPD. That is they are highly toxic. They are 100% responsible for they`re own actions. And the gaslighting from the enabler is a LARGE part of why the gaslighting works. If the enabler would tell the truth, then the gaslighting would in a lesser sence work. What`s important is to cut the enablers totaly out of our life in the same way as the narcissist. As you say they are the servant of the narcissist, a simple drone who do they`re bidding. And if a part of they`re motive for abuseing the scape goat is envy/hate then this is a part of the narcissism spectrum on the DSM5. I also think that alot of enablers are mistaken for beeing enablers, but are in reality lower vulnerable narcissists
I JUST TYPED IN BBA TO SEE IF YOU WERE BACK, AND HERE YOU ARE. WILL YOU BE PUTTING YOUR OLD VIDEOS BACK UP? PLEASE DO BECAUSE YOUR ANALYSIS OF THE SCAPEGOAT CHILD IN MY OPINION IS THE BEST ON RUclips.
This is incredible. I had wondered a little bit about the enabler being narcissistic. That explains a lot!
I come back to this video always ❤. It's gold🥇
I dont believe someone chooses to stay with a Narcissist. There must be some kind of dependancy and many times it could be financial. The Narcissist gives money to his victim whenever the victim is troubled by others, at work for instance. On the other hand the Narcissist steals savings from the kids to pay lawyers and attack the other parent
Thank you for this video. Now I got a conformation that what I was thinking about the enabler resenting me was right!
excellent. i totally relate to the things you said--what i strongly suspected all along. dont even get me started...exhausting just thinking about what i went through. i was the SCAPEGOAT.
I still don't understand the difference between enabler & flying monkey.
My mother is a narc
My father doesn't say anything & invalidate my emotions.
My brother a true devotee & supporter of narc mother who is very toxic
OMGOODNESS how do you know my parents?!?!
Hi dude ..... happy to see you again.
This is amazing BBA! I was just checking on your channel and didn't find any content. I'm really glad to see you posting videos. You are one of the most insightful people on RUclips concerning this very important topic!
This video was absolutely incredible and explained so much. Thank you
100%% about me!! Many great Thanks!!:))!!
Thank you for the reminder, BBA. Have a wonderful Sunday and God bless you.
Good to have you back brother what happened to your old videos they really helped me in a dark place
Hey nice to hear from you ☺️ love your videos!!!!
Youre channel is amazing, thank you so much and god bless you, very much apprechiated, you have the sharpest description of the enabler I have heard so far, bless you
Hats off for having explain that because it was perfect. 👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽❤️❤️❤️❤️Loads of love
My sister is my narcissistic fathers enabler and sometimes his flying monkey . I have trouble achieving anything in my life because of his sabotage on me . He makes everything about him he acts holier than thou and hypocritical about everything .
Whew, thanks for these eye-openers!!!!!!!!!!!
This is so true. Great work🎯❤
Thank you all you are explaining it’s true I had this exact family dynamics!
You gave me lots to think about. Thanks!
Was NC for 7yr with EM after NF died (she died 10yr later.) I was 22 when I got free of him, and 24 when she told me the girl I was going to marry would 'hold me back.' This girl was the BEST thing that ever happened to me ❤! She was not invited to the little ceremony we had... The NC ended when her mother died.
My EM definitely was the hardest to figure out and the most devastating to my mental health.
Omg you had disappeared from youtube and now you're back!! Thank you!!
very important new perspective!!
I needed this. THANK YOU!
Wow! Thank you so much clarity.. 🌻
They wish you will slay the dragon,
When you pull out your sword say how can you do that to my mother.? Moma boy in peter pan syndrome book.
very interesting explanation of the mind of the enabler. First logical explanation I have heard.
question: should the enabler be in cluster B?
If your parents allegiance is to the state, they can't love you.
So glad you're back. Missed your vids.
Wow! I have looked so hard to find some sort of explanation to describe what is happening with my dad. Thank you for this.
Without sounding gaslighty, though, how do you know this? I mean, is this backed by psychological research or have you personally figured this out? I just don't know what to believe anymore with all the self doubt that I have now.
Im glad you decided to make videos again.. Thank you for the info. Hope you had a good New Years as well! Xx
Mine triangulate me with my cousin who was the enabler
Bro. So I am the scapegoat of my family. Can you explain in a video why exactly we can save others:
Now that I understand these family dynamics, sometimes I want to warn other people and other families that I know as well.
I know it’s a bad idea lol
Looks like you just met my parents…..holy cow!
Hell throw us kids under the bus to save himself from her wrath….rage…lunacy…
I’ve limited contact..can’t stand it any longer after 72 years….its really ENOUGH!
I dont understand that because iam German Woman!
When my husband was the narcicisst then i am an enabler Woman?😮
did you remove the old video's?
also good to have you back
Bro you should not have deleted your previous videos.Even if you are healed,others are still suffering and need guidance.Even if we have moved on, the world is still full of narcissists, every videos will make it count.
beautiful, well said!
Yea my cousin should of spoke up for me narcissist told him what she was doin to me and he thought was funny
Thank you for this video! I want to see more videos and info on this, so if any of you come across good ones, please post here.
It helped me so much, thank you and keep it up.
Try being The *daughter*
of an IT guy small man
able to be stronger than
Daddy. The resentment
KNOWS NO BOUNDS 😩
Thus vidro is true af.
That a shame my own cousin was the enabler smh
Damn!
Battle born! Where ya been? First time seeing a vid of yours in forever. Just looked and you don't have any of your old content listed. What gives?
It seems to be more common that the father is the narcissist and the mother is the enabler
I doubt that, id say it's 50/50
@@getbusyliving144 we come from different experiences then
No way not in my experience
My narcissistic husband enabler would tell me everything my husband says about me, this would eventually get me upset in disbelief. Then, I would give a respond or try to defend myself. Later on if there is a disagreement or argument with my narcissistic husband, he would then start saying everything that I had said in respond to the enabler. It is a mind confusing process.
How many husbands do you have? 😁