"There is no paradise for you to escape to. Go. Go back. Back to your battlefield." This video took over 5 months of research, planning, and careful consideration. You can show your support and get behind-the-scene details on Patreon: www.patreon.com/ClarkElieson
if you know only pain for your entire life it's almost impossible to convince yourself you can get out of that pain. like, you have something like a splinter always hurting you deep in your flesh and somewhat logically you know that there has to be a condition where that pain is not there, aka the absence of the splinter, but you cannot understand that because it's totally autside of you sensory knowledge, you cannot explain the colors to a blind man. and then you are told that the only (possible, not sure keep in mind, possible) way to stop the pain is via a greater, longer pain aka the removal of the splinter, but that's not a 100% way to fix the problem and anyway, the splinter may be back at any given time. so you may find yourself in a situation where you are happy, and you don't understand you are. and that happened to me once. ONCE. in 30 years. 30 years of constant pain interrupted by a single, and bland moment of not-pain. so it's not wanting to die. it's wanting to not feel the pain of living in a prison for your mind, tortured by yourself, untill you die. that's what i feel.
@@matteoorlandi856I understand exactly where you are coming from, when you eventually are happy, it doesn’t last long because you are so used to being in pain that happiness begins to feel alien and like something is wrong, even if it is the only time you ever feel right.
My therapist told me today: so you don’t want to kill your self you just want to die. Sounds like you want just peace. And something in me clicked. Yea I want peace and I don’t now how to get it
@@TheLedaba Make that your hobby, find the thing, the place or experience that brings you peace, it'll be your favourite but dont stop there, keep going, because you never know, you might stumble into an even better way to perceive peace
As someone with diagnosed dysthymia (aka persistent depressive disorder) at some point these thoughts go from earth-shattering to an annoying pop-up ad you briefly perceive before closing. When my PDD was starting to get bad for the first time, I would lie in bed feeling numb and hating myself. Now I’ll randomly get a thought that says “death is easier” and I tell myself to stfu.
I've been trying to get back there myself. Where I can stare in the void without fear, but it almost always has to get to a point of no return for me... once I hit that bottom, I can push off the ground and come back up to the surface. I just really wish I could float easier, like I perceive my jolly friends to be. Floating effortlessly. Not having to sink before I start fighting. I keep kicking frantically under water... but still. I don't want to die. Just want the pain to lighten a little. If you're struggling too, I hope you can always find the strength to come back up to the surface.
For me personally, I think it’s like I want to exist without consequences. It’s the desire to go where I want, do what I want, and live how I want without judgment or responsibility. I have struggled with people pleasing and social anxiety, so my mind eventually came to the conclusion that it would be better to just exist on my own, without others, free of consequence. But this has also made the concept of simply not existing seem enjoyable or peaceful as well.
Yeah I feel you, right now I want to play games and enjoy myself, but as a consequence then I will ignore my schoolwork and as a consequence of that I will lose money that I paid for the school. I wish to be constantly in a state of having no consequences and the easiest solution I have come to if I just didn't have a will to do anything and become a drone of some sort like the matrix, because I have a will to play games but my will to study for college is practically non existent.
yeah, "I sorta want to be in my own bubble" is kinda how it feels. Its a place of comfort and self warmth wherein its just you yet you feel so full because its kinda just you.
I would love to be a voiceless, bodyless spectator in everything. No horses in any race, just the ability to survey and learn from everything going on in the moment. It would be really enlightening
I'd love to be a ghost with the power to kill worthless scum, slowly and torturously. I'd be content to remain an eternal spectre, forever, just to know I was the closest thing this cesspit had to a God.
@@arskandan For me the pain is existence itself. Living. Being a free agent in the world inherently carries a burden, of reliance on others and being relied upon. Restrictions, freedoms, stress and joy. Everything we experience carries a weight and that's the pain. Bearing the burden of living
being depressed while having adhd is a torture. it's like a constant battle. I've never had a moment of peace in my entire life. feels like not existing could be my only shot at peace. edit: later got diagnosed with autism and bipolar disorder. things are starting to make sense.
I find long hot showers help with mine and just letting out my emotions. Sometimes though it is even hard to gather the power of will to even get up to go to the shower though and letting out my emotions is difficult.
Autism makes me very pedantic, I need to be productive or else I get unnaturally upset, which means when I have suicidal episodes and I CANT be productive ,it makes me feel like shit. I need order and routine, but often when I feel that way I am too tired to follow a strict time table. Its a vicious cycle
ADHD here, only diagnosed at 28 years old. I can't even begin to describe the amount of self hatred I've developed through the years..Not to mention the...bad thoughts. How I'd do it, you know? You're not alone, brother. If you or anyone in the comments here wants to talk, please reach out. I'm going to be here.
This is why I love staying up late at night. It's the only time of the day where I feel truly free, like a time where I can experience not existing for someone else for a while. It's also a way to "pause" the start of the next day. And watching the sun rise at 5am through my bedroom window, my AC running while I bury myself with my comforter, is when I'm most at peace.
What's interesting about this comment to me is that I relate so much to this, but I DON'T WANT to. It's funny cause it's late into the night right now as I type this. I usually stay up late to delay the next day like you said and it's the only time where I feel like I don't have to do anything. However... I don't want to be like that. I want to get up early in the morning and be productive and help people, yet I hold myself back from doing that for some reason. Idk im ranting
I started from "I want to die" to "I don't wanna exist anymore" to " "I don't wanna be here" to "I don't like what's happening around me" to "I just wanna be happy" and now it's "i just wanna live". I ain't as happy as I wanna be, but I now have things I want to do. And I write them down on my notes app because oftentimes I go back to that corner where life has no meaning and i just don't know why i exist. So when I read that notes app, I find that 'hey, there is something i wanna do. it's a short-term goal but it's a goal to do'
I am almost crying right now because it's so relatable I started from I don't want to suffer again I don't want to feel it I'm not feeling anything Nothing matters I don't want this world this feelings this life I don't want to be me I And then bohemian rhapsody got it perfect I don't want to die but sometimes I wished I was never born at all carry on carry on as if nothing really matters And eventually exactly all the steps you listed But I think I'm way ahead of you luckily for me I love my life I wish I can live forever be immortal and hopefully the universe also never changes My life almost couldn't be more perfect
same dude. i'd reccomend a channel called BREADSWORD to you. he made a great video about NGE and Gurren Lagan, one of my fave NGE analysis vids out there
Passive suicidality. That is what this is. I’ve dealt with it essentially all my life, not wishing for death, but wishing I had never existed at all. Dealing with suicidality and its passive counterpart has led me to realize the actual difference between the two, and how common passive suicidality truly is. Its truly something strange
I assume everyone feels this way, but that can't be true. I think more millennials and than even more Gen Z kids feel this way than any other generation. We are the suicidal generation.
For years I didn’t realize that I have depression because I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop existing. At least for a while. You put it so perfectly, death is too permanent, but vanishing from existence is so appealing. It felt so good to be seen in this way, thank you.
How do you picture your temporary non existence? It would have be a conscious effect, otherwise, you could just stop existing for an irrelevant moment in time, and comeback without feeling any change, or to comeback and see that everything has changed the moment you blinked, and now you'd have to catch up for the time loss, like having amnesia. That said, I don't accept the idea of this temporary non existence, as you'd have to know it happened.
@@kesler4982 it’s a depression fantasy, it’s not logical lol. I never planned it out or thought through the logic, I just wanted to have a break from the world and for the world to have a break from me.
@@loradailey5746 Clearly. What I meant was, that some take to certain fantasies better than others, if anything, I wanted you to convince me somehow. No rest for the wicked, though, or so they tell me.
It is an horrible feeling when you don't want to live yet you don't want to die, everything is meaningless, a person that wants to end it all at least has a way out, someone that doesn't want to exist, will never have their "happy" ending
I think I simply don't exist not too people's eyes Just the caring emotions I cry and vent so many times and all I'll get just empty promises and false compliments from family, friends, strangers alike nobody really seems to show the correct emotion for me too feel better I just can't the right commitment and I've seen and heard so many things that are the most inspiring... But it just seems impossible for me too accept or understand I don't know what goes on in my head anymore it's been screwed up badly by this world and it aggravates me... it's so complex I can't really explain it by text or talk I just feel so lost and alone Hopefully it'll actually pass but i don't know.... I'll just have to wait and see I guess I don't know if I want to be happy or miserable In the end I think I perfer not exist period I also wish I was never born that's all I can make out atleast I'm tired 🙁
@@LoneBuffalo118 It's honestly hard to live life, everything is just pushing us back, sometimes doing nothing feels more rewarding than trying to fight
@@emlls8179 I don't know how to feel about you're comment I don't know rather too feel comfortable or find it relatable I don't know if it should make me feel crappy or okay.. Emotions and pure thought are such a pain for me now 😔 I don't if to agree or disagree Too like you or dislike you I think I've never had the proper guidance or maybe this world in general just simply can't cuz it just doesn't know HOW or CARE I kinda wish I never knew about the real world especially the one we're currently in It's like a disease that's affecting my brain 😣 I'm so lost and helpless My sanity's hangin by a thread It's almost like a bad joke 😌
@@LoneBuffalo118 life itself is a joke sadly, I would like to encourage you, to give you motivation, but does that really matters, anything we do matters, what is the point of trying if everything in the end is meaningless, interactions with people is hard, I can’t find the right words to say when talking to someone, living is hard, it’s so hard to me to go outside and hang out with people, I've been three whole years without going outside because I just don’t want to feel bad anymore, I hate it, I don’t want anything more just silence, I hate feeling like this
The best analogy I have is that life is kind of like an amusement park. There are moments of enjoyment, but for the most part it's just waiting around trying to stay distracted until the short few fun parts. It's not that it's unbearable, but I would rather just not be here, it's just not worth it. But since I'm already here, and the people I'm here with don't want to leave, I guess I'll just hang out until I'm allowed to go.
Life has consequences. for me, I did not want consequences. I never wanted to come into this world, I wish I had an option into going into this world as an infant, some decision I could consciously remember that says, yes, I want to be here, I want to live. But no. I never had that choice. And now, with my life, I have formulated the thought that no, I don't want to be here. I now recognize the consequences of living and want no part in it. I never had a desire to please a big other. I never had those wants, all I wanted was for me to fade away. As a Catholic, the big other is God. I just wish he consulted and told me the terms and services. I just feel like I got drafted into life.
@@fellowhomosapien2012I'm an atheist (or whatever, I don't believe in a higher power) so I might not be the person for an believer to say what is what. But just for the thought, it sound like it could be that you are (to some degree) unsatisfied because of the religious ways you were taught to live your life? I don't mean you have to to stop believing in a higher power, but you might not have to live by the standards of the catholics ways? I as I said, don't believe in a higher power, I'm too logically thinking for that. But I don't tell other people what to believe in if it's a good thing. But in my opinion, there are lots of things in most religions that are bad - or screwed up. I have friends who have been seriously fucked up by their parents and church's hc beliefs - both mentally, physically and sexually(sex is a sin unless for making children etc - which IS made up by humans 100%). We have changed the Bible from the old to the new testament to fit into the modern world. But there still is a lot of things in the Bible that does not fit. But who chooses what is right? I think if we follow the laws, we are in good hands. If God exist and we are a good human being in this world, he would be saitsfied. You have to feel good and find a way where life feels meaningful for you. That can be hard if I totally interpreted your message and you are satisfied with the religious ways you live and that it is just life that feels that way. I too feel like you even though I don't believe (and I am satisfied with not believing).
@@petrac2840 I accept my situation in life, realizing I have no power over not wanting to exist. I will try to live my life to the best of my abilities. Nihilism, the belief that life is meaningless does not help you achieve greatness. And with my religion, I am also comfortable with that. I would rather believe in a higher power, than not believe, and miss a better place after death. Its a coin flip, Faith. Its called that for a reason, you have no evidence that God is real, but you still truly believe in it. Why be a atheist, and miss on an opportunity of heaven that may or may not exist? why have subjective morality when you can have an objective, with a chance of heaven? poor explanation on my part, but that is what I believe.
Life sometimes just feels like a punishment for something unknown. Nobody asked for life, nobody consented to being thrust into a world that shreds the weak and shames the lesser being forced to work, and interact and live in the world past humans left for us The idea that we control the directions our lives lead isn’t always true sometimes the only control you have is how you navigate and metabolize the struggles and pain forced unto you it’s exhausting. I don’t crave death, I simply wish to not be
When "the wish to fall asleep and never wake up again" was said I immediately held my breath because I was not expecting to be called out so hard like that.
Existence as-is seems like such a burden. Let me be a watcher in the void, a nothing that exists yet has no influence nor opinion. That wouldn't be a burden atleast.
Same here. Even if I was as happy as I can be, I'd probably prefer not to exist. Existence inevitably means worries and eventually death. So I'd much rather prefer nonexistence.
As someone who's dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood, yeah, this is it. I don't want to be perceived - i don't want to have desire nor be desired nor have things desired of me. Turn me into the orange goo please
To me you sound like you mainly want to be away from people and just cut emotional association with this world. And while wanting not to be perceived, do you still want to observe?
I felt like this during my high school years. I had no friends, i studied all the time to appease my parents and never expressed any emotions for fear of disappointing them. I was going forward cause there was no other direction and smiling felt like a chore, something to do for the sake of others. I never got myself checked but i fully believe i had some form of depression, because i would just sit in silence on my train commute to school asking myself why was I even awake, if I wasn't doing all of this for myself. What genuinely got me through it wasn't even anything particular, one random day one of the train conductors approached me and asked me why I've been avoiding school (i would randomly skip it cause it was unbearable to go there sometimes) and I said I really didn't know, but that I was too tired to work hard for it. And he just answered "then don't." And that's when i realized exactly what you said at the end of the video. You just brought back a lot of painful memories, and my past self most probably wouldn't be able to bear them, but that's what growth is. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it, but certainly when you need it
I think most people have some sort of desire to not exist rather than to exist, but at the same time, not existing is probably the most scary thought ever
@Koizz | Entertainment Co. technically darkness is a color and is something. The nothing we know about is actually something because it’s nothing. True nothing is something our brains can’t comprehend at this point in time.
@@vibra7 Don't pretend like ecangelion is a mecha anime. That is the hook to get people in then the philosophy shit kickes in and you either stay or go
I want to exist without living, sometimes I want to live like the voice of a narrator, always giving the story but not really existing. To watch without being watched. To talk without being judged and without anyone really knowing of my presence, idk …it sounds peaceful and it’s the feeling of doing things without overthinking every second if you did it right or wrong.
Basically everyone here wants to live without any responsibility or consequences for making stupid choices and refusing to accept accountability, you go through the day to day, playing games, this works for a while untill you've fallen so far behind you don't know what to do, so you exist in a painful state of in between, never enough time for play and not enough skill and discipline to be fulfilled in a career. I cut this short at 18, quit gaming and my life got alot better, although the stress of my responsibilities isn't fun, but idk if it's bad either, as the wins don't feel great if you don't have something to lose or overcome.
@@MastaGambit no this is litterally the story of an average gamer, which is a massive percentage of men in America, It breaks your brains reward system. But this "not wanting to exist" thing is a coddled child's reaction to the outside world. OMG THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS? RESPONSIBILITIES? I CANT TAKE IT. It's a pathetic and childish view of the world
I hope the day I die there is no afterlife, I just want to be a being that floats with no purpose. No stress, no work, no drama, no boundaries. I’d most likely just wander from universe to universe just observing. That sounds like heaven to me
Same I wish that when I die I can still observe life and talk but nobody can hear me. I could watch TV shows with humans that are alive, I could lay down next to someone and watch tiktok with them. I just think that's such a cool existence in the afterlife.
Having long-term depression and anxiety disorder, the desire not to exist is like on my mind 24/7. I think abt it at least once a day, just "what if i just die and end this suffering?". But also the fear of dying painfully prevents me from doing anything
You have to decide is the pain of living worse than the pain of dying. People that end their life have got in be down to a level most people wouldn't understand , depression is the war of our time , and I don't know I think we're loosing this war .
i was put under anesthesia frequently for a few weeks and the moment before i passed out, while it was just beginning to work, i could feel myself losing control. i felt nothing. it was the best feeling i've ever felt.
As someone with relatively severe disassociation, I don't like the nothingness. I can't look forward to anything, can't think of anything outside the room I'm in, can't even enjoy my life. At this point, my only hobbies are writing and playing video games; The games because I can at least focus on them, and the writing because it takes my mind off of the emptiness.
You should get into meditation. When you practise enough you can feel "samadhi" (correct me if I mixed the term up with something else). It is akin to a state you describe where you just exist distanced from your thoughts and emotions. It is wonderful and has positive effects on your well being. Meditation does not require any special techniques. I do the classic method of watching my breath, counting it from 1 to 10 then starting from the beginning. If I mix the numbers up I just start from 1 again, it is not important. The importance is only that you focus on that practise and let anything else (your thoughts and emotions) come and go.
@@blacklyfe5543 no, its like, you just want to vanish. you dont want to die, you dont want to go through death, you just want to disappear. to be dead.
This might also be why meditation can be so relieving, as I reached the stage of ego death, my mind was completely empty. During that stage, I looked at my very messy room, but with no comment, judgement or reaction as I saw it for what it simply was and not what it meant. At times when I get upset about something, I tend to remember how I am being the one who perceives and gives meaning to things, when in reality things don't really have their meanings, they simply exist, whether we like it or not.
Exactly. Is the meditation you're talking about the same as buddhist meditation? In Buddhism, achiving the death of ego is very high level. I salute you.
@@justaguy3987 I recommend you listening to guide meditate, it helps me a lot how to breathe to calm me down and what should I think of or doing something focus on it like journaling I guess. Untill you can find your peace of mind and that's life changing for me! hope this help
Vinicus De... With all due respect this is half right but not as you would want it. The things that nature created do have meaning. The cheetah is the fastest animal for a reason. The same way there is a reason why the chameleon can change the way other see them. It is the same thing in our life. Everything around us even though is just an item or building as it is, have been created with a reason. The device you used to write this comment isn't something that was delivered to us from god and we just take for granted. It is not just a bunch of random electrical components either. It is a machine that was thought by bunch of people in order to be created to serve a purpose. Then it was created with the idea of a monetary gain(which means that things around us can even have several meanings depending on what people not just think of them but actually use them for)
I've always had this desire to just not be perceived. I try to take as little space as possible and I don't talk much. But the weirdest thing is that once in a while when someone forgets I'm there, or don't notice me, basically when I get what I want it kinda hurts a little.
i think you just might need more time to figure out what you truly want. Figuring out yourself can sometimes be harder than figuring out others. Personally, how it sounds to me, you dont want to be ignored, but you dont want to be an inconvenience, someone in the way of something, it would make sense you would still like positive attention or be hurt by a lack of it
Because you don’t truly want to not be perceived. I always thought I wanted that because I have anxiety and not being perceived sounds like it would be easier. But really every person wants social validation, and to not be left out. It’s literally how we’re wired.
@@kirtil5177 You would think that but the rest of the time I'm genuinely relieved that I'm not noticed. And positive attention is nice but I start feeling uncomfortable. As soon as it starts I want it to end. Theres days where I can handle social interactions but the days that I'm not feeling it.....I'm an awkward mess. Youre totally right about it being harder to figure yourself out.
I used to be depressed but even now, when im in a better place, the desire to not exist is still within me. The sadness went away but the tiredness of my mind and heart is still there. I know i should be very thankful that i managed to get out of the everyday torment depression gives you, but i feel like my mind and heart can never be the same again. I feel like ill always be tired and existing would always be work for me. I still hope and pray things would be better in the future tho.
What makes me so sad is that I DO want to live in this world, but I DON'T want to live in this society. But you aren't allowed to do that. Everywhere you could possibly go is owned and watched. You are forced to play the game with the rules set by the worst humanity has to offer.
This is pretty much how I feel, I always try to see the best in people, I want to live, I want to have fun, I want to be happy, find someone, etc. I have alot to be thankful for in my life... But I hate alot about this world and the people that govern it, systems that are in place, cruel facts of life, unfairness. I normally just block out the bigger picture, I don't watch the news, I don't really go on social media, (alot of people criticize me for cutting these things out of my life.) I have my tight friend group and pursue hobbies that make me happy and try to keep that as my lot in life.
I think you could probably leave, people do choose not to play the game of society every now and then, exploring remote places, living in the woods, only really engaging with the community you choose, I think you can get away somewhat if not entirely
I want to live, but not the live that exists. Its not society im sad about, but life as a whole. I want to live the different life, where you dont need to take life to live
Ive been struggling with suicidal tendencies and the desire to not exist since adolescence. I don’t remember how all of this even started i just woke up one day and wished I didn’t. Sleep has always been my favorite earthly experience, its so peaceful quiet and tranquil, i love how all the sounds feelings and thoughts disappear into the void. But at the same time, ive always thought the world was a beautiful place, the sky is breathtakingly beautiful throughout the seasons, the ocean, the hills, flowers and birds ,i’m glad im alive to witness the beauty of nature and these dazzling sceneries make me feel like life is worth it. My mind is trapped in a maze of contradictory thought, Between the meaninglessness of life, the burden of being alive and the beauty of nature. They all make sense to me somehow yet I can’t figure out what i really want.
Nothing I hate more than myself.. I was a selfish stupid brat as a kid, now that I'm older It seems I've gotten worse somehow. A stupid boy that wants so much yet has no clue what to do with it... I tried to change I've found different things so many things, but in the end I'm finding myself right back in the same damn spot.. the obstacle blocking me is ME. I've repeated this crap so many times now.. I've pushed so many others away I still have a hand full left but my mind is trying to make them fade away aswell. I wish they would forget about me.. I wish my mother would forget about me, wish my friends would forget about me, wish the one brother I have left to forget about me. I'm so alone it's honestly laughable... Wish they all would forget about me and move on I'm nothing to dwell on really... "Why?" Because I've realized how much of a piece of trash I am, I'm so frickin selfish and pathetic I never changed.... I'm never gonna change I'm just as much of a brat than back then, always wanting more and more... I've been given so much..... I think I've been given TOO much And I've never deserved any of it, and it'll continue.. which leads to those dark thoughts and self-hatred, the urge to kill myself is so much.. but I don't bc then I think it's too good for me.. to make myself disappear and leave those who put up with me in peace finally just one less thing to worry about right? But I've also realized that's another selfish act... I literally and utterly can not do anything but breathe Why's existence like this for me
@@LoneBuffalo118I’m here, my friend.,’ There are many alone, we can all be alone together in a way. Because no one else can be in our heads. We share with each other and that’s the hardest part, I’m proud of how far you’ve come and I promise you have grown, improving upon who you are
@@rooknado It isn't improvement. I don't want help but here I am anyway.. it's stupid, it doesn't make sense to me. I'm a piece of shit that only spends his time wasting others time... It always ends up in this same damn place, again again again again again again again again and AGAIN!!! I'm sick of the same shit, I just don't wanna be here.. I don't belong here... I simply don't. So much noise! I just want it to end. This is anything but improvement to me I wish every piece of me would disappear, I wanna completely fade away, every memory, every day, every moment, every laugh, every stupid smile. Every fucking thing!! I just want to be GONE dammit!! Life already makes me feel like I don't exist, so why can't I just.... Stop breathing This isn't improvement I'm just being more worthless
I’ve recently realized that the reason I like to lock myself in my room for days is because that’s a way for me to escape existence. Because if you are by yourself and don’t interact with anyone, it’s almost like you don’t exist. You can’t be perceived by people therefore it’s like you’re not really there. I don’t want to die or commit suicide but I do have a desire to stop existing.
It’s like there’s a tv blasting static inside my head. Theres no off switch and the volume is stuck on max. Everyday I wake up and it’s always bittersweet
this made me sign up for a therapy appointment because i've never heard my mindset exactly put into words like this, much less with such an uplifting ending. thank you
@@LoneBuffalo118 i’d at least try therapy like me. If you then still think it doesn’t help, just stop going. It’s really worth trying even if it’s just for once.
I remember actually experiencing "Nirvana" after watching the finale of the TV series back in 2005, when they finished releasing the Platinum Collection. To describe it in words, all my wants & desires, as well as grudges, all disappeared. I felt that I finally achieved true happiness, the kind that's only obtainable in heaven. It was the weirdest but most blissful experience. You could offer me a million dollars to do anything, and my response would've been "Nah, I don't need it. I've obtained a supreme form of happiness & enlightenment, one that can not be bought with money, no matter how much you have." However, that state of Nirvana was short-lived. It only lasted for like 5 to 10 minutes before it completely inverted into Absolute Fear. Realizing that all my wants & desires are gone, I asked myself, what am I supposed to do now? What purpose could I possibly have if I don't want anything, no goals to strive for? That's when the concept hit me. The concept known as Evolutionary Dead-end. The problem with achieving perfection is that there's nowhere to go from there. There's no reason to move forward & do anything. This feeling was absolutely paralyzing. Beyond a normal or phobic level of fear, it was a Primordial Fear, the kind that no overinflated ego can resist, one that is embedded into the psyche of every living being brought into existence. Luckily, this fear also was short-lived before I snapped out of it & went back into a normal state of mind. It was one of those once in a lifetime experiences that I'll never forget & why the Evangelion series will forever remain as one of my favorites. But I warn you, this show is not for those who struggle with depression or other mental illnesses. I've also nearly had a mental breakdown from watching this as well. A real eye-opener for those who take their mental health for granted.
@@takeuchi5760 i have seen you point of view a lot so I want to know about it, why do you think it isn't really that much? Because of how bizzare and all over the place it is? For me it is fascinating
The reason is somewhat the same But the outcome is different The feeling of having your whole existence erased with even your conscience makes it feel empty in a good way, it's a completely different experience with existing in the first place however since you have a lot of opportunities As life gives you pain, you start to change your direction Your motive as a young one was motivated by experience, curiosity, joy, and many other things, with now, you have seen the world on its half and you don't seem to want to strive any forward Now you feel you've seen enough and just want to make the most time out of your life, you don't care on fame on anything, you just want to be happy, the only thing that excites you and the only thing you enjoy as of then
I went the other way. I eventually learnt that I don't desire happiness, don't want to be happy... and upon realising that, seeing how much everyone else chases after that one pointless emotion just seems so utterly bizarre. Like they're just drug-addicts.
@@SotiCoto happiness is an emotion, nothing else You can pretty much view it as a positive upgrade in a video game, it's good, but it's not much of a problem if you don't acquire it I don't exactly want nor do I not want happiness, if I am given happiness, I'm ok Viewing life as a game may seem negative, it is but it's not really that bad Just that some people made that view negative People may live life as a game, but each people still have their own ways of playing a game Invest in it, be kind in it, be absolutely devious, it's your way of playing it
@@A207.: Not acquiring it isn't a problem for me personally, but people wanting it is so thoroughly endemic in common thought that people just do not and cannot understand the idea of not wanting it. I've had people throw fits and accuse me of trolling them in real life because I said I didn't want to be happy. They just couldn't wrap their head around it and just got angry at me instead.... and I don't want that either. Emotions are tiring. I don't like them.
This reminds me of watching Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. And I started to cry - not dramatically just tears collecting in my eyes- at the rock scene…. It was such a relief and the way it resonated with me… that’s all I wanted.
What I thought about the desire to not exist was that you just wanted to die. I then went through it. I found that I am scared of death, so that wouldn't be it. Now I think about it as "I don't want to die, but rather, I just don't want to be here." As if you are in a really bad family reunion.
yeah sums it up perfectly, death is not the thing most of us seek, we just don't want to be in ''this'' world, this world has no justice, no fairness, no loyalty and no love but that is full of greed, selfishness, lies, lust and cruelty, they say life is short but that is a lie too average human lives at least 60-70 year or so if not for other reasons for premature death and yes compared to eternity it is short but with our sense of time it is far too long to bear with it.
I think that in the series Rei is that representation of someone with no desires. And it is numbing for the most part, until the end, when she is confronted with the fact that she is lonely and has a "heart full of sadness", as the invading angel says. Then the charade is over, and emotion flows. The thing is, even in the numb stages of her life, she's always questioning her existence. I wonder how many people's like that in real life.
I'm glad to see somebody talking about this, however my desire functions differently. I'm tired of experiencing earth. It's as if I've been logged in to a video game for far too long, and want it to just stop. I don't relate to my main character here, and It's rather torturous having to play the part. Sadly I now have a best friend who depends upon me, and I fear my exit from this world has been made more complicated. I just want to log out and never come back now. I used to want a break, but I got my fill of this bad thing. It's funny that I'm so optimistic for earth as well. I just don't want to live in such a hard-sci-fi story, I want to live in a deep fantasy story.
I understand not relating to your main character, as if we’re two different beings. If “I” left the world, the people around me would mourn my body, but not my existence. At least thats how i feel rn.
@@Marcuss99 That's something that troubles me as well. I don't feel anybody would mourn my actual self, they'd just mourn my body and what character I played.
@@RinoaL I used to feel this way.. I still struggle with those thoughts sometimes, but as mentioned toward the end of the video: I made the choice to continue putting my trust in others until I found people who accept and love me no matter what. I’ve shared some of my deepest thoughts with them, my struggles, the things I thought I would never tell anyone, and I’ve found some really good friends who not only still care for me but see me in a positive light. It’s still mind-blowing to me that someone can know the things I’ve done and still call me a remarkable person or still want to be a close friend. For me, it started with the courage to be honest with myself and others about what I’ve experienced, done, thought, and felt. And seeing others accept that gave me the hope that I can accept it as well. I hope you can share and enjoy the existence of your true self. Someone would be very lucky to get to know that person.
If it makes you feel any better, assuming humanity gets the good ending, you will likely have the option to live out a fantasy existence in virtual space and redefine yourself in that lens. Until we reach that point, there's of course the various fantasy escapes we have available, DnD being the most significant in my eyes. I don't say this to belittle your belief of course, I've felt exactly what you've felt as well. The despair of having to live a role you don't want to play. An unwilling puppet. All I can say is that, if you truly feel this way, it may be time to do something radical to allow yourself the space to redefine your character. Sometimes this requires literally new space, moving to a new location where you don't know anyone. Going on a solo trip can give you a taste of this, of being around exclusively people who have no idea who you are, and therefore no predisposition to treating you as this character you've grown tired of. Even if you love them, the people who are familiar with you will always see in the way they've seen you in the past, and this makes it near impossible to truly reinvent yourself. If this feeling of despair persists, for your health and the betterment of all, it may be time to change your world to change your self. This is a big suggestion coming from a random stranger, I know. All the same, I'd urge you to consider a trip at least, to get a taste of what I mean, and allow yourself to truly become someone new, someone you'd like to play instead of you. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace in this world and in the next.
Beautiful. I was caught off guard right at the beginning when you said, "A Cruel Angel's Thesis". I laughed, knowing it was a banger of a song from Neon Genesis. As the video went on, I was forced to think deeper about my own self worth and the meaning of the anime itself, which I didn't understand at the time I watched it. I knew the show meant something that wasn't in front of my face, but did not know how to face nor describe it. This video gave me a comparison, a connection I hadn't felt before. It gave me a goal.
If you like both Omori and Evangelion you might also like Puella Magi Madoka Magica. It’s also a psychological thriller and touches the topics of depression, soul, hope and despair. The characters are really well-written too.
Dammit, my friends have been begging me to watch it I'm gonna binge all 12 episodes in one sitting soon, I just need to find time around work and school lmao
@virp_alo I'm not emotionally stable, but that does not stop me from challenging myself lmao I'll check in once I've watched the show to let you know how I feel, I hope it's truly life changing as my friends say lol
@@blokvader8283 well have fun then and seriously, please let me know what you think about it I’m really curious (I got my friend to watch Rebellion with me but she didn’t really understand much of it but neither did I at my first watch, it gets better with every rewatch). Also if you have a chance I recommend watching the movie adaptation the music is even better 😌
@@virp_alo Okay... just finished "My very best friend" and that was the best 4 and a half hours of my life lmao Genuinely one of the best things I've ever watched. The characters are great, the animation is gorgeous, that fucking story and those twists are just... insane. Pretty much every thought I had of what the series would be... just wasnt it. The only other anime I've watched is JoJo and One Piece, so I'm pretty used to light hearted stuff, and this gets so goddamn tragic. I can't even really feel bad for character deaths, because they've died countless times over and over again, and are fated to pretty much not exist by the end. This series was incredible, I'm so glad I experienced it. Also, I love the fact that the character's you think are gonna be "villains" like Homura and Kyoko end up having been allies the entire time, that was really interesting. Is there anything else to it though? Madoka Magica's icon is Madoka in her Magical girl outfit, which only shows up at the very end (another really surprising thing for me) some of the pacing felt weird, so I just wonder if there's more to it than just the twelve episodes. Tbh I would love to spend more time with the witch ass kicking we got at the beginning before Mami... you know. Anyway, that was an unforgettable experience, and despite being the depressed and not mentally great person I am, I enjoyed it and am doing well C: Have a great day, I'm gonna go hang out with my friends now before Kyuubei takes their souls as well
I was just beginning to write a novel about a character growing content with existence. I have a lot to learn from this video, and from the sources you provided. Thank you.
Funny thing I was actually also thinking of writing my thoughts into some sort of story because I struggle to express my thoughts and feelings I've had boiled up for years now The thing is I know that I am miserable, I know many of the things told, still I don't feel any relieve or happiness, I don't understand myself at all
I've just become chronically aware I have nothing of real value to add to the world. I'm effectively useless, since I'm not capable of being anywhere near my ideal self.
What I usually feel more than the desire to not exist is the desire for me to just disappear from the world while still existing. It's a bit confusing but it's like wanting to be in a third person view of the entire world and seeing how they would continue without me. Of course I know that's impossible but it can't hurt to dream.
this is literally why i’m anorexic. i don’t wanna live the life i’m living, but i don’t wanna die. starving feels like slipping between life and death and being able to re-enter the world at any point simply by eating. it gives me chills to hear it explained.
Man. I almost started crying. This was the first video to ever do that with out being like a purposeful sad one. It hit a cord with me. It answered so many questions I have. The feeling of not wanting to exist but not wanting to kill my self is all to real. I don’t want to die. Far from it, I just don’t want to exist. Just blink out. But then the finality of it all. I don’t want to be gone for ever just don’t want to be me anymore. I have tons of good things in my life, my life isn’t even that bad, I have greats friends, I have a promising future, but I just don’t want to exist (sometimes). This is probably some kind of depression. And doing things for other people and being told “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” and how it’s such a twisted thing. I don’t know what I want to do in my life but eveyone wants to push me different ways and I’m not doing it for me. I’m going to college for something I’m interested in but I don’t actually want to go, it what someone else wants for me. I’ve become apathetic to many things, but I care to much at the same time. Everything I want in contradictory. I started ranting and spilling my guts there at the end. But I wanted to say thank you for making this and that it hit a cord with me that just resonated hard. Thank you
I forgot about the being desired part. Yeah. That’s what I crave and want so often. Am I desired, do people desire me, to be around me, to love me. I’m i desirable is something I’ve asked my self so so many times
Thanks for writing this, i feel the exact same, every single word. As long as we exist, if we don’t disappear as we want (lol) know that Im with you, and its alright, its ok.
I understand how you feel very well bu something sparked a question in me. Why don't you want to go to college if you're interested in that path? Is there something that you like more than that perhaps something that would not require college or is it just not motivating enough for you to go through college?
This really resonated with me. As a person who has become increasingly frustrated with (what I believe) mankind's apparent desire to throw itself into continuing turmoil through one reason or another, I find myself on a plateau where I am no longer able to express what I want out of life, so I spend my days contemplating it whilst simultaneously trying to escape the reality that surrounds me by throwing myself into video games as often as I can. Is that healthy? No, not really. But it eases the burden of trying to place myself in a world that feels so alien to me. This is not meant to be a preachy "I'm better than everyone else" thing whatsoever, this is me just being as matter of fact as I can be. I used to know what I wanted, but now I would have to sit down and think for a good long time before I was able to give an answer that wouldn't be considered some sort of suicidal thought to an outsider.
Bro go to the gym, hit a workout or something. It is the lack of purpose that you don't want to exist, because if you had something to exist for, you wouldn't think so. Games only will get you deeper into your problem in that case.
As much as I hate advices like "bro, just go outside and do something", I am going to agree with Jonclash. When you lose the concept of meaningfulness, another concept appears - enjoying the journey. Just like walking in the park, it has no meaning or purpose, it's just you, doing what you like in this park. Maybe you want to sit on the grass, maybe you want to work out - you are doing it for yourself. Indulging in escapism through playing games 24/7, you are robbing yourself of the journey. I know, because when someone manages to bring me outside somewhere, where I feel comfortable, I am alive again, and the lack of meaning doesn't scare me. It's only when I lock myself in my room, watching RUclips all day, I experience this existential dread and suicidal thoughts. Because there is no meaning AND no journey. What else your mind is supposed to do? Sure, playing games 24/7 could potentially be your style of "walking in the park", but it must be your conscious, healthy choice, that did not come from the need to escape it all, which is definitely not the case here. Don't rob yourself of your beautiful meaningless journey. Go outside. Hit the gym. Visit your closest friends. Go meditate on grass. Feel alive again. It's very hard, especially now, but it's worth it.
@@tenshiharuno1184 I fully agree with your comment, it's great advice! The key to avoid nihilistic thoughts is distraction. Tiring your body and your mind out with exercise and activities is useful, and it produces chemicals that will make you feel more balanced. A healthy nutrition is also useful to achieve that balance. It's definitely not a 'fix'. The world is still messed up, mankind's tendencies are still awful, but at least you can make the most out of your time here. Find things that you like, that may be video games, but you said you're using those as a (kind of unhealthy) coping mechanism. There are endless possibilities besides the finality of death. I've also experienced despair at the meaninglessness of it all, but after a long time of self-reflection and contemplating the world around me, I figured I might as well stick around and see what I can get out of life. I'm not into philosophy, but I think Epicurus was onto something with his hedonism. His view was that pleasure and pain are so important to human existence that all our actions are governed by seeking pleasure and trying to avoid pain (both physical and mental). Epicurus also saw the absence of pain as a pleasure in itself. By avoiding pain, you can enjoy life.
🤝 i just turned 18 and i already want to die. i definitely lack purpose and the fact that i used to be so passionate about many things only makes me feel worse. i've also been indulging in escapism by watching random movies and playing video games. i just want to die. reading the other comments made me feel a little hope tho. but i still cant figure out how i will get back my motivation to live and actually do these things to make myself better. i see no point in trying to be better as i've failed myself over and over. i barely know why i do this to myself.
God this video summarized how I’ve felt since I was 13. Turning 28 in two weeks. Having adhd adds a layer of ennui and restlessness. Finding substances to numb your pain so you can want, desire, care, and feel absolutely nothing. It’s not enough to be happy or content, but the finality of death is horrifying as well. Existence is exhausting, and they’re definitely good parts but sometimes you want to treat it like game you can opt out of. The powers that be already play with your lively hood, so why can’t we just quit? Edit: Hey so I got diagnosed with autism recently so this explains a lot.
@@emmaloraa because life feels like you’re a passenger in your own body. Being of the world but not apart of it. It’s not exactly sad more than it is existential IMO. Like observing yourself interact with life through a screen. It feels isolating and so incredibly bland.
I've always found the idea of not existing peaceful. For me, not existing is just being part of the universe you have no thoughts no feelings no brain. Its hard to truly describe but its just as if you were just another breeze in the wind. I think of it as your just not sentient. I love that idea.
Same-ish. I see it as just this numb state of pure existence. Like, floating in a void. No thoughts, no emotions, just "be"ing. The nothingness of breathing in a void, unable to think or act.
@@ZizZap4that's clearly not non-existence. There is no you, no being, no peace, no "void", no anything at all in nonexistence. Having some kind of eternal slumber or whatever is still having existence, albeit passive one....and that's what many seem to imply here rather than true nonexistence.
God, I'm in such a low place right now. I can't express how much this video helped me to feel better. During the 15 minute span of this video, I went from feeling like a pile of slime to feeling kinda ok. For me, that's a huge jump in mood. Thank you so much for making this.
@@christianwalters2226Don't worry you're not alone, some people think women don't feel like this. But I do all the time, watching my favorite game streamer "CaseOh" on RUclips always helps me when I'm feeling lonely, you should try watching him he's a life saver.
When I was young and had trouble falling asleep at night I would attempt to imagine what it would feel like to just not exist. I would get so upset that I couldn’t remember what it was like to not exist despite having not existed only a few years prior. It’s kinda funky to think about it now but sometimes I still think about it.
It's interesting how even so young some can have very complex thoughts like the ones you had without even being able to truly comprehend how large the idea and concept of said things are. I had a similar experience when I was younger
For me, suicidal is a methord of asking for help. When i watched 'call me by your name', the quote that really stuck out to me was 'is it better to speak or to die', and looking back, ive never related to a quote more than this. I dont want to ask for help, i dont want to reach out: i want to show i need help. And if attempting is a methord, then i suppose its the most logical step.
I think that the “help” is an illusion , if is not the help the one does for himself, the others can just think they can help. We can only choose to live or to die and both options need bravery.
I've always felt extremely reflected in Shinji, even when I was just a kid. That fear of the Other, seeing myself from the outside. The constant fear of others' expectations. The worry of not having any desirable qualities. The "you don't love anyone, you'll just run to anyone". It's... honestly, almost hard to watch. And it's not subtle, y'all. I can guarantee that a LOT of the things from Shinji's inner monologues (and dialogues with his mental image of the Other) are likely word by word taken by things that Anno himself thought.
Fear of other expectations is an extremely powerful force on your life I know, but if you make decisions based on what others expect of you, you will be the one that has to live with them, not them. :)
that’s like telling someone who is another room while “you two are desired to have aloneness, “nothingness”, “just complied pillars of the void” technically you tell a friend to just forget about you forever, forever, forever and just ignoring all the memories you’ve had with you to be subconsciously forgotten, and “fading out from existence as we’d just know it”, “we’re tired of it being so fortunate to be forgotten, invisible and empty shell.
My feeling used to be "I just wanna have never existed at all" I don't want to hurt my family, but I managed to narrow it down to "I want to scream without being heard"
Shouldn't it be the opposite? I think we're all screaming to some degree without being heard. There's a quote it resembles, men live lives of quiet desperation, or something to that effect. I think what we really want IS to be heard, truthfully, instead of through the imperfect filters of our monkey-mouthed languages and separate interpretations.
For me I just want to go back in time and prevent myself from coming into this world. I just want my every existence from my past, present, and future to be void.
this reminds me of the time I was at the beach and was floating on my back and decided to take a nap, it was so peaceful, prolly the most peaceful thing I've ever experienced, my ears were underwater so I couldn't really hear, and such, it was amazing, especially since I felt like I could just float away in the ocean and disappear peacefully
I used to come home from work late at night in the summer when the water in the pool was body temperature. I would leave the lights off and slip into the body-temperature water and just float. Not quite sensory deprivation, but peaceful.
I’ve had a similar experience. It was a lake in Costa Rica and it was after sunset. We were there to see bioluminescence and before it was too dark we were allowed to just swim around for a bit. I swam a small distance from the beach and just floated. I closed my eyes and my ears were submerged. I have never felt as at peace as I did in that moment. I wish I could feel that peace again. Things are not great right now but as Dory said I need to just keep swimming lol.
this is why i put a lot of value on forms of escapism. they’re so important to me because when i use them, i’m not in this world anymore. i’m just floating in my own reality of pure bliss.
@@Heightofacloud This meditation creates a distance between the mind and body which are the only to ways you can suffer, giving you a lot of freedom in daily life. Any sort of compulsion goes down and your mind becomes more clear and naturally is joyful. I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety and isha kriya helped me out of it. If you want you can do it for a certain period of time and see how you feel during the day, then you can decide if you want to drop it or keep doing it.
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vacuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
i don’t have the desire to die or fall asleep forever. i just sometimes desire to evaporate as if i had never existed in the first place. i’ve felt a lot of that lately and i don’t understand the cause, but i’m trying.
You know, I used to have a lot of that feeling and upon analyzing it I realized that a lot of it is associated with a profound sense of burden. As you yourself emphasized, you want to disappear "as if you never existed". That is, such an allegation carries a charge of resentment. Resentment for past mistakes, resentment for unfulfilled expectations, resentment for not knowing how to deal with the impotence you have with the direction of your life. I believe that this desire to not exist can be summed up with the anguish of not being able to control certain anxieties and guilt. That's why many invoke the Myth of Sisyphus as a countermeasure: to try to overcome the anguish caused by something beyond your control or that has been resolved a long time ago and only you remember.
The cause is obvious. We're all made to do things we don't want to since ther very beginning. We have little control over how we want things to go in our life. People like to hurt others a lot nowadays, etc.
When I was a young child, I was quiet and kinda somber. However people didn't like me because I was like that, so I took on a jokester role. Never serious. I'm 20 now and that has taken a TOLL. I feel split between the personality I've cultivated and the person I still am deep down. And that struggle to be who I am and escape the person i pretend to be makes me wish I didn't exist. At least then I wouldn't have to feel this struggle between who I am and who I've become.
It’s generally the same with me. I don’t know how to relate or foster typical conversations with people without having a skew of my inflated personality i crafted myself. And because of how I grew up, and the person I turned myself into, I barely know myself - despite living in my own head and (in my opinion atleast) constructing all of my own problems. I created a person that was in and of itself a people pleaser at my own expense and grew up in a way that I never had to care about making decisions on my own. Now, I am 20 and on my own in the real world. I live by myself away from family and generally struggle in most aspects of life. I come home from work and I… sit. Or I drive, but I don’t go anywhere. It’s the same as sitting in my room, just fancier. The monotony of nothing hehe. So I suppose I often ask myself, so what? How can you change? And the answer is I don’t know. Or rather, I don’t want to know? Because executing that answer takes effort to break out - motivation which I don’t have. It’s all so simply really when it comes down to it. Seek help, take the few aspects of my life seriously, but… what if this and what if that? Currently I work in a place where seeking help may be detrimental. Currently I have opportunities lined up that could spell out a path for a productive future - yet I know without help I won’t achieve anything to the best of any ability I might have. Recently I thought I had found a great relationship with someone, but it fell apart as quickly as it came up and I can only sit and think that I was to blame, naturally. And when I have nothing to do after I’m done with work, what else is there to do then sit in my own darkness and stare into the void? All thanks to the person I created at the time years ago to procure atleast a sense of social involvement. I’m no longer in an environment where I can just show up, make people laugh, and go home without taking care of myself or my future. Yet I don’t know how to move on, so here I am. Non existence would be the ideal, and in some ways I technically already do not exist. Who am I? Haha, that’s really it. I don’t exist, I don’t even know who I am
@@UnOfficiallyRekt I hope you can find yourself someday. I can kind of relate to your struggles, but thankfully I've been able to discover who I am. I hope you can discover it too, because it's horrible to feel like you don't even know yourself, despite being with yourself 24/7.
I have always struggled with social anxiety and so I ended up distancing myself from others. Being around people felt like I was constantly being judged and had expectations put on me that I had to conform to. I always felt like for me to "fit in" I had to put on an act of some sort, but this resulted in me feeling inadequate, like I was never myself. There was a period of time where I would go to bed and cry every night and put myself down telling myself that I need to do better, be less anxious, be more social, be honest with myself and others. I haven't managed to talk to anyone about it, I'm always anxious of "what will they think?", but in the end it doesn't matter. I just haven't found the person to open up to.
I am afraid, but you may very while never find the right person to open up to. Do not leave it to chance, for it can fail you, and if you do not believe in the Lord, leave it to yourself, because once you start talking once, you may find it hard to shut your mouth.
I feel you, I was like "I shouldn't have talked like that, maybe they think I'm bad..?" And end up beating myself up that I was bad and I'm not able to fulfill their desires that they had put on me.. It feels really bad.. moreover it's a loop..
Same here. For me, thining that the person will forget everything about this moment, about the conversation we had, my emotions, everything, calmes me down. It will happen. No human on earth is able to remember every single detail about you and tell it another being that is capable of remembering like him. Every conversation I have is meaningless, a way to make people feel comfortable around me for a short period of time, a need that they want you to fullfill for them. Maybe this is Nihilstic, maybe i get the idea of nihilism wrong and youll correct me in a reply. But most definitely you will forget about this comment on this video on this Plattform.
See I have a social anxiety disorder and I tell everyone about it, not to be the "oh don't do this around me, here's my list of requirements in order to speak to me etc......type of person, but because people are genuinely interested, opening up about it has opened a lot of doors for me. For context I've lived with it for the vast majority of my life and it wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's when I was being treated for depression, I always knew there was something off with me but I never really knew what, I just knew I didn't enjoy life the way the majority of people seem to. After several rounds of counselling and finding the right medication I'm doing much better now, got married last year and can manage my disorder without professional help, so I'll tell you this, things will never, ever get any better for you if you don't work for it, if you'd like to speak to someone about it then do, I'll gladly listen, but alas I'm just some chud on a youtube comment section so it's not ideal.
I never knew what I wanted out of my life, nor did I have ambitions. I went along with what others told me would be the best for my future, since they at least painted a path that rationally made sense. Many sacrifices and support was given to me to get me where I was. Somewhere along the path I had an existential crisis where I felt that desire to simply stop existing. I was doing things for the sake of others. Because I felt like I owed them everything they have done for me. The least I could do is fulfill their wishes. The least I could do is keep myself alive for their sake. I eventually couldn’t keep up with it after falling in self destructive behaviors, that provided me escapism. I felt like a failure, and was struck with guild and shame. I continued to live my life in the present moment; Thinking about my future would spiral me into anxiety and depression, so I would avoid those thoughts. To make a long story short, I realized that my desire in life is to simply be. I at least assume this is the case since I love leisure so much. I feel like it provides me with a sense of freedom. As I’m writing this, I notice that maybe what I want is still the same desire of existence without the need of living or dying. It’s just being expressed in a roundabout way.
never thought someone would describe the way i feel so accurately, your experience is unique and only yours, but i would like to let you know that i feel just like that but i cant ever write that down because im too tired and struggling to express emotions
@@ninicoh A lot that is stuff I too have thought and felt on multiple occasions, almost word for word even. The fact that the thought processes of multiple different people seem to converge here is... something (be that interesting, eerie, reassuring, unremarkable, or otherwise; I don't know).
thank you for expressing yourself. You've provided me with the right words to express myself too, since i've never been too smart with words. I hope it gets easier for you all, cuz i certainly hope it does for me
Broke down into tears after discovering this is the feeling I have been having for years now. Thank you for this discussion. I hope we all get better soon.
When depression is at it's worst, I'm just so tired. Someone asked "Well, what do you want out of life?" My first thought was, "To sleep until I die then die in my sleep." I shocked myself when I realized it was more honest than anything else I could've thought up.
There is a paradox I live in, and I think it sort of relates to this desire. The entire reason I'm alive now is my loved ones, for the desire to not see them grieve me. When I am at my worse I contemplate a sort of exit strategy, making each and everyone of them absolutely dispise me one way or another, so I can slip out of life a man that nobody misses. But at that very same time, if I do go through with my exit, I fear in that very moment, when all the strings are cut, I'll realize that I want to live, I'll want to go back to those people that I pushed away in order to die. But without them I'll have already been dead. I dunno it doesn't make sense but the essay got me thinking
It does make sense bro, dont worry, I feel very similar. I do the same, I make people hate me when I feel empty so it will be easier to go for both me, and them. However, I am never able to actually execute what I have planned, because I dont want the people I love(d) to remember me the way I would have been in the end, an absolute asshole. This is an endless cycle of selfishness for me. I hurt people to make it easier for me, but in the end it is all for nothing. Still, I keep repeating that, because I just dont know any other way I could help myself. I know what I have to do, but my selfishness and my lack of strenght wont let me do it.
What they think, what you think, what they do, what you do none of it really matters. After all sun's gonna explode devouring the entire rock we live on rn and till then none of those people whom you care about will be there. It's all temporary.
I had felt like this for a significant amount of time, I know your situation might seem daunting and you might feel like there is no "solution" to your paradox, but I very much believe the opposite. It's hard to put it into words but I'll give it my best (: All in all I think that, in order to overcome your paradox, you'll have to find an ultimate meaning of your life, so that your paradox itself becomes obsolete. To find this "ultimate meaning", I think all you gotta do is figure out what kind of person you really are, and if you can do that you'll be able to follow your heart, and pursue something that you are truly passionate about. I'm not sure which of these following points are more significant, but I think that'll probably differ from person to person so here goes: Firstly, I think that it's crucial to put yourself in a position where, counterintuitively, you are bound to certain responsibilities and challenges. By this I mean for example applying for a job or taking up a hobby that seems like a misfit for you, for me this was a job as a dancing teacher, even though I had considered myself a severely introverted person. By putting myself in this position, over time I was able to develop a mindset that made me look at every challenge as an opportunity to grow, instead of just a "task". Since you really do seem like a person that cares deeply for other people's feelings, I think this next point will resonate well with you. I believe that it's important to develop a sort of "mature" naivety. What I mean by this, is that you respect every person and every thought that every person has equally. Deriving from this is the importance of honesty. In my mind, if you lie to someone, regardless of whether or not you think it's in their best interest, you are showing a lack of respect to that person. By this I do not mean to say that you should tell the people you want to push away about your paradox, since that can seem very scary and I myself have never done so. I think that it is perfectly reasonable to talk to someone anonymously, for me this would be people I had met on the internet, or even writing in a notebook and looking at the notes in different states of mind to soberly declare if those notes are reasonable. So, alltogether you should attempt to pursue your passions and formulate your thoughts and feelings with feedback. I want to add though that this is has only helped myself, and I can not guarantee any of the same effects for you, but I really hope that my thoughts can help you even the slightest bit!! :D
I experienced deep shame and depression due to childhood trauma for many years. As a result I was a lot like Shinji. My value came from how useful I was to others. When I was in moment of uselessness I felt like I had no self value. A few breakdowns and attempts to end it all later, I finally had a breakthrough. I realized that for as long as I was ashamed to be my authentic self and received value from others instead of inward, I would always be depressed and constantly yearning for nothingness. And then it finally happened. I had a fork in the road. Do I continue to live in shame but knowing I was now the cause of it; or do I act on my new found knowledge and accept myself for who I am. I finally decided if I was going to live, I was going to BE myself. Fast forward a few years and I have not had a breakdown or any attempts since. I'm sharing this because while the video is unfortunately a bit hard to digest, I really enjoyed the exploration and the ending as someone who has also lived through this. :)
Wow, I really don't have words to explain how this video has helped me. Right now I'm having rough times and wow. Thanks it's the only thing I can think of sfter watching this video
It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. The way you phrased it and explained it all really resonated with me. Thank you for your hard work :)
There are many people who feels like you. I've read some mangas where some of the characters feel bored, not interested in life, no goals, and feel fine if they had never existed
@@Boiled-Oden (It’s a bit long sorry) It’s comforting to me because someone understands what I’ve been feeling without me having to fumble with my words to try to explain it. I’ve often felt isolated and lonely. In my personal experience, the words people I know have offered for comfort seem placating instead of genuine. So the fact that someone described exactly the way I’ve been feeling makes me feel heard and seen. The acknowledgment makes me feel like there’s nothing inherently wrong with me or that I’m making something up. I know they understand because their words resonated with me. I guess it’s a bit like someone holding my hand, it helps me hang on a little longer while I figure everything out.
When I was younger (21 now) I would always imagine what it would be like if I was reincarnated as a dog. Life simplified as a pet in a family where I'm loved and no one expects anything from me. Slowly as I got older this idea morphed into more of wanting to go to sleep and never waking up. It's not that I wanted to die, it's just peaceful when I'm not concious. I literally don't feel. My childhood was in no way traumatic, yet I had these desires. Even now I feel like I want something like eternal sleep, but at the same time I want to evolve as a person and become the best version of me. Not really sure where I thought I was going with this comment but I just wanted to express why I the title of the video resonated with me.
same ive wanted to be a cat on several occasions before just so i can do just about anything and still be loved and cared for, where theres no expectation or needs projected onto me. ive also felt the want to never wake up especially when i have a really good sleep and i want to be in that state forever, that's subsided now tho cus ive been dreaming everyday now and sleeping as a whole has become a chore. i think my problem stems from my family even though i never thought it to be, my therapist recently pointed out a few points that i never thought to be out of place or odd at all. i do recommend checking in therapy at least for a couple of sessions if you can just cus theres a lot of things you cant see because you don't have reference to what things should be like. for example i never realized how distant my parents were as a problem, even though ive noticed it throughout childhood it never crossed my mind as something that could be the reason for my lack of emotions towards romantic relationships. sorry i rambled youtube makes me trauma dump
I have a loving mother, grandparents, nice childhood, good friends.. And I "literally" don't deserve it. Ever since I was born everything's been given to me and it's made me a shit person, their decent people but they shouldn't have had me All my life I've been nothing but a parasite just a worthless piece of trash, just a scared little boy who can't grow up.. doesn't WANT to grow up I'm so bitter and filled with rage I just don't understand why. I tell them I'm ok.. "Outside" I smile 😊 "Inside" I'm hollow, no feeling no heart I'm just a fuckin monster.
For me this feeling was not solely the desire of experiencing nothing, but the idea of having my memory being forgotten, so that when I die, no one can get sad or traumatized. Whether that be by someone losing themselves to grief, or simply coming across the body and having the image stick to their mind, or just having a bad memory directly caused by me. If no one remembers I existed, no one can be hurt. It's terrifying yet comforting at the same time
I think that's what stops some minds of diving too deep on suicidal ideation, they are so focused on pleasing others to feel some selfvalue that they can't allow themselves to dissapear and leave a trail of pain and suffering for the ones around them. I've felt that, I think I get what you refer to and yes, it's terrifying yet comforting to know one wouldn't be so fast and impulsive towards suicide or selfharm, for whatever reason our mind clings onto.
I use to feel this deeply, and felt completely untethered from society entirely. I moved away from my hometown & started fresh, found who I was outside of my own bubble, and still felt it. Deep down, I was denying my own identity & just quit caring about what anyone thought of me, did whatever felt as close to my own self, and 2018 discovered something I’d long denied. I’ve been living my authentic self & still don’t have any social connection but I don’t feel as strong as I used to about simply wanting to end existence. I was never wanting to end it by my own hand, but if it happened then so be it. Now: I’m living each day as if tomorrow IS my last but focusing on making life for others something worth living, which gives me some sense of purpose/desire.
I feel like the part of it that can't be understood by those who haven't experienced it is simply how not-circumstantial it can be, and how guilty that can make you feel. I've dealt with depression for most of my life. I have an amazing wife, a great job, I love our home and our life. But sometimes, regardless of all of it, I just want to lay face-down on the ground and wait out the heat-death of the universe. And feeling that way when by all accounts you have a great life carries so much guilt. How dare I feel that way, with my great life, when there are those whose circumstances are so much worse than mine desperately pleading for just one more moment? Who am I to not value what I have while walking past the homeless, the alone, those whose time is fleeting and running out? But it isn't logical. You can't just... logic your way out of feeling this existential desire to just... quit. And as many of the other comments have specified, I don't want to die. I have no desire to actively take my own life. But if I could just... lay down and fast forward to the end? I can't guarantee I wouldn't take that deal.
I literally just "prayed" to whatever entity might exist to just let me sleep tonight and not wake up. I know I won't kill myself (again at least, it's been years) It's not my first time to just want to go not exist
I'm in a similar boat. My life by almost all accounts is pretty great. The pains that I endure on a daily basis are more or less self inflicted and in my head. I felt immense guilt over feeling this way in the first place, which only makes it worse. I have people who love me and care about me and want to support me, and all I can think is that I'm letting them down.
@@MissPoplarLeaf you can not compare pain because the only real pain is the experience. If you feel it and it hurts then it is real and valid. You may have a “pretty great life” but pain exists within the mind and nothing on this Earth can completely erase it. Please don’t feel guilty- you don’t deserve pain just as you wouldn’t deserve it if you had nothing. Some say it’s unfair that people with good circumstances can be just as sad as those in bad circumstances. Because what do they have to feel sorry for? But the point of pain is that it’s not fair and it happens to all of us and can happen at anytime. While this can feel frightening and overwhelming, it can also be a comfort that you don’t need to feel shame or guilt for your pain. I really hope that you will start feeling better - you’re so strong for carrying on no matter what anyone says. Sorry for the paragraph haha
As a person that struggled with depression the urge to not exist was a routine for me. Thinking about not existing was like brushing my teeth - It was something I was thinking about on autopilot. If someone who's reading this struggles with something like this - if you want to change you're gonna change. I know the pain might be comfortable but healing is much better, trust me.
I was the exact same. I got used to the desire to not exist and it kinda just became a part of me. It got a bit better when i cut off all of my friends and moved to a new city, but I fear that it's coming back. As well as depression. The distraction of meeting a lot of new people and living in a new environment is fading, and it's becoming more and more clear that my attempt to escape failed.
@@sand2.061 To be honest I kinda feel the same way, I keep myself distracted with making music so that helps. There are some bad days when I can't come up with new ideas - then I slowly start to go back to that dark place. If I could give someone an advice on how to get better is to just start doing something new. Going outside your comfort zone is the best thing there is tbh.
@@prodby.dubski Thank you for the advice! I've been trying to go out and experience the world a bit more. I'm also a musician. Music has saved my life a couple of times and I'm very thankfull for that. I wish you the best of luck finding a way of life!
@@prodby.dubski While I am religious, I do understand these people's want to "not exist". I was not in a good place for a while, some stuff happened, but in the end as I look back on it, it happened because there was no purpose for me. This is also why, aside from following Christ, I am a major supporter in more accessible mental health resources. We overlook it so much as a society as either "it doesn't work" or "It didn't help me" but in reality, you need to find the right type, and person to fit your needs. I hope these people get the help they need, makes me sad to know people are in such a state of mind due to the state of this world. God bless both of you.
You don't want to die. You just want peace. You want a peaceful life. A life with no struggles. A life with no problems A life with no judgementality. The life of peace. The life of normality. The life of harmony. Is that what you want? Isn't it?
It's good to see that other people are also struggling this way and I am not the only one. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming but other times I am content with life.
When I was a kid, I could never sleep at night. So I would wander around the house in the dark while everyone was sleeping. It was so quiet and peaceful. I started even going outside and hanging out in our boat in the yard….all by myself. It was too peaceful to be scary. To this day I am a night owl, and I always fantasize about a nice little room that reminds me of the boat I used to hide in at night like Peter Pan. I think it has something to do with our instinct to hide for safety from aeons of living with predators.🤷🏾♀️
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vaccuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
I think more accurately for me is that I don't care what the future will bring, I don't care for the small happy moments, life is boring and overwhelming at the same time. I don't care what others expect of me. I don't feel like existing. I don't want to experience anything, and I do not care to experience anything. Existence feels meaningless to me, I'm tired of it. My life has been a pretty average life, except for an event that could've given me trauma. I used to be sucidedal but soon got out of that mindset because I stopped caring about what others want from me and that my life wasn't as bad as I thought it was. But then I entered this state if mind. Carrying out my daily tasks, doing the same things over and over, feeling like doing nothing. I would go on RUclips but not feel like watching videos but then I kept asking myself, what else can I do anyway? I don't feel like going on my device everyday to distract myself anymore, but what else can I do anyway? Everything felt meaningless and pointless. I'll grow up get a job, make money, get anxiety over taxes, go to sleep. The same thing ever. Single. Day.
I really felt the part where you said "I would go on RUclips but not feel like watching videos". Living can be boring and overwhelming. This is exactly how I feel.
@@beyondthegrave124 ok I am actually asking rationally.... What kind of question is that? But since you asked, youre getting the answer. I have a family. But tbh I don't care abt that reason, I would've been gone 3 years ago but I am scared of the pain more than the death itself. I don't own a gun to do myself in the head and I wouldn't even know how to use one, I would injure myself before I could do myself in. I don't own poison or know how to get it, most likely illegal to own any where I live. The final reason is, death isn't enough, I need to cease to exist, no memories or belongings of me remaining behind, no rebirth if that exists. Who knows what awaits beyond death? I don't want to exist, if the afterlife exist, that's not where I want to go, and again no rebirth, so basically death is not enough. Because there's too many open possibilities, and I will still remain behind living in someone's memory. Ah I guess, I missed one other thing, even in this world that depends on repeating patterns and consistency, I have a goal that I set for myself and I want to achieve it before I leave this place, hopefully peacefully and painlessly. That's actually probably my biggest reason.
@@bangbangsomni think of it this way. Nothing matters in this world, with the way time works, our memory/memories of us will cease to exist sometime. Everything we do, say, feel won't mean anything in the next few hundred centuries or so. But this is just my mindset, by my logic what I just said won't matter either, so I don't know.
@@beyondthegrave124 you know what they say, what matters is the present, my family doesn't appreciate people who take their own lives, and I don't really want to leave with them asking countless questions as to why I decided to take my life when there is no reason. Or I guess the reason is life is pointless? I discovered something I want to accomplish, so I'm staying here until I do it.
There's something so.... Oddly poetic about have this recommended to me after finishing OMORI (a physiological horror game about a young boy and Omori. It's also shown in this video, that black and white, pencil drawn style boy with large empty black eyes seen lying in an empty white space) and sweeping up the feelings of that game and myself.
Boy in thumbnail is Shinji Ikari from Neon Genessis Evangelion! Its great psychological show about people dealing with lonelines, issues in conecting with others and self hatered, also its got traumatised children piloting giant cyborgs fighting against eldrich beings from higher plane of existance in post apocalyptic world, I recomend it!
when I was suicidal and depressed I felt so lost. I now know that I never really wanted to kill my self in the first place, I just didn't want to feel depressed anymore and didn't know any other way out of it. I didn't want to kill me I wanted to kill my perception of reality.
@@revolutioninc7081 your pretty much spot on, I didn't want to die but I wanted to kill my ego in a sense and after doing so I found that it wasn't even necisary and it's not really something to chase. and yeah it sounds like something a drug addict would say because it is, I went down a really bad path but am only just coming out the other end now
@@Indianacones2233 you would probably benefit from disassociating, or doing that thing where you stop processing being alive but continue existence, as a down bad individual who doesn’t have productive, solutionable or healthy means to cope all the time this has helped.
@@Indianacones2233 just noticed you wrote you wanted to kill your ego, I am not recommending anything but they say psychedelics like lsd or psilocybin have ego dissolving effects that rewire your brain even after the experience, as someone who has used substances like these in the past I’d say the prospective benefits for this field (or a field denoted for high similarity like ptsd) are worth self inquiry!
I loved the mention of omori- white space felt so peaceful and harrowing at the same time; just a nothingness space, exactly what sunny wanted, and what I have wanted before. such a hard feeling to put into words but omori and this video described it perfectly.
i completely agree. my friend that introduced me to omori now says that i'm obsessed, but it's provided me with a sort of comfort with tiny specks of relatability and i love it so much.
I remember often feeling like I wasn’t real, like I was in some kind of never ending dream. I still get this feeling sometimes in the form of numbness and feeling all my feelings all at once.
you are probably experiencing something called derealization depersonalization or dissociation some people call it. I remember feeling it as a child and I once smoked weed just to try it and I experienced it for years without end. you should probably not try drugs ever
Way I've seen it, Gendo's desires are a mirror of Shinji's own. He is essentially a dark reflection of his son and all of his avoidant personality traits, fear of being hurt again, and need for validation taken to their worst extremes.
Exactly this. The rebuilds especially highlight this idea of an extreme self, with Shinji and Gendo committing selfish acts for the sake of one person leading to catastrophe
For the past two years, I have been toggling between "I want to die" to "I don't want to exist". Evaporation into nothingness is far more appealing like you said but if I was told that tomorrow I would die, I would feel...relief. And that scares me and makes me feel selfish. I think the feeling of guilt is what is holding me back from taking that step but I don't know how long it will last. That is why I'm scared. I hope I find purpose: something to drive me other than guilt if I let go. I feel like I am trudging on with life...unhappily. I hope and pray that this is a phase. I feel like I've bored my best friend with conversations like these lol so it's nice to put it on the internet. At least someone would hear me. Great video by the way.
I just done from just sobbing in my car after reading this. I’m not alone I’m sorry idk if it’s right to feel like this it’s just someone finally put what I’m feeling into words I just couldn’t help but just cry thank you so much thank you
I've been like this since I was a teen and now I'm 27, like if someone told me Im going to sleep tonight and I don't wake up I will feel happy, and lately shit got worse but I'm still holding on and pushing through and doing my best with what I got and see what this life has to offer and just experience this reality, is it worth it?!? Who knows, all I know at least this is not forever
I’ve had such a problem with anger recently that I’ve had issues balancing and I even went temporarily blind… my quality of life is decreasing and I’m too exhausted to try to make new friends. not existing would be pleasant. I feel I’ve put more in than I’m getting out of this experience and I feel guilty for not wanting everything I’ve been given. I’ve seen it get better, but I always come back to this shattered, pathetic state. I just hope my next low isn’t this bad…
I've been through (and still am kinda going through it) a similar thing. But what got me through it is knowing that my sole purpose and definition in life is Jesus Christ. I am defined by my faith in Jesus as my Savior, and He has pulled me through the times when I feel purposeless and empty, feeling like a shell. I just wanna share with you the love of Christ, because it feels like you really need it rn like how I needed it and how everyone else needs it too. If you wanna talk about this, I'd love to as well, but idk how that would work out because I would rather not put my email here publicly for people to see, but if that's what it takes to help someone out, I'm more than willing to do that! I know i'm just some random guy on the internet though, so it's understandable if you think that's odd or something, but I just want to help if I can
A certain lyric sums the feeling up pretty well for me. "I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna try and live." Interestingly, the artist who wrote that has also worked with another guy who straight up mentions Shinji in one of his songs. They're the main reason I know anything about that character from Evangelion. Really well made video.
"There is no paradise for you to escape to. Go. Go back. Back to your battlefield."
This video took over 5 months of research, planning, and careful consideration. You can show your support and get behind-the-scene details on Patreon: www.patreon.com/ClarkElieson
It was an awsome video, good job
berserk?
Thank you for your considerate efforts, this video is very informational and (ironically) entertaining.
Just saying this is the first video I ever seen of yours and you should hundred percent become a teacher
Battlefield? Thats grim.
It's such a weird feeling to be suicidal but not want to literally die.
how about wanting to die but not being suicidal 😅 just a full life of mental suffering lol
if you know only pain for your entire life it's almost impossible to convince yourself you can get out of that pain. like, you have something like a splinter always hurting you deep in your flesh and somewhat logically you know that there has to be a condition where that pain is not there, aka the absence of the splinter, but you cannot understand that because it's totally autside of you sensory knowledge, you cannot explain the colors to a blind man. and then you are told that the only (possible, not sure keep in mind, possible) way to stop the pain is via a greater, longer pain aka the removal of the splinter, but that's not a 100% way to fix the problem and anyway, the splinter may be back at any given time. so you may find yourself in a situation where you are happy, and you don't understand you are. and that happened to me once. ONCE. in 30 years. 30 years of constant pain interrupted by a single, and bland moment of not-pain. so it's not wanting to die. it's wanting to not feel the pain of living in a prison for your mind, tortured by yourself, untill you die. that's what i feel.
pain is our safe place
@@matteoorlandi856I understand exactly where you are coming from, when you eventually are happy, it doesn’t last long because you are so used to being in pain that happiness begins to feel alien and like something is wrong, even if it is the only time you ever feel right.
We don't wanna die, we just wanna get relief.
Sometimes when my depression gets really bad, even laying down and doing absolutely nothing is still too much. Existing feels like work
Consider meditation. Try guided for starters. In addition, just try to take it easy on yourself.
I hope that you'll feel better.
I feel this all the time.
I feel this right now 😢
Yeah...
yes cause then you have to sit with your own thoughts.
We want to cease to exist, not because we are sad or suicidal. It's because we just want peace. Peace is the answer to this riddle.
My therapist told me today: so you don’t want to kill your self you just want to die. Sounds like you want just peace. And something in me clicked. Yea I want peace and I don’t now how to get it
@@TheLedaba Make that your hobby, find the thing, the place or experience that brings you peace, it'll be your favourite
but dont stop there, keep going, because you never know, you might stumble into an even better way to perceive peace
@@TheLedabaI concer
Yeah modern demands make you yearn for death because they can finally have a real moment of peace.
This comment hit me hard!! yeah I want peace
As someone with diagnosed dysthymia (aka persistent depressive disorder) at some point these thoughts go from earth-shattering to an annoying pop-up ad you briefly perceive before closing. When my PDD was starting to get bad for the first time, I would lie in bed feeling numb and hating myself. Now I’ll randomly get a thought that says “death is easier” and I tell myself to stfu.
I've been trying to get back there myself. Where I can stare in the void without fear, but it almost always has to get to a point of no return for me... once I hit that bottom, I can push off the ground and come back up to the surface. I just really wish I could float easier, like I perceive my jolly friends to be. Floating effortlessly. Not having to sink before I start fighting. I keep kicking frantically under water... but still. I don't want to die. Just want the pain to lighten a little. If you're struggling too, I hope you can always find the strength to come back up to the surface.
lol
You alright bro?
…
For me personally, I think it’s like I want to exist without consequences. It’s the desire to go where I want, do what I want, and live how I want without judgment or responsibility. I have struggled with people pleasing and social anxiety, so my mind eventually came to the conclusion that it would be better to just exist on my own, without others, free of consequence. But this has also made the concept of simply not existing seem enjoyable or peaceful as well.
Yeah I feel you, right now I want to play games and enjoy myself, but as a consequence then I will ignore my schoolwork and as a consequence of that I will lose money that I paid for the school. I wish to be constantly in a state of having no consequences and the easiest solution I have come to if I just didn't have a will to do anything and become a drone of some sort like the matrix, because I have a will to play games but my will to study for college is practically non existent.
same bruh
yeah, "I sorta want to be in my own bubble" is kinda how it feels. Its a place of comfort and self warmth wherein its just you yet you feel so full because its kinda just you.
I just want to live in my imagination.
I want to hole myself and be alone I do not wish to be with anyone else.
I would love to be a voiceless, bodyless spectator in everything. No horses in any race, just the ability to survey and learn from everything going on in the moment. It would be really enlightening
Delve into the psychedelic world and you might get what you desire.
@@gingersnapuu444 illusory transcendence.
@@normanclatcher they can literally allow you to experience exactly what they described in their comment.
I'd love to be a ghost with the power to kill worthless scum, slowly and torturously. I'd be content to remain an eternal spectre, forever, just to know I was the closest thing this cesspit had to a God.
This is literally God from platinum end. I too wish for this
Explained in a simple sentence
I dont want to die, I want the pain to go away.
What's the pain, can you explain it? Or is it just an imaginary illusion?
YES OH MY GOD literally why don't alot of people understand this 😭😭
@@arskandanpain could be anything. trauma, physical abuse, anything at all to emotional depravity to tiredness or despair or everything.
@@arskandan mental or physical pain, pain isnt exactly one thing alone
@@arskandan For me the pain is existence itself. Living. Being a free agent in the world inherently carries a burden, of reliance on others and being relied upon. Restrictions, freedoms, stress and joy. Everything we experience carries a weight and that's the pain. Bearing the burden of living
being depressed while having adhd is a torture. it's like a constant battle. I've never had a moment of peace in my entire life. feels like not existing could be my only shot at peace.
edit: later got diagnosed with autism and bipolar disorder. things are starting to make sense.
I find long hot showers help with mine and just letting out my emotions. Sometimes though it is even hard to gather the power of will to even get up to go to the shower though and letting out my emotions is difficult.
Untreated ADHD leads to depression, for rather obvious reasons when you break down the details.
Autism makes me very pedantic, I need to be productive or else I get unnaturally upset, which means when I have suicidal episodes and I CANT be productive ,it makes me feel like shit. I need order and routine, but often when I feel that way I am too tired to follow a strict time table. Its a vicious cycle
ADHD here, only diagnosed at 28 years old. I can't even begin to describe the amount of self hatred I've developed through the years..Not to mention the...bad thoughts. How I'd do it, you know? You're not alone, brother. If you or anyone in the comments here wants to talk, please reach out. I'm going to be here.
@@JeremyCoolDudehow someone knows if they have adhd or not !!
This is why I love staying up late at night. It's the only time of the day where I feel truly free, like a time where I can experience not existing for someone else for a while. It's also a way to "pause" the start of the next day. And watching the sun rise at 5am through my bedroom window, my AC running while I bury myself with my comforter, is when I'm most at peace.
Sounds really nice, i like the cold
What's interesting about this comment to me is that I relate so much to this, but I DON'T WANT to. It's funny cause it's late into the night right now as I type this. I usually stay up late to delay the next day like you said and it's the only time where I feel like I don't have to do anything. However... I don't want to be like that. I want to get up early in the morning and be productive and help people, yet I hold myself back from doing that for some reason. Idk im ranting
You mean procrastinating
@@aminububa851 yep, basically
It's 3:01 AM now!
I started from
"I want to die" to
"I don't wanna exist anymore" to "
"I don't wanna be here" to
"I don't like what's happening around me" to
"I just wanna be happy"
and now it's "i just wanna live".
I ain't as happy as I wanna be, but I now have things I want to do. And I write them down on my notes app because oftentimes I go back to that corner where life has no meaning and i just don't know why i exist. So when I read that notes app, I find that 'hey, there is something i wanna do. it's a short-term goal but it's a goal to do'
I am almost crying right now because it's so relatable
I started from
I don't want to suffer again
I don't want to feel it
I'm not feeling anything
Nothing matters
I don't want this world this feelings this life
I don't want to be me
I
And then bohemian rhapsody got it perfect
I don't want to die but sometimes I wished I was never born at all carry on carry on as if nothing really matters
And eventually exactly all the steps you listed
But I think I'm way ahead of you luckily for me
I love my life I wish I can live forever be immortal and hopefully the universe also never changes
My life almost couldn't be more perfect
Are you feeling better?
@@haseenafatima6131 im a college student so no.
Bro just like me fr
Optimistic nihilism... I'm doing the same
I'm always down for Evangelion analysis out of nowhere
Same here brotha, and a slice of philo too
We are (not) same
same dude. i'd reccomend a channel called BREADSWORD to you. he made a great video about NGE and Gurren Lagan, one of my fave NGE analysis vids out there
@@Sleeepehead Seen it, and I consider that the greatest video on this website
I feel you my man
Passive suicidality. That is what this is. I’ve dealt with it essentially all my life, not wishing for death, but wishing I had never existed at all. Dealing with suicidality and its passive counterpart has led me to realize the actual difference between the two, and how common passive suicidality truly is. Its truly something strange
I assume everyone feels this way, but that can't be true. I think more millennials and than even more Gen Z kids feel this way than any other generation. We are the suicidal generation.
For years I didn’t realize that I have depression because I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop existing. At least for a while. You put it so perfectly, death is too permanent, but vanishing from existence is so appealing. It felt so good to be seen in this way, thank you.
I had depression but I have never wanted to commit not-exist ritual. Usually it was toying with the idea.
How do you picture your temporary non existence? It would have be a conscious effect, otherwise, you could just stop existing for an irrelevant moment in time, and comeback without feeling any change, or to comeback and see that everything has changed the moment you blinked, and now you'd have to catch up for the time loss, like having amnesia. That said, I don't accept the idea of this temporary non existence, as you'd have to know it happened.
@@kesler4982 i want to not be here. Somewhere else that isn’t here.
@@kesler4982 it’s a depression fantasy, it’s not logical lol. I never planned it out or thought through the logic, I just wanted to have a break from the world and for the world to have a break from me.
@@loradailey5746 Clearly. What I meant was, that some take to certain fantasies better than others, if anything, I wanted you to convince me somehow. No rest for the wicked, though, or so they tell me.
It is an horrible feeling when you don't want to live yet you don't want to die, everything is meaningless, a person that wants to end it all at least has a way out, someone that doesn't want to exist, will never have their "happy" ending
I think I simply don't exist not too people's eyes
Just the caring emotions
I cry and vent so many times and all I'll get just empty promises and false compliments from family, friends, strangers alike nobody really seems to show the correct emotion for me too feel better I just can't the right commitment and I've seen and heard so many things that are the most inspiring... But it just seems impossible for me too accept or understand I don't know what goes on in my head anymore it's been screwed up badly by this world and it aggravates me... it's so complex I can't really explain it by text or talk I just feel so lost and alone
Hopefully it'll actually pass but i don't know.... I'll just have to wait and see I guess
I don't know if I want to be happy or miserable
In the end I think I perfer not exist period
I also wish I was never born that's all I can make out atleast
I'm tired 🙁
@@LoneBuffalo118 It's honestly hard to live life, everything is just pushing us back, sometimes doing nothing feels more rewarding than trying to fight
@@emlls8179 I don't know how to feel about you're comment
I don't know rather too feel comfortable or find it relatable I don't know if it should make me feel crappy or okay..
Emotions and pure thought are such a pain for me now 😔
I don't if to agree or disagree
Too like you or dislike you
I think I've never had the proper guidance or maybe this world in general just simply can't cuz it just doesn't know HOW or CARE
I kinda wish I never knew about the real world especially the one we're currently in
It's like a disease that's affecting my brain 😣
I'm so lost and helpless
My sanity's hangin by a thread
It's almost like a bad joke 😌
@@LoneBuffalo118 life itself is a joke sadly, I would like to encourage you, to give you motivation, but does that really matters, anything we do matters, what is the point of trying if everything in the end is meaningless, interactions with people is hard, I can’t find the right words to say when talking to someone, living is hard, it’s so hard to me to go outside and hang out with people, I've been three whole years without going outside because I just don’t want to feel bad anymore, I hate it, I don’t want anything more just silence, I hate feeling like this
@@emlls8179 yet we're still here huh
🙁 Nothing makes sense
The best analogy I have is that life is kind of like an amusement park. There are moments of enjoyment, but for the most part it's just waiting around trying to stay distracted until the short few fun parts. It's not that it's unbearable, but I would rather just not be here, it's just not worth it. But since I'm already here, and the people I'm here with don't want to leave, I guess I'll just hang out until I'm allowed to go.
I also think that way
AGREED BRO
Life has consequences. for me, I did not want consequences. I never wanted to come into this world, I wish I had an option into going into this world as an infant, some decision I could consciously remember that says, yes, I want to be here, I want to live. But no. I never had that choice. And now, with my life, I have formulated the thought that no, I don't want to be here. I now recognize the consequences of living and want no part in it. I never had a desire to please a big other. I never had those wants, all I wanted was for me to fade away. As a Catholic, the big other is God. I just wish he consulted and told me the terms and services. I just feel like I got drafted into life.
@@fellowhomosapien2012I'm an atheist (or whatever, I don't believe in a higher power) so I might not be the person for an believer to say what is what. But just for the thought, it sound like it could be that you are (to some degree) unsatisfied because of the religious ways you were taught to live your life?
I don't mean you have to to stop believing in a higher power, but you might not have to live by the standards of the catholics ways?
I as I said, don't believe in a higher power, I'm too logically thinking for that. But I don't tell other people what to believe in if it's a good thing. But in my opinion, there are lots of things in most religions that are bad - or screwed up. I have friends who have been seriously fucked up by their parents and church's hc beliefs - both mentally, physically and sexually(sex is a sin unless for making children etc - which IS made up by humans 100%).
We have changed the Bible from the old to the new testament to fit into the modern world. But there still is a lot of things in the Bible that does not fit. But who chooses what is right?
I think if we follow the laws, we are in good hands. If God exist and we are a good human being in this world, he would be saitsfied.
You have to feel good and find a way where life feels meaningful for you. That can be hard if I totally interpreted your message and you are satisfied with the religious ways you live and that it is just life that feels that way. I too feel like you even though I don't believe (and I am satisfied with not believing).
@@petrac2840 I accept my situation in life, realizing I have no power over not wanting to exist. I will try to live my life to the best of my abilities. Nihilism, the belief that life is meaningless does not help you achieve greatness.
And with my religion, I am also comfortable with that. I would rather believe in a higher power, than not believe, and miss a better place after death. Its a coin flip, Faith. Its called that for a reason, you have no evidence that God is real, but you still truly believe in it. Why be a atheist, and miss on an opportunity of heaven that may or may not exist? why have subjective morality when you can have an objective, with a chance of heaven? poor explanation on my part, but that is what I believe.
"I dont wanna die, but sometimes wish id never be born at all" - Freddy Murcury
Bohemian Rhapsody ❤
murcury
murcurry
it's Freddie Mercury for the love of god 😭
Hope everyone doing good and staying safe. If you need to talk to someone or need help, there are people who care. Sending support and hearts. ❤️❤️❤️
Life sometimes just feels like a punishment for something unknown.
Nobody asked for life, nobody consented to being thrust into a world that shreds the weak and shames the lesser
being forced to work, and interact and live in the world past humans left for us
The idea that we control the directions our lives lead isn’t always true
sometimes the only control you have is how you navigate and metabolize the struggles and pain forced unto you
it’s exhausting. I don’t crave death, I simply wish to not be
Amen to that comment 🙏
Exactly. The idea we have free will is a joke, we're all just mindless drones thinking we have some special purpose.
yeah
Well you captured that feeling so well in your writing that us of like minds feel seen after reading what you said. So that's meaningful.
that was so poetic
When "the wish to fall asleep and never wake up again" was said I immediately held my breath because I was not expecting to be called out so hard like that.
Same
Same!
Yeah
Existence as-is seems like such a burden.
Let me be a watcher in the void, a nothing that exists yet has no influence nor opinion. That wouldn't be a burden atleast.
Same here. Even if I was as happy as I can be, I'd probably prefer not to exist. Existence inevitably means worries and eventually death. So I'd much rather prefer nonexistence.
As someone who's dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood, yeah, this is it. I don't want to be perceived - i don't want to have desire nor be desired nor have things desired of me. Turn me into the orange goo please
To me you sound like you mainly want to be away from people and just cut emotional association with this world. And while wanting not to be perceived, do you still want to observe?
i also want to be orange goo
forfeit your possessions and become a chinese monk
return to monke
@@sakaturaus7373 nah thats too much existence. Still need to feed and care for oneself
I felt like this during my high school years. I had no friends, i studied all the time to appease my parents and never expressed any emotions for fear of disappointing them. I was going forward cause there was no other direction and smiling felt like a chore, something to do for the sake of others. I never got myself checked but i fully believe i had some form of depression, because i would just sit in silence on my train commute to school asking myself why was I even awake, if I wasn't doing all of this for myself. What genuinely got me through it wasn't even anything particular, one random day one of the train conductors approached me and asked me why I've been avoiding school (i would randomly skip it cause it was unbearable to go there sometimes) and I said I really didn't know, but that I was too tired to work hard for it. And he just answered "then don't." And that's when i realized exactly what you said at the end of the video. You just brought back a lot of painful memories, and my past self most probably wouldn't be able to bear them, but that's what growth is. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it, but certainly when you need it
I think most people have some sort of desire to not exist rather than to exist, but at the same time, not existing is probably the most scary thought ever
Yo I love ur Lego vids
I see you on every video
@Koizz | Entertainment Co. technically darkness is a color and is something. The nothing we know about is actually something because it’s nothing. True nothing is something our brains can’t comprehend at this point in time.
What about not existing makes it scary to you?
Scary is feeling tho, how you can feel if you just don't exist?
Every Evangelion fan has a degree in psychology
Either that or depression
or Existential crisis
or issues with their sexuality
Or they like mecha
@@vibra7 Don't pretend like ecangelion is a mecha anime. That is the hook to get people in then the philosophy shit kickes in and you either stay or go
I want to exist without living, sometimes I want to live like the voice of a narrator, always giving the story but not really existing. To watch without being watched. To talk without being judged and without anyone really knowing of my presence, idk …it sounds peaceful and it’s the feeling of doing things without overthinking every second if you did it right or wrong.
Basically everyone here wants to live without any responsibility or consequences for making stupid choices and refusing to accept accountability, you go through the day to day, playing games, this works for a while untill you've fallen so far behind you don't know what to do, so you exist in a painful state of in between, never enough time for play and not enough skill and discipline to be fulfilled in a career. I cut this short at 18, quit gaming and my life got alot better, although the stress of my responsibilities isn't fun, but idk if it's bad either, as the wins don't feel great if you don't have something to lose or overcome.
So you want to be a cartoon ghost?
Honestly? Same.
@@northcountrywoodcraftny5953 Soooo, you DO realize you're just projecting your life onto the person you're replying to here, right...?
@@MastaGambit no this is litterally the story of an average gamer, which is a massive percentage of men in America, It breaks your brains reward system. But this "not wanting to exist" thing is a coddled child's reaction to the outside world. OMG THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS? RESPONSIBILITIES? I CANT TAKE IT. It's a pathetic and childish view of the world
I hope the day I die there is no afterlife, I just want to be a being that floats with no purpose. No stress, no work, no drama, no boundaries. I’d most likely just wander from universe to universe just observing. That sounds like heaven to me
Same I wish that when I die I can still observe life and talk but nobody can hear me. I could watch TV shows with humans that are alive, I could lay down next to someone and watch tiktok with them.
I just think that's such a cool existence in the afterlife.
@@fatliward9815so basically a ghost lol
I hope when i die i simply stop existing. No thoughts, no heaven, nothing.
this implies perception of some form, it will just be a complete lack of everything. no observing as you dont exist.
@@okuyasuniijimura Same.
Having long-term depression and anxiety disorder, the desire not to exist is like on my mind 24/7. I think abt it at least once a day, just "what if i just die and end this suffering?". But also the fear of dying painfully prevents me from doing anything
I feel the same. I hope you're seeking help from a professionalist. I'm starting therapy soon
me too sort of
You have to decide is the pain of living worse than the pain of dying. People that end their life have got in be down to a level most people wouldn't understand , depression is the war of our time , and I don't know I think we're loosing this war .
Yeah, that makes sense. I'm the same way, but I live just to pay off expenses of mine so my family doesn't have to if I'm gone.
i feel you so much man
i was put under anesthesia frequently for a few weeks and the moment before i passed out, while it was just beginning to work, i could feel myself losing control. i felt nothing. it was the best feeling i've ever felt.
As someone with relatively severe disassociation, I don't like the nothingness. I can't look forward to anything, can't think of anything outside the room I'm in, can't even enjoy my life. At this point, my only hobbies are writing and playing video games; The games because I can at least focus on them, and the writing because it takes my mind off of the emptiness.
This how I felt doing ket bra😭
Jealous af ngl (but happy for you lol)
Buy a tank of nitrous and join the party
You should get into meditation. When you practise enough you can feel "samadhi" (correct me if I mixed the term up with something else). It is akin to a state you describe where you just exist distanced from your thoughts and emotions. It is wonderful and has positive effects on your well being. Meditation does not require any special techniques. I do the classic method of watching my breath, counting it from 1 to 10 then starting from the beginning. If I mix the numbers up I just start from 1 again, it is not important. The importance is only that you focus on that practise and let anything else (your thoughts and emotions) come and go.
I want to be dead, but I do not want to die.
That is the sentence that crosses my mind each day.
I hope you’re doing ok
me too. this really explains it. it's so simple, succinct, and accurate. i hope you're doing well.
So you want to die then.
@@blacklyfe5543 no, its like, you just want to vanish. you dont want to die, you dont want to go through death, you just want to disappear. to be dead.
Dying is a hurdle one would reasonably have to get over in order to reach non-existence. But why would one _want_ that hurdle? It hurts and it stings!
I think allot of us desire the ability to just hit stop, to just ‘poof’ out of existence.
No pain, no hurt, no heartbroken loved ones, just… silence.
I think so
This might also be why meditation can be so relieving, as I reached the stage of ego death, my mind was completely empty. During that stage, I looked at my very messy room, but with no comment, judgement or reaction as I saw it for what it simply was and not what it meant. At times when I get upset about something, I tend to remember how I am being the one who perceives and gives meaning to things, when in reality things don't really have their meanings, they simply exist, whether we like it or not.
I think u were disassociating bro
Exactly. Is the meditation you're talking about the same as buddhist meditation? In Buddhism, achiving the death of ego is very high level. I salute you.
Meditation? Idk why but I can't do it, my mind and body doesn't like the silencess.
@@justaguy3987 I recommend you listening to guide meditate, it helps me a lot how to breathe to calm me down and what should I think of or doing something focus on it like journaling I guess. Untill you can find your peace of mind and that's life changing for me! hope this help
Vinicus De... With all due respect this is half right but not as you would want it. The things that nature created do have meaning. The cheetah is the fastest animal for a reason. The same way there is a reason why the chameleon can change the way other see them. It is the same thing in our life. Everything around us even though is just an item or building as it is, have been created with a reason. The device you used to write this comment isn't something that was delivered to us from god and we just take for granted. It is not just a bunch of random electrical components either. It is a machine that was thought by bunch of people in order to be created to serve a purpose. Then it was created with the idea of a monetary gain(which means that things around us can even have several meanings depending on what people not just think of them but actually use them for)
I've always had this desire to just not be perceived. I try to take as little space as possible and I don't talk much. But the weirdest thing is that once in a while when someone forgets I'm there, or don't notice me, basically when I get what I want it kinda hurts a little.
i think you just might need more time to figure out what you truly want. Figuring out yourself can sometimes be harder than figuring out others. Personally, how it sounds to me, you dont want to be ignored, but you dont want to be an inconvenience, someone in the way of something, it would make sense you would still like positive attention or be hurt by a lack of it
Because you don’t truly want to not be perceived. I always thought I wanted that because I have anxiety and not being perceived sounds like it would be easier. But really every person wants social validation, and to not be left out. It’s literally how we’re wired.
@@kirtil5177 You would think that but the rest of the time I'm genuinely relieved that I'm not noticed. And positive attention is nice but I start feeling uncomfortable. As soon as it starts I want it to end. Theres days where I can handle social interactions but the days that I'm not feeling it.....I'm an awkward mess. Youre totally right about it being harder to figure yourself out.
@@n1a316 It is easier sometimes. At least it certainly feels that way lol. Solitude is weird. It's addictive but probably not the best thing for you.
I feel exactly the same
Wanting to fall asleep and never wake up is literally what I want
just do whatever you like when you are awake, then go to sleep when you are tired
Then you will simply just wake up never having fallen asleep.
It’s hard to even want that, as you don’t want your loved ones to suffer.
@@MergeMannyeh, suffering is just part of life. Stuff happens.
Same
I used to be depressed but even now, when im in a better place, the desire to not exist is still within me. The sadness went away but the tiredness of my mind and heart is still there. I know i should be very thankful that i managed to get out of the everyday torment depression gives you, but i feel like my mind and heart can never be the same again. I feel like ill always be tired and existing would always be work for me. I still hope and pray things would be better in the future tho.
What makes me so sad is that I DO want to live in this world, but I DON'T want to live in this society. But you aren't allowed to do that. Everywhere you could possibly go is owned and watched. You are forced to play the game with the rules set by the worst humanity has to offer.
This is pretty much how I feel, I always try to see the best in people, I want to live, I want to have fun, I want to be happy, find someone, etc. I have alot to be thankful for in my life...
But I hate alot about this world and the people that govern it, systems that are in place, cruel facts of life, unfairness.
I normally just block out the bigger picture, I don't watch the news, I don't really go on social media, (alot of people criticize me for cutting these things out of my life.)
I have my tight friend group and pursue hobbies that make me happy and try to keep that as my lot in life.
I think you could probably leave, people do choose not to play the game of society every now and then, exploring remote places, living in the woods, only really engaging with the community you choose, I think you can get away somewhat if not entirely
Freedom is an illusion. We are not free, we are even induced to think. And we are forced to accept that.
be sigma
I want to live, but not the live that exists. Its not society im sad about, but life as a whole. I want to live the different life, where you dont need to take life to live
Ive been struggling with suicidal tendencies and the desire to not exist since adolescence. I don’t remember how all of this even started i just woke up one day and wished I didn’t. Sleep has always been my favorite earthly experience, its so peaceful quiet and tranquil, i love how all the sounds feelings and thoughts disappear into the void. But at the same time, ive always thought the world was a beautiful place, the sky is breathtakingly beautiful throughout the seasons, the ocean, the hills, flowers and birds ,i’m glad im alive to witness the beauty of nature and these dazzling sceneries make me feel like life is worth it.
My mind is trapped in a maze of contradictory thought, Between the meaninglessness of life, the burden of being alive and the beauty of nature. They all make sense to me somehow yet I can’t figure out what i really want.
Nothing I hate more than myself.. I was a selfish stupid brat as a kid, now that I'm older It seems I've gotten worse somehow.
A stupid boy that wants so much yet has no clue what to do with it... I tried to change I've found different things so many things, but in the end I'm finding myself right back in the same damn spot.. the obstacle blocking me is ME.
I've repeated this crap so many times now.. I've pushed so many others away I still have a hand full left but my mind is trying to make them fade away aswell.
I wish they would forget about me.. I wish my mother would forget about me, wish my friends would forget about me, wish the one brother I have left to forget about me.
I'm so alone it's honestly laughable... Wish they all would forget about me and move on I'm nothing to dwell on really... "Why?"
Because I've realized how much of a piece of trash I am, I'm so frickin selfish and pathetic
I never changed.... I'm never gonna change I'm just as much of a brat than back then, always wanting more and more... I've been given so much..... I think I've been given TOO much
And I've never deserved any of it, and it'll continue.. which leads to those dark thoughts and self-hatred, the urge to kill myself is so much.. but I don't bc then I think it's too good for me.. to make myself disappear and leave those who put up with me in peace finally just one less thing to worry about right?
But I've also realized that's another selfish act...
I literally and utterly can not do anything but breathe
Why's existence like this for me
@@LoneBuffalo118try doing random things not expected from you, like tapdancing your way out of your room
This is exactly how I feel. All the time. I'm so glad that somebody else understands but I'm heartbroken that others also experience this.
@@LoneBuffalo118I’m here, my friend.,’ There are many alone, we can all be alone together in a way. Because no one else can be in our heads. We share with each other and that’s the hardest part, I’m proud of how far you’ve come and I promise you have grown, improving upon who you are
@@rooknado It isn't improvement.
I don't want help but here I am anyway.. it's stupid, it doesn't make sense to me.
I'm a piece of shit that only spends his time wasting others time... It always ends up in this same damn place, again again again again again again again again and AGAIN!!!
I'm sick of the same shit,
I just don't wanna be here.. I don't belong here... I simply don't.
So much noise! I just want it to end.
This is anything but improvement to me
I wish every piece of me would disappear, I wanna completely fade away, every memory, every day, every moment, every laugh, every stupid smile.
Every fucking thing!! I just want to be GONE dammit!!
Life already makes me feel like I don't exist, so why can't I just.... Stop breathing
This isn't improvement
I'm just being more worthless
I’ve recently realized that the reason I like to lock myself in my room for days is because that’s a way for me to escape existence. Because if you are by yourself and don’t interact with anyone, it’s almost like you don’t exist. You can’t be perceived by people therefore it’s like you’re not really there. I don’t want to die or commit suicide but I do have a desire to stop existing.
You said my feelings
It’s like there’s a tv blasting static inside my head. Theres no off switch and the volume is stuck on max. Everyday I wake up and it’s always bittersweet
I drew that as one of the manifestations of my depression. Static in the eyes, with the words "NO SIGNAL"
this made me sign up for a therapy appointment because i've never heard my mindset exactly put into words like this, much less with such an uplifting ending. thank you
I Agree 100%.. Unrelated But also cool misturi pfp
This video also ain't doing nothing for me
I don't know what's up with me 🙁 it's still the same
@@LoneBuffalo118 Please See a therapist
@@-freefishanimations-9547 no I doubt that'll work.. I'mma keep searching for something else
@@LoneBuffalo118 i’d at least try therapy like me. If you then still think it doesn’t help, just stop going. It’s really worth trying even if it’s just for once.
Evangelion is the most meaningful form of media I have ever experienced, this video is amazing!
Agreed, this man didnt just made a amazing explanation he also made evangelion look even more amazing.
I remember actually experiencing "Nirvana" after watching the finale of the TV series back in 2005, when they finished releasing the Platinum Collection. To describe it in words, all my wants & desires, as well as grudges, all disappeared. I felt that I finally achieved true happiness, the kind that's only obtainable in heaven. It was the weirdest but most blissful experience. You could offer me a million dollars to do anything, and my response would've been "Nah, I don't need it. I've obtained a supreme form of happiness & enlightenment, one that can not be bought with money, no matter how much you have."
However, that state of Nirvana was short-lived. It only lasted for like 5 to 10 minutes before it completely inverted into Absolute Fear. Realizing that all my wants & desires are gone, I asked myself, what am I supposed to do now? What purpose could I possibly have if I don't want anything, no goals to strive for? That's when the concept hit me. The concept known as Evolutionary Dead-end. The problem with achieving perfection is that there's nowhere to go from there. There's no reason to move forward & do anything. This feeling was absolutely paralyzing. Beyond a normal or phobic level of fear, it was a Primordial Fear, the kind that no overinflated ego can resist, one that is embedded into the psyche of every living being brought into existence.
Luckily, this fear also was short-lived before I snapped out of it & went back into a normal state of mind. It was one of those once in a lifetime experiences that I'll never forget & why the Evangelion series will forever remain as one of my favorites. But I warn you, this show is not for those who struggle with depression or other mental illnesses. I've also nearly had a mental breakdown from watching this as well. A real eye-opener for those who take their mental health for granted.
Eva is good and all, but people give it too much credit.
@@takeuchi5760 i have seen you point of view a lot so I want to know about it, why do you think it isn't really that much? Because of how bizzare and all over the place it is? For me it is fascinating
Yeahh its legitimately my favorite piece of fiction ever
Over the years, I feel like my desire to not exist changed into a desire to just be happy somehow
The reason is somewhat the same
But the outcome is different
The feeling of having your whole existence erased with even your conscience makes it feel empty in a good way, it's a completely different experience with existing in the first place however since you have a lot of opportunities
As life gives you pain, you start to change your direction
Your motive as a young one was motivated by experience, curiosity, joy, and many other things, with now, you have seen the world on its half and you don't seem to want to strive any forward
Now you feel you've seen enough and just want to make the most time out of your life, you don't care on fame on anything, you just want to be happy, the only thing that excites you and the only thing you enjoy as of then
mine turned into anger
I went the other way. I eventually learnt that I don't desire happiness, don't want to be happy... and upon realising that, seeing how much everyone else chases after that one pointless emotion just seems so utterly bizarre. Like they're just drug-addicts.
@@SotiCoto happiness is an emotion, nothing else
You can pretty much view it as a positive upgrade in a video game, it's good, but it's not much of a problem if you don't acquire it
I don't exactly want nor do I not want happiness, if I am given happiness, I'm ok
Viewing life as a game may seem negative, it is but it's not really that bad
Just that some people made that view negative
People may live life as a game, but each people still have their own ways of playing a game
Invest in it, be kind in it, be absolutely devious, it's your way of playing it
@@A207.: Not acquiring it isn't a problem for me personally, but people wanting it is so thoroughly endemic in common thought that people just do not and cannot understand the idea of not wanting it. I've had people throw fits and accuse me of trolling them in real life because I said I didn't want to be happy. They just couldn't wrap their head around it and just got angry at me instead.... and I don't want that either.
Emotions are tiring. I don't like them.
This reminds me of watching Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. And I started to cry - not dramatically just tears collecting in my eyes- at the rock scene…. It was such a relief and the way it resonated with me… that’s all I wanted.
What I thought about the desire to not exist was that you just wanted to die. I then went through it. I found that I am scared of death, so that wouldn't be it. Now I think about it as "I don't want to die, but rather, I just don't want to be here." As if you are in a really bad family reunion.
Undertale?
yeah sums it up perfectly, death is not the thing most of us seek, we just don't want to be in ''this'' world, this world has no justice, no fairness, no loyalty and no love but that is full of greed, selfishness, lies, lust and cruelty, they say life is short but that is a lie too average human lives at least 60-70 year or so if not for other reasons for premature death and yes compared to eternity it is short but with our sense of time it is far too long to bear with it.
Bro scared of death
the feeling is unescapable
I think that in the series Rei is that representation of someone with no desires. And it is numbing for the most part, until the end, when she is confronted with the fact that she is lonely and has a "heart full of sadness", as the invading angel says. Then the charade is over, and emotion flows. The thing is, even in the numb stages of her life, she's always questioning her existence. I wonder how many people's like that in real life.
I am one of those people.
Many.
@@subject_of_ymir me too.
rei kinnies wya
Present 😀✨
I'm glad to see somebody talking about this, however my desire functions differently. I'm tired of experiencing earth. It's as if I've been logged in to a video game for far too long, and want it to just stop. I don't relate to my main character here, and It's rather torturous having to play the part. Sadly I now have a best friend who depends upon me, and I fear my exit from this world has been made more complicated.
I just want to log out and never come back now. I used to want a break, but I got my fill of this bad thing.
It's funny that I'm so optimistic for earth as well. I just don't want to live in such a hard-sci-fi story, I want to live in a deep fantasy story.
I guess it's kinda how I feel as well
I understand not relating to your main character, as if we’re two different beings. If “I” left the world, the people around me would mourn my body, but not my existence. At least thats how i feel rn.
@@Marcuss99 That's something that troubles me as well. I don't feel anybody would mourn my actual self, they'd just mourn my body and what character I played.
@@RinoaL I used to feel this way.. I still struggle with those thoughts sometimes, but as mentioned toward the end of the video: I made the choice to continue putting my trust in others until I found people who accept and love me no matter what. I’ve shared some of my deepest thoughts with them, my struggles, the things I thought I would never tell anyone, and I’ve found some really good friends who not only still care for me but see me in a positive light. It’s still mind-blowing to me that someone can know the things I’ve done and still call me a remarkable person or still want to be a close friend.
For me, it started with the courage to be honest with myself and others about what I’ve experienced, done, thought, and felt. And seeing others accept that gave me the hope that I can accept it as well.
I hope you can share and enjoy the existence of your true self. Someone would be very lucky to get to know that person.
If it makes you feel any better, assuming humanity gets the good ending, you will likely have the option to live out a fantasy existence in virtual space and redefine yourself in that lens. Until we reach that point, there's of course the various fantasy escapes we have available, DnD being the most significant in my eyes.
I don't say this to belittle your belief of course, I've felt exactly what you've felt as well. The despair of having to live a role you don't want to play. An unwilling puppet.
All I can say is that, if you truly feel this way, it may be time to do something radical to allow yourself the space to redefine your character. Sometimes this requires literally new space, moving to a new location where you don't know anyone. Going on a solo trip can give you a taste of this, of being around exclusively people who have no idea who you are, and therefore no predisposition to treating you as this character you've grown tired of. Even if you love them, the people who are familiar with you will always see in the way they've seen you in the past, and this makes it near impossible to truly reinvent yourself. If this feeling of despair persists, for your health and the betterment of all, it may be time to change your world to change your self.
This is a big suggestion coming from a random stranger, I know. All the same, I'd urge you to consider a trip at least, to get a taste of what I mean, and allow yourself to truly become someone new, someone you'd like to play instead of you.
Whatever you decide, I wish you peace in this world and in the next.
Beautiful. I was caught off guard right at the beginning when you said, "A Cruel Angel's Thesis". I laughed, knowing it was a banger of a song from Neon Genesis. As the video went on, I was forced to think deeper about my own self worth and the meaning of the anime itself, which I didn't understand at the time I watched it. I knew the show meant something that wasn't in front of my face, but did not know how to face nor describe it. This video gave me a comparison, a connection I hadn't felt before. It gave me a goal.
When I heard about the “without sadness or violence” that hit hard.
I’ve had so many episodes where I wanted to cease to exist….
Hey are you ok?
@@themangle-laggle not entirely….
what's wrong?@@Gamez_Studios_
Wish my head wasn't always a mess
If you like both Omori and Evangelion you might also like Puella Magi Madoka Magica. It’s also a psychological thriller and touches the topics of depression, soul, hope and despair. The characters are really well-written too.
Dammit, my friends have been begging me to watch it
I'm gonna binge all 12 episodes in one sitting soon, I just need to find time around work and school lmao
@@blokvader8283 I don’t know if it’s a good idea to just do it all at once but if you are emotionally stable then go ahead I guess
@virp_alo I'm not emotionally stable, but that does not stop me from challenging myself lmao
I'll check in once I've watched the show to let you know how I feel, I hope it's truly life changing as my friends say lol
@@blokvader8283 well have fun then and seriously, please let me know what you think about it I’m really curious (I got my friend to watch Rebellion with me but she didn’t really understand much of it but neither did I at my first watch, it gets better with every rewatch). Also if you have a chance I recommend watching the movie adaptation the music is even better 😌
@@virp_alo Okay... just finished "My very best friend" and that was the best 4 and a half hours of my life lmao
Genuinely one of the best things I've ever watched. The characters are great, the animation is gorgeous, that fucking story and those twists are just... insane. Pretty much every thought I had of what the series would be... just wasnt it.
The only other anime I've watched is JoJo and One Piece, so I'm pretty used to light hearted stuff, and this gets so goddamn tragic. I can't even really feel bad for character deaths, because they've died countless times over and over again, and are fated to pretty much not exist by the end. This series was incredible, I'm so glad I experienced it.
Also, I love the fact that the character's you think are gonna be "villains" like Homura and Kyoko end up having been allies the entire time, that was really interesting.
Is there anything else to it though? Madoka Magica's icon is Madoka in her Magical girl outfit, which only shows up at the very end (another really surprising thing for me) some of the pacing felt weird, so I just wonder if there's more to it than just the twelve episodes. Tbh I would love to spend more time with the witch ass kicking we got at the beginning before Mami... you know.
Anyway, that was an unforgettable experience, and despite being the depressed and not mentally great person I am, I enjoyed it and am doing well C:
Have a great day, I'm gonna go hang out with my friends now before Kyuubei takes their souls as well
I was just beginning to write a novel about a character growing content with existence. I have a lot to learn from this video, and from the sources you provided. Thank you.
I would like to read that
I would like to read that Man
Funny thing
I was actually also thinking of writing my thoughts into some sort of story because I struggle to express my thoughts and feelings I've had boiled up for years now
The thing is I know that I am miserable, I know many of the things told, still I don't feel any relieve or happiness, I don't understand myself at all
send us the story whenever you’re done if you want lol, sounds interesting
Same here! Would love to know more about yours
I've just become chronically aware I have nothing of real value to add to the world. I'm effectively useless, since I'm not capable of being anywhere near my ideal self.
I know how that feel 😢 ...
What I usually feel more than the desire to not exist is the desire for me to just disappear from the world while still existing. It's a bit confusing but it's like wanting to be in a third person view of the entire world and seeing how they would continue without me. Of course I know that's impossible but it can't hurt to dream.
makes sense
spectator mode
@@knightlyfiver9733 Uyes exactky that
Me too.. it's what I desire most of the time
Exactly
this is literally why i’m anorexic. i don’t wanna live the life i’m living, but i don’t wanna die. starving feels like slipping between life and death and being able to re-enter the world at any point simply by eating. it gives me chills to hear it explained.
It gives me chills reading your comment because never before had i heard anorexia being described this way.
I hope you're doing fine
@@miaumiau679 thank you
dang
This is relatable
@@weirdwormsaloon4088 Eat something you fuck..... ❤️
Man. I almost started crying. This was the first video to ever do that with out being like a purposeful sad one. It hit a cord with me. It answered so many questions I have. The feeling of not wanting to exist but not wanting to kill my self is all to real. I don’t want to die. Far from it, I just don’t want to exist. Just blink out. But then the finality of it all. I don’t want to be gone for ever just don’t want to be me anymore. I have tons of good things in my life, my life isn’t even that bad, I have greats friends, I have a promising future, but I just don’t want to exist (sometimes). This is probably some kind of depression. And doing things for other people and being told “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” and how it’s such a twisted thing. I don’t know what I want to do in my life but eveyone wants to push me different ways and I’m not doing it for me. I’m going to college for something I’m interested in but I don’t actually want to go, it what someone else wants for me. I’ve become apathetic to many things, but I care to much at the same time. Everything I want in contradictory.
I started ranting and spilling my guts there at the end. But I wanted to say thank you for making this and that it hit a cord with me that just resonated hard. Thank you
I forgot about the being desired part. Yeah. That’s what I crave and want so often. Am I desired, do people desire me, to be around me, to love me. I’m i desirable is something I’ve asked my self so so many times
Thanks for writing this, i feel the exact same, every single word. As long as we exist, if we don’t disappear as we want (lol) know that Im with you, and its alright, its ok.
I understand how you feel very well bu something sparked a question in me. Why don't you want to go to college if you're interested in that path? Is there something that you like more than that perhaps something that would not require college or is it just not motivating enough for you to go through college?
You're not alone.
You are (not) alone
a beautiful video that perfectly explains the topic. My deep respect
Thanks for explaining why 1984 and Evangelion gave me existential crises as a kid
This really resonated with me. As a person who has become increasingly frustrated with (what I believe) mankind's apparent desire to throw itself into continuing turmoil through one reason or another, I find myself on a plateau where I am no longer able to express what I want out of life, so I spend my days contemplating it whilst simultaneously trying to escape the reality that surrounds me by throwing myself into video games as often as I can. Is that healthy? No, not really. But it eases the burden of trying to place myself in a world that feels so alien to me. This is not meant to be a preachy "I'm better than everyone else" thing whatsoever, this is me just being as matter of fact as I can be. I used to know what I wanted, but now I would have to sit down and think for a good long time before I was able to give an answer that wouldn't be considered some sort of suicidal thought to an outsider.
Bro go to the gym, hit a workout or something. It is the lack of purpose that you don't want to exist, because if you had something to exist for, you wouldn't think so. Games only will get you deeper into your problem in that case.
As much as I hate advices like "bro, just go outside and do something", I am going to agree with Jonclash.
When you lose the concept of meaningfulness, another concept appears - enjoying the journey. Just like walking in the park, it has no meaning or purpose, it's just you, doing what you like in this park. Maybe you want to sit on the grass, maybe you want to work out - you are doing it for yourself.
Indulging in escapism through playing games 24/7, you are robbing yourself of the journey. I know, because when someone manages to bring me outside somewhere, where I feel comfortable, I am alive again, and the lack of meaning doesn't scare me. It's only when I lock myself in my room, watching RUclips all day, I experience this existential dread and suicidal thoughts. Because there is no meaning AND no journey. What else your mind is supposed to do?
Sure, playing games 24/7 could potentially be your style of "walking in the park", but it must be your conscious, healthy choice, that did not come from the need to escape it all, which is definitely not the case here.
Don't rob yourself of your beautiful meaningless journey. Go outside. Hit the gym. Visit your closest friends. Go meditate on grass. Feel alive again. It's very hard, especially now, but it's worth it.
@@tenshiharuno1184 I fully agree with your comment, it's great advice! The key to avoid nihilistic thoughts is distraction. Tiring your body and your mind out with exercise and activities is useful, and it produces chemicals that will make you feel more balanced. A healthy nutrition is also useful to achieve that balance.
It's definitely not a 'fix'. The world is still messed up, mankind's tendencies are still awful, but at least you can make the most out of your time here. Find things that you like, that may be video games, but you said you're using those as a (kind of unhealthy) coping mechanism. There are endless possibilities besides the finality of death.
I've also experienced despair at the meaninglessness of it all, but after a long time of self-reflection and contemplating the world around me, I figured I might as well stick around and see what I can get out of life. I'm not into philosophy, but I think Epicurus was onto something with his hedonism. His view was that pleasure and pain are so important to human existence that all our actions are governed by seeking pleasure and trying to avoid pain (both physical and mental). Epicurus also saw the absence of pain as a pleasure in itself. By avoiding pain, you can enjoy life.
🤝
i just turned 18 and i already want to die. i definitely lack purpose and the fact that i used to be so passionate about many things only makes me feel worse. i've also been indulging in escapism by watching random movies and playing video games. i just want to die. reading the other comments made me feel a little hope tho. but i still cant figure out how i will get back my motivation to live and actually do these things to make myself better. i see no point in trying to be better as i've failed myself over and over. i barely know why i do this to myself.
'Healthy' doesn't matter in a world of shit.
God this video summarized how I’ve felt since I was 13. Turning 28 in two weeks. Having adhd adds a layer of ennui and restlessness. Finding substances to numb your pain so you can want, desire, care, and feel absolutely nothing. It’s not enough to be happy or content, but the finality of death is horrifying as well. Existence is exhausting, and they’re definitely good parts but sometimes you want to treat it like game you can opt out of. The powers that be already play with your lively hood, so why can’t we just quit?
Edit: Hey so I got diagnosed with autism recently so this explains a lot.
Yeah..
@@emmaloraa because life feels like you’re a passenger in your own body. Being of the world but not apart of it. It’s not exactly sad more than it is existential IMO. Like observing yourself interact with life through a screen. It feels isolating and so incredibly bland.
try that but have 41 years under your belt. With experience I can tell you it only gets harder and worse.
@@gweedohatsis8404 something to look forward to!
@@gweedohatsis8404 fucking brutal, I'm only 17 and have a long way to go
Gotta say, your video is what made me wanna watch Evangelion, and I am very thankful that I did. Great video man!
I've always found the idea of not existing peaceful. For me, not existing is just being part of the universe you have no thoughts no feelings no brain. Its hard to truly describe but its just as if you were just another breeze in the wind. I think of it as your just not sentient. I love that idea.
Same-ish. I see it as just this numb state of pure existence. Like, floating in a void. No thoughts, no emotions, just "be"ing. The nothingness of breathing in a void, unable to think or act.
I completely understand that, just the idea of not experiencing anything at all is euphoric.
Same, I want to just be stardust. No pleasure but no pain either
@@ZizZap4that's clearly not non-existence. There is no you, no being, no peace, no "void", no anything at all in nonexistence. Having some kind of eternal slumber or whatever is still having existence, albeit passive one....and that's what many seem to imply here rather than true nonexistence.
That space between falling asleep and the plague of dreams. Non-REM sleep. More of that sort of thing.
God, I'm in such a low place right now. I can't express how much this video helped me to feel better. During the 15 minute span of this video, I went from feeling like a pile of slime to feeling kinda ok. For me, that's a huge jump in mood.
Thank you so much for making this.
Hi. How are you feeling now?
@@Aubrey2004-j4k Doing much better than I was 2 months ago.
@@christianwalters2226Don't worry you're not alone, some people think women don't feel like this. But I do all the time, watching my favorite game streamer "CaseOh" on RUclips always helps me when I'm feeling lonely, you should try watching him he's a life saver.
Here for your monthly check in
@@R3tr0_Qwerty I'm actually doing great now. Kinda got some things in order in life now.
When I was young and had trouble falling asleep at night I would attempt to imagine what it would feel like to just not exist. I would get so upset that I couldn’t remember what it was like to not exist despite having not existed only a few years prior. It’s kinda funky to think about it now but sometimes I still think about it.
It's interesting how even so young some can have very complex thoughts like the ones you had without even being able to truly comprehend how large the idea and concept of said things are. I had a similar experience when I was younger
For me, suicidal is a methord of asking for help. When i watched 'call me by your name', the quote that really stuck out to me was 'is it better to speak or to die', and looking back, ive never related to a quote more than this. I dont want to ask for help, i dont want to reach out: i want to show i need help. And if attempting is a methord, then i suppose its the most logical step.
I think that the “help” is an illusion , if is not the help the one does for himself, the others can just think they can help. We can only choose to live or to die and both options need bravery.
I've always felt extremely reflected in Shinji, even when I was just a kid. That fear of the Other, seeing myself from the outside. The constant fear of others' expectations. The worry of not having any desirable qualities. The "you don't love anyone, you'll just run to anyone". It's... honestly, almost hard to watch.
And it's not subtle, y'all. I can guarantee that a LOT of the things from Shinji's inner monologues (and dialogues with his mental image of the Other) are likely word by word taken by things that Anno himself thought.
Fear of other expectations is an extremely powerful force on your life I know, but if you make decisions based on what others expect of you, you will be the one that has to live with them, not them. :)
that’s like telling someone who is another room while “you two are desired to have aloneness, “nothingness”, “just complied pillars of the void” technically you tell a friend to just forget about you forever, forever, forever and just ignoring all the memories you’ve had with you to be subconsciously forgotten, and “fading out from existence as we’d just know it”, “we’re tired of it being so fortunate to be forgotten, invisible and empty shell.
My feeling used to be "I just wanna have never existed at all" I don't want to hurt my family, but I managed to narrow it down to "I want to scream without being heard"
"I want to scream without being heard" is exactly the feeling
Exactly
Shouldn't it be the opposite? I think we're all screaming to some degree without being heard. There's a quote it resembles, men live lives of quiet desperation, or something to that effect. I think what we really want IS to be heard, truthfully, instead of through the imperfect filters of our monkey-mouthed languages and separate interpretations.
For me I just want to go back in time and prevent myself from coming into this world. I just want my every existence from my past, present, and future to be void.
this reminds me of the time I was at the beach and was floating on my back and decided to take a nap, it was so peaceful, prolly the most peaceful thing I've ever experienced, my ears were underwater so I couldn't really hear, and such, it was amazing, especially since I felt like I could just float away in the ocean and disappear peacefully
I used to come home from work late at night in the summer when the water in the pool was body temperature. I would leave the lights off and slip into the body-temperature water and just float. Not quite sensory deprivation, but peaceful.
@@sarahdawn888 heard about 'em, haven't tried 'em though
I’ve had a similar experience. It was a lake in Costa Rica and it was after sunset. We were there to see bioluminescence and before it was too dark we were allowed to just swim around for a bit. I swam a small distance from the beach and just floated. I closed my eyes and my ears were submerged. I have never felt as at peace as I did in that moment. I wish I could feel that peace again. Things are not great right now but as Dory said I need to just keep swimming lol.
Life is war, death is peace. Existence is mostly pain with some beautiful sparks of Beauty.
Even then some may never happen for everyone.
this is why i put a lot of value on forms of escapism. they’re so important to me because when i use them, i’m not in this world anymore. i’m just floating in my own reality of pure bliss.
@@shadow8594 why that one specifically?
@@Heightofacloud This meditation creates a distance between the mind and body which are the only to ways you can suffer, giving you a lot of freedom in daily life. Any sort of compulsion goes down and your mind becomes more clear and naturally is joyful. I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety and isha kriya helped me out of it. If you want you can do it for a certain period of time and see how you feel during the day, then you can decide if you want to drop it or keep doing it.
escapism will lead you to the feeling of a life that was wasted. you cant escape forever.
@@dernan2 So fucking true
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vacuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
i don’t have the desire to die or fall asleep forever. i just sometimes desire to evaporate as if i had never existed in the first place. i’ve felt a lot of that lately and i don’t understand the cause, but i’m trying.
I hope you figurate out what made you feel that way
I've felt exactly like you as well
You know, I used to have a lot of that feeling and upon analyzing it I realized that a lot of it is associated with a profound sense of burden.
As you yourself emphasized, you want to disappear "as if you never existed". That is, such an allegation carries a charge of resentment. Resentment for past mistakes, resentment for unfulfilled expectations, resentment for not knowing how to deal with the impotence you have with the direction of your life.
I believe that this desire to not exist can be summed up with the anguish of not being able to control certain anxieties and guilt. That's why many invoke the Myth of Sisyphus as a countermeasure: to try to overcome the anguish caused by something beyond your control or that has been resolved a long time ago and only you remember.
Perhaps a result of splitting from source consciousness.
The cause is obvious. We're all made to do things we don't want to since ther very beginning. We have little control over how we want things to go in our life. People like to hurt others a lot nowadays, etc.
When I was a young child, I was quiet and kinda somber. However people didn't like me because I was like that, so I took on a jokester role. Never serious. I'm 20 now and that has taken a TOLL. I feel split between the personality I've cultivated and the person I still am deep down. And that struggle to be who I am and escape the person i pretend to be makes me wish I didn't exist. At least then I wouldn't have to feel this struggle between who I am and who I've become.
It’s generally the same with me. I don’t know how to relate or foster typical conversations with people without having a skew of my inflated personality i crafted myself. And because of how I grew up, and the person I turned myself into, I barely know myself - despite living in my own head and (in my opinion atleast) constructing all of my own problems.
I created a person that was in and of itself a people pleaser at my own expense and grew up in a way that I never had to care about making decisions on my own. Now, I am 20 and on my own in the real world. I live by myself away from family and generally struggle in most aspects of life. I come home from work and I… sit. Or I drive, but I don’t go anywhere. It’s the same as sitting in my room, just fancier. The monotony of nothing hehe.
So I suppose I often ask myself, so what? How can you change? And the answer is I don’t know. Or rather, I don’t want to know? Because executing that answer takes effort to break out - motivation which I don’t have. It’s all so simply really when it comes down to it. Seek help, take the few aspects of my life seriously, but… what if this and what if that?
Currently I work in a place where seeking help may be detrimental. Currently I have opportunities lined up that could spell out a path for a productive future - yet I know without help I won’t achieve anything to the best of any ability I might have.
Recently I thought I had found a great relationship with someone, but it fell apart as quickly as it came up and I can only sit and think that I was to blame, naturally. And when I have nothing to do after I’m done with work, what else is there to do then sit in my own darkness and stare into the void?
All thanks to the person I created at the time years ago to procure atleast a sense of social involvement. I’m no longer in an environment where I can just show up, make people laugh, and go home without taking care of myself or my future. Yet I don’t know how to move on, so here I am. Non existence would be the ideal, and in some ways I technically already do not exist. Who am I? Haha, that’s really it. I don’t exist, I don’t even know who I am
@@UnOfficiallyRekt I hope you can find yourself someday. I can kind of relate to your struggles, but thankfully I've been able to discover who I am. I hope you can discover it too, because it's horrible to feel like you don't even know yourself, despite being with yourself 24/7.
I always felt the same, i just dint know how to say it, thanks for putting it so right
@@UnOfficiallyRekt you've put into words how I feel..
Jokester, huh? Similar to the boy who cried wolf. Not a criticism, but an observation.
Been wanting to watch this for a year now thanks
I have always struggled with social anxiety and so I ended up distancing myself from others. Being around people felt like I was constantly being judged and had expectations put on me that I had to conform to. I always felt like for me to "fit in" I had to put on an act of some sort, but this resulted in me feeling inadequate, like I was never myself. There was a period of time where I would go to bed and cry every night and put myself down telling myself that I need to do better, be less anxious, be more social, be honest with myself and others. I haven't managed to talk to anyone about it, I'm always anxious of "what will they think?", but in the end it doesn't matter. I just haven't found the person to open up to.
oh you're not alone. I'm also thinking that if it's only me in the bubble so i wouldn't hurting anyone and get hurt
I am afraid, but you may very while never find the right person to open up to. Do not leave it to chance, for it can fail you, and if you do not believe in the Lord, leave it to yourself, because once you start talking once, you may find it hard to shut your mouth.
I feel you, I was like "I shouldn't have talked like that, maybe they think I'm bad..?" And end up beating myself up that I was bad and I'm not able to fulfill their desires that they had put on me.. It feels really bad.. moreover it's a loop..
Same here. For me, thining that the person will forget everything about this moment, about the conversation we had, my emotions, everything, calmes me down. It will happen. No human on earth is able to remember every single detail about you and tell it another being that is capable of remembering like him. Every conversation I have is meaningless, a way to make people feel comfortable around me for a short period of time, a need that they want you to fullfill for them. Maybe this is Nihilstic, maybe i get the idea of nihilism wrong and youll correct me in a reply. But most definitely you will forget about this comment on this video on this Plattform.
See I have a social anxiety disorder and I tell everyone about it, not to be the "oh don't do this around me, here's my list of requirements in order to speak to me etc......type of person, but because people are genuinely interested, opening up about it has opened a lot of doors for me. For context I've lived with it for the vast majority of my life and it wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's when I was being treated for depression, I always knew there was something off with me but I never really knew what, I just knew I didn't enjoy life the way the majority of people seem to. After several rounds of counselling and finding the right medication I'm doing much better now, got married last year and can manage my disorder without professional help, so I'll tell you this, things will never, ever get any better for you if you don't work for it, if you'd like to speak to someone about it then do, I'll gladly listen, but alas I'm just some chud on a youtube comment section so it's not ideal.
I never knew what I wanted out of my life, nor did I have ambitions.
I went along with what others told me would be the best for my future, since they at least painted a path that rationally made sense.
Many sacrifices and support was given to me to get me where I was. Somewhere along the path I had an existential crisis where I felt that desire to simply stop existing. I was doing things for the sake of others. Because I felt like I owed them everything they have done for me. The least I could do is fulfill their wishes. The least I could do is keep myself alive for their sake.
I eventually couldn’t keep up with it after falling in self destructive behaviors, that provided me escapism.
I felt like a failure, and was struck with guild and shame.
I continued to live my life in the present moment; Thinking about my future would spiral me into anxiety and depression, so I would avoid those thoughts.
To make a long story short, I realized that my desire in life is to simply be.
I at least assume this is the case since I love leisure so much. I feel like it provides me with a sense of freedom.
As I’m writing this, I notice that maybe what I want is still the same desire of existence without the need of living or dying. It’s just being expressed in a roundabout way.
you and me both bud
never thought someone would describe the way i feel so accurately, your experience is unique and only yours, but i would like to let you know that i feel just like that but i cant ever write that down because im too tired and struggling to express emotions
@@ninicoh A lot that is stuff I too have thought and felt on multiple occasions, almost word for word even. The fact that the thought processes of multiple different people seem to converge here is... something (be that interesting, eerie, reassuring, unremarkable, or otherwise; I don't know).
thank you for expressing yourself. You've provided me with the right words to express myself too, since i've never been too smart with words. I hope it gets easier for you all, cuz i certainly hope it does for me
Read the Quran. It has all the answers.
Broke down into tears after discovering this is the feeling I have been having for years now. Thank you for this discussion. I hope we all get better soon.
I know right. It feels a bit comforting knowing that we are not alone with thoughts like these.
When depression is at it's worst, I'm just so tired. Someone asked "Well, what do you want out of life?" My first thought was, "To sleep until I die then die in my sleep." I shocked myself when I realized it was more honest than anything else I could've thought up.
There is a paradox I live in, and I think it sort of relates to this desire.
The entire reason I'm alive now is my loved ones, for the desire to not see them grieve me.
When I am at my worse I contemplate a sort of exit strategy, making each and everyone of them absolutely dispise me one way or another, so I can slip out of life a man that nobody misses.
But at that very same time, if I do go through with my exit, I fear in that very moment, when all the strings are cut, I'll realize that I want to live, I'll want to go back to those people that I pushed away in order to die.
But without them I'll have already been dead.
I dunno it doesn't make sense but the essay got me thinking
It does make sense bro, dont worry, I feel very similar. I do the same, I make people hate me when I feel empty so it will be easier to go for both me, and them. However, I am never able to actually execute what I have planned, because I dont want the people I love(d) to remember me the way I would have been in the end, an absolute asshole. This is an endless cycle of selfishness for me. I hurt people to make it easier for me, but in the end it is all for nothing. Still, I keep repeating that, because I just dont know any other way I could help myself. I know what I have to do, but my selfishness and my lack of strenght wont let me do it.
@@benreiners9451 why does this speak to me so much
What they think, what you think, what they do, what you do none of it really matters. After all sun's gonna explode devouring the entire rock we live on rn and till then none of those people whom you care about will be there. It's all temporary.
I can heavily relate to this.
I had felt like this for a significant amount of time, I know your situation might seem daunting and you might feel like there is no "solution" to your paradox, but I very much believe the opposite. It's hard to put it into words but I'll give it my best (:
All in all I think that, in order to overcome your paradox, you'll have to find an ultimate meaning of your life, so that your paradox itself becomes obsolete. To find this "ultimate meaning", I think all you gotta do is figure out what kind of person you really are, and if you can do that you'll be able to follow your heart, and pursue something that you are truly passionate about. I'm not sure which of these following points are more significant, but I think that'll probably differ from person to person so here goes:
Firstly, I think that it's crucial to put yourself in a position where, counterintuitively, you are bound to certain responsibilities and challenges. By this I mean for example applying for a job or taking up a hobby that seems like a misfit for you, for me this was a job as a dancing teacher, even though I had considered myself a severely introverted person. By putting myself in this position, over time I was able to develop a mindset that made me look at every challenge as an opportunity to grow, instead of just a "task". Since you really do seem like a person that cares deeply for other people's feelings, I think this next point will resonate well with you.
I believe that it's important to develop a sort of "mature" naivety. What I mean by this, is that you respect every person and every thought that every person has equally. Deriving from this is the importance of honesty. In my mind, if you lie to someone, regardless of whether or not you think it's in their best interest, you are showing a lack of respect to that person. By this I do not mean to say that you should tell the people you want to push away about your paradox, since that can seem very scary and I myself have never done so. I think that it is perfectly reasonable to talk to someone anonymously, for me this would be people I had met on the internet, or even writing in a notebook and looking at the notes in different states of mind to soberly declare if those notes are reasonable.
So, alltogether you should attempt to pursue your passions and formulate your thoughts and feelings with feedback. I want to add though that this is has only helped myself, and I can not guarantee any of the same effects for you, but I really hope that my thoughts can help you even the slightest bit!! :D
I experienced deep shame and depression due to childhood trauma for many years. As a result I was a lot like Shinji. My value came from how useful I was to others. When I was in moment of uselessness I felt like I had no self value. A few breakdowns and attempts to end it all later, I finally had a breakthrough. I realized that for as long as I was ashamed to be my authentic self and received value from others instead of inward, I would always be depressed and constantly yearning for nothingness. And then it finally happened. I had a fork in the road. Do I continue to live in shame but knowing I was now the cause of it; or do I act on my new found knowledge and accept myself for who I am. I finally decided if I was going to live, I was going to BE myself. Fast forward a few years and I have not had a breakdown or any attempts since.
I'm sharing this because while the video is unfortunately a bit hard to digest, I really enjoyed the exploration and the ending as someone who has also lived through this. :)
💌
sometimes i wish i could disappear and take away all the memories that other people have about me, and erase every trace of my passage in this world
Wow, I really don't have words to explain how this video has helped me. Right now I'm having rough times and wow. Thanks it's the only thing I can think of sfter watching this video
It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. The way you phrased it and explained it all really resonated with me. Thank you for your hard work :)
@@shadow8594 thanks! I’ll try it out :)
There are many people who feels like you. I've read some mangas where some of the characters feel bored, not interested in life, no goals, and feel fine if they had never existed
It's a bit comforting to me that others feel this way. I thought I was just weird, and this wasn't something others think about.
I just left a comment that knowing that there are other people like me changes nothing, how is that comforting you? could use some comfort these days
@@Boiled-Oden (It’s a bit long sorry) It’s comforting to me because someone understands what I’ve been feeling without me having to fumble with my words to try to explain it. I’ve often felt isolated and lonely. In my personal experience, the words people I know have offered for comfort seem placating instead of genuine. So the fact that someone described exactly the way I’ve been feeling makes me feel heard and seen. The acknowledgment makes me feel like there’s nothing inherently wrong with me or that I’m making something up. I know they understand because their words resonated with me. I guess it’s a bit like someone holding my hand, it helps me hang on a little longer while I figure everything out.
When I was younger (21 now) I would always imagine what it would be like if I was reincarnated as a dog. Life simplified as a pet in a family where I'm loved and no one expects anything from me. Slowly as I got older this idea morphed into more of wanting to go to sleep and never waking up. It's not that I wanted to die, it's just peaceful when I'm not concious. I literally don't feel. My childhood was in no way traumatic, yet I had these desires. Even now I feel like I want something like eternal sleep, but at the same time I want to evolve as a person and become the best version of me. Not really sure where I thought I was going with this comment but I just wanted to express why I the title of the video resonated with me.
ive had the exact same experience as youve described
I empathize. I have a loving household, still everything feels like too much.
I get ya, it makes sense to me; though I've had a traumatic life.
same ive wanted to be a cat on several occasions before just so i can do just about anything and still be loved and cared for, where theres no expectation or needs projected onto me. ive also felt the want to never wake up especially when i have a really good sleep and i want to be in that state forever, that's subsided now tho cus ive been dreaming everyday now and sleeping as a whole has become a chore. i think my problem stems from my family even though i never thought it to be, my therapist recently pointed out a few points that i never thought to be out of place or odd at all. i do recommend checking in therapy at least for a couple of sessions if you can just cus theres a lot of things you cant see because you don't have reference to what things should be like. for example i never realized how distant my parents were as a problem, even though ive noticed it throughout childhood it never crossed my mind as something that could be the reason for my lack of emotions towards romantic relationships. sorry i rambled youtube makes me trauma dump
I have a loving mother, grandparents, nice childhood, good friends..
And I "literally" don't deserve it. Ever since I was born everything's been given to me and it's made me a shit person, their decent people but they shouldn't have had me
All my life I've been nothing but a parasite just a worthless piece of trash, just a scared little boy who can't grow up.. doesn't WANT to grow up
I'm so bitter and filled with rage I just don't understand why.
I tell them I'm ok..
"Outside" I smile 😊
"Inside" I'm hollow, no feeling no heart
I'm just a fuckin monster.
For me this feeling was not solely the desire of experiencing nothing, but the idea of having my memory being forgotten, so that when I die, no one can get sad or traumatized. Whether that be by someone losing themselves to grief, or simply coming across the body and having the image stick to their mind, or just having a bad memory directly caused by me. If no one remembers I existed, no one can be hurt. It's terrifying yet comforting at the same time
I think that's what stops some minds of diving too deep on suicidal ideation, they are so focused on pleasing others to feel some selfvalue that they can't allow themselves to dissapear and leave a trail of pain and suffering for the ones around them.
I've felt that, I think I get what you refer to and yes, it's terrifying yet comforting to know one wouldn't be so fast and impulsive towards suicide or selfharm, for whatever reason our mind clings onto.
I use to feel this deeply, and felt completely untethered from society entirely. I moved away from my hometown & started fresh, found who I was outside of my own bubble, and still felt it. Deep down, I was denying my own identity & just quit caring about what anyone thought of me, did whatever felt as close to my own self, and 2018 discovered something I’d long denied. I’ve been living my authentic self & still don’t have any social connection but I don’t feel as strong as I used to about simply wanting to end existence. I was never wanting to end it by my own hand, but if it happened then so be it. Now: I’m living each day as if tomorrow IS my last but focusing on making life for others something worth living, which gives me some sense of purpose/desire.
I feel like the part of it that can't be understood by those who haven't experienced it is simply how not-circumstantial it can be, and how guilty that can make you feel.
I've dealt with depression for most of my life. I have an amazing wife, a great job, I love our home and our life. But sometimes, regardless of all of it, I just want to lay face-down on the ground and wait out the heat-death of the universe.
And feeling that way when by all accounts you have a great life carries so much guilt. How dare I feel that way, with my great life, when there are those whose circumstances are so much worse than mine desperately pleading for just one more moment? Who am I to not value what I have while walking past the homeless, the alone, those whose time is fleeting and running out?
But it isn't logical. You can't just... logic your way out of feeling this existential desire to just... quit.
And as many of the other comments have specified, I don't want to die. I have no desire to actively take my own life. But if I could just... lay down and fast forward to the end? I can't guarantee I wouldn't take that deal.
I literally just "prayed" to whatever entity might exist to just let me sleep tonight and not wake up. I know I won't kill myself (again at least, it's been years)
It's not my first time to just want to go not exist
I'm in a similar boat. My life by almost all accounts is pretty great. The pains that I endure on a daily basis are more or less self inflicted and in my head. I felt immense guilt over feeling this way in the first place, which only makes it worse. I have people who love me and care about me and want to support me, and all I can think is that I'm letting them down.
@@MissPoplarLeaf you can not compare pain because the only real pain is the experience. If you feel it and it hurts then it is real and valid. You may have a “pretty great life” but pain exists within the mind and nothing on this Earth can completely erase it. Please don’t feel guilty- you don’t deserve pain just as you wouldn’t deserve it if you had nothing. Some say it’s unfair that people with good circumstances can be just as sad as those in bad circumstances. Because what do they have to feel sorry for? But the point of pain is that it’s not fair and it happens to all of us and can happen at anytime. While this can feel frightening and overwhelming, it can also be a comfort that you don’t need to feel shame or guilt for your pain. I really hope that you will start feeling better - you’re so strong for carrying on no matter what anyone says. Sorry for the paragraph haha
I rarely hear people talk about the guilt, but the guilt is so real, and so horrible. It's crushing how guilty you can feel
As a person that struggled with depression the urge to not exist was a routine for me. Thinking about not existing was like brushing my teeth - It was something I was thinking about on autopilot. If someone who's reading this struggles with something like this - if you want to change you're gonna change. I know the pain might be comfortable but healing is much better, trust me.
I was the exact same. I got used to the desire to not exist and it kinda just became a part of me. It got a bit better when i cut off all of my friends and moved to a new city, but I fear that it's coming back. As well as depression. The distraction of meeting a lot of new people and living in a new environment is fading, and it's becoming more and more clear that my attempt to escape failed.
@@sand2.061 To be honest I kinda feel the same way, I keep myself distracted with making music so that helps. There are some bad days when I can't come up with new ideas - then I slowly start to go back to that dark place. If I could give someone an advice on how to get better is to just start doing something new. Going outside your comfort zone is the best thing there is tbh.
@@prodby.dubski Thank you for the advice! I've been trying to go out and experience the world a bit more. I'm also a musician. Music has saved my life a couple of times and I'm very thankfull for that.
I wish you the best of luck finding a way of life!
@@sand2.061 Thank you very much and Im glad I could help - god bless you 🙏
@@prodby.dubski While I am religious, I do understand these people's want to "not exist". I was not in a good place for a while, some stuff happened, but in the end as I look back on it, it happened because there was no purpose for me. This is also why, aside from following Christ, I am a major supporter in more accessible mental health resources. We overlook it so much as a society as either "it doesn't work" or "It didn't help me" but in reality, you need to find the right type, and person to fit your needs. I hope these people get the help they need, makes me sad to know people are in such a state of mind due to the state of this world. God bless both of you.
Aside from myself, I don't know anybody who feels this way. Glad to know there's someone out there who tries to explain this feeling.
I think almost all people feel this way. It’s just not talked about.
Nah, most people want to exist
You don't want to die.
You just want peace.
You want a peaceful life.
A life with no struggles.
A life with no problems
A life with no judgementality.
The life of peace.
The life of normality.
The life of harmony.
Is that what you want? Isn't it?
It's good to see that other people are also struggling this way and I am not the only one. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming but other times I am content with life.
❤
I've been wanting to not exist for the last 5 years, and the feeling is getting always stronger
😢😢😢😢
Hey just saw your comment. How you're doing? Hope you're doing well
@@zorrotvzorro4661 how are u?
How r u all?
Rest in peace i guess.
When I was a kid, I could never sleep at night. So I would wander around the house in the dark while everyone was sleeping. It was so quiet and peaceful. I started even going outside and hanging out in our boat in the yard….all by myself. It was too peaceful to be scary. To this day I am a night owl, and I always fantasize about a nice little room that reminds me of the boat I used to hide in at night like Peter Pan. I think it has something to do with our instinct to hide for safety from aeons of living with predators.🤷🏾♀️
that sounds so nice, to just wander alone. it must have felt like time stopped.
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vaccuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
I'm out every night smoking a bowl and enjoying the silence. There's nothing more peaceful
I think more accurately for me is that I don't care what the future will bring, I don't care for the small happy moments, life is boring and overwhelming at the same time. I don't care what others expect of me. I don't feel like existing. I don't want to experience anything, and I do not care to experience anything. Existence feels meaningless to me, I'm tired of it. My life has been a pretty average life, except for an event that could've given me trauma. I used to be sucidedal but soon got out of that mindset because I stopped caring about what others want from me and that my life wasn't as bad as I thought it was. But then I entered this state if mind. Carrying out my daily tasks, doing the same things over and over, feeling like doing nothing. I would go on RUclips but not feel like watching videos but then I kept asking myself, what else can I do anyway? I don't feel like going on my device everyday to distract myself anymore, but what else can I do anyway? Everything felt meaningless and pointless. I'll grow up get a job, make money, get anxiety over taxes, go to sleep. The same thing ever. Single. Day.
I really felt the part where you said "I would go on RUclips but not feel like watching videos". Living can be boring and overwhelming. This is exactly how I feel.
By your logic, why are you even here still?
@@beyondthegrave124 ok I am actually asking rationally.... What kind of question is that? But since you asked, youre getting the answer. I have a family. But tbh I don't care abt that reason, I would've been gone 3 years ago but I am scared of the pain more than the death itself. I don't own a gun to do myself in the head and I wouldn't even know how to use one, I would injure myself before I could do myself in. I don't own poison or know how to get it, most likely illegal to own any where I live. The final reason is, death isn't enough, I need to cease to exist, no memories or belongings of me remaining behind, no rebirth if that exists. Who knows what awaits beyond death? I don't want to exist, if the afterlife exist, that's not where I want to go, and again no rebirth, so basically death is not enough. Because there's too many open possibilities, and I will still remain behind living in someone's memory. Ah I guess, I missed one other thing, even in this world that depends on repeating patterns and consistency, I have a goal that I set for myself and I want to achieve it before I leave this place, hopefully peacefully and painlessly. That's actually probably my biggest reason.
@@bangbangsomni think of it this way. Nothing matters in this world, with the way time works, our memory/memories of us will cease to exist sometime. Everything we do, say, feel won't mean anything in the next few hundred centuries or so.
But this is just my mindset, by my logic what I just said won't matter either, so I don't know.
@@beyondthegrave124 you know what they say, what matters is the present, my family doesn't appreciate people who take their own lives, and I don't really want to leave with them asking countless questions as to why I decided to take my life when there is no reason. Or I guess the reason is life is pointless? I discovered something I want to accomplish, so I'm staying here until I do it.
There's something so.... Oddly poetic about have this recommended to me after finishing OMORI (a physiological horror game about a young boy and Omori. It's also shown in this video, that black and white, pencil drawn style boy with large empty black eyes seen lying in an empty white space) and sweeping up the feelings of that game and myself.
He has a video on Omori that you'd like
i literally just finished oyasumi punpun last night and this video got recommended to me lol
Boy in thumbnail is Shinji Ikari from Neon Genessis Evangelion! Its great psychological show about people dealing with lonelines, issues in conecting with others and self hatered, also its got traumatised children piloting giant cyborgs fighting against eldrich beings from higher plane of existance in post apocalyptic world, I recomend it!
Nge >>>>>>> omori 10x. Nge is so good.
Making a vid on omori rn lol
when I was suicidal and depressed I felt so lost. I now know that I never really wanted to kill my self in the first place, I just didn't want to feel depressed anymore and didn't know any other way out of it. I didn't want to kill me I wanted to kill my perception of reality.
Damn that last sentence hits hard. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
You didn’t want to die you just wanted to escape the present, honestly sounds like something a drug addict would say.
@@revolutioninc7081 your pretty much spot on, I didn't want to die but I wanted to kill my ego in a sense and after doing so I found that it wasn't even necisary and it's not really something to chase. and yeah it sounds like something a drug addict would say because it is, I went down a really bad path but am only just coming out the other end now
@@Indianacones2233 you would probably benefit from disassociating, or doing that thing where you stop processing being alive but continue existence, as a down bad individual who doesn’t have productive, solutionable or healthy means to cope all the time this has helped.
@@Indianacones2233 just noticed you wrote you wanted to kill your ego, I am not recommending anything but they say psychedelics like lsd or psilocybin have ego dissolving effects that rewire your brain even after the experience, as someone who has used substances like these in the past I’d say the prospective benefits for this field (or a field denoted for high similarity like ptsd) are worth self inquiry!
Thank you, Clark.
You've kept me going just that little bit further.
Keep doing what you're doing.
I loved the mention of omori- white space felt so peaceful and harrowing at the same time; just a nothingness space, exactly what sunny wanted, and what I have wanted before. such a hard feeling to put into words but omori and this video described it perfectly.
@강연이 Check out Jürgen Ziewe
@강연이 Same here. Nothing has ever touched my heart like Omori has. It's a game that's spoken to my deepest emotions and changed me as a person.
i completely agree. my friend that introduced me to omori now says that i'm obsessed, but it's provided me with a sort of comfort with tiny specks of relatability and i love it so much.
I remember often feeling like I wasn’t real, like I was in some kind of never ending dream. I still get this feeling sometimes in the form of numbness and feeling all my feelings all at once.
Sounds like dissociation 😅
Yeah I feel ya
i feel exactly like this!
i think i have feel like this for ALL my life. especially this last 5 years
I feel you all too well
you are probably experiencing something called derealization depersonalization or dissociation some people call it. I remember feeling it as a child and I once smoked weed just to try it and I experienced it for years without end. you should probably not try drugs ever
Way I've seen it, Gendo's desires are a mirror of Shinji's own. He is essentially a dark reflection of his son and all of his avoidant personality traits, fear of being hurt again, and need for validation taken to their worst extremes.
I would burn the entire world for personal peace. Nothing matters, right?
Fun fact gendos theme in the last Eva movie is called mirror mirror
Exactly this. The rebuilds especially highlight this idea of an extreme self, with Shinji and Gendo committing selfish acts for the sake of one person leading to catastrophe
@@davviewavvie7962 Anything anyone does has a 'selfish' reason for it. Half our chemical reactions are just reminding our brain it's not dead yet.
I come back to this video at least once a year. You put an idea that I've never been able to articulate properly in such a beautiful way
This video just personally walked into my house and called me a loser in so many phillosophically sound ways!
Cool vid bro.
For the past two years, I have been toggling between "I want to die" to "I don't want to exist". Evaporation into nothingness is far more appealing like you said but if I was told that tomorrow I would die, I would feel...relief. And that scares me and makes me feel selfish. I think the feeling of guilt is what is holding me back from taking that step but I don't know how long it will last. That is why I'm scared. I hope I find purpose: something to drive me other than guilt if I let go. I feel like I am trudging on with life...unhappily. I hope and pray that this is a phase. I feel like I've bored my best friend with conversations like these lol so it's nice to put it on the internet. At least someone would hear me. Great video by the way.
I just done from just sobbing in my car after reading this. I’m not alone I’m sorry idk if it’s right to feel like this it’s just someone finally put what I’m feeling into words I just couldn’t help but just cry thank you so much thank you
yeah, I also hope that this is a phase bit at the same time it makes me feel anxious
I mean.. overthinking sucks..
I've been like this since I was a teen and now I'm 27, like if someone told me Im going to sleep tonight and I don't wake up I will feel happy, and lately shit got worse but I'm still holding on and pushing through and doing my best with what I got and see what this life has to offer and just experience this reality, is it worth it?!? Who knows, all I know at least this is not forever
I’ve had such a problem with anger recently that I’ve had issues balancing and I even went temporarily blind… my quality of life is decreasing and I’m too exhausted to try to make new friends.
not existing would be pleasant. I feel I’ve put more in than I’m getting out of this experience and I feel guilty for not wanting everything I’ve been given.
I’ve seen it get better, but I always come back to this shattered, pathetic state. I just hope my next low isn’t this bad…
I've been through (and still am kinda going through it) a similar thing. But what got me through it is knowing that my sole purpose and definition in life is Jesus Christ. I am defined by my faith in Jesus as my Savior, and He has pulled me through the times when I feel purposeless and empty, feeling like a shell. I just wanna share with you the love of Christ, because it feels like you really need it rn like how I needed it and how everyone else needs it too. If you wanna talk about this, I'd love to as well, but idk how that would work out because I would rather not put my email here publicly for people to see, but if that's what it takes to help someone out, I'm more than willing to do that! I know i'm just some random guy on the internet though, so it's understandable if you think that's odd or something, but I just want to help if I can
A certain lyric sums the feeling up pretty well for me.
"I don't wanna die,
but I don't wanna try and live."
Interestingly, the artist who wrote that has also worked with another guy who straight up mentions Shinji in one of his songs. They're the main reason I know anything about that character from Evangelion. Really well made video.
which song
@@remedy07 skele & heylog - it's not getting easier
Around 50s in.
@Paradox Technologies Corporation mildly overplayed but the song is pretty decent
This is one of the best youtube videos in my opinion